Monday Morning Podcast - Olympics, A.I. Self-Help, Reading | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-19-26

Episode Date: February 19, 2026

Bill rambles about Olympic hockey, A.I. Self-Help Videos, and reading a book. (00:00) - Thursday Afternoon Podcast (36:36) - Thursday Afternoon Throwback 2-19-26 - Bill rambles about Lent, Titties, and Ben Franklin. Thursday Afternoon Interlude:  Night Moves - State Sponsored Psychosis 

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrd. It's time for the Thursday afternoon just before Friday. Just preceding Friday, Monday morning podcast. What's going on? How are you? How's it going? How are you doing?

What are you doing for the whole? You got a winter break with your kids? Huh? You're going to the fucking, you're going to go off to an island? Dude, I haven't read one word. Fucking dude. I haven't read one word of that stupid fucking Epstein file shit and it doesn't matter. It does everybody's reading it and did you hear this? Did you hear what they did? Evidently, there's no rules as to when you when you should or shouldn't bring up all this fucking horrible shit.

It's like, you know, trying to have a fucking, uh, trying to have a cup of coffee here. Wow. Oh, it's fantastic. It's fantastic. What do all of those fucking racist cunts have to say now? That's my favorite part about it. A bunch of fucking white people. What were they, what were my people doing down there? Yeah, tell me again how these other groups are more fucked up than we are. Tell me. Human beings with unchecked powered. What could go wrong? What could go wrong? What could go wrong. Anyway, have you been watching the Olympics? I haven't. I kind of tapped out on the Olympics. I watched a little bob sledding. The color commentator was brutal. He just kept going, oh, that wasn't good. That wasn't good. Oh, and he went to, yeah, that cost him some time.

Oh, not good. That's what he was saying the entire fucking time. He said it about both German teams, and then they proceeded to get into first and second place. As this cunt was saying everything they were doing was not good. Yeah, we get it. If you hit the side of the fucking thing, it slows you down. We understand the concept of friction. Ooh. Ooh, that's not what he wanted to do there.

That was not good. That's what you're looking for in a life partner or a coach. As you go down the slide of life. Sorry. Yeah, don't bring up anything good that I'm doing. Just tell me, oh, that wasn't good. That wasn't, that wasn't good. Yeah. It's like, Jesus Christ, if I wanted to listen to this, I'd call my mother. All right, I'm on a stupid move. It's raining in California. I'm sure that guy gets emails every time it rains, whoever wrote that song. Whoever wrote that song, it never rains in California. I'm sure he always gets fucking emails.

Yeah, now what, buddy? Now what? Yeah. Really? Why don't you shut the fuck up? You know, all that misdirected. Misdirected anger. Misdirected anger, I think, is my favorite anger.

That's it. You know? Just the surprise on all the innocent victim's faces. You know, personally, that's what I live for. I don't know. I saw this woman the other day and she wasn't wearing makeup. So right then I knew she was going to be a problem. You know, the second I realized that she had no interest in trying to impress me

or hearing what my thoughts were, I was like, oh, Jesus, who was the poor bastard married to this? You know what I mean? Anyway, oh, I forgot to bring this up. I need to bring this up. I need to promote here. The 13th annual Patrice O'Neill. comedy benefit. Tuesday, April 28th at New York City Center Theater in New York City, believe it or not. And you have to say that because the Boston Comedy Club was in New York City. At the New York City

Center Theater in New York City, doors open at 6.30, show stats at 7.30. We have an incredible lineup with Adam Ray, David Tell, Drew Dunn, Jordan Jensen, Matt Richards, Zarnagher, and me, Bill Burr, and as always, the evening wouldn't be complete with, you know, arguably one of the best dressed men in comedy, Mr. Rich Voss, you know? And you know what I love about the way rich dresses? It's not any one thing. It's the way the whole thing comes together. You know, the for us, by us track suit with the Fats Domino rings. The goatee from 1997, salt and pepper in that, you know, to show his wisdom. And then, of course, a pair of giant oversized Jordan threes or whatever. Some people hit a point in their life and then they never moved past it. And I would say

that that's rich boss. Somewhere in the 90s, Rich Voss did Def Jam, and I don't think he was ever able to, in a fashion sense, move on from that. His life moved on, but his clothes didn't. All right. That should be enough to get him fucking trashing me the second I walk in. All right, tickets go on sale tomorrow, Tuesday, February 17th. Oh, shit, that already happened. All right, tickets went on sale on Tuesday, February 17th at 12 p.m. Eastern in case you're wondering.

All tickets are what they've always been, $75. bucks. Tickets can be purchased at Patricecomedybenefit. Live or by calling the box office at 212-5-81-1-2-12. Who knew? Who knew you could still call a fucking number and get a person? 212-5-81-1-2-1-2. All of this information will be posted on my social handles and on my website. That's right. I still have a website. I'm not ashamed of it. And I own the fucking... I own the rights to that

until I don't. Shout out and thank you to our lovely producer Maureen Taryn. She's totally the engine behind this thing. One of the great producers. One of my great friends

that I've had in this business and we've done a lot of projects together and she always crushes it. See, that's what you do. You want to be successful but you're a fucking moron. You surround yourself with smarter people

that don't have the internal strength and not be berated by you yourself. No, I'm kidding. I would never berate her, nor would she tolerate it. But I'm not saying I wouldn't try. Have you watched any of the Olympic hockey? I heard the USA had a good game yesterday. I don't know what's going on.

I don't know where to watch it, when it comes on. Is it one of those four in the morning things? I keep catching the replays where all they do is just, they just edit all the shots that were taken, whether they went in or not. So you just, you know, it's like, oh, you know, on the save. Then you guys do another high.

Oh! It's not a good way to watch hockey. I got to figure out when they're on. Well, Bill, you could Google it. You could get off your freckled ass and you could fucking Google it. Of course I could. Of course I could. But then what would I have to complain about?

Huh? Here's a conversation I heard at my kid's school yesterday. The kid goes, hey, do you know how to whistle? Oh, fuck, I forget what the person said. God damn it, sorry. What do they say? Do you know how to whistle? And they said something like, yes, I do, but I...

Something about yes, I know how to whistle, but I can't. God damn it. I can never remember what kids say, because they say it in just such like a unique way. Like my son was, wanted to be done with his meal the other night, like he just didn't want to eat anymore. So he just goes, hey, dad, can I be full now?

I just burst it out laughing. I go, yeah, man, you make that decision. I don't. You tell me when you're full. But just him saying that made me feel bad. I was thinking like, wait a minute, that is part of being a kid, is you're full and you're full.

Parents are going, what are you in that? Fuck, let me eat it all up. It's good for you. Make you strong. In this house, you have to be a member of the clean plate club. It was always a clean plate club. It's like, well, why don't you fucking have portion control? What is this?

The fucking cheesecake factory? How much chicken a la kin can one fucking six-year-old eat? It's bread and slop. It's filling me up. This is concrete. Oh, fuck. Look at that. I'm sitting in my car.

You hear the rain? Here comes the rain again. There's yet another, one of those vintage, overpriced Porsches. Oh, that looks like a Targa from the late 60s, if I had to guess. Oh, it's a fucking buttery, creamy brown. Brownish yellow. Jesus Christ, that's gorgeous. Oh, we had a special license plate on it.

Special license plate. I love vanity plates. You know? I think that's such a great thing that, selfish, self-involved people do is they give you the heads up. You know, if you never met them before, and all of a sudden they pull up

with a license plate that says cruising or something like that, you know, this guy's a douche. It's over before it starts. You know? Hot mom. Whatever the fuck, these... They're never good.

I've seen... Wait, that's not true. God damn it, Bill. When are you going to stop speaking in absolutes? I don't know, when I gain some sort of worldview. Van Lewin, those goddamn people, they're everywhere. Those people are everywhere. Can you imagine if all the fat Americans got together and sued them, like a clash action suit,

like blame them for their diabetes? I try to walk away from the store everywhere I was like Starbucks. I couldn't get away from them. Who thinks to do that? I'm going to have a bunch of, I'm going to franchise five. fucking ice cream. You know? I know for younger people, that doesn't make sense, but I grew up in a country where they still used to try to fucking, well, I'm still in the same country. I grew up in a time when they actually tried to control people from becoming monopolies. I don't know. When the,

when the fuck is that going to stop? Five guys own everything. Five guys, burgers and fries and everything else. Five guys. Five guys own all of it. Okay? And whatever they decide you're getting paid is what the fuck you're getting paid. All right? That's it. I saw my first AI video today that was giving me self-help. It's kind of funny. Of course, it was a beautiful woman. How come AI won't make regular looking women? Um, because AI understands holless. Um, she was talking about a, the power of a silent man. Oh, a silent man doesn't argue with you. He dismisses you.

Once you become a liability, he da-da-da-da. You know, they just caught talking about how he makes all these moves silently. And you don't know what he's thinking. And the loud people, you know, who are trying to get the attention of the room, the silent guy's trying to read the room. You know? And all I'm thinking is like, what is this guy's fucking problem? Why can't you just hang out and be cool, right?

So she goes through all of this thing about the power of a silent man. And then some fucking idiot in the comment writes, That's me! I don't know, you don't sound too silent to me. Wouldn't you be silent in the comments? You know, trying to read the fucking text thread, the comment section rather than fucking... I never comment, but I really want to jump in it.

That isn't you. If it was really you, you'd be silent. Who you are in that story is the... person trying to get everybody's attention in the room. You know why? Because game recognizes game. All right. I got to get a cup of coffee. I'm going to finish this thing in a second. Okay, I'm back. I'm back from the gubble coffee. And I actually went home. And I went home. And I don't give a fuck what I was talking about before. I remember right when I was pressing pause, I was like, remember what you were talking about to pick it up. And then I just realized I don't care. I don't care.

I don't care because I said it, so it probably wasn't important. Can you imagine at the end of your fucking life if there was a graph? It was an overall graph on how much you said. And then it broke it down to like how much of it was important and how much of it didn't matter. Right? Oh, I was talking about the. AI chick, given the advice. You know what's funny about the hot AI chick given the spiritual advice or describing, you know,

the guy who's reading the room? Like, who goes to a party and reads the room? Is there something to win here? Like, I thought we were just fucking hanging out, having a few beers. Most people try to go in and say hello, not me. I go to the corner. I look at people. Someone catches my eye.

I look away. You haven't earned the right to say hello to me yet. I don't like people saying hello to me when I'm busy reading the room. Anyway, so I pull into my driveway. Wouldn't you know it? Wouldn't you know it this time of you're in L.A.? It's raining cats and dogs. He's she's and they just fucking coming down.

splattin on the ground trying to make their fucking Hollywood dreams come true and I pull into the driveway and what do I see the end of my drain spout I just see this flow of fucking water coming out because old freckles

old man Billy got up on the roof just like Santa Claus you know I didn't land on it in a magic sleigh I fucking climbed up there you fat fuck he does go down a chimney though, which would be very claustrophobic and dirty. Everybody always wanted, how does a reindeer fly?

How does he keep his beard so white, you know, going down all that sooty? You know why? Because most of the chimneys are decommissioned. You can't use them anymore because of these fucking liberals. Why is it so fun to be stupid? It's just, it's easy. It's just junk food for your brain. Anyway, I fucking came home and I saw all the water coming out.

And the same thing happened the other day. And both times I took a video of it. And I sent it to my lovely wife just to let her know how much I'm crushing it. And of course, you know, I don't know. They don't have the ability. All right? They don't have the mental capacity to understand how fucking thrilling that is as a guy to go up on your fucking roof. risk breaking your neck, clean all the shit out, only to have it rain a few days later,

and the whole thing fucking works. I mean, you got to understand for a summer school kid like me, like I, like, what I just did is like NASA level shit for me. Yeah, like, the bar isn't that high. You know what's great about not having the bar set to? Don't set the bar too high. I want to, I'm going to make an AI. hot chick talking about this,

about how stupid is to set the bar high. Why set the bar high? Why not make a bunch of little goals so you can feel like you're crushing it? Like yesterday, I came home and I was like, you know what I'm going to do? I'm going to make myself a grilled ham and cheese sandwich with some dill pickles inside

and a fucking bag of chips. Okay, that's where the bar was. And I fucking, I crushed it. What did I do? Well, you know, I heated up my pan first, don't you see? Why the pan was heating up, you know, I always put the butter in right as I turn it on heat because the color of the butter, not to be racist, it lets me know where the pan, where the heat of the pan is.

All right. So I'm looking for that nutty brown color. So while I was doing that, you know, I took out some ham and cheese. I'm going to take it through this whole fucking thing. I took out the ham and cheese. All right? Now the problem is the ham and cheese is coming right out of the goddamn refrigerator. And making a grilled cheese sandwich, you know, there's an art to it. Where you want it to be crunchy, you want to toast the fucking thing.

But you also need the cheese to melt. And doggone it, you know, if the bread's too thick, it's going to fucking, that's going to get too dark. You're going to burn it before the cheese melts. So it was quite a conundrum. I'm sorry, I've downloaded a new app called Use a New Word every day. Nundrum. Fortunately, doesn't ask me to spell it. So what I did, don't you see, is I got the, the butter was the right color, and I put the ham in, I heated it up a little bit. You know what I mean? Heated it up, and then I set it aside and I put the cheese on top of it, so it's already fucking melting. Then I fucking buttered both sides of the bread, don't you see? And what I do is I then have them, you know, butter to butter because I don't want it to get on the place. plate. And then when I'm ready to go in, the bottom one has the ham and cheese. I go cheese, cheese, ham, cheese, cheese. That's how it fucking works. All right? I'm not repeating it in case you're

writing down this recipe. Then I go to stick it in the pan. And the top one, I flip it over so it's butter side down so I can take my bacon press and push it down. And it was working like a fucking charm. And guess what? Guess what I didn't realize? When I went to go flip it with the skillet, I mean with the skillet, with the fucking, that thing you flip it over, a spatula. Sorry, conundrum as far as I go today. I go to flip it. It was sticking to the bottom of the plan. Wouldn't you know the fucking goddamn ham? The goddamn ham absorbed all the butter. So I had a nice beautiful toasted bread and then I had to hack it up and I fucked it all. I mean, and it happened on, and I knew it was happening,

but I couldn't stop and add more butter, because then I thought my pan was hot. It's going to immediately burn, and I just plowed forward through it. And I'm not glad to you, this sandwich looked like fucking roadkill. It looked like somebody backed over it twice with a studded tire. And, uh, but it was fucking delicious. It was fucking delicious.

Once I put the pickles in there, and then when I do, I give a little, little sprinkle sea salt on top, you know? And I ate it. was fucking delicious. And I was able to learn something about myself. I was like, you know, I'm a lot like this sandwich. I'm unsightly. I'm a mistake. But God damn it, if I'm not delicious. All right. This is what happens when your wife is at work, your kids are at school, and you're just alone with your thoughts. This is what happens. what is happening right now you may or may not have asked i am uh i am i don't know what i'm doing i don't know

if i'm losing my mind or slowly becoming a god in my head you know there's nothing there's no difference between me and that ham and cheese sandwich i'm that sandwich and it is me everything is me don't you hate fucking spiritual people you know it's so fucking aggressive and they just fucking just got to every goddamn thing they just got to bring it back to this spirituality shit, you know. And it's like, dude, you were a cunt last week. Like, what is this? What happened?

You know what it usually is? When somebody's a fucking cunt and then the next week all of a sudden they're nice, that usually means they recently went to HR or they're about to get sued. And there's sort of this desperate, you know, like how you. used to do a term paper and you'd wait to the last fucking second. It's like they're waiting to the last second to be a good. They're trying to rewrite their origin story in a week after being a cunt for like fucking seven straight years to everybody.

Oh, I got to tell you, I'm reading, this is, I'm reading a book, everybody. Oh, Billy. Oh, Billy Reader. It was sent to me by this guy, Keith O'Brien, New York. Times best-selling author of Charlie Hustle and Fly Girls. He wrote this book called Heartland, or as they would say in Massachusetts, Hotland. It says, A Forgotten Place, An Impossible Dream, and the Miracle of Larry Bird.

I am 54 pages into this book, and it is fucking amazing. It is amazing. If you are a basketball fan, if you are just a fan of the human experience, I had like, you know, I'm from Boston, I'm a fucking state. Don't you're not from Boston. You're not even from greater boss. He came from the suburbs. All right. Take it easy, kid.

Take it easy. All right. I was a 15-minute drive, driving 60 miles an hour from the hat of Boston. No traffic. With traffic, 45 minutes. Fucking go, joked. You know, I had heard stories, Larry, growing up, you know, where he came from and stuff. It was all sort of vague.

This, the in-depth way this guy is, the level of research is insane. Like, he's talking about when he went to the University of Indiana, he knows the dorm room number of the soft world. Like, this is like, this is thorough, you know? like if this book was about like if this book was as thorough you know about Epstein Island it would all be blacked out that's so many facts seem to be in this book um anyway it's a it's a fantastic fucking read oh Jesus dude that burns feeling a little bit of a cold coming on so when you feel that you take a little bit of oregano oil and you put it in some water

and you give it a good stir but then what happens is you forget that you put it in there oil and water I don't know if you've ever heard of this I don't know if you're a fan of Neil deGrasse Tyson but I saw him the other day on a comedian's podcast letting the person know

that oil and water in fact do not mix blowing the comedian's mind dude bro what Anyway, yeah, so what happens is the fucking oregano oil sits at the top and Jesus Christ, does it burn? So you've got to give it a nice little fucking swirl here. There we go. There's a little tip for you from the human ham sandwich.

A poorly made ham sandwich. But you know what? There's always tomorrow. And I think, you know something, guys, this is AI Bill now, being spiritual. I feel like we can use that Roadkill Ham Sandwich as a metaphor. This is right. I'm just pausing, looking around the room as if you're listening. You know, doing that smile.

You know, when they pursed their lips, like, I think I just said something clever there. You know? And these people always get a follower. You know why? Because most people, they never let go of their childhood. That's what it is. I should talk, right? No, they go out into the world.

They leave home. They leave mommy and daddy. And then they spend the rest of their time trying to replace looking for mommy and daddy figures. And someday you just have to wake up and realize that your parents didn't love you. And if they didn't love you, these fucking strangers aren't either. All right? So that's when you just go for yourself. and you don't give a fuck, you pour shit in the water supply,

you work your way up, a corporation, you fire entire arms of your business, all but one person and make the one person do everything that that part of the business was doing. And then you take all their salaries as your Christmas bonus, and you sit there in front of a roaring fire as a crying prostitute leaves your house. Sorry.

It gets dark people. I think my point is is to go towards the light. I think that that... You know what? I think that's what I'm trying to say. All right. Let's get to the reeds here for the week.

Where were the reeds? I thought I had it opened. Oh, there it. Oh, would you look at that? There it is. Playing is day. All right. Here we go.

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It's Bill Byrd. It's time for the Monday morning podcast for Monday. February 19th, 2018. Oh, my God. Two months are almost over. This year is just flying by, it is if you live out here, you know. You live out here in Los Angeles, it's fucking awesome. As opposed, she gives us a keys, as opposed to living back east where I guess it's really fucking cold, which is where I'm about ready to go. I'm about ready to go to Beck East because we're doing the sixth annual Patrice O'Neill, comedy benefit.

All right, raising money and raising awareness. for the greatest comedian that I ever saw live. The sixth annual, it's going to be a great one. I can't wait. I fly out tomorrow. I'm already packed. I got my fucking ticket. You know, I got a nice midday flight.

Going to have a good time. And then I'm going to do a late night set or some shit at the West Side Comedy Club. Shake a little bit of the rust off. And go on and try not to embarrass myself with the last. with the level of talent that we have going on there. Of course, and you know who out with an added addition this year. The teen idol sensation from the late great Opie and Anthony show, Mr. Joe DeRosa. Joe de Rosa, half Egyptian, 100% cunt.

Can't wait to see him. So anyway, so I'm doing this podcast in the afternoon. I hung out with my family all weekend. I had a great time, except for the big fight I had with my wife. Other than that, it was a great time. You know what I mean? And I made, you know what? It was Ash Wednesday the other day, and I went to church for the first time in a long time,

just to see the band. They had that Dixieland band. I don't know why they don't have that every week. You know what I mean? I would go every week if they were in the back. They do that. They do that as opposed to coming in. with that haunting fucking organ.

I fucking died for you. Ba ba-ba-bo-bo. Yeah. Da-da-de-da-da-da-da-ba-bo. Right? All that shit, you know. The original. The original support the troops, first responders.

The original guilt trip. The Catholic religion. If Jesus was alive today, can you imagine the standing ovation he would get as he walked through the fucking airport? If people weren't staring at their phones, if they saw him, you know what I mean? Anyways, plowing ahead. So it's Ash Wednesday, and I've given up argument with my wife for Lent. I'm just not going to do it. I'm just going to experiment just completely just, I'm just going to fucking, I'm just going to agree with everything.

Hey, hey, you want to do this? horrific time eater that you'll experience absolute no joy in uh yeah absolutely honey that sounds great you know i'm already been doing it it's weird in her out you know because we went to the mall today right who the fuck goes to the mall on a sunday guess what this guy because i'm not arguing with my wife anymore let's go go to the mall fucking absolutely let's go when everybody else has the day off to go right so we go down there I mean, it was like it was Christmas. There was so many fucking people down.

Are the weeks leading up to Christmas, I should say? Just a zillion fucking people. We still had a good time, all right? Don't get me wrong. I love my wife. I love my kid. I love my role as being a father. But Jesus, fucking Christ.

You know what I mean? It just gets to the point, man. There's just too many fucking people. I start getting like claustophobic. So we go down in this place, right? we're fucking hanging out and everything. And I'm just looking around. I actually glad I went because I haven't been to a gathering of people in a long time.

I mean, I know people come out to my shows, but the lights are in my eyes, so I can't see you. And I cannot fucking believe the influence of social media on just people walking around. It was a shit show. I have never seen so much side boob, underneath boob, on top boob. my wife's going, you stop staring all these titties? It's just like, how? They're fucking out.

Everybody looked like they were trying to do, you know, the, it was dress like they were going to a photo shoot to get their fucking, whatever, your main picture on Instagram. All the guys GQed up or looking like J. Crew Dushes. I saw this one woman walking by,

and it was just like she looked like she was on her way to the club, and she was pushing a baby. And I accidentally in front of knee, I just go, that's not a mom. Moms don't look like that. So, Nia's looking at me. She goes, why not?

That's what I want to look like. I want to be the hot mom. What's wrong with that? And I was just like, well, I gave it up for Lent. I was like, nothing. Nothing. Yeah, you're right. You're right.

And she goes, no, no, I want to hear what you're thinking. I said, no, well, you know, I gave up arguing with you. for Lent. So, you know, she goes, we don't have to argue. You could just tell me what you're thinking. She right off the bat, I'm loving this new power that I have

that I'm not going to argue with her. And then, you know, because I'm not arguing with her, she's not going to know what I'm thinking, right? And that's freaking her out. And all I want to say is, hey, welcome to my fucking world. I never know what you're thinking.

Guys, I'm telling me right now, it's not too late. It's not too late. Give up arguing with your woman for Lent. And this is the, tell them that that's what you're doing. I'm not going to argue with you. And they're all excited.

They think it's going to be great. But then you're like taking away one of their major powers, which is their ability to piss you off and then you spill the beans. You know, they get you all fucking mad and be like, all right, all right. I was an hour late because I had another drink with my friends. You know what? Because I don't fucking break my balls like you do.

And then she could be like, oh. So you're worried out like, all that shit, right? So if you just sit there and you just sit in the fucking pocket, like what was that movie? John Tuturo did. We played that mobster, and he just did that great thing where he just was sitting there, like barely audible in front of the whatever, some fucking Senate committee going, I can't answer that on the grounds I might incriminate myself. I can't answer that on the grounds I might incriminate myself.

I can't answer that in the grounds I might incriminate myself. He says it like over and over again, this gravelly fucking voice that is so fucking unbelieve. Right there, they should have just given him reward. Just him saying that line over and over again was better than 90, percent of the fucking acting that I see, right? So, anyways, she's trying to get me to fucking say why, you know, a woman shouldn't be like fucking high heels with her ass fucking jacked up in the air and a tits hanging out, you know, makeup all done, hair all done, all of that shit, pushing around a kid. Now, you know, there really is no reason why she can't be like that. I just selfishly was just

sitting there like, I wouldn't want my mom to look like that. because then all my friends would want to fuck my mom. You know? So much of what I think makes sense until I say it out loud, and then I realize how fucking stupid I am. But it was, I mean, granted, I was in L.A. We went right to the fucking the grove here in Hollywood, where it's just like, you know,

there was some of the best-looking fucking 40, 50, and 60-year-old people have ever seen in my life. And then you had the young people. Jesus Christ, it was All-Star Weekend. You thought all the whores were down at the Staples Center and the fucking hotels in the surrounding area. No, they were over at the Grove, the regular ones. Everybody there looked like they were trying to fuck an NBA All-Star,

and none of them were. They were just shopping. And I caught myself in a mirror, and I was just like, wow, man. I literally looked like I came here in a fucking time machine. I had my old Archie Bunker hat on. And everybody keeps breaking my balls because I made fun of Rogan's hat that one time when he said he had a little rascal's haircut on, hat, hat on. I was going to say, I love that hat. I just gave him shit because I thought he was going to come at me. It was just

a comedian thing. Make fun of his fucking hat. He'll be self-conscious. He can't see it. It's on top of his head. It's going to fuck with him. And then I won't have to deal with Joe Rogan unleashing his genius on my big bald head, right? That's the only reason why. Other than that, I like the hat. So I got a couple of those. I got a little pork pie hat, you know? I got my own little fucking Mr. White from fucking breaking bad going on. You shave your head as a white dude. I mean, you got to cover it up, especially if you're a fucking ginger. All right? I'm not trying to spontaneously combust. I live in a desert out here. I got to keep the sun off me. Anyways, I need to like paint the top of my, you know, paint the top of my head. Like,

you know, in World War II how they would paint the headlights so they'd just be like a little slit there. I should paint the entire, my whole fucking head and just have a slit right near my eyes. So I don't blind anybody trying to land at LAX. Anyways, but there was a lie in the middle of all of that Instagram shit show, which who's kidding who? Most of this is just me dealing with the fact that things are changing and nobody cares about my views, which is part of becoming old. They just said now, way, it used to be a shop where you can buy peanuts, right? Nobody cares. Nobody cares, old man.

You had your time. It's fucking over, right? So I'm just kind of getting to that realization that I am that guy. I probably been that guy for 15 years, but I'm just, you know, my fucking, I don't know. I'm so full of myself. I finally just realized it. So I don't know. That's something.

I mean, man, I must have looked like a creep. I must have looked like a creep. I'm 49 years old, okay? And I like to think I try to be a gentleman, you know? Jesus. I try. Okay. But here's the thing, if you're going to walk by it with your fucking titty's out, I mean, what am I supposed to do?

That's my new fucking, you know, when I get a text, like some gumshoe shit, it drives me a nuts, and I love it. I'm fucking winning, man. I'm not arguing with her. It's driving her nuts in a little way, you know? Because she's the, well, we don't have to argue, but I still like debating. So I should know what's going on with you. Um, as always, my wife doesn't talk like that. That's just how I hear it in my head. So anyways, we went over there and, uh, I went into the Nike store.

And they actually have the balls. They're selling t-shirts that say equality. And I'm thinking like, isn't this to people, was it them or Apple that had the sweatshop where people would jump into their deaths? I can't remember. But then I looked it up and it says that Nike, He has made big strides, no pun intended, in their fucking sweatshop environment. Which, I mean, what do you have to fucking do? You know, give one person a sandwich and then you get a higher rating than last quarter? I don't know. Top 10 ways to improve a sweatshop.

Number one, buy a fly swatter. one fly swatter for all 10,000 employees. Number two. What else could you do? Have a door. People can go home at some point. A working bathroom. I don't know.

I don't know. They're all fucking... Why do they have? You know what I mean? It's so fucking dumb. When I was a kid, they made shirts in this country. And it didn't cost you a zillion dollars. But now they're just like, you want them to get your country?

It's going to cost you a hair and everything. Because it's not because it costs so fucking much to make a shirt. It's because they're not going to drop their profits. So it's like, all right, if we can't pay this guy 30 cents an hour, we got to pay in an American fucking $10 an hour, then you're going to eat the cost in the shirt. Okay? Because I'm not having a smaller yacht.

You got that fucko? And by the way, I gave to the president's campaign. You didn't. So what I say goes. That's how I. I think it works. Without ever having researched how much it costs to make a shirt, that's how I formulate my opinions. You know, I look at a couple things, then I get paranoid, and then I just start running my freckled fucking yap. And for whatever reason, enough people listen to this podcast that I

continue doing it twice a week. All right? Do you ever think about that as you sit in your cubicle, giggling and laughing to yourself that you're just enabling, you're just enabling the disease of a sick man, maybe. I don't know. I don't know what the fuck I am. All I know was the titties were out at the fucking mall and I was walking around looking like a skinny archie bunker and I don't give a fuck, you know? My wife goes, well, don't be fucking, dude, this one girl walked by, right? Giant ass, giant round fucking ass. And she was, I think she bought salamis from the white shadow, salami short shorts off of the white shadow

and that's what the fuck she had on. Her fucking ass was out. I was like, Mia, look at that. Turn around, look at that. She goes, look at what? And she turned around. She goes, Jesus Christ. Yeah.

Guys, you got to stick around and raise your daughters. Okay? I'll tell you right now, if that woman, that barely a woman wearing those fucking shorts, if her dad stuck around

for her entire childhood, I swear to God, I'll have a gun in my mouth. If you can be a good dad and your daughter still goes to the mall with half her fucking ass hanging out, I don't know, maybe that's this is this part of the fucking, the me too thing, the empowerment of women. If a woman wants to walk around with all of her ass hanging out,

that's her fucking child. You know, that stupid shit now where it's like basically women can now do whatever the fuck they want without consequence. You know? Ignoring the number one fucking rule of nature, which is you have the way you wish the world is and the way the world really is. And you have to act accordingly. You could walk around with your ass hanging out. I wouldn't do it.

That's not something I would do. But, you know, it is your ass. And if you want to have it out. Remember that George Carlin that he did? He goes, you haven't noticed 90% of women who are against abortion?

You wouldn't want to fuck in the first place? It's one of my favorite friends. That's just fucking hilarious, you know. That's a lot of times when you sit there and women are bitching about being cat called. Some of the fucking women who fucking complain about that shit, you're just looking at them going, are you fucking kidding me?

Are you kidding me? I swear to God, you walk by a construction side. The only thing you can hear is the sound of people hammering nails. You know, if you're fucking high horse. You know, or maybe that's because I'm not exactly a good-looking person, and I don't have sympathy for people who get like a standing ovation when they walk by a fucking job site. Am I really supposed to feel bad for you? I understand.

It's scary. I always looked at it like, you know, like whenever as a guy you watch like the beginning of Shawshank Redemption and everyone's chanting, fresh fish. that's much to be what like, you know, a certain, you know, level of good-looking woman feels like when she walks by a construction site. However, in 2018, all women seem to be acting like they're that good-looking. And the reality is you're not. Okay. Which brings me to Olympic figure skating.

All right. If I hear one more fucking figure skater talking about how they had to starve themselves because they weren't the right body type to fucking twirl around on the fucking ice. I mean, am I really supposed to feel bad for you? okay you're you're you're you've entered a fucking beauty contest all right i swear to god it'd be like you know listen to some of these people complain is like me bitching that i i can't book a shampoo commercial or how come i can't be the spokesperson for copper tone tanning because you're a bald pasty freckled cunt that no one wants to look at we're in business here we're trying to make money right so i don't i that that that fucking uh what what was what was

the fuck is her name. You know, I love that. I don't even know her name. Oh, no, Tanya Hardy. I guess I don't know the other one's name. Nancy Carrigan. I know both. You know what I mean? That was just all about a little fucking runt of the litter chick, all right? Who should have been like a power lifter or something, and she decided that she was going to figure skate. I mean, they have figure right in the fucking job. You got to be all long and fucking sinewy. Everybody knows that. I don't fucking get it. You got to like fucking, you got to like dumb it down. There's a lot of weird shit going on right now. I heard Sports Illustrated use nothing but women photographers this year is some sort of sign of strength with women. It's just like, well, wait a minute.

So all those guys who used to hire, did any of them get busted for doing anything wrong? Or did they just all get kicked to the curb? I'm not buying any of this either. Now everybody has to like do something. This is like the vagina version of like, the fucking ice bucket challenge. It's like, why can't I just give you money? Why do I get to dump shit over my fucking head? What's the cause? Is it worthy?

Is the money actually going to the victim's final? Give it to him. These stupid shows of strength. I don't know. God, I'm in a fucking mood. So, Friday night, me and my wife went down to go see Black Panther. All right. And I enjoyed the movie.

Neil loved the movie. I enjoyed it. But, you know, I had a little sippy sip before I went in there. And then I had two hits of weed. And it's just the weed that they make nowadays. It's just, you know, I'm trying not to drink. I don't want the calories, right? So I had a couple hits of weed.

I was just, I was like tripping. So I'm sitting in that fucking movie, right? And, you know, it's a fucking superhero movie, right? And everybody's just like, there's always this big drama with your family and all of that shit. And at one point, I fell asleep. Nothing because of the movie. was because I was fucking flying. And I fell asleep for, I don't know how long.

And all of a sudden, something big in metal got thrown or crashed. And it hit the ground. It was like scraping and shit. And in my brain, I was flying a helicopter and my skids hit the fucking runway when I was trying to taxi. And I thought I was going to flip the fucking thing. And dude, I tell you, I fucking jumped. Fucking like, woke my son. self up. And Nia's looking at me like, Jesus Christ, it wasn't that scary.

But anyways, Nia's going to go back and she's going to go see the one where you put the glasses on and it's this whole other level. And I can't handle that shit. You know what I mean? I don't want somebody's fucking hand in my face and those women with the fucking despairs there. I don't, you know, it's enough for me. It's fucking unreal that people needed to jump off the screen. It's like this isn't incredible enough. I don't want to ruin the move. There's one fight scene, you know, between a couple of fans. It's always family members.

There's always some shit going on. You know what I mean? Somebody's dad did something or somebody's pissed at their sister. Or they didn't realize, you know, oh, hey, I didn't even know you were my cousin. Oh, fuck. Let's join forces and go fucking try to take the mountain and get the glowing thing and put it back in its rightful place so everybody can live in peace. It's basically the blue. blueprint of them all, right?

My beef for superhero movies is like, after they made up like six of them, kind of like all the really good ideas were gone. It's like the dunking contest. There's only so many ways to fucking dunk it. And the next thing you know, you know, they're bringing out, you know, some guy like Staples is sitting at a desk, right? And somebody's got to fucking jump over him. Used to Stapler as like a fucking springboard or something.

At that point, you're just like, dude, you're out of ideas. Okay? We've exhausted what human beings can do. let's wait till nerds continue to develop these fucking robots and let's see what they can do. Right? No, you don't think so? I don't know. What do you guys think of those when you go to an NBA game and those people come out with a trampoline and they're all flipping around and fucking slamming the ball and everything?

That was like interesting for like two weeks. And then I just started realizing that most of them were white and I just started feeling bad about myself going, Jesus Christ, we can't even do what black people do unless we have like a fucking trampoline. And I hate whatever form of entertainment that is, that fucking excitement that they're trying to pass on to you. I'm just too much of a jaded cunt. You know, when they fucking have their eyebrows up, you know, and they're fucking nodding as they come out. You know, like all of a sudden we're all in band camp or something. Oh, God, why am I such a cunt? Why can't I just sit and fucking enjoy things?

I try. I don't try. This is just naturally who the fuck I am. You know what I mean? Anyways. So Saturday night, I had a great weekend. Saturday night I went to the fucking, I went to Queens of the Stone Age at the L.A. Forum with Royal Blood opening up.

Jesus Christ. What a fucking show. You have to go see it. You got to go see it. I've been, I've heard nothing but great things on this, about this tour. up so I was really excited. And every fucking time that band was in town. I've been out of town every fucking

time. They played the Wiltern. I was out of town. Where the hell do they then they played, then their next album came out and I think they had Staples. I don't know where they were at. Not this album, the album before. And I forget where I wasn't in town, so I missed that one. And then I thought

I was going to miss this one. Then the last second, you know, my daughter got sick. So I kind of pushed back my trip to New York. And I was able to go down to see the, holy shit, were they fucking good. It was ridiculous. And John Theodore has this fucking red vista-like kit now

that just sounded incredible. And two times he took a drum solo. I don't want to ruin the show if they do the same thing every night. They don't strike me as that kind of band. But like, it was just, it was fucking unreal. It was just unreal. And that bass player was a bat, total fucking rock star. And then I got to see Royal Blood, too, who I'm a big fan of. And me and Del Rey got there,

got there a little bit late, but we caught like half of their set. It was just two fucking people, bass player and drums killing it. Everybody going nuts. And I always love seeing shows at the forum, too, because I can't believe, like, how small that place is compared to, like, the Staples Center, which is, like, gigantic. And I probably, the form. them holds just as many people. There's just not so many bells and whistles in there. And every time I go in there, I just look down where the floor used to be, being like, this is where Magic Worthy, Kareem. That's where McAil somewhere on one of these corners, clothesline Kurt Rambis. This is where the fucking 76ers came in and kicked their shit out of the Lakers in 83.

This is where that Piston team beat the Lakers, I think? Like so many. I mean, the Lakers were basically in the finals almost every year. They were in the finals in 80, 82, 83, 84, 85. I might be wrong about that. 86 they missed it, 87 and 88. So what is that? That was like seven out of eight. It was either six out of eight years or seven out of eight years. They were in the finals every fucking year. So I just think of all the wars that I saw on that court. And I actually saw the Lakers and the L.A. Kings play there back in the 90s. I saw the Kings when they played the Penguins against Mario Lemieux, and then I saw a young, young, young Kobe Bryant when he was still wearing number eight.

Del Harris was the coach, and I think Dennis Rodman was on that team, and Shaq had just got there. Hey, ladies. Hi. Hey, you want to talk about that, you know, all of the Instagram people I saw at the mall? I didn't tell you, I was so frigging claustrophobic with how many people there. That was bananas, right? Yeah.

Yeah. But I was telling the listeners that for Lent, I gave up arguing with you. Oh, is that what that's about? Huh? It's Lent? Well, that doesn't have to be Lent, but why not? Isn't it 40 days? 40 days. I'm not going to argue with you. So right now, if you want to, you know. If you want it, you can get it. No, any of any like shit that you know that, oops, any stuff. Sorry, sweetheart. Sorry. Hi. Hi. My daughter got her ears,

I was so against it. Oh, but she looks so cute. Yeah, she does. I know, but she's just like, I was wondering, oh, you want to see something cute? Why don't you put on my little pork pie hat? This is the most adorable thing ever. Watch this.

Now are you going to start crooning for us? Rangers on the night. Isn't that a Barbara Streisand song? Oh, he's saying that too. Then he Scats sang in the end. She keeps kissing the microphone. Doobie, doby, do. There were, hey, don't crush my head.

What was your problem with hot moms at the mall? What's wrong with that? I don't have a problem with it. You're right. Okay, so this is a no arguing. I don't know what to, I don't know what it was. It was, you're not going to. I know.

I just, I wonder, I guess, you know, is what you were saying. I was just wondering, like, how committed, like, are you? It just seems really self-involved. Like, I mean, I can't get a tan. But let's say I could get a tan. All right. Oh, you almost felt that, kiddo. Back up here.

Back up here. So, like, say, like, I'm a dad and I'm walking around. I got a P90X body all tanned up. I got my teeth all, uh... All white. Yeah, all whitened. But you should. But you should.

And all yank back. Let me just say, okay? Okay. And I'm walking around. How much do you think I'm paying attention to my kids? Listen, I think the better you feel about yourself, the better you are as a parent. Thank you. That was like that would have crushed on Oprah.

Oh, she's clapping too. You clapping for mommy? Because I'm right. You clapping for mommy? Yay. Our instinct is to take the microphone. This is definitely your child. Oh, she's a ham.

She's a ham. But no, I think that's, it's fine. I mean, obviously, if you're putting on, oh, did I, I didn't stop the recorder, did I? Uh, no. Obviously, if you are choosing to like, you know, do your makeup or whatever. Could you please talk to the mic? I'm watching her.

Okay. Hi. Hi. Um, if you're like, you know, I would play with my child for five more minutes, but I have to do my, I don't know. I don't like to judge people. But I think it's cool that you can like have yourself together and look amazing and still go out with the kid and like do your thing. think that's great. Do you realize that if I didn't judge people, we'd both be homeless? That's all I do.

What are you talking about? I told him how I passed out in Black Panther and I thought I was in a helicopter crash. You did pass out, but to be fair, you started boozing before we went. I had one glass. It was a big glass. It's a big boy glass. Oh, you were big boy? You got your big boy glass. Yeah. I could have a little shippy before. the movie. Oh, it was a whole poor. Yeah, anyway, you had a big, uh, you had a big, uh, you had a big glass and then, you know, we did the other thing. So I'll tell you right now. No, on that thing, I was,

pretty faded. No, I wasn't even buzzed off of that. You were, walking down the street, you were that was so faded. That was because you had that psycho weed. I always forget to just take a hit and a half. I don't have psycho weed. Well, my, I'm not a weed. Yeah, I am. I am, and I went in there and all of a sudden, this is my brother. And I was just tripping. Yeah. And then I passed out and that that spaceship or something crashed, did you feel when I jumped? Too bad you passed out because it was a really good movie. I thought it was a great. What you saw.

When I saw it, I really enjoyed the acting was great. I like the evil brother. I'm going to see it. The evil brother and the evil white dude were great. So I like the evil brother too, actually. I feel like I don't want to spoil it for those who have seen it. Yeah, let's stop talking about it. All right.

I guess it only just came out. But I'm going to go see it again tomorrow. In 4DX. Have you ever heard of this? What are they going to do? It's like a universal ride where the seats move and maybe they miss. Spray it with a garden hose. Yeah, I don't really feel like it's necessary for all that.

So I'm glad we saw the regular. Look at this child. I'm glad we saw the regular version so I could really concentrate on the story. Okay. So what are they going to do? They're going to like throw stuff at you? I have no. idea. We'll see.

It's like Gallagher meets going to the movies. God, I hope not. Gallagher's got great material, though. Nobody understood that. I'm telling you that, that Sledgeomatic was ironic. He was making fun of advertising, and then everybody took it at face value. Like, I hope he tastes a big thing of cottage cheese, and I get in the face with it. Yeah. They didn't get it.

What's this? What are you giving me? Anyways. Thank you. Let me do, I've got to read a little bit of the advertising. All right, well, we came in to say... Oh, to say good night. Yeah, to say good night. Sleep tight.

In pleasant dreams to you. There's a wish and a prayer. What song was that? What was the end of the Lawrence Welch show? Come true and out to be... It's how white a guy I am near that. You married. Adios.

Or avo. Avidozain. Good night. And then they'd come in with the... What's that? The end of the Lawrence Welk show. Is he the guy that Fred Armisen kind of... That was basically our soul train.

Black people stole Soul Train from... That was your soul train? Lawrence Walk, yeah. And now, Bobby and Susie, we're gonna... Your nap time. Hey, oh, because it was boring. Is that the, um, sorry. Uh, is that the guy that Fred Armisen would make fun of, like, do imitation of on, um, on SNL?

And then, like, Kristen Whig would come out as the, like, weird woman with, like, the little hands? It might, no. There was nobody with little hands on Lawrence Walker. No, I know, but I'm just saying, I don't know. I don't know what Lawrence Welk is. That definitely sounds like some white shit. Cool. Whoa. Whoa.

You're all excited you're walking around? Yeah. Yeah. What's so funny? She just cracks up to herself, like all day long. I know. I want to be like, what do you think? What is out of place in the universe that it just struck you as funny?

Remember when she was like super, super little? She'd just be crawling along and then she just stopped and just go, like she just has her own little secret thing going on. She's got it. She has an imagination. All right, let me, I got to read some advertising. Wait, wait, no, no, no, no. She's going to touch the mixer.

Okay. Hey, beautiful. Can you say bye-bye? I'll see you. I won't see anymore because I can go. I know. Kiss. Yeah.

Yeah. Thank you, honey. Can you say bye-bye? Bye-bye. And a kiss for all the listeners. All right. Bye-bye. Oh, I have to sing the Miundi song and she can't be in here for this.

Okay. Hi. Daddy is an idiot. He makes money saying filthy things. Let's go. All right. All right. See you later.

Bye. Bye. Bye. All right, come on. These people are getting bored, Neil. They're getting bored. Hey, hey, hey, hey. Oh, that's your new thing, the scowl.

Somebody tells you not to do something. You start looking at me, like, what kind of authority do you have? She looks at you. I know. The only time anybody says my daughter looks like me is when she's in a bad mood and she gives somebody a look. Oh, she does look like Bill. No. Yeah.

Okay, bye-bye. Bye. All right. Okay, there we go. Oh, look who it is, everybody. You know what? Now I feel bad that I made fun of figure skaters. because I remember seeing this African-American woman,

and she was out there killing it, doing backflips and shit, and they couldn't deal with how fucking strong she was. And they're like, that's not what a woman looks like. So I felt bad for her. I guess I just don't feel bad for Tanya Hardy. You know what I mean? And I don't buy that she didn't know it. You know what I mean?

If somebody's going to go out of their way, one of those guys was going to go out of their way to smash somebody's knee so you would win, they're going to let you know because they're obviously trying to fuck you, right? That would have been my argument if I was a prosecution. What kind of guy goes out and breaks the knee of another woman for another woman without telling her? I mean, he's a guy, all right? He's a heterosexual guy. I mean, it's somewhere there has to be a blowjob at the end of the rainbow or he's not getting out of bed in the morning.

No further questions. All right, gun control everybody. Oh, jays. I stepped into it with this one. I'm trying to see if we can just, somebody can just explain to me. I'm open-minded about it because I don't know shit about guns. Why you need an AR-15 to fucking defend your house? Do people break into your house in packs of 40?

That's all I'm asking. Or is it better in a tight spot? My big thing with any gun is how loud is it? You know? How loud is it? Because I don't know if my ears are already fucked up. You know what I mean? I can't even use a cap gun.

I think I'm going to go with just like bear mace you know all right gun control I love it you spray mace and then the guy's still coming at you and then you got to run through the cloud that you just fucking sprayed now you both fucking can't see shit all right gun control here we go billy red balls of fire a huge fan and love your work much respect and enjoy your success thank you thank you thank you I'm a lifetime NRA member

and I believe in the second amendment oh je Jesus fucking Christ, we get it. I'm a Metallica fan and I like to rock. Can we not be so fucking redundant? Jesus fucking Christ, but being that it is an amendment, we could change it to correct it for today's everyday events and happenings. All right, these school shootings could be narrowed down if we would do away with assault rifles. Now, I know there's a lot of gun people right now going, this isn't a real gun person.

This is somebody, some liberal fucking hippie. He glued a bear to his face. He ran at a bass boat and then he centered this in, trying to act like he speaks for me. He does not. All right, these school shootings could be narrowed down if we would do away with assault rifles. Yes, there would still be violence in schools, but a 20 or 12-gauge shotgun is a lot harder to hide than a 9-millimeter Glock.

I also have a good idea. Right now, you can go to a bass pro shop, Walmart, and half a dozen other stores to buy ammo. Since here in New York, we have to register our guns annually. We could also make a state-run ammo-only store. State-run, okay, a state-run ammo-only store, kind of like Canada's beer, liquor store. Buy your guns, wherever. Register them with the state annually and buy your ammo through the state.

That way, any large or odd ammo purchases would be tracked. Along with your background check, it's really the best idea. I can come up with. As always, hello to the lovely Nia, and thank you for putting up with his ginger ass. And Bill, go fuck yourself. That's hilarious. All right. So there's some ideas. There's some ideas. All right. Is, okay, mass shooting proposals. Hey there, williest of bills. Here's my proposal to reduce mass shootings. Get communities to come together. It seems like a simple idea, but here's my logic. How many people interact with or even know their neighbors?

My parents divorced when I was four years old, and during my alternating custody, I noticed a few major differences in their individual happiness. And one of the minor details, period, was my mother always made it a point to say hi to her neighbors and hand out cards on the holidays, where my father avoided neighbors at all costs. That sounds like me. and also was talking shit and saying negative things. Also sounds like me. As an adult, I don't dole out gifts,

but I do make it a point to say hi and shoot the shit with all my neighbors. I believe if communities regularly interacted or even held monthly or seasonal events like block parties, they could build a trust and dependence for each other. And if you notice a neighbor kid acting shady, it could be noted and the kid could get the help they needed without feeling disconnected and abandoned. As I said, it's a simple solution as much as I'm a simple man. May one or more gods or fewer bless you and your family and go fuck yourself. P.S. I was raised around people of the LDS faith Mormons, and I see these interactions between them regularly. Anecdotal evidence or not, it's an idea. All right?

Okay. Gun response. I just want to hear what people have to say. I usually comment on this shit. I haven't really, because I don't know shit about this. I guess that's what it is. No one has been able to tell me why you need. Yeah, I just wish a gun owner would be fucking honest when it comes to assault rifles. Why do you want an assault? What do you need an assault rifle for? And it's like, I don't need one. It's just fucking awesome to just go down on the gun range and go,

yeah, that, that, that, that, right? And just fucking have a good time with it. It's like, who needs a fucking Ferrari? Nobody. Right? Nobody needs a fucking Ferrari. All you need is a goddamn, you need a, fucking Prius to get to work. But who doesn't.

want a Ferrari. They're awesome. But in the wrong hands. All right. Gun response. Billy banned bullets. I never said to ban bullets. Love the podcast. Like that you're a very humble guy. I'm completely full of myself, sir. Doing stand-up at night is not enough. I have to still have a microphone on my hands, even in my house. Okay. I love, I grew up in South Alabama, and I'm just getting out of the Marine Corps officer training. Stereotypically, I'm a conservative with a moderate knowledge of guns. So to answer your question, the Second Amendment is to protect yourself and others from tyranny. Exactly.

That's why with that other guy saying that only the state should give out the bullets. That I didn't like because I don't trust, not like I don't touch the government, man. Just the way that it's set up right now. It's just, I don't know. It's just, it's not a good thing if only the people who are in control have the weapons. Yeah, I just don't think that, you know, we already see what it's like if only the people in control own basically all the major news sources. You see what it's done to this fucking country if you're fucking paying attention. How few things you can talk about, which is why everybody is sitting around talking and calling everybody heroes and this and that and fucking this person's brave and this person's a bad person and blah, blah, blah, blah.

It's like they turn us all into like we all went back to school like we're sitting on a fucking playground. and we have major goddamn problems that nobody's talking about. You know, I'm off my high horse. Okay. Stereotypically, I'm concerned. Seems far-fetched, but look up deaths from government tyranny in the last century. Semi-automatic rifles like the Armulite 15, I guess that's the AR-15, aka the AR-15, yep, are the minimum-needed firepower for a guerrilla militia to fight

organized militaries. AR-15 is not a military-grade weapon or assault rifle by official standards. The main reason being effective firing range, pistols are almost as effective at close range. So a ban on ARs won't do much, if anything, for most of these horrible events and will eliminate purpose of Second Amendment. Well, I mean, oh, now, wait a minute, dude. Wait a minute. how much how fast you can shoot and how many people you can fucking hit i mean if you walk into a

crowded area how good a shot do you have to be um i just wish one of these gun people would just be listen i don't want him to ban an ar 15 because i'm not fucking crazy and i enjoy shooting the fucking woods up with this thing it's fun um i just there has to be a a way it just can't be that fucking easy for a fucking lunatic to get their hands out. Because the bottom line is, there's nothing wrong with guns as long as you're not a fucking lunatic.

But the problem is, is it's obviously too easy as a lunatic to get one. Does that make sense? To gun people, non-gun? I mean, guns are fucking great. Like, I can guarantee,

I have a baseball bat under my bed and I can guarantee fucking T. If anybody came in my house, what's the one fucking thing I would wish that I had? I wish I had a fucking gun. You know, My wife doesn't like him. She's afraid of them, which I get.

Now we got a kid, so I'm not, you know, I'm not going to fucking do that. You know, I also don't think, you know, if you get, you know, everybody turning their fucking guns. The only people are going to do that are honest people. What are bad people going to be like, well, I guess we've got to turn in our fucking guns. I just, there has to be some sort of, I don't know,

how to fuck do you figure out who's fucking nuts or not? That's the problem. Anyway, subsequently, almost all gun deaths are from pistols. Solution, increase the age of legal purchase to 21 for anything except pump action shotguns and black powdered rifles. Pistols, you already have to be 21. Okay, also armed security at schools, not a cure all but better than nothing. Yeah, why don't they have armed people at schools, you know? I wouldn't have a problem with that.

By the way, founding fathers had a concept of machine guns and certainly of semi-automatic. They weren't using microaggressions. Yacali lib. What do you mean they had a concept? I have a concept of a flying fucking car. Do I know what that's going to do to the world? Hope all that clarifies a point of view without being too in depth. Thanks for questioning your stance on the issue.

What was their concept? And how do you know they had a concept? Did new evidence show that they had this? What did they have beyond what that first one they came up with? It had to be like pushed by nine people. And then you had your little crank. Digit, dig, dig, dig, dig, jit, jit, jit, jit, jit, you know. Then the guy who came up with the machine gun, he wanted to do that to lower deaths.

I heard some other bullshit I heard. Like he was just like, well, this thing can shoot as much as an entire. entire platoon. So you won't have to have a platoon. Then you can have less people in the army because this person is going to be shooting just as much. And then all the sickos at the top were like, that we will have a platoon of platoons with all machine guns.

And it just keeps, that's war. That's a completely different fucking thing. I'm going to go out on a limb and I don't think the founding fathers had a concept of what the fuck, of the level of population. I mean, there's just so much was fucking different back then. that they had the concept of an AR-15 and a fucking food court in the 1700s. You know, maybe they did.

I mean, they were pretty, you know, I don't know, flying kites with keys on them. I guess that makes you a smart guy. I don't know. All right. All right, gun. Yeah, but I like this because nobody's telling me to go fuck myself or anything like that. You notice people when you just sort of ask what you think and people will then act civilized. As opposed to all you idiots on fucking, I shouldn't say it.

I suppose you all of you, individuals who all have a right to your opinion, the way you guys address each other on social media is, you know, I don't know. It's just the quickest way to having a vein popping out of your forehead. All right, gun, ESPN, Billy Musket mug. I don't know what that means. It's funny. You're right about the media turning the shootings into ESPN for killers. The number they keep throwing around is 18 this year.

They're counting suicides, a time where a gun went off in a car. another was a kid who pulled a police officer's triggering class. Here's an article about it. No, I was saying that in the mass shootings, the way they say like, this is the deadliest, this is the third deadliest, this is the most blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And then they splatter the person's face all over the fucking news. And I just don't think that they should show the person. They should die anonymously.

And that's it. I would even like not even cover the fucking story. I mean, the people that need to know, no. People that lost people or had people affected by it. And I don't know. To go beyond that, then what am I sitting there watching it for? So I can watch people cry and see people with the worst day of their fucking life. Why do I need to know that that happened?

Okay. Law enforcement is going to get the person. They're going to fucking prosecute them and all of that type of shit. Why do I need to know that that is going on? I can't defend myself against it. I'm not going to go do it. Right. However, if you're some sicko and you're watching that shit,

you know, I think sickos watch those stories the way, you know, I used to watch rock bands and it made me want to play drums. All right. Non-Americans view on guns. I'm of the opinion that the occasional mass killing in the U.S. is the price you pay for your government not turning into. Hitler's Germany or Stalin's Russia. It might be the only thing keeping your government from going full retard.

My country, New Zealand, might be protected in turn by the stability of the USA. The next guy must be way smarter than I am. I don't know what the fuck any of that means. I'm in the opinion that the occasional mass killings is the USA, in the USA, is the price you pay for your government, not turning into Hitler's Germany or Stalin's Russia. So because we're allowed to be freer than them, the price we pay is that. Is that what you're saying? And it might be the only thing keeping your government from going full retard.

Which if you look at the economics of the war that we're fighting, it has. Because I don't know how we keep doing this. Or why we're throwing this much money at, you know, I don't know. You know why the fuck we're doing it. everybody does. All right, lifting weights. Hey, Bill, I'm a long-time fan of the podcast. Just wanted to respond to your comment about not lifting weights. While it's great that you recognize the negatives of lifting weights as a primary routine, I would not count out curling a few dumbbells every now and then. There's been a lot of research about the cardiovascular benefits to basic

weight lifting. I suggest lower weight high reps at least once a week. Thank you. I 100% agree with that. All right, but the problem is, is I came up in the 80s. So it's all about dude, what are you benching? And how I got hurt was one time in my life, I was able to put up 225, which is 2.45s on both sides. I finally felt like a big boy in the gym. So like an asshole, whenever I first hurt myself, which I think I was 48. You know, a year ago this past October,

so that would be in October 2016. I had a fucking gym put in. I was all excited. And I fucking, the first day, fucked up my shoulder. And I'd never done it before. So I just tried to push through it. And I kept lifting. And now it's just completely, it's completely fucked up.

And every time I think I'm getting towards the end of it, like I have, you know, I now have the strength back where I can like, you know, pick up shit and everything. But my mobility is really fucked up. So I haven't been to the physical therapy in a minute. I got to get back to that. I just got a little busy here. But I agree with that. 100%.

Use it or lose it, but, you know, don't try to fucking lift what you lifted when you were 20. All right. My wife is nuts. Hey, guys, keep sending shit in about the gun control stuff because I think it's really interesting as far as like, you know, to just hear people's opinions and where they're from and why they view stuff the way they do without fucking screaming at each other. And hopefully, you know, I don't know. I just can somebody weigh in how? okay, whether you're pro-gun or not pro-gun. All right.

How, you know, because psychos do a lot of shit. Psychos getting cars and they drive into fucking people and all of that shit. You know what I mean? They don't try to fucking take cars away from everybody. I know that's overly simplifying it. But, you know, I think it's, I don't know. I just don't, even though I'm not into guns, I just don't look at them like they're These fucking, like they're alive and they have the devil in them.

I do find them scary. You know, I have gone to gun ranges and I shoot and it's fun. Once you kind of, it's like anything. I first started flying a helicopter. I was like, is this thing going to chop my fucking head off? And then once you get into the physics and how the whole thing works, it becomes absolutely fascinating. So, you know, I think those people go skeet shooting. I think that's the shit.

And I think people that hunt is, it's fucking amazing that they know how to do. do that, build a fire and survive outside. It's probably an important thing that you need to know how to do. I respect all of that shit. It's just how to, so, and those people should be allowed to continue doing that. I just wish there was a fucking way that you could figure out when somebody came up to be like, hey, maybe that's, there's something good for Alexa. Because everybody bugs their house, right?

Maybe one of those fucking lunatics will be muttering to themselves. You know, God knows I have a little camera in there. see the person fucking bringing all this fucking ammo. Even that, just even if you limited the amount of ammunition, the amount of fucking damage that you can do. I would think just buying a box of bullets. It's fucking nuts. I didn't like talking about it.

It's so fucking creepy. All right. Wife is nuts. But I appreciate everybody calmly discussing this. And I respect all of your opinions. All right. Wife is nuts. Bill, longtime listener of the podcast.

Dude, can you shed a light on why my wife is unable to have. a real conversation about anything tangible. Politics, current events, music, sports, etc. I swear she has no interest outside of her work and trashy TV. Teen mom, TLC shows, etc. It's kind of sad. She used to be so interesting, but now that she's a mom, she's a bore. Well, she's tired, man.

Life is just not fun to her. I love being a father, but I just sense she can't handle the life. of her life. What gives? She's a fantastic mother to her son, but is mailing it in as a wife. All right, I'm not going to lie to you. I've run into these kinds of problems, all right?

You know, shit changes obviously when you have a kid, but with a woman, like, I don't even know what the fuck's going. They have like thunder and lightning going on in between their fucking ears, like all hormones and all this crap. And if they get a C-section, they got to recover from major abdominal surgery.

They're going through a lot of stuff. Plus, you know, their body literally changes. They put on weight and shit. And it's like so easy to fall into a depression, get overwhelmed and all of that type of shit. So I would say, you know, you're doing the guy thing where you just bare bones talking about it going she unable to have a real conversation about anything tangible. I can tell you why my wife watches trashy TV. She sometimes just doesn't want to think. Okay.

And, you know, the level of worry that they have. you know, but what's going to happen to the kid? Am I doing a good job and all that type of shit? What you need to do, you need to have a date night. Once a week, once every two weeks, get a sitter and go out and kind of get that going again. All right. And I think your wife will enjoy it. You guys will enjoy each other's company.

You got to have, you know, most of your life is going to be about the kid, but you've got to have that one little thing, right? That's what I would do. And all the shit that you said to me, I would not say to her. So, anyways, that is the, that is a pocket. Oh, did anybody see when the Bruins played the Calgary Flames at home, and they had the reunion of the 1977, 77, 78, Boston Bruins that set a record, even though they lost back-to-back years to the Canadians of the finals, fucking heartbreaking losses.

But that team had like the most 20 or more goal scores on it. of these guys I hadn't seen. Right when I started watching hockey, these guys were the Bruins. It was Wayne Cashman, Terry O'Reilly, Stan Jonathan, Peter McNabb, Jean Mattel, Jean Rattel. He was gone by the time I started watching.

John Wensink was gone. But I'm just talking about the 20 goal scores here. Rick Middleton, he was one of my favorites. they did this great thing where they had they just brought him back and they were showing all the highlights and they had Don Cherry come out. He was the coach at the time.

And it was so fucking great to see those guys. And he did all these interviews and laugh and they're all fucking hockey plays of the shit. It was just for the most part, just humble and that type of thing. And they were laughing like Stan Jonathan. Hey, you were known as a tough customer. It's like one of the toughest fucking guys that ever played.

And he's like, hey, you know, I had a couple of scraps or whatever, just, yeah, whatever. It doesn't need to prove anything. And I actually only watched the first period, and we played horrible defense in that game. I hope we fucking ended up winning that. But I'm trying to hang in there with the Bruins and the Celtics. I know I haven't been talking about it much this year, but my kid became mobile. So I spent most of my life running around after her.

And when she goes to sleep, I sleep. You know what I mean? It's like that ludicrous song, right? when you move When I move you move That's the other way When she sleeps you sleep Just like that

When you sleep Whatever the fucking song is That's what I always sing When I put her down When you sleep I sleep just like that And she goes He he he ha ha

And she fucking laughs And falls asleep And then I shut my eyes Which feels like five seconds Then I have to wake back up again Which is probably why I fell asleep During the phenomenal Black Panther

Go out Check it out Really enjoyed that movie Even though I fell asleep And thought I was in a helicopter to crash. All right, that's it. And my apology to figure skaters, you know what I mean?

Why do you have to be skating around all fucking emaciated? You know what I think? I think it's about time. They got some fickies out there. All right? God knows, maybe they can do some new tricks. Okay, that's it. That's the podcast.

I'm off to New York. And I'm going to do that benefit. Looking forward to seeing Bobby Kelly, Rich Voss, Joe de Rosa, all the people out there. Shout out to Colin Quinn. I know he's doing better and all that stuff. He's been just about every Patrice O'Neill benefit,

Salt of the Earth guy. So giving him a shout out. So hopefully he'll be up and around. I can run too many of you and try and break his balls. All right, that's the podcast. I'll fuck yourselves or check in to you on Thursday. Jesus.