Monday Morning Podcast - New Jersey, Rodney Holmes, 'And' 70s Movies | Monday Morning Podcast 7-20-26

Episode Date: July 20, 2026

Bill rambles about beautiful New Jersey, drum legend Rodney Holmes, and 'And' 70's movies.Helix: Go to http://www.HelixSleep.com/BURR for  27% Off SitewideJack Archer: Go to http://www.JackArcher.com, and use promo code GETJACK for 15% off your first order, and see why thousands of people have given the Jetsetter Tech pant five starsSimpliSafe: Right now, you can get 50% off your new system by visiting http://www.SimpliSafe.com /BURR MintMobile: To get your new wireless plan for just 15 bucks a month, go to http://www.MintMobile.com/BURR See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Monday morning podcast for Monday, July 20th, 2020. 6, 6, 6. What's going on? How are you? How's it going? Oh, geez. 523, Sunday afternoon, Pacific Coast Time. I'll tell you, one of the easiest things to do in the world is to play with your kids. and then the hardest thing in the world is to try to get something done when your kids are there. If you're just playing with them, it's all good.

The second you try to be like, can you guys just like not try to kill each other and I'm just going to go in the other room and do X, Y, and Z? Nope. Dad. Yeah, Joe! It just, it's, it's, it's,

and you just look at him. Can you guys just chill? Can you just chill? just chill, give me 10 minutes. Can you just chill for 10 minutes? You're like, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, 10 seconds later. Or there's a fight. When somebody needs something or something falls down, it's just, you literally,

and then when you're hanging out with them, they don't do anything. They're just sitting there, and they're just totally chill, eating a sandwich, looking cute as hell. The second you leave, it's like they make like a plan, like, all right, let's fuck shit up immediately, immediately. Everything we just agreed to is out the window, the second he leaves this room.

But anyway, I actually had a great day. I went on a bike ride with my son, and then we watched the World Cup final, and then we swam in the pool, and now I'm trying to get like a half hour of this knocked out. So tomorrow morning, after I make him breakfast, I can do the other half. That's, you know, you pick your spots, right?

So, anyway, let's talk, Jesus. First of all, congratulations. Congratulations to the Garden State, New Jersey. New Jersey hosted the World Cup final. Not New York, New Jersey. No, New Jersey. If you went to the World Cup final, you were only in one state.

You were in the state of New Jersey. That's it. That's it. You know why it's called the Garden State? Because it's fucking beautiful. Do you know why everybody thinks it sucks? Because New Yorkers only go as far as New Yorkers. airport. And they're like, oh, this fucking place, it's ugly, it's fucking IKEA,

fuck this fucking place. No, it's gorgeous. It is gorgeous. Especially, especially, north of the George Washington Bridge along the Hudson River. Oh, my God. Also, the people in New Jersey have the view. They have the view of the city. It's fucking gorgeous. When you're in the city, it's like, you know, It's up against your face. Listen, I'm not saying don't live in New York City. I'm just saying if some shit's going down in New Jersey and just because it's cool, you know? How come when, what was the Jersey Shore?

How come when that was a huge ratings hit? How come New York didn't claim that? They didn't want any part of that. That wasn't cool. Anyway, I went to a sales. Sagabah with a friend of mine, and we watched the Constellation game, whatever you call it, France versus England,

to see who was going to get third and fourth place. I have to tell you, if the World Cup final was like that game, I think you would have got America. That was the soccer game America has been waiting for. Ten goals. All right, that's America, big gulp. Obesity.

Ten fucking goals. We don't want that one-nothing shit. We want that fucking Mexican guy to lose his voice going, go! We want to kick it up a notch. Emerald Lugasi. So I'm watching the fucking game, right?

And I'm rooting for France. My buddy is... I don't know. I think he might be rooting for France, too, but mostly everybody there was rooting for England. So England goes up, one-nothing. two nothing, three nothing, in case you didn't see it,

they're up four to nothing. At three nothing, my buddy goes, this is over, man. He goes, in soccer, you get up by two goals, it's over. And I'm like, yeah, tell that to Egypt. And he's like, well, I mean, there's exceptions to the rule, you know? So then it was three nothing and then four nothing. He goes, man, this is a snoozer.

So at halftime, I look at him and I go, I bet you a hundred bucks France scores two goals in the second half. He goes, you're out of your mind. I go, watch. I go, I go, English is going to go into a defense. thing like they did when they were playing in Argentina, and that's how they ended up tying it up and lost.

You know, I don't know shit about soccer. I'm basing it on one fucking game. I go, they're going to, I'm using American references. They're going to play Marty Ball. So he goes, all right, you're on, 100 bucks, right? There was, like, no penalty time in the first half. They ended, like, almost right at 45 minutes. So the second half starts.

France scores a goal, like two minutes in. There's 47 minutes in the game, and I just stand up, and I'm looking at him. He goes, whatever, whatever. He goes, because they're not going to do it or something like that. France scores the second goal, 51 minutes in.

So basically six minutes into the second half, I got $100. So I look at them, I go, you want to go double in nothing that they score a third goal? And he said, no. I was like, all right. So France then makes it four to three. All of these English people, they got their head and their hands. It was fucking hilarious. obviously Boston sports fan.

I've been on both sides. Lately, I was on the good side this decade, I mean this century, but last century, I was for the most part head and hands going, how the fuck did we blow that? And then England mercifully scores the fifth goals, and then it's five to three, and then France scores again, 5'4,

and then finally, I think when they made it 5'3, that was a penalty kick. And then France scored 5-4, and then England scored one last one and make it 6-4. So the fucking cigar bar was going crazy. So anyway, and I also found out why England said to bring it home, bring the World Cup home. Not because they've won the World Cup a bunch of times because the game of soccer was actually invented in England. That's why they say coming home.

But this is the funny part. It was invented by some guy Ebenezer, something or other, something or other, right? Like three names, like Lewis Gusset, Jr., right? Oh, that's actually, Junior doesn't count. Ephraimbalist, no. Lou Diamond Phillips. Is Diamond a nickname?

John Henry Bonham. There we go. Like that, right? And guess what they called him? He invented football, and they called him the father of soccer. So don't have a list of these cunts. go, Roy, why are you calling it fucking soccer?

Why do you call it football? I don't know. Why do you call it the British Empire? Why do you call it a kingdom? It's like a fucking island and a half. The fuck are you guys on about. Call it whatever we want. When you start calling it the English islands,

you know, we'll stop. We're still calling it football. How about that? Anyway, so, so I went a hundred bucks off him. So I'm like, oh, give a chance to win your money back. I go, who do you want tomorrow? He goes, I'll take Argentina. I said, all right, I'll take Spain.

I didn't want to root for Argentina anyways, you know, because I don't even know anything, but everybody says they got FIFA in their back pocket, you know, and then they say, oh, they fucking, all these fucking war criminals around the world, when time comes for them to fucking run and hide, they're all going to go to Argentina. This is what they're telling me.

But if you go back in their history, you know, they were a safe haven for the Nazis. So I don't think Nittanyahu can go there. I don't know where he would go. So this is what it says, what Argentina did. Okay? After World War II, a clandestine escape network known as the rat lines

helped thousands of Nazi war criminals evade prosecution by fleeing to South America. This operation was actively facilitated by sympathetic Catholic clergy clergy and the Vatican who provide, dude, it's all about money. The Nazis were killing off

a whole fucking religion. Catholics, well, that's more for us. It's unbelievable. How you could be a man of God and just, and not give a fuck. Not only not give a fuck, but help out those fucking animals after what they did, okay? Anyway,

who provided forged documents. Okay, Catholic clergy and the Vatican who provided forged documents and safe passes to Argentina with the support of President Juan Perron. The connection between the Catholic Church, Argentina, and escaping Nazis involved several specific components. The rat line, smugglers, including Austrian bishop, Alois Houdel and Croatian priest, Khrushlav Dragnovic,

leverage Catholic institutions and the Pontifical Commission, I think that means the Pope, of assistance to secure false identity papers, and Red Cross traveled documents for fleeing SS officers. Argentine clergy, high-ranking Argentine clergymen such as Cardinal Antonio Cagiano, actively traveled to Europe to secure visas and provide recommendations to the Argentine emacy, effectively save Heyman for war criminals. Argentina became the primary destination for these figures, notable Nazis such as Adolf Eichmann,

who escaped to Argentina in 1950. Joseph Mengla and Eric Pribic lived openly in the country under aliases shielded by the government and sympathetic local networks. Now, before we get on our high horse here in the United States, after World War II, the United States government secretly allowed thousands of Nazis and collaborators to immigrant.

Agencies like the CIA and the FBI actively protected and employed them as scientists, engineers, and spies during the Cold War. The U.S. has since investigated these human rights violations and deported the last known living suspects. A classified government report details

how intelligent officials create a safe haven for these individuals for deeper investigations into the chapter of history, explore the following resources. So there you go. So I, you know, I live in this country. I cannot, I can't judge these people. Which is kind of funny to me.

This is what's funny with me. I'm not going to, I'll speak around it. But I did a gig one time and I got all of this shit of how could you perform there? Which was immediately fucking hilarious to me. It's like, well, why don't you pick up a fucking history book? Okay. You can give me shit for every gig. done in my career other than

I think Iceland, even like New Zealand, I think they've been involved in some fucked up shit as... I don't know about human stuff, but like dumping shit in the ocean for as much as they're in Eden down there. I know that they've... Or maybe they were also finning sharks. I forget, something I was reading about recently that went in my head

and right back out and now I'm taking down a whole fucking country and I can't even say what I'm accusing them of. I mean, if that isn't the Monday morning podcast, I don't know what is. So anyways, it's all filthy. It's I'm trying to say. It's all goddamn filthy. But anyway, congratulations to Spain for winning their

Second World Cup. You know, it's all filthy. France, England, and Spain were the biggest colonizers. Argentina, you know, evidently they got Nazis going there. Evidently, we did too. It all just kind of makes sense. The whole thing makes sense. But remember,

remember, God loves us best. This is why, you know, the more I read, the less I believe in any sort of organized religion, as far as anybody actually knowing or being right. It's a guess. And I understand where it kind of, where it came from, aside from control and all of that evil stuff, there is something that is incredible that we are all alive,

how nature works, how it all works. It's just, it couldn't. just be a stroke of luck. There has to be something. I buy into all of that. I have no problem with that there's a higher power. But this whole idea that we are fucking special and da da da da da da, da, like how much life has been on this planet and how long we've been on this planet does not line up with the whole, you know, and God made Adam and Eve. And he made us in his image. And it's all about us. It's very narcissistic, very narcissistic, the whole fucking thing. And the narcissism doesn't stop with that.

It then goes to our version of that ridiculous shit is 100% right. Therefore, I have the right to kill you. So I stay away from all of that shit. I'm into vibes, man. If you're fucking cool, man, you just fucking, you know, rooting for people. A couple of hits off a joint, a little glass of red wine.

You're not bothering anybody. You know, I think you're all right. I think you're all right. You don't get involved in anybody's. bullshit, you know. Anyway, yeah, like I honestly think, you know,

what happened to Germany had to do with how much land they were taking. That's what it's really about, because human beings have shown over and over and over and over and over again. It's just about money, and it's about power, and they don't give a fuck what is happening to people around the world. They just don't. You and I might, you know.

I mean, we'll stand and join arms in a stadium and saying, we are the world, we are the children. And we'll fucking throw a couple bucks into a cardboard box on the way out of the stadium. And then the reptile people go, all right. Looks like we got enough money for a boat. Let's get some horse. Anyway, so I am not.

now a soccer fan. I had so much goddamn fun watching it and I have to commend everybody that played. There was so little flopping around and all of that shit. It was very enjoyable to watch and I hope that type of play continues because

I just found it to be like devoid of any sort of honor. Like how could you do that? Like just fake it like that. Argentina was doing a pretty good job towards the end when they needed a goal. You know, and I did notice that if blue goes down, the flag came up.

But anyway, they also gave Argentina a fucking red card in a final. So, I mean, I can't pitch about anything like that. But anyway, some sad news here. One of the greatest drummers in the world, one of the best to ever do it, unfortunately, passed away. Rodney Holmes. Shout on to him, condolences to all his friends and family. an absolute beast on the kit

so creative so original I first became aware of him when I bought the DVD of the modern drummer you know what they used to have it was just the drum day or whatever and they used to have a DVD every year and I used to always get it and I would see all of these guys well one year

in 2005 was when I became a fan of Rodney Holmes he came out he played this Tama kit It was like seafone green, but cooler, cooler color than that. It was a little brighter than that. And he came out and he played traditional grip. And he just was fucking blazing around the kit. But then he would bring it down like he had dynamics.

He'd slow it down, speed it back up, have like these flurries. And then he had like this little, I can't say, little but it was based off a simple idea where he went up the tom's remember it was like don't don't don't don't don't dun he was playing like what would have quarters on his high hat and then he filled in all of that space between those hits with these dittles this cowbell thing between you know between his left and his right hand and the snare in the cowbell and then these accents on the tom's and then something underneath with his high hat and his bass drum and it just fucking blew everybody

away and I remember when he was playing it he looked over to the side of the stage where the other drummers you know that were going to play that day and I remember like playfully he smiled and stuck his tongue out at him like you know top this and it was just so fucking cool

and his command and the beauty of the way this kid played I was just a fucking immediate immediate fan followed him on Instagram and all of that shit. And he didn't post a lot. And, you know, just seemed like he was just all about being an artist and getting better

and everything. So Rodney Holmes, check him out. Check out modern drummer 2005 and just watch that solo that he played. And then go into his catalog and listen to the music that he played with other great musicians. Unfortunately, rest in peace, Rodney Holmes. One of the greatest to ever do it. And with that, like, how do you come out of that?

Speaking to what, speaking of that, I know how to come out of that. There's this great fucking clip of Paul Stanley. And he's talking to the crowd in, so we posted this on Instagram. And Paul Stanley really is one of the great frontmen of all time. And he was, he went to Manchester. And it was around the time when there was that terrorist, attack and everything. So he had to somehow say something, you know, he had to say something because

it was such a tragedy. It was on everybody's mind. And then they got this big show, everybody's there, kind of a little nervous. And he had to say something nice. But then the thing is, he has to go back into the Kiss catalog. So if you find the clip, it's like he says what he has to say to the crowd which they all appreciate and like and then he's got to, you know, he had to walk the line between being

sensitive and being a rock star and he tried he tried to find that middle ground but then the band's catalog betrayed him and he had to go out of saying a moment is silent for all the people that died in the

Manchester bombings and then immediately intro the song lick it up I mean it's just one of the things that makes spinal tap not look like a con it's not a comedic documentary

it's just it's a serious documentary anyway but haven't said that I am a huge huge huge Paul Stanley fan I just I love his voice and you know just as his front man energy you just you know I was never the biggest kiss fan um in fact what was my favorite

song that they did which I still stand by it I think uh now I got like lick it uh is that what it is it's one of the ones off of uh animalize I think it was on the animalize album I know I have it downloaded and I wouldn't I wouldn't even... What is this one? No, that's not it. No, I don't have it. It starts off when he goes,

Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo. My blood boils hot. I got to sing. And feel my temperature rise. Baby, one-da-da-da-da-da-da-da. I'm getting closer, baby. And me, breathe. Down-na.

You always had to breathe in the mic. You always had to breathe in the mic. Oh, that's, feel my heat, taking you high, burn with me, heaven's on fire. Angels cry with desire. That's one, then, no, and now, heaven's on fire. Now, I always thought that maybe boogie nights when Mark Wahlberg and John C. Riley, I was singing that song about heat, that it was based off of that, Feel my heat.

And then they go, he will rock you. My heat will move your soul all day, all night. And I love how you would think that they would say, I feel so right. But they go, all day, all night. You feel my heat. I always thought that that little song that they did and their commitment to it was one of the most brilliant pieces of comedy. Because it should have been all day, all night,

you feel so right. You feel my heat. And I also love that it's a one-syllable word and they make it two syllables. So it sounds even worse. Feel, feel, feel, feel, feel, feel, feel my heat. It's amazing. It's amazing.

That was a song for a long time that my lovely wife and I would sing to each other when we were just having a tough day aware and we needed to make the other person laugh. And lately, Nia's been singing this song that this lady's... I don't know what's going on.

It's like... Remember what Will Farrell would do that character at the keyboards? And he wasn't with Sherry O'Terry. They used to do the cheerleader thing. Who was with him that would... You know, they used to sing together. And they would just sing these bizarre songs.

Well, there's a clip on Instagram, and it's this couple. and they're just singing this fucking song, Taste the biscuit. Something, something with the biscuit. And it makes no fucking sense. It sounds like borderline perverted, like she's singing about her fucking hoo-ha there

and the guy on the keyboard, you know? Like she wants them to go, and it's not. It's literally, I think, I'm like, they're in on the joke, right? And she goes, no, I don't think so. I go, and she's singing about sex? She goes, no, I think she's singing about a biscuit.

All right. This podcast is completely good. on off the rails here. Let's feel, feel, feel. Sorry, let's do some of the reads here for the weeks. Look who it is, everybody. It's old Helix, Helix. You know, there's nothing more important

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I'm going to hit pause here and go make sure my kids didn't fucking destroy the downstairs. All right. All right, and I'm back. It's now Monday morning through time travel. Time travel? Time travel of editing. Yeah, I went out last night. I had some friends in town, and I went down to the comedy store. Had a great time.

Thank you to the comedy store for getting me a little stage time there. Oh, Billy did a little 10, 12 minutes there, shook off some dust, tried some new shit. It's getting geared up this week. I'm doing another set down the store and went over at the Blue Note. And I got to stay shop, dude. Dude, you gotta fucking stay sharp when he got shows at the end of the fucking month there, dude. This is the loudest air conditioner ever.

Let me shut this shit off here. Air conditioner or blow torch? No one really seems to know. So, anyway, what was I going to talk? Oh, you know what I forgot to talk about? Just the added comedy of the World Cup final was when Donald Trump, like, would not leave and wanted to be in the team football.

It wasn't his accomplishment. It had nothing to do with him. And he just, he wouldn't leave. The FIFA guy grabbed his arm like three times and he waited. He got in the middle of their celebration. His dumb ass is in there. Dude, if they're not in your life, if they're not in your life, narcissists are the funniest fucking people ever to watch. And what kills me is the,

level of misery that they bring to everybody in their fucking life, and there's really no information out there for non-narcissists, how to avoid these people, how to spot their behavior. Like, all of those idiots who booed Donald Trump in the beginning, it's just like he loves it. He wanted, you reacted to him. He doesn't give a fuck that you're booing him or cheering him. He just wants you to react.

if you really wanted to bother that guy, if he is the narcissist that he appears, I don't know the guy, right? What you would do is just continue talking amongst yourselves when he was up there, and then when he was off and they put somebody else up there, cheer that person. That would drive him fucking insane.

But I will say, watching him stay until the cameras went, and the cameras were waiting, and then the Spanish team, celebrated and then they had to take the picture and he's standing. Doesn't he makes sense. Oh, it's just it's endless.

There is no situation that a narcissist can be in where it is not 100%. They are the son. I mean, when the head of the league is going, hey, let's go, let's go. This isn't

this isn't our accomplishment. This isn't our time. When the head of the fucking league is even saying that. And he's still hunger. And he still, and I love was he shook him off like two or three times and he got what he wanted. He stayed, he was in the photo. And if you just think about the

context of it, like in the future, it's not going to look, it's just going to be bizarre. Like, why is that guy in this photo? It doesn't make any, it was fantastic. It was fucking fantastic. We were watching the game and I go, he's not leaving.

He's not. he's not going to leave. Then he got his picture and he was still just lingering on that stage. I think he wanted to be like a singer or something. He wanted to be somehow an entertainer. It's a really sad story. The way he behaves, you can see all the love

and hugs he did not get as a child. Sorry, I'm not laughing because I think that's funny that a child didn't get in that shit. It's just that comedian thing where there's a, I don't know, there's something wrong with that. Anyway, plowing ahead. Let's get to your questions here.

Speaking of narcissists, why don't I shut the fuck up? Yeah, yeah, it's fucking right. I love people do that shit. Like, if I make fun of billionaires and people are going like, you know, well, you made a lot of money too. It's like, that's the same thing to you? It's like, you can still be a comedian.

Despite the fact that I'm a comedian, you can still be a comedian. you can become a better comedian. You can outsell me as a, you can eclipse everything that I've ever done. I didn't come over and in and take comedy. Like the Spotify guy took music. I don't go in and like, you know,

I became a comedian and then immediately, you know, once I got to a certain level of ticket sales, fired half of the other comedians, took their yearly salaries as my bonus. And now I am dictating the price. and I'm underpaying all the other comics until I am the only comedian left. Like an Amazon thing.

Like, if you put your shit... Did you see that shit? If you put your shit on Amazon, whatever you sell, you sell a telescope. All right? You have to tell them who made it, who manufactured it, and then they go in,

they do a 3D picture or whatever of what you have, then they go make a cheaper version and fucking compete against yours and put you out of fucking business. They're literally ending the American dream. You know, but people just do,

oh, you fucky! You do a podcast by yourself, doesn't you make you a narcissist? No, it doesn't. It makes me someone who is antisocial who didn't want to have to deal with booking guests and guests getting canceled. If you want to say I'm a hot-headed asshole

who doesn't read, yes, I am guilty of that. I am guilty of that. Anyway, All right, dear Billy oblivious. Oh, Jesus, here it comes. All right, it's coming home. Dear Bill, okay, so, oh, look it.

And I look this up. Now this guy's going to rake me over the calls about this. Dear Billy oblivious. All right, that's an accurate description. That is a great word, huh? Oblivious. That literally sounds like what it is. This guy's fucking oblivious.

Also, underrated. Putting the F word in front of a smart word. And at the level I'm at, oblivious is a smart word. Guys, fucking oblivious. He fucking capitulated. That's how you get away with using a big word in a blue-collar situation. You've got to put a curse word in front of it. Anyway, he said, after hearing your bitching over three podcasts about England singing

it's coming home, was I bitching? I thought I was breaking your balls. I thought I'd email in with some context. Oh, no, not context. Nothing kills a good joke like context. All right, first of all, modern football originates from England. I did look that up. And I didn't look it up because I knew this thing was coming.

I looked it up because I wanted to break your balls more to find out why you guys would say it's coming home. I did it for bad reasons. I didn't do it to educate myself. which is a through line in my life. All right, first of all, modern football originates from England where it evolved from medieval mob football matches

where entire towns would fight in the street over a single ball. Jesus Christ. And then let me guess, people died every time. That's what I always love, but make it great again. It's like you can go back in history to a time when human beings were good to each other.

All right, well, that's wild. This still happens. It happens annually, of course, in a town called Atherston. They call it the Atherston ball game, and groups of people barricade them, get the fuck out of here. People barricade themselves with the ball in the doorways of high street shops whilst. You know, I don't have no idea how to use that word, but I think you crushed it there, buddy. Of high street shop whilst crowds of people try to beat their way in to steal it. It's very violent and a great watch on YouTube.

I don't like, that sounds just like soccer punching and people getting concussed. I don't like that shit. Anyway, the song It's Coming Home was written by a couple of comedians for Euro 1996. Oh, so the song's a joke? England hosted that tournament, so it quite literally was coming home that year

regardless of how well England did. parentheses, we went out in the semifinals as is tradition. All right. Now, I can't hate on England because you guys have a sense of humor about how you guys figure out a way to lose it. Nowadays, it's sung mostly ironically, but also with some hope that we might actually win. One of the lines is literally, never stopped me dreaming. I've been listening to the podcast for over a decade now. I would love it.

We'd love to hear your uninformed takes on the Premier League next season. it starts August 21st. Why did I think that it... Because I don't read. I always thought it like ended... I always thought it fucking ended like in the summertime. It starts in the summertime.

Maybe I'm thinking like CFL football. Like Canadian Football League like starts, I think now and is done by like November or December or some shit. Anyways, with Arsenal versus Coverton. No, Covent Tree. Covent Try. Co-o-oven try Cheers and go fuck yourself

Well thank you for that background Information now I get it Now I get it And any fan base that has a sense of humor About how they have it won I mean I can't hate on them All right well that's it You gave me the information

And now the joke is over All right 70s cop movies Hey Oh Billy Criterion Oh, you should have gone Billy O'Critory. I love your little rabbit holes of classic movie reviews and wonder if you recall a classic dark comedy with Arkin James Conn buddy detective called Freebie in the Bean.

I do remember that. I do remember that. I got to watch that. I remember when it came out, I wanted to see it. It was all kinds of shit. like that Freebie in the Bean, BJ in the Bear, 10 Speed and Brown Shoe. Like, he's like, what the fuck am I watching? But it was all great shit.

Now, the cast alone will take you down memory lane. I love Alex Rocco is the high blood pressure DA and this. But as a kid watching this, I'm a year younger than you. And this came out in 1974. Yeah, I remember that year in movies like Gumball Rally and all of this shit I wanted to go see. you know, I didn't start going to movies until like the late 70s. Anyway, I lost my prepubesept, I can't say, pre-pubescent mind in the final fight scene in a woman's bathroom when James Kahn's character uses a tampon.

Oh wait, spoiler alert, uses a tampon to cover up a bullet hole. And I thought, what a brilliant idea. They are very absorbent. It's got all the classic fight scenes, car chase scenes, and witty banter. Check it out and go fuck yourself. Cheers from Seattle. I am definitely going to watch that. Thank you for the recommendation.

Motorcycle movie. Hey, Bill, I'm a fellow ginger and motorcycle enthusiasts from north of the border. One of my favorite motorcycle movies over the years has been Little Foss and Big Halsey. Dude, everything was Ann back then. Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid, Little Foss and Big Halsey, starring Robert Redford, look at that, and Michael J. Pollard.

It might be worth a watch. I will definitely watch that. All right, look at you guys, two for fucking two. All right, emceeing my first comedy show. Oh, Jesus, he's stepping into the ring. Well, congratulations. Well, actually, it sounds like you've been doing stand-up, but now you're going to host your first show.

Dear Billy Machaglutes, I've been asked to emcee a comedy show in my small town. The only time I've done stand-up was a single open mic before the pandemic. All right, so you're in top form here. I've emceived events before. That's good, but never a comedy show. I'd love your insight as to what makes a good MC,

and what the best MCs are like. Okay, so are you just going to be bringing up the comics? Are there other comics on here? It says it's a comedy show or whatever. I don't know how funny you are and I don't know what your comfort zone is. I'll finish reading this and I'll give you the best advice I can. The person goes on to say.

From what I've read, the MC keeps the crowd loose and the vibe fun, 100%, keeps things flowing through each act. I'd love some advice from the fifth biggest star on F is for Family. Thanks from Canada and go Canuck yourself. Yes, a good MC keeps it loose, keeps it fun, the vibe fun,

and keeps it flowing through each act. 100%. So you have to have the instincts to kind of know what needs to be done in that moment. Some of the best emcees that I've worked with, they always keep the show moving, but sometimes if a comedian does really bad,

they then go up there and they get the crowd back for the next comic. So the next comic doesn't have to go up there and take the beach, as they say. Taking the beach is the first comic on the show, which is usually the MC. So, they get the crowd back,

or if a comic killed really hard, and you know the next person might have a little bit of a difficult time, you just do a few jokes, you kind of like let the crowd settle down. And like, yeah, the best emcees, like, you don't make the show about yourself. The worst emcees I've worked with

will do all kinds of time up front and all kinds of time in between. and they do that to burn out the crowd so they appear like they're the best comic and what they end up doing is just sort of ruining the show I worked with this guy one time I swear to God he did 40 minutes

in between the comics and I was like on what the fuck is this guy doing and the people it was his room and they were like yeah you know he does this he does this and like I mean the show should have been like over and he was bringing up like the third comic

and he had like seven or eight comics it was fucking brutal so yeah what I would do is you know if you haven't done it you've done stand up once first of all how did you get the gig like why would they hire you did you run your mouth and say

you know I did a little standup back in the day I mean we all do that that's something you do is when you're coming up can you do 20 minutes Oh, yeah. No, I got great advice about that. Somebody told me, never lie about your time. Don't ever lie about your time

because you're going to get exposed and there's no shortcuts. Say you got 20 minutes when you got 20 minutes. Don't say you got 20 when you got 12. So what I would do, if I was you, I would go self-deprecating. I would make, you know, just put everything on you. You know, come out there, say hello to some people.

Don't be mean. Don't go up there and think because you're doing stand-up. You got to like fucking chop the heads off everyone in the front row. These are all mistakes I've made. Just go up there and, you know, welcome everybody. You know, playfully interact with the crowd. Make fun of yourself. How you look.

How much your wife does. doesn't love you anymore. These are old tropey things, but it works. Or if you're single, how no women are interested in you, whatever your fucking deal is. I would just do that. And I don't know how many comics you have. I don't know how long the show has to be. But going up front, just welcome everybody, make everybody feel relaxed, set the tone that people are going to have fun. Because a lot of people go to comedy shows and maybe don't want to go there, or they have all of this anxiety that they're going to get absolutely fucking humiliated

by the person on stage, which is kind of why I don't really fuck with anybody in the crowd unless they're disrupting the show or they say something to me. You know what I mean? And if I am going to go into the crowd, if something that somebody's wearing or something,

I try to do it in like a playful way. Like, I wish I'd tape this one time. I remember one time I was I was at the improv in Washington, D.C., see and this guy in the front row was wearing a vest one of those like like like not like a fancy vest like we'd wear with a three-piece suit it was a vest like uh like a winter jacket that has no sleeves and my mother for whatever you know your parents just like they'll go like six Christmases in a row and give you the same gift because they're getting older and they don't want to

think anymore for whatever reason my mother got me like a vest six fucking she got her head. Well, he lives out in L.A. and it gets a little cool at night, so I'll get him a vest. And what I quickly realized about the vest is there's about three days out of the year where it is the right choice. Because what happens is either it's too hot or too cold when you put it on. So either your arms are going to be cold or you're going to be cooking your vital organs. And for whatever reason, the night I was on stage, you know, that was in my head. And I was feeling guilty, I would keep these vests because my mother gave it to me, so I didn't want to get rid of them, but like, I could never figure out when to fuck to wear them.

So I was on stage, you know, and I walked over to the club. I wasn't really clocking the weather, but it was literally the perfect day to wear a vest. And I just saw this guy, I was like, are you wearing a vest? And he thought I was going to shit on it. And I, I, just went on this fucking rant that I could never do again of like how difficult it is, how few days, it's like fucking Haley's comment or something like picking it.

And this motherfucker stuck the landing. Like I, like, it was like I was inducting somebody into the Hall of Fame and it was because he wore a vest. So like, that's like one of the types of things why I absolutely love Will Farrell is how absurd

whatever he's saying, saying is, but how seriously he's delivering it. Or he just does silly thing. I told you, when we did that Mark Twain Award for Conan, my favorite line of the night was, I forget what he was saying to Conan, but he was accusing Conan, of course, of being this selfish, horrible person.

And he tells this crazy story of something that Conan allegedly did. And he was pointing at Conan going, you remember that? You remember that? And Conan's like shaking his head, no. And he goes, oh, you don't remember that and he just goes oh oh that is rich i can't do it the way that he did it but like who the fuck says that is rich he pulled out some old time he's saying from like a hundred years ago but

the commitment and he said it like he just thought everybody says that oh you i don't know it just added this backstory of like who the fuck is this guy like why why would he be saying that is rich i I don't know. Those are the types of things. Like, if you're having fun, the crowd's going to have fun. I don't know what your comedic abilities are. But, like, you know, I will say, if you want to get more work, make it as easy as possible for the next comedian that you're bringing up. You know, as they say back where I'm from, if you're a good shit, you know, people will take care of you.

then the headliner or whatever be like, who is that kid? I like that guy. That guy's cool, you know? You know, I work with him again. And then that's how you get like the ball rolling. You don't get the ball rolling trying to fucking fuck the next person coming on the show. Or the dumbest thing. I remember you used to watch these guys try to blow the headliner off the stage.

It's like, dude, you're not going to do that. You don't have enough time. You just, you can't go up and intend. minutes eclipse what somebody who has 45 minutes to an hour is going to do. It's just not going to happen. And they've gone on after everything. Once you start headlining, I would say even B-rooms. You've pretty much got an answer to whatever situation. There's always a new situation, but you can pull from all of this stuff that you've had to go on after. And also, yeah, you just come off as like a day. I.

Oh, my God. Jesus Christ, this is bringing back memories. The shit people have pulled on me. Going way over their time. Then I like, you know, what they'll do is they'll see your axed. First thing they do is they go over their time, do a lot of local reference shit. This is more if you're just headlining now. Oh, Billy's teaching a comedy class there. Another thing, you know, if you were working with a real fucking petty douche.

is they would sit and watch your act. And then what they would do the next time they went up is they would bring up the subject of like two or three of your best jokes. They wouldn't do your joke, but they would talk about the subject. So when you got up there, it didn't seem as fresh and like new or whatever.

It was just such like a fucking... And I remember watching this guy was doing it to me and I was just like, all right. Wow. Okay. And I didn't do the jokes that he talked about. I had other jokes and I riffed and I still killed. And he did that to me a couple nights in a row.

He tried like four or five different things. You know, that's back when you did Tuesday through Sunday, two Friday, three Saturday. And I used to call that those shows Tuesday through Friday. sometime during the first show Friday night, the opener would quit or the middle. I used to call it breaking the middle, like you're breaking a horse. And once they finally realized

that all their fucking little Bill Lamb beer shit that they're going to be doing wasn't going to work, then all of a sudden they changed their tune and they started acting really nice, asking you if you wanted a drink from the bar, and then would start asking you questions about, and then you just, you know, be nice and cordial back. But like in your head, you're like,

not this, this relationship is over. This is not going to progress any further because you're a cunt. And if you're doing this at this level, what are you gonna do when you actually get a little bit of power? Wow, I haven't thought about that in a long fucking time. Great question, by the way. So there you go. Go up.

Welcome people. People will probably be sitting down as you're get up there. That's what you say. Welcome people. Fine. You say, I'm not going to make funny.

You know, blah, blah, blah. And then once everybody sort of settled in, you do your self-deprecating shit. And then you just end with, all right, you guys having a good time.

You're ready for a good night of comedy. Da-da-da-da. And then you leave. This first person comes to the stage, you do your shit. And then you get out.

And then you're done. There you go. And that's it. And then you fucked. You took your first hit off the crack pipe. And years later, you'll be,

sitting alone in your garage doing a podcast. All right, that's it. That's the podcast. Go fuck yourselves, and I'll check in on you on Thursday.