Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 9-9-24

Episode Date: September 9, 2024

Bill rambles about private gigs, God's worst work, and knots. Open Phone:  OpenPhone is offering 20% off of your first 6 months when you go to www.OpenPhone.com/BURR  Zip Recruiter:  Try for free at www.ZipRecruiter.com/BURR SimpliSafe:  Protect your home with 50% off a new SimpliSafe system, plus a free indoor security camera, when you sign up for Fast Protect Monitoring at www.SimpliSafe.com/BURR  

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Monday Morning Podcast for Monday, September 9th, 2020 FOA. What's going on? How are ya? Oh my god. Fucking wiped out. Oh, are ya Bill? Are you wiped out from telling jokes? I'm fucking old. Tell me some goddamn slack over here for god's sakes. Oh my god. Last night I was in Shawnee.

Swanny, Tennessee. Way down upon the Swanny River. That's not where it's from but Swanee Tennessee absolutely gorgeous overlooks the Tennessee Valley you know I stayed at this really cool hotel and I walked over to the golf course to get a burger and you know the only game I could get because I didn't realize they just automatically automatically renew the NFL package on your phone so funny you got to tell them like yeah I'm good no more they just

automatically fucking renew it like Columbia Records and tapes back in the day that type of scam which is really surprising because the NFL always just seems to be so much about player safety and taking care of the fans. It's really surprising that they would choose the dollar over doing the right thing. So anyway, I was watching the Titans game. Titans versus the fucking Chicago Bears. I'm going like, ah Christ, this is going to be a boring ass game. And actually it wasn't bad.

The defenses were good. Titans have a decent defense, but their offense, my God, they just kept turning the fucking ball over. That Will Levi guy, I don't know what he was thinking. It's like he was playing Frisbee football, that fucking interception. I mean, that was one of the most desperate plays I think I've ever seen in my life. I haven't seen one of those in a while. It was just like, it was like, I don't know, he was getting chased by a bear and he had a baby in his hand.

He was like, somebody take it. So I'm glad I didn't fucking pick that game. I did all right with my pick. I went 2-1 yesterday and tonight I got the Jets getting 4, which seemed really cool at the time. Now I'm like, why would I do that? Aaron Rodgers hasn't played in forever. He's 40, 41 years old. But I got into the hype. I was so excited when he went to the Jets to see the Jets be good. It's just funny because it doesn't make any sense at this point.

They've been so fucking bad for so long. You know, even though they're in our division, and they were such assholes when Rex Ryan was there. Oh my god, they like took on his personality. Remember all that shit Rex Ryan's talked? Remember all that shit Rex Reins talked? I'm not going up there to kiss his rings. All of that stupid shit he was saying. My favorite part of that era was when they lost to the fucking Steelers and Rex took his fucking headset off and threw it on the ground. Oh my god, he fucking annoyed me.

But I will say, he was a good coach. He was a good fucking coach. And they beat us in the playoffs. Sorry, I'm just waking up here. But, anyway. And they beat us in the playoffs. Sorry. I'm just waking up here But anyway How about the fucking Patriots I took the Pats these are my picks yesterday. I got my picks right there I got my picks right fucking here. You want some picks you motherfucker? I

Had the Lions minus three and a half. They pulled it out in overtime. I had the Patriots getting eight and a half. They win the game 16 to 10. And then I had the Raiders plus three. I don't know. I like a former player coach. I kind of forgot that Jim Harbaugh is a former player. He's been coaching for so long. Captain Comeback, that's what they used to call him. It was, I don't know, I guess all these years living in LA, I kind of enjoy the AFC West. I guess I did when I was a kid, the Raiders charges, the Air Coriel charges, those are the ones I liked. So that was the one stinkeroo.

And tonight I got the Jets getting four, which I'm thinking, why the fuck was it only four? And I was like, you know why, Bill? Cause they try to get money on both sides of the ball. And there's a bunch of dumb fucks like you that put money on the Jets. Sorry, just keep you on. Who the fuck bets the Jets, Bill? This has two and two written all over it.

That's what I did all last year. That's all I did was go two and two, two and two, two and two, two and two, oh and four, two and two, two and two, two and two, three and one, two and two, two and two, two and two. That's what I did last year. Who knows? Anyway, let's get on with the podcast. So last night, I performed in this place called The Cavern in Shawnee, and Tennessee here.

And what the fuck, my brain isn't even working here. With Dean Del Ray, Dean taped his first fucking stand-up special. And it was The Cavern, it's like the guy carved out the inside of a cave or the cave already existed and he put a stage inside this goddamn thing i'm not gonna lie to you it was one of it was like it was like underground red rocks you got to go to this venue and then he also also has an amphitheater that he built on the outside during COVID, which amazed me because I thought everybody out here was like, you know, I don't give a fuck. Doctors are full of shit.

I believe my friend. You know, I thought everybody just kind of went about their business. Out here in Shawnee, Tennessee, you know, I thought that that's what they did. But they actually made an effort. They cleared out some trees. They had an amphitheater. Well then I guess they were all going out there fucking standing there. But I think standing outside wasn't too bad. I don't know.

I'm just glad all that shit was over. You know, I kind of missed the pandemic. You know what sucked about the pandemic is we didn't know when it was going to be over. But if we knew when it was going to be over, we could have enjoyed it. And been like, this is fucking great. Like fucking nine months off from work. You know, then it would have been awesome. People who were wearing masks would be psyched about people who weren't wearing masks Because they could be like great. They're just extending the vacation But no matter what it's gonna be over on this date. That was the scary thing about the pandemic

You couldn't enjoy all the fucking days off You know me not having to go on the road getting on airplanes Because you were just like is it ever gonna be over am I gonna run out of money is there gonna be food but if you just actually knew it's gonna be over it's gonna start in March of 2020 and it's gonna be over whenever the fuck they let us out what in the summer of 2021. I don't know if you could have like actually enjoyed it. So anyway, we played it last night. Dean absolutely smashed his first set so then he could have fun the second set killed on the second set. And I tried out a bunch of new shit. Started to feel like a comedian again. Because oh my god, oh Billy fucking

started to feel like a comedian again because oh my god old Billy fucking Billy fucking Bombardier I was not having good sets lately and because usually when I go to put together a new hour I'm just on the road so what happens is is I got my new shit which squeezes out a couple of old bits and gradually the new shit overtakes the old shit But I wasn't on the road because it was the summertime man I mean I would just spend it all this time with my kids and I'm gonna be doing that play in New York so I'm trying to get all this dad time in that I can and I

Wasn't on the road doing the work so I was just going down to the store just doing all new stuff. Holy shit Oh Billy mediocrity so You know as funny as I did this this private gig the other night opening for a band Which just it's just it never goes well as a comedian opening for a band I mean, I know the crowd like me and everything, but they were like nine fucking miles away.

This is what happens when you open for a band. The whole crowd's sitting down, but when the band comes on, everybody stands up and they rush up to the stage. So I'm fucking standing on stage, you know? And then the guy who, you know, it's a private gig, which I never do these things. Fortunately, the guy was really cool. And he was sitting like, you know, right down Broadway, right in front of me. He was laughing his ass off, him and his wife the whole time.

So that was keeping me going. Because if I wasn't seeing his face, I was like, I was thinking like, I don't think I'm gonna get paid on this one. And the band was standing to the side watching me, so I'm fucking struggling, eating my nuts. So of course, they're laughing their asses off. That's what keeps happening to me with these gigs where you're open for fucking bands, is what ends up happening is I bomb and the band loves it. I didn't bomb bomb but it was like fucking bomb wasn't like a bomb bomb but it was like a bomb do you know what I mean? But what was great was I got to watch

the best part was hanging out with the band before Before and like in the middle cuz I went out and then there was a dinner in between Which fortunately they didn't make me fucking sit down sometimes, you know back in the day they would like Whatever like, you know Rich person fucking hired you they'd want you to get there before the gig and sit down and have dinner with them and then you just felt like you know you felt like Julia Roberts and pretty woman like what should I wear I don't I've never fucking understood it so So thank God it's like this guy was really cool that we work for He didn't do that it was just a quick meet and greet we shot the shit talk some sports

Actually the last two of these last time I did one of these Was before the pandemic like I never do these private gigs, but you know, it was in LA, I hadn't fucking worked in a minute. You know, you can only take so many fucking months off and you know, you start going like, you know, need to go make some money, right? So anyway, the last one went good. Now that I think of it, I think a lot of times they go good and a lot of times the person doesn't make me sit with them. I don't know what my fucking problem is. You know what it is?

I remember what it was. I did a fucking Christmas party in Manhattan. I don't know how long ago. I was still living in New York, so it was in the 2000s. And it was one of the worst gigs I ever had. It was like 40 people. It was in the downstairs near the outside area to a brownstone on the Upper East Side, one of these just fucking

20-zillion dollar houses and it was a bunch of fucking rich people and like New York rich. Okay, I'm not talking like you know I got me a ranch and a bunch of cattle like those fucking people aren't like the same kind of rich as New York. New York riches, we know who the next nine presidents are going to be. Cattle ranch rich is more like fucking, yeah, you want to shoot it?

Go ahead. They're fucking. You ever ride a four wheeler? Come on, let's do it. It's just going to roll over and crush you. Yeah, it's a different kind of rich. You know what I mean? New York rich is just like, it's fucking annoying.

I don't know why. It just is so anyway Yeah, there's something that's something like fucking obnoxious like I remember I told this story before when the first time I moved to Manhattan I moved to New York, right and I Went to a wedding Like outside of New York, of a friend of mine obviously.

And my friend was getting married, had a friend that he went to college with that had a lot of money and was living in New York. And I asked him where he was living. He said, he goes, I live in Manhattan, right? And I said, yeah, I go, I'm living there too. I'm on the Upper East Side. And he goes, oh yeah, what building? And I didn't even know what it meant.

And when I went back to New York, I asked a comic and he told me, he goes, oh, that guy was being a dick. That guy was being a fucking dick. Because what building? If you just had a fucking walk up, I actually lived on the ground floor, walked through a bedroom, you know, your building didn't have a name, but if you had like a doorman and a gym and amenities, you know, that you're fucking, you're building the,

the soliloquy I live in the soliloquy on Lex Lexington or whatever. Right. Uh, sorry, can't remember that. The Soliloquy. I live in the Soliloquy on Lexington or whatever, right? Sorry, can't remember the name. They always have like some fucking stupid... The Exclu... I live on the Exclusive. On 74th and Madison. So, anyway. I go up to do the fucking gig. I don't know that anybody knew there was going to be a comedian. Nobody would look at me, which made me super defensive.

And I was just up there telling a joke, and then they wouldn't laugh. I'm like, really? You guys aren't going to laugh at that? I was doing that at a fucking Christmas party. And I got super defensive and super angry. And I was just standing there basically yelling at 40 fucking rich people I don't know.

Yelling my act at them. This was so long ago. I remember being on my flip phone afterward, yelling at my agent going, I'm not fucking doing these anymore okay don't bring me any offers because I'd always say yes because the money was good and I needed I needed the money look at me you got everything I got I got his shit in a bag man right I was like that guy in the wheelchair and fucking Carlito's way so I would always take the those two gigs that I would always take that I didn't

want to take because I just needed the fucking money. I was broke. Was doing college gigs, doing nooners, you know, 12 noon, one in the fucking afternoon, standing in a cafeteria. Nobody would have any idea that there was going to be a show. The fucking humiliation You had to stand up there for a fucking hour and I literally had to get in my head and

Just I had to be like in an hour You're gonna be back in your car and you're gonna be driving away and you're never gonna come here again You're never gonna see these people again. It doesn't matter. Just go up there and Just fucking take it Those gigs and fucking private parties oh My god, I remember I did one at this fucking Elks Lodge With some goddamn golf course. It's probably why I hate golf to this day Lodge. We had some goddamn golf course. It's probably why I hate golf to this day.

All those guys with their slacks with their fucking shirts tucked in and shit. Anyway, I remember before I went up they had guys going up on stage from the crowd telling street jokes. Telling fucking street jokes. And this one guy was telling really good street jokes. And after his street joke, he goes, see, there's nothing to it. There's nothing to it. And they went sat down, a few other guys told jokes, they didn't go that well.

And that guy just kept coming. He came up like three times. Like three fucking times. And he killed. He told a great street joke and he just kept point he points over at me the last time go see there's nothing to it he goes what do we need this guy for I've told this story before the part and I went up on stage I was so fucking pissed that this fucking jerk off doing street jokes. Thought that that was at the level of what the fuck I was doing. Right?

Having to go up there with my own fucking material figuring this out as opposed to going like a rabbi, a priest, and a fucking jerk off walking to a bar. Like that's, you know, what do we need fucking, you know, the George Carlins of the world? What do we need? What do we need fucking comedians for, you fucking asshole? It's all the same thing. Look at you, fucking water cooler Joe over here, telling fucking, you know,

two nuns are fucking whoring a tiger or all sitting at a bar. The tiger says, you know, that bullshit. I love those jokes, but it was fucking annoying, right? So, and I wasn't comparing myself to George Carlin, but I'm just thinking like this guy has no respect for standupup comedy right and in the words of Michael Jordan I took exception to this so I fucking go up there and once

again I am just angry I am defensive and I'm yelling my act at them and what I should have done was I could have just gone up there relaxed be like got around pleasant what about this guy here, crushing it with the jokes? You know, blah, blah, blah, you kill, you know, I mean, you didn't have to say what do you need me for? That didn't make me feel welcomed. I could have gone in like that. And I didn't.

I went right up there. I Went right up there I shit on him for being playing golf I Made this giant judgment that all of them were there because of some sort of blood money And that they all were trust fund kids I basically did to them what that one fucking guy did to stand up comedy. One fucking guy, they all got punished. Instead of divide and conquering, I fucking put them all into one giant bag, put rocks in the bag and dropped it off the bridge into the water.

And dude, I'm telling you, they were just staring at me. At one point, I tell like my 90th fucking joke in like three minutes because you speed up your act when nobody's laughing. I finally just look at him I go Jesus Christ you guys aren't laughing at anything what the fuck is wrong with you? This dude in the back goes we're afraid of you. Oh, what a most embarrassing I've ever been on stage. I was like, oh my God, I'm just up here screaming like a lunatic, aren't I? What am I doing? And then how do I get out of this?

So then I dialed down and I tried to be nice, but it was too late because they already hated me. You know like when your dad was an asshole to you, and then he wouldn't apologize, he would just come around and just sort of start talking to you. And you just kind of give him one word answers, and it was his way of... And he would hang in there because he knew he was a dick. It was the closest you were going to get to an apology. I was doing the stand-up version of that.

So anyway, I think... I never think about those jokes, those, not those jokes, those gigs, but when I do a private gig, I think I have some sort of like PTSD from those fucking gigs. But I remember I left like a four minute message after that New York one and I was Yelling at my agent going I'm not like yelling at him but yelling about the gig going I'm not fucking doing these anymore All right, they always fucking suck. They had no fucking idea. I got fuck. I'm down there Performing for the fucking Illuminati. Nobody's fucking listening to me, it's not worth it. I would rather go do a fucking Funny Bone

and just be on the road for a fucking week than to go down there and fucking embarrass myself for 45 fucking minutes in the basement of fucking Woody Allen's goddamn fucking, you know, I was flipping out. Because it was up near where Woody lived. out because it was up near where Woody lived. And then my agent would be like, all right, I'm sorry. You're right.

Sorry that happened, and blah, blah, blah, blah. And then like three months would go by. And he'd be like, all right, I know you said you don't want to do these gigs. All right. And I would be sitting there shaking my head listening to the message and he'd be going, there's a private party, the da da da da da. You know, I made sure there's a stage, there's a microphone, everybody's going to know there's

a show and it pays blah, blah, blah. I'd be like, fuck, I got it. You know, someday I want to live in the exclusive on 74th and Madison. I don't want to keep... I don't want to be in a building that just has an address. If I can wake up in a city... So I take the gig, right? And that's how it was. And the same thing with my college agent. I was just like, dude, I'm not doing fucking nooners anymore.

These college gigs are bad enough, I'm not fucking doing them. And then he used to always call me up. Billy, it's Scott Colling. I have a gig for you. He's a Midwest guy. Fucking great guy. I know you said you don't want to do these nooners. And then he would just just he goes, you know

But it's only it's only a half hour away. You can double up that day Do you were making twice the money you were gonna make? And I would be like, all right, I'll do it and after a while I kind of got used to doing nooners I Eventually learned to not go up there And oh my god, like you guys don't even understand how fucking angry I was I eventually learned to not go up there. Oh my God. Like you guys don't even understand how fucking angry I was. You think you do. You watch my stand-up specials.

You have no fucking idea. Like you watch my specials. You watch my clips on fucking TV. Just know that those were shows that were going well. Now just imagine it not going well. Now just imagine it not going well and also being in a fucking impossible impossible fucking situation. One impossible fucking situation after another. That's what basically being a stand-up comedian was on the way up. I don't know what it is now. I'm sure there's still a lot of that, but performers have way more control.

They can promote themselves and stuff, so it's a good thing. Last night at that cavern, I rent one of the club owners that I know is down there. We were talking about the old days and I was saying, yeah, I didn't realize this was so far outside of Nashville. I would have swung by, maybe done a late night spot at your club. I was telling him, I was looking at was looking at like the lineup and nobody, nobody does like a week anymore. Like that doesn't happen anymore. Like you used to do like Tuesday through Sunday to Friday, three Saturday or

Wednesday through Sunday or whatever that that's how it was. And, um, it's just everybody comes in. It's like everybody's a special event. Now you're just doing like one night and he's been able to adjust how it was and was just talking about like the old days how it used to be like if you looked at a comedy club schedule for the month they had four headliners four weeks four headliners and you'd just be in there and i remember everybody was like, occasionally there would be a bigger comic, occasionally, and they would only be there Friday, Saturday, and they would do four shows,

you know, if they had like their own sitcom, and they would just they would fly out after their taping. I don't know how they would do it Maybe they were just to Saturday Sunday, and they would they would fly back for the table read on Monday But anyway the whole landscape has Has changed I feel I don't know for the better I don't know how good it's been for the comedy clubs because everybody seems to blow up and play theaters and arenas like It's just just kind of a different thing. But anyway, how about those fucking Patriots? About those fucking Patriots. I just I watched some highlights. I didn't see the game. I was down here outside of Nashville, but

We haven't been one and oh since Cam Newton was our quarterback, which seems like nine years ago. So, uh, I don't know. It's a fucking good thing. The Buffalo Bills won and the Miami Dolphins won. So we have an undefeated division at this point. Who knows? Who knows? Maybe, maybe the 49ers a little hung over. Such a stupid bet. Why the fuck did I take the Jets?

49ers blew it in the fucking Super Bowl last year. They fucking blew it. You know they're pissed. You know they're coming on like we're gonna, this year we're gonna finish the job. You know they're gonna go into that. And the Jets are the Jets but Aaron Rodgers man Aaron Rodgers just likes he loves going into the other

team's fucking stadium and sending people to the exits and making kids crying shit so maybe that'll happen I don't fucking know all right with that let's let's do a little what do you call there we'll do a read here for the week Billy oh Billy went down memory trail there memory trail is that even a thing I don't even know all right one phone oh we have a new advertiser one phone everybody one of the most common mistakes business owners make is using their personal devices for business. But you can't be limited to just your cell phone and notes app to get your work done. Why is it bad to use your fucking own phone?

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Protect your home with 50% off a new SimpliSafe system plus a free indoor security camera. When you sign up for fast protect monitoring just visit SimpliSafe. com slash burr. That's s I m p l i S a f e dot com slash burr. There's no safe Like simply safe You know, I did have one sad thing happen on the way over to the cavern and I took a video of it But there's no there's no happy resolution And I took a video of it, but there's no happy resolution. We were driving over to the cavern in Swanee, Tennessee, and we see these three deer, like bouncing across the field, like Pepe Le Pew, back in the day on Bugs Bunny

When he was just just non-stop sexually harassing that fucking cat So anyways this is the mother and then the two does Know doe a deer a female. Okay doe is a female buck a buck, a doe, a fawn. Look at that. Fucking pulled that out of third grade. A fawn. Two fawns. A doe and two fawns. And they're going across this field. Doing, doing, doing, right? They come to a fence and the mother just clears it. No fucking problem, right? And then like Vince Carter, right? Just effortless, right up and over. And then she bounces into the woods,

and then the two fauns come up, and they can't clear the fence. And then they're kind of running to the right and running to the left and trying to like dive through the wires. And I'm waiting, we're just sitting there waiting for the mother to come back and she did not come back, at least for a couple of minutes. I don't know what she was doing standing there. Maybe she heard the car, so we drove away. I assumed she came back. You know, I wanted to go help the fawns out, but I was worried that if I went over there,

that the mother was going to come out and start kicking the shit out of me with her hooves there. And then I was also concerned that if I was, you can't touch the deer because then they smell like you and then they abandon them. This is just shit I've learned with people who wear camouflage. And then it's also, it's not like it's a fucking dog, it's probably going to run away from me. I have a show to do. And then also everybody's always like going, you can't interfere with nature. And that's what they would say there, you can't interfere with nature.

It's like, well, there's a man-made fence that separated them. So man already did interfere. And then other people say, well, people are part of nature. What it really is is you can't interrupt a predator from getting a meal, as far as I know. You're not allowed to do that. Although I would say if something was getting eaten alive by a Komodo dragon and I had a gun, I would maybe like fucking whoever was getting eaten, I'd give it a fucking kill

shot to the head. Hopefully I hit it. It's unreal. But you know, God is a loving God and He created this earth. There is no way God is a loving God. I'm going to tell you a story about three creatures that God created and this is what happened. A hornet, a praying mantis, and a human being. So a human being captured a hornet and a praying mantis and

then with tweezers took the hornet and placed it in front of the praying mantis, which grabbed it with its fucking trash compactor front spiked legs. And immediately began eating this thing alive, like right in the middle of its body, just fucking. And God made all of those all of those creatures. He made the fucking human being who for likes wanted to feed a living thing to another thing alive. It's bad enough that that's what fucking happens in the bug world. It's just, it's like, all right.

I don't want to criticize God's work, but if I was his best work, his best album, I would say is any sort of cats, right? The lions, the tigers, the fucking mountain lions, because they go in and they fucking grab you and they choke you out. And then that's it. You lose consciousness. And when you're dead, then they choke you out and then that's it. You lose consciousness and when you're dead, then they eat you. Okay? I don't like house cats. They fuck with mice and they play with them and shit

and they play with their food. They're cunts. But you know, I think that they have a complex because they're the smallest of all of the cats, right? And then I would say, God's worst work, Komodo Dragon, bears, and praying mantises. There's just no fucking reason to have praise death be that fucking painful and fucking agonizing.

And what kind of a fucking human being feeds another fucking like live animal, insect or whatever to another one and just does it just so they can film it and watch the things fucking death. I mean, that's literally, you've begun your march towards being, you're basically saying that if you had some sort of charisma and an army that you would be like Ivan the Terrible, sticking people on spikes. Anyway, so we ended up leaving. And the Fawn were still fucking looking for their mom. So I imagine they got into the field somehow.

So she could teach them how to jump back over. I mean they had to have jumped over some fence to get there to begin with. I don't fucking know. But, um, she could teach them how to jump back over. I mean, they had to have jumped over some fence to get there to begin with. I don't fucking know. But that's one of the reasons why I stay out of nature. Okay, I don't know a lot about it. I know from a distance it's beautiful. And when you, the closer you get to it, the sadder it gets. You know what I mean?

I stay in humanity. Like that's, I don't want to go any, You know what I mean? I stay in humanity. I don't want to go any lower than that. It's why I don't watch fucking nature shows. Nature shows are the worst. They'll show you the beauty of nature, and then immediately they start telling you why it's all going to go away because of the awful shit that human beings are doing and then there's just no solution and then you're just fucking sad and then that's it. You know, I'll tell you what neither Trump nor Kamala Harris are going to be talking

about is how the Great Barrier Reef is dying. They just don't give a shit. They're going to have fucking, you know, Adam Ant and Stevie Wonder come out and play at the DNC and the Republican National Convention. They're all gonna talk about family values before they go queer off with each other or whatever the hell happened out there. I still don't understand that somebody's trying to say that some gay dating app crashed in the city during the Republican National Convention. It's like what did they have to do with that? How do you know there wasn't a bunch of liberal gays that went there to yell at them?

That probably didn't happen. So they all went there to go talk about astronauts and fucking guns and all of that shit and then they went and made out with each other. That's what liberals are saying is happening. And you know what? That's the kind of information that all that does is just piss the other side off and then they're going to fucking say something about you and then the corporations win. And then you just get this feeling of this sense of fucking loneliness and depression,

and next thing you know, you're feeding a hornet to a fucking praying mantis. Just to get the attention, just for the comments, for people, and they'll be like, how could you fucking do that, you fucking piece of shit and blah blah blah blah I Am kind of fascinated though what Rick reading like comments and stuff and like Just how dumb the level of dumb maybe it's the AI robots that are actually writing most of the comments But I do like how people deliberately put something on social media to piss people off. And then when somebody does get pissed off and the person can't defend what they did, they just go, oh, a lot of so and so's getting triggered in here. Anyway, I got Aaron Rodgers tonight plus FOA.

How about that? I hope your team's won. This is what I do every year because I don't know anybody in sports anymore because now I got kids and I'm fucking busy as shit. By the way, my son has added the backpack to the whole Angus impression that he does. He puts on his backpack from school and it's always empty because we took out all his stuff from school, his lunch and his sweatshirt and everything and he always fills it up with toys he puts it on and I'll have like jailbreak on pause then he gets his guitar and that's my favorite one he does now he does he does jailbreak and the best part is during

the breakdown when it's going like, hot beats, they were racing, freedom, he was chasing. And my son just sits there staring at the TV and they go spotlights, you know, and Angus does all that crazy shit with his guitar and he fucking, he imitates it and then he stops. Sirens, and he fucking beats the shit he's slapping on the strings now he understands that that's where you get the sound rifles firing but he made it out and he sits there and he closes his eyes

and then bods got goes with a bullet in his back and then he starts doing the fucking chuck berry You know duck walk across the living room it's fucking unbelievable and I take a video every time And uh I hope this just isn't a phase. I hope he goes on To actually learn how to play and shit which I think he's gonna because I've been playing a ton of guitar now because he's always doing that. We get out to the garage to play drums, he still likes doing that, but he's really into

the guitar right now. And I don't know, I think he really just feels music, so I'm thinking like, you know what would be amazing? If he learned the solos and I played the Malcolm Malcolm part we could just fucking be playing ACDs to be fucking unreal You know for that little window of his life before he meets kids his own age and starts jamming with it Because I told you that's the game plan The game plan is he learns my daughter learns right plays drums, right, and I jam with them. They see how fun that is.

And then as their friends who play starts coming over, Dad, I do the Homer Simpson, the back into the bushes. And I just leave and I'm like, then I'll feel like I did my job. You know? I'm an old dad, obviously, so I feel like I'm like analog dad. I'm teaching him how to play baseball. You know, I told you my truck shifts three on the column. I'm going to teach both of them how to drive a fucking stick, how to change the oil,

tie knots, just all that old shit, old school not gonna lie, I'm not gonna lie, I'm not gonna lie, I'm not gonna lie, I'm not gonna lie, I'm not gonna lie, I'm not gonna lie, I'm not gonna lie, I'm not gonna lie, I'm not gonna lie, I'm not gonna lie, I'm not gonna lie, I'm not gonna lie, I'm not gonna lie, I'm not gonna lie, I'm not gonna lie, I'm not gonna lie, I'm not gonna lie, I'm not gonna lie, I'm not gonna lie, I'm not gonna lie, I'm not gonna lie, I'm not gonna lie, I'm not gonna lie, I'm not gonna lie, I'm not gonna lie, I'm not gonna lie, I'm not gonna lie, I'm not gonna lie, I'm not gonna lie, I'm not gonna lie, I'm not gonna lie, I'm not gonna lie, I'm not gonna lie, I'm not gonna lie, I'm not gonna lie, I'm not gonna lie, I'm not gonna lie, I'm not gonna lie, I'm not gonna lie, I'm not gonna lie, I'm not gonna lie, I'm not gonna lie, I'm not gonna lie, I'm not gonna lie, I'm not gonna lie, I'm not gonna lie, I'm not gonna lie, I'm not gonna lie, I'm not gonna lie, I'm not gonna lie, I'm not gonna lie, I'm not gonna lie, I'm not gonna lie, I'm not gonna lie, I'm not gonna lie, I'm not gonna lie, I'm not gonna lie, I'm not gonna lie, I'm not gonna lie, I'm not gonna lie, I'm not gonna lie, I'm not gonna lie, I'm not gonna lie, I'm not gonna lie, I'm not gonna lie, I'm not gonna lie, I'm not gonna lie, I'm not gonna lie, I'm not gonna lie, I'm not gonna lie, I'm not gonna lie, So my algorithm is now sending me all of these, these fucking just amazing knots. My favorite knots are the ones that they make where it totally holds, but then you can just pull one thing and it all comes apart easily. It's fucking amazing. I just sit there, every time somebody does one of these knots, I just think, who the fuck figured that out? You know what I mean, how the fuck did you figure that out?

Yes, there was no TV people just sat around rope just fucking what if I did this What if I made a loop and stuck it through the other loop and went around here and up and down over and under and all Of that shit. I'll tell you what is annoying is the amount of times you got to watch the video over and over and over again. But I don't know. What's funny is I like learn how to do them and then I immediately forget like how to do it because they're fun. It's some it's some's some goddamn elaborate shit. I

will tell you that but Anyway, this is what I want you guys to do if you're football fans I want you to really enjoy this season as far as just enjoy the fact that it's football season I was really trying to do that Yesterday just really I just kept telling myself. It's week one that yesterday, I just kept telling myself it's week one. How great is that? I have, it's football season.

It always goes by in a blink of an eye and I'll always be on anything better with Virzio and it would be like week nine, like, oh my God, we're over the hump already. It's already half over. The fastest regular season in all the four major sports in the United States is football season. Your team plays once a week.

That's it. 17 fucking games. That's it. And then it's a fucking wrap. Then you're into the playoffs and you're excited about the playoffs. Cause you want your team or you know, you got money on it or whatever. And you don't also realize that the playoffs means there's only like five weeks left or whatever. And then next thing you know, you, you know, you're all excited about the

Superbowl and then the Superbowl happens and team wins and all of this shit. What does that mean? How many rings does this person have? And how could this person do that? And then all of a sudden, the next week comes by and there's no football. And you're like, what the fuck happened? My God, it's over again. But they do have it worked out though,

because you only have to ride it out for two weeks and then it's March Madness. over again. But they do have it worked out though. Because you only have to ride it out for two weeks and then it's March Madness. And then right after March Madness, baseball starts, NBA, NHL playoffs. And then those fucking things end. Then you got the dog days of summer. But by then MotoGP has started up, right? Well, that starts up in February, but it's getting good. You know, you're sitting there.

I got to watch this week's by the way. I heard it was good. I got a friend of mine, BT comedian, and he always, you know, if it's a good one, he'll always be like, did you watch? Did you watch? So I know it's going to be a good one. So I got to check that out. All right.

That's it. That's the podcast for this week. Thank you so much to everybody that made the journey down to the cavern. I've played some amazing places and that is just right up there with all of them. And I'm so happy for Dean. It's such a Dean Del Rey special. It just is. It's just like, you know, he had on his Brian the Bootmaker fucking boots, custom made boots. Brian the Bootmaker was in the fucking crowd. He had his fucking, his glad like Dean, Dean just has, you know, he doesn't have a lot of stuff, but every, everything he has is top of the fucking line. He picks the fucking coolest venue that no comedians even knew about. And of course he found out through like musicians and all of that stuff.

And then he went, I was so proud of him. We were at the hotel gym earlier in the day and he was just Dean and I was so proud of him We're at the hotel gym Earlier in the day and he was just Dean and I was just sitting there going like thinking in my head like this guy Isn't nervous at all. He doesn't seem on edge He's not asking me for any advice. I'm like, I think this guy's fucking locked in so how we did it was I did 20 before him and 20 after him and He went up first show. And I watched like the first 20 minutes and I was just like, oh, this guy's got it. He's got it on the first one.

And I went outside the cave because I had to FaceTime my kiddos. And I came back in and he was rapping. I could just see it on his face when he got off stage. It's funny when you when you have your first special or whatever you come off stage and if it went really well like it did with Dean you have like this goofy dopamine smile on your face and he had he had that look and I was like, alright, that's fucking great. So the rest of the set went awesome too. And then he was just totally loose and having a great time on the second one. So proud of him. I can't wait for them, Marcus, to edit it and get that thing out there.

All right. So that's it, people. That is the podcast. Go fuck yourselves and I will check in on ya in a couple of days on Thursday. Alright.