Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 9-8-14

Episode Date: September 8, 2014

Bill rambles about the Toronto Film Festival, NFL pre-game analysis and not letting chaos in your life.

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I told you last week how excited I was about the NFL football season starting. You know? And kind of sucked for me because I missed all of it. Basically, I was flying back from Toronto. I went up there for the Toronto International Film Festival. The International Film Festival held up there in Toronto. Because I got a movie, I don't have a movie, I have a partner movie. Take the ego down a little bit.

Do you really have a movie? What do you have, Bill? Do you have a home movie that you shot about you rubbing your balls in your bed? Alright, relax. I have a part in a movie called Black and White starring Kevin Costner and Octavia Spencer, directed by Mike Binder. I really want to see somebody from Boston talking about this movie when it's coming out. Somebody at a lower level who wasn't taking a speech class. Career speech is what they call it.

You know, when you get into mainstream media. Good evening. Welcome to the Nightly Do's. And you can't tell where the person's from. No accent. So basically everybody can understand you, slash they're not laughing at the way you speak. You know?

I want to see the local person in Boston doing this. New movie coming out, Black and White starring Kevin Costner and Octavia Spencer, directed by Mike Binder. Come on down to MVP sports. We got all the jerseys. We got the shocks, the steelers, the charges and more. Anyways, that's actual copy for a long time ago from an MTV, MVP sports radio spot.

We got the shocks, the steelers, the charges and more. More. Do you really have more? You don't have less? No. We got more. Jaymore. Anyways, yeah, so I was on the plane.

I missed, I missed all the games. I missed all the games. I missed my Patriots getting their asses. Whipped! In the second half, evidently, by the Miami Dolphins. And I want to, I wish I had maybe the NFL Network or Reef Show. So I'm a bit, I want to watch it. I want to see what happened.

I was actually on the plane coming back, flying Air Canada. And I'm thinking, alright, well, let me take you through the whole thing. I flew up, was it Friday night? Me and the lovely Neil, we flew up there for the film festival. And I shot this movie last year. Remember last year when I told you I was in New Orleans? For those of you who were listening last year. You know, we shot this movie and I lucked out because it was hot as bulls.

The level of humidity was something I had never experienced other than when I was in New York City. And I remember a late night standing on a subway platform underground. And basically, I mean, it was already hot as fuck outside and then underground. You're basically with this air that was trapped after the sun had been beating on the asphalt above. Heating up all the air underneath for 24 fucking hours, whatever the hell it was. And it was just standing there like a fucking zombie in the late night. If you never lived, you know, in a city, the trains don't run like every six, seven minutes. If you miss a train, you're going to be there for an ungodly like 20, 25 minutes.

And usually what you're thinking is, is please don't let anybody crawl up from the tracks and, you know, drag, you know, four or five of them. Grab me by the legs and pull me under to their underworld cities and use me as a food source. That's what you're usually worried about or getting stabbed or getting robbed or whatever. On that particular night, none of that entered into my mind. I was just standing there. I remember early on, before I got delusional, I was wondering, hey, what if I, I should probably not stand too close to the track because if I get so dehydrated and passed out and fall onto the tracks, I'm going to get run over. It was just brutal. So what anyways, I had not experienced heat like that. That anyways down in New Orleans, since my days living in New York City. And I really lucked out if you go and see the film, which I hope you do.

It did really well at the festival and I remember I just totally lucked out where all of my scenes were indoors. I only had one scene where I had to get out of a car and just walk up to Kevin's character's house. But other than that, I was inside the whole fucking time. Even when I was outside, I was inside. I was to be sitting in a car and we'd be cranking the AC and then shut it off right before they did the take. I completely fucking lucked out. But anyways, so went up there for the premiere and it was an awesome time. Got to see everybody in the cast. It's an unreal cast. Anthony Mackie's in it. I play a lawyer and I'm representing Kevin Costner and Anthony Mackie represents Octavia Spencer's family.

And you know, it was pretty insane. It was definitely one of those how the hell did I end up here moments? What am I doing here? And how soon am I going to get fired? You know, one of those deals. And fortunately none of that happened and I had a great time. But so anyways, it's been a year since I've seen everybody in the cast or whatever. So we all got to hang out. Got to watch the film in front of a crowd, which is fucking nerve wracking, but fortunately they got on early. They got on the ride early and they just, you know, and went great. It went great. And I had a great time and went to the after parties, did all of that type of stuff, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blue and all that. You know, it's funny when went to the premiere was hilarious was they bring you over there, right?

And it's this huge film festival. I come from the standup world, so I have no idea. So there's all these big time movie actors there. So anyways, when they bring you over to do the red carpet, they drive you over and like, you know, whatever the fuck we were at, we went to a dinner. No, there was an early that's right. There was an early thing you all meet up, then they do the press junk. It's tell us about work day all this movie wasn't excited to work with somebody like this guy, but they do all that shit. And you just put on your happy face. Oh my God, it was amazing. Everybody was so amazing. You just do that shit. You go into that mode, right? So then they bring us over, right? And you're pulling up to the red carpet and there's a fucking probably eight, nine people deep wrapped around this semi circle

where all the cars are pulling up because they want to see all these big time fucking Hollywood stars. So lo and behold, one of the first ones to come down the fucking path was me, right? I wish I don't, I've never done one of those. I wish I fucking videoed the looks on people's faces. The fucking manic look of excitement past were combined with where is the famous guy? So they're looking, looking into the truck and they're like, and they're looking at me and then quickly look as I just, you know, I'm standing there. I'm in a suit. I look like a fucking agent. They don't know who the fuck I am. So the door opens and the crowd's like, as I go to get out and immediately it just fucking, you know, like the beginning of a football game where everybody's going crazy and you get ready for them to kick off

and the kicker starts running at the ball and then the wind blows it off the tee and then the crowd has to die down before they start going, oh, that's basically what it was. Me stepping out of that truck was like the football falling off the tee. And they were looking at Nia like she was in the movie. They thought she was in the movie. They were like, who is that? Is that, you know, fucking, is that Will Smith's wife? Anyways, so then whatever went out and did the red carpet red carpet was the same experience, which was fucking hilarious. Was people talking to me asking me questions as they were looking down the carpet to see, you know, where the real person was that was coming. So I just started making a joke. Everyone I went, whenever they would look, I would be like, yeah, don't worry, Kevin's coming. Kevin's coming. You wrap it up with me. Wrap it up. And they'd be like, oh, no, no, no. It's like, yes, yes, yes, I get it.

Him. You're waiting for him. You're not going to use this. So I had a great time. I was making Nia laugh the whole fucking way down because I just kept addressing that. And it was just, it was a great time. And, you know, the whole thing was, it was interesting going through there. And there's just some of the questions that they would ask who kind of like open ended. They'd be like, you know, you know, this movie deals with race and in the light of the Colin Ferguson. It's like this thing was made a year ago. This was made before then. What do you feel? How do you feel that this movie is going to affect the boo boo boo? What am I a fucking sorcerer? I don't know. I think people are going to think what they think.

All right, Bill, thank you very much. Kevin. So anyways, I got to do all of that shit. And it was definitely a good time. And we saw the movie. The movie did great. And the crowd really seemed to like it, blah, blah, blah, blah. We went to the after party. And that was a really interesting thing too, because I didn't understand what was going on. We went to this party and we're sitting at a table and there was who I thought were these random people at the table. I'm like, who are these fucking people sitting here?

What am I talking about? And it turned out these were the people that put a lot of the money up for the movie. So basically when you guys do your movie, all right, and you go to your premiere and you step out and you get to experience what it feels like to be the human version of a football falling off a tee. Afterwards, I guess the next party you go to is people that put up, you know, I know Kevin put up a bunch of money for the movie. And then there was like, I don't know, these other people that put up money for the movie. So they then have a dinner and then you go and you interact with them and basically thank them for putting the money up for the movie. Old fucking freckles didn't realize that. I'm looking at this guy. Who the fuck is this guy? And then once I realized, it's like, oh, oh, okay, okay, we're still playing the game. I thought the game was over. You know, it was halftime.

I thought once we once we did the whole fucking premiere of it and it went well, I thought that that was the end of the bullshit and that old Billy could start drinking. So I got to be honest with you, I didn't really drink that night. That was one of those nights you don't drink. You know, you just have to be kind of on point the entire time, but it was definitely a lot of fun. Unfortunately, you know, Toronto is one of my favorite fucking cities. I just like going up to Canada, man. I really enjoy it. But, you know, I was only up there for like 24 hours, so I didn't get to do some of the things I got to do when I did the tour with Verzi, but definitely stayed at the same hotel, my favorite hotel up there, had a fucking steam room, some old man shit. I got to be honest with you, steams are the best fucking thing ever.

You know, at any one time you smoke a fucking cigar, I swear to God, you taste it the next day until about two in the afternoon, unless you wake up in the morning and you go take a steam. You take a steam, you just sweat out all the impurities and I'm telling you that shit comes right out, you're fine. You're fine. You're sweating out all the kids. Anyway, so that's the deal. So that movie comes out, I believe end of October, early November. So I'm definitely going to get Mike Binder, the director, who put me in the fucking movie, literally. I'm definitely going to get him on the podcast at some point and possibly maybe another cast member will see. We will definitely see. So please look out for that. Please go pay to see the movie. Please don't steal it.

But, you know, at the end of the day, you have all the power. All right, let's continue on. So anyway, so then, then I. What did I do? Yeah. Okay. So the next day I wake up, I take a steam, right? And I go over to the fucking airport. Look at me. Oh, Billy. Fancy pants, right? Taking steams, going to premieres. I had a big weekend. I'm not going to apologize for took me 22 years. So I went over to the airport and I'm sitting in the, I'm sitting at the airport and they have all this NFL pregame going on. And I'm thinking, I fuck, I'm going to miss everything. And I'm watching the pregame and which I never watch. And I haven't really watched it in years. It's why I don't know anybody's names anymore.

And I'm really bad at that. I mean, part of it's because I'm on the road all the fucking time. But I think. I don't know. Sorry, guys. Can you tell him looking at something else here on the computer? So I'm sitting there watching it. And the first thing I see, and I started tweeting this shit and it kind of started. I got a little thing going on Twitter of just the dumb shit that they say in the whole fucking the NFL pregame. You know, like freeze the tape right there. Okay, you can see right there where he's making decisions. He is making decisions and that is a good thing. He's looking at it. Not only last year, he was just looking. It was his first read. He was telegraphing where he was going to throw the ball.

And if you see right here what he's doing, he is now checking down the field at second and third reads. Now I can tell you when a quarterback does that, that is when he's starting to play the quarterback position at an NFL level. Fucking all of that shit. Just a bunch of fucking people in suits. Breaking down the game the way it never needed to be broken down. It is completely a product of fucking 9024 hour sports channels. I mean, dude, I'm sitting there. It's like two and a half hours before kickoff and they're already doing pregame. It's like, dude, pregame used to be a half hour before Brent Musburger, Irv Cross, that Kennedy woman, whatever the hell. Jackie, not Jackie Kennedy. What the hell is her name?

And then Jimmy the Greek. That was CBS and NBC. You had fucking Brian Gumbel and Mike Adam Lee. NFL 81, right? That's what the fuck you would do. That's all you just watched that. And they went around the league and it was cool. Bang, bang, boom, and you were done. And then you went to your local feet. Now you just got these guys are out there. They're acting it out on that half a football field over and far. I'll tell you right now what they're trying to do is they're trying to turn around the culture in the locker room. For years, it has been a mentality that we are not going to win the big one. And that's why they brought in Joe fucking bag of donuts to come in there and try to turn around.

Stupid as shit ever. Over and fucking over and over. So anyway, I started tweeting all of that shit and just making up player names and all the dumb shit that they say, I thought he's a change man. He came in this came into camp in the best shape of his football life. He's listening to his coaches. He hasn't hit his wife and he only tested positive to weed. And I'll tell you that type of attitude, that type of attitude is contagious in the locker room. How many fucking times did they even sit there rolling their eyes with their football speak? Drives me up the fucking wall. What he needs to do is he needs to feel the pass rush.

In the national football league, what you have to be able to do is feel when that pocket is collapsing around you. You've got to have a clock in your head. You've got to have a clock in your head. And once it's clicking down, you have to know you must get rid of the football. Because I'll tell you right now, if you don't do that and you take a sack right there, that is a drive killer. Mike? Absolutely, absolutely, absolutely agree. What he's doing there is you can tell he's patting the ball. He is telegraphing his passes. This is the type of stuff that they worked on in the off season. He showed some promising moments in the preseason, but I got to tell you today, I don't know where that was.

And I got to wonder, is it time to hit the panic button down the tap? Who the fuck can sit there and watch that horse? And then what I love is sports fans watch that shit and then it gets, it's like a virus and then it gets in their fucking heads. And then they go out to sports bars and you talk about football and then they start sounding like those people. Dude, you got to have a fucking clock in your head, kid, you know? One one thousand, two one thousand, fucking get rid of it. Throw it out of bounds. Dude, you're allowed to do that as long as you're within the confines of the fucking pocket, dude. I can't, I can't fucking, I can't go to sports bars.

Why would you, I don't give a fuck how fucking broke you are. There is no reason to not have the NFL package. There isn't. All right, you can go 40 fucking days without food as long as you got water, you're fine. Do yourself a fucking favor, starve yourself and yes. Okay, I'm advocating anorexia to get the NFL package to not go down to the fucking sports bar, eating that heart attack food. I want you to bunch of grown men walking around in jerseys like they're dating, dating the fucking player. Dude, all day, all day, that horseshit. You going to go down there looking at those tired waitresses trying to whore it up in their fucking cut off ref shirt. Listening to that bullshit.

Unbelievable. Is it time to make a change? I'll tell you, I mean, if I am, if I am the offensive coordinator, he has had, you got to understand with this kid, this kid has had 19 offensive coordinators in the last seven seasons. Okay, I still don't think that we have seen what this kid is able to do out there. I'm still holding on. Yes, but you have to understand that he has had 18 hinge. I don't know. I can't fuck right, right, right. I'm annoying myself just just even listening to this shit. So anyway, so I get on the fucking plane and all I want to do is watch the game and you know, it's funny to watch a fucking game on a plane. I've been able to, it's just, it's the best. It just fucking blows through the whole flight mean three hours.

I mean, you just crushed your flight and so I get on there. You know, somebody always has money on it or somebody is like totally into the team. You know, you know, it's funny is if the game is kind of boring and then you turn it, right? And then all of a sudden something exciting happens and you hear these guys like whatever like 10 rows back on and you fucking quickly turn it back on. You start watching it. It's the best time of the year to fly provided you're on like a virgin or a jet blue or something like that. That's going to American Airlines where they're going to have the fucking game. Unfortunately, I was on air Canada. We don't give a fuck about you and your American sports. You know what they had? I saw sports and my heart is like pumping going, oh my God, I'm going to have NFL football.

All right, I'm going to be flying over. What's the closest NFL city to Toronto? Is it Cleveland or is it Detroit? Both are separated by water, right? What game am I going to get? Am I going to get Pittsburgh fucking Cleveland? Detroit play. I don't even fucking know. I missed everything. Am I going to get the Chicago game? Hey, maybe I'll get lucky and I'll get to watch my Patriots play the Miami Dolphins, right? So I click on the sports little thing there and unfortunately I got all they had was taped games. Games that already happened and it was highlights from the 2014 World Cup. So I did what any man does in those moments. I can't watch sports. I'm going to watch a documentary because that's the only other thing

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I've done enough piece of shit things in life. I deserve the fact that NFL football is not on right now. And I have to watch World Cup repeats of World Cup soccer, which I would watch if there was an NFL football on the real football, not the football the rest of the world plays. You know what the rest of the world is? They're like a bunch of mainstream fucking hacks. You know, they all want the same football, right?

Like that fucking teeny boppin' whore. Whatever the fuck her name is. Miley Cyrus. Like if she fucking played a sport, she'd play soccer. American football, that's like the underground band with balls that's trying to stick it to the man, man. Sorry, whatever. I like NFL football. Go fuck yourselves, all right?

With your fucking bangers and mash. Anyways, the fuck am I talking about? So I get on this. So yeah, so I'm like, what am I going to watch here? So I started watching this documentary about this dolphin that was hanging out around New Zealand. And this woman started hanging out with the dolphin, started thinking about the dolphin in the middle of the night if it was lonely and she'd go in the water with the thing. It got really fucking creepy.

You know, when people start fucking befriending a wild animal, especially when it lives in a fucking world that you can't breathe in, you know? I guess it's a mammal, so it comes to the surface. Is that the connection? I was like, wow, you have to come up for air too. So she started getting really creepy close with this dolphin. And then they started showing the fishermen that we're getting annoyed by the dolphin because it was eating all the fish. And it was getting right to that point where I'm like, something tragic is going to happen to this doll.

And I'm going to start welling up, tearing up on an airplane. And I don't want this to happen. So I turned the channel. That's how I watch all nature shows. I watch the part about the animal. And right when it gets to the point, and then man came and they show that fucking machine that just pulls trees out of the ground like the Hulk. Have you ever seen that fucking thing where one man in this goddamn machine can do more fucking damage than a fucking hurricane, you know? So I kind of knew I was going to tap out.

So I tapped out on that and I decided to watch some classic TV. And this made me feel really old. In classic TV, they actually had WKRP in Cincinnati. And I remember when that show came out. I used to watch it every week. You guys remember that show? No? Well, here's a little reminder. Baby, if you ever wondered.

Maybe this is a fresher member. Your memory. Remember that? Bill, there's no way you're going to sing the whole song. So I watched an episode of that and I got to tell you, I don't think I've ever seen a writer's room just tap out the way they did at the end of that episode. It was this fucking episode where Dr. Johnny fever. They have basically, they're giving away $5,000, like 100 bucks at a time throughout the summer. And Johnny fever reads it wrong and says it's a $5,000 giveaway.

So they go, fuck, what are we going to do? Mr. Carlson runs the station goes, if we have to give away five grand, not only is fever losing his job. For some reason, Andy Travis is also going to lose his job, as well as Venus Flytrap, who's another fucking DJ. But I guess they threw him in because he was African American. But fuck you, we've been looking for a reason to get rid of you anyways, because this is Cincinnati in 1979. So what do they do? They go, all right, you basically, you got to name five songs only here in a couple of notes. So they splice them together so fucking quickly, they don't think anybody's going to get it.

But of course, somebody gets it. And now they got five grand of cash, everybody's going to lose their fucking money. And then one ends up happening is this guy shows up to claim the money, they give the guy the money and he leaves. And then two seconds later, the real guy shows up and they realize they gave away the wrong money. But Johnny fever smelled a rat and he went down and he got the money back and hands it to Mr. Carlson. And that evidently made it all better. And then they ended the episode. It's like, well, wait a minute, what about the guy who actually won it?

He's standing there, you still got to give him the five grand. And then it just ended. They played the end song. I'm not even exaggerating. That's how the song goes at the end of WKRP. You can't understand one fucking word. And then the cat comes up and that was 70s fucking television. Sorry.

Anyways, so let's get to my fucking, my New England Patriots. I didn't see anything of the game. I just saw the highlights, but I got to admit, I can't say dude, I called it. I can't remember if I said it on this podcast. I said it to a friend of mine where I thought this year the Patriots were going to dip a little bit and everybody else in our division was going to get a little bit. It's just, it's just what it is. It is what it is. You can only be up on top for so fucking long.

We've been on top of our division anyways for a long fucking time. And I don't know. I don't know. It's just seemed like we were actually doing okay against the team. Was it like 20 to 10 or something like that at the half? And then we just, we couldn't do anything after. I'll tell you, they went in and they made the halftime adjustments and then the Patriots never adjusted to those halftime adjustments. I got to tell you, you know, I for one, I didn't like that trade when they let Logan Mankins go.

I mean, I just fucking left tackle. I mean, he protects the players in the corner. I'm sure they're doing all of that shit and everybody freaking the fuck out about where the Patriots are. Okay, first of all, it's only one week. And then second of all, you know, not for nothing. We're on a 14 season run. I think we've won the division every fucking year except maybe once or twice throughout Tom's whole career. I think the Jets won it one year.

No, they couldn't win that year because we never played them in a way game. They always came up to meet. I don't fucking know. Oh, I remember the year Brady went down and we went 11 and five and we didn't make the fucking playoffs. I think when we had Matt Castle and that was when Paul Verzi said Matt Castles for real. The guys for real. He's mobile in the pocket, blah, blah, all that type of shit. I was like, dude, he's fucking, he went 11 and five with the 16 and oh team last year in the regular season.

He lost five more games than the team did. It's the fact that you're counting down from 16 and now it's 11. If they won 12 the year before, all right, do the fucking math. I had to say that to give myself a chance to catch up. They would all they would have gone seven and nine. Right, but I say five less, five less from 12. Yeah, seven and nine. Then you would have been like this guy stinks, ship him out of fucking town.

So anyways, I would say that Logan Mankins was, I mean, obviously that was a main, a main point. But it also sounded like they are once again, our fucking defense is another issue. And I don't know, man. I didn't see the game, but it sounded like, you know, we got Vince Wilfork back and it just sounded like they just kind of went through our defense like butter. So we will see what happened. I'm by no means conceding the whole fucking year because of one week. But you got to be honest, like as a sports fan, how long can the Patriots keep winning the vision that the AFC East and how long can the bills jets and dolphins suck? I mean, you suck every year.

You got to be drafting really high. Right. At some point you got to pick somebody. I don't even know the name of the dolphins quarterback, but I kind of looked up his stats from last year. The guy almost threw for 4,000 yards. The guy, he's no slouch. And I'll tell you, you know, these teams, they know each other. They meet twice a year.

These teams, they know what they do. And I'll tell you, I'll tell you right now, it's hard to beat a team three times one season. So it's going to be really interesting to see. I don't know. I'm a fucking nerd, man. I still love this shit. Even if we suck this year, I'm still going to watch every game unless, you know, I'm on a goddamn airplane. But, you know, it is what it is.

You can only fucking hang in there for so goddamn long. Not to mention, Bill Belichick has been the guy. So everybody dissects what the fuck it is you do. They take your coaching staff and every the fact that he's been able to go on the run that he's been able to go on. This is fucking amazing. And also how excited people were when they saw Tom with his head down, you know, in the towel over his head, like you get fucking congestion or something like that, right? Congested nose failure, whatever the fuck it is.

That actually made me laugh like people like best picture of Tom Brady ever. All that says to me as a Patriots fan is this guy's been raping you for fucking the better part of a decade and a half. All right. So we shall see. We'll see what's going on. I missed everything. I missed college football. I missed absolutely fucking everything. I don't even know what happened. So I'm just going to shut up about it.

And with that, let me get into some of the reads this week. For the mother Mooney Pug. Did I do anything else? I'm trying to think. Oh, you know what? I was watching last night. You know, I'm fucking car crazy right now. And I watched this great, this great YouTube video of the fucking Mercedes Benz SLS AMG GT, right? That one that opens up like the original one from 1955 with the go wings.

And it has a base price of $221,580. And, you know, those are the kind of cars that you look at. I was looking at the Roadster, by the way, which I guess is $228,080. These are the kind of cars that you look at when you go on the fucking Internet. It's great. Because back in the day, you would actually have to go down to the lot if they even had one. And they would chase you away. They'd see you walking up going, who the fuck are you fucking bum?

We got chevets down the street there freckles. So what I love about this thing is you can actually watch, like I watched a whole test drive. This guy drove it through, you know, he started off on the coast of Portland and drove it all the way up to Mount Hood. And what was funny is a lot of the roads he was on, or at least the areas he was on, I've actually been, I've actually driven on, probably in like a fucking Chevy Lumina or a Dodge Neon or a Ford Elston. I always fucking end up getting somehow Ford Taurus if I splurge for the full size car. I used to do this gig, this college down in Coos Bay on the coast of Portland. And I used to drive down because I was trying to save money.

And I used to always do it. You know, I'd have a gig on the fucking western part of Nebraska and I would fly into Lincoln and then just get on the 80. I still remember the highways, the 80. The 80 was all the way across Nebraska, the 70. That was Kansas. And when you got up north, it was 90 and 94. And that went through like the Dakotas and Wyoming and Montana. And then nuts. And I think it's the 40 is south of the 70. For those of you who haven't done a lot of road shit, even numbers go east-west on the interstates and odds go north-south.

That's some trucking shit for you. All right, and it starts out on the west coast, Pacific coast highway. Let me see how much, this is my OCD kicking in. But what is that? That's route one, but they got a route one on the fucking east coast too. Whatever, you got the five, right? That goes from San Diego all the way up to the fucking Canadian border. Then you got the 15 and I believe the 15 that goes off of the 10 goes all the way up to Vegas continues up through Utah. Then you can make a right at the 70 and take that all the way to New York.

I've done that, but if you continue on up, which I've never done, that goes right up that splits fucking Nevada in half. And I think it goes up to Boise, Idaho or into Montana or some shit. Then you got the 25, which is basically starts in breaking bad country. Goes right up through Denver, Cheyenne, Wyoming, all the way up to fucking the middle of why fucking Montana. Then you got the 35. I took that one drove that one up from Austin, Texas up to Dallas. That one goes right up to fucking Oklahoma right through fucking all the way up. Then I don't know where it goes from there. I never did the 65 or something.

You can take that from Indianapolis down to Nashville or something like that. Something 60 something. I used to do that all the time when I was trying to sell tickets down south. I do Bob and Tom and I don't know. Then all the fucking rest of them, 95 and all those cunts. Sorry. Anyways, so I'm watching this fucking video and I used to do this gig down there in Coos Bay. So this guy's driving this, but you got to see this fucking car dude. It's a fucking goddamn James Bond car.

It's unbelievable. I was actually looking at it going, you know, what if I sold my house and I just put it all into that car? You got to hear the thing. It's just fucking insane. I am completely sold on German cars. I just think they're the fucking best. I do like Italian cars too, but you know, the Germans, they just take it to that next level. And it really is because they don't care. They just don't care about human life.

You know what I mean? They don't. And I know that you're saying, well, what about all the German cars? You know what I mean? They don't. And I know that you're saying, well, what about all the safety? They're doing that for their Aryan brothers. They're doing that to protect the next furor.

That's why they make the car as safe as it is, but it's not for guys like me. Like, you know, if Hitler, if Hitler like succeeded, okay, and he exterminated all the people he wanted to exterminate, how long would a fucking redhead like me be able to be able to stand in his vicinity before? I'm sick of looking at that. I never would have fucking made it. Anyways, he'd throw me in right after the fucking albinos. So anyways, yeah, their cars are just fucking insane. And I am still 100% hooked on that.

I think the fucking Mercedes Benz station wagon AMG is one of the coolest fucking cars out there just as far as a sleeper. I just think that is the sickest car. I got a couple of videos. I'll send you a link of the video for that Mercedes SLS GT Roadster that this guy took. It was just, it just was the fucking shit. You know what I mean? Oh my God, why did I look at that fucking car? That's just, that's why I, you know, you know, you ever go like when they have open houses in, you know, in a nice neighborhood and you fucking you with, you know, whoever the fuck.

Hey, let's go look, let's just fucking, that's the worst thing you could ever fucking do. You know, because then you got to go back to where you live. And that's, I'm warning you right now that you're going to watch this video and just know that you're then going to have to go back to the car that you're driving. And whatever, I love my Prius. Go fuck yourself. But Jesus Christ, is that a fucking unbelievable car? God damn it, you motherfuckers. You should have to be making a certain amount of fucking money before you.

They even let you watch that video. You know? Fuck. All right. Anyways, let's, let's, let's continue on here with the podcast. All right. This was an interesting email because this could go like 9,000 different ways. All right.

It says black guy voice. It says, Bill, my girlfriend and I have found a hot button issue between the two of us. She hates a black guy voice that I do when I make jokes. He goes, I'm not black and neither is she. When we started dating, I didn't really do it, but when we were playing Monopoly with one of my oldest friends and I started winning once, once I was winning and my oldest friend was there, the old black guy voice made an appearance. I don't really say racist things.

What does that mean? I don't really say racist thing. Or are you saying like, I don't really say racist thing. I can't tell because you're writing this stuff. So he goes, I would just say stuff like, oh yeah, give me that dollar. Oh, this is some serious cheddar right here. I'm not going to try to even do a black guy voice here or hacky one. He goes, I also show, showered my dog in $500 bills and rubbed it all over his body like

I was at a, like it was a party. My friend found it hilarious. My girlfriend said I was mocking her. I love that she's making it about her. I thought that she was going like, listen, what you're doing is funny. If you're doing it like, if your heart's in the right place, but she's, this is all about her. She goes, he goes, personally, I think she's, I think being an asshole is an expected part of the game.

I guess the game of Monopoly, but that's just me. He goes, now that we've moved in together, I continue to do the voice in a playful way. If she asks for a favor, I might reply, sure dog, I got you. See, I think that's fucking funny. He goes, and then she glares at me and tells me she hates that voice. She doesn't understand. This is when it gets weird though. He goes, that I'm making fun of people who talk like that and I'm not trying to make

fun of her. This is where it goes off to raise rails for me. And I don't know, but I don't know how you make it fun of him. He just being ridiculous like the way I'll do, like a Southern voice. Like, now you got damn it. Get your fucking ass in here. Ask for a sandwich. Right.

And what is the rule? Because I'm making fun of redneck white people and I'm white. I'm allowed to do that. It all depends on, all of this shit, it all depends on how you're doing it, like what your point is. Anyway, so he goes, I don't really know what... He goes, I don't really know what she thinks I'm doing honestly. I don't see what is so offensive about the voice.

And then he writes, nah, I mean, I like saying, aw shit and motherfucka. I like referring to our middle aged white neighbor as that ghetto ass N word. I think it's funny. Now I got to be honest with you, even that is funny if you're just fucking around. Or white guy calling some middle aged white dude, especially if he looks like Flanders. I don't know. And I know you're not supposed to say that, but you're in your house. You're fucking around.

It's your world. It's your TV station. And I really think if you're not doing any of this maliciously, like that's funny. I think it's funny anyways, but I don't know where you're coming from with this, sir. He goes, my question is, do you think I should stop doing the voice? Or do I have the right to continue doing it? You obviously have a right to continue doing it. He goes, I don't consider it racist.

And it's really just for laughs as a comedian. I think you can appreciate that is my girlfriend being too touchy about it. And even if she is being too touchy, do I really have a say in it? Is this the end of the black guy voice as we know it? I don't even know what that means. Sometimes I insist on her adding the word DJ before my name when she speaks to me. See, dude, I think you're just being silly, but I just do that because I know it pisses her off and it's funny. I'm not really an asshole, Bill.

If you think I should stop, I actually will. It's time for a third party way on this. Well, the fact that you say if I actually said stop, you will. I think it all depends on how you mean this, but this actually relates. To stand up comedy right now where, you know, there's a lot of this people go out and they see your act. They see a bunch of comedians or they listen to you tell a bunch of jokes and then they pick out one joke and they define you. They define you by that joke, by how they heard the joke and they define your entire career by that performance. You know what I mean?

I mean, I had some blogger go off on me about a show I did recently and it's like I just taped an hour and a half special. I just burned an hour and a half of material. I wasn't ready to go back out on the road. I had that fucking goddamn Mississippi River go through the lower part of my fucking house and I have to make money. Or else I'm going to go wonder, right? Basically, you know, I'm going to get myself in a ridiculous amount of fucking debt. So I went out before I was ready to go out and I am I need material. And I, you know, one of these shows that somebody complained about was it was a city that I went to a year ago and I'm not going out there repeating material.

I'm not fucking people over. So I went out there and I did my thing. And, you know, my act where my act is right now, I don't like where my act is right now at all. No comic does two months after they take a special. Nobody is happy where they're fucking actors. If you're really, you know, being honest with yourself. So this person saw me and, you know, didn't like what I was talking about and absolutely, you know, I mean, I just skim them. Somebody sent me a link.

I just skimmed it. I didn't really fucking read it, but it was just like, you know, I wouldn't argue with a lot of your perception of it. But to define me as a stand up comic on one fucking show, you know, when I'm trying to try, it's like doing stand up comedy. It's not like playing guitar. I can't sit in my bedroom and get better at it. And when it's ready to be heard, go out and go play. I have to fucking go out there and just, it's like fucking cooking pasta. Remember the old days?

You took a noodle out. You threw it at the wall. And if it stuck, it was done. If it wasn't, you kept going. That's what you're doing. So this person fucking didn't like what I was talking about. Absolutely trashed me. And then like lied, like completely either lied.

It was so wrapped up in how much they didn't like what I was talking about that they didn't see what happened. I mean, the show I did, I got a partial standing ovation and they called me back out and this person left all of that out, left all of that shit out. It was just like, he was a monster. He was saying, you know, it's just one of those things where if you're joking, if you're fucking joking, then like, I don't think the other person, you know, they can take it however they want to take it. But just because they decide to take it seriously doesn't mean that you now meant it. And that's sort of like a, that's kind of something that's going on. So what I would say as far as what you're doing is, you know, if you're not a racist guy, if you don't have issues and you're just doing it because it's a funny character and I get doing a character that drives your wife up the wall. You know, I actually, the character you do, I will say, I mean, I don't drop the N word, but I will say that I will do that type of slang.

But what I do it is like, I do it in my voice and I say it really seriously because it sounds absolutely grating to my wife and it either really makes her laugh or annoys the shit out of her. I don't know. I think that's part of being with somebody is you have to have something that you do that they find annoying and you find hilarious. So, you know, I don't know. It all depends. I think it's funny that actually I can't even give her shit that she's making it about herself that actually is kind of one for your side that the way you're doing it isn't in a racist way, but she just doesn't like it. I don't do it. The last thing you want to do is take any sort of advice from me when it comes to fucking women because the way that I grew up was basically if somebody didn't like something, you did it even more. It was that sort of sadistic mean level of teasing. And for the longest time in my adult life, I didn't know where the line was. I used to have this running joke where when I was living with Robert Kelly way back in the day, he had a similar sadistic upbringing that was even worse than mine.

And he was the only guy that I met that I can really think of that was further down that road that I was. And basically when people would sit around, like when we were even at the cellar, when the trashing would start, a lot of times we would pick up where the game ended would be our startup. No, maybe not at the cellar because it got pretty fucking mean, but generally speaking, we would like where we started was the area that most people didn't even delve in in that game. And that became like the running joke for a while where people would tease the two of us at how we played that game where someone would make fun of our shirt and then we'd be like, yeah, at least my mom isn't dead. Like we would take it and we wouldn't go that far, but it was they would make fun. So I actually had to learn to dial it back when it comes to stuff like that. So like I said, I wouldn't listen to me because I am fucking damaged goods. All right, Ghost Rider. Oh, by the way, I got to, I got to, you know, I got to stop, you know, say obviously the passing of Joan Rivers.

I know I talked about this last week, but seriously, without a doubt, not even up for debate, she's in the top five all time. And I would actually, if it was in Vegas and you had to bet who had written more stand up material, Joan Rivers or George Carlin. I like, I don't know what the spread would be on that because I saw her when she did Fallon, right? It was this really cool moment where, you know, she was in with Johnny Carson and then, you know, they offered her own talk shows, a famous fucking story. If you lived under a rock, maybe you never heard it, but and she agreed to do the talk show and she didn't get Johnny's blessing. And he looked at it like, hey, I'm running a hardware store. I'm letting you work here, right? And then you open a hardware store across the street, go fuck yourself, you're dead to me. And he never talked to her again, which I can understand being pissed off, but never talking to her again.

I mean, after he had like a 20 year fucking friendship is kind of weird. But if you read some of the autobiographies about his mom and what the fuck she did to him and all kind of makes sense. So anyway, she had not been on the tonight show since Johnny had it for whatever reason, when Leno had it, it never worked out where she got on the show. I don't think Jay had anything against her. She just never did the show. So Fallon gets it and he brings her in. And this is the first time she'd been on the tonight show in like 20 or 25 years. And Jimmy took out a photo of her where she's on the tonight show with Johnny Carson. It's Johnny Carson with like, you know, black or brown hair, not even one gray or white hair on top of his head. And she saw it, she goes, oh my God, she goes, that's my second appearance on the tonight show. That was 1965.

So she basically, she did panel talk show panel for almost half a century. I mean, you're talking about, I don't know, in the Mount Rushmore comedy, I think you got to put her in there. You have to. So anyways, yeah, it's just, I remember when I saw the documentary of her and she had that fucking card catalog of like, literally a library card catalog with all these jokes, all these different topics, and to be able to last and be relevant. That was another thing too, is she never got like, you know, you'll see legendary comics who just, they don't change with the times and their crowd, they keep getting older and their crowd keeps getting older. And I think what really is a benchmark for you as an artist is if despite the fact you keep getting old, you keep, it's like every new generation, it's like you're surfing and you catch that wave every fucking time. And if you went to go see her, you would see people from their 20s all the way up to her age. You see that with acts like Neil Young, there's very few artists that do that. And the only ones who do it are the ones that continue to, I feel, continue to grow and they stay current.

Or you just continue doing what you do and what you do, you do it so fucking well that it remains undeniable. And to me, that's AC DC. And they're fucking hilarious about their body of work. I remember one time somebody was, gave them a little bit of a dig in an interview going like, you know, you've made the same album 17 times in a row. And then one of them in the band was like, you know what, that's bullshit. That's bullshit. We've done it 18 times in a row. And they all, and everybody in the band laughed. And, you know, I mean, that might even be harder than fucking staying relevant is to do the same sort of thing that long in a row. But anyway, so huge, huge, huge fucking huge loss. Without a doubt the real deal. So definitely going to miss Joan Rivers. So anyways, with that, because this is a comedy writing thing here, somebody brought this up, ghost writer.

Hello, Bill. Sorry, I don't have any funny nickname to give you. He said, I wanted to get you take on ghost writers for comedians. Would you fault any comedian who has a ghost writer and or our ghost writers are commonly known part of standup comedy, especially for comedians that are well known slash established. Thanks. And don't go fuck yourself. I like this guy. He went, he took a left turn. No nickname and he didn't tell me to go fuck myself. Let's see. What I fault any comedian who has a ghost writer. Yeah, I don't look at them the same as a comic who actually wrote all of their own material. Absolutely. Absolutely.

There's people who write their own material and then they get a TV or a movie career and they want to keep going out on the road. You know, they don't have time to build up an act. The smart thing to do is to go out and get a fucking writing staff. And if that works for you, that works for you personally. I don't look at you the same way anymore because to me, a comedian, a pure comedian is writing all their own jokes. And, you know, yeah, there's people who do that and they have people that follow them around and they sit in the back and they write down things that they say. And, you know, it goes all the way from, you know, the comedy version of getting a little booster chair at the table all the way to there carrying you off the field like fucking Kellan Winslow. You know, it's one of those deals. So I think it all depends on the level that you do it. I mean, I'm also speaking out of school here because I've never done that. So I don't know how much of the hour ends up being what somebody else wrote that you then added your own spin on.

But, you know, I don't think I'm unique in that. That takes a little shine off the apple for me. Well, whatever the fucking expression is, if I find out the person actually has writers, because then I'm sitting there going, well, how much is this your thought or is this somebody else's thought that you paid for? So yeah, but people definitely have them. Having said all that, I don't necessarily think it's a bad thing to do. It's a smart thing to do because nowadays with the internet how everything gets made and then nobody pays for it. I mean, going out on the road, tap dancing for your fucking lunch. I mean, you got to have an act, right? All right, advice. Dear Billy Bob Burr, need some girl advice. I recently struck up conversation with a very attractive young lady on the train the other day. We're practically the whole 45 minute train ride. I'm 28, but she was only 20. Despite the age difference, she was very cool and we talked about stand up comedy and how we are both fans of you. All right. So what are we talking about here? This is weird. We all of a sudden you brought me into it. You get me out of there.

When my stop arrived, I left without asking for her number because I didn't want to be that guy. What guy? The guy who finds love, the guy gets laid. Either way, you're that guy. You were that guy. You were that guy that didn't ask for her number. So he goes, now I'm regretting it. She told me where she works retail and I want to go there and ask her out. So do you think it will come across creepy or sweet? If I just showed up for a work unannounced, she might not even be working at the time, but I could leave my number with the coworker. Do not do that. Any advice? Love the podcast. Go fuck yourself. No, it's not creepy at all. You're coming in with a rain cone. You don't want to make eye contact. Yeah, that's going to be creepy. Come walking in and just be like, listen, it's been, it's been bugging me. I don't know if you remember me. I met you on the bus, blah, blah, blah. Oh yeah, yeah, whatever. Listen, it's been bugging me from the second I got off the bus that I didn't ask you for your number. I wanted to ask you for your number, but I didn't want to come off like a creep. You know, I'd love to take you out sometime. Just very simple, very honest.

All right. Don't be all fidgety and awkward. You know, just fucking go in there and just state your case. All right. Now, if she's not working there, don't stand outside the place, you know, fogging up the fucking windows, waiting for her to show up. Just come walking in and just say, hey, is someone so here? No. Well, when does she work again? Blah, blah, blah. You know, all right. Oh, cool. All right. Thank you. Whatever. Who can I say he's asking? Ah, the creepy guy from the bus. Whatever. Yeah, I would just go about it that way, but absolutely do that. And that whole fucking thing. Hey, I don't want to be that guy. Be that guy. Be the guy that asks for what he wants. Be respectful of other people, but you got to be the guy. All right. Or you got to be the lady either way. You got to beat that fucking thought out of your head. You can be so respectful and so like not wanting to rock the boat that you never even fucking, you know, get what you want in life. All right. Cause life doesn't give a shit whether your dreams come true or not. All right. And a lot of the dreams that you have. This isn't one of them, but a lot of the dreams that you have.

Like, I always find it funny that people pray to a higher power. Oh, please let me get this job. Please let me, blah, blah, blah and all that type of shit. The way this whole fucking world was set up if one person made it is if basically if you got a roof over your head and you're eating every day and you have drinking water, your dream is fulfilled. So to sit there and ask for a corner office of this person, you're really just clogging up their phone lines. Is that nuts? I don't know. That's how I look at it. All right. All in. Dear Billy brain fart. Back in December, 2012, I was enlisted in the United States Air Force. Off we go into the wild blue yonder flying. Yeah, we dive. That's all I know. Cause that's all they play in the movies. Right. Let's just the credits. Nothing can stop the U.S. Air Force. How about a stronger Air Force? I'll tell you right now, they won the championship. They feel like they're unstoppable. And that's the kind of thing that ends up getting you shot down out of the sky.

You have to feel the weak side pressure of the third world countries. I mean, planes are disappearing. Who's to say that these people don't have these things? All right. Despite being engaged. Wait a second. I got engaged. Oh, yeah, the guy joins the fucking Air Force. All right. He enlisted. I got engaged to what I thought was the lady of my dreams. Life was good. Unfortunately, I got stationed out of state and had to move. Despite being engaged, she opted to stay behind in what was supposed to be temporary. We managed to keep the spark alive for some time until she lost the engagement ring in April 2013. All right. Let's stop right there. Guys are morons and a man can lose a fucking ring. All right. The only way a woman can lose a ring is if she's cleaning it near a sink. Okay. And she doesn't understand plumbing and then later turns on the water and sends it through the J trap. All right. He's going to feel the weak side pressure on the J trap on four down situations. When a woman loses a ring, you got to understand like this. That's so many of them. That's the thing. The ring, they get the fucking stick it under their fucking girlfriend's noses. Yeah, bitch. Yeah.

Right. They live for that. That's like you getting a game worn jersey. All right. So she lost a fucking engagement ring. Wow. Eventually things spiraled out of control and she left me in June of 2013 saying I deserved better. All right. Well, that means either she doesn't love herself and like when I saying that you deserve better, what I would immediately think is that if I woman ever said that to me, that's like, all right, you fucked around on me and how many times. Anyways, this put me in a huge state of depression to which I credit your podcast for helping me out. Thank you. You're welcome. Come to find out she bang. Oh, she banged four different guys from June to August. There you go. And those are just the ones she admitted to. Okay. That's like when you come home buzzed or drunk in high school and your parents go, how many beers are you had? How many? What do you say to your really shit face? You'll say four and she said four. So what does that mean? She had a 12 packet dick. All right. In August, she came back into my life after she said she went. She too went through a depression. She was living even further away now, but still wanted to try and make things work some type of way. Finally, February of this year, I got the chance we were waiting on. I went house hunting. Jesus, dude, what are you doing? Where she lived in an attempt to make things right?

Come to find out she had been banging a married guy with kids and also talking to someone else telling me, wait, and also talking to someone else while telling me she wanted me. I confronted her and she basically said, all I'll ever be to her is a fucking FaceTime friend. What? You confronted her and she said all, and she said, all I'll ever be to her is a fucking FaceTime friend. A week ago, she called me and now she wants to be friends again. I love this girl. That is your problem, sir. That is the only reason why you're writing me because everything you're saying, this is a joke, your decision. He goes, I love this girl very much despite what she's done to me, kind of like eating sugar. It's good, but it fucks you in the long run. My question to you is, do I throw all my chips in this time or do I fold? And yes, I'm probably an idiot. Either way, thanks for the laughs and go fuck yourself. P.S., do a show in Mississippi already. Jesus Christ built. That's on my bucket list. I'm going to do one down there. All right. Here's the deal, dude. This is the deal. Your heart is clouding your brain right now. All right. And here's a great expression that somebody said that their therapist told them one time. They said, I don't let chaos live in my life. All right. This is the deal. Okay. She has come from some sort of unhealthy fucking background where she feels that, yeah, she's got some sort of low self esteem thing.

I'm guessing she just thinks that she's a piece of shit and probably doesn't deserve a great guy like you. So she deliberately went out and sabotaged it probably because she's used to being around a bunch of dysfunctional fucking people. So when she actually found somebody outside of her wheelhouse, she ran back to the comfort of that dysfunctional horseshit. All right. That is not your fucking problem. Okay. When you're trying to find the person that you're supposed to fucking be with, you have to find somebody that is as right as rain. All right. That's why you asked the questions. Are your parents still together? What are your relationships? Like all the red flags, both for men and women. Listen to this thing. Okay. If they have issues with their fucking parents and they don't fucking speak to them and they have a lot of anger issues towards their family, fucking walk, walk. All right. If you're young, you're drafting in the first round. Okay. Okay. That's the Des Bryant pick. Like fucking Bill Belichick. He passed on that one. And everyone's like, dude, what are you talking about? That's a fucking 10. And look at him. Not saying the dude isn't a 10. Not saying he's not a world class fucking athlete, but all the baggage that comes with that horseshit. You got to look at it like that. So what you need to do is, you know, all right, you want to compare it to sugar? You want to get over your sugar addiction? Just go cold turkey. All right. Six days fucking in. Okay. You're going to start to turn and you're going to be looking at candy and cake and pies going, why the fuck would I ever eat that? Cause it's out of your system.

And that's how you're going to look at her. Why the fuck would I ever eat that? Yeah. Dude, that's not the mother of your kids, man. You know, that right there is a Hank Williams song waiting to be written. If you marry her and you have kids with her. All right. I mean, dude, that, that, that's the kind of woman that could turn you into a fucking alcoholic. You need to walk away. All right. And you know what? You live in Mississippi. So you understood that fucking Hank Williams reference. All right. Walk away and, and stay single for a while until you get that craving out of you. Cause it's not fair for you to get into another relationship with that shit there. And you probably want to bill. How do you know all this shit? Cause I'm a fucking piece of shit. And I've done it. I've been like all of these, all of these questions. I've been both people. I've been the person that fucked around. I've been the person that got fucked around on. I've made horrible fucking decisions and all of that shit. And it wasn't until I finally fucking decided to, you know, stops around on myself with fucking people that reminded me of people that I grew up with and actually tried to create a winning culture in the locker room. So that's what you need to do. You need to, uh, you need to draft character first. All right.

There's plenty of beautiful women that came from wonderful families and those though that's the one that's the keeper. All right. All right. I know what the show. Okay. A woman like this is fucking your brains out. I know she is. Okay. And that's the sugar right there. Okay. So you got to let that go. All right. Here's the deal. Next time you, you're thinking about calling her, rub one out. I'm dead serious. Fucking rub one out. And the second you're done, I bet as your orgasm, you're going to, this, you're going to be like, oh, thank God I didn't call her. That's what's going to happen. All right. And remember that thought. All right. Single for a week. Dear Billy Buzz Balls and the lovely Nia, if she's available, she isn't unfortunately, he goes, I am 22 years old dating a 19 year old girl who goes to school an hour away. All right. We've been dating since her freshman year. And we've been able to maintain a very loving relationship while maintaining our own independent lives outside of it. Jesus, what could go wrong? Before I decided to get serious with her, I vowed to remind myself that there may be a point where I have to let her go considering the drastic changes that go on at Miss, Miss the college years. If it works out with her, I will be immensely happy. But if she needs time to grow, then I love her enough to be content with giving her that time. You're talking like you're her first serious relationship. Recently she expressed her curiosity and what it would be like if she wasn't in a relationship in college and my mind immediately went to something that you said on a recent podcast about the influential dicks that girls need to suck in college.

I said that. I don't think I said that. Did I say that? Anyways, although you'd be a shit poet, I knew what you were getting at. So we decided that we'd take a week off and drop the maintenance of a long distance one hour relationship so she could experience her single self in college. We said no hooking up and she expressed that her intentions were not to get with other dudes and I do actually believe her, but you never know. It was more about handling adversity at school without me and to overall take a break from the long distance responsibilities. Like I said, although it's hard, I did emotionally prepare myself knowing that she may eventually change her mind and need space. I like Nia's and your opinion on the idea of the week break and overall situation. Love the podcast and you fucking crushed it at the Chicago Oddball show and it was a privilege to see your act. Thanks again and go fuck yourself. Well, it's funny. That's the fucking show I got shit about. Anyways, by the way, if you find that blogger, do not write a bunch of negative shit like fuck you, you fucking cunt because all that does is just feed into what they're writing. Okay, if you want to look at it, look at it, but please, because if I was to meet that person, I would not talk to that person that way. I wouldn't. I would listen to what they were saying. I would state my case and that would be it. Alright, here we go. I don't think a week is long enough, a long enough time. The problem is when you get into a relationship this serious at that young of age, you know, if you've been dating a year, you met her when she was 18, you met her as a freshman.

So she went from the first 18 years of her life of, you know, being in the nest with her parents. She's finally out on her own and then she immediately gets into a relationship. She doesn't know who she is. You know what I mean? So, and I don't think you can do that in a week. I don't, I don't, you know, some people can do it, only need a couple, you know, some people, you know, meet people in college and then they marry their college sweetheart and that's it. They're fine with it and all that. Other people, you know, need to fucking make a bunch of mistakes through their 20s, 30s and into their 40s. All depends. So, um, I think you guys are going to have to figure this out, but, um, there is, you know, that's an amazing time in your life when you move out and it's all of a sudden like, Hey, I can stay up as late as I want to, Hey, I can eat whatever I want to, I can drink as much as I want to drink. And then you have to learn how to be a parent to yourself to say, Hey, fuckhead, it's time to go to bed. Don't take this lie. Hey, you're driving. Don't drink and drive. Dude, you don't have a condom or if you're a woman, he doesn't have a condom. No. Walk away. Like learning how to walk away is, uh, you know, in those dumb situations can, I mean, that those are life altering fucking moments because horrible, horrible fucking things can happen. Uh, in those moments and you need to, I'm going to speak of myself. I feel like you need to, to learn those things. And I don't think you can do that in a week. So, uh, I would just have a serious conversation with there about that. You know, and it's hard for me to really give you, tell you exactly what to do because my whole life experience is superimposed and informing everything that I'm saying. So I'm not you guys, I didn't have your guys upbringing.

There's a lot of people that marry their college sweethearts and they live happily ever fucking after and, uh, and they don't have to go through all the fucking drama that I went through. Um, so I think you guys need to have a conversation about it and on his conversation and, uh, see where the chips fall and then fucking act on it. Um, that's it. Good luck and God bless America. Um, anyways, that is the, uh, oh fuck that I even read the other, I gotta read the other advertising here and then maybe tell another quick story. Or am I just saying that I have another quick story to tell you. So you'll actually listen to this fucking advertising so I won't get shit. Who knows. These and other interesting questions answered next week on the Monday morning podcast stamps.com everybody. Computers are designed to make running a business easier, including your mailing and shipping. Just use stamps.com to get 24 hour access to the post office right from your own computer. No waiting in line. No hassles man. Stamps.com makes mailing and shipping easy. Just use the computer and printer you already have to get official US postage for any letter, any package. Print the posters directly onto envelopes, labels, um, even plain paper. Then hand it to your mail carrier. There's no guesswork stamps.com will send you a digital scale that automatically calculates the exact postage you need for any class of mail. You'll never, ever have to go to the post office again. Personally, I use stamps.com, um, to send out all my posters that I sell up to some of my shows.

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Dude, that guy, you look, I've never been more wrong about somebody than Pete Carroll. Maybe Drew Bledsoe. When we chose Tom Brady over Drew Bledsoe after we won our first one and we traded him to the Buffalo Bills, I was like, that guy's going to come back to haunt us. I was wrong. It never happened. And Pete Carroll, I was one of those guys going, you know, even after he was doing well at USC, I was like, dude, you know, we, you know, he's not a pro coach, you know, and I can say that having never coached a fucking pro and a fucking pop water game. That guy is psychotically driven. And, and I, you know, those guys could win it again. If he's going to fucking be that much of a maniac that like he making that move to me says three days after the Super Bowl, his wife was in the other room crying, going, are you ever going to be happy? Right. He was already glazing over with X's and O's in front of his fucking eyes. I think it's great that level of commitment, although I have to say the championship ring that they made for their own fans. I mean, it's just, I can't, the douche chills when you look at that. Oh my God, the fucking ball washing and everybody is bought into how fucking loud they are. You could take Jackson, Jill, Jackson, Jill, Jacksonville, Jack and Jill, Jackson, Jacksonville Jaguar fans, put them in Seattle Stadium and they would be just as loud. I challenge every NFL fan to go to a game there, stand, stand in that crowd, listen to how loud it is and then turn around and look at people cheering. Just look at them. They're not up there like, like fucking with these crazy, they just cheering.

What they owner did was brilliant because it wasn't illegal. And I think that every other owner is going to do it around the NFL unless they do something about that stadium, which what are you going to do about it? It's already fucking built. That he just was brilliant. He's like contain this fucking noise and rain it back down on the field. You know, I'm not saying they're not great fans, but Jesus Christ, could you pat yourselves in the back anymore? Oh my God. I know when I keep doing this and I get total respect for P. Carroll and your football program up there. Obviously a program franchise up there. I think you guys, I mean, I don't know. It's obviously the little football that I watched. It seems once again that it's a no brainer that the Super Bowl champion once again is coming out of the NFC. And I'll tell you right now, if I'm a football fan, I got to be looking to that first matchup of these Seattle Seahawks against those San Francisco 49ers. Can the 49ers get over the hump? I mean, this is the question. I mean, there's rumors that Jim Harbaugh is losing the locker room. How can you sit and watch that? Anyways, all right, let's get to the week two, the schedule for next week. Let's see if he can find it.

Where the fuck schedules? All right, standing stats. Where the fuck is week two matchups? You know what? I think this, you know, can you make it easy for a fucking old guy, scouting, combine, draft, playoff, playoffs, team schedule, oh, regular season schedule right there. Okay, here we go. Here we go. Week two. Oh, the Giants played Alliance tonight in Detroit. I have no idea who's going to win that. I don't understand why everybody's questioning Eli Manning. How many fucking Super Bowls does the guy got to win? All of a sudden he doesn't know how to play the position anymore? Fucking New York media. That's the problem when you got 15 papers all in one town. They always got to be constantly stirring up shit. Nothing they don't do it in Boston. Believe me, I know they do. All right, here we go. This is all week one stuff. Where's week two? What the fuck is it? I don't know, Bill. Why don't you just yell at your computer? Text the size triumph? This is why I need a fucking assist. I got to do something here because this should not be this difficult.

September 4th through the 9th. Complete week one schedule. Where the fuck is the week two schedule, you cunts? Can I scroll this way? This is bad. This is really, this is awful. No, is this it right here? No, that isn't it. All right, I'm not going to torture you guys anymore. Jesus fucking Christ. I can't. You know what? You didn't want to hear my picks anyways. You didn't want to hear my picks anyways. I'll tell you, I'll give you my predictions for week two, week two pregame football analysis. And now off to New England where shockingly last week they lost decisively to these Miami Dolphins of the Dolphin Miami County, Dane Wade fucking area club. I'll tell you right now, what do you think is going to happen when they come in and they play the fucking, the fucking Austin city isotopes? What do you think is going to happen? Well, I'll tell you right now. You know, I mean, I mean, look, we all know what Tom Brady can do. We all know Bill Belichick is a genius, but I'll tell you right now. I mean, I mean, talent or no talent, I mean, you got to be concerned about that second half. I mean, they're lifeless out there. It's going to be a lot of that shit.

I mean, if they lose today, they're going to the first time in the Brady Belichick era. They're going to be doing that for a fucking hour, not for an hour. They'll do it for a little bit. And then they're going to, I don't know what the fuck else they're going to talk about. I see the world through my team and I know that they're going to be doing that shit, or you can just skip all of that. You can go fucking work out at the gym, right? Go for a hike with your fucking dog or some shit and you can come back. The wonderful world of fucking DV. Ah, you can come back an hour before the game after the game started. You can just plow through all the fucking halftime, everything and just get right to the third quarter, right? Let your wife watch the real housewives during the first half, you know, and you just make before you go out to the gym. You just say, listen, sweetheart, you grab it by a handful of hair, the back of her head. You say, listen, if you fucking shut off the recording, I swear to God, I'm going to have you live under the coffee table. No, joking. Joking blogger world. Anyways, that's the podcast for this week. Go fuck yourselves. I will talk to you next week and my prediction tonight is giants always get off to a slow start, a notorious slow start.

The D's Detroit lions of the fucking greater lion area code have been gradually improving throughout the years, but do they? I have no idea. I have no idea. For some reason, I'm going to just, you know what, bet against me. I'm going to pick the lions. All right, there you go. All right, go fuck yourselves. Oh, and there's the phone. Talk to you next week. Ikea, tip of the week.