Old ESPN, Food, Canada | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 11-13-25
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00:43Hey, what's going on?It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcast,and I'm just checking in.Checking in on you.Ooh, what's going on?Hawaii. Oh boy, it's Thursday, everybody. It's time for Thursday afternoon football.No, Thursday night football. So, old freckles has a fucking gambling theory that has beenworking and this week I have to use it against my own New England Patriots. Division rivalry,
01:22Thursday night game. The underdog is getting more than five and a half points. You'reYou take the fucking underdog, right?So this week it's the Patriots first, the fucking hapless jets,coming off their second victory of the year against the Cleveland Browns.The second iteration of the Cleveland Browns,the first iteration, of course, being the Baltimore Ravens.Hey, who gets to claim that NFL title that they won in like 1965?I mean, that belongs to the franchise, right?
01:55So isn't that the Baltimore Ravens?so they've won two Super Bowls and an NFL titlewell they won a bunch with Otto Graham in the 1950s but the last one that they wonwas 1965 so it's weird so like the city it's kind of like the Laker bullshit rightlike the fucking I don't know it doesn't make any sensethe franchise has those Minneapolis Lakers championshipsbut the people from L.A. claim them which is bullshitBut you know what I mean?
02:28And when Laker fans go,oh, you know, it was a fucking long time ago, bro.I just go, oh, yeah, well, what if the Lakers moved to Vegas next year?And then they won the championship.And what would you do if everyone in the city of Las Vegas was going?We got 17.Suck it, bitches.It's a complicated thing that moving around.
02:52So anyways, I think we have.the better coach, but I really just feel like with only three, four days to prepare,it helps the lesser team, and it helps the lesser coach.It brings down the better team of the better coach.So, so, so, so I'm going to, I'm going to do it.I don't give a fight.And I don't give a shit about losing this, but if it's fucking, you know, my team's going to win.Sorry, I'm half asleep.
03:24I got an acting gig today.out here in Los Angeles.A lot of stuff, you know, starting to shoot here in Los Angeles, you know.I've been seeing the trucks around makes me feel good.So I got a couple days on this thing.And so I had to get up early.I've been working my fucking ass off.So, and I can't believe, like, the Phantom Lynn syndrome I've been having about baseball being over.
03:49You know, I watched a lot of Red Sox games this year.But, like, when the players.off started.Sorry, I'm Yonnik here.It's too early.I fucking didn't watch any of the Red Sox Yankees.I didn't watch one second of it.The same way I didn't watch any of the Celtics
04:07versus the fucking Dallas Mavericksin the NBA finals.I just don't want my kids to see me that way.I got to start watching out of my car.You know, you can get you like your fucking windows tintI should get like soundproof windows and just be what the fuck there's a fucking strike likeI just don't want my kids to see that um I've really like gone out of my way to hide all of thatfucking craziness from my upbringing it's been working out they are two happy go lucky kids
04:49that express themselves you know they're loud the kids that Iwalking around on fucking eggshells like every kid from my generation being fucking scaredshitless of your dad um a lot of pent up pent up fucking rage back in the day so anyway how aboutthe Boston Bruins they keep one and two I've been so busy I just keep checking the boxscores that's what I miss about getting the fucking paper dude you know blowing by all thatsmart shit in the front section and just going right to the sports page um i remember like the earlydays of ESPN and all of that they still didn't show like a ton of games i mean they like ESPN ifyou can believe it like after they did sports center they had like fucking workout shows from
05:47moms it was a lot of this like aerobic shit and like you know they was sort of trying to fill up24 hours of the channel.So there was still that, that, I still remember that periodwhere you would be looking up box scoresfrom like the late games out westand see like Dave Semenko fought, you know, whoever.And there was no fucking highlights of it, really.Now you just go on your goddamn phone.
06:16I will say I don't bring my phone downwhen I'm acting.When I'm pretending, when I'm an adultand I'm pretending to be somebody who I'm not,I never bring my phone down to set.And that's how you said, down to set,not down to the set.For some reason, you say set.
06:34He's on set.He's going down to,he didn't bring it to set.At first I thought it was,when I first heard it,I thought they were saying Seth.Like who's Seth sounds like a producer?But anyway, I do still make sure I get in my duo lingo for the day.
07:08I'm up to like 413 or 414 days in a row.And it's so funny, they try to get you to like compete with other people learning languages.you know, to get to these different levels.It's so dumb.You've moved up to the diamond level.Oh, boy, what do I get?You know, I don't get it.So, of course, I was buying into it,
07:37and I'm just like, they're not making this fun.It was much more fun to just learn the language.And then somewhere along the line,they added this competition fucking thing.It's like the fucking food network.The food network is just a bunch of,They used to teach you how to cook, how to blanchet, how to fucking, like, MOLTO Mario was the bestfucking show they ever had with Mario Battali.
08:07I still have some of his cookware.Yeah, it's called the Me Too Molta.The Me Too Mario.I got a crock pot of his fucking piece.soup green.The big fucking M on top.That was like the best show.He would have a couple of friends over.
08:31I don't know what he did after the show.But he would have a couple of friends over and then he would just make him a meal.And he would talk about the part of Italy where it came from, you know, the differentregions around that area, the way they make a similar dish and claim that whatever dish he'smaking is not the proper way to make it and all that and you get into the whole like oh this iswhy italians are so great you know and making food like they they the level that they give a shit aboutit's weird i guess they were competing over there or just saying that you know you don't knowhow to do it the way we do it i don't know those fucking shows give me they just give me
09:15anxiety there's never enough time there's never the right ingredients they always have like thesefucking bizarre ingredients and then they just, did I tell you guys, when I was over in Italy thisyear, we were staying really close to the border of Switzerland. And I wasn't even thinkinglike about Switzerland. And just at one point I just sort of looked at the map to really seewhere I was in northern Italy. So I say to my laugh, I say, you know, Switzerland's right there. We'dnever been there. Just to checkit off, just to say we've been to Switzerland, let'sjust, you know, looks like it's a
09:5620 minute drive. Let's just gogo to Switzerland.She goes, all right, we'll have dinner one night.So we go to have dinner one night.We go to this, thisfancy, fucking shmancyrestaurants, which I fucking, I don't likefancy, I like good food.
10:12All right? I'm not going to say, like, I liketo eat some gavage.But like,you know, those fancyrestaurants, they fucking bring the thing out. And there's like a 20 minutes, it's not 20 minutes,but there's a long, like, speech that somebody has to give and they have to tell you about all of thefood. So I guess they think if you went to the restaurant, you're really into food. Andyeah, I'm just like, you know, dude, I'm like really hungry and I want to eat what you have
10:47and I trust that it's good.I don't need to know.I'm going to forget everything that you saythe second you're donebecause all I'm doing is looking at itgoing like, I want to fucking eat that.Can you just please stop talking about it?It's getting cold.
11:00Stop describing what the fuck I'm going to hear.It's funny if McDonald's did that.Okay, this is a pig slime burger.Pink slime isyou know it's the stuff off the slaughterhouse floor that we used to hose off the floor for decadesand then one day some absolute lunatic that had the title of CEO is like why do we keepwasting that is there a way to feed that to fellow not only fellow human beings but our fellowcountrymen and we were like hey man you know if you want to take this fucking scum off the
11:43floor and feed it to men, women, and children. I mean, if that's what I got to do to keep my healthinsurance, I'll fucking do it. So that's what's in this burger. Enjoy. The French fries werefried in pigeon oil. Don't ask. There's a lot of pigeons. You know, a lot of them die.They got oil in them. What are we going to waste it? Anyway. Yeah, so the Bruins keepfucking winning. I want to know what's going on. Everytime I put it on, I see either pasta'sscoring or he's doing one of hisit looks like it's going to be a rista
12:21and all of a sudden it's a passto the other side and somebody does a onetimer. Morgan Geeky.Fucking top shelfdude. Leading the league and goals.Fucking incredible.But anyway,I forgot to say, you know, last week when I
12:39mentioned I wasI had a gig up there inVancouver.This is how amazing that cityof Vancouver is, okay? Because I know I was telling you,I was staying downtown where all the junkies are.On like Hastings,hasty Hastings, that area, right?
12:59And,but we shot on thiscollege campusthat I want to say was southof the city.And we pull up to wherelike all the trailers are.and it's right on the water and in the trees across them are fucking bald eagles
13:21and they were flying occasionally one would fly out of the tree go into the water and come outwith the fish and then just go back to the tree and eat it this is in a city um i'll tell you thisunlike my leader right nowthe guy giving ginger's a bad nameI actually like Canadaand I think it says a lot about youif you have a problem with CanadaI really don't understand how you could have a problem
13:55with Canadaokay well I mean Ibut as a white person I don't understand how you couldoh there's alwaysthere's always a loophole.As a white person,I don't understandhow you could have a problem,
14:16how you could have a problem with Canada.I had such a fucking good time up there.The people are friendly.And the cities are beautiful.Montreal, Ottawa,the major ones.Toronto.Yeah, Winnipeg's a little, you know,
14:32I don't know.Calgary's decent.then you got edmonton it's way the fuck up there um that's all i can say about edmonton it'sway the fuck up there um i haven't spent too much time i've done gigs there but i'm always likecoming through and then i leave i did go to a hockey game at northland's coliseam a long time agoand then vancouver is gorgeous but anyway i've been continuing on with my i almost said grocerywith my Christmas shopping, my fucking Christmas shopping, dude.My goal, as mentioned numerous times,
15:21is I want to get it all done by the end of Novemberand have it like just wrap each one of these fucking thingsso I can just enjoy December.I don't know why I didn't do this back in the day when I was drinking.Well, probably because I was drinking.but you know if you really want to get after it you know let's just let's talk about the positivesides of alcohol if you really want to just fucking get after it this year you had all of thesefucking holiday parties coming up you know but if you're so stressed like oh god i got to go get
15:55up in the morning i go to the mall or whatever the fuck people do i got to go on the internetand see if the shit isn't air quote sold out that fucking bullshit that you go on a website andthey say it's sold out. What do you mean sold out? I'm going directly to the manufacturer.You got a whole fucking factory of them. You're just saying this is sold out because the other shitisn't moving. So now you think I'm going to come in here. You know, like when you go to thosefancy restaurants, hey, can I get the fucking breakfast sandwich? Oh, we sold out. What do you meanyou're fucking sold out? It's eggs and bread, you asshole. You're running a fucking restaurant.It's 9.30 in the morning. How the fuck did you already run out of eggs and bread?
16:34I don't rest.Get some fucking chickens, you cunt.I don't, I don't, whatever.Sold out.Hey, look at this nice watch.Hey, can I buy that?No, it's not for sale.Everybody's doing that, uh, that Birkenbag shit.
16:59Now, Birkenbag is one of the dumbest fucking things.In fashion.Okay?And they're not even good looking bags.And for some reason, people just want them because they don't make them.Then it becomes exclusive.It's like the ultimate, look what I got.Like, you know what a fucking Birken bag is?
17:26It's the new iPhone for whores.You know those tech nerds?Like it's, they got to get the new phone.I'm not going to name this person, but I knew somebody.I still know somebody that was so into technology.They had to get the iPhone every time the first day it came out.They had to get it.And then they had to take it out when they were at the comedy club, you know,
17:59and just be scrolling on it, just to be scrolling on it for someone to be like,He's at the iPhone 9?Oh my God, right?This dude one time, he wanted the new phone so bad.He was busy, had like an audition.He made his wife go down there and stand in line to get a fucking phone.I was like, dude, why don't you just wait a week?In a week, there's not going to be a line.
18:29You can just walk in there like a goddamn person.He's like, I don't know, dude, I got to have it.It's just, it's my fucking thing.Technology's just my thing.And I was like, all right, you know what?Fair enough.Fair enough.I don't know.
18:48Like, what more do you need the phone to do?Like, how much clearer does the camera and the video have to be?It's already clearer than real life.You can already alter, you know, make it look like it's on film, make it look like it's onPolaroidyou knowPhotoshop shitcreate something that didn't even happen
19:13what the fuck else do you need to do?I don't knowanywayso I got to knock out a couple more thingsand I got the major shityou know you always got to have like the big thinglike I don't have the big thing yet for my wifeand she's not helping me
19:30I'm like, what do you want, what do you want for Christmas?She's like, uh, you know, I don't, I don't know, which is great.That should make me happy, you know, what are the odds of that?You have a woman in your life and she doesn't feel like she needs anything?I mean, that's, that's pretty amazing.But you got like the pressure of the holiday.So it's like, you got to, you got to tell me something.Well, I don't, I don't need anything.
20:03Well, fucking just say you do, and I'll go buy it and I'll give it to you.Anyway, let me do some of the reads here.Reads.Um, all right.Oh, true work, everybody.T-R-U-E-W-R-K, and that's fucking it.True work.Fall weather changes fast.
20:28Yeah, it's because there's no fall anymore.It's called fucking global warming.Hot, cold, wet, and windy, sometimes all in one shift.Hey, you don't like the weather.Stick around for a while.You know me cities do that joke thinking that they have the craziest weather?True work is performance workwear, built like it matters because it does.Founded by trade professionals, by a trade professional.
20:54He was tired of getting wet.He's tired of wet, heavy gear.weighing him down. This guy had shit to do. So he created true work. True work set out to makeworkwear that keeps pros comfortable, capable, and ready for whatever the day throws at them.Dude, how many fucking hipsters who don't even work outside are going to buy this shit?Designed with advanced performance fabrics for lasting comfort, all day mobility, and year-roundjob site protection. Every piece is tested on job sites with trade pros. So when conditions change,you're still ready. Over 5,000, oh sorry, over 50,000 five-star reviews from pros in every trade and every
21:37climate. Best option is a statement like, I use this and you should too. Oh, I should say this.Next best option. If I had needed this product, it's what I'd use. All right. Before I was infucking show business and I worked outside landscaping, eight days I lasted as a great.grunt on a construction site and I unloaded trucks in a warehouse.God damn it.I wish they had true wear.What do we have back then?We had a ski parker.
22:12Upgrade your day with workware built like it matters.Get 15% off your first order at truework.com with code burr.B-U-R-R-R-K-com.T-R-U-E-W-E-R-K.com.arc raiders everybody thank you to embark studios bringing us their new game arc raiders a multiplayer extraction adventure video game set in a lethal future earth explore an immersive post-apocalyptic world scarred by conflict and reclaimed by nature a living surface where weather enemies and shifting conditions heighten the constant threat of arc communities are forced below ground to surviveJesus, this is amazing.Scavage, survive, thrive in a new extraction adventure.Arc Raiders, available now on PlayStation 5, Xbox Series X, S, and PC, rated T for T.
23:10Something.Does anybody remember that?You know, when they talk about, like, 80s fashion, do they remember that for a while, like, ski jackets?You had to have a ski jacket.Instead of a winter jacket, you had a ski jacket, like you were going skiing.It was actually a fashion thing for a while.Man, that was a weird time.It was really a weird.
23:34Sweets by Eby, ski jackets,and then the amount of kids parting their hair down the middleand their hair just did not want to do it.They would somehow figure out a way.If you had a cowlick, you just couldn't do it.Okay.Ridge Wallet, everybody?Anybody walking around
23:58with the same haircut as Shempfrom the fucking three stoogessome of them had a shempmullet. It was unrealand it would come downto your ski jacketthat you had with the fucking collar poppedand like
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25:15and i just fucking scrolled back up to the top my apologies where the hell is itRidge Wallet.Say hello, 12.It's 10%.I just did it again.I just did it again.Sorry, sorry.What the f?
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27:14After your purchase, they will ask you where you heard about them.please support our show and tell them our show sent youfucking black Fridayit's coming up againit's coming up againwhere you get to seewhere the economy is by how many peoplehow bad the economy is by how many people get trampled to death
27:40oh godCan you imagine that?What the fuck?Like,you're not allowed to yell fire in a crowded movie theater,but for some reason you can say there's one PlayStation in this storethat we're going to sell to you for eight bucks.And then have a bunch of people that are struggling financially line up outside.
28:13Most addicted to salt and sugar.They're all, they're fucking,obese. It's just, it's one of the saddest things ever.You know, you'd think one year, just one year.One of these CEO cunts would just stand down there and be like, you know what?What are you looking for, sweetheart? Here, just take it. I'm writing myself a fucking nine-figurebonus, and I didn't do shit this year other than lay off a bunch of people. You knowall these people standing in line now? Ready to talk.
28:47trample one another. We're at a risk their ownfucking lives for agoddamn PlayStation.Because the kid wants itand I'mleveragingtheir unconditional love for theirkid while laying them off
29:04creating thisfuckingthe tragedy that's about to happen.I don't know.I don't understand these fuckingI don't understand people.They just look at people as like these thingsto manipulate and just fucking make money of these.
29:27I'm telling you.Trump has the right idea with these fucking vans.He's just putting the wrong people in him.He should be just going around getting all the fucking CEOs.That's what he should be doing.Oh, the sociopaths.You know, there's nothing wrong with rounding up people.as long as you're doing the right ones.
29:50You know, and fortunately, I know who those people are.That's why nobody should have a fleet of vansand a crew of people that are willing to do anything that you say.Because everybody in their heart of heartshas a list of people that if they had access to a security service and vans,everybody has a list of peoplethat they would put in the vansand everybody thinks that they're right.
30:23Why don't you guys send me in your list?Like what groups of people?And it just has to be groups of...I don't want to do any racist shit or anything like that, all right?Let's keep this funinstead of the realityof what's going on out there.Like your list of people
30:41that you would put in the van.You know,if I was running out of,alligator alcatraz this is who i would put in there um let's try to avoid the obviouslike what i was just saying fucking heartless CEOs and the politicians they own umyou know it'd be funny as a as a comedian if you had like too many bad sets and too short a periodtime you give the van just pulls up and just takes you you can't you can't do this anymoreAll right.
31:19Those people are never going to get that 20 minutes back.You did it six times in the last six.Well, you're allowed to bomb once a week.Be funny.And then, like, you know the van's coming.Like, you've got to have a good set.So the fucking pressure would be starting to eat at you.You start getting, like, the flop sweat.
31:47I don't know.A fucking weird time we're living in.All right.Anyway, that is the podcast.Oh, Billy Freckles is rooting for his Patriots,but I'm taking the Jets.They're fucking laying 13 and a half.It's Thursday night football.
32:02This theory has been working for me,and I'm sticking with it.All right?Have a great weekend, your cunts.Be nice to each other.Don't give into this fucking,all of this craziness on the internetaround the world and all of that.
32:17shit you can still be a good fucking shit day don't cost nothing all right i'll talk to youwhat's going on it's bill burr and it's time for the monday morning podcast for mondaynovember 13th 2017 what's going on how are yeah what's going on i am in new york cityBump, b'u-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-do-d-do.Oh, that's actually Hollywood.What the fuck am I thinking?That's not a New York song, right?Ba-ba-ba-da-ba-da-ba-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da.
33:04That's Hollywood, right?That's a New York song.Start spreading the nose.Right?I don't fucking know.I'm all over the map here.I'm winding down this trip.I just wrapped up my acting gig on front runner.
33:22I want to thank everybody that allowed me to be on that movie.I had such a great time.I met so many great people on that shoot.And the last night of the shoot, I actually got to do a scene with the star of the movie, Hugh Jackman.And I can't even tell you how great that experience was.He might be one of the nicest guys I've ever met in my life.uh totally cool big guy too he's like six four or something big guy totally cool nice as fuckingdude ever then you start doing the scene right and if his character in the scene was getting
34:00mad and like frustrated with us dude and he went into that wolverine thing a little bit i was justlike jesus christ i would not fuck with this guy just an amazing amazingactor andI was the coolest thinglike on the last nightwe had like two things to shootlike one quick thing in a carand then the whole rest of the thing was
34:25usyou know like me and two otheractress and Hugh Jackman and it was just likeit was uh yeahwe shot that the whole night and it was one of those thingswhere you're like I wouldn't really careif we continued shooting this scene tomorrow I'm havingso much fun you know I found out I actually
34:42I like to runwhen I actand this scene involved merunning into running beforeI delivered themy lines or whateverand I found that I really liked thatand I was just like wow
34:56no wonder I always likeWilliam Shatner and T.J. HookerI know I've talked about this beforebut if you ever watch T.J. HookerI don't think in the history of televisionthey ever made an actor runfarther than they made William Shatnerwho was well into his 50s by then
35:16they would just have like thisthe master shot of the sceneand I don't want to get all Hollywood here on youbut the master is just when you go to shootthe scene is you're justit's a wide shot and you're capturing every characterin it or you're establishing the placethe setting I have no fucking I think that's what it is
35:35right they would just they would just be standingon the other side of a wharf a runwaylike William Shathe chased after planes and they would just start and he would come running around the corner andhe would always be like 70 yards away and they'd be playing this fucking music with the bongosin the background and you would watch him just full speed running a man in his 50s all right andthis is like the 80s so no guys stretched unless you were on like you know you had to be likein the Olympics and even then if you watch like the old NFL films the way that they would
36:11stretch you know what I mean they weren't doing like any just sort of you know doing a forwardbend none of that yoga shit it was like touch your toes touch your hips touch your shouldersdo a jumping jack come back down or whatever the fuck they would do one two three four that type ofstuff um running in cop shoes full speed for a good 80 yards there's actually a greatyoutube video that i think i posted before of we of of tj hooker running um so anyways i had theI had the best timeand did the perfect amount of time on the moviebecause right when it ended I came right here to New York
36:46and then I'm going to go back in the rest of my yearother than like two road gigs, I am doneand I'm going to get to spend this ridiculous amount of quality timewith my wife and daughterand I can't wait.I'm totally getting into the Christmas spirit this yearnot to the point of sacrificing Thanksgiving.You know?
37:07I might even put up a couple of little, like cut out turkeys in my house.I head out Thanksgiving just gets passed over, you know what I mean?Gets passed over like a, I don't know, like a person that should have got the job but didn't, right?But I'm totally getting into it, and I'm still sober.It was 84 days on Thursday, so 85, 86, 87, 88, Eric Lindrosse, 88, Lynn Swan, right?Isn't he, 88?88 days, not boozing, and I think I'm going to go for the 100.I don't know, you know.
37:48I think I'll be, let's see, I'll be 91 on Thursday, a week from Thursday, it'll be 98.And then it'll be Thanksgiving and what?I'm not going to have a little brandy in my eggnog there.I'm big with the brandy on the eggnog, you know.That's what I would have added to the great Opie and Anthony Bitt, the eggnod.O'B. Anthony and little Jimmy, right?Do you think those guys are loving it back together, do like a reunion tour?They should have like a one-off, you know, like a tour.
38:17You know, like the police got back together?They should do that with great radio shows where everybody eventually, you know,just got sick of each other and went the other way.But the fans are still sitting there like, come on, man.Just do one more tour, man.They should all get together, you know.I think it'll have.If Guns and Roses can get back together,
38:37rightI don't fucking knowanywaysplowing ahead of youI'm totally going to get into the holidaysand I don't knowI don't know about the drinking thingI think I'm done for a while
38:52like I saidI want to go sting in my 50sI'm turning 50 in JuneandI want to make sureI don't knowthat's a critical fucking decaderight
39:07that's that oneyou knowpeople likefucking diein their 50sso I gotayou just
39:14that's when peoplejust startdyingI mean peopleI've gotI've alreadylostlike I've lost
39:24counthow many fuckingfriendsI actuallyI have a liston myphoneso I don't forget
39:28all thecomicsthat I've knownthat have diedumby the wayall menall men
39:35out of the25, they're all men.So all these women out there, like, you don't understand how difficult it is to be a woman.It's like, lady, I got 25 dead friends.They're all guys.Okay?I don't know what the fuck is going on with us.But whatever you guys are, there's something that you guys, something in your life is easier.
39:55I know in this age of feminism where it just has to be, everything is so fucking much harder for a woman.There is one easy thing.One easier thing for a woman.and it really is the most important thing,and that is staying alive.Where the fuck is my phone?I got them all, like I got,and I'm probably going to forget a few people.
40:21All right?Let's see here.These are all the fucking peoplethat I knew that are gone here.All right.It all started with Mitch Hedbergin like March, I think, at 2005.Mitch Hedberg, Freddie Soto, Mitch Malaney, Robert Schimel, Bernie Mac, Dave Fitzgerald, Kevin Knox, Bob Seidbell, Bob Lazarith, Rich Seisler, Otto from Otto and George, Greg Gerardo, Patrice O'Neill, Todd Lynn, Sam Brown, Charlie Murphy, Scott Kennedy, John Pernett, Richard Jenny, Mike DeStefano, Ralphie May, and Pete Cumman.
40:56those are all the people thatI knew really wellor worked with as a comedianthat have all died since 2005except for Dave Fitzgerald. He died earlier.He died in like 2001. He was a Boston comic.And I probably forgot a few people.You know, club owners,
41:20Manny Dorman, Lucian Holt.And then I have like, let's see, high school kidsthat I went to school with one, two, three,three, four, five, six, seven, eight.All guys.Fucking unbelievable.You just don't understand sometimes what it's like to be.I know.
41:40I absolutely.I'm sure it's fucking much more difficult in a lot of ways.But I'll tell you, the most important way, staying alive.Let's not forget that.Anyways, so I did.the new West Side Comedy Cluband it wasjust the perfect layout
42:04and I also love tooit's right around the cornerfrom the Beacon Theaterso I've gotten to play therea couple of times but what I also love isif I was a young comedianstarting out it's really likethis motivational thing
42:18where you walk out and then you walk around thecorner and there's the Beacon Theater and you cankind of be thinking you know someday maybe I'll be able to playthat place that's the type of shitthat used to get me motivated when I was starting out.Although I don't know about playing theaters.I think it was just seeing Caroline's Comedy Clubbecause when I was starting out,
42:39like nobody played theaters.It was like Cosby played theaters,George Carlin.Like you had to be like a legend.Joan Rivers.Those people played like theaters.And, you know, for most,comedians when I started I think it was
42:59the dream was to just sell out clubsthe dream was to sell out clubsand to get a sitcombuilt around your actthat was the dreamand then somewhere along the lineit switched and a lot of people talk aboutyou know
43:19social media and blah blah and all thatI think the biggest thing that is createdone of the big things that people forgetas far as like how all of these comedians now are big enough of a draw to play theaters.I think one of the best things that happened for comedians that nobody brings up is Napsterin online file sharing, air quote, sharing of music, which was really stealing music,that completely destroyed the music business and their ability to make stars.You remember Virgin Records?
43:59Remember you would go in there?They had that little CD listening thingand they had like the top 10or the top 20 CDsand there'd always be like a new band in there.It's like they were feeding,you know, bringing new people in.And once Napster came out
44:12and then there was the lime wireand all of that shitand then iTunes and all of that,what happened was,oh, am I going to use this turn?There was an arrest of developmentof new, like when you look at likethe amount of bands that broke through in like the last 10 years that was suddenly able to sell
44:31out arenas it's like a handful of bands or people like lady gaga bruno mars was at 21 pilotsthere's very few that got that big um at least not as much as uh as they used to i feel i mightbe completely wrong on this but if i'm if i'm not mistaken there was like like the m tv musicaward had like the five, the same five artists for a long time were with a few new ones,but like, like Jay Z, Kanye and like, I don't know, I'm not so good with all the youngestpeople stuff, but they stuck around forever at those music awards because there was not thesenew people coming in. Usually for somebody to stick around at a music award for over 10 years,I feel like there was only a couple of bands that could do it,
45:27but they had to keep those people from 10 years previousbecause they all got knocked out.And then, I'm going to get to a point here.So everything became a quick little bullshit.I don't want to pay for it online.And I think, and everybody went online,you either wanted to fucking watch someone do something incredible on a skateboard,some X-game shit,
45:49or you wanted to watch people fail and you wanted to laugh.And I feel like stand-up comedy fit into that.Set up punch.Set up punch.It was quick.They made you laugh.You fucking moved on.And then I think comedians slid into all of these theater gigs where all of these bands would have been playing.
46:06I'm not talking arenas.I just mean like theaters.I might be wrong on that one.But I think if you look at the graph, as the music business imploded, comedy went through the fucking roof.Then also with technology, how comics could just keep putting out these specials.And then Netflix was another big thing.But everybody talks about that, but nobody seems, I don't know, I think the music business completely imploding also helped out stand-up.It created a void.
46:38I don't know.You like that?You like me discussing the ins and outs of ticket sales in stand-up comedy.So anyway, so I was working at the West Side Comedy Club.You got to go there.Some old friends of mine opened the place up.That's why I did it.I had the best time.
46:55And what was really cool was mostly, you know, podcast listeners.So I could say whatever the fuck I thought, essentially, in these times, you know what I mean?Everything that's going on.You know, I heard like those fucking people were going down to the comedy seller and then writing down what other comics were saying about Louis C.K.And all of that type of stuff was just, it's just so fucking, it's such a crazy time right now.and uh you know i don't know i love louis k and that was really obviously just a fucking hard thingto see happened to somebody and he was definitely 100% wrong i'll just say this he was 100% wronghe did own up to it and i think he will definitely be back um i will say that and i also knew
47:43a couple of the women that he did this shit too and i just feel bad for everybody it's justfucking terrible.And I don't know.I don't know.I don't know what else you say about it.I feel like I'm in a divorce where you know both the mom and the dad.You got to pick a fucking side here.You know, I don't know.
48:05All I think that's just this new thing, though, is like the level of witch hunt thathappened when the Louie thing came out, like the amount of fucking people that theywent after was just fucking, it was like six degrees of Louis dick, you know,To the point that even the fucking Huffington Post was even trying to like, you know, list people,the clients of the same manager that he had and stuff, who, by the way, is one of the greatpeople I've ever met in life.I stand by my fucking manager, and I'm never firing the guy.I've been with this guy since 2006.
48:36Dave Becky's one of the great people that I've met in this business.I love that guy.I still have him over my house for fucking dinner.Watching everybody just, oh, I think I remember this happening 15 fucking years ago.watching everybodytrying to burn downthis guy's lifeit's just fucking
48:51ridiculous peoplethis is Americayou remember due processlike the whole thingis just likeit's fucking insaneI wouldn't be surprisedif they're going after
49:02Louis CK's mailmansaying if you deliver his mailyou're part of the problemyou knowand it doesn't seem to be likethere's any sort of likeyou know in the judicial systemwhere there's
49:17like if you steal a bike, you get this sentence, if you rob a bank, you get this, if you killsomebody, if you kill a whole bunch of people, all the way up to the death penalty, yeah,this kind of seems like it's become, it doesn't make a difference if it's sexual misconductall the way to sexual assault slash rape, you know, you're getting the exact same, like, level ofpunishment um so that's only my question okay out of all of this because he was definitely wrongobviously i mean he's all obvious shit that i'm saying but uh does the punishment match thecrime because you know sexual misconduct me you talk of sexual misconduct like i i don't i wouldi don't know how many podcasts i would have to do to tell you all the stories of sexual
50:09misconduct with just women as a stand-up comedian who used to go out after his showshows selling his posters and all and taking pictures with you just the fucking women okayand i'll tell you it was never any of the young ones it was always these middle-agedfucking women couple glasses of red wine oh god and they come at you with their va va-va boomenergy and you'd be like oh no here we go you know that's my advice young male comics outthere. Young female comics, there's plenty of information out there for you now about watchingout for creepy guys. But I don't think there's anything out there for young male comics. I willtell you this, okay, if you're going to go out and meet a crowd afterwards, when middle-aged
50:58women, you can tell they've had too much wine beyond the fact that they're sort of teeteringon their high-heel shoes with their old feet sticking out of them, just look for the grayteeth all right and a little bit too much makeup and then you know they got the girls out a little bitjust fucking watch yourself okay because that's the that's the old cheerleader who is not agingwell and is freaking out that guys don't you know find her attractive anymore and I'm tellingyou they're going to come up to you like you know cover your junk that's all I'm going to saydude i had a woman lick my neck one time and i'll tell you worse than the touch of her tongue her oldass disgusting wine breath tongue on my fucking neck worse than that was i felt her breath right
51:51before the eagle landed i will oh oh oh and forget about gay guys jesus christ i can doanother half podcast on that one we're just talking about sexual misconductI always wanted to rub your chestthe fuck did you just doI remember what timeand this is the thing about a guywhen it happens to a guy is just funnyjust for the simple fact that
52:22you know generally speakingyou can overpower whoever the fuck is coming at youI'm not a little boysoI get why nobody gives a shitwhen this happens to a guy I get itI remember I was dating this absolutely lovely woman, beautiful woman, she danced on Broadway.She was such a sweetheart.
52:43I loved her to death and I completely fucked it up because I was an angry young man.So I'm sorry to her, right?So she was dancing in this thing called Broadway Bears, which was like they used to do this thing to raise money.It was like a burlese show.So it wasn't like this creepy titty bar thing.It was just, you know,If you ever go to a burlesh show, which my wife took me to one to see that Dita Vantis,I was just like, are you fucking kidding me?
53:12She's going to take me down here to go to go see, basically go to a rated PG-13 strip club.I have the coolest wife ever.And then I got down there and I think I was the only straight guy there.And it was like mostly gay guys, right?And that's what this Broadway Bears thing was.and it wasn't like the creepy hooters vibe.So it's actually better if there's a bunch of gay dudes therebecause I always did that whole,
53:39like hooters, strip clubs, titty bars and all that shit.It's just like, that's something that's like fascinatingwhen you're like in your 20s, I think.And then somewhere, you know, if you're progressing,if you're maturing, at some point it just becomes grossor at the very least, like this is fucking stupid.You know?I want to go out and get laid.
53:59I'm going to sit here looking at naked womenwho aren't going to fuck me.You know, this is stupid, while losing a ton of money, paying for watered down drinks.What?No, I don't want to eat in here.You're in the sex industry.Get away from me.I want to order some food, right?
54:14So I go down to this Broadway Bears thing, right?And, you know, there's all these fucking hilarious.There's all these smoking hot women doing their dances and stuff.And then there's all these shredded dudes.So all the gay guys are going nuts about the dudes.And I'm looking at all these women going like, oh, my God, right?Fucking dancer legs.They were incredible, right?
54:34Oh, by the way, they also were really talented.Right?So the fucking show ends.And I'm waiting for my girlfriend at the time to come out.And this fucking out of nowhere, this guy came up and just smacked me on the ass.And it wasn't like, it was like if you were playing football, it was good game.But at that place it wasn't.This guy wanted to fucking hook up me.
54:59Dude, he hit me so hard.Like I almost fucking got whiplash.and I fucking turned aroundand I can't say what I said to the guybut I made it clear to himthat I wasn't gayand I'll never forgethe just like put his hands up
55:13and was like backing awayand I remember when he put his hands upthe dude had these fucking gunsand I was just like you knowI don't know what this guy's thinking right nowbut if he wanted to do somethingI don't know if there's anything I could do about itI'll never forget his
55:28his big hairy gay armsjust coming outOh, I'm sorry.I just fucking.No, he didn't even talk like that.I'm doing like the hacky gay voice.He had just like a regular dude voice.And, um,
55:43oh, dude, I got a zillion of those.Fucking zillion of those fucking stories.If we're talking sexual misconduct here.And, um, and you know what's funny is the reason I stopped going out after my showswasn't all of those fucking witches of Eastwick drunk bitches coming upme doing god knows what right just crossing all kinds of fucking lines like you're literally likeyou're a cartoon character what made me finally stop was that time the guy went to take the cameraout to take the picture of his girlfriend a wife and a loaded nine millimeter fell on the fucking
56:20ground and it was right on the ground and i i should have kicked it away you know all theepisodes of staskey and hutch i watched i didn't i just froze i pointed at the gun and i wentdude what the fuck and i let him bend down and pick it up and i just stood there i've never feltmore white in my life you know what i mean just classic cul-de-sac like uh hey frank i believe you droppedyour pistol thanks bill blows my fucking brains out oh you hear that that's my alarm i got up a littleearly so anyways people uh i think it's a great thing that all of this stuff is coming out becausethere's no waythat women should have to be
57:04tolerating this. They've tolerated it waytoo long, but can we stopshort here of likethentrying to literally destroyeverybody around the fucking personoversocial media and no
57:20burden of proof whatsoever?These are like real peoplethat you're going after, okay?You know?These people that are around these people,that have done horrible things they have wives they have kids they have families they havemortgages you know and just to just fucking just willy-nilly oh somebody just said this on twitterit has to be true and just pile on and blow on the ashes and try to turn it into a fucking
57:47inferno um is is is also not right okay and uh i feel really bad for mymanager and what the hell he's going through right now.I really do.And I'm not going to be one of these fucking people.And I hate how this this whole fucking day.And it don't say anything, man.It's not worth it.Don't say anything.
58:11So I'm just going to leave this guy who's been a friend to me for fucking 11 years.Guided me through my career.My career went through the fucking stratosphere with this guy.I'm just going to leave him twisting in the window.Fuck yourself.Dave Becky's a great guy.Anyways, plowing ahead.What do we got here?
58:34Let's read a little bit of,no, hey, you know what I missed?I missed the Formula One race,and it sounded like it was amazing.I don't know how Lewis Hamilton ended up starting in last place,but he worked his way all the way up to first,which I have never seen.Somebody must have crashed because, I don't know,
58:55the way Max Verstappen was running during the last race,when somebody gets out in front, you know, and they're driving through the clean air there.What a little thing I know about aerodynamics and racing, no one can never catch them.So they must have had a brilliant strategy, like slash somebody else.That was plus and slash plash.Somebody's car must have broken down or there must have been an accident or something.I have no idea.But can somebody, I know you guys have sent me this link before.
59:26Can somebody try and find or send me the link to where I can rewatch the races?The replay of them, because Brazil's a great one.Did you see fucking the Mercedes-Benz team got robbed at gunpoint?Lewis Hamilton wasn't there, but his quote was basically, this happens every time we come down here.How bad is that for tourism in Brazil?You know what I mean?every time we come down herethe Illuminati sport
59:59gets fucking robbedcan we do something about securityyou knowthank God like you knowif I was like the president of BrazilI actually wouldn't be too nervousbecause Brazil has arguablythe most beautiful women in the world
01:00:17down there you know what I meanand that will keep people comingdespite the fact that eventhe Mercedes-Benz Formula 1team gets robbed at gunpoint and they weren't there on vacation they came down there withthe entire sport and somebody still finally got through I guess when you got a pistol you don'treally need a laminate do you can we see your credentials yeah yeah right here buddy okayLewis Hamilton's over there and I believe he still has his diamond earring it have at it
01:00:48all right let's read uh let's read some uh some advertising here for this week all right what are we up tohere. All right, 35 minutes. All right. So one of the other, two reasons why I'm here in New York, okay? Three reasons. I did the West Side Comedy Club. Bam. On Saturday night, I did Michael J. Fox's charity. The Fox Foundation. I did a benefit for them. One of the coolest gigs I've ever got to do in my life. I show up, right? First of all, it's Michael J. Fox, right?I mean, that guy's comedic timing.You know, like when they say somebody has, like, perfect pitch when they go to sing or whatever,I always felt like, you know, grew up watching him on family ties and, of course, all the back-to-the-future movies.And his timing was just, like, was impeccable, right?And it makes it look really easy.But just as a fan of comedy and everything, I always love the guy.
01:01:50So I realized I was going to get to meet him and I show up to the gig, and I'm always nervous.whenever I have to do a benefit because it's a, you know, it's a benefit.People are going to be in this, you know, they're going to be in a certain mindset where it'sjust like, you know, wow, I'm really lucky that, you know, I'm healthy.I have my family, blah, blah, blah, blah, and these other people are going through thisreally difficult thing.There's a sense of like guilt that you feel.Just all of that type.
01:02:19It just puts the crowd in a certain mood where then all of a sudden they go from laughing toeverything that you say is just like, oh, oh, boo, you know.Those are the sounds I usually hear at benefits.So I was, I'm always a little apprehensive.And in my head, I'm sitting there going like, all right, how can I navigate this situation?Because there's what I want to talk about and then there's what I should talk about just to get through this, right?So I show up.And one of the first people I saw was Eugene Merman, who hadn't seen in a while.
01:02:53And I was so relieved to see another comedian.I was just like, oh, thank God.So we both were just sort of laughing, talking about how, all right, it's a benefit.How is this what's going to happen?How is this one going to go down?Hopefully this is going to be good.And as I was talking to him, I heard this amazing band playing in the background.I was like, it sounded so good.
01:03:12I'm like, is that live?That's unreal.But we were back in the green room.I was like, I got to check them out.Right as I went to go out, this, like, guy comes walking by, he goes,Hey, Bill Burr, how are you doing?He's like, yeah, you know, I've seen your stuff, man, you're funny.I said, oh, thanks a lot.
01:03:28I appreciate it.I go, look at you.You're dressed all sharp.I'm like, are you going up tonight?He goes, yeah.I go, what do you do?You're comedian?He goes, nah, he goes, I play a little guitar.
01:03:38You know, I love musicians.I'm like, holy shit, man.You're playing a band that's fucking great, right?Turned out that guy was Brad Paisley.I'm old.I don't know who the kids are, right?I have no fucking idea.he went on in the end and was one of the greatest entertainers I've seen in a long fucking time.
01:03:57He goes, ah, I play a little guitar, right?Shreds, absolutely shreds on guitar, amazing voice.I said to him after, because I felt like an asshole that I didn't know where he was,but I'm also, I'm old, you know what I'm 50 next year, right?I love, and I'm loving turning 50.Now, this is when you start to have excuses.Ah, I'm 50.I don't know things.
01:04:19I said to him, I say, you know, I love about you country.guys all you guys can play you know i'm not into all the country music but they they canfucking play and they can sing and it reminds me of hair metal as much as people trashed mefor listening to that those guys could play and they could sing they could they could do it livewe'll do it live fuck it right so anyways i'm hearing all this band so i uh i go i gotta go checkthese guys out right after like the third song i heard so i go to walk out thereto see the band playing and I looked at it and I'm looking at the drummer this is giant like you know banquet room and I'm just looking at the drummer and I just fucking staring at him for like five seconds in disbelief and I look at the woman next to me who was working for the foundation I was like is that Steve Jordan she goes yeah he's like really good I'm like really good he's one of the greatest fucking drummers of all time this is like a bucket list for me to ever see this guyI play live, I couldn't believe it.
01:05:24My jaw was on the ground.Like, you've got to understand.Like, I've been listening to Steve Jordan since, like, I guess when I first startedwatching Letterman.And I didn't even realize at that point that he played on those Blues Brothers albums.Then I discovered those.I even bought the second Blues Brothers album made in America and then nobody bought.I have all of that shit.
01:05:44All of his Keith Richards expensive Wino shit.I watched him with the Letterman band.I go on YouTube.There's a Fusion album that.he put outwhat the fuck was the name of that band that you can't I can't find the album anywherewhere he's really young playing on on that one way busier than he plays on a lot of otherstuff right through all the John Mayer stuff and I was always thinking okay when
01:06:10John Mayer comes to town with his trio I'm definitely going to go see that and I'llfinally get to see Steve Jordan playing live you know switching out the snares and allof that. That whole, it's his whole thing that he does. It's just so incredible. But every timeJohn Mayer would come to L.A., I would always be on the road, and I'd always miss it. So I actuallygot to see him play. And so anyways, I'm sitting there at the banquet thing. And I meetMichael J. Fox, and he's just like the nicest guy ever, him and his wife, just a couple ofsweethearts, you know. I mean, just one of those amazing couples, too, you know. Both good-lookingpeople and then they form when they get together they form an even more amazing person you know
01:06:49and um i'm sitting there and like i'm literally nervous like i'm a brand new comic whenever i getto whenever i do benefits i get like that nervous because like i've had some that have not gonewell i've done some christmas parties the reason why i don't do christmas parties i don't doprivate gigs you know which are basically rich people orrich companies or somethingget togetherand they will literally hireanyone from like fucking
01:07:22you two all the way downto some no-name comic like Iwas back when I used to do those fucking thingsand you would go up there and nobody wouldknow that there was a showand the last one I didlike they had me go upit was in like a restaurant these people had rented
01:07:40out the restaurant and everybody was eatingand talking and I wentup there and I was no one was listening and I got defensive so my already angry material backthen was coming off even angrier and people just literally stopped eating or just sort ofstaring down at their plates and um I tried every trick that I knew in the book to turn it aroundand I couldn't do it and I just fucking bombed I ruined their dinner I ruined at least that partof it and I just walked out of therewith my agent at the time.
01:08:18And God bless him.He had to listen to me, walk 12 blocks with him with absolutely, absolute Tourette's just going like,I am never fucking doing one of those fucking things again.Who the fuck brings somebody up when everybody's fucking eating?Like, I did that.I was going K.C. K.C.And I'm supposed to go in and talk about a fucking dog dying, right?I went into that mode.
01:08:43you knowbut by the endafter 12 blocksby the end of itwe were both laughingand I was just likeshould we giving them money backyou know
01:08:52that was like fuckI feel badthis is the real reasonwhy I was flipping outyou knowI was embarrassedand then I also felt likeI stole money
01:08:59becauseI just wasn't theI wasn't the guyfor that gigit should have beenlike somebody likewho was happywith themselves
01:09:08all rightSo anyways, let's get on with the...No, no, I'll finish telling the story.So anyways, fortunately, the great Dennis Leary was hosting this event,and he went up and immediately turned it into a comedy show.You know, he was up there doing what he does,and he dropped a couple of F-bombs,and then with every joke he told,
01:09:34I got more and more and more and more relaxed.And I was like, ah, thank God.And then I went up on stage, and I just,I just fucking went offand told all theseI just I don't knowI did all those storiestelling all those fucking stories of all this shit
01:09:54that women have done to meand at first people didn't want to laughand then they just started laughbecause you know sexual misconductlike I said to a guyand I'm agreeing with thisit's kind of funnyit's not right but it is
01:10:05it's funnyand at first they were likewhat thefuck and then they just sort of went with it and then all the rest of my shit just flowed and uh ended uphaving one of my favorite sets i've had in such a long time and then in the end i got to watchuh this new great musician that i didn't wasn't aware of brad paisley playing with steve jordan'sband and um and then in the end they brought michael j fox out and they all played johnny begood i mean it was just it was i was just standing there like going how to fuck
01:10:42is this my life was amazing um and i just ended up having it just turned out it was also the new yorkcomedy festival so all these guys were in town i got to run into brant brian reagan who just playedcarnegie hall hanging out with him i just had like the best i had the best fucking night and uh and thegreat new york run here continues where tomorrow i'm going to be on inside the nfl i don't knowwhat i'm going to be talking about god knows i haven't watched nearly as much NFL football as i wouldhave liked this year i just got so busy with the cartoonand my little acting gig there.Oh, Bill, what do you think you're an actor now?
01:11:16Every once in a while I am.All right, my screen went dark here.Let's type in the fucking password, the password.All right, let's read some of your questions here.All right, not enough women or gays at the cellar table.Oh, boy, here we go.Oh, Red Dick Billy.All the controversy and stand-up comedy.
01:11:40He goes, I was hoping to get your take on an articleI came across on Facebook calledTear Down the Boys Clubthat protected Louis C.K.That's that witch hunt thing that I'm saying.Like we had fucking meetings every week.All right, what are we going to do here?Say, you know?
01:11:55And how everybody else,the second that, evidently,everybody else on the other side,the second that Gawker article came out,you know, immediately took a criminal justice courseand just became some gumshoeand went out and bought a giant magnifying glassand walked around looking for clues
01:12:11all right it's written by a gay comic who figures basically going after louis wasn't enough so he is trying to go after his peers also yeah the witch huntuh the author cries about a certain table at the comedy seller where elite comics like chris rock and jerry seinfeld situm like when the table came about by the way jerry seinfeld was still doing seinfeld you know what i meanI don't know if they actually had a place called the table.When I first started going to the comedy cellar, there wasn't a table.Comics just went upstairs and they sat all over the place.And I am convinced that the reason why the table was started was because of Patrice.Because Patrice was so loud and so funny and he was just all over the upstairs.
01:13:04They were trying to somehow contain him.He was like Jordan, you know, you're not.going to stop them let's just see if we can contain them so i think they just tried to get us alland sit it seated in one area so they could at least be like okay sit down and fold yourfucking hands and listen to the teacher right um that's how i remember anyway so he goes he alsohas never even tried to perform at the cellar himself it's kind of like a fourth grader crying tothe teacher because the cool kids won't hang out with him the article implies that by notSpeaking up about it, the seller comics were somehow protecting Louis, even though they were just rumors until recently.
01:13:46Also, the owner of the seller, where are we?Fucking scream a duck.Also, the owner of the cellar had some great things to say in the comments.Here's a link to the article and go, fuck yourself.Yeah, I read it.And, you know, to be honest with you, considering this guy is also a fellow comedian, I feel bad that that was his perception.I feel Phil Biat, that that was his perception of what the table was because, you know, the table was like, I didn't even know how to explain it.Like, that was something like the level of pounding that you had to take.
01:14:23You had to go there and just basically get ripped to shreds.And then what everybody at the table wanted to do, and it wasn't even, it wasn't doing.it to just be mean it was just i don't it was just this comedian thing so you'd sit down and like youalready would you'd sit down with like whatever you were hung up about with yourself and they wouldgive another 40 things about you physically that you didn't even notice that you should also beself-conscious about however in the end all they wanted you to do was come back at them andtrash them back and if you did you were in regardless all right and there was someepic fucking
01:15:05back and forths at thattableyou knowpeople definitely got mad sometimesbut uhthe table wasn't likewhat a lot of peoplewho didn't go to it think it was like
01:15:18this big bullyingthing it was also this amazing thingwhere likeuhI listened to Jewish peopleand Arab comics going at ittalking about the Middle EastI'd listen to Patrice
01:15:31and uhyou knowMani Dorman,their debates,Colin Quinn was there.And if I remember correctly,tough crowd came out of those conversations at the table.And if you watched tough crowd,
01:15:47it would be these comedians talking about these deep issueswhile trashing each other.And I always felt the table was inclusiveas long as you were willing,you had to fucking walk the gauntlet.You just had to fucking do.And you had to survive it.and then if you did you actually became a better comedian because once you got in at the table
01:16:13then there was this thing you couldn't not sit at the table you'd come in and be hey bill comethey wanted you to sit at the table because they wanted you to trash you and then they alsowanted you to trash them back but you know i wasn't even part of the elite crewi wasn't funny enough i just wasn't like the the the the as far as this is just my myperception of it was the table was patrice norton voss keith robinson colin quinn and later on kevin hartkevin hart right and even he was sort of like uh just like a rookie but he also made it so fastand he didn't have time to fucking stay there so um those were that that was like the mount rushmoreof the table and when you showed up
01:17:04and they were all thereand somebody had something on youlike that timeI for 24 hours said I would dostand up on a buson the weight of a World Series gameto get a World Series ticketand I never even ended up doing the gig
01:17:17I took a headlining set poundingthat is still legendarythey told the fucking storyonOpie and AnthonyI believe Kevin Hartand them all told the story manI got fucking destroyed
01:17:30destroyedso this guy like suggestingthat it was all like everybody was likethere was this team of peopleit wasn't it was fuckingcannibalisticall righteverything that they said in open anthie was 100% true
01:17:45except for the fact that I did the gigbecause I didn't do the gigI actually gave the gig to somebody elseand I with the vow of silenceI said I will never tell anybody that you did this gigbecause I don't want you to go throughwhat I just went throughI think the guy who did the gig
01:18:02actually might have said that he was the onewho did the gig all these years later but i still i'm not saying shit who it was so anyways once yougot in at the table then you would go downstairs to go do your set and one night they'd everybody at thetable be like you know what we're watching your set tonight and you'd be like ah fuck and you would godownstairs you'd go on stage and the crowd couldn't see all these fucking asshole comics i rememberthey'd all be backlit standing in the hallway patrice's big dumb stupid head and you'd have togo up there and like justcommit to your jokes as they were all
01:18:37standing there making faces of disgustheckling making noisesI'm one time I told the joke and it went goodand as I was telling the jokeI had the nerve to actually try to say something in a jokeand Patrice would just gojust do that fucking noise and then they wouldall crack up laughing then the crowd
01:18:57would laugh like what the fuck and get a senseof like other comics are laughing at this guyshould we be laughingat him and not respect him as a human being, and then you would just start bombing.And never forget, I remember Kevin Hart went down stairs, and he went up as a 20-year-old comicand survived it, and was barely affected.I mean, I know, and then looking at all the stuff that he's doing now, like, you reallysaw what he was made of.
01:19:23It was a great thing.The seller table is not what this person perceived it to be, and I feel bad that that personbecause having a fat gay guy comic there would have been great there would have been a whole other angleit was actually a really inclusive thing it's just a lot of people weren't tough enough to getthrough it and that's the truth and it took me like i said like a half dozen attempts because i wasnot a mentally strong person back then and um but if you see what came out of it calling queen'stough crowd that was one of the most inclusive shows of all time as far as like he gavealmost like two and a half generations of stand-up comics, a TV credit.
01:20:04A lot of them, their first TV credit.So I don't know.And I'm not always someone's going to sit down and watch Tough Crown.Be like, oh, it was mainly white males, blah, blah, blah, blah, and all that fucking shit.So I don't know.There's no way to win this type of stuff.But I can tell you that I don't agree with this person's perception of it.But I don't have any anger towards that person for writing that, if that's what they think it was.
01:20:27But it's a little melodramatic.like burn the table down like this these meetings going on and we're all sitting there tryingto hold back his his career or whatever I mean I don't I don't fucking all I remember as far aslike trans comics I just remember there was I don't know what the proper term was but therewas a guy who dressed like a woman who went on stage and went by the name she went by the nameSharon Needles and she used to go up at the Boston Comedy Club and she was fuckinghilarious. And the last time I looked her up, I believe she was still doing shows.I think she just got out of the stand-up scene. But nobody, I don't know, there's no comics
01:21:08going, oh, what the fuck is this fucking person doing here? Like, all comedy is, is if you'refunny, other comics are going to laugh and you get their respect and you're in.You know, everybody has a different fucking road, but everybody's just sitting there goingI don't know what they'reIt's everybody's looking out their own headAnd it becomes their experienceIs fact and truthAnd anybody else's experience
01:21:40Is bullshit or something like thatSo all I'm doing hereIs I'm telling my sideThat's how I perceived itAnd I just remember for the longest timeLike we wouldI remember one nightWe fucking
01:21:55We're outside the comedy sellerWe trashed each otherIt was so fucking long, and it was so goddamn funny, it was so late in the night that this woman in an apartment above the comedy cellar poured water down onto us to get us to shut the fuck up.And going back, you know, like a lot of moments like that in life, I wish I could have realized how amazing that was during that time.Because as far as I was concerned, the table, this table that this guy wants to burn down, that died.The table died when Manny died because, you know, he was the creator of it.And he was one of the great conversationalists that I ever met.And he was so goddamn funny.
01:22:53And what I loved about him is he wasn't a malicious guy.as much as I got I used to fucking argue with that guy you know what I mean I was just I was a young angry manand I used to argue with that guy and and he was always the next day it was always over and I actuallykind of learned from him I learned from him and Bobby Kelly how to squash an argument where likehow you'd be like the next day just you know because I didn't grow up in a family like that it was justbasically you didn't talk about it and then you didn't talk for three days and then fuckingfour days later you say hey you see the Celtics game let's say yeah yeahis good good and then everything was lingering those two people i learned how to have a functional
01:23:33end to an argument so um yeah i don't know what that shit's about but it's unfortunate that thatperson feels that way about it but you know everybody's entitled to their opinion all right uh patricea billy ray no fun um after hearing you along with so many other comics university laud patricei finally watched elephant in the room special uh within minutes he had me in stitches it's so easyto see why he was so revered within the comedy community.I know you hold him both as a comedian as a person in an incredibly high regard.I would love to hear some of your insight into him.I recently heard that he was permanently banned from performing at the stand in New York.
01:24:12What was that about?No, he was never banned from the stand.The stand came out or opened right around when Patrice got sick.He wasn't banned from there.Anyways, really big fan of the showand we'd love to see you come to Australia again soon.Yeah, no, Patrice.Patrice was getting banned from comedy clubs all the time.
01:24:38All the time, but he was so fucking good,they had to let him back in.It reminds me of when I read this Miles Davis book,and he was talking about Charlie Parker,and when he would party too much and pawn his hornand these clubs would kick him out,They'd eventually have to fucking bring him back in because he was the best.And Patrice was the best.
01:24:59And, you know, as much as he would drive him nuts, you wanted him around.You wanted them around.It's just like the comedy dropped by 40%, even with all the other comics still going there.If he wasn't there and just the fun.And then they also knew that if they banned him, that none of the comics were going to hang out at their clubs,we were all going to go to where he was.Yeah, so then they would let him back into the club.And then they created the table.
01:25:31That's how I remember it.That's how I thought that they let's.We'll have them all these fucking lunatics.Just have them sit in the back at the goddamn table.So then we were sitting down and it just, you know,it was just a bunch of dogs in a fucking pit.And then that's how the trashin.The trashing was already happening.
01:25:48I remember one nightYou knowAfter I took the pound in for fucking the bus gig that I never even didI remember when Bobby first shaved his headHe came inAnd I always respected him for thisHe came in he had like a hat onAnd he sat down right at the fuck
01:26:06And the fat gay guy comic hereListen to this storyHe didn't shy away from the tableHe fucking walked right insat down, took his hat off, and looked at everybody, like, all right, give it to me.Let's hear it.And fucking everybody just, it was like a deaf jam bit.He took his hat off and everybody just, oh, ha, every, what the fuck?
01:26:29He took this fucking pounding.And everyone was getting him and he was just sitting there, taking it, laughing and all that type of stuff.And I actually thought he looked good with the shaved head, right?And what's his face?Oh, who said it?I think it was Esty.he finally got him with oneI think she said
01:26:50you look like David WellsI think that that's what she saidand everybody fucking died laughingand Bobby literally just stood upand just walked outand I rememberthinking like you couldI didn't know you could do that
01:27:05I didn't know you could walk outI saw Keith Robinson do that one time toowe were trash in his clothesso fucking badit wasand he was trying to fightback and he was just feeling that wave was going to crash over him he just fucking ran out thedoor got in his car and drove home to jersey we would we kept texting him and calling him
01:27:25going you can't do that you can't do that he's like oh yeah well i just did stupidfucking hung up on us laughed and hung up on us um oh my god i remember that fucking timepatrice you know somehow we found out he he was home on a saturday night he hejust took like a night off and uh jim norton fucking came in and said you know where patrice is right nowhe's at home on a saturday night and they all called him up and on speaker phone patrice just picks uphe's like hello and jim's like what the fuck are you doing home on a saturday night you don't haveany gigs and patrice just fucking roared laughing and we all over speakerphone trashed him he was at homegetting trashed at the table.
01:28:16And I just remember himhe loved every fucking second of it.The table is one of the great thingsever, so, you know, don't listen to that guy.All right, I lied to my girlfriend.All right, I lied to my girlfriend.Hey, Bill, I really could use some advice right now.I'm an 18-year-old male,
01:28:33and I've been with this girl for seven months now.I really care about her, and she makes me truly happy.About a year ago, I used to smoke weedand do some drugs, other drugs,a lot.I used to smoke about three or four times a week, but I quit a little under a year ago.My girlfriend is really against drug use and has told me that she would leave me if I everdid it again.
01:28:54Well, a couple months ago, me and my girl were kind of on a break, not because we don't wantto be with each other, but because of some other shit going on in our lives.All right, that's pretty vague.While we were on this break, I smoked some weed with a buddy of mine.I really regret doing so because I know how this is, this.means a lot to her.She has later asked mewhen was the last time I did any drugs
01:29:21and I just lied and told herthe last time was when I told her I quit.I can't stop thinking about thisand I feel really bad about lying to herbut I am afraid she's going to leave meor stop trusting me if I tell her nowsince I had already liedabout it several times in the past.
01:29:39All right.What do you do here?Just do what you want to do.all right if you can't live with it i would tell her if not i mean you fucking smoke you took a hitoff a joint out if you're not going to if you're really committed and you're not going to do it againis it really worth putting you and her through this it's kind of hard for me to give you advice herebecause i don't know what you broke up for you mean you did it while you were broken upit's not like you went out and you bang some other woman you just went out and you just
01:30:06took a hit and you didn't fucking do it again um and you know that's it but at the end ofthe day you know something if you come clean and she still breaks up with you over that then youknow what fuck her she if she can't accept you it's not like you went out and you started usingheroin and you stole all the money out of her fucking purse she can't handle one hit of a jointand then you feel bad about it and you can't even lie to her about it without feelingterrible and that you have to tell her but you tell her that the reason why you didn't tellher is because you care about her and you didn't want to lose her if she still leaves youafter that then you know she was going to find something right
01:30:43Okay, gym girlYou know somethingI don't know if I have time to read all of theseI gottaI gotta fucking get out of here hereI'll do okayThis is the worst thing everI'm gonna try to read this quickly
01:30:55I already read bad when I'm readingAt a normal pace hereHey Billy Q ballA couple months back I started going to another gymA town over for a change of sceneryAfter a couple weeks I run into this tall athletic girlShe didn't talk to anyone and had thatI'm not trying to talk to anyone
01:31:13going on because of this me and virtually because of what because of this and me virtually nevercold approaching a girl before i left her alone over the next few weeks i noticed she would be in myarea a lot and when moving between exercises we would cross paths a lot uh sounds like you're doing thatfucking whatever that workout is cross fit where you got to run down the street you know look at useverybody we're working out hey look at us you know leaving your gym and runningaround a fucking 7-Eleven parking lotand coming back. We get it. You're working out.Jesus Christ. All right.
01:31:50Over the next few weeks,I noticed she would be in my areaa lot. And when,all right, I already said that. Okay.We cross path.All right. So,I said, fuck it and started talking to her.We had a couple of good convos, and I eventually
01:32:05got her number. Look at you. You're in the game.We didn't text much, which is fine,because I've learned that texting should be mainlyfor planning meetups. I stilltried a couple of text convos for some rapport since I'd only seen her one to three times a week,sometimes just in passing.Now, the issue is, every time I've messaged her, she randomly stops messaging.Probably because you're bugging her at that point.
01:32:28No matter how good the conversation was going, or she's busy.I didn't see her for a week before I left for vacation for another two weeks and no contact.It's been a week since I've been back and I haven't seen her in the gym.was marginally interestedWas she marginally interestedOr did I not come on strong enoughShould I text her againOr just move on and wait till I see her again
01:32:53Well if you're still into her just text usJust say hey I haven't seen yet the gymAnd where's the harm in thatYou knowIn this day and ageYou knowMake sure there's a lawyer there when you do itBecause who knows
01:33:06With theWhat the next fucking thing is going to beum yeah i would just i would text her and just say hey you know i'm back you know would you liketo go out sometime it gives a fuckfuck her and her cold fucking vibe just say what you want to do anything she wants to do itgo do it if she doesn't move on that's it easy one all right but i wouldn't question yourselfyou know fuck all that don't be in your head um don't be like john fabro in swingersyou know that's what i always think just never get in
01:33:42to that fucking mode.Just, you know, it's normal to be nervous both men and women when you're dating or whatever.Men and men, women and women, everybody included.Whenever you get into that, I would say, don't ever send a text when you're in that mode.I would sit down, relax, and just think, what do I want?I want to go on a date with this person.Well, that's what you ask them.I would love to take you out sometime.
01:34:08I haven't seen you a minute.I'd love to take you out sometime.right that's it what's she going to say how dare you fucking ask me out she's either going to say yes or nookay and if she says no who gives a fuck you don't have any regret you asked but if you don't askthen you got to be like oh what happened all right for some gone wrong this is the last oneand i'm done i recently visited my friend at his big time college for his school'sschool rivalry weekendI'm going big time
01:34:41that's what they said when I went to Notre Dameversus USCand they were like big timecollege footballspeaking of Notre Damegot a big time ass kickingagainst Miami holy shit the convictskicking the shit out of the fucking
01:34:56I like how they still called the Catholicsand not the pedophilesyou know what I mean? I mean not everybodyat the University of Miamiyou know has gone to jailor been arrestedokaybut if you're going to call him convicts, then I mean, God damn it,
01:35:09we got to go pedophile with Notre Dame, right?It was a great time, and his school was one,his school won, and at the last second, and at the last second.So the atmosphere was crazy.Later that night, I attended a party at the fraternity he is a member of.Anyways, we meet these two girls and decide to tell him we were actually real,real life brothers, and we somehow tricked slash convinced these girls,into having a foursome.
01:35:40How do you tell them that you're relatedand that they want to do it?Tricked is a very dangerous word to use right now, buddy.All right, we all go into this room.What do you mean, Trick?What do you do?Did you do the old quarter?Hey, I'll make a quarter to disappear.
01:36:00Hey, where's the quarter?Is it behind your ear?Here's my dick.We all go into his room and start hooking.up, and since he had a large bed, we had girls on it, and were banging them side-by-sidedoggy style. After what seemed like a while, but was probably six minutes, I unfortunatelyreleased my champagne of victory. So now it's my buddy and both the girls in the bed, and I'm justin the corner of the room. I really wanted to get back in there, but I knew it would take a little
01:36:30bit of time to get back up, so I decided to look for something to use to start jerking off. Oh,god i found out what turned out to be my buddy's contact solution and applied it and startedtugging after a few minutes of limp dick tugging i started to feel movement and thought i'd be backin the game soon you're like an injured player that went out for a play at that moment my buddyand the two chicks who he was nailing turn around and face me and catch me jerking off from theirperspective they think i'm jerking off to them oh no when in reality i'm jerking it so i canbang the second girl one girl sort of freaks outI love that she freaks out after fucking thinking that
01:37:13she's having a fucking for some with two brothersone girl sort of freaks out and my buddy screams what the hell are you doingat that point I didn't know what to say so I ran out of the room nakedand just stood outside the door until they finished eventually the girls leftand my buddy's let my buddy let me back into the room where he proceeded to askwhy I was jerking off to himOh, no. He goes, I tried to plead my case and give a rational explanation, but he's continuing to be persistent that I was jerking off to him. And now he's being extremely distant from me and has told all of our friends who have constantly been berating me for jerking off while my buddy banged two chicks. Do you have any advice on how I can somehow spin this story? I mean, at the end of the day, I did get laid too.all right here's what's hilarious about all that that the woman gets offended like what are you doing
01:38:08it's like what are you doing you're having like a fucking foursome with two people that you think arerelated uh and secondly i don't know how guys do that i don't know how you could bang a womanwith your buddy next to you also banging you know what i mean like how do you block out the soundof your friend like uh yeah right next to you i mean do you look at each other at any pointAnd like, how do you not start fucking laughing?I don't, I've never understood that.Yeah, you probably should have gone into the bathroom.You probably shouldn't have been looking at them.
01:38:45I mean, dude, what you have here is a fucking hilarious story.And I, you know, in the spirit of the table, all right?When your friends are giving you shit, I would just laugh.You just have to learn to laugh at yourselfAnd just be like, I swear to GodI was trying to get back in the fucking gameJust tell the storyThe way you just told it to me
01:39:10And think that it's fucking hilariousThat this dude thinks you were jerking off to himI would just laugh it offWhich is how you get out of most shitYou knowThat's how Donald Trump became presidentHe justThat's probably a bad guy to bring up
01:39:28who's out there grabbingPussiesThey'd be likeHe said all this shit about womenNo I didn't I said it about Rosie O'DonnellNah wellYou said it about other women tooAnd he's like
01:39:38Yeah you're probably rightIt ends itIt's when you keep fighting itI would just fucking laugh it offI know it's tough at your ageBut listen dudeIf you have it in youTo fucking fuck a woman
01:39:49Right next to your friendIf you have the focus to do thatI think he can get through thisBut dude you got one hellof a goddamn story. That's a great story.So anyways, all right, that's it.I've got to get on with my day here.Thanks to everybody who's listened
01:40:10to the podcast. Thanks to the FoxFoundation, the Westside Comedy Club.Please go out to the comedy club.And thanks to everybody on Frontrunnerthat let me have a quick little partin that thing. I had such a great time. Oh, and bythe way, guess what's out? Daddy's Home Part 2.I was in part 1.
01:40:26Part 2, I heard his evenbetter. Joe Bartnick, Rose BowlTailgate legend told me he went to go see that.He said, dude, I fucking laughed out loudlike 25 times. Comedians don'tlaugh out loud ever.It's one of the, one of the fuckingI don't know.
01:40:42It's one of the prices you pay as a comedian.You stop laughing. You just startgoing, oh, that was funny. But younever laugh. You never laugh again.So definitely go check that out.And who knows? Who knows?Maybe you'll see a familiar face in there.All right.
01:40:58fuck yourselves. I'll check in on you on Thursday.What's up, everybody, and welcome back to the AnythingBetter podcast show, NFL edition for week number11.Guys, I mean, anyway, let's just get into the showhere. I'm Paul Verzi. That's Bill Burr. We have Jakethe Snake, our injury report guy, as always. And of course,Andrew Themis, the Greek freak out there in Beverly Hills.
01:41:25dude another week of i mean bill first of bill burr everybody i mean he gives credit where credits do igive credit where credits do six weeks in a row this man i think has gone his worst in the lastsix weeks was two and two once uh now he is above 500 another three and one uh week whereyours truly another one and three week because miami dolphins decided to save their coachhis job. I mean, what the fuckhappened, dude? What happened?I mean, dude,a chimpanzee could throw
01:42:03darts at a board and pick better than me right now.Dude, the only reason why I took the dolphinsbecause everybody said the bills. And I justsaid something about the dolphins. They're goodfor one of those a year. One of those a year, they used to beat thePatriots. Every time we go down there, even during the BelichickBrady years, I said this last week. Sothat's the reason why I took them. I didn't know anything.
01:42:24I just, I was justguessing, Paul. Dude, I feel likethe Giants coach tablethat just got fired where every week I'mgoing, got to get better. I just got to get better.I got to figure this out.Look, you know, all we can dois learn from what we have been doing
01:42:41right and, you know, just try toget better. Is there anythingfunnier than a coach on the hot seatknowing his job is on the line, just lookingat reporters, just going like,yeah, got to get better, go look at tape,we're going to look at film, we're going to look at filmIn his mind, he's like, I'm not going to be looking at film that much long.
01:42:58Little things become big things at the end of the game.We just do the little things that redos their job.But, you know, I did see some good things today.I saw some good things.The Giants fired their coach, of course, everybody knows.And look, I got to be honest with you.You want to say a dude I called it.I'm in a group text with a couple buddies and they all go,
01:43:17dude, you caught.I watched the game.The Giants had another double-digit lead in the fourth quarter with under five minutes.And I literally looked at my buddy and I go, if they lose this game, he is not going to see tomorrow as the Giants head coach because it's too many times.And sure enough, it was just like another blown lead late in the fourth.And but you know when I knew he was done, Bill?You know what I knew he was done when he got fined the 100,000 for like going in the tent?The desperation of him going in the tent when Jackson Dart was there.
01:43:49He's going to, is he ready?Is he coming out?Is he?And he like poked his head in.and they go like dude you can't do that like he was so desperate for his job that he's likeit's fourth down the head coach can't go in the concussion tent oh he can't no like he went like hewas like panicking because it was coming up on fourth down and dude he ran over there poked hishead in he looked so desperate and nuts that it was just like all right you know what is nuts
01:44:14remember how weird the tent was that they went in there and no one could see like what thefuck are they doing in there now it's just normal yeah that is weird like what are theythey doing in there? Well, when I think with a concussion, you know, the nerdy guy in the suit goesin and they look at, you know, they just, I guess, look and see, but, um. They don't want thecrowd to know that the guy got a concussion and now the crowd knows about the CTE and the awfulyeah, uh, quality of life. These players, most of them end up with that the owners only gavehim 700 bucks each for their service. Yeah. Yeah. Dude, think about the nine. You know what, Paul,it's a metaphor, the concussion, the concussion tent.
01:44:55There's one in every business.Yeah.Yeah.That'd be funny.That'd be funny if there was just a literal tent.A corporate guy loses a ton of money on the stock market.He's like, how do they bring him in the fucking tent to doctor?Get him in a minute, he gets busted for insider trading.
01:45:18And then the piece of shit that paid him sticking his head in, is he ready?Could he come back out?is he still suspended?Is he taking the fall?He didn't say my name, did he?A tent falls over his cubicle.Yeah, you hit on his chick in a bar,you just get shot down too many times
01:45:36and they just fucking put tent over.Dude, I don't know what's going on with you.How do you open with the line like that?You know, it's okay if you're gay.Like, I don't know what's going on here,but like I've never seen, like, this is shooting fish in a barrel.These women are desperate.His buddy that needed a wingman
01:45:50because he thought he was going to get a late to poke in his head in the tent.Is he all right?Is he coming out?How many women do you see?How many women do you see over there in the quarter?Three?Three?I don't know.
01:46:00Come on.I want to get another drink.Let me get another drink.You're either drinking kamikazis or you're hitting on women.You can't do both.It's guaranteed.That's great.All right, guys, before we get into our week 11 picks,
01:46:17before we get into our week 11 picks, we got a shout out.our sponsor. It's BetMGM, guys. You know who it is.BetMGM, the best book, the best linesout there. And if you want tojoin BetMGM and be a part of theAnything Better podcast here withour picks, all you got to do isget your device here and you download
01:46:34the BetMGM app and you use our code. Our codeis Burr. B-U-R-R. It's very simple.All you got to do is put as little as $10in the account and make your first bet.If you lose that bet,you will get $1,500in bonus betsafter that first wager is done, which
01:46:50is a great deal. Have fun with us. They have great bets for you guys to do. And then we have thefirst touchdown promotion, which is you pick any NFL player of any NFL game to get a touchdownand in the first touchdown. I'm sorry, the first touchdown of that game. If they do, you winyour money. If they don't, but in fact get the second touchdown in that NFL game, you will getyour cash back. It's that simple, guys. Have a good time. Bet responsibly. And what could I say?I'm going on week 11 here and I'm losing. So, um,go with Bill right now because Bill is above 500 and uh before that guys before we do thispick we got to bring in our you know who we love to bring in his name is jake the snake he is our
01:47:33update guy he is our injury guy oh there he we on his blog he writes every week about theprevious week it's my favorite text message i get of the week he's he does his homework he givesus a little report we missed you last week he's a playboy at night but during the day when hewatches the games this man sees things that other people miss what do you got jake it's uh real quickit's funny because you guys talking about the the tent for the for the picking up uh chicks at the barthere's all kinds of videos of like people doing something similar whether they're like they'll havea they'll call to the bullpen or they'll like have a headset on and they'll like call and they'll belike what kind of play is that no get them out of there get them out of there so that doesn't
01:48:15I do miss that. Being single, striking outwith chicks was fucking, once you found the humorand it, dude, it was fucking hilarious.All right, so what are you got?People coming back, people going away, what's goingon? Yeah, so as mostI'll provide some updates with the quarterbacks.CJ's shrouded this last week with the concussion.
01:48:39It looks like he'll be back for this week's game against the Titans.We talked about the Giants a little, or you guys weretalking about the Giants a little bit. Jackson Dart is probably going to be out this weekagainst the Packers. This is the fourth time he's been evaluated for percussion this year,so they really want to probably take it easy on him. I sent it to the chat, but Jamis Winstonis going to start this week over Russell Wilson. They seem to be really done with him over there.Tyler Murray is going to be out for a while. They placed him on IR, so that's going to be at leastfour weeks with a foot injury. But Jacoby Brissette, the old Patriots backup's looking good.
01:49:15out there. He's going to keep starting for the Cardinals. BrockBertie, though, is expected to come back. He has a turf toe injury.So this is going to be the first week. He'll be back. So that's excitingfor Niners fans. And then we got a positive Joe Burrow update. He won't be back thisweek, but he's finally practicing, and he'll be back by Thanksgiving.I thought he was going to come back this week. That's awesome, though.Yeah, so we got some guys back. And then, yeah, we can kind of keep going as you guys makeyour picks for sure if you have any questions but yeah it was kind of big ones you know what
01:49:48espn has adam schifter and anything better has jake the fucking snake okay that's as good of a report asyou're going to get uh bill it is week 11 it is an odd week which means you my friend are on theclock well you know paul i'm an odd guy um well you know i've been fucking running my yap about my thursdaynight theory about a division rival Thursday night game. If the dog is getting more thanfive and a half points, take the dog. And wouldn't you know it this week, my New EnglandPatriots are favored by 13 Paul against the same division, New York Jets, who got their first,their second win last week against the Browns. It's the only game I lost last week. AndI got to stick with it. I got to dance with what brung me the last couple of weeks. I'm going to
01:50:40take the Jets getting 13 points on Thursday night.I just think, you know, simple game plans, Paul.Simple Grable's a better coach, but only four days to prepare.I just think, yeah, 13's a ton of fucking points.And I'm going to take the Jets.Well, you took my...No, getting 13, sorry.You took my first pick, and I love the pick, because I was going to take it.
01:51:10Look, I don't I don't know what tickets tear up the ticketsSo he gets he took a much better horseHe took the fucking horseUmDude lookI don't know what's gotten into the dolphinsThe dolphins are they're bad but they I mean how do they beat the bills coming off the bills by week right?I got a theory I got a theory please
01:51:39because what happens iswhen they know the coach is gonethat's sort of a foregone conclusionthen all of a sudden the players startworrying that they're gone so after they quitfrom the coach on the coachthen there's this like well I don't want to getI don't want to get axed too
01:51:55I don't want to be part when somebody comes inand cleans the house so once they get ridof their coach then they start fucking playingagainwell look although he's still there so that was a stupid thingI should just shut up as usualsorry go aheadThe Dolphins beat the bills.
01:52:11They have a low line and their home.Jade and Daniels is out.What's that?They're in Spain, but yeah.Oh, they're in Spain.Okay.Why would you do that to Spain?Why would you send these two fucking awful teams?
01:52:29Are they trying to go global or are we trying to start another war?When this game got announced.You got the lions playing the Eagles.Send that.to Spain if you want to fucking get people.You don't send them the fucking Cowboys Raiders gameor the command is Dolphins.They should put the blue tent over Spain.
01:52:50You're like, no, no, no.We got another, get another team in here.Get two other teams in here.We need to go over and be like,this isn't what it usually looks like.I'm going to take the Miami Dolphinsto try to save this guy's job.I don't know if it's saveable, but you know what?
01:53:07The commanders are just,just in bad shape. The Dolphins got to be feeling good in the facility this week after beatingthe bills, and it's under a field goal. I think both teams are bad, but I think now the Dolphinshave the better quarterback in this matchup. It's still Tua, right? It's still Tua. Yeah, still two.I'm going to, I know this is just nuts, but I like the line under three, and I think bothteams are bad, but I'm going to go with the team that's, I guess, feeling a little better thanthe other one this week. So I got the Miami Dolphins.All right. Seahawks won big last week that coming down to Los Angeles to play the Rams.
01:53:50I just think the Rams always seem to have their number down there. I'm taking the Ramsminus three. Going with the favorite, Paulie, you know, a little red, little black on theroulette wheel. What do I care? I'm over here wearing a fucking cheap suit. I mean, who are you?wearing a fucking mommatching sweat pantfucking outfit herethat'll be one of my picks tooJesus Paul
01:54:15you are fucking in between your earsyou didn't say one fuckingyou're just fucking looking down on your paperlook like you're taking your SATsand you know you're not going to collegebut you got to fill in a few more before the lady goesall right that's it Paul it's itit's over because you know what my
01:54:31Bill you remember thatremember that video we saw the guy watching horsesGo on. Come on. Come on. He goes, she lost. She won. She lost.That's right. Now, I like this guy. And he goes, come on. The worst, the darkest part of that thing is not him shirtless with his jeans and his muffin top. It's when he's just staring. As the race he's going, it's just going, this is so bad. This is so stupid. I should.I mean, it's really like, it's heartbreaking, that addiction.At least on drugs, you're like, you don't even fucking remember what you do it.But like, as a gambler, just wide awake, no anesthetic, just fucking losing your paycheck.But gamble on these games, everybody.
01:55:23Sorry.Well, here's the deal.What is my message here?Yeah, message is, Andrew, you know where to cut that, right?I'm going to take the 40.No, you got to give the people the truth.You know what you're doing is stupid, so fucking don't get real stupid.Well, we always tell them that.
01:55:42Yeah.Have fun.Have fun.That's all you have to do, Paul.Gamble responsibly, drink responsibly.Do smack responsibly.Well, everything.Eat responsibly.
01:55:55Have two cookies.Don't have the sleeve.Well, they put it on you.They put it on you after they fuck you.okay take away all your benefits and you come homeand you got a whole fucking liquor cabinetand you've been treated like shit all daythen it's on you
01:56:12to fucking drink responsiblyso then you can beat youthen it's still your fucking faultmaybe if there's less cunts in the worldthere'd be less pain and people wouldn't have to fuckingmedicate with this shit all right let's let's keepgoing here Paul so Paul what do you like nextI'm going to take the 49ers
01:56:32minus two and a half.You motherfucker!I love that game.You took my Jets.Fair enough.I'm going to take the 49ers becauseBrock Purdy's coming back and I think they're going to bejuiced up that he's back.
01:56:48And Kyler Murray is out for the Cardinals.Yeah, I just think the 49ers are going to,they're getting their captain back.I think that the line being under three.Again, another line under three.So I'm going to take them.All right. I like that pick, dude. And that kind of fucked me here because I was real, I was seeing things. I was seeing things. Dude, what the fuck are the Panthers? What are they? What are they? Does anybody know? No. They're five and five. And they had, they're like, yeah, that's, that's like dating a stripper. I know enough to stay out of the fucking NFC South. If I've learned anything, although I don't, yeah. I still in my mind, the 49ers are in the NFC South, but theyI used to be in the West and with the falcons.
01:57:34So that still fucks me up.I had this poster, Paul, on my wall when there was only 28 teams in the NFL.Paul, if you don't stop looking at your fucking paper.I don't know.If you don't have the answers.By fucking November 13th.I turn it around.All you can do is get better.
01:57:58Phil, I'm looking at film.I'm looking at film.I don't know man there's not a lot of meat on the bone after you took that fucking 49ers game Paul great pick um I'm gonna take the giants I'm kidding uh I am going to takedo fuck the Ravens I don't give a shit what they did last week those fucking assholes I always lose when I bet them I oh my God I'm gonna take old twinkle toes out there in Kansas City minus four playing the Broncos this is their time ofhere. Travis is going tostomp around. Themire cat's going to start showing up to thegames going, oh my God,
01:58:40Travis. And they're just going tofucking gear up that wholemedia machine.Flags are in the pockets, Paul.In the pockets.Holden defense.I didn't see anything. As heruns by with the ball sticking it out.
01:59:00Hey, talk aboutWho's the bucks?Who are the Tampa Bay Buccaneers now?What happened to them?You know what, Paul?You and Baker Mayfield have the exact same beard.And I think there's a little synergy going on there.Which is?
01:59:18Paul, you're a fucking winner.Okay?I like it.Baker Mayfield is a fucking winner.You heard that guy's fucking story?He played for Texas Tech.He wins five games.they still don't make him his is still make them the starter him and his mom drive up to norman
01:59:38oklahoma they can't get on the team he just enrolls as a fucking student he walks on walks onand wins the heisman trophy he's played for the brown crazy that's crazyplay for rams that's okay he played for the bucket of this guy he's played for perennialfucking losers and the man wins yeahAnd now he's going in thereWith BuffaloAnd all they got is chicken wings, PaulThat's all they got
02:00:10They got chicken wingsAnd they got lake effects snowAnd they have an AFL titleWhen JFK was still aliveHow do you like that?Here's my Jake the Snake reportAll rightWell, from my next pick
02:00:30Paul, what are you more excited about?Going to Tampa or going to Buffalo?I mean, I love the people of Buffalo, but Tampa.But Tampa.Come on.It's got the great weather.That's where Scientology starts.You can get yourself a cigar down in Ybor City.
02:00:52Great comedy.You can go down there and feel like you're in good shape.You go out there, look at those people in Buffalo.They're not breaking tables.They're trying to kill themselves.You'll still feel like we're in good shape there.I actually tell you, I do love Buffalo,and they have one of the best fucking minor league baseball stadiums.
02:01:11You ever seen that thing?You ever take a walk, Paul?Hey, Paul, take a fucking walk next time here.I'm going to, I'm going to take.Oh, you are fading away.Why?Oh.I'm going, well, when this podcast is over.
02:01:23Yeah, when this podcast is, it's an Opel one, it's a good one,but I didn't, I didn't set it right.I'm going to a best by get a new one.because I got to get a microphone court anyway.I like, I'm going to best way.I'm going to go head to head with Bill.I'm going to take the Denver Broncos getting four at home against the Chiefs.The Chiefs are not, the Chiefs are good, but we'll, we'll see.
02:01:44I like the four points in Denver at home.That line was four and a half before it moved to four.So maybe something, maybe something.You know what's crazy, guys?The Chiefs are not in the playoffs as of today.so they have this is a pretty big game that is November that is Novemberit's a show it's a fucking show they're not going to they got to have theprong king and queen there they got to do it they got to do it listen I will give it to the
02:02:14NFL they listened to the fans they knew we were sick of the fucking preferentialtreatment they called off the dogs in the Super Bowl and they waited for the ravensin the bills they waited five weeks for one ofthem to step up and start dating a pop star and winning games and nobody did it.So they got a ride with the Chiefs.I think the hankies go away.The hate starts up again and it's just, I don't know.It's a good game.
02:02:44Bill's got one more pick, right?Yes.Yeah, I do.Who does the Bengals have his quarterback?Still Joe Flacco.yeah i'll take joe flack own five and a half points division rivalry against the steelers i do loveaaron rogers though they're at home whatever these these games i don't know they're always closeblack and blue division no to your point i don't get why the steelers are just big favorites they got
02:03:13they got smacked on uh on the sunday-night football so it's kind of a interesting lineand that line just dropped a point this morning or last night too that was uh bangles we're getting sixand a half.Wow.I don't like that.That was probably a stupid pick, but you know what, Paul?I'm a summer school kid.I do stupid things.
02:03:33Hey, Andrew, why does the Texans line and the Titans line have six and six and a half?Why is it different?That is a typo.So what's the line?I'm going to.Hey, Paul, guess what?Everybody missed that but you.Everybody missed that but you, Paul.
02:03:50You're seeing it.That's your first little fucking bloops thing.single.Get him out of the slump.Come on, Paul.Just get a runner on.Just get a runner on.Paul, just try to make contact.
02:04:05That line, that line moved half the point, too.That's why it was a half a line down.So what is it?What kind of fucking assholes are betting this early in the week,unless you're going with fucking.It's a great point.The look at lines on Monday.I mean, there's preseason odds.
02:04:22Yeah.Yeah, they have.lines on these two. Maybe that's the move because the lines are bigger earlier in the week.Maybe you want to get in there. You want to be the guy that moves the line? I don't know.Dude, what's going on with the Chicago Bears being six and three, too? That's nuts.That is a big game, but it's a way Minnesota needs it. Dude, I'm going to take, I'm going to take Baker Mayfield and the Buccaneers getting five and a half points.Okay. Baker. Baker Verzi.I see the bills winning this game by three.
02:04:59So I'm going to take the points.And I got two favorites. I got two dogs.Let's see what happens. I hate this week.That's why I'm staring at it.Like I'm trying to crack a code.But that's it. That's where I'm at.Also, all right, and then the Monday night special.Paul, I just can't get above 500.
02:05:19I've never been able to do it.You're right there?You're at that now.Every time I had kids, I just, every time I come up for air, the book just fucking pushes my goddamn skull back under.The Baluga Whale.We have our, we have our games here.All right, I got to get rolling here, man.So let's, let's, I got to go to work.
02:05:39So let's fucking knock this out here.All right.Look at the games.We've got the Cowboys and Raiders in a Monday night game.Oh, that Lion's Eagles Sunday night.They're not doing two Monday night games.No.Monday night versus the Monday night.
02:05:55It was the best of times.It was the worst of times.You got to sing her song, Bill.Oh, fuck.Let the Monday night special win some money for you.Let the Monday not special win some fucking money for you.Paulie.Oh, my God.
02:06:13What do you like?Good guys versus the bad guys.Yeah.Let's go with the bad guys.Do you know one of my favorite Monday,night games growing up. LalaAl Zado and the Raiders were comingin and you know the Cowboys
02:06:29were called America's team back then and they wereall clean cut and all of this stuff. They had thebeautiful cheerleaders and all that.The Raiders came in looking like a motorcycle gangand they just took that on thatwhole identity. Like they wantedto go in there and just fuck up something nicelike Lail Al Zado because his dad
02:06:45didn't hug him and they came in and theykicked the Cowboys ass. It was fucking great.I love those Raiders teams backthen. Also Laila Zado, he was the shit.All right, Cowboys Raiders, Paul. Cowboys laying three and a half as the favorites going in there. Sneaky Pete, better coach.Yep. Cowboys not good this year.I'll take the Raiders. I'll take Pete Carroll.Take in the points. Dude, but the Cowboys just got such a better quarterback.
02:07:17Yeah. Meaning, I don't know who the Raiders quarterback is.Geno Smith.Who is it? Mark Wilson.Chino Smith.Gino Smith.You know, he's a turnovers.You know, Gino, he's a generous guy.You know, sneaky, you know, sneaky Pete on a, under the lights, though.
02:07:40You know, sneaky Pete knows he's on TV.I think, I like you guys listening to take the Raiders to cover.I think that's, I'm the day.Yeah, I like the Raiders to cover because I, because I think people are like thinking the Cowboys are going togoing. I don't know. How do you keepyour team under wraps, Paul? Paul,you're the new coach of the Giants. You're playing the fuckingVegas Raiders. How do you keep, how do you make
02:08:00them make curfew?I know.I know.You can't fuck with Vegas when it comes tohorse, right?Like, what are the horriestcities, Paul? You know, if you had to rankthem. I have Vegas,
02:08:17Miami.I thought of Miami, too.Yeah, Vegas. My.They're not horrors.Are they just fucking beautiful women that you want to bang?Yeah.That don't even see you.Really old face.
02:08:33All right.Let's get out of here.All right.Let's take the Cowboys.No, let's take the Raiders.Let's take the Raiders.We'll take the Raiders.Then we'll take Zach to throw one.
02:08:46And C.D. Lamb to catch one.Oh, my God.C.D. Lamb is back.C.D.I actually like that.Yeah, we have to take Lambda Catch one.Back again.You can take the Raiders running back, Jan Tea, to score one as well.
02:09:03He's great.All right, let's do that, and we'll do Lambda throw one, and we'll take the points.No, Lambda Catch one.Yeah, I'll have to catch one.Lamb to catch one, running back of the Raiders to get one, and then we'll take the points three and a half.I like that.Just out of curiosity, what is the line for Lambda throw one on the option?Oh, dude.
02:09:22That's got to be like, hey, that's big money.Dude, that's one of those bets.You hit that bet.You make the news.Watch, we don't take that and he does it to win the game.That's when I quit the show.That's when I go, guys, guys.That's when you, Paul, you get quiet.
02:09:44I say what to fucking throw shit.Paul gets quiet.When Paul loses, he gets quiet.How funny if you had happened and you just saw Stacy here fornext week's show. She's like, what's up, everybody?Paul is resting.Paul is resting.He wants to know. He wants all you guys to know that you. He loves you guys.
02:10:05Paul's in the tent.You see what I did there? I put a fucking bow on it. That's our show, everybody.Check me out at Levity Live on Thanksgiving Eve.I'll be at the Edmont Town Hall December 12th in Newtown, Connecticut.For more dates, go to Paul Versey.Stay out of the tent this week.Hey, I'm going to be at the whiskey.The whiskey of go-go on sunset.
02:10:28I'm doing stand-up there.I always wanted to perform them.I'm doing it Monday night.Oh, nice.Yeah, it's going to be.Old Freckles is going to shake the rust off,taking off these acting clothes,getting back out doing what I'm supposed to be doing.
02:10:40Paul, I'm just picturing that concussion tent on just your half of the bed is fuckinghilarious.Stacey's shaking the tent in the morning.Paul?you want some breakfastno goodI'm going to go get some breakfastI got to get my fucking shit
02:11:02we'll see you next week take careall right see you guysthanks for watching
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