Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcat 12-22-14

Episode Date: December 23, 2014

Bill rambles about Sony Leaks, autorotations and bulling his Christmas tree.

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for Monday, December 22nd, 2014. How's it going? Really? That's good. That's it, dude. One more Monday. There's one more Monday after this one. All right? We're down to our second to last time out here.

Before I do this podcast, right? Ah, man, I got nothing to talk about this week. You know why? Because old freckles is on fucking vacation. All right? I'm not doing shit. I'm not doing it. I'm not doing it for you, though. Want to fuck with me? Because me is on vacation.

You don't fuck with me. Why not? Because me on vacation. But I'm going to kill you. Um... I have absolutely nothing to talk about because I've been in a fucking writer's room and I've had a little acting gig and I've been in the fucking bubble.

I have no idea what's going on in the world right now. Other than Sony leaks. Everybody freaking out about Sony leaks. Did you read any? No, I didn't read any of the fucking things. Why would I read that? It's somebody else's email. You fucking weirdo. Why don't you stand outside their window and rub your dick? You know?

You're a piece of shit. If you read any of those fucking emails. That's all I'm saying. Okay? Because be honest with yourself. If somebody stole your fucking all your shit, you wouldn't be in trouble. You wouldn't be a little nervous. You don't get a dick pic or a fucking or something.

You didn't look at something weird. All right? You didn't trash the fucking chick one cubicle over because you want to fuck her and she won't. So you start saying she's a lesbian or she's frigid or some shit. You probably said it way worse than that. Right?

Now you're going to hold these people. You're going to hold these people accountable. These wonderful people over at Sony that make movies for your snot nose fucking kids to watch so you can go in the other room and fucking steal a fucking 20 minutes of sleep. You know, maybe go walk out onto your balcony and fucking huff a little. Smoke a little weed.

Why does that moment happen? Because of people like Sony making movies about fucking stereotypical characters on rugs flying around the Middle East. Right? Talking planes and talking cars. Fat people with no legs talking to computers. All those fucking movies.

It's because of people like them. And what do you do? You turn around. You find out that their fucking emails are on the internet. And what do you do, you piece of shit? How do you repay them for shutting your fucking snot nose kid up for two and a half fucking hours? Two hours, whatever. Because of those wonderful people over at Sony, you can take your dumb ass kid

that only you find cute. Prop him up in front of the fucking TV and he can sit there, goddamn catatonic. You know, well, maybe you got time to go rub one out or go pour yourself a fucking whiskey or maybe just have a couple of minutes to yourself and enjoy a piece of toast. How do you repay them? You immediately sit down in the fucking in your computer and you go and you read their fucking emails

during the holiday season. How dare you? Yeah, I could give a fuck about all of it. I don't understand why they pulled the fucking movie, though. Do you really think the Al Qaeda was going to do that shit? Let's just say they were behind 9 11. Who knows at this point? Right?

That's like, you know, who came up with the fucking grilled cheese sandwich at this point? Everybody's claimed responsibility. It was my it was my aunt Harriet. She lived in Wisconsin or some fucking bullshit, right? Everybody's claimed fucking responsibility. Everybody's been blamed for that from Saddam to Al Qaeda. Do your buddy named Fred down the fucking street?

All right, so let's just say that these guys you know, these fucking 600 people on a jungle gym. Half world away, did this shit. All right, let's just say they did it. You're telling me that they're going to go from knocking down buildings and fucking blowing up the Pentagon to attack at a movie theater? Doesn't that seem like anticlimactic?

That's kind of like as a comedian, you would start with your best joke and then it just fucking tapers off from there. And then slowly you're just like the crowd's just staring at you. I mean, I would think their next move would be something even bigger. Right? You think, right? If murdering innocent people is an art, you'd want to progress like anybody else.

Does a guitar player want to be worse than he was the day before? I don't think he does. We got more movie theaters than they have members in Al Qaeda. I don't understand what the fucking problem is. What are they going to do? They're just going to walk in. They're going to get all those fucking cunts over here. I guess they were just going to do it to one.

I don't know. It just seemed like a pussy move. We just caved. We fucking caved. Now what? Now what's the next thing they're going to fucking threat? Oh, Jesus. Am I doing that argument?

Oh, it's a slippery slope. Let's see, you know, we can't read newspapers. I don't give a really, I don't really give a shit about any fucking story in the news, unless it's some local guy who did something heroic. If it's somebody who saved a fucking animal or they're talking about what a piece of shit banks and insurance companies are. Other than that, I don't care. I don't care.

I don't like the environment. I'm over the environment. We're going to destroy it. You know, people are going to sit there and deny that we have any sort of effect on the climate of this fucking planet. Whatever. Yeah, we, why would we? Why would we?

We do we, we live on land and we've ruined the oceans. How could we ever affect the climate? There's over one trillion pieces of fucking plastic in the goddamn ocean. We live on the land, people. How does that happen? Is there a shark fucking up your backyard? I don't think there is. We're essentially the worst fucking thing on the planet and the coolest thing.

You know what I mean? Cause we have an inventions. As far as I know, no other animal on this planet has ever invented anything. Not a fucking thing. You know, we get all excited when you see your dog use his hands as like a dog. Use his hands as like a pair of paws to hold the fucking bone. Look at his dog. He's holding the bone, the bone is straight up and down.

Right. We can make a robot dog at this point. You hear that, Cleo? You're obsolete. Yeah, I don't know. I don't even know anything, anything what the fuck is going on. But you know something, the next time somebody's account gets hacked. Why don't you have a little bit of empathy going like, Hey, you know, I wouldn't

like that to happen to me and just leave him the fuck alone. Who gives a shit? They're talking shit about different fucking people. Of course they are. That's what people do. That's what everybody does. Me and old Joe de Rosa, we get on the phone. Sometimes we'll call another fucking comedian and all three of us will just sit

there. First we start off, we trash each other and then the circle just gets bigger and bigger start trash and other people we know. And sometimes we're trash and somebody so well, we actually call that person up because we don't want them to miss it. Anyways, who gives a fuck? The Sony leaks acting like somebody broke into the fucking Pentagon. Anyways, this is the Monday morning podcast.

I'm fucking psyched. I'm psyched, but downstairs in my house is basically finished. They got a couple of knick-knack things at this point. I'm over. We actually moved in to the downstairs area. Oh my God, I was going to fucking. I don't know what I was going to do. I was going to take a bucket of water and dump it over my wife's head the other

day, right? She wants to move the fucking bed downstairs. Okay, but the workers still have to come here in the morning. They got to do a little touch up paint. They got to fucking fix this and that's a little off, you know, sand this thing down and she's all hot to talk to get the goddamn bed downstairs. All right. And I get it.

I get it. I understand when a man pays for a house, it's not his house. It's the woman's house. It's a giant dollhouse and they're going to fucking decorate it. And they already knew what they were going to put in the fucking thing when they were like seven years old. Okay. And I gave into that shit.

I'm like, yeah, fine, fine, whatever, you know, go nuts, go nuts. Cause someday I'm going to redo that fucking garage. Okay. I want to redo that fucking garage. I'm going to add a second floor to it and I'm going to have only I will have keys to it. And whenever I'm sick of you, I'm just going to fucking go in there. I'm sick of fucking dreaming about a house that has a garage that's separate

from the house. I kind of have that in a way. I'll just build a fucking upstairs. And I would just say you are not allowed up there. You know, what do you think she's going to do? Do you think she can actually leave it alone? She won't. She won't.

So anyways, she wants to bring the bed downstairs. It's the only bed we have in the fucking house, right? We had a guest bed, but it was out in the garage and the rain came down and fucked up the mattress. So we don't have all we have as a box spring upstairs. Whatever. She gets the fucking people to put the goddamn bed there. So we go downstairs.

All right. Both of us had gone out the night before we were out till two to 30 in the fucking morning. Now we're sleeping downstairs and who shows up at seven in the morning. The fucking workers. So now we got to get up. We could have kept sleeping if we were upstairs. So we get up.

Right. We get up. We walk upstairs and I'm not saying shit. We go upstairs and the only place to sleep is the fucking couch and she goes and she just fucking lays down right on the goddamn couch and immediately goes to sleep. And I'm like, well, where the fuck am I supposed to sleep? She mumbled something and went back to sleep.

So I had to grab two cushions off the back of the couch, walk in and fucking build like a mini bed on top of this fucking box spring. And I went in there and I slept. And off was I in a fucking mood that day. Jesus fucking Christ. You know, but my wife is the shit. Or she's smart as smart as hell because afterwards she asked me why I was being so snippy when I explained the scenario.

She apologized and it was sincere and she really meant it. So then I was just left with this fucking anger. I had nothing to do with. Right. So I just went over my dog and I just put it in a headlock. Right. I just started fucking school. I'm kidding.

Anyways, let's read some fucking advertising here for this week. But my Christmas tree late. Yeah, it went down there. It's pretty good though. The good people didn't have a bunch of Charlie Brown Christmas trees even though I like those ones. I always feel bad for more. I just think the ornaments look better when there's less branches.

Instead of that fucking. Shrub shaped like a ghost that most Christmas trees are. I actually bought a Christmas tree that I'm taller than just bought a little one. You know, my truck still in storage because those workers still have this shit in the garage is this slowly fucking, you know, they're leaving my house the way we're leaving Afghanistan, you know, one tank at a time. And I don't know. So I usually just, you know, go out and get a full size fucking tree

and I just throw it in the back of my truck and I drive down the street like I'm a man and I know how to fix things, you know, but this year all I had was the Prius. So what am I going to do? Stick a giant fucking tree on there. I'm not just give me a Prius size Christmas tree. I could actually bully my Christmas tree. I could walk up to it and take all the ornaments and it wouldn't do

anything. It just stare at the fucking floorboards. It's kind of sad. And then I went this is how later started got then I bought what was they called point city is those fucking red flowers. But I'm at the grocery store. I bought the two last ones looking like a botany that all shriveled up looking like a junkie just sort of nodding off or whatever.

And that's it through some bulbs on it. Put those fucking flowers on either side of the fireplace and it's over. It's Christmas time. So I do it. I'm sorry guys. I don't fucking have anything. You know what I have? I have some information for you.

The Patrice O'Neill benefit everybody slowly but surely this benefit is going to fucking sell out. This is always a bitch every goddamn year, you know, hyping this thing around the holidays. I'd love to get tickets, but I have to buy a scarf for my aunt. All right, Patrice O'Neill benefit the third annual Patrice O'Neill comedy benefit is Wednesday, February 11th, 2015 at 7pm at the city center 131 West 55th Street between 6th and 7th to have the

lineup in alphabetical order Ben Bailey, Bill Burr, Colin Quinn, David Tell, Hannibal Burris, Jim Florenti, Jim Norton, Michael Chey and Rich Voss. What the fuck else you got to get a show like that? Tickets can be purchased the following way, following way online at www.nycitycenter.org or by calling 212-581-1212 makes a great fucking Christmas gift and really helps us do a wonderful thing for the great Patrice O'Neill and whatever the box office

window is 131 West 55th Street between 6th and 7th Ave. And while I'm at it, if you guys are fans of the Rose Bowl and you live in the Lorraine. Is it Lorraine, Ohio Lorraine Catholic was the name of the school that Jason Lawhead went to Rose Bowl legend legend and grill master. Jason Lawhead is going to be performing a theater show. This is a very unique show in Lorraine, Ohio and his Hall of

Fame high school basketball coach father is going to be opening up telling stories. I don't think I've ever seen a father open up for a son at a stand-up show much less a Hall of Fame basketball coach who's going to be telling stories and a couple years ago we did that bus tour through the south. He came along with us and it just really one of the most amazing human beings I ever met.

I think that's December 27th. We'll have all that information if you want to go once again that that also makes a great Christmas gift there. So I haven't been doing shit. You know what I do you know what I do whenever the downtime comes around again as I fucking I get into cooking speaking of Jason Lawhead and last night for

the first time ever I using them a grill guy and pork chops I always broiled them because that's how I learned how to make them when I was a kid you just broil I'm just going to pause him wait for all the foodies to be like oh my god I actually pan seared pan seared his fucking pork chops last night and they were fucking delicious brown them up on both sides and skillet right and then I took the skillet and I stuck it

in the oven at 400 degrees like another five six minutes probably should have been there for seven they were pretty thick and took those fuckers out. And I had this magazine that taught you how to do a it's called a butter bath. I know I know I'm putting on weight here. You just drop some butter into the skillet afterwards you

don't have to have it on heat it's been in the fucking oven so it's already hot right you just drop it in there and you throw in some sage fresh sage time and some rosemary couple of fucking little garlic what if knuckles whatever the fuck you call those things and you let that once the bubbles on the butter foam up you just spoon it up and you drop it on the fucking pork chop forget it don't fuck yourself then you take the pork chop

and whoever you cooked it for you slap him in the face with you say that shit and don't wipe the grease off your face or I'll never cook for you again. I'll tell you they'll sit there and read that whole fucking thing with the smile on their face and grease with rosemary in it right on the side of their face and they won't feel humiliate humiliated at all. That's a true story.

That's what I did last night. Let's let's let me just read some fucking advertising before this whole goddamn podcast goes off the rails. Okay. All right there. What do we got here? I actually don't have this at my fingertips anymore because I had to fucking get a new operating system and then like

the notes thing where I write my ideas or whatever I have to sign up for some shit they want all this fucking information. Fucking weirdos. All right, here we go. Sherry's berries everybody. Don't get your tinsel in a tangle. Christmas is this Thursday. Have you checked everyone off your list?

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Is it really tempting? What's the matter? All those fucking strawberries on the corner man. Look at me man. Top. All right. But we get the fucking point. What am I doing it?

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So I went down to the Nike store and when I showed up the other day on a Saturday right before Christmas, there was a line of fucking people. Out the store and I'm thinking like, oh, this has to be those sneakerheads, right? This guy, they're reissuing fucking Patrick Ewing's jockstrap and all these guys all the fucking dope. I got to get it, right?

So I figured I could just walk all around it, but I was stopped at a red light and I looked at everybody in line and it was all different aged people, older people and shit. And I was like, oh my God, that's the line to get in the store. Well, it looks like somebody's not getting workout clothes and now that wasn't going to be the main gift. That was just one of those things, you know, to fill out the area around the tree.

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If you're not part of the club, you're missing out. Go to DollarShaveClub.com slash burr now and check them out. You won't be sorry. That's DollarShaveClub.com slash burr. All right. How do you like that guys? I read those pretty good. I think I read those pretty fucking good.

All right. Let's talk some fucking little bit of football this week. Patriots, jets. Good. Have you ever seen an ugly or win? Good Lord. That was an ugly fucking game. I actually think the Jets should have won that game.

Am I on my fucking mind? And Geno Smith should not be blamed for both of those sacks. The second one, and he said Hyke, there was a guy in his face, but the first one that took him out of field goal range to the point the guy had to kick it low and Vince Wilfork, a fucking 350-pound guy, somehow blocked a field goal. I would blame him on that one, but I'll tell you who I wouldn't blame. I wouldn't blame Rex Ryan.

I, as much as I think that guy has no class, and then when he gets called on and he acts like a baby, you know, he talks all kinds of shit. And then when they lose, he's like, you know, people are going to criticize his team, but they have no right to. Yeah, they do. They do. You talked a bunch of shit and said you were going to win the whole thing and then you didn't.

You set yourself up for the criticism. But I still think he's a fucking great coach and I don't think that that's the problem with their team. When he had the players, he got them to the AFC, not the AFC. He's the fucking AFC championship game. Jesus, Bill, even watched the sport, but sometimes they just make a change because they feel like it quiets the fan base. They just fucking lop somebody's head off.

But I think that that would be a fucking mistake as much as I would love to see that guy. I don't want to see him lose his job, like maybe lose the Jets job and then go over to the NFC. I don't fucking see that guy anymore. He drives me up the fucking wall. Like when Brady threw that pick and then he's running on the field, fucking pumping his fist, looking like some loser at the track because

his dog finally came in, you know, I don't fucking know. I just, I like the guy, but he just, you know, he talks all that shit. And then when it's, and then when he has a bad team, he fucking clams up and acts like he learned a lesson. Do you honestly think if Rex Ryan gets another loaded team that he's not going to start talking shit again? Eatin' bunk cakes, blowin' out those stitches. All right.

Let me blow me plow ahead here. And then I'm going to say my Bill Burr's Super Bowl pick. Stand-up comedian never played organized football beyond the third grade. Bill Burr, his Super Bowl pick. Suck my fucking dick. I'm taking Seattle Seahawks. I'm taking, I know that's not a bold pick, but I got to tell you

something. I've never been more wrong about a coach than Pete Carroll. I remember Pete Carroll was with the Patriots. He followed Bill Parcells. He comes in. He's the little pretty boys wearing dockers. They make a good play. He goes, whew, I thought the guy was soft.

And then when he went to college and he won a chance, he rebuilt the USC program, doin' what you do. Got caught and ran out the back door when the wolves started comin' around. I don't give a fuck. He did what people do with Division I to win. And the guy fucking won and I was like, ah, he's a college coach, not a pro coach.

Then he fucking goes to Seattle. Where the fuck with Seattle? Where the fuck with the Seattle Seahawks? Before Pete Carroll. Where were they? Huh? Nowhere. It's a bunch of Starbucks drinkin' douchebags wearing

burgan stocks and those rain ponchos. Just standin' around in the rain. They were all sad. Seattle's goin' nowhere. A lot of people don't realize this. That's why Kurt Cobain killed himself. It wasn't the fuckin' ulcer. It wasn't the demons.

He was just sick of rooting for the Mariners and the Seahawks. So Pete Carroll goes in there. Where the fan base is literally suicidal. And within five years, they get a fuckin' Super Bowl. That's hard enough to do, but the hardest fuckin' thing to do, I think, as a Kevin, never coached at any fuckin' level. I think the hardest fuckin' thing to do is after you win a championship, is to come out the next year and get your team

hungry again to do it again. You know? That shit Pat Riley did. Okay, the shit Bill Belichick did. Like, there's very few people that can motivate Chuck Knoll that it twice to get them hungry again. Fuckin' Seattle. Like, their fuckin' defense is, I don't know what to say about.

Like, I think they somehow, obviously, if they get fuckin' home field advantage, I just don't see anybody stoppin' them. And I certainly think that the Super Bowl champion is gonna be coming out of the NFC. And I got a feeling that the Patriots, we get home field. All right, we got a chance to go to the Super Bowl again, but we don't have, I mean, anything can happen. All right, this is me just speaking logically when I watch

both teams. I don't think that we have a shot against those guys. But as a Patriots fan, I say fuck the Seahawks. All right? I can't even say that. I mean, I don't know what the, what are we gonna do? What the fuck do we got? You know, we're doin' well in the AFC.

I don't know why, it always gets like this. It always gets really unbalanced. Like fuckin' in the beginning, like the NFC won like the first, I don't know how many fuckin' championships, Super Bowls. And then the AFC won on this fuckin' run. We won like, well shit, Bill, you're a nerd. You should know. It went Steelers, Steelers, Raiders.

49ers won one. Won an 81. 82 was the Redskins. 83 was the Raiders. And it was 49ers. Oh, it was the NFC that went on the run. That's how it was. And the Bears.

That's right, that's right. Then the NFC went on a run. AFC was on a run, and then NFC went on a run. And then it went AFC, now NFC again. And I don't know why, it always just gets like, that we seems like 60 or 70% of the NFL seasons, either the AFC championship or the NFC championship game, everybody's going, you know, who's kiddin' who?

This is the fuckin' Super Bowl. And then the Super Bowl becomes a blowout. All those fuckin' years, it was a blowout. The Broncos lost to the Giants. That was an all right one. Then they got smoked by the fuckin' Redskins after going up 14 to nothin'. Then 49ers Bengals was great, and then Broncos got raped.

Fuckin' raped. Oh, and the Patriots got raped by the Bears before all that bullshit, Super Bowl 20. And the fuckin' Broncos got raped, 55 to somethin' by the 49ers. Then a close game with the Bills. Giants won. Then the Redskins handled the Bills,

and then the Bills got raped twice in a row by the fuckin' Cowboys. Then was it 49ers Charges? Jesus Christ. That was like a bad pay-per-view fight, you know? I don't know what I'm talkin' about. I just think the Seahawks are, I think they're too good in that fuckin' Wilson kid.

That guy is the next guy. I think he's the next guy. Even beyond, it might be Andrew Luck in the AFC, even though he's havin' a fuckin' ... But yesterday it wasn't his fault. Jesus Christ, one guy drops a pass and they all fuckin' do it. That Cowboys Colds game remind me

of Super Bowl last year. One bad play in the first series of Downs and they never got it back. It's just all went off the fuckin' rails. Fuckin' punch it through that pass. Looks like a Robert Parrish foul shot right in the guy's hands that he Fee. He looked like me out there.

Alright. What am I talkin' about here? Let's move on here. Let's get to some questions for this week. How far into the podcast are we? 32 fuckin' minutes. I'm Jay Simpson. I'm gonna go off the rails here.

And I'm gonna read one from my other account that I actually found it. I thought we didn't have enough questions this week, so occasionally I'll dip into my other fuckin' account here to see what we got. Come on, you old-ass fuckin' computer. So fuckin' slow here. Alright.

Dear Billy Costanza. Recently ... What is that? Jason Alexander fuckin' ... Because I'm bald and I yell. Recently I was in Boston for work and decided to visit a good old friend of mine from back in the day. While I was visiting, I happened to run

into his younger sister, who is my age. Nothing creepy. Oh, gee, gee. In high school, I was the bad boy class clown. Ah, gee. What were you in? Grease? Fuckin' jerk off.

I just pictured you in a leather jacket. I'll go grease, lousy, and fuckin' I loved all those singing jerk-offs like the people thought that they fuckin' built that car. They were in the Glee Club. Alright. It's the burnouts. The burnouts down the hall

and fuckin' woodshop and the power mechanics. They could do something like that. Anyways, and she was the ... You know, I've never seen grease. I've never seen it. Whenever I turn it on, they're always racing in the LA River. And I think one time I saw the ending,

but I've never seen it. But I've seen all of grease, too. And when I saw it, I enjoyed it. Alright, plowing ahead here. In high school, I was the bad boy class clown, man. You know me, man. I was rebel. Do you have a raccoon tail

hanging from the antenna in your car? They are fuckin' shifty. And she was the nerdy, anti-social, flat-chested type. I always knew she had a thing for me, but I was too busy chasing all the hoos over there. Well, Belle, it turns out, she's become quite the young lady. Since then, master's degree,

great corporate gig, a great rack. And then he writes, a great rack. And she happens to be single. She insisted. She showed me ... You know what's so fuckin' funny is the way guys look at women.

I wonder if women do that. They just don't admit it. You know, it turns out ... You know, it turns out ... You know, he's got a strong jaw. A great jaw. A fuckin' fat pet. A big wad.

What would you say? A nice fuckin' ... I'm literally sittin' here and actin' like I'm grabbing dick and balls right now, trying to think of the fuckin' word. I don't know what the fuck they would say. Do you guys ever do that? Anyways, well, it turns out,

she became quite the young lady, blah, blah, blah. And she happens to be single. She insisted. She showed me around town, all the touristy shit. So we exchanged numbers. Later that day,

when I got back to my hotel, we started texting. Now, no big deal. Just catch up now. Just catchin' up. Okay. Hiya, Ben. How's the family?

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Then we start talkin' on the phone. All right. And pretty soon, your dick's out. I thought what she had for me in high school was ancient history, but no, the conversation soon took a turn and got romantic.

And he writes, oh, Jesus. So we made plans to meet for the next day for lunch. The next day, hangin' out with my buddy, I casually brought up if he would have a problem with me dating his sister.

He insisted he had no problem with it. Hey, you know what, dude? I thought you were a piece of shit. There you go. All right. You're such a weird thing. I could never ask my friend of me. You mind if I date your sister?

You mean what? You mind if I, if you fuck my sister? Yeah, I do. You better marry her, you son of a bitch. So he's like, okay, great. So I take her to lunch. We do all the touristy stuff. Then I took her back to her place.

While in the parking lot at her place, she is getting out of my car and I go to give her a hug goodnight. This is when the hug turned into a kiss. She got back in my car and we made out. Really hardcore, Bill. I was surprised at how aggressive she was being all nerdy as she was.

Why do people think nerdy women don't have needs too? You know, they're just a little introverted. All you got to do is give them the green light. You know, open the fucking door. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. What the hell was I? I was surprised how aggressive she was. She asked, I was surprised how aggressive

she was being all nerdy as she was, but nothing oddly sexy about it. She asked to ditch her place and go back to my hotel. Oh fuck, Jesus Christ, dude. Jesus. So I say, okay, cool. On the way there, I started having second thoughts. I thought things might be moving too fast.

I know, I know, what a pussy. No dude, it's actually a very fucking, it's a mature choice there. If you got other women that you just bangin', this is not somebody you can just discard. This is your friend's sister. You got to run into her again. You got to go easy on this one.

It's a fucking ticking time bomb. So anyways, we go back to my room. Nothing happened. I cooled it off intentionally. We had a few drinks, talked, joked around while she laid on my bed. This is when I noticed that she laughed exactly like my buddy, her brother.

Oh no. The more she laughed, the more it's bothering me. Needless to say, that was the end of the night. I'll make out session and a few drinks and some laughs. So here's my question, Bill. I think this girl is perfect for me. She's smart, educated, gorgeous girl, but how can I get over that laugh?

All I could do was picture her brother and nothing kills the mood more than that for me. Am I being a dick for thinking about passing up this girl or is there something here, Bill? Thanks and go fuck yourself. I don't know if there's something there. You've got to tell me. But as far as I, as an outsider looking in,

yeah, you can't be with that girl. You can end up fucking your friend. I'm joking. No, I know what you mean. I remember there was a buddy of mine. I had, and his sister looked exactly like him with long hair. It was uncanny how much they looked like each other.

And, you know, she was a nice person, everything, but it was my friend in drag. And, you know, so much of a relationship, keeping it going is if you can make each other laugh. And if every time she fucking laughs, you got to break up with one of the two. I don't know. You break up with, you can't be friends with him anymore.

You just got to be with her long enough that that laugh becomes her laugh. I don't know. Do you know what it really comes down to is how freaked out you are by it? You know? I mean, every guy's had this. You meet a girl in the bar and you're attracted to her,

and then she has the same name as your mother. It's like over, over, it's over. Done deal. Can't do it. What's the matter? Can't tell you. Can't tell you. See you later, sweetheart.

See you later. You are trampling on sacred ground there, sweetheart. Get it. What's your middle name? Because I want to dress you by your name when I say to get the fuck out of my face. I don't know what you do there, buddy. I mean, if you actually feel like this,

there's something there beyond the fact that you want to just banger, which I don't think you have a problem finding women to bang. So maybe you do think of something about her. I don't know. That's going to be your, that would have to be your choice.

Just personally speaking, I don't know if I met the girl that I thought was, you know, the one I'm supposed to be with. And she laughed like my best friend. Oh my God, there's 7 billion people on the planet. You can't find some woman to fuck that doesn't laugh like your friend.

Ah, Jesus. You know, I'm not good at advice today. That even sounded ignorant to me. You could hear all the fucking women go, God, he's so fucking stupid. All right, let's go back to this one. Dear Billy Costanza, recently I was in Boston for work

and I decided to visit a good old, oh wait a minute, what the fuck is this? Oh, wait a minute. Oh, I copied and pasted it. I'm a dummy. All right, threats on your comedy. Dear Bill, if Kim John Ill, or the dictator of any country

had a problem with your comedy and strongly suggested or threatened you to never do a particular bit again, would you stop doing that bit? Not in the United States. I wouldn't, not in Canada, not in an allied country, but you know,

if I went over to Asia, I would be a little, I don't know, even if I was in China. As far as I know, they get along with Korea pretty well, don't they? So they're not really looking at any shifty Korean type of dude

coming into town. I would be a little bit nervous. I mean, fucking that guy like feeds, he fed his uncle to wild dogs. The guy was like naked and just watched him fucking, you know, basically maul the guy to death and then eat him.

Yeah, I would definitely be fucking nervous. Would I stop doing the bit? No, I don't think I would stop doing the bit. But you know, with these dates I have coming up, going to like Singapore and Hong Kong and shit like that, I would definitely be,

I would not do it in those countries, you know? The fuck am I? Chuck Norris was his Delta Force? Yeah, I don't give a fuck, I mean, if you're basically saying, I don't know, I don't know why they did that.

I guess I understand it on one level, because God forbid, what if some fucking copycat maniac actually went in and did something? The amount of money that they would have got sued and who's kidding who? They don't make the money that they make, that they used to make in movies anymore

because you guys all fucking steal them. So I don't think that they could handle putting out a fucking movie and then people get blown up or whatever, get shot up or some shit. And then they have to pay all the relatives. So I guess I understand it,

but it's, you know what's weird is if, why do they make it public? You know what I mean? Like they shouldn't have made the WikiLeaks or any of that shit like they shouldn't even cover it on the news because I would have never known,

like if they leaked them out, I never would have known. I never would, I wouldn't have fucking, I would have had no idea. The only reason why I knew is because other people told me and the fucking news,

just you know, let's go about your business. Who gives a fuck? So then when they're making these threats, we're gonna do this. Once they make the threat, I guess yeah, you can't back down

or that gives them power. So I guess I'd have to do the bit, unless I'm over on their side of the world. Then I'm, you know, I'm not saying shit. You know, fucking get kidnapped. Have them do God knows what,

you know, I see what they do to the dolphins over there. What the fuck are they gonna do to me? All right, Christmas baking. Dear Billy Doughboy, what's happening in the bar kitchen this year? Will you be baking one of your famous breads or pies?

Should we expect any pictures on Twitter of your creations? I actually send out a picture of the pan-theared pork chops. Technically, if you bake a bread, your house becomes a gingerbread house. Hey now. Oh, Jesus.

You know, some of you guys are really funny and then other you guys, you guys write like those jokes that you used to see on the match game and everybody would fucking laugh like it was hilarious. Charles Nelson Riley.

I got to be honest with you. Underrated pan-searing a piece of meat. It's fucking incredible. You pan-sear that fucker and then you bake it the rest of the way through in the oven. You take it out, give it a little butter bath,

go fuck yourself. I got another recipe for how to pan-sear a New York strip and if you ever told me that I was going to put a fucking New York strip in a goddamn pan and sear it, I would say,

get the fuck away from me. You're a communist. I don't know what the fuck that means, but whatever. I would say get the fuck away from me, but now after how unbelievable that pork chop tasted, juicy as goddamn hell.

I'm all about it. During the Christmas break here, I'm going to up my pan-searing game here. It was awesome as I went down to the local butcher. We got a great fucking butcher in our neighborhood. I went over there and I put in the order for the fucking Rose Bowl. I'm so goddamn psyched.

This year we're doing some ribs. We got the burgers. Lawhead's going to make the fucking almonds. You know what's funny? I actually texted Lawhead a picture of the pan-seared pork chops that I had and I said that I texted him because he's like the fucking cook at the thing

and I said, just to let you know, your backup has taken some snapster in practice. Like I'm breathing down his fucking neck. I could never be a better cook than that guy. That guy's fucking unbelievable, but yeah, I'm going to be making a pie this week. I made some more pumpkin bread

because it's a fucking joke to make now at this point. I love it. Made it for two more people and I drive around LA and I just dropping it off like a brick of weed and yeah, I like doing it. In fact, you know what? I might make a fucking pie today,

just for the fuck of it, just because I haven't made one. I didn't make one over Thanksgiving because the fucking construction was going on. I don't want to forget how to make the fucking pie crust. Now, remember people, you don't want to fully mix, whatever you're shortening and everything with the flour.

You want to get it where it's just mixed, where it's crumpled, because then when you roll it out, as you're rolling the fucking thing out in the crust, that's when the rest of the mixing happens. If you already have it fully mixed and then you roll it out, you're going to have a tough crust

and that's one to grow on. All right, Christmas gift dilemma. Hey, oh, Billy Boy. Billy Boy, Billy Boy, Billy Boy. Wait, let me do the rest of the fucking advertising here real quick. Oh, go fuck yourself. That's what we got to do.

Hey, if you want to donate to this podcast, but not have to really give me any money, next time you go to amazon.com, just go to billburr.com. First, click on the podcast page, click on the app, the Amazon link, whatever the fuck it's called. A little avatar there.

It takes you right to Amazon. Everything's the exact same price and then they kick me a little bit of money for driving some traffic over that way. No fucking skin off your fucking balls there. All right, e-voice everybody. I love the flexibility that owning my own business provides.

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That's funny if it's just you and your business, then you just make up a bunch of other people's fucking names. You know what's the hardest thing to do when you write a script is other than the third act is coming up with fake names. They always sound fake, so you just start naming them people. You went to high school with characters and that type of shit.

All right, last thing here, stamps.com, everybody. With the holidays almost here, you don't have time to go to the post office. And even if you go, you don't want to go. If you do have time to go there, there's going to be traffic. There's going to be lines out the damn door. You know, supplies all over the floor. It's an absolute shit show.

It's going to be packed with everyone mailing their holiday gifts and packages. You know what, do what I do. Use stamps.com instead. With stamps.com, you can avoid all the hassles, man, of going to the post office during the busy holiday season. Everything you would do at the post office, you can do right from your desk.

Why the hell would you go down there? Buy and print official U.S. postage using your own computer and printer. You can print postage for any letter or package, the instant you need it. Then the mailman picks it up. It's a joke. It's so easy and convenient. I use stamps.com to send out all my posters when I want to whore myself out

and make a little extra cash at the end of the show. And you know what? You should too. We should use the damn thing. Right now, get this special offer when you use my last name Burr, no risk trial. At what point is this not going to be a special offer? It's been a special offer for three years. A $110 bonus offer

that includes a digital scale and $55 free postage. Call for action verbatim. I've got to make sure I say every word here. Don't wait, exclamation point. Go to stamps.com, comma, before you do anything else, comma. Click on the microphone at the top all capitals of the homepage

and type in Burr, B-U-R-R. That's stamps.com, comma, enter Burr, B-U-R-R. You said verbatim. All right. What a douche I am. Well, I tell you about the lady. I saw her yelling at that person in the 7-Eleven. I don't know what happened.

I walked in and this fucking lady was yelling at the 7-Eleven guy, right? And I could tell by his energy he was right because he's just got this sort of smile. Like, all right, lady, all right, all right. And she's fucking flipping out. You don't touch me. You don't pull that out of my hand. He's like, all right.

And she's getting towards the door and she's cursing around everything. And he goes, all right, have a nice night. You have a nice night. She just goes, bullshit. Bullshit in your mouth. Bullshit in your mouth. You didn't mean that. I never heard it said that way.

Bullshit in your mouth. All right. Christmas baking. All right. Did I answer that one yet? Yeah, I did. Christmas, you know what I wanted? I'm going to do a fucking prime rib dinner. Popovers and some other fucking bullshit. Some sort of greens. Fucking throw that down with a giant goblet of wine.

And just start snoring in the corner like I fucking accomplished something. That'd be a great way to do it. Hey, you know what's fucking... What are you doing, Cleo? Come here. Come here, buddy. Be once in a while. You got to pet your dog,

even though you're doing something else. Come here. What's going on, huh? What's up, buddy? Gonna go for a hike later, fucko. Huh? Underrated. Scratching your dog on its neck, under the collar. Not that people forget this spot.

It's the funniest shit ever. The second you do it, they extend their face, and they have a look of satisfaction in their eyes. You wish you could, as a human being, experience whatever the fuck it is that they're experiencing. Fucking dog's face right now. He's like, oh. All right, get out of here.

All right? You shitting machine, you? Oh, and I was done with the pork chop last night. I went out and rinsed the thing off because my dog has a sensitive stomach. If there's any spices on it, she fucking gets the runs. But rinsed the whole fuck. Hey, get over there and lay down.

Hey, where you going? Get back over there and lay down. Where you going? All the doors are closed. Get over there and lay down. Rinsed off the bone. Actually, my wife did it. Why am I taking credit? She's the one who did it. I didn't have the balls, too, because I take her for a walk and I have to clean up

the fucking shit show, literally. She's like, nah, I'll... I'll wash it all off. The fucking joy of a dog when you give it a fucking bone. It's unbelievable. They fucking throw it down. They walk around it, tail wagging.

They just can't fucking believe it. They're so goddamn... They give the same can of dog food every goddamn night, every morning. And it wolves it down. But it's just eating the same shit just to get that fucking break. Unbelievable. All right.

Christmas gift dilemma. Hey, oh, Billy Boy. My fiance and I are big fans of your work. Well, thank you very much. I am writing to ask you if you could tell him Merry Christmas for me on your podcast. I don't have a lot of money to get him anything this year. No.

Are you the fucking couple from the Bon Jovi song? Johnny used to work on the dog. You just bit on strike. He's down all his luck. It's tough. So tough. Why the fuck was Bon Jovi

sitting in the box with Robert Kraft applauding a jet's loss? Isn't he from New Jersey? We gotta hold on to what we got. I own arena football and it's not so great. Maybe if I hang out

with Barbie Craft I can buy the bills. I'll give it a shot. Sorry. So you don't have a lot of money. Okay. I don't have any money to get him anything this year because I am working hard

and trying to make a living in theater. He is incredibly supportive of my career and does everything he can to help me and make me happy. This year I have been trying to think of something I could do that was special for him. This is where you come in. I was wondering if you could take a few seconds

on the podcast to say Merry fucking Christmas to Drew from Marcy. Oh, to Drew from Marcy. I thought Marcy was the name of the town. Marcy what? She loves you more than anything in the world and thanks you

for everything you have done for her. She can't wait. Alright. Wait a minute. She loves you. I thought this is from this is from a dude. Merry Christmas to Drew from Marcy. I'm all fucking turned around here.

He is incredibly from Marcy. So you wrote he loves you. She loves you. No, he loves me, right? I'm just going to say what you said. Hey, Merry fucking Christmas, Drew. You cunt.

I hope you have a 2015 that I don't know twinkle toes. I hope you booked something, a bunch of jobs and you have your own podcast and everything works out for you. Stick with Marcy. She seems like a wonderful woman. There you go. Did that warm you fucking hot?

Alright, flying. Hey, Billy Bob. First of all, love the special and can't wait for F is for Family. Hey everybody, I gotta tell you guys, what you guys have been doing of tweeting and Facebooking and talking about my special is unbelievable. The amount of new fans that I've gotten and all

that type of shit. So I do not take that for granted. Thank you to everybody who's been doing that. I really appreciate it. That is all anyways. And I can't wait for F is for Family. You know what, neither can I. I did the last

records for the first six of them. Nia took this great picture too. I should tweet it out. But I did we just had a fucking blast. It's the most

fun fucking job I've ever had. And I really think that the show is going to the Rex Ryan here. I think if we fucking if we don't drop the ball, this thing is going to be fucking hilarious. Yeah, it's been

it's been fucking ridiculous. Fuck I gotta wait a year. It's fucking brutal. I wish it was coming out tomorrow. Anyway, secondly, congrats on the helicopter training. I had a suspicion you were doing some kind of training or something because every time I hear you talk about the atmosphere and shit, you started

sounding less and less like an idiot. That was my favorite part of ground school was the weather. What is your favorite thing about flying? And you need to cross over to the dark side and get your fixed wing certificate for all you other people out there. That

means to just fly an airplane that's fixed wing as in the wing is fixed as opposed to a helicopter word spinning around. Okay. And he goes, I fly private jets and I'm a flight instructor out here in LA. Let's get you and your wife in something you guys can travel in.

Dude, I love the fact that you think that I could ever afford something like those things are like fucking zillion dollars. Now with your ADHD and your dyslexia, I'm sure you've botched reading this email. So go fuck yourself. That's

I don't know, man. I would fly in a jet. That's got to be fucking unbelievable. What do I like most about flying? I'll tell you yesterday was the first day I actually felt like one with the machine. Like I actually, you know,

it's kind of like when you have to stop thinking about driving and you can just sort of feel the car. You know, you've just done it enough that you've just sort of fucking, it's like you're sharing the same brain. I finally, I hadn't flown in a minute because I was all busy and

but I was thinking about it a lot as crazy as that sounds. I was thinking about different scenarios and then the inputs, you know, and I flew great. My favorite, you know, my favorite fucking part about flying a helicopter

is auto rotations and when I get my license, I'm taking the advanced auto rotation class where you got to take it all the way down to the ground and for those people who don't know, that's like if you had engine failure and like many people, I also felt that if the engine failed

on a helicopter, you were fucked and you just fell out of the sky. You don't. It's actually safer, I think anyways, than fixed wing because of the house basically with the fixed wing, you know,

you have to, how fast you still have to be going when you land, you know, and if you're not on a fucking road and it's a goddamn field and there's tree stumps there and shit, that's why so many of those fucking fixed wing guys, they get it on the fucking ground and they still die when they hit a

fucking tree because that thing is not designed to hit anything. It's designed to fly. It's all weight and balance. So you basically you're in a fucking golf cart and you fucking hit a tree. It's 60 knots or whatever the fuck you got to be flying. I don't

know. I don't know anything about fixed wing. How fast you have to be going to still you know, maintain lift or whatever but it's terrifying. Where's a helicopter? All right, really quickly and I'm going to sound like a moron. I know. So basically, you know when you watch like a Rambo

movie and they shoot out the tail rotor and then the fucking helicopter starts spinning around. Okay. And then they fuck basically if you roll off the throttle. Okay.

The engine is no longer turning the main rotor. What's turning the main rotor is you're just sent back down to the earth and the fucking air rushing up through the rotor, the main rotor. Okay, you no longer need the tail rotor. The tail rotor basically compensates for the fucking

like if your main rotor turns counterclockwise counterclockwise, it wants to turn the ship clockwise. So that's why you have the tail rotor on the back. It's compensating for that torque so you can keep the fucking thing straight so you don't just spin around like a fucking

top basically. And if you see a helicopter that has two main rotors basically, I guess it would be both giant rotors. The reason why they don't need a tail rotor is because one turns clockwise the other one turns counterclockwise both offsetting the torque and it keeps it fucking straight. So basically

if God forbid you had an engine failure, all you do is you roll off the throttle and the thing that I fly is you want to be going about 65 knots and that's the speed you want to keep it at. And as your RPMs come up, you catch them, you pull up power, which is the

weirdest fucking thing because you think if you didn't want it to go up you'd push it down but you actually pull it up and you just fucking just like that. You fucking glide all the way down and you're doing trim, airspeed, RPM, trim, airspeed, RPM, trim, airs doing that and then as the ground's coming out, you're picking your spot

as the ground comes up gentle aft cyclic, you go into a flare you basically stop in the air push the cyclic forward and then you level okay and at that point and then you just drop 40 feet and you just drop

to the ground and at right about 10 feet off the deck, you pull the power which is like pulling up the emergency brake and that last little bit of power slows you down, you drop like a fucking daisy. Now, I don't know how to do that yet. I can do it all the way

down to the flare and that's my favorite fucking thing to do and I've thought about that a zillion times on my couch literally reenacting it and thinking it and believe it or not it actually helped you because I hadn't flown since November 5th and I went out and we did some autos

and I had two of the best ones I ever did. I forgot to look at the RPMs because I was so psyched that I was in trim and that I was at 65 knots and I was falling at descending I should say at the right rate of speed and that's my favorite

thing because it's all about what the fuck am I, I just want to have those things so down that I can actually enjoy flying around. So, I would say that that was the most fun and another time I took out an R44 which is the four

passenger and I flew up the coast right by LAX, out by the water and you got to be 150 feet off the ocean as you go through Bravo airspace and you're looking at LAX

where you took off from a zillion fucking times it's just a different view and then you come back up on the other side and I made a right at the fucking what the hell was it the Ferris wheel there at Santa Monica and I flew right up I just followed Santa Monica

like driving down the road except you're in the air went over all the houses and Beverly Hills just kept going and going and going until I got out to fucking you know over where I live flew over my fucking house flew around some more out to the valley

then I flew over fucking Dodger Stadium so the next time I do that flight I'm going to fly over fucking Dodger Stadium and then over the Rose Bowl that's what I want to do and I don't know about fixed wing I like fixed wing as fixed wing seems like if you want to go if I want to start flying myself to my gigs

which I don't because I'm not going to make any money the amount of money I have to spend to fucking rent the plane and the jet fuel and all of that fucking shit I don't want to do that but what I like most about flying a helicopter is it's it's truly like flying where you can just

you can stop in the middle of the air like a fucking hummingbird and you go out over the ocean you see porpoises and shit that looks like a fucking giant shark and then you see a goddamn bunch of people surfing and you sit there from that bird's eye view going yeah that right there is why I don't go in the fucking ocean look at that thing

what the fuck is that thing swimming by itself sharks are loners so anyways yeah I would I could go on and on forever I would like

eventually to who's getting who I'd like to have that fucking helicopter that the guy had Magnum PI I would eventually love to have that in fact the next time I go to Hawaii there's a helicopter tour that they take you up and one of those Huey 500 where the fucking thing is

they gotta paint it just like that and they'll take you over the fucking volcanoes and the waterfalls and all that and I'm dying to do that shit but yeah I don't know I thought I was too dumb to get through fucking ground school I still have to take the test and all that shit that's what I would be knocking out here before I go to Australia

and then the second I get license I'm immediately going to take the advanced auto rotation class where I have to take it all the way to the flare and take it all the way down to the fucking ground which they basically don't let you do because they don't want you beating the shit out of the helicopters you'd be surprised what those skids can take especially with some of the fucking

landings I've had I might as well talk about this shit one of the most fucked up things ever is the first time when they let your solo just basically fly the traffic pattern around the airport you know I think if you're a sane person you never think you're ready to do that

but they kind of know when you're ready and then they just have you set the thing down they go alright I'm stepping out fly the fucking pattern and you sit there and act like yeah I got this shit and then you fly it and you can't believe what you know like the second time I did it

a fucking jet blue plane was landing and I had to hold over this building this hangar they called me out my fucking tail number and told me to hold and I did it and I was like it was weird

it was really weird like oh I actually know how to do that I mean I knew I knew how to do that but I didn't know how I knew I didn't know that I knew how to do that by myself and that's by the way what I call soloing flying by myself so anyways what do I enjoy about it all of it

I love that as much fun as playing drums and doing stand up it's just another fun thing to do and if you got the fucking time to do it why wouldn't you go do it so I did it was something that kind of came about

through freaking out about living in LA and being in conspiracy theory and then I did that bit about the you know that guy committing suicide jumping out of the helicopter and I was already into helicopters but I really

was one of those things in my head I just said that I I couldn't do it like I couldn't ever get through ground school I actually really enjoyed it some of it you know what the shit I fucking hate I hate all that fucking all that fucking radio

stuff and the fucking who do you contact if this happens and all that shit you basically need to know I find that stuff really tedious but learning about weather and the markings all that shit around the airport was fucking interesting how the fucking thing flies

actually to understand that now is pretty it's pretty amazing and you guys remember me and me a fucking year ago I didn't understand how a plane flew so yeah if you think you can't do something you'd be fucking surprised so there you go that's kind of uplifting isn't it

I hope it is anyways another year's gone by everybody thank you for come up to my shows anybody who's hyped anything that I'm doing I got some shit for your fucking asses next year I'm telling you telling you I just made a pilot that I think of might

go could be a funny fucking show I'm working on my new hour I got a sick ass fucking tour coming up of the south and I'm thinking of maybe doing another red state tour and then hitting all the other ones I got a fucking I'm going to

do some dates in Boston my hometown I haven't been there in a minute good couple of years actually come in February I haven't been there in a couple of years so it's going to be a big year for me next year and then of course I got F is for family coming out at the end of the goddamn year and it kills me every week that I can't tell you anything more

about it but I don't want to ruin it for you it's going to be a fucking monster I feel who knows who knows that's it everybody have a Merry Christmas Happy Hanukkah Kwanzaa whatever the fuck it is you do God bless you I'll talk to you next Monday

go fuck yourselves