Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast Epilogue 9-12

Episode Date: September 12, 2012

Nini answers the Fuck List question.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and this isn't the Monday Morning Podcast. This is the special, the epilogue from last week's Monday Morning Podcast, where yours truly, the wonderful host of this show, don't even say truly, yours truly, promised that I was going to have Nia answer the question, the provocative question, the fuck list. So first of all, let's welcome the lovely Nia to the epilogue. How are you? I'm great, Bill. Thanks for having me. Well, I thank you, Nia. That was very professional. What was that all about? Why was that so professional?

I don't know. I do. Why? You did something when you were away. That was very guilty. Hello, Bill. How are you, person? What do you mean? I did something when I was away, when I was in London. You know, Jack, okay, get your promo out. When I was in London shooting the pilot that I wrote, produced and directed for a possible travel show.

I didn't, I didn't write it and I didn't direct it, but I did produce and host it. I'll take a compliment. Yeah, it's a travel, a travel show pilot that I did with two friends. It was amazing all about the, uh, what the black experience in different parts of Europe are like. Racist. Starting with London. What if I went over, what if I went to Europe and did the white experience? Why don't you?

I'll start in Germany. Yeah. I'll start in Germany. I'll start in Germany. I'll start in Germany. I'll start in Germany. I'm having you. Yeah.

I'm having you. Yeah, I'm having you. Yeah. I'm having you. You don't need your papers. You are so white, you need no papers. Um, all right, the fuck list, here's the question. Bill, uh, I wake up at my girlfriend's house. She leaves for work. I love this guy. It gets right into it.

I can't find my socks. They banged. Um, she says I have some. I have some just use mine and leaves. All right. Now, first of all, why is his feet the same size as hers? Who wants socks are stretchy? Look at your socks. I know, but I wear a little colorful ankle socks, like girly socks that most girls do.

Most girls do. But I mean, maybe she has gym stuff for those, those bitches we saw last night in the CrossFit thing. Why are they bitches? Just because I got to get you going here. We watched that on ESP. They were awesome. These girls were rips.

CrossFit. These girls, right? CrossFit games. They look like cornerbacks with titties. That's what they look like. That girl, that one, that, that one round we saw, I didn't look like that. She looked really sexy. No, no, no.

Up top, up top. She looked like a roided up. Who's that, that girl you watch on? Uh, oh my God, I ate too much. Help me. The biggest loser. Oh my God. I ate too much. I got to find it in my brain. Jillian, she looked like a roided up and then she had regular girly legs and she had a nice little butt and she, no, she had a great figure.

She looked amazing. No, she was doing those muscle ups. That's going to make your, your shoulders and shit really big, but she didn't look right at that. She just looked muscular. Remember when Dennis Rodman wore the wedding dress? That's what she would look like a prom night. Um, no, I'm kidding.

She was, uh, I don't know, oddly sexy, yet, uh, frightening. That's only cause you know, she could kick her ass. Oh, absolutely. Anybody could kick my ass. I have the worst hand-eye coordination ever. I don't say that. What I have, what I have me, I have heart. I have that classic cut. I ain't going down, hit me over the head with a hubcap. I'll keep coming at you, but I swear to God, I took some martial arts classes. I literally, they were saying what punch was coming and I would still get hit by it. I just can't.

I just, I didn't know you took martial arts class. I've, I, I, I took martial arts class the way somebody comes up and look, I did stand up a couple of times and then consider some self a comedian. I'm no, I went down to karate for a month and I don't remember anything. No, I went to a jujitsu class and it was like literally, like literally fighting and it was pilot season and I'm sitting there going like, what am I doing down here? All right. I'm fucking, I was already in my mid thirties.

I don't give a shit how old you are. I mean, by the time you're in your mid thirties, somebody can come in with, with a fucking the mailbox and just smash it over your head. You're done. I just did that for all the psycho competitive guys out there. Actually, I'm 47. Um, all right, the fuck list. Oh, why did you just fucking sign me out for no goddamn reason? That's fucking you leave the timing of that right as I go back to it.

So where were we though? Oh, he was, he was about to put on her fucking. Oh, I was going to say, sometimes I, we get, we would get our socks mixed up the like gym socks. So it is possible. No, no, no, but the second I went to put them on and went halfway up my foot, I went, I think these are yours with this guy. It's a viable option for him to walk around all day with his fucking lady socks lady.

All right. Um, I wake up later and I look, I look for the sock drawer top drawer. Right, drop to a right is what he's saying. And I find this list with about 20 to 30 names on it. Oh, and this guy brought this up and he goes in. My name is near the bottom. I missed that the first time I read it. So thank you.

Good, uh, good looking out there on Twitter. Um, some of check marks on them, et cetera. That's okay. I asked her about it. Uh, well, and while she was initially up its upset, it turns out to be her fuck list. She made it after we got together with some friends drunk one night. She then admitted to being somewhat of a whore. Her words, not mine before we met, but assures me that she hasn't done anything

since she met me with anyone else. I do believe her, but I totally blew up on her and we haven't been talking for a few days. I also look a bit creepy as to why I went through her drawer. Uh, it was, it wasn't an envelope. I need help because I need help here on this. Yeah, but you know what? That's what you get for snooping around. No, but this is the thing.

You are a creep from snooping until you find something. Cause then you have the, well, well, maybe I, see, I knew I should have looked. I just felt something. You could just be a total straight up creep looking just cause you're a creep. But if you find something, you can get out of it. Sony goes, I need help on this one. Do I apologize? She already has.

Do I just say fuck it and forget about it? What's Nia's take on this? Now this is something I want to add in here that I missed the first time. He said his name was near the bottom. It doesn't mean that this list is in chronological order. I know, I'm just saying, but it also could be. It could be or it could not be. Sometimes it's just like in the order in which you just remember.

Well, then shouldn't she say his name first? If she even remotely gave a fuck. Oh, she was drunk with her friend. It's not like she's, she's going for accuracy here. What are you fucking Matlock? You have like every defense for this person. All right, let's, let's hear your take. I'm going to shut the fuck up.

I was going to say, isn't that why, isn't that why I'm here? Yeah, thank you very much. But I'm here to always be an annoying asshole. Good. Um, there's something slightly creepy and mildly psychotic about making fuck list. However, a lot of girls have done them. I've certainly done them. It's just the thing that you do because you've got this voice in the back of your

head saying how many people did I sleep with? Who was it? You know, I've never even done that. Okay, I just go in my head. I go, ah, fucking Kim, Kathy, Susie, fucking that chick with the jello shots. Well, girls like to make lists. We like, we like writing things down, like to journal. Oh, is that what it is?

So it's not really in like a fucking horny thing. It's just like you go into the, it's not a whole, and she means she was, had went through a slutty phase on a horny phase. She should get the terminology right unless she was in fact. What's the difference between a slutty phase and a horny phase? A slut is just someone who just likes to sleep around and sleep with a lot of different people and have a good time. A whore is someone who is fucking people to get something out of it.

That's a whore. That's the difference. Wow. That's what I think. Yeah, I don't think I can argue with that. Yeah, but there is something whorey about being a slut. There's something slutty about being a whore. All right, I just got lost on that one.

Yeah, it got deep. But you know what? I think, I think he should let it go. I mean, it wasn't an envelope. Come on, leave it alone. But he saw it and he's, he's right to feel, he's right to feel a certain kind of way about it because if I found a list or, you know, a notebook or whatever it is you have, but the fact that it's in an envelope, yeah, to me,

seems like it's a work in progress. If she scribbled it down on a cocktail napkin and then threw it away, or even it was crumpled up in her jeans, as they say in my Espanol, that's Spanish for jeans, jeans, that's the way they say it. And I was fucking saying it back to it, going jeans. And they kept saying, I was saying jeans wrong. You and your Rosetta Stone has got to be the funniest thing that you've done this year. You know what?

When I'm bilingual, you wait me, I'm going to bilingual. I'm going to get, I'm going to become filthy bilingual. And you wait to the shit that I'm saying that you don't even fucking understand when we're in the wreck. I look forward to it. Of course you do with your fuck list. All right. Wait a minute, the fact, the fact that it's in an envelope

right, it's in a fucking envelope. Yeah, she's keeping it private. Keep out. Yeah, because it was so this is what I'm not. This is what I'm really, you're going to call that a document. Your dick W nine for the fuck out of here. To me, this girl is she's not done fucking yet. Okay, this, this is, and what's the deal with some of them have check marks?

Some of them don't. That's either a performance thing. Yes, look at that face. You can't see the face you just made. That's either a performance thing. That could be a lot of things that could be these are the ones that really put it on me to me at the ass. These will be the ones that I really like.

These will be the ones I love with the ones I only blew or whatever. Who knows? Did she not have a guide at the bottom? Did he check for that while he was snooping around? Did he look for the fucking, you know, bibliography to go back to cross reference with those check marks mean stay out of the drawer in the private notes, creepo. Wait a minute.

No, he, he went in the drawer to get socks. I get it. Can I say something? No, I don't know that if a woman really has the right to tell a guy not to snoop. Why is that because of your guy's history? But then again, wait a minute, wait a minute. History of what snooping? You guys all do it.

All right. But then, but, but that kills my argument because that would be like, uh, then I should have no right to give you shit for fucking around because guys do it too. So that, that, that argument stuck. All right. So I think, so what do you think is, what should this guy do? Should he apologize? Should he, what should he apologize and let it go?

Move on. How exactly. She apologized. Listen, I'm sorry. I went to get a pair of your Chris Everett socks and I found your fuck list. And then I got upset about it. Yeah. I'm sorry.

And like blew up at you about it. Cause she apologized. Why isn't my name as that guy brilliantly mentioned, why isn't my name at the bottom of the, or the top of the list? It's not chronological. You're just throwing down names. Maybe you, maybe she started off being like, okay, who was the first guy? And then she went down the list and then she got things got thrown in there.

It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. She's with him now. So stop focusing on the, I, you can ask your question. Dude, isn't it weird that she just has this like a fucking serial killer has like this trophy? That's why I said, that's why I said it's weird and mildly psychotic that she has a fuck list, but we, but a lot of girls do it.

I have done it. It's one of those things that you do. So you're saying you're weird and mildly psychotic. You're speaking out of both sides of your mouth here. I'm not, I'm not, you don't think it's weird and mildly psychotic to do that. Yes. I admit, but then you're saying, but if a lot of women do it, if a lot of people do something, doesn't, doesn't it become mainstream and not be psychotic?

I guess so. I mean, maybe it's more normal than you think, but it's, it's a little weird. So, I mean, unless you're trying to trace back like an STD or something like that, then, but people do it all the time. That's another reason for possibly the check thing. I wasn't itching with him. No, he should just be like, listen, I'm sorry. I freaked out.

Let's just move on. You know what I mean? Like if there's a bigger issue and what should she say, she's already apologized to him. He said, but what would you, what, what, what do you think? I'm sorry. I think she said it all made a fuck list. Yeah.

I was drunk with my girlfriend. We made a little list and I'm, I'm, I'm sorry. I, she admitted that would make somebody feel uncomfortable. If she found it, she would feel fucked up about it. I would feel fucked up. I wouldn't want my girl being out there with all her friends. And then I fucked this guy. I sucked his dick.

Don't guys talk about, don't guys talk about what girls they sleep with. And then I come walking. Yeah, but it's different. Why? Why? I'll tell you why. Why did you just say it like that? Why?

I'll tell you why. First of all, physically, we're doing the fucking. Oh God, this fucking argument. Yeah. Yeah. And secondly, a guy has a right to brag about getting laid because for us, it's a fucking skill. You could go out any night of the week and walk into a barbie like,

Hey, who fucking wants it? Yes, that's exactly what we can do. You could get a fucking, you could get a three on one on a goddamn fucking pool table if you wanted to. A guy, I don't give a fuck what he looks like, unless he's a fucking movie star and they just throwing themselves at him. And then even then they're going to try to get fucking knocked up, take the old turkey baster to the used condom and then fucking, you know, that move,

the NBA move. Huh? I don't know that move. You don't know that move. Okay. You don't have that on your fucking. No, the reason, the reason why a woman is a whore, it's this, I used to do a bit about it.

It's like a fat guy eating an ice cream in public where he's like, how good, how good if you do it? Nobody cares when I do. It's like, what a fat fuck because it's gluttonous. It's gluttonous. Your guys pursuit of sex takes absolutely no skill whatsoever. You are a fucking moron. Either than, other than before, and I'll say it again.

Let me finish my dumb thoughts. The only thing you have to worry about is which one's the rapist? Once you, once you get, once you get past that, it's just a field of dicks. Maybe that's why you have guys make lists. Well, well, well, Dick Weaver, you're an idiot. You know, something that was, listen, a lot of my, you're very ignorant. A lot of my shit is deliberately ignorant, but there's a nice point in there somewhere, which is what a little rose boo boo boo.

Um, remember where my point is? My point is the reason why we don't fucking respect the fact that you guys go out and do it is because it takes no skill because guys will fuck anything that moves basically. Okay. You want it even, but even the fact that we will fuck everything, anything that moves, we still got to fucking do a little tap dance before it. Uh huh.

Yeah. Look at you. We, you know something I'm old enough to realize when you get that look on your face, even if I'm making a great point, you don't want to fucking hear it. You already have your mind made up. You know what it is? You don't have a comeback to this other than to sit there with your stupid eyebrows doing whatever they're doing right now.

It is true. You know, don't you remember that time when I was trying to explain to you? This is a great story. I'm going to tell, I'm going to tell the podcast people this because I'm so sick of looking at your face. One time we were in a bar, right? And we were talking about whatever, what it was like to be a guy and all that shit. And I was sitting there telling her, you know, to get laid, you know, you got to

have fucking, oh, you said, you know, guys, oh my God. They used to just say the dumbest things to me. That's what you said. I said, really? I go, let's flip the tables. Let's pretend I'm in control and you were over there. Oh, right. And I had to come make them hit on me and you want to talk about bombing.

So she's sitting there just with her fucking non-existent game. Like, Hey, I see you're drinking and drinking your glass there. And I have game and I was being a total fucking jerk to you. And at one point you go, you just be, you're just making this difficult on purpose. And what did I say? I said, welcome to my world. Oh, I see. And the whole bar went, oh, you start high fiving the birds.

That's what should have happened. If I was mic'd up, that would have happened. Oh, see, now all you're doing is mocking the great point that I made because you know, don't you fucking plow through it. It's difficult, isn't it? When I was being a fucking jerk thinking, isn't that the craziest feeling? Like, what the fuck do I say? How do I get into this?

That's what guys have to learn how to do. You guys don't have to do that. All you have to do is come to know how to flirt. What? Come in with half your titties hanging out and stuff. They're like, no, that's what flirting is fucking slowly put the straw in your mouth. No, it's a whole like seductive technique, you know, it's like being charming and funny and like sexy, putting your hand in his forearm for just a second

and then taking it away. And this isn't something like fucking Cosmo list of how to get a guy interested in you. I'm just saying that wasn't a Cosmo list. That was that was that is something that I learned. That's something that's something I learned. Do it. What putting your this girl one time when we finally fucking hooked up, you know, as always, I was stunned that it happened.

And then she was like, fucking, uh, what did she say? How did you not know I liked you? It's like, well, you never fucking say that she goes. I put my hand on she goes. I put my hand on your arm and like that to her was a sign of I want to have sex with you. Well, no, not that she liked me that she was interested. Oh, OK, like the physical contact thing. OK, I guess so.

You seem pretty confident when you were hitting on me. That's because I had been bombing for years. No, I got. Yeah, you get to you get to the point where you don't give a shit. If I had to do it now, forget it. It'd be like taking five years or six years off of fucking stand up. Yeah, I mean, I feel like my flirtation at the mention. I'm old and balding like that.

That doesn't help either, but I am making some money. I am making some money. So that that trumps a lot of shit. That's like me wearing a little horrid dress. If you come fucking walking in with money, what do you mean? First of all, I'm making money now. It's not like you're walking around dripping in like diamonds and Rolex watches and stuff and driving, you know, a Porsche where you read, I have money.

You're walking in there. I would go out of 50 Boston sports related t-shirts that you have. OK, with your socks pulled up and your old man shorts on my sock. You look like you look like the fucking Little League coach. OK, you're not exactly screaming sexy money guy. OK, so this whole idea. Oh, I make money now. So now the bitches, the bitches be loving me.

No one knows you have money. OK, seriously. Well, maybe that's my little whore repellent. There you go. Dress like a Little League coach. If you have money and you want to keep it, that's what you do. And then every once in a while you go out and I wouldn't even know what to wear. I would watch an old R Kelly video.

Am I supposed to have like not have a have a tie on but have some sort of chain with my face on it? Is that what I supposed to do? I don't know. One of these days, needy, I'm going to I'm going to go down to fucking Hollywood Boulevard of Sunset where all those whores are walking around. Well, I watch that. You're threatening that. You keep threatening.

You're going to go down. You're going to go down to the W hotel. That's what it is. You're going to go down to the W bar at the W. And have all these young girls ask me where the bathroom is. Right. I don't work here. I'm actually here to intermingle with the opposite sex.

No. Listen, I act my fucking age. All right. I'm not even if you were to fucking dump me. There's no I wouldn't go down to the fucking W. What would you do? I'd go down to the wine bar where all that dusty divorce pussies at and just accept my lot in life. Oh, can we talk about how there's no woman a cougar?

And I said it's they're not cougars if they're the same age as you. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, she wasn't hitting on me. What do you mean? Who was it when she hit on somebody young? Who are we talking about? You said to me, oh, we were out the other night and these cougars came up and talked to us and I said those girls. No, they were up.

I said, they're not cougars if they're the same age as you. Do you realize that female cougars are your age? The ones they call cougars are your. I don't judge them by their age. So for you to say cougars make no sense. Listen, I don't. Those are your peers. I don't I don't judge them by their age.

So then why'd you call them cougars by the lack of age, the lack of elasticity they're fucking. Yeah, no needy. They're there. They're titties were like when they pulled their pants up, like their titties were behind their belt. Okay, they were they were a mess. You know, I'm like, one of them was actually cool and the she was cool.

She was actually like hot for her age and still fucking working out. But she was like beyond the expiration dates. You've actually said, hey, you look good. She goes, thank you. Thank you for noticing the fucking attitude you would like them to have. 25 years earlier, right? So she was cool. The other one was a mess.

I told you, she kicked me in the fucking leg. Oh, yeah, like three times right in the shin because I made fun of her because she was just obnoxious. Okay, we're sitting over here. I was hanging down. I'm not going to mention the person's name, but I ran into a comedian and we were sitting down and they came walking by. So comedies, you know, we fucking made fun of them next thing.

You know, they're sitting down and it was it was horrific. The second they sat down. So the one was cool. The other one was an asshole. What did I say to her? I didn't comment on our age. I did something and she had these big, those big stupid fucking platform horseshoes on that they're all wearing now.

Right. And she fucking kicked me with it was like hitting with a block of wooden for some reason it didn't hurt. She hit me like three fucking times and I just kept laughing at her and then security came over. The whole thing took like 90 seconds. She had that that sound of cigarette and jizz for fucking third. It is, it is what it is.

Come on. She came up. She was in that window, Nene. She came up. It was just herpes. That's when she came up. I think if she if she had like a CB, that would be her handle. Um, oh, one of the last thing I want to, I want to ask you just to get you going

again yesterday, we went out and we got some barbecue. Yes. Um, and we were driving back and there was a name of this store called peekaboo and you're like peekaboo. I wonder what that store is. And I go, it's probably kids clothes. And then you're like, yeah, it is kid clothes. And then I said, what if it was clothes for those people who are full grown

adults, but want to act like babies before you go off on them? There's this group of people. Open Anthony exposed me to this. Uh, they were showing that when they fucking, uh, it's, they were adults and they don't want to grow up and their mother's like 60 or 70. And they're like 35 in a playpen wearing a diaper. God, I go, I can't, oh my God. Stop, stop.

I can't, I can't deal with that. What's wrong with that? I refuse to ever be okay with that lifestyle. And I'm a very tolerant person. What if it was your son, but I, no, no, no, no, it's not going to be my son. What, what if I find that whole thing so repellent pretend I'm your son right now and you're wearing a diaper and you want me to breastfeed you and rock you back and forth and have you play or whatever, mock breastfeed and, and

all that shit. No, get up, get a fucking job. You're weirdo. I think it's so gross. And no, I refuse, I refuse to be okay with the adult baby trend. What if he had a job, what if he had a job, but he, that's when that's just how he rolled when he was in the house, like he chilled and he just wanted to come out of the couch and lay in your lap and have you like tickle his tummy.

No, I mean, as he played with the mobile. People can do whatever they want in their free time. And if they're not imposing it on other people, I guess that's their right. I mean, I know, don't do that. All the comedy dies when you accept somebody, but I don't accept it. I don't. I mean, I have to say though, people should do whatever they want to do. But I just find it so creepy and just wrong to, to be crawling around and

like, I just, what would you do? Fucking weird? What would you do? Your son, he, you know, he took shop class and he thought it was going to be a carpenter, but the only reason why I did it was so he could build himself a giant crib and then he was in there. One day he came home and was like, and he's standing there, standing up in the crib wearing a diaper and a shirt that doesn't quite meet his diaper with his

hands on either side of the rails going. No, I wouldn't be okay with the beard. I'm like, there's, there's, there's a problem and we, we need to get you help because why, why is this your escape? Like by acting like a baby? I don't know. Nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, not into it. Don't like it.

All right. Don't want to see it. What if, what if he went to, I got help and everything was totally fine, but the only side effect was he still wore, he wore an adult feety pajamas onesie and it was baby blue. I can live with that. I suppose. What?

I just, you know, the sound that a onesie makes on hardwood floors. Adults acting like babies is weird to me. It's just like, I don't like girls who like to be like these little girl princesses all the time where they're like obsessed with Hello Kitty and they want to like be a princess and like ponies and cupcakes and this like that, that, you know, making yourself a child. Like, uh, yeah, most of them, according to the Dr. Drew show, they got molested and then you just sort of stopped.

They're like, whatever, whatever age they're acting like they're at something chromatic happened to them. Oh, well, I know the age. Oh, I don't know about that. I just mean like, well, it's only Dr. Drew, what would he know? No, it's actually, it's actually when I did his show and girls would call him and be like, like, what happened to me yesterday?

Okay. They were almost up to a half hour. This is only supposed to be like 10 minutes. Okay. But really doing an entirely different podcast really quickly. Remember, I said yesterday I went into that store and do my own and don't shut up. The, I saw that little white fluffy dog, when those little tiny white, curly, fluffy dogs running around, I was like, Oh, how cute.

And the girl in the shop goes, that's waffles. And I went, Oh, waffles. Okay. Cute. And she goes, I call him that because he looks like a waffle. And I, did she stress out waffle like that? Yeah. Waffle.

And I looked at the dog and I looked at her and I said, is that what a waffle looks like to you? And she goes, well, now I just mean like, he reminds me of a waffle. Like he really more looks like a sheep or a lamb, but I call him waffles. And I just walked away because I can't deal with that because I just feel like you're trying to be like this cute little nonsensical girl. And it's like, why do you feel the need to like dumb yourself down like that? It's like girls need to be held to a higher standard than that.

And not try to like cute their way into things or change their voice when they're asking for tea. I'm sorry. Can I like it? I'm so sorry. Can I like get like a nice tea? Thank you so much. Like, don't do that.

Don't feel like you have to be a baby to get what you want or be. It's annoying. That's what I say. Put your titties away. It's not about earning it. It's just being a fully formed adult. Be an adult. Okay.

We're going to end right now. Can you just please do her saying waffles again? Waffle. Fucking horrific. All right. There you go. There's the answer to your question. And thanks for the guy on our Twitter.

Let me know that the major thing that I missed that that dude wasn't even at the bottom of the list. All right. Not necessarily chronological. We got it. Fucking Matlock. The whole fucking way. I knew you were going to defend her.

Whatever. All right.