Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 9-4-17

Episode Date: September 4, 2017

Bill rambles about Europe's little counties, Force India and no boozin' there.

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Live with it! Fucking Labor Day Happy Labor Day Happy Labor Day You don't have to go to fucking work Unless you're the guy that owns the fucking business Then you never get to sleep, do you? You should have stuck with your first wife

But you threw her out and now you got a Fucking 20-something fucking car And she wants to spend all your money Alright, sorry Anyways You know something you worked hard all year? God damn it, it's nice that you got a fucking A Monday off, isn't it?

Don't you wish it was the way it is in Europe? I don't know how they do it over there You know, they all got fucking health insurance They get like 53 weeks off a year The whole fucking continent shuts down in August Everybody just says fuck it, we're not working And somehow It keeps going

Because their countries are so small Aw, look at the little country Is that what it is? Over here it's so fucking big You know, just a mow your yard Takes half the goddamn summer over here All of us fat fucks wallowing around Our giant pieces of property

Riding a four-wheeler shooting our guns You fucking live over there in Europe, man You got nothing, you got a flat You know, you and five other guys Fucking addicted to heroin when some baby Drowns in a toilet, whatever that fucking movie was You know, you got nothing Maybe you got a house and it's got like that fucking

It's got that roof that looks like a bale of hay That someone braided in Looks like a weave, but with like hay I don't know what it is over there But all I know is they still have castles Some of them still have kings and queens And they get like August off It's just off, you know, when they get free healthcare

They pay a bunch of fucking taxes But I gotta be honest, you pay a bunch of taxes here too I think it's just because we're bigger Got the wide open fucking roads I'm gonna go with that I'm gonna go with that And I'm never gonna read up about it And that's what I'm gonna say

If that topic's ever brought up Like, hey, how come they get all this vacation time And if a woman has a kid over there She doesn't have to be back to work on Monday How come that is? Ah, cause they're little tiny countries You know, they have little tiny hospitals You know, little tiny teeth

That they don't brush, you know, it's Europe What are you gonna do? That's why their cars go better into corners They have little tiny streets And they gotta zigzag around some shit You know, that's basically what it is It's not like America Some woman gives birth on Friday

And then they say, hey Gene, make sure you're fucking here on Monday Pump that kid out Whatever it is you gotta do Have your godness stick a weed wacker up Or a fucking reverse blower up there And suck the kid out and be back to work We'll give you Monday off And then you gotta be here on Tuesday

That's how it works here in America Everybody wonders why it was so fat It has nothing to do with our poisoned food We're just stressed, you know If you guys didn't have a whole month of August off Over there in Europe, I'd love to see If you guys actually had to fucking work over there And worry about, you know, I need a new pancreas

How am I gonna afford that? Right? Which is easily the cost of at least three flat screen TVs That's the going rate for a pancreas If I remember correctly Alright, if you were dealing with that stress I'd like to see how many fucking donuts you'd be eating You know?

Speaking of which Billy, no fun Billy, no fun is on his 18th day of not boozing 18 days, not boozing I barely even remember what it tastes like at this point You know? I'm dropping weight This is the time of night when it sucks

You know? In the morning, it's great I wake up, my stomach's flatter than it was the day before I feel good, but it's like at night I mean, it's Sunday night I don't have to go to work on Monday I have tomorrow off like all of you guys Well, you listen to it today, you know?

You can't tell me, you know? I mean, as a fucking human being I have to go out and get fucking hammered, right? I mean, what kind? I mean, if I don't I mean, if I was running the CIA I'd be like, is this guy an ISIS? Is he some sort of religious fanatic?

Oh, Billy Redcakes Oh, Billy Red Velvet I'm staying away from the sugar I'm being an angel I'm being an angel because I might have some acting work in October So I gotta make sure I'm down to my fighting weight My fighting weight? A $1.72

That's what I need to be at whenever I shoot something You know, all these fucking actresses out here talk about how it's so hard for them as if a guy can go on and be a bloated fat fuck and not get shit for it, okay? That's not how it works They can get to you through social media They go right at you

and they tell you that you're a bloated fat fuck What happened to you? You got old? Where'd your hair go? All of that shit You know what I mean? But you know, you know what it is about people? They look out their own fucking heads

All right? They look at the world in a two-dimensional way They look out their heads They observe something and then they put it in their head and they process it with their previous experience and then to them, that is the truth That is what's going on in the world

They look at it from their fucking angle They don't realize that it's 360 degrees which is why South Park is the greatest fucking show of all time as far as I'm concerned because no matter what problem they attack they hit it from all sides the red side, the blue side

from the north to southeast to west, you know what I'm saying? You like that? That was the longest fucking compliment ever Oh, Josh Adam Myers from the goddamn comedy gym Josh Adam Myers, Bill Burr I'm taping my Monday morning podcast with one of our first callers

How are you? Good, good I'm just curious if I could get your opinion on the Kyrie Irving Isaiah's on the street I wasn't aware that that happened Was that a big news story in the world of sports? It's a little bit, yeah

It's a few people know about it You know, as a fucking lover of the Celtics as a Celtics lover I hated the fucking trade because I loved Isaiah He was like a mini big pop He was on his way He was going to have a street named after him

but it's a business now and this all goes back, I think to the Miami Heat all those Pylon teams back to the Kobe Shack Lakers whenever it stopped being Bird Bird Celtics, Magic Lakers Isaiah fucking

the Pistons, Jordan with the Bulls and everybody just jumped around Now it's over I thought you were going to ask about the cigar I am, that's what I was saying I was like, do you want me to give you some time so you can finish this up

and then come on No, I don't give a shit just ring the doorbell and I'll stop it and I'll finish it later Alright, crossing a little bit Don't ring the doorbell My daughter's sleeping Just text me

Alright, see you Anyways, the most roundabout compliment ever for South Park I had no idea I was going to say that So this morning I had 179 pounds in six ounces 179.6 So I'm trying to lose three a week

So next week on Friday I need to be... I need to be 177 Alright, I just had to hit pause I'm in the fucking dog house I just woke up my daughter Oh my god, my wife has fucking pissed at me Yeah, boy

Yeah, boy, your brother Alright, this is the Monday Morning Podcast and I'm going to be fucking whispering for the rest of this goddamn thing What the hell was I talking about? Yeah, so next week I want to be 177 pounds

by Friday and then 174 the next week and then I'll be 171 and then if I get this acting gig I'll be where I need to be So I was going to take a month off from boozing but if I get this acting gig

then I'm just not going to booze like right on through to the end of the fucking shoot and then when that's over okay I'm going to get like one of those kegerators and I'm going to fill it up with fucking whiskey

and I'm going to be underneath it and it's going to be glorious I don't know I don't know what my fucking problem is I should go to a meeting and just see what that's like I went to a meeting a long time ago and I got arrested for drinking and driving

and one of the requirements was you had to go to an AA meeting two of them or something like that All I remember was I was just like these guys are fucking drunks I mean I drink I don't fucking drink these guys had like lunacy stories

talking about like fucking bleeding out their ass and going right to the liquor store the next day you know what I mean like not eating food for them like just crazy crazy, crazy fucking stories so I just was sitting there going like that

I'm just a drunk these people got a fucking problem I'm telling you right now if you ever just want to see you know some of the most fucked up people on the planet just go to an AA meeting these fucking people man you know

their fingers are like stuck together from like cigarette smoke you know what I mean they got like they just I'm just being an asshole I have no idea what a fucking AA meeting is like it's like you get like a little trinket

if you do it for a while you know get six days you know just fucking you know you know addictive people they're fucking

they can never stop talking about themselves right so they just gotta go up there oh my god I'm gonna get so much shit for this I don't give a fuck I think it's about time somebody fucking put AA in its place right once you grow up and white-knuckle it like the rest of us

you gotta go join a fucking group everybody sits down and fucking makes an afghan together you know it's funny that I actually would love to be part of a group when I went golfing this past week you know and I went with a buddy of mine

he was like a member of a country club I'm like this is fucking cool it's really cool you know bunch of guys fucking talk shit having a great time all that shit that everybody fucking gives you a rough time for

you know they always make fun of guys hanging out now if they all hang out together like there has to be like mocked for some fucking reason it's fun you just sit around

breaking each other's balls that's all it was I went there and it was everybody was fucking cool and everybody was just busting chops the whole fucking time and then you go out in golf and everybody's just giving each other shit

and you're laughing and you smoke in cigars and you're gambling and shit it's fun whatever fucking reason I don't know if you do that now I don't know for some reason that's attacked

you know I don't know what it is I don't know what the fuck it is you're supposed to be doing but I can tell you I did enjoy it and speaking of enjoying shit I know I'm all over the map

I got caught up with the last you know today's Formula One race and the previous one like a week ago two weeks ago I missed it and I have to tell you I loved the Force India team before

I watched the previous race and now I will fucking love that team forever I will love that fucking team forever at the very least Esteban Ocon and Sergio Perez everybody else was fucking

was racing to not lose you know didn't want to fuck up these fucking guys went in there you know what I mean you ever watch a hockey fight and the guys are so good at it they barely even punch each other

the best ones is when you just you grab my shoulder I grab your shoulder we just fucking beat the shit out of each other you know that's what these guys did they went old time hockey with like racing

they're on the same team they slammed into each other twice they don't even give a fuck that it's a teammate this was like some sort of blood sport that they were doing everybody else is out there like oh my god that's my teammate

I need to I'm really literally making fun of the other teams for actually doing the smart thing I love that they did it I loved last year when Hamilton and fucking Nicki Minaj

whatever his fucking name was I can't even remember this fucking name what the hell is guys name Nicki I want it now I'm taking my toys and going home I'm getting married now Ross Burke

right Nico Ross Burke that's what it was when they slammed into each other they did that a couple of times I like that and I love how these fucking drivers there's all of this shit

where they don't like each other this you know like Sebastian Vettel doesn't like Lewis Hamilton Kimi Reagan doesn't like Valteri Bottas

it's it literally is fucking days of thunder it's tremendous and this past week's race was great yesterday as far as watching Lance Stroll getting 18 years old he's lined up in the front row

next to Lewis Hamilton who's just the fucking greatest driver he just is he is I know Mercedes has the best fucking cars right now but you know give me a fucking break it's not like Ferrari's any sort of a slouch right

I don't know he could argue that Daniel Ricardo's just as good he's just not riding driving a car is good maybe that's what the fuck it is I don't know what it is but I really enjoyed yesterday's race

and the previous one how do you not love Force India out there with the pink cars the fuchsia cars slamming into each other it looked like me and my brother at a fucking carnival he'd be like

those two guys are related like you would know if we got into bumper cars I didn't give a fuck about anybody else out there other than slamming into my own fucking family member what was the point of hitting somebody else I couldn't laugh at him in the car right home

I'd never see him again so anyways I guess they go to Singapore next one of these years I'm gonna line up a stand update with that race over there I'm gonna try to go to a couple a year because I'm a fucking lunatic

so I went to Montreal this year and I'm also going to the race in Austin, Texas provided there's not another you know fucking hurricane like that one that hit Houston Jesus Christ

anyways I actually you know I want to tweet out something you guys there was actually something where you could send like fucking diapers and that type of stuff I just can't imagine everybody that has babies and everything

you gotta take care of that seemed like a really cool thing to do the very least at least you can fucking do so anyways I'm behind with my MotoGP racing I gotta get caught up on that but I have to be

I have to be honest this race in Italy was one of my favorite races just because of what was going on in like position four, five and six fucking lunatic racing and I just wish they could somehow do something to the cars that that happened

in the first and second position because once again Lewis Hamilton you know he gets to the first corner first he comes out in first place and then that's it he's in the front of the race for the rest of the fucking race

and then that's just it it's over he's driving in clean air his car's too fucking fast now you gotta hope that the car breaks down or he fucks up which isn't gonna happen and um

but I did enjoy all that other stuff but congratulations to Lewis Hamilton for winning another one he now is ahead of Sebastian Vettel and I believe the Mercedes team as a team is ahead of everybody else too so they're fucking crushing it and I think it's gonna be all downhill from here

so I'm hoping the fucking Ferrari team because they're the closest one can step it up and I like both those guys I like Kimmy Kimmy Rakinin he always seems fucking pissed off getting penalties and shit I relate to the angry guys

that's why I like Force India they're gonna fucking slam into each other it's tremendous it's tremendous you know it's childish it's stupid I love when that guy with that former race car

fucking champion I don't know what his name is the commentator he just goes oh dear boys boys what are you doing it's all like fucking parental with him

I wanted to see I watched the qualifying too I love when it rains out dude oh I forgot the greatest quote I've heard since I started watching formula racing after the fucking Force India cars hit

for the second time I think it was that Okon guy he says over his radio he goes to his fucking crew chief or whatever he goes what the fuck seriously what the fuck

like flipping meanwhile he's going like 180 miles an hour he sounds like me when I drive to work and he's doing like you know 180 200 miles an hour and he's they fucking flip each other off and they never flip each other

it's you know the European shit they give the hey with the fucking hand somebody's got to flip somebody off you know what I mean or if they're right on their ass slam on the brakes like you do on the highway

stop fucking tailgating I wasn't tailgating I was drafting alright enough of this shit I know a lot of you guys don't even watch this shit but um alright

let's plow ahead here I uh I was um did a casino I already forget the name of it um I was in a casino uh right outside of San Diego

and uh I did it two years ago and I flew down you know R-44 and today oh yesterday I flew in a uh I don't even know what the fuck it was

to be honest with you let me see if I can look up the name of this helicopter this helicopter was Turbine engine which is a jet engine and uh it was fucking the whole thing was hydraulic

I fuck who gives a fuck what helicopter was so basically I trained on the R-22 the R-22 is like driving a car that has drum brakes drum brakes, no power steering

you know what I mean and you have to like fucking control the wipers yourself you know like the 1920s like Laurel and Hardy you gotta like move it side to side um which is also why I love that thing

because you're really flying if you're holding a hover you're fucking doing it then you move up to the R-44 and this is kind of weird where it's like the uh the collective and the cyclic of both hydraulic

okay that's your power and then how you steer the shit you hold with your hands basically and then you but for whatever reason your foot pedals are not hydraulic they're just manual

your own pressure so you're dealing with like really finessing it barely having to touch it up top and then your drum breaks down the bottom it's just it's a very odd feeling and I fly at a Burbank

and there's always a fucking tailwind when you're going in to set it down it's so fucking annoying like right behind you full blast I don't know where it comes from um every time

in fact I saw this student that was learning over there what he would do when he would go to set it down he would just he would just face the wind and set it down and then go inside

and get the wheels and then put them on the thing and then just turn the helicopter around and as much as it was funny I was like that's a great fucking idea I would rather do that

you know because you land in next to other helicopters I don't want to fuck anybody else's shit up so anyways this thing was like a was like a six-seater and I got a picture you know Dean Delray

go look him up on Twitter he's he tweeted out a picture I'll fucking I'll retweet it and it's like the word I'm standing in front of the coolest helicopter I ever flew and I'm talking when someone whoever took the picture

so I look like a fucking I mean I look like an asshole anyways who's kidding though but it was I would say the most amazing machine I've ever gotten the chance to operate and it was like

it was like a sports car in the air with like the like the tightest most responsive fucking suspension you could possibly think of without the rough ride because you're not on the ground you're just going through the air

didn't feel any turbulence whatsoever and I just know when you take off in the R-22 when you push the stick forward right I mean I don't know how long it is

it's a good eight nine seconds until you want to get up to 53 knots that's the optimal you know speed to get out to get the most rate of climb and it takes you good

it feels like forever eight nine seconds this fucking thing it was like maybe two and a half seconds and it was up to speed you just pulled the stick back and you fucking shot up in the air I've never been

it was really intimidating but once I just sort of I watched my instructor I have two times do the start and start up and shut down of it and it's like it's not that bad it's just intimidating at first and then you get

once you know where to look which is basically your manifold pressure your altitude and how fast you're going then also your trim once you know where those are all the other shit it's just like well you know a fucking horn is going to go off

if there's a problem anywhere else right anyways it was fun as shit and it went down and we did the gig and I think I'm going to start doing that like I'm doing a podcast festival for the All Things Comedy Network

in the end of October and if I don't get this acting gig and I'm in LA I'm going to fly out in a helicopter I got a Vegas gig I'm going to do that one in the helicopter too and that way I can get my

keep my hours up stay current and while going out making money so I'm renting a helicopter but I'm earning money right and in a way I get to fly private without having to blow all this money

on a fucking stupid ass jet which is stupid right those fucking private jets as fucking stupid as hell you get in them you can't even stand up it's the dumbest thing ever you're way better

you can spend one 90th of the money on a first class fucking ticket and you are in a you're on like a fucking cruise ship you can stand you can stand up when you take a piss you don't have to bend over at the fucking neck you know I know they make bigger jets

but those things are like you know you're going to fly from Boston to Rhode Island it's going to cost you like a fucking $300,000 I don't know how people I don't know how anybody flies private to be honest with you

I have no fucking idea just go to a mom and pop airport get on JetBlue or Virgin that's the way to do it use some miles bump yourself up to a bigger seat you're going to get a pilot who's psyched he's making a ton of fucking money

you get on those little ones those people are not making shit right I don't know that's been that's been my experience they're trying to they're trying to get a gig flying one of the bigger ones

so they can actually make money instead of flying some little fucking six-seater you know what it is I'm out of my fucking element I don't know anything about that shit I just have heard about how much it fucking costs

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all the dopes buy flowers on mother's day they buy them on fucking birthdays and they buy them on fucking Valentine's Day alright if you want to up your blowjobs if you want to stay up in the pros and hit 300

you got to spray it all over the field alright so one of these times it's August or September who gets their fucking wife or girlfriend flowers in September nobody be the person that fucking does it and get your dick sucked today alright booze lineup

oh beautiful I was hoping people were gonna send these in alright I talked last week and you know I got back into baseball and Yankees red socks things heating up again we better meet in the playoffs it's has to happen it's been too fucking long

I ended up fucking Yankees took three out of four so I broke even all this shit talking all of this fucking shit talking and it just we ended up just being even but I was talking about you know just watching baseball I did my booze lineup

of like whiskey scotches and bourbons alright I don't just do scotches this isn't like the fucking this isn't MLB when Babe Ruth played alright this is anybody can show up as long as you brown now Tequila is also welcome

so this would be my lineup I always change the lineup I would say this week Johnny Walker Blue is leading off you got to start with some strong shit right Papi Van Winkle is in second and then I would put up Angel's Envy

third McCallum Rarecast Rarecast is Baton Cleanup alright then I'd have Yippee-ki-yay fifth and once you get to the middle order this is just when I just want to get fucked up right those other ones Angel's Envy

is also a good one just to get fucked up on you know it's not that expensive either then you get to the middle of the order but it's like I'm getting drunk by myself I'm getting drunk with a friend of mine that appreciates good whiskey bourbon or whatever when I get in the middle then it's like Yippee-ki-yay

Patron Silver maybe I put Grand Patron where I put Angel's Envy that's why I got that okay Grand Patron hit fucking the third spot then I got Yippee-ki-yay then I got fucking Angel's Envy and then Johnny Walker Black

okay those are the next three so then you got eight and nine and that's when you know you just have fucking just people coming over and they just want to get shit faced then you just got to go Makersmark or fucking

Jack Daniels you know and then if you just have a complete fucking shithead you just give them red label fucking Johnny Walker alright so here's this person's booze lineup alright he goes I love your idea about doing a booze alcohol battling lineup here's my submission

leading off Kentucky Tavern I never heard of this this is what I love it's gonna give me new shit to try dependable a little rough around the edges but you know this guy's gonna get on base at a 400 clip even if he has to lean into one every now and then I love that this person broke it all down

then give me your scouting reports too when you send these in batting second Hornitos what the fuck is that Hornitos can be streaky at times but still has a little bit of a pop if you mix it with grapefruit soda

dude you're in your second guy you're already mixing it with something alright oh shit hang on a second speaking of that so Josh just asked me if I had the soda no I don't I gotta do a voice text here get the Fanta

orange with the Mexican sugar there you go alright that's right when I'm fucking not boozing I actually drink Fanta orange soda it's kind of nice because it's really sweet

and then you got the smoke you know it's not redundant remember big night when that lady got the pasta and then she also ordered mashed potatoes and the guy wouldn't do it because it was too starches why would you have a cigar and then drink something really peaty it's like fucking redundant you want a sweet kind of alcohol

um I'm fucking with you I'm not actually I do okay so batting third this guy has bullet this is your franchise player he makes everyone around him a little better plus he's gonna give you a team friendly long term contract that won't have you

paying luxury taxes dude this guy's great you know he took a funny idea now he's taking it to an even funnier level all I did was just I gotta break down each player now batting cleanup knob creek he goes can you tell him a bourbon drinker I can never keep him straight

he goes bottom line is if there's any ducks left on the pond this guy is there to deliver the knockout punch I gotta tell you the way he's describing this lineup he's definitely making the playoffs if not fucking winning the pennant batting fifth smerenoff vodka

okay definitely nothing to write home about but when surrounded with the right personnel there's always potential for magic you know what my vodka is my go-to vodka I like Belvedere oh Belvedere come here boy I like that better than gray goose gray goose is just like that's like

soft rock like easy listening you know what I mean I like Belvedere it's got a little more of a fucking bite to it but I don't know much about vodka either batting sixth Johnny Walker black now you might be now might be a good time to mention I'm in my early 30s

because this guy is a September caller you're not quite ready to add him to your 40 man roster just yet but he's for a cup but he's up for a cup of coffee because you know he's going to be an important part of your future yeah maybe you can get on base and steal second all right batting

seventh oh Jesus dude this is unforgivable if you're in your 30s this is unforgivable and I respect you that you can still drink this Jaegermeister wow wow you often find yourself wondering why this guy is even still around and yet

you feel you can remember you wait and yet you can you feel like you can remember a time when he was actually pretty good yeah he's like the fucking uh one of those guys we had just like you know like Vince Carter still

that's not fair to Vince Carter because Vince Carter was one of the greatest fucking you know I think the best dunker of all fucking time I'm certainly the highest jumper I apologize I shouldn't have said Vince Carter was the first guy I thought of he's like a yeah

do you remember when like Giambi was playing on the Colorado Rockies it's like one of those deals all right Captain Morgan batting eighth definitely a role player that's like your catcher this guy could be a superstar but he's got a bit

of a sweet tooth and always shows up to spring training 20 pounds overweight still you know he's good for a sack fly in a key situation yeah one of these guys just has to you're out there for defense you know he's not hitting for average all right batting ninth wild turkey American honey

and he writes oh geez you ask him to lay down a bun and you just know he's gonna hit into an inning ending double play every damn time by the way if it's if it's a close one I'm putting in Buffalo trace in place of Yeager as a defensive substitution

dude this guy's brilliant so that's my lineup thanks for the idea I enjoyed putting this together even if you don't read it no dude I love that you broke it all down all right here's another guy's lineup all right his whiskey lineup Bullet Eagle Rare batting third

McAllen 12 batting fourth Angels Envy cask strength I never had that DH I might fuck up some of the names of these uh Balvenny 12-year single malt

Glen Levitt French oak I can't deal with the florals I don't like the florals I like more the peaty thing like the Glen Levitts I've never been able to quite handle those but I respect them they're definitely in the Hall of Fame of booze oh fuck he's gonna stop by a taco

to get the fucking booze nah nah nah nah nah nah the solo I mean hang on let me hit pause and straighten this up all right I'm back so anyways Glen Levitt French oak sixth number seven willy pot still

reserve never heard of that one number eight Jefferson's ocean aged at sea Jesus sounds like low tide shit to me I don't know Jesus sounds like low tide shit to me number nine Hudson Bay

starting pitcher is blends oh I forgot to do a starting pitcher middle reliever uh giving you a reliable couple innings makers 46 closer is Elijah Craig barrel proof dude I love

everybody going with the starting pitchers then you gotta have your middle relief actually had middle relief oh my god dude this is this is endless and then you know so you're gonna get some real big time booze hounds that nine you know positions in the batting lineup are not gonna be

enough they're gonna have to go they're gonna have to like I don't know do like a football team 11 offensive players this isn't fair to people over in Europe go ahead give me your fucking lineups and use all the fucking soccer terminology maybe I'll learn something

all right here's another last booze lineup here dear Billy no fun no fuss no must no brainer in answer to your request for our batting lineups of booze I'm not much of a drinker anymore so I'll go the other way and do my recreational drug lineup I love it

I love it you guys are taking this idea and running with it this is tremendous all right number one weed number two black hash preferably from Nepal number three magic mushrooms batting cleanup LSD

preferably purple ousley never tried it but according to Ken Casey it was the best number five ecstasy pure and uncut number six Ketamine I don't want this number seven cocaine pure and uncut

cocaine pure and uncut should be fucking that sounds like a speedster man get him on base he fucking steals second and you have LSD fucking bring him home with a single to write I don't know running on a full count you're not going to catch that guy you might score from

first all right number eight pay out pay outie number nine masculine pure and uncut hey Bill on Thursday you were talking about the sound of drums in the 70s I watched this recently and thought it would be informative to you over overhead mic

with a compressor on it you guys have to watch this if you're into any type of music I actually watch this thing and it's do you know that sound of Phil Collins drums the famous drum fill from in the air tonight that go go go go go go

go don't don't don't it was you got to watch this video how they came up with that drum sound was an accident and then everybody used it and it literally became the sound of the 80s and now it's back I guess Taylor Swift used it in some song called 1989 and all that but if you just if you're into that

nerdy audio stuff like I found this how great my fucking drum teacher Davey Litch is I was tuning up my my drums you know I got some back east and it's this old slingerland kit

and it's a a third a 12 wait no a 9 but 13 14 and an 18 it was 13 14 toms and then an 18 inch floor and a 24 inch kick and I ended up adding another I found a from the same

era a 16 inch floor tom and then I added another bass drum so I got 224 all right this was my first attempt to get to try to get away from just aping and doing a bad job of everything John Bonham did I was getting into primus

and my my brothers they were playing like speed metal and shit they were trying to always trying to get me into Metallica and Slayer and all them and I just was too much of a fucking idiot to realize how great that music was and I could have seen all those bands on their first tours and I didn't do it so anyways

I went home and I was tuning up the bass drum and I just couldn't get a good fucking sound and it was this weird like vibrating fucking sound or whatever and

I text my teacher I said yeah I'm getting this weird like a buzzer a rat on he said is there a hole in the front head I was like this guy is a fucking genius fucking genius because what happened is there wasn't a hole in the front head but where they were something

fell on it and punctured just a little list of hole I said it was a tiny hole because that would be enough to fuck it up because I couldn't get that boom sound and so now I'm like obsessing about it I gotta get I gotta get back each again I want to try tuning them up again

and I've now become obsessed with like different heads and I used to be so afraid to try and tune my drums I'd have somebody else do it and then I just wouldn't touch them and I blame until they sucked again and then I hope I could find somebody else rather than just biting the bullet and being like just take out

your drum key and start fucking with it and ask people who know how to do it to teach you how to do it and keep fucking doing it you asshole but you know part of being an asshole is you don't do shit like that alright the apocalypse

hey there Billy hey there Billy death bell the internet keeps talking about the end of times as if things today are far worse than they've ever been I'm only 31 years old but I seem to remember plenty of bad weather and shitty presidents

um there's this need to make everything sound worse than it is these days because everyone loves to be the bearer of bad news and they get a thrill off the excitement that shit may be going south real quick I saw a quote

by John Mayer on twitter someone asked him what annoys him and he says spacious argument it's everywhere I can't stand it is that it? did I say that right? the fetishization

of defense attorney logic gone mainstream well he's obviously a smarter person than me because I don't want any of that means spacious argument it's everywhere I can't stand it the fetishization of defense attorney logic

gone mainstream that right there is why he's a brilliant guitarist because I don't know what the fuck he just did but I don't know that anybody's ever put words together like that I totally agree everyone thinks they're dropping the mic and they're just pandering and reaching for low hanging

that I agree with keep the 90s music coming that Fiona applesong that Andrew used last week reminded me of the summer I started jerking off save the pet store manager from from last week I don't know what that means yeah Andrew picks the music I wish

I could claim that I was as cool as to know all the shit that he does he knows a bunch about music yeah there is a lot of that there's a lot of gloom and doom and all that type of shit but uh it's not all I

the Great Barrier Reef and all that type of shit is pretty terrifying all of that shit is pretty fucking terrifying and I mean I can't even focus on it if you actually get past all the dopes on social media talking about things and you actually listen to

scientists talking about like whatever their predictions are I know that there's I don't know this sounds like a you know I think it's going to be uh I know it should be interesting we'll see I hope they're wrong

you know who the fuck knows I don't know all right the DNC everybody Dear Mr. Burr I am appalled and disgusted that you had the audacity to speak poorly of Debbie Schultz Wasserman a lifelong servant of her country and the only

party that has moved this country forward I usually enjoy your brand of humor there's no way this person's serious I have I have C parts of your comedy specials and overheard a handful of episodes

of your podcast while in the proxy of my brother-in-law uh you sir have a responsibility to tell the truth and not just your uninformed opinions on politics the deceit that you distribute is going to aid in the dismantling

of this country oh god oh god give me a fucking break you just happened to be walking by and you heard that well you know the whole part of this podcast is that I am uninformed um and I sent a link

that you could watch on youtube and listen to that lawyer discussing the things that she did or didn't do so I don't know what your fucking problem is you know I talk about politics the way I talk about sports is someone who never did it at a professional level

I met Schultz Wasserman a few years back and I asked her what we could do every day to change the nation for the better and she eloquently said do not let them tell you how to feel oh god I'm not reading the rest of this this is fucking

sincerely a proud democrat who will not be discouraged you know what you sound like you sound like someone who comes up to me and says the patriots are cheaters and then I say who's your team and then I talk about the shit that they've done and then they downplay

that yeah you are I gotta be honest with you as uninformed as I am people like you I can't even talk to because you're so lost in your blue ties that you can't see that it's just you know what it's like

everybody out here in Hollywood loves to sit there trash, fox news and talk about how they're all these bullies and all that and I'm gonna tell you I'm not gonna name any fucking names but the amount of performers comedians, actresses

and all this type of shit like their level of zero tolerance like they're they're literally what they're fighting they're bullies they tell people how they're supposed to think the way they're supposed to think and they feel that they are 100% right they feel that their view of the world

is the way that the world should be and anyone who doesn't think that needs to be attacked needs to be dragged on stage and humiliated needs to have their their ability to earn a living attacked it's no different than when you watched what Fox News did to the Dixie Chicks

it's the exact same fucking thing the exact same level of righteousness patting themselves on the back about how fucking smart they are and how informed they are meanwhile as they fly around and fucking private jets give me a fucking break

give me a fucking break, okay you know the Patriots cheat your team cheats, the Republicans a piece of shit the Democrats a piece of shit alright there you go there you go

so anything other than that you're looking at shit through fucking rose colored glasses and I think it's I think that that is I don't know what to think I just I can't have a conversation with that you know what I mean it's like if I listen to a Red Sox

fan back when Derek Jeter was playing and they just say that he sucks and he's fucking overrated and blah blah and I would just sit there and be like he isn't he's fucking one of the greatest players of all time I'd love if he was on my team you know I hate the Yankees but I'm not gonna hate on greatness

Marianne Rivera is the greatest fucking closer of all time I still fucking hate the Yankees but I don't hate him to a level that I can't see I can't see that you know what I mean I just don't I just don't fucking understand it I don't understand it like you want to talk about spy gate yeah the Patriots were guilty of cheating

deflate gate was bullshit spy gate was true however they were only guilty of doing it for one game and I only clarify that because everybody thinks well they should take away all their titles because that's what they were doing no that was the first game it was illegal and they kept fucking doing it and they were 100% guilty

and they deserved to be fucking fine because they were cheating then yes they were that one time all the other stuff was bullshit though however if they because I remember when deflate gate came out I was like if they did this shit again I'm done with this fucking team that's what I said and then I watched the whole fucking thing unfold and I was like

oh this was just bullshit so there you go does that sound even handed you guys probably think I'm too much of a Patriots fan but I mean I did they spy gate was cheating and they were guilty they did it one game Rayman Genie fucking ratted them out

then that was it they were fucking guilty what are you gonna do does that make them worse than anybody else no Bill Walsh fucking cheated so there you go there's your Democrats and your Republicans say the Patriots are Democrats I'm a Patriots fan so I am a Democrat

okay but I can see their fucking I can see that spy gate was fucking cheating and they were guilty of it and I could also see that Bill Walsh fucking did the same thing when he pretended his fucking headsets went out it's not that fucking hard I don't understand

what your point is that oh my god this person was just a fucking amazing person and I said what should we do he said don't let them capitals tell you how to feel that is such like that is gonna be the most vague I'm on my way to my

town car fucking horseshit response ever hey Bill what's your secret to being a successful stand-up comedian you know just get out there and keep doing it man

alright girlfriend won't take racist last name alright dear billsbury doboy hey fuck you man I'm under 180 okay go easy go easy you know alright dear billsbury doboy

my girlfriend of three years has made it very clear that if I were to propose to her that she would not take my last name the reason being is that she feels my last name is racist the name is Koons spelled C-O-O-N-S

I told her that I have never encountered a problem having this last name and she has nothing to worry about thoughts yeah here's my thoughts I think you're making this up and if you're not that woman is too dumb to marry and reproduce with

alright if you call a black person a Koon that is racist if your last name is Koons it isn't you know look I can see if your last name was the N word then yeah I mean maybe you want to

yeah I mean if it's I don't know I mean if that's your fucking last name and that's a believable last name isn't it you know what I mean I don't know anyways my roommate is I'm trying to think of a fucking racial group I can do here without getting in trouble because I want to really do a fucking

I guess I have to go against my own my own fucking racist what I do there's no good ones there's no good ones with white people because like it doesn't have an effect on us ah shit you know what I mean I don't know

maybe in the future some other group takes over and then we'll have that we'll have our you know you can't call me cracker I love crackers I love putting cheese on them my roommate is a fucking weirdo dear cuntie mccun fuck first of all a big fan

of the fucking podcast the last fucking Netflix special was phenomenal so thanks okay I think this is one of these people that thinks because I swear that now they have to swear you don't have to bring yourself down to my level sir anyways I just fucking moved into college as a freshman my roommate is a hot motherfucker I mean

I'm gay so right away I was into him but I kept to myself since I had no way of knowing he was gay too I thought you guys had gaydar you couldn't sense it so last week on Friday after a fucking drunken night out we returned to our room oh jeez here we go

and the fucking guy offhandedly tells me he's gay once the conversation started getting more personal then I told him I'm also gay and this guy says fag I don't think this is real after which we proceeded to fuck

it was fucking amazing by the way I find the term I find the fag term endearing so fuck all the political correctness hysteria by gays and non-gays alike I'm just going to read this okay anyways this is when the shit started to hit the fan no pun intended sorry dude

you lobbed it over the fucking net once I came he expressed disappointment at the volume of my cum does anyone believe this is true he said that's it what are you sick or something I felt fucking inadequate since his load was

considerably bigger than mine oh jesus christ so then the next morning he says he wants to fuck again I go along with it like he's so hot I'm not going to refuse halfway through this motherfucker says you know for a tall guy you're sure of a

small dick and he writes like what the fuck yeah well dude you came back for more abuse here so I'm all for two right inadequate dick size check lack of herculean cum shot check is insulting the people

he fucks part of his style like I can't figure out why he still wants to fuck me after two colossal fucking insults so what the fuck do I do next we'll stop fucking the guy fuck knows but the next day we're chucking peers in our room you know other than the gay sex

this sounds amazing sorry I'm looking this as a straight guy what the fuck am I okay we're chucking beers in a room and he suggests something beyond weird oh god he basically tells me he wants me to pee in his mouth you know even if this is

fake this is tremendously creative you got to give this up okay since it turns since it turns him on I'm eight beers deep and I'm a lightweight so I'm like fuck it dude I swear to god if this is true and you piss in this guy's mouth and he's like that's it this motherfucker has a stream

like a goddamn fire hose and nearly broke my jaw in the process what I don't believe Jesus Christ so I'm completely weirded out by this colossal cunt dude you let him piss in your mouth his only saving grace is that he happens to be the hottest guy I ever met

so Bill what the fuck do I do do I change room kick this cunt to the curb and sleep and never sleep with again or do I stick stick in there so that I can stick it in there thanks and go fuck yourself you muggy bitch

I don't know sounds like you feel bad afterwards if I was with a woman and she was doing this shit to me and she was really hot yeah I'd probably keep going back but I would just get myself mentally prepared you know what she might do just tell him he has a weird asshole

you got to get in his head tell him his ass is too hairy he needs to braid the hair on his ass so I don't know what the fuck the I mean you're outside you know this is still basically human interaction so you're talking about feelings here so if you want to get childish say something mean to him

and I don't know you know what's weird is Josh just showed up now I have to smoke a cigar I have to read that shit yeah dude don't fucking go back don't go back for more right or if you're gonna go back for more sorry I'm texting

hang on alright yeah you don't need to put up with that shit if anything's like a pun in this the weird thing is that you live with the guy it's never good to fuck your roommate you know that's never gonna be a good thing

but I don't know how it works with gay guys because you're both guys right so I would think you'd be able to just be like yeah we're just fucking right then we'll watch a game and fucking drink some beers and I'll fucking piss in your mouth evidently I guess that's how it goes down I don't know what the fuck happens here so I would just

if he sincerely is making you feel bad then I would try to find a better guy but considering you live with them obviously it's not like you can just blow the guy off so at some point he's gonna be like hey man you want a fuck you gotta be like nah I don't

be like why not because you're a dick you say mean shit to me and I don't like it so why don't you go in there and rub one out and piss in your own fucking mouth douche or you just move out

that's the podcast everybody God bless each and every one of you go fuck yourselves and I'll check in on you on Thursday and I'll see ya