Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 9-9-19

Episode Date: September 9, 2019

Bill rambles about the NFL, Vegas, and Dr Phil.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's time for the Monday Morning Podcast from Monday, September 9th, 2019. What's going on? How are you today? Oh, football Sunday started. Wa-pa-pa-pa, boo-duh, boo-duh, bi-di-di, bi-di-di. Um, I just got done watching the Patriots vs. Steelers. You know? 8.39 on a Sunday night out here on the West Coast, just got done watching the game. I thought the Steelers were gonna get us. You know, we usually start off slow. You know, we've beaten them so many freaking times in a row. I figured, all right, this is the time they're gonna get us,

and I don't know what happened. We looked, we looked really good, but it's also the first game of the year. So now they're gonna be like, Jesus Christ, did you see what they did against Pittsburgh? Are they ever gonna lose again in the century? You know, they're gonna do that. Who knows? Are the Steelers that bad? Are they fucking horrible? Is that why we look good? Or do the Steelers just have a fucking bad game? I don't know. Who the fuck knows, all right? But all I know is everybody on ESPN and all these sports things are gonna lose their minds.

I mean, I'll tell you right now, if they look this good, what's gonna happen with my editorial prowl gets in there? They're gonna be doing that all fucking day long. All right, so You know, we look good, we looked good, and we'll see what the fuck happens. And then they said how we have, we have a really easy schedule. Like the next like five or six people we play, none of them made the playoffs last year. Which usually, that means something in a sport, but with NFL and parody, and how much people fucking move around. Who knows? Who knows? I don't know. I have no fucking idea. All I know is it's a long goddamn year, and we'll see what happens.

And Antonio Brown's coming to the Patriots. Who would have thought? Who would have thunk it? Jesus Christ, condolences to people in Pittsburgh. I know what it's like when you get rid of a fucking player. You're like, good, shit man. He's an Oakland. I don't give a fuck. We're never gonna see the guy who gives a shit. I hope he has a great fucking career out there. And then all of a sudden he goes to the team. He can never fucking beat. That's happened to me a lot as a sports fan. So I don't know what happened with the Raiders. I talked to a couple people. You know what I think happened? I think that they were trying to fuck with his contract.

You know? They just kept finding the guy, and everything he fucking did, they were like, yeah, what did you do that for? That's a $40 fine. And then they had some loophole, I guess, in the contract, that if he, you know, conduct unbecoming a profession, I don't know what the fuck it was, and all of a sudden it voided his contract, and they were gonna try to keep him, and not have to pay him all the fucking money they said they were gonna pay him. Something like that. I don't know. I don't pay attention. I don't know. I didn't understand what any of the problem was with what he was doing. He didn't like the helmet. You know? He yelled at one of the owners, called him a cracker and said, I'll fucking kill you. I mean, he's on the Raiders. You basically suspended him for acting like an old school Oakland Raider. I mean, I can see if he played on the Chargers, where they have powdered blue uniforms, and everybody's supposed to be like,

hey, man, let's just throw the ball around, man. I don't know. I have no fucking idea what happened. All I know is he fucking, they let him go, and now he's on the Patriots starts next week. Crazy. Who knows? Who knows? But does that automatically mean that it's gonna be a fit? Who the fuck knows? But it's a great look for the Pats. Because even if it doesn't work out with the guy, we only have him for like, you know, a year. It's like going to Vegas and meeting some crazy broad. The fuck do you care? The second it's over, it's done. It's done. Jesus Christ, she was nuts. You see the size of that knife? You know, but it's over. You're back in your home state and nothing happened. You know, you got a couple of red marks around your neck. People say what happened. You're like, oh, I walked into a spider web. That's it. You go back to your fucking, you know what? That isn't it. It used to be it. Back in the day, it used to be it.

But not anymore. You combine social media and how much women love vengeance and snooping around. There's no walking away. You know, when I was a kid, you could fucking walk away. Shit went down. You walked away and then that was it. And then maybe on your deathbed, you brought it up. You know, not anymore. Not anymore. I saw it's a bad analogy. I have no fucking idea. I don't know what happened, but somehow he's on our team. God bless him. I hope he enjoys it here. And if he has, you know, I don't know, any issue or whatever, he doesn't like it. He's done in a fucking year anyway. So who gives a shit, right? I think it works out for everybody. You know, if he has a great fucking year here, then he can ask for the, I don't know, for the fucking moon again next year. Right? You know, I know there's a lot of takes on Antonio Brown coming to the Patriots, but I'm going to go out on a limb and say that mine was the most uninformed. And I don't even, I don't even think I just said anything.

I just didn't know you could act like too much of an asshole and get kicked off the Raiders. I mean, I'm old. You can kind of do whatever the fuck you wanted to do. It seemed back in the day, come to the game half in the fucking bag. They didn't give a shit. You know, you just go out there and clothesline a couple of people. It's fine. You know, can you explain your play in the first half today? I was still drunk. I don't even fucking remember it. I mean, that was the Raiders that I remember, but now it's a different time. You know, everybody's got to act like a country music star and have family values. I wish I was the owner of a team and some fucking player called me a cracker so they want to rip my fucking head off. I'd look at all the other players and that's the kind of passion I'm looking for in the locker room. I'm signing his checks. He's not afraid of me. He just threatened my life in front of my fucking wife.

It's what I'm looking for. You guys over there playing patty cake, shaking hands with the fucking players on the other goddamn team after every fucking game win or lose. The next fucking guy who walks by and he doesn't threaten my fucking life. I'll tell you right now, I'm shipping you off to fucking Jacksonville. Oh, poor Jacksonville. Huh? They got fools in there through an unbelievable fucking pass for a touchdown. Great pass, great fucking catch, and he gets fucking hurt. Why would it happen to him? I was watching that game early today when I was in Vegas before I flew back in time for the Sunday night game with the Patriots. That was a fucking tough game, man. It was a good game as far as a lot of anger, people beating the shit out of it. Somebody got kicked out of the game for punching this guy in his fucking helmet.

I think in the future, as they further protect kids, kids are going to go to school with helmets on. When the bully comes up and hits him, he just hits him in the fucking helmet. And also with the cage that you have around your face, people can't see you crying in there because it hurt your ear. It caught you in the ear hole. Injuries, let's look this up. Injuries, Jacksonville, let's go. Jacksonville Jaguars. Let's see, what do we got here? Nick Foles. I almost call him Eric Foles. What the fuck is wrong with me? He only came in and fucking beat the Patriots.

You don't remember his goddamn name, Bill? How old are you? And then they had that mustachio dude came in afterwards, and he completed like fucking, I don't know how many passes in a row, but they started talking about it at five. Tyree Hill got hurt. Shoulder injury. What the fuck was the name of his backup who came in? That's six in a row. You know the last guy that fell six in a row was twenty-eleven in a row.

The whole fucking game. And is that what you meant? It was still a decent game. It sounded like poor Collinsworth and Al Michelson. I did a masterful job calling it a terrible game as far as entertainment value. I mean, if my team was in the Patriots, I would have shut that fucking game off. They did a great job. But whatever. So here we go. Football season has started. It's week one.

And don't listen to sports talk radio because their job is to make anything you just saw be like, that's what it's going to be for the rest of the year. And they're going to start saying, well, how soon before so-and-so is on the hot seat? What's going on with the Cleveland Browns? You know, they're going to flip out about fucking everything and then whatever good happened is just going to be the thing. So who knows, you got to wait like four weeks before you start three weeks, four weeks before you start figuring out who's who's who. I would think I have no idea. I'm just happy my team won.

And I had a great weekend. I want to thank everybody who came out in Las Vegas, came out to my show with the Cosmopolitan. I had a great time. Did like 85, 90% of shit that isn't on my special, my new special, which is coming out tomorrow, Tuesday. This is tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow. September 10th on Netflix called Paper Tag. I'm very proud of it. The job that Mike Binder did shooting this thing is it's absolutely gorgeous.

I just love the way it looks. And hopefully people like the material. But if you don't like the material, just hit mute and still watch the job that the great Mike Binder did. So anyway, we went out and I had a bunch of friends show up to the show. I worked with a buddy of mine, Rick DeLea, that I started out with way back in the day, started out together in Boston. And the great Dean Delray, everybody fucking killed. The crowd was awesome. And so thank you guys so much for that.

And then I stuck around for an extra day. And oh, no, wait, no, that night we smoked some cigars. And then afterward I smoked a second one like an idiot, but I had to because Bobby Kelly was in town and me, him and Rick DeLea. You know, I don't know. Last time we got, we all three of us hung out. We went back. I had a little balcony on my room, little porch area and we just sat there just fucking laughing our asses off talking about all of these fucking horrible gigs. All of these horrible gigs that we did just one after another.

We sat for like three hours and just taking turns. And I thought I had heard all of Bobby and Rick's stories, you know, because I've known him for so long. And they told me a couple of like Bobby told one. I'm not going to tell the story because I don't know his story to tell, but the humiliation of the story. And I was like, dude, you never told me that. He goes, yeah. Tragedy plus time. I had to wait till we were fucking 27 years into this shit before I finally felt comfortable enough to tell it to you.

But, um, that was a great time. And we stayed, I stayed up with fucking layers to stay up to like 330 in the morning. And then finally went to bed. And, you know, I'm not drinking, but I still woke up the next day feeling like I got hit by a bus. I just can't stay out there. I'm just old. I can't do it. And, um, my lovely wife was out there and we went around, you know.

She went shopping and we had a good time and just, it was great. And then that night we all went to go see, uh, Elton John. He's on his farewell tour and the guy just absolutely fucking murdered. The guy played for three hours, 72 years old. The guy plays for three hours and he starts with a hit and just keeps playing. No opening act, no need for one, just one hit after another for three hours. And he comes out for like an encore. He's like, what does he have left?

I'm not going to say what he played for the encore, but, um, played two songs for the encore. It was fucking amazing. And he's even now at 72, you know, he used to jump around all the time, you know, doing those fucking handstands, wearing those platform shoes. It's funny when he walked across the stage and you see the guy, like he, he fucking gave people shows for five decades. And, you know, he's walking like, you know, he played a couple of seasons in the NFL. I love seeing old performers like that, man. Like this guy always understood that people paid money, got a sitter, took a night off, saved up their money.

I'm going to give these guys a fucking show. And, um, he was, he, so now, you know, he was, it was like when Pedro lost his fastball, he learned how to fucking, uh, pitch around guys. This is the same fucking thing. He can't do the handstand anymore. So he had added all this other crowd interaction, like repertoire shit that I mean shit that he'd put into his repertoire. It was fucking great. And, um, you know, it was mostly older people like me at the show, but there was a ton of young people too that, uh,

you just see like his fucking music just transcended. And then you had that fucking guy, um, the fuck says name, the percussionist that I've seen with everybody. He plays a tambourine and you fucking mesmerized. Hang on a second. Let me look this up. Elton John Percussionist. Oh, Ray Cooper. This fucking guy, I swear to God, I saw him the first time I noticed him because I didn't realize he was,

he started with Elton as far as his first high profile gig back in 72. I just thought he was this hired gun that they all use because I remember Clapton had him on his, uh, that unplugged special that he did. And I remember one time he was just hitting the tambourine on two and four and he was doing it with such level of intensity. He was just holding it like flat, like a table and he just had his hands all spread out like a fucking spider. He was just hitting on two and four. That's all he was doing. And I stopped watching Clapton and I was watching this guy.

Ah, Jesus Christ. I gotta put the fucking AC on, man. I don't understand. I've got some goddamn hot in here. Hang on one second. Hold on. Hold on. Jesus Christ.

Here we go. Here we go. There it is. Be running my fucking yap. Um, and then Nigel Olson, I finally got to see him play live. He had such a sick drum kit and I had the great seats where I could watch him play. But of course his ride symbol was blocking his face. But they did a really good job where they had a cameraman going around and sort of filming them as they were playing.

But it was, you know, checked that one off my bucket list because a few people have died recently over the last couple of years. I'm like, I never saw my David, everybody from David Bowie to Aretha Franklin. I'm like, fuck, I never saw him. You just take him for granted. Like they're going to be there and it's just like they're either going to retire or die. I guess dying is hardcore retiring. That's serious retirement because you know they're not coming back. And, um, when I went back to my hotel room last night and spoke yet another cigar, smoked four cigars in two days.

So now I'm fucking off him again. Stupid man. I don't know. You notice because I'm not drinking and I want to stay out and hang out and it's just, I have to learn how to do it. What do you do if you straight edge people, when you go out and hang out with people, you just stand there watching people consume shit. What am I supposed to do then? You just start doing shit out of boredom. You want something to eat?

Yeah. What can I get you? Fucking quesadilla. Then you become a fat fuck. This is, this has to be a modern day problem. You know what I mean? Back in the fucking day, I think, you know, you just were happy that you didn't get mauled by a bear or some fucking, you know, whoever rightfully owed the land didn't come back and fucking cut your head off while you were sleeping.

I think they, I think you had enough excitement. You didn't catch the plague during the day. I don't know. But I still had a good time. So anyways, I went back and I was smoking a stick cigar. I couldn't lay off, man. The balcony was fucking amazing. And I had a view of the, where the water goes up, you know, the fountains there in front of the, with the old Bellagio.

Was that what the fuck it was? Monte Carlo? I can never remember the names of them anymore. And I looked down the strip and I saw at the, at the Flamingo, Donnie and Marie were playing down there. I was like, man, I would love to go see them because when I was a kid, I remember their variety show. And I'm fascinated with people that have been doing it that long and still come out and fucking give it their all and all that shit. I want to see what that looks like. And I ended up looking them up and turns out they were just supposed to do six weeks at the Flamingo.

And six weeks turned into a year contract as they sold so many tickets, which turned into another year, another year. And now they've been out there for 11 years and finally they're deciding like going, all right, this is it. We're done. And then there's rumors that they might fucking, um, I don't know, they might, uh, they might retire or whatever. It's like, I should go out and go fucking see them. You know, for those of you who don't know who the Osmond family is, they were like, oh, I would love to have Keith Robinson on my podcast and say this because I don't even know if this is true. They were like the Jackson five before the Jackson five. Everybody always talks about boy bands.

Go now they fucking ripped off the Jackson five. That may or may not be true. But as far as I go on the internet, these fucking the Olson family, uh, not also, is that Osmond? Sorry, the Osmond family. Think about those fucking twins. The Osmond family, they go back. Wait, I guess we'll see internet. Let's ask a question.

You'll always get a fucking answer. Um, who was first? The Osmonds, the whitest. Oh, it's, it's here are Jackson five. Okay. Who started first? The Osmonds, the Jackson five. This is fucking hilarious.

All right. The original Osmonds, Alan Wayne and Marilyn J started singing in church in 1959, 1962 on tour of the West for the Mormon church. They were discovered by Disneyland executives. Of course they were fucking whitest. They are the whitest people ever and hired Andy Williams saw them there and signed them to appear as regular singers on his NBC TV show. The original Jackson five made up of Jackie Tito, Jermaine, Marlon and Michael started out doing shows around their hometown of Gary, Indiana. Diana Ross saw them in 1969 and brought them to the attention of Motown Records, which signed them. The Jackson's appeared on Williams show and on the Ed Sullivan show.

Yeah. So I thought that they were a little before. Um, talk about polar opposite families. Um, that would have been a great pay per view. Back in the day, they should have had the two of them, both two shows, giving it some clever fucking name or something like that. Anyway, that's why I want to go see those guys. And that's also why I love Las Vegas as far as you can see any type of entertainer you want to see is fucking out there. Just as far as where they're at in their career, you know, made it, crushed it, fucking had it, lost it, got it back, fucked it up, you know, never made it, you know, or haven't made it yet.

If you're going to look at a positive, you fucking see all of it. And, um, I don't know. It's why back in the day, I used to like kind of going from casino casino, watching the lounge people, taking in a bigger show, watching somebody that was coming up. It's, uh, and just the education you get. And I'll tell you those fucking older people, everybody tries to blow off me. Wayne Newton still doing shows out there. I want to go fucking see that guy. Um, because what happens is then they die and you're like, fuck, I never saw that guy.

I want to see what the, what the big deal was. I want to know how, you know, how do you sustain it? How do you keep it going? How do you be like the fucking Tom Brady, who just keeps going? Did you see those before and after pictures they show tonight? On the, uh, on the old television there? Don't break it. He's in better shape now than he was back then.

It makes no sense. I think he just sat around fucking eating Cheetos in his dorm room and then they took a picture of him. He had no son. Nothing. Pasty as me. Um, or maybe it was baby fat. He was so goddamn young. But anyway, uh, let's get to, uh, let's get to something else here on the podcast.

What else can I talk about here? Um, Jesus Christ, there are 20, you know, sometimes the fucking podcast, it just flies by. Absolutely flies by. So by the way, I have to keep reminding you guys, because this is, you know, going to be an hour long podcast here. Please watch my fucking special for the love of God so I can continue living the dream. I did say that to me before I went downstairs, did my show at Vegas. I was like, you believe, you know, do you believe that? I can't fucking believe this.

I get to do this for a fucking living again this year. This is awesome. So thank you guys for coming out. And I got some brand spanking new dick and shit jokes for you when you show up after you watch my special. All right. Um, final score of Patriot Steelers 33 to three, um, in defense of Ben Rothersburg, where I thought he looked fine. Steelers dropped a bunch of fucking passes, a bunch of passes.

Um, oh, they brought up an interesting statue during the game. Washington Redskins, there were two strike years in the 80s, and the Redskins won the Super Bowl, both strike years. And I guess Joe Gibbs, like, sort of embraced this when they had the scab players, he embraced it and Bill Parcells fucking hated it. And then they ended up winning the Super Bowl. It's just kind of interesting as far as like his attitude versus Parcells, how they alluded to it. And it was also interesting that Washington was never accused of cheating

or having an asterisk next to their Super Bowl titles because they were both wondering strike years. Because as a Patriot fan, I can guarantee you, if we ever won a Super Bowl during a strike year, there'd be some other fucking accusation against us. Um, because there's a lot of cunts out there, right? A lot of fucking whiny people out there when it comes to shit like that. I should talk, my whole podcast is nothing but bitching. Um, you know, it'd be great at doing his own podcast, because if you can just complain about shit for an hour, you can really make it entertaining.

You know who'd be great hosting his own podcast? Lewis fucking Hamilton. Jesus fucking Christ. When was the last time that guy lost a fucking race and he doesn't bitch mode and complain? I literally missed the fucking race and then I'm trying to see who won. I see LeClerc won again, second race in a row, Ferrari's won two races. Lewis Hamilton's still gonna win the fucking championship, right? But all the headlines were about was Hamilton's reaction to fucking something that LeClerc forced him wide or some shit.

Oh, I'm gonna have, you know, I'm gonna have a talk with them. Why are you fucking talking to him? Talk to the goddamn stewards. Whatever the fuck you call the people that run the race. That dude is such a fucking baby. He's an unbelievable driver. He's the fucking one of the greatest of all time. Absolutely.

Absolutely. But he is such a fucking whiner. Jesus fucking, just take it. You're still on the podium. Your team's got the most money. You got the best car. You're the best driver. You're gonna be fine.

Jesus fucking Christ. Dude, that guy whines more than me after the fucking blues with that bullshit hockey that they were allowed to fucking play, you know? But I feel like I'm allowed to do it just because I'm going to hold him to a higher standard because I'm just a fan. That's what they always do, right? You know what? I apologize to Lewis Hamilton. You know what? I should say, you know what?

We should both hang out because you're just as fucking whiny as I am. Every fucking time he's on the radio whining. He's literally whining during the race and then the fucking, oh, who's the fucking announcer start talking about? Who gives a fuck? I know he's not happy. Treat him like a fucking hot chick. You know, he's fucking annoying, annoying hot chicks. He's fucking, I was watching, I was flipping back and forth because I saw what a great match the final was at the US Open.

As you can tell people, I don't read books. All it is is just sports and then I have an emotional reaction to him like it actually matters. I have more fucking, I get more worked up about what the fuck happened in sports than how polluted our oceans are. I mean, what the fuck is wrong with me? I can guarantee you something that never happens. No scientist is listening to this fucking thing unless he's doing a study on dumb people getting mad at shit that doesn't matter. Anyway, I'm watching this fucking, the US Open. I missed the whole goddamn thing, but I watched some of the, I watched Nadal's, the match he won before he made it to the finals.

I really enjoyed like just tennis. It's so funny. People look at it like it's just, you know, non-contact light sport. It's fucking brutal. You know, you just fucking running around on the, when you play in the hard court, just being out there at their fucking age, just running side to side for hour after hour. Are they playing moments of five hour fucking match? Hey!

Uh! Hey! Uh! It's a fucking five hours. So anyway, Nadal, I was just looking at the score. He won a tie break to win the first set, which usually crushes the opponent, right? So he ended up winning the next set, I think 6-3 maybe or 6-4. And then the third set, this up and coming dude, like Medvedberg or some shit,

he wins a tie break to win his first set in the third set. And then he beats Nadal like 6-4 in the fourth set. Now they're going to a tie break, right? So I'm like, I gotta watch this because if this kid's doing this, you know, just out of the psychological advantage that Nadal had after he won that first one and who he is and how many times he's been there and this new kid that he dug down and forced it to like, to the fifth set. I was like, I had to watch it. So I was flipping back and forth because the Patriots Steelers had started.

And I'll tell you, you know, what's fucking annoying is, I don't understand, how many times can they cut to their pouty face girlfriends in the fucking crowd? I kind of get going to the coach, but the coach isn't allowed to coach. So then I just get to sit there watching him. I guess the game is when you look at the coach to figure out how he really is coaching. You can't tell me, you know, a fucking quarterback comes up to the line of scrimmage, called a certain play, and then he recognizes some fucking defense. And he always gives, he just looks at this fucking wide receiver who's been playing with him for a couple years

and they already know what's going to happen. You can't tell me the coach does not do that. I mean, you can tell me that, but I'm not going to agree with it. Even though I don't know shit about the sport. But they're always cutting their pouty face, beautiful girlfriends. We sit there with their stupid intense look in their face. Oh my God, if he loses this point, he won't be able to afford to buy me as nice a pair of shoes. Why are you showing this girlfriend?

I don't give a fuck. Um, anyways, congratulations to wrap. Is it Raphael or Raphael? Raphael, Raphael Nadal winning again. Nadal wins championship number, what is it, 19? Raphael Nadal beats his identity when us open men's final is 19th grand slam. I heard Serena got swept, um, but she's already the greatest of all time, like 23 or 24. So all right, with that, let's, um, my apologies to before you send in your fucking complaints to any pouty faced fucking girlfriend out there.

If they cut to you during a barbecue this weekend and you felt triggered by the fact that I would say that. All right, I got to drop this in. I forgot to read this during the podcast. Um, the final part of the five cities is up on YouTube, uh, shot by the great Andrew Thamelis. Thanks to everyone who has been watching it and liking it and all that stuff. It's, um, my European tour from earlier this year as I was getting prepared to do my standup special. Um, that is coming out tomorrow on Netflix case. I didn't mention it 5,000 times.

So check it out on YouTube. All right, thank you. Um, all right, here we go. Hymns. Wasn't us. It was Hymns. Um, 66% of, uh, men start to lose their hair by age 35. Well, you're looking at one of them.

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B-U-R-R. For hymns.com slash burr. Here's another one. I don't understand why when you watch a university of Texas, uh, football game and I was watching the LSU tiger bat, bat, bat, bat, bat, bat, bat. We finally got a fucking quarterback. Last year was not a few fluke and they're playing an uptempo offense. Um, I watched the first three quarters before I went downstairs to do my show and, um, I

had no idea that, uh, wait, Texas played the Aggies. Who the fuck did we play? I can't even remember. I watched someone's fucking sports. Jesus Christ, Bill. No, I thought we played, did we play Texas? No, we didn't. I don't remember who LSU played and I don't remember who Texas played and I watched both fucking games.

LSU versus, oh, what's Texas? That was the same fucking game. You know what it was because I was downstairs at the sports book and I was sitting there on the edge of my seat going like, is Michigan really going to lose the fucking army? Is this really going to fucking happen? Jesus Christ. And then I was like guilty. I was like, you know, I was rooting for Michigan.

I was like, am I not supporting the troops? Does that mean I'm siding with, with the evil doers? It was a very, very confusing time. Um, so I went, when I went down to, uh, go do my show, the LSU Tigers, what was it? It was 24-23 and in the fourth quarter alone, the Tigers scored 22 points and the Longhorn scored 17. It was like literally a game within a fucking game. Um, by the way, that kid for Patriot fans out there, old school guys, uh, Derek Stingley.

I was like, Stingley, you don't hear that name a lot. He is the grandson of the great Daryl Stingley that played for the New England Patriots. Um, I thought that was pretty cool. And his dad, uh, Derek Stingley senior, uh, played baseball and was, um, I think drafted by the Phillies. I think that's what I read. Um, anyway, oh, I don't understand when you play the Texas Longhorns. Why am I looking at Matthew McConaughey?

You know, dressed like he's doing the sequel to Dallas Buyer's club, except his character lives. Because now he's all jacked wearing a fucking cowboy hat. Um, there's so, there's so much shit when I watch sports that makes no sense. I'll tell you something else that didn't make sense, right? Um, I was on the internet there and I saw this thing. Dr. Phil talks about Kevin Hart. You know, I love Kev.

So I click on it and he's standing in front of this old fucking, I don't know, 56, 57, Chevy Bel Air and he's talking about Kevin Hart. So I'm like, well, fuck, maybe they have an update and the fucking clip was on TMZ. He's like, he starts it off. He's like, uh, I don't know Kevin Hart. Uh, but I've heard, you know, from everybody, he's just a wonderful person and, uh, I have an old car that also doesn't have a five point harness. He doesn't even know him and he's fucking, I don't even get it.

I don't know Kevin Hart, but I have money and an old car that I wanted to show everybody. It's like, you're not a doctor. I don't even think he's just, you're a fucking, he's like a game show host for crazy people. I saw a comedian do something like that one time. A comic died in a comic who didn't know the comic went up and did the benefit because there was a lot of industry there. Trying to make like a career move and went on stage going, you know, I never knew, I never met so and so, but I heard he was just like, well, what the fuck are you doing up there? Uh, I don't know Kevin Hart.

Fucking idiot. And as you can see on my car, uh, you can't put a five point harness on it because it's a convertible. Ladies, I have a lot of money. Um, I may be bald, but I have a big dick. I was waiting for me to just start going to that level talking about myself. That's why I have a convertible. I'm going to start weighing in on people like that. I don't even know, you know, I'd be one thing if he did it on his own TV show.

He went out of his way to get interviewed on somebody else's fucking TV show. But someone, I don't even know what the fucking point he was trying to make. I mean, granted, I watched like the first fucking eight. Once he said, I don't know the guy. I'm like, why, why are you in your driveway outside your mansion leading up against a shiny old car? Uh, as you can see, this wasn't the car in the accident. This is my car. It has a convertible.

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A polyamorous boyfriend or douchebag. Oh, wait a minute. Wait, I forgot to play my jingle. Here we go. Here we go. Come on. Oh, I don't really know how to sing, but it doesn't stop me from trying. All right.

What the fuck am I? Let's read some of this shit here. Polyamorous boyfriend or douchebag. All right. I got to fucking look. I don't even know what polyamorous means. Oh, monogamous. Metamucil.

I don't know what these fucking words mean. Polyamorous definition. Polyamorous demisexual. Polyamorous characterized by or involved in the practice of engaging in multiple sexual relationships with the consent of all the people involved. Yeah. Or in layman's terms, living the dream. I don't know anyone in a polyamorous relationship, but it sounds like a lot of fun if you have the right seatbelt. All right.

Polyam, amorous. What is a demisexual? Somebody wants to bang to me more sex positive demisexual. Demisexual or demisexual is polyamorous. Dude, this is fucking amazing. You know, I was a kid. It was gay and straight. That's it.

There was it. There was all these different shades and now they all have fucking names, you know, and it's just going to keep going. You know, they're going to figure out. They're going to see what kind of porn you're into and they're going to have to have like new fucking labels or everything. All right. All right. What, you know, I got to look at what is a demisexual? A demi.

You need to know this shit. You're getting fucking trouble by saying the wrong fucking thing. I'm a Dumu sexual. Not demisexual. A demisexual is a person who does not experience sexual attraction unless they form a strong emotional connection with someone. Jesus, you mean a fucking someone who was raised right? It's more commonly seen in, but by no means confined to romantic relationships. It's a person who does not experience sexual attraction unless they form a strong emotional.

Yeah. That sounds like a fucking well adjusted person. All right. Well, now I want to know the answer to that. Are demisexuals monogamous? Oh my God, there's gray asexual. What the fuck is that? Is that like when you're almost dead?

Not only do you want to fuck anybody, you don't want to live anymore? Fucking skin's all gray. I know it's not that little gray asexual. Gray asexual, spelled G-R-A-Y-A sexual is a sexual orientation on the asexual spectrum. Can you imagine the fucking work asexual people must get done provided they're not jerking off all day? I mean, if you're asexual, there's no fucking, you're just not in a relationship. You know, no fights. Hey, what do you want to have for dinner tonight?

Damn, exactly what the fuck you want. All right. It's a sexual orientation on the asexual spectrum. Gray asexuals may experience sexual attraction, but very infrequently. That's crazy. That's like, they give us, they like animals, they like fuck one time a year. They're wired like that. Some gray asexual people may not, may only feel sexual attraction once or twice in their life.

What's happening? Oh my God. And then they just, they've never given a fuck. Is there anything here that gray asexuals opening lines? Hey, I got to tell you, I really find you attractive. No, you don't understand. I haven't found any, my, my dick has not gone up in fucking three decades. All right.

That's like six presidents. Some gray asexual people may only find once and twice in their life. Others may experience it more frequently, but still not as frequently as most allosexual people. Oh my God. I mean, this is, you know what? This is like types of clouds. Try to get my instrument rating on my pilot's license. And it's just like, it's just like stratus cumulus, nimbo cumulus stratus, lentil lifting fucking.

It's just like Jesus fucking Christ. You know, it's like, it's like the amount of M&M's they have now. Or allosexuals or alloromantic is the opposite of asexual. In other words, someone who experiences sexual or romantic attraction, the term is not. Does that mean they fuck a lot of people? The term was created by the aspect community as a way to describe those who are not asexual and slash or not. Aromantic. Well, what the fuck is aromantic?

Jesus Christ. What, where am I on the internet right now? Now, you know, I've read so many definitions. I don't want anything is, what am I talking about here? Polyamorous. Yeah. Polyamorous boyfriend or douchebag? I can already answer this.

Well, it depends if you're fucking banging a bunch of guys and he feeds out there, banging a bunch of women. All right. Lady, dear Bill, I have a predicament that I'm in and I need your hilarious and brutal, brutal honesty. Oh, you know why? You know why? Come on, play. Fuck, I tried to cue it up. Come on.

I want to play. Yeah. Yeah. That's me. From somebody else. All right. I'm going to stop playing that because it's going to get old real quick. I have a predicament that I'm in.

I need your hilarious, brutal honesty. I'm a 27 year old lady. Prime of your life. Oh yeah. Anybody else get the new fucking tool album? How great is that, huh? That's my shit right there. I want to figure that song out before I give it and have somebody fucking just look at somebody do a fucking drum, drum cover.

It's called invincible. Or if you have my drumming ability, it's called impossible. Thank you. I'll be here all week. All right. I'm a 27 year old lady and I've been in a relationship with a 25 year old guy for about eight months now. I'll do this guy is the fucking man. He's banging an older broad and he talked her into a polyamorous relationship.

Well, this guy's the shit. He's smart. He's loving and we spend all of our days off together. Though there have been a lot of issues along the way that make me unsure about us. When we were three months into our relationship, my boyfriend told me about his ex who he claims is not an ex, but just someone he casually slept with for four years dot, dot, dot ellipses. I roll. He told me he felt bad for her because she was going through a rough time and she lost all of her friends. So she was getting the consoling cock.

I mean, that's the thing. You know, you got gray as sexuals. You got demisexuals. And then you got a consola sexuals. He asked if it would be okay for him to meet up with her for a cup of coffee. I said okay as I trusted him and he reassured me. He felt nothing for her that he was not attracted to her and that he just wanted to grab some coffee. Jesus Christ.

About a week after that conversation, I called him and he answered revealing that his ex was in his apartment. Okay. All right. Well, there you go. Now what you should have done was going out and get some hot coffee and fucking thrown in his face. And the both of them were having beers. After I quickly ended the conversation, he immediately texted me asking if he could fuck her or come on her tits. No joke.

I answered him, ended the relationship and stated that we both clearly wanted different things. LOL. Hey, one thing about this guy, he's fucking honest. Well, I guess he didn't say that she was coming over. He immediately sent her home, he says, and he came over. He was upset and explained, he was upset. Is this real? Are you fucking with me?

He was upset and explained that he thought we were in a polyamorous relationship. No, no, we didn't. No, we didn't. No, we didn't. This is the way he does this shit. This is what I think the kids call gaslighting. Even though I told him that he could not have sex with anyone else when we agreed to be boyfriend slash girlfriend, there was only one conversation about polyamory in which he did say he wanted to be in a polyamorous relationship.

But I responded to this by asking him what a polyamory even was and he said that it meant that maybe we could have a threesome. I answered maybe someday. Yeah, so this guy's a lion piece of shit. But I wasn't ready for that. He was okay with that. Never mentioned that we could fuck whoever we wanted when we wanted. After much fighting, we end up working through it. He admitted that he was in love with me.

Oh, bullshit. He's keeping you in his stable. Fuck this guy. And that polyamory was not important to him at all. Bullshit. I don't know this guy, but I would break up with him that he would rather be with me than with all the ladies in the world. Oh, bullshit. I'm sure he said that to that chick he was having fucking beers with.

He agreed not to talk to his ex anymore and we moved on. That's all bullshit. Since then, we discussed boundaries many times. I've tried to end the relationship a couple more times because of his ignorant flirtatious behavior. He's not ignorant. He's selfish. Found out he went out for a drink with a girl from class he's attracted to and found out he's been texting her, though not sexually. Yeah, Jesus Christ.

How many more red flags do you need? Most recently, I tried to break up with him after he told me he was texting his ex again. Yeah, I called that fucking two paragraphs ago. Every time we fight, I try to end it. He writes me long letters about how much he loves me and would do anything for me. He's full of shit. He's just saying whatever he needs to say to selfishly keep you in his life. It's going to feel fucking great.

Tell this guy to go fuck himself. I don't even know this guy and I hate this guy. He would blame his behavior on his terrible relationship with his mother and his father. He'll do anything but take responsibility for it. He blames his father who was a womanizer. He begs me to give him time and to tell him what it is and isn't okay because he doesn't get it. Well, this is what you should do. You should invite him over one time as you're riding the dick of somebody else.

He'd be like, you see this? This isn't okay. You see what you're feeling right now? That's how you've been made. That's how you were making me feel. He literally wrote out a relationship agreement. My friends don't like him and think he is a controlling. He's controlling slash disrespectful towards him.

I've never met the guy and I don't like him. They say I'm way out of his league and they are shocked that he acts the way he does. They say I'm way out of his league. I know the answer seems obvious but I'm deeply in love with him. He's fucking this shit out of you. It's what's happening here. That's what it is. He's a good looking guy and this is how he gets away with it.

That's what it is. I get it. I was wondering why you would stay with this person. I get it now. He's coming over there. He's got the romantic novel hair. He's packing about eight inches. He knows what to do with it and he keeps sucking you back in.

But telling myself he's just young and naive. I always believe him when he says he'll stop talking to other girls and that he has never cheated on me. As I can see how much he loves me, parentheses as I've read through his texts, they probably copied and pasted from the other person he sent him to. Though it hasn't changed how much he looks at other girls, how much he loves strip clubs. Oh, good lord. And how about cocaine? Can we throw that in there for the trifecta?

And the fact that I have to even read through his texts. Please, Bill, am I just blind because I love or does this relationship just need a lot of working communication? Long time fan and listener best wishes to you, Nia, and your lovely daughter. And of course, go fuck yourself. Yeah, Jesus Christ. You know what? I bet as I read this out loud, you know, I think you know what you need to do. Yeah, fuck this guy.

Fuck this guy. And this guy is going to hurt a lot of people. And so in the longer you're with them, the more he's going to hurt you. Get the fuck out. That's it. All right. That's it. What I would do.

All right, boyfriends, hot X. Help, dear Bill and Nia. I got to have her on here more time. Once we had the kid, it's hard because, you know, she's got to make sure she's all right as I run out and go do the podcast. I'll have to figure a way around this. All right. I'm a huge fan. I'm going to get a fucking babysitter to have her on my podcast.

I'm a huge fan of the podcast. Thank you. Thank you for delivering uncutty, blunt advice. All right. Well, you guys also know that. Oh, I don't know if I ever took a psychology class. I've been with my boyfriend for three years now. I love him to death.

I lived together, bought a car together. Why? Why would you buy a car together? Don't do shit like that unless you're married and planned vacations every six months. I'm a 35 year old lady and he's 33. Don't shoot me for this, but this has a lot to do with why I'm worried. We started messing around when he was already in a long term relationship. My boyfriend and I used to work together and I would see his girlfriend at the time, bringing him food, etc.

Back then she was overweight from what I've heard. She was incredibly insecure. I've also heard stories from his friends that she wasn't the most supportive person and was too immature being as she was six years younger than him. Okay. So this is the information about the X that's supposed to make you feel like he's not going to. All right. Here's the issue. A month ago, as of a month ago, he started going on this health kit.

He got a gym membership and started wearing new cologne. I didn't think. Oh boy. I didn't think. Hey, you know what? That's that's pretty good. That's pretty good investigative work there. Props to you.

I didn't think anything of it until Monday Labor Day. I don't usually, I don't usually snoop, but when I do, but I went onto our laptop for my own personal use. His Facebook was still open and I went through his messages about mid June. I found a group conversation with three of his friends telling him how his hot his ex had gotten. When I logged out of his account to log into mine, I found out that he created a face face fake Facebook profile under the search history. I found her profile. All right. Jesus Christ.

These are two in the same. That night I made a comment about joining a gym too, because I've gained a little weight. I've gained a little love pouch and I figured we could go work out together. He was really supportive, but directed me to all the location. Cations he does not go to. He doesn't know that I know which one he works out at. I feel like I'm being played and lied to. Am I being paranoid?

Should I say something to him? No, no, you're not. You're not being paranoid. Yeah, you got to dump this guy. Or you got to call him out on it. You guys can work through it. One or the other. All right.

That's it. You know, that's that's it. But all of that behavior is. Yeah, something's going on and you know, you can work through it. You know, I've been on both sides of that coin throughout my fucking history. Should I drop out of college? Dear Billard Burr, I am a 19 year old college student at Wittenberg University. It's a small college like a half an hour from where this person lives.

I've been seriously thinking about dropping out of school at the end of the year. And trying to find a job slash internship or just start my own business. All right. Well, I like what you think. You want to work for yourself. That's always a good thing. I'm not dropping out because the classes are too hard or anything like that. It's just college doesn't seem like the place for me.

I think I can really do well for myself without obtaining my bachelor's degree. I also already have my associate's degree. I think at this point college is almost just a waste of money. And the only reason why I'm in college right now is because I'm swimming and my parents really want me to get a degree. I also have some money saved up that I could use for a few months while I wait to find a job. My job has always been to be a general manager of a sports team or just be a decision maker in a front office. But that is very far out there. No, it isn't.

You're 19. You know what? Every general manager in sports, you know what? You know what they were at some point? They were 19 and weren't in the NFL or in baseball, MLB. Why the fuck can't you do that? If I can fucking tell jokes for a living, you can be a general manager. Don't think that way.

All right? Go after shit like that until, you know, until actually trying tells you no. And it'll tell you, I shouldn't reword it that way. Just fucking go for it. Because this is the thing. Even if you fall short, you're going to be working in some capacity in sports. And it's going to be fucking awesome. All right.

I know that I have the skills to succeed in life, but my parents and others don't see that. I'm sure they see it, but they're parents and they want you to have that degree because parents worried that you're going to be homeless if you don't have a college degree. If you think I should bet on myself and drop out of college, do you have any advice for me in the real world? Thank you. I love the podcast and go fuck yourself.

This is what I do. There's a way to do both because I knew that my parents wanted me to finish college and I wanted to finish college and I already started being a comedian. So what I did was I just took classes and at night I went out and I fucking did stand up. So I was already doing what the fuck I wanted to do. So if there's a way for you to start, jumpstart your dream before there's a way to do that. I'm not saying don't drop out. I mean, you're going to have to make this decision.

And I agree with you, especially the way the economy is and all that stuff. I shouldn't speak about this because I don't know how important or how unimportant having a college degree is. Back in the day when I was one of the last generations where they actually gave a shit where you went to college, but now it just seems like motivated kids can get together, come up with a fucking idea and create a goddamn app and make a ton of money. And I know that's very fucking rare. That's like when I started out, hey, you write a stand up act, then they turn it into a sitcom and then you make half a billion dollars.

The reality was like 10 comics that happened to. So I don't know exactly what your game plan is. But I mean, you do have your associates degree. You sound like you had your head screwed on straight. And a lot of unbelievably successful people dropped out of college. Also, another bunch of people who never did shit with their life dropped out of college. So I don't know what to fucking this is like this is a big one. You got to you got to make this decision yourself.

But oh, by the way, can I go back here? If this person took the time to make a fake Facebook profile, fuck that. That's hardcore. That's hard. That's not like they just met somebody got drunk and fucking fucked around. That's like like CIA level fucking around. Definitely don't don't try to work it out with that person. All right, back to this other one.

Should I drop out of college? Yeah, you got to make that decision for yourself. But I think what you're thinking about doing is great because you want to go after a dream. And the fact that you you already want to do that at 19 shows a lot of balls. I didn't have the balls to do it till I was almost 24. So you're like almost five years ahead of me. My math is correct. So there's a number of ways to do what you want to do.

You can drop out and just do it. You could start your dream, jumpstart it, continue going to college. You could fast forward through college, go right through the summertime and do it in three years because you want to get out in the real world. Then you get the degree. Your parents are fucking happy and then get on with it. There's a bunch of you have all the options in the world at 19. You know, there you go. So just don't get involved in a fucking relationship with somebody who wants you to fucking stay home every night rather than work on your dream.

All right. That's it. Stay away from drugs. All right, charisma. Hey, Billy needs a new vice. Big fan love the pocket. Okay, I need some advice that will help me progress in my career. I've been told more than once that I'm very talented in my field, but in order to move up the old corporate lay, here's the rule.

If you actually say I need some advice, then you get the song. All right, Bill, I need some advice. Yes. Okay. That will help me in my career. I've been told that more than once that I'm very talented in my field, but in order to move up the old corporate ladder here, I will need to develop more charisma and stage presence. Stage presence.

I guess what to give presentations and introvert by nature and a more comfortable in smaller group settings where I know at least one person. I need to become the guy that people are excited to hear speak at a conference. I've heard you talk about bombing on stage in the past and I love your thoughts about on how to practice charisma and presence. Thanks and go fuck yourself. I don't know that you can't practice charisma. The fuck is that? Oh, it's more music. It's kind of cool.

Every time I play that, I play a little bit of the tool album. You can't practice charisma and presence, but that's just whatever you were born with. Those are gifts, but they can also be buried. What you can practice is being comfortable. So a lot of bringing out your personality is being comfortable. And right now you're not comfortable, so you're in between your ears when you go up there and you're not relaxed. The crowd feeds off of you. If you're up there and you're nervous, you're going to make them nervous or uncomfortable or not want to listen to what you're saying.

So what I would do is, the only thing I'd say is what I did was when I was in college, I just, any opportunity to get up in front of the class, to do a presentation, to do a little performance, anything I could do to get up there. And each time I got more and more confident, it's really not that big a deal. It's just a weird experience. It's just a different experience, you know, learning to speak in front of a group is no different than learning how to fucking skate or fucking hit a ball or something like that. You just have to do it, play a guitar, you know, learn, you just got to go down and fucking play every night.

And one day you know how to play a guitar. Just keep getting up in front of people and make little goals. If you're introverted, that's what you need. You need tiny goals that will be positive. Like the first goal should just be, I'm getting up in front of somebody this week. I'm getting up in front of a group of people this week. Don't have any sort of pressure on how well you have to do. All you got to do is get up.

And the second you get up, then boom, that's a positive. I remember when I used to do stand-up shows in rooms that I was afraid of, you know, especially when I was doing those uptown shows, when I would be like the only fucking white guy in the room, I would be like, Jesus Christ. And sometimes I would chicken out and then I would go home and I would feel terrible that I chickened out. And then the next week, I remember I went back down there and I was thinking about, you know, running home again. And then I was just like, all right, what's going to feel worse?

Going up and bombing? But knowing you tried or going home, not trying and laying there and feeling like a fucking pussy. So that's all it was. So when I would start to do, anytime I did, you know, some sort of show in a fucked-up environment, all it was about was having the balls to go up there when they called my name. And whatever happened, happened. I didn't beat myself up over the performance. At least I learned to not do that.

So I'll give you that advice right out of the gate. I hope you use it, all right? And what's going to happen is the more you do it, the more comfortable you get, then your personality comes out, your personality comes out, then there's your presence. There's who you are. And there's all different kinds of presence and charisma. From fucking sup megawatt fucking movie star to nerd charisma, self-deprecating, making fun of yourself, talking about how you're awkward or whatever like that.

Although I'm not a big fan of saying that you're awkward when you're up there. Just be yourself. Get over it. Fucking man up, even if you're a nerd. Just be a fucking man, all right? Or a woman, whatever you are. All right, overrated, underrated, overrated. Trying to get a spot close to the entrance of the grocery store.

Oh, yeah. Fucking waste of time. All right, there. You spend more time looking for the spot that it would take to walk from the back of the lot. And most of the people can use a few extra steps on the old Fitbit there. Exactly. It's good for you. Underrated.

Free samples at the grocery store. It's so hard to find nowadays that when I do, I have a dinner's worth. That's awesome. Yeah, I like that. Overrated. Day drinking. Fuck you. I love day drinking.

All right, dead back in the day. This always sounds like such a fantastic idea on paper. Grab some buddies, some beers, and say fuck responsibility for a day or even better. Do it by yourself. But in reality, there's only two possibly equally shitty outcomes. You end up so shit can from hours of day boozing that you have the brilliant idea to say, hey, let's go to the bar. So now you're already wanged when you start the night boozing.

Well, I'll commend you that, I mean, I usually start at the bar. That's how I used to do it. I would do it at the fucking bar and then that was it. I'd just be laughing my balls off like, I can't believe I'm this drunk at fucking 1230 in the afternoon. So when you start boozing, you black out at 6 p.m. and make an ass of yourself at some shitty drunk. Well, you're not supposed to drink the whole fucking night. I would just drink and after three, four hours of it, I would be fucking shitfaced and I would go home. My biggest problem was that I'd pass out and I'd wake up at midnight already have gotten eight hours sleep

and it throws all my sleep off. Let me finish reading this person's here. You know, making your an asset yourself at some shitty drunk food diner at 8 p.m. and sleep on someone else's couch. Then you wake up in the morning with many missed calls and angry texts and have to piece together your life to figure out who you need to tuck your tail and apologize to or the second outcome. You act responsible and quit drinking before evening rolls around, but then have to live with sobering up while awake, getting hung over before bedtime

and end up sweating through your sheets and sleeping with a headache. Well, I mean, that kind of happens if you go to a football game during the day, right? No, when you day drink, day drinking is for pros. I go in there, I go and buy, you go in by yourself. You sit down, you order the drink and then the bartender knows he's here at this time. This is his drink. And then all you do, he just walks by, you don't have to say anything. You just tap your glass or just point and then that's it.

And he just fucking keeps serving you. Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang. Just like that, like Mr. Fucking Blonde. And then you go home and you go to sleep. You don't do it all the time. But you know what? I get it. It's overrated.

So don't, I wouldn't do it. If you don't like it, then don't do it. That's what I say. If you don't like it, don't fucking do it. I don't know who does podcasts. I don't know what it is. All right. That's it.

You know what? I actually heard from a friend of mine who actually went in. I'm not even going to talk about it. I'm going to talk about, but everything's good. Everything's fine. All right. That's it. Okay.

That's the podcast everybody. Go fuck yourselves. I will check in on you on Thursday. And by the way, well, who's the Monday night game? I'm going to be doing a bunch of fucking media too this week. All right. I'll be on the Joe Rogan podcast. I'll be on Tom Papa and fortune femsters podcast.

I got what else Theo Vaughn maybe next week. I know I had to move that one. Jimmy Kimmel show and a bunch of other places. And then eventually I'll do a week of press in New York city. I can't fucking thank you guys enough for all the times that you've watched my specials. I hope you watch this one again because that's why I get to live my dreams. So thank you so much. I'm so proud of this special.

And I'm so thankful that I somehow I got to thank Conan O'Brien for putting me on his show to do a panel. That's how Mike binder and saw me the first time. That's how I ended up in one of his movies. And that's how in the end he ended up fucking. No, wait, his friend Clay told him that I was on the Conan show. That's what it is. I got so many people to fucking thank you.

And now I shot my special and it looks on fucking believable. I only I only hope my material doesn't fuck him out of the whatever award he should be getting for how he shot this fucking thing because it's absolutely gorgeous. All right, that's it. Go fuck yourselves. I'll check in on you on Thursday.