Monday Morning Podcast - Playoffs, Detaining Drunks, Ice Baths | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 5-22-25

Episode Date: May 22, 2025

Bill rambles about NBA playoffs, detaining drunks, and ice baths. (00:00) - Thursday Afternoon Podcast (31:15) - Thursday Afternoon Throwback 5-22-17 - Bill rambles about Saskatchewan, New York City, and the Celtics vs the Cavs. Thursday Afternoon Interlude:  Soundgarden - Pretty Noose Cornbread Hemp: Save 30% off their first order and enjoy free shipping on orders over $75 at www.cornbreadhemp.com/BURR and use code BURR at checkout.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Thursday afternoon just before Friday Monday Morning Podcast and I'm checking in on you. What's going on? Oh, my God. Week 12, week 12 of Glenn Gary, Glenn Ross, week 12 of 16. And this is the this is the big week. We have an extra show, an extra show, Friday matinee, because we have Monday off. I have my first two-day weekend since like February. Looking forward to it. Had a bunch of friends come out this week. Came out to see the show, which was fun. And yeah, the dark days of May are almost over

and then June my family comes out and we ride out the rest of the play and it will be fantastic. So Billy, Billy boy is seeing the light man. Fucking seeing the light. I'm slowly going crazy. I'm sitting in this apartment by myself. I'm trying to finish this car model. I have to finish this thing. I keep getting frustrated and I get depressed. I'm looking at it. I'm painting all the fucking parts. And then I painted them before I put them on so then it wouldn't. And then some of the paint got into the holes that you're supposed to glue it into. And I've never been able to finish one of these because of my fucking ADD.

And it just haunts me. It's just sitting here waiting to be assembled. So I got most of the engine together. And then it's the undercarriage. And then once I get past that, and then I just slapped the whole body together and the decals, it's right there. The body is painted.

Everything is fine. Yada, yada, yada. And that's where I'm at. Oh, and by the way, oh my god, the shit I am still getting from Knicks fans. Fucking hilarious. Fucking walking around like they won a goddamn championship. And so what if you do? What if you win a championship? What do you have as many as the Miami Heat? Shut the fuck up. And I never do this shit. I never, I don't want to fucking be this guy

that fucking talks about, you know, but Jesus Christ, you have a little perspective. New Yorkers have like no perspective, fucking. They're all bravado until you hit them with facts and then they just start fucking laughing. All of this, this is New York, this is what we do. It's not what you do. You lose every fucking year. Stop with this. This is what we do. This is what you do. You talk

shit even when you don't do something. So anyway, all I do is I just think about verzi. I like verzi. I would like the Knicks to win for him. but all these other fucking... All these other fucking posers. Jesus, you're a Knicks fan. You went to a Broadway show, you had a fucking basketball game. What the fuck are you doing? A playoff game. You went to a Broadway show... Wearing a brand-new Knicks hat, and you missed the fucking game...

...'cause you went to go see cats with F bombs? All right, that might be a little exaggeration of what you saw. But you saw Les Mis if they called each other cunts. Anyway. So last night they were all talking shit. Oh, yeah, we're up. We're doing Nick's looking good, Burr. Nick's looking good.

Like, I give a fuck. I'm just like, I hope it works out for you. And it was all of this yap, yap, yap. And then all of a sudden the city just got quiet. You could feel it. And where the fuck was I? I was out to dinner with my friends and they looked up the score they said the Knicks lost in overtime.

I will say this, though, to true Nick fans, the ones who didn't immediately become Brooklyn net fans Um and start standing there going Brooklyn we go hard or whatever the hell they say at their their arena As they catch t-shirts um The true nick fans like I was talking to verzi verzi was like he goes. I'm literally physically ill Like I was talking to Verzi, Verzi was like, he goes, I am literally physically ill after that loss last night. And I just laughed. I was like, dude, I don't know how you do it.

I don't know. Like, how do you still do it at your age? Like I just like last year when the Celtics were making their run, I watched them up into the finals. And I just saw that fucking guy on the Mavericks, that European guy. And I'm just like, I, I, I'm not doing this to myself. My kids are gonna see this part of me that I don't want them to see.

And the level of hatred that I'm gonna fucking work towards that guy from Shark Tank and that dude from fucking Europe, it's just like, I am too much of a psycho before the series even starts. I've still yet to watch a second of my own team winning a fucking championship. Just to know they won it. OK, good. Good to know.

And recently, I actually yesterday I was we had two shows and I was in between shows and I went to. I don't know, I went to try to watch TV, which I don't do that much lately. I got back into reading books, thank God. And I went to watch, you know, maybe a replay of something. I couldn't find anything.

So they had this fucking show that was about stadium security. And it was this whole fucking behind the scenes of people doing security at NFL football games. And I don't know what the NFL was thinking by because they're usually pretty protective of their brand and whatever. I just watched that thing and I was just like, this is why I don't go to sports, sporting events anymore because of this shit. All of these drunk ass, dumb ass fucking fans,

like, I'll be, listen, in all fairness, my generation was pretty dumb. Listen, in all fairness, my generation was pretty dumb. All right? But we weren't like raised on screens. We did watch a ton of TV, but it wasn't like, you didn't walk around with the TV. Like you got away from the thing at some point. So, like, I feel like that the screen generation,

or maybe just because I'm older and I've had more life experience that I can't remember that I used to be that dumb. Maybe I was, I don't know, but I was just looking at some of these people. And there wasn't one smart person that security was having to deal with. There was nobody like really like rational. They were really, I don't know, it was, the whole thing ended up just being really depressing. Where you're like, this is what public schools is churning out and everybody was fat from eating our poisoned fucking food. And, you know, they're watching these fucking, looking at these apps that are designed

to get you addicted to them so you don't stop watching them, turns your brain into mush, and then they go and they drink in the parking lot, and they go there as a fucking adults, and they can't sit through four quarters of a fucking sporting event without having to be escorted out of the fucking stadium. And some of these people, they were like parents,

they had like fucking kids. And everybody has like this fucking bravado now, you know? Like I'm not the one, I'm not the one to be fucked with, you don't want this fucking smoke, I don not the one, I'm not the one to be fucked with. You don't want this fucking smoke. I don't give a fuck. Like, it's like, well, maybe you should. Maybe you should give a fuck. Like, you better give a fuck

because no one gives a fuck about you or whether your dream comes true. So if you're walking, if you don't even give a fuck about yourself, you're done. Jesus Christ. Everybody I saw on that show needed a fucking salad, an apple, and a book. And here's what was crazy.

The security people, they were out of shape. Not all of them, but enough of them. They were out of shape. Not all of them, but enough of them. Like it was just a bunch of obese people, like mildly obese people detaining drunk obese people. It was like my 600 pound life meets intervention. Profoundly depressing fucking show to watch. I remember back in the day when you used to watch Cops, like, the criminals weren't that dumb.

Like, it's like a noticeable level of dumb. There were some idiots on on cops, you know, or the first 48, but cheap, maybe because they were drunk. I don't know what else, we were pretty fucking stupid when I think about it. I don't know, was not the show to watch. So anyway, you wouldn't notice, you know, I like teasing asshole Nick fans,

but I'm actually rooting for the Knicks and I've actually always liked them. Bernard King, Michael Ray Richardson. I think he played for them. Was he the Nets? Mainly with the Nets. Bernard King, I loved him. I loved Patrick Ewan when he was with Georgetown.

I loved the Patrick Riley Knicks. I loved the Trel Spreewell. What was that kid? Lou, the Asian kid, that magical couple of months. And then for whatever reason, they got rid of him. They got rid of him. He was amazing. A lot of their free agent signings haven't like really like panned out for a while.

When you went into the, um, Isaiah Thomas years. Those weren't good years, but, uh, to say the least. But I've always liked the Knicks and I always liked their colors. Um, but my god. But my God, my God, is their fan base fucking obnoxious. Fucking obnoxious. There's just been too many songs written about this city and people just have this inflated sense of self just because they're there. Or maybe I've just been in Times Square for the last couple of fucking months and just

watching the incredibly overlit nothing that Times Square, there's nothing there. There's literally nothing there. It's souvenir stores and fucking Bubba Gump shrimp and everybody's taking pictures. New York. That's what's funny is no New Yorker that knows New York, Times Square, you avoid it. So if you go to New York, you gotta go there and get your touristy picture, but like Lower East Side, Soho,

from what I heard Brooklyn, I don't know much about it. Out in the Queens, this cool shit out there. When I was just up in the South Bronx, the little Italy up there in that Dominican area. Washington Heights is fucking cool. Harlem has some great restaurants, but you know, take your picture, but then just get out of Midtown. Get the fuck out of there.

Oh my God. Can we do this now in the podcast wherever you live? Because every street, what's that stupid street in Nashville that nobody in Nashville goes to? And it's always a bunch of fucking drunk cows on a fucking beer truck celebrating some fucking fat chick that's getting pregnant going down the street fucking twerking to that with plus size Davey Daisy Dukes on. Oh my God.

There's something delusional when that movie Coyote Ugly came out, the amount of fucking chicks that focused on the ugly and felt that that was an excuse to get up on a bar, oh my God, the amount of fours that were just getting up there, you know, looking like they were about ready to fucking break a hole open in the fucking offensive line for the running back. They had like full back bodies just up there, you know, off season full back bodies.

That is kind of, I'm trying to think of the male version, like the female version of wanting to be drunk dancing on a bar. What is the male version of that? Is that that dumb game where you you punch the speed bag and you let the thing tell you, you know, what your punching force was? I don't know. It really is amazing, though, how these billionaires

have just worked this whole system and they're just designing it to keep us all stupid and it's fucking working because all of these people are not that dumb. All of those people that were getting pulled out of those stadiums, they're not that dumb. All of those fat chicks on the bar shouldn't be that fucking fat. We should have good food. We should have good education. Good education. You have a great education, right? And these fucking assholes just take it all over. There's plenty of money, plenty of food,

plenty of jobs, plenty of places to live. But like fucking 200 nerds at the top wanna take it all for themselves. And they're not even tough, they're fucking nerds. Elon Musk is stealing your sandwich. He would never just walk up to you face to face and steal your sandwich. Ah, Jesus, they do it with politicians.

They do it through the court system. Oh God, I'm on one here. I gotta watch whatever fucking reality shows I've been watching lately. Anyway, I was down in Soho today and I went by the Ducati store because I wanna buy that airbag shit that you can wear underneath your jacket

when you ride a motorcycle. And I'm trying to determine which is the best one. I've gone to a couple of places out here. So if anybody has any knowledge on that, that would be fantastic. But like I am jonesing so bad to ride a motorcycle in the middle of fucking nowhere. You know, I'm getting, I'm getting excited

about getting back to my family and seeing everybody. Oh, I'll tell you the fucking coolest thing ever is one of my, one of the cast members, you know, as an opening night gift, you know, we talked about how we liked wrestling, so he got me the ultimate warrior, like, action figure. You know, we just got each other, like, joke gifts, right? So, I saw it, and my son's birthday's coming up,

so I'm like, oh, my God, like, this is, like, perfect for him. He would love it. So I showed it and my son's birthday's coming up. So I'm like, oh my God, like this is like perfect for him. He would love it. So I showed it to him yesterday. I was like, I got you surprised. He goes, I want to see it. I'm like, well, you know, it's not a surprise but I'll show you. He goes, come on, I want to see it.

So I showed it to him and he just broke out in the biggest cutest smile. Like he thought it was the coolest thing ever. And he kept calling it the Hulk. And I'm going, no, it's the ultimate warrior. It's the ultimate warrior. So I'm teaching him that. And today I was FaceTiming him before school, him and my lovely daughter. And he said he wanted to see it again. And I focused in on it. He put his face all the way up to the screen. He just goes, Oh, like that. Oh, it was it melted my fucking heart. So I can't wait until his birthday. So I'm just gonna ship it right. I'm

shipping it out. I got him a card or whatever, I'm going to send it right to him. And my daughter loves Pokemon cards. So I'm sending her some of those things because what else am I gonna do, right? But he's like totally into it. Then I'm like, Oh my god, is he gonna get into wrestling? This would be amazing. Because after this plays done, I got my little run overseas and then I'm not doing shit. Other than I have like 30 days, a 30 day acting gig.

And other than that, I got nothing for the rest of the year. So I got to make up for all this time that I was away. And that's what I'm planning on doing. In the meantime, I got to get caught up on the fucking, the NHL and the NBA playoffs. I just had friends in town the last couple of nights, so I've been going out to dinner and shit.

So, um... Oh, did I... I did talk about how the Patrice O'Neil thing went fantastic, and I think there's a MotoGP race this weekend. Other than that, I don't know... I don't know what's going on. Did not go to the big gay gym. Today. Today was a fuck. Hang on a second. Sorry. Had hit pause. I was filling the tub up. Epsom salt bath for the old man. That's what's going on after this fucking podcast foam roller

yoga mat, fucking working this shit out and then sitting in a fucking Epson salt bath. And I don't want to hear all you fucking pops, I call take a fucking ice bath and fucking potato did. All right, all right. All right. But whatever happened to the ice bath, whatever happened to it. Everyone was talking about the ice bath, the ice bath this, the ice bath that, nobody sticks with anything. I feel like people that were doing the ice bath before people were doing the ice bath are still doing it and most everybody else just kind of stopped doing it.

I was taking one for a while. I didn't feel any benefits from it other than I just got used to sitting in really cold water and I learned that you just got to go in and then sit still and your body within like 20 seconds is used to it and as long as you don't move you're fine but if you start moving around you feel like the coldness of it. I did anyway but it's not like I got out going like, wow, I am invigorated. However, if I take a cold shower, that makes me feel amazing. But sit just sitting there in like, ice cold water. I mean, it's like, all right, I guess this is good for inflammation. But like, so is like ginger and turmeric. You

know, I could just have a big cup of that. You know? They make it into like a tea or something. I could just be drinking that with my mittens on. Ha ha ha ha. Holding the cup with both hands. Oh my God, this is so good. Anyway, not that I'm against the ice bath. I actually,

you know, what I enjoyed the most about that was being able to do it and blocking out the fact that I didn't want to do it. I don't know why. That's what I enjoyed most about it. But when I got out, I was just like, yeah, man, I mean, that was fucking cold. It wasn't like, wow, my knee feels way better. Everything feels better. You're fucking numb. I would think that what you'd want to do after that

was then get into hot water. So then your veins open up again and you flush out the toxins. And then if you're drinking a bunch of water, you eliminate it from you. That's what I remember, you know, my masseuse would like work on my calves that were all glued up and she would have me put ice on them.

And then I would, I would, after that, I would take a hot shower, put hot water on them. And then they would be like 80% less sore than they would have been. I don't know. This is what happens when someone with no medical background just starts talking and there's no one on the podcast to say, Hey man, why don't you shut up? Why don't you shut up? shot up. So anyway, I'm also excited to get back into doing stand up. Even though I won't be doing the road that much. I

have all this stuff that I want to, you know, work on for my my new hour that I got. And I don't know. It's just this is just a weird. It's a really weird how much the pendulum has swung back. From the these them those, I'm going to cancel you. You know, remember those years and now it's totally overcorrected to the right where you now have to listen to the put upon white guy. You know, who somehow feels oppressed. I mean, it's just like, what?

You know what I mean? Like you hear people, you know, I'm a white guy, so they're not gonna hire me. What the fuck are you talking about? Yeah, that whole DEI, what the fuck? You know, now I can't get a judge. Like, dude, if DEI affects you as a white person, you are on the lowest fucking,

you are the first, like, you are the most expendable white. That's all you have to be to beat out that shit. Affirmative action, all you have to be as a white person is not to be the most expendable white person. So you have to beat out and be as a white person is not to be the most expendable white person. So why don't you step up your game a little bit, cross you some T's and dot some I's on your fucking resume, you should be good.

Oh, bunch of fucking babies. That is, I gotta tell you, the way my people behave sometimes, while calling everybody else snowflakes, any fucking thing that is anything remotely not about white dudes, like they just start fucking pissing their panties, cannot fucking handle it. It's fucking unbelievable. It's fucking, it's, it's embarrassing. You don't want to compete? And you're going to call people snowflakes at the same fucking time? Okay.

I don't want a level playing field. I love how like they don't want DEI, but they still, but they have no problem with racism. You know what I mean? It's like, isn't that like fucking white DEI? Bunch of fucking snowflakes. I also love the new thing too is when you say something really ignorant, you then you just blame the crowd going, whoa, hey, wow, must be a bunch of sensitive fucking snowflakes.

And it's like, yeah, or what you said wasn't funny or it's just ignorant and there's no point. No, hey, you know, I guess I'm too wild for this room, man. Guess you guys can't handle my suburban vibe. What's the matter? Was there too much cul-de-sac in that one? You know, like your white DMX. Anyway, very odd, very odd time.

Or is it? Or maybe that always existed? I don't know, just the ugliness that has just fucking bubbled up. It's like, wow, I really didn't realize there was this many overtly fucking racist people out there. Evidently, there is, and they were just waiting for a green light.

And what I love is, is I feel like the left brought it out with their fucking psycho I'm you know think how I think or I'm gonna end your fucking career bullshit So now it's swung all the way to the other side where it was swung so far left that these fucking lunatics on the right Think they're in the middle. I Don't know do you guys see it like, do you see the bubbling water coming down to just sort of a, you know, simmer again so rational people on the left and right can

kind of start running things again? Like, maybe we could start getting politicians that care about people and can make a speech regardless of the color of their tie. Could that happen? Not with all these conservative, not with all these fucking snowflakes and just starts that shit up and then billionaires are just sitting back laughing. Look at them. Look at them. They're on the same team. They don't even realize it. We did it. We're taking all of their fucking shit away from them. And we're telling them to look at people that have no money and no power and say that that's the reason why you don't have it

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All right, that is the podcast everybody. I respect all you guys. All right, and you should all respect each other and stop letting these fucking billionaires rip apart this goddamn country. Cause I'm telling you right now, they moved the labor out, they saw what sweatshop labor profits brought to them

and they're trying to divide us and they're gonna turn us into what the fuck Where their factories are that's what they're gonna do You got to remember we had sweatshop labor in this fucking country and these billionaires want nothing more than to go back to that They will have your kids working in their factories for four dollars a fucking month if they could they would and dollars a fucking month if they could they would and that's why they're constantly having you look at other things and other races and all of this shit to get you all fucking upset so you don't notice what the fuck they're

doing so I don't know we've got to bring people together stop dividing people because it's good for the rich it's it's bad for everybody else all right that's it I'm done preaching go fuck yourselves yourselves. Have a great weekend, you cunts. Enjoy the music and the bonus episode of the Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcast. Alright, bye. Pick it up and throw it away, alright I got the perfect stand, a clean love With a dirty feel, alright Fall out and take the bait Eat fruit, and kiss the snake goodnight

Covered in rags, dirty face, pretty nose, and pretty head And I don't like what you got me hanging from And I don't like what you got me hanging from I don't like what you got me hanging from Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Monday Morning Podcast for Monday, fucking, May 22nd. Is that a record for how quickly I said the F word? I'm actually doing the podcast right now, riding in a car. I'm not driving, I'm on my way to New York City

because I have to do some promotional stuff here for efforts for family that's coming out this week, right? Or next week? May 30th, I don't know what. So this begins Old Billy Redface shown his Freckled puss on anything I can get myself on You know, so whatever I'm driving to New York and you know something there's all this fucking traffic and I gotta take a

Early flight tomorrow back to LA. I don't have time and my wife just sent me this whole thing on what successful people do and they, they, they fucking, you know, they, I don't know what they do. They, they, they know how many minutes are in a day. Evidently there's 1,440 minutes in a day and they use this wisely and they delegate, right? They delegate shit. Like I don't want to do that. You know how to do that, right?

All right, I'll pay you to do that. You know how to do that, right? All right, I'll pay you to do that. You know, a small portion of what the fuck I'm making. I gotta get better at that. In order to delegate though, what you have to be is you have to be social. And, you know, that's not my thing unless I've had a couple of drinks. Other than that, I'm kind of a curmudgeon. I don't know if you've noticed, I'm a little bit grumpy. But we're fucking cruising now.

Where'd all the traffic go? Now I'm watching, this'll be like a Thursday one. I thought I was gonna get to do the whole hour. So anyways, I just got back from my tour up there in Canada, work with Nate Craig, who murdered it, if you don't believe me, ask anybody who was in Winnipeg, Saskatoon, and Regina. And first of all, I'm very proud that Nate and I did a show, two shows in Regina, and neither one of us went with the easy joke.

Nobody did the stupid, it rhymes with fun. Nobody's like, Regina, Regina, what's up with that? I thought there was going to be a giant twat here, it rhymes with fun. Nobody's like, vagina, vagina, what's up with that? I thought there was gonna be a giant twat here, sinkhole, slash thing. We kind of left it alone. And I don't know, we had a great time. Let's just back it up here, okay? We start off in Winnipeg.

I told the people of Winnipeg that I wasn't gonna tell people this, but I just think they're so off the beaten path it's fine. The cuisine in Winnipeg is fucking insane. All right, ah Jesus what's the name of that place? We actually I didn't have time to go this time. I uh ordered from this place the peasant something or other. Where's my little list of places to go? Scrolling down to Winnipeg. Yeah, I thought there was gonna be a bunch of traffic. He's just blocking me up, the driver here. All right, Peasant Kitchen.

Get the Tortierre, if you're ever there. T-O-R-T-I-E-R-E, it's French pork pie. And then we went to the Tallest Poppy for breakfast the next day and I wouldn't have known about either one of those Shout out to a Canadian by the name of Ed Robertson. You might have heard of him Plays in a band. I think he's in a garage band or something like that. You might have heard of him. I don't know I'm just fucking with you. So anyways, the food was unbelievable up there

and the shows were awesome. Played in this old theater that I forget the name of. I don't remember. It's been around since like 1900 and up top they have like the same old shitty seats they used to have back when everything was segregated, you know, and all the white people were downstairs and anybody else had to walk all the flights of stairs to go upstairs, you know, and what's the result?

What's the result? Huh? 50 years later, white people are getting their asses kicked in sports. You know why? We got no quads. We don't have any glutes. That's why our asses are so flat. We used to walk into the theater.

We were on the ground level and everybody else had to walk up. Right? That's why we get our asses kicked from the gridiron to the dojo. It's true. It all comes back to going to see Harry Houdini and not having to work for it. So we were actually there and it wasn't cold as shit like the last time. And you know, I tried out some new stuff. Everything was going great.

Went to bed the first night, didn't have a drop of booze. How about that, huh? Didn't smoke a cigar, even though there was Cuban cigars, but you know, it's Canada, so they got Cuban cigars, but there's no place to smoke them. They're very hostile against smokers. They're just maybe like overly protective. They sort of helicopter parent with smokers up there there and you're sort of, I guess, allowed to do it outside. Although I didn't think I really saw anybody smoking anywhere. So anyways, we did that

gig and the next one on the docket was we drove up to Saskatoon. I was speaking at which there was these two or three cunts at the Winnipeg show. I thought they were booing me, but they were just going, tune. I don't know why we were in Winnipeg. I guess that's short for Saskatoon. It's like Cleveland, the land up there. I guess they call it the tune or they just yell out tune.

I have no fucking idea, but we, I thought they were booing me. So, you know, I got off stage and I was just like, Jesus Christ, man, I thought that was a good show. You know? But I was like, no, no, no, they were yelling tune. I'm like, what's tune? They was for Saskatoon.

I was like, all right, we're in Winnipeg. They're like, oh yeah, sorry, sorry. That's a big thing in Canada, everybody's sorry. I're like, oh yeah, sorry, sorry. That's a big thing in Canada. Everybody's sorry. I'm like, oh sorry. Like this waitress was clearing our table and you know, plate is empty and when she goes to clear it she goes, oh sorry, sorry. It's like, you're apologizing for do. You brought food to me and now you're taking it away and you're apologizing? Do it all the time. Sorry. I'm sorry. Get the puck out.

Sorry. Um, so anyways, we did the drive up from, uh, from Wittepeg to Saskatoon, the one that everybody was saying, hey, get ready. What the hell's that sound? Ah, Jesus, that's not pleasant, is it? Um, sorry. Sorry. I picked it up. I'm going to be ridiculously pleasant on pleasant, is it? Sorry, sorry. I picked it up.

I'm gonna be ridiculously pleasant on this, you know? Fuck those cunts who yelled out tune in Winnipeg, sorry. So anyways, everyone was saying I was gonna be dreading that drive, you know, like an eight hour drive. And so we start, me and Nate start driving up and we're just hitting all these bugs and shit, but I gotta tell you, man, it was beautiful. And both loved the drive. You know, we live

in LA, we're just smashed in with a zillion other people. It's nice to get out there. What a beautiful country Canada is. Good Lord. All these, these farmhouses, all of this land, it was beautiful. And all I just kept thinking was, I would love to fly a helicopter out here. Because if you had a problem, you could land it anywhere, as opposed to when I'm in LA, I'm looking for fucking soccer fields and playgrounds and hoping there's not kids there,

if I ever had a problem. And just up there was just like, just wide open spaces. And it wasn't that bad of a drive. We did it in like seven hours. We took the one lane highway instead of the two lane highway. So we had a lot of fun like peeking around trucks and shit trying to pass them. A lot of farmers like driving these giant tractors

down the fucking street, you know? I don't know, I got a bunch of pictures of shit that I saw. Every mile there was a barn that looked like it was going to fall down and there'd be some guy who just had like a zillion fucking cars or tires or something all piled up in his yard. It was really, it was pretty interesting. I was just thinking those guys from Gas Monkey, you know, if they ever pull all the fucking cars out of barns down in the states, they could just go up to Manitoba and Saskatchewan.

They'd find, I saw a number, I saw a 65, I'm driving like 70 miles an hour too and I still saw it. So a 65 Ford Galaxy, I don't know if it was the 500, might have been, no, I think it was a 64 actually, 64. I know, I sound like the fucking it was the 500. Might have been, no, I think it was a 64 actually, 64. I know, I sound like the fucking Rain Man right now. So anyways, then we get up to fucking Saskatchewan, Saskatoon, and we only had one show that night,

so of course I went out and got absolutely fucking hammered. Hammered at this bar, a lot of tattoos. A lot of tattoos up in Saskatoon. Lot of tattoos, sorry. of tattoos up in Saskatoon. A lot of tattoos, sorry. But it was a beautiful town, it had this amazing park and which I forget the fucking name of and I got up the next day because I, from all those years I have in a paper route,

like I can only sleep for so fucking long, I just sort of naturally wake up. So even though I didn't get to bed till like two in the morning, I still woke up naturally wake up. So, you know, I didn't get to bed till like two in the morning I still woke up at like 830 and I was staying at that their fucking Red Rum hotel there It's this beautiful old hotel that looks like you could have shot the shining in there and It's right next to this long park and I just was watching To get this little mini waterfall. I watched these pelicans Trying to fish I saw some geese with some baby geese walking around.

It was crazy. Through all these years of living in New York and LA, I was just sitting there geeking out and there was some old lady standing there looking at the goose. The goose was like putting its fucking head down, looking at her and I'm thinking, that's like an aggressive posture.

So I walked away, but I was also looking, sort of laughing, like thinking that goose was gonna fuck the old lady up. And then thinking, like, what would I do? Because that would be bad. I mean, I can't walk away from the old lady, but I also don't want to slap the shit out of this goose in front of all of its children.

So sort of a tense little moment there out in nature. And fortunately, cooler heads prevailed, and everybody went their separate ways. But I don't think the old lady knew how close she came, you know? She had a big grin on her face as the thing was like ducking down low, so she's kind of ducking down like imitating it. You know, she's looking at a gorilla and she's pounding her chest. And I thought for half a second, like I was going to see some like, you know, some fucking

old lady bird MMA action, you know? But you know what? She's so fucking old lady bird MMA action, you know? But you know what, she's so fucking old, I bet she knows how to kill a goose. She probably went out in the backyard, and now you do that shit, they just walk up and they grab it by the neck, and then they do the spin move, and then they just hold onto the neck so the body spins,

and it just breaks the fucking thing's neck. She looked like she was old enough that she actually lived during those times. You know, back when you earned your meal. You know? Like you knew the name of the thing that you killed. It was like a pet. Right?

You had weird dreams and probably slipped into your fucking sexuality somehow. Hahahaha! You're like dressing up like a bird when you fuck or something like that. There's some weird thing when anytime you get abused, you know, violence, sexually, I don't know what it is, it ends up making you some weirdo in the wreck. So anyways, I ended up doing that. So I walked up and I went over that river there, whatever the fuck it is, like walking along these train tracks.

And I gotta be honest with you, I was a little nervous about that because it was this old kind of wooden bridge. And I was just thinking, every time someone would walk by me, you know, I always kind of made eye contact and like braced myself because I just was nervous that someone was just gonna grab my legs and throw me over.

I remember seeing a movie a long time ago where this guy did that. He was a psycho and he went hiking with these people and they didn't realize he was a psycho. I think he had already killed people and then he went up there and he went to like take a picture of this woman, this couple or somebody, push both of them off the fucking cliff.

And it was so eerily done. Then I went, this has to be based on a true story, because usually that's not good enough for Hollywood. There has to be some dramatic way they kill you rather than just some creepy real way. So I was walking across that and that beautiful nature and everything, and then I was just, you know, worried someone's going to just, I don't know, just grab me by my ankles and toss me right over before I realized what was going on, you know? Typical shit, had to be so busy trying to save my cell phone I wouldn't even think about myself before I went over.

I think I could have landed it though, you know? I don't think I was that high up. Um, I don't know, what does that say about me? That I'm going through nature and I'm thinking birds are gonna attack old ladies or somebody's gonna throw me off a bridge. I'm just overly conscious because I know the fucking drivers listening here. Anyways plowing ahead here. Then we did the drive down to Regina. I don't know, I don't really have any, we went to some fucking bar. Well I don't even know where the hell I was drinking. That's the same place I had lunch and I fucking went into when I was in Saskatoon.

It's right out front from the Red Rum Inn that I was staying at. And oh my God, that place was a shit show. And this is fucking hilarious. We walked into the bar and the guy goes, can I see your driver's license? I go, yeah. And then he goes to scan the thing and And I like blocked it with my hand. I go, dude, don't scan my ID. What are you gonna go?

Oh, you know, it's just for us. Blah, blah, blah. What the fuck? I mean, fuck out of here. He was scanned, Nate's though. It's just like, hey, like just the liberties that people take with your ID. I don't let go of my ID anymore.

Let me see your ID. And I just show, I hold onto it. When they go to take it, I go, just read it. I don't give people your ID. I don't let go of my ID anymore. Let me see your ID. And I just show, I hold onto it. When they go to take it, I go, just read it. I don't give people my ID. You can look at it, you can read it. You know, when I check into hotels, they always go to grab it from me and I hold onto it. And they're like, oh, sorry, sorry, can I see it?

I go, I don't want you to type any information into your, you know, oh, we just just do that so the next time you stay, no you don't. You take it and then you sell it. And then someone else gets it and then all my fucking shit's out there and next thing you know, you know, I don't know what, somebody defaults on a house and fucking Regina and the banks are coming after me. I don't know what, I just know it's not a good thing.

So we went in there, oh my God, those people were fucking partying. It was it was some sort of holiday weekend up there I don't know what it was for but Lot of tattoos a lot of tattoos a lot of sleeves Lot of fucking tattoos and I just kept drinking and drinking and drinking and I vaguely remember them bringing a hockey stick over. It was a Sherwood that blew my mind because I had not seen one of those since I was a kid you know and they did shots out of it and I don't really remember much after that I just meant that

I walked out by myself I do remember that I think. Yeah, so then the next day I woke up and I did the whole stupid walk. And when I was done with the walk, there was this little double-decker bus and I was starving. I didn't know whether it was a good breakfast place and I just said, fuck it. And I walked up to the double-decker bus that they turn into this fucking little restaurant thing. And I had a hot dog for breakfast and followed it up with a mint chocolate chip ice cream cone. And I sat alone on a fucking park bench eating an ice cream cone at Saskatoon, Saskatchewan. Hung over as shit and just laughing at myself. Like what kind of a fucking life am I living? So as I'm sitting there this nice Canadian couple

pulls up right they're both on bicycles one of them's towing a kid and I just see with the one guy you know they're all like Flanders like that's how nice they are up there and he just goes he pulls up. He's like, oh no, oh No, and I'm like, what's he looking at? I turned around I looked back you know the little bus thing that had the hot dogs and the ice cream and Like 40 children's just showed up brought up by like the teachers or something It's like they were gonna be out of ice cream and hot dogs by the time these people order. It was fucking hilarious I beat the rush

Just by like 30 seconds, but like they were just, oh no, oh geez. Well, I guess we got here at the wrong time. No, no, no, sorry, sorry, it's okay. It's okay, you eat everything. I don't need nourishment. They were like even apologetic like that. It was so, I always forget how loud and obnoxious

I am and my fellow Americans are until I go to like other countries. Like, I don't want to be the guy shitting on Americans because I was up there and Nate just kept talking about how nice the people were up there and I was like, dude, fuck these people. They riot when they lose, you know, a playoff series. Okay? They're just as racist.

They're just as fucked up, blah, blah. By the time we got to Regina, I was like, alright, you know what? These are really nice people. I'll give it to you. I'll give it to you. Alright? I'm stubborn. I don't want to be yet another person that travels to another country and then comes

back here to tell everybody how everything in this country is wrong. You should see how they make a grilled cheese sandwich up there. I mean, it's just so, ehhh, like Everything's like fucking better. It's like, really? Is that why everybody's always paying attention to us? You know, if we stink so bad, how come you know the name of our president and we don't know the name of your president? Why don't you think about that one for a second? Gee, I don't know, general bill because you guys drop bombs on us all right fair enough all right 17 minutes this is like the fucking old days right now if you'd like to know I'm going over the Manhattan Bridge looking at my old digs way back in the day up the street. I used to live in Yorkville.

I think that's what it was called. It was the depressing fucking Roosevelt Island, Queensborough Bridge. I walked across that thing one time. I was so sick of going to the gym. I was just like, you know, I ran down. I didn't run. What am I talking about? I fucking walked down, walked over the bridge.

And there's no way to walk on a bridge and not think about that Saturday night fever. That fucking idiot. You know? I love how he was too cowardly to get into that fight and then he's going to do a head stand on the Verrazano Bridge. By the way, that's the one that goes from Brooklyn to Staten Island. See if I still remember this. Goes Brooklyn Bridge, Manhattan, Williamsburg, then Manhattan.

Hey, sir, is this the Brooklyn, I mean, is goes Brooklyn Bridge Manhattan Williamsburg then Manhattan hey sir is this the uh Brooklyn I mean is this the Manhattan or Williamsburg Williamsburg oh sorry Williamsburg my fault so it goes Brooklyn Manhattan Williamsburg Queensboro and then I don't know what the fuck else is up there there's some sort of foot bridges Tri-Burrow Bridge or some shit they probably probably renamed it, you know, at this point. It's not the Jackie Robinson fucking bridge. It's probably been named after some, some lady, you know? I don't know what, some lady who fucking showed a clam on a show and she was considered brave, you know?

The hairy twat, the hairy bridge. Look at, look at, I don't do it fucking vagina joker vagina now. the hairy twat, the hairy bridge. Look at it. I don't do it fucking vagina joker vagina. Now I'm going to do it on a bridge. What's wrong with me? So anyways, oh my God, Alphabet City. Yeah. Now that's like all nice.

Tom's Skin Square Park. All the memories are coming back. You know, I've been gone from this city for so long that there's a lot of it that I don't even recognize. Like, I mean, obviously the Empire State Building and that type of shit, Times Square and that type of thing, but it's like just completely different from the city that I moved to. Like Times Square was fucking scary when I moved here. So we just drove by. Just drove by and was driving like 30 miles an hour with the sunroof open with their cell phone out the top videotaping.

I guess I'm podcasting, but I'm not driving, right? Oh, do you want to film at all? I'm sorry, sorry. It's okay, sorry. I'll edit it for you. I won't charge at all? I'm sorry. Sorry. It's okay. Sorry. I'll edit it for you. I won't charge you anything. I'm Canadian.

How funny is it that they're that nice and then you get them out on the ice? That's when it all comes out, right? Fucking cross-checking to the neck. All of a sudden Flanders gets his glasses off, puts on a different kind of sweater and you better keep your fucking head up. That's Canada, right? Can't you please do a drawing of fucking Flanders as a fucking goon? For the fucking, I don't know, the Thunder Bay Lamas, whatever the name of your teams are up there in the fucking

lower levels, the minor leagues, whatever you call them. Every fucking Canadian has this, oh I made it to Thunder Bay and I didn't, I wasn't good enough to get in the NHL, so I tried to fight my way into the league. I know I'm doing a bad Canadian accent, I apologize. But anyways, whatever. Dude, I remember a long time ago, Jeff Ross hosted a comedy show,

live from Thompson Square Park. And I remember thinking that was so fucking badass, anybody that was performing there, because Alphabet City, like before I even came here, people were saying how scary that was. And like Thompson Square was just like, the city had just given into like, I mean, it was like, that's a subway going by if you hear something. It was just like a tense city. Like I walked by it one time and it was just like,

I was trying to mask the fear in my face, plus you know, rubber neck and just wanted to see what it looked like. And it was like junkies, homeless people, just fucking mentally ill people. It was like, it was like the beginning of a bad hair metal video. You know when they used to try to do those apocalypse ones? They were all basically loosely based on

Escape from New York, people coming up on a manholes. Even Once His Face did that, Michael Jackson did it. It was like the thriller video, except, you know, it was real. Get away! Anyways, I'm going to read some advertising here at the risk of getting carsick. You know what's funny about having a kid is your screen savers all become your kid, and every time you pick up your phone, you're around other adults, and they have no idea you're looking at your kid. You just go, oh

Then you try to turn into a cough Excuse me Because as a man, you're not allowed to show love All right content live reads, okay, here we go. Oh, look at this. Look at this live From the fucking Williamsburg Bridge It's all zip Live from the fucking Williamsburg Bridge. It's all zip. Recruiter. This driver's gonna think I'm nuts.

Are you hiring? Well, are ya? Oh, dirty ass New York. Look at these fucking people. Oh my God, kids playing outside in New York unsupervised. Little kid acting like he had a gun. This is like the old New York I knew. This is going to be all like fucking high end now.

That's not a crazy guy, that's an artist. Is he talking to himself? Robin sold gold cash. We buy gold, that's an old Asian looking woman there leaning up against a dirty pole. Where the fuck am I? Oh, Essex Street in Delancey. I never used to be down here. All right, convenient, easy, reliable, flexible. Right now you can enjoy the Stamps services

with a special offer that includes a four week trial plus postage and a digital scale without long- term commitments. Go to stamps.com, click on the microphone at the top of the homepage and type in Burr, B-U-R-R that's stamps.com, enter Burr. Stamps.com, never go to the post office again. All right, down here like around Houston Street,

back in the day, I used to do this fucking room called Surf Reality. And it was the beginning of the alt scene. And the level of talent, this was before you could start your career. Start a privileged career in the fucking alt rooms where there was like, no heckling, let's just support and give somebody at least 20 minutes

to get to a fucking punch line. This was like club comics going down there and then just some weirdo people that, you know, just were just totally different, but all the comics loved them. And I used to do a place down here called Surf Reality. I remember every time I got off the train and I walked over here, I used to fuck,

I was convinced I was gonna get mugged. And I bought this jacket from the Army Navy store in a black fucking hat, trying to look like I was in Nam or some shit, and keep it my head down so they didn't see the fucking Ron Howard look on my goddamn face you know you know what's great about this is as I look out this I might be able to do a whole podcast and not bring up what is happening to my Boston Celtics Jesus Christ everything that I feared finally happened. I told you guys

when I first started watching them, I'm like how can a team that doesn't really have a center, that doesn't rebound, is not good playing D in the paint and lives and dies by the three? How can you win in the NBA? But they did and I bought into it and you know what a big bucket of reality hit us and gave us the old right there, Fred. I don't know if game three is tonight, but after watching game two, Jesus Christ. I was so excited.

At least we got the number one pick next year. I'm gonna go out on a limb and say, maybe we should get a center. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. What are you guys thinking, man? You still believe in Kelly Olenek? If the rest of the team can somehow get us to game seven, I'm warning you people in Cleveland right now, you better watch out for Kelly Olenek.

That is a bad man in game seven. Games one through six, he's fucking horrific. But you get that man to game seven. Lucky seven, that's what I call him. Lucky seven with his Kobe 11s. Brings the Celtics to heaven, some shit. I don't know, if it rhymes, it's true. I don't know, after game two,

I'm wondering if we're even gonna make it to game four. I mean, we lost by 54 fucking points. That's like some shit that happens when you're like in middle school. But there's a part of me that actually enjoys this because I'm rooting against the Warriors. And I think it bugs LeBron and the Cavaliers that we were the number one seed. I think it bugs them that they acted like we even remotely had a shot against them. And I know Isaiah's hurt. We just found that out, but come on. He's hurt.

So what we only lose by 34 points. I think they just got a chip on their shoulder. They're the defending champs. And nobody is talking about them like they are. And everybody's up the fucking ass. You know, the old Boston Salters who they're a number one seed just trying to sell the series, right? And everybody's out there talking about the fucking the filthy Golden State

Warriors kicking people in the balls and blowing out fucking ankles and shit I mean has there been a more boring Western Conference or Eastern Conference matchups I mean these things have just been absolute blowouts. I bet they calling up Stern again and he's going to get those mobbed up reps in there to fucking start fixing some games again just so they don't lose out on all this ad money. Cause these things are just going to go, they're going to go four games rather than having 14 games possibly of ad money. They're going to have the bare minimal eight, you know, and these owners man, they got a lot of money money they have to pay out to these players.

You know? They spend a lot of money with their hookers and all that type of shit, you know? Getting their fucking tummies tucked. Lap band surgery and all this shit, getting their faces yanked back so they can keep banging the underpaid cheerleaders or whatever it is that they do.

So, everybody's just basically waiting for the finals and I don't know man, I don't want to jinx it. I'm going to shut up because I already jinxed the fucking city of Washington by just saying I don't want to jinx it. But I think, well, I'm not going to say what's going to happen. I'm just going to say what I would love to see. I want to see the Cavaliers win. I want to see them go fucking back to back. And I want to see that fucking dream team of, I don't know, I can't say a bunch of free agents. Just, I don't know. I'm just all cunty because I wanted to see the fucking, I wanted to see the Thunder,

see if they could get by him. I didn't want to see the fucking one of the best guys just join the goddamn team can you imagine that like back in the day you know like when Larry Bird steals the ball from Isaiah can you imagine the next year like Isaiah Thomas was a Celtic then we just like kick the shit as a fucking guy staring at me like why I'm doing this recording right now I I just waved at him. And he continued to stare at me and now I'm feeling like, now I'm feeling weird. Well, I guess he was looking at the car. He had sunglasses on. Jesus Christ. Is this guy a fucking robot? Why is he looking at me?

He's got a minivan and he just stare. I'm in a SUV. I guess if you have a minivan, you fucking, you take your sunglasses off to look at an SUV, right? The minivan is sort of the ballest SUV. And the SUV is sort of the one ball, like like I don't know full-size truck I don't know how it works I'm not a redneck oh fuck they the Handmaid's Tale on Hulu is anybody watching that I came home the other day

in my mother-in-law she always she watches all these shows that I would never see she started to watch one about, it was about this girl who committed suicide and left like a tape. And she was watching that one now. It's like Little House in the Prairie meets like an S&M video. It was really weird. I don't know what was going on. Like they were like these nuns and they were trying to escape this thing and one of them

makes it on the subway and the other one doesn't. And then next thing you know, they got her tied down and they're beating her feet. How do you get that job? The official like feet beater. I could see like back in the day, you know what I mean? Back in the, well, maybe this was back. No, this seems to be like in the future. Do you realize that there's people out there that they're born and at some point when they

try to figure out like what am I good at? Like the answer to that ends up being torturing other human beings. How fucked up is that? You know what I mean? Just like, it's kind of like being like a comedian. You're either funny or you're not, you can't teach somebody to be funny. And then there's like, like torturing stuff. You just can't teach somebody to be able to do that and just like block it out as somebody's fucking screaming.

This lady was sitting there screaming and crying. That guy's just whacking the shit out of her feet. I always come, I always ask Marlon, like, Jesus, Crain, what the hell are you watching? She always laughs. She's like, I don't know, I always ask Marlon, like, Jesus, what the hell are you watching? She always laughs. She's like, I don't know, I just put this on. All right, so here we are. Jesus Christ, you know, I got to give it up to the graffiti artists.

Like they've really taken it to another level. You know, in certain tattoos I've noticed, you know, there's like the high level tattoo artists are amazing, but the problem is, is most people that get tattoos don't have a lot of money. So like, you know what's the worst is when you see somebody go into a tattoo parlor and they're looking at shit on the wall. It's just like, dude, that's going to be on your body for life. You don't even have like a, you don't have an idea. You don't have a theme

Let's see, I don't know Kind of like a butterfly with like a bee and that's what's gonna end up happening if you look on a wall It's either gonna be a skull What's that star tattoo that everybody has that red and fucking black one? I know like three comedians that have them has that red and fucking black one. I know like three comedians that have them. A couple of boy band guys have them. I don't know what it is. Maybe it's an anime thing. I have no idea. That's my new word, anime, because I'm watching that fucking One Punch Man. Anyways, let's get back to the Celtics. Holy fucking shit. Do you realize we have lost, I think we've lost by like a total of like, like north of 80 points in the first two games.

Definitely north of 70. Like if you took all the, if you just had the Cavaliers win by one in game one, and then one in game two, and you just gave them all those other points, like they would not, they could have me in there. Oh, who's kidding? No, me, you could have me in there for about a quarter and a half. It's all tied up. 78-78. Jesus Christ. I mean this is like one of this is the

worst beating a Celtic team has ever taken in my life in the playoffs. The other closest most humiliating one to this was I I don't know, a lot of people don't remember this, during the Larry Bird era, and it was the last year of Bill Fitch. He'd kind of lost the team. I guess they blamed the coach. I don't know how, but we got swept by the Milwaukee Bucks. And I remember we lost game one and we lost game two and then we lost game three. I just kept thinking like, they're going to turn it on, they're going to turn it on, and

then they lost game three and I just kept thinking like they're gonna turn it on they're gonna turn it on and then they lost game Four and that team had Larry Bird Robert Parrish Kevin McHale I don't think we had Dennis Johnson at that point and I'm trying to remember who was on the Bucks with Sidney Moncrief. I Don't know who else Dude I'm so psyched that I already got 40 minutes of this fucking podcast time cuz I have no goddamn time Like I was supposed to be at this thing that I'm doing. I was supposed to be there 25 minutes ago It's 555 it's supposed to start at 630 so there is some PA right now freaking the fuck out and

There's nothing I can do about it. Oh look at this. I'm on Houston Street But there's nothing I can do about it. Oh, look at this. I'm on Houston Street. Another fire engine. This is just like the fire chief. He's got like a pickup truck. Oh, they got a fire engine there. By the way, dude, do you see that fucking lunatic?

We just plowed into the, all those people in Times Square. What the fuck is wrong with people? Geez, I didn't want to like talk about it, to give anybody fucking ideas. Let's get off that subject. Oh, the Adidas store. I love Adidas. Always been an Adidas guy.

I don't mind Nike, you know. I like it, I always liked Adidas better. You know why? Because no one knew, like everyone knew Adidas before Nike came along. If it's Nike, I don't know what it is. Oh wow, look at this. This is down near the old fucking, my old subway stop when I used to live on the Upper East Side and I used to come down and go to the Comedy Cellar and the Boston Comedy Club. What the fu- Astor Place, that's where I used to get off.

That's when I started looking up all the names of these people, like who the- what is Astor Place? And I found out about the Astor family, and they're just all just a bunch of fucking slumlords. All the statues, I just started looking them up, learned about the Triangle Shirtwaist Fire. People jump into their fucking deaths because somebody locked the door to the... Look that one up, Triangle Shirtwaist Fire. Actually read a book on it.

And it was just, I don't know why I did. It was the most uncomfortable book since I read the book, The Perfect Storm. And if you don't want to buy the book, just fucking open it up and just there's a chapter maybe like a three page thing maybe where the guy describes what happens when you drown and it's just like I don't know your fucking blood goes cold man it's fucking freaky as hell do you know whenever they find those guys in the caves they always have this goofy smile on their face like those divers who decide to fucking swim into a goddamn cave?

They're just fucking, they're what I love, they're dumb enough to do that and then some poor bastard has to go in there, has to go in there and try to fucking find them. Why don't they just leave them, Why don't they just leave him? Why don't they just leave him down there? What the fuck? I don't understand. You know what I mean? Just fucking leave him down there.

Why are you going to spend all that money to go get him? He swam into a cave. He went into a cave underwater. Like what the fuck are we supposed to do? And that's somebody's goddamn job. They gotta go down and fish. You're going down there, knowing you're gonna see a dead body.

When they find him, I guess they always have this goofy smile on their face, because the last thing is your body releases all this dopamine or some shit. I sound like Joe Rogan right now, except I don't know what I'm talking about. Dopamine and you know, one of those drugs that those fucking ravers take releases that

shit right? And they feel this level of euphoria like the end of your life level of euphoria. And then the next day they're just eating like a bowl of Apple Jacks and they're like just burst out in tears because it's so fucking depressing because they fucked up. They already know what it feels like to die which evidently After you go through the horror The water I guess it's a nice experience. Okay, man. That wasn't that bad This driver thinks I'm out of my fucking mind I know it

Where we got 44 minutes 44 fucking minutes. Oh Jesus I used to go down here and I used to do Hot 97. You know, back in the day when everything was fucking crazy, like three times a year, rappers would seem to have like a gun battle in the fucking lobby. And I would go down there whenever I was doing, whenever I was doing Carolines, you know, and I used to headline Caroline's on like a Tuesday night and they would, Louis Ferranda, he used to have to pull the fucking curtain, you know? So it wouldn't look bad. And I was doing Talens rooms.

And so I was doing the white and the black room. So I used to come down here and I used to try to get some people that maybe saw me open for Talon or Drew Frazier or fucking Gerald Kelly, the New York Kings, Rob Stapleton, all of them. I used to do their rooms. One of the most fun times in my career that I had was doing that stuff.

Nobody knew who the fuck I was. I had to go on stage. Expect now, people come out, they know who I am. So then it's like, I have to work to lose them. Well back then I actually had to fucking earn it. Believe me, I look back on those days fondly, but I don't miss not selling tickets. So whenever I come back here, I always think about all of those gigs.

Capone used to have this room, Nell's on 14th Street. It was the greatest fucking bar, but it was such a hard room for me. That one in Le Barbat, talent had that one. And that one, that fucking room, every time I went there, it was like, I bombed, next time I killed, I bombed, I killed and I could never figure that room out. It was like an after work party. And I just would go up there white as hell and it just either they, you know, you had basically in the black rooms, you have, you have your opening joke and then that's it. They, they, you know, you had basically in the black rooms, you have your opening joke and then that's it.

Black people have, they're very much like Sicilians where it's like you're dead to them. You fuck up once, that's it, you're dead to me, over. This relationship is done and there's no repairing it. Which is why it's amazing. What's her face? The Fuji chick there. Started to get booed on the Apollo and then fucking turned it around.

The hell's her goddamn name. You know, amazing voice, cute as hell, four hours late to her shows. Lauryn Hill. Lauryn Hill. Whenever I hear the Fuji music, that reminds me when I first moved down here. That and Wu-Tang Clan, 36 Chambers. And what else was I listening to back then?

I don't know. Okay, now this guy's driving like a fucking maniac. I think he's sick of my podcast here. How far away are we? Another five minutes, sir. Another five minutes. You know they're freaking out, man. Oh, I'm sure. Where the fuck is he? We're going to a hotel first, right?

Yeah, I look like I just came from Saskatchewan. They're going to take pictures, so I can't be looking like that. I got to look like I at least bathed today. Oh, dude, I had a fucking 6.30 bathe today. Oh dude, I had a fucking 6.30 a.m. flight today. Nothing puts me in a goddamn mood. My show didn't get done till 12, and of course I had to go out and have a couple of pops to celebrate the end of the tour.

I want to thank everybody who, seriously, who came out in Winnipeg, everybody that came out in, Toon, Saskatoon, sorry about the poppin' on the peas here, and everybody that came out in Regina., Saskatoon, sorry about the popping on the peas here, and everybody that came out in Regina, I had a great time. I'm definitely, those three cities are now part of my tours. Now I feel I can go right across the whole southern part. So I was telling people, next thing I'm gonna do is I'm gonna do Alaska over to Yellowknife

and some other ones. Jesus Christ. Fucking nine-foot lady with no clothes on. You see that? She had her ass hanging out of the bottom of her fucking dress. It's like a sand trap. So many fucking divots in it. Sorry.

Sorry. I'm sorry. Um, not that I'm any prize. Are we stopping to get gas, we try to make a left. Oh, okay. Sorry this car is broken Yeah, let's go let's go we get behind the one polite cab driver in the fucking city here Why are these people wearing scarves? It's not even cold out. Absolutely not, exactly. You mean the left.

We're going left here. That idiot, yeah. I like him. You like me. You just shit on everybody's you're driving. They're morons, right? They don't even... Especially Sunday.

It's like Jurassic Park. All the dinosaurs come out. You don't know what they're morons right they don't even especially Sunday you got it's like Jurassic Jurassic Park forgive you for what I love what you're saying trash more of them make it more entertaining it makes me feel more normal because that's all I do don't you think part of it is because we feel like you know they don't know what we're doing we're too wrapped up in ourselves or do you think they're morons when you're right and another 99 people is wrong that makes you weird right there you go yeah that makes you right I

love it look at that Bill's bar and burger oh and there's some flyer fan in there with a Claude Giroux Claude Giroux whatever you say his fucking name okay right said, hotel's right in the front. Oh, okay, right here? All right, dude, I'm gonna jump out and I'll be around. All right, I'm just gonna, I'm gonna, I'll be back down and like... I'll be circling because I don't think there's a place for me to park. You have to circle? Yeah, so I think you got my phone number, right? I just, I think I texted you.

Did you text me? Let me call you now. Yeah, call me now so then I got it. And then you call me, I'll show it in the front. Okay, cool. It's gonna be the same car, not that. All right, you know what, I'm gonna call these people and I'll let them know that I'm coming over.

I don't know, why the fuck do I have to be on an hour early for a goddamn podcast? Am I gonna warm up my voice? It could be, but I think it's different. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck shit, right? All right, so your phone ringing? It's my phone ringing. Is that you? No that's not me. Somebody

saying hello unless we're in that fucking movie with the guy from Beretta. You ever see that movie? Which one is it? The guy who killed somebody or maybe killed somebody got out of jail. He played Beretta. Remember they called him? I don't remember. The guy who did like Twin Peaks or something. Twin Peaks? oh. Come on, you know that Mulholland Drive. What's the, remember the guy from Breda? Don't go to bed with a press on your head. No. Let me call you that.

Don't do it. Hey, why don't you just give me your phone and I'll do it. I'll call you that, and that's 310? Ah, don't say my number here. No, it's not 310, come here. Just give me the goddamn thing. It's quicker. Why do you have one glove on? No, I'm driving. Oh that's your driving glove? I like Michael Jackson and

I use the left hand mostly. Right with Michael Jackson, I love it. Yeah, too bad he got framed. He got framed? You know something, I actually think he did too. You know what, yeah you can't fucking molest a bunch of white kids, even if you became white. Yeah, and get off on it twice. But California, they couldn't nail down OJ, right? No, they just want to ruin his reputation, that's all. They just want him to do it. All right, having said that, would you leave,

would you, if you had a kid, I don't know if you have kids, you wouldn't leave him with Michael though, right? Now his older is okay. Now they're all there because they can fight him off? No sir, you know what? I'm going to park on that side so you can feel free to take all your time. I'll be right here. He just pull up to your house, hooooo! Right? Stomping his foot and then your fucking kid's got to go out? Alright sir. Alright, I got to hit pause on this. I'll do the last eight minutes later. Do you need the bags?

Do I need the what? Your bag, your baggage at the back? Oh yeah, that's where my show clothes are in. Yeah, there's like regular clothes and then there's headlining clothes. I gotta get on my headclining. I got it. Okay, all right. Okay, I'll talk to you guys in a minute. All right, I'm back. I'm back. Oh, Freckled Fucko is back here. I did all my press that I had to do.

I want to thank everybody over at Vulture Fest. Everybody treated me great. I had a fun time going back and forth. One of the women over there was giving me shit about how bad the Celtics were playing. And I was just agreeing with her. And then she just kept trying to do a dig on the Celtics were playing. And I was just agreeing with her. And then she just kept trying to do a dig on the Celtics. And I go, I really don't appreciate your little passive aggressive comments on the Celtics. I'm admitting that you're kicking her ass. And then she laughed going, ah, you caught that. So I go, what part of Ohio are you from? And she goes, oh, I'm not from Ohio. I go, wait a minute, you're not from Ohio?

How are you a Cavaliers fan? She goes, I'm a LeBron fan. I'm like, get the fuck out of here. She goes, yeah, no, I was a fan of his when he went down to Miami. And I'm a fan now that he's gone back to Cleveland. It's just like, you know. Found out she's from Washington, DC.

I'm like, you're a fucking wizards fan. She goes, ew, I don't want to do that. It's just, you know what? I actually respect it on some level. I think that she's a, you know, if I guess if they're all going to be free agents and piling on with each other, then you might as well be like a free agent fan.

Then it doesn't fucking matter, right? I don't know. I don't know what it's, I'm just joking around. We had a great time giving each other shit. And then I got to sit down. It was pretty cool. They actually showed the first episode of season two. From what I heard, people really liked it.

I, of course, was not in the room. I didn't want to deal with that. And then we went and we did a, I went in and I did the interview in front of the crowd that just saw it and handed out some free t-shirts. We had these condoms made up, FFSA family condoms and stuff, handed them out. People like those took some pictures afterwards. It was a great interview, you know, just great questions and that type of thing was a lot of fun and knocked it out. oh Billy boy is gonna be hitting the fucking hotel by here soon. How much time I got left here? I Got a knock out another fucking five minutes. I

Might do it tomorrow morning. Maybe I'll do that, you know, cuz it doesn't make a difference because you guys I gotta watch the Celtics man How much are they down by all right watch I don't know how to turn on a TV anymore watch now yes that's what I want to do I want to watch now I want to watch now you want to watch no I want to watch TV setting the world on fire. Setting the world on fire. How much are we down by? Kelly Olenek for the love of God, pretend it's fourth quarter, game seven. Whatever the fuck it is you have to do.

Alright, come on. Alright, this is football. You guys really gonna listen to me channel surf? You don't wanna hear this shit. I'm gonna watch the goddamn game. And I know, oh do it live, comment to hear this shit I'm gonna watch the goddamn game and I know do it live commentate a lot I'm not doing that someone just sit here watching these people getting the fucking shit kicked out of them Isaiah's out I mean we could potentially we can

lose by 40 oh my god all of a sudden just having the number one draft pick just seems a lot different. I knew all these fucking people going like, I'll tell you right now, the Celtics are only a player away. I was at least smart enough to say it. We're more like a player and a half away. I thought, meaning we needed two players. Remember a few months ago?

Where they were trying to suggest if we got Carmelo Anthony, like we'd have a legitimate shot to take out fucking I almost said the LeBron James the Cavaliers but that's really what it is I don't think we do listen I'm gonna watch this game this podcast is gonna be like I owe you three minutes okay I really don't cuz I've done a bunch that are over an hour but I gotta upload this shit I got an early flight because I gotta go out and Get back to my wife and daughter. That's it. Thank you guys for listening And please tell everybody on May 30th that F is for family is coming out and I'm gonna be doing a bunch of press

So I apologize if you see my stupid face a little bit too much out there I have to do it. I got to put on the monkey sad monkey hat a little fucking you know do my little fuckin' dance over the next couple of weeks. But, you know, I'm gonna be trying to, I don't know, I'll be trying to let you guys know where I'm gonna be at if you give a shit. All right, that's it.

Go fuck yourselves and I'll check in on ya on Thursday. It's got me high Double rope, silver chain Front and middle since plenty of pain And I don't like what you got me from And I don't like what you got me in front And I don't like what you got me in front And I don't like what you got me in front