Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast Epilogue 9-26

Episode Date: September 27, 2012

The lovely Nia answers another podcast question.

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A little under the weather, but I'm here for you, I'm here for you guys, don't make me laugh too much, but I'm here, yes. You are here, being a fucking trooper, trooper, yeah, I'm a trooper. Well, I'm also on my way to the freaking airport, so we got to do this one quickly, alright? Turning old friend into girlfriend. Alright, now see, and I just thought that this was a question for me, Nia, as most of these are, considering this is my podcast. But you've become such an epic personality on it, that more often than not, these questions start this way. Hey Bill, love the podcast, would really like your, and then in parentheses, and Nia's, if possible, thoughts on the subject. So you've gone up to, not being mentioned at all, to saying Nia, if possible.

Right, yeah, and ask, and you shall receive. Here I am. So you're basically at this level, the same level of the Professor and Marianne on Gilligan's Island. What do you mean, the Professor and Marianne? Because they did, they did the song two ways at the beginning, sit right back and you hear a tail, and they go, Marianne and his wife, the movie star, and then they'd be like, the Professor and Marianne, so they already said them last, but then a couple of times, they'd be like, the movie star, and the rest, and the rest, and the rest? And I want to say, like, they had to have done that first, and then their agents had to have been like, listen, who's kidding who? Marianne is fucking hotter. Yeah, she was definitely hotter. Hotter than Ginger?

I liked her, but I always liked Brunette's better. I'm a Ginger. I'm gonna call Yaba, Daba, Duh. Gonna fucking have the same thing. I like Ginger though. Ginger was, you know, she was the 75. Oh, she was definitely smoking, but I mean. But Marianne was the more, you know, she was the girl next door, she's more accessible. Yes. And I thought the Professor was pretty hot, too. Are we really riffing about a Sherwood Schwartz? We are. All right, let's get into this here. All right. All right, there's a lady I've been friends with for over a decade now. We met in college, and for about a year or two, back then, I would have considered her one of my closest friends. That means he's jerking off to her. I really, I really cherish our friendship.

She walks away. I'll stop it. Yep. Yep. And then he feels really bad. And then he goes to church, and he gives money. And that money is used in a pedophile case. You know, so ladies, you're really taking it to a whole other level. Get out there and bang those friends. Yeah. Do it for the kids. Oh, God. During that whole time, she had a boyfriend. So I never thought about making a move. Stupid and lack the confidence to do so. Anyways, it's not a husband. As time went on, we gradually lost contact. Until recently, I found her on Facebook. Like you do. Like you do. And we spoke for the first time in eight years. We live in the same city. So I suggested we get together and catch up, which she is enthusiastic about, and is going,

and it's going to happen sometime soon. Now for the details, we're both single and 30 years old. She's recently divorced, no kids, clean break with little to no drama. Nice. She is beautiful and honestly, one of the nicest people I've ever met. That's funny, because I see a red flag. Oh, yeah, then why the guy just dump her? How do you know that she didn't dump him? Oh, come on. Oh, come on, what? Seriously? Seriously? What are you basically on? People get divorced for a lot of reasons. Stop it. I had no point. I just wanted to annoy you. Back when we were close, I was okay looking, but extremely skinny and shy. Since then, I put on about 25 to 30 pounds of fat and muscle, distributed pretty evenly. This guy's an honest guy. So I'm looking much better. And that has

boosted my confidence. Yeah, because you can use your gut to pin him against the bar. You're going home with me. That's disgusting. My question. She has only known me as the friend zone guy, the classic Chris Rockbit, but does eight years with no contact or races. And do you think I might have a shot with her? Any advice on how to go about this and how to act and what to say on the night we catch up would be greatly appreciated. Thanks in advance. PS, one thing may be an issue here. After I suggested a catch up, I checked on her Facebook page and it turns out that she changed her status from married to single only a day or two earlier. How would you find that out? Because he was watching. He's been stalking her on Facebook. Yeah.

Well, he knows every little fucking change she makes. Yeah, but this could be as hard though. It could be as hard, you know, yeah, but I think at a certain point you got to step away from the Facebook. Yeah, but without that is he wouldn't he wouldn't have seen it. But anyway, she goes to his butt in real life. That's true. She said she spent signal for a few months. Yeah. So that was inadvertent rotten timing on my part. Hopefully I don't come across as tackless opportunity opportunistic douchebag. No, no, no, no. No, not at all. I don't think so. No, because they were probably separated for a long time, you know, but still technically married. Look, no marriage falls apart in three weeks. She was already mentally out. You know, yeah, they're probably having problems.

They separated. He moved out or she moved out, but she's still technically married. She's sleeping in the bedroom. He's downstairs on the couch or whatever, or they're in separate places. They may not even be in the same. They may not say like that. She could be paying for the house. I didn't mean it like that. I was saying like that weird, like the end of the relationship where you're in the same place and like you got to pass each other in the kitchen, you know, and act like you're on a subway and don't know each other. Well, I guess that does happen if people can't afford to go and get their own places. But yeah, you think in an ideal situation, they wouldn't have to still be under the same roof looking at each other and thinking about all

the things that went wrong. So he wants to know, does the eight years of not contact erase the past? Yeah, does that erase the friend zone? No, it does not. No, it doesn't. I don't know that it doesn't erase the friend zone. But first of all, how does that work? Like, I can't hang out with someone who has a vagina and not eventually want to bang him bang him. If I'm staying with a mom, yeah, unless yeah, unless I'm just completely not attracted to them, which means they would have to be some sort of, you know, major car accident or something. That's a horrible thing to say. No, it doesn't. It doesn't. No, it's more like you guys have a history of friendship, but it can always change because things change at what point when you when when you're hanging

out with somebody, would you be like, Oh, this person's you like, because I would just think if if you're hitting it off and you'd be like being friends, yeah, that eventually aren't you thinking like, Well, hey, you know, maybe maybe this will go to the next level. Yeah, it does cross your mind. So what exactly does a guy do? How can we avoid this purgatory because none of us want to be friends with you? Really? We look if I'm banging with you, then a friendship bang with you. If I'm banging you, then I can become friends with you by discovering who you are after the act. But you don't think that people can be friends with each other and hang out and and not have that energy between them? Listen, I'm a closer. I'm I was hoping to give you a spit take.

No, I don't know. Is she drinking your I'm sick tea. I You're you have this philosophy that I'm friends with guys and friends with you. Yeah, exactly. You're not friends with women because you're one of those people that doesn't think that men and women can really be friends because the sex thing always gets in the way, which I used to feel big time. Yeah, I don't know. But I don't think that's true anymore, because I'm friends with guys and it's that's it's not like that. Because it's not 100%. It's not really it's a maturity thing. Yeah, absolutely. I don't know. Maybe well, all right, well, you know what, it's not like I'm not we're gonna waste time on this thing actually trying to defend that I'm a mature

human being. I'm not there would be no point. I don't like how I just trashed myself then you piled on. I did. So anyway, I don't think that the eight years, it doesn't how to get out of it. How does this guy get out of it? You go and you mean and you you take it up a notch. Now you're both single. You're both older and wiser. Don't stop speaking in code. Take it up a notch. What you throw some sugar in there like a Mario Battale. You know what's his name? Emilio Estevez. What's the name of that fucking cook? Emeril. I got some sugar. Bam. And the guy goes nuts. Emeril. Yeah, you just you flirt with her. You just maybe compliment her a little bit more than you did before and all that kind of stuff. But take it slow. Start hanging out more. All right, you know

what, make it but make your attention. Okay, okay, you're the dude. Okay, and I'm the chick. Oh, in the friend zone. After eight years. Right. All right, we're meeting. Okay. And we see each other. Hey, oh my God, look at you. You look amazing. How you doing? Oh, thank you. Well, you know, considering yeah, marriage just ended. I'm sorry to hear about that. I don't know what there's a lot of carbs in this restaurant. That's really Oh, we don't have to eat here. You want to go. Okay, I saw some things on the menu. Yeah. So well, we could go wherever you want. It's up to you. Okay, yeah. I'm sorry to hear. I was just bringing that negativity. And that's why I was never this person. I was never this person. He brought that in. I remember. I remember you.

Okay. And you were the most positive, radiant person I've ever met. Oh, stop. I have no doubt. No, seriously, I have no doubt that it wasn't it wasn't your fault. Listen, I know it takes two, two to tango to the end of relationship, jumping into this met the hostess yet and you're just wow, I have to admit, I'm excited to see you. Can we two please? It's nice. It's been a while since I felt somebody was excited to see me. I am excited for a while to see I got to admit. But anyway, tell me tell me what else is going on with you. At what point are you going to throw a joke out there? If I could just interject, you got to make a laugh at some point. Well, I'm sorry. I'm not a professional friggin comedian. All right. Anger is going to get you

nowhere. All right. You want to eat inside? Whatever you want to do. Okay. Well, you're inside. Okay. All right. Can I get you want something to drink or? Oh, yes. What do you want? I'll have a merlot and leave the bottle. Okay. Just a lot of stress. Yeah, I understand. Can we get a bottle of your house merlot? Thank you. You want some food or like a salad or burgers or anything. So what are you been doing? You look different. Well, you know, yeah, muscular and kind of fat and all work. I've been trying to take care of myself. I got to admit to you. I wanted to look nice for you tonight. Fuck this. What what like I personally I would throw my theories out here. What I would do is I would come in and immediately try to make her laugh.

And at some point, I would point out how gorgeous some other woman was that just walked by like, wow, the girls, you know, and because I would be like, Oh, you like her? Is that what you're fucking into that? But but me kind of start steering it towards the sex thing to get out of the friend zone. Wow, you've changed. You're like really forward now. Is your hand on the side of my breast? That's not really a hug. Is it? That's ridiculous. That's a terrible idea. That's the name of my next special. What? That's ridiculous. That's a terrible idea. That sums up all of my theories. No, no, no, he should go in there and be he should be flirtatious with her. And have it not you. So you can then get the motor running. You can then get no you're you're

to this set. You're right. Because it shouldn't be too much dwelling on the past. And oh my god, what happened? And I'm so sorry about that. And it shouldn't be so you want to get her out of that exactly. I think he wants to go in and just be like, I'm living life. Yeah, bringing this. He's got to light up. He's got to go magic Johnson on this one, right? Right. Exactly. Not Korean. He's got to be magic, not Korean. That's right. Yeah, but no, you should go in there, be flirtatious, be complimentary. Definitely. Definitely. But don't be in a predatory way. I don't know that this guy really understands the balance or maybe he does and he's just got to know he does. He's a silent stalker. But he doesn't want to be too far the other side, because then it's like,

what happened to you used to be so nice and all of a sudden you're a creepo. So he's got to be able to bring like that flirtatious sexy energy without being totally disgusting. You guys picking up on this. This is this is why it's so hard for guys to get laid because it's literally like dismantling a bomb. It's got to be the perfect combination of flirty, but not creepy. Yeah, yeah, but not overbearing, but not disinterested or whatever. If I'm using that word correctly. Listen, I think you've helped without a doubt. I'm sorry. I just don't know. It's just that I have to go to the fucking airport. Shout out to Jacksonville. Shout out to Jacksonville. I'm coming to that strip mall out there to the comedy zone with dude, I called it. What did I say? What did I say?

Robinson Cano. Dude, Robinson Cano. Paul Versey. I was guessing that your Paul Versey impression. It's really I'm just I started to do Bobby and then I tried to tone it down. I thought it sounded like Bobby. Yeah, anything that's did that's Bobby. Yeah, that's Bobby. But that's just become a generic sort of impression kind of like your generic female voice. Yeah, which kind of sounds like a stereotypical gay man. It's a little bit different. I twist it up. Oh, I see. I twist it up just a little bit. Yeah, I never claimed to be Michael Winslow. Okay, I'm a one trick pony. I see something. It makes me angry. And then I yell about it. Just tell this guy. I'm excited. I'm excited for this guy. That's what I want to say. I'm excited for this guy to

reconnect with her to possibly take it to the next level because I think they've got a great foundation. Your friends. Yeah, I don't know. It's nice. It's a nice story. And it's a he seems like a nice guy. Going there and make it happen. But it doesn't necessarily have to happen on the first meeting. You know, you meet up. Oh, that's the kind of flirty you walk away. Nothing happens. And then you hang out again, then you're playing ping pong. And it's just like, well, you just got to learn not to get into that friend zone. You got to make it more about like how she's attractive. Make it clear that you're interested in her. And you've always said you just reach across, you put your hand on the forum and you say, listen, listen to me. I really hope this isn't too

forward. But I have always always, you know, you know, you got to maybe pull the move you pulled on me. What do you what do you mean? When you when you were like, let's share a cab when we were living in New York. And I was like, why? Why do you want to share a cab? And I said, because I want to kiss you. Yeah. And that was like the perfect thing to say. Sexy, it's honest. It's like, you know, kind of sets the mood. I looked at your app, then I looked away. You can't say that and then continue to stare at them. That's the world series of Pokemon when you go fucking all in, you go all in and then you stand up you walk around walk around the table. Here comes the river. Right. Exactly. I'll take

a cab with you. I was fucking I was on my game that night. You were and we got in the cab and you said is would ride along and that fucking jerk off was driving like a maniac. He said, you're going to kiss me yet. And I said, no, I'm waiting for a red light red light and then we kissed, right? That's true. Then what happened? We drove again, the guy's being a maniac and then he slowed down and you like, it's another red light. And then that was it. And I was in bingo, bingo, and then hit a fuck I am years later with the dog living with you and it's awesome. So good luck to you, sir. That was a nice ending, wasn't it? It was sweet. All right, what can I hype? Can I pour out my stuff? Because I forgot to say my new special you people are all the same

is going to be available for download off of billbird.com on October 1st. USA time. I don't know what, but it's going to be there. We'll probably try and put it up. Did you say USA time? Yeah, I got people in Australia and a bunch of people. October 1st is USA time. I'll go fuck yourself. Thank you to everybody who sent me all the nice comments. People liked what I did on Twitter. I'm sorry to those on Twitter on Conan. They tweeted me. There you go. And they said that they enjoyed my performance and I had a I had a great time. I thought you I thought you did an amazing job on Conan. It was hilarious. People were really taken aback by your Steve Jobs. Yeah, but they weren't though. They were but they weren't. Come on, man. You know what it is. It's

like those are a bunch of happy people who came out to Hollywood wanted to go to a TV tape and they're all in a great mood. And all of a sudden this 44 year old curmudgeon comes out. It took half a second and they got on board. I had a good time. No, it was funny. Yeah. And Conan was awesome. Yeah, as always. He just started teeing me up and band of horses really likes you too, which was a fantastic band. I don't know if you guys watch the whole Conan you should have because band of horses band of horses is at the Troubadour on Thursday night. Yeah. Yeah. And so if you you want to see these guys I would love to see them actually you should go. Yeah, they are a kick ass band and they loved you and they're opening up for Willie Nelson coming up.

So it's oh my god. Usually when they come through here, like my buddy saw him at like the Wiltern Theater, which is like a 3000 seater. So the Troubadour, you know, yeah, it's a good good venue. Yeah, what is that? Like that holds like 400 people. That's like they're coming over to your house. They're probably sold out already. I don't know why we going with the negative. No, no, no, it can happen because they're so great at assuming that they're going to be sold out. But anyway, all right, well, I'll try to I'll try and see if I can get you something. All right, I have to go to the airport. The lovely near everybody. I hope you enjoyed the the epilogue. Well, I'll talk to you on Sunday. Maybe I can drag Verzi onto the podcast. I'll see you.