Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 9-5-16

Episode Date: September 6, 2016

Bill rambles about bringing food to a party, pastries and hecklers.

In the mountains, in the kitchen, even in the living, they are really everywhere, the empty batteries. But now we are going to the finish, bring them quickly to a BeBat collection point. You will always find one in your neighborhood on BeBat.be BeBat! Together, better for nature and for all of us. Campaign in cooperation with the OVAM. Sorry, the podcast is so late today.

Oh, that's a lie, I'm not sorry. I'm full is what I am. I went to a Labor Day party, you know, I had to make a fucking pie. You know, that's what I do. They go, hey, you know, bring something, do this, do that, blah, blah, blah. And I said, hi, man, I'll fucking, I'll bring, I'll make a fucking pie. And I was doing that this morning and then the thing started at noon and I went over there and I had been doing so well with my diet.

Last week I told you I was almost 190, it was 189.8. I needed to get down to a buck 71.72 for my special on October 21st. So I stepped on the scale yesterday and even though the weigh-in was for Tuesday, by Tuesday I wanted to be down to 186, but I was 185.6 by Sunday. So the first week you always do a big drop. You can drop like three, four pounds just because your body's so fucking shocked. Like, oh my God, salad. What the hell is this?

You know, you throw a little bit of cardio in it, you can drop. But now this week, this week is the week my body goes like, oh, so we're doing this now. Oh, okay. And then it starts to slow down. So I really got to go hard. So I got down to 186, 185.6, made it by four ounces. And so next week I got to be 183. That's it.

I just keep going 183, 180, 177, 174, 171. And then I should have like a week to go. And as long as I'm not a fucking moron, I won't look like fucking billy fat tits on my special. In between specials, you know, what are you going to do? But, you know, that's one of the good things about doing a special. I mean, every two years, man, I get in shape. So anyways, I went to this party today and it was just like, oh, it's a fucking, they had everything laid out, right? And then in the other room, they had the salads.

And that's, if I saw those, I would have gone for them because I was in such a good headspace. I had my eggs with my fucking oatmeal. I had a grapefruit for fucking snack. My body was not, was just like, we're good. We're good. We're not craving sugar, not craving salt. And I went in there, the salads were in the other room and right out in the open they had, they had burgers. They had dogs.

They had a nacho making machine and old freckles hit it. Oh, I hit every, hit every station. Went in there like Ric Flair. Woo. Just fucking ate them all. It's that voice in the back of your head. Signally, what are you doing? Stop.

And I just couldn't stop. What do you want something to drink? You know, we got waters. We got beer. We got, yeah, what do you want? What do you want? I'm thinking drink of water. My mouth just goes, yeah, I'll try a beer.

So I had a beer. Then I had a root beer. I had a little of this banana cream pie. Then of course I had to cut into my pie because nobody was fucking eating it. That happens a lot by the way. You know, there's that thing when you become an adult and you've just completely, you've completely lost all sense of who the fuck you are. You know, you're in a relationship.

You're just fucking busy 24 seven. You got bills. Your kitchen's fucked up. You know what I mean? You don't even know what you're doing anymore. You're putting on weight. One thing that you have as a fucking adult is that you go to a party, you make some food and you just sit there hoping somebody's going to eat it, say it's good and validate

your fucking existence. You know, nobody, nobody dug into the pie. And then there's, then there's tricks. There's tricks. What you do is when nobody's looking, you dig into your own shit, right? You try to position into a place where other people can see it. You know, when you dig into your own pie or your own fucking souffle, whatever the fuck you made, right?

Hoping that, you know, it's like when you're at an auction, you know, and you're selling a car and nobody's bidding on it. You know, there are people that will actually bid on their own car trying to get people going. You're priming the pump. You're playing a little fucking, yeah, you're playing a little gambling. Oh, I'm laying down. That's how fucking, how much I ate today.

Laying down on the fucking floor like a goddamn freckled dog. Yeah. So then people finally dug into it. Crust was great as always, but I don't know if the blueberries weren't fucking ripe, or if I didn't use enough sugar. You know, this one called for like lemon zest. I felt like there should have been lemon juice in there. There was just way too fucking tart though.

So I guess the lemon juice wouldn't have helped. It needed something else though. I got to tell you it needed something else, but oh, you should have seen the pie crust though, the old upstairs downstairs, you know, anybody can, you know, the downstairs one is hard enough when you try to make that top pie crust to meet the other one. Oh, that is a shit show. That is a fucking shit show waiting to happen. The first few times I made it, it would always like split at the top.

And then you just, it's, you want it to be totally smooth. Right. Cause you can't, if you fuck up the bottom one, no one sees it cause you got the film. But if you fuck up the top one, that's when people know if you're an expert or you're intermediate or you suck. And this one actually came out great. And, and then of course the filling wasn't that good. But if you had a little scoop of ice cream with it, it was fine.

So embarrassed. I had to go fucking eat my own pie. No, actually I mentioned it to the host. He was like, which one's your man? You made the blueberry and then he sat down. He just fucking had it just cause I was bringing it up. He knew it. He knew it.

I was like the fucking, you know, I was like the chick without the date on prom night and he felt bad. That's what it was. It was a sympathy fucking pie. Slice of pie. Oh, this is too fucking weird. Now I'm talking about pie and ladies. What do you want from me?

I'm fucking full. So anyways, I hope you guys had a great Labor Day weekend. I can't believe it's already football season. Just being away for the last month. It was great. I missed one whole month of dog day baseball. Now all of a sudden baseball is interesting to me. The Red Sox, the fucking Red Sox are two games out.

I could probably only name one person on the team. I know it's big pop. He's last fucking year. It's his last month. I know once he goes, I don't think I know anybody on the team. We had the Panda at third base, but I don't even know if he's around anymore. I think he just left. He just sort of ate his way out of baseball.

Very unfortunate thing. Fucking hilarious to me though, you know, because I didn't pay him. That's funny to me that he finally got all that fucking money. He was like, you know what? My whole life I've been broke and I had to eat ramen noodles and all that. Now they just paid me enough money, even if I never play again. Fuck this. And he just goes out and he chows down.

But I didn't even know that it was fucked. I'm so out of the loop over here. I didn't even realize that it was college football season. And I was driving down the highway. You know, I was driving down, I was going to go fly. And I just saw on the billboard, I saw USC, Alabama. I get the fuck out of here. USC and Alabama.

Those are two teams that I have rooted against Alabama just lately. Once I jumped on LSU's bandwagon, of course, after they won a national championship, that's when I decided to jump on when I first moved out here and finally had time to watch college football and still do a set at night. But I've been rooting against USC forever because I was a Notre Dame fan growing up. And I don't know, just SC. I don't know what it was. They just were, were, I always root against like the best team, saying like everybody

roots against the Patriots. I get it. You know what I mean? I know. You think we're cheaters. Yeah, yeah, whatever. Go watch some of that Oakland Raiders shit that hit on Lin Swan where he just fucking won.

Even, even all of that guy, all of that guy's hits, whatever his fucking name was. Can't remember his fucking name. He's like, yeah, we used to intimidate people. It's like you're, you're just punching someone when they're not looking in the side of the fucking head. Anyways, anyways, forget about having steroids delivered to your wife. But anyway, so I've always rooted against teams like that. And back when they had Charles White right through Marcus Allen and everything, I used

to always root against those guys. And, and of course lately I've been rooting against Alabama for less five, six years just because it's fun. And now they're both playing each other. And I was just like, who the fuck am I going to root for? So I watched the beginning of the game and, you know, they're showing the highlight of USC coming out, like they're a bunch of crazed dogs right at the end of a fucking, you know, backyard leash things, you know, close wire that they're on that.

I'm like, these guys are ramped up. They're not afraid of the big stage. They're ready to go. This is going to be a game. And like for the first couple of USC possessions, you know, they sacked their quarterback, they drove down the field, they nice throw, little field goal action. And then they fucking threw that, they tried to that fucking sweep. Jesus Christ.

Who the fuck is that quarterback? Humphrey. That guy, somebody better. And by somebody, I mean us. We better draft that guy. I think he's up for next season. Sorry, typing in the part of the password ever so slowly. And there we go.

Marlon Humphrey. Jesus Christ. What a fucking hit. He came out of nowhere. They were running the sweep and I was sitting at home going, you can't do this against Alabama. They're going to string it out. And then the guy tries to cut back inside. He goes, maybe I'll go back outside and bam right there, Fred.

Oh, we took the helmet. Oh, sorry. Blowing out yours. He took the fucking helmet right out of the goddamn chair. I'm surprised they didn't call it helmet to helmet because he hit mostly his chest. And then my wife was downstairs. You know, I hadn't spent any time with her or whatever. And I was just like, all right, I'm taping this game.

I'll come back to this in a minute. And, you know, whatever. I went downstairs a couple of hours, hung out with my wife. She watched one horrific fucking show after another. Oh my God. Oh my God, the horror. The horror of what she was watching. She finally shut it off.

And then we started watching this, this series on Netflix. It was something about these chefs. It was all these, these French cooks. And it was great to hear the French language. Because I kind of stopped it once again. I was picking up, you know, little phrases here or there that made me feel good. And these fucking, these chefs were incredible. We watched like two or three episodes of it.

Of course, I don't know what the name of it is. But it made me want to live in Paris for like fucking three months, four months, five, whatever it would take just to get kind of passable and take a pastry making class. I know that sounds like the stupidest thing ever. But this fucking guy, he takes like an apple and he was going like, this guy was an artist. He was just sitting there going like, you know, I'm so sick of making all these fucking things. I had to come up with some new thing to do with an apple. And he fucking just, imagine if he just kept peeling a thing, right?

If you were just peeling the skin off, but you just kept going all the way down to the core. He did that and it was all one piece. He did it with some hand crank thing. And he said, I wanted to make a rose out of an apple. And he somehow did it and turned it into a dessert. He fucking chopped a duck and a chicken in half and he sewed them together, which was very Nazi-esque slash American horror story. That kind of creeped me out.

And then of course they had to show how they fucking, they were cooking lobsters, live lobsters over an open flame. Can I ask you guys a question? What, what did the lobster ever do to us? Every other animal has the decency of being dead before we fucking, at least in this country, I know other countries, they got fucking maggots running around their apple jacks for extra protein, you know? That's like us putting way potter into our shakes.

They put like fucking bugs and stuff. You know what I mean? Like they're actually excited that there's bugs in their house. You know what I mean? It's like, it's like the food truck came by. But in our country, right? Like that stuff is, it's looked down upon. Every, you know, that's, that's the great thing about traveling.

You know what I mean? You just sit there. Oh, tochi. So that's a delicacy over here. You know, that's one of the wonderful things. It puts a little spring in your step, a little twinkle in your eyes. So anyways, I'm watching this fucking lunatic. And for the life of me, I don't know why they just can't, at least just, can you just fucking,

I don't know, can they make like a little lobster hammer and just fucking knock it out at least? Does it have to be squirming on the flame? And you have to keep telling me that it doesn't feel pain. It doesn't have a central nervous system. Whatever the fuck they try to say, it's just like, like what? It's like an amoeba? It isn't. Okay.

The fucking thing's got eyeballs and shit. It's walking around. It's got its little tentacles. What do we call it? Those, those big fucking things coming out. It can see, it breathes. You got to have pain. That's part of survival, right?

I wish there was a way to shut it off. You know what I mean? Especially people getting like tortured to death. You could just shut it off. And the guys saw in your hand off. You're like, oh yeah. Is that what you're doing? Jesus, I'm all over the map.

I was talking about fucking not LSU. I was talking about Alabama USC. Now where the hell am I? So anyways, the guy got sick of talking about, after a while, he just got sick of the blood of all the animals. And he got three stars over in France. And three stars is the highest you can get. Which is so fucking Parisian.

You know what I mean? They're so fucking understated and classy. I hate to say it as an American, but they really are. They really earned their snooty fucking behavior over there. The people, their style, their clothes, they crush it. You know what I mean? You know, Mr. T got himself a gold chain and was just like, you know what? One isn't enough.

Let me get fucking 9,000 of them and hang around. They're the exact opposite of that. They got like all muted colors and then bam, a sick ass pair of shoes or a hat or the ladies with their bags. Just fucking class. It's not like, you know, it's not like us loud Americans, you know? But it's good to be loud sometimes. You know, I like a fucking muscle car like anybody else.

I like it. I like the Wendy's triple fucking cheeseburger. I'm gonna tell you guys that time where I was standing in line with me and I just kept making fun of the triple cheeseburger at Wendy's. I just kept going, who the fuck would order a triple cheeseburger? I just kept going, come get it fucking. Let me get a triple cheeseburger. I just kept doing that triple cheeseburger.

And I just kept saying it when I went up there. I wasn't thinking and I just said triple cheeseburger. And then after I said it, I was just like, well fuck it. I'll eat it. And you know what? It's delicious. And I still think about it. I still remember where I got it.

I was on like Lexington Avenue in New York City. Maybe second out. I was on the east side. It was the last time I had a triple cheeseburger. Fuck, that was like seven, eight years ago. Nine years ago. Ten maybe? Anyway, so the guy just decides out of the fucking blue this guy decides his French chef.

I'm back in Paris again. Okay. He just decides he's not gonna fucking, he's sick of all the blood, gotten all the animals and all of that shit. He doesn't want to do it anymore. He's just going to go 100% vegetarian at his restaurant and he might lose his stars in Parisian cuisine or in France. You lose your stars.

It's like, it's, it's like losing your soul. And he just made the decision. He actually went to the board of the people that gives them the stars and just said, look, I'm taking meat off the menu. I'm just going all vegetarian. And they were like, are you out of your mind? And he goes, no, no, I'm not. I'm just doing vegetarian shit.

And, uh, you know, do what you want with my stars. You know, and I'll leave it at that. And then you watch the rest of the fucking, well, most of you are not going to watch it, right? Well, then fast forward to the next five minutes because I'm going to ruin it for you. So he ends up doing it. He fucking crushes it and he retains his stars. But then eventually he did bring the meat back because it's such a big fucking deal.

But he also learned how to crush it with the fucking vegetables. This guy was like a lunatic man. Like he, he was like a prolific comedian where he just, once he had his hour of killer shit, he just, he just flushed it down the toilet, shot a special. Now moving on to the next one, you know, I don't know. I was pretty amazed by it. But let's get back to fucking. I know I'm all over the place.

Okay. My sugar's through the fucking roof right now. My mouth is dried out. My body's like, what the fuck? And after, not only do I have my body in this level of shock, I'm actually in about two hours when my stomach settles. I'm going to do my 45 minutes of cardio. I'm just going to try to like salvage some sort of, you know, like if this was a football

game, I'm down by 20, but like I'm just at this point, like I don't want to lose by 25. That's, that's all I'm doing here. And then I go on the fucking road, right? I got a gig in Long Island on Wednesday and then Charlotte and then, no, Columbia, Charleston, South Carolina, and then Charlotte. And then I got two cities, Richmond and somewhere else in fucking Virginia. And then I come back on Monday. So this is going to be the big test when I'm on the road.

All right. I got to make sure I'm not going to be fucking eating like an asshole. I got to find elliptical machines in four or five different goddamn cities. And you know, every fucking hotel, do you have a gym? Yeah, we have a gym. It's on the first floor. You go down there and they have like a fucking treadmill that they bought in like 1978. You know, there's a picture like Bill Rogers on the side.

He won the Boston marathon a couple of times in the late seventies, you know, back when, I think it was before Kenyans were allowed to run in marathons because once they let the Kenyans run, that's, that's been it. I can't remember the last time it was like Angel Salazar. I think that was his name and Bill Rogers and they would fucking win every one of them. It seemed. And then what's then the Kenyans came. And then that was it was fucking over talking like a 36 year run at this point.

So anyways, I'm finally going to finish this. So when I finally, I went down to the comedy store and I did, I did a set. So I was just like, did anybody see the end? What was the final on the Alabama SC game? I shut it off when USC was up three to nothing. So he told me it was like 51 to six. Alabama came back in the old right there, Fred. So I, I watched some of the highlights, but I'm telling you that fucking cornerback.

Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ. He would make a great Pittsburgh Steeler. He would make a great New York giant. You know, those teams that just always have great defenses, you know, if we sign them, we'll keep them right until he makes a pro bowl and then we'll let him go. And then I'll end up going to the jets or somebody, the bills of the dolphins. Not only will he let him go, he'll sign in our fucking division, but I hope we get that guy or get somebody like him.

I mean, granted, what he did was at the collegiate level, but it was really impressive. He shut down whoever USC's guy was. I don't know shit about college football. The same way. I don't know shit about fucking formula one racing. I don't know shit. I just talk. All right.

He shut down like, I guess they're Des Bryant level guy. Guy had one catch for like nine yards in the third quarter. He intercepted a pass for like, for a touchdown. I mean, he just, it was it. You're just looking at the guy and then he came up and shut down the fucking sweep, put that guy in his ass. And that's the kind of guy. That's the kind of guy you want. Oh, Jesus.

He's a comedian. He knows how to build a football team now. Anyways, do you guys watch any of the formula one racing? I've got any of you guys into that shit. What's his face? Lewis Hamilton. I don't understand. How do they fuck up the start of the race?

The guys in the pole position. And all of a sudden they turn into like these fuzz. You ever like learn out of the first time you learn to drive a clutch, you let out the clutch too fast. You don't give it enough throttle in your stall. It's like they do that except in front of a zillion people around the world watching it. This guy was in first place. And by the time they got to the first turn, Lewis Hamilton, the champion. Okay.

The fucking guy was in sixth place. Nico Rosberg took the lead. He never gave it back, but it was a great fucking race. Jesus Christ. The Italian fans were going crazy. Fucking crazy. Just willing Ferrari to get to the podium, which is the first three in that sport, which I think is also in the Olympics. They're all starting to run together.

They had, they got third and fourth place. So they made the podium and those Italian people went fucking bananas. Fuck. Even the announcers are going, can you imagine if they actually won? But it was a, it was a great race. Whatever. I still don't understand the soft, super soft, the medium tires. That's all I'm really starting to understand is that when you pit and what tire you're using evidently is like one of the biggest things.

In the race, because I don't know whoever, whoever fucking makes it into the first turn, first, they win the race. Every fucking race I've watched. It's, it's a race from the starting line to the first turn, whoever comes out in front. That's fucking it over. You've won the race. And then then the whole battles for second through fucking sixth. He's on the super soft. I didn't know about this.

You know, Ricky Bobby's on the mediums. Now those are a little bit heavier, but he's going to be able to stay out there for another 23 fucking laps or whatever the hell's going on. And I really try to pay attention to figure out what's going on, but I can't quite figure it out. I guess with the super soft, they tear up quicker because I know what that one fucking car, what the hell is it called the, the, that one that the fastest production car. It basically can go like 220 miles an hour. But you know, it can drive like 220 miles an hour. But at that speed, you'll literally wear the tires off in like 15 minutes, but that's okay because you run out of gas and like 13. How fucked up is that?

So maybe the super softs are like that. If anybody has any information, because I'm going to keep fucking watching it. They're in Singapore next. They're done with Europe. They're going over to Singapore now, which I'm looking forward to because, you know, when they start traveling around Southeast Asia, they go into like Japan and all that. Like that's a part of the world that really interests me because, you know, I've only, I went there one time, but it was only for a few days. And I don't know, that's one of the cool things that I really do enjoy about that sport. And I guess I wish I could get into soccer, man, because I know that they go all the way around the world.

You know, maybe that's why people are good at geography. They watch actual world sports, you know, and if you actually win a world championship, you competed against the fucking world. Does that make sense? All right, I'm going to shut up now. Let's, well, I'm not, I'm going to read some advertising. I hope this podcast is making sense, by the way, because I literally feel like I could take a Thanksgiving Day nap right now. I don't know what the fuck I was doing. I had a burger.

I had a fucking hot dog, nachos, beer, root beer. I'm trying to go through my head. I just lost count. I was like, what the fuck are you doing? Oh, Billy Fat Tits. All right, Dollar Shave Club, everybody. I was like, Pluto and Animal House. All right, Dollar Shave Club.

Guys, I appreciate you listening to the show and, and wanted to do something to thank you. So I contacted my friends at DollarShaveClub.com and arranged for them to give new net members a month of the executive razor for free just for buying a tube of Dr. Cavie's Easy Shave Butter. I did nothing like that. I've never talked to those people. I would not call them. Why do they write shit like that? Do you guys really? Oh, well, look at Billy.

He's really going the extra mile for us. Whatever the fuck they give you, they made that decision and then I just read it. Um, evidently, I'm super excited that they're doing it for you. Now, let me remind you why millions of others have joined as me as a proud member of the club. I'm not a member of the club. Anything that involves going online and registering for shit, I won't do it. I won't do it because I can't figure it out. It takes too long.

I have to call somebody. It's like, it's like that. Who wants to be a millionaire? Right? You know what I mean? One of the worst fucking shows of all time. Who wants to be a millionaire? And then like the people were so fucking dumb on that they had to call their friends like halfway through.

Like, can you help me out? You know what I mean? That doesn't happen on Jeopardy. That doesn't even happen on fucking Wheel of Fortune. Price is right. You know, you kind of look out to the crowd and everybody's like, ah, 3,000, 3,000. I don't know.

Anyways, let's get back to this shit here. All right. You get the first class, you get a first class shave when you use the executive blade and that's without even hurting your wallet. And when you use the executive with the Dr. Carver's shave butter, the blade gently glides across for the smoothest shave ever. Shave butter, isn't your average shave cream? Oh, it's made out of daffodils and baby butts. It's a unique conditioning formula with high quality natural ingredients, leaving your skin unbelievably soft and smooth. Now's a great time to join Dollar Shave Club.

New members who buy a tube of shaved butter get a month of the executive razor for absolutely free. Take advantage of this special offer today. It's available by going to dollarshaveclub.com slash burr. That's dollarshaveclub.com slash burr. Oh, look who's back, everybody. Boop, boop, boop, me undies, me undies, making a blueberry pie. Boop, boop, boop, me undies, me undies, keep eating and you don't know why. And all of a sudden, your balls are at your feet, but they feel real comfortable and that's real neat.

Because when you wear fucking me undies, yeah, they fucking put your nuts in a hammock, or maybe you twat now and floss. Those beef fucking curtains. All right, me undies, whether you're wearing a suit or sweats, you spend almost 24 hours a day in your underwear. But instead of making a statement like Superman's tights under his everyday clothes, your underwear is probably boring. Me undies is here to help change that. Please include modal.

All right, every player of me undies is made from sustainable source Modell, a fabric that's twice as soft as cotton. Nothing can describe the fit and feel of me undies. You got to feel it up against your balls yourself. I could try to explain it to you, okay? But it'd be like somebody trying to explain that first hit of heroin. You know what I mean? You know, they always say it's like being held in your mother's arms.

It's like being held in your mother's arms. Well, what if you came from a family and they weren't huggers? You know what I mean? No, you might as well just be saying like, it's like the first time you drive a Lamborghini. I never drove one. Once you try them on, you'll understand why they're called the world's, world's, world's, world's most comfortable underwear, underwear. And if you don't love your first pair of me undies, they're free. No questions asked.

Me undies has dozens of, of course it is. What are you going to give it back to them? You already walked around farting in it and God knows what else. Shook your dick off and then the rest of it dried up in there. No questions asked. Me undies has dozens of styles and limited edition prints to help you make a statement with your underwear. Whether anyone can see them or not, remember Superman. Shipping is free in the US and Canada and you can save up to $8 a pair with the me undies subscription plan.

Get the subscription or a single pair. You get 20% off your first order when you go to me undies.com slash burr. That's me undies.com slash burr for 20% off your first order. Me undies.com slash burr. How many more fucking things we got here? Three, four. No, no, no, those are the reads. Two more, two more.

Sorry, everybody. Sorry. It's the fucking sugar. Oh, blue apron everyone. Oh, Jesus Christ. Speaking of food, you know, not all ingredients are created equal. Okay. Jesus separate but equal.

This is very racist here. This is for food, huh? This is like reverse America. Fresh, high quality ingredients taste better and better and are better for you. So it's important to know where your food comes from. Talk about your personal experiences with blue apron. Oh, I've never used it. So, you know, it looks fucking great on the commercial.

Jesus Christ. They got a good commercial. You see that one where the guys got the Thai noodles? Fucking unbelievable. Then in the end they show like the silhouette and you could see he's getting a blow job. It's just like, wow, these guys are really, they're really claiming a lot with this food. Or maybe a fellow sleep watcher's cinema. For less than $10 per meal, blue apron delivers seasonal recipes along with pre proportioned ingredients to make delicious home cooked meals.

Blue apron knows that when you cook with incredible ingredients, you make incredible meals. Well, yeah, unless you fuck it up. So they set the highest quality standards for their community of artisanal suppliers, family run farms, fisheries and ranchers, whether it's Japanese ramen noodles, wild caught Alaskan salmon or heirloom tomatoes. Blue apron is bringing you the best. New recipes are created weekly and are not repeated within a year. That's incredible. Choose your meals from a variety of recipes that let blue aprons culinary team surprise you.

You know, if I had a fucking marketing bone in my body, also if I wasn't on the road up until my special, I would just eat fucking blue apron every goddamn night in workout, right? I tell them to send me the shit for free. I'll keep hyping them and I'll give them the credit for me losing weight. You know, rather than I'm going down to the elliptical every day, sweating like a fucking junkie in a holding cell. Anyways, customize your recipes each week based on your preferences. Choose delivery options to fit your needs. There's no weekly commitment, so you only get deliveries when you want them, which is great.

Check out this week's menu and get your first three meals for free with free shipping by going to blueapron.com. You love how good it feels and tastes. You're creating incredible homecooked meals with blue aprons, so don't wait. That's blueapron.com. Blue apron, a better way to cook. You know, that really is one of the better fucking advertisers we have. If I was a younger man and I wasn't a road dog, swear to God, I could really fucking... I'm actually thinking about doing it because, you know, I would love to learn to cook some of that Asian shit, you know?

I'm always too intimidated. Like, there's all these places out here, Koreatown, Taitown, Chinatown, all of that. And I always look into their markets and everything. And I'm just so fucking intimidated because I don't know what any of this shit is. You know, I don't know what the fuck's going on, you know? Then when you're in like Chinatown and like San Francisco, they got all this stuff, but then you see like a whole duck just hanging by its neck and you're just like, oh my God. You know, you start thinking about Vietnam movies that you watched and, you know, the deer hunter,

and then all of a sudden you start sweating and you get out of there. Next thing you know, you're eating a cheeseburger when you should have got a burrito. You're in San Francisco. All right, score big, everybody. You're paying too much for tickets. Between all the markups, last minute convenient charges, even printed home fees. You end up paying courtside prices for nosebleed seats. Sorry, score big is here to change that.

Guys, I don't know about this company, to be honest with you. I think this is just another fucking scalping site. You know, I think what they're claiming, they end up doing. Did you know that 40% of all live event tickets go unsold? No, that's not true. That is not true. That isn't. I know what happens is you fucking assholes go and you buy them up and act like you got them.

Something happens. I don't know. This whole fucking thing seems fishy to me. And did you know there's a place to get seats at huge savings? It's called score big. Score big works directly with your favorite teams and artists to get... Oh, good. So they get a cut.

And artists to get their unsold seats at unpublished prices. That's bullshit. That's bullshit. People scalp tickets to my shows all the fucking time and fans end up yelling at me. And I'm not... I don't make any money off of that. I get that all the time. Dude, you're funny.

You're not this funny. And then I look and I go, Jesus Christ. And I call it my age and go, what the fuck are we charging all this money for? He's like, we're not doing that. Those are scalpers. I don't know. Maybe score big. Maybe score big is on the level.

I'm going to have to do a little research here. Only with score big can you name a ticket price and be guaranteed to pay below box office up to 60% off. Now, see right there. They're talking some shit there. Below box office. So if box office says 100 bucks, you know, then you should be getting it for 40, right? Or at least under whatever the fuck that you're saying, up to 60% off.

All right. Here's what you do. One, go to score big.com or download the new score big app on your iPhone and find the events and tickets, the seats you want to make an offer with score bigs. Name a ticket price feature. Three, get an instant answer and save up to 60% of your tickets. Maybe they're not that bad. Name any fees, never any fees and shipping is always free.

You can count on unbeatable prices and great seats. And when you're in great seats, you actually enjoy the game or the show all the more next thing you. Yeah. Just stand down there taking a fucking selfie. Next time you go see any game or show, go to score big first and see how much you can save for the easiest way to save on tickets, download the new score big app for your iPhone, enter promo code burr at checkout and you'll save an extra $20 off your first ticket price.

No iPhone, no problem. Get $20 off online too. It's score big.com that score big.com promo code burr score big.com promo code burr. That's it, right? Dakota access pipeline. Oh, okay. That's that's part of a question sitting there reading. Like what the fuck is that?

I thought that was like the end of the copy. Like that was some code to save money. That's somebody's question. All right. Hang on a second. Jesus Christ. Okay. Let's let's let's read some questions here for the week.

Shall we? All right, by the way, as I mentioned everybody, Wednesday, I'm going to be back out in Long Island. This is the make update for that show that I had to cancel because of the snowstorm whenever the hell that was back in January. I'm doing two shows out there with Vinnie Mark, one of my great friends, one of the nicest people I ever met in show business. When I first started, he was very nice to me.

Did I ever tell you guys that? Oh my God, like this story. There's very few times in my career where I actually, when I was on my way, starting out that I actually thought about quitting. I remember the first time I was still living at home with my parents and there was some big football game on like BC was playing Notre Dame. And I had a gig in some hell room down in down in Rhode Island. I never forget it.

This always makes me have a panic attack because I said to my brother, I go, I don't know, man, you guys are hanging out. You watching the game? I don't know. I don't feel like going. And my brother said, he said, you should go. And I ended up going down there and I had a good set. And then I never had that feeling again.

And I always thought like, what the f... If he didn't say that, like if I didn't go, would I be that guy who started and just quit? You know? So anyways, the next time I had it, because I can... I've only had it like two or three times in my career. The next time I had it, I definitely believe me. Had times where I thought I made the wrong decision or I was just sitting there going

like, am I going to be the guy who just never fucking sells a ticket? Am I going to be that guy? You know? And I remember going back to the fucking hotels. I remember one night in particular, going back to the hotel and I wrapped the pillow around my head like earmuffs, you know? I was telling this story to Marin the other night and he was laughing. I said, I wrapped it around my head like earmuffs, around the back of my head, trying to block

out the negativity, you know, which is stupid because it was coming from inside my brain. But when I first met Vinnie Mark, I had just moved to New York and I got my first manager and he hooked me up with this gig. It was somewhere out in the... It was either... I want to say it was either Brooklyn or Long Island. I can't remember what. I can't remember if it was Pips.

I don't think it was because the green room wasn't like a comedy club green room. It was just this... It was a shithole, whatever it was. Yeah, it wasn't Pips because Pips had like headshots and stuff. This had no headshots. I think Pips was later. But I went down there, man, and Vinnie was headlining and then this guy, this middle act was one of these guys who used to be a headliner.

He was a headliner during the 80s boom because they had more fucking rooms doing comedy than they actually had comedians that could fucking fill it. It's like the DJs now out in Vegas. They got more DJ rooms than they have major known big name DJs that could fill them so they'd like just name in their price out there and they clean it up. God bless them, right? So this guy was living that life. Headlining just because it was in the middle of a boom.

And anyways, it all came crashing down and this guy was no longer headlining and during the day he was driving a bus. And this guy was one of the most negative fucking people ever. And I showed up and I didn't know how... I was too young. I didn't know. I didn't have like the defense shields up like, yeah, fuck this guy. I'm not listening to this guy.

Everything that he said, I took his law and he was basically trying to convince me to quit. And what's his face? Well, Vinny was up on stage. This guy was just getting in my fucking ear. And then the next night he had to come back again. And while the middle act was on stage, I was just... I was talking to Vinny, just go, man, the guy was saying this, saying this.

And he was just literally like, man, this is that fucking guy. And Vinny was totally silly. He was upbeat. He was having a great time. And I don't know. I don't know. I just remember before I talked to Vinny, I was literally just sitting there like, oh, and like, I don't know that I can do this.

I can't sit and listen to... Like, is this what New York comedy is? You go do a gig. You know, I was already feeling weird because I was out of Massachusetts. Nobody talked like me anymore. I was like this fucking little baby deer wandering around trying to figure out where I could get stage time. And, you know, New York seemed like a million miles away back then.

This is the mid-90s. I mean, people... I didn't even... I hadn't even bought my first laptop yet. Forget about it. I never even been on the fucking internet as far as I remember. No, I think I had been a little bit. No, I didn't.

I bought my first laptop in 1996. I remember it was like as thick as the first flat screen TV to probably weigh just as much. So anyways, meaning that New York was a million miles away. I didn't know anything about it. And I just remember just thinking like, if this is what every fucking weekend is going to be like in this place, I might be moving back home. And he was a guy once again, just by luck, somebody came along and fucking talked me out of whatever the hell my head was saying.

So anyways, all these years later, we get to do another weekend together. So I'm very excited to be working with him for the rest of the tour. Todd Rex. Todd Rex, ladies and gentlemen. He Rex, the fucking lunatic, is going to be opening for me. Fucking hilarious guy. He's going to be going all the way through the Carolinas and into Virginia with me. So I'm going to have my work cut out.

So I probably shouldn't eat all that goddamn food. But with that, let me do some of the reads here for this week. All right. Dakota Access Pipeline, whatever the fuck this means. You definitely have my peak my interest here. Hey, hi, Bill. I've been listening to your podcast for one and a half years. You're a very funny comedian.

I was hoping to get your thoughts on the Dakota Access Pipeline. Now, for some reason, I feel like this is some sort of jokie thing. And they just wanted to hear me say it out loud. But I'll look it up. Dakota Access Pipeline. Let's see what the fuck this is. Dakota Access Pipeline, protest in North Dakota turned violent. All right.

When the protests not turned violent, it's always this protesters and then the cops show up. Everybody take it easy. And then somebody go, you fucking take it easy, man. And then somebody throws a punch and then it's a fucking, it's a brawl. All right. Protest against the Dakota Access Pipeline in North Dakota turned violent on Saturday. Demonstrated supporting the Standing Rock Sioux tribe faced off with private security officers from the Dallas based Energy Transfer Partners.

Wait, it's on Native American land and they have in the big corporation as their own security officers. Is Julia Roberts already optioned this for Oscar winning role? She goes in and somehow figures out how to defeat the Dallas based Energy Transfer Partners. A video from the scene showed security officers threatening protesters with dogs. As all things considered reporters, hundreds of Native Americans from tribes across the country have set up a camp near the construction site in North Dakota. The Army Corps of Engineers approved the oil pipeline in July, allowing it to run under the Missouri River close to the Standing Rock Sioux Tribe Reservation.

And you know what's going to happen? Eventually that pipeline is going to burst as they always do. Protesters worried that the $3.8 million pipeline, which is slated to run through four states could disturb sacred sites and affect the reservations drinking water. Apps of fucking lulely. If human beings are involved, there's always the chance that can happen. The show, Democracy Now, was at the site of the protest Saturday and documented some tense moments. Dogs appeared to bite protesters.

And security guards appeared to use pepper spray. Warning, the video below includes some fleeting explicatives. I think I can handle this. Criminal! Get your money somewhere out! We're standing at the construction site of the Dakota Access Pipeline. It looks like there are at least... Yeah, these people are not going to win.

It's just, it's a bunch of people saying no, wearing like hipster hats while people drive bulldozers. It's already happening. Oh yeah. It looks disorganized as a bunch of different signs. This is so nuts. To come down and yell at people on bulldozers, I guess because you want to get the attention of the media. But they're on bulldozers on the other side of a wire. What are you going to do?

Once protesters arrived at the construction area, they broke down a wire fence by stepping and jumping on it. Then of course immediately they're trespassing. According to numerous witnesses within five minutes, the crowd of protesters estimated to be a few hundred people became violent. They stampeded into the construction area with horses, dogs, and vehicles. Okay, and it was said more... The sheriff said it was more like a riot than a protest, but the cops always say that. And then the protesters always say the cops throw the first punch. You never know who to believe.

It's just like, let's watch this. This is like a protest to WWE. All right, this guy's got a cell phone. He looks to be Native American, or maybe he's appropriating their culture. You know, having his hair long. I don't know what's going on. There's a fucking helicopter. Let's get to the dogs.

Water is life. Somebody held that and it was written. There was a feather in the background. All right, now he's a woman. Uh-oh, this isn't going to end well. People have gone through the fence. They're going through the fence. The bulldozers are still going.

Oh, shit. Oh, somebody got nice tackle. Nice tackle. Oh, now they got some dogs. They're going Tiananmen Square here. They're just trying to get in front of them. Yeah, this sounds crazy. This sounds like the usual big business thing.

I don't know anything about it. I don't know anything about it. I do feel like eventually they're going to do enough of that fracking and then they'll fuck up all the water, all the drinking water. And I don't think corporations care. I just think that'll be, well, then that's great. Then there'll be no fresh water for anybody to use. So they'll have to all go to Nestle for their fresh water, you know?

And then we'll say that it's distilled, but it really isn't. It's sort of is. And when they get sick, the class action suit versus the money we're going to make, yeah, we're not going to give a fuck. We'll pay him off. That'll be it. And, uh, I don't know. Yeah, I don't have any faith in anything, to be honest with you.

I think we're just going to completely destroy the planet and each other. But in the meantime, if I could make you laugh a little bit. You remember at the end of George Carlin's life when people were saying he got too fucking angry? I didn't think that I was just like, yeah, this guy's making a lot of sense to me. It was still funny to me. Still made sense. I thought, uh, I don't know. However, he read the tea leaves that made sense to me.

Um, I don't know, just about the whole way we go about fucking communicating with each other. We just end up screaming and yelling. And then we get physical and somebody hits somebody and then all, all hell breaks loose. That's, that's what happens. It happens. You know, I do it. I started discussing this election with some people the other day and within three minutes of me talking, three quarters of the people walked out of the room.

I mean, that's how insufferable I am. Is that the right word? Um, women's suffrage. Whatever the fuck it is. Um, what do I think about it? I was hoping to get your thoughts and just go to access pipeline. Um, I don't know, dude. There's just too many fucking people because everyone, you know, I love a Tesla.

I love a priest Prius and all that shit. But if you get all these cars, then all of a sudden everybody has to plug in their car. Then that's more energy. I know when you make electricity that, you know, you need machines and the machines need the oil. So it's just, it's, we consume is what we do. And there's too many of us. That's the fucking problem. All these technological advances that we make are tremendous.

It's just the amount of people that have to live off of them. That's where, uh, it's like getting fat. You know what I mean? All fat is, is your, you're, you're taken in more calories than you're burning. And that's kind of like what we're doing, except we're, we're taking more, more than we're giving back. And eventually it's, it's got to run out. Uh, so I think there's going to be a drastic decision at some point. It's going to have, going to have to be made about the population.

You know, it's just inevitable. This guy, you know, when there's fucking six million people left, why did I pick that number? I shouldn't have said that number. Let me take a, a, a, a more empathetic number because that's what I was thinking of. I was only thinking Hitler. I mean, someone's going to have to fuck. Someone's going to end up doing that. If we could somehow all sit down and talk this out.

And this, but this is what you literally have to do. You literally have to try to get everybody in the world on the same page and to see it the same way. You know, yeah. If you're a fucking you order a UFC event, you get 10 people in the room. I mean, how many can people agree on the one place to order from? If you put it up to a vote, you know, you can get the whole world to get on page. It's somebody's just going to have to do the old right there. Fred, um, I don't know, dude, they should, they should do it first voluntarily.

Like they should be. All right. This is the deal. We're going to have to take out, we got to get this number down below a billion and there's seven and a half billion of us. So, uh, we're going to get to this number no matter what. It's like when I went, a fucking flight is oversold and they try to get some volunteers. You know, I wonder if the tree huggers, you know, I'm a lazy tree hugger. I love nature, but, you know, you know, I'm not going to go make a sign or chain myself to a sapling.

You know, so, you know, I talk a good game, but I don't do any of the shit, right? So what I'm wondering is if, if they go and look, we're going to get the population down below to a billion one way or the other. We're asking for some volunteers. If you're willing to, to, uh, walk into the wood chipper or whatever the fuck you have to do, um, you know, we'll give a voucher to the surviving members of your family or whatever. I mean, but even then they, if you're going to, if you're going to cut it by that much, um, because I literally think that that's what, that's what we're going to run into. And then there's going to, there's going to be this big, I think at that Bilderberg shit, like this is what they have to talk about. Going, okay, we have to keep the best of the best of each race, each gender.

You hope that they're, they're going to do that, right? And yeah, and then everybody else has to go and then they got to be, well, wait a minute, we don't want to mow our own lawns, right? We got to keep some meat heads around to pick shit up. We don't want to have to like, if we kill too many people, then all of a sudden we have to build our own log cabins. We don't want that. So it's going to be really like, you know, we're almost going to have like, have like their own fucking city that we don't know about, right? And everybody goes, like almost like Superman's hideout and everybody goes up there, right? And it's enough people to keep humanity going.

But at this point you need enough people to, you ever see that fucking thing, like what would happen if all the people went away? And after like, I don't know how many days like the nuclear reactors, they all had like the meltdowns, you know? Because whatever was going on wasn't keeping those fucking things at home. As Simpson always takes home with them. They don't keep it cool. Jesus, I'm weighing over my head now, huh? I don't know how many fucking people you'd have to keep alive, but I just don't see it. So as far as the Dakota Access Pipeline, that's just one of those things where I watch it and I feel bad for the people that live there.

And I don't know enough about the other end of it. I know they're trying to make money, but they also are also trying to keep 300 million people living at a certain standard of living, right? Aren't they? Here in this country? I have no fucking idea. All right, Jesus Christ. That literally gave me a headache. All right, stop paying bills.

Hey Bill, thanks for the laughs. You're welcome. Thank you for listening. In search of the solution to the fucking bankers, in search of the solution for the fucking bankers, I had a crazy thought. What if the 99% just simply stopped paying all of our bills to major corporations? Mortgage, credit cards, line of credit. I'm not exactly convinced it's a solution, but you can imagine the chaos even if half of the population did that. Just thought it would be interesting to get your thoughts on this.

Now I must get back to cleaning this grocery store. Fuck you and everything you do. I had to bring that back. All right. Oh, did people used to say that? I like that. Fuck you and everything you do. Well, here's the thing.

All right. If everybody just didn't pay their bills, then like the whole thing would stop and they would put a lock on all the banks. All that money that they loaned out is that's your money, that's my money, that's regular people's fucking money. It's not rich people's money. They're not loan unless they put it in a bank, I guess. Yeah, that would not work. That wouldn't work and then they would just be like, all right, well, then you guys have no more money. You know, them, they fucking, the one percent, I mean, they got like fucking wine sellers and shit.

They got like, you know, they got like, they got like, they eat like woolly mammoth steaks, you know, they got fucking food for days for months. They can totally wait us out. The only way to fix all of this was human beings would have to have been wired differently and we're not. At the end of the day, you know, a lot of the shit that the upper one percent is doing, I think all of us would also be doing if we had that opportunity. It's just sort of natural. You know what I mean? I don't know. You know, people don't handle power wealth.

Myself included. That's an interesting thought. I have no fucking idea. I just wish that they would just, they would just, you know, I pay my bills. Why can't this country pay the bills? Why can't you just keep, you know, why do we always got to be in this level of fucking debt? They just keep going and going and going and going and going and they act like it is someday like the shit's not going to hit the fan. Jesus, guys, can you tell by these answers that these questions you're asking me, they're just way beyond my ability.

Maybe this is why you do it. All right. Lady fan, heckler question. Hey there, Bill, I'm a lady fan and I would like your opinion on a situation Amy Schumer encountered on her tour in Stockholm. Early on in her set, a male heckler shouted, show us your tits. Oh, that's hilarious. She heard it, had the audience point to the guy and shut him down pretty quickly with a few jokes. All right, good for her.

She also said, if he yelled out again, she'd have him kicked out. Well, literally five seconds later, he yelled out again. Yeah, this guy's a class clown, you know, next person does that gets the tension and she did have him thrown out of the show. Well, it's her show. She can do what she wants. My question is at what point would you have a heckler thrown out? Or when have you had a heckler thrown out? This is a great question.

I have no problem with her controlling the vibe at her own show, especially when there were a ton of other audience members for whom the show might have been ruined if the guy kept shouting. Yeah, they came there to hear her act. You know what I mean? He got one show me a tits. She fucking rode with that and said, hey, you know, it's not like it doesn't sound like, you know, unless she was talking about her tits, it doesn't sound like she was. It doesn't sound like it had any context to what she was talking about. If someone just yells that out, then if it, if someone's just going to just keep yelling, fuck you, blah, blah, blah or something like that.

Then, you know, as a comic, you could just stand there and just trash the guy for the whole hour and still get paid. But like the rest of the crowd is not going to walk away happy. That has been my experience when you do something like that. So anyway, she continues. She says, I have no problem with her controlling the vibe at her own show, especially when there were a ton of other audience members for whom the show might have been ruined if this guy kept shouting. However, I've also seen you handle hecklers in your specials and shows without having them ejected. This case might be different since his hex, his heckle was sexual in nature. And as far as I know, no heckler has ever shouted, show us your dick.

Do you want stage? Oh my God, that would fucking kill me if somebody yelled at any who just curious is what you thought about it. The video of the situation at this link, if you want to see it, can't wait for season two of F is for family and best of luck with your upcoming special. Thank you very much. Um, once you're, I don't know, I think once you're at a level where you're selling tickets and it's your crowd and everything, I think you just do run your show how you want to have your show run. I know that there's comics out there that say no heckling. There's other people that don't give a shit about heckling. I'm one of those people.

I don't, um, I don't mind 90% of heckling, you know, it's that 10% where you just didn't want to be there. Or you're just completely fucking like wasted, drunk. Um, and you're just there. You're just going to, you're going to, even if I get the better of you, you're still just not going to shut up and you're just there to ruin everyone's good time. At that point, I would say like, listen, and I would, you know, give the person the money back. It's like, I'm not trying to be a dick, you know, maybe next time or go see another comic. But, um, I've only had to do that a handful of times. Um, when I first did the opiate Anthony show, there was this guy, I remember came down and, uh, he just didn't get it.

Like he came down on the first show and was just screaming and yelling and screaming and yelling the whole fuck. It was, it was crazy. And, um, then he showed up like two nights later again. And he sat right down front and one of the waitresses overheard him. I'm going to yell out the punchlines to all of his jokes. So I, what I should have done was immediately say, get that guy out of here, get him out of here, give him his money back. I'll take a picture with them. Just get him out of here because I don't want to deal with this guy.

This guy's wasted and it's going to ruin the show for everybody. He was here two nights ago. I can't come up with 60 new minutes and fucking two nights. And he was deliberately going there to mess up the fucking show. But the weird thing was, was he didn't go there in a malicious way. He thought it was funny. And it was one of those things that was really in the spirit of the opiate Anthony show, but this wasn't the opiate Anthony show. This was a standup comedy show.

So it was an awkward thing and I had to get him out of there or else he was going to fuck it up for everybody. And he was fucking beside himself. I mean, okay, we don't understand. I love you though. You don't understand, right? So they ended up kicking him out. Classic way, like the way a comedy club kicks somebody out is they get him just beyond the threshold of the door and immediately turn a blind eye to the person. Like, well, that takes care of that.

Right. Then they inevitably come back in which this guy did. And I was selling CDs. This is a long ago as I was selling CDs after the show and I look up and this is fucking guy again, pleading his case with me. And then he got so mad. He goes, I'm never coming one to your shows again. And I was like, good, good, the amount of stress and anxiety brought to me, blah, blah. And then like the end of the night, someone had broken the window out front of the club.

And I always thought it was him. I have no idea. So my thoughts on heckling is basically it's a part of the art form. And I also think it's a part of the art form that makes it really cool. But that's also, I don't define the rules of it. It's just one of the things that I enjoyed that always scared me in the beginning that I always thought was so cool about comics that people would yell at them and they could just handle them and then continue on with their act. And the way I look at it, I say a lot of ignorant shit when I'm on stage and, you know, provoke people and stuff like I can't expect them to sit on their hands the whole time. And I, you know, I like it.

I actually enjoy when people yell shit at me, you know, to a point, you know, but if it's on topic. Somebody yells shit out of it. I always go, what'd you say? Well, you know, I'd go back and forth. You know what I mean? But, you know, I don't know. I mean, it's, it's kind of a part of being a comedian. But I think after a while and once, you know, you said it was in Stockholm, Sweden.

I mean, that's an important show. If you're going over there, you're not like the other ones are, but you're in another country. You want to make sure you're having a good show and right out of the gate, if someone comes, they're coming at you like that. They're testing you. And I know a lot of it's going to be made like, you know, it's a sex thing. And, you know, that's not a heckle. No, it's the basic thing where it's like you're being tested by the crowd. So what the comic has to do is throw the fucking hammer down or else the crowd takes control of the show and you're going to have a long fucking evening.

So there's a million different ways to do it. That's how she chose to do it. It's her fucking show. So there you go. That's what I think. I think however the, however the comedian decides to handle it is, is the way to handle it. I don't know, but I was just making all the craze. Some of the shit that people have said to me over the years.

Best one ever was when I was at Danger Fields and somebody yelled out. Anything read in on stage is that and used said faggot. So they used like homophobia for whatever fucking reason. And I'll never forget that heckle because it was so like anything read in on stage. It was like, it was like worded like I was in second grade. But this guy was like the anger that was coming off of this guy and the group of people that he was in with. I knew if I engaged and there was no security at that club and I could not beat up him much less him and two of his fucking friends. And I just, you know, I like the mic stand where it was rather than wrapped around my Charlie Brown head.

So I didn't say anything. I didn't say anything. I've had, you know, oh, Jesus Christ. All the memories coming back. I've had shit thrown at me. Somebody through dental floss at me one time. I was talking about working in a dental office when I was younger and somebody in the middle just through dental floss like that would add to the bit somehow. I had pissed off a woman in Tampa one time and she threw a glass of ice at me.

Somebody threw a dinner roll at me. I had a lot of shit thrown at me. And then just every fucking thing I remember being on stage one time at the Boston Comedy Club. And there was these two black women sitting in the front and there was barely anybody and there was late night and I was bombing and there was this two black women in the front. And one of them had put her head on the other girl's shoulder and was pretending to sleep. And it bothered me for about six years because I had a glass of water on stage with the straw. It bugged me for six years that I didn't think in that moment. You know, when you put your finger over the top of the straw and you keep the water in it to come over and just then let it go right on her face.

That's what kills you as a comic. It's the thing you should have said or the thing you could have done afterwards. But I really think that that to me that is one of like when I used to listen to the Richard Pryor albums and stuff when I was growing up like one of the coolest things ever was, you know, listening to him going back and forth and his unbelievable special that he did down in Long Beach where they had him go on early. He just wanted to get out there and people had gotten back to their seats. Like I really felt like that interaction there. It was like it just put him in this zone and he just stayed in there for like an hour and 18 minutes. And I think with that type of shit and the guy going up with the camera and stuff, like no security.

I really feel like that, you know, that interaction with the crowd, you know, that energy that they were given him. I think that that's why that that specialist what it is. So I'm not against tackling or anything like that. But I, you know, and every comic, like I said, you know, if they feel like it's crossing the line, you just feel and it's at that tipping point. And I got to chop the head off somebody. Sometimes you got to do that. So good for her. All right.

Emotionally cheating. Hi, Bill, a big fan of your stand up in the stand up in the M.M. podcast. I wanted to get your advice on a relationship question. I got married to my wife last year in September, who I've known for 10 years. Prior to tying the knot at the start of this year, my wife, age 30 admitted to me that she has been emotionally cheating. Jesus, she told, why did she tell you? As far as I know, no physical cheating on me, which started a couple months prior to us getting married with her 51 year old coworker. Who's a divorcee with two kids?

What? I was completely blind. He said sighted. It's blind sided, not sighted, blind sided. And in shock when she told me this about a month ago, she told me she needs to go find herself. Oh yeah, she okay. And has recently moved out into her own apartment and we are currently separated, most likely headed towards a divorce. That's why she told you.

Thankfully, we do not have any kids together. My dad keeps telling me to try and woo her back and work out our marital issues. Even if I could do that, I'm not sure I want someone who has betrayed, marital trust and scarred me in such a way. What do you think? Looking forward to season two, his efforts for family, keep up the good work and go fuck yourself. I think you're in a great position. You should stay there, dude. Fuck this, okay?

You've known her for 10 years. She's 30. So you met her real young. She didn't get to go out and go do everything that she wants to do. And yeah, dude, I would walk away. You know, if you guys are roughly the same age, dude, you still got a lot of time. And I would, you know, she did you a huge favor. Just look at it that way, dude, okay?

Football season's here. Get the NFL package, you know? Start hitting the gym. Just get on with your life, man. That's what I would honestly do. And just, you know, get yourself in a great positive headspace, dude. You don't have any kids. She was up front and honest.

She's 30. She's fucking got a tongue hanging out about some 51-year-old. I don't know. That's fucking weird to me, but I'm also a guy. Let her go, man. You know, when you let a fish run on the line, maybe tire it out. That just, I would literally throw the whole rod in the water. Just let that one get away.

Cut the line. Fuck that. Like I said, man. Oh, fuck that, dude. Go travel. Go to Europe. Go do something. I don't know.

Go, yeah. You don't need that shit in your life. Thank God. You know, I actually felt relieved as I was reading that. We're going to get to the end that you guys are going to get divorced. You don't have any kids. That's fucking great, dude. You're in a great position.

Don't listen to your dad. He's probably old school. It's a hell of a thing for me to say. I don't know your dad, but I just, you know, old people are, they're always into that. They're always into that. Work it out. Blah, blah, blah. You know, fuck that.

I, yeah. Football season. You know, get yourself a kegerator. Just don't get fat, you know, like me. All right. The unicorn. I love your feedback slash advice on this. I recently met a very sweet, smart and attractive lady.

We've been texting back and forth for a few days, getting to know each other and eventually got to the, how many people have you slept with question? Okay. I was up front and honest and told her my number. And when it was her turn, she told me she was a virgin. That's right. She's a unicorn. I never heard that expression, but it doesn't stop there.

She went on to tell me she's never had a boyfriend. Keep in mind she's 21. Okay. Don't get me wrong. I'm old school and love that she's a virgin, especially in this world of full of who? Is, but it's still weird. Um, Jesus, no pleasing. You just called every other woman out there basically who gets sex whores and then she's

weird. All right. We went on the first date a few days later and she lived up to my expectations. She was hot, smart, funny, and I had a great time. My question is, how is it possible that the smoking hot and seemingly perfect girl is a virgin, let alone has never had a boyfriend? I'm not complaining, but I'm wondering if she's lying or if there's something that I don't see.

Well, I mean, I think you're going to physically, you're going to, I think you're going to, you know, unless she played softball and the ball took a weird hop, right? Um, wait, whose story was that? Oh my God. That just popped out of my head. That was a comic from way back when I don't even think she does it anymore. You should tell a story on stage about how she was playing some sport and she got hit and broke her hymen.

Um, I don't fucking know. I don't know what to tell you, dude. He said, what's he saying here? I don't want to get into something with her and then find out she's a crazy or worse. Thank you for the feedback and as always go fuck yourself. So, dude, just keep dating her and just see how it goes. If she's fucking nuts, walk away. She is great.

I mean, 21. I mean, that's a little older, but I mean, it's not like 31, you know, 26, 27. That's when you're starting to go like, you know, but someone could just be really fucking walled off, really could have had overbearing parents or whatever. Um, I don't know. She kind of really let you in and told something really intimate about herself. Um, you're, you're just in a spot where you're waiting for the other shoe to drop. If I was you, I'd be asking myself, why am I asking that?

Who did I date before this? That's making me think that this is going to be an absolute shit show. Now look, I would be lying to you if I, if I said that, um, you know, if some woman was smoking hot or something like that came up to me, I would think at some point someone would have talked her in to the rack by 21 nowadays, but 21 isn't that old. Um, I say you write it out. It's a good enough situation. See what happens.

And, uh, if you're worried that she's a psycho, just, you know, just don't get too fucking, uh, you know, crazy and like with the chick and then, you know, after a while, I don't know, maybe you could actually have a conversation with her at some point. Don't be so blunt. Like how, how some fucking chick as hot as you never had a dick in her. I mean, don't say it like that. Just be like, I don't know. You know what?

Don't listen to me. Don't bring that up, but I would continue to see her. If you're having a good time, I would continue to see her and, um, you know, if you're really concerned, I would just hide the knives in your kitchen the first time she stays over, you know, just make sure the bats on your side of the bed. If you really think there's going to be a problem, but, uh, that's if she even gets in the bed. So we'll see.

Um, all right, that's it. That's the podcast for this week. It's nice for it being a little bit late, but, um, you know, whatever, I figure most of you had the fucking day off. All right. All right. Go fuck yourselves. I'll check in on you on Thursday when I'll be in beautiful Charleston, South Carolina.

All right. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Bye. Bye.