Monday Morning Podcast - NFL Hall of Fame, Live Sports, Childhood Music | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 1-29-26

Episode Date: January 30, 2026

Bill rambles about the NFL Hall of Fame, live sporting events, and childhood music. (00:00) - Thursday Afternoon Podcast (31:46) - Thursday Afternoon Throwback 1-29-18 - Bill rambles with comedian Todd Rexx.

Hey, what's going on? It's time for the Monday morning podcast for Monday. Fuck you. No, for Thursday. Sorry, it's a Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcast. And I'm just checking in on you. What's going on? How are you?

I'm watching the late today. My apologies. I mean, it's Thursday afternoon where I'm living there. I'm watching the Bruins, the replay of the, I recorded Nashville, Boston, which I already know the score. I think we won three, two, and overtime. And what's his face? Morgan Geeky got his 30th goal.

He scored five goals, last five games. That's great. I was getting caught up on Bruins games. You know, it was funny when they played the Canadians over the weekend. I didn't realize. I thought it was hockey night in Canada feed. I think it was actually the announcers for the Canadians. So they were like pro-Can.

Because I was sitting there, listen to the game. going, Jesus Christ, I get it, you're from Canada. What's going on here? Like, we actually scored a goal on a rebound. Somebody threw it across the crease. The goalie sticks his, you know, pat out, goes off his skate for a sweet rebound, and we score. And the color guy goes, he goes, oh, that was a heck of a tour saved by Montembowl.

When he was doing, and he never even said that we scored. The main guy did, the color guy, when he was talking about the play, He goes, oh, you know, he throws it across to create a heck of a to say by Monterebo. And then there was another one that first line left winger who had the hat trick for the Canadians. By the way, the Canadians look great, man. They're fucking fast. And that kid, Cole, whatever, had a hat trick, pure hat trick. And he scored one of those like no angle goals, you know, where what's his face is like, you know, hug in the post.

and there's like a puck-sized opening, like, above his right shoulder. The guy's still something, like shot it off his fucking neck and into the thing. And the color guy, once again, and Pasternak was in the box for interference. And they cut to like the gold, and they show Pasternak coming out of the box,

and the color guy's like, oh, and David Pasternak's like, oh, how did that go in? Pasternak, who scores goals like that all the fucking time, is blown away. He's more like, I can't believe you called interference on me. I'm one of the best guys in the league. I thought I was allowed to do that. I could see that.

Like, oh, what did you call interference for? I score 30 to 60 goals of fucking season. I could see that. But according to this color guy, he's in awe of this fucking... I mean, actually, he is a really good player, but I'm just saying, you know, it was ridiculous. I will say this about Parsonok. Forget about his goal-scoring ability and his... is the unbelievable assist that he had.

Yeah, there's incredible assists in the Canadian game. That guy's ability to use his fucking body to shield one, two, sometimes three defenders. I don't mean how he does it away from the puck. His body is always between himself and the defender, the puck and the defender, and then he's got his head up. And I think, I don't know,

I'm only watching Bruins games, but as far as I've seen everyone we're playing, Nobody's passing the puck better than that guy. So no disrespect to the color commentator of the Canadians. I really don't think he was in the box going, oh, how did he score that goal? How did he get the puck out? Oh, I love that guy.

That I have more goals than. Anyways, what was I going to say? I had a bunch of people ask me about Bill Belich. not getting into the Hall of Fame. And I thought that was absolutely fucking hilarious. And I thought it was fitting. I thought it was fitting to his career, where he was never given any respect.

All people did. I'd never seen a guy, like, so brilliant, just get shit on the entire fucking time he was, you know? Bill Parcells never won a Super Bowl without Bill Belichick as his defensive coordinator. He won six as a head coach, two is a defensive guard. The guy's got eight fucking rings.

All he's got left of his thumbs. That's all he's got left. And they're still shitting on the guy. You know, all the butt hurt fucking sports writers because Bill Belichick wouldn't give him anything because he knew anything that he said they were going to blow up. Like the same way they blew up those stupid accusations

against the Patriots and they completely blew them out of proportion and they straight up fucking lied and made a mountain out of a molehill. Oh, they made a mountain out of a molehill. And then let Jim Ursa skate. It was the biggest fucking scumbag in the league. So what's really going on here is not so much a Bill Belichick slight, as much as it's a life lesson.

Everybody out there, if you're out there, if you're going after a dream, part of being successful is what you're, seeing what happens to Bill Belichick, you know? If you're a happy, confident person, you're happy for another human being's success. If you're not, you resent them. You resent them. And unfortunately, what comes with success is there's a certain amount of people that are going to be happy for you, will be inspired, will now think, oh, well, if he can do it, I can do it too, or she can do it, I can do it too, and then there's going to be the rest of them

who are going to go overrated, you know, it's because his dad fucking knew the person that did this, they're going to have all the fucking excuses in the world because either, I don't know, I don't know what their deal is, but it's somehow their, your success becomes their failure,

which this is not new shit. So Bill Belichick made sports writers work. And it was the sports writer's fault because they would take the littlest thing and they would gas it up and it becomes bullet and board material. Belichick knew that. And the second, he won on Sunday, he would clam up about the person next week. And no matter how bad they were, he would act like that they were to threat.

Well, you know, they were a good team and they don't go out there. All we can do is see how we match up with him, you know, I'm not going to comment on that, blah, blah, blah. And they fucking hated him. Who do they like? Who do they like? Meatheads. that's who the press likes.

The press loves a loudmouth meathead quote machine or somebody losing their composure and screaming and yelling. Playoffs, they're exactly who we thought they were. Oh, that's what they want. That's the kind of person. Those people, you know, if they had the wins, if they were up to be in the Hall of Fame,

they would fucking, they would be first ballot. That's how it works. Like Rex Ryan, Rex Ryan, Rex Ryan, if that fucking guy had enough wins, that fucking guy, nobody made the press's job easier than that guy. He was a fucking quote machine, and they fucking loved him. They loved him. And meanwhile, they watched Bill Belichick,

who's arguably the greatest coach of the modern era, right up there with the Bill Walshers. They never enjoyed him. They never gave him his props. You know, and even to this day, even to this day. Like, I remember when he lost the first game as a coach at UNC, there was all of these people so fucking excited about him getting his ass kicked. And, like, evidently, he was supposed to turn that whole program around in one game.

It just, it is what it is. And I don't think this is a reflection of Bill Belichick or anything. What it really is is, it's just how fat, man-titted, petty sports writers. That's just how they are. And I also think it didn't it didn't help Belichick's cause that Tom Brady was an absolute dreamboat at the time married to a supermodel. I mean, these are people that eat Cheetos and their mantis sit on their beer bellies. And just to have to go into that locker room and interview these people and then leave, you know, and go out and get into a Honda Civic. You know, it's just, it wears on you after a while.

And then someday when you get your chance to fucking, you know, write a hit piece or not vote for them, they do it. So there you go. I mean, that's what it is. I mean, the guy, he's got eight fucking rings. I don't know how you don't get in. But okay, I guess the guy who never played the game at the level feels that that's, he's going to get in. And nobody's going to remember that he didn't get in the first time. Nobody gives a fuck.

Anybody that knows anything about football knows what the fucking guy did. You know what I mean? It's like that kid on the Montreal Canadiens who just scored that hat trick against the Bruins. It would be me like saying that guy sucks or that the refs did something or blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Like I would never do that. That kid can fucking play. And Montreal looks, they got the best team that they've had in a while. And they look really fast.

There you go. Look at that. How hard is that to do? Now, as far as their color commentator, I mean, that guy could, you know, I get it. He's a homer. I like that guy too. If I was a Canadian fan, I would be happy. that when we let up a goal,

he still brought up the toe save that fucking let that was the sweet rebound that the other team knocked in. Oh, heck of a toe save by Mondebo. Anyway, I will tell you this, if he's like that in his marriage,

he's going to be married forever. Set up the credit card, honey, but oh, look at the nice stuff you bought. By the way, my apologies to every Canadian person out there. I know that. This is the worst, this is the worst Canadian accent ever. Admit it, I admit it, okay?

I get it. I get it. But he just kept going, oh! And I got to tell you, it was pissing me off when I was running it, when I was watching it. I was running it back with my fucking built-in VCR or my TV, whatever you call, the DVR. I was just watching the TV. I was downstairs in the living room. Just watching it, just going,

oh! He's just yelling at the TV. I mean, it's really ridiculous. Anyways, so it's a couple of weeks here before the Super Bowl, maybe 10 days or some shit. And I'm contemplating whether I want to go. It's right up the street there, right outside of San Francisco.

I'm going to be up in the area anyway, but I don't know, man. It's at my age, like, I'm not going to spend, it's like four fucking grand or something. I'm going to spend four grand to sit next to an adult who's wearing everything but cleats and 12th man written across his face. And you know it's not going to sit down for the whole fucking game. Listen, I'm not saying all Seattle fans are like that, but like when I was growing up, like, people went to a game and you just, you wore what you wore when you shoveled the driveway. Like, I just don't understand like this Star Wars level dressing up that people do.

They'll put like the black shit under their eyes. When I was a kid, there was one, there was like always one per. Every fan base had that one guy, kind of like the Jets. They had that guy with the fire helmet. You know, you had that. The Orioles had the guy that got up. up on the dugout. You had one lunatic and it was fun. And he sort of led the crowd and cheers. This is before the giant, you know, scoreboards and the DJs and all of this other fucking

horseshit. And, you know, I didn't mind that. But when it became like everybody in the crowd, I mean, you look at the crowd at a Raiders game and it looks like you're at Comic Con. I don't understand that. But I also know that I'm old and time has passed me by. So I'm not saying what they're doing is wrong. I'm just saying I don't want to sit next to that. I don't want to listen to some fat person wearing a football jersey screaming, let's go.

This is what we do, beast mode. And then having to sit there for 10-minute breaks of commercials. It's a really weird thing. I think what's another weird thing. thing is I just fucking ate. My stomach is still growling. I ate healthy. I ate a salad. I mean, what that? It just doesn't make any sense. Anyways, I'm psyched for Morgan Geeky, though. Twelve games didn't have a goal and all these, you know, once again, guys with man boobs sitting on their fucking beer bellies are just

talking about how he's in this, you know, it's weird. You would think sports writers how fat not a shape they are would understand the ebbs and flows of life and that, you know, it's not during the flow period that you see who you are. It's the ebbs. It's the down periods. That's where you get to see what you're made out of. All right? So they don't get it. It's like, you know, you think he's the first goal scorer that went through 10, 12 games? He didn't score anything. Now look at him. He scored five games in a row. He went from the third line back up to the first, first line, right?

I don't know. Anyway, I like that kid who came up, though. That Marat. Oh, who's Nadinov? I like that guy. I like that dude. And then what's his face? Jonathan Aspero.

I thought it was Asborough, not Aspero. and I kept joking with my wife when they would say, I thought they were saying Aspero. And I said to, I go, I think the first eight years of my stand-up, I did gigs in Aspero. Sorry. That is literally a dad comedian joke.

But I like that guy. He's an old school dude. He's got that, he has like an old school guys' guys mustache, like the Bert Reynolds, you know? Tom Selleck. And then that guy, I always forget his fucking name. And I love the show, too.

That guy on Matt Houston. And he had like a real cowboy name. I got to get that guy's name down. I always use him as a reference. And I always say that guy from Matt Houston. Because I was a kid. I watched the show. He didn't have a name.

His name was Matt Houston. You know, I really look at him. He couldn't have been further from a Matt than I've ever seen in my life. He's definitely a Houston. Sean Corrally. Um, fourth line center. Grinding it out. Sorry, I got the game on right now.

Anyway, um, the fuck else was I going to talk about. I got to do a show and I had a great, really fun show the other night. Um, just tried a whole bunch of new shit. And, uh, it was Kevin Neeland's show. And, uh, that guy truly is one of the most fun people and funniest people in fucking show business. And whenever I run into him, all he does is try to wind me up. And I know he's doing it and I don't give a fuck. And he just wants to hear all the stupid shit I'm going to say.

And I swear to God, like, I showed up at the beginning of the show and I went on later. And when he was hosting just in between, that's all we did. We just sat there trashing each other. And it was one of the most fun gigs I've had in a while. And it was a benefit, you know? and I got a tin of cookies for doing it and I was doing so well not fucking with sugar

even this morning I went out to breakfast and they gave me this complimentary something or other and I didn't eat it and I just had a salad as I mentioned that was fine and I opened it up and it's those cookies you know those cookies that are as big as a hockey puck not flat they're big chunky

you know what I mean like if you were playing pick up hockey with this cookie people would be like no lifting like no one's wearing pads and I saw that thing and I'm not going to lie to you I am ashamed I just fucking grabbed the first one I saw

and just wolfed it down and I got halfway through it and I already started feeling like shit but you know I grew up old school you know the clean plate club so I didn't throw the other half out I ate the other half and I got to tell you I don't feel good right now

and I swear to God eating sugar it's the exact same feeling I have after watching a porno. I just don't feel good afterwards. I'm ashamed. I say out loud, just remember how you feel

in the case you're ever tempted to do this again. That's how I feel right now. But like all viewing of porn, it was glorious while it happened. All right, I'm being an asshole. Anyway, Bruins up two to nothing after two periods, so we must let up. I give him a deal, we're going to let up two.

I like Stamcoast closing out his career in Nashville. That must be fun, you know? That guy is played in front of rednecks his entire career. He was in Tampa, which is a... Oh, he's fucking scores with 34 and a half seconds to go. You motherfucker. Look at Marco Stern. Jesus Christ, how many fucking times we're going to give up the fucking...

Oh, imposter was in the box, too. Oh, and he was like, how did he turn the puck on his side like that? Oh, that was this nice goal. That was a beauty. That was a beauty. Two to one. Okay, so they score one goal, then they tie it up, and then, all right, I get it. And then we're playing the filthy flyers tonight.

That should be fun. So I mentioned I got my kids some baseball stuff, so we play catch. Every day after school and in the morning, I go out. I love it. My son goes, hey, Dad, can you throw me some hits? It's just the best. He's got a little black guy. He was wrestling with some kid at school.

It was funny. I go to school. Oh, you know, blah, blah. See him and some other kid, they kind of had a little playfight or whatever. I was just like, I got my son do. She was like, he did all right. I was like, all right, you know. What are you going to do?

Hey, kid, take down a number. Um, anyway, what do I got coming up? I don't have any fucking reads. I don't get any fucking reads, dude. But I got some stand-up gigs coming up. I gotta get a gig in February. I need to go do my hour somewhere. Because then I start back up in March.

I'm really excited about that. Uh, I'm doing the road now like an old guy. So I'm going out there. I'm having fun. I'm not gonna be like running around, you know, three nights, three cities. I'm not doing that anymore. I'm going to do this thing where I just want to play like the same place, like two, three nights in a row, be able to unpack and enjoy all of these cities that I've been going to because, you know, for a while I haven't been doing that. I've been doing

like one-nighters everywhere. And, you know, that's all right if you're in a city you don't give a fuck about. But if you're in a city, you actually like, you know, it's like you're landing that day and you got to do the show that night and then leave Philp, we get it. It's a one night. All right, yeah, well, I ain't doing it like that anymore. That's all I'm trying to. That's all I'm really trying to say. All right, anyway, anyway,

had to go pick up my kids. I'm back. A little quick edit there. Here's some shit that I've got. I've gotten back into Pantera. All of these bands, I always end up circling back to them. And listen to that album, The Great Southern Treadkill.

And Vinnie Paul's drumming, rest of soul, on war nerve, it's just, it's a masterpiece. It's just such a fun. I just was listening to it's funny. It's funny, like, when that album, when that band first came out, it was too hard for what I was listening to to, to try to, like, get caught up. And then, like, 10 years later, you know, I started listening. and I'm like, oh my God, I was so wrong. These guys are fucking amazing.

And now kind of where I'm at is I still think they're amazing. And like, but I'm just not that angry anymore. I wonder if there's singer is. And then that's weird. You still has to sing those lyrics like that. You know, you chill out as you get older. But there was definitely a time I was listening. You know, I still love the aground.

I mean, Pantera is one of the great. I'm going to the gym fucking bands, you know? Like, you don't feel like going. You put on Cowboys from Hell or fucking, I'm Broken. All of that shit. And, like, I will say, okay, Finney Paul, like, the drum parts that he came up with to fit those incredible rips by his brother, Dimebag,

it's just so much fucking fun to play to and it's making me get back into like double bass because I haven't touched my double bass I mean I haven't hooked up on my kit but like I'll play drums for two hours and never once use it because I was never that guy I was always more single bass drum player and I was never into

you know a lot of that shit that I ended up getting into like, you know, my family and, like, friends of mine were listening to Metallica and Slayer. I didn't get into that shit till later. And by then I had already started being a comedian. I was living in New York, and there was no place to play drums. Forget about learn how to play double bass. But anyway, you just, I don't know, for as much new music that I was listening to, that Daniel Caesar guy, Cleo Soul, all of the.

this amazing, amazing fucking music. There's just nothing replaces the music from when you were young because you were young and you had your whole life ahead of you and you had all these ideas and dreams and they're all connected in with that music. And it just becomes like, I don't know, bigger than life. And there's this youthful joy even as an old guy going back, listening to that shit. Memories and concerts you went to and stupid shit that you did and first. crushes, all of that shit comes back.

And as much as modern music, you know, there's so much good stuff out there. It's just really hard to find now that everything's all spread out. But I always end up going back like, you know, Arrowsmith, ACDC,

Judas Priest, Iron Maiden, all of those bands. Def Leopard, Motley Crew, all of those fucking bands that I was listening to. And then when I got into warehousing, you know, I worked with these guys that were into more 60-70 shit, and then I got into like bad company, Led Zeppelin, I don't even know what else, all of that.

Crosby stills and Nash they were playing. I got into that shit. And then I started doing stand-up, and I started out with the late great Patrice O'Neill, and I still remember being in Tower Records on Newbury Street, which I don't even know what that is now. and him handed me the biggie small

cassette tape and asking me if I listened to that and I said I haven't listened to that yet he goes he goes this is this shit right here and he handed it to me because I forget what the fuck I was listening to I had an ice cube tape that he liked he was very like with rap

it was either you should be listening to this shit or I'm going to throw this tape out the window So I had this ice cube America's Most Wanted He was handing the gun to you He liked that one And then I had another one I think it was an iced tea

And he wanted to throw that one out the window And then we went to fucking He went to Tower And he was like Bill If you can listen to this shit He goes listen to this I should listen that guy He goes yeah that guy's the shit

So whenever I listen to Biggie That first album Takes me back to meeting Patrice Going at Nick's Comedy Stop and all of those guys that I started out with, Robert Kelly, you know, Dane Cook,

Bob Mali, all of those guys. Rick DeLeah, Pete Cumman, Restes-Soehl, Wayne Prevety, Restesol, Nick Kossis, all of these guys that I started out with. And, yeah, that was another thing. Like, I couldn't believe that I was doing open mics. I couldn't believe that I was becoming a comedian.

I couldn't believe the first time I got $5 gas, money. Who the fuck's room was I working? The fuck was that guy's name? I can't even remember, but I just, I couldn't believe it. I got $5 for which, but you know, a couple gallons of gas, which was no joke back then. And but these would like, and whenever I listen, I is one for you, here's one for you, whenever I, I listen to that Allison Chain's album, Jarrah Flies, the acoustic one, all I think about is driving in my 83 Ford Ranger, from a gig having to work the next morning going down 95 or 93 or 495 or 24 or Route 3 just somewhere doing some gig in the fucking pizza parlor or a sports bar and um I still remember uh getting a flat tire

listening to that album and I had finally gone out and bought and and put a long pipe so I could get leverage. You know, that fucking bullshit, Jack, they give you, you know, with just that little L shape. You can't get any torque on it, any leverage. So this comedian that was a mechanic during the day, he goes two things, get a fire extinguisher and get an extension of pipe in case you have a fucking flat

so you can get the lug nuts off. And I was like, all right. And I got that. I remember it was on the left, fucking left-hand driver's side in the back, of course. and I'm on, you know, I pulled off two wheels on the shoulder, but I got to make sure, you know, it's like level ground. I knew to do that.

And like the cars were fucking flying by. And I was scared shitless. And I fucking changed this tire. And I had my spare tire. I made sure, it used to be like underneath the truck. And I saw the bolt was all rusted on and shit. And what I should have done looking back was just maintain that bolt because I used to always have it in the back of my truck. And eventually somebody stole this spare.

but no one had stolen the spare and I had it right there and uh right in the back of the truck and dude I changed that fucking tire like a one-man NASCAR crew just because I didn't want to get run over hit by a fucking drunk driver or whatever and I had that thing changed in like two minutes and I'm not exaggerating like I fucking I remember had that stupid vinyl seat I made sure that I I I got out on the fucking other side, the passenger side, put the seat, I grabbed it, and then there was these two screws you had to get. Oh, no, that was another thing too. Oh!

I got a real jack, too, not the bullshit one that came with the truck. I got one of those really good ones. You know, the ones that, when you let it down, it goes down like hydraulic, down like that. You remember when you had a boombox? There was two different kinds with the cassette tape. There was the one that opened, ooh, it opened nice and slow. And then there was the other one that just went like, almost like it was like, it got the Heinleck and was spitting your fucking tape out.

I got the jack version of the nice boombox ejection of the cassette tape. Anyway, so that's to say that I'm back to listening to Pantera. And not all the lyrics are bad, but like some of them, you know, just that one, war nerve. It starts off, it says, fuck the world. for all it's worth every inch of planet Earth. And I was just like, all right, this guy needs a hug. Probably needs some feelings acknowledged from important role models when he was a child. And I don't think he really means every inch of planet all of it.

You know, you don't like any of it. Even the part that has a nice breeze, you know, blowing through the trees. Peanut butter jelly sandwich with some fucking potato. chips sitting on a back porch that fuck that part too i don't think so um but we were all young angry man at one point all right i don't know where this podcast went but uh yeah i think that's it i think that's it all right with that um please listen to the music picked out by the amazingly talented andrew themless and then after this we're going to have a bonus episode of the thursday afternoon just before friday monday morning morning podcast from a thursday gone by in the past

that's it have a great weekend you cunts moto gp is coming up as is the Super Bowl's the following week. And then that is the official end of fucking football season, if you can believe it. It came and went again. That's what parents have to say.

When they try to tell a new parent how fast your kids grow up, just say, you know how fast the NFL football season goes? It's like that, but with a person. All right, that's it. Go fuck yourselves. I'll talk to you on Monday.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's time for the Monday morning podcast for Monday, January 29th, 2018. What's going on? Well, this would have been a boring Sunday because there was, you know, there's no football, right? You got the week off in between the Super Bowl and the championship games. They had the Pro Bowl today, which was kind of cool. Look like football in the future where they would, you know, they'd start to tackle.

tackle somebody and they're like, all right, right, right, right, right. You know? I don't know if that's the concussion thing or the Me Too. I don't know what it is. He does not want you touching him. Do not throw him to the ground. I have a special guest to liven up my Sunday there. That's right there.

Oh, geez. It's one and only Todd Rex for Christ's sake. Todd, you were one of my favorite fucking people in this business and you were one of my favorite comedian, so it is a pleasure. Dude, I feel the feeling is mutual, man. You don't have to compliment. me on this. You're one of my idols, man. Dude, you are the silliest fucking dude. You make me feel mature. That's what I like about you. Todd Rex, okay. Yes. Todd Rex, who checks off a lot of

boxes in this day of caring. That's right. You do. I don't even know what that means. I don't know what it means either. I'm just trying to be progressive. You would think that somebody would come his fucking way and finally tap the magic wand on his head. And make something happen. And say, Todd, you've been destroying at least three times as hard as 10 times of the fucking, whatever, whatever the math is, all the fucking comics out there. I love working with you, but I hate following you. You fucking murder. Finally, this fucking asshole, he got himself a special that he's taping, and he needs

some people to come down, and then you can, you know, go on, and I can open for you, make you sweat a little there. No, not a chance. All right. He's going to be at the satellite theater in Silver Lake. The satellite, la.com for tickets. That's right. February 11th, you're going to be doing the show.

It's a Sunday there, but you should come out there with support there. All right, Sunday, which is a week after the Super Bowl, right? So everybody knows. 730 and 930. Two shows. Two shows. Two shows. Two shows.

So you're going to go out there, you knock the first one out, you go, all right, I got it. And then the next one, you just go off. Cruz. Is that what you do? What do yours? You like you? be buttoned, making sure the first one's tightened up and then... I spend the whole night trying to forget that I'm taping one.

Really? And stop trying to think like, oh my God, I missed that tag. Fuck, that needed to be documented in the comedy universe. I just try to look at it like, all right, this is just, I'm just documenting where my hour was on this night and this is how it came out. And I want you to do that. Because every night when you go up there, I don't know about you, but I mean, I'm constantly fucking up jokes.

are constantly leaving shit out and then it adds to something else. Right. And I never think of it. Never think about it. Like, I never thought to get you a glass of water before you sat here for a fucking hour. What an idiot. I might have to pause here in a minute. But that's just how I had to do it that way.

I wanted to think about your, I wanted to ask you about your thought process because I was curious. Like, I know the night before I'm going to be a wreck, you know, just thinking about it. All the funny guys worry. hacks don't worry hacks are already fucking working on their next hacky hour yeah they're not even fucking nervous they're just and they'll go off stage with their shitty material be like dude I fucking crushed right I crushed and every funny guys like was it good oh my god I thought it was terrible I do that every every time I just really in a roundabout way compliment to myself I know I'm I'm you know I got a

waste to go people I got a beast you're one of them their beasts um yeah so I someone told me I think Louis C.K. told me. And I think he heard this from fucking Bill Cosby. How funny is that? He heard that you work this hard to get there. Don't forget to have fun. Right. So make sure, yeah, because if you're having fun,

that's going to be, you're going to feel better about it afterwards. Right. If you're someone who nitpicks at himself, there's no way you're going to be happy at the end of it. So just be forgiving. Just be the fucking silly, fucking hilarious guy you are. You'll be fine. Yeah.

I'm not really too worried about it, but I just want to make sure that I already can tell you worry about it. You seem tighter than usual. Yeah, geez. Well, I'm doing your podcast. This is kind of a big deal for me, too. I feel like I'm on the couch with it. Didn't the whole thing? Now that you've peeked behind the curtain, it's just me with a fucking $99 mixer from good, Santa.

We're sitting here on the couch like Ernie and Bert. I know. All I did to prepare for you is I turned on the AC and I squirted some Fabrese. That's it. I know. Everybody has these fancy. fucking studios. I just did I did your mom's

house with Tom Seguera and Christina Brazanski. I just did theirs and they have this whole fucking studio. Rogan has like a literally like a stern level studio. And I should step it up at some point. Yeah, but your house

is dope. I don't know. No one can see it, but your house is dope. Oh, thank you. It wasn't when I bought it. But now that I've dumped all this money into it and I can never get my money back, yeah, it is pretty good. This house was like almost 100 years old when I got it. Almost 90 years old, I should say. You have a pretty cool people living here before, though, right?

Yeah, I don't want to talk about that, though, because then people will fucking figure out where I live. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I already have to fucking edit out one of the comments you made earlier that will fuck. Dude, people are fucking lunatics. And that's what they... I'll tell you later. It was just enough of something to make some psycho just turn around and face his speaker and start writing down information. But I'm a paranoid dude.

So funny. Yeah. Anyways What was I talking? What the fuck we were just talking about? My ADD. I don't know either. I have no idea.

You've been watching any hockey? Did you see Marshawn's elbow? It was a thing of beauty. Really? It was a thing. It was so, it was perfect filthy. Really? He got tripped.

I know. And he's the size of Barney Rubble, so nobody, he's not going to get called out. Like, Alf was probably one of the worst. But, dude, he was, and I love Marcia and I love the fucking Bruins. Do you like Marsha? I love him. Come on. But the thing is, I don't like that aspect, like, doing that shit. Did you see when, but I also.

But I also. Oh, dude. My God. That was a brutal hit. Oh, I thought he had, like, internal bleeding after that. Dude, it would look like, like, he just, because he kept skating, but he kept skating. Yeah, and he was just going like, oh, and it seemed like beyond. The way, the thing about P.K.

Well, I'm so glad he placed in Nashville, not from Montreal anymore. He was he. Racist bastards. He used to. He used to. to get us all the time. And everybody knew that was his move. And I don't know why no one could.

He just knew exactly when your head was down for a second. It was two crossovers. He was inside. And then all of a sudden he was just in front of you. And he just ended your fucking life for like, I don't know, like two shifts. But yeah, I'm, I always like that. I never take it to the point if there's a guy on a team that I don't like. You know, like when Derek Jeter played for the Yankees, I couldn't get myself

to get to the point of like actually hating him. It's like the guy's great. Right, he is good. Yeah, all you're saying is I wish this guy was on my team. Yeah. You know, I've been watching some hockey. Watching my son play hockey.

He's a beast, of course. I know. You showed me all the video of him. Yeah. And he like picked it up in two, see him. He was like playing drums or something, right? Yeah, he also plays the drums too. And he plays drums.

And he plays hockey. Jesus, the kid's going to be crushing it. He's going to get more leg than I am. You can be a fucking grandfather by the time this special comes out. You're like, geez. Where you've been working to? I just flew back today from Phoenix. I was with Craig, Craig Robinson.

You know, I've been doing with him for like a couple years now when he's not shooting television shows. Which is all the fucking time. That guy works. So, yeah. Where were you guys working? We were working at Stand Up Live in Phoenix. Oh, okay. I know that place.

Yeah, five sold out shows. It was fantastic. They had a ball. I did the, you know what's funny? That's fucking nuts as far as like that downtown area, how lively it is. Yeah. If there's something going on. But the second the workday ends, like during the week, if you're there, like at five o'clock.

Yeah, it's fucking creepy. If the sons don't have a game, it's over. Right. Yeah, I love it, though. I mean, I couldn't live there. I don't think, but I had a really good time there. I had a good time traveling with you, though, when we went down south. I was just like reading some comments about give me the keys.

Just give us the keys. Oh, yeah, yeah, that lady. I thought about that the other. the day. We went to check in that hotel and that lady was just fucking with the instructions. Our gym is on the fourth floor. It's open from 9 to 9. There's

a continental breakfast blah blah blah. And I'm sitting there going like, oh my God, how long is this going to take? And she's in the middle of you. You just choose the keys. She got like offended. She was bad for real. She wasn't bad. Dude, I fucking was laughing

like I was in high school, man. It was one of those laughs, so I was just like, because what it was was the fact that she didn't find it funny. Right. It was already hilarious. But the fact that she didn't find it funny, it hurt her feelings. She didn't how to deal with it. And then she got mad all in like fucking like half a second. Right.

Then I felt like I was in class again where it's like, oh my God, don't start fucking laughing. Or you're going to get like detention or something. Yeah, you also took me to that fucking, was it that barbecue place or something? Oh, yeah. What does it call it? Don't say the name of it because it was terrible. Well, the first place we went to, then we went to the, then we went to that one where it was a giant fucking place. And they had like 40 fried murdered chickens that you could see.

You don't remember that place? It was gigantic. You know, oh, my God, this place is fucking unbelievable. Is that the place where you ate? And then we went to the NASCAR track and then you were like, T-Rex wishing you had a salad. Oh, yeah. Was that in Charlotte? That was Charlotte.

Okay, and we did the NASCAR experience. That was very cool. I was talking about crushing it. That dude who was driving us around. He was 20 years old named Dylan. I know, and he weighs as much as a jockey. Right. Because he doesn't want to slow the car down.

I couldn't believe what a piece of shit a race car looks like when you walk up to it. I've seen Formula One cars up close. They look like absolute, like it looks like if you've stepped on it, the whole thing would fall apart because all it is, it's just an engine, suspension and tires and everything else is just the lightest. Right. Did you see the gas pedal? It was just like a stick.

It was like a bent coat hanger. It's like really like if you had like that just the floor thing, whatever that the pedal is to rest your foot on. If you have that in then that's the difference between you like I guess winning the race or coming in like third. Right. Because that fucking thing's sitting there. The piece of rubber that's going to weigh the car down. That race, that actually they're, that's not doing well. It's not. The numbers are down.

No. When I went to the Daytona 500, they painted the seats, like every other seat. They had like three colors, and they would paint them. To make it look like those people in the seats with cameras flying by. And, you know, used to have it like that was the Minnesota North Stars. Really? Used to have seats like that. And I thought it was cool.

And now I'm thinking, well, maybe because nobody showed up for the game. For the games. And maybe that's why they moved to Dallas. So when I hear all those Minnesota North Star fans still complaining that their team left, I mean, if there was people there, I wouldn't have noticed, right? Right. You wouldn't have been able to see the seeds. Ah, they were out there skating on a thousand lakes there.

Oh, gee. Did you watch any of the football? What's that? Do you watch any of the football? I haven't been watching any football. The only team I like is the Washington Redskins and they're terrible number one. Oh, that's right. You're from Baltimore.

How did you become a Redskins fan? Oh, no, I'm from Silver Spring, Maryland right over the D.C. line. Like, people always think Baltimore. Oh, okay. But, you know, I had grass and shit in my yard. Two cars, both parents are around. Not saying that that's not available in Baltimore, but. people think of the wire in the corner when they think about Baltimore but that's not where I lived

oh that's why because that's where I met you I met you at the Baltimore improv with that fucking that long you had to walk down like that three quarters of a mile hallway that's the last mile or whatever yeah that was the worst location ever for a for a for a fucking comedy club I was all thrilled they let me come down there and they asked me if I wanted to close out the Sunday one time because somebody canceled and I was all fucking excited and I drove there from New York City to do it. Oh my God. And I was like, I'm going to get in with the improvs. And I showed up and there was like 10 people there. And the owner was talking to the booker, never talked to me, and then walked out

while I was on stage. And I remember being on stage. I think I knew when I was on stage because I was kind of glancing over like, okay, well, is that the guy works at Sonic Burger? Oh, man. It was, yeah, it was really fucking annoying. I don't know why anybody who ran a club why the fuck you would ever do that? Because you don't know who's coming down. And for all you know, they're going to go on, you know, and do something. The fact that you would, I was driving down from you, he didn't even say thanks. Classic fucking club managers, you fat, big 50 inch fucking waist.

Oh, my. You know what I mean, but those slacks of that giant fucking belt. Right. The gabardine, whatever they're called, what are those flags called? Action slacks? Yeah, the action slacks. Yeah, I ran into a number of those fucking people. That's my big thing, though, this year.

Dude, you know, I'm turning 50. Are you really? Turning 5-0 in June. I turn 49 in May. You do? All right there, youngster. Right behind you, dear. You want to know what the next year your life's going to be like?

Hopefully it's going to be something like yours. No, well, I've decided that I'm going to, I'm going to fucking get myself that, like, rather than looking at 50 with dread. Right. Which I'm really not. Considering, you know, some of my friends have fucking died didn't even make it. Holy shit. You know Joe Recker in D.C.? Don't tell me he died.

He swear to God he did. No, he didn't. He did last weekend, last Sunday. He fucking died? Yeah. Of what? There was like some cardiac event. One of his friends was like coming from Connecticut, going down to Florida.

Hadn't seen Joe in like 15 years. Stop by his house. And they were going to go to the improv to watch Lovell Crawford. and Joe said he had a headache and went upstairs and took some like aspirin or whatever and sat on the bed and laid back and croaked while his buddy was there that he hadn't seen it 15 years What?

Yeah, isn't that crazy? Oh, dude, that guy had one of my favorite fucking jokes. What about the Kung Fu? No, the joke he did when he was having unprotected sex with the woman. You know, he goes, I'm doing my thing and I'm doing my thing and she goes, Joe, don't you come in me. Don't you come in me, Joe, God damn you, you don't come in me.

And he goes, I block him. all that out. Joe's hilarious. I haven't seen him in fucking, I haven't seen him in like 15 years. There's going to be a long as that now. Oh, geez. Ah, fuck.

Yeah. But we're getting at that age where people are just dying and say, you know what's really fucked up? No, you know what it is? It's dying that I don't, it's not even like shocking to me anymore. Yeah. You know what I mean?

Like when I hear it now, I used to be like, oh my God. But I was at my son's hockey game when someone calls. me and he was like, yo, Joe Reck and I was like, you serious? He was like, yeah, when I said, how? And he's like, I don't know. I'll find out. And I was like, I call me back.

I'm on my son's hockey game. Well, you know what it is? You know what it is? The first wave that goes is it's usually bad genetics, bad luck, or bad diet. And then after that, it's like if you had half a bad diet, half bad genetics. Just literally like when the grim reaper is going to get you. So speaking of that, becoming a dad at the dad at the, this point. I was fucking old as I am. I got it, you know, I've cut back on the boozing. And so I'm,

I'm trying to get myself down to my fucking, to my fighting weight and actually maybe get a person. Oh, you look fit. Yeah. I took four months off of booze. And then for the last month, I've been drinking, like, lightly. But I don't know. I think I'm just too old now because I took those fucking four months off and now going back to it just, I get two in the next, I drink two and I'm just like banged up the next day. Yep. So I don't know. I think I'm going to go.

I was joking that I'm going to go. I'm going to be like sting in my 50s. Just do like fucking Pilates and yoga. Tantric sex, dude. Try to learn how to come for 40 minutes. That's how a lot of his music is recorded. A lot of people don't know that. When it's actually him coming.

In the beginning of synchronicity, is that it? Whoa. That's him. They record him. And they record him? They record him banging his wife, right, for the first 40 minutes. Then the last five minutes, he just sings the song. And right as he comes, that's the hook.

Gordon Sumner. Gordon Cumbna. Oh, geez. I saw him at the Hollywood Bowl with, I almost said, Gay Lord Perry. That's a pitcher. Yeah. Who's the guy from Genesis that sang Sledgehammer? Peter Gabriel, yeah.

He's a piece. Yeah, they brought. Both were fucking awesome, and they had like, and I was like, all right, who's going to open, who's going to fucking close? And they just, one would sing a song, and then the next one come out and sing a song. And then they were just both out there. And if it was the other person's song, they would just sing back up. Really? Oh, yeah.

That's dope. Peter Gabriel had, like, synchronized dance moves and shit. It was fucking, and in the end, they were bad. But that was part of the joke. But you could just see was he didn't give a fuck. It was like two guys. His daughter plays with them, too, sometimes. Is that right?

It plays like the violin, and she comes out and crushes it on the violin. I'm trying to remember if he had a violinist. I just know that he was just like the guy who just aged and said, fuck it. Right. Where Sting was, you know, still in shape and shit. So Peter Gay... Peter Gabriel looked terrible now? Oh, dude, he came out looking like, you know, that headliner that didn't make it?

He just doesn't give a fuck anymore. Comes out with, like, wearing, like, the same sweatsuit. He was wearing when you picked him up at the airport. Oh, my God. Just walks on stage. Maybe he put a hat on. He had a big onesie on. Oh, my God.

And then Sting always has one of those fucking those clothes that looks like he's going to do. What was that movie he did with Tina Turner where she shaved the side of her head? Oh, my. Thunderdome? I feel like he got a bunch of clothes from that movie that still fit him. Right. He still has the trailer, the wardrobe trailer. All that mesh Spider-Man looking shit.

Flashy underwear peeking out of the back. Looking chain mail shirt. Well, I saw those guys. They fucking, they absolutely killed it here. I got to make sure with 20 minutes in. At some point, I do have to read a little bit of advertising. But, dude, who's your fucking internet provider? AT&T.

Mine is just, it's just not happening for me. Yeah. I think I might, I don't even know who I have. Nia handles that. And it's, it's just been on the fritz. I got to drive. It's been on the fritz. It's been on the fritz.

I got to drive over to Starbucks. Buy something. Starbucks, I don't drink coffee, all right? I mean, I guess the coffee has to be amazing with the lines. You're as strong as it is because you don't need any caffeine. Oh, I know. I know. I'm the worst.

You're like wired as all. I'm the worst, dude. I need like the reverse of that. But you go in there, all of their food just sucks. All of their food just fucking sucks. All right, let me read a little advertising here. How much time are you going to do on your special? I'm doing an hour.

Hour, that's it. Doing an hour, maybe a little longer. So we can cut it down. Oh, do it? Do as little long as I would do like whatever you you want it to be. I would only do a little bit more than that. Yeah. Because, yeah, it makes your life so much easier.

If you want to do an hour special, do like an hour and ten. Then you usually just lift a bit or two. The same guys that are shooting my special shot, Orney Adams special that he just did. And they said that Orney did like an hour and 20 minutes. And that they wanted to cut it down to an hour because Showtime wasn't buying an hour, 20 minutes specials. They were just buying an hour special. Oh, then you got to start killing your babies. Yeah, but he refused to cut it.

And so they just took it at an hour and 20. So if you watch the special that's on right now, it's on Showtime right now, it's an hour and 20 minutes. Jesus, Orney Adams telling the business which way it's going. Wow. I would have been like, all right, I'll cut it down. All right. Oh, look, oh, Zip.

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here? They gave me some. Did they really? Yeah. Did you rock them? I definitely won. But they definitely, they gave me the Greg Luganis cut on one of them. It was the West Hanes. The West Hollywood cut there. So I was not in I was not in gay male shape when I got him, so I did not look good. I'm trying to get it in as good as shape as those fellas down there. But who used to have the pit like that? I want to get in shape. I want to get in gay shape.

Because I got a buddy of mine. All he does is he just loses like fucking 10 pounds. And then he just sort of pushes down his shirt going, dude, I look good. You know, you like pat your stomach? I think I'm looking all right. Do you and your wife, do you guys, do you guys? Yeah, we have four kids. Of course we do.

No, do you guys celebrate Valentine's Day? No. At this point? No. How long you guys been together? Since 95? That's great, man. Yeah.

Look at you. 23 years. Yeah, but it took me until 2004 to tie the knot there. Oh, yeah. Want to make sure she was the one there. So how many years is that? Like 10 years there, man. Wait, 2001?

2004. 2004. So that's nine years. Yeah. All right. All right. It took me. What it was?

Dude, it took me nine years too. Really? The fuck, yeah. Yeah. Stupid. I knew it nine months, but I was just like, I don't know. Right. And then also, my wife was a little bit of a commitment fob.

We're both like commitment phobes yet totally like relationship people. So it totally worked. You know what I mean? Right. So we lived our whole Sid and Nancy fucking lifestyle for a while, you know, not married, no kids, partying. Right. Had a great time. We did that for a while, too.

We hit all the water parks. with the matching t-shirts. Oh, yeah. Matching me, undies. It took me forever to propose to her, but I'm going to tell you why it happened. I went out partying with friends of mine one night, and I ended up spending an ad out in Virginia. And I was on my way back the next day, like 10 a.m. And my wife was furious.

She was my girlfriend at the time. We were living together, and she was furious. And she called me. She already left me a message, and I checked the message, and then she called me again when we were driving home. I don't know. And so when I picked her the phone, I just said, hey, I just was out. here thinking with my friends. The reason I was like, I'm out here with my friends that spent on the night.

It's like, I was talking to him, man. I think I'm ready to settle down and marry you. Wow. How mad was she that you had to come up with that? Did she know that? She better. She will now when she listens to this. No way.

Oh, dude, I want to get you in trouble. So what did she do? What's that? She was like, really? Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I can't wait for you to come home. And I was like, dude, I didn't want to have a fight when I got home for spending

night out. So, yeah, so that defused the whole, like, fight that was coming up. And set you up for another thousand more over the next year there. I just, what the fuck did I do it? I finally just realized, yeah, I just knew she was going to leave. Some days, you know, when I was mad at her, I would fantasize about breaking up. But even in the fantasy of her breaking up when she would walk out, even in the fantasy of that, I would still go, no, no, no, no, no, no.

I was like, all right. I got to make, yeah, that's, that was the, Paul Verzi helped me get through that. Paul Verzi has actually helped a number of comedians get over that, like, that's, that's thing, you know, you think it's a mountainous. You're just stepping up on the curb. It's just like, dude, where are you going? Right. What are you doing?

You know, she's going to be so happy. You're going to be happy. Once you get through the fucking vows and all of that bulls, shit. Then you just had a party with all of your friends and his fucking great. He was, he was 100% 100% fucking right. So, um, I was going to ask you, do you guys go out on Valentine's Day? No, we don't really celebrate. Like when I don't get our chocolates and I'm like that or

cards, you know, we might, you know, we have the kids. So a lot of the times we're just, we'll wait till the kids go to sleep and then we'll, like, have a bottle of wine and watch a movie or something downstairs, something corny like that. No, that's way better. We're going out. We're going out to dinner. Like, dude, we're so old now. Sometimes it feels like, uh, we want to go and have a good time. So we're going to go out to dinner and then go into Hollywood and get some drinks and maybe go to a dance club or whatever that.

By the time we're done eating dinner, we're like, you want to just go home? Oh, and how psyched to you when the other person says that? Yeah. Is it like, yes? Yes, I do just want to go. I don't want to go to Hollywood right now. Yeah, like I, for years would rather drink at home. I got better stuff here than they got out at the bar.

They always have some shit stuff. They're trying to rape you on the price also. Yeah, and once you're with the person you're going to be with, they got the worst booze. I'm not interested in meeting anybody. Right. So all I'm going to do is go out there and then I got to deal with like, how am I getting fucking home? This is before like Uber and all that shit. I've been, I've been drinking at home.

Yeah. For years. You always have some like, yeah, we have what, bourbon? I have bourbon, whiskey, scotch, tequila. Yeah, there's really smoky, I think, whiskey one time I was here, didn't you? That was probably a scotch. Scotch? Yeah, was it good?

Yeah, it was good. Oh, did we smoke cigars? Uh, no. No, I don't think we did. Because as I was thinking, my daughter just had her first birthday, and I was looking at the house. Like, dude, we had like 16 kids over here. Really? All our friends have kids now.

Because, you know, once you have a kid, all your friends who don't have kids, it's just like they keep living their rock star lives. And you're like, you get like six more calls. Like, I got to watch the kid. And he just, you just fade out. Yeah, they start disappearing on the horizon. You just fade out. Like that band member who's on the first album. And he was like, whatever fucking after that guy?

Then they never see that guy until like the VH1 behind the music. He's just like, right, you know, I don't even know. They're putting out a second album. They just never called me. And all of a sudden, I was just like, right, guess them out. Yeah, so I was looking around the living room. And we had like 16 little kids in there. Oh, my gosh.

Ages eight and eight. Yeah. And just like toys. Galore. And just shit all over the place. And I was just looking, thinking like, you know, 18 months ago, this would have been five of my friends. We would have been getting shit face. Watching a game and smoking cigars.

Like how much, it changes in a good way. Like, we went to the park today for the first time. I went over, I put her on the swing and shit. She loved it. Right. Oh, yeah. It's the greatest. You have to take pictures of video of that, man, because it goes by so fast and you'll look back at those pictures with a tear in your eye.

Oh, I know, no. I'm already doing it. I'm already like this. a part of me that's like as psyched as I am to be a dad. There was a mild depression with her turning one. Right. Going like, ah, she's not a baby anymore, man.

She's a toddler. Next year she turns two. Her age doubled in a year. Yeah. No, but I see why people keep having babies because you just want to keep hitting reset. Right. Because it's so fucking awesome. And I like talking in a positive way about it. Right. Because when my wife got pregnant, just so many people

said all this negative shit. Like, oh, dude, yeah, no more drinking. It's over for Yeah, no more getting hookers and flak and big. No more going to Thailand and seeing what's up over there. Like all this degenerate shit. I was just like... Right. Yeah.

This is way better than that shit, though. Yes. No, today we were over there and it was just like I was having the best time. And I, you know, it was, yeah, it was like good, clean fun. It was actually getting a little bit of exercise. Right. Clean air there. Yeah.

Yeah. She kind of took her first step in the park, which was cool. and so yeah so now we figured out what the motivation tactic was to get it going dude I'll tell you what's fucked up though is the definition of organic in the in the dictionary versus the definition

of organic within the food industry right like they literally changed it like with law what organic means because I know when we're giving her like poisonous shit right she's fucking so excited to eat it like what do you give her the real organic shit no no no no

No, the shit that they're calling organic, but it's really got like fucking this, like, they try to get you addicted to it like cigarettes. Right. The same fucking thing. So we had these little puffs that said organic on them. And I just noticed that, like, we would have like really good food and she would start pointing at the other ones like a lab rat. And then one time I went to just reach for the can and she started like hopping up like, yeah, man. I can give me a hit. So she needed her to fix.

Yeah, so, yeah, we phase those out. I'm actually, that's not true. We have one more can down, so we're going to wean her off. And then, you know, she's a kid. So she doesn't see it. She's not going to be thinking of them. But that's the thing that can also drive you nuts is that type of shit. And then if you have any sort of friend with a kid in your life that is totally up on all these issues.

And then they just, they just come to you. It's like a fucking, it's like. this cloud of fear that they just dump on you. Go to this website. You have to fucking re-end. We have friends like that, or at least a couple, and they're fucking annoying. And it's like, even though our kid likes their kid, we have to like cut them back a little bit. And my daughter's like, well, when is she coming over?

And I'm like, if the kid comes over, it's fine, but I can't have the parents come over here too. Like, did you get your kids vaccinated? How do you handle that? Because that's what I realize now is that you can have like, you can be friends with people, like a couple. you and your wife are friends with a couple and then all of a sudden and they have kids but you don't have kids so you're not dealing with them on that level but then when you have a kid

the relationship changes now you not only do you guys have to like get along socially when you go out you know yeah you both vibe you gotta kind of on they got to be within your wheelhouse of how they raise their fucking kid and if the kid comes over and he's a fucking lunatic yeah like biting the dog

and shit like going what what is this cave man you got to kind of be like I don't want my kid acting like that right no We have, I'm not saying any names because I don't want to alienate any people that might be listening to this, but we have one family who has a kid that's just fucking rude. Oh, yeah, I can't have it. And I just, I cannot stand, but my kid wants this kid to come over, and we're always like, Jesus Christ. Should we let this fucking kid come over?

And then, like, maybe they changed over the last six months and they come spend the night and it's a fucking nightmare. What are the rules if a kid comes over and he's rude? Like, what can you say now to a fucking? kid. Dude, I started just getting serious with it. I'm like, dude, go back to bed.

Go back to bed. Stop fucking waking up every 10 minutes and calling for your mommy. And then when I say, I'm going to call your mommy. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I'm like, then, dude, what the fuck are you doing?

I don't call you. Do you say fuck? No, no. Because I don't know how I'm not going to be. I mean, then shut the fuck up. You're being a fucking asshole. Right. Stop being a little asshole.

No, I don't tell my wife. I'm like, dude, if he gets up one more time, I'm not talking to him. you got to talk to him because I'm going to start getting mad. Do you remember back in the day, like, if your friend's dad said anything, you were afraid of him? Right. Yeah. Hell yeah.

Go back to the room and go to bed. Like, oh, shit, this motherfucker is serious. That needs to come back. I hate that they call me by my first name. Todd. No, they don't. Yes, they do. Todd, I'm scared.

Can you call my mommy? I'm old school. Right. You can call me Mr. Burr. Right. That's it. Right. me you're fucking. Hey Bill. Hey Bill. You go, what's to eat here? Right. Right. No, dude. I would literally be like,

what the fuck did you say to me, you little shit. I won't say that, but that's what I'll be thinking. So that, as I say, please address me as Mr. Burr, the subtext he will hear is what the fuck did you say to me, you little shit. And then he'll say to his mother, you're mean, man. Right. Yeah, this one good little girl comes over to her house and she was like, she'll come downstairs like sleeping all morning, and then come down in the kitchen where my wife and I are, my daughter's still asleep, and she'll come downstairs before everybody, and she would like, what's for breakfast? And my wife was like, well, you know, pancakes and sausage.

She was like, yeah, I don't like that stuff. What else is there? And my wife just looks at me and is like, this is a bit serious right now? Like, go the fuck back upstairs. Yeah, what the fuck out? I would love to hear a kid now to say it to my mother. Right. My mother would just be, well, that's all there is.

I guess, you know, I'll talk to you at lunch. That's what my wife said. My wife says, I guess you'll just be hungry then because that's what we're having. And if you don't eat it, you're just going to be hungry. It's amazing how some of these kids are rude as shit. And you say something to the parents are like, yeah, she's a little crazy. She's a, she's a little thing. Like, no.

No, that's like when people have a dog that's fucking nuts. Like I did, but I quarantined the thing when people would come over. Except one time I got a little confident. I watched too many the dog whispers. And then my friend ended up getting bit. Jay Lawhead got bit by my dog. Yeah, you bit him on his calf. Give him a nip.

Yeah, that dog scared a little shit out of me one time. We were downstairs and she was in a cage. Oh, yeah. And I didn't know that she was in there. I was like walking past and she was like, her, and like went out of the cage with the metal of the cage and scared the fucking piss out of me.

Oh, yeah. Oh, my God. If that cage was there, I'll be shredded right now. Yeah. Yeah, she was an adorable hellhound. She loved the hell out of me in about six people. And everybody else, she treated as a fucking intruder.

And I would just, you know, it was the smartest, most painful decision I ever made, but I didn't understand that I was still, like I saw her, you know, the last two days in a row, she's in town. Right. Yeah, that's good that you keep it, like, you kind of still take care of her in a way, right? Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah, yeah, definitely. Yeah, and I get pictures of her all the time and when, like, once every two months, she'll come to town. And I just take her for a hike every single day. Does she remember you like the same way she did? She does. She does. And if when I, when I go out,

to where the guy lives. If I show up, she's kind of look, because she's not used to seeing me there. First, they see the shape, then it's the smell, like the whole way the dog brain works or whatever. And then, you know, then she's all back to normal and everything. But I got to tell you, I was nervous meeting her because of the way she was, because I knew at that point she had bonded with the new person and then might view me as like a threat. I mean, the dog was like, dude, that dog, my buddy said that they're, that's Cleo.

Verzi, yeah, Verzi goes, dude, there should be a 30 for 30 on that dog. that dog's life like how it was abandoned by the L.A. River. I mean, so many times, this thing should have just been like, you know, like, whenever the Olympics come around, they always have like those crazy stories that make you tear up, all the shit that they went through. Like, you could do that. On that dog. Yeah. And like, as a pit bull, being that big of a pain in the ass like that, those things, if those

things sneeze, they get put down. It's fucking terrible. But the fact that she's still like living this awesome life makes me feel good. And every time I see her, like, you know, the dude who got him is my former trainer. And he just, like, she has her first dog friend now. Yeah. Every dog she tried to murder now she's like friends with the dog. But like they needed like his level talent.

Like as he says jokingly, he said, yeah, I've been slow cooking her. She's not someone that you're like, okay, this is how it is. And then boom to that. It's just been this year-long thing that she's now finally ready to just. And even when he started hanging, she started hanging out with another dog that was this whole fucking process that he had to go through and totally keep an eye on my dog because my dog does this shit where like when she's going to attack she's in the cage she did that shit but she was out in the open um she just made the decision there was no growling there was no warning she's going

right she just did it she just yeah she would just fucking do it let me read um let me read some of the questions here all right um talk by the way you're gonna you're gonna fucking i can already tell dude You're already wound up about this thing. You're going to fucking murder, dude. Thank you, dear. I'm excited about it. I really am. I feel like this is like, you know, I've been doing this shit for so long,

and I'm at the age right now. Like, if it doesn't fucking pop for me right now, it's not going to fucking happen. No, that's the old, dude, that's the old way of thinking. You're totally in control. Right. I view this business like it's a giant mall, okay? And I have my little store in the mall. And you walk into my store.

Hey, how you doing? I tell jokes. I do a podcast. Right. Got a cartoon. See anything you like? That's what I'm selling. If you don't fucking like it, I get it.

Right. See you later. But when I first got into this business, I would, you know, it's like you're walking around the mall. Oh, my God, they're selling shirts. I got to sell shirts. Right. Oh, fuck. They got sneakers.

I got to, like, do everything. Yeah, fuck that, dude. By the way, your cartoon is fucking hilarious, man. Oh, thank you. Frank Murphy and Vic are my two favorite guys. Oh, yeah. You wait to see. You wait for the third season.

We're editing like fiends. It's going to be out later on this year. I'm not allowed to say exactly when. I don't have an exact date either, but like Netflix has like, you know, they're like the fucking geniuses of this new thing. I remember last time, like, well, last time when I had a special coming out there, they wanted me to come in to meet with them to like talk about discuss promoting it. And I'm thinking like, what the fuck are we going to discuss? Throw up a couple of billboards. I'll talk about my podcast.

Dude, I went in there. Right. It was like Bill Belichick's shit. I can't even explain it. Like I went in there going like, this is ridiculous. This is just an idiot like me with a bunch of dick jokes. And then I just, I watched them breaking down how they were going about promoting it. Right.

Like two people who are watching Netflix and their fucking algorithm and all of that shit judged by what you watched and all that shit. Not saying it's a perfect system. Right. It blew my mind. fucking blew my mind There's a reason why they're global right now And it's not from hanging out with me there All right

Peach Cobbler recipe Hey Billy Krust King I like to bake by the way Really? Yeah I made my daughter You told me that before I made my daughter a birthday cake I'm doing that every year of a life

Geez are you doing the non-GMO With the no gluten The non-tasty frost Oh no there was a bunch of sugar and fucking Nice that's what I'm talking Dead baby seals in it That's a big politically incorrect cake. All right.

Dear Billy Crest King, I am invited to a Super Bowl party. By the way, you know the Patriots are in it again this year. Yeah. Do you realize if Tom Brady gets another ring? Jesus Christ. Him and Bill Belichick will have more rings than every franchise in the NFL except for the Pittsburgh Steelers. They'll be tied.

Wow. Then their entire 50 years. That's crazy. 50-something years of every franchise trying to win one. Brady doesn't lose, though. I'm just letting you know that right now. Yeah, he does. He lost twice to the Giants.

I think this is going to be... Just give him the ring. No, no, no, no, no. That talk makes me nervous. Dude, the Eagles, the Eagles got a fucking horrific, horrifically terrifying fucking running game. Yeah. And Nick Foles is not a backup quarterback. That is a starting quarterback who lost his fucking job.

And he's coming back like a fucking revenge movie. The defense looks fucking great. Right. And I don't think we would have done to the Vikings what they did. So... Okay. Yeah, I don't know. I would say, take the...

I think you're just trying to be humble to keep the gods happy. Take the Eagles and the points. That's what I would do with my money. No, dude, Edelman's out. Gronk got a concussion. Amandola had the game of his fucking life. Did you hear that song, the Amandola song? Uh-uh.

It's like that song Lola. Really? Oh, dude, this fucking... D-O-L-A-Dola. I haven't heard that. Now they play a Nick Foles. In the Super Bowl. That's funny.

In the show. All right. Hey, Billy Crest King, I'm invited to a Super Bowl. Don't worry. Just dudes and nobody interested in commercials or halftime shows. Thank God. And I am the designated dessert maker. You were talking about Peach Cobler on a Monday morning podcast,

but I can't quite remember if it was a recent one or an old one. Anyway, would you mind sharing your recipe with me because I want to have the real deal? I'm from Germany and can't figure out if the first. The recipes I find here are any good. Hope to hear from you and go fuck yourself. I just Googled and looked at pictures and then I found one that look good. Look delicious. This is what I would say.

I would say if the cinnamon, nutmeg, whatever they tell you to fucking put in, add more. Because it always be like an eighth of a teaspoon, a quarter. They're going to make it taste good, but they're not going to make it taste great. So definitely be tasting your filling. And don't be afraid to get a little heavy-handed with some of the spices, especially the cinnamon sugar, a little bit of some butter in there. And then I give it a little dust in before I close the pie up there. Do you really?

Oh, yeah. It's got to be a big, fucking delicious, gooey mess. That's how I do it. Dude, everything's going to be about fucking baking. I'm trying to get you. All right, political relationship advice. Oh, God. Here we go.

All right. I want to hear this one. I literally unfollow people on Twitter. if all they do is talk politics. Yeah. Unless you're rationally kind of trashing both sides, but like, you know, if you, it's going to be like, you know, so Trump just did this. It's just like, all right. Cattle-tailing.

Well, I mean, yeah. I mean, Trump. One side of the front of. Dude, Conan O'Brien had the funniest fucking joke about Trump. They go, how do you handle the whole Trump situation? What's the hardest part about the Trump situation right now? He goes, it's trying to write a joke that's more absurd than what's actually happening. I like how him

Trump on Twitter is just considered normal now that like a president has the time I don't even, like people shit on me all the time. I don't even get back to him. Watching the quote leader of the free world. Right. Just so you know that wasn't a stain on my tie.

That was actually a presidential seal. All right. Political relationship advice. Hey, Billy, Willie, Cunkcock. I don't know what that means. That's a, you know, one with a little bit of alliteration. Two pair. Love the podcast and, of course, a stand-up. Thank you.

You're the only comic that actually makes me bust out laughing. I'll wait till you see Todd's special. Oh, jeez. So I'm a 21-year-old guy, and I've been seeing this girl now for about nine months. She's great, treats me good, loyal, and is pretty. All of these relationship things, they always start off like a horror movie. Well, that was all sunshine, everything. I'm 21, prime of my life.

about to get darker shit. Everything's going great. All right. The main problem I have, though, is she is a big Democrat, big Democratic. Its problem is she's a big Democratic, and he's a super conservative. She's black and I'm almost as white as you. Oh, God, this is like a fucking bad porno. She gets upset when I post political stuff on Facebook like a pro video of Trump, but yet she posts all this stuff about kneeling for flags and Obama is all that. Yeah, dude, this relationship's not going to fucking less. Yeah, it's doomed. She wouldn't even talk to me when I wore a Trump shirt.

Oh, my. Yeah, it's like, dude, like this is a guy who like sort of saw how the Nazis were baited into running over somebody with a car going, well, you know, there's hatred on both sides. Dude, I really want to decide with you, but, you know, this is, this is like astoundingly fucking, like, I respect the fact that you like Trump and all of that shit and you want to wear his t-shirts, but your confusion that she gets upset is a little fucking weird. It pisses me off, but I don't want to ruin the whole relationship over something as dumb as politics. It's too late. Since you were already in an interracial relationship and for a lot longer than me, period. What's your advice, question mark? The lovely Mia. It's Nia with an end.

Can tell me her two cents as well, even though she'll just side with the chick. Just kidding. Thanks. And as always, go fuck yourself. P.S. Tom Brady is the greatest of all time. Sir, I got to be honest with you. Like, if you don't understand why she is upset, you'd have to try to put yourself in her position and then read some of the shit and some of his opinions, I guess, would be the best way to do it. But, like, you're not

just a conservative. If you're, like, rocking the t-shirt, like, you're all in. You know what I mean? Like, my Jewish girlfriend hates when I wear my swastika t-shirt. Now, do you think that's, it's that bad?

I mean, he hasn't run, like... I mean, no, I mean, no, but I'm just saying. Is he like a Trump? Is he like a, is he like a Trump? Is he like a Hitler light? What kind of booze would Hitler be? What's that? Hitler's got to be like moonshine. So where's Trump?

Yeager. He's a Yeager bomb. He's like a shitty bourbon. Gold schlager. Yeah, he's like... Aluminum flakes instead of gold flakes. Yeah, Johnny Walker, red. And there's no...

Bee feeder. Yeah, there's no fucking... Oh, whatever. soft rake to fucking mix with it. What's the worst when you were broke? It's what's the worst beer you ever had? Yeah, college age. Shit.

Milwaukee's best. Milwaukee's... Or Natty Bo, National Bohemian. It was pretty damn bad. Oh, you know what I always hated was fucking Bush Light. Wow. Bush Light was just, like, Bush itself was just, yeah, that was like water. And then they watered that town.

We used to, we used to. I never, you know something? I never got into Papp's Blue Ribbon because I resented the hipsters that were drinking them. Because it used to be this blue collar beer that all these fucking townies drank. And then all these hipster people were wearing their flannel shirts. Well, you know those shirts for a while where they were wearing like the gas station shirt that had somebody else's name on it? Where they actually had to do the fucking job and they found it in some thrift shop. My fantasy was that they ran into the guy who owned this shirt.

And they just walked up like, yeah, hey, else. I'm Jim. You know? It's my shirt. Oh, I just needed a shirt and then he gets the shit kicked out of him. But most of my fantasies are violent. My advice is to, I don't know, get a bunch of empathy. I don't know.

I don't see this thing working. I just don't see it working. That's going to be like, because you guys are so, if you're that far away from each other, you're not going to get married and have kids. no yeah that's like yeah they're gonna be fighting over them politically too like so what are they gonna be democrats and conservatives when they grow up right so that's a whole other can of worms yeah so enjoy banging her and uh while she lets you while she lets you and then i would fucking yeah i would just be like yeah but he's also 21 he doesn't know he generally seems like he doesn't

understand unless that was just you know sometimes people just lie and they write in crazy shit all right girlfriend drinks too much uh Dear Bill, I was hoping you could help me out with the problem I've been having. I've been living with my girlfriend for almost a year now. We were in our mid to late 20s just for some background. Everything's going great except for one thing. We worked regular nine-to-find five-type jobs, which means most of the fun we have is on the weekend. And like most people, we tend to lube up on the liquor while we're out and about, or even just staying in.

Well, I don't think there's anything wrong with drinking. My girlfriend doesn't know her limits. often she will drink way too much too early and end up passing out or throwing up, though commonly both will occur. Wow. Yeah, she doesn't know how to drink. You've got to paste yourself out there. A few examples.

She will insist on watching a movie after we've had a few drinks. We finally decide we'll put it on. And then after 15 minutes she passes out. Then I'll have to stop because, of course, I can't watch it without her. Yeah, well, teach her a lesson. the whole movie and be like, you missed a great one. And in the end, the butler did it. So lay off the booze, because I'm going to start fucking doing that to you. Number two, we went to a hockey game a few weeks ago. And when we got to the arena,

she ordered me a beer and herself two double gin and tonics. Oh, my God. Yeah, she has a problem. We had already had a couple before arriving. She then proceeded to down both of them in 10 minutes before the puck drop and passed out soon after at a hockey game. God. That's a fucking problem. I had to drag her up to stand for the anthem. And again, when they were honoring the troops,

this is fucking, this is like a Kristen Wigg character. She then left for the washroom. That's one of my favorite scenes, though, when she gets fucking wasted on the plane and bridesmaids. And she just goes, when she goes, motherfucker's walking out. She then left for the

washroom, but came back with two more double gins. A hot dog and a bag of popcorn, which she spilled and blamed it on me. Oh, my God. Sounds like an episode of intervention. Even if I did do it, the first thing you're going to do is snitch on me? All right, that just took a left turn. Get the fuck out of here.

We're supposed to be a team, but I digress. Sorry for the rant. Last weekend. My God, these are all like bullet pointed, by the way. In the Uber ride home, she proceeded to whip out her tit to turn. try and seduce me. I told her to put it away because she was in no condition and I didn't want to fuck up my Uber rating.

Passes out wait, what the passenger gets an Uber rating? Oh yeah, the passengers get Uber ratings too from the drivers. That might actually boosted his rating if the driver would look back and saw a sloppy titty hang. With fucking gin and tonic on it. Anyway, they don't

fuck up my Uber rating. She passes out 30 seconds later and pukes in the elevator on the way up to the apartment. It didn't make it a lot. It didn't make a lot of a mess as she was able to hold it back before I got her to the toilet. Oh my God. This guy's just, okay, the piece de resistance. She passed out during the Bill Burr's show at the Sony Center. How do you pass out for that great man who just came in to entertain us? Just to preface, I had an allergic reaction that morning, was toast, had a little bit of weed before the show, and I was able to be fully alert.

But yet you are the one that's falling asleep. Jesus Christ, this is like the fucking war in peace. This is like barfly. Saying all this, however, I have to admit that I'm no saint either. I arguably drank much more than she... I arguably drink much more than she does, but I hold my booze a little better than she does. I probably made her sound worse than she actually is.

He's going to take it all the way now? Right. Don't back pedal now. You only make it look like a drunk. mess. Yeah, but in truth, she's a wonderful girlfriend who cooks for me, cleans for me. It's very beautiful. Well, and fucking live happily ever after. She's not three sheets. She's not puking on the sheets. And as you can tell, is willing to come to a hockey game with me. And yes, she did buy me bill bird tickets for my birthday. She's a truly amazing person and I plan to marry her someday. But this is just getting out of hand. And I want my weekends back. Can you do me a favor and turn that light on?

My fucking eyes are shot here. The sun's going down here. I'm not trying to have a romantic podcast with you. Let's see here. I've had conversations with her before, and when she's sober, she gets it. But it doesn't stop her when she's drunk, and she will get angry at me when I tell her she's had enough, and I can't stop her from sneaking off to get secret drinks with my money.

She feels bad, and I honestly feel guilty writing this to you, and she is truly amazing. I feel like he wrote the first half and then she walked into the room and is looking over his shoulder. But it's tough not only for me, but I know this is not easy on her, but her body sometimes as well. I just want her to be all right and for us to be able to have a good healthy time. I'm not quite sure what to do here. Am I right to tell her that she's got to take it easy, particularly when we go out because it seems to be working? Do I have to set a better example and drink less if at all?

Yeah, I mean, if she's a fucking boozehound, maybe you both, maybe you both try to, uh, drink a little bit less. She might be one of those people, you know, where once she has a kid, she'll just fucking knock all that shit off or. Oh, God, I could just drive her over the edge completely where she just stays hammered all the time. Yeah, you'll have a drunken baby, you know, coming out fucking. Stop emailing at Bill Burr and start emailing Drew Pinsky. Kid comes out dressed like Foster Brooks To do a fucking I love Foster Brooks

The drug the Simulated drunk comedian dude Oh yeah It was fucking hilarious And he And he never really drank Yeah the way of I know

Foster Bruce But he had it down to like He had it down to like Dude that's back when like being an alcoholic Was like funny Right This is how much I have to be careful, though, is talking about all that drinking made me want to drink. Right.

Like, I love it. I fucking, I hate how it makes me feel, though, now. So I kind of, I just lay off it. Craig Robinson didn't drink for a year. And then we just had drinks in Arizona this past weekend. We felt like trash both mornings that we drank. Oh, yeah. And so he was like, yeah, I thought I was back.

After taking a year up, I thought I was back. But I'm good on drinking, I think. I was like, yeah, man, I don't feel good either. I had a headache every day that I woke up. It's an age thing. Like, it's really, it's a young person thing. Like, it, it, like. But we had fun.

We were down to, like, when we were doing those shows, those theater shows, and we would go to, like, the cigar bars. Oh, yeah. I have a drink with cigars. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I still, like, I think what I'm, my drinking maybe will be is, like, this year when I go on the road, I think, like, if I go up for three days, like that middle day.

Yeah. Not the first night because I traveled and not the, you know, the night before I have to go to the airport, but just that middle one and finding a good place. I don't know. That might be the way. Oh, dude, you know what I went to last night? Oh, my God. I went to this fucking, this 80s, like all these bands,

this crazy fucking lineup. Was it the real band or was the tribute bands? No. It was like, dude, it was, what was it? Like, drama rama. Remember them? Holy shit. I can't remember the song.

I can't remember the song. They were all really there? Tone Loak. Oh my God. Fucking the violent femmes, meli-mel. Then the Furious Five. And Boy, George closed. No way.

Dude, it was fucking. What was this? This was at the Microsoft Theater, which used to be the Nokia. Me and Nia went down there. And it was fucking. awesome but I learned a lot about show business watching those people you could tell

like who is sick of singing their hits and who was also like fuck this I'm bringing it and then I also learned you know watching you know you gotta take care of yourself I have a story about that because I swear to God dude if you see a band

that let themselves go it's like depressing like yours you love them and they look like shit. And then all you're thinking is like, oh my God, I'm all, I'm fucking 20 years older than he was when he put that song out. Oh, fuck, we're all going to die. But when you just see a band come out and they kept themselves in shape and they're

fucking killing it, as much as they're older, it's like, like, I'm not going to name names, but I saw one band that made me think like, dude, I'm never drinking again. And then when I saw the violent femmes, like, dude, they just came out and were just a fucking tight, sick-ass band. Like, I watched them. I was like, man, I want to go play drums. I want to practice. I want to get better.

Like, there was nothing, like, negative about watching them. They just came out and, and they went on after, uh, uh, Melly Mell and, uh, Furious Five, who fucking killed. Right. And you couldn't be more of a different band. Polar opposites. Like literally, like the stage would just turn. Oh, yeah.

That's badass. They did that at the I-Hard Radio music festival thing. They have like the band The stage would rotate 180 Yeah And then they'd have the band And then they'd do the sat dressing behind And then they would keep turning

Dude I had ass I loved it I loved it They got like Down in Anaheim They had it And like salt and pepper was on it And a couple of people

It was fucking nuts It was you just knocked out Like 10 of the bands That I should have seen back then Right And uh You know They all sounded great

There was just well I'll tell you off It was just one person That I looked at And it was just like My God But he was just like my God But he was

still singing great, but it's just like, fuck, dude. Right. See, we saw a cameo like six months ago down, I can't remember, but it's like by the water somewhere here in L.A. And Roger Tralman, I remember Roger Blackman. What's that? Yeah. What songs does he sing?

She's on a brick. Oh, yeah. House. Okay. All those, dude, he came, you know, because he used to come out like leather chaps in a cup, you know. Oh, yeah, it was the 70s, yeah. Fucking Coke spoon around his.

neck, dude, he's still doing this. Like, he came out with the belly, you know, like bad hips and knees, and he's still wearing a cup, but he was like his leather pants in the back looked like a diaper. And he would come out and he just like do this little like trying to be sexy and

swivel his hips and my wife is dying laughing. She was like, he needs to fucking stop. Yes. Stop, stop doing that. No, but even when you keep yourself in shape. Yeah, he was not in shape. He was blown. But you can't do that sexy shit. And

I'm telling you, that is a self-involved baby boomer thing that is being passed down. Like, dude, Madonna is an unfucking believable shape for her fucking age. But when she starts twerking, it's just like, ah, mom, what are you doing? Right. You can't, yeah, and then it's like the older guy. What you've got to do is you got to like, I used to talk to DeRosa about this. You know, you got to dress like Dana White. Right.

When you get older, right? Like Dana White is roughly my age. Dana White, you know, he wears a suit. He wears the college shirt. Doesn't have the tie. He doesn't have the tie all right. So he's a little bit relaxed, but he's dressed like he doesn't look like a creep. You know what I mean?

But if he was to show up, you know what I mean? I'm not just putting it on him. Just saying that fucking look. But you take a guy the same age, my fucking age, and you're going to try to fucking pull off like a tank top. Like even like when you watch these, these, those P90X things, right? The old guys that are working out? The 58 year old.

guys with the abs. It's like, dude, amazing. Put your fucking shirt on because there's nothing they can do for the loss of elasticity in your fucking skin. Yeah, you're decomposing in front of me. I have a couple. You should be sitting in a giant fruit bowl. Little, little fruit flies flying around you. So I learned a lot. Like I watched those bands and it was the people that were comfortable with their age and kept themselves in shape and came out and were having a good fucking time

it was just like oh man this is fucking great and you would like you just were really excited but if they came out like you know they'd fucking they're still fucking party and like you know

Keith Richards back in the day and then they're coming out and you're gonna still wear like leather and shit right uh HDNet had this concert series a couple years ago and they were show these commercials

for the for the concert series and they showed Steppenwolf, right? You don't know what you can find. Gonna come with me, little girl. And then that middle section that goes on for fucking ever. Remember used to work in a warehouse. That whole fucking the psychedelic part. Yeah.

Goes on for, sorry, I interrupted your story. That's all right. But they would show like them playing concerts back in like the 70s and it would be jam-packed arena and people going crazy in the crowd. And then they show them now like it was smash cut from them. to now. Now they're playing on like an outdoor stage and the entire audience

of only about 300 people are sitting on this lawn in like lawn chairs. I know because we're old too. Yeah, all the people that loved them back then are old now too. So it's like watching people perform at like Shady Eggers' retirement community. I know. But those

guys are like 70. I know. I'm sure the band still sounds great and everything, but it's got to be weird. I'm just like like fuck, we still have to make money. I'm like Yeah, well, and a lot of those guys, they got, they got so stolen from and just completely ripped off. And then you add that if somebody got divorced and shit. Yeah, you're going to be singing that song. I just realized I crossed my legs wearing slippers in fronty.

I'm sorry. Those are great slippers. They are great slippers. No, I finally bought some new socks and I just want to, I want to try to keep them white for a while. Is that a thing for you? That's why I wear black socks. Oh, that? Well, I can't wear black socks if I have on, like, dark sneakers, though.

Why not? I mean, I can't wear white socks with dark sneakers. I'm sorry, if I have white sneakers, I need white socks. Really? Yeah. I guess, yeah. I have mostly white sneakers, no offense. Okay.

No, but I think a lot of those guys, that that's what ends up happening. So I think the way to do it is, and I haven't figured out how to get into the game yet, is you get to a certain point. When you're at the height of your earning power, I think you should argue. be planning your graceful exit from this business because it's so brutal. So I think rather than going out and buying flashy shit

fucking hovercraft and all the dumb shit that artists buy, start buying rental units. I'm not buying a helicopter. I'd love to, but I can't justify. Like maintaining it too? I can't fucking paint the ass.

I got a kid now, man. I can't fucking smash cut. You know what's cool is I'm doing Irvine On Tuesday and Wednesday You know that's like You know it's like two hours of traffic Oh dude yeah I'm I'm renting a little 22 Shut the hell up

Are you really? I'm going right over it in like 20 minutes Oh my God That's fucking awesome It is awesome yeah Oh my God Dude fuck The five

I did my time I did my time I'm not fucking doing it Yet another comedian talking about how horrific the traffic was during the first 10 minutes. How about I go up there and be the comic who's in a good mood? That's what people are coming out for. I was 10-minute helicopter ride.

Oh, yeah. That's fantastic. Oh, right up and fucking over it. And this is the thing. Are you able to land like in the parking structure? I'm going to land right on the roof of the improv. No. We're trying to find, you got to call up.

It's interesting. Like, every time you fly, you learn something. So I'm learning this time is like they'll have this, all these helipads. So you can even go beyond the airports because I was thinking like, John Wayne is close by, but then there's another one that's even closer. But then there's like these helipads on top of buildings and all around. But you just have to call them and tell them. And you're going to fly down on solo?

No, no, no, no, no. I don't have confidence to fly at night. I fly solo during the day, but at night, it's just a whole different ballgame. And I'll never forget one night doing a night flight. I was with an instructor and how you transition the airspace. LAX is either you fly under, you're not underneath it, but you're along the coastline, flying like 100 feet off the water, which is awesome and scary as shit. And or you fly over Sepulveda over like those glow stick things.

Yeah. It like, you know, I think it's like 2000. I've only done it once, like 2,000 feet or above. So at night we flew over us over the Sepulveda one. And, you know, it's fucking freaky because there's all these. Jets coming in that if you're at the same altitude, altitude would T-bone you. So we're flying. I go, yeah, man, I go, look how big that airport.

That's crazy. And how big these planes are landed here. And he just goes, yeah, there's one right there. And it was like almost underneath us. But because when you're looking down and there's not a lot of streetlights, and there's just the lights from the city, I didn't see like a fucking, you know, 740, not 747, whatever the fuck they fly now. I don't even know what the numbers are anymore.

It was like going right underneath us. And I was just like, wow. You didn't see that. No. He did. This is when I was getting my license, so I didn't know how to look for shit and everything. So night flying is an entirely, entirely different game. So I'll be flying down with one of my instructors.

But if it was like the if it was the fucking summertime, though. But every time it's going to, by the end of the show, it's going to be dark out. But that is a goal of mine. Right. Because I would love to fly solo. Let me ask you this. How much does it cost? it would it cost you to do that to fly down?

Because you have to like rent the vehicle and. It's like 300 bucks. I mean, it's a decent amount of money, but it's also like... That's not that bad though. Yeah. It's not ridiculous.

I'm like, you're just going to cost me $8 grand, but... No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. No, nothing like that. It's like $300 and then, uh, and it's fun. And then I get another like, I'll get like another, I'm going to get another two hours under my belt flying at night.

And, uh, I got, at this killer fucking instructor right now. My auto rotations are the best they've ever been where they basically. So we'll fly around now and he just sort of like, he'll just out of nowhere go engine failure. And then you just have to pick a fucking spot.

And, you know, you just I mean, we don't take it all the way down to the ground. I just land on somebody's fucking front yard. But I have learned so much. I always had great instructors, but this guy that I have now is really got my confidence back up again.

for me to go solo and everything would be, you know, I would have the confidence to do it. But what's good is I'm super fucking cautious. I'm not one of those people, you know, with the fucking 902.10. Look at my face, you know, show up with like a fucking scarf. No, but there's a lot of people that get their license. And once they get their license, they stop their training. And because they know how to fly. And then, you know, and then they just start flying around.

Oh, my God. Yeah. Didn't you fly your parents? Yeah. Then when they came out here and visited it, but I also did that with like an instructor. And that was. Were they impressed? Your parents blown away that?

They definitely, they had a good time. They're very conservative people. So, you know, sometimes you don't necessarily know what they're thinking. They weren't going crazy. They weren't going crazy. They were just like, that was nice. It was very, very enjoyable. It was exhilarating.

My heart is beating out of my chest. right now. No, my dad had a pilot's license. It has a pilot's license because once you get it. So, like, he... No, he had fixed swings. So he knew a lot of the shit that was going on.

So, you know, but my mother thought it was awesome. She loved it and wasn't scared at all. My dad, I think, because he had a license, understood probably more the danger of it and that type of shit. So he probably thought it was a little squirrelly when we were 100 feet off the fucking water flying

on any, you know, the jets or whatever, but I'll tell you, it's one of the great things that I've done in my fucking adult life. And I don't know, but we're not here to talk about me. We're here to talk about you. We've already done an hour and 15 minutes, just like that. Hey, can I come down the night of your tape? Dude, I want nothing more than come down there. All right.

Well, some people, you know, like me, I'd be like, no, I don't want anybody there. Nobody I fucking know. So it's just one more thing for me to think about. We're going to do like, you know, I'm going to come on. I'm going to be brought from offstage. I have another comedian opening for me. I got a Frankie Quignonette's who does the Cholo Fit videos. Uh-huh.

And he usually tours the Craig and I. And so I'm going to have someone bringing me on stage from offstage. Uh-huh. You got that fucking voice there. Oh, yeah. I'll definitely do it. I'll definitely do it. Yeah.

I mean, just double-checked my schedule. I'm 99% sure I'm in town, right? Okay. February 11th? February 11th. It's a Sunday, day. Yeah. What have I got?

I got Reno. I got Santa Barbara. Then I got the Patrice O'Neal benefit towards the end of the month. Oh, man. That's right. I met Patrice's mom and sister with you. That was fucking amazing. Oh, yeah. That was great. They're the best. They're the best. Hey, so I'll, I'll tell you this. When you do sound check, just make sure, speaking of Patrice, because I remember one time he did some taping and the sound wasn't right. And when it came time for him to do his taping, you know, they thought he was a pain in the ass, but he was like, the sound isn't right. And he was like, I want to be the loudest thing in the room. So make sure your monitors. so you know you got to just make sure that is right right that's fucking right then it's like your lightsaber is totally on and you know you know that deal if you get up there and you can't

fucking hear yourself and god knows when you go to tape there's always somebody who fuck something like that oh i thought it'd be good to just have the sound way down you know um just make sure all of that shit's right and then just go up there and kill it uh yeah that's the plan I've never seen you so fucking nervous. Dude, I'm not nervous. I'm just like, I'm anxious. I know you are. I'm a little nervous.

If you were doing it tonight. I could tell this whole podcast. Yeah. Well, also, I don't want to be loud because I'll know your daughter's sleeping. Oh, okay. I know. Dude. But, and I'm tired and a little bit hungover.

Other than that. But other than that. And a little bit. Yeah. I always want to like this, whenever I have one of those coming up, I just feel like, just, can you just bring me up now in my slippers? Right. So I just go out.

there and just fucking that just do it the waiting waiting is the worst part right that's the worst all right well that's the podcast dude i'm so psyched i'm so and i can't wait for me on to do this i can't wait to see it and i can't wait to see it and i can't wait to see you finally getting your name out there and everybody knowing how fucking hilarious you are i need this more than anything in the world right now you got four fucking kids they're going to be in college at some point right you're going to need this this already out of college so i know yeah you got a nice spread there right yeah 24 to 7 yeah 24 to 7 there you go 24 7 there all right man Todd Rex everybody once again

you're just walking into the room yeah the satellite la.com for tickets I'll definitely be tweeting this out February 11th it's a Sunday 730 and 930 in Silver Lake Los Angeles it's the weekend after the Super Bowl so you know you're going to be all depressed that football is over for another six months come on out and see one of the best comics I No. All right. That's the podcast. Go fuck yourselves. I'll check in on you on Thursday. Oh, geez.