Monday Morning Podcast - New Orleans, NFL Stadiums, 'Dallas' | Monday Morning Podcast 9-21-26

Episode Date: September 21, 2026

Bill rambles about New Orleans, NFL Stadiums, and televisions 'Dallas'. FreshBooks: Get 90% off - under $3 a month for four months - at http://www.FreshBooks.com/podcast SimpliSafe: Right now, you can get 50% off a new SimpliSafe system at http://www.SimpliSafe.com/BURR FastGrowingTrees: Listeners get 20% off their purchase at www.tress.com code BURR Helix: Go to http://www/helixsleep.com/burr for 27% Off Site-wide  See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Monday morning podcast. So Monday, September 21st, 2006. Six. Thanks. What's going on, Hawaii? Oh, my God, dude. There's like so much shit to talk about.

I'm trying to knock this podcast out before the kids get up. It's 5.30 in the morning. In the morning, in the evening, doing a podcast. That was a fucking hit song back then. In the morning, in the evening, ain't we got fun? You just fucking write a song about being happy. Way before Farrell did it. Boy, he's a jolly good fellow.

You just write happy shit about people. Ain't we got fun? There's another one. Yes, we have no bananas. It's talking about, you know, whatever the fuck's going on at your fruit stand. we got com quads and green beans and rudibaggers but yes we got no bandanas and everybody's like oh my god that song it's so fucking relatable and then meanwhile meanwhile it's like there's all like this horrible shit happening maybe that's why they did it it's denial you had a depression

women were getting the shit kicked out of them because they wanted to vote employees were getting the shit kicked out of them because they wanted a fair wage. That's kind of coming back, huh? If you notice that about protesting, it's like if you go to a protest now, it's like you're not getting 90% chance. You're going to get the shit kicked out of you by somebody. They're going to stick somebody on your side to throw a brick or whatever at the cops.

They do it to everybody now. Even white people. They used to just do that to people who weren't white, who wanted, you know, the same opportunities as white people. You know, it's a pretty pedestrian ask. Anyway, I just got back from New Orleans, and I've never understood the clan, and I understand the clan even less.

If you're in the clan, just go to New Orleans. You know what I mean? I don't know. And if you can't fucking figure it out at that point, I don't know how to help you. Amazing people down there. beautiful people, analog people, playing instruments, food's incredible, super friendly.

I just, I could not have had a better time when I was down there. Every time I go down there, I forget how fucking amazing the goddamn food is. Can't find a salad to save your life, but I got to tell you, man, the fucking red rice and beans, jambalaya, po-boy sandwiches, my God. It was fantastic. Oh, Billy went off his diet a little bit. Went off his diet a little bit. I didn't make it over to the Willie Mays chicken spot.

But I hit every other place and then found a couple coffee spots. Bon of me was great. And then mammoth coffee was fucking outstanding. And anyway, but let's talk. We got to talk football, man. we got to talk football. College football is slowly ramping up. College football, if you're a college football fan,

like my heart goes out to you. First of all, the season is basically two and a half months long. Starts roughly beginning of September and is done Thanksgiving weekend. But it's maybe last, it's like three months long. Okay, when you're probably thinking, well, you know, Bill, back in the day, the NFL football season was three months long.

No, it wasn't. It was always four months long, and then the playoffs. I'm talking about, like, the regular season. But now, like, but college football, it's like the first three weeks are bullshit. You know what I mean? They, at least they're smart enough now where they have, like, you know, they have one real game each weekend because those first three weeks, like, what the fuck am I watching?

Alabama versus the Home Depot All-Stars. before you turn it off, each one of these Home Depot employees play competitive college football at the community college level. Just pay these fucking teams like $10 million to come in and get the shit kicked out of them.

I mean, I know there's like, you know, good games, like that LSU You Miss game was fucking fantastic as much as LSU lost. Fucking Lane Kiffin. I like how he's going, like, I like to be hated, He's finally like,

I'm going to take control of this narrative. It's getting called a fucking whore. I love that that reporter called him a whore. But also, you know, at this point, you know, you know what you're getting with Lane Kiffin. All right? You're dating a stripper. Okay, the second there's more money somewhere else,

he's moving on, which, you know, I don't know. Is that a whore? I mean, that's how all those fucking reptiles go, well, this is how business is done. I mean, he's running out of teams to be on in the SEC. He fucking pissed off everybody in Tennessee. I mean, everybody in fucking Mississippi, or at least half of them.

What the fuck else was he? He was over at Alabama, now he's at LSU. I mean, this guy's like fucking... He's doing Sherman's march through the fucking SEC. I like being hated. That's one of the dumbest fucking things anybody ever says. I like you like me. You enjoy being hated.

You enjoy fucking pissing people off. You enjoy making promises and going back on them. And then everybody flipping out. And then you just go like, you know what? I like that you're upset with me. I would have gone another way and just be like, listen, man, I'm a bit of a wanderer. I don't know what to tell you.

Do you ever used to watch The Hulk? Remember it every episode? Bill Bixby would be walking away with his backpack and he'd be hitching a ride. I mean, I'm kind of like that. I'm like the coaching version of that. Anyways, getting back to college football. So you had like that game, which was fucking fantastic.

He had the Vanderbilt game, which was amazing. But then, like, every other game, it was like, like Oregon won 89. nothing. You know, I was fucking doing some prison workout shit in my hotel room and I got the Ohio State game on. They were up 59 and nothing at one point. And then the big thing is they gave up interneception at Kent State comes roaring back to get a field goal. Final score, 59 to 3. Fucking game was over in the first quarter. But now it's getting, now it's getting good though. Now it's getting exciting. But, you know, I am happy the kids are getting paid. But they're getting paid now.

So give them a fucking game. Give them a goddamn game. Can you imagine, I mean, I don't know what. That should be their next move. Because they got a playoff now, and as much as fucking people are going to keep whining every year if they don't make it, Ohio State. What do they got now?

Like three rounds of playoffs or whatever? I mean, whatever, like six fucking teams, eight teams make it. I mean, I don't know what to tell you. That's about as good as it gets. The kids are getting paid. That's good. If they added, if those motherfuckers added, I think they're going to do it. If they just came out like week one, I know you got to save like the Alabama Auburns,

the fucking USC, UCLA games for Thanksgiving weekend. That's great that they do that. But I mean, come on. Now that you're going to have these super fucking conferences, can we do away with this three weeks of, you know, watching a target open up a crowd. across the street from a vintage clothing store. Or maybe it's the metaphor. Maybe they're trying to get us to wake up.

I have no idea. I'll tell you what the other stupid thing is, is at the NFL level, which, by the way, I mean, this has been my favorite football season in a long time. There's just been so many fucking great games. This bullshit about new football stadiums is the biggest fucking crock of shit. new baseball stadiums, new hockey and basketball facilities at the pro level

is all complete fucking bullshit. If we're going to compete, we have to have a facility that is updated. We have rats in the cellar and our workout rooms, and they just made up all of this fucking bullshit. And look, if you're Robert Kraft and you fucking pay for it yourself, God bless you.

All right, I don't have a problem with it. But to make taxpayers pay for this shit, and say that, you know, if we don't have this fucking thing, we're not going to be able to compete and win a championship. The fucking Green Bay Packers have won four Super Bowls and 11 NFL titles playing in the same dump. Fucking Curley from the Three Stogers played in the 1920s. Whatever the guy's name, Curly Lambo.

Not Curly Neal. Not Curly Howard, Curly Lambo. You know, and if you go over it like the Kansas City Chiefs, All right, they won four fucking Super Bowls at Arrowhead Stadium. They didn't need that brand new fucking thing. And the Buffalo Bills didn't win in their last one. Guess what? They're not winning in this one.

No, I'm kidding. Yeah. I'd just been seeing like the Buffalo Bills have a brand new stadium. The Kansas City Chiefs have a brand new stadium. And that's kind of it. they're all other than Lambo field the fucking bears kind of have a restome mod

where underneath is a hundred years ago and on top is an abomination and then he got the Superdome which I think very quietly is one of the best stadiums in the NFL but anyway like everybody has a new stadium are the Jaguars still playing in that like

what is it the Florida who do you have? plays out. Florida Gator, Georgia football stadium. That's the one that I went to. But we never needed to make all of these. And it's like fucking 100 degrees out. It's almost like October 1st. And we just keep fucking building shit. What was wrong with Arrowhead? Arrowhead was fucking incredible. It was one of the loudest stadiums in the NFL. I don't understand. And they build this big stupid thing. It kind of looks like Arrowhead. except now you have all the dumbass luxury boxes and all of that shit.

It's, I don't know. They should have paid for those fucking things. But anyway, the football season has been great. My New England Patriots looked fantastic. Our defense looked great. That Gonzalez kid is shutting everybody down. Drake May is looking great. I got a little bit of a running game.

You know, I was happy to get our first victory of the year. I saw the Kansas City Chiefs game. Patrick Mahomes and what's his face? Daniel Jones going at it back and forth, went into overtime. Does Kansas City's run defense need a little work? Or is the Colts offensive line that good? There was a couple touchdown, Jonathan Taylor. Like, the guy just went in untouched.

It looked like one of those, you know, when they have like a make-a-wish thing and, you know, the kid runs and everybody pretends to try to tackle him, it looked like that. Except it was a game. I don't know. The Colts, I don't know. I was impressed with the way that they played and I liked their coach too. And it was good to see Patrick. Look, Patrick Mahomes is back, which is fucking great for the NFL. And, dude, the guy finally got, he finally got a good haircut.

He's actually a hair cut. handsome dude. He finally got rid of whatever that fucking Muppet haircut that he had. I'm sure it was cool when he was at Texas taxing in college, having sort of the, you know, the weird college ID, but he kept it until he was almost 30. Then my favorite thing was when Travis Kelsey caught a touchdown, and then they cut to Taylor Dane, and she's fucking pointing at her wedding ring like, yeah, I married that motherfucker, and was doing her celebration. My favorite part was at the last second. when she does the little glance up

was they on the jumbo chart but they also they didn't cut to her every time which I thought was cool but they never showed Patrick Mahomes' wife once can you believe I'm talking about this?

This is what it's like to watch a Chiefs game and then I would think you know one of their wide receivers is like well how come they never show me is it because I'm not somebody's white wife I mean they're digging a hole for themselves out there pretty soon they're gonna have to show whoever the place kick is banging

um anyway um but you know I was watching the most of the game I watched on the plane ride back from New Orleans so I had like the sound down um because I don't like using those fucking earbud things that they jamming your fucking ear

you know, on the plane. And it looked to me like the, the chiefs had two good running backs. And then that number 10 guy was going off. And like the fourth quarter was just like unstoppable. Then they kept cutting to the other dude, the other running back. Like there was like some sort of running back controversy, which I don't know. I don't know why they were trying to start that shit. They both looked great to me.

And at one point, Daniel, Jones was running out of bounds and he got hit at least once, if not twice, by two different players out of bounds and they didn't call a late hit. And the coach was flipping out and I started going, oh, fuck, they're not going to do this shit again. Are they going to reboot the chiefs, you know, to get them there? And with Taylor Swift and all of them. But then, like, they called like two horrific pass interference calls.

against the Chiefs on number eight, I think it was. I don't know the names. I'm old. And the worst one ever. They got to stop with this shit. When the quarterback underthrows the ball, yes, I'm going to talk about this again. I do this every fucking year. When the fucking quarterback under throws a football and then the receiver just stops and

fights his way through the quarterback, that should be either offensive pass interference or an incompletion. And instead, they call it defense. Pass interference and they basically reward the quarterback for a bad ball for not having the arm strength to get it there or the accuracy or they were and they reward the receiver for interfering with the defensive player it's fucking ridiculous um but anyways that was a great game fucking san diego chargers lost again what the fuck um and i also watched the bill's game Thursday night and And, you know, because I'm mature. I don't care that they fired me as a coach. I can still like that team.

I did find myself kind of rooting for everybody yesterday. I think, I don't know. At some point I just realized, you know what? We had our Tom Brady Bill Belichick era. We went to fucking, I don't know, eight or nine and one six. It's not going to get better than that. And now we got Rabel, Drake May and all of these guys. And, you know, we already went to a Super Bowl, got our asses kick.

But like, I'm, you know, I'm fucking, I'm not going to sit here and hate on the bills. I hope they win it. I like that the Jets are good. Even though they kind of blew the game yesterday. But still, you know, it's good to see them competitive. I hope the dolphins rebuild, even though they would always beat us at least one game a year. I don't know. I just don't have it in me anymore.

I don't hate the Chiefs anymore. I don't hate that they're cut into Taylor Swift. I'm still going to make fun of it. I don't give a fuck. I love that she was pointing to a wedding ring. Like the whole world doesn't know that she married the guy. It's like you guys, you guys both perform in arenas. You perform in football stadiums.

That's as big as it gets in live entertainment. As far as selling tickets, You have a husband and a wife that, that, has that ever happened? That's kind of fucking amazing. Oh my God, Live Nation. Well, she kicked the shit out of Live Nation. Those fucking guys, Jesus Christ, the fucking shit they do, those people that put the yonder bags, because they're all fucking monopolies.

And they're just constantly upping the prices, adding surcharges. They just skim on every, they try to take an extra nine, 10 grand anywhere they can. They fuck me, they fuck the fans, and nobody's doing anything about it's unfucking, especially in this fucking economy to be doing that to people. These ticketing agencies,

they all do this, this fucking shit. It's like, well, you get your foot off of people's throats. These are your own countrymen, you fucking treasonous cunts. Unbelievable. Anyway. So, um, I got to perform at the, oh, the fucking Red Sox clinched a playoff spot.

I think we're going to be playing the Yankees, so that's going to be fucking amazing. Uh, it was all good, man. It was all fucking good. And Pedro Acosta won his first Moto GP after crashing Saturday in the sprint, and it was totally his fault. Dude, I, it's a bit a long time since I've seen somebody. like that happy. Maybe a girl earlier this year.

And the two of them, they're just the future of the sport. It's going to be fucking unbelievable. And next year, when Pedro goes over to Dukadi, and he's going to be going up against Mark Marquez, it's going to be fucking crazy. And then the sprint on Saturday, Jorge Martine was like, fuck this. After a terrible fucking start.

He was able to work his way through the field. I haven't seen. I just saw highlights. I have to watch both races, but MotoGP is fucking crazy this year. And speaking of that on yesterday, on Sunday, me and Dean Del Rey stuck around for an extra half a day to ride motorcycles on this racetrack. And Freddie Spencer, Fast Ferrisen. Eddie Spencer has like a school that he does.

And he gave us an abridged version of it because he was in town, came out to the show. And he took us around the track, each time a little faster, showing us his trail-breaking technique and all that. I still cannot believe that it happened. We were riding on Yamaha M-T-09 SP. I was a really fun, nimble bike.

I love that. And then it was a guy that makes custom motorcycles. I don't know his last name, J.T. He brought over a 1977 Harley-Davidson shovelhead. And I got to ride that thing too, which was really fun. And I wrote a BMW RS 1250, which I did not need to ride that bike because I was just like, oh, fuck. I got to get one of these.

But I've never been stupid with vehicles. I want to own all of every dream car that I've ever wanted. I want to own all of them. But I'm never going to own them all at the same time. I fucking refuse to be that fucking idiot, you know, with like 10 fucking motorcycles or whatever. You just, you own them, you ride them, and then you sell them or you drive them. I learned that from Dean.

Dean's had every fucking car and motorcycle you could ever fucking want. and he has all the pictures. He's had him fucking all. But he just has him one at a time. He gets him and then he sells him and then he gets something else rather than hanging on to him. I know guys like that.

You go in and they got like this little garage and they got like fucking all of these things with these chargers hooked up to the batteries. It's just like, dude, fuck that. I mean, unless that's all you do, I get it. But anyway, it was so much fun And once again, like all the stuff that I learned is a comedian, that I've learned drumming,

and I've learned flying. It all applies to ride in a motorcycle, too. It's all like the same principles. It's obviously, it's a different thing. Like playing drums, riding a motorcycle is different, but the laws of physics are the same. So the shit that you've learned on this one thing, on that thing, you just slide it over and apply and I had so much goddamn fun. I still cannot believe that that happened.

And then on one lap, Freddy puts you on the back of the motorcycle and you get to watch how he, like, that guy going behind him. And, you know, we were only doing like maybe like 90 on this straightaway. It's like we weren't going like super, super fast. But like when you rode behind him, you couldn't even, if the brake light didn't go on, you wouldn't even know that he, put on the brakes, it was so smooth in his timing. And even like his shifting, you would know that he was downshifting.

It was like the bike was just gliding around the track. And you were doing everything you could to try and, you know, keep up or whatever. You know, without obviously riding outside of your ability. But he put me on the back and like he, when he applies the brake, he only just like starts to apply it and then he just leaves it. it. He doesn't, he's not still applying it. Like the front shocks are not like compressing. There's none of that. You just sort of fucking gradually slow down. I don't know how from the super high speed. And he just down shifts. He uses the engine. The whole, he does everything at the exact perfect moment.

And then he just leans and the bike just goes into the fucking corner. And then he gradually comes off. The break, as he starts rolling on the throttle, and, like, he goes into the turn in the gear that he wants to come out of it. And that's another thing that I noticed that, like, there was times where I was thinking he's going to shift, and he didn't. And he would let the RPMs come up high, and then he would do that, that perfect, you know, application of the break and going into the turn. and he would just come out the other side and it was just, it was smooth as butter. It was fucking incredible.

And I thought he was going to scare the shit out of me. You know, right on the back, there's like really nothing to hang on to. So, but it didn't. It was so smooth and so fucking fascinating. It was incredible. So anyway. that was my two, three days in, um, in New Orleans. And, uh, like I said, I couldn't have had a better time. And, and coming up, I got October 17th, I will be headlining the fastball comedy festival

in Mesa, Arizona at Sloan Park. Um, also, I mean, I mean, it's an all-star show. Like everybody could be headlining. I'm working with Rachel Feinstein, one of my favorite people in this business. She's so goddamn funny. And the great Tom Segora is going to be coming in, too. I haven't seen him. I'm trying to think last time I saw him. I don't know. All those guys moved to Texas, and I never see him anymore. You know, it used to be people would move back to New York and then you'd run into because you go back to New York and there's the whole like stand-up scene and all that but like all those guys moved to Texas

I don't fucking see any of them unless I'm doing something like this so that's cool it's going to be great to see him October 17th Fastball comedy festival in Mesa, Arizona Sloan Park it's going to be fucking awesome and I got a bunch of new crazy shit that I've been doing that I'm pretty excited about

all right that's it. Oh Billy Good vibes here all right plowing ahead Oh, and for my memory, every year. I'm starting to play like these memory games. Reading all of this stuff about how you don't lose your mind. So I went and I had to like memorize all the starting quarterbacks. In the NFL.

And I got to tell you, the NFC is fucking crazy because they got a Jackson, Jalen, Jaden, Jared, and Jekori. It's like when I was a kid There was Bill, Bob, Brian You know, a bunch of B names I guess Jay was the fucking name All right, I got to do it Can I do my rain man shit?

My little brain exercise here All right, we'll start with New England Patriots I'm not going to name the teams I'm just going to go through, okay, the Patriots said Drake me Josh Allen Gino Smith Jackson Dart

Jaylen Hertz Aaron Rogers Lamar Jackson and Jaden Daniels Oh here's another good new name Bryce Young Cam Ward

I can never say this guy's name He went to Atlanta Tawa Tago Vowaliyah Trevor Lawrence Baker Mayfield Oh fucking who do the dolphins have Willis

I keep forget I can't remember his name because with an M and then Joe Burrow Deshawn Watson Jared Goff Daniel Jones Caleb Williams, who unfortunately got hurt.

Also, oh my God, what's his face? Dislocated his elbow again. I guess Tom Brady said, oh, shit. Oh, man. Poor fucking guy. Jordan Love, Kyla Murray, Patrick Mahomes, Dak Prescott, C.J. Stroud. Bo Nix.

Chikori Bruchette. Oh, fuck. Come on, Bill. The Raiders. Who do they got? Kirk Cousins. Raiders are fucking 2-0. Fucking amazing.

Justin Herbert, Matthew Stafford. Oh, fuck. Perdy. Brock, don't say I'm not Purdy. Sam, gosh, darnall. There you go. Did it.

Then I'm going to do the running backs. Then I'm going to do the wide receivers. I used to do this shit. He used to do with, like, football cards when he could actually collect football cards. You can have the whole season. You can memorize all of this shit. It's an easy thing to do because I love sports, obviously.

I don't know. That's my little brain game. If you've seen these stupid fucking workout videos where people like, not only am I working out my fucking body, I'm also working out my brain at the same time. They're doing jumping jacks while fucking throwing a tennis ball up

and catching it with their other hand. It's just, I just refuse to believe that that's a real thing. That just seems like it's just clickbait horseshit. I was watching a guy and it goes, And it says, you're 49 years old and you're doing this exercise. And for the first time you're working out your body and your brain. I love just how that's written. You're 49 years old.

No, I'm not. I'm 58. You're doing this exercise. No, I'm not. I'm watching this guy. And it was this fucking guy. It was like he was in the down dog thing and position in yoga. And he had all his weight on his right and left foot.

And then it was like he was going, putting, then he would like jump. It was all in his left hand and he would push off and it would go to his left foot and then he would push off to his right foot and then to his right hand like almost like a hockey puck that was like wobbling and gradually settling.

This fucking guy was doing this. And I'm looking at it and I wanted to believe in it and then I just burst it out laughing. I go, you know, I've lived long enough to know that a lot of times If it looks like bullshit, it usually is. I think learning how to juggle

or like, you know, learning a language, learning an instrument, I think you can do shit like that. I'll tell you, my grandmother played bridge her whole life and did her own books, and she was sharp as attack right up until the end, almost 105. All right, let's do,

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All right. Okay, here's something for you. This weekend, man, I had all of this fucking anxiety. And I thought that it had to do with this Facebook movie coming out. You know, it's a big movie and I don't know. Like this whole being in this business is a weird thing. And with each thing, it gets a little bigger and, you know, brings on like fucking anxiety

like it's weird like positive or negative like reactions it always brings on like it's all the same feeling it's weird so that's what I thought it was so I was like all anxious and I go all right I must be nervous about this movie coming out it's a big movie

it's an Aaron Sorkin movie and with all these fucking big actors in it and shit maybe I just maybe that's what the anxiety is coincidentally enough I also stop fucking smoking weed and I don't know why right before I went on stage in New Orleans I just looked up side effects in the first week you experience irritability and anxiety um and I was just like wow evidently I smoke weed often enough to have side effects I don't like this shit so um I

I don't know. I'm like, it's weird. Once I read that, though, once I kind of knew the reason why, I went out and had a great set. And then the next day I rode fucking motorcycles and it was like exhilarating and shit. I haven't had any anxiety. But I think it's what they said for the first four to seven days, that's what it's like. So now it's gone. And the reason I was saying, like, can you grow your own weed? Because I just think the weed now, like, everything that they make, they design it to be addictive. And politicians don't do anything to stop it. It's like it's really fucking bad. So here's yet another thing that I have to quit. So I stop with that shit. So now I'm just back to Billy Raw Dogg. Just taking life in the face every day. Fucking stone sober.

I'm off cigars. You know, those things got out of control again. always do. I just, how I'm wired, and it's designed to be addictive. And guess what? I'm here to tell you, it fucking works. And I'm ashamed of myself. You know, I went eight months last year without smoking cigars. I never should have went back. But then it's like, what do I got? I got nothing. The fuck do I do. But then when I think when I was a little kid, I had nothing. I didn't drink coffee. Didn't start your day with coffee. Fucking afternoon cigar smokes a weed or fucking drink a six-pack, you were happy.

Shit was new. But I will tell you this, man, if I could have every fucking day like I had riding a fucking motorcycle around a racetrack, maybe that's what it was. I think maybe because when you were a kid, everything was exciting because it was new.

And as an adult, you get busy and you get tired and you stop trying new things. So all of a sudden, the dopamine doesn't happen. And then you need like these artificial things you know do a line of coke yeah you know the same feeling you had like outdoor recess woo you know to get that feeling as an adult you got to do some blow i don't know thank god i i stayed i never got into that i stayed away from all of that shit all the all the the dark drugs i stayed although i was with alcohol which is a depressant so

anyway so i kind of laid off that shit and And I don't know. You know, the shit everybody already knows. You sleep better, you feel better. Like last night. Oh, yeah, me and Nia downloaded every episode of Dallas for $15. Okay, safe to say residuals are over. And I've downloaded this series.

I swear to God, because I thought I could watch it as a goof and me and Nia were going to laugh at it. Dude, it's fucking great. It's fucking great. The writing is great. The acting is great. Dude, Larry Hagman is J.R. Ewing. I fucking hated that guy like eight minutes into the show.

And there's like 270 episodes. And I never used to watch it. I never watched it when I was a kid because I just wasn't interested in it. It was sort of like a soap opera type of thing. And primetime soap opera. And I remember when I used to always watch the beginning because I loved the theme song.

song. And then my favorite part of the beginning was, well, first they were doing like this sort of like these wipe edits, but they would have like three shots going at the same time. Sort of like the Kojak intro thing. And one of them, they filmed into Dallas. Cowboys, their old stadium, which I'm sure the NFL now would not allow you to do unless you played a licensing fee, you get that, and all that bullshit. But back then, they probably looked at it like, all right, promote the NFL, fantastic. And I loved the Dallas Cowboys when that show came out.

I was a tech sham, Tom Landry, Tony Dorset, Roger Starback, Billy Joe Dupree, John Fitzgerald, Bob Bruning, D.D. Lewis. Ed Too Tall Jones, Harvey Martin, Billy Joe Dupree, Preston Pearson, Drew Pearson, Golden Richards, Tony Hill, Danny White, Charlie Waters, Cliff Harris, Dallas Cowboy Fan. I was from that era. And then once they became... When it went into that, I was just sad. I was kind of like the first time I saw something iconic. And when Tom Landry got fired, it was just like, what the fuck? And that was the end of the era.

He was the last NFL coach to wear a fedora during a game. I always thought, you know, when they do like those cool, and they'll do like a throwback jersey. Like, I always thought it'd be cool with the head coach. Some head coach must have done that. Because I've noticed with like all these new head coaches, like the bills. I don't know the guy's name yet.

I'm going to get that down. Oh, Billy, remember. memory games. The Bill's coach, youngest coached in the league, the guy's 36 years old. He was born in 1990. That is, it's insane.

Like, how are you that successful? Like, this guy's got to be a genius. And by the way, I didn't talk about the bills, man. Like, Josh Allen, he's always been a beast and one of the toughest guys sort of like a Ben Rothesberger like you know it takes a couple of guys

to take the guy down but now he's got the experience I don't know that would be unreal to see the bills win the Super Bowl would be so fucking great I wish they did it in rich stadium though that would have been great

or maybe they needed to finally get rid of it that's another thing too like new baseball stadiums like the fucking Yankees they weren't won like, they won 26 of their 27 World Series in the house that Babe Roof built. Like, why did you need a new one? Now you got this fucking new one. They haven't won since.

It's the players. It's your manager. It's your coaches. It's your ownership. It's your GM. That's what wins your championship. Not a new fucking facility. We're having some guy behind glass carving fucking stakes.

It's so goddamn stupid. Anyway. so Billy fucking I don't know fucking living a clean life it's good though it's a good thing I'm just gonna fucking lay off for a while

laying off the cigars I gotta find something else but then what am I do just fucking sit here and I don't know if I in the perfect world if I could just do one cup of coffee a day oh I will say I enjoy it more

when I just have one become special right? I don't know Dude there's a fucking war out there man They just want you to be addicted to shit And I'll tell you it is working In my life So now like

I know what I'll do To stay sober I'm going to do that fucking That exercise I saw That that puck settling down thing that that guy was doing I got to repost it It's the most ridiculous thing

I've never seen in my life you're just looking at going like buddy like the wear and tear on your wrist elbows shoulders all your joints he was just on the floor as a fucking 49 year old man making sure that his hips

shoulders wrists elbows were all going to be knees were all ankles I mean he didn't miss the joint he's like we're going to fuck all this shit up um anyway have I even

told you, like, for the longest time, I've had a desire to learn how to juggle those bowling pins. I always thought that was cool as shit when two guys were facing each other and they were telling jokes and they were throwing the pins at each other. It combined the two things I love, you know, sports, hand-eye coordination and comedy. I was never an elitist when it came to being a comedian. I love guitar acts. I was like, that guy can fucking. and play. He sounds good. You know, you're going to tell me tenacious D isn't funny? Oh, by the way, by the way, tragedy averted, speedy recovery to Caratop. He truly is one of the nicest people I've ever met in or out of this business. And the dude is funny as hell. I've always

thought he was hilarious and I never got into that that stupid elitist horrid shit like you know dude when I started comedy like it was so bad the elitist thing it was just like you know true stand-up comedy is you don't even have to move you just

you just stand on stage telling your jokes like it got to the point like they started like making fun of like joke writers were like looking down on a he's a performer like if you just like sort of walked around when you were up there

instead of just like standing I mean listen I I think it's amazing that people have the ability to do that but you know like I'm not going to discount all that so anyways the first time I met carrot top Scott right the first time I met him was at the comedy connection in fanuel hall in like 1994 and uh I think I had done a gig or something so I ran in to go see him because this is right when he was starting to blow up and this guy's been famous for like over 30 years and i came in you know in all of these older comics and all you know that i looked up to everybody was all oh it's guys a fucking prop comic and blah blah blah and all of this shit and i went and i saw him and he was fucking hilarious and he came off stage and i said hello to him

When I was young, I didn't know, like, I don't know why it's such a stupid question I asked him, but, you know, he had headlined. And for some reason, I asked him how much time he did because that's what was always asked about a new comic. Oh, you're a new comic? Yeah, yeah. Where you're from? How much time you got? And that was the big thing. Don't lie about your time.

Don't have 10 minutes to say you can do 20. You're much better to just say, I can only do 10. I can't do that 20-minute gig because they didn't, you know, you know, piss people off. So for whatever fucking reason, I asked this headliner. I said to him, I said, I go, oh, you just said, you headlined here. I go, congratulations. He goes, thanks. I go, how much time did you do?

And he said, three trunks. And I remember, I just immediately love the guy. I was like, that's funny. A, that's funny. And then B, he has a sense of humor about himself. and I don't know what he's going through or whatever, but I mean, I don't know. My heart goes out to the guy,

and I'm happy that he's still with us because he really is a phenomenal comedian. He's a total original, and he's one of the nicest guys I've met. So there you go. All right, with that, I've run my mouth so much. I only have time here. Oh, by the way, I also wrote,

his opening joke for when he comes back. I'm going to try to send it to him if I can't. It's a comedian thing. All right. Okay, I got time to rewind. Okay, Belfast. Dear Good Bill Cunting. Oh, my God, that's fucking amazing.

Good Bill Cunting. Holy shit. All right. Dear Bill, dear good Bill Cunting, I'm telling Neer that the second she wakes up. And also, Andrew, I was at your sold-out show

at Ulster Hall, Belfast in July. It was fucking great, and so much of the material seemed to be improvised. Oh, I was, yeah, no, I was feeling it that night. Well, I mean, that's like such a, a legendary venue. And also to be there, like,

I don't know. Anytime I'm in another country, it's always extra special that people show up. It's just like, I can't believe you guys, you know, you understand that these streaming services and the internet are international, but like when you actually see the results of it,

it's like, it's crazy. And also, that's, I always say, this, that venue is the first place. Led Zeppelin ever performed Stairway to Heaven live. It was before the unnamed Zeppelin 4 album came out. All right, plowing ahead here. Anyway, this guy said, I thought you would appreciate some history on Ulster Hall. Oh, he says it right here. It's the first venue where Zeppelin ever played Stairway to Heaven Live,

and it's where John Hume and David Trimble were brought on stage by Bono in 1998 as the two guys who won the Nobel Peace Prize for ending the Northern Ireland. conflict in 1998. Holy shit. All right. Well, why was the U-2 guy there? What did he have to do with it? Did he sing?

I still haven't found what I'm looking for. You know it ended, but both people weren't happy. Anyway, I don't want to start that shit up again. It's actually designed specifically for orchestras, hence the perfect rectangular floor, dome ceiling, and the big-ass fucking church organ behind the stage. Dude, you describing Ulster Hall is literally bringing me back there.

I don't know why. Like, certain venues just get you. And I have a vivid memory of that place and of what it sounded like, where you stand when you're waiting to go on stage. And I don't know. just kind of the whole thing. Anyway, continue on. As a side note,

I'm the Billy Tribute Act who you met out back at the stage door. You were cool enough to stop for a handshake, a smiley photo with me, and you thank me for being a twice, I think you meant to write, geekly podcast listener.

Always meet your heroes, man. Anyways, thanks and go fuck yourself. P.S. time you're back here, check out my hometown dairy. It's right out the border. It's where troubles started and it has history out the wazoo. I'll definitely check that out. That's such a terrible thing that happened there. That shit, like, it just hangs around. It's like we had a civil war in our country, what was it, 160 fucking years ago. And we still never, I remember we moved to North Carolina, my family, 87, 88.

And we went down there. And we were all like sea level students. And we went down there and got straight A's because their curriculum was like two, three grades behind. And it was done by design. Like after the North One, they deliberately punished the South. And it's so fucking stupid. I mean, I'm sure it's not like that now with the Internet and everything, but it was like, it was wrong.

And it's been oversimplified that like the South like slavery and the North didn't. It was like, no. Everyone was profiting off of that. And if the North, I mean, it was, the North was fucking with the South on representation in like, as far as what. I read in the government and all of that. And like, there's always like, you know, the hero reason. Like, acting like white people in the fucking 1800s in the North weren't fucking racist.

They're still racist. Like, the level of fucking racism that this nitwit who's running our country. And I got to be honest with you, too, really, like, I've been like beside myself going, like, I cannot believe this guy's not getting just for that alone. getting impeached. Like, why would you bring that ugliness back? And, you know, where's all the president's men? Where is it?

It's gone. Like, there's no journalism anymore. It's completely gone. So this guy is, I actually noticed on my phone today or yesterday in the Google Maps that it actually says the Gulf of America in Lake America. It's so stupid. Does he not realize that Mexico, the United States, Panama, all of those countries, all the way up to Canada,

okay, Nicaragua, all of that, that all is, that makes up North America. And all those countries in South America make up South America, and together we are the Americas. we're the United States of America. We're not America. So as much as he hates Mexicans

and he wants to take Mexico off of there, what he should have said was the Gulf of the United States, Lake United States, not America. Like, the level of fucking dumb. And once again, I am not shitting on being, conservative or being a Republican. I'm just, you know, it's like sports teams.

It's like I'm rooting for this fucking team. Let's get a quarterback that can play the position. That's all I'm saying here. We just got a new helipad. Helipad, it's where helicopters land. This is, that guy has his finger on the button. I don't know. Like, the Democratic Party has not let Democrat.

I've said this a many time. He's literally not let. Democrats pick who they want to run for president since the first term of Obama. That was almost 20 years ago. We want Bernie Sanders. Fuck you, Hillary. We want Bernie Sanders. Fuck you, Mr. Magoo.

Get Mr. Magoo out of there and have Kamala. Fuck you. Mr. Magoo until like two minutes left in the fourth quarter. It's fucking, I don't. They're all fucking idiots. I don't know what to tell you. Anyway, that's it, man. That's the podcast.

I don't know, I had a great fucking time in New Orleans. And it's one of my favorite cities. Oh, you know, I did Paul Verzi's podcast. And we were talking about best uniforms in sports. And one of the things I forgot to bring up is the Saints uniform, that all black with the gold numbers and the gold helmet is the shit. All right, that's it. I got to go.

I gotta go make the breakfast here. Okay, that's the podcast. Go fuck yourselves. And I'll check in on you on Thursday.