Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 9-6-21

Episode Date: September 6, 2021

Bill rambles about bagels, Law & Order, and college football.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Monday morning podcast for Monday September, what is it the sixth? I don't know. I'm on the road. I have no idea. Hang on a second What the hell is today's date? Do I even have that on my thing? There it is September 6th. Oh Jesus, here we go and guess what what buh-buh-buh-buh boo-doo boo-doo It's football season everybody isn't that fantastic isn't that something that you really enjoy Maybe you don't Maybe you're one of those people with this with the with the telescopes

you know And you don't know you don't know how to talk at a party and everybody's sitting there And you're just waiting for someone in the backyard to look up and be like oh look at that shiny one What what's that one and someone else? Oh, I think that's the that's the north star You know the north star is actually the shiniest one you guys used to sail back in the day That's what they use navigation and then you finally get the pipe in actually. That's not the north star That's Jupiter and if you look right to the right of it. That's Saturn every 97,000 months their orbits are close enough that they're right next to each other really is that true?

Yes, it is okay. I'm still gonna fuck the guy that thought that was the north star, but thanks for the information Maybe one of those people, but if you're not If you're not and you're into football I had one of the I had one of the best fucking times I've had watching a foot watching college football In a long time. I was at the rock cafe

That used to be the trump Taj Mahal It's somehow that fucking thing went out of business I just really don't understand how a casino can go out of business unless the skims getting out of control You know, I've watched casino a couple times. I feel like that makes me an expert right people can go on web MD and fucking you know Analyze themselves and decide, you know Fucking what alligator plaque pill they're gonna take. I don't know. Maybe I could fucking Maybe I know some things I

Anyway, I love people do it dude. I went on web and you know my neck was stiff, right? So last night I'm on web and web MD and it turns out I think I have this very rare disease From South America even though I've never been there, but you know, you know people flying on the airports all the time Why don't you just go to a doctor? You know what I mean if you fucking My stove isn't working All right, call a repairman that fixes stoves, you know, dude, I don't like that. I think that's just a little too simple It's too easy

Something about it feels real fishy. I don't like it You know like you like whenever used to watch law and order and they make a rest in the first ten minutes As a fan of the show and anybody understands how TV's made they arrest somebody in the first ten minutes You go like there's no way this fucking person did it. They got 50 minutes to go here What do I do sit around and watch him fucking eat donuts waiting for the next person to Get sexually assaulted. What a fucking idea for a show, right? Special victims units, you know, I think people really want to watch rape victims every fucking week. Why would you want to watch that? Never this like a joke I had a

while back when that documentary on Michael Jackson came out Is alleged victims people did you see it? Did you see it? I was like, no Why would I want to watch a legend pedophilia testimony? Is my entertainment for that night? Let's make some popcorn and watch adults cry about what happened to them as children. I Don't want to see that shit as

Entertainment I could see if I'm on if I have fucking jury duty And I got to sit there At that fucking trial, right? So anyway, I was at the Yeah, I read up a little bit on the whole trump Taj Mahal thing the thing fell into such disarray at one point Trump sued and says take my fucking name off that thing Was the amazing thing about that guy relax liberals one of the most amazing things about that guy is he became a celebrity business man

He's a businessman That became a celebrity became such a fucking celebrity that people would ask to license his name and they would slap it on shit You know, it's like all those Trump hotels everybody acts like he's fucking in there It's like they're just licensing his name. All right, the guy Had he was too busy doing a TV show was that the apprentice was that what it was called? Apprentice the the oppressor the fucking the CEO whatever the fuck that show was called. They should bring that back by the way You know make the whole country like him again because everybody loved him when he was on that show and he'd do that little snake thing you fired Guess what you fired because of that you didn't you didn't do this that the other thing with this company that we all know

Doesn't really exist. So because of that you fired You know, can anybody explain me why there wasn't enough syrup for those pancakes at the luau that you guys had For that company that doesn't exist. Well, actually, I think it was it was dr. Dre's responsibility Actually, it wasn't my responsibility was Cindy Loppers. You know what? This is a double fire and dr. Dre Cindy Lopper you both fired Stupid as shit ever, but it was fun to watch I Shouldn't have said dr. Dre the guy's worth a billion dollars. Well, he was I don't know if he's going through a fucking divorce now

God knows she's gonna get half of it. I supported him I Said you could do it do those fucking headphones. Yeah That's worth 500 million, isn't it? I Love when you know, there's a high fucking level divorce right a High-level divorce and there's all this money involved Then like the woman who didn't do shit starts to like label everything that she did is like a position in a company

You know, I managed the household. I Was the CEO of breakfast. I Oversaw the pool area I Said what you did Kind of sounds to me like you laid around in your pajamas. You know and to be fair. I saw Kelly clock He's going through a divorce. Oh man, that thing just reeked of

Underhand oh my an artist marries her manager It's that piece of shit manager there. Why'd you marry her what cuz you're 15% of her fucking road gigs wasn't enough for you You wanted a hundred percent and then if shit goes bad you get 50% guys getting good guys gonna get 200 grand a month a Man, it's gonna get 200 grand a month from a woman Get a job you fucking bum That's fucking ridiculous. Can you even carry a tune? She carry your ass out the fucking front door Go earn a living

So anyway, I was in Atlantic City, right? AC a To the motherfucking sea as the kids do not say I fly into Philly, which is the most Disrespected fucking major city. Okay, we're not gonna say it's an a-level city All right, if we're gonna go with like as far as size skyline in Population All right, you got to go New York City's number one

Just because all the media is there All right, cuz Chicago is right there with them my kind of tune Chicago is the rig Lee building Chicago is Fucking seven feet deep pizza for whatever reason they never heard of fucking lasagna and

Then I would say maybe Los Angeles right Just as far as like I'm sure like Atlanta has more people or maybe Houston or something like that, but if you Maybe I should look that up, you know, it's just Hollywood's there, right? And all you red state people goddamn fucking Hollywood. They're out there drinking baby blood Pedophilia and all up in the hills saying all your crazy witch shit Why cuz you guys are out in the woods with a sheet on your fucking head? you know

Still hating black people see do you like that did I acted like you're all in the fucking clan We'll stop acting like we're all fucking babies in Hollywood. It's not all of us. It's just a couple of bad eggs Yeah Come on man, we're the ones who make all your fucking movies all your TV right, oh My nose. Oh my nose Marsha Brady. That was us All right, give me back my son once again. That was us All those wonderful movies all came from there, what do we do?

We we say a couple of libel things on the Twitter there and you're ready to walk away from us He hard that was us. I Didn't know if that was us. All right Okay, here we go biggest cities in the US What do we got here Now why did Jacksonville come up first I really do not know how I have so many a picture of Jacksonville came up first

It's the power of Tim Tebow All right, New York City Los Angeles, Chicago, bam, I flipped it. I should have said Should have said Los Angeles second then Houston look at me crushing it Here's one you never would guess Phoenix, Arizona Because they're all spread out. You'd have no idea and then coming in at number six is Philadelphia, Pennsylvania now. God damn it. You would think if you were the sixth largest fucking city in In the United States that when I take a non-stop flight

From fucking Los Angeles To Philadelphia, I could get a plane that was a little newer than the one that I flew on that I swear to God Will Smith sat on that thing when he went out to go test for the Fresh Prince of Bel Air Oh, I'll tell you it was old. I took the red eye, right? I Go on there played for paid for first-class ticket because I'm a fancy man. All right, and I earned it too God damn it. I spent the better part of two decades in the back of the fucking plane Okay, and I can spot I can spot a middle-seater from a mile away when I'm sitting in the terminal going oh man That's son of a bitch. I

Saw this guy like classic fat guy, right Giant fucking polo shirt like a poncho hanging off his gigantic torso with the cargo shorts on Legs out in the eczema Okay, neck pillow, and I'm like that that's got middle seat written all over Okay, and he's gonna wait to get on the fucking plane You know what I mean like a miss like a murder mystery like a great who done it Who's gonna sit next to me?

You know, maybe maybe somebody Maybe somebody isn't gonna be on that middle seat, and then you hit the stewardess go we have a very full flight Please don't put all your shit the overhead compartments. Everybody does any way just try to have it be your wheelies Some douche stuff in a jacket like two feet from her announcement Just fucking stuffing it in there, right and by the way this old-ass plane the fucking intercom is on full blast. I Do the impression, but I'm gonna save your ears just in case you have the headphones on full fucking blast So anyway, I get on the fucking plane. It's like those first-class seats from like, you know the 90s

The fucking leather chair all wrinkled that's lost its Luster from all those years as salesman fucking, you know getting all boozed up and passing out in it You can't recline it. I had to sleep sitting up Paid for a first-class ticket. I don't give a fuck what you fly down. Everything has to sleep or seats if you're up front Right, I have a big fucking head. I got a goddamn snow globe sitting on my shoulders. I got an actual globe Who's kidding? It's a moon that fucking goes around the planet at Jupiter, right? I'm fucking trying to sleep all night and I had keeps going forward fucking waking me up and then I got to go back You know and you know like the design of an airplane how it works because it's designed to fly

It's not designed to sleep on like anything you try to do in one of those old-school seats Or if you're in the airport bastard in the back of the plane, I'm gonna tell you right now I root for all you guys You know, I'm root for that fat guy with the leg eczema to fucking You know lose the weight. I root for people. I make fun of people, but I root for Okay, and that's how I justify what a cunt I am. So anyway It's like, okay. This isn't comfortable What if what if I lean my head on the side of the fuselage and it's just far enough

That it makes the other side of your neck stretch out, right? You're like fuck. I can't do that All right, what if I open the TV tray up, right TV tray the fucking the food tray What if I you know when I put my head down on my desk, you know like back in the day when the teacher had enough of you We're gonna have silence and she'd shut the lights off in the room Everybody put their heads down in the desk, then you put your head down you'd be peeking at your friend He'd be making fart noises with his fucking hands remember Right fucking laughing your ass off next thing, you know, you're staying after school to clap the erasers You go to put your fucking head down on that it's just close enough to your body

Well, you feel like you're gonna fold your spine in half and at just some point you just look over to the person Sit next to you who has a neck pillow that you've made fun of The entire time you've ever seen him and you're like, you know what? That was the move. I Wish I bought a neck pillow. I only bought one my entire time my entire time flying out in the back. I only bought one neck pillow it was blue to bring out my eyes and I only used it a couple of times and I it just took up too much space

You know Cuz I don't give a fuck how long I'm going out on the road. I never check a bag Unless I go on vacation With my wife and then she's always like we're gonna go swimming He should bring you flip-flops have a bathing suit bring you goggles. Okay, cool But what if we want to go out to dinner one night, you know, maybe one night we'll get a sitter You and I could go someplace really nice try and reconnect. Maybe you should bring like a sport coat or something All right. Okay, I'll do that. Now. What if on one of these days? What if it rains?

What if it rains? You should have a raincoat and just you know, I Can't fit all this in a little bag. Well, you should bring your bigger bag. Just bring your bigger bag I'm telling you just do it. You'll have all kinds of options Everything's gonna be great. Just trust me trust me on this one because I'm checking a bag, too So you're gonna be waiting there anyway Why you know what how much lines are gonna take just to if you're back and I always go, okay? And then you know what happens I go on vacation and every day I wear the same pair of sweatpants and t-shirt every fucking day You know and half the shit stays fucking sitting in the bag and I think to myself, you know what I

Could have just brought the smaller one But she made a great point that I would have been waiting for her anyway, so who gives a fuck, right? I'll tell you what gives a fuck the guy who had to pick the bag up and put it on the plane blows out his fucking lower back So whenever I travel alone Whenever I travel alone, I there's no fucking way I'm prolonging

This experience here at the goddamn airport. I want to get the fuck out of here so Anyway, I Get on the fucking plane and I I think I actually slept for most of it still But like why doesn't Philly like they've always had just shit flights. I Remember before American took over that I guess non-stop US air had it And Jesus they had they had the even shittier planes You know what I mean, so I don't know next time I'll just fly into fucking. I don't know where

DC or Newark The Newark was like underwater like they meant the vibe here in New York City The vibe in New York City has really fucking changed. It's gone back like after this pandemic You can just you know a lot more trash a lot more fucking homeless people and shit I guess the Liberals had to change some sort of gun law Looking out for people's human rights, you know, which is never a bad thing But I guess it makes it easy to walk around with the guns so violence is up. I Was told to keep my head on a swivel

Now I don't like any of that that that's Allegedly happening happening in New York, but what I'm hoping it's gonna do is make the crowds a little bit better than they were When I was here two years ago Doing the Pete Davidson movie You know when it was at the literally the height of the phony woke white person I Am woke because I bestowed that title upon myself I Said that I am woke therefore I am woke so anyway, I was trying to say I had like one of the best experiences watching a football game

I Was working with Joe Bartnick who by the way is Absolutely fucking murdering he was killing so hard that when we went down to the sports book the next day to watch college football People were coming up to him. I was two people away from they didn't even see me. Oh Billy fucking ego face was sitting they go and I guess it's over I Guess I guess I don't have the fucking the the lusters off the fucking orange apple here Coming up to him right so we go down to the sports book. I had a little cigar my first one in a couple two three weeks and I

Had an item smoothie mr. Allman smoothie. I highly recommend at the Hard Rock Cafe. I Had hit the gym You know both fucking days Having a good time. Oh Billy flat bellies coming into full effect. We go down to the sports book and I was like I was gonna bet Wisconsin Because Penn State's had a rough time the last couple years and Barton it's like come on man We're doing a gig out in Penn State coming up. He goes. What are you? You know, that's bad karma I was like, you know what? You're right

I'll take Penn State and then he liked the Georgia Bulldogs and I was like, you know, it's the first week What the fuck do I know? I'll take the Georgia Bulldogs, too. Then I go. Oh, look at this the late game LSU went Is playing UCLA I'll bet LSU so every one of them I bet the spread I don't like combining games You know what I mean? That's like, you know The plane crashes and everybody fucking crawls out. We all we all have to survive You know you go solo that's what the fuck you do you got a better chance, you know

I don't want to fucking be hanging with this sleep apnea guy Um So I bet Penn State Which is one of the great college games I've seen classic big 10 matchup 0-0 at the half Okay Not, you know, not true sports fans are shutting it off because all they well, you know When you're not a fan of a sport what you want to see is offense

That's your big fucking thing. All right, you want to see scoring It's like, you know when an American watches soccer What is our big complaint dude? Nothing's happening Meaning the ball isn't going into the fucking net that doesn't mean nothing's happening You just don't have an ability to watch the game At a higher level I guess of understanding it So let me see here. I want to make sure I got the Penn State roster here So I give a shout out to some of the players

Who was that kid who got kicked out of the fucking game for that bullshit targeting It was such a bullshit targeted that the refs didn't even fucking call it and then the quarterback sitting there complaining He hit him with his shoulder and the helmet at the same time. I understand that it's it's it's a I don't I forget the names number five that wide receiver. They couldn't cover them number 13 And I think a guy number 41 on the defense had a nice big hit and just of

right down to the end right down to the end an incredible game and Penn State with some huge stops turnovers and all of that type of stuff and I got money on the game And I was flipping out what Ellis Birx 30 played for the or is it Brooks? Ellis Birx played for the Red Sox. I don't know Great game, you know, I just put a hundred bucks on hundred to win like 95, right? And then the Georgia Bulldogs, right? Another hundred to make 95. I hit that one too and then LSU F You know just couldn't make it happen. I love all these fucking assholes

So in the end, you know, then I lost that hundred bucks. I was up like 95 bucks or whatever the fuck it was But I was just sitting there smoking a stick You know smoking a cigar inside is just unbelievable And I always think of this highlight that I saw a long time ago of this World series game I want to say was the Mets not the one in 69 when they won I think they went to the World Series again in the early 70s and they lost But it was a game at Shea Stadium It was a World Series

Of course it was during the day because that's how they did it back then It's probably over in two and a half hours two hours and 20 minutes Like baseball games were back in the day and they cut to the crowd at one point and there's a guy in the crowd With a hat on not a hipster wearing a hat because that's what was part of his generation And he was smoking a cigar those women around him. Nobody was bitching at him. I Was just like can you fucking imagine going to the World Series? It's on during the day It's gonna be over in two and a half hours and you could sit in the stands smoking a cigar Oh my god

Fucking amazing. So the closest I can get is go to a sports book. I love that you can smoke inside Because like hey, man, you guys are gamblers, right? You like living on the edge breathing this secondhand smoke So, uh, anyway, we watched, um Penn State I watched Alabama Jesus Christ absolutely destroy Miami I mean that game just got boring really quickly and then we went down for the show in georgian and lsu We were both playing at the same time and I love all these fucking assholes getting all over at ojuram Just being like oh was that one year just a flu because he had joe burrows. Is he the gene chisic? You know

Go coach said auburn And won a national championship with cam newton. It's just like since when does a coach not need the players They did that to bill belichick last year when tom brady won. Oh does bill belichick not know what he's doing I mean gene chisick was the guy that actually began the turnaround of the iowa state football program I read this whole article about the guy. He you know Like auburn came and seeked him out And he went down and applied being all right, I'll do it because it's good to get my face down there They're not going to hire me and then they fucking hired him and at the end of the day cam newton and not

He still has to come up with the game plan which he did He was also a defensive coordinator, which I also think helped and the guy won a national championship How the fuck do you win a national championship as a coach and fucking asshole fans are still going? I think it was just a fluke He just got lucky. He just needed one fucking player. That's all What's really going on? What are you really upset within your fucking life? I love it ojuram and I love what he said, you know that ucla fucking players screaming at him and shit And he goes bring your ass on down here with your sissy blue shirt

Fucking hilarious Which it was and of course people like aren't coaches supposed to set an example You know Was like what about that fucking cunt? Screaming at him. He obviously wanted to talk shit He obviously wanted to fucking stir it up a little bit He wanted to take the bull by the horns to take on the bull you get the horns. That's what the fuck happened I loved that. He said it was fucking hilarious

You know that goes back to that bit I used to do about the malice in the palace When that fucking asshole threw that drink on meta world peace, right? And then he it's just like you explain to me any other place in the world where a guy his size would take it full Drink and throw it in a guy World peace his size he wouldn't and then he's had a fucking game And then he does that shit and then as as a fucking man This guy's supposed to let somebody throw a drink in his face and not do anything about it You know and I remember when that shit came out all of all of those that was the whole source of the bit

All of the fucking sports casters going like there is no reason for you to ever go into the stands there absolutely is a reason And I think because he did that That made a lot of fans. Maybe get their fucking behavior and check a little bit Every once in a while you have to go into the stands Boston Bruins The Indiana Pacers and they do all the athletes that come into the league for the next five to seven years of favor Because everybody remembers that like you know, there is a line And these world class athletes are going to come up into the stands grab the wrong person and beat the shit All right, let's do a little uh, let's do a little advertising here

Wait, I can't I got to talk about a few other things um What was I gonna have been watching some of the us open I tweeted Joking around like I always forget that I love tennis because you know, there's only so many hours in the day And all you have to do is just tune in To a major and just sit down and watch a tennis match to realize the absolute fucking war That a game of tennis is and the amount of like

You know back and forth of momentum the psychology of it. I mean, it's just incredible. I watched uh, that carlos Alvarez or is it alvaraz? I don't know. It's easy not easy um defeat that Stefano, uh Seats a pass is that how you say it the bathroom break guy I guess he took a bathroom a seven minute bathroom break and let the other guy cool down His previous match it came out and kicked his ass, which was like within the rules

So afterwards the press was giving him shit and he goes well with the you know, tell me what the rule is Well, you know, it's sort of an unwritten rule that maybe you don't take a fucking seven minute piss Tell me where it says that, you know, I would like you to look back, uh, jokovic, you know, what about that, uh, seven year Yeah, that was a three minute piss Okay, well, you know I'd have more fluids my uh, I have big, you know Big Greek deck it takes, you know longer time to come out the tunnel Um, so they were all giving him shit about that

but carlos alvarez Was uns is is the uh First time since the early 70s like a guy ranked as low as him defeats a three seed And then I also watched this woman, uh Is it leila le y la h fernandez defeat a three seed and uh I don't know you just sit down you start watching and you get just fucking get into it and uh

I'll tell you they mean a five set men's Match takes like four hours Four fucking hours of those guys out there. I mean, I don't I don't know how I now understand why most of them retire By the time they're 30 forget about your your the obvious your body just given out after a while just like dude I can't fucking do with this with the shin splints and shit Uh, I just can't imagine the the mental Like you're getting the ball every possession see the coming at you or you're serving it

You You know you lose a couple of games Don't quit on the set. Just play every fucking point play every fucking point for four hours It's incredible. It's an incredible game and uh, I wish I had more time to watch it All right. Oh, okay. We're gonna do a little advertising here. Look who it is everybody. Oh zip Okay You know according to Forbes gyms nail salons hotels mom and pop stores and more

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I haven't done that in a few years because of my shoulders, but my shoulder has felt better than it ever has He said on my way to 50 I was skeptical that I'd be able to do it But when the time came I did indeed meet the challenge. So when he turned 50 he did 50 Push-ups now at 61. I'm happy to say that I haven't failed failed the age slash push-up challenge yet That's amazing man 61 push-ups is no joke That is no joke and uh, I think it's a great thing to do. You should also do it with squats are hugely important because uh

You know You don't want to be that guy that ends up, you know, always cold and has a blanket on his over his legs You know when you get that level old The fucking grim reapers just standing behind you every time you lean forward to grab the remote If you fucking do a header out of your chair, that's gonna be it for you, right? So I would throw some squats in there, too But that's really inspiring I'm excited because uh

My masseuse the genius that she is gave me these these shoulder exercises. They're just the body weight of my uh My arms and I do them every single day And then I got one of those little exercise balls there like almost like a foam roller, but it's a hard ball. Keep it clean ladies Um, why would you want a hard ball? You want a hard dick stupid? Anyway, and you just put it between You know your shoulder or your back and the wall And you can control the direction and the pressure

And I basically roll out my shoulders and my back you know almost every single day and then I do that so as stretch You know the the up dog or the cobra And I'm trying to get it to the point where I I can actually have hips on the floor and go straight up like 90 degrees I've just decided I'm going to work on that because um I think that's one of the most neglected stretches out there if you so as which is the muscle in the front even

That connects the trunk of your body in the front To your your lower body And it's in the front and then wraps around your back I don't know. I think back towards your spine or something like that And if that thing gets tight, which happens if you sit down a lot like me flying, you know um all around the country And that gets tight You know it starts to pull your your torso forward. So your lower back has to engage

So a lot of time and then your lower back starts hurting. So I find a lot of times when I think I have lower back Pain there's something wrong with my back. I need to stretch out my back. I actually need to stretch out my so as so I'm really trying to work on that, you know, just to live a healthier lifestyle Okay, um, all right going blind drunk. Hey, billy bitch tits Um, yeah, I was sitting there going like is that actually a true thing going blind drunk and I couldn't find The truth of it, but it was as luck would have it I watched this episode of the Untouchables with robert blake the original one where um

A a very very very young robert redford um Played the bad guy in that one and he was taking wood alcohol And they were selling it on college campuses and two kids lost their site and one woman Died and I guess what it is is it attacks? It's not the alcohol. It's what there's some chemical that it gives off not the alcohol

It's another chemical that's in wood alcohol that attacks the optic nerve And it could do damage where you're blind for a moment or you could actually if you drank enough of it you'd go blind for the rest of your life and They used to have this thing called there was another one called It was always called jake leg And there was another one that would actually attack like your central or something in your brain or something like that And you'd get up and you would do like this crazy walk

Because like you know it damaged your nerves and you have to like lift your whole leg to make your foot come up and uh I don't know so I learned that sense then but let's see what this person says all right long time listener We're checking out the uh monday morning podcast for august 30th And you were trying to fact check yourself regarding blindness due to impure alcohol, but couldn't get a source And said you must have been wrong guess what genius you were actually right If you do not properly ferment and distill alcohol, there could be some nasty byproducts included methanol. Yeah, that's it the active ingredient in alcohol is

ethanol Which differs from methanol in that it has one additional carbon and a couple extra hydrogen methanol ingestion is pretty dangerous an enzyme in your body called alcohol dehydrogenase metabolizes it into Formic acid and formaldehyde, which are highly toxic and can cause not only temporary but permanent blindness crazy, right? Uh, what's even crazier is that the treatment for methanol ingestion can include giving the individual more ethanol Aka get them drunker. This is because ethanol and methanol are

agonists I guess opposites of a receptor called a alcohol Dehydrogenase come on, dude. Do you know who I am? What are you doing with all these big words without going into a science lesson? You should have done it I mean, I wouldn't have retained it, but my listeners would it's pretty basic more ethanol results than less methanol Being metabolized so you don't go blind from your bathtub moonshine I've attached a source in case you think i'm bullshitting. Thanks and go fuck yourself ps come to albuquerque You redhead, uh, I would love to

I would love to go to albuquerque um, every time I go to albuquerque, I think all the wonderful experiences I had Playing a very very super small role in one of my favorite tv shows of all time breaking bad um I still remember that cool airport with that giant snake thing that they have when you go down the hill Uh, I also remember standing on set watching weather from like 30 miles away approaching Just seeing a rainstorm coming. It was fucking amazing um, absolutely gorgeous

Gorgeous part of the country um, new mexico is And uh, you know a nice amount of people out there. I'm a big big fan of new mexico and also not to mention that a bunch of fucking uh MMA legends have come out of there Um, so yeah, there's a lot of things to like about Um, new mexico. All right independent woman rant Billy boy saw this on reddit thought you enjoyed girl wants to be

an old school woman No, wait a minute. She wants to be an old school woman. I know she's this seems like She's gonna trick you all right Okay, let's see what she says here. I'm supposed to watch this 37 seconds. Here we go And of course this sound doesn't work This sound does not work. Come on What am I doing wrong?

See, this is why I even if I'm ready for your husband's Okay, hang on a second. Let me tell you something You went in from the 60s really messed up my life goals You don't want to stay at home and clean the house Take care of the kids You know have dinner ready for your husband's when they got home from work. She's putting on makeup. That is all I want to do But no, you all thought everyone wanted to be independent. I don't I don't want to be independent

No, here I am Yeah, she must have had a paper do that day um Yeah, I've heard that argument before I think you should be allowed to You shouldn't women you shouldn't treat another woman as a sellout If she just wants to stay home and take care of kids and also that's one less woman you have to compete for in the job world So, you know, she's doing your favor. She's taking herself out of the game Um, I do have to tell you that woman had a bit of a temper on her that made me a little nervous I gotta be like, uh, yeah, that would not be a that'd not be a good person for me to be with my fucking temper

So Anyway, and as much as guys I don't know. Do guys complain about that? I mean, it's kind of cool to have a wife that has a job and brings home a little bit of bacon there um Anyway, wife never wants sex Hey, billy clown face Me and my lady have been married for almost five and a half years and but he's been together over six years

I'm 38 and my wife is 32 before we got married. Everything was perfect And at that time I thought I had found the girl I wanted to grow old with unfortunately everything went out the window the weekend We got mad the weekend We didn't have sex before we got married So I expected her to be ready to go or show some excitement about us having sex for the first time on our wedding night We got to the hotel and she just acted like we walked into a grocery store or something She thought it was weird. I was trying to initiate anything sexual with her. Oh my god We eventually did have sex, but it seemed like more of a

I guess we can have sex now vibe The weird thing is she actually bragged about her sex life with her ex that night too What What did she say, you know this last guy I used to really fuck him all the time. Oh man. We had a great time So then she got with you. So she wasn't a virgin. So she was banging before she stopped banging when she met you And now you're on your wedding night and she's acting like she's at the grocery store. Okay Since then it's been constant rejection. I could probably count on one hand No more than two the number of times she has initiated sex in our marriage

And she actually barely initiates any kind of physical physical affection So I wonder if she actually did have a great sex life with this other person Um, there was no honeymoon phase or anything sex maybe three times a month as newlyweds Anytime I brought up the lack of anything in our marriage It always turned into a fight where I was told you make me feel like a failure as a wife We are married now We are past all that that stuff is for teenagers and I didn't get married to have sex Okay, something's going on with her. Did something happen to her when she was younger?

Is she gay? You know, that could be a thing. Maybe she's trying to make her parents happy and living, you know A life she shouldn't be living But she not do you have halitosis and she doesn't know how to tell you The sad thing is over time she has let a few things About her past relationship that lasted six years or so come out and she made it seem like she had a long sex life with this other guy She had the honeymoon phase with him and pretty much got all the sex

She wanted before we got married and now just wants a roommate that will pay the bills She let me have sex with her once a week, but definitely nothing more to her once a week is enough, but I want But if I want anything more than that she claims I'm just I just demand sex with her all the time And I'm needy because I want a wife instead of a roommate as a christian. I don't want to get a divorce Well as a christian catholic church was also Falls under the umbrella of christianity and look what they did Okay

We also had crusades as christians and did horrible things to muslim people and all that stuff. So I mean Listen if you're not happy get out of it He said but I also don't want to be 45 in a marriage that lacks any kind of Intimacy either at what point do you think it's okay to bail and find someone else? I'll tell you this right now your heart your soul and everything that makes you And a live person has already left this marriage Sorry that this happened to you. I know it's going to be painful

Just get the fuck out and I'm telling you this time next year You know You're going to be looking back on what in the fuck was that? Thank god I got out of it and you're going to be happy as hell Even if you're single you're going to meet a woman that likes to have sex with you And it's going to make you feel good. Nobody should go through that That constant rejection and dealing with that. Okay This is just like

You know, there's a guy out there for your wife, but you ain't it so you know You're making her feel a certain way. She's making you feel a certain way. It's not going to get better. So You know, and you don't want to be old thinking like I should have just got out of it Why the fuck did I do that and another thing too? How the fuck are you going to have a kid if you haven't sex once a fucking week? You know, if you want to have a kid, I don't know if you want to have a fucking kid But you know, you got to bang away that week when she's ovulating there. All right shark or lion Hey there, billy the freckled butthole per

I have a question for you. I listened to your segment on sharks the other day and once no If you had to if you had to choose gun to your head Being eaten by a shark in the open ocean. Oh my god Or be eaten by a lion in the bush Ah, dude, that's the easiest question ever. He goes. I know either way you're going to You're going to get eaten. However, my thing my thinking is that it would be better to get mauled by a lion than a shark At least with the lion. You don't have to you don't have to fight drowning as well I would like to know what your opinion is on this very important topic

Love to stand up in the podcast. Well, thank you Keep well and go fuck yourself a south african fan shout out to south africa um Oh a lion all day long And I am basing that on You know sig free and roy I think that was a tiger or whatever a big cat dude that thing grabbed him and within two seconds he went limp

And then that was it. I'm not saying I'm happy that happened. It was absolutely horrific whatever but like, you know You're playing with lions and tigers. You know eventually something's going to happen, right? So He just went fucking limp Choked out immediately what I love about cats big Fucking cats is they put they it's over they grab you you're like, uh, and then they just clamp down and they choke you out You ask any mma person they would rather get fucking choked out than knocked out They don't want to do you know, it's just you know, you go to sleep

Then you woke up. Oh, I lost. Oh, okay I don't have any cognitive damage You just go to sleep and you would wake up wherever the fuck you go or you're just dead You know, if that's what happens like a squirrel, you're just dead a shark is going to bite you first. You can't fucking see it It's going to take a bite out of you to see what you taste like To see if there's any sort of threat there. Oh my god Then it's going to pull you under the water as you're fighting to breathe and stay above the water Not even close and the fucking loneliness

Of being out in the middle of the fucking ocean you oh my god, you can just You can take that That shark thing any fucking date, you know I absolutely I would almost if you said would you rather get killed by a lion? Or just bitten by a shark But you're gonna live I know survival. I would have to choose the shark

But just going okay, it's gonna happen and they drop you in the water just waiting Fuck that you know That's why I can't stand bears as much as I love a bear The fact that they just don't grab their prey by the neck and put them out of their misery They just fucking hold them down Like a big dummy, you know and just start biting fucking You know, I don't it's terrible. I don't want to get mauled

Uh, I want to get choked out. That was an easy one. Absolutely fucking easy Uh, all right. Do I deserve to marry a rich doctor? Well, don't marry the person because he or she is a rich doctor marion because they treat you right And the benefits you married a smarty that's bringing on the money there. All right Hello, mr. Bill best comedian in the world burr. Look at that. I get a compliment. I'm a 25 year old guy from morocco Oh my god Casablanca who's lost

And uh, don't know what to do and need your take on this. I met this young lady Six months ago and we're in love. She's an amazing nice and motivated young lady She's on her fourth year in medical school. Dude. You hit the fucking lottery She's amazingly nice. She's motivated. She's super smart Well, I work in an office job that doesn't pay really well and has no future and she's fucking cool She likes you for who you are then The thing is I've been panicking lately because I feel that I haven't found a path or what I want to do And maybe I don't deserve her. Oh Jesus christ

She's from a rich family full of doctors Also, and she's seen and experienced a lot of things while I never did shit and struggled to have a good Dinner out during the weekend. We're planning to spend our lives together and she loves me for who I am. Yes, she does Dude, don't fuck this up Okay If anything go to her and tell her How much you admire her that she found her path And that you know and tell her how you feel

I just tell her how you feel How great she is and you almost feel like you don't deserve her and how you want to find Your path because you want to contribute to the relationship more do that don't don't sabotage this He goes, but I don't know if I deserve her and I don't know what I can do to find a good career so I can make A lot a living In the same level first of all don't compete with her He said sorry for the long email help this miserable guy Who's happy for the first time in life, but he thinks he'll mess it up. Yeah

You got issues, dude You got fucking issues where You're saying you're happy for the first time in life So what it what it is is you've been miserable so long that misery Is your comfort zone? Even though you don't want to be miserable you're comfortable. You know, I know that because I used to be like that You know, I grew up in a very volatile crazy fucking Situation and world and all of that type of stuff and I was like, I'm not fucking doing that

I'm going to be around nice peaceful calm people and what you do is you gravitate Towards what feels familiar subconsciously without even knowing it and you're surrounding yourself By a bunch of lunatics and you fit right in because you're a lunatic So here's the thing dude, you found happiness all right Just allow yourself to be uncomfortable with that And gradually get comfortable with it and what you need to do is communicate with her

Okay, you obviously a head over heels with this woman. You absolutely love her you should marry her And use her as an example of the kind of person that you want to be happy motivated And uh, don't put pressure on yourself To make as much money as she's going to be making it's like the only person who's she's not doing that to you So why do that to yourself? All right And as far as like finding out what you're supposed to do in life just Follow your heart. I know that's fucking cliche, but like

like Think about what you like what you're interested in try a bunch of different things And if there's something that you know, you find something that you would just do anyway If you can turn that into a job You you never feel like you're working So, uh, don't fuck this up dude. That's really gonna Make me sad if you do that. All right, you deserve this person And you know why you deserve this person because you've been miserable your whole life

Which means your family your parents probably made you fucking miserable you deserve happiness But you don't feel you deserve happiness because the people that loved you made you fucking miserable So get into therapy, which you don't have money for maybe that you maybe you got like, I don't know nationwide healthcare over there in Morocco and you just talk this shit out Either with the therapist and with the woman that you're with don't fuck this up because it sounds like you got a great one All right, so there you go. All right, that's the podcast everybody Um Oh, billy fucking twinkle toes is going to go work out now

Keep it going I'm here in new york city You know, I'm going to be doing this 9 11 benefits. So I'm going to be uh fucking out and about walking around. Hopefully right Trying to uh, you know burn off the calories Maybe I'll go to a gym, you know, but then they always want can I see your driver's license? It's like can you how about I just give you my fucking credit card? Then you give them the driver's license and then they're putting it in the computer. It's like, what are you doing? You're not the government. Oh, we don't do anything with this. No, sir

You don't do anything with this Then it goes into the computer. Then where does it go? You can't so I think I'm just gonna uh I don't know walk to the comedy clubs. I have no idea what I'm gonna do here But I'm going to stay away from the bagels and the creep cheese. I'm going to stay away from the pizza I'm going to stay away from all of that shit because uh I actually got a fucking steak and cheese I got a great one. I got a joe Bartnick suggested when we were on our way up to uh

Bethlehem, Pennsylvania we went through uh The great city of philadelphia That for some reason does not get the good planes when you fly to it Uh, I took a picture was tony something Not tony o's what the fuck was it tony ells The hell was it Come on. Come on tony luke's

tony luke's a great Great goddamn cheese steak. I ate that thing man. I wasn't hungry for the rest of the afternoon Into the evening. I didn't eat two shows last night in Bethlehem, which by the way, what an amazing city that is Just fucking beautiful. I mean pennsylvania is so underrated how beautiful state is all the trees and the rivers and all that type of stuff Granted you pull in and there's a fucking steel mill about ready to fall down. I'm sure you know that they you know, it definitely looked like, uh You know, I was joking with them that they they probably filmed a couple episodes of the first 48 there But you can see the bones the bones. They got a good structure there. It is a beautiful town. So, um I've always loved those old

You know rust belt type of towns and watching them all slowly coming back first Pittsburgh cleveland, uh Detroit was even coming around. I don't know where they're at now with this stupid pandemic shit But hopefully they're coming around too Buffalo is another one that I love I love all of that shit. Um, all right. So anyways, that is the podcast for this week. Go fuck yourselves NFL Football kicks off this thursday

I guess is it it's tamper verse dallas tom brady going for ring number Eight Which would tie him with bill bellichick. Don't ever forget. He has two as a defensive coordinator when he was with the g man Um, all right, that's it. Everybody go fuck yourselves and I'll check in on you on thursday You