Monday Morning Podcast - Post-Carnegie Podcast

Episode Date: November 15, 2011

Posted in PodcastPlay AudioBill talks about a once in a lifetime experience of playing Carnegie Hall, the teen Idol Sensation Joe Derosa and makes time for dilemmas.

Ikea, tip of the week. Do you like to get a gift? You can count on us. Because until April 15, Ikea family members get a free children's menu at the purchase of a warm meal for adults. Come on, I'm back. I am... And I'm not better than ever.

I'm the same mediocre jackass you ever met. Can you guys hear the echo in this room? Hey! Cool it! I gotta get some stuff. I gotta do some, put a mattress on the fucking wall. Anyways, I am back out here in Los Angeles. This is the first time I've been back for an extended period of time.

In my new domicile out here. Since I can fucking remember. I was actually thinking since October 16, I have been on 15 different airplanes. And, uh... I for one, in a little second, this podcast sucks. This podcast sucks so far. You know why it is?

Because I'm not really paying attention to what I'm doing. I'm trying to adjust where I'm gonna sit. Fuckin' cunt. Just dropped it. There we go, is that better? Well listen, you know what the good thing is? You know what's the great thing about having a fucking train wreck? Is as bad as it is to listen to,

on some level it has to make you guys feel better about your lives, doesn't it? You know? Well shit, at least if... I mean, I don't do a podcast, but if I were to do it, there would be some sort of preparation. Um... Alright, I got nothing but good news this week everybody. Nothing but good nothing.

You did nothing! I got nothing but good news this week. Alright, first things first. For you cute little Monday morning podcast ears, I went out and I figured out what the fucking problem was. It was a simple thing. I just had a problem with the wire. And I went out and I bought a...

I just went to a guitar center. And I alleviated the problem. Because I went out and I... Rather than buying the little douchey eight dollar cord, you know, like my parents just bought me a ukulele for my 12th birthday and I have a rock and roll dream, you know? So then I go out and I buy the cheapest shit to plug into an amp. Instead, I went out and said,

fuck that, give me the hundred dollar one. Give me the one Jimmy Page uses. When he plays those guys' music and then doesn't give him credit for it. Give me that one. I want that one. Um... So I got that one, so now we're good. Alright, the levels should be fine.

Everything should be fine. And if you don't like it, I suggest you pack up your little fucking iPod or whatever you listen to this thing on and you just get the fuck out of my podcasting world. What do you think about that? Um, very hostile, Bill. Very hostile for someone who has nothing to bitch about. Uh, yeah.

I don't. I have nothing to complain about. I basically just wrapped the most unbelievable fucking month of my life. You know? I don't think there's going to be any comedy on this one, everybody. I am fucking ecstatic. Alright? I got a brand new website, everybody.

And of course, I went to go on it and I can't get on it. But it should be up by the time you listen to this. Or maybe it's my computer. I don't know what the fuck's going on. I got one of these laptops that's like, uh... I don't know. At this point, it's almost three years old, which is basically... Basically the laptop equivalent of, uh...

Like a 47 year old stripper. You know? It's still doing the job. It still looks alright. You know? It still can do the little tricks. It can go on the internet. It can fucking drop down to a split and bring that booty right back up again.

You know? But it's tired. I can see it. It's got little varicose veins on the side of the plastic. It's just... It's had its time. And, uh... I feel bad for it.

I never found love. It always said that it was only going to be a laptop for, like, you know, a year, year and a half. And then it was going to go back to school and become a fucking iPad or some shit. Um... But it didn't. It's just become a cliched laptop. And what am I going to do with it? You know, I'd love to donate it to a school, but some of the porn I've looked at, I don't need that.

I don't need to send that over to kids and then all of a sudden it comes back to me. I don't need that. So you know what I'm going to do with it? I'm going to throw it in the fucking trash. It's going to end up in that cesspool of shit out there in the middle of the ocean. You know? It's two miles deep and twice the size of Texas. And some flounder's going to swim right through it.

And, yeah, fucking months later I'm going to be eating some sushi. You know? Thinking of being healthy. What am I doing? I'm eating my old fucking laptop. With a side of rollerblades, a couple of beanie babies with my edamame. That's what's out there in the ocean. You guys realize that it's all those fucking fads you forgot about.

Remember those razor scooters? That was the last time you saw one of those. Where is it? Maybe that's in your garage. That'd be a good thing to hold on to. That was sort of made out of a precious metal. Maybe that's something you could melt down during some sort of zombie crisis and make a sword. You know?

Could you get away from a zombie with a scooter? All you fucking nerds out there who are into that type of shit? If you had a little razor scooter, could you do it? What if you dropped your glasses, you fucking sci-fi douche? Then what would you do? That would be hilarious watching you squint down the street. You already know you're uncoordinated. If you're a nerd, if you're into sci-fi, this is one of the truest statements they're ever going to make.

If you're into sci-fi, you have no hand-eye coordination. You know? That's why the football players always threw shit at your head. It's not because they were assholes. It's because they knew you didn't have the ability to send some sort of signal to your fucking hands to get them up in time. Or at least get them in the right position. That's why they did it, you know? Why don't you step outside your little bullying self, bullied self, I should say,

and just realize that, you know, yes, it was your head. Yes, it was your childhood. But as a man, be honest, is there anything funnier than seeing somebody with a bad haircut? Take some sort of object to the side of the head at about 30, 35 miles an hour. There's just nothing funnier than that, you know? In a lot of ways, all these fucking nerds who are getting bullied, it's their fault. It's not even their fault, it's their parents' fault. What are you doing?

You went to school. Let's say you're a nerd, right? And you went out, you found some other nerdy broad at some nerdy fucking event, right? And then you guys, you fucking went in the corner and you, I don't know what you did. You were so excited that another human being liked you that you forgot to put on a condom. And next thing you know, nine months later, you got yourself another little nerd, all right? And you love the little bastard, he looks just like, came out of the womb wearing glasses. This is, this is, this is, this is your seed, all right?

Now if you've been bullied and you got the living shit kicked out of you, that's not something you ever fucking forget, okay? You don't ever forget that. You sit back, you analyze it. You talk to a higher power, why me? Why, why was I born this way? Why am I the guy? How come I can't catch anything in gym class? Why am I required to still go to fucking dumb jock?

Well, you know why? Because a dumb jock still has to go to science class. All right, another problem, another question answered in my own fucking head. All right, so anyways, you remember all those beat downs? And you have all those fucking fantasies about going in there? Jeremy's spoken, yeah, right? And doing something fucking crazy, but you don't. What do you do?

You say, fuck this, I'm going out in the fucking world. It might do she little nerdy card. I'm going to find other nerds and we're going to get together. We're going to start a computer company, right? And then we'll sit in the lotus position, hugging it because it's our friend. Because it was never mean to us. Because it could take us to space and beyond. I really don't know why I'm going with this.

Just buckle up, shut the fuck up. All right, where am I? Oh, going to space and beyond. And then you became a success, right? Then you went to Comic-Con, you finally got your dick wet, and now you got a fucking nerd ass kid. So here's my question to you. Nerd dad, daddy nerd, big daddy nerd, nerd.

Let me ask you a fucking question. How do you forget to not send your kid to school looking like a spaz? How do you forget? Get up some contacts, comb his fucking hair, just fucking try to see what the other kids are wearing and put him in that uniform. Give him the best fucking chance he possibly has to not get the shit kicked out of him.

That's the problem. That's the problem with these fucking nerds. They don't learn anything from their childhood. The same way the fucking football player douche, right? He goes out and goes and bangs some chick named Debbie, who never wore panties, you know, but she had pom-poms, so she's a good catch, right? He goes out, just drops a fucking load right in her.

Nine months later, right? Now they got some little douche, right? Coming out of the womb already looking like he's wearing shoulder pads. He's all ready to start picking on some little spaz, you know? Same way the football player doesn't learn anything. Why would he learn anything? He had a great fucking time, you know? As you went home jerking off the cheerleaders,

he was actually fucking them. For all you know, if he gained enough yards, he might have banged one of your teachers. That happens. That's all I'm saying is all this talk in the news about bullying. Okay, it shouldn't be done. Blah, blah, blah, and all this type of shit. You know, where is your responsibility as a fucking parent

to not send your kid to school to avoid sending your kid to school with please beat the shit out of me close? You know? Oh my god, I remember one time I went to school, right? I came from a big family, you know? This is, you know, my mom did the laundry, but this is before the whole fucking eye washer and eye dryer.

Or you could just fucking just rooty-toot-toot and get the whole fucking thing done in two seconds. Back in the day, you had to scrub it down by the brook. Hang it by a tree and then pack your musket so some fucking Davey Crockett looking douche would come by and steal it. No, we didn't have a dryer, so we used to hang it between the trees, but we had a washer.

We had a washer. Um... So anyways, I was running out of fucking clothes, you know? And I was down to the last... I think I told the story before, right? I was down to the last two fucking things I had in my closet. One was a fucking button-down shirt that my grandmother got me. Like, fucking...

Somewhere between Baby Blue and the fucking West Hollywood. That was the color of it, right? It was basically the Seinfeld Puffy shirt before Seinfeld. Um, it didn't have the ruffles in the front, but it just, it was really... There was no reason to ever wear this shirt unless you were on stage playing the hero in some sort of pirate movie.

Put it that way, alright? Very, very puffy sleeves. Pop I could have fit his arm in there, no problem. A lot of people don't know that. That's why Pop I didn't wear button-down shirts. Because he was a sailor, you know? He was a pirate. He could have wore those puffy ones,

and his forearms would have fit. Maybe he was a pirate. Um, anyways. So I was down in that fucking ugly-ass goddamn grandmother's shirt. And I swear to God, all I had left was this pair of... They were pinkish orange two-tone slacks. I don't know that sounds gay as hell, but it was the 70s.

There was two pairs of them. One was light blue, and then the other one was this rusty orange, but definitely pink going on in them. And they basically... The pants were dark. The legs of the pants were dark, but the pockets on the back were dark blue.

The pants were dark blue, and the back pockets were a lighter blue. And they go up around the waist. There was another design, you know? At the top of my fucking little eight-year-old booty crack was another little light blue design. I swear to God, it was designed by a pedophile somewhere. Somewhere in France, where evidently it's legal.

So anyways, but even that pair was in the wash, so I had the rusty orange pinkish version of those pants with this sky blue fucking pirate shirt. And I was sitting there. I was just old enough to realize that it might have been a problem, but just young enough to be too stupid to fake sick and not go to school. So I said, I don't know about this, I was looking at it. And I was like, yeah, I think I'm gonna be alright, fuck it, right?

And then I put on like a pair of dirty, like Adidas dragons or something. I went to school. And I knew it was in trouble. The second I got off the bus, and my friends were looking at me, and they were just looking me up and down, and they were trying to figure out what the fuck was going on. I'm trying to play it off,

but I had my coat on at this point, so you can only see a little bit of my shirt, but you could definitely see these fucking two-tone pink pants. And they were just going, I was in the fourth grade and someone could ask me if I had a date. Ah, long story short, it was the longest fucking day of my life. People who I thought were my friends immediately became people I never spoke to again for at least another two weeks,

which is like nine years when you're in fourth grade. And it was one of the worst fucking days I have had in my life. Alright? And this is the thing about the parents and nerds. They fucking send their kids to school like that every fucking day. How do you forget? Let's say you don't know shit about fashion. Just get them a fucking pair,

three, four pairs of fucking jeans, some sort of blue, get them some black, gray, some fucking manly goddamn colors. Alright? And just tell them to keep his fucking mouth shut. Just go, look, don't bring up that fucking Star Trek shit to the football players. Keep your fucking head down.

I swear to God. If I had some nerdy little kid, that's what I would do. Alright? And if some fucking kid ever kicked the shit out of my kid, I would immediately, I would send my nerd to a goddamn CIA Jiu Jitsu Israeli fucking martial arts school. Alright? I'd send him there in a little dog cage

and I would give a shit how much he cried and even though it would break my heart watching his glasses fog up. It's like, dude, you know, this is gonna happen to you every fucking day. I'm doing you a favor. Alright? You're gonna be the one scientist in the world that knows how to fight. Okay?

And then meanwhile, I would go out, I go to a local sporting goods store and I'd buy a BB gun and I would drive over to the kid's house that beat up my kid and I'd shoot his dad in the neck from across the street. I might shoot at all of them. I go up in a tree and just keep them pinned down for a while.

Although I don't know if you can do that now, not the age of cell phones is around. That's another reason why cell phones suck. It's so hard. It's so hard to have a conversation with somebody now because they're always looking at the text messages and shit. Right? But now, not only that,

because of cell phones, you've completely eliminated all possibilities unless you just don't care about getting caught of pinning down another family with a BB gun from a tree across the street. You know? I'm telling you people, how many more freedoms are we gonna lose in this country

before somebody steps up and does something? You know, it's funny. I'm laying on the floor right now and I have my head up against the wall and my bald spot in the back of my head is making my head really cold. Oh, aging. Isn't it fun?

So anyways, listen to this fucking week. Let's just go over my fucking last couple of weeks. This is how fucking insane my life has been. All right? I went to London, did a show there, Copenhagen, Oslo, Helsinki,

Stockholm, Sweden. I fly home. We stop in Zurich, Switzerland, so I get to look at the Swiss Alps, granted out of my little fucking porthole of a window. Actually, I was sitting in the middle of the plane. There was one of those giant planes where they have like three sections.

I was in the aisle in the middle and this fucking goddamn lady wouldn't get a big fucking head out of the way, but I still saw him. Flew home. Then I'm like, all right, I'm going to rest up for a couple, it's like a week here before I go back to New York

and do the whole Carnegie thing. And then what happens? Out of the blue, I get a call. Somebody dropped out. I got to do panel for the first time on the Jimmy Fallon show. By the way, thank you to everybody on the Jimmy Fallon show.

And if there's any music geeks out there, I forget the name of it, the song that they played, the roots played when I came out. I had actually heard of it before and forgot about it. It was actually a song Bill Cosby wrote. Like some sort of, I don't know, he's into jazz, I don't know.

I never really watched that show. But I wanted to hear it because I was so like when I walked out, the first time you do stand up on a late night show, it's like you dreamed it because there's so much shit you're taking in. You're already dealing with, oh my God, what if I bomb on national TV?

Then you walk out and then there's a bunch of cameras. There's the band. There's the host. And then behind all of this, the cameras is this studio audience. And they're totally amped up and they laugh and they clap in weird places.

I don't know why, but they do. So you got to do that. So you got to do like two or three of them before you start to get used to that. So I'm thinking, all right, I'm doing panel, this is going to be, this will be easy. I don't have to fucking,

I got another person to bounce stuff off of, blah, blah, blah. But even that came out and it took me a couple of minutes to get going, I thought, or whatever. It took me a minute and a half to kind of feel it out. Oh my God, there's the band over there.

There's Jimmy. Those are my shoes. That's the crowd. How do I do this? Who do I look at? And I don't know. Then I kind of figured it out about a minute and a half in.

So anyway, so I got to do that. There was a little sidetrack there. So I get to do that shit. Right? Do my little Midwest tour. Come back. Oh wait, and then I did opening Anthony and it just so happens when I do opening Anthony,

I go in there two days. One day I go in there. Tony Iomi comes in from Black Sabbath. I got to ask him a couple of questions about John Bonham's bass drum technique. He didn't know, but I still got to ask him. And then two days later, Ace Freely came in from Kiss.

Got to shoot the shit with him. You know? Found out his last name isn't Freely, it's Freely. And that's why it was Freely's Comet, like Haley's Comet. Opie figured that out. Never knew that shit.

Fly back fucking home, come back again, and I get to do Carnegie Hall. I do Carnegie Hall. Then I fucking the next day, I go up to Boston, perform at my old college. They give me some sort of award

for being Comet of the 617 area code. Right? But I'll take it. And then Comet's come home. Just happened to be up the street. They said, hey, somebody dropped out. Why don't you come by?

So I fucking went up there and I did that. Oh, by the way, Robert Kelly, Bobby! What's going on, dude? Bobby Kelly, Robert Motherfucking Kelly, fucking destroyed on the comics come home.

Absolutely fucking destroyed. It was like he wasn't even doing his act. It was like hanging out with Bobby in a fucking whatever, coffee shop or whatever. He was just, he was fucking, it's the funniest I've ever seen him.

I was dying laughing. Then I was like, oh fuck, I got to go on after this. So then anyways, then I'm flying home. Okay. And I'm thinking, all right, the Patriots,

they're going to lose to the Jets. They're going to fucking lose. This defense is horrific. Our offense, our offensive line hasn't been able to block anybody lately. All these douche, I got to text them somebody. Yeah, the Steelers finally figured out Brady.

Oh, did you figure out that if he's on his back, he can't throw a fucking pass you jackass? Did you figure out that if he has a shit defense, and if he's sitting on the sidelines for 17 minutes with his teeth chattering because he hasn't thrown a ball in like 20 minutes, that that's going to fuck with his timing? Absolutely.

Absolutely. But I get it. I understand why you guys are sending. I see through all your emails. All you're saying is, I'm so psyched after a decade of getting ass-raped by that good-looking son of a bitch with the fucking supermodel wife.

I'm so glad we finally put him on his back. I get it. I know what you guys are going through. I dealt with fucking Dan Marino. That tanned-up, glove-wearing son of a bitch used to come up every fucking time, kick our ass, and then you go down,

we go down to the orange bowl, and he'd be even more tan looking like Tony Curtis back there with his fucking Dennis Miller mullet, and he'd be just killing us. I know. I know what you're going through. So I'm sitting, I'm getting on the flight,

like a fucking asshole. I thought the Patriots Jets game was a one o'clock game, so I got myself a five o'clock flight. And, uh, I ended up, uh, realizing as I went down there that it was the eight o'clock game,

and I had a six-hour flight, and basically I was gonna land with, like, fucking five minutes to go. So I'm like, ah, Jesus Christ. You know something? They're gonna get their asses kicked. I just don't believe in their defense. I mean, I think we can go

up against, you know, you know, eight and eight teams and below, and put on a good performance, but I don't see us doing well against the top teams. And despite the Jets record, you know, they still got a great defense, and they did go to the AFC championship

two times in a row. They fucking been there. That's why I knew they were going to kick the bill's ass last week. They fucking been there. They got too much experience, and I was just like, ah, fuck. Well, at least I don't have to sit there

in age 20 years watching this game. And I figured when I landed, everybody was gonna be sending me these text messages saying that the, uh, the fucking Patriots got their asses kicked and fucked on Brady. It's fucking over. Two New York teams in a row. And when I landed, I'm not even gonna lie to you.

I was absolutely stunned that they were winning, just the level that they were winning. So I am not gonna talk shit, because as you heard on my podcast last week, I did not have any faith, and I thought that we were gonna lose. Not only lose to them, I thought the Jets

were gonna win the division. All right? So if I were to go on the podcast this week and start talking shit, you know what that would make me? That would make me like a fucking Yankees fan. Like all those cunts who I didn't hear from

until fucking, you know, since Game 3 2004, and then the Red Sox choked, and they all crawl out of their fucking holes, and then the next week they lose to the Targets in the first round, and then they disappear again. I don't want to be that guy. So, uh, I'm absolutely stunned, the level

fucking defense played unbelievable. All of a sudden we had a pass rush? What happened there? The Jets have some sort of injury on their offensive line? I couldn't fucking believe it. So, anyways, so I really have nothing to complain about.

Everything is just totally worked. I'm almost like, I've had such a great month, I'm afraid to walk out of my house feeling as though a piano is gonna fall on my head just to balance shit out. Um, so, which brings us to Carnegie Hall that I sort of glanced over,

and I don't know how to do this. Um, I guess there was some funny shit happen, but I gotta tell you, I want to thank everybody from the bottom of my heart, first of all, that ever came to one of my comedy shows, that sat there while I sucked and tried to figure out

how to become a comedian, all the way back to 92, right up to everybody who came out to Carnegie Hall, um, last Friday night. It was without a doubt the greatest thing experience I've ever had

as a, uh, since I've been in this business. There's no other way. It's, it was absolutely indescribable. It was, it was, uh, I, I can't even fucking explain it. I, I,

like, I told you guys a couple weeks ago, I stopped looking at the names of the people who performed there, because it was freaking me out. So this is a funny thing. I get Verzi, Verzi! I got Verzi to open for me, and, uh, I had the sensation in the middle.

The teen idol sensation, Joe DeRosa, from the Open Anthony program, um, just back from an extended tour in, uh, Malibu. He was resting up. He was suffering from exhaustion. So,

anyway, so I, I go in and, um, you know, they got all these rules there, because this is like Carnegie Hall, that all these rules, I had a photographer there, but the photographer couldn't go on the stage, and there was just all these, these

fucking rules. So I went in there, like, almost on my heels, like, I don't want to piss anybody off in here, and I walked in there, and, uh, they said, okay, you're, you're up in the Maestro's Suite. Like, if you headline that place, they put you in the place called the Maestro's Suite.

So I go all the way up there. I'm with family and friends. I go up there, and, uh, I feel like I'm going to get in trouble, like I'm describing, like, the fucking seventh floor of the Pentagon here. Um, so I walk

in there, and, uh, this is piano. Piano in this giant, like, this big room, and then there's another room with the classic I'm in showbiz lights going all around the mirror, and then they have all these composers

headshots all around the, uh, the Maestro's Suite, and they're all autographed. And, uh, immediately I felt like I didn't deserve to be there, because not only were they these famous conductors, I didn't know who any of them were.

I was sitting there looking at them, like, oh, yeah, rubbing my chin. Leonard Bernstein was the only one I noticed. The only one that I recognized. And, um, I just, you know, just tried to fucking take

it in, and then they said, hey, you want to go downstairs and look at the stage, and I said, absolutely, and I walked down, took us down the elevator, and they opened the door to go out to the stage, and all you see is the most well-lit stage you've ever seen. I'm just looking through a door,

the average size door that you open, and I'm about 20 feet away when they opened it, so I could see part of the stage, and, like, a sliver of the front row seats, and then, like, all, like, three balconies going up. And it was, I'm not even gonna lie, it was fucking,

took my breath away, and I said, holy shit, and I immediately apologized for cursing, because that's how nice this place, like, I wasn't going to go out there and say, fuck every other word when I do my horseshit of an act, and, um, and I walked out there,

and, uh, I, it's indescribable, absolutely fucking indescribable, and, uh, I just, I can't even, I don't even know why I'm bringing it up, I can't even describe it, it was just, it was fucking

I'd never seen anything like it, it was like I was in Pulp Fiction, I got to see what was in that briefcase, it was like, it was like at that level, I can't even put words into it, so, so then I go back up to the the maestro's suite, I just like saying that, so I'm sitting up there,

and I'm like, hey, is Verzi and Derosa here yet? They're like, yeah, they're downstairs, I go, well, get them up here, get them up here, because I'm not fucking going to be sitting up here, looking at these old fucking silver-haired guys, composers just look angry, in their pictures, they just got that fucking look

on their face, like, I don't know what happened, like they didn't really want to be a composer, but their parents made them do it, it was just creeping me out, and they got all these fucking pictures, anybody post Abraham Lincoln has basically been there, I saw a picture of Mark Twain sitting down

on the stage, listening to somebody else speak, Teddy Roosevelt, Benny Goodman, Duke Ellington, Miles Davis, all the way through all those jazz guys, to the fucking Beatles, Stevie Ray Vaughn made an album, it was overwhelming, so I go, I don't even feel like I'm

worried to be here, what is going to cure this? I know, get Paul Verzi and Joe Derosa in the same room with me, and I'll get my confidence back, so these two jackasses come up there, Derosa is sweating and muttering to himself, Verzi is fucking pacing,

alright, I'm pacing, all three of us are pacing around this room, as we're talking, isn't it amazing to be here, we're all fucking pacing, and then we just started breaking each other's balls about how nervous we were, and then we just started trying to make each other even more nervous,

like I know to say we're nervous, I came walking and I was like, you know guys, if you're ever going to fucking bomb, tonight better not be the night, because you're not getting this one back, this is not the fucking night to bomb, and everybody laughed and then there was that nervous thing,

Verzi's going like, hey you know I go out there, you know what I'm going to do, I'm just going to treat it like Caroline's, I'm going to say what's up to people, I'm going to settle in first, then I'm going to go into my act, yeah that's what I'm going to do, so just to be a douche I go,

really that's what you're going to do, I mean this is what you want to do, he's like, what are you talking about, I got to do it, I would go right into my act, just kind of get home, and you don't go out there and hey what's going on, you're going to start fucking bombing, but you know, but I'm going to get in your head dude if that's what you want to do,

and he's sitting there trying to size me up for half a second, he's just like, you know, he's like, ah go fuck yourself, we basically did that, for a goddamn 45 minutes waiting to go on, I was as nervous as I was the first time I did Letterman, which was one of the most

butterflies I ever had, that nervous yet excited, wanting to run out of the room, yet can't waiting to go on, like that whole fucking push-pull shit going on, so anyways, the show starts, Verzi goes out there,

and absolutely fucking kills, and then he bring, and it's fucking hilarious, dude, with this fucking look on his face, you know, like, the only thing that stopped his fucking lips from going around the back of his head was his goddamn ears,

like, just like glowing, like, you like, I can't explain it, we all look like assholes, Derosa came off, Derosa goes on, he goes out there and immediately starts fucking, oh, you know what really made me relax, Verzi went up,

and he goes, he said something, he goes, hey, give yourselves a round of applause, huh, Bill Burdenight, huh, at Carnegie fucking Hall, the second he did that, I laughed, and I was like, alright, fuck it, now it's just a stand-up show, but, um, Derosa goes out there next,

and with his stupid sport coat on, and everything, you know, which was making him sweat even more, and he went out there, and fucking, absolutely destroyed, he comes back, same stupid fucking look on his face, um, actually, mind me one time, I read about these

divers who used to go into caves under the sea, and they'd get lost, and they would drown under there, and when they would find them, they'd have this ear-to-ear grin, um, I guess when you drown, at the last second, this unbelievable level of dopamine or some shit goes through you, and you get this stupid look on your face,

I don't know if that's true, I don't even know where the fuck I read it, I think I read it on a flight on US, eeeeh, so that was basically, you know, the article made me laugh, as horrific as it was, imagining somebody drowning in an underwater cave, freaking out, not knowing where they're at,

um, but just that dumb smile in their face, it sort of was like, the look people had on their faces was the reverse of that movie, The Ring, rather than your jaw dropping over and it was horrific, just imagine the other polar opposite of smiling, that was basically,

so Derosa comes walking through, and he's got this fucking silly, stupid look on his face, and he's just gonna bring me right up, um, so I'm standing there waiting to go on, and, uh, standing a few feet behind me was, uh,

Louis Ferranda from Carolines, and those guys were the ones who headlined me, when I first came, you know, and I first started doing well in New York, they would headline me, and they had to pull the curtain, you know, to not make the room look so big, and only, you know, 14 people would show up,

and then they dragged like another 20 people tourists off the street to come in and watch my show, so, he was standing there, going like, oh, I was going, Louis, go out in the crowd, he goes, no, no, I want to stand here and watch you go out, I want to watch you go out, right, which was fucking awesome,

you know, Carolines one of the biggest clubs ever, so, they fucking opened the door, called my name, and I walk out, and, I'm not trying to be arrogant here, they were just great fans, everybody fucking stood up,

as I walked out, like I composed some unbelievable song, and, it was fucking, how I didn't just, I know I had that big dumb grin on my face, but how I didn't just, you know, as I was waving, how I didn't just keep,

just get locked in that mode, and just walked right off the end of the fucking stage, is beyond me, um, and I went in, and I, I can't even remember where I started with, I don't remember where I started with, and I just did my shit,

and it slowly became, like a show, just a regular show, where every once in a while, I would just sort of, go and fuck, I'm at Carnegie Hall, and then I'd be like, no, no, no, keep going, keep going, just keep going, because that was the thing, everybody kept going,

you know, make sure you take it in, and that's the fucked up thing about the art of standup, this is like the one art, where you really can't take it in, you can't, because you gotta be focused on what you're doing, you know what I mean, like as a musician, you can end the fucking song,

you can step back, you can tell the story, you can look around, and then you can go into your next song, but that's just bam, bam, bam, next joke, next joke, next joke, so, um, I, I,

I don't know, I did my shit, and it, and it, it just took off, at like minute three, and it didn't stop for, like, and I think I did about an hour and 15 minutes, and I never lost them, it never felt long,

and I ended, and it was a standing ovation again, and it just, uh, was one of the few times of my life that I just felt like, this unbelievable sense of, uh, accomplishment, and it was, um,

I don't know, it was also absolutely hilarious to me, like it, I didn't feel like I should, I felt like, at any second, someone was gonna yank me, like it was a joke, like I won a radio contest to go out there, and then they were gonna yank me off

and bring like fucking some Pavarotti dude out there, so, um, that was awesome, and then in the end I brought Verzi, and DeRosa back out, and everyone's standing up clapping, and we're just sitting there fucking, it was, it was, it was,

I can't even describe it, it was awesome, and it was, it was fucking hilarious, like, where do you go from here? It was ridiculous, and, um, I had this great photographer there, and he actually took photos of me and Joe as we were walking down the street afterwards,

and we were walking home, it's, it's fucking hilarious, the, the absolute look of joy on our face, two miserable comedians, like, I swear to god, we look like we are high, on, like, I don't know what, I'm not a big fucking drug guy,

whatever, high on something, but it was absolutely fucking unbelievable, and, um, I'll never forget it, I will never forget it, I wanna thank everybody, who came out to the show,

and experienced it with me, and fucking, stood up and clapped, which was fucking unbelievable, I will never forget that, ever. I'll be fucking 100 years old, and I will still remember that, like it, like it was yesterday,

it was absolutely unbelievable, it's still one of the few things in my life that is, not only lived up to the hype, it was, it was like way beyond it, like it just, fucking indescribable, indescribable, you know, I don't know what, I have no fucking clue, I don't know where to go from here,

so, there's the Carnegie Hall story, alright, so once again, thank you to everybody, who came out to that show, oh, and if you're wondering, did I record that, yes I did, of course I did, what do you think, I'm an asshole, I'm gonna go there, I'm not gonna record it,

I don't know what I'm gonna do with it yet, because I didn't film it, because it was, it was just, it's Carnegie Hall, and it would have cost me, my life, my first born, to film something there, so,

but to record it, the audio version was only half as much, I'm not even bullshitting you, I think I lost money that night, but I don't give a fuck, I want it, I want it, documented, that this Jack S, who flunked everything in high school, somehow got to fucking do that, so,

so, this is the thing, the, my next stand up special, I'm going to be recording in, in February, the end of February, oh, the first weekend of March, is what I'm gonna be doing, alright, so here's the deal, my act is constantly evolving,

so my act will be one, two, three, four months, really December, yeah, four months older, than it is now, so, it will change 120 days worth, so it won't be the exact, the Carnegie thing, and my special will not

be the exact same, but so much of it, will be the same, that, I, I'm gonna figure out, you know, obviously I'm putting the DVD out, I have to figure out how I'm gonna put out the Carnegie thing, and when, how I'm gonna do it, so it's a way where I don't feel like

I'm fucking you guys over, where I'm putting out two pieces of product with essentially the same um, material, I actually already know how I'm gonna do it, but I'm not gonna tell you guys until I fucking do it, but it's gonna be cool as hell, alright, so there you go,

so let's get back to the podcast, after that very special moment, come on, Carnegie Hall, I had to take a step back, and I gotta tell you, it was fucking awesome to, uh, to share that with Verzi and DeRosa, and seeing those fucking stupid

goofy looks on their face, watching them pace and be nervous, and watching them fucking go out there, and they had all their family and friends, and that's, it was fucking, it was awesome, it was awesome, alright, let's get back to the goddamn podcast, so as I mentioned, I have a brand new website everybody, for some reason I can't get on it right now,

I don't know if they're putting the final touches on it, I don't know if it's cause it moved somewhere else, I don't know if it's cause, I don't know what, you know me, I'm not good with the technology, but here's the deal, uh, it's a fucking awesome site, it's gonna be very interactive,

I'm gonna get the new fucking iPhone, when I don't have to stand in line or fucking order it, I just wanna walk in and buy it, like a goddamn gentleman, alright, what is this, Russia? Go fuck yourself, I walk in, it's supposed to be there, call me, why don't you call me when it's there, alright? Ah, the batteries

crapped out on me, sorry about that, what was I talking about, yeah, this isn't fucking Russia, alright, this isn't some country that I've heard you have to stand in line in, you know, I just wanna walk in and get it, I'm sorry, we don't have it, if you like to order me, we can place in order, Oh, fucking order it yourself,

I don't give a shit, I actually like getting it later, because enough is a problem, other people figure it out with their wallets, you know, all these people, I like when people get like new technology like that, and you can tell that they're just using it in front of you, just to try and show off, like you actually give a shit,

so anyways, my new website, you know, if you send me Twitter's or Facebook, all that shit's gonna be right there on the page, just go to billbird.com, I'm sure it's up by the time you listen to this, it's up there, I got some fancy new photos up there, I got a new bio, I'm gonna start

blogging again, all my podcasts are gonna be there, be there, so you can listen to it, it's gonna be great, and this is the new me, I'm finally gonna embrace this fucking technology shit, but I'm doing it my way, alright, speaking of that,

I am in, what am I, Mac? I have a Word document right now, and I don't know what the fuck I did, I hit something, and they got these little blue things after every line that I write, you know, like I got all this shit that I wanna talk about, like Carnegie, I just make like a set list, just shit,

Carnegie, what do I got else up here? Rope climbing? These fucking blue things, oh here we go, yeah, these fucking blue things, I don't know what it is, I write a sentence, and at the end of the sentence there's these little blue things, marking something, I want them gone,

I don't know how to get rid of them, how do I get rid of them? Come on you techie son of a bitch, just help me out here, what else did I, oh, Neenie Leeks, you guys watch The Real Housewives of Atlanta baby, oh shit it's Real Housewives of Atlanta baby, my girl watches that show,

and there's a girl on there, this girl, Neenie Leeks, she's fucking hilarious, it could probably beat the shit out of me and two of my friends at the same time, she said some shit that just fucking made me laugh my ass off this week, she went down there right, because I guess now she's a reality star,

and judging by the way she's talking about her finances, this girl would like, up before this show, if you gave her a George Foreman grill for her birthday, she would probably faint, because she went in and bought her son a car,

a used car, spent $13,000 on it, wrote a check, and then she started bragging about it on TV, talking about how she was rich, she goes, just bought my baby a $13,000 car, and she goes cash money,

and then she goes, hey haters, and she starts blowing kisses at him, talking about how she's rich, it was fucking hilarious, you know, I don't know a lot about rich people,

but I know there's two things that they don't do, number one, they don't use the expression cash money, and number two, even if they did, they don't fucking buy $13,000 used cars, alright?

Cash money is one of the fucking, is one of those things that lets people know that you have been rich for 10 minutes, what do they call it, they call it new money, not saying that I'm fucking uppercrust, they'd see it through me, just by the way I talk,

the way I say I'm going, doing, I don't pronounce my G's, I never took a fencing class, right? When I go to bang one of their rich daughters and go to dance with her, I don't have a handkerchief to put between my hand and her hand,

I don't know how to do that, so they would see through me, but cash money, that just means you were fucking broke, oh my god, you know what's the dumbest thing you could do with your cash money, is to go out and buy a $13,000 used car with it,

cash money, drove it off the lot, now it's worth $9,000 cash money, I just lost $3,000 cash money, hey haters, hey, you know it's one of my favorite dumb jokes of the year that I heard, have you guys heard that one yet?

What is a gay horse eat? Hey, it always makes me laugh, I don't know why, it just fucking makes me laugh, anyways, let's get to the question, but you got to watch that girl, Nini Leeks, because

there's nothing funnier than watching a girl get punched in the head by another girl, it's brutal when a guy does it, when a girl does it, all of a sudden it's a fair fight, and you get to kind of see what in the back of your psycho head you really want to see, you know, it's Nini Leeks is doing what as a man

you would love to do to some loud mouth fucking whore who won't shut her goddamn yap, you know, but you just got to sit there and take it, because she's got a VJJ, right? Nini Leeks is a superhero for me,

I put on, I will watch that show, I will sit through the dumb fight, and I just hope with every episode, that's what I have Nia do, I just have her, you know, I kind of listen and walk in and out of the room, and I just wait for her to slap the shit out of somebody,

is my face, she grabs their hair, and they don't know how to fight, it's just the funniest fucking thing, she knows how to fight though, like I said, she could kick my ass in her big fucking ghetto heels, and there isn't a goddamn, she would talk to me as she did it, like Ali, and there wouldn't be

a fucking thing I could do about it, but that shit was hilarious, just bought a car, cash money, fucking used car, hey hey, nobody's hating, nobody's hating, alright, did I just say nobody's hating, nah, I feel like a douche,

alright, let's get to the fucking advice and all that bullshit this week, what do we got here, what do we got, what am I, 50 minutes into this thing, alright, only I would follow up a heartfelt story about playing Carnegie Hall, we're talking about some reality

show star, I'm slapping the shit out of some women's, alright, let's do some dilemmas for the week, alright, alright, these are actually getting more and more evolved, a lot of them were sexual, or just disgusting,

very sophomoric, so please try to expand these things, because like I said, all of yours initially were all incestuous and I wasn't going to do those, and then it just became gross out stuff and sex shit, which is still good at this point, I have no problem,

but like I want some a couple ones like this one, this is a great one, here's a dilemma, would you rather give up football or socks, ugh, dude, that is the hardest dilemma that I've been presented with,

I hate wearing shoes or sneakers without socks, I hate when your feet get hot and they start sticking to the goddamn soul, and every time you take a step party, your foot comes up and then it just slaps back down again, your goddamn

shoes start stinking, so that's basically would you rather give up quality of life or the sport you love, and that would mean I couldn't go to football games in November or December,

I'm not wearing any socks, I think I might have to flip a coin on this one, I think I'd have to give up would I give up football, because I could watch all the other sports, but that's the fucking manliest of them all, other than hockey,

oh you fucking cunt, you know what, do I got a coin, I'm gonna go to the fucking coin right now, I'm gonna flip the coin, how about I flip my cell phone, it gives a shit, I'm getting rid of this in two weeks, alright screen side up, I give up socks,

back side up I give up football, and there we go, screen side up I give up socks, oh god that would suck, could I at least wear leg warmers, oh Jesus, that's fucking brutal, a no sock wearing football, watching jackass, that's what I would be,

and I'd have stinky shoes, and that would affect the level of pussy I got, or at the very least, if I'm in a fucking relationship, it would really make her consider cheating on me, or just breaking up with me, okay how much money you make,

if you have stinky shoes, a woman's only gonna put up with that for so long, ugh, be that guy in a flight to take off his fucking shoes, alright son of a bitch, that was a good one, alright would you rather be caught cheating,

or catch your significant other cheating, I'd rather be, depends on what kind of relationship I'm in, if I want to get out of it, I'd rather catch them cheating, if I love the person, oh god, would you rather break her heart,

broken, you motherfuckers are good this week, um, I gotta go selfish, I'm going selfish, fuck that, I would never be able to get over it, a woman can get over it, a guy can't, not say it all the way, but we can't get over that,

I can't get over the fact that somebody entered your fucking body, what did I do, I just stuck my dick in somebody, it didn't, how do you, it didn't mean anything, it just, I, I don't know why, I sound like fucking Ray, oh I don't know, I don't know why, come on,

I'll, I'll, I'll clip the grass, uh, why did I fuck her, um, I apologize for that hacky impression, um, yeah I'd much rather be caught cheating, I think it's more socially acceptable than I've cheated,

I think that it's more socially acceptable that the woman forgives you, I just don't think, I just don't think it's, it's, hey, Nia, what's going on, come on in, lay down here next to the wall, here's one for you, you came in right there in a nice dilemma, I don't have another microphone for you here,

um, oh jeez, so here's one, here's a dilemma for you, would you rather be caught cheating, or catch your significant other cheating, um, oh I see, that's a good one,

I said I went selfish, I'd rather be caught cheating, because I could never handle the fact that someone else, you know, stuck their dingaling in ya, I would rather catch you cheating, you'd rather catch me cheating, oh you're an angel, why, because you know what the guilt,

is you know what, that I'd fucking dump your ass, what, why, why don't I just ask why, why would I rather, yeah, I would rather be in that situation, than be caught cheating, because you're an angel, you'd rather, you don't want to be a piece of shit,

exactly, you're just a better human being than I am, I thought you were like, I thought you were giving me the green light, I thought I saw you waving me around third base, alright, would you like the green light, you know what, every couple of years,

but you know what, you could be in the other room, and if it sounded like we were going too far, you'd be like, hey, hey, hey, hey, none of that, none of that, alright, here we go, alright, here, I just saw a good one, alright, here's one for you,

would you rather be fluent in all languages, or master, every musical instrument, ooh, would you rather be able to talk to the world, yeah, I think fluent, fluent in all languages, yeah, yeah, yeah, definitely,

alright, I'm going selfish again, yeah, I know you'd want to, I'd rather, I'd be a master of every musical instrument, and then I would, I would communicate through my instruments, and I would get Bangladesh pussy, if you can play the guitar, fuck that, you can,

yeah, you can get, you can get laid, all over the world, if you can play a guitar, and then if, even if you're singing, and then if you're singing a language, singing a different language, as much as you love me, if some French guy was out there with a guitar,

and he was going, frérajaca, frérajaca, dormez vous, you would be fucking looking out the window, I would, hi Jacques, and then I'd be like, bonjour, yes you would, bonjour, you could be sleeping with me,

and we just exposed ourselves for being surrounded by water, over here in the Americas, we don't know anything, unless you sang it, you know what, alright, let's do one more dilemma, alright Bill, if your pasty ass ever got sent to prison, would you wait to get shanked,

or just hang yourself, and yourself, you know what I love, I love that they didn't even entertain the fact that I could somehow survive in there, I think you could actually survive in there, I do, I think you have enough anger,

so that if someone were to fuck with you, you would like, you know, mess them up in front of everybody, thus gaining the respect, I think you'd obviously make everyone laugh, I would be afraid of the Aryan nation wanting to recruit you.

Alright, hang on a second, first of all, you obviously haven't watched any of those national geographics behind prison walls, I'll tell you this, if I went to white-collar prison, where you get to play ping-pong with Bernie Madoff, I think I could actually survive in that one,

I'll tell you, no, I actually, every guy, that's the biggest, is the biggest fucking fear, going to jail, and becoming somebody's bitch, alright? That, like if they have it, if they, oh, look at you, look at you,

you think you got me fucking wrapped around your finger? Whoops. See that, see what they do, when you finally tell them that you love them, then they throw at your fucking face. What is, what is wrong with you? You were so cute five seconds ago, now I just, I want to mush your face

into the rug, um, anyways, oh yeah, if I was in a white-collar prison, I could survive that, but, okay, so the biggest fear of a guy, like if they haven't did the family feud, what is the biggest fear a guy has? And then, and the guy goes getting raped and being somebody's

bitch, getting raped and being somebody's bitch, dang it be number one answer, do you want to play, you want to pass, let's play motherfucker, and then we, uh, coming home and seeing my, uh, wife sucking my best friend's dick. Okay, good answer, good answer.

Coming home seeing your wife sucking your best friend's dick, dang, number two. And then you always have the one weirdo in your family. Okay, what is the number one fear that a man can have in life? Okay, um, um,

I'm gonna say, God, you guys used all the good ones. Um, having somebody borrow a tool and not put it backward blocks. And then we'd have to sit there and be like, you know, that dumb shit,

hey, good answer, good answer. Good answer, good answer. Um, all right. What is a man's fear? Not being able to get it up? Okay, getting raped in prison. Being that person. Yeah, having to tie off your shirt at the waist

and be like, hi! Brutus! Being that guy. Um, not being able to get it up. Uh, not being able to provide for your family. Um,

what else? Well, let's just do me, uh, women. Women not fucking, uh, marriage failing. Then there's overlap ones that you guys fear. I don't know, let's not turn this into some psychology thing. I don't need to do this.

I'm trying to be funny here. I don't know, let's get back to this thing. There's a question for you guys this week. Give me your, uh, let's do the family fucking feud. Top 10, uh, your top 10 fears. I want to hear them. And then maybe we'll do like a little survey.

And then I'll get sued by that show. And then they'll realize I'm not making any money on the podcast. All right, Bill, if you pasties ever got sent to prison, would you wait to get shanked or just hang yourself in your cell? Um, I couldn't hang myself. I couldn't kill myself.

Um, I don't know what I would do. I would probably I don't know what I would do. I would, I would, you know, something I would join the Aryan nation. That's what I would do. I'd have to, I'd have to fucking I got to do something. I would car, I would

take, I'd take, I'd take a fucking in the cafeteria. I'd take one of the plastic forks and I'd cover swastika right between my eyes. Just like, like Charles mansion shave my head. Uh, I don't know.

And I would, and I would fucking I would just walk up Sieg to all those fucking dudes and just try to be like, yeah, these fucking Jews. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Look at those. Look at those goddamn Puerto Ricans over there other Mexicans. Whatever. I don't care. I would, I would go, I would say over the top racist shit.

And that, that's what I would do. Yeah. Yeah, but I'm already going to get the shit kicked out of me. Come on, Nini. Come on. I'm in good shape. I'm exotic with my red hair. Yeah. Yeah.

I'd be a little blue-eyed bitch in there. I'd have to do. I, I have no, I have no about as exotic as a grilled cheese sandwich. Hey. Yeah. Out here. That's fucking hilarious.

Out here. I am, but in prison in present prison, I immediately become like some Brazilian bitch just walking down like, you know, think there's other blue-eyed white guys in prison, possibly with red hair, red-haired guys. I have watched

those, those sit over here near the mic. I have watched those things repeatedly, those prison things. I have never seen anybody who looks like me occasionally. I saw one red-headed dude. He was a little fucking, you know, 12-year-old kid and he killed another

like fucking four-year-old. There was almost two young to kill things I watched. Yeah. He had really weird ears. That's why he did it. No, no. He looked like that. Somebody boxed his ear like, like, he had cauliflower ears. He looked like the Hulk boxed his ears,

but they didn't become cauliflower. They just got dented on. He had dented ears. So, um, long story short, he was a little red-headed and, uh, so he went in there. He fucking killed this kid. And it was so horrific, they sent him to a real person prison and, and, and he, no,

big boy, yeah, big boy. Not, not, not the daycare. And he fucking, uh, he shaved his head. He, she got to. You can't walk around looking, it's outie-dootie time. Who's gonna fuck me in the ass?

Is it your turn or his? There's nothing I can do. I'm gonna be a racist. You know, they just get, I would just have to do, I got to fall in with somebody. You know? I can't pull off the, uh, I'm down home boy shit. You know?

I always wonder how I would do in a woman's prison. I don't think I do very well. I don't think they appreciate, you know, snappy, clever, nerd-like behavior. No, you wouldn't. I wouldn't, I wouldn't last a day.

You, you would be staring at a twat in about fucking eight minutes. Some real manly looking chick who's running shit. And then her, and then her, her bottom bitch would get jealous after you're done doing that. Scratch my face off. Scratch your fucking face off. They don't like pretty girls. Yeah, but you're, you're a fucking

psycho though. You're a fucking psycho. You throw a good punch. You just have to commit to it. Your problem is just like me. You've never crossed that fucking line. You just, you just never did. You just never did. So you're so not fucking prepared. And not to mention,

I had, I had somebody one time we were watching the UFC. I've told this before in the podcast, we were watching the UFC and this is just one of those guys St. Pierre, one of these guys, just, just physical specimen standing up, throwing hands, kicking on the ground, choking out, just no matter where you went, as long as

you didn't have a fucking weapon, this guy would fuck you up knees, elbows, right? God damn, anything. You could throw it. You'd fuck you up. And I was joking. Go look at these, these guys unrapeable. Fucking that, like they got to that level. Unrapeable. Yeah, that's the highest level belt you can get

in martial arts is fucking unrapeable. And I was talking to this dude, he was like, nah, they'd still get a guy like that. I go, how? He goes, eh, you know, they gang up on you. They, they put shit in your food. They drug your food. If they really want to get you, they, they'll drug, and I drug your food. And I can't even tell

you how deflated of a feeling I felt when they told me that even the champions of the UFC, if they wanted to, they could get to them. That's how fucking hardcore prison is. So, um, what would I, I don't know what I would

do. No, no, no, you know what we'd have to do? We have to do something so crazy and like violent that they put us in solitary. Yeah, but you know what I would do? I would attack a guard. I would attack a guard. There you go. Because they're not going

to, uh, they're not going to rape me. They're just going to beat me up. I'll take the beat now. But then even then, if I attack the guard for half a second, they'd be like, oh, look at this crazy son of a bitch. But then when I started making those little girl noises, when I took

my first Rodney King beating, oh my god, it would be stop it, I'm right, I'm right, I'm right. When I was doing that I'd get my ass kicked and then I'd get raped when I came out. Yeah. No one is unrapeable.

No one is unrapeable. You know something, I think we might end the podcast on that. I think, I think we learned something today. In this crazy world we live in people, you have to tell people you love them. You have to enjoy every day because nobody

is unrapeable. It's one of this harshest truths. That's what ends your childhood, the day you realize that this is really something that's so fucking true, it's not even funny. We gotta end something happier than that. I actually

told this really nice story about doing Carnegie Hall and how awesome was it? It was amazing. You got a standing ovation when you came out as well as when you left. I told him, it was fucking unbelievable. Greatest, greatest. I've never seen that before actually.

I don't know, I can't even talk about it. All right, overrated. I can't talk about it. Overrated. Relationships. I really want to read this one with you here. Can you come near the microphone and be a friggin professional in this unprofessional show?

Why are you wearing moccasins? They're my slippers. They're moccasins. Yeah, moccasins slippers. Woo! You got a little Indian blood and you don't. Yes, you do. I have like one

16th You get it? Nothing? I get nothing on that? That was stupid. You know what? Ah, go fuck yourself. Here we go. Relationships. So,

sure they can be good, but are they ever great? Every married guy I know reminisces about his days as a single man. Married guys warn single guys not to get into relationships. They warn guys with girlfriends to never under any circumstances

get married. This is all true. When you're single you can do whatever the fuck you want. Whatever you want without first wait a minute I'll get this closer. Without first filtering your decisions through the desires of a chick who probably doesn't even know what she wants most of the time and is motivated

by the world view of sex in the city. Wow, this person sounds like a real prize. But this is true though. This isn't all women. A lot of women are fucking idiots. Just like guys. Wouldn't you say most guys are fucking idiots? I would actually. Aren't most people fucking idiots?

Listen, we're all rapable. But when we're talking all I know is that no one is unrapeable. Let's continue. I am as exotic as a grilled cheese sandwich. I think that might be an instant classic. There wasn't even tomato

in that sandwich, was there? Even when the chicks get what they think they want they're usually still miserable. That's how stupid most of them are. Now he's in my school. He's in my quad. I like this guy. You're never going to make them happy.

So why even try? Not being constrained by a relationship is one of the greatest things of all time. It's a man's world. Women need more. Women need more than men need women. Most men can thrive alone. Most women can't. He's young.

He can tell he's young. Women are still looking at him. He's a fucking idiot is what he is. No he isn't. He's learning. I was this guy. Then you realize at some point you're old and women don't care anymore. So you got to grab one and just hang on to him.

Drag him down with you. Most women can't. Ask any honest bisexual girl with a man. Every time I think he's gone as far as he's going to go he keeps going. I love him. Enjoy being single unless you're a total fucking failure

of a man. You'll almost always be able to get a girlfriend if you really want one. Realize if you're past a certain age dude there's a certain amount of money you have to be making for that to continue to happen. There's a fucking sadness to that life that I can't

even begin to describe. Realize what a blessing your freedom is and never allow desperation to put you in chains. He's making some good points here. He definitely has some issues with women. Some issues with women? But there's a lot of truth in that Nia. Enjoy dying alone asshole.

Hey, hey, hey. Well? Basically what you just said was that you're a dumb girl. Why? Because that's what he was attacking. What do you mean? Why am I dumb? We were almost out without an argument. But why am I dumb?

Because he's attacking women whose worldview comes from sex in the city. Okay. So somehow you got offended by that. First of all, he's not just attacking women whose worldview is sex in the city. Oh, I think he is. He's attacking all women. Read what he said. Oh, I know. He didn't say some women. He said all of them.

He was just being silly. No. You're right. You're right. Fuck that shit. Fuck it. Fuck you. No, his mother never hugged him. He's got issues. Well, that's not our fault. What do you mean? Don't drag me into this. I relate to this guy. I'm saying are as women. I'm speaking as women.

Why don't you just speak for yourself, you fucking delusional jackass? Who elected you? You did. I'm sitting here, aren't I? I didn't say to represent all women's. I'm not representing all women's. But I think I can say with the clarity that most

smart women who see this would be like, go fuck yourself, you douche. Can I just make a comment about the whole this is unmarried thing. The grass is always greener on the other side. Single people who are alone look at couples and they get a little twinge of like, oh, that's nice.

I wish I had somebody to come home to at night that has my back no matter what. That's what you're missing. You short-sighted moron. Is that you've got somebody who's there with you, who's going to take care of you, who's going to love you and protect you and have your back. It's not just about like being with someone

just to be with someone. We got it. Listen. Why can't I respond to this person in the way that I want to? Because you're being mean. This podcast. I'm being mean? This email is ridiculous. This guy's crying out for help. Whatever. Fine. Go on.

This podcast is not about being mean and taking shots of people who can't defend themselves. I thought that's exactly what it was. It took you long enough to figure that out. All right. No, but there's a great truth in what he's saying here is that a lot of people

just jump in a relationship, jump in a relationship, jump in a relationship and it's like relationships are fucking difficult. Yes. Okay. So you better pick the right person or you're going to be fucking miserable. So you are better off to be single and lonely rather than just being in some shit

to just being some shit so you got somebody to fucking make brownies with. That's what he was trying to say. That's true, but he didn't say that. Most chicks are going to be miserable anyway and they all have this stupid world view. That's true. Most women are going to be miserable

and they're never going to be fucking happy. Okay. And what are you basing this on? You know something, you guys always say a good man is hard to find. That works both fucking ways. I understand that. Well, this motherfucker hasn't found the one yet. So he's going, he's dating a bunch of... So he's blashing out at everybody

because he can't seem to figure out how to make a relationship work and he can't find the value in the relationship so automatically it's not valuable. First of all, the only person lashing out is you right now. Well, I'm annoyed at this. You've completely lost your temper. There's a guy here. He writes in. He's looking for a little bit of goddamn guidance.

He wants some advice. He got it. He's fucking hilarious. Alright, let's wrap this up here. Alright. Oh, by the way, YouTube video of the week, I actually forgot to send this to my guy. Speaking of a man's world, I just remembered that. If you want to see one of the greatest fucking...

Oh, yeah. Go see. Would you please talk it to the mic? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Am I on by yellow? Oh, jeez. I wanted to do that. I wanted to do the yellow cover

instead of going, oh, yeah. I was going to go, oh, jeez. How can we do that? Well, we'd have to pay for the rights of it. Oh. Crazy online hacker figure out how to do it. Yes. Somebody do that, alright? I'm going to give you a clean version

of, oh, jeez, that you could then fuck with in your own audio way, alright? Oh, jeez. Do you need a longer one for that one part where he goes, oh, I'll give you a longer one. Oh, jeez. This podcast has gone off the rails. That was good.

Alright, underrated. Underrated, showing off. What's the... This guy's the same guy. Underrated, showing off. What's the best that can happen? You blow people's fucking minds. Look like a god among mortals

and an alpha fucking male. What's the big fear? Totally fucking up? Why? That can still be awesome. Still be awesome. Look at Evil Can Evil, one of the greatest show-offs of all time. You've fucked up big several times. If you totally fuck up

while trying to show off, at least you give people a hilarious story of how you failed while trying to be a badass. The worst thing that you can do is only succeed a little bit. If you're going to show off, either nail it or fuck it up completely.

There can be no middle ground. You either need to blow people's fucking minds or you need to get them a hilarious failure anecdote. Either way, act like a man. If you nail it, look smug and cocky as fuck, like the superior human that you are.

If you fail big, laugh your ass off and still act cocky. At least you tried. Most of them are too cowardly to even try it. I agree with that. See this guy? I'm telling you right now. This guy could chat you up in a bar in a fucking second. Nope.

No, no, it's because you know all that other stuff. Yeah, he could. I have good bullshit to talk about. Nah, bullshit. Nah, I'm saying that you won't... I'm not even going to get into it. Alright, overrated. Andrew Luck. That's right. Give up. No, because I would fucking...

It's not worth it. It's not worth it. It's fourth and two. I know I could get it. I'm up by 37. I don't give a fuck. Oh! The YouTube video of the week. This is the last thing I'm going to end right now. YouTube video of the week.

It's been around singing It's a Man's World with Pavarotti. One of the most gangster things you're ever going to fucking watch. And I never used the word gangster, but it's totally, totally necessary. And it marries... With Pavarotti it was? It was fucking on...

It basically marries all the cool fucking black street shit with all the Italian mob movies. It's the greatest mashup ever and it's not a mashup. These guys are old school. Rather than having some guy do it on a fucking laptop.

They went out and did the shit themselves. And you see James Brown at one point after he sings all that shit about it being a man's world and then Pavarotti starts singing that opera over the top of it. At one point even James Brown just shakes his head like this is the shit. This is the shit.

You get James Brown to do that? Forget it. It's the greatest thing ever. So check that out. That's it for this week. That's the podcast. Again, from the bottom of my heart, thank you to anybody who ever came out to my shows. The entire time, my phone's ringing, the entire time that I've ever done stand up

that helped lead up to that night at Carnegie and thank you to everybody who came out to the show and everybody who works with me and fucking fights it out with the promoters and all that type of shit. Thank you so much from the bottom of my heart. I will never forget it.

Best fucking week ever. That's it. That's the podcast. Go fuck yourselves. See you next week.