Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 9-9-13

Episode Date: September 9, 2013

Bill rambles about falling on a rock, hairy chests and shooting wild pigs.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's the Monday Morning Podcast for Monday, September 9th, 2013. Is that what year it is? 2013? Absolutely it is. How's it going? How are you? Did you have a good week? I'm fucking out of it because I had to get up at five o'clock this morning and I had to do a bunch of phone calls for upcoming shows, answering all the questions, some good, some bad, some repetitive. But you know, it's what you do as a professional. You answer them every time like it's the first time. So how do you come up with your material? Is it something you write every day or is it more spur of the moment? What strikes you as funny? And then you got to go into it. Well, you know, I used to write, now I know, now I just got a fucking, you know, fucking tear drop coming out of your eye. But whatever. Whatever. So here I am. I'm fucking groggy. You know what sucks is I used to be a morning person. I really did. But granted, I also used to go to bed at like fucking 930, 10 o'clock at night because when I was a young fella, a little lad with orange hair, running around the playground, trying not to get the shit kicked out of me whilst bullying people smaller than me.

That's how you did it back then, right? You beat the shit out of me. I can't beat the shit out of you. I have this awful feeling. Oh, I'll take it out on that little kid over there, smaller than me. That's the way it was done. It was the 70s. There wasn't social networking. Okay, people couldn't get all get on and be like, Hey, sign this petition, man, and let's end the bullying. It wasn't. You just had to go to school every day and you fucking took it. And no local news reporter came down and I didn't get to go on the fucking TV with my stupid freckle face, you know, lower bottom lip quivering as I tell the story of somebody who beat the shit out of me. Nobody cared. All right. That was it. So anyways, now I'm in this fucking business. So I'm not a morning person. I just have a paper with everybody. I just get up with the crackle fucking done, you know, jump on a bicycle, be pitch black out in the wintertime. For reason, my fucking small balls off. Pre-pubes, pre-pubescent. How do you say that word? Fucking balls off. You know, nostrils sticking together. And nobody gave a shit. This is this is back when a child did that job that nowadays an adult has to do the job, either because the dollar is so fucking weak, or because that Chris Hansen has everybody so paranoid that there's some pervert with his dick out behind every goddamn tree out there. That's why you got fat kids, right? Did I do a bit about this back in my fucking earlier standup days? I can't even remember. I'm so tired right now. But yeah, we still do that shit. Parents didn't hover over children. Didn't have play dates, none of that shit. What it was was your mom fed you. And then there would be, you know, she gets sick of you right around when like the game show started coming on.

And then she would just open the door and just be like, your kids need to go outside. Go outside. And you just go outside. And there was other kids that were also banished to go outside. And then you'd link up. And then you just went about your business. You fought, you tied kids to trees, you threw fireworks at them, you played with matches, you threw shit in people's pools, you vandalized a new house that was being built. You know, sweet, innocent, fun, like Huck Finn and Tom Sawyer. That's what the fuck you did. But those days are all gone now. You keep kids inside and you feed them and you get them big and fat. That's what you do. Well, that was the bitter. You get them so fat that they're unfuckable, right? Isn't that what it was? I can't remember. What if there's a pervert who's into fat kids? You know, there's a lot of holes in my jokes this week, people. I'm not going to lie to you. So anyways, I hope you guys had a good week. How great is it that NFL football is back? I actually went to the Denver Broncos. Who the hell did they play? The Ravens. So I get into this big text battle with Paul Verzi. Paul Verzi is going like, dude, it's a lock. Take Denver, give him 10 points. It's a lock, dude, I called it and all this type of shit, right? Typical Verzi. And I'm sitting there going like, Paul, it's the first week of the season. Nothing's a fucking lock. You have no idea. Okay, you're throwing a fucking, you know, you're throwing a boat into the ocean. All right. It's not even an expression. But I like it. Okay, if you can't do the math on that, I can't fucking help you. All right.

Anyways, so he's telling me it's a fucking lock and I'm just going like, you know, 10 points. I know Ed Reed's not there. I know Ray Lewis isn't there. They still got a defense. They still got Joe Flacco. They got Ray Rice. I mean, Ray Rice can eat up a lot of goddamn clock and as good as Peyton Manning is, if he doesn't have the ball, what the fuck is he going to do? So I, and another thing that bugged me was everyone on ESPN was picking the Broncos. Paul Verzi's picking the Broncos. Everybody I know is saying the Broncos are going to kill him. Like this fucking team wasn't just in the Super Bowl last year, beating the 49ers, getting 10 points. So I said, fuck it. I think the Ravens are going to win. Well, not win. I think that they're going to cover. And the first half went exactly how I said it was going to go. Ray Rice was running all over the place, chewing up the fucking clock. Joe Flacco never looked good, but he was looking good enough. Defense had a big hit right in the beginning and things were looking all right. And then the second half came. And it was just, it was over. Broncos were like, all right, we can't run. Let's go into a hurry up offense. Joe Flacco looks like he hasn't thrown a fucking ball since the last one he threw in the Super Bowl. He's got his big contract. He got married. Let's say we blitz him every other play and see how he deals with this shit. And they fucking didn't make any adjustments.

And I sat there watching one of the greatest quarterbacks of all time, have one of the greatest performances of all time, and I could not enjoy it just sitting there knowing that Paul Versey was going to be right and I was going to be wrong. And I was literally sitting there, fuming for like 24 fucking hours that the fucking Ravens had no answer to the Broncos halftime adjustments. The fact that I was fucking sitting there with Paul Versey, I mean, with Jason Lawhead going like, dude, the Broncos can't run the ball. They should just fucking throw it now and throw it to the sidelines because he's fucking picking him apart. It's exactly what the fuck they did. I thought what's his face was going to settle down. Jesus Christ, Joe Flacco, I finally believe in the guy, never believed in the guy. I know it's only one week, but he looked fucking horrific. So I'm not saying he's going to be horrific all year, but anyways, long story short, I had a great time. And I really should have enjoyed watching Peyton Manning throw for seven touchdowns because that was a legendary performance in any era, even with the new rules of passing where you're just supposed to escort the fucking receiver down the field and get out of the way when the quarterback underthrows him and shit. It was still an unbelievable performance and I was actually had great seats and he threw a couple of fucking balls. They looked like they were coming at our seats and the receiver came back and caught him. You just got to see the speed of the NFL and how fucking accurate Manning was. It was amazing to watch it if I wasn't such a fucking grumpy cunt during the game.

And I got to tell you, I actually enjoyed watching the Patriots trying to figure out what we're going to do now on offense now that Gronk is hurt and Hernandez is looking at some serious jail time. I don't know. I actually enjoyed watching them play the fucking bills. I got to see a whole other level. That's what it's going to be this year. It's going to be watching Brady do what he does best, which is make people around him even better. And that's what the truly great ones can do, you know, and that's why I have issues with some people that they say are great, but they're just individually great. They don't make people better around them. In fact, they borderline, annoy people around them, Kobe Bryant. But you know, I'm not going to name names. So I don't know. We shall see. This is going to be a tough season for I think the Patriots. I don't know. I don't know how good we're going to be this year. It is early on, but but I'm all right with it. This is when you actually become a true fan when your team isn't a fucking lock. And I like that quarterback that the bills had. E.J. Manuel, I like the fact that, is that his last name? I can't even remember, but the fact that the guy can fucking run, but he didn't seem, he only ran as a latch as a last like ditch, like I just got to fucking run. He seemed like he tried to use his speed more to stay in the pocket and throw. So they look pretty goddamn good to me. And that's it for my boring ass football talk.

How'd you like that, everybody? How about a funny story, Bill? All right. How about the fact that I have a bruise on my back the size of a fucking softball? How'd you get that, Bill? Well, I decided to go hiking in the Rocky Mountains in the beautiful state of Colorado. I went up there with Rose Bowl legend, Jason Lawhead. You know, we went up there like we were on a second date. Let's go on a hike. Do you like hiking too? I'm so excited. So we decided to go on this fucking hike and I'm nervous going into the Rocky Mountains because I'm thinking they got bear, you know, fucking elk, barracuda, whatever the fuck they got up in there. You know what I mean? This is the real deal. This isn't like the fucking Hollywood Hills out here where, you know, I'm going to run into fucking Kevin Bacon before I run into any sort of fucking, you know, I'm going to run into fucking Louis De Palma before I run into even a bobcat out here. That's all it is. Maybe Lee Majors, if he's in a bad mood, maybe he'll fucking throw something at me. That's the worst I have to worry about out here. These are the fucking Rocky Mountains. All right. These are the mountains that they create cause light with. This is the real deal. So we're going in there, you know, with nothing but fucking, you know, our workout clothes. I have no weapon on me. Everything is telling me this is fucking stupid.

And we're in Boulder, Colorado, which I'm telling you, man, Boulder, Colorado, arguably the best, the most in shape people I've ever seen in my fucking life. We were sitting there walking up this, this, this hiking trail and we're all, you know, there's a part of me I'm fucking nervous because I haven't gone up there. I'm with somebody who hasn't gone up here. This has all the makings of one of those readers digest. I almost fucking died stories that they have in there. And all of a sudden this fucking lady, she had to be in her late fifties comes running down the trail. People not walking, running, wearing those sneakers that look like feet that are fucking annoying, but you have to look at them with this spring in her step. Like Walter Payton running on the balls of her feet came running by barely breaking a sweat, big smile, fucking glow in her face. Hadn't let life beat her down or anything. It was unbelievable. And I'm like, I mean, Jay, but at that point we'd been in, we'd been in Boulder for like three days. We did the show at the Boulder Theater, did two shows that were fucking awesome, unbelievable crowds, great theater, part of the Billy Red State tour, the rescheduled one and everybody showed up and it was awesome. The next day we went to the Broncos game and then this was the morning we were going to drive down to Colorado Springs. We were like, well, we got to work off all the booze we drank at the Broncos game.

So we decided to go on this fucking hike. All right, all right, I'm back on track here. So we go into the wilderness with no weapons or anything. And you know, I'm nervous. I mean, that lady running by made me feel good. But for half a second I'm like, is she running from a mountain line? Because people where I'm from in their, in their early 30s can't run that fast. So we go up the hill and it's just amazing. It's fucking amazing. Like, it's so beautiful. You're like whispering. Like, oh my God, look at those fucking little view, like that type of shit, right? But I'm also nervous. Like, I just got this feeling like, I don't know, like I just don't want to get my face ripped off. I mean, call me weird, call me a coward. I don't give a shit. Getting mauled is not on my bucket list. Okay, that just sounds so much worse than getting stabbed and shot because it like get you get stabbed and shot for them unless you get riddled or stabbed multiple times. For the most part, you have a wound, but it's it's in one area. One of your limbs hurts. The other three can still use you get mauled. That is just an all encompass encompassing like it's like you went through a paper shredder. All right, I don't need that. So we're about half hour into the hike. And I'm like, wow, I'm a half hour into the Rocky Mountains with no fucking weapon. And my guide is a fellow stand up comedian. So we decide to sit down on these rocks. I'm like, let's sit down, just take a break because we're fucking winded because we're middle age guys were out of shape and we're a mile high, right? In Denver or whatever, Boulder.

So we sit down on these rocks and I'm like nervous looking around making sure there's nothing deciding to fucking pounce on me. And all of a sudden I hear a car drive by and I'm like, what the fuck and like a hundred yards away. There's like a road. And then I looked over another 20 feet and it was like a picnic table. So evidently this fucking trail we were going on. This isn't like some deep forest shit. Like we pulled off the road evidently we could have just kept driving and gone all the way up to the top. So in the trail we're on crosses the road a couple of times. So we're totally fine for the most part. So I see the picnic table and I point at it to Jason. We just start fucking laughing because we're sitting down on these rocks like we're Lewis and clock and we're in the middle of nowhere and we're fucking we're right there. We're in the middle of civil civilization. Long story short, we get all the way up to the top.

We're standing on these rocks. We're looking down actually looking down into what was it Finley Stadium whatever were the buffaloes play. Absolutely gorgeous. We're so high up we could see the Denver the skyline and Denver it was fucking awesome. So we start walking back and we're coming down the trail and it's you know really loose kind of dirt and we keep slipping but we're all right. You know we keep regaining our balance at one point. Lawhead slips to the point where I thought he was going down and he was able to recover. You know he was an athlete. I said I said that was nice. You can see you know you played hoop yet you got an athletic background. I said had you been Joe De Rosa. I'd be carrying you down off the mountain and we were sitting there laughing at Joe right because that's the kind of friend I am. I throw my friends under the bus when they're not there to defend themselves. So wouldn't you know karma comes back and bites me in the ass like a fucking minute later. I'm standing there taking a picture or something and I go and I take a step or two dude and I'm telling you it's like somebody took my legs out. I don't even know what happened. I just fell and I landed on a rock like first of all my elbows scraped first on my right arm and it pushed my like hyperextended like I almost snapped my fucking humorous and all I was doing was falling from a standing position down to the ground in the dirt but they just happened to be this fucking rock there.

And I almost and I think I would have broke it but fortunately the rest of my body hit the the other part of the rock basically just imagine jumping up in the air so you're horizontal and then just landing on the rock with like a baseball size part of your back. Dude I wish I could recreate the fucking noise I made and that was it. I was just down and I was down for like a good 10 seconds. You know like when when somebody gets knocked out or knocked down when they're boxing and they kind of sit back up at four seconds but they wait till the nine and a half second mark to fucking stand back up. That's what I did and law had was going like dude you're all right you're all right and I kept saying yeah and I wasn't and so I start walking down the hill and I'm kind of laughing because I feel like a fucking idiot but laughing at this point hurts because I guess you use those muscles in your back and I don't know about 30 seconds later lawhead's going yeah dude I can see blood coming through through your fucking t-shirt and yeah it was gross by the time I got down to the bottom like my fucking t-shirt was like stuck to my back and you know but it wasn't bleeding profusely it was more like the cut was more like a scrape because after I landed on the rock I then slid down it. So I lifted up my shirt and I go how bad is it and I knew it was going to be bad because I knew what I did and not to mention I'm a pasty fucking redhead and we don't bruise we look like you know we're somebody with pigment would look like they had a bad bruise we look like we got bitten by like a fucking Mako shark that's basically what I look like. And you know I shook it off went to the pharmacy got some neosporin slapped it on my elbow left it off the back figure the back was fine and then I went and I got a salad and that was my fucking Denver story how was that. So my back has been killing me the last couple of days and it's weird when I. The only time it hurts is when I go to stand up I got to make a noise I'll make the noise for you let me see if I can get it that hurts.

Of course now it doesn't hurt. I think I did it I freed it up. All right that was a big those like herald looking into that safe sorry about that. Anyways let's get to some fucking advertising for this week everyone I know this is kind of a disjointed podcast this week. Because I got up early with a fuck is it for Christ's sake though come on come on can we do this all right. Dollar Shave Club everybody you know there are so many things in the world that irritate me. You know slipping falling on a rock in considerate cunts the fact that I have a motorcycle license but I'm too scared to get one and drive one down the street. Well actually no you know what considering what just happened to me from a standing position I can't imagine going 40 miles an hour and falling on the tar.

That bugs me not being able to gas your own people you know what's the world coming to when so many things can irritate you why add razors to the list it's time to stop milking your razor blade. I know with brand name razors you're used to paying outrageous prices and so then you then exhaust those razors until they start to look like a rusty soda can. It's time to move on everybody Dollar Shave Club delivers amazing quality blades to your door for just a few bucks a month. Never think about it again they send a pack every month so you can change your blades every week. I love these guys and your face is going to love them too they've always got a fucking come on bill they always got a new product. Oh they also got a new product called One Wipe Charlie's it's a butt wipe for men and it's classy as opposed to those unclassy butt wipes you know the ones I'm talking about check out the video for that and sign up for your razors today. Go to dollarshaveclub.com forward slash burr that's dollarshaveclub.com forward slash burr or go to billburr.com and click the dollarshaveclub banner and what's next Hulu plus everyone. I'm sure you've tried Hulu dot com but I want to tell you about Hulu plus Hulu plus less you watch thousands of hit shows anytime anywhere streaming on your TV or go with your smartphone or tablet.

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I mentioned that you know what's the deal that they got a little. Again some shit there for gas and their own people I don't understand that whole thing if you don't sign a treaty saying that you're not going to gas other people. I guess maybe they did I tried to figure out whether they did or not and I got onto this colored map of the world where they had people who signed it people who signed it and said to hell with it and people who never signed it and then people who sort of signed it. And there was all these colors and these graphs I can't figure out if they signed it or not but let's just say for the sake of the argument that they went to the Geneva protocol in 1949 and they decided that they were going to sign that thing and they weren't going to gas people. Now as far as how it's written isn't it written that basically you're not going to get you don't gas our people and we won't gas your people. But is there anything in there that says you can't gas your own people. I'm not saying you can you should do it but those are your people right like if I go out and buy myself a new outfit you know to show off my figure. There's nothing preventing me says I can't go out and go jump in a mud puddle right this is my fucking clothes.

Now if I take those clothes off and then throw them in some old ladies face now now there's a problem. But if I just roll around in that mud puddle I'm just doing damage to myself aren't I. I don't fucking know how dumb do I sound right now. Well you know what you're dumb too fuck you. It's a legitimate question. I don't understand why you can't gas people you can't do that but you can fucking fire bomb cities and you can strafe people. You know you can do area bombing oops did that land on a nursery with babies why can you do that. You know it is I think it's too easy.

I get it chemical weaponry that's like the PEDs of mass murder. All right don't just send that's what it is being able to gas people that's like everybody gets their own ribbon. OK you know what I worked it out you don't need to write in but if you want to write in I'd love to talk about it something fucking different. Hey do you see that story ESPN had that they ran with I guess very little facts at least according to the very pissed off woman that I wrote. I read her little article about it. They were trying to claim that Bobby Riggs threw that match against Billy Jean King. I'm showing my age here. I mean I don't remember when this shit happened but back in the 70s they had the battle of the sexes and Bobby Riggs a former champion 55 fucking years old plays Billy Jean King 29.

Number one seated woman's player in the world at the time and he played her and he lost and evidently that was some sort of big thing for women that a woman in her prime could beat an old man at tennis. So now somebody was trying to claim that was fixed. It sounded like bullshit that he threw the match because it's saying that I guess he played the number two woman in the world and beat her handily. But there's a big difference between number two and number one as you saw yesterday with Serena and what's her face that she played. They fucking battled for the first two sets and then Serena just took over was like fuck this. You know it's so fucking hilarious about Serena Williams is when she's playing tennis. I swear to God it's just like she doesn't make too many noises but she just looks like I would duck if she hit the ball. You know it's like a fucking linebacker out there right.

But then the second she wins the match she turns into a girl again like oh my God. She puts like her one hand up and starts waving jumping up and down really girly like but when she's playing the game I swear to God. It's like you could she could fucking kill somebody so she's playing this other lady and I'm telling you they were playing like dudes. There was some volleys a couple times they went to the net but pretty much they were just at the baseline just power shots fucking homerun hits. I'll tell you I was watching the Packers 49ers and I started flipping over just to see you know I mean how often you get to see a legend playing. I mean she went she just won her 18th major I think so she's closing in on Steffi Graff and then after Steffi Graff is that Australian broad. I forget her name I know the guy what is it not Stan Smith Rod Leyva he's won the most of any guy. What the fuck's her name Margaret or Meg she's got some one of those old people fucking M names.

So she's closing in on her so I wanted to watch a little bit of that it was a fucking great match. I had a fuck that I get on with this but whatever that you know that that's always bugged me that Bobby Riggs thing when Billy Jean beat Bobby Riggs like that proved something. See women in the prime of their life are just as good as men whose dicks don't really work anymore and are in the early stages of prostate cancer. They can beat us at badminton a faster game at badminton so I don't know so some some woman wrote this article you know it doesn't matter whether it was fixed or not it doesn't matter anymore like. The problem with women is they actually give a shit what guys say you got to be like guys if you really want to become free of men this is what you have to do two things you have to stop giving a fuck what we say. You have to talk down to us more and then what you have to do is you have to start your own shit. The problem with women how many am I pissing off right now is you keep trying to join our shit. You know we have a gym we have the water buffaloes club and there's no women allowed you should be like great.

Get the fuck out of the house go down there the same way we would you think we give a fuck that you have a woman's only gym. Go down there do a double session get the fuck out I don't care especially now with all these great ways of taping TV you can watch all these fucking games. By all means you know beat it right you know just get out of here you guys you got to start having that fucking attitude because that's that's that's the genius of guys. Is we act like we don't give a fuck about you but we do but we act like we don't. And we act like what we're going to go do we're excited about it and you guys drink that Kool-Aid and you actually think what we're doing is exciting so you want to become a part of it. You want to join our dumb gyms right you want to join our fucking golf clubs because you think there's something going on that you think you're actually missing out on something you're not. It's a bunch of stupid guys walking around scratching their dicks every other fucking sentence why would you want to be around that. I don't want to be about a bunch of women I don't even know what you guys talk about to me it sounds like a bunch of birds fighting over a French fry.

I don't want to listen to that shit. All right. I love all like I'm berating you guys out of fucking nowhere I thought I thought I was beyond this in my life evidently I'm not. All right let's plow ahead here everybody you know what I did this this week I really watched the offensive line of the New England Patriots that's what I did. And I actually liked what I saw man I thought they were protected Tom really well and I think if you're a true if you're a true football fan if you're too fanny a team you should know your offensive line to the point where you actually recognize them when they go down the street. When they go down the street you know if you actually know what who what Ryan Wendell looks like or Dan Conley Logan Mankin's nobody knows these fucking guys Nate soldier. I know what they're saying the fucking names right because you never hear him you know why because they never get busted for holding Sebastian Valmer right. I actually paid attention to the offensive line this week was the first time in 30 years of watching football 35 fucking years.

I actually noticed in the huddle how they're lined up how the offensive line is lined up where they just turn right around they're right in position and it's like of course they are bill you dumb fuck the clock is ticking. What do you think they just all go into the huddle all willy nilly. Is that because you never played organized football I played for a few weeks. I actually played for a few weeks. This is kind of a sad story and then Daryl Stingley got paralyzed and my parents got freaked out and they they. And actually got to tell you you know they had the foresight to see what I was doing in my brain playing football and they also saw my athletic ability so it's just like you know they were like he's already kind of dumb. And he's not the most athletic person so why would we want him to sit here smashing his head into another third graders head. Let's have him play baseball.

Take me out to the ball game. Hey how about those Red Sox huh. God damn it I wish I was watching baseball this year you know excited I would be. I'm not going to lie to you I'm going to jump on the bandwagon come October. I always watch October baseball anyways. I love it like I don't know if they have extra microphones or whatever but there's just the sounds of the ballpark is better. But you know taking three out of four from the Yankees that's pretty fucking impressive. And I really am kind of amazed at the fact that that trade with the Dodgers worked out for both teams.

That's so rare in a blockbuster trade that it works for both people. That should have been like great for one team and horrific for the other or it's just sucked for both teams. Like that's what usually happens in a blockbuster trade. It either works for nobody. Bill you just said it you don't need to repeat it but very rare does it work out for both teams. I don't know why those superstars started playing for the Dodgers but I'm glad they did. I've always liked the Dodgers and I'm glad that we saved a bunch of fucking money and whoever the hell we have on our team is evidently playing fucking great. Could I say evidently one more fucking time with this podcast.

Evidently I can't. Let's plow ahead here. Oh I was watching some great YouTube videos last night. I've become obsessed. Let me see I don't even know his fucking name. It's great I've become obsessed with them and I don't even know his fucking name. What the hell is it for God's sakes. What the fuck is this guy's name.

You know what I just this is this is why right here I at some point need to bring somebody else into the fucking fold so I can actually. Where is it here we go put this on here and then we hit mute so enough to pay any money for the fucking song. Where the fuck God damn it. Oh there it is. I've become obsessed with this drummer James Gadson. He basically a lot of people if you're a Bill Withers fan I highly recommend downloading still still Bill. It's incredible fucking album. Bill Withers is one of the greatest singers of all time and I also think unbelievably underrated as a singer and he's got this killer drummer James Gadson.

And just I don't know that guy just doesn't get the attention he deserves. So long story short I started you know YouTube and him and watching and playing. There's not a lot of stuff on them's like videos and shit of interviews with them. And that led me to one of those great YouTube runs where you don't end up on a slap fight. You actually start to learn stuff. And I came across this other drummer like Fred Fred Bellow or I don't know how to say his fucking name which led me to this concert film. And Otis Rush singing I Can't Quit You Baby that Led Zeppelin did a remake of called I Can't Quit You Babe as opposed to I Can't Quit You Baby. So that's how they switched it up and then that's why they never paid Otis Rush until they settled out of court.

I don't know if that's true if they had to settle out of court with him I know they had to do that a couple of times. But Otis Rush one of the greatest live singers I ever heard and he plays guitar left handed and he doesn't string it. He plays a right handed guitar upside down and did not string it the other way he just plays it upside down. Strung right handed and the only other guy I knew who did that was Dick Dale. I didn't know there was someone else who did it but he's fucking unbelievable. I'm going to send you a link to this concert film on the podcast this week because you really should see it and should know about this guy in case you don't know about him. And also I want to know what concert this is if anybody has any information on how somehow I can watch the whole concert because it's crazy. It's crazy it starts with you know this older black dude who's like playing like boogie woogie piano and you see he's part of that generation.

And then it kind of leads into these guys who are more R&B guys and it's right before I don't know it seems it's like right around that time right as James Brown was coming out or whatever. But it's just a great period where people can actually play music and shit play instruments and sing live it's fucking awesome. And then they're playing performing of course to this horrific white crowd that is just sitting there like their entire lives have been mapped out in front of them and they made no decisions and they have no passion in life. I don't know what it is it's fucking embarrassing but it's incredible concert footage. Alright I'm done running my fucking mouth. Let's go to some of your questions and information this week. I got a ton of shit last week by saying a pork shoulder was actually the ass of the pig. I guess it actually is the shoulder.

I guess a Christmas ham is the ass or you can eat it on Thanksgiving just a ham is the ass of the pig. So this guy says Bill I love your podcast. I'm a former butcher and I wanted to correct you on your smoked shoulder comment on yesterday's podcast. A pork shoulder is the front shoulder on a pig. The confusing part is they are also called pork butts. It's not the butt. The butt of the pig is the ham. This helps blah blah blah.

Well you know what can you write back? Why do they call it a butt then? I have no idea. Why do they call it that? All I know is it's fucking delicious. As is the ass of the pig. I eat the whole fucking pig. Whatever the fuck the bacon is.

Do they have classes like that? Do they have a class that teaches you how to butcher an animal? In case you know whenever the dollar collapses and I'm out there. I know how to shoot a bow and arrow now. I know how to fucking gut a fish pretty well. But I'd like to know how to fucking shoot a wild pig. Hey fuck this. I'm on the Billy Red State tour people.

I'm coming out to El Paso. I'm coming out to San Antonio. If anybody out there goes wild boar hunting. I want to do that shit. I want to do it but I don't want to fucking kill one just for the sake of killing it. I want to fucking kill it. Clean it. Do the whole fucking thing.

You make me do all of this shit. I'm out there probably don't like it. I'm doing it not to do it all the fucking time. I want to have that skill. All right. Basically I'm slowly I want to become a diver. I want to know how to fire. I already know how to shoot a fish with a bow and arrow.

Sort of. Okay. I know how to load a gun and shoot it. Sort of. I got some vegetables growing in around my house. Kinda. So if I know how to take down a fucking pig. And got that fucking thing.

Right. Sort of the same shit I would think. And then all I need to do is get a helicopter license. And I'm good to go. I know how to ride a motorcycle now you see what I'm saying. So you got fucking. If you have a helicopter. What I love about the helicopter is you just go right up.

You can escape so easily. It's almost like you literally know how to fly. We're like you know with an airplane you need that run and start. You know. I don't fucking know. But anyways if somebody wants to take me wild boar hunting. I do that. And a second.

I go down to LL bean and show up with my brand new. I'm going hunting shit looking like fucking. You know. Like those old Vietnam movies when you first get there and you. You buckle your chin strap. To your helmet and then all the grizzled vet veterans tell you not to do it. Because the concussive force of the shells is going to blow your

fucking head off. That type of stuff. Bill what are you talking about. I don't know. I want to shoot a pig. I take that fucking down. Clean it. Bring the fucking meat home and then smoke it on my fucking grill.

How much of a man I would feel like how much cowardice. I could fucking push down that I have. The pussy part of me would really be shut down. And I wouldn't have to listen to those voices in my head. And for a few minutes I could actually act like I was actually a stud. Hey fuck you I have my dreams. You know. All right whatever 40 minutes in here we go.

It's time to read some some of your letters. Seriously fuck your American sports. Another positive email here. Hi Bill big fan got tickets to see you in London in December. I got to take a time out here. The response to some of my shows pretty much all of them over there. Has been unbelievable in Europe and I can't thank you guys enough. We added a show in London added a show in Helsinki.

How crazy is that and some promoter in Estonia just asked me to add. I'm not going to be able to do it this time but I'm doing it next time. And it's been unbelievable. So I'm really really excited to go over there. I'm going to in this time rather than just go in there and landing. And you know being a zombie during the day I'm coming over like three three four days early. To get acclimated I'm going to actually go to Italy. I haven't decided where yet but I'm just going to go there and eat.

And I'm going to try and see an opera when I'm there in some old opera house. I don't have too much time to go there. I don't think I want to go to Rome and go to see the Roman Coliseum. I feel like that's going to Times Square. That's what I've learned in my travel. You go to New Orleans. I guess you have to see Bourbon Street but you really don't want to be down there. That's just a bunch of drunk tourists.

What you want to go down is you know what I'm not going to tell you the cool places to go. You got to go there and talk to the locals because I don't want to fuck up the locals good places to go. It's kind of like you know I stayed at one of the greatest fucking hotels I've ever stayed at when I was in Colorado. And I'm not going to tell you guys where it is. Because I don't want to ruin it. If you just by dumb luck discover it was fucking amazing. We stayed at this place for dinner. We had lamb and elk.

And it was this quiet town off the beaten path and they had this little fucking bar that we went to where like the bartender wasn't even behind the bar. She was over in the middle of shooting pool one of those kinds of things. And for the first time in my life like country music made sense. I finally realized I knew Willie Nelson was good. I didn't know he was that good. 00:42:53,000 --> 00:42:59,000 And I went up to the fucking jukebox and I just started every fucking legendary country guy that I knew. You know I threw in a couple of fucking rock songs or whatever but you know Merle Haggard all these guys and I wouldn't pick.

They'd have their greatest hits. I wouldn't go off that I go off I pick a different album and pick like the third track rather than the first track because they usually lead with the radio hit. I wanted to hear something different dude and I fucking loved it. So but then what was weird I got to LA and I tried to download some Willie Nelson and didn't feel the same way. You know so I'm going to download some fucking some of that shit for my drive from El Paso to San Antonio this week playing El Paso on Thursday. And then San Antonio on Friday. There's still some tickets left in El Paso. I mean they picked a really big place because it was either play a little place or there was they didn't have the middle ground one.

So we just picked a big place. I don't know if they're going to close out the balcony or whatever but there's definitely tickets left. But then after that I drive down to San Antonio. Listen to this fucking amazing week. And then Saturday I'm hanging around and I'm going me and Verzi are going on a couple other buddies. We're going to go to the Texas A&M Alabama game going to go see Johnny football go up against one of the great fucking college football teams. I mean the run that Alabama is on is fucking insane being an LSU fan and fucking annoys the shit out of me. But you can't not appreciate it.

So we're going to go to that game and that's going to be our week. So anyways so I'm trying to do more of that type of stuff when I do the road and as a comic it's great because you get excited to go on the road when you plan shit like that. And if you're excited you don't dry up. You don't start hating your act and you don't end up like just saying fuck it and hosting a game show. Not to say there's anything wrong with that and not to say that I would never host a game show. That might become a point in my fucking career where I just can't do it anymore. And I'll go on and I'll fucking host Card Sharks. The new Card Sharks with Bill Burr all of it higher.

You've got to risk all of it. 00:45:07,000 --> 00:45:08,000 And that could be fun. You know it's great about being a game show host. You know you've got a fucking fat ass fucking house with an in ground pool. And at that point who gives a shit right. And every fucking woman who comes on the show they fucking they they they they make you feel special. Oh my God I watch this show every day fucking kiss you on the cheek.

You can be a pervert like Richard Dawson and kiss him on the mouth. Who knows I might do that when I get a little older but I still got some fight me. All right this business hasn't dragged me in the boat yet. I'm on the hook without a doubt they're reeling me in but I'm not on the boat yet. They haven't fucking clubbed me yet. So yeah so that's my thing I'm going to go to fucking Italy and I'm going to go see an opera. Bring a little fucking handkerchief there and hope I actually it moves me. Rather than sitting there going like dude I don't get what they're talking about.

Why is he so fat dude that skinny chick would never hook up with that fat guy. I don't want to be that dude. So anyways let's get to the question here. I'm in the UK I listen to your podcast and I hear the names of these little teams and games that you have. That you have there. So last night I'm going to Bayard and I've been slowly growing this tiny amount of gambling money. Just small change just for fun and I thought I'd drop it on a banker that was played while I slept. And I have a little bit of interest in the morning.

Okay this guy I like this guy he's doing his little train spotting slang here and I'm trying to figure it out. Drop it on a banker means you want to put money on the game. So you put no money on a game overseas and while you're sleeping you're going to wake up and see if you made any money or not. Wow dude you just took gambling to a whole other you're a fucking international gambler. Dude do you have like a fucking white tuxedo that you get up and put on like Roger Moore. That's kind of fucking fun. That's actually you know for people have a serious gambling problem they probably didn't need to know that because the only time a serious gambler is not. Gambling is probably when he's going to sleep.

This motherfucker is in so goddamn deep he figured out a way to do it. I commend you and I also feel bad for you sir. That's fucking amazing so anyways he goes I went to my bookmakers bookmakers site and saw the Yankees beating the Red Sox eight to three. They were giving odds on the Red Sox nine to one in a two horse race and a one to one hundred on the Yankees. So I put the equivalent of $30 on the Yankees and thought ah fuck it's an extra 30 cents I'll have in the morning. So wait a minute you can bet on a game that's already going. So it's eight to three. Dude why wouldn't you have taken the fucking oh you did take the Yankees right.

Wait the Yankees were beating the Red Sox eight to three. I gotta I'm dumb people I gotta work this out. They were giving odds on the Red Sox nine to one. Okay so you gotta put up 900 bucks to make a hundred at that point or nine dollars to make one bill. They took out the zeros they tried to make it easy for you. And then the Yankees you throw down a dollar you can make a hundred. So you said fuck it. There's no way the Yankees are going to lose.

And let's see you could have made 30 cents you put down what 300 bucks. Is that how it works. What did you put down three three bucks. You put down three bucks you cheap fuck. You bitching about three bucks. Ah fuck I don't know what's going on in this. So anyways he said what what the fuck sort of Mickey Mouse bullshit team are the Yankees to fuck that up so bad it's brutal losing 30. Oh 30 bucks losing 30 bucks trying to win 30 cents.

Dude the math doesn't. Oh yeah that's right that's right. Yeah okay 30 cents. Imagine I could be fighting in a war alongside you guys with a bag of live hand grenades on my back. Yeah dude I don't know how you made the leap from fucking that game to fighting in a war. I don't know what kind of fucking asshole goes to sleep trying to make 30 cents. Serves you right you cheap fucker you should have bet the underdog. Wait you did.

No you didn't you bet the favorite. Well you know what your deal is you guys overseas all you know is the Yankees the same way over here all we know is what the fuck are they man united. That's the only team we know. I mean I know some of the arsenal or arsenal I don't know this Liverpool but I don't know what they're called. I just know man united Manchester United that's all I fucking know and you know what I don't like them because their shit's over here and they're like the fucking. I don't know I don't like the team that everybody likes you know fuck them. So I'm sorry sir I'm sorry you lost $30 trying to make 30 cents would that even buy you half a fucking cup of tea or whatever the fuck you're going to do over there. Buy you one chip for your fish and chip fucking breakfast.

Anyways but either way dude thanks for buying tickets to the London show. Like I said it really is humbling to have that if I can use that fucking phrase without getting trash it really is. The people over there give a shit and want to come out so I hope I'm funny. All right Ken Burns dear Billy boy I heard you talking about the Ken Burns documentary recently and wanted you to turn on turn you on to one of his documentaries that I have yet to see but I hear is great. For those of you who haven't been listening the past few weeks I've been slowly when I have the time getting through Ken Burns the war. It's all about World War II I think I'm through five episodes. It's a seven part series and it is absolutely fucking incredible the footage. I think a lot of the footage like they wouldn't show for the longest time like he really shows the it's not a propaganda film put it that way it's an absolutely astounding thing to watch.

It's so amazing it's actually caused me to I'm starting to read not only read but read about the war and for dummy like me to actually want to go out and start reading books. Although I had to take a break because it was so fucking heavy some of the shit that I'm right now I'm reading that guy from ministry I'm reading his autobiography and if you want to feel better about some of the choices you've made in life like maybe you think I'm a piece of shit I did this I did that I party too much. You got to read this guy's book you're going to feel like you don't have any sort of substance abuse problem. I'm not shitting on the guy the guy's fucking genius and I'm totally late to the party when it comes to great music from the 80s. I listened to so much shit music in the 80s and I completely missed out on all this amazing stuff that was going on ministry being one of them and what's funny is the song that I like the best. He hates and says he hates it because the people who like it are like people who are into metal. It's stigmata. I fucking love it and I like it because it sounds like a metal song with all this industrial shit going on.

I don't even know anything about it. He would cringe if he heard any of this but I actually had to put the book down and started laughing because he totally called me out as I'm reading the book. He was saying that it was just a throw away song but anyways it's on this album called the land of rape and honey which is avid was I guess is a fucking classic and I never heard anything about it because I was listening to Motley crew Theat of Pain when that came out. So anyways so he says let me get back to this so he says Ken Burns has another great documentary by the way I'm watching all watching all of Ken Burns documentaries. On Netflix I'm doing Civil War next but this guy's actually suggesting he's there's a new one called prohibition because I haven't seen it yet because I'm in the middle of a book about prohibition but I find the whole subject fascinating. Not only because it talks about how the majority of the working class were drunks but it gets all into the politics and cultural issues associated with drinking back in the day and how the breweries changed America. Also America also there are many similarities to the whole weed movement we see nowadays. Did you ever find yourself in a dry county or a state where you can't find beer in the grocery store with some of our alcohol related laws can be traced back to prohibition and the crazy shit that caused it.

Our drunken forefathers you know what's funny dude you're just like me you spent you spelled forefathers f-o-u-r as in one two three four isn't it f-o-r-e I don't fucking know. Our drunken forefathers would get out of their industrial jobs at the end of the day look to decompress a bit and stay in pubs all night. Soon enough these guys started bringing home STDs to their wives and banging all the whores that also stayed in the pubs all night. Their wives started getting upset and fast forward a bit and then you have prohibition. Some guys just ruin it for everyone. Really well I knew it kind of came out of the church I didn't know that I just heard somebody say that and I took it as law. Thanks for the heads up and thanks everybody seriously when you guys write in you actually I know we fuck around a lot of this thing but when you have something that will actually make you a more informed person or actually it's a great piece of entertainment please send it my way. Because I would like to do rather than just give out bad advice to you guys I would like to actually try to make your lives a little bit better on some on some level. And you know what here's a great way to make your lives better people legal zoom.

Oh what a segue snuck that one in on it and snuck that one in on you didn't I can you tell I've been up since five in the morning I can't even talk. A lot of price legal zoom everybody a lot of pride comes along with starting your own dream business absolutely I couldn't agree more legal zoom. But think about the stress you feel if you don't take the right steps to legally protect your business and personal assets from the beginning. That's why I William Burr recommend the legal zoom dot com during the past 12 years over a million businesses business owners have trusted legal zoom to help start their business. Legal zoom will save you a lot of time and money not only money a pile of money on startup costs plus they'll provide solutions to help you run a successful business. Legal zoom can provide self help services at your specific at your specific direction or connect you with an attorney but they are not a law firm just to let you know just go to legal zoom dot com today to see what to see what's right for you form an LLC. Get a DBA Incorporate or form a nonprofit all starting at just 99 bucks plus you'll save even more when you enter Burr be you are are in the in the referral box at checkout that's legal zoom dot com promo code Burr one more time legal zoom dot com promo code Burr. Is that it.

Oh no I missed one here. E voice everyone if you're an entrepreneur if you're an entrepreneur and a customer calls do you want to seem like you're in a high rise window view. Let's start this one again shall we let's give E voice the read they deserve. E voice everybody if you're an entrepreneur and a customer calls do you want to seem like you're in a high rise window view fancy pants office or do you want them to know you're sitting in your underwear. I think that's an easy one right with your E voice you can create the appearance of an entire building sales customer support tech support you name it it's going to seem like you have it. Give your customers the royal treatment with E voice E voice will forward business calls to your home mobile or any number you choose wherever you are E voice will find you. Don't have time to take a call no problem it's routed to your voicemail and you can read it at your convenience as an email if you like E voice not only gives you an edge over your competitors it takes away the edge the big companies have over you right now. And now you can try E voice for free for 30 days one whole month unless it's a month of 31 days but they make it up in February.

Go to E voice dot com and use promo code bill B I L L that's E voice dot com promo code bill or just go to the podcast page at bill bird dot com and click on the E voice banner. And there you go those are the ads for this week all right let's get back to some of your questions here or your information. Harry situation is what this one is called all right what are you guys thinking Harry situation he either did something he shouldn't have done and he's waiting for the other shoe to drop. Or he hooked up with a beautiful girl who's going oh natural. All right. Hey Bill funny show great. Great. That's what he just started with no punctuation whatsoever whatsoever.

Hey Bill funny show great. All right maybe this guy's from overseas or maybe he's down south and you can make that there by land. Who knows. He goes I have a question for your M.M. podcast my girlfriend who I've lived with for the last seven years is starting to constantly ask me to shave my chest. Oh I went the other way. Oh you went the other way. I'm pretty hairy but not fucking Chewbacca Harry just mainly my chest. This is not a problem but sometimes she won't have sex with me until I do.

Oh all right that's that's okay that's red flag number one for me. Unless you're you're not perceptive as to how hairy your chest is. It can take over an hour to properly to do properly and sometimes I can't be fucked after a hard day's work. So I just rub one out. I know times change because in the 70s Harry was sexy but now every pop star is starting to look more like a woman. I swear Justin Bieber is prettier than half the women I've banged. What do you think. Yeah that whole manscape looked I guess is is supposed to be in I have no idea but I find it odd.

I don't find it odd that your girlfriend is asking you to you know maybe trim down your chest a little bit but the fact that she won't even have sex with you. I don't know what happened. Did some pervert with the fucking full full chest of hair fucking lay down on top of her and do something to her like that's kind of weird to me. Like how do you think she would feel if you were like hey can you I don't know trim up here or there or I literally can't have sex with you that's kind of fucked up. She's really making you jump through some hoops there. So you're either way hairier than you're letting on. I get women being grossed out by back hair you know especially those guys who have it like up on their shoulders and then they just have like the two patches just above the kidney and just below the shoulder blade. There's those two like they got I don't know like they got hugged by someone who jerked off too much.

I would sit down with her and just be like listen I'm not going to say I'm not going to fucking shape my chest but it's kind of weird to me that if I don't you don't even find me sexually attractive. I mean what are you having sex with my chest or you into me. I mean I could see if this is a one night stand you like listen I'm into this I'm not into that do this do this and for the love of God shut the fuck up. All right you have your little grocery list on how you need what you need me to do to get you there I get that but if I'm in a fucking relationship with you. You know that's that's kind of a but you know you didn't really even ask that I don't even know what the fuck you asked me. It takes you an hour to do it don't they have like those fucking things you can just kind of I know that's weird that's fucking weird to me. I would I would that would be my biggest concern I would be asking her like what you can't even have sex with me. I you know what I understand on your face because some women have sensitive skin you know and you know if you're on top of her missionary style.

You know pumping away if you're out of shape you lean your head right down next to her. They can get a little razor bar on the side of their face I understand that if you have like you have like a beard if you have whiskers I fucking get that shit. Can I just do that again well I'm not going to do it because some people might hurt your fucking ears. I understand that but chest hair. Why don't you why don't you come up with like a compromise be like all right how about if my chest is too hairy we still bang I just do a doggy style. I promise after I get to where I need to go I won't collapse down on top of you. Making you feel like you know Bert Reynolds just got out of the pool and is using you to towel off I won't do that OK maybe you could do that. Or just sit down with her and just be like listen I'm not trying to be a dick here what is your issue with Harry Chess.

And because it's you know I you know it's funny I'm getting more weirded out by it by than you are I'm probably putting bad ideas in your head so I'm just going to shut the fuck up. All right military history. Oh this is a great one. Hey grateful red. I love it. Just when you think they've run out of creative ways. That's a good one. The past couple of shows you mentioned you enjoy reading about World War two just wanted to give you a couple of recommendations.

First I'd like to mention before he gets going I read that book fly boys which I swear to God is not about boy bands. It was by I forget who wrote it. Jesus Christ I'm the worst. The same guy did flags of our fathers wrote the same thing. Anyways the past couple of shows you mentioned blah blah blah books on World War two going to give you a couple of recommendations. First I'd like to mention Dan Carlin's part podcast Hardcore History. I'm telling you it's right up your alley. Dude good call.

I'm listening to that. He's covered many aspects of history from the Bronze Age to the relatively modern age. If he can make the Bronze Age which I don't even know what that is. Like I can't deal with you know the only people I can really read about from way back in the day which is basically anything before cowboys and Indians is you have to be a mass murdering psychopath. Like I could read about these the Inquisitions or the Inquisition. I don't fucking know if it's plural or not. I could read about that Genghis Khan. I could read about Attila the Hun you know basically the original Scarfaces.

I could read about those guys and but other shit you know ancient medieval history and the fucking Liliputians were going up against the fucking Persian Empire. I don't fuck. I don't know. I can't deal with that shit. So if he can make that interesting. I don't know. Maybe I could listen to enough of it and actually sound intelligent. Who knows.

So anyways he says what I suggest his series Ghost of the what is that? Ost Front. It's the mind blowing but little talked about conflict between the Russians and the Germans. Yeah they really do skip over that. In fact a lot of few people don't live in this country. A lot of what they talk about in World War two they do talk about Pearl Harbor which set the whole thing off but there's very they don't talk even about the Japanese that much the kind of Pearl Harbor. They were winning at first battle in Midway and then we're dropping the two fucking bombs and that's it. Then you watch Jaws and you hear about the Indianapolis right.

600 men go into water. Show me the way to go home and that's all you learn right. But they mainly talk about fighting the Germans and mainly D-Day. Basically from France going right into German concentration camp Schindler's List. All right Hitler kills himself in the bunker game set match wipe your hands of it. All right then we're immediately into the Cold War but they also ignore you know fighting the Germans in Africa fighting the Italians in Italy there. And how we went about it and all the stuff that happened and then they certainly don't talk about all we hear about the Russians is basically they just retreated and they drew them in. And then when the winter came they just mercilessly hacked them to death all the way back to fucking Berlin.

That's all we hear. I didn't know that they were just first of all as they were retreating they were blowing up their own bridges and dams and just scorched the scorched earth thing that they did. Literally destroyed their own fucking country so there was nothing there for the Germans. It was fucking brilliant and absolutely fucking ruthless. I would love you know what that's something I'm going to do on the road. 01:06:58,000 --> 01:06:59,000 What a wonderful suggestion as I got to there. You know what's great about those both of those will make me more informed and hopefully a better person.

Look at you guys paying it forward. Maybe I can give somebody some good advice here. Well let me just continue here says incidentally I discovered your podcast because of him. He was a guest on the Joe Rogan experience and I started listening to Joe Rogan regularly which led me to your glorious show. 01:07:22,000 --> 01:07:23,000 Yeah Rogan's done a lot for me. He really has when he hyped that that Yoko Ono thing I did that thing was like a year old and then he talked about it and then that was it.

01:07:35,000 --> 01:07:37,000 He's like he has like Oprah Winfrey level power. Like when Oprah Winfrey said hey man I don't think you should be eating red meat anymore and all of Texas declared war on her because she had that level of power. That's what Rogan is in like the podcast world. If that fucking guy says hey check out this thing all of a sudden like it gets a million hits. So I got to do something for him. What do you get for Joe Rogan? I should buy him a new pair of mitts. You know buy him his fucking vitamins for the week some sort of workout shit.

Nah nah nah he has all of that stuff. I got to go against the grain with Joe Rogan. You know I'd buy him a nice sun hat. You know really thoughtful gift like Joe I know you have everything that involves choking somebody out or ending their life if they fuck with you on any level. You know buy him a nice sun hat. Has anybody done anything to help keep the sun out of that wonderful man's eyes? I don't think they have. And I think he's comfortable enough with himself that he could accept the unbelievably awkward intimate moment of me handing him that hat.

You know what next time I do his fucking podcast I'm bringing him a nice sun hat. You know I don't know he might have a convertible. Who knows is there such a thing as a sun hat as a sun dress that I just invent a new fucking hat. There you go people right there look at me creating a whole new business creating jobs here at the Monday morning podcast. Either way listen to the Joe Rogan experience and when you're done doing that by the way me and Al Madrigal and some other wonderful people have started the All Things Comedy Network. If you like this podcast if you'd like to have a nice incredible wide variety of podcasts to listen to I suggest you go to the All Things Comedy Podcast Network and have a listen. Harlan Williams, Tom Papa, Baron Vaughn, Tom Segura with the fucking we got all kinds of people. Your mom's house podcast ever you would think I would have him in front of me.

Many van men there's all kinds of great one Harlan's Highway. All right here we go from a lady hiya Bill hiya kid lady listener here I have two questions in one email I hope that's alright with you. Well absolutely I'm just psyched that a woman actually is listening to this podcast and wants to contribute. I've been asking you guys borderline begging you you know to get out of the kitchen figure out how a computer works and send me an email but you just you know you're too busy making a sandwich for the man in your life which is what you're supposed to do. You know but you know every once in a while don't be afraid of the computer ladies. All right later listen okay the two questions the first one is about marriage. I'm just wondering how do you feel about it. I'm only 18 and seeing what it is doing to my parents recently is making me not open to the idea in the future.

All right well this is the thing just because your parents don't seem to have a happy marriage doesn't mean that you can't. All right I think if you go into to being married married for the right reasons and if you're mature enough which I've never have been. And I've been a fucking complete piece of shit with women and all that type of stuff and I've been an. As your 20s are coming up you know as your 20s are coming up you know you're going to meet some people that you're going to look at and that you're going to feel like you have a heart attack and. Don't fucking walk away from go up to that person just because your parents maybe haven't found true love doesn't mean you can't. And you know you can find true love and then if you work at it. And you do the things you're supposed to do what you learn naturally as you get older you can have a great time. You know is there anything better than seeing like two old people sitting together and you can see they still have that connection.

And they got to they literally enjoyed life together what I wish I knew when I was younger how important that was. You know I'm finally starting to see it through all of my fucking horrific mistakes that I've made in that category but like. I think you should be open to you should be open to your 18 you should be open to things I'm not saying drug use and being promiscuous and that type of things smart shit I mean. Finding love you should definitely be open to. Not happy particularly your parents and you're like this just seems like a lot of work to just be miserable. That doesn't mean you have to be miserable all right there you go so there's that's your first one all right my second question she says is about how and when one should introduce a significant other two parents. Just to give you more information my boyfriend's 21 and in the last year of college we've been together for about a year and five months. All right that's some scary math there depending on what state you're in.

Every time I'm going to hang out with him or have a sleepover at his house I've been making up an excuse like I'm going to a concert that ends really late going to stay with a friend. I can't seem to work up the nerve to tell either my mom or dad. I'm more worried about my dad because he's a fucking big mouth the whole family would know by the end of the night when he's drinking on weekends he likes to bring up conversations just to work on people's nerves in the house. I don't want my boyfriend to be the topic in the house for my dad to get on my nerves with so do I just go with the if it ain't broke don't fix it route and keep making shitty excuses until they either find out on their own. Or I move out of the house or do I just work up some balls here and tell them that I have a boyfriend. Well they're going to find out eventually and when they find out you're not going to have control over the situation. So I kind of got lost there were you you make up excuses to your parents and to your boyfriend. Let me go back here my second question is how about how do I introduce my boyfriend to my parents OK.

Every time I'm going to hang out with him or sleep over his house I've been making up excuse oh OK OK OK OK. This is what I would do they are probably the more you say I'm going to another concert that's going to end late they're going to figure it out how do you introduce. Your parents to your boyfriend I would just I would do this I wouldn't say shit to your parents other than I have a boyfriend now and I want to introduce him to you guys and I would leave it at that. Because your parents are your parents and they're going to behave how they behave. And then what I would do is I would give a pregame speech to your boyfriend and be like look I love my parents they're a little bit nuts. And this thing too you're probably going to overreact. You know you'd like the fear you have of what they're going to do is going to be so much bigger probably than what they're actually going to do. It's because they're your parents you want their approval and you fucking hate them all at the same time.

And it's going to be like just walking into a store like hello sir can I help you yes I'd like that shirt there you go that'll be nine ninety five thank you goodbye it's going to be at that level a little bit more. It's just going to be nice they're just going to be exchanging niceties OK that's what I'm predicting is going to happen. And then what's going to happen is when he when your boyfriend leaves he's going to tell you how nice your parents are because why wouldn't you. And then that's probably going to annoy you on some level because you're going to be like no they're fucking assholes you haven't had to live with them so don't do that to him either. I would take control of the situation and just introduce him. And if they ask how long you've been seeing him you know when you first say I want you to introduce I want to introduce my boyfriend to you and if they ask how long you've been seeing him. I don't know your dad drinks and he says shit you might want to lie about that I don't know I fuck him if he does don't lie to him say about a year and five months. And if they say well why haven't you brought him around just be like well dad because you have a tendency to get drunk and talk about everybody's business and it was really made me nervous.

That's why I didn't you can't fuck with the truth. What's he going to say to that. I don't get drunk and say all that type of shit. I guess he could be in denial. I don't know at some point you know what you have to do you got to like you got a man up or one man up and you just have to live your fucking life and you just have to understand that your parents are your parents to fucking awesome but they're just people. And you just really have to in a healthy way not give a fuck what they think anymore in a healthy way. Okay I don't mean like like I said go out and start doing drugs and being a fucking idiot. You should always care about not bringing shame to your family name but like as far as that other stuff like I wanted you to be a doctor but you're going to fucking I don't know open your own bakery.

I'm so disappointed well be disappointed OK because I don't want to fucking sit there vacuuming out somebody's ass or looking at somebody's toes or working on a brain whatever the fucking doctor does. I want to make pop tarts all right that's going to make me happy if you can't accept that then I don't tell you. All right people that is the podcast for this week I hope you enjoyed it. Here's the big old wrap up here now that the show is over. Don't forget to sign up for your what before I do the wrap up let me let me hype some of my gigs like I said I'm going to be at and we'll be in El Paso this Thursday night San Antonio Friday night. The following weekend I'm going to be in West Virginia Pittsburgh at the Heinz Theater and then I'm going to be up in Toronto Ontario at the just for last festival. And the week after that I'm going to be doing two shows at the prestigious Chicago Theater in where else Chicago Illinois. That's what I got coming up all right then I know I got a San Jose Seattle Arizona run in the beginning of October.

That's it all right OK there you go that's the podcast for this week if you like my comedy please download my special off my podcast of my I'm sorry of my website and if you'd like a hard copy version you can also get that makes a wonderful gift especially for someone that you don't really give a shit about but you have to get him a gift give my fucking DVD. All right here's the wrap up everybody now that the show's over don't forget to sign up for your free trial of Hulu plus Hulu plus let you binge on thousands of hit shows anytime anywhere on your TV PC smartphone or tablet. Support this podcast once again and get an extended free trial of Hulu plus when you go to the podcast page at bill bird dot com and click on the Hulu plus banner or go to bill bird or sorry or go to Hulu plus dot com slash bill. Once again that's Hulu plus dot com slash bill thank you for listening that's the podcast for this week go fuck yourselves and I'll talk to you next week. Yeah