Monday Morning Podcast - Nate Craig | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 9-18-25

Episode Date: September 19, 2025

Bill rambles with comedian Nate Craig about middle acts, being a dad, and his new special.   Check out Nate's special here: https://youtu.be/1ViHeQFpqf0?si=UKYkUBE6_LMq-qHJ (00:00) - Thursday Afternoon Podcast (01:09:35) - Thursday Afternoon Throwback 9-18-17 - Bill rambles about no booze, making an ass of himself at a party, and the Stub Hub Cent-AHH! (02:15:14) - Anything Better Podcast - NFL Week 3 Preview with Paul Virzi.  Bill did it again going 0-4, while Paul scratched out a 2-2 week. They also talk about Paul attending a Broadway play and the loyalty of dogs. TRUEWERK:  Upgrade your day with workwear built like it matters. Get 15% off your first order at www.TRUEWERK.com with code BURR

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And remember to use promo code BIR at checkout to save 20% off your first order. All right. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr. And it's time for the Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcast. And I'm just checking in on you. It's being filmed. So you know we have a guest, all right?

A White House approved guest. Is he running the country or is he running a TV network? Who do you think should come on after Alf, Mr. President? Anyways, this guy, one of my favorite comedians, has a new stand-up special out that you can see on YouTube. on Patreon. Patreon? Yeah, all the above. Patreon.

Please welcome Nate Craig, everybody. FCC mandated free independent comedy special married to it. Oh, well, there you go. Married to it. I actually did my homework. Thank you, I watched the whole special. I pointed out of a camera so you know I'm telling the truth. You texted me about details of the special.

I was honored that you watched it. Thank you, buddy. Yeah, no, you killed it. You were looking shop. Yeah, yeah. You went to Men's Warehouse, she said. Got yourself a little? No, no, I went downtown to the, you ever go downtown to the district?

Oh, I've been downtown. I don't, I didn't go downtown to buy a suit. They go, they got, they got you. They got what you need. They got more than you need. Oh, they do. That's fantastic. I was going to say, look better than a men's warehouse suit.

It was, it's a much nicer get-up, but. Did they say it's a much nicer get-up? I guarantee it. They said, they said, fine. Better than men's warehouse. Finest quality. I guarantee. Only the finest.

here, friend, my friend, only the finest here. That's some 80s humor right there. Women, they shop in a department store. We're shopping a warehouse. What is the deal? What is the deal with that? Where's the ladies' warehouse? I want a warehouse for the ladies.

Ladies, you deserve a warehouse too. Sorry, I interrupt. Is the ladies warehouse a horroes? What? Can men shop at the ladies' warehouse? Wall to wall vaginas! Can I wear what they sell at the ladies' warehouse? Anyway, what was I going to say?

You're a degenerate football gambler like me. I'm a, I don't, I've learned enough. I've learned enough to not gamble on my inclinations. I haven't won a game yet this year. I'm 07 and 1. I am in my 8-3. My big pick-em where I can win the most money, so yes, I do gamble. 5 and 11.

I'm 5 and 11. Those are my best picks. I know, but it's an insane year. It's insane. That guy from the monkeys, Davy Jones, who was with the Giants? What's he doing? They fuck sent him to the Colts and he can't miss. Oh, yeah, Danny Jones.

Those wheels will fall off. Although they just got the best offense. They've had the best offensive line in football for five years. Well, maybe that's all he needed. A line. Instead of running for his fucking life out there in the metal lands. I'm not betting anything. Jimmy Hoffa yelling up from under this.

What's all that noise up there? Hey, hey, where the. Indianapolis Colts? I'm not betting any fucking money on the Colts, no shot. I took them this week. Against the Broncos? No. Who are they playing the Broncos?

Oh, you're taking them this week. I took them this week. Okay, okay. I haven't looked yet. This is all. I got the kid, me and the wife, we battled norovirus last weekend. I took the Jets last week against the bills. Now this week I go, fuck it.

I'll take the bills laying 11 and a half Thursday night. I'm sliding in the weekend already before the game even starts. I'm down 11 and a half. I like it, you know? Tonight. You're talking about tonight. I am talking about tonight. What are you talking about?

But I thought you said jets. Oh, but when this comes out, it'll be tomorrow. No, I said last week I had the Jets when they played the bills. So now I'm taking the fucking bills. You know what happens. It's like I bet the paths the first week. And then I'm going to go, okay. You know, well, fuck it.

The dolphins own us. I'll take the dolphins. It's a pendulum and it just swings a half a point to this side of the point spread to a half of the point spread to a half a point to this side of the point spread. It's just like. They got you tonight. That's a little Dolphins lock. It's like the Truman show.

Yeah. The Truman, it's like they know, they're watching me. Watching you fill out your card? Yeah. They're playing with me. They usually give me hope. I'm usually, Billy wins some, lose some. I go two and two.

I bet four games. I usually go two and two. And this year, I'm just, you know, I got a standing eight count fucking two weeks in. Billy Red Ink. Betty. Billy Dead Money. I'm on the hot seat. Billy Dead.

money. What are you got going on, man? You went on the road these days? You're building up the new one? Let's talk about the new hour. You went to a place. You shot it? Well, next week I'm in Minneapolis at Acme, one of the best clubs anywhere.

I never got past there. You never got past there. I wasn't good enough. I went there in person in audition. I know for a fact. And they said, let me tell you something, you balding redhead. No. You could take you and whatever the fuck that was.

No, no, no. And you can go over to St. Paul with that shit. We're at Twin Cities for a. reason. But when guys like you come to town, we send you on the other side of the river. Go see Paul. This was back when they were still playing in the Hubert Humphrey Homer Dome. Oh, the, who's that right? Randy Moss was still playing? Before it puked on its own shoes. Although when I went to the game. Remember when it caved in and puked on its own shoes, that was fun. That was a great day for Packer fans.

Oh, I want to go to the new place. The collapsed lung of stadiums. I like the new place. The new place looks good on TV. I'm not going to lie. It's a mega church, but it does the boy choir with the light from the from the outside comes in and hits the field they did a nice job they can take all of those fucking stadiums domes you can take all of those fucking stadiums all in the new stadiums

tell me what you can do with them and that fucking the DJ and the guy who goes fake yeah you can take all of them you went to a Raiders game no the fucking Rams game oh yeah yeah dude like you don't even have to cheer they're pumping in crowd noise and it's just like it's like if ACDC played a ballad like it's at that level of volume they're going to give everybody

tinnitus like the thing about it everybody's just like comatose watching the screens it's a lot I mean they're just so big the places are huge my favorite part of the rams game that I went to was they had this male cheerleader out there and it was like his dream I've never seen a happier human being it was contagious we were all laughing but with him yeah he was just fucking people lost their mind the Vikings did that too. They got a male cheerleader. He's out there. He's putting mustard on it. Oh my God. It's good. It's fucking. It's great. It lives somewhere between hope and the three stooges. See? It was just, it was awesome. It made you feel good, but you were also laughing at it, but you were with them. See? This is what therapy is doing for you, buddy. This is what

therapy is doing for you. You see the one male cheerleader at the Rams game. And you were like, I I like this guy. I want to have an espresso with this guy. He came running out. He was running sideways doing like this with like he could not have been happier doing it. Hello, my darling. And I was with another buddy in mind. And we didn't even say that.

We just started laughing. And then it would end it. We were just like, dude, that was fucking awesome. No shirt, tuxedo jacket. No, no. Just like, I mean, dude. Top hat, cane. Just destined to be underpaid on Broadway.

While still crushing it. Oh, man. Anyway, these new fucking stadiums, like just everything, it's just so fucking loud. Yeah, it's a lot. It's a lot. I don't mind if the crowd's making that noise, but why do I have to listen to somebody? You have a microphone. You don't have to scream into it.

I know what a first down is. They have like 40 screens telling me, I know that they just got a first down. Even if I didn't, the wide receiver stands up after he helps me out. He fucking goes like that. You can't escape me either. And then just in case, is it for the blind? Do they have a blind section there? They just got a section.

They just got the 70 through the 85th,000 attendee. They got to blast you all the way up to all the way down to the field. They're getting everybody's got their own speaker. Everybody's got their own. Well, I know they always say the chiefs and the Seahawks are the loudest fans. But I would say the loudest PA system I've ever been around was the fucking Arizona Cardinals. Oh, I'm going. Packers play there next month.

I would bring like those fucking things like you're going to the gun range. I talked to a security guard there. I had earplugs in. I said, dude, you better wear some earplugs. Are you going to get tinnitus? He said, I already have it. Oh, wow. Should I hire a...

Going to football games? A big man to carry me like an infant baby with my... Have you ever done the awful weekend with the loud middle who has like the microphone in his mouth? Ugh. It's like that in the act doesn't end. It's a three-hour act. The loud middle... Ah, that's funny.

I think that's kind of dead, like that trick. What trick? The talking to the, you know, like make the, you know, make people laugh because you get this much louder. No, I mean screaming. I'm talking about screaming. Like you're in nine-inch nails in 1991 and you're telling me how many yards were just gained on that play. It's not necessary. I showed up.

I am a fan of football. I'm a fan of a lot. of things. I like to cook. I don't want somebody to scream the recipe at me through a fucking jumbo-tron. I agree with you 100%. I don't need... And that's another quarter cup of flour. It's like, I realized that. I read it and I put it in the bowl. Now I kind of want, now I kind of want somebody to near, to read you a cookbook while you cook. I'd like to watch that actually. Yeah. Some lady's screaming at you while you're trying to make a souffle. Why a sous-flay?

Because it's difficult. I think I made the right choice, and I don't need your skepticism. I don't even know what a suflay is. A suflay is the one where you... I thought you were kind of challenging, like, my manhood when you said that. It was the A part, not the Sue. Huh. Sue is a chick name.

This strikes me as a regression, Bill. The Sue part, the chick name of that I was all right with. When you get to the flay, it started with an F. You speak French? Huh? You speak French? I was trying to put it in your wheelhail. What is a souffle?

It's like a dessert? I don't even know. Now it's a, I think it's like a... You're using words that you don't know. An egg bake. We're not... Craig, everybody. It's a new special.

He uses words he doesn't know. You can't. Because they sound vaguely French. Bill Burr, ladies and gentlemen, he reacts negatively to just the mention of a word he doesn't recognize. It's all an attack on him. Have you not, have you or have you not gotten to know this man? I'm listening to his podcast for a well over a

decade most of you oh that might have been the truest thing ever said she not by my wife on this podcast she knows me she lives with me man she's in the locker room she she knows what's happening you on the other hand i've regressed because i'm i'm sitting down i'm slouching again but listen i'm more refined i'm a more refined bill burr since the last time he came on this podcast i feel the same way i've been watching you i've been watching your definition what's my what is that's a made up word I made that one is made up fair and square. I like that one. I've been watching your refinery.

My refinery. But there's no, that's not refineries. Speaking of refineries. Speaking of refineries, in the valley, there's some sort of refinery. And they built this big apartment complex like up the street from it. And when the wind blows, you smell all this shit. Yeah. They're trying to sell them and everybody's calling them the apartments.

Yeah, that's, uh, that's, uh, that's, a hard pass. Dude, like, if they ever did... Rentals. Keep those rentals. No, but if they ever did, like, the real estate version of the office, like, that is an episode that they have to sell these things that people are calling the apartments. You don't see that?

Steve Correll, acting like he doesn't smell it. I do. And all the employees have to live there for, like, their temporary assignments. I know. That really was such a, like... This office is great. How come nobody stays here? Well...

It's a very low-key, unbelievably sad, soul. crushing show if you watch it on a certain level if you just sit there for the jokes it's hilarious but underneath all of it those people got to go home it's just like nobody there is following a dream yeah it's a dreamless office yeah well that's what i got out of it bill burr ladies and gentlemen not afraid to and then what and then i'm supposed to like emotionally get excited that this man who lost his dream is now attracted to a woman who also was lost their dream and they're going to have a child and not know how to tell it how to get out of this and that's it could be that kid's life work to not end up like mom and dad who work at this

paper company I really wish I knew the theme song because I would have hummed it right then but I just don't know how it goes it's a piano isn't it I like when they do the exteriors and they're clearly in L.A. and they try to act like they're in Pennsylvania I never seen Scranton exteriors? I've never seen. Those aren't L.A. I'll tell you what's great is the palm tree in Scranton is always my favorite. Talk about.

The Mojave dirt. Talk about somebody that quit. The Palm Tree. What are you doing? I would say the B team. The B team shooting on that thing. You're not meant to be here, Palm Tree. I don't know.

I met a girl in college. Her family was here. I quit the band, man. I thought I found love. I had a spot in Malibu, man. I just met somebody that just randomly moved out to Pennsylvania and they said that they love it. But you got to...

We're in Pennsylvania. Exactly. Pennsylvania is one of the most surprisingly gigantic fucking states. Oh, it's massive. New York's another one where everybody, you know, they're so busy trying to be down there near Bobby Flay to try out his burger that they have it.

It's all about Manhattan and the boroughs, but you get on that 87 north. And I'm going to tell you right now, that's a stretch of road man i'm gonna tell you it it's a stretch of fucking road you know it takes a day and i have to get across texas man i'm gonna tell you right now i'll tell you right now new york city i lost half my fucking mind going to albiddy and another half making a left out to buffalo new york city this syracuse man but but it's it's it's it's weird how you go to vermont and you're looking like this is god's country i think because it's it's a state that's a size

that you can mentally deal with that's for me anyway like I need to know that I can get the fuck out of here. And what I love about Vermont is if you go left, right, or down, you're out of that fucking place. Is that south? You go up, you're fucked. You're up. You're in Canada, right?

Oh, yeah. You got damn right. And I'll tell you, you try to cross the border by yourself. They're tearing apart your car. They're straight out in the lower 48. They tear apart your fucking car because sadness is not an excuse at the Canadian border. They throw in salt at your gears. I told you that time I crossed the border by myself to go to an expos game.

I was doing some fucking. gig up there and I crossed the border by myself to go in an Expos game and they had maybe 1 30 games that year and they just did not believe me and they just started tearing and I didn't understand it and then they because I don't understand how pathetic I was until like half hour and they're like this guy's got tamper's full of cocaine no and then I realized it and I just started laughing and I came back to the car and had this big shit eating grin on my on my face like and I'm also so happy that I went I am going to the Expos game I also have bumpers full of cocaine. I am also selling the cocaine to the expos. No, to buy the expos. See, if I was going to buy

like a real baseball team, I would have to have two bumpers. But to buy the expos with the dollar exchange, I just need one. You're good. Do you know there's the, uh, in Keith Richards book, I'm a big reader. The Keith Richards autobiography, he talked about in like the late 60s. They wanted to see some of America when they were on tour. So they just bought an Impala. think it was white too which is you know the late 60s and polas are fucking gorgeous um and they had drugs on them and they didn't want to get caught so they took off the door panel and they put it behind there this is before drug sniffing dogs like dogs were really dumb back then you know what I mean they they weren't allowed to reach their potential so all they did was bite people that

wanted equal rights but they weren't able to smell they weren't able to smell drugs so they put it in there and they were just such drug addicts they forgot that it was in there and they either sold the car or abandoned it or whatever and Keith was saying every once in a while he thinks about that and wondering if it's still on the road and somebody realizes there is a copious amount of smack or cocaine or something in the panel it's in there it's they bought new drugs they replaced the drugs yeah this was this was in the six so they were huge already they just wanted to drive around whatever it was it was if it was a 60s it was probably pure right this is before the man got involved than selling drugs you know this is when it was natural yeah wow yeah when i used to buy cocaine

it was literally the leaf wow yeah it was like churning butter but cocaine bill i never talked to you about your cocaine days so my nose is so small and cute wow you had certain no i just blew out all the caved it in but i blew out all the cartilage i used have a big roman nose people never saw that part wow well that therapy will help you with that um no but you know what therapy therapy's just like comedians i mean comedy's great if you have a good comedian like yourself with a brand new special yep married to it mgm grand live on patreon and youtube that's right bill that's a good point see there you go dressed in the nines i guarantee it right but like if if therapy system but if it's a bad comedian that's the longest fucking hour you're gonna open mic therapist you got a

You ever deal with? You know what? You ever see a comic that, like, used to be funny? Oh, yeah. Used to be funny. That's a wild scenario. Yeah, and they got bitter and all of that. Well, that happens with therapists.

They can't listen to I got dittled by my mailman again. And they just, oh, God, not this occupation again. And they just get bored and they try to fast forward. They need to evolve. The solutions that they found with other ones. And then it's just like that. Like that person. They leave out steps for people like you.

Yeah, you get that therapist that closes doing 43 minutes, doesn't do the quite 45. Oh, buddy. Doesn't want to deal with the check spot. You can have those types of therapists. So you've got to watch it. Wow, I haven't even thought about that. You know, I've never gone to therapy. That's pretty good, man.

That's not true. My mom thought I had a drinking problem when I was in high school, so she sent me to see somebody. But I have, not that I, I don't know. Was she right? Yes. Yes. we all did it was uh that was we've drank kids don't drink anymore that's one thing i was i was wait a let's go back to you and like what was your excuse like mom we're in wisconsin like what

am i supposed to do i think that probably was my excuse then go see a major rock act they don't they don't come out here we also did that oh did did summer fest and yeah summer fest they try to get it all out of the way 12 bands on it once that's not a errol smith at summer fest up pearl jam so let me I mean, you two. Mini Pearl. They were all on the same show. I saw Pink Floyd. They came occasionally.

Let's get Wisconsin out of the way. They, uh, yeah, no, I don't know. We just drank. I mean, it was a boozy town. It was just half the economy in Madison and Milwaukee is all bars. Bars, yeah. Massachusetts was like that. Yeah, yeah, for sure.

And, but I mean, what, you know. I went to someplace the other day. It was just something you could do that was breaking the rules, but also like, not like kind of like dumb like you know like some people like stealing shit some people like fighting but drinking is like you know you can do it all you know it's like you yeah you can do it all together and you and you know you take a keg out to the woods we did that all the time that's all we did so you were drinking like too many nights a week yeah by yeah or just like a lot a lot yeah We had, you know, a couple, couple friends, parents were negligent,

and we would just go over to their house and just drink all the time. Oh, they were all right with you drinking as long as they knew where you were. No, she wasn't okay with us, me drinking, but like, and the parents just didn't know, and we were just, we just would drink all the time. It was just like, and, you know, we were learning how to drink, so it was just ugly. You know, you're a kid, you drink 14 beers before you know that you can only drink 10. or if you're going to drink 14 like how long you should stretch that out you don't know that yeah i mean i had a couple buddies could drink a case of beer in a night we were we were high school

children yeah it's like we had we had one kid who could do that that was literally his claim to fame i could drink a case in a night that's my case and he had old boxes he had groupies he had groupies that would like what they do sit on his box no like like like hype men they would walk around go like he can drink a case he's on 15 right now Look at him. I've seen him do it. He could do the ABCs backwards. I've seen him do it.

I've seen him do it. You know what the best part was? Aside from the fact he was a great guy, he was fucking thin as a rail. Dude, that's my buddy Chad. You didn't even know where it went. My buddy Chad. It's like those guys who win Nathan's hot dogs every year. It's always like some guy that weighs like 130 pounds.

How are you processing this? Yeah. Yeah. Yep, that was it. And we used to have the old, did you have these, like those old, they were cardboard, but it was like finished cardboard or something like those old fold open cases. Oh, finished. I thought you said finish. No, no.

Like you imported your books. I don't know. I'm only saying that because I don't know what they were, but like the hard cardboard where you would open the box of beer and there'd be 12 here and 12 here. That was like the old school case. You'd like build furniture out of them. That was like all my friends entertainment centers. Well, I know. Ours came on like you could get the TV tray one

that had the six packs. You could just bring those up if they didn't have a case. Ours was like a suitcase. Like an attache case. And you'd come walking up swinging those fucking things. Oh, thanks for coming, Doctor. Yeah, and then you'd fucking set it down and hope you didn't get carded. It's what we were called.

Carded. New York, they called it proofed. What'd you guys call it when they asked for your ID? Carded. Carded, yeah. I had a fake ID. All you had to do was somebody had to do it for you. There was somebody who could do it for you.

I was like fucking breaking bad. Like there was some legend that could exact on knife the numbers and flip them around. That was the greatest. and then stick it in your mom's typewriter. It totally didn't even match up. Different colors. It didn't even match up. It looked like a ransom note.

Oh, yeah. Give me this case of beer or your kids don't come home. When I got close to 21, I just started handing them my real ID because they, a lot of times. Yeah, they're just looking in. No, because they're not looking at the date because they know it's going to. say you're 21. They're looking for other shit to see if it's fucking real. So I would get in, not a lot, but a couple times I got in. And I had one time, the guy, it doesn't even say your 20. Get the fuck out. He was mad. He got mad. And I laughed. You asked me for my ID. I gave

it to you. So I can't come in? And he goes, I know what the fuck you're doing. Get out of here. So I can't come in. Yeah. All righty, everybody. It's true work. Fall weather changes fast. cold, wet, and windy, sometimes all in one shift. True work is performance workware built like it matters because it does. Founded by a trade professional who is tired of wet, heavy gear weighing him down. True work set out to make workwear that keeps pros comfortable, capable, and ready for whatever the day throws at them. Designed with advanced performance fabrics for lasting comfort, all day mobility, and year-round

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So head to Mood.com, browse their amazing selection of functional gummies and the perfect gummy for whatever you're dealing with. And remember to use promo code BIR at checkout to save 20% off your first order. Yeah, those were the good old days. Yeah, I definitely had a drinking problem, like three times in my life for like nine-year periods. Late teens, late-teens, late-20s, now. No, I'm good. I would say late teens and early 20s, mid-30s, and my 40s.

And my 40s. Well, each time it was longer. And then I was just like, all right, I got to. That's when I met you in your early 40s, I think. Oh, yeah. That's when we started. We had a couple go-rowns. There was one time you told the casino, we were up in Canada, you told the casino to open the bar back open for us so that you and me could sit at the bar and drink a fucking bottle of Johnny Walker Blue.

Do you remember that? No. That was good. Am I right? All I remember is that I was like, there's nobody else in here. This lady, she just sat there and just like-bakedly remember that. Bored whiskey for us. It was great.

Edmonton some like casino and a tent yeah it was way back it was the it was the trip we drove oh I had some bad ones in Canada oh I mean what else are you gonna do I didn't actually I just went to Winnipeg dude I had one one time rumors great club and I didn't one time we we stayed out until forever right in the next morning I had to fucking return this rental car and I was still fucking hammered because I went to bed like two hours before and I get up and it's of course it's like fucking zero visibility fog it snowed out and i can't get reception we're like three hours north of fucking toronto so i'm trying to remember how to get to get back to the airport and i and i can't oh man and i'm driving i'm gonna get busted for drinking and driving so we drive back to the hotel

and i ended up having to tell the guy behind the fucking counter dude i'm too fucking shitface can you bring it back and he's canadian so he goes oh yeah no problem okay yeah got it and then we took a cab and that's how I made my flight right and I barely remember the man god I love Canada wait a minute so like two months later I'm walking my dog or a month later and the rental car company calls me and starts telling me that I never returned the car and I had totally forgotten I didn't know what they were talking about I go what are you talking about I returned the car but blah blah blah and I just you know and they called me like three times in a week and I was like getting annoyed i was yelling at him and they i don't know if something jogged my memory i was like oh my god

is that car still sitting at the fucking hotel i don't think he ever returned it or did he drop it off with the wrong one i had no fucking idea so i just fessed up to that and then they said okay and they never called me again did they charge you for the month no i don't think so wow all right So Canada still made good there. Yeah, but Canada, don't fucking say you're going to return a rental car, would you not? Canada. Dude, let me know something in defense. You got a lot to deal with Canada.

You got Trump talking bullshit to you. No, no, no. You don't need to clean up after this guy. Let's be, yeah, let's be honest. We were like. You were bombed. We were bombed. And he was just going, okay, all right.

Yeah, buddy. Yeah, yeah. Okay. That's not the guy. That's, that's what he was doing. Yeah, I'm sure that that's what he was. That's what I would have done. Yeah, absolutely, sir.

I'm just going to agree with you until you fucking leave. Sure, the red centra. I'll get it right there for you, sir. But I'll tell you this, I would have returned to a royal car. You would have. I would have. You know why? Because you said you did.

No, you know why? Integrity, Bill. And that's what we're missing in this country. No, because I am dumb enough to get myself in that situation too. So I got a soft spot. I got a soft spot for fucking summer school kids that do shit like that. I just do. I will look the other way if nobody's really.

getting hurt how long did you say three hours to the airport no you said 30 no we were we were like three hours north of canada that was the problem i couldn't get cell service and then it was like fucking like totally like dude it was like the sun was just coming up and it was super foggy like after a storm or something it was the middle of winter so i just had everything working against me and i just i you know you know when you just know you're going to get pulled over i was just guys i'm not fucking doing this i'm not getting arrested in another country bill burr even if it is canada Everything working against me. You remember that show, arrested abroad?

No. Oh, dude, is this scariest show that was ever on TV? This is just bad. Right up there. Just hell stories from breaking the law in other countries? Right up there with to catch a predator. You could, you would empathize. You would empathize with a pedophile in a kitchen.

No, what was scary about that was how fucking normal those people were they were coming to abuse those kids. my favorite rabbi my favorite no my favorite one was a rabbi my favorite one was the teacher right and he tries to run out of the house and he runs through the garage and all the cops come out and he had glasses on he just went god damn it and he threw his fucking oh man you know i never thought a sex offender can make me laugh it was something there was something about the genuine emotion of it oh fuck those guys but and i can laugh i can laugh and i can laugh and i can laugh that because i've i've been that kid waiting at the house um you you earned it you earned it you know what i was doing that tv show before there was a tv show what do you think about that kids

so anyway um arrested abroad and it's not like uh it's not like little shit it's literally like these people you like what the fuck like i'm going to go to columbia and i'm going to tape a kilo a cocaine to my stomach. Half the reason they got caught was so fucking stupid. I just remember this guy talking about being in prison. And he asked the person interview him. He goes, do you know what it sounds like to hear a man being raped? Oh, my God.

That's what he said. I had to shut it off. Oh, my God, dude. It was like, I think that travel agencies paid to get that thing. What does it feel like to wait to be next? Jesus. Oh my God, dude. That is all. You think what? Travel agencies paid to get that taken off the air? Dude, I'm telling you, I didn't want to go to Florida after watching that fucking thing. I don't want to go to Florida now. I don't want to go anywhere. They need to reboot that show

and make it arrested a broad American edition. Florida's fun. It's got everything you need. Just don't go to Alligator Alcatraz. Everything you need. Well, they got that, but they also got Miami. It's salsa music. Let's not just make it all about all right just don't mothers who aren't with their kids anymore surrounded by just don't be a taxpayer working a seasonal gig and you're good i know i know and you know what's funny is these cowards with all of this shit that's going on our food supply is still poison you have no idea what you're feeding a baby oh well don't worry but let's let's worry about the late night schedule i'll tell you this i mean that's a hey let's talk about that but actually that's a

great point i think he makes a good head of a network let's see what he does that's a great point, Bill. That's a great point. The poison in the food supply. Don't worry because it's all sitting in fucking silos now. China ain't buying it. Nobody's buying it. All these farmers got my cousins can't. How do you know that? I'll tell you exactly. I ask my cousins, I'm going if they got their beans sold. They got none of them sold. Where do they usually sell their beans? I mean, the market is global. They sell China? Those fucking commie bastards? China buys like 60% of our soybeans. Dude, it's real. This is, the shit is real. Wait, we allow that? Yeah. Yeah, we do. do we have made in the USA in our beans like they do on our MAGA hatch?

Every goddamn one. That's what that's what Roundup does for you, buddy. Kills the bugs and lets them know where you come from. Because that's because it's fucking China, Bill. There's a billion people there. You don't sell beans to one kid eating a birthday cake. That's true. There's people.

You got to sell the beans to the people. That's true. That's true. Yes. So anyway, back to your Trump running a network. Wait, wait, wait, wait. that television network joke i always thought if you had a lot of people to feed you went with lasagna you go with beans

i mean beans you can go put corn and beans and anything well sure you it's a free country it's all right you don't have to fucking throw that word you don't have to weaponize soy i like the way you just said that to me i said it just fine this part is loaded but soy was just fine this is what he does you're in the middle I'm making a good point

you're in the middle I ask answering his question and he'll be like I think you're attacking me another classic attack everything working against me in this conversation

you didn't you didn't launch your head a little bit when you said it was soy you didn't you didn't do one of those I don't know I don't know

left over on the tape maybe I did get a little neck into it yeah that's like the fucking what are they called it was a false start we both stood up point at each other.

He moved his fucking head. No, I didn't. I didn't. That's my favorite one. What a jerk. I just love watching 300 pounds adults

telling on each other. That's my favorite part of a football game. They can call, remember when they only used to be able to. I did it. Remember when they only used to be able to call that on the offense?

I don't. Now if the defense, you remember, like, the defense could like jump across the line of scrimmage, but if they got back in time. I remember that as a quarterback If you ran across the line of scrimmage

You were treated like a running back I do remember that Not anymore I mean they thought women were being beaten back then You should have seen what happened to the quarterbacks We're going to be back in Oh my God Can you imagine if a quarterback

Was domestically violenting His whatever the word is His wife Beating? Yeah beating is wife and she complains about it you know what a beating is domestic try playing the fucking steelers with the offensive line i have it's all what i'm trying to say is life is about perspective nate how you feeling bill i feel good feel good my wife's offensive line is in shambles

right now oh no yeah you know so let's talk about the president's tv network bill when you when do you when do you start when do we start pitching him when do you start when do you start this lucrative business of washing politicians' balls that comedy has embraced. Well, this is what I've learned. What I've learned is that when they were saying fuck your feelings

and you're a bunch of snowflakes, they were projecting. And what the reality is, everybody's really sensitive. And people don't like being made fun of. It hurts their feelings. It does. And people on the right also have feelings.

Yep. Okay? And when their feelings get hurt, they get sad. but somehow people on the left are the touchy-feely people i i think everybody is is very sensitive and what i think is what's wrong with the world right now is there's just this an astounding lack of common courtesy and respect empathy and i would say it comes like if i was if i was running shit i wouldn't be getting rid of talk show hosts okay because they were doing

impressions of me with bald caps on and it hurt my feel feels. I would shut down CNN. I'd shut down Fox News. I would shut down all social media and I would remove the ability to leave comments on the internet and also the internet rules of libel and slander would apply. Well, it's a little late for that, Bill, but I have always had an opinion about 24-hour news networks. They should have one hour a day that they can call news. The rest of it's all sponsored content. One hour a day.

No, no, no. Fox, CNN. I like that, but the rest of the day you've got to show like teen mom or something. You're not allowed to say the sky is falling because of the other side, 24 hours a day, 365.

That is the problem. And that is whittled away the middle in this country. And now we are just so on both sides. But, I mean, I'm going to be honest with you, buddy. one side's winning and uh they're not interested in freedom of speech anymore so um well if they're speaking we are we have a we are lacking empathy like you said you know your boy the twitter guy

he says empathy is a weakness that is something that a dead-eyed robot would say because it's how you make it as a species in an evolved society but we are also lacking integrity and we have lacked it for quite some time now people are not and I mean integrity is basically you know you can lie to other people but you have to be able to lie to yourself in order to do it with the efficiency of Donald Trump and that's what people like about him he just is able to float his own lies with zero problem and it makes him feel like that's a way to be and it's just not yeah no and that's why he hates I would stick with my plan I would stick with my plan so then everybody would have to I didn't have a plan everybody has to live in

reality so we stopped blaming each side and and this that and the other thing and the same way that people who look at Donald Trump don't want to look at this guy like he's a lying ambulance chasing sue happy piece of shit liberals didn't want to act they acted like uh fucking mr magoo had all his faculties and they also are yeah I don't know if there's a comparison dude straddling the fence is getting a little bit harder I got to be honest with you you don't have to be honest just be honest with me you don't have to tell me you're being honest and also i got to be honest with you just be honest just be honest is the democratic party has not let democrats pick who the fuck they want to vote for for president since i'm not going to get hung up on

you see that i didn't even get to finish it i've heard it before it's because i've heard it before i get it they sunk bernie sanders i wasn't happy with it i voted for the guy i gave money to the can i just agree with you let's just do that let's just agree i agree with you yeah it's it's this is a slippery slope this is Donald Trump's ego the slipperiest slope of all time and that's where we're at so I don't know going back and rehashing democratic primaries from elections that we somehow lost because of the electoral college is maybe not I don't know maybe not relevant right now I thought that you nominated Bernie Sanders and the Democrats said no fuck you you're going with this company man I thought that that's what happened I thought that happened twice so we're

talking about the Democratic Party I'm talking boxing here I'm talking boxing here what's a better fight crazy Bernie versus crazy Donnie or a company man fucking Hillary Clinton looking like she's going to sell you a fucking something in the polka nose

okay I don't know buddy dressed like a real estate agent Praster fucking prime I mean she'd be she'd be and yeah

she had no star pop like I could have been a manager in this business and I could look at her and be like she does not have it I don't I'm not here to talk about, Bill.

Kamala, you didn't have the time to run on issues. You should have hoard it up. How are we talking about Hillary Clinton right now, Bill? Bill. Taxpayers are getting stuffed into rental cars by Johnny sign-up neo-Nazi with fake federal patches on their gear. And we're talking about Hillary Clinton. Come on, guy. I mean, I don't know.

Jimmy Kimmel just got kicked off the air. And Stephen Colbert, off the air. Like, there's no time for both sides of shit. It's your perspective. It is my perspective. There you go, buddy. I think it's also your perspective. You just don't like that I'm having an opinion and you want to kneecap me.

Wait, are you stealing my act? Now you're feeling attacked? They just fucking agreed with you. You put a little agreement bow on a disagreement and called an agreement. No, no. I said, let's just fucking agree. And then you said, at the fact that we're talking to Hillary Clinton, you did that. You said, insult to me a little bit.

Dude, listen. You fucking. Listen, I don't watch it. It's good. Don't. Don't. I think all of you guys that watch it are fucking insane. I went, where the fuck was I?

I came out of something. I got into an SUV and it had CNN and Fox News on, and I was in a good mood. And I looked at the headlines, like everybody's head was on fire. I just said the guy, can you do me a favor? Can you shut this shit off? Yeah, I agree with you. We don't have to pay attention to. that but where do you get your news then people want to know do when you do absorb information

belber people want to know does it come from travel the real life experience good for you yeah i just travel around and i'm starting to read and i got up instagram and fucking leave me alone stop would you stop with the no i couldn't i couldn't handle instagram i was totally addicted to it i had to fucking move the app to the end of the thing and without even thinking like a robot my thumb would go beep went went went and then fucking click on it well now I know why you haven't shared my special trailer but that's okay bill I haven't no no I'm fucking with you I'm text me yeah I don't want to be on that shit anymore I don't either I don't want to watch all of these fucking people it's too much I don't it's my Instagram is in in the water tank

behind my toilet it has kneecapped like a bottle of scotch it has kneecapped a generation of of social activism because everybody's on their screens feeling like that's doing something. I know, but it's all of us. It's all of us. It is. And our generation or the generation after us created it. It's like when people used to trash millennials, it's like, well, we raised them.

So you got, you adults that are bitching about the kids that you fucking raised. The parents, yeah, it's the parents who are also on the screens that are the problem. That's who I go after. If I was in office, I'd go after the parents. Parents, yeah. That's who I'd be rounded up, sticking down an alligator alley. I'm your Huckleberry. I'd fucking do that in a second.

How do you, how you've been enjoying parenting? Oh, that's great, man. the kid's great that's awesome yeah it's busting my ass a little bit but you can't complain when you got one kid nobody wants to hear that shit yeah and also you don't listen to those people who go it goes by it goes by so fast and they romantic take in every second they're looking back on it now you know they get eight hours sleep every night they forget what it was like to be in the shit okay you can't take it all in you're just trying to make it to 8 p.m. at night yeah and then you say to your wife hey let's watch this show in five minutes in you're out that's what it is that's

I'm we have we don't even try to watch this show yeah we are out dude that's why it's so amazing that you took the time to find yourself a snazzy suit and fucking put out an incredible special that I actually watch is a stand-up comedian that's that's the highest praise I could possibly ask that that's that's like you think ted coppel watches the news he does not he is the news he is the news bill you are comedy that's a great point yeah but not in a good way Comedy is endorsing my comedy special right now. And I did it with my legs crossed too. And when a white man crosses his legs and points at a camera, okay?

God damn it he wants to be hurt. I just, we're getting into martyrdom territory. That's, I mean, and it's nice. The left has a martyr now, you know. You just want to talk. I do. Who do you think you're going to change? Bill, I'm not trying to change anybody.

I'm talking to my friend right now, and I value your opinions. The second we sit here with cameras on, we're in show business. I hope you realize that. I'm under no illusion that we are not in the business. Somebody told me something a long time ago. There's no business like show business. And I want you to sit there and think about it. Do I have to sing the song too?

Well, everything's fucking show business, right? Yeah. Well. So what do you go next? What do you take your comedy cavalcade? Minneapolis next week at Acme. September 24th through the 27th. I'm in Texas.

Can I give you a VHS tape of my act from 20 years ago to see if they'll pass me? I'll take it to him. He's a big fan. I know I know you. Oh my God. Let me tell you something. That club's great. That's so funny, though.

It's easy to be a big fan from states away, okay? But when old fucking Billy Freckles showed up, he told me to hit the bricks. Hit them bricks, buddy. Well, you... I didn't even meet him. That's how disgusting he was with my app. It probably hurt you that you asked them to return your rental car for you. That didn't.

That's not a good look. You were cock-eyed drunk on my stage. I get it in Canada. But he was a fellow American, and he was a fellow American. didn't do it for you didn't do it he didn't do it's fucking bullshit i'll be in texas uh middle of november i'm doing um houston and austin i think the 19th and 20th and then i got my whole my holiday run i like houston Houston's fun it'll be fun we did houston they have the best guitar store if you're a left hand at left-handed guitar player they got a place that's exotic

south part sounds like some tourism guitar shopping because they don't they don't make them for us they just are you left-handed yeah you fucking freak i never knew that about you. Well, I'm sort of both because when I was growing up, they didn't let you be left-handed. Like the world was for right-handed people because they wanted you to get in that cubicle. Right it is, Bill.

Get in there at that paper factory. This woke left-handed bullshit. Yeah, and fucking marry the sad chick at the front desk and have mediocre sex because you don't know what it is. Stay and stay and don't even talk about it in public. You don't need to teach my children about your left-handed

ideology. Yes. yeah everything victims that's scissors baseball gloves everything was just for right-handed fucking people so I throw right

I can bat both sides and you write left-handed I write left-handed I play guitar left-handed that's the definitive right that's I play drums right-handed I'm a fucking mess

that's also responsible you had the capacity to evolve you've been engaging both sides of your I don't even know is your dexterity one side of your brain I don't even know if that's the case

I love that that diagnosis from your non-medical degree. I'll give that diagnosis over and over and over again. Can I frame it? Can I frame it? Yeah. And this was a positive thing I said about you and you're still, there's still a tone in your voice. No, I'm going through some shit.

I'm pointing right at you. I'm going through some shit, you know? Everybody does. Everybody goes through some fucking shit. You're handling it pretty well, Bill. I know. This conversation has been relatively enjoyable despite any contentiousness. I would call it vaguely hostile on my side.

well you know what thanks for pulling back the curtain do you know when a comic has no point of view my anger has no point of view it's sort of rudderless that's it is easy i lost the engine i ain't got a sale i'm just out here on this fucking lake anger man i'm out here by myself anger is easy that's what that's why i think kind of the problem that nobody addresses you ever said that was a fucking cunt who anger is easy i'm saying it right now well you're a fucking cunt it is easy and i i take away i take my endorsement away from your special look at how easy it is for you to just start hurling sea bombs at me. You know, if you had points, you wouldn't

have to point at me. How about that? You would just say what you had to say. Whoever said that is a fucking cunt. And then put your fucking finger away. You're going to tell me that. What do you mean? I'll fucking point right at you. I'll fucking... Offsides on you. Fucking Two Spider-Man's right here.

Oh my God. Buddy? Listen, dude, it's a silly fucking world. It's what's you're going to do. You're going to envision a better world. That's what you're going to do. That's what you do. Well, why don't you tell the cunt upstairs to start tightening down the fucking bolts and make some human beings? Because that's not my God. My God is integrity, buddy. You can't. Yeah, my God works for the fucking Chrysler Corporation in the early 80s. And he's making,

he's making Dodge K cars with plastic wood paneling. That's what he's fucking making. It's just like, he just makes sociopaths and meatheads. My God brews beer in Wisconsin. my god thinks it my god's all right with everything i've ever done i'm only i'm only guy i'm my only guy i ever met got a got a god drinks beer on tuesday i'm the only guy i met has god's email oh shit man i got direct and he gets back to me that fucking day which which one of god's emails you got the the god like you know the ohio state he's got i'm still on the dot god at hotmail the god at hotmail.com

I'm the only guy I ever met in the text thread with Jesus and Moses I'm the only guy I've met wanted to meet Frank Stallone instead of sly I'm only guy I ever met I'm only guy I ever met

knows all the mother grandmother and granddaughter that slept with Bob Seeger in 1972 I used Bob Seeger as a reference recently and it was fucking perfect and everybody didn't understand it I was trying to explain

what my dad looked like when I was a kid he had long fucking hair and a beard and one day he got a haircut oh I know what this was I went to see Sandler at MSG and he was fucking hilarious and he had this song

about a dad shaving off his beard and it took me back to when I was a kid my dad had long hair down to here just the earlobes peeking out like that time post 60s beetles had already broken up and he had a big bushy beard and he just I guess decided

he was going to go back to his old 1950s look and he came back with fucking a haircut cut above his ears, clean-shaven, and came walking in the house. I had no idea who he was, and he kissed my mom. And I was just like, what in the fuck is going on? Who is this guy? Why is mom cool with that?

And then he started talking, and then I realized who he was. You actually didn't know who your father was. Oh, I do. Oh. I just realized how funny that is. Oh, Billy Blackout. Oh, my dad, it was shaving and get a haircut, and I didn't even recognize it. She's in the house.

He's all the way in the house, not across the street. That is an old school dad. Dad's went to work back then. They left before you woke up, came home, you were scared of him, he went to another room. Who is this? So all it took. Why is mom kissing the refrigerator?

Yeah, I had an old picture of him. Rambling. This is dad. Who's that guy over there? We've got to get your new updated photo bill. carry this around on your wallet um anyways why did we do it i think we did it that was really enjoyable this is what we do we're on the road hold on let me do the let me do my holiday dates i'll be in janesville um i'll be in bozeman montana december 19th i'll be in jamesville

wisconsin december 20th isn't bosman beautiful this that time of year it's i can't wait i can't wait to see it and this awesome place oh last best comedy in bozeman and then i'll be my show in Madison is at the Majestic December 27. Is Lucas Seeley up there? Who? Lucas Seeley? I don't know. I mean, he's the best person I ever met from Montana.

Maybe. I met him in Seattle. And then he booked me for a gig up there. I think the only time I ever had a gig up there and I loved it. I think so. Does he do the Big Sky Comedy Festival? I don't know. I'm not tapped in like that.

It was a while ago that I went up there. I remember most about Montana was I was driving by and some guy in his yard had one of those COE fucking jeepers creepers trucks you know the cab over engine fucking gorgeous like you ever see when guys like redo those things they're so fucking beautiful I don't know where you would drive them just the flat front buses yeah and what they did was because they thought trucks were getting too long they put a limit on the size of the trailer so what they did so they could keep the trailer just as long they basically put the driver on top of the engine right with the fucking windshield instant

fatality oh back in the day instant fatality oh yeah oh yeah that that fucking flying saucer steering wheel touch you in half and then the rest of you goes right through for a 710 split at the local bowling alley do not drive with any topography in this thing right here yeah but they but they weren't those the best looking trucks i love those fucking things just coming down the street i like them for you bill you do yeah i'd fucking i'd drive one of those things Rapids, New Year's Eve. I'll be there the second and third of January as well. And then I'll be in Chicago at the Lincoln Lodge

January 9th. I'll be in Boston, January 31st. Finally booked Boston. Where? Comedy Studio. Get out of here. Yeah, buddy. Is that one Cambridge? Yeah, I think so. Oh! All these years. Somebody has a smart act. I never played Boston. I will be there January 31st.

And I'll be in Milwaukee. I started in Boston. I never played Cambridge. They were like, no, no, no. Other side other side well you can you know get on the fucking they were waiting for you know massive go over the bridge you're over the bridge you get on that side of the river you don't come over here this is the smart side with cambridge in somerville kidding i honestly don't know where it is i've never i've never played boston so boston what's up january 31 put that in your calendar january 31st hopefully my bruns will be all right this year yeah celtics they uh tatum is tatum out for a whole year? Man, I don't know. I feel like

there was like three superstars that popped their Achilles last year and it's just like, dude, what is happening? It kind of cost the Pacers a championship. It kind of did, yeah. And also cheated basketball fans out of an epic game seven had he led them. Yeah, it was still, it looked good for a quarter.

It was good for the Thunder to win. Yeah, yeah, it was good for the Thunder to win. But it sucks, man. That guy's are really good. I mean, he just crushes the bucks, but I still, I mean, you can't miss what a good player he is like he's just he was that guy he did the he did the reggie miller he took out the nix in dramatic fashion that was the easiest money i ever made oh that series or that game and the guy never paid me he ducked my phone calls who you got some money out there from nix fans that just leave

that new york sports fans leave that it's better new york sports fans dude yeah yeah it's better oh i'd believe me dude sweet money he owes me 500 but i've gotten like i've gotten at least 1500 worth of shit talking I went Sean Connery isn't that just like a Knicks fan Oh man Oh yeah Talking because he had beaten the Celtics right

You know fucking after Tatum blows out his fucking Killies so he's giving me all of this shit I go dude all right All right I go you're still going to lose the next round Oh no son and all this fucking son son son son bullshit All right dude I bet you're 500 bucks of the series.

500. Bang. Bang. Oh, that game one killed him. It was, that one was wild. The text thread went like this. And then he just fucking disappeared. Slowed to a halt.

Where did he go? Where did he go? Do you no longer have a cell phone number? New York City is the home of the whack-a-mole fan. When they went in, they pop up, oh, dude, fucking, you see what the Yankees did? and then when they're losing, like the fucking Yankees almost got seasonally swept into August. They couldn't fucking beat the Red Sox or whatever.

They won like fucking, I couldn't hear from anybody. Then they took three out of four from us. And all of a sudden, like bears coming out of hibernation. Hoity tooty. Hoidy and Toidy. Both Hoyty and Tootty. Both Hoyty and Tootty. You know what?

You hate to see it. Yeah. You hate to see it. Yeah, it's tough on them. It's hard underground for a Yankees fan. No, they're not. They're fucking, the sports media blows them. I mean, the level of media coverage on NICS fans every year in the playoffs,

like they're a part of the NBA. Like, like, it's like, it's the fucking Lakers and Celtics are the NBA. And then I would say like the Miami Heat, the Golden State Warriors, like, people have been there. People have done things. The fucking NICs? I like the NICs. It's better when the Knicks are good. So now that the Knicks are finally good, I like it.

I'm not going to lie to you. I like it when Madison Square Garden is in the playoffs. I don't mind coverage. But like the level of fucking coverage. Right. After 30 years of an opportunity. We're watching like some storied franchise return to the summit. It's like they've won twice.

Right. They won in 1970 and 1973. There's like expansion franchises like the Miami Heat who've been in the league for fucking 35 years have like twice as many rings as them i don't understand it but it has to do with the the the size the media side they tried to hook them up they fixed that lottery they gave him patrick ewing and then along came a guy named michael jordan and they said fuck that storyline i mean fuck jordan it was reggie miller reggie miller took him out before just as many times as jordan did no no no that's why it was beautiful patrick ewing was 85 halliburton did was 85 this was before

Miller. No, Reggie Miller beat the Knicks, too. In the 90s. Yeah, yeah. Are you trying to out old guy, old guy shit with me? No, but I thought, I thought, I guess I just didn't hear, I missed what you were saying. Yeah, no, I mean, the Knicks had a couple different skeletons. I love those early Knicks teams.

To me, that was, that's what basketball teams look like. Oakley. And that was one of the toughest teams ever. Oh, my God. Everybody was talks about the fucking Detroit Pistness. The fucking early 90s, if it was a street. fight. Yeah, yeah.

Other than Mahorn, they would have been in trouble. Yeah. Dude, they. Oakley and what was Homeboy's name? John Sally? Not John Sally, I'm sorry. Wrong team. No, no, no, no.

He always had the sick haircuts. What, damn, why am I blamed on his name? I haven't thought. I think he passed away. Begin with a Ness, and now he said John Sally, and I'm not, my old brain, I'm not going to be able to. God damn it. Starks?

Not Starks. No, no, no, the power forward. Who could dribble. Come on. Yeah. Thank you. I have no idea. Sorry. Oh, my God. I'm going to be driving home. Oh, my God. I'm going to be driving home and I'm going to scream like Willis Reed or something. It isn't that. Anthony Mason.

Thank you. Nice job. Condolences. Yeah. Anthony fucking Mason. Yeah. And Charles Oakley. Who they kicked out of the stadium. Didn't they kick him out of the arena? Didn't Dolan have him kicked out of the stadium? Hey, listen, buddy, you know, I don't kick a franchise when they're down. well they're good now they're fine now you can kick them bell

you can kick um no no they're fine they're fine look at it i actually i root for the nicks that's what's funny where because they're not in the rivalry thing you know it's like when charger fans try to come at patriots fan it's my root for the bears it's like i didn't know we had a rivalry right i get it you know what i'm saying it's just like

that's what always surprised me that yankee fans i was always like touched that they took the time to hate us at least until the last like few years but it was just like they owned us like what are you so upset about yeah i get it i get but i like when the nicks are good and i also paul verzi's one of my great friends and i just want to see i know he's going to cry and i have to be there when it happens because he's not going to want to cry in front of me and it's going to be it's going to be an ugly cry it's going to be like his his wedding and he's the bride that is oh man paul i'm talking shoulders shake

Oh, man. Men looking away. That is the level. I got some bear fan buddies that are like that right now. They're there because they, I mean, I don't know if you, have you watched the Bears? Have you watched Kayla Williams playing the NFL? I know that coach is Ben Johnson. And I'm glad he got back on his feet after that Olympic suspension.

They got, they got this quarterback from USC. won the Heisman trophy. And he can throw, he's got armed talent, as they say, Bill. He can make throws that only a couple guys in the league can make that throw. How do USC offensive players? That five yard out to the long side of the field? You know what I always loved about, he's football program? For some reason, for like two decades, they were the only ones that realized that Samoans

were like the most insane line. backers and strong safeties. And they just like, they just had a, I don't know if it was the climate, then it's like, all right, if I have to leave this paradise of an island to go to the fucking home of the cheesecake factory. I'm not going past

the beach. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm not going past the beach. I'll play for San Diego State. That's it. I'll play. Dude, those fucking guys. And I just remember, uh, because I used to, I forget who was, I used to, it was Notre Dame USC. So, you know, being from Boston, you wrote for the Irish team. And I was just be like, why doesn't Notre Dame get some of these fucking

guys these guys are unbelievable some of these apostrophes yeah everybody yeah anyway all right well tagaviloa was junior what did junior he doesn't have an apostrophe say i'll play it well did he played at u.s yeah yes he did yeah i was going to say like Troy palomalo did he play there i don't know if he's Samoan those guys with that that's got to be that's got to be samoa that's got to be palomal Palomalo. You know, I'm old enough to know when I don't know

what the fuck I'm talking about, which might be the name of this entire episode. Not me, buddy. All right, let me tell you something. I'm excited for your new special. I'm excited for people to see it. Thank you for schooling me on your worldview.

I enjoy it. Oh, no, thank you for agreeing with my worldview. Yeah. You agreed. You know what? That's my new move. Every five minute span of disagreements out of you was the cherry on top was an agreement

and I appreciate you for. I'm just going to do that for now. Thank you. You're good at that, though. Doing this. And everybody knows you mean it, and that's why people like you, integrity. I never looked at it that way, man. Thank you.

That's a great worldview. You don't mind. I'm going to leave right now without you getting violent. All right, I'll see you later. That's how I'm ending every conversation. I'm only. And I'm just going to change my accent. I hear you, dude.

I fucking hear you. All right, bro. I'm only guy. Hey, hey, go pets. And then I walk out. That's good. that's good it makes me feel welcome oh geez you know i never looked at it that way i'm going to yelp your podcast my mom's outside she got us some pop ma i'll see you later my hey how do you like your pop

what flavor oh you got to go cherry coke what do you like root beer what you like cream soda what do you oh root beer that lemon lime i can't i can't do i have to be in the midwest and i start to pick it up it's a fun one it's a fun one it is it is yeah you guys have you guys have pleasant cornered. You guys are some of the most pleasant, racist people I've ever met my life. Chicago, January 9th and 10th at the Lincoln Lodge. The Lincoln Lodge. Milwaukee, the next weekend, whatever that is, 16th, 15th, 16th.

The Laverne and Shirley Comedy Hut. The, uh, you're laughing. Fonzarelli fun, funny. Yeah. They got all those statues out there. All right. We're going to just babble and babble and babble some more. All right.

Yeah, check out the special. Like it, share it, comment, subscribe. That's like people got to watch the thing and then you got to let it play the algorithm like that. And we're going to end with, I like your free speech as long as it's stuff I like to hear.

Clean up all that other bullshit, buddy. I don't want any shit out there that I don't like to hear. I'm going to tell you what. I'm going to tell you what. Free speech ain't shit I don't like. Don't you say shit about that guy that said that thing that my wife's

friend told her that she liked. As long as what you say and I can fucking process then it should be on TV. All right, but if it isn't this shit the fuck out of here. If it challenges my worldview or if it insults

the fragile lizard brain ego of my king and lord and savior and fraud. If I can make it about this rather than a real issue? If I could tether our social demand, we're about to find out

how well the federal government actually ran, buddy. That's what I'll say is because we are These people are tethering But they have agreed The fucking The FCC

FECC FEMA The CDC There's no scientists At the CDC Fucking Epstein Island Fucking ABC 911

The moon landing All the seas All the seas Bill The moon landed I don't know why I'm doing a southern accent Because I'm into conspiracy too

I'm into two I'm into two I have I got a lot of them Conspiracy theory right now is that the NFL is done with the chiefs They feel like they've

exhausted it and maybe that they need to, like, they're going to let them chill for a few years before they come back like the Patriots, right? And I think they're testing the waters. Like, I watched a game the other night, and for some reason I was looking at Josh Allen's wedding photos. I don't know.

To me, that seems like a reboot of Sandy Duncan and fucking Tony Gonzalez there. They've moved on. They've moved on, Bill. Yeah, I think, no, but I'm thinking. I mean, he's here. He's the star. No, but I think that the,

amount of eyeballs of uh Travis Travis yeah god damn it Travis how my time got Taylor picked that up Travis Kelsey and his his fiance um the amount of eyeballs that they got they're just like okay let's do that that works you know like comics oh crowdwork post post crowdwork now they're like let's get into these players well wait until Josh Allen's wife advocates for women's health Then that shit's over. Then I got a deal. Well, I mean, that's why people hated Taylor Swift.

That's why they don't, you know. Are they really upset about a pop star in a box for three second of a broadcast? Or are they mad that she advocated for women's health care bill? You tell me, conspiracy. You're the conspiracy theorist. How come she didn't advocate for my health care? Because your health care is right where it needs to be, buddy. I'm guessing you got pretty shiny blue chip insurance.

I can tell you this right now. Should I text Taylor Swift to put Bill Burr on her calendar? I don't even take out my insurance card anymore because they just say no. I just go, what do I owe you? Well, maybe we're on insurance. Like, let's just not do this. I want to get out of here. And you're going to put that in there and, uh, uh, what, that, that, that, my insurance card.

How do I have better insurance than you? That should be, because you fucking, I don't know, you married a doctor. she's not a doctor yet but yeah yeah maybe my insurance car has a picture of a front of a front desk lady going we gotta stop buying your insurance off billboards bill who's in charge of this it's the sag shit and they don't take it anywhere like any place that actually goes where you go where the person knows what the fuck they're doing they'll send you some generic place i've had that sag insurance I'm not going to some Costco dentist. Oh, I got my first cortisone shot with SAG insurance.

Mm. Mm. Bill, we got to go. Oh, we got to go. All right. We got to go. That's it. Thank you guys for watching.

All right. Just fucking, you know, do what you want to do out there. And anything to happen was his fault. It was his fault. He did it. Nate Craig, everybody. We'll see you. Later again.

Burr and it's time for the Monday morning podcast for Monday, September 18th, 2017. What's going on? How are you? How's it going, everybody? How are you? Starting a new week, getting out there, putting your pants on one leg at a time. Joe Sixpack going to work. I got to keep it down. This is the new, more subdued, quieter podcast now that I have a baby daughter. I'm recording this Sunday night And that's all you need to fucking know My fucking, are you hearing that? Am I hearing some sort of weird noise there?

I don't know what I did. My fucking mixer is acting weird. What happens if I push this button? Anything. Oh, there you go. It just goes into one speaker and then the other. One headphone and then the other. How are you?

Did you enjoy your football Sunday? Did you enjoy your sports weekend? Did you follow politics? Did you watch college football? You just stare at the wall, drinking booze, ignoring your loved ones. Well, if you did, I'm jealous. Oh, Billy, no booze. Billy, what, where, oh, tell me, where'd your booze go.

Billy boy, Billy boy, tell me where did your booze go? Charming, Billy. It's sitting over there. And every night I fucking stare, but I can't have a fucking. drop because I got acting work. Yes, I can't have a fucking drop because I got acting work. See, I'm slowly losing my mind. What if I just had one, Billy boy, Billy boy. What if you just had one? Charming Billy. Well, then I drink the whole bottle and I'd fucking puke in the couch and I'd be a fat fuck on camera in HD. I'm down to 176 and change. I haven't been working out

because I was playing catch and fucked up my fucking calf. That's how old I am. So I've just been eating like an angel. You know, after every bite, I count and I chew fucking 27 times on each side of my mouth. And then I take the napkin and I wipe off like a fucking angel. If there is a god, Allah, whatever the fucking peanut butter sandwiches you're into. Remember that? A la peanut butter sandwiches.

I wonder if fucking the counts getting any. death threats from extreme Muslims or maybe he was Muslim. I don't know. They never really said God knows Sesame Street was liberal enough. They probably would have thrown that in back then, right? And then Bob would be fucking singing that song. What is it? Who are the people in your neighborhood? In your neighborhood, in your neighborhood. Oh, who are the people in your neighborhood? The people that you meet. each day oh a fucking puppet vampire that happens to be muslim is in your neighborhood it's too long that's what it was it's too fucking long um having had having had a drop of booze in fucking 32 days 32 fucking goddamn days i'll tell you right now i'm not even gonna lie to you

this was the longest month in the day of the year without a doubt um it's fun in the morning it's not in the evening like right now i just want to get fucking black bastard you know i don't know can't do it though can't do it gradually coming down got to get down to a buck 72 my fighting weight as bob pogo says on f is for family season two are you watching are you liking are you giving it a thumbs up whatever the fucking scoring system is over there at netflix you know i don't know what they're using now i think they said they were going to go a thumbs up thumbs down and i think they stuck with the star system i have no idea i don't pretend to know My whole fucking weekend

It's just been about keeping my fucking leg raised I went to this fucking party on Thursday night With my lovely wife And the fucking host of it was given a big speech And I was stone sober And I had to go over and sit in the corner It was outside in this guy's lawn with like a tent, right? And I'm sitting, I go off in the corner

To sit down stone sober with a fucking I had like club soda and lime The hardest thing for me to order because I can never remember what you say. I can just for some, I can never remember club soda because I never order it. And half the time I go up to the bartender, they'll be like, what can I get you?

I'm like, yeah, what's that thing people drink when they don't drink? And then they go club soda? I go, yes, with a lime. I'm not even trying to be funny. Like a third of the time, that's how I have to order it because I can't remember what it is because I never order it. So I'm on my second club soda and lime. And this guy,

who's hosting the party, fabulous hosts, he's fucking thanking all these people. I had to go outside the tent because I see a stone wall where I can sit down because my fucking ankle is filling up with fluid. And it's becoming twice to size

my other ankle. But, you know, I went to the, you know, I just went into some walk-in clinic and the guy looked at it, I'll tell you what you, I can tell you what you did right now. I can tell you from across the fucking room without even doing an x-ray, you know? Walk-in clinic type shit, you know?

So I go to sit down. the guy's in the middle of this great speech everybody's fucking listening and I don't know how but I set my glass down and I reached back to get something I knocked it off and it made that and it was like a fucking wine glass so it sounded like a booze glass in the middle of his speech and like half the tent fucking looks over at me I spilled it on my leg I did all of this stone sober so my laugh comes walking out she's laughing at me going what did you do and I was all embarrassed going I was going near stop making a scene like I felt bad enough as it was and then she got mad at me because I got like I got you know I got emotional with her so she didn't talk to me for like two fucking days because of that but two fucking days she's not talking to me you know what I mean like if she ever spilled a drink on herself and half a tent of people looked over at her and I walked over and said like what did you do you know mad she'd be at me but that's how it works in the male female dynamic all right you're either wrong or you were too mean when you were right? That's basically how it was. That's what it was.

I think I was guilty of being too mean. So, anyways, I watched a little bit of the Patriots today. I saw the first quarter. I taped the game. I'm going to watch the rest of it. Patriots looked a little bit better today. Obviously, it's early in the season. You know, this is what they always do. They hype up shit because people are winning teams or losing the teams and all this shit that you're not going to see in January. Who gives a fuck, right? It's just getting going. and I actually went to I went to the Stubhubhub Center today and I saw the new Los Angeles Chargers

their first game against the Miami Dolphins I went down there I got to tell you that might be the best stadium I've seen a football game at the NFL level simply because there was only 25,000 people there. I can't believe the Patriots are playing the Chargers on the road If I could see Tom Brady in a 25,000 seat stadium, that'd be fucking incredible. That's like what the old NFL used to look like.

Back before, you know, we outfucked all of those other stadiums. Back before Lady Gaga and fucking Whitney Houston and everybody brought all these other people into the game, all these people who were just like, oh my God, what else happens after the concert? You know, and they started watching football so they had to build 50, 60, 70, 80, 100,000 fucking seat stadiums. 25,000 seats, I got to see two wily veterans, two gunslingers, Philip Rivers, Philip Rivers, against, what's his face there, Jay Cutler? Is it Jay or Jay Cutler? That's right, Jay Cutler, right? Am I going to say his name right? Jay Cutlet, I like it. One guy's a fucking religious freak with 90 kids, the other guys, like, set him up. Set him up. Let's have another drink.

Right? Jay Cutler. There you go. That's right. Jay Cutler. So fucking San Diego had the goddamn game one. Wait, this is showing me a bodybuilder. Is it Jake? This is the age I'm at now. I don't know anybody's fucking name anymore. Jake Cutler, there we go. Where are we?

No, it is Jay Cutler. All right, whatever. This fucking guy, right? He leads his team down the field. They go ahead by three points, and then San Diego comes down the field. Philip Rivers, he doesn't give a shit. You think he's worried about a fucking two-minute offense? This guy's got nine miles to feet.

Can you imagine having nine kids? You just come home to a standing ovation. Everybody's freaking. You have a crowd. You have a fucking crowd of kids. How amazing is that until they all become teenagers. And then there's a 10 to 15-year period where they hated you, you know? You never made sure that I also got steak, dad.

You always sat down the other end of the table. I wanted to sit close. I think he's going to deal with all of that shit, right? It was a great game, fantastic fucking stadium. Yeah, there's not a bad seat in the house. I'm telling you, before they move to some giant monstrosity of a fucking stadium that they're sharing with the Rams, I believe, and it's going to fucking, you know, bankrupt this city.

Before they fucking do that, if you get a chance, definitely go to the stuff up center. It's fucking phenomenal. You know, it's funny as I was sitting there I was watching the game and I see this guy flying over in this helicopter, the Robinson 44 during a fucking game. He looks like he's not even 500 feet off the fucking graph. Flies right over the fucking stadium.

And I, with my limited knowledge of aviation, realized that when there's a big event like that, it's an automatic temporary no fly zone an hour before and an hour and after the game, I believe that what is, if not two hours before and after, right? This fucking jerk off flies right over the

fucking stadium. I'm sitting there with my buddy going, uh, that didn't look like a cop, or you can't, I don't think you can fucking do that. I'm just a novice, but I do not think you can do that. This fucking jerk off comes by again, he's on his side, showing all the passengers down in it, and then like two seconds later, like a police helicopter

comes flying over. I don't know if he got in trouble or what, but I don't know, I know some pilots listen to this shit. Like I said, I don't ever pretend to know anything about that stuff. As far as my limited knowledge, you are not allowed to do that.

God forbid something happens and then you fucking land on 25,000 people watching fucking Jay Cutler, right, with keg booze coming out of his pores going up against the other guy from Ash Wednesday, right? These Kansas City Chiefs for real. So I fucking got a taxi on the way down. And then on the way back I called the car service. And I'm fucking telling this guy. I'm like, meet me at 184 in Avalon.

All right, there's a Kentucky fried chicken right next to a donut place. Can you fucking meet me there, right? So the guy's like, yes, I go down. All right, great, great, right? So we get down there, right? The game ends. I walk out there, 415. He's supposed to pick me up at 4.30.

I call the guy up. He's like a fucking city block away. Everything's going good. Then all of a sudden, the cops are everything. And they're like, Uber and Lyft, 192. Walk down to 192, right? And I'm sitting there going, well, I'm not Uber or Lyft, car service.

I'm like, these guys are going to fuck with me. So I try and call this guy. I call the guy up, and I keep telling the guy. He's going, okay, I'm a block away. I'm a block away. And I'm going, yes, yeah, I forget it. Kentucky, the KFC. I'm going, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no KFC now. No KFC. There's a donut shop right next door. I'm going to walk over, see if you can turn it in there. And he goes, okay, okay, KFC. I'm going, no, listen, I'm walking over. I'm walking over All right, forget it

You can't walk into the donut place I'm going to go down to 192 in Avalon He goes, okay, you're parking lot KFC He just kept saying that Like a prank show And I'm literally getting angry

yelling No, 192 And Avalon Into my phone And like people with kids Are turn around looking at me So I'm trying to put more of a happier tone

In my voice And it's just not working And he just kept going Okay KFC parking lot I come no 192 and Avalon. And then I finally go, dude, just repeat it.

Repeat it. He goes, yes, yes. I go, repeat what I said. He goes, 192 Avalon. I go, fine, fine. And then, like, he calls me back. Okay, I'm pulling into the donut shop.

And I'm going, I finally had to fucking take a picture of 192 in Avalon and send it to the fucking guy. And he showed up, right? And he was the greatest guy ever. Greatest guy ever. And I was like, all right, you know what? Maybe I got a little emotional. Okay, there's 25,000 people walking up and down the goddamn street.

street here. I don't know what to do here. Maybe, you know, I don't know what. But I will tell you when I was at the game, when I was at the game, these people in front of me, I've never seen this before, we're drinking, what's that Mexican beer that begins with an M? Begins with an M, it's fucking gold, right? It looks like, it looks like a trophy. It looks delicious, especially after 32 days and not booze. And so these people in front of me are drinking this shit in out of a can, and they had this shit on top. I'm like, what the fuck is that? Is it crushed red pepper flakes?

What is? And this guy next to me goes, it's chili powder. They put chili powder around the top. He goes, I don't like it. I'm like, is that like white people putting a lime in a fucking corona? He goes, yeah, it's something like that. He goes, you know, I don't really like it. I was like, well, I got to try that.

I mean, not right now. But eventually I'm going to try that. It looked like the shit that you put. Put on, you know, the warning tracks of these new baseball stadiums that's sort of sanded, sort of rubber. That's what it looked like from fucking far away. So that guy proceeds to get absolutely plastered. And after three fucking quarters, he comes back up and yells to the crowd that they stop serving beer at the start of the fourth quarter. And he's yelling about how dumb it is.

And that's one of those moments where it's good that I also wasn't drunk because I would have been like, buddy you're the reason you're the fucking reason they do that because you can't hold your alcohol look at you you're a fucking mess so i actually went to this game and this is like a record for me i didn't have any booze and i didn't eat any of the shit food i had like two handfuls of fucking peanuts and drank like three waters that's it because i can't be a fat fuck on this thing you know so um i fucking go downstairs to take a piss right and there's this fucking guy just yelling at the police and there's like two cops there and then there's three and then there's

five and I'm walking by I go down I take a piss and I come back and there is like half the police forces standing there and there is this white dude screaming at all of these cops screaming you got to do something go up there and do something another white guy's

yelling dude it was like total white guy moment yelling at fucking 20 cops he's not getting the shit kicked out of him and they actually listened to him they went up they kicked two guys out and the other guys were like really fucking like all right they just sort of left i don't know what they did i don't know what the fuck they did it was the weirdest thing was the two guys screaming looking like the ones that were going to get fucking arrested um like we're demanding that these

cops go up and do something and then they finally fucking did and they threw these guys out it's a really bizarre day but once again a phenomenal fucking uh sports experience if you go there so I apologize. A lot of this shit is going to be all sports stuff. That's kind of what I did this weekend. I kind of hung out with my daughter and I just watched a bunch of sports. And did anybody put on the NFL network and watched Dan Marino a football life? It was fucking amazing.

But, like, you can't do the Dan Marino story in fucking 30 minutes. That should have been an hour and a half long, at least. And as much as he, I feel like he finally got his fucking due. As you're watching Troy Aikman, Peyton Manning, Brett Farf, all of them saying, this was the guy, this was the fucking guy. Them finally putting to bed this whole thing that, you know, that because he didn't win a Super Bowl, like that's some sort of like black markup against the guy's fucking name. The guy, he was so ahead of his time. He was such an unbelievable fucking quarterback. It took 25 years, a quarter of a century and a massive change in the rules of past.

passing, and how you could defend against the past for people to start fucking with what this guy did from 1983 on. He was unbelievable. You know what kills me? His dad taught him how to throw. The arm comes up, ball comes out. And I can't even tell you how many times as a Patriots fan we played him twice a fucking year. I thought Andre Tip had had him. His arm would, the football would still be at his waist, and Andre was bringing his fucking arm down to get him.

And somehow his arm would come up and be out. 40-yard fucking laser. Oh, my God, he used to kill us. He used to kill. For all you young dolphin fans out there that fucking hate Tom Brady, you know, because he's been beating your ass two games a year for like almost his whole career, just about. That's payback for Dan Marino.

I'm telling you, Dan Marino today, in his prime, would easily throw for over 6,000 yards, easily. And if you could actually win without having a running game, which you can nowadays, the way the fucking game has changed, he would have at least one Super Bowl ring. Okay, I'm telling you. One of my favorites of fucking all time, and I'm glad they finally did the football life. And I think it was at least an hour too short. All right, there you go. I've said my piece. That's coming from a Patriots fan, too.

And when he played, I fucking hated him because he killed us. I didn't really hate him, but you know what I mean. I wasn't pleased with him All right Let me do a little bit of the Something has to break up This sports talk guys I gotta do the fucking

I gotta do the reads here Hey here's a new category I wanted to start And I should really fucking know this guy's name I want to start a new thing to write in Okay so this podcast doesn't get any more stale than it already is Is your favorite performances

By non-stars in movies Where you and your friends still quoted. It's an unknown fucking actor and you may never even saw him again, never even seen the person again. So me, I'm going to kick it off. I don't even know this actor's names.

Let me look this up. He was in Resovoire dogs cop buddy. Let's see if I could find the name of this guy. I don't know what this fucking guy's name is. I got to give him a shout out. You know, I'm going to hit pause because I want to give

this guy's shout-up. Okay. Unknown, unheralded actor. As far as I know. Rich Turner in Reservoir Dogs. It's one of my favorite fucking just one-scene actors. I don't know. I don't watch a ton of movies,

but I fucking love this guy. He plays the cop in the bathroom when, what's his face? Tim Roth is sitting there with all the drugs and he comes out and there's a dog dog sniffing the drug sniffing dog drug sniffing dog um see he was in pulp fiction too meaning also yeah he wasn't in a lot of movies but he plays my the way he's being the cop and he's telling that story just the way he like the line i said buddy i'm going to shoot you in

the face if you don't put your fucking hands on that dashboard that's just the way it's written and the way he did it he goes i said buddy I am going to shoot you in the face If you don't put your fucking hands in that dashboard Just the way he said it I don't know why That sounds exactly like a fucking cop to me So that was like something just me

My friends we would be fucking hammered Striking out with chicks And you just be walking out to your car And one of you invariably would just go Buddy I am going to shoot you in the face And everyone would just start laughing You don't put your fucking hands in that dashboard

Who are your favorites who are your favorites they just had that one thing your fucking friends you still quoted man i just knew a bunch of those there's obviously a zillion guys there's a zillion lines and fucking in uh in uh goodfellas by the way uh rest in peace frank vincent

the first big guy to go from goodfellas man i mean what what an absolute legend what an absolute legend He was as amazing as an actor as his hair was. What a head of hair that guy had. Good Lord. Jesus Christ, what a head of hair that guy had.

His whole friggin' life. That's what you say when you're bald. You fucking see that on people. Look at that guy. I don't know if I ever had that hair. Some people, you know, some people, they just fucking, I don't know what jeans that guy has. That guy, he must have had a Roman. emperor or something in his fucking family tree.

Credible actor and so goddamn funny. Comedic timing was incredible. I even love that commercial he did. I think his only line was, oh, that guy was like stalking up to freezing and he and his buddy just kept going, oh, oh, definitely going to miss him. And that was definitely somebody on my bucket list. you know, I get in a movie. I have like fucking two, three lines, but that was definitely

a bucket list to ever be able to do a scene with him. And what was so cool, Michael Rappaport, quite possibly the funniest guy in social media right now with his fucking videos. I was so goddamn funny. He actually posted a picture on his Twitter account. You should check it

out. I think it's I am at I Am Rappaport, and it's him working with Frank Vincent in the early 90s. It was like really early on, and he got a picture of him shining Frank Vincent's shoes. And he said, at one time, Frank Vincent made me go home and get my shine box. And what I love was a lot of people now can look back on it as a classic, and everybody's quoted it a zillion times. But Rappaport already knew, go home and get your fucking shine box.

He was on that shit early, fucking early 90s. They've barely done editing it. He already knew that that was an instant fucking classic. I've got to get him back on the podcast again. He has so many amazing stories. Anyways, let's get back. Let me finish this fog. I had to break up the podcast reading.

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What did you think I was going to talk about how Mississippi State fucking trounce my LSU Tigers? You know, another one of my favorite teams, SMU, giving away 56 pounds per player in the fucking offensive and defensive line against Tacey U. Come on, Frogs. How SMU was whipping that fucking horn-toned ass for fucking the first half before they wore them down. They just leaned on them. Do you think I was going to congratulate the Cleveland Indians in an unprecedented

22 in a row? Is that what you thought I was going to do? You think I was going to do all of that? And I wasn't going to talk about that Formula One race down in fucking Singapore. That race made me sick. It's one of my favorite races of the year It's at night It's in Singapore

It's one of the most beautiful amazing Slash kind of freak me out cities I've ever been to in my life Slash countries It really is one of the most beautiful Like amazing fucking city Where you just feel like You're overbearing parents

Are home all the time It was fucking rain It was night It was raining out Okay The Ferraris were running great Daniel Riccarta was running great Mercedes wasn't doing that well

You know I don't know if Hamilton had a fucking I thought it was all tied up Maybe he was up by three points I can't remember But Ferrari needed to show up On this fucking day All right

And if you watched When they were doing the time trials On Saturday And you saw what it was like Trying to drive behind somebody Doing 150, 60, 70, 80 fucking miles an hour With that fucking

Rooster tail of water coming up I mean It was going to be an unbelievable fucking race God knows whoever's in fucking first place And then first turn is going to win the goddamn race All right So Sebastian Vettel

The Ferraris They get first and third All right What Daniel Riccardo The Red Bull is in second fucking place I believe that's the way it was right Fucking Mercedes are back And fourth and fifth

So the goddamn race starts All Ferrari has to do all he's got to do is just make it to the first turn in first fucking place unscathed he's going to win this fucking race okay worst case scenario hamilton gets fucking second place that's only 18 points fetal's going to get 25 he'll pick up fucking you know whatever what is that seven points the fucking race starts Kimmy Reagan and he acted like fucking Greg Brady when when he when the pressure was on to beat him got to beat marcia got to get close to the quarter of an inch he fucking stomps on the gas

tries to go around Oh, I'm sorry, it was Max Verstappen, not Daniel Rukar. Tries to go around the guy. Their fucking tires get all fucking in a lock there and they fucking go up and over. He fucking

fucks up his car. Slams the fucking Red Bull car into his teammate. The other Ferrari. Vettel makes it to the first turn unscathed meanwhile fucking not unscathed but he makes it there but cars fucked up it got hit in the back meanwhile fucking louis fucking hamilton he drives right

around the shit right as he's sneaking by fuckhead comes back in with this fucked up car Greg brady right smashes in to the fucking redbold guy again and who does he hit he hits the fucking alfonso in the fucking orange car trying to do the exact same thing as louis hamilton but Louis Hamilton's the Derek Jeter fucking Star Child just blessed. 3,000 hit. You hit a fucking Grand Slam. One of these guys. And fucking Vettel drives like, you know, two more turns and the whole front of his car comes off.

Both Ferraris out of the fucking race. They were in first and third place or first and fourth. I can't, I don't remember. They had him. They had him and they let him off the hook. They were both out of the race before it even fucking started. And all I could think is what my dad used to always say When somebody would do something like that

You'd be out of Christ, this guy You could fuck up a free lunch That's the first expression that popped in my head I think I tweeted it, I was so fucking pissed Ferrari could fuck up a free lunch I mean that was a free lunch No one could drive fast that day Mercedes weren't running well the whole fucking weekend

So what do you do? You take out yourself and your fucking teammate You clear out the whole fucking front row for fucking Louis Hamilton who just drives along unscate That guy, Louis Hamilton is a blessed man That's one of those deals He's one of those guys makes you believe in a higher power

Like this just somebody that just fucking loves it I mean I'm taking away all the preparation the man does But You know He cuts around the outside No problem Alfonso goes through the same thing His fucking day's over

Unbelievable and then the rest of the race They're riding around the fucking rain and Hamilton fucking wins no problem unfucking believable I wanted to see a race I knew that Hamilton

was going to try to he wasn't going to be happy sitting in you know all the way back there right who would be right I wanted to see what the fuck he was going to do

with his car not doing that well in all of that rain would he actually crash I mean you know he's going to push it to the fucking limit all of that was out the second it started

like remember that year the Jets was supposed to be good in like fucking 99. In like the first game, Vinnie Tester Verdi goes back and blows out his Achilles. And then Kishon was crying after the game. That was the original. That's my quarterback. That was the original.

That's what it was like. I still watched the fucking race. It was still fucking. It was still exciting. But Jesus Christ. Anyways. And then I also, I watched the boxing. That's all I did this weekend is I just fucking watched.

I'm writing an episode of F is for Family, so I just stayed in the whole fucking weekend. When I wasn't writing, I was just watching sports. And I'm not a big boxing guy just because I've gotten fucked over so many times in the pay-per-views. So forgive me if I fuck up the pronunciation. Is it, Golovkin versus Canello? And that took me back. That's what pay-per-view boxing used to be.

I'm not saying he didn't get fucked every once in a while back then, but it was just, dude, it was fucking forehead to forehead. It was a war. Feeling each other out, respecting each other and all that shit. And then the usual bullshit happened. You know,

how that fucking lady saw it 118 to 110. I mean, I, Jesus, I don't know shit about boxing and I was like, what the fuck. And I loved how Roy Jones in the fucking end goes like, he goes, I love that it was a draw. You know, because that means we get to see this again. And next time, there's definitely going to be a decision.

And I felt like he was, like, they were like, Roy, don't bring this up. This is the Illuminati script of boxing. Please don't bring this shit up. This whole fucking thing is that it was going to be a draw. If we had any way to make this thing be a fucking draw so we could do it again. But it was great. It was a great fucking fight. I thought Golovkin clearly won the fight.

I just thought he was backing him up the whole fucking time And I know Cannell had some big shots towards the end But he, Golovkin just fucking walk He ate him all up He ate him up And he would back off for a second You just come back and then he would fucking give him You know, if he took two

He'd come back and give him two I just thought You know, I don't know I agreed with that that fucking guy who screams all the time I'm talking right now I got to fight Nine rounds and fucking move That guy's always screaming Do they have him in the crowd so he can't hear himself?

Does he not have headsets on? I love that he yells every fucking time. I don't know. I thoroughly enjoyed it. The decision obviously stunk, but I did not feel that I got fucked on my money. I feel like the fighters got fucked. And I retweeted this rant that Teddy Atlas went on. And it was, you know, somebody has to say.

I just don't understand how it's still that corrupt. It's just they've never, like, it was weird. like Vegas was totally corrupt and totally mobbed up. And then they cleaned it up by putting those corporations in there who then fucked you on everything, including the steak. Why can't they clean up boxing? Can they get the mob out of there so that the corporations can come over on the legal side of stealing and fuck people more than they ever have?

Maybe they have. I have no idea. I don't understand it. But Teddy Atlas said, I'm going to butcher how he said it. He said those guys went in the ring and came out less of who they were, meaning that you do permanent damage to yourself. I mean, when they were breaking down the power shots and all of that type of shit, it's like I was watching Rogan's recap of it with Jim Norton.

And Rogan read some stats where this guy, He took, okay, you know, here's the blue, his head. He took 118 punches to the fucking head. I haven't taken 118 punches to the head in my life. My older brother used to beat the shit out of me all the time, but we knew. You kept it to the body. That's why your father wouldn't see it when you came home. So, but other than that, I mean, it was, it was great.

It was everything that I knew that Mayweather and McGregor wasn't going to be. and that's why I didn't rent it, and that's why I spent my money on that. I still got fucked. But is Tommy Morrison still alive? Okay, I have to hit pause on this because I got to watch this shit. He's a relative of fucking John Wayne in case you didn't know. Sorry, he's a boxer back in the day.

All right. I got to read some of the shit here for this week. I can't see anything here. I'm doing this in my fucking living room. We bought these things when we, yet another thing I had a fix on this house. They had these fucking awful lights on the wall. So we bought these sconces,

these really fancy fucking things. And the fancy thing in front of the light is so goddamn thick that it always seems like it's on a dimmer. I probably should have just bought a higher what bulb? I don't know. This has got to be one of those moments where you're like, why the fuck am I listening to this guy? He's talking about the fucking light bulbs in his living room.

I'm sorry. All right, DNA testing at Ravens game. Oh, boy. Dear Bill, I love the podcast. Love your stand-up. I love FIS for family. Thank you. I have to start promoting that at my stand-up shows, too,

because I feel like a lot of people still don't know the show's on. So if you get a chance, if you give the show, tell your friends about it and everything, just so we can continue doing the show. It would be awesome. He said, I wanted to hear your opinion on this very weird giveaway at Sunday's Ravens game. I'm a season ticket holder for the Ravens,

and it's not unusual to get little freebies when you enter the stadium, commemorative coins, beer coozy, flags, etc. Sunday is the home opener, and some company is giving away free DNA tests. So I guess this happened yesterday. Free DNA test. What are you trying to do?

Figure out if you're a fucking human being. And it's not even some ancestry.com type shit that could give you some semi-useful information. You're not getting any useful information from Ancestry.com. They're doing what this company's doing. I don't know what they're doing, but they're not trying to help you out. Do you really need to know how much Scottish blood you have in you? Do you really need...

So what? You can do what? Go on and feel justified buying a fucking kilt. You're not Scottish. You're a mutt. The article I linked says they're testing for four genes. The test offers insight into your mind, body, and health is what they claim. It seems like this company just wants a bunch of data and they figured that an NFL game is a great way to get 70,000 mouth-breathed and fucking morons.

That part was me. 70,000 people's DNA all at once. The company is also partnered with the 49ers, so testing might come to San Francisco soon. What are your thoughts? Keep up the good work and go fuck yourself. I think I know exactly what this is. in the future people's DNA is going to be it's just starting to become a revenue source the way your phone number and all of this other shit that they get from you at CVS and all

these fucking places it was another revenue stream where you were buying shaving cream tampons whatever the fuck you were doing and then they would get personal information from you that then they could then sell to other fucking companies um i think it is now that they've exhausted all of that. They've now moving on to fingerprints, face recognition, and DNA. And they're going to share this with everybody. And I know the robots are coming. I don't know where this all lands. I know that there's talks in the future that human beings could be meshed with robots. If I had to guess, they're probably going to get to the point where with your DNA, they can grow another you and say, well, that's not really you. The real you,

is going to the Ravens game. So we're going to do all kinds of Nazi doctors, Nazi doctor-esque type experiments on this with the fucking robot before we released this to the public. That's where I think it's going. All right. And, you know, I don't want my twin adult brother coming into this world at 51 years of age because I figure another two years they'll probably start doing it.

and getting a fucking, you know, bionic arm put on as he's screaming in fucking pain because God knows they're not going to use fucking anesthetic because that, that fucking DNA version you will be the property of a corporation and will have no rights to fucking anesthetic. Why don't I write sci-fi? You know, I did the whole fucking thing

about how you had to take a test And if you flunk the test on the population control, you just walk into the ocean. And now there's a movie coming out about that. I don't know. Maybe I'm just not original. Maybe I should start writing these fucking things. That sounds like a cool fucking movie, right? You have to go save yourself.

You know, Hollywood would do some fucking creepy, happy ending where you're just staring there at yourself, touching each other's face and everybody's fucking crying. I don't know. You throw Will Smith in there. Somehow it's a winner. All right. Winy fan complaining. All right. Howdy, Bill.

I'm a four-year podcast listener, and I saw you live in San Antonio early this year. I think you're hilarious guy, and obviously it's your podcast, and I should go fuck myself, but I think your Trump positions are kind of unfair. Oh, God, not another political fucking person. He did call himself off of being... I think your Trump positions are kind of... unfair well then you think my Hillary ones are fair all right god bless you um i know you're just a comedian i know you have a lot of fans in the quote real america oh there's the left talking down to

the right okay and so you have to tow a line isn't this is the classic i really hope the person wrote this is listening sir you're and you are inventing all of this in your head because you're upset about something politically. Okay? Are you mad at what I'm talking about about Trump? Is that what this is? You feel I have to tow some sort of fucking, what, liberal line because I'm out here in Hollywood? But Trump is, to my mind, obviously a dangerous guy.

I won't go through my whole list of grievances, but he thinks climate change is a Chinese hoax. supports white supremacists and just this week through the lives of 800,000 8,000, wait a good, make sure you didn't use any comments. 8 million people who were brought here as children into disarray. I know every president has skeletons,

but even a liberal like me, oh, this Hillary person, can see this guy is nothing like W or George H. Dude, when did I say I like this? guy. I never did. I never said that I liked the guy. I just said people freaking out about them and losing their fucking shit. I should have been more specific, like fucking white people, acting like the needle in your life was going to change that fucking far. All right? By the way, you know, if you really want to see a bunch of skeletons, both of these people, I mean,

this election was essentially 2 a.m. at a bar. I mean, you had to go home with somebody, right? probably shouldn't have um listen this fucking guy thinks climate change is a hoax fine all right Hillary was all for bailing out these fucking banks in 2008 which is exactly what the fuck happened and all these people who stayed in florida riding out the fucking storm and everybody's making fun of them and saying how dumb they are for staying there they're probably upside down in their house and unlike the bankers don't have another house that they can go to yeah evacuate the area and do what? Go with half of the Florida and sit in a fucking

waffle house in Georgia and then what? I don't have enough gas money to get back. I love the complete lack of sympathy for people that completely fucked in 2008. Which Hillary was totally all about. She was also all about

fucking ignoring the wishes of the people on the left who voted more for fucking Bernie Sanders according to this trial and colluded with the Democratic party to ignore those votes and box Bernie Sanders out and she just took the nomination

and now all of a sudden she's got the fucking balls to sit here and talk about the electoral college okay she's not a good person either and I'm not saying W was I told you I was done I'm not saying W I mean sorry Donald Trump I said I was done with Donald Trump when he said

that both sides contributed to the violence that he couldn't even get himself to say that those Nazis might be a little out of their fucking minds the neo-Nazis. I told you I was done with the guy. Okay, but you hate the guy so much. You're hearing what you want to hear.

All right? Maybe I don't trash Trump enough on this podcast, but I don't feel that I need to. Everybody, at least in my profession, has a bit on how fucking stupid the guy is. Really, a dry mouth talking about this shit. So I don't, and for you to sit there, you fucking cunt, after four years of listening my podcast,

acting like I tow some sort of line. Did you ever listen to my fucking advertising? I lose advertisers all the fucking time. Okay, if I was towing some sort of line, I would read those things like I was on fucking Lawrence Welk hyphen geritol. I don't. Okay? I tow a line as far as I say what the fuck I think is funny.

That's the line that I am towing here, sir. I'm sorry the guy that you wanted to fucking win, didn't fucking win. I know Trump's out of his fucking mind, and I don't need you wagging your fucking finger at me and give me a goddamn fucking lecture. is if I don't understand that this guy's fucked up. Okay? So why don't you look at your own up, your own fucking skirt?

It'd be a little more even-handed. All you fucking guys, I mean, I guess you got to whine about Trump because he's actually the fucking president of Jesus Christ. The fucking pass. I don't know what the fuck it is that Hillary gets is unbelievable. P.S. Hillary sucks. That's all I get on this side. You know, he said, look, man, I just think that.

despite what you're saying about being a comedian, you do have a platform. Fuck you, buddy. Fuck you. You're not putting that on me. All right? I can tell you this right now, dude. If you get your political information from a fucking stand-up comedian who can't even read out loud, you use this thing to decide who the leader of the, quote, free world is going to be.

I can't help you. What am I supposed to do? You know what I would say to you? Send your fucking DNA into the Ravens. Anyways, you do have a platform, and while I'd never dare to tell you what to say, I hope you will consider what happens when you play down the danger of his behaviors. Let me ask you this, sir, what exactly would be happening now if the other fucking bought and paid for a fucking twat went in there? What do you think would happen?

What do you think would happen? Huh? Do you honestly, while she admits that global warming is real, what do you think would happen? do you think she's going to do anything the most she could be in there for is eight fuck they just weighed them out Al Gore in 1992 said that there has to be a car that gets at least 100 miles a gallon by the fucking year 2000 something like that and just kept delaying the project and delaying it and delaying it and delaying it and then they were out of office and

it just fucking went away there you go so I don't know what to tell you. I have to tell you, buddy, I always vote outside of the Democratic and the Republican Party. Okay? Unless I find somebody within them, like a Bernie Sanders, who I feel will actually hopefully make more people within those bought and paid for fucking groups. I don't know. Take a stand for fucking regular people. I mean, that's what I do.

Okay. I don't like Trump. The guy makes me sick to my stomach. I think he's, I absolutely think the guy's fucking racist. but I also think Hillary is the fucking devil and in a lot of ways we sidestepped a bunch of other shit okay we walked into a bunch of other shit with Trump

but you definitely sidestepped up come on man everybody anybody with any remote sense of intelligence knows that you know that was the fucking blue bonnet bull all right that wasn't the fucking that wasn't Alabama versus fucking Clemson

or shit that was you know that was the holiday bull election All right, actual money based, but I'm, you know, I don't know. I don't know why you needed to send me that, dude. You honestly think that I want to see fucking kids get sent out of this country? I don't. I don't, okay? So stop turning me.

You know what it is? Do you know why this country's fucked up? There's a guy who can't read out loud that does a podcast twice a week. And I'm telling you, that is, if we could just get him to politically say what we feel, I think we could turn this country around. We're taking callers. I said, buddy, actual money based on gold. Hey, Billy Gold Bullocks.

That'd be great. I have some gold bullocks in that fucking diamond-encrusted pouch. I was listening to Rogan's podcast recently, and he had a guy called Peter Shift on, and he was talking about goldmoney.com. This is basically a private gold. reserve where you can buy gold which is held in a secure vault oh is it listen you give us our money and we'll have we'll hold your gold great so they keep my cash and the gold do i got to send

him a donkey to and using a prepaid master card you can pay for goods and services with your money backed by gold or platinum if you'd rather buy that uh i would do that immediately or when the dollar crashes. Effectively what the banks used to do before they sold the foundations of our currency. Here is, here in the UK, Gordon Brown sold all the diamonds that backed Sterling when the bank shit the bed.

I don't know what any of that means. Here in the UK, Gordon Brown. Who's Gordon Brown? Or is that a bank? Like fucking J.P. Morgan sold all the diamonds that backed Sterling when the bank shit the bed. Oh, okay. So you got your money back? Is that what you're saying?

I just this minute signed up. This sounds like a commercial. And I'll be putting some money into it, although not all my money, as it's always best to diversify when you stash your saving. I think it is much better than Bitcoin as it's actually based on something of value. I love you and go fuck yourself. Sir, why don't you just take your money and go buy a gold coin? Why don't you just do that? Why don't you take your paper and go buy some gold?

and leave with the gold, rather than giving your money to this fucking person you're not going to meet, and he tells you that he has, how do you know there's gold there? He's basically doing what they're doing with Fort Knox, where they say there's all this gold in there, and then there's rumors that it's fucking empty. I like the direction you're going in,

but I think you went out of the frying pan into the fire with that one. Grant, I don't want to shit on whatever that guy's doing because I got your abridged version of it, but that reminded me of that movie, blow where Johnny Depp's character gives him $2 million in cash and they give him a book that says $2 million on it. Then he goes to jail. He never gets his

fucking money. All right, my girlfriend's daughter is causing us to break up. Is that a bad thing? Jesus Christ, I mean, you're already dating somebody that already has a kid, so that's going to be already a hundred times harder to make that fucking work, and then the kid doesn't even like you. So, I mean, maybe she's doing

you a solid here. Hey, Bill. Okay, here we go. So my girl and I of seven years both work for the same company and I was offered a better position in Florida and she was also offered a position as well. Now here's where the daughter comes in and fucks up the flow. Yeah, because she fucking probably wants to stay at her school. Her daughter's 14 is just starting high school and is refusing to move and her mother is going along with not forcing her to move and is going to pass her position. We agreed I will not move down and get things in order until she... Wait, we agreed, I will move down and get things in order until she gets there in four years. Now, for the past few weeks, we've been getting into more fights and her reasoning for the fight is sit down for this one, Bill. She says it's easier for me to leave when she's mad. She's fighting you because it's easier for you to leave when she's mad. I think that's the dumbest fucking reason I've ever heard.

also she keeps saying I'm going to go down and find myself some black ass and end up cheating on her while I'm there would love to get your take on this situation and get your insight on what I should do. Thanks and pick up a

fucking drink you pussy fuck I would say I'd say there's a staggering lack of trust I think the key here is to not get into an argument with her is to just sit down and try and discuss it with her and just say, listen, we agreed that this is what I was going to do.

And now, what it is, I know, I think this is what happened. What she did was, is she did what was best for her daughter. And she put herself with you in second. But she still sounds like cares about you. And the fact that you're down there, she's worried that you're going to leave. And she misses you. I think that that's what's happening. So I would just ask her, is this some, like, misdirected anger where you're actually just saying that you miss me and you love me?

Is that what you're saying? We could work through this. And then if you're really not going to fuck around with her and you're really going to see it through, then you ought to be able to just say, listen, I'll do whatever it takes. I'm going to be there in four years. If you're not lying, I think you ought to be able to work your way through it. And I think this has less to do with the daughter than it has to. to do with the fact that she just misses you. And she's afraid that you're going to find somebody else down there.

Evidently, wherever you moved, where there's a bunch of black ass down there. That's what I would guess. So you guys need to get on the same page. And you need to have an honest moment with yourself before you fucking slowly tear the Band-Aid off. Either get the fuck out of it or totally commit to her. I mean, seven years at this point,

why ain't you dropping a fucking ring on her? that ought to shut her up for a good couple of weekends. It won't shut her up permanently. I can tell you that right now. Oh, I can tell you some stories. Oh, can I tell you some? Oh, sit right back in here, a tale of a married guy who jumps through all the fucking hoops and still gets the evil lie. All right.

My wife is a hoo-uh. Dear Billy Butter Tits. you, I'm losing weight. My wife, my wife, decided to have an affair four months ago. Oh boy. Before I knew what was going on, she told me she didn't know if she wanted to be married to me anymore and that it was because I was too controlling. And by controlling, she means, I told her as a stay-at-home mom, I had expectations. I expected her to keep the house clean and take care of our children as we agreed when she quit her job. Yeah, I mean, which is a totally fair ask, you know, but nowadays in this world of hyper fucking feminism, not all feminists are bad, but the fucking the, the God is great fucking crazy

ones there. Yeah, they would say that that was sexist that, you know, well, why don't you work all fucking day and then come home and also have the house clean? You know what I mean? I mean, look, if you've got a bunch of kids, it can only be so fucking clean. But the least you could do is order a pizza, right? Anyways, I would come home to her friends being at the house and her drinking all afternoon. Well, Jesus Christ, she's not even making an effort. This is what happens when you draft in the first round, buddy. You know, you get those second rounders.

They got something to fucking prove, you know? That's what happens when you marry a tent. I'm assuming she's good looking if you're putting up with this shit. I would get home from work after being gone 15 hours and have to say, something about how I felt that the house was a wreck, and there was no dinner in sight. It never seemed to matter. Back in January, we moved to Denver from Atlanta, thinking everything would be better. And she met this 25-year-old guy who she proceeded to sneak around behind my back with and bring our children around.

No way. I'm 38, and she's 35. We have two children, and we've been married for almost 12 years. Yeah, dude. Yeah, this is a wrap. Yeah. Now she wants a divorce and plans to move this kid into our home with our children. Oh my God, dude.

This is the worst person ever. I am beside myself with the thought of the divorce and this punk kid living with my children. Oh, my God. I know it won't last, but the fact is I don't want my children to be around this piece of shit, let alone living in my house. She thinks this is perfectly okay to put the kids and I through this. I do love her and would do anything to save our marriage. But the truth is she is delusional at this point, and I guess I am too. What do I do to stop this?

I know this is not my fault because I busted my ass to build the life she always dreamed of, only for her to think she can kick me out of it. Any advice and or the lovely Nia you could give would be greatly appreciated. Thanks and go fuck yourself. Yeah, man. I mean, this is the things, this is what can happen to a guy. but you're not allowed to talk about this on television, are you? Never, never, never.

You can talk about guys being overbearing, domestic violence, all those things that should be brought to light, but they will not talk about this. You watch Dr. Phil talk about this, and you watch him blame the guy. So she's saying the reason that she sucked his cock was because you weren't paying enough attention to her. you need to try to pay attention more to her

while she's sucking his dick what do I do to stop this? I don't know at this point I would be thinking about my kids and how I could make this as look through this. This is what the fuck she wants to do this is what the fuck she wants to do how you make this as easy a fucking transition your fucking divorce uh i can tell you this i know you called her a whore here

don't ever say that to your kids because at the end of the day it's still their mother and you got a fucking you know you got to look the other way um i don't know dude this is this is outside my fucking realm I can tell you this dude you're fucking 38 years old you sound like a great fucking guy I would just whatever you got to do for your kids I would do that

her is a fucking lost cause all right and I would yeah I would do that and I would start P90X and go out and get yourself a fucking beautiful goodhearted fucking woman I would maybe even if you have time

I would go to therapy and figure out how the fuck you ended up Unless she's just a total psycho So you don't go out and fucking marry that again Figure that out What the fuck I'm trying to marry you off already Jesus Christ you're just getting out of something I don't know dude this my head spinning over this one

Because I'm putting myself in your shoes I don't know what the fuck I would do Oh man that's a rough one Some other fucking guy going in telling your kids to pipe down. I mean, Jesus fucking Christ. Yeah, I would, I would talk to somebody about this way beyond my fucking educational level. That's what I would do.

I hope you get through this thing. And what a fucking mistake she's making. I can tell you that. But the way you described it, granted, I only get your side of it. She does not sound like the prior person that even when she does fuck it up, she'll admit it. She'll probably still put it on you, and, uh, but you know what? It'll all come out in the wash and your kids are going to know that you're a fucking good guy. So, whoa, geez, can we, can we end on that?

I don't know. I don't think so. Hang on a second. Nia. Okay, my fault. I thought she could come on. She can't. She's got to do Mommy duty.

I got to have it back on more, man. I miss having her on here. Anyways, that's the podcast for this week. How about those dolphins? One and O, top of the AFC East. You know, Patriots, one and one in second place. It's still early. Kansas City looking fucking tough.

What else? Cowboys defense is in shambles. Brett Ernst called me or texted me all fucking concerned about that. But it's still early. It's still fucking early. We'll see what's going on. My beautiful daughter is crying downstairs, so I'm going to go handle that shit. And literally and figuratively, God knows.

That's it. I'll check in on you on Thursday. Enjoy the Monday night football game tonight. And once again, congratulations to the Cleveland Indians, 22 in a row. I obviously never saw that ever. That's fucking incredible. That's almost one in a month's worth of games. Yeah, Bill, there's 30 days in a month, and they almost play every day.

Yeah, thank you, Bill. All right, go fuck yourself. I'll talk to you on Thursday. What's up, everybody, and welcome back to the Anything Better podcast for NFL week number three. Everybody's hurt, guys, and the season is flipped upside down. I'm your host, Paul Verzi over here. You got Bill Burr over there. We have the injury report, as always, with Jake the Snake and the Greek freak, Andrew Themless, in Beverly Hills.

Dude, Joe Burrow, I just got to talk about this Because every year I pick a team to really make noise I'm saying Joe Burrow and the Bengals are going to go toe to toe to With the Ravens and the Bills And poor Joe Burrow is out, Bill, not for a week or two, months, months What happened? Jake, Jake, what happened to him? Isn't the story? Isn't the story?

I know there's a lot of big NFL stories But how about I've done almost the impossible? I haven't had a win in two weeks. I'm 07 and 1. So I just hope all you guys. Dude. If you realized I didn't know what I was talking about early this season. Bill, I'm two and six.

You have made a lot of money betting against me. Bill, I'm two and six. The show is not off to a start this year. What could you say? Yeah, but you always do that. And then October comes. You're Mr. October on this. And then you start spanking that bookie ass.

in November. You do this, Paul, you have a flair for the dramatic. I've always been, Billy wins, some, lose some. Yeah, you're steady, Eddie. I'm the two-and-two kid. You know, maybe what I said happens. Maybe it doesn't. I, nothing. No.

I'm not right in the playoffs, but the regular season, I do. All right, Jake, Jake the snake is back. Jake, what happened to Joe Burrow and what is the time frame on this guy? Yeah, unfortunately, he basically fractured his toe that bangle game. So they call it Turf Toe, but like when you actually look it up,

it's really just a lot more serious than the name. So he's got out, they said three months. So I mean, that's pretty much the entire season. And our friends that over that. Wait, Turf Toe was a broken toe. All of these years, I thought there was something about playing on AstroTurf that gave you some sort of toe planter fissuritis that it was some special thing. They break their toe. Dude, it basically. But there's no turf anymore. Maybe that's what it is. It basically shut down, it shut down Dion Sanders' last few years of his career. Dion Sanders, like, they kept saying turf toe, and I never knew what it meant. I was like, can't they just fix that?

But it, like, it's, I guess it's bad. Is it like tennis elbow, but with your toe? It's like the ligament, and now he lost his toe. He doesn't have that toe. He got his toes off. His toes are off. Yeah. Dion does not have three toes on that foot.

Time out. I want to hear from the fucking rugby. people now over in England. I'm so sick of them saying like these bro, a bunch of your fecking pussies. It's just like, dude, when I guys have done, I've seen a guy yet as foot removed, toes

cut off, Ronnie Lott, his finger cut off. People commit suicide. I don't, does that happen after you play rugby? Oh, Bill, you know what we got to talk about? I hope not. I'm glad that we watch this. Bill and I, at the same time, we're watching, we got to talk about the Canelo

Bud Crawford fight. First of all, dude, watching two Hall of Famers go at it and everybody's saying Canello's going to win, including Max Kellerman, who called the fight, everybody's saying Canello's a heavy favorite.

Dude, Terrence Crawford's game plan to let him walk him in the corner and then run out and combo and the defense, dude, that was as good of a fight. Bill, how great was that? Yeah, he was too good of a boxer. What amaze me is that

Canello was cutting off the ring like he always does and he would get in that. He was just too fast. I was thinking a Monday morning quarterback because I guess I mean, I don't know shit about boxing, but I guess Canello never jabs. He's more of a counter guy. Yeah. Like that might have been, you know, if they fight again

if he developed a jab as opposed to just standing because that guy was so quick. A couple of times he got him with his classic left hook to the body but he kind of figured that out. But in the sixth round when he just smiled, after like I got this guy

it was like and then he just started standing there kind of showboating a little not showboating he wasn't like disrespectful but like I also love that Canello like we'll fight a guy you know that has that much left in the tank

that is 42 and 0 or whatever he was yeah you know that's the thing that kind of hurt boxing for a long time it was just like guys ducking other guys and ducking him and ducking him and ducking them and then building up these wins fighting bums. I love it though, but just as far as like the strategy of it, I can't tell you how many times I've seen that, though.

I kind of feel like a boxer usually wins that matchup. If they have a chin, if they can sustain it. But I mean, I understand why people pick Canello just because he kept like, you know, Crawford kept moving up and wait. So usually what happens is they're just not strong enough. with that extra 20 pounds or something that they behind the punch to take I guess I don't know yeah that's what they said like that Terrence Crawford went up

two weight classes and they were like dude it's going to exhaust him but he kind of was ready for it and I thought it was great for dude that's the first time I watch a boxing match in years where I go oh boxing is the best like I love boxing again because you know UFC usually has them all the time but good for that guy man what do you know Joe Biden starts showing up to every major boxing thing and everybody starts chanting USA. Just so they can balance it out.

And how weird is it? If fighting becomes like CNN and Fox News. And dude, Bruce Buffer and his brother. What's the other one's name? Oh, Michael Buffer. Michael Buffer and Bruce Buffer both having those jobs and those different organizations is really wild. And then they start a point, counterpoint political talk show

because, Paul, you can't get away from it. As much as you try. try watching sports try watching a talk show try going for a walk yeah it's just fucking this just in we're all doomed it's like can i just get away from it i know if you're not going to fix it can i can i can i just you know can i walk out of the room for a second that's that's what sports are for that's what sports it was that's that's what nfl now there's politics and women in them and And there's no way to go, Paul. It's water world.

It's water world. It's water world. All right. Bill Burr is going to get off the Schneide. Jake, give us the report. Who is out this week other than Joe Burrow? Dude, I should be suspended indefinitely. How come no bookies are coming for me?

Who you got, Jake? The bookies love me. What am I talking about? Yeah. The Vikings' quarterback, J.J. McCarthy, is going to be out for a few weeks as well with the high ankle sprain. Why are you wearing a red shirt? Are you trying to say something politically? I think it matches my hair a little bit. Now, why do you think Joe Burrow got a turf toe? Do you think it was the liberals or the conservatives?

Who put down that turf? Yeah. I want to know. All right. Yeah, so then Justin Fields for the Jets is also out for the concussion. So those are the quarterbacks that are kind of out. Jane and Daniels? Yeah, we're not sure about Jane Daniels, but I think the books feel as if he's not going to play because that number is gone from,

they open in seven and a half, and now it's three and a half. So I think they feel like he's out. But I think they think Brock Purdy is going to play because the Niners are pretty decent-sized favorite. So there's a chance Brock Purdy comes back, but we're just not sure yet. Oh, dude.

So we got quarterback, no Burrow, no Jaden Daniels, no J.J. McCarthy, no Justin Fields. All right. This is backup quarterback Sunday here. Paul, I'm going for it, man. Oh, you're going for it? No, I just feel like the fans are behind me in that they're betting opposite. So I think I just might do this. I might do this for them.

I might go on. Oh, by the way, first time. I like how I'm asking like I'm trying to do. do this. I'm trying to pick winners. No, by the way, Bill, first time in anything better history, back-to-back Monday night specials hit. First time in history, back-to-back goose eggs. I did have the tie. You had a half. You had a half. But you go first. Paul, Paul, you got a good heart. You got a good part, not rubbing my fucking nose in it. Oh, Paul. I mean, I feel like I'm at the DMV right now trying to look at the eye chart,

so I don't have to wear glasses to drive a car. That's where I, that's the level of confidence. I fucking picked against my Patriots and they come out and play a hell of a game. Up at that Stevenson kid, that running back we got? Yeah. Dude, he was running over people. And at one point, dude, he's running in the flat, full speed. And Drake made through one with not a lot of air under it.

I'm telling you, like 15, 20% of the receivers in the NFL might have dropped it. And he caught it on the run as a running back. What reminds me of Roger Craig? Is Roger Craig not in the NFL Hall of Fame? I don't think he is. I don't think, oh, Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ. First, you've got to listen to me, pick games, and Roger Craig's not involved.

Paul, what I'm doing right now is filibustering. What do you think about your new Patriots? I don't have any answers. What do you think about Rabel? So far. So, exactly. It's two games in. It's like I just saw a comedian.

He's opening for me. He's done two jokes. Okay, that makes sense. This is what I think so far. all right you know we're one in one okay yeah that's good i would say go 500 but mathematically that's impossible now because there's 17 games but if we win eight seven or eight i'm not even saying nine paul not even say in nine i would be happy that it's it's turnaround we have targets now uh drake may can extend plays he can run which we haven't seen since i think steve grogan

the quarterback position. Wow. We have had some of the slowest. Tom Brady, Drew Bledso, Tony Ethan, no wheels. No one's had wheels since Jimmy Carter was in the office. All right. I'm just going to pick a team just so I can shut up and give everybody a goddamn break. Oh, Paul. Why am I going to do this? You know why? Because it's funny. I'm going to bet the fucking Thursday night game and I'm going to lay 11 and a half points. And I'm just going to say that the bills and the dolphins are who they're showing we are. Mike McDaniel, Daniel, the cocaine cowboy, man. We shouldn't be saying that, you know.

No, it's a joke. It's a joke. He looks like he could get. If you need it, he could get it. He knows a guy. Hey, we kind of like to party back. All right, man, hang on. He'd be real cool about it, too.

He would be smart enough, too, not to get it himself. I'll text you later. Yeah, I'll talk to you later. Let me check the analytics, see if I can get you that eight ball. All right, I'm going to take the bills. Give me an excuse to watch a goddamn game tonight. There you go. Oh, by the way, Roger Craig is a candidate in the seniors category of the Hall of Fame.

It's the most ridiculous thing. He literally showed people the future. I remember he ran out of his socks. Remember that? Because his socks would fall down and they say he ran out of his socks. I remember that in a playoff game. His socks would always fall down to his ankles. And they go, he's so good.

He runs out of his socks, Roger Craig. Running backs could not catch passes other than like Walter Payton. Like they just had hands of stone. It was like once you became a running back, I don't think anybody threw you a pet, maybe a screen pass. Yeah. This guy was running patterns in the 80s doing what all of these kids are doing now. All right.

I think you should be it. I think it's an abomination. An abomination is an abomination. All right. I'm taking the bills ball. Laying 11 and a half. Laying 11 and a half. I'm starting down big, just like my record this season.

I see that these quarterbacks being out. All right. Well, that's why I didn't listen, Paul. I'm just going with my gut. You know what I'm going to do? I'm going to take, because they look good, they're at home. Jim Harbaugh's got them 2 and 0. Justin Herbert looked good.

I know it's a division rivalry, but I like the three points. I am going to take the Los Angeles Chargers at home to beat the Broncos by three. Oh, Paul, you're going back to your old girlfriend. I can't leave it. You ran into her at the mall. She's looking good. She was nice.

Why did we even break up? What happened again? She was nice to me. I just, I saw her at a kiosk. We were both getting a new cell phone case. I was just going to say that. All right. I'm an idiot, Paul, and I'm going to take the 49ers.

Ooh. Two and a half, laying two and a half. trying to stop that water bug on and around there they're at home they're at home you know they're out there they're out there in levi stadium which is uh used to be a roller coaster they stuck a fucking stadium in the middle of it all right am i going to do this i am going to do this i'm going to the game i'm going to be there sunday night with my son i'm going to sunday night football with my son New York Giants getting six and a half against the Chiefs team that has not shown much. It's a must win, Paul.

It's a must win for both. I like the Giants defense. Russell Wilson, almost 500 passing yards last week. Malik neighbors, our defense is good. Not saying, just for the record, I'm going to do a little homage to Jimmy the Greek here, rest of soul. Not saying, because Jimmy the Greek was saying, I'm not saying it's going to be a win, but I like the three. I'm saying I like the six and a half points in this game. Do I think the Giants win it outright money line?

I don't love that. I like the six and a half points. God forbid we lose. I could see it being a heartbreaker by three. But give that Giants defense the points. I'm taking my New York Giants with me and my son in the building. Is your coach's last name, Dabble? Dable.

Dable. I thought it was like, I dabble a little in coaching. Dable. Brian Dable. All right. Yeah. And what is it? Kyle Shanahan. All right.

You know, let's look at the other side of the ledger here, Paul. I want to pick two favorites, and I'm going to pick two underdogs. I kind of like the Chiefs minus six and a half, but what I don't like doing is rooting for the Chiefs. I did that once this year, and it just hurt my stomach doing it, watching them doing their little dink and dunk down the field. I just, that brand of football, you know, I'm not into it. All right. So I'm going to take, oh, no, Bill, don't do it. Am I going to take sneaky Pete, the Raiders, to go into Washington after the commanders lost it?

What, they lose to the Vikings last? No, who did they lose to the Vikings played the Falcons? Who do the commanders lose? Oh, attackers. Thursday, Ed football? Commanders had a nice fucking, they're going to have a nice 10-day rest. I don't know, I just, I wasn't impressed with their quarterback, LSU kid. Yeah, Jaden Daniels, and he's actually banged up.

You know what? I'm going to take sneaky Pete and the Raiders to go in there. I think Pete's going to maybe swing by the White House and say what's going on. Say hello to the to our king. I like, I like the half point there, Bill. I think the half point there could save you. I like the half point. Listen, when the half point goes by the Pentagon, they let him fly a fucking F-16.

and then he goes over the Jefferson Memorial. He takes him the fucking blossoms. Listen, sneaky Pete will find a way to get a flight. Sneaky Pete staying at the Watergate Hotel. Sneaky Pete knows a guy for sure. Doesn't storm the Capitol, Paul. smiles as he comes upstairs. He shakes hands.

They let him in. He shakes hands. They let him in. He runs the stairs, Paul. I love Pete Carroll back. He's my favorite coach to tease. Dude, I'm going to take, from my next game, they just look good, they find ways to win. The Jets are hapless and the Jets are without Justin Fields. I'm going to take Baker, Mayfield, and the Tampa Bay Bucks to not just beat the Jets.

That's a great pick. To stomp the Jets. All right. I heard a little bit of your heart in there. The two things I don't understand about New York sports is Yankees hating the Mets. It's different. I just, I just, like, the fact that you even dignify them with hating them. And then the Giants fan hates the Jets.

They haven't won since we walked on the moon, Paul, allegedly. Soundstage or not, Paul. It was on TV. We're going to go with what happened. It was on TV. That's, yeah. You know what, Paul, I'm going to choose to believe in something. What was that?

That we went to the moon. Oh, dude, I actually have to take this. Can we pause this one second? Oh, let's say something. I'll talk about something real quick that is real. You never hear this on a sports podcast. I went to a Broadway play. Hi, I went to go see Bobby Connovelli, James Corden, and Neil Patrick Harris in art.

Amazing. Great. It was fucking amazing. it was opening night um i finally got to see bobby bobby broadway bobby kind of bodily um absolutely dude they fucking dude they killed like i literally saw it you know now that i've done one call you know i was sitting there going like i would love to come back and see this in about six weeks when you know because this is like if this is the performance when this is still new to them dude cordon did like a that's like a five minute rant like i don't even know how you could memorize all those

words and in the end his character sits down on the couch dude it got an applause break it died down and then there was another applause break oh dude that's sick it was like a minute long oh it's like the it's it was like louder than the applause that you get at the end of this football season every year when you beat the football hey not this year not yet yeah no No, no intermission, and it's about 85, 90 minutes. So if you're a guy, exactly. If you want to take your wife to something and get credit for going to Broadway, but you don't have to watch like Fosse and all of this shit.

Perfect. It's the one. I love it. I actually told her about it because you recommended it, and I think we're going to try to go. Hey, Paul, you know. Who am I? Yeah, you walk it through the kitchen.

They fucking find a table for you. Bobby. Bob, you remember? You could go from rags to riches. During the play, he goes like this to my table. They break character. They break character. You just hear Stacey go, there was nothing like it.

Remember? Yeah. How do you know all these people? I mean, constructions. It just shows how dumb the wives were. right of construction they're not dumb she goes it doesn't feel like you're in construction no dude first of all they're not dumb they're practicing for when the feds show up and they can play dumb yeah yeah their whole thing is i don't want to know i don't want to know

don't tell me what did he say to her don't give me the babe in the woods what did he say that Karen don't give me the babe in the woods speech that's one of my that's one of my that's one of most underrated oh that's great like i have to go to i don't know i you know like acting like she had no idea. Yeah. Your husband stays out all night and he comes home with like a gun belt of cash. Not without your keys, you're not.

All right. I think you go, Bill. Oh, dude, I need to be replaced on this. I'm on the hot seat. All right, I'm going to take the Colts. Oh, minus three and a half playing the Titans. going in there and you know old old daniel jones billy taking points this week i like no no no no i took two favorite taking points paul i'm laying 11 a half with the bills tonight oh you need

i always bet the thursday game this year because i like to get the the first slap in the face out of the way you know gives me a couple days to shake it off so when the next three come on sunday I'm just struggling, dude. We're both struggling. Paul, it's two weeks in. I already got three standing eight counts. I'm doing this. The ref's looking at you?

The ref's going to like that? Max Kellerman is going to stop it right now. What do we, what do I have? One more pick, Andrew? Yeah. Yeah, okay. All right. So, with my fourth and final pick. Oh, my God, dude, that Lions Ravens game is so scary. I can't touch it. I'm not touching it. Don't worry. I'm not touching. I know you're touching. I'm not touching. So what about the Steelers? I saw that one, too.

I just, I just, I don't know. Aaron Rogers. I think he's got a little more in the towel one and a half well as always Paul hats off to the bookies just just picking that perfect number every goddamn week it's almost like they have a sea of computers going up against I'm struggling with this last pick because it's between two games

well Paul if you're struggling don't be afraid to reach out for help in fact anybody out there if you're struggling call me and whatever I say do the exact opposite. The Browns and Packers, I don't like. I'll tell you what. They're part of the original NFL. How could you say such a thing? Actually, no, they're not. The Packers are. The NFL. Should I take the Rams getting three and a half against the Eagles? Or should I take the Jaguars at home? You know, Paul, that's what makes America great. I'm going to take. If you have choices like this. Jake, are the Rams hurt? Nobody on the Rams

is hurt, right? No, Rams are good to go. That should be one of the best. better games of the week. I thought Matthew Stafford was going through a breakup. Is that not true? Not true, not true, as far as I know. I'm going to take the Rams getting three and a half in Philadelphia. Philadelphia has been okay, but they haven't wowed me. They haven't, they haven't wowed me.

Paul, this is the second time you went into your fields. No, I really like the- You want the Jets to be done. Oh, they are done. You want the chiefs to be done. Yeah. And you want the eagles to be done. Oh, dude.

Think about what you're doing here. Don't psychologically do. Oh, you bet with this. Don't do this to be doing. That's what I do, Paul. I like the, what's his name? The coach, that's all jacked up. Sean McVeigh.

Oh, who? He's got the haircut. Sean McVeigh, the Rams. He's all jacked up. He works out with the team. Stafford's looking good. Oh, he's got Sneaky Pete's old workout stuff from USC. Dude, Sneaky Pete is almost 80.

And I guarantee you he can run up a flight of stairs faster than me. He doesn't even yell at the refs. He chooses gum and asks questions and nods. There's something about sneaky Pete, dude. As much as we call him Sneaky Pete, Bill, how much would we love having a beer with that guy? Fuck that. How much would I love having his disposition? I know.

Oh, my God. If he's a dog breed, that's what you want around your kids. Like, you want... He's a golden retrieval with a pit bull heart. Come Sunday. Don't let the Ned Flanders look fool you. That guy is a killer. Oh, dude.

Speaking of which, dude, I want to get another dog. I want to get a red-nosed pit bull. I fucking love those dogs. Are you guys looking for a family dog right now? You gotta do it, dude. Kids are asking, right? Yeah, I want to go to a breeder too, just so I can get people yelling at me.

I like, I don't know. Why don't you go down to a shelter? I already did that. Try to eat my baby. You did do that. I did do that. The fucking thing was nuts. I loved her, though.

Yeah. Dude, you did love her. Dude, my relationship with my first dog was like De Niro and Sharon Stone and Casino. Yeah. You, dude, you did more for that dog than people do for people. I can't even get into the situation I'm still in with that dog. Dude, obvious, you told me some things you did for that dog, and I was just like, wow, I'm a piece of shit. I would never do that.

It's it, Paul. Once you get in here, it's over. I love that. I still, I still, every once in a while, yell that dog's name. I go down the street. Makes me feel good. Oh, dude. I just yells as I go and the other thing I fucking love that dog oh dude yeah you got

are your kids asking my kids want another one when I think of going to heaven like that's what I'm thinking to seeing as my dog they say you do that'd be awesome that'd be awesome

just getting up there thing runs up can we just have that can that just happen oh that'd be funny if God's letting you in heaven be like

yeah I don't I don't need all that I had a dog from 2008 to 2017 if I could just hang out with that dog and smoke a cigar and not get heaven cancer can I can I can I that's all I need I I don't mean we got a buffet I don't need it I don't I'm good I won't mention his name I won't mention his name but we I have a friend in comedy you know him and we were on the road he was on the road for a long time. He was on the road for a long time. And I go, dude, do you miss your family? He just goes, I miss my dog. And here's the thing. It was wholehearted and he meant every word of it. Like he meant it. He missed it. It was true. He goes, I miss my dog. And I was just like, don't you have a anyways. Well, part of being the man of the house is coming

home and feeling like a non-entity. Just walking up the stairs. Do I matter? I think I matter. I mean, dude, dogs are special, though, aren't they, dude? They know. They are the best. My wife wasn't feeling good, dude, and Lloyd was just new.

Next to her, chin on her knee, just like... Dogs get it. They get it. don't they just get loyal yeah and cats are the real world that's what's out there that's why you have a dog because most people identify as cats but they they say that they're a dog and they're not oh you're my dog no no you're not a dog dude dog yeah simple unwavering loyalty and love unwavering love simple borderline stupid always in a good mood cats too fucking smart for their own good. Think too much. Always a problem. Never happy. No trust. No trust. They're always on their toes

looking. They want affection. When they want affection, they control it, you know? Not mutual. What are we talking about? Right? We still talking dogs and cats? I can forget. I think we're talking about our wives. Okay. It's on their terms. Um, all right. You really just get to the point of like, I would just love to just be fucking left alone. Can I just like, that's what the back porch is for. When they put a back porch, I'm, we got to have some place for the guys. No, dude, can I be honest?

I'm going to get, I'm going to get real on anything better. I'm not having the greatest week, okay? Going through some things, life shit. And the other day, I was down. And, dude, my dog was just looking at me like, dude, I got you. Like, he just looked at me like, I got, I'm here. And I was like, they know. They know.

They give a fuck. He gives a fuck. he checks in with you paul his eyes he knows she don't do it she don't do it god bless him paul they they it's not their fault they just they just not wired wired that way it's just not how it works all right i'm getting bleak yeah it's getting but two and oh the monday night special let's turn the bus around two and o monday night special we have all four of our picks right guys all right guys

way I'm happy. Before we get into our Monday night special, we got a shout out our sponsor. It's the great sponsor. It's the BEDMGM Sportsbook. We've been with them for years now and we love them. They're the best lines out there, guys. And here's what you do. If you want to get involved with the anything better. And listen, don't let the first couple of weeks shake you. This is the best show. We're going to get back on the horse. We're going to be fine. We got two Monday night specials. Here's what you got to do. All you got to do is go to your device and download the BetMGM app and use our code, easy code, Burr, B-U-R-R, and you put in as little as $10 deposit, and you will get $1,500 in bonus bets after your original wager is settled.

Also, we have the first touchdown thing going on where you pick any player to get a touchdown in that game, the first touchdown in any NFL game. If they do, you win. If they don't, but they, in fact, get the second touchdown, you will get your stack back in cash, read the disclaimer, all that stuff. please bet responsibly and again use our code burr and you'll get $1,500 in bonus bets after you deposit as little as $10 in there after your first wager is settled. Our Monday night special hit, we had Justin Herbert and two touchdown passes. He did exactly that.

We are two for two bill. Are we going to do the unimaginable and go three Pete to start? We already did back to back. We've never done that. So we're playing with house money here. And it's a big game. Two games. It's one game, right? No, it's one game and it's a doozy.

It's the Lions coming off, beating up the Bears bad, and it's the Ravens coming off a big win, and it's in Baltimore. Yeah, dude. I mean, it's a... Oh, look, here. Oh, Jake, you know what? You know, you know it's important when Jake just shows up. And Jack has a looked at in. Exactly. What do you need to know?

I mean, should be a good game. I mean, do you guys like a side in this one? Like, do you think the Ravens may be money line or, like, maybe like the Lions to cover? I like the Ravens Money Line. I like Lamar Jackson. I don't think anybody can stop that guy. I agree. Yeah, I was thinking definitely get Lamar Jackson involved in some way.

And I like John Harbaugh. Again, Dan Campbell, I think I got to give the nod with experience to John Harbaugh. And they're also at home. So if we're doing the money line, I like Little bit. Lamar Jackson to do some dazzling shit. Is there a way to get Lamar to get an anytime touchdown? Or maybe you can do like rushing or passing? I feel like there's a way to get that, something like that down.

By the way, can I say something before we do this bet? I've seen these sports shows where they have the guys on the little boxes the way us three are. I don't know many with better looking than these three. I mean, we look good, dude. I'm not going to lie to you. We look, we look good, you know? Anyway. I don't know about this.

I like this Brady Bunch set up, though, that we have. I guess I'm Peter. Start looking up, pointing. I like Lamar Jackson scoring a touchdown. Yeah, can we do that, Andrew? Can we do a pass or a run and Ravens Money Line? Yeah. Yeah, should be able to build it.

Do you want to throw in a third leg at Amundrae St. Brown of the Lions to get over-receiving yards, something like that? I love that. He's really good. maybe not a touchdown but I like him to have a big day. I would build it out but because I'm in California I can't properly log in so

got it. We can write it down, right? Do you want to do, do you want to say Brown to catch one or do you want to do Jared Gough to throw one? I don't trust golf personally. Okay. But I mean, he could. Hey, Jake, you've helped guide us to

two and all with the money. We go with you. It's tough with golf because he was so good last week and he was so bad week one and so you don't know which one you're going to get and they like to run it in the red zone I kind of agree with Bill here. I think the fucking snake here. I like the Ravens

money line and I like Lamar Jackson to do whatever. Run, throw. Exactly. The guy is fucking unstoppable. And then what Jake the snake does, you know what? Not only does Jake watch gains, he remembers them. That's the problem I have.

Yeah. For sure. Oh, my God, dude, you know what's fucking hilarious? I got a drinking game for you. Oh, no, I can't shit on fucking, I always get in trouble when I do this shit. Dude, I'm just going to say this. I saw a fucking movie. It was on the flight back. I think it's called exposition is when characters, rather than speaking like their characters,

they just say what's going to happen. The whole fucking movie, dude, should be a drinking game. Anytime anybody explains what's going to happen, not only do you have to, like, drink. You have to drink the entire time they're explaining. This dude said to this one character says something. And then the other character goes, let me get this straight. You're saying the only chance we have is if we all meet at the exact same time, at the exact same place at the bottom of the Baltic Sea and one of those contractions over there.

And the guy's like, yes. They did everything but explained taking his shit. So you're telling me, if I go in that, little rung and sit on that chair with a hole in it? I've got an interesting one for you guys, so I was watching this Charlie Sheen, Doc, and we don't need to get into his personal life, but I saw that. What do you think about him as the karate kid? How crazy would that have been?

I was kind of curious to see what you guys had thought about, like, that potential or maybe the butterfly effect from that. I think he was, he always had like a badass vibe to him, and I think what, Ralph Machio brought to the role was a vulnerability. Like, I would believe, you know, Ralph's getting like, you know, Charlie Sheen always looked like, and I'm sorry, yeah, he always looked at you grow a beard by the seventh grade. He looked like you. He looked like a cold, two cobra Kai. I bet that's what it came down to. Like Ralph Machio, you believe, like, yeah, this, this kid would have a tough time if he was new kid in the neighborhood. The one thing that I loved about the doc was that, that's, small part he played in Ferris Bueller's day off was so impactful that people watched him and they were just like even though he's not even close to his star

in this like that's the fucking guy I thought that that was really cool that was the coolest guy in the movie yeah yeah what are in here for drugs no what do you went here for and he goes drugs just I can't even do it the way he did that the timing was perfect

and the way he was just leaning looking at her how amazing was it that like his drug dealer it was like first time ever they said that a guy weaned off of drugs by the drug dealer where the drug dealer was like, all right, I'm not going to lose this guy. So I'm going to give him the same dose, but we're just going to keep making it less potent until he gets tired of it. And it was just like, I know it's enabling, but it was kind of crazy and brilliant. A drug dealer with a heart. What about the hidden message in Ferris Bueller's day off?

What's that? His sister's problem was she wasn't getting any dick. That's why she was so fucking focusing on Ferris and what the fuck he was doing. And then she finally meets a guy that's going to bang her right. I mean, that was kind of what they were doing. Yeah. She got all fucking giddy. Second, she met Charlie Sheen's character, she didn't give a fuck what Ferris was doing.

Am I wrong? No, that's true. That's actually a good point. Yeah. They were all written by guys back then, Paul. So that's, I'm not saying that that's the truth. I'm just saying that that kind of seemed like the message. And another cool thing about the doc. People got to see the doc.

Another cool thing that I loved about the doc was he loved sports. He was like an athlete. He loved sports. But how about Nicholas Cage being like, I'm outside. I'll meet you at the part. Like Nicholas Cage was his like, like Nicholas Cage was his like, like Nicholas. You know what they left out one time? One time he went to an Angels game and bought a whole section of seats right out in left field

so he could catch a home run. He wouldn't have any competition. And nobody hit one. And he was just sitting out there, super famous by himself. we like 80 fucking seats around him all bought up and he just sat in his glove about the same thing he's like dude what the fuck

oh dude that's awesome I don't even better than that is that the tickets were available you know what they left out of the dock which I would have loved them to talk about Major League was such a great sports movie where he played Ricky Vaughn

I would love to hear like how many real pitches he threw and like if he was accurate or like something on the set of like a baseball field would have been cool. Yeah, it was, uh, yeah, it's also like, I don't know. I always don't know. I love that guy, man. I was just, just seeing him after. Now he's sort of clean, right?

Is he clean? Oh, he's been clean for eight years. Okay, great. Yeah, he said, he said what did it was he said he used to start drinking in the morning with his coffee. And he said, like, it was awesome because he would like love his coffee and booze. So he would start his day with it. And then he had to take his daughter to something.

He told it on a talk show, too. He had to take his daughter somewhere, and he realized he couldn't drive her to school because he wasn't sober. So he had to have that dude, Tony Todd, or, you know, his best friend. And he said he, like, sees his daughter's face in the mirror, kind of knowing, like, why isn't my dad driving? Like, he's like, she never said anything. But he's like, why?

She's like, he's like, my daughter's got to be thinking, why isn't dad driving right now? Like, what's going on? And he said it just stuck with him. And he's like, I'm done with this shit. How about Denise Hooker? I mean, Denise Hooker. I mean, Denise Hooker. He made the sandwiches for the hookers.

That's what I was saying. Nothing will. That is a Andrew bookmarked that. That is one of the funniest moments in the podcast history. Sorry. I mean, Denise Richards. I mean, is that the coolest wife ever? Oh, she was cool.

She comes out to the guest house, not only makes you a sandwich but the three hookers you banged the night before. I mean, when she said for better or for worse, she took that to heart. I love her. Dude. What a fucking champ.

Yeah, she was great. Denise hooker. I'm sorry. Denise. Oh, my God. I got a little ahead of myself, Paul. All right, guys. How cool is it?

him and his dad beat, Charlie and his dad beat Michael Jordan a game up two-on-one. That car ride home must have been amazing. What was even better? I saw that live with Dick Van Patten doing the announcing from eight is enough. I just remember he just kept going, oh, and the Sheen's! That's great. By the way, how awesome was... We all know Michael Jordan bet the Sheens. Come on, Matt. You saw the last dance. How awesome was Martin Sheen, dude, as a father, dude? Martin Sheen just showing

up to hospitals, going to the press conference, just a fucking dad. Dude, I'll tell you, if you want to see a lot of some of Martin Sheen's best work, there was a time when he was doing movies and then he went to like made for TV

movies and then went back into cinema again, you know? He's got some really good ones. He had like the, I forget the name of the one. I found a lot of them on YouTube, like the full thing. It's really cool, like the ABC movie of the week and it would be starring him.

And it was always a good story. I saw one of him and what was the name of it? It's a classic thing where there's a dirty cop and he comes to town and he's a young kid with the cool car and people keep going off this cliff and they're trying to figure out who's killing him. And the cop fucks with Martin Sheen and that's his big mistake. Vic, what's his face? Vic Murrow, is that his name?

The guy who died in the helicopter crash in the car. that yeah he's in that in a helicopter is he in a helicopter in that or is that in crazy larry fucked up mary whatever that movie is i'm just gonna stop talking dude they did wall street together how sick is that oh yeah no you're looking at a man who doesn't judge another man by the size of his what that became a catchphrase in our house uh i'm looking for my what like he couldn't say wallet without screaming all right guys well there you have it that's the show you got our picks week three is in starts tonight with the buffalo bills and the and the Miami dolphins um you guys know what to do you download the app use our code burr put in as little as $10 you get $1,500 in bonus bets after the original wager is settled first touchdown bet you bet any player in any game to get the first touchdown and you win if they get the second touchdown you'll get your stack back and care read the disclaimer bet responsibly don't go nuts just have fun with us all right uh and we're

going to try to get the monday night special for the third week in the row we got um uh lamar jackson to score at any time touchdown we got the baltimore ravens to uh win money line and we have what is it i'm on st brown yeah look at first he count like a german touchdown uh yard Let's see, Yards. Yards. You just went in glorious bastards, Paul. Dude. You went one, film, three, like Dirk Nowitzky.

Funny you said that. I did a podcast we talked about in glorious bastards. I watched it again. Dude, every time I watched that movie, I realize how incredible it is. It's incredible. Every scene is incredible. And Christopher Walls. I got to see that one again.

Dude, Christopher Walls eaten that cake. He said, like, he ate like 15 pieces of cake while they were, like, with all the takes. But when he was eating it with the cream and she was just trying to fucking and not throw up. Oh, dude. Incredible. I got a good one for you on the Criterion Channel, which is Cinemax for Smart People. There's still tities in Bush, but it's cinematic the way they do it. Go see the, watch the parallax view with Warren Beatty. It's a thriller, Paul.

Bill, I'm sorry. After the Denise Hooker, I can't. After Denise Hooker, I just can't. Listen, I got to open up. Dude, I'm a mess right now. I'm a mess, okay? I'm overworked. I'm not feeling appreciated. I got more work today. You know, I got some gigs coming up in a crazy part of the world.

I got friends getting fired. It's just been a fucking crazy week. You know what you need to do? You need to go down, get a golden retriever. Bring it home to your two kids. Let them freak out about it. And then all good is in the world again. Yeah.

Oh, come on, too. Why can't I get like a little red-nosed pit bull? Looking like me back in the day when I used to go to the gym and I had hair. You did that once. Oh, Billy back in the day. Because a golden retriever, you know what you're getting. You know. Yeah, but I need something that's going to do something.

A golden retrievers is like a Japanese car. A golden retriever is a Japanese car. You put it, you feed it. It's like putting oil in it. It's not going anywhere. It's done. You know what a golden retriever is? A gold retriever is fucking pleasant.

And what pleasant people do is they attract fucking sociopaths and narcissists because they're the only ones that put up with them. If someone has a golden retriever, I'm telling you right now, there's like an 80% chance there's something psychologically wrong with the arm. It's like a comic that doesn't curse. There's absolutely no evidence to back up what I just said. Like a comic that doesn't curse. But then you find out.

You find out. I'll find out what's under the bed. Bill Cosby told Eddie Murphy, you cannot say fucking. Yeah. All right, everybody. He didn't say anything about not putting shit and drinks. Denise Hooker is the, it's the, it's the, it's put a little shine in my day. All right, guys, we'll see you guys.

Enjoy NFL week three. Go Giants. I'll be in the building. Jake the snake is going to be in the building. the building against the charger with the chargers that's right um so we got a couple of the guys on the show go into games enjoy everything and we'll see you next week all right we'll see you all right