Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast: Jay Mohr Edition

Episode Date: January 17, 2014

Bill sits down with Jay Mohr.

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Ever since we got the wonderful All Things Comedy Studios over here in the middle of fucking nowhere, every once in a while I like to have a high-powered Hollywood celebrity. I started off with the always lovely Dave Kekner, and hitting in the two-spot, we got the one and only Jay Morse. Jay Morse is legendary! Dude, I actually was going to try to do your Tracy Moring. Bill Burr, his middle name is Frederick, because he got pregnant. That's why I named him William Frederick Murr, because he was going to be president, goddammit.

I got president there, I got man pregnant. Do you know I listen to your radio show all the time? I hope so, it's fun. By the way, I could see in your eye, it pains you just to do that intro. It's great to watch Bill Burr just saying all things, like just to have a semi-corporate weave through. I was trying to, do I bring up Dave Kekner's name and then say, your name will that piss you off, do I pipe this, did I fuck it up with that?

Why, because you sent me to Glendale, I'm supposed to have a red-ass when I come in here? It's not Glendale, I don't know where this is. I know, but the directions. Said Glendale. The iPhone took me there. This is right here, you're the last horrific 45 minutes of your life where you're pretending like you didn't scream at the windshield and call me every name in the book.

I didn't, I don't care. You looked away when you said no, I understand it. Look, you're not, what are you, the closer now? I don't really care. I don't, do you swear on this? I'm just saying that this, like this is why I try not to have guests because it just becomes a fucking nightmare. It's fun though.

I like talking to you. You know, we always have a good time when we sit and talk and more stories. We have a great time. We have a good time, me and Bill Burr. We were debating, we were debating doing this whole thing in a very annoying Boston accent the entire time. No, you and Jay Mois? Yeah, dude.

You can Bruins vs. the Leafs at 4. 4 o'clock, Bruins vs. the Leafs. I got to move my cards downstairs on Dorchester in Sydney Street. That fucking pussy's coming back that we traded for. Fuck him. Fuck him. Skates like a fucking ref, JJ. He won't go in the corners.

He won't go, he won't go in the corners. He's afraid he's going to get fucking boarded? How the fuck did you get out of the Junior Hockey League? If you're afraid you're going to get boarded, you're fucking pussy. You know what? Skates like a ref. Because his fucking father owns the team. Oh, his father, Shanti Irish.

Always putting on airs at Fathers 2 on fucking Beacon Street. I remember that cock sucking. He was face down in front of the Harper. You know what's funny is I can't even remember who the fuck I'm talking to. I've been on the road so much that I can't remember anybody's name. We traded the guy. We had him. He was Crest Kessel.

He's good. Hell, I like him. He's great. I like the Bruins a lot too. It's a solid team. Yeah, unless you watch them on the West Coast trip when they come down here and they go out and they party. Yeah, it's tough.

It's tough to come West. You go Vancouver and then you scoot down. You just keep scooting a little lower, San Jose. Girls keep getting hotter as you're going down. It's brutal. It's brutal. I think it's hot Vancouver. San Jose is a bit of a wash.

Yeah, but the thing about it is- And then you come to L.A. and Anaheim, you're like, whoa, hockey what? Hockey who? That's right. But even like Vancouver, you know, you walk out of the rink. You're all sweaty. You got to keep your head covered. It doesn't keep you in the night.

I want to go fuck somebody, mood. You know what I mean? You get down here. You walk out of the rink in like a tank top. It's beautiful. I was like, we should be doing this in a park someplace. It is. I never thought being an East Coast guy like myself that I would actually love it out here

and I know that you are from the greater New Jersey area. Yeah, right by the metal lands giant stadium right in the shadows of that in the leafy suburb. If it was like a murder show, if I got murdered in the leafy suburbs of New Jersey. Quiet town. A Tony town called Verona, but this was no gentleman. And people never locked their doors in those towns. Never. And they say I do a whole bit about it.

Like why they must save so much time. Like every day there's one guy early for work because he doesn't lock his fucking door. And I also say. And then after the murder. Yeah. You light up a room. Everybody. Everybody murdered.

Everybody locks the doors. Yeah. And if you get, if you want people to say nice things about you, you really need to get murdered. Because they always say the same thing for women. White women, for those of you scoring at home, when you score cards, white women lead the league in getting murdered. Like it's not even close.

They are the fucking Ted Williams's. I've never seen a black lady in those shows. I've never seen a Latina. I've never seen first 48. Eskimo. I'm talking about like Dateline like in a small town. Oh yeah. Something was brewing at the Waffle House.

But they're going for Ad Money. They're going for Ad Money. There's always a white lady named Pam. And when you die, they always get interviewed and they go, she really lit up a room. That's when you die. You could sense Pam before she even was in the room. She never had a, no, I like this one. No one had anything bad to say about her.

And I'm at home going really, because by my math, there's one guy that had something so bad to say about Pam. Words didn't work. He needed a fucking shovel, a tent, and he needed a long drive to act out those words. My wife sent me a text about this podcast, by the way. Oh no. What did she say? You'll like it.

You know she's the funny one. What time would we be home? Yada, yada, yada. Remember at the podcast, don't fuck up and remember if you are having fun, the audience can see or some shit like that. Be lightning in a bottle and fill the podcast with levels of showmanship and sparkle that will take you to the atmosphere and beyond. That's right.

Yeah. Is she a yoga teacher? No, she's like a podhead comic. Like, oh, she's just funny. Oh, she's being sarcastic. You didn't think I married a batshit crazy person. I had no idea, dude. I never met your wife.

You had like a flash of panic in your eyes. Like, oh my God, Jay Moore's married to Shelby Chong. Yes. I can't make fun of that tech. If she was being serious. No, she's being completely funny. Be lightning in a bottle. Take your career in the podcast, the atmosphere and beyond.

Okay. If you could see the audience, they're having a good time. I'm not the quickest guy, Jay. You are quick. You did that Midwest tour. The red state flyover tour, the Republican tour. This is going to be big theaters. I got to try to make this about you though, Jay.

More stories podcast on iTunes. Get the app. Do you have an app bill bar? No. Monday morning podcast should have its own app bill bar. No, it shouldn't. Fuck that. Work with friends.

Because then what happens is then it breaks down and then you need something else and it's another fucking conference call. I am very happy to be in the bottom third of everything. Just drafting behind all you guys. You're ahead of me. You're way ahead of me. I'm like in the only because I started before you. Oh, no, sir.

No, sir. What date you got coming up, Bill? Wait a second. No, I wanted about you. Let's get back to New Jersey because I actually love New Jersey. I do too. I love it. The food's great and there's all these unbelievable neighborhoods.

Every fucking douche who moves to New York, they go to Newark Airport and they look at all those chemical plants and then they go, this is New Jersey. Yeah. You know, and they might give it up to you and just above the bridge, meaning George Washington Bridge. It's nice up there. And but they just blow off the rest of the state. Where I grew up was a super like foresty and like Little League all where they filmed

the sopranos essentially my town. Verona and Utley called well like Northern New Jersey. Didn't they shoot big out there? The bicycle scenes when he's riding up the street. I don't know. But like Montclair is really beautiful. It is gorgeous and it's great. And Jersey Shore is fun.

I know like the show like made it. I will say it. That ruined it. It did. But when people say like the Jersey Shore was a bad representation of Italian Americans in Jersey, I'm like, I went to Jersey Public School. That's what my ass every day. The situation was waiting for me.

And for no reason. Like it's not because I was running my mouth, which is what the listener would assume. It's just something you probably went to public school in Boston. Sometimes suburbs, safe suburbs, safe suburbs. Sometimes you go to school. It's just for no reason in your understanding. It's just your turn in the barrel that day. You show up and they go, Hey, Matt, even easy is looking for you, man.

You're like, what the fuck did I do? Like, I don't know, man. I think you looked at him when you're in the hallway. Then you got to fake like you have to take a shit. 10 minutes for school ends and then you just jog home. Yeah. But I always tried to avoid. I fought up until like junior high and then everybody like hit their growth spurt.

You know, that kid who has the mustache in eighth grade. So all of a sudden I was like a full six inches shorter than the bigger kids who were running shit. And they had me by like 40 pounds. Like I didn't break a hundred pounds to like my freshman year of high school. I was really like, I wrestled 105 pounds and I didn't have to make weight. I had to go eat just so I didn't have to wrestle 98. Frosted flakes and all that crap. Peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.

Yeah. So I imagine now what you know about nutrition wrestling after eating a fucking peanut butter jelly sandwich. No wonder I sucked. You're out there just globbing peanut butter and burning glucose. My mind the other day when they had that whole thing on 60 minutes about a rod and blah, blah, blah. He did this. He did that and all that crap.

What really fascinated me about that was when the guy who's ratting them out now. Of course is named Tony. I don't give a fuck. What what what industry it is. Now for nothing. Tony. The guy who rolls over somehow Tony Tony. Tony Tony.

Tony could be like and I like what he said and I said this place where I see his children's book. This guy Tony Tony's going to roll over on everybody. Hey, not for nothing president. But you know, Spiro Agnew has been talking to Tony. They went up to go with a different running mate next time around. Not for nothing. If you want to end the Vietnam War, you got to you got to cut ties with Tony.

That's all there is to it. Tony Bosch. And I like what he says. The first thing Alex Rodriguez said to me is I want you to give me what you gave Manny Ramirez. And I'm like, really? He didn't fucking say hello. You idiot. Yeah, you're on 60 minutes.

You're out. If I wish I was a lawyer saving his ass. Don't you wish you were like just could cross examine people like on the spot. Like you could just transform yourself. Like when he's on 60 minutes, Tony Bosch, you could just be in the courtroom and go, he didn't say hello. Really? Exactly.

He just walked in the door in a strip mall in Miami. It said, give me what man he had in 2008. He walked in. He said, attention, please. I would like to do illegal PEDs. And the minute the guy goes, well, he did say hello, you go. So then you're not even being truthful right now. And then boom, Tony's out.

Which, well, the way I take you saying hello is they talked probably quite a while before he finally looked over his shoulder on the park bench or wherever the fuck they were at to be like, hey, did you hook up me? I would actually bring it up like this. Hey, that Manny, he's really been playing great for a while, huh? Yeah. Wink, wink, nudge, nudge. Yeah.

And then he accidentally walked into a steroid lab in a mini mall next to a fucking nail salon. Happy now. Hello. No, that's not next door. Square or round? No, I want HGH. Oh, that's next door.

It's not like you accidentally stumble into the goddamn biogenesis clinic. I'm pretty sure there's some phone calls. Like me, you and I on the way here, I had to call you like, where do I turn all that? I'll be there in about 10 minutes. Little exchange. I want to go. I apologize profusely. First thing he said was I got a text from my wife.

You know what I mean? No, the first thing you said, hey, that Joe Rogan, he's got a good podcast. How do I? Joe Rogan. Yeah, right on the bed. I'm saying you're doing like the Manny Ramirez thing. How does he go that long? Rogan's podcast.

It's like some of them are, most of them are over to it. I did like a three hour podcast with him one time and it was like, it's like a Scorsese movie. It flies by. I was going to say it's never. You walk in, it's light out, you walk out, it's dark and it's great. Yeah. It's like daylight savings times of podcasts.

Yeah. His is great. And it's never like dull. It's very impressive that you, some go for like three hours and he fact checks everything as opposed to mine, which is just completely, it's just horseshit. My fact checks is other people correcting me on Twitter. Yeah. But Twitter and you had one of the best lines ever about Twitter on my podcast when people

go, Hey Bill, what are your thoughts about the Broads this year? It's like, I'm not your personal press conference. Get more friends. You said get more interesting friends. No, somebody said be funnier on Twitter and I just, I said I was, I'm not on the writing staff of your life. Some funnier friends or something. The best thing and you won't block anybody.

You told me. Yeah. I mean, I have, but like, you got to be like ridiculous. If you're just being like ridiculous, um, you know, I don't know, over the top racist or just, just being a dick for like right now, someone's going to do it just to do it because you said it. Yeah. And, but no, I don't, we challenge you to make us block you.

Oh, Jesus. Dad, don't, don't do that. No, that's too late. Hashtag challenge. Hashtag block challenge. Don't do that. I was trying to get to that Tony thing where he said the most amazing thing into that interview because I know your psycho into sports like me is that, you know, a rod, send him a text.

Hey, I got a big game coming up, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And the guy gives him this, the little package, little spa package of Roids and then a rod goes out, hits a couple of doubles in a single has a great game. And they asked him, what did you think after you saw that game? And the guy said, this is like shooting fish in a barrel. And it's literally like how much they've, when you, I'm going back to what you were talking about the peanut butter sandwich before wrestling, how much they've figured out like steroids since we were kids, when like those guys in the seventies, it was like horse tranquilizer,

excuse me. And to what they do now, it's just like this perfect balance that I have a theory. I keep saying this in my pocket, we're all going to be on them. They're going to become safe eventually, safer and safer, like the weed breathalyzer kind of trajectory. And we're all going to be on them full heads of hair, fucking jacked at 80 pulling people out of cars when they cut you off. I'm in that.

That's I'm look, I don't understand, you know, the definition of performance enhancing drug and antibiotic is a performance enhancing drug. If you tear your elbow out and you're a pitcher like Andy Pettit, and then they go, well, it's going to take you a year to recover. Or if you take HGH and shoot it into your elbow socket, you'll be back in eight months in time for the playoffs. Like you have to be a fucking idiot not to take that chance because you want to pitch into playoffs because you're going to get another contract.

So like, what about antibiotics? Like, well, you got strep throat, you can let it run its course, or you could take this urethra mycin, you'll probably be banging it out in about 10 days. Right. And which would enhance your performance because you wouldn't be fucking sick. Yeah. Exactly. Why don't you tell me, can I, can I hear a little, uh, Joe DeRosa requested a little

Harvey Kytel. Can I hear Harvey? What the fuck was Tony Bosch thinking to give steroids to a man like that, Alex Rodriguez? He's not from this country, is he? What the fuck? Everything was fine. Many Ramirez, there was no paper trail. None.

They busted him on fucking female hormones. Then you give it to A-Rod. There's no jobs in his town, are there? Dude, your fucking impressions. I couldn't look you in the eye because I know you're looking at my face because you go, because when I did Collin on mine, you're like, you're doing the face, it's freaking me out. So I actually was staring at a brick wall over your shoulder doing Kytel.

Oh, you know what's great? Like, somewhere around here was where they shot reservoir dogs. It doesn't exist anymore. Like the whole basically the, what the fuck do you call it, where you drain the bodies and all that and you throw them in a box? Cadavers? What's that word? Not cadavers.

The fucking place where you process dead bodies. A morgue? A morgue. There you go. There you go. They were on the loading dock. That was here? Yeah, it was somewhere in here and it doesn't exist anymore.

We closed the loading dock down. We did so much acting. What the fuck was Joe thinking? You shot in the gut, but you don't die from your wounds. You're going to wish you were dead. But it takes days. Dude, how do you do that? I don't know.

There's only some I can. What do you pick up on? Because Harvey Kytel is a guy. It's really just Colin at a different pitch. What the fuck was, what, you know, Colin's down here, you know, what the fuck was Joe thinking? That goddamn animal, you know, he turned the whole place into a shooting gallery. Bang, bang, bang.

If we look, if we could just get in touch with Joe, everything is going to be all right. If we could just get in touch with Joe, everything will be all right. No, but there's something the way you do Kytel, there's that chopping off of the word. Are you a doctor? How you picked that up? I don't know. I have no idea how. And I get asked a lot, a lot of times when I put my baby to bed, I'll just sit, he wants

me to sit on the couch across from his crib. And I'm like, cool. And I'll just say, okay, I'm answering questions on Twitter now. Go. And everyone's like, how do you do impressions? How do you do impressions? And it's like, I can either do them or no, I'll get asked like, what's an impression you're working on?

And I'm like, no, it's never happened in my life. I can either do it the first time I open my mouth or I can never, ever, ever, ever do it. So anyway, you did Louis CK. Oh, that was, yeah, but I don't know if I'm doing the voice. I'm just a fucking guy and I'm sitting here with shit and fucking shit in my hand and fucking asshole cunt kids with fucking nut allergies. Fuck them that fucking fucker fucker with fucking shit in the mouth and I'm a man with

an asshole and I just shit out of it and eat and I just fill it and shit it I'm just a fucking human being shit eat person, man, I'm gonna hang up, well, whatever, I'm gonna hang with you long enough and eventually I want you want to do Louie. No, you I want you to end up doing me at some point. I'll do you. Okay. Okay. I'll tell you that much new studios, things are good, you know, okay, just got back from

the studios, big tour, appreciate all you guys coming out. Okay. All right. Go fuck yourself. I just wish I wish I could do it. I wish you could do you wish you could do you know, I wish you could do what the fuck not just do the ones everybody else does because all I'm doing is and this is why my I think you're the best because you do like so many people do impressions of people's impressions

and the ones that you do nobody else does. There's a guy to I'm really bad with the names the guy who's on that. Oh, Jesus Christ, the fucking nerd show. Big bang theory. Yeah. He used to be on the other show that wasn't 30 Rock that the guy from Friends did. Matthew Perry did a show called the studio or studio 8h or something. Yeah.

I know what you mean. But it's working show. Isn't it? Yeah. And this dude who's on the fucking planet show there, I had a show about like Asperger's. I don't watch that. Big bang theory. I saw him.

He did a Ben Stiller and he did a Tom Cruise that were fucking unbelievable. Ben Stiller does a great Tom Cruise too. Ben Stiller is one of the best impressionists ever when he used to do the Ben Stiller show before Fox when Jeanine Garoppolo and Andy Dick and everybody was on it. When it was just Ben Stiller and this guy, Jeff Khan, just those two were the Ben Stiller show and they would do mashups. They would do like Rain Man on Star Trek. Oh, that's awesome.

It's like who who who took you to space, Ray, with the big smile and the Jeff Com that of the Spock years ago. Yeah, you took me to space and just do like they all the movies, they would just mash two movies together. It was amazing. That's very underrated sketch show too. I feel like when people will go in the greatest of all time, they'll go like Chappelle, they'll go Mr. Show, then they jump over the Ben Stiller show, go straight to in living color.

Then obviously SNL and some of them in the hall, some of them age poorly and some of them don't. There's some that I watch now and I'm like, I don't, this must have been like, like clothing. When you watch old sitcoms and you're like, what the fuck was everybody wearing? I feel that way about comedy sometimes like old sitcoms. My wife said this to me once. She said all sitcoms, no matter how good they are, they're all orange and reruns. They're all like yellowy and weird looking and was wearing like fucking mom jeans and

you're like, what? Like you look at Seinfeld and you're like, this was the greatest show in the history of television. Mom jeans, white sneakers and a mullet and like a Christmas sweater. Like, oh my God. And yeah, of course it's a funny show. You know what kills me is that show is already like some of those early episodes are already like 23 years ago, 24 years ago.

You fucking believe that? And it's weird. And you're, but I'm not saying the comedy is bad. I'm saying it just ages so weird, but my point was I look at comedy, sketch shows and stand up. When I look at old stand up clips and if I listen to old albums, I'm like, wow, this must have been like a 1970s thing because this isn't funny at all. Like it was such a, so who do you think, who do you think holds up or Carlin and prior

hold up? Obviously. Cosby Cosby. Yeah. My first record comedy record I bought was to my brother Russell and that whole second side of just him and his brother in the bed talking, like trying to freak each other out. Like that's that's hysterical and but a lot of it just doesn't.

It's weird. You watch like old, like even like old Red Fox is that you go, oh, he's just like telling jokes. Well, like he's like Jackie, the joke man before Jackie, the joke man. I got one of him. You got to watch it was he's just he's like just telling jokes. Like he's not doing. He doesn't have any material that like, like about that he about you know what I mean?

I have I have an old Red Fox one. It's him basically bombing doing a late show not wanting to basically be on. I don't know why I'm I was just gonna say I don't know why he put it out. I know what happened. He died and then the people and then the people who are making money off of him. You know that shit when somebody they just keep putting out. They put out everything. They put out all this shit that I'm always worry after after somebody passes away.

Be any any sort of artist or whatever where like, look, I understand a couple years after. You know what I mean? But when it starts to get like 15, a hidden gem, the lost tapes. Hendricks didn't think that this was good enough to he didn't realize how great this was. Yeah, the lost tapes. Bill Burr at the Albany Chuckle Hut. This is somebody's camera phone.

And it just keeps getting earlier and earlier into the artist's career. Yeah, just you bombing on like evening at Carolines or even Roger Paul gig and like Vermont before they were stars before they were stars. This is Bill Burr at Millard Fillmore's bowling alley in Staten Island. Check out the chops on this guy. Hey, when you let's talk about your radio show that I listen to. I got I got I got an old truck that I drive and it has a radio, right? So I'm always listening.

Plus, I always listen to the sports anyway. So I'm always listening to your shit, right? Do you laugh? Yeah, I love it. I like the only thing is sometimes I get up too late and when all the listeners call in, I that took me a while to figure out what was going on. Rapid fire at the. Yes, I just have people call up and talk nonsense the last four minutes of the show.

Well, that worked because I was sitting. I go I was it took me like I'd like three days in a row. I woke up at the same time. I had some acting gigs. So I'd get my truck and I put it on and you'd be like, and for Moscow. Shoot it. Well, shoot it. Yeah.

What do you got? Where can people around the country? If you want a list of affiliates, go to J more sports dot com and just click affiliates. There's 150 affiliates. It's all over the place. Or if you have an I heart radio app on your phone, you can just type in J more sports on the I heart radio app. You guys had a great gig or what?

It's best. I work 15 hours a week. I pass movie. I pass movie sets like on my drive home and I'm like, oh, just sitting in that fucking trailer, eating donuts, watching Jerry Springer. Are they going to get to me yet? But you were good in the heat. I like watching the heat, but I imagine how much time you sat in your trailer because

you know, you can't like that was a good one. You went quick. That was a good one. I've only had one. I'm not going to, you know, I'm not going to name the name. God, I can't. I can't burn bridges where I'm at. But I had one where it was just like, you got to be fucking kidding me.

And it was be like, we need you on set by 10 a.m. And 10 p.m. You've eaten breakfast, lunch, and then the crew dinner and you're still sitting there. I'm sorry. I got pushed again and by the end, like the big challenges when you finally get pulled out of it and then just a whole fucking irony of it is hilarious. We like, oh, I'm going to go out to the Hollywood, get out of my little shit house and become a staff.

And then you go out there and you're sitting in a fucking trailer. It's an outhouse. Yeah, you're sitting in the in art. Yeah, you're sitting there. It's always like a framed photo of a teepee or like a squall holding a baby in like a little blanket and every everybody goes, don't drink the water. Don't brush your teeth. Bring bottled water.

Brush your teeth. Yeah, basically means somehow people take pisses and shit and they filter that fucking water back. Oh, yeah. And the poo poo truck comes. That's what my son calls it. Sorry. Yeah, shit truck comes.

That's always nice when you're taking a nap in a trailer and all sudden you're like, did I shit my pants because there's a truck. The rest of the country. It probably has no idea. Like think about every porta potty you've ever seen. They have to empty them somehow. You don't pick them up and dump them out into the sink. There's just a truck with a hose that just sucks, just suction out all the

piss and shit. And when that guy hooks up to your trailer, it's great. But the thing is to a movie or even like a TV show that's like a one hour like when I was on Ghost Whisperer in hindsight, you're like, if ever there was a time in my life, I just should I should have just done diamond pushups and crunches. It's the 40 fucking hours. I just sat alone.

Yeah, I could have just sat there Rosetta Stone and I don't hear the knock on the door and they're waving. I'm like, je m'appelle j'commentes à l'avoue. Très bien, merci. Like I would have spoken flu in French. Right. And instead you just keep eating and eating. You know why?

Because somebody just keeps walking around with food. Like you're at the goddamn Playboy mansion. Like I think they know how primal we are. Like if they don't hand out free taquitos, you're like, fuck it. I don't want to be in showbiz anymore. This is bullshit. I've been here since 5 a.m. I'm wearing a prosthetic face where it looks like half my face is melted off.

I'm allergic to it. My skins, ooh, popovers. Yeah. And then you just eat and then that makes you happy. Basically, it's like going to the DMV with famous people. Yeah, that's basically what it is. You're just sitting there and when they call your fucking name, it's the same level of excitement like, oh my God, I have to take the pit.

You're exactly right. Because they take the picture and you're like, that's it. Yeah. And you're like, oh my God, I hope I have all the right stuff. I don't get sent back to the back of the line. There's no it's worth the wait once they finally get going. But fortunately, I've I've I've had I've been really lucky with the little bit of acting work that I've done that it's been on time.

Like, dude, Breaking Bad was ridiculous. They just like you landed. You went to wardrobe. They got you a thing. You slept. You woke up the next day. Bing bang boom. And before you knew what happened, you were on that Southwest flight like

Dennis Farina and in what is that fucking movie? Remember something. Ah, Jesus, I can't. Shrek. What the fuck was it called? Shrek. That's it. Smackdown.

Be able to ask that would have been funny if I didn't say it so aggressively. If I just went trek. Yeah, I would have sounded like Ron Bennington. I would have been cool. Shrek. Yeah, what was it called? I just what's that? That movie where they don't know Brad, where Brad Pitt speaks Dennis Farina.

Brad Pitt speaks in the fucking pikey accent. Dennis Farina wasn't in Snatch. Yeah, he was Dennis for. Oh yeah, Dennis Farina. I was taking Dennis friends. Yeah, Dennis Farina. I was thinking the reference is already gone because they kept having to meet slam the shot and you're gone.

Like that's what it was like to do that one. But I was thinking of Dennis friends. I was like, what the fuck is Bill talking about? No, I have nicknames. We have me and my wife have a bunch of restaurants we like and I just have nicknames for all of them because I can't remember the names. Why is your memory so bad? You're not like a big podhead.

You just once in a while you have a couple loggers and that's it. I I don't know what it is. I've been talking on cell phones. I don't know what it is. Don't say that to me. Now you can freak me out. I'll be on speaker. The rest of my my I can remember like rushing yards from 1978.

Yeah, but I can't remember the name of the place that I or the name of the TV show or the fucking movie I just saw. You ever watch like Big Bang Theory or friends on YouTube when they take the sound the laughs out on YouTube? You can watch like Big Bang Theory where they take the laugh track out. Oh, no, it's like a Wes Anderson movie. It's amazing. Who's Wes Anderson?

He's a director. Oh, sorry. You're in the business. You want to do over? We're going to love Wes Anderson. Oh, yeah, I'm dying to work with that guy. Well, you watch Friends Without the Laugh Track and you're like, oh, geez. I mean, movies is really the best because that's what you get asked.

I'm sure too. Like if you do radio, they're like, hey, now you're in movies. What do you like doing more stand up movies TV? You're like, what do you want me to say? I'm here to promote stand up. Of course, I want to do fucking movies the rest of my life. It's forever. But I find them they're all they're all fun.

But the the there's no residual check for stand up. Yeah, but the great thing about stand up is it's in real time. Like the other night, I don't know, flipping through, whenever I see like those one camera shoot shows, like that's in the I hate that that's in the back of my head. Now, I just keep started thinking that that's probably two in the morning when they're shooting that brutal. Those shows, they all earn that fucking money, man.

Yeah, they do. And it's just the waiting. And the thing is those shows, I've been a guest on a bunch like West Wing CSI Miami, I've been on Ghost Whisper. I've been on like a lot of mostly a guest, but it really is a show where like you don't care if you see your family or not. And the radio show was the best because I'm done at noon every day. My kid gets out of preschool at 1230.

And I'm there waiting for him. He runs, I pick him up. I'm home in the Palisades at one. He takes he's asleep by 115. I'm asleep by 120. It's ridiculous. Yeah, you're getting away with murder. I don't care if I ever get my picture taken again in a camera ever.

I don't care if it's one frame or a thousand frames, if, you know, a fucking Clint Eastwood calls or something, obviously, I'm not going to turn anything down because we all want to live forever and be immortal. And the only way to do that is to actually be in film. That is the way to live forever. That is eternal life. It's what Christ is one way. The blood of Christ and the word capital W and movies because 50 years

from now, 50 years from now, you get a DVD and you watch the Godfather and you're like, Oh, that's right. Jimmy, what about a stand up special? Stand the special too. But you're going to go look what the fuck I was wearing. Why was I wearing a shirt with the plates on it? Is we not going to pick that in the movie? No, because it's of the time.

Like you when you watch movies from the, if you watch like dog day after noon, you're not like, look at these assholes. You're like, well, it was 1977. Obviously, that's how they dress. It's a movie and every and the cars are from 1977. The license plates, the police uniforms, everything, every extra is dressed like that. When you watch Mad Men, you're not like, what are these people? They don't know.

It's 2014 with the fucking skinny ties. Right. Like it's just of the time. It's, it's completely eternal. That's what makes movies. That's why I would stand a special beat of the time because you're alone. And that's what makes us unique. And what you said was true.

Stand up is the best for guys like you and me because. And it's going to, if this sounds like, you know, hokey, I don't give a shit because you know, I'm telling the truth. It's, it is actually who we are. And when you travel and you go someplace and you hit a town and you go on stage in the first 18 minutes, you're just bullshitting and riffing about your hotel and like some weird turnaround in the freeway in that town. And they're like, holy shit, he knows about that.

And like, you haven't, you haven't even done an act. You've been on stage many, many times when you've gone like 15 minutes and you're like, well, I should probably get started in your mind. Right. I mean, like, that's the best. I mean, that's crazy. That is the weirdest. No, that is the best because especially if you're sick of your act.

Yeah. Because it's really like what that would be the equivalent to somebody who actually has a real job unlike us. That would be like somehow you, you show up for an hour late for work and your boss doesn't notice and you still get paid. Anybody listening with, you're right. Anybody listening with a real job when you go to work one day and they're like, Hey, uh, there's wings in the conference room today.

And you're like, holy shit. You just go to the conference room and eat wings and have a Diet Coke. And like, no, we're all just going to take like 15 minutes, eat wings. Man, that's awesome. It's like, that's like your job. And you're like, oh my God, down the hall, there's just some free shit. Hey, that's how I ended up in this business because it was nothing better. Like when school, when there was a fucking snow day, that feeling of fucking euphoria.

I don't have to live my life today. You know, it was just fucking great. I don't have to do any homework. No goddamn stress. Do you know my dad one time we had a, uh, we had one of those random day offs, a Wednesday. Yeah, there was some sort of teacher, teacher fucking thing. And like two, two of them show up God bless them.

Right. God bless them for showing up the rest of them went fucking skiing. Um, we had this random Wednesday off. So he comes home. We're all jumping around and stuff. My dad, what's going on? Let's go. And we're like, oh, you know, we got tomorrow off from school and up to the

home, blah, blah, blah. And he goes, he goes, that's not true. That's not true. Like, yeah, we know the teacher said, he goes, no, I just, I just started on the radio on the way back that on the way home, they said, you guys have school. They were like, no, no, no, they have, they have a parent's teacher. And he just stayed with it and just kept going. No, no, I heard it.

And we were like, oh, what a rip off. So I dad, we believe him. So he went upstairs, we did our fucking homework. He didn't say shit. We go to bed, wake up the next morning and do our paper routes. Doesn't say shit. Okay, get up at like six or more and do these fucking papers. We come in, we're eating breakfast.

All right. We got all our books were showered. We're ready to go to school. We fucking walk out the door. He doesn't say shit. We go down and stand in front of the whole fucking neighborhood who all knows his day off stand under this tree waiting for the bus. He finally gets in his car to go to work, drives down the end of the driveway,

rolls down the window, waves at us and drives to work and left us there. And with how long did you wait for the bus till a fucking neighbor drove by with their kids, like the bus you're going to a water park. I don't know where they were going, but they were going like, you know, there's no school. And then we're like, oh, our dad said there was school. So made us all look like idiots. I remember calling up my dad.

So first time I used the F word and he didn't care. He was laughing so hard. He had this laughing like dying fucking laughing as we were well, man. I can't believe he didn't fucking. That is the funniest shit ever. That's such such a stand up. That's what I'm telling you. That's how I ended up being a comedian because right there, like any other

parent would just have to look at their kid and be like, all right, man, get back in the fucking house. But a comedian drives away and leaves you there. Waves like as the years go by, the genius of it, it just, it pissed me off when he did it. But that's the funniest shit he was like, and his own kids look like we had something wrong with us. Like we were more, we're going to school.

There's no, and then they put you in the position of like someone saying there's no school and now you got to like on the fly go, well, is my dad lying? Where's my dad wrong? So you got to defend your dad's honor, but hope he's wrong at the same time. Like you're all mixed up. I just can't imagine the neighbors just going like, how the fuck did they not know? Mr. Bear, I saw your son on the bus stop with all his books.

Your dad just laughing. That's great. And you're right. That's what separates it. But that's why you wanted to be a comic because of snow days. My dad, you don't want to live your life. And that's what you just said is everything that comedy in one sentence. I wanted to be a comic because I don't want to do real life.

I don't want to work. It's the best. I don't. I have no desire. That's why I haven't had guests on my fucking podcast, because I just looked at it like, man, that's going to be work. I got to give them the right directions if they get the wrong fucking to all that bullshit that just happened there. You didn't have to give me the right directions.

I wasn't fucking Chino. But who does your fucking maps? Way to go. Google Maps told me I was at the location. It was a goddamn hospital. Here's another. Here's another classic one of my dad. My brother was it was some hot chick down the street.

She had this fucking she had this house party like one of those risky ones with my parents are like, yeah, we'll leave and we'll be back in an hour and fucking 10 minutes and they try to have a party. Yeah, it was more like, you know, three hours, whatever, they come home early and somehow my brother's looked upon as the ringleader and he's running out of the house and the guy knows who he is. My brother's drunk tells him to fuck off and all that shit. So he knows.

So my brother runs home first grade. He runs home now. He's like in high school at this point. He runs home and as he's coming up the house, he's too shit-faced. He sees my parents, you know, the lights are on. I can't go in the house. So he's so drunk, he literally just fucking face plants in the shrubs behind our house right by the side door.

And here's the phone ring and he knows who it is. And it's the fucking dad down the street calling up about my drunk brother. And my dad picks up the phone and he just goes, hello. And he hears the guy talking. Oh, what are you talking about? And my dad just says, is that true? Is that just talk to him? He just starts covering for my brother.

He was sober. He was so no, sir. And he gets in this big argument with the guy and my brother is laying on his back in the mulch, laughing his ass off and then just going like, what a fucking great guy, like totally covered for my brother. What was your dad's name? Huh? I don't, I don't put all that shit.

Oh, okay. This guy's a legend. Yeah. He just doesn't, he does. I just spoke to him. How dare you? Yeah. And so that became a catchphrase between all the kids.

Whenever we would disagree with you, you just go, no, sir, no, sir, because that's what he was doing as this guy was saying, like, your brother's still getting trouble over your dad or was your dad just like, boys will be boys. No, I think he then just sat down. Dude, I got a bunch of classic ones. There was one time, uh, God, how do I say this? I'll get my brother in trouble. I'll get the statute of limitations.

He, uh, my brother, maybe or maybe not. It's already great. Vandalized. This is another brother vandalized part of the school. So are they going to go into like rape? You're like, I don't know, statute of limitations, man. No, no, he may or may not have done to the locker. I come from this family tree.

You keep your fucking mouth shut no matter what. So anyways, so don't talk to Tony. Don't talk to Tony. Tony's got a big fucking mouth. We're going to handle that problem down there in Florida. So, uh, whatever, they knew he did it. And him and his friends somehow intimidated his entire grade to not rat them out.

So they went down to the principal's office and the, and the principal's office is going, I know you did it. And he's trying to yell at him, blah, blah, and they just sat their stone face going, no, we didn't do it. We didn't do it. Then they did the old, they separated and then he's yelling, my brother, you did it. And my brother's like, I didn't do it.

Oh yeah. Well, your friend in there just dropped dime on you. My brother didn't fall for it or anything. So finally the last ditch effort. The next day my brother gets up, he's going to school and the principal, the principal calls my dad. My dad picks up the phone. He's like, hello, and it's funny because he liked old stuff.

So we had this old like, it was a new phone inside, but on the outside, it's literally you hold the thing up to your ear. My dad's on the phone, picks it up. It's like, hello. It goes, this is he. Okay. All right. He goes, what do you mean you know he did it, but you can't prove it.

And then you hear the guy talking. My dad's like, Christ, I don't have time for this shit. And he just fucking hung up on the guy and my brother drove out. He went to work. My brother said he got on the bus. He was in junior high. And when he pulled up to the school, the principal was standing outside of the school, like rubbing his forehead because he was beat.

We, we, I had no such willpower whatsoever. I'll never do time because I'll roll on the whole neighborhood. First time they asked me, I'll be like, it was Bill Burr. Bill Burr did it. We were at a, we were at a bar in New Jersey when we were kids, we would have rolled on each other. And then as you get older, like when I moved to Manhattan, I lived on 40 thirds West 40 third street.

It was all like Westies and all like the fire station. You realize isn't only a fire station. Oh yeah. It's like, JJ, you going on, uh, were you going to your manager's office? Will you drop this package off for me? I don't know why they have Boston accents on West 40 third street. And I'm like, sure. And then you come back like two hours later and they're like, JJ, do that thing

with the package. You're like, yeah. And they're like, what was in it? And you're like, Oh, I don't know. I didn't open it. And they're like, ah, yeah, good job. Good job. So I go back to Jersey and I remember, um, actually I was in high, I was a

senior in high school when we realized like, Oh, like, don't, you don't tell. Like it took it. We were idiots. Nobody wanted to get in trouble because we were really like fucking pussies. And then I played baseball in high school and the baseball coach was, was the lieutenant from, there's one lieutenant, excuse me, detective. There's one detective in my town, such a small town.

It's like a thousand people in my town, Doug Huber. And he was a detective and he was a great guy and he coached our baseball team in high school. And then we all would go to the Verona Inn and drink and we were all underage. And some guy came from like Cedar Grove, which is like the arch rival, and they just fucking beat the shit out of them. Someone stabbed them with like a pocket knife in his legs and Doug Huber came in and goes, what happened here?

And everybody said everybody, like the bar owner, the grown ups and like the teenagers all said, I was in the bathroom and a member like going, holy shit. And like the revelation at that moment to realize this will actually work. If we all just hold the company line, like it was the first time and I'm like a senior in high school and I, then Doug Huber gets me alone. He goes, I know in you a long time, just tell me what I go. I was in the bathroom, Doug. And he goes, who's in the bathroom with you?

I said, I was in the bathroom. And then he literally like broke it down like person to person to person. He goes, when, how long were you in the bathroom? You go, I don't know. I was in the bathroom. Like this shit went off. We were there until like the sun came up in this bar and then six months go by. We're playing tournament baseball.

And I think we were West Essex High School playing baseball and I'm hitting lead off and I hit a lead off double and the Doug Huber, the detective who was also the coach of the baseball team goes, time, time. And he just starts jogging out towards like the third baseline. We're in the visitor dugout and he goes, JJ. And I'm like, all right, I guess we're switching the sides up. He goes, when do you go have a seat? And he's like, I don't know, uh, Joe Morton, go, you know, he, like he

switches out and there's a new guy in second base. I'm just sitting on the bench. Like, I'm not, I don't even know what the fuck just happened. It's like three innings go by. I go, coach. And he goes, yeah, how are you doing? I go, why'd you pull me? He goes, I don't know.

I was in the bathroom, six months that guy sat on that shit. And that was the only way he could get it. No, cause I got real, I, cause by then I'd forgotten the whole thing happened. And I thought like, oh, like, I thought then scared. Yeah, I was a scared kid. I was alone a lot. Nobody ever told me shit. You had brothers at least to go like, no, that's not what you do.

You go up to the guy and tell him, watch your fucking mouth when you're around my sister or whatever like that. No, I'm just alone on my bike. And you know what I would do? I take my bike two towns over because nobody knew who I was. And I could just recreate a new identity. Like, hi, I'm Mike majors. I just moved and they're like, which house?

And I'd be like, yeah, right, right. I'd be like, then you're on a good fellas, not right in there. That's my house right in there. And I was just make up like some new identity for the day and play with new kids, Mike majors, but that was my fake name. No, believe me, dude. I, I, like I said, I stopped, I stopped fighting, uh, getting into fights like somewhere a six, six grade, maybe seventh grade.

The kids were just way too big. And I totally got psyched out and intimidated right quickly after elementary school and I went more to the funny thing. I wish I fought more like my dad never taught me to fight. I always said, tell you, tell the teacher. And he didn't realize like, tell the teacher, are you out of your fucking mind? Which is the responsible as far as like, uh, in, you know, we have to tell a kid, you don't want to tell a kid to beat the shit out of another kid.

You tell a four year old, tell the teacher, you tell a 12 year old, let's go down in the basement, you lead with the jab, circle away from the power hand. And then the cross right, you just got to end this because it's never going to end. But what they, they, they always forget like how much, what, how that's going to reflect on you. And then they always just say, well, you shouldn't care what people think about you. Is it true? No. Well, if it's not true, it shouldn't bother you.

Yeah. Then he's not a real friend of yours. And then they just send you into this fucking gauntlet. And even, and even if it's not that bad and ass kicking, it's the fact that it's your entire life and shame that it's your existence. That, you know, it's like, it's like, yeah, mom, how would you, if you went to work and got the shit kicked out of you every day? Well, they're just not your real friends, mom.

Take a different way to your cubicle, you know? None of us knew we could fight. When I was a junior in high school, we were in the wrestling room and there was this kid Pete Bush, who was pretty much an albino. Like I'm not, I don't have the, I don't have the card that anybody signed off on it, but he's pretty much an albino and he had like thick, thick, thick, thick, thick like glasses all day long. But on the mat, the guy was a fucking savage animal.

And yet, no, you know what? He couldn't have been an albino because he got accepted to West Point. I'm pretty sure albino would not accept an albino. I'm pretty sure West Point has a no albinos policy. Sorry. But he looked like I've never seen one. I've never seen an albino. I don't think you can be out in there.

At least when the president shows up, he's not part of that line that standing at attention, flipping the guns around. Never. No, I don't think you can be an albino at West Point. So they got him up in the tower, but he looked like, yeah, that's where he needs to be shaded. He looked like an albino and he was like a weird guy. I didn't really talk.

He was like, he was a genius. He got accepted to West Point. And then one day, like this big fucking football guy was just hand packing the shit out of him and Pete Bush wrestled like 118 pounds. And his other kid was like 220 and Pete Bush turned around, shot a double leg, took the guy's legs out from under him and then just sat on his chest like just punched the shit out of him. And we were all like laughing like, did you fucking see what Pete Bush did?

Like, how lucky he got? How funny what? And we thought it was funny. And our wrestling coach, Jim Sauer, goes, you guys think that's funny? You guys don't even know what you've been doing in here. You whole lives, learn how to fight. Are you fucking idiots? What do you think some fucking big fat offensive tackle is going to take out

a guy that's been practicing takedowns for the last eight years? Get your heads out of your asses. Like he screamed at us. He goes, of course, he knows how to fight. He's a fucking wrestler. He's and he was like cursing like that for the. And we're all like at that moment, we're all like, holy shit. Like you can use these takedowns like out there.

I thought it was just on a mat in the leg of your whole thing is in a queer singlet. Yeah, you meet some guy in a mall and wants to go at it. You punk out and give him your wallet. But if there was a mat, you'd be like, I have your little earmuffs things on. So, you know, yeah, but all fights and what you're saying is true. But all fights and MMA, like it all winds up on the ground. If you're in a fight between two parked cars, I'm sorry. If I get too in need, that shit is over.

I don't get how fucking big you are unless you wrestle to that. That's why I have no. I have just fury. I go for about 18 seconds and then you got me. Then I'm wheezing, giving you the fury though. You think when do you let it go? Let it go. OK. When do you let it like?

Why do you like you were assuming that I was screaming at my windshield? Could you give me directions to a separate town? I was literally that's pretty standard that you would have me come over the middle of the fucking day if you fucking podcast. You can't even know the way where the fuck your address is. Gives a pretty normal cares. Your time isn't valuable. Yeah, but I'll be out of here in fucking 10 minutes and I'll drive home

and I'll be with my kids. I don't know. Well, that's how people responded to adversity when I was a kid. You basically you lost your shit. You called people. But then you realized they're alcoholics screamed and inanimate objects. Yeah, but then you realize those people are alcoholics. Jay, are we all works in progress?

Yes, man is God in ruin. I was I was I don't know, maybe when I fucking slap those headphones off your fucking head fucking come over the table, smart guy. I'll get on one knee and do it. You know what? I'll get on both me. I'll start on my fucking back. You fucking stutter and prick. Yeah, Bill actually sent me to another town.

Here's the address, Jay. Glendale turns out it's not Glendale. Yeah, it turns out it's a it's not Glendale at all. There you are. I don't know where I didn't know what town this is. No, come on. Keep doing more north. All right, yeah. Yeah, the Chicago Cubs there, you know, they got a new mascot.

Have you heard about this new mascot they got there? You heard about that mascot they got? No, what about him? His name is Clark. This is true, you know, and it's a baby cub with his head on backwards and he greets fans when they come in, you know, a baby cub. And those cubs got a new mascot. Yeah, he's got a like a bear tamer.

Well, it was lying guys, you know, take care of those cubs there. I don't know what a baby cub. How good a mascot that would be, you know? I don't know the mascot. I maybe a lion tamer with a chair. You know, can I can I hear some Harvey Keitel doing bad 80s stand up? All right, I don't mean to put you on this. No, I like I just know it's a fun game.

I dig it. You can do it. OK, I'm just right. Like, dude, I gotta make sure I don't do someone's actual material. That's the part is because we all have like fucking 18 minutes of David Brenner. You only isn't it weird when the vending machine takes up so much noise? No, it's not. It's a fucking vending machine. All right. Don't get me started on the girls.

What are you supposed to do? You go and ask her out. You look your best. You shaved. You've combed your hair. You presented yourself. She says no. Then all of a sudden you have to act like you were trying to act. Ask her out in the first place.

You go on. Sorry. There was a clock over your head. I was trying to find out what time it was. What do you think I wanted a goddamn date? You're not that important. Get over yourself. Right now I'm wearing mom jeans and a suit jacket with the sleeves rolled up. What the fuck is the airline thinking?

Why don't you tell me the local time? The flight attendant comes out. She's rolling a cart. I have to stay in my seat belt. Meanwhile, there's bottles of gin. Sorry. I slipped into the gallon. I have to say seat belted in.

But meanwhile, she has a rolling cart with bottles of gin flying all over the place in loose ice. I don't know. That seemed a little incongruous to me. All right? That was Bill Burkwin. All right? All right.

Let's do more of you were letters. That's always good, Bill, when you do that on the podcast. That's why I subscribe to Bill Burr to hear what other people want to think. It's the Bill Burr podcast. Who cares what Jesse in Fontana is emailing you about? Who cares? Dude, my face is literally killing me from fucking smiling. Mine does too.

Do you see how I have to contort to do that stupid Kytel voice? All right. Well, what do you got coming up here that we can hype here? When will this be out, honey? I'm going to fuck you. Monday? I know. Monday morning.

I do these ones. I just put them out. Oh, there's both even before you get home there. Only one impression I've ever learned was Puccino. Let me hear that. I never could do it. Never could do it. And then because there's two different Puccinos and my mind was all fucked up.

Which one? Because young Puccino sounds like Tyne Daly from Cagney and Lacey. No, Sam. Well, Vietnam veterans killing don't mean nothing to us. Attica, right? Put the gun down. And he W. We play all the hits. When he answers the phone and fucking talk the afternoon.

I can't promise you that. I got to talk to my boss. If you have a boss, why am I talking to you? Hi. And then I don't know when it was somewhere around heat. Oh, everything got real heavy on my back. And my eyes got real big, Bill. You work with fucking believable.

See, I don't even think this one's that good. But I worked with Al on a movie that no one saw. But we still did the work. You know what he said to me? I'll tell you. We were outside and he looked at the sky. That's a true story, but I'm going to do it as him. Because it was a break while we were shooting.

And he looked up at the moon and he put his arm around me. Put his arm around me. And he looked at the sky and he said, that's our moon, babe. That's what he said. Now I say that to my kids. And if you and I left here and the moon was out, I'd say it to you, Bill Burr. I love you.

You're a good man. Al, I think what you're trying to say is Jay Moran, an interesting experience with you. Who the fuck taught you to act you cunt? I don't even know what everybody's arguing about. You know what I'm saying? Four movies going on at once. I think everybody should make love and make

one big acting pregnant, baby. That's full circle, Bill Burr. I'm at the Irvine Improv this weekend, 17, 18, 19. But if it doesn't come out before then, Vegas. It'll come up before. Listen, you got to go see Jay do stand-up, man. Last time we worked together, we did the fucking thing in the April Foolishness.

I love it. Yeah. So much fun. Yeah, you absolutely fucking destroyed. It's so hard to do 20 minutes. You just wind up doing your act as quickly as possible. And I got to follow Brad Williams every year. Because they gradually get drunker and drunker

as you're doing it. But it's such a legendary. You know that venue. Did you run last? I think the last time I did. One time I did a Tim. No, he didn't run last. That last one is brutal.

And then they go, you know, we had the set of the night. Yeah, the guy went on fourth. Yeah. Yeah, of course he did. When they were sober, three hours earlier. He went on last one year. And then Eddie Izard went on last another year. And it's just a horrible spot.

You're right. Because it's universal amphitheater. But I'll be at the Irvine Improv this weekend, Friday, Saturday, Sunday. Two shows Friday, two shows Saturday. And Sunday, all my shows are meet and greets. Have that $20 ready, because I'll be selling t-shirts out there like a hooah.

There you go. And then 24th, 25th, 26th. If that's the weekend after next, I'm at South Point Casino in Las Vegas. And you can listen to More Stories podcast and get the More Stories app. And you're due to come back. Jay Morse.

And I used to watch you all the time when I first moved to New York. And they now defunct, now wine bar. It was Boston Comedy Club, man. Run by Barry Katz. Big star. You're a big star. You know what's great about you, Bill,

is no matter what life has thrown at you, you've always been undeniable. Life throws you a curveball out of the strike zone. You let it go. You don't care. And that's what's going to put you over the edge, man. And then all of a sudden, you're in a Sandra Bullock movie. And you're going, what the fuck, man?

When did we get to eat again? If that guy would get more famous, I'd have another 20 minutes of material. He used to. Yeah, he used to. He's coming. This is Barry returning your phone call from the Carter administration.

And he always used that joke. And after a while, it's like, Barry, you never return my phone calls. At least come up with a different. I don't. I mean, I don't. Yeah, he would do that shit. Listen, you're going to be a big star.

Everything's going to work out. Everything's great. Man, what the fuck you worried? Hey, Papa, it's Barry. You have all the power, man. Barry called me once and he goes, you know when movies have been out for like three months and there's no way they're still in the theaters?

Like I couldn't get a hold of this fucking guy for like eight days and he's my still my manager. And I go, you have to fucking call me or I'm firing you. Like three minutes later, my phone rings and I don't answer. Because I just want to hear the message. He goes, hey, JJ, it's Barry. Just got back from the movies. So bend it like Beckham feel good movie.

That was it had been in the theaters for like fucking six months. You just pick like a movie. Look, you had this alibi was all fucking sketchy. Bend it like Beckham feel good movie. One of the great characters in this fucking business without a doubt. Barry fucking cats.

Well, listen, dude, I'm glad we finally got to be able to. I don't give a shit about all that traffic and all whatever. I apologize. I don't care at all. Barricade. Who cares? Why do you care about any of this stuff? Because I believe in the network.

Look, the all things comedy network, everybody. Featuring Jay Moore here, the Monday Morning Podcast. This was a very special episode. I hope we made you laugh. I hope we got you over your hump day. What is today, Tuesday? Today's Tuesday. Hump days tomorrow, whatever.

You know, you guys enjoy what is every day in my house, Bill Burr, finger fucking on the handball courts. Oh, OK. All right, guys.