Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 9-7-15

Episode Date: September 8, 2015

Bill rambles about baby bumps, smoking ribs and Kermit the Frog.

Hey, what's going on, it's Bill Burr. And it's time for the Monday Morning Podcast from Monday, September 7th, 2015, what's going on, how are you? What's going on? I'm a little bit late, but you know, you don't have to work today, right? If you're in the United States of America, well, we work so goddamn hard every year. One day a year, they go, you know what, today's Labor Day. That's all we get.

All we get, we get one day a year. You know, unlike you European cunts, Jesus Christ, you even talk about having a baby. They give some broad like fucking nine weeks off. Right. Just come back whenever you feel like it, you know, it was like 12 different accents. That was all of Western Europe. That's what I was just doing. I know in Eastern Europe, they got women chopping wood until they're like fucking nine months

pregnant. You know what I mean? So they have a little baby Igor out there in fucking Transylvania, you know, kids learning how to pickpocket by the time he fucking gets off the teat, right? Labor Day. Yes. Once a year in the United States, oh United States, you get one day off a year, then we take your benefits and move the company to Mexico, then exploit those people, then they

fuck and hate us and Republicans hate them too. Sorry. All right. Let's just plow ahead here. So I am in the process right now of using the big green egg for the first time attempting to smoke something on my own. I got some baby back, baby back. No, I don't.

I have spare ribs. I got some spare ribs. Nia made a quick rub. I trimmed them up and that type of thing. And I did another shot at the, the key lime pie that I fucked up the first time because when I was trying to do the, the rind, I went into the white and I made it all fucking bitter. So those key limes, man, they're fucking yellow.

So it's hard when you're taking the zest off to see, you know, yellow, white, you know, you get an old guy like me. I mean, that's not exactly the easiest fucking thing to see. It's not easy to see. So I gotta tell you, so far I'm really enjoying smoking. It's fucking cool. You just kind of, once you get your temperature where it needs to be, you throw the fucking things on there, then you just leave, come back like, I don't know, I think like two and

a half, three hours later, they're supposed to be done, but I'm going to go down there and pull a little miller into my fucking, my little tray there that's catching the droppings. I'm going to throw a beer in there. There's fucking milk. I got like these three frosty Miller highlights that's just been staring at me. They were left over from my fourth of July party. And as most of you guys who listen every week and listen to me whining about my, you know, boozing, I stopped on July 5th.

So they've just been sitting there. So I'm finally going to take one out, going to crack it open, but I'm dumping it into the, into the little, whatever the fucking catch tray there, whatever the fuck you call it. I don't know. I've already fucked up like 19 things on this. I don't know if they're going to taste good or not, but I can tell you right now, it is definitely smoking downstairs.

I just looked to watch some YouTube videos. I don't know if I'm doing it right. I'm right about 200 and I want to say what the temperature is because I really want to hear 5,000 fucking people on Twitter going, ooh, 200, I don't know, dude. That's a little too high. I actually think it's a little too low. I find if you're smoking at 209.7 degrees, it's a whole fucking, it's like, if you, if you think the fucking people at Comic Con are out of their fucking mind with their, with

their trekking ears, talk about smoking shit. People go out of their fucking, they, they, everybody's got a fucking system. That's kind of what it makes, makes it fun. But when you're first starting, it, it's really confusing. Everybody's okay. What you want to do is take a little French mustard, you know, and you're not going to taste, you're not going to taste the mustard. You're not going to taste it.

What you're merely doing is using this as an adhesive to the meat. You just need something to hold the rub, right? The fucking guy puts it on. You watch the next video. The guy puts the rub on first and then he, then he puts on the mustard. I like to brush it in. A lot of guys like to put the mustard on first. I don't like to do that.

What I like to do is I just take, I just take the rub and I just fucking put it on and I put the mustard on and I fucking brush it in. And you watch enough of them and you're just like, you know what, none of these guys are on the food network. Are they? These are just a bunch of cunts in the backyard like me. I'm going to take a little bit from this guy. I don't like this guy's face.

So fuck him. And that guy looks like he did a nice brisket. Take a little bit from each one of them. We'll see what's going on. But I'm actually, I'm really excited that it's, I gotta tell you, with the rub on them, they look phenomenal. They, they have the potential to be amazing. I'm figuring they're going to be okay.

They're not going to be great. They're going to be okay. But you know, you have to start somewhere and you don't give yourself a chance. Um, anyways, so how great was that college football this weekend? You know, I watched a couple of, I taped like three games. I watched the beginning of Auburn, um, and then I had to go to a cookout, uh, somebody else was having. Oh, it was a rough weekend, you know, um, speaking of, uh, I'll tell you about my, uh,

my weigh in this week, I'm going to put it off as long as I can. You know what I mean? I took a big fucking loss this week. Uh, anyways, so I went to a cookout so I didn't get to watch that game. When I was at the game, I mean at the cookout, I taped Notre Dame, which I watched last night and, um, they look really, really good. Really good. Um, I don't know if Texas had a problem with their offensive line or what, but I felt bad

for, uh, for Texas quarterback because I know people down there in Austin were already jumping all over his ass last year and, uh, the fucking guy had like 0.5 seconds. You know what I mean? To make a decision before these guys were in the fucking backfield, but, uh, I got to tell you Notre Dame, it's great to see him good again. It was actually, Lou Holtz has been gone long enough and there's not a lot of talk about steroids that, uh, kind of brought me back to when I, I told you guys before I was a Notre Dame fan when I was really young and, um, then they just got so holier than now.

And then I was also questioning my own faith, the whole Catholic religion and all that shit and then all the molestation cases, you know, you combine all of that, then you got Lou Holtz. You call your parents and you just say, Jesus, thank you for life. You know, all of that shit, whatever the fuck, hey, Mr. Dunny, he, um, he fucking, he drove me nuts. He drove me away from that school and, uh, you know, the second somebody just says that they're doing life better than you, it's impossible as a human being to not want to see them fail

miserably. Um, I didn't want to see them become a complete non-factor, uh, like they have been for so long. So it was, it's great to see him good again. Uh, it's great that I don't have to listen to fucking Lou Holtz give a half time speech that sounds like a bedtime story and during a Christmas special, I'm glad that's over. I don't know what's going on with Royds, but nobody's really saying anything, but, um, I don't know.

I enjoyed the game despite the fact it was really lopsided. And then there was some kid on, on Texas's defense that took a couple of, of, uh, dumb penalties where unnecessary roughness, roughness, and they said that he had a mean streak in his game. So immediately I liked them. They didn't say he was dirty. They just say he had a mean streak in his game. And of course I'm immediately thinking like Ronnie lot or just some, like maybe this guy's

going to be the guy. And if I was Verzi right then and there, I'd be like, dude, I'm telling you right now, that guy is going to be, I'm telling you, I got this sense. He's going to be a first ball to Hall of Famer. And then I'd say it about nine other players during the game and I call all of them. You know what I mean? Like that guy goes up to the roulette wheel and puts a chip on every single fucking number and in the end he's like, he doesn't do the total math to see that he actually lost.

Why would I be making fun of my good friend Paul Verzi on labor day? Why would I do that? Um, so anyways, I'll let you guys know how that should, how that shit turns out. Eight minutes in. All right. I am fucking nine minutes away before I go downstairs and I pour the fucking Miller. Oh, that's going to be tough, man. And that Miller, I'm not fucking putting it up to my lips.

Oh, I am 64 days in today, people, 64 miserable motherfucking days in of being sober. And I got to be honest with you, I, you know, I liked the way I look in the morning, but in the late at night, dude, I swear to God, I need a couple to the fucking head or I am not a pleasant person to live with. I mean, what does that say about? Does that mean I was a complete fucking asshole for the first 17 years of my life until I, uh, was I like a grumpy kid? Cause I didn't have a couple of pops before I got my play pen.

I don't know. I just think, I don't know. Maybe that's just how I'm wired just every once in a while. You know, I got to do some damage and I haven't been my, my big vice now is like once every 10 to 14 days as I'll sit down with a friend and I'll smoke a cigar. I'm bound to like two a month. I'm not drinking. I don't do any other drugs.

I mean, I am just a, I, this is a formula for being a miserable, if you do all of this shit and you don't go to church, that's the big thing. When you start living like a pretty much straight edge fucking life, you have to, yeah, I think you got to go to church and you got to listen to some cunt out there, just saying that there's something after this and that you're going to get rewarded for living this Flanders existence that I've been doing. Um, you need somebody, even if they just fucking lying, even if they're just making it up, you got to hear that fucking lie.

Just to recharge your batteries, just so you can go another six days again before this cunt comes back out and tells you the same fucking lies again. But I'll tell you, if you're doing it the way I'm doing it, if you're going to be fucking stone sober and you're not going to go to church or an AA meeting like, yeah, you know, I'm fucked up too. Hey, my name's, uh, my name's Jeffrey and I'm an alcoholic, you know, uh, what drinking story am I going to tell this week? I remember one time I was cutting this head of lettuce and it turned out to be, uh, my

uncle's head, you know, he had, he had a bit of a sort of kinky hair. So you know, and he was a punk rocker. So it was a weird color anyways, and I thought it was cabbage and it turned out it was head and, uh, it was his head and I spent six years in jail and you know what? You know what? All I was thinking the whole time I was in there, I needed a drink, you know, I still needed a drink. You guys ever go to an AA meeting, I don't give a fuck what these people are talking

about. I got picked up by a flying saucer, it always comes back to that, right? And they, they were sticking this rod up my ass and all I was thinking was, you know, the second this is over, I'm going to go get a 12 pack. And it made no sense. I mean, my ass was bleeding. I fell out of a flying saucer into a pine tree. I'm all scratched up and you know, part of the Krypton is still in my ass and what I'm

walking down this, I got one shoe on and I go in there and I mean, I'm standing in line with this 12 pack of Keystone light. I already have one of them open and all I was thinking was I got to get another 12 pack. And someone's like, you know, you got something hanging out of your ass and it's, you know, there's blood and stuff. And I was just like, Hey, you got five bucks. So I can get another 12 pack. Anyway, so I don't know what I'm going to do next week.

So now what I've done is the same way I'm smoking, I'm going to try to start drinking that way. So I have, I have a tour that I'm doing with Paul Verzi through Texas and into Toronto. And I already told them we're drinking the first night and we're drinking the last night. And then that's it. And then I'm going to go see AC DC at the Dodgers at Dodger Stadium when I get back to LA. So me, what am I going to do there? Right. I'm going to go a little blonde Scott, you know, but a little blonde Scott that night,

except I won't fucking fall asleep in the fucking taxi on the way home, hopefully. And then I'm going to go to a Notre Dame game in October. So probably booze there. It won't be bad. I just don't want to, you know, I just worked really hard to get fucking in shape. And I don't, I really don't feel like giving it all back in three days because I'm at that fucking cunt of an age workout for two months straight. You know what I mean? A couple pieces of fucking whatever the fuck I got in there.

Key line pie. And then it just, he all fucking hanging off of my face. Hey, give Verzi some words of encouragement, by the way. He was talking to me today about trying to lose weight and he's just like, dude, I just can't fucking get it off the front of my stomach. And I was trying to tell him, I was trying to tell him, I do. That's the first place you put it on. It's the last place you take it off.

And what's so fucking discouraging is when you start dieting is that's the first place you want it to leave. Well, it comes off your face first. I think back of your arms, you know, your feet, all bunch of shit nobody cares about. Well, I guess your face they care about, but, um, it goes in like reverse order. You know what I mean? If you get so fucking fat that your body's just like, where now, where in that ear lobes, ear lobes, right? And then you start to turn it around.

The first thing that's going to get skinny is your ear lobes and you got a long fucking checklist before you get to the, the front of your stomach. Like right now the sides of my stomach look great, you know, but the front of my stomach, I look like I had a baby like fucking three days ago. I would, I would describe my gut right now is adorable. Like if I showed up at a brunch with a tight shirt with spaghetti straps, all the women there would be like, Oh, look at you. They took both of my hands. You know, that thing women do where they grab the other

person's hand, they both do the lobster claw hands. One goes like, like straight in, right? With fingers pointing to the floor and the others is, is perpendicular to that. And then she grabs her hands that are right in front of her. And then she holds them out to the side so they could look at her. Look at you. You're showing. Oh, did you just have a brisket? Um, that's where I'm at in my fucking fatness right now. So, uh, so I took a loss this week, everybody. I'm ashamed of myself, man.

I fucking, you know what happened was that day I, I skipped rope. I skipped rope for fucking six rounds and I was totally dehydrated. I didn't get enough fluids in me and what ended up, I didn't get sick as far as like I didn't feel good. Um, I don't want to get gross here, but let's just say the tracks were open, but the train never came. If you know what I mean, and I was standing on the platform, looking down, waiting for it to come out of the tunnel. It never did. Never fucking did. You know,

so after like three, four days, I'm like, what the fuck is going on here? So then I had to go down to the old fucking pharmacy, right? And I had to go into the, uh, you know, I appear to look okay, but evidently, uh, the old shit train ain't coming. So I, you know, I bought a bunch of shit and I started slamming waters. And then of course, you know, you fuck it over, do it. And then it just becomes the other thing. You know what I mean? It's just, uh, I don't, I don't want to, you know, turkey shit through a tin horn.

Cause I believe how my dad used to say it. And, uh, now, now I'm back now. But I mean that fucked me up for about two, three days. And, uh, so I didn't even get on the scale today. I know I'm like, I'm like a buck 68, 169 and I was supposed to be 162 this week. So I got down to 165 last week. And, uh, then I just went back up and, uh, so now this is what the, what I usually do. Okay. I didn't hit my goal, but I got down to good enough where people are saying I look good. And this is what I usually do. Then I go, okay, I'm good now.

Now I can have a burger. And all I'm doing is it's like I'm a fucking addict and I'm going, oh, now I can smoke crack again. Like I'm not going to end up shivering in a fucking empty house again. Right. Freaking people out as they walk by stealing aluminum siding off of somebody's garage. You do the same thing with food. So what I'm going to try to do this time is not fuck this up. Mitchell.

You guys ever see three o'clock high? One of the most underrated fucking shows of all time. Sorry, Cleo. Did I just scare you? Come here, buddy. Come here, buddy. This dog doesn't even listen to me anymore. It's like my wife. Hey, hey, excuse me. Excuse me. It just keeps fucking walking. I don't hear you. So anyways, so now I think I'm about a buck 68. So, and I'm going back out on the road. So I really got to be good about this. So I'm going to try to, uh, I don't know if I can maintain or lose a couple of

pounds a week right up until Madison square garden and come in, tip in the scales at 165 or under, I will be happy. And then once I get through that gig, I'm going to be home for a little while and then I can think I can resume the psycho weeding and working out and try to get back down to 162. However, my big deal is right now, I do not want to give all of this back because I busted my freckled, pasty, flat fucking ass to get where I'm at right now. And, um,

you know what 64 days, 64 days are not drinking and fucking eating right. And at my age, 47 years of age, I can fucking, I could put on 20 pounds in like I swear 10 days. Nah, not 10 days, but I could be a fat fuck again in 10 days. 64 days of fucking being a maniac, eating celery sticks and peanut butter at fucking nine at night. And then that's it. That's my last snack of the day.

64 days of that fucking shit, couple of ice cream sandwiches and a hero with some chips and a soda. Forget it. Oh, Billy fat cheeks is coming again, looking like I should be standing in the background. One of those fucking chipmunk records, right? It's fucking disgusting. All right. Hang on a second. I got to go downstairs and pour a fucking miller under those ribs, which is really not going to be helping my diet. Is it? Oh, fuck you. Hang on. All right. I'm back. I'm back.

I don't know if I already fucked the things up. The temperature is holding, but the smoke has kind of died down to like nothing. But I think somebody in one of the nine million videos I watched said it was going to go down to nothing. Who gives a fuck? Whatever. I'm up to bat. I'm taking a swing. See what happens. Um, whatever. The worst case scenario is they'll taste a little smoky and they'll be cooked. Right? Oh, fuck you. What do you want from me? You know, I don't know what I'm doing. All right. Let's read.

Let's read a little bit of bullshit here for the fucking week. We only got one read this week. Where did everybody go? I mean, Jesus Christ, nobody can take a fucking joke anymore. I'll tell you, you can't take a joke. Everybody. Ah, but I'll boo boo me on D's me on D's. No more smoky balls, but do do do me on D's me on D's dip him in some mustard, rub some rub on your fucking nuts, pour a high life under them. Oh yeah. Your balls will be dry when you put on me on D's and

have a hooker lick them off. That's gross. They even make them for the chicks. Nice twat. All right. Me on D's everybody. Uh, we all know how sexy confidence can be. I know I find that attractive and that confidence comes from being comfortable and having nuts drier than some talcum powder. I don't know. But how can you feel great if your underwear is wrinkling and riding up your balls of fucking sweating? Right? You sit there trying to ring them out by crossing your legs like those chicks in

the photos of the red carpet. You know, they put the one leg behind the other just ringing out your nuts, hoping your socks absorb it. Jesus is that gross. Me on D's gets it though. And that's why they've created the world's most comfortable underwear for a daily dose of confidence. God damn it. My balls feel good. You're, you wear underwear every day. That's 365 days a year. Rain or shine. You need it to be extraordinary without an insane price tag. Me on D's understands this and that's why they've created the world's most

comfortable underwear luxury at half the retail price you'd find anywhere else. Your balls will be as dry as anybody in the Bilderberg group. When you look good, you feel great. It's a cliche because it's true. Me on D's understands this and that's why they've designed underwear that makes you look and feel fantastic. What do you mean? Walking around in your underwear? I guess when you're, uh, okay, it's pronounced mode, modal, modal. Dude, they fucking, you know, cause I can't pronounce this modal thing. You're supposed to, you don't write it all in lower case left.

They wrote MOH dash DAL. How about you write one of them bigger or that accent? So is it modal or modal? Me on D's is made from modal, a fabric that's twice as soft as cotton. That's twice as soft as whatever underwear you're wearing right now, unless you got on a pair of me on D's, me on D's has tons of colors and styles and the only place to get matching pairs from men and women. They even release a new design every month. Those poor children. I feel fill in the blank design black stripe that what I wear. Oh,

I wear, uh, you, you guys, I wear the ones you sent me. The ones that aren't really pink, but they're not really red. Those ones are really comfortable. Although I got to say, they're so snug. It really accentuated my back fat. You know what I mean? I had a little bit of a muffin top, but that's good. I was good for my weight loss. I was like, I want to put on a pair of me on D's and actually look good and not be reminded that I could take a liver punch to the kidney without even feeling

it. Uh, plus we all know that paying for shipping sucks, man. So me on D's has removed that from the equation. All orders in the U S and Canada ship for free. Me on D's even has a money back guarantee. If you don't love your first pair, you get to keep it for free. You love, you literally have nothing to lose to sweeten the deal. God knows everybody loves a little sugar in their panties. The deal me on D's is offering you is 20% off your first order

at me on D's.com slash beer bill slash burr. Sorry. Beer. Oh, beer. Oh, beer. Don't stop beer me on D's.com slash burr. Sorry. That's a special offer just for my listeners. Make sure you go to me on D's.com slash burr. That's me on D's.com slash burr to get 20% off your first order. And so that they know that we sent you. Did you go? Who sent you? Oh, he's such a good shit. Oh, that's great. Isn't that wonderful? Um, all right, let's get back to the, uh, the podcast.

Some of the shit I wanted to talk to this about this week. Um, all right. So those of you who have listened to, uh, any of my standup specials or just listen, we talked to my dog, Cleo, maybe you listen to this every once in a while, or maybe you know a friend who knows a friend that has somebody that they don't like that always talks about this podcast. And at some point, they mentioned that, um, that I have a pit bull. I got a blue nose pit bull, right?

She's fucking shredded. I absolutely love her. And she is a maniac. You know, if you walk into the house, you are not going to have any less prejudice against the breed. All right. I don't know what the last people did, but you know, a lot of most pit bulls are cool. You know, if you get them out of the womb, you know, you somehow can turn them around. I'll fucking know. But all I know is everybody's always shitting on pit bulls and saying that they're a problem or everything. But I, you know what breed?

I always have a fucking problem with absolute fucking maniac of a dog. Um, the one that tries to start the most shit when I take my beautiful Cleo on a walk. And it's what's funny about my dog is she fucking ignores all dogs. I don't give a shit how much they're talking. If they're not in her wheelhouse, like, you know, like she doesn't feel threatened. You could be talking all the shit you want. If you're on the other side of a fence and you're a dog like,

fuck you, fuck you, this is my, fuck you. I'm doing all that shit. She doesn't even look at Cajun. She just sort of glance over like, Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Okay. Pretty tough with that fence, but between the two of us, right? She doesn't give a fuck. You know what fucking dog? What breed of dog talks the most shit to my dog is those giant poodles, not the little ones, not the little fragile ones, not those ones. The ones that ride on planes peeking out of that little cashmere bag, looking terrified, you know,

like that fucking dude and running stimpy call the police, you know, not those ones, the big ones, those big ones are then never under control. I, you know, I never even saw a giant poodle before. My first manager in this business, he had one and it was the greatest fucking dog ever could jump a mile in the air, was friendly as shit and I love the breed. He had two. I met him right at the end of one of them's lives. And I remember he said to me like, he called me up, you know,

and he said that his dog died and I said, Oh man, I'm sorry, you know, and like three days later, I could just tell he was in a gloomy mood. And I'm like, what's up? He goes, Oh, you know, it's just my dog, man. I can't believe how, I can't believe how much it fucked me up. I think it was his first dog and I understood it, but I didn't really understand. I understood it cause I had a dog die when I was a kid, but I was a kid, you know, and I was just thinking as an adult, you just kind of pave over your emotions at some point and shit doesn't affect

you. But now that I am a dog owner, I, I, I replay that in my headgun. You know, every once in a while when I'm looking at my dog, how awesome it is and no one, you know, as they say, the one sin that dogs have is they only fucking live, you know, for so far, they die before us. Um, so anyways, so he had this dog. So I was totally sold in the breed. I'm like, wow, man, that's fucking great dog. Active dog. You stick it to Central Park and throw the frisbee or the ball around. It's just a great fucking

dog. But since then, I don't think I've ever met a cool one. They're always like the biggest consever. The other day I'm walking out of my fucking piece of shit house, by the way. I'll talk about that later. I actually was so fucking get another thing fucked up on my house. I literally flipping out in a rage said to Nia, I said, Nia, I swear to God, if I had a gas can in a match, I'd burn this fucking thing down with everything in it. That's the point that I am at in my fucking house. Every mother fucking cock sucking fucking thing in this house either needs to be repaired or was was repaired

and was not repaired. Right. Every fucking thing, dude, I'm talking from the sidewalk. Before you even get into my house, the fucking piece of pipe that goes off the city's water, that thing was a piece of shit. I had that fixed. The people fucked it up. I had to come to have somebody else come back and refix it. The sprinkler system out front. That was fucked up. It was leaking a course right up against the fucking house. That was fucked up. The front gate is fucked up. The fucking driveway gates are fucked up. They're rotten out. I closed it the other day. The handle just came off of it. Literally

Tom Hanks in in in the only thing I haven't had is had an old fashioned bathtub fall through a fucking floor. That's the only thing I haven't had. I'm gonna go through the whole fucking thing. Sprinkler system fucked up. Right. Everything I just said driveway fucked up. There was this little like decorative like arch thing that somebody that originally came with the house and the house had settled for so long. It was like completely twisted. And someday it was gonna collapse down under my Prius and had to take that down had to pay to get that fucking removed. There was no fixing it. It didn't even line up

anymore. Garage is fucked up. Piping going into the garage was fucked up. Cloth wiring galvanized pipe had to fix the roof. The guy fixed the roof's fucked it up. I just redone my off my wife's office because that was fucked up. The water all came down on that had to redo that fucking thing. I actually sound like I'm fucking annoying right there's something that's like a zillion other fucking things. Zillion other fucking things. And then what happens yesterday? Yesterday I'm thinking okay at least I got the downstairs done. I got the downstairs done. The floors, the walls, the piping, the fucking wiring everything

is brand fucking new. I got a nice fucking rug I just put down you know. It acts for the first time in my life. 47 years old I have an adult bedroom. I have an adult size bed. I have a chest of drawers that I have my underwear drawer and sock drawer like a fucking adult. What happens? There's all this lint on the fucking rug. I bring the goddamn vacuum cleaner in there. What this is even with the house this is just technology now. I put the fucking vacuum cleaner on the rug and it looks like it's picking shit up and it isn't. What it's actually doing is fucking up the rug and pulling up more lint and I fucked

the whole rug up and the vacuum cleaner doesn't work. And I was so mad I yanked the fucking plug out of the wall and then just took the head of the plug and threw it as hard as I could like it wasn't still attached to the vacuum cleaner. So of course it went all the way out stopped ricocheted back and hit me on the inside of the leg. And that was it. I was I swear to God if I was standing on top of my house and I had one of those giant military sized gas cans and a fucking man I still wouldn't have burned it down but I would have thought I would have seriously I would have had to set the can down and slowly

fucking backed away from it. That's how fucking pissed I was. I just don't see that I don't know how I'm ever going to get out in front of this fucking thing and I'm certain I'm just thinking I'm starting to understand the other people that lived here where they were just like you know what you know what man if it rain you ain't getting wet as far as I understand this house fucking works. Jimmy's fucked up sewage pipe fucked up gas leak slow gas leak that was fucked up foundation was fucked up the way they put the plumbing in downstairs they put it into dirt down I don't can't even fucking you can't even fathom the only

episodes of this old fucking cunt of a house you could make with this thing it's just unbelievable and I fixed everything first fucking class which means I am I'm not going to make it I'm gonna lose if I ever if I were to sell this thing right now the the fucking money that I would lose would be ridiculous but I'll tell you right now I would sleep soundly knowing that I did the right thing with this house and the next person will be fine that's how fucking weird I am I'd actually feel I didn't feel good that the next fucking person came in here and didn't have to deal with this shit because on my watch

I fixed it right you know isn't that dumb it's the exact opposite attitude you supposed to have that fucking attitude that you have with all these fucking polo shirt wearing cunts that flip houses and take these beautiful old houses and then they go down to fucking Home Depot and they rip out beautiful wood and beautiful fixtures and they replace it with fucking chromed aluminum fucking cunts you know fucking jerk off so it's like somebody buys a classic car and then they order all their shit through fucking you know the magazines I don't want to trash but you know what the fuck they're you know in all the parts

I made in a fucking China you know who we're not even an ally with how well do you think they're gonna be making your fucking side view mirrors you know what I mean do you think you're really getting the good metal they don't give a fuck anyways oh Jesus where did I go do I sound like a guy on Labor Day who's making some ribs and has a nice key lime pie in the refrigerator I don't think I do no I just had a fucking the combination of that not fucking booze Jesus Christ oh my god and then I can't even get I can't even get into the bullshit but like I had do you know that there's some termites that have wings

did you realize that and they can fly from your neighbor's house onto your fucking house did you understand you did you know that I didn't know that guess how I learned that everybody you know these fucking houses they're so god they I love how I'm whispering right now like if my neighbor listened to this you know the person couldn't hear it you know fucking rotted out fence between our goddamn property you know what I mean I don't want to fight just one fucking thing after what do you do you know but I own a house this was killing me for some reason yesterday I went to turn on my laptop and it just won't turn on

anymore which is totally acceptable with laptops name one other thing in your life that you pay 800 to $2,000 depending on how far you and I paid like two grand for mine because because I was so sick of my laptops crapping out every two to three fucking years that I was just like dude give me the most memory I want this thing to be the fastest fucking I want this thing to be like a fucking hot rod and the guys like yeah yeah yeah no more two years later just an absolute fucking hunk of shit you know there's nothing else that's basically the cost of a flat screen TV nowadays 800 to two grand roughly depending on what you

want to buy do you have to buy a new TV every two years you don't it's fucking unreal even people just accept it I don't know maybe I never test for viruses maybe I got a fucking virus God knows God knows what the fuck I got who the fuck knows you know as big a cunt as I am you know I'm sure somebody sent me something who the fuck knows so I got to go buy a new one of those damn things what happened to this podcast everybody I was in a great fucking mood and just kind of went off the rail oh by the way did anybody somebody sent me a link to this radio show all right and being a stand-up comic it takes a lot for me to

be like wow but some fucking guy I don't know if this is like a if it's a joke if it really wasn't Tom Brady's father but somebody on a radio show somehow got in touch with Tom Brady's dad and was trying to get the guy all stirred up it was like I never cringe but I mean I just you know I love old people you know what I mean you know fucking get an old guy go I don't know how old Tom's dad is but if Tom is fucking 38 years old the guy's got to be well into his 60s right what are you doing you don't get that guy all work guy was saying shit like hey look I understand I understand it's your son I understand it's your son you're gonna

defend him it's just like dude do you have any fucking respect whatsoever Jesus Christ how bad do you need ratings that you would go to that and I love an uncomfortable moment but I stopped sure to fucking with old people it was really bad man it's really fucking bad but whatever what are you gonna do I mean I guess Tom Brady's dad didn't have to call in but Jesus if the guy does can you show a little bit of respect some people you know some people just don't have a fucking line you know what I mean they don't give a shit I mean that guy should have ended that interview just walking up to like a three-year-old and

slapping an ice cream cone right out of his hand you know look I respect the fact that people think Tom cheated or they think that he wormed his way out of it I respect that but you don't have to go after his dad do you Jesus Christ fuck you're gonna do and still you know what's funny nobody's going up to Jim Ursa I know I know I'm not gonna get back into it again I know Jim Ursa he's a wonderful man he's a wonderful guy anyways let's just plow ahead here let's get into the the questions for this week that I have to look at on my cell phone because I can't get my for whatever reason I just can't get the goddamn laptop

to turn on all right where am I going here oh by the way thanks everybody came down to the comedy store this weekend man what a fun fucking time I had what a fun to do that club right now the comedy store if you're coming out to LA if you live in LA if you want to see some of the best comics out here do that club is as hot as it ever was other than when it first came out and it first opened and all of those legendary guys were down there speaking of which I saw one of the great documentaries I've ever seen it was on Richard Pryor was based on that book becoming Richard Pryor and they had they had so much

audio that I had never heard before and I was just like you know almost had my nose pressed against the screen fucking watching that thing he's he's just the greatest of all time and even Chappelle in the beginning he's just like he is the greatest end of story period no fucking it's just it he is the greatest of all time and it's not even fucking close and I had never heard this story about he went up at the Hollywood Bowl and it was one of the first gay pride things that had ever happened a gay pride rally like 1977 and he went up there and the way that he got the crowd on his side and then just fucking you know he

admitted to to suck in a dick before right and he talked all of this stuff about it and the crowd was going nuts and then all of a sudden I don't know where he was like you know what the fuck am I doing I'm paraphrasing he's basically what the fuck am I doing here coming down here for you guys for your rights where the fuck were you guys when the Watts riot was going down did any of you guys come down there and try and help me out you know what fuck you right it was classic what the what he did I'm not even doing it justice how he fucking took him down this road and then just came back and then just held a

fucking mirror up to him and of course a lot of there was people there that understood what he was doing and being like you know what he's right you know we have our we have our bullshit too despite the fact that we are in a press group that doesn't mean that we can't be cunts ourselves the guy's making a good point here but most people booed and freaked out and that type of thing and it obviously got brutal reviews from the press that was there but it was it was it was just you got to see it man it was just fucking it was unreal and it reminded me of when I used to watch patrice when patrice didn't like a crowd

and you know some nights he would just go straight at him and just talk about how awful they were and just really get but then other nights he would do that thing where he would just sort of string them along and just subtly all of a sudden just I don't you wouldn't even know like you'd watch him for 20 minutes and you're so enjoying the show when you're talking about comics at that level what happens you stop being a comedian you become like you're just sitting in the audience I said then that tignataro when you know she did that set down there at lago it's the same thing you stop being a comic and you

just an audience member but then what happened is all of a sudden you get zapped back to being a comedian and you start thinking like wait a minute he was way to fuck over here at about eight minutes into his set how the fuck did he go from that to where we're at now in about 12 minutes seamlessly to the point that I who call myself a comedian didn't even fucking notice and I highly recommend watching watching that documentary and I have to tell you I grew up listening to his records and I bought the records just because he looked funny I didn't know who he was and I just you know I was a little kid I didn't have we

have cable you know and in his shit you know wasn't on TV for the most part and when he did go on TV was like late night stuff and I'm you know 70s I was a kid so like late 70s early 80s I started I just you know was getting into standup and I just started buying albums and they were all based on the album cover I didn't know who anybody was and what I always loved about his fucking records was they were so fucking live I know it sounds redundant because anybody who makes a live album it's obviously live but his shit was just there was something about it you you felt like you were like in the the comedy club but I have in my

head on all of his records I have what the comedy club looks like and the people that yell out from the crowd from what their voice sounds through listening to those albums hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of times I was growing up I I got this picture in my head of what all those people look like what the comedy club look like and all of that shit and then what the stories prior was telling I had all of those people's faces like that's how good that guy was it was like I felt like I watched a movie of his act listening to a record you know I don't know probably fucking boring you guys with this shit

but definitely watch that that that documentary if if you get a chance so let's get to some of the questions here for this week let me see a banner week for e-mails all right me undies is this week okay all right Kermit the Frogs new girlfriend all right hey old Billy pasty tits how are you I got pasty pecks now motherfucker you want to make fun of anything you make fun of my baby bumper I'm wearing a sports bra as I go down the fucking street maybe I'll get a couple of freckles on it have you seen this bullshit that these stupid feminists are up in arms about apparently Kermit the Frog a fictional fucking green

puppet broke up with Miss Piggy who was a total cunt to him anyways oh yeah and physically abusive by the way and totally controlling he should have broken up with her back in the 70s if you add okay it's now rumored to be dating a thinner younger looking pig named Denise that's hilarious now these stupid cunt feminists are outraged saying that is Kermit that Kermit is the actual pig and essentially saying he is a douchebag and a shallow prick that couldn't stand to live in the shadow of his more successful girlfriend why is everyone getting offended by this bullshit Billy can you please explain this shit to me

I would venture to guess that there's no fucking adult that is seriously offended by that I don't want to drag all feminists down on this one my wife is a feminist she doesn't give a shit about that but you know it is the internet everybody and you what you have to understand is anybody with a glass of two of red wine in them can get on the internet and write something can just pour out all of their fucking thoughts and what you really have to do is you just when you walk around during your day really experience humanity okay as arrogant as that just sounded I've probably the wrong way to put it but you

know the other day I went to the grocery store and I'm fucking having this lady like scan in my shit and going to put it in the fucking bag and all that shit I have to tell you do I don't when I tell you that she was operating it at like fucking 4% brain capacity I mean I don't know where the fuck she was mentally but she wasn't dumb but she absolutely fucking sucked at her job I actually called vergey today I was like first let me ask you a question did you ever have a job where you just weren't fucking crushing it even if you sucked at it I mean just as far as the effort that you put in and he was laughing you know he's

you know a lot of people work in the grocery store you know they really don't have any other options and blah blah blah blah I was like dude this wasn't like some bipolar person or anything like that somebody who had some sort of mental issue this was a fucking this person was fine they just completely sucked and lacked fucking motivation dude when I was a bus boy and I used to fucking clean the bathrooms and I was working this restaurant I had to wash the dishes all that I fucking crushed it I hated that fucking job I hated what mopping the fucking black and white goddamn floors and then going into the bathroom and

what a fucking shit show that was in the woman's room was even worse I crushed it fucking crushed it hated it I didn't want to do that for a living didn't want to do that for my life but still when I had the job I fucking killed it and people they just they don't fucking do that they sit around and then what ends up happening you say don't give their best effort and that's like a fucking disease and then you just don't give you you just start not giving your best effort that worms into your fucking head and that's just how you live and then what happens is the shit that you want to happen have happened in life

doesn't happen because you don't have a good work ethic because you don't have any fucking pride in what you do I know this is all old-school shit but this is true all right and then what happens is when your shit doesn't come through these types of people sit around and they bitch moan and fucking complain so I would say that anybody who happens to be a feminist who's offended that a fucking puppet dumped a fat puppet to get with a skinnier fucking puppet is probably not happy with the way that they look and is not really doing anything about it huh are they cutting out sugar and salt they're not doing that I bet they

had both of those on their fingertips when they type that horseshit into their fucking laptop that's gonna die within two fucking years you know what I mean so I that is so like childish and I refuse to acknowledge that as all feminists I mean you shouldn't have said stupid cunt feminists well you did add feminists in quotes what you should have said is stupid cunts yeah I mean I don't know why anybody's doing that and and this is the thing too what you know in defense of that when guys you know I really feel if you're with somebody and they put on a bunch of fucking weight and you dump them then I don't know that

you really loved them to begin with so you're in a long run you're still doing them a favor if you fucking leave anyways and who's kidding cool Kermit and and and miss Piggy you know it wasn't working from the get-go and you can tell with Kermit he's not one of those guys that's gonna approach a woman he just doesn't have it in him or maybe he finally grew up and now he kind of he's going after what the fuck he wants right so probably back in the day you know miss Piggy was just controlling fucking woman and no strong frog who was raised right was gonna deal with that shit so she got with this weak dude who

eventually she ended up resenting which is probably why she was hitting him because she probably wanted to see a little bit of fighting him she didn't all right Kermit had such fucking low self-esteem at the time that he stayed with her and who's kidding who you know that miss Piggy is a fucking monster in the rack you know she was fucking his brains out you know she went to town on that frog was the best piece of ass he ever fucking got and out of fear he stayed in that fucking relationship so what is what I say I say congratulations to Kermit the frog for finally getting out of that dysfunctional relationship I

hope he's happy with this new girlfriend I hope miss figgy finds true love somewhere in the puppet world now how ridiculous was did that just sound that I took that seriously that's how dumb feminist someone who happens to be a feminist is when they when they talk about puppets dating one another you know what I mean that's like when when they used to go off on Barbie dolls like what sort of an image to this fucking for blah blah blah I mean it's like how weak are you that you've let a fucking doll decide well how you're gonna live your life I thought that that was more damaging to women than the actual

fucking doll that some fucking woman took a doll seriously you think I could ever measure up to GI Joe goddamn war hero he had fucking abs you know he had that lean but not overly developed body right nice strong jaw his mustache connected to his beard there was a lot of things to try to get the fucking live up I never once looked at fucking GI Joe do you know my mother wouldn't let me play with GI Joe dolls she goes dead dolls they're for girls you're not playing with that and I was so mad at her all my friends at GI Joe dolls and now I think it's the funniest shit ever because you know what in a way she was

right you know he had like a shirt you could take off you dress them in that type of shit and you know maybe that's fine now but back in the day you know as far as what toys were that as far as what was available you had toy guns you had football or basketball and then basically you know fucking I don't candy land yet board games then you had a GI Joe doll and that was it was a fucking doll she was right god damn it she was right I don't know if it made me a better person but she was right she was definitely right all right wedding advice sir William of Burrville I like that one I feel like it just got

knighted I need some advice from you who I will keep it short because you are the Jim Ursay of reading out loud okay you know something when you guys actually take the time to be original and come up with a new way to insult me I it really warms my heart this guy you know you really sir William William of Burrville nobody did that right the Jim Ursay are reading out loud you know what I give this guy two fucking thumbs up or lady or lady all right last week I officiated my friends wedding in Virginia does that mean you were the priest I hereby this person who you got drunk with

and fucking puked on a hooker with pronounced you man and wife my friend was the groom all right we we kind of did it as a goof but I have my minister's license and it all seemed official why the fuck would you ever marry your friend is a goof you said I did a little more research about the marriage laws in Virginia and found out that I should have registered with the court first and gotten permission before doing this the bride and groom never researched this either and either did I therefore I'm not sure that their marriage is official my dilemma do I tell the bride and groom or do I just let them find out on

their own if the marriage ends in a divorce am I doing my friend a huge apps a fucking Lulee that's what I was gonna say am I doing my friend a huge favor here and if it works out there is no harm right thanks for any help but go fuck yourself if there's a divorce you're doing them a favor if there's actually you know you still do my favorite because I would say I know like with gay people one of their big things was benefits and then also at the end of their lives obviously one dies before the other one unless they're involved and then I don't know some car accident some fucking horrific but one dies before

the other one and then the other one was not allowed to visit because only the somebody married could go in there which is so fucking weird to me what does that mean not even a friend can go in there it's so fucking stupid but evidently that's the law so I mean there is that but I think the chances of a divorce or what I would do it I wouldn't say a fucking word that ain't on you that's not on you man it's like listen if somebody's getting married and they want to hire some guy that they booze with to get him married then they need to go out and cross all the tees and dot all the eyes that's not on you don't

fucking do that you know and don't get drunk one night and have a fight with them and then fucking bring it up like some scorned woman yeah well fuck you don't do that don't ever do I wouldn't say shit I wouldn't say shit plus it's Virginia you know what I mean some of the shit that goes on in the Appalachian mountains I think they'll I don't even think it's gonna fucking matter it's Virginia who gives a fuck right all right chugging right along here oh by the way if you ever want to contribute to the the Monday morning podcast and you don't want to spend any money just the next time you're gonna buy something on

Amazon go to go to billbird.com first and click on the podcast page and click on the link to Amazon just takes you there and I get credit for driving traffic and they kick me a little dough doesn't cost you any extra money and then I take 10% of that which I actually I owe St. Jude's I give it to St. Jude's because they seem reputable and after reading Andre Agassi's book open I'm gonna call up that school and see how I can donate money to that school because you know I went to their website and really checked it out and he's doing some he's doing what people should be doing that Andre Agassi you know what I

mean everybody sits in bitch moans and complains and what do they do they try to you know bitch about Republicans or Democrats and they try to get like you know political people to do what the fuck you know what citizens should be doing it just you know what I mean if however you can do it if you just help like one person if you can fucking do that as corny as that sounds that that's gonna be way better than who the fuck you vote for next year as a president I think if you don't believe me go to that to go to that website check out Andre Agassi school in the month if the level of effect this guy's having and

everybody who works there and all these kids lives I mean you're talking about like when those kids go out they get you know get married and they have kids and their kids have kids you know and all of that expands that family tree and that is built on that kind of a foundation is fucking amazing like that guy he's literally gonna be affecting people's lives in a positive way before long after we're even here man that's that's pretty that's pretty cool if you ask me anyways explain American football rules for me all right love the podcast I am an Australian who likes sports and we're hearing a lot about an Australian

called Hain trying out for the 49ers isn't he a kicker or something like that oh no that was a game that I watched I watched so uh who was it oh no to dame no no no to dame had a Korean kicker the kicker for Texas I think fuck I watch so much football I can't remember one of them's Australian I thought it was cool with one of his first punts he was sort of like running like you do in Australian rules football then fucking kicked in a mile anyways love the podcast I'm an Australian who likes sport and we're hearing a lot about an Australian called Hain trying out for the 49ers problem is out here we know nothing about the

rules of your football not even in the simplest form except they have to get a touchdown I've tried to watch ESPN and pick it up but I'm fucked but I'm fuck I'm fucked if I get it and I'm not a fucking idiot could you explain the basic rules to us Australians of who there are many listeners of the Monday morning podcast and if you don't then go fuck yourself all right I will do my best and you know what I'm gonna take this seriously and I'm gonna go over and get myself a little drink of water here take a nice little sippy poo here before I fucking before I explain it here all right so here's the deal all right how

you score points is basically you can either run the ball okay well how do we Jesus Christ I watch this all the time let me explain all right so you got a few got the football field all right it's a hundred yards a meters a little bit more than a yard right so it's basically yeah like you know whatever 300 what is it 300 yards meters more than a fucking yard so one meter divided by three I know it's a hundred something fucking meters right that's how long it is and on either side you have the end zone all right and when you get the ball okay you're trying to drive all the way down the field they kick the

ball off to you you get the ball all right you run with the ball they tackle you okay or you run it all the way I fuck that they tackle you this is really difficult they tackle you okay and then the offense comes out all right now the team with the ball is on offense the team and without the ball is on defense okay which I'm sure you understand so now basically you have four plays which are called downs to move the ball ten yards if you move the ball ten yards you get another four plays ten yards you move a ten yards that's called getting a first down right you have first down second down third down fourth down all

right so let's say on the first fucking play okay it's first and ten that means it's first down you got ten yards to go you advance the ball three yards it's then second down and seven meaning second down seven yards so you got three plays to move the ball seven yards all right the next play you get eight yards so then that's called you got a first down you because you know you got what you got three yards in the first play you got eight yards on the second play that's 11 and two plays you went 11 yards so you get a first down now you start all over again say the ball went from the 30 to the 41 now you're on the

41 yard line you got advanced at 10 yards which would bring you to the other teams 49 which sounds fucked up but the way they do it this is so confusing even to me it goes 10 10 yard line 20 yard line 30 yard line 40 yard line 50 yard line then 40 30 20 10 goal line right so whatever you fucking can't believe I can't explain this if you don't make it ten yards after three fucking plays okay now you made the first down let's say now you got another four plays they fucking stop you right the first play you go to run the ball you not only do not gain any yards you lose two yards so you went from first and 10 now it's second

and 12 you guys still move the ball now you're gonna move it 12 yards to get to that 10 yards the next play you only get four yards so now it's third down and eight then you get two yards whatever it's it's fourth and six usually at that point what ends up happening is the other team kicks the ball away because what happens is is if you if on the next play you don't advance at six yards to get a first down the other team takes the ball over where you're at so you have the option of either going forward on fourth down or kicking the ball away and usually what they do is they kick the ball away because you'd rather kick

the ball like fucking 60 yards then lose it near your own goal line right I hope that fucking makes sense it doesn't even make sense to me alright now as far as points if you run the ball in or somebody passes it to you and you catch it in the end zone or someone passes it to you and you catch it you run the ball in you get six points then afterwards they got to kick the ball through the uprights the goal the looks like the what you guys have accepted shape a little bit different you kick it through there you get one point after a touchdown now if you get down towards the goal line and you're in a fourth down situation and

you don't think you're gonna make a first down or you're gonna score a touchdown you have the option of either punting the ball away or trying to kick a field goal if you kick a field goal it goes through the uprights like the way you guys do that's three points all right now as much as you are these are laughing at me right now because I explained it in a confusing way I want you guys to explain your game back to me write it out and then I'll try and read it so that's basically it one team kicks off to the other team they catch the ball all right then the other you know the team that kicks off they're

defending their touchdown they don't want you to get it down to the end zone the touchdown the end zone same fucking thing right as you move down the field you got to advance the ball ten yards within four plays if you don't do that you either kick the ball away or you turn it over on downs because you went forward on fourth down and they stopped you that's basically it and then when you get down there if you run it in or you catch it and run it in you get six points little dink kick it again you get the you get one point or you can try to just kick it without getting a touchdown and that's three points that's as

simple as I could fucking make it all right then other than that you just got to fucking watch it Jesus that's that's why I sucked in school something that I've watched a million hours of I can't even fucking explain all right Bill am I a sexist asshole Billy one-man wagon train at the risk of alienated all the female listeners again I wanted to follow up on last week's discussion on how the leagues and networks are going out of their way to cater to females what what's really chapping my ass over there is this new thing of putting the ladies in the broadcast booth to call the games ESPN started doing it with the

NBA a couple years ago and now they're starting to do it with baseball I can almost barely tolerate it if they're just going to do play-by-play but when they start trying to analyze the game or comment on something that happened I'm sorry but they really don't have any credibility or experience to draw upon they had a female in the broadcast booth during Jake Arietta say his name no hitter the other week and she gave really insightful commentary like ooh that ball is really moving around and he really looks intense out there seriously what the hell do they know about how tough it is in the trenches of a

football game and what it's like to bang around with Shaq in the post or to get your ass dunked on even just how to throw a lousy curveball so does that make me a sexist asshole if I just want to hear men call men sports and leave the ladies on the sideline where they belong thanks to go fuck yourself well yeah I think you have some points in there but when you say leave them on the sideline where they belong yeah that that's obviously you know who you to say where they belong I would I would say this I first of all I don't think that the NFL is getting women involved in their league because they give a shit about

women they don't they're doing it because they're trying to appeal to women because they want their money that's it that's why they have a female ref that's why they have a female coach not because they give a shit remember last year when Ray Rice did what he did that first suspension is how much they give a shit that second one was when they got caught with their pants down and now they've been in damage control so I don't give a fuck who calls the game as long as they're good at it there's a lot of guys that do it who suck at it so that's how I look at it I understand too that if you're a guy and you're watching a man

sport you want men to call the sport I don't think there's anything wrong with that just saying that but to say that you know they don't have any experience I mean women play sports too I mean do you think Rhonda Rousey should be allowed to talk you know if she was after she retires don't you think that she would have some insight you know what I mean I mean there's a lot of fucking guys that call games that just went to broadcasting school and they were probably dead last I mean come on look at Brent Musburger give me a fucking break right maybe he's played back in the day you know when you could be a five foot fucking

seven hundred thirty pound cornerback you know I don't fucking know but there's this you know there's a lot of you know basically with when it comes to men calling the games you either have the ex-player or you have the you have two types of broadcasters guys that went as far as they couldn't sport and then turned to commentating and and then you have guys who just fucking love sports but couldn't throw a ball in the ocean you know what I mean that's they couldn't hit the ocean throwing and standing on the fucking on the beach however that fucking goes and they're still allowed to call the game and they actually do a

great job at it so I think women should get the same chance but I you know as far as that goes but I you know I would like I like hearing guys calling guys sports and I think that they should they like the WNBA women's volleyball what I think women should really do if they really want powers they should create their own sport leagues and that's fucking just that's really like ripe for the taking and I don't know why they don't do it like what was stopping a woman from starting a woman's pride or UFC and at the very least getting bought out by Dana White and maybe being brought in to the UFC or what was stopping

women from starting the WNBA or like a professional women's softball league there's nothing stopping them from doing it I don't know why they don't do it because there's all this like things with feminism where they're you know tooting their horn and shit about advancements that they're making and all I really see them doing is still working for men and what's really freedom and power is working for yourself create something on your own that builds equity that other people want to be in business with but you created it and you have a position of power this is man male or female now they have to come to you

and you know build it and they will come I mean and you know some of them most successful people that have built stuff have gone bankrupt a number of times so I don't know I'm kind of talking about two things here I don't give a fuck like I don't give a shit what women do if they're gonna be involved in NFL football just be good at it just be good at it and don't be a fucking baby if you get fired you know or somebody says something crazy in the locker room just don't fucking be like oh everybody you know has to adjust to me and I don't have to adjust to you at all just don't be a douche like that as long as you don't do

that I don't give a fuck you know what I mean I'm willing to give it a shot I think I'm just used to listen to men doing it I mean geez look what's his face who's done it for the Dodgers Vince Scully all those years I mean that guy doesn't look that athletic does he I don't think did he ever play he was just a guy that loved fucking sports and he's he's phenomenal at it so there's gotta be the female version of that and some other women should be decent enough to create a fucking league that they they should turn into a billion dollar thing and then women should fucking watch that right support other

women to me that would be way more empowering than you know having somebody be you know I'm not shitting on the jobs that they've got but I'm just saying it just seems like the end of the day you're still working for a guy you know so I'm getting fucking sense out of fucking no anyways let's let's plot had great questions by the way but I also understand to his Archie bunker like out Jesus Christ can you just have a guy called a fucking game there isn't necessarily something wrong with that I mean it has to be a little bit of push back from guys where it's just like hey you know it's it's kind of okay if you're

a if you're a woman and you want to go someplace that's only for women it's kind of okay gyms and groups or whatever it's kind of okay but with guys it's always like sex it's like it's a very healthy thing for guys to just kind of be with guys for a while and then go back to women absence makes the hard fonder you know I don't know that you guys have to fucking always get all up and everything that men are doing and if guys want to have you know a place where they just don't want women to go especially at this point I mean it's it's you're acting like it's still like 1906 I understand I understand both

sides so I understand women's side I like to think I do and then on the male side you know you got to have a little bit of hey why don't you fuck off for a couple two three hours and let me watch this game you know what I mean and watching football with your guy friends has always been a great thing you know it's a very male thing and it's it's fun and it's healthy so I don't think that it has to necessarily just be considered sexist but you know I haven't said that like the NFL showed their fucking true colors like you know we know with the Ray Rice thing that the first suspension that that's how they feel and I

wouldn't just say that that's about how they feel about women that's just how they feel about human beings they don't give a fuck they're a corporation they're about money you think if you fucking beat the shit out of me in that elevator you probably got three games all right jealous insecure boyfriend dear Bill I have always been a late bloomer but my my first girlfriend was at the age of 19 and the current and second one is at age 21 she's a great gal she's generally intelligent funny skinny and has a great rack probably gonna get shit from the the Miss Piggy crowd problem is she's a she's

a very independent person oh my god dude they should read this at a woman's rally they did his already body issues and control issues and has a lot of male friends and only wants to see me like twice a week even though we live two kilometers away from each other meanwhile I am jealous insecure and have a bit of a history of violence not against women all right dude this is not a good situation right out of the gate but I think it's healthy that you know what your shortcomings are at your young age I fucked up my first relationship I fucked my first relationship up because I beat the ever-living shit out of my at

the time girlfriend's male friend I'm an amateur boxer alright do this well what are you doing he kind of deserved it but I'll admit that I was in the wrong and I really went want to change but problem is I simply can't do it I can trust her saying that she's not attracted to her male friends but I will never ever trust the guys saying that they won't they're not attracted to her what the fuck do I do thanks and as always go fuck yourself all right first of all look dude what you're looking for you want more in this relationship she's not willing to give it to you what you need to do is get out of this

relationship and get with somebody who wants what you want that's it you know to get all mad and beat the shit out of somebody I do respect your attitude of that you trusted that she's not attracted you know but her her male friends yeah yeah they want to fuck her they do you know generally speaking unless they're gay they want to fuck her and that's just how guys are if a woman's hanging around and they know that she has a boyfriend but he's never around to thinking like well obviously there's something fucked up there or if she even laughs at one of their jokes you know there's a lot of guys oh she

laughed at my joke obviously she wants to fuck me that's how guys are wired so I don't think that you're wrong but the devastating recipe here that you're a jealous person that knows how to box and you have a history of violence I would get out and you're not getting what you want out of this I would get out of this immediately I hope you're one of these people that would never hit a woman but I would you know I struggle with my temper big time but you know I just flip out and scream and yell I don't I don't beat the shit out of other people so I would definitely it's good that you want to change I would

actually I would talk to somebody about that dude that's some pretty heavy shit there but I would get out of that relationship I'd get out of it just like I listen this isn't you know I respect that this is what you want but what you want is not what I want and when you're in a relationship with somebody what the other person wants has to be what you want okay because inherently people are selfish it's the same thing when you get into business with somebody when you get into business with somebody what they're looking for has to be what you're looking for or else it's not gonna work because that

person is good is gonna go for what they want you got to want the same fucking things or it doesn't work so and like I said I would talk to somebody about your temper and I would read books on it and do whatever the fuck you need to do take some yoga because you know dude if most people don't know how to box and if you have a temper and somebody steps to you and you got all this anger in you you are a dangerous dangerous person and you sound like you don't want to hurt anybody so hopefully anyways good luck with that and know that you just took advice from a stand-up comedian so I would go with somebody a little more

versed in that world all right Disney World wristbands hey Bill my wife recently booked a family trip to Disney World in October the kids are psyched that's awesome well today a package came in the mail my wife excitedly opened it up and inside was a package with a with four fitbit looking wristbands one for each of us picture attached tap to download cannot download attachment of course she says it's it acts as our ticket to the park hotel room meal plan I replied with yeah in a GPS tracker serving a survey on what we eat what we buy and what rides we like exactly of course she thinks I'm being paranoid but

come on it's a fucking it's fucking Disney for Christ's sake I don't know if I want to bring it up completely refused to wear it or what what you take yeah don't fucking wear it don't wear it our ticket to the park hotel room all right this is what you do this is what you do all right wait a minute wait a fucking minute wait a minute when you get into the fucking park can you then stick that in a bag and then just go rent a locker and leave it in there that's so fucked up if you know what I'm gonna look this shit up if that's what goes on at Disneyland I will never go there again ever that is so fucking annoying and

not to mention dude that's just more fucking cancerous radio radio wave shit being beamed down from from satellite right down to your wrist right past your fucking brain you are 100% in the right what the fuck you know what let me download to see what this fucking thing looks like I have I got my thing in airplane mode here let's see here what do we got hey what do we got here you know I got downloads you are 100 look at this shit and then the second I do it then all these fucking text messages come in and I can't hit the fucking app that I want to I hate these fucking things I absolutely fucking can't stand them how do they make

your life easier explain to me how the fuck did they make your life easier oh and look what happened I don't know how I have no idea how but what a fuck that would have fucked it all the emails go they just fucking disappeared how does that happen the thing that I just had open just fucking disappeared it no longer exists in my email all right now you know what I got to do I got to go up here and look how the fuck does this happen any tech nerds know what just happened I was reading an email I had it open and then I fucking still had it open and then I turned on turned off the airplane uh vibe I fucking

hate these things all right disneyland gps wristband period wrote period uh gps disney's magic bands track you like the nsa well let's let's look at these things all right let's look at these things here oh it's funny you can't even find a picture of them yeah dude I mean obviously it's the uh it's the wait a minute disney is tracking visitors with these wireless wristband I might have to talk about this on thursday I gotta read up on this what the fuck disney is tracking visitors with wireless wristbands called magic band oh that sounds like so much fun magic band okay it won't be called magic band if it does not work like magic for disney the magic band is

linked to the visitors credit cards hey I didn't want to talk to you you cunt get the fuck out of here uh the magic band is linked to the visitors credit card which also will work as your room key parking entry ticket and other identification amenities in fact it allows you to pay for your hotdog from the stands the technology behind it is RFID which is commonly used by mentally wireless devices such as toll row collection services similar public transit the biggest concern is not how to use and activate the wristband itself the worry is on the privacy of the user disney is collecting your information at breeze including your personal information ages purchasing patterns writing time and location in fact those mascots and theme in the theme park

will know your name and are told to greet you that way so do not be surprised if mickey or minnie will call your daughter on her birthday what the next concern is how safe disney will keep this valuable information will disney begin to expand your habits into its video slash dvd distribution event shows and tv advertising schedules disney also has a dedicated website for this purpose called my disney experience yeah that's exactly what they're doing and you know why that that's going to work i go right back to that lady that was fucking scanning my food at the grocery store whose brain was operating on four percent you know what i mean no one's going to fight this but i liked it it was easy who cares if they know what right i was all right it's people

with the calabasas brain yeah it's fucking horrific it's fucking horrific and i guarantee you by the time i'm in my eighties they're going to be microchipping babies right out of the fucking womb um and my generation will be dying off and no matter we'll just sound like crazy old people and that's what it's going to be that's what it's going to be same way the nfl doesn't give a fuck about broads disney doesn't give a shit about your kids other than they just want to get fucking money out of you and uh it'd be nice if there was a little pushback the only pushback i've ever really seen that worked and it only worked temporarily was when i lived in new york city and they had those stupid fucking video screams in the cabs and everybody said we hate them they

make us car sick and the people stabbed them and all that shit and uh they went away and then about three four years later they came back and they were even bigger and then they were here to stay and then all the lazy cunts were oh i like playing with my debit card my credit card i it's so much easier than having cash just giving away all their fucking privacy uh their mouth breathing morons and there's a sea of them um so unless you want to live in the woods that's basically how it is but uh yeah i guess i'm never going there again all right i'll read up on that a little bit more that's it uh that's the podcast for this week happy labor day go fuck yourselves i'll talk to you on thursday