Monday Morning Podcast - Puking, An Irish Tale, Sports Gossip | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 7-2-26

Episode Date: July 2, 2026

Bill rambles about puking, an Irish tale, and sports gossip.(00:00) - Thursday Afternoon Podcast (39:16) - Thursday Afternoon Throwback 7-2-18 - Bill rambles about College, Stand Up, and white guys on bicycles. Thursday Afternoon Interlude: Elvis - That's Alright Mama (Live at Madison Square Garden)Fast Growing Trees: Listeners get 20% off their order with code BURR at http://www.FastGrowingTrees.com Gusto: Try Gusto today at http://www.gusto.com/BURR, and get three months free when you run your first payroll. Helix: Go to http://www.HelixSleep.com/burr for 20% off sitewide.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Oh, look who it is, everybody. Meandis, meandies, why don't you change your drawers? Do do do do, do. Meyndies, meondies, you're smelling like a bunch of whores. All right, sorry. Meandies, everybody. You know, there's a certain confidence that comes with knowing you look good, even before you leave the house.

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With more than 30 million pairs sold in 90,000 five-star reviews guys everywhere are making the switch right now as a listener of my show you can get up to 50 off their subscribe and save deal and if you don't love it get your money back at meundies.com slash burr b-r promo code burr b-r that's up to 50% off their subscribe and save deal and if you don't love it you get your money back what are you going to bitch about at meundies dot com slash burr promo code Burr. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcast and I'm just checking in on you. Woo! Hey, man. Sorry, I was, I was AWOL on Monday this week. That's the first Monday I've missed in a long, long time. I apologize.

I'm doing this movie here. I got to let this fly out. This fucking fly here. What are you doing, buddy get out get out be free go bug somebody else all right um i've been doing this movie and uh they're kind of shooting me out of it this week so i've been in every scene and i just i didn't have the time and then i i fucking caught the stomach flu look at old billy excuse is here i caught the stomach flu like monday night i wake up at like three in the morning and i'm just feeling this weird feeling in my stomach and i'm like you know i don't really eat any sugar or whatever but i'm over here and, you know, one of the writers and his wife made these raspberry coconut cookies, the little shortbread things, and I was just like raspberry and coconut.

Oh, my God, that takes me back to Ben and Jerry's 25 fucking years ago. For like a minute, they had this raspberry coconut limited edition, Pina Ice Cream. And I remember I thinking, like, when I saw it, I was like, I love coconut. You know, coconut's very divisive. It's like pineapple on a pizza. People either like it or they don't, anchovies and coconut, right? And I love coconut. And I fucking, I never heard of raspberry coconut as a combination.

So I got the pint of ice cream and I put a spoon in it and that was it. I finished the thing. So I was like, fuck. And I didn't know they had like the limited addition ones, limited runs. You know, like how they do with everything. Everything now, everything from fucking ice cream to Pokemon cards. They just try to make it limited. So it just adds value because they're not going to make enough.

Like Rolex watches. Like Rolex watches. You used to just be able to go into a jewelry store. If they had them, you'd be like, hey, I want to buy that watch. And they would be like, okay. And then you just bought it. They wouldn't be in the window and be like, yeah, no. No, yeah, yeah, you know, no.

We just wanted to have you. your tongue hanging. And also, like, the fucking watches, like, they weren't what they are now. Like, I remember, like, I worked in a warehouse, put this way, I worked in a warehouse and, or a wow, there's one guy used to say with his accent, a warehouse. And, uh, I used to work full-time and I would make like 260 bucks a week take home. And I think like an entry level Rolex was like $1,200. So, I mean, that was still, hey man, it was a lot of bread. Okay. But like, it wasn't like the disparity, you know, before the Silicon Valley Robert Barron's era that we're in now where like, you know, one guy has a fucking trillion dollars and everybody else could eat a dick. Like, it wasn't the way it was.

So anyway, the fuck did I start talking about watches? I'm talking about ice cream. No, I'm not. I'm talking about stomach flu. So I ended up, I got that pine of ice cream. And then I went back the next, like two days later, I got another one. then they just discontinued it. And I had never seen raspberry and coconut anything since then.

It just disappeared for my life like a fucking bad father. And so I was on set and they had them and I was just like, oh shit, I got to try those. And I told them they were, oh my God, they were fucking delicious. So anyway, you know, I don't even, you know, my old Billy stays away from the sugar. I don't want to be old Billy fucking pasty freckle tits over here. You know, I do the push-ups. You know, you got to keep your chest right. Can't have bigger boobs than your wife.

Just can't have it. So that night, at like three in the morning, Oh, Billy Redface fucking wakes up, and there was something going on with my stomach, and it just felt like when I have too much sugar, that's how my stomach feels. Like, oh, this is weird or whatever. And then I went, kind of had a problem going back to sleep,

went back to sleep like around 4.30, and then I woke up at like 6.30. I forget when my call was. It was probably, you know, 6.37 in the morning. and I woke up and then I felt like, oh no, oh, fuck, right? Like, what is going on? And I start feeling like my belly starts going like, like, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Like, oh, shit. And, dude, whatever was in my body was trying to get out, without being graphic, with any way it possibly could. and yeah i was you know remember back in the day football players starting both ways football you know playing offense and defense that was going on this was coming out of my body both ways and i swear to god there's something about throwing up that has always made me laugh in the middle of it just the sounds i'm making it just you know what's the best is right before you puke, like, it's almost like a DJ when they, like,

bach, baca, baca, baca, before they go into the fucking song, you don't quite fucking puke. Those are the ones that make me laugh. And then, I don't know if you guys know this about me, you know, I don't mind puking. I've never had a problem with it. You always feel a thousand times better when you puke. People don't want to do it because it's fucking gross. But like, if you just remember how you're going to, what your body's doing, it understands this. something in there and it's got to get the fuck out of there i don't like the other i if i had to choose

between having the shits and pukin i'll take pukin all fucking day long you know pukin's easy hey hold on a second into the shrubs you're back you can jump back into the conversation you know what i mean oh grand you need a breath mint um so anyway that was going on like all fucking morning and my wife is just hearing it so she's going like can you call in sick and i'm like honey i am in every scene today i can't it's not that's not how this works you know and it's like you're we're on a location we have it for a certain amount of days i i have to go in i was like i'm going to be all right because every time i something happened i felt better after i was and i felt like okay that was the one that was the one i didn't know i was going to keep getting

sicker. So I got to the set and I let him know what was going on and you know they had a bucket ready and all of that and but the nurse she came on and she gave me two pills to just stop what was happening, which it did, which is great because then I was able to I was able to shoot all day. I mean I felt horrible. I had no fucking energy or whatever but like I was able to get through the day and then when I got home it was so funny I get home and uh the drugs were wearing off whatever charcoal and shit that they gave me were wearing off and I came walking in and uh my wife had made like steak frets or whatever and I came walking in and I just smelt the grease this is so embarrassing my kids like daddy hey how you doing and I just went hey I

I started dry. It's like, I have to get out of it. No, I smelt it. I didn't dry even for a little. I just said, I got to get out of this room. I can't smell that. And he was going like, you're feeling okay? And I fucking got out of there.

And I go to the, I'll be all right in the bedroom if I can't, if I can't, and that's when I, and she went, oh, Jesus Christ. And then I went in there. And, you know, exorcist again. And then I felt great. And I was like, okay, I think I puked it out of me. I was like, I know this is gross, but whatever. I was like, all right, I think it's out of me.

And I'm fine now. And then I laid down and I got in bed, which, by the way, I love being sick. You know, because I work every fucking day because I'm a lunatic. And I'm in this business and I just, I don't know what. You just start marching down this road. you all by yourself and you know nobody gives a fuck about your dream except you so you got to keep it going forget about them when you get a wife and kids you just feel like you keep going so the only time i really take time off is when i get sick which is i know something i got to work on so i was like all

i'm sick i can just fucking lay down guilt-free and not worry that i'm not working or you know playing with the kids are doing something right so i just lay down and then all of a sudden i start getting the chills. And once again, my lovely body, like there's nobody better in the world. Like there's nobody better when I get sick. She is just like all over me. Like I always feel it she loves me. When I get sick, I really feel it.

So it was kind of a nice thing. Maybe that's another reason I like being sick. So I just start getting the chills. and then she goes, you have a fever. And I go, no, I don't. I'm freezing. She goes, Bill, that's what happens. And I guess what happens is it's your muscles contracting and they're creating this energy, I guess,

so your body heats up and it can essentially kill what's inside of you. So that was the information that we got because she was going, let's give you a Tylenol, P.M. And someone was like, no, he's got to go through this so it kills what's in him. which I was totally all right with because I'm big on that like if I get a cold

I don't take that shit that dries up your nose it's like it's trying to get it out of you got to let your body do what it does so I was just like no fucking I'm gonna ride this shit out and I mean I was shaking like I had the fucking DTs

but I don't know eventually I fell asleep that was Tuesday all day Tuesday and then I woke up Wednesday and I felt like a million bucks didn't have a fever I went through it, whatever was in me was gone.

But then I just had it, you know, when you just don't eat for a whole day, how your stomach's all fucked up when you first start to try to eat and you dehydrated and all of that shit. So yesterday was that. And then today I was back on my goddamn feet. And I just basically did the last big scene out here. We're in this fucking crazy town north of Belfast. I don't know.

I'm not going to say the name of the town because it reminds me of like East Boston and Revere when I was a kid in like the 80s where there's the core is a bunch of good working class people, but there's a bunch of shady people. There's a bunch of shady shit going on. You can just feel it, man. But, I mean, half the people I saw up here

should have been in the movie. Everybody was looking at going, look at that fucking guy. Let's get that guy in the movie. That guy looks amazing. I mean, I wouldn't want to be in business with him, but that guy looks amazing. So anyway, we just did the thing. And I kind of realized, like, how my whole process, whenever I have an acting gig, the first thing I have all his anxiety before I do it, you know, I'm going to suck.

They're going to tell me you're fired. My career's going to be over. And then after I do a couple takes, I settle into the movie. or whatever the acting gig is. And then somewhere in the middle of it, if it's a longer shoot, that's when, after I've settled into it,

in the middle of it, I start to lose hope. It was like Broadway. You know, like I was thinking, oh my God, this is going to, I'm going to fuck this up, I'm going to get fired, I'm going to get replaced.

And then we started doing it. And then it was amazing, and it was exciting. And that was like the first three, three, four weeks. And then when you're in the middle of doing a hundred and something shows, there's somewhere where it just starts to feel like Groundhog Day and it starts feeling endless. And then that's when you start, like, losing hope and start wondering, why did I ever get into this business? Remember I worked in a warehouse? I did 40 hours.

I did eight-hour days. I had a half-hour lunch. It was a full half-hour. We never worked through lunch. Then Friday came a long, Thursday, you got the paycheck, you were fucking psyched. Friday, everybody was in a good mood. And then I didn't have to think about shit over the weekend. It wasn't my company, you know, when you just start thinking, why the fuck did I ever get into this business? And then when I get to the end of the movie,

which is like today and tomorrow, then I get like antsy. And then I have to fight like, hey man, you still have to be this character. You know, you can't be mentally. on the flight home. And then the final thing is on the flight home, you know, then I'm actually sad thinking about all the people I met

and how much I loved working with them on the way home. That's how I used to do it. And now I'm learning to, I still freak out before I do it, but I'm starting to learn how to like enjoy it as it's going along. Like this is probably, one of the most fun gigs I've had,

which is amazing to me, because I've gotten to do, you know, all of this cool shit. And every time I think, like, you know what, maybe that was it. Maybe that was the last fucking cool thing, you know? Not like I'm going to complain.

I've had this great career, but then, like, something else comes along. So, um, anyway, I can't talk too much about this, this, what exactly this movie's about. When the time is right, um, I will promote it. But, uh, anyway, I got one more.

more day on this thing. So anyway, I've been fucking locked in doing this shit, so that's why I haven't had a chance. But I have to tell you, man, it has been so goddamn fascinating being here in Northern Ireland. You know, I heard about some of the stuff going on. But I never really understood, like, the mix of people that were up here. I always thought it was all Irish up here.

And it was just Irish Protestant. and Irish Catholics going at it. I didn't realize there was English people, Scottish people, like, actually, like, you know, I don't know if they emigrated over. They must have if they came over here.

And that was sort of another spice added into that thing. And there was all of this stuff that if you were Catholic, I'm just starting to learn about it, so I don't know all of the facts, but people were just picking up bits and pieces that, like, you know, just the same gerrymandering

with the fucking, you know, trying to make sure that the, you know, the Protestants got more of the vote and the Catholics didn't or something like that. You know, there's always like the person on top and then like the underdog, the typical shit. But anyway, so I get, like, I get these, these patches everywhere I go when I travel, you know what I mean? Back in the day, people used to put them on jackets and stuff, but I just sort of keep them because I'm not into clutter, and it's a nice small thing that I got there. And I also like, I'm into the flags and all of that stuff. So, um, club soda Kenny got me one. And it's a shamrock with a red hand on top, almost like it's saying stop.

So I was thinking like, it was called the red hand of Ulster. So I was thinking like, oh my God, is that like the English Protestants, almost like literally saying, hey, Irish people, you're not going to stop having any fun, you know, while we're here. But of course, you know, it isn't that. What it has to do with is this old, like, I don't know what you would call it, like a fable or some shit like that. I don't know what. But I'm trying to find it here for you. Or the severed hand. That's what it's called. The severed hand of Ulster. So here's the legend. It says the origin of the tale describes a race across the sea to claim the territory of Ulster. The first chieftain to touch the shore would become the ruler.

This sounds very familiar where like they had everybody go west. They wanted all the white people to go west, knowing that they were going to get into conflicts with the Native Americans. They would have a fight. You know, some white people would die, and then the powers would be, they're savages and then justify murdering them. So anyway, the first chieftain to touch the shore would become the ruler. And it says, seeing his rival's boat ahead, a chieftain severed his own hand and threw it onto the beach, touching the land before his opponent and securing the kingdom.

So that's where it starts. I don't know what it means now, metaphorically, if you look at it. But anyways, I thought that that was interesting. And also that, you know, they shot a lot of Game of Thrones, which I got to watch that series. I forget what I was watching at the time. And then I got overwhelmed because it became such a huge hit. And by the time I was going to get into it, I was like two or three seasons behind. And they're like hour-long, you know, episodes and shit.

And I had kids at that point. It's just like, man, I, you know, and they were little too. So like, you know, you got little kids. The second they go to sleep, you go to sleep. So it takes you like a week to watch one fucking episode. So I just never got around to it. But anyway, I've been watching some of the World Cup. I got to get caught up on MotoGP.

I do want to say congratulations to Ayah, the first Japanese MotoGyP rider to win a MotoGP race in 22 years. I was telling you guys last week, I mean, it was a no-brainer that this kid and Pedro Acosta, when Pedro gets, you know, on a bike that's at his skill level. I mean, it's like these two kids are going to be the future, and they are fearless. They're amazing. I mean, I saw some of the highlights, and a girl was holding off Mark Marquez,

who's essentially healthy on a Dukadi. I mean, that's the real fucking deal. And he's been, like, on the podium, the last couple, two or three races. So I couldn't be more happy for him. It's great for the sport. I know he's got all of Japan watching. My condolences to Japan, I saw when they lost that game in like the final fucking seconds. Basically an extra time they lost.

And to Brazil, which is obviously nothing to be ashamed of. But that kid who gave away the ball in me, oh, my God, crying his eyes out. But I saw a bunch of games like that. I watched another one. I watched South Africa. What was it? Was it tied one to one? Or was it, I think it was zero to zero against Canada.

And then like in the 91st minute or something like that, Canada scored. It's just like, fuck. But anyway, it's been amazing. It's been really cool to see the World Cup in the United States. And shout out to the Argentina fans. Did you see that clip where they found somebody's wall? and they started chanting the person's name in the wallet. And one guy who had the wallet got up on his shoulders

and they were just chanting this guy's name, holding the wallet up. And then the guy ends up hearing his fucking name. You know, he's fucking, I just lost my wallet. Thank God I got it back. Thank you to everybody in Belfast. Whoever that was that returned it, he hears his name and he goes over there

and the guy's holding up his wallet and he gives it to him. Then they're all like, yay, you know. It's great, man. The energy of this thing, really cool. It's really cool, you know? And I actually think that the energy of the World Cup and the respect the fans have had with each other is that's actually the real world. You know, like the Internet is fake and then there's the real world. I actually think the energy of the World

Cup and how regular people treat each other, that's the real deal. And all of this nationalism and fucking racism and all of this crap, all the fucking lately do like, am I said me or is this white premise shit, really seeping in to a lot of areas, you know, entertainment, sports, you know, it's fucking, it's fucking crazy. Like, the internet has like radicalized people and everybody can only see the other side being radicalized. And it's like, guys, we've all kind of lost our fucking minds. Being on the internet and being on social media and reading comments and everything being politicized, we've all lost our fucking minds. During that pandemic,

we all lost our fucking minds. People who weren't being doctors were acting like doctors. They came up with a vaccine super quick and then people were like, you're going to take this thing or you're going to get fired. Both sides went fucking ape shit.

But neither side can admit that because everybody wants to be fucking right. But we should all collectively be like, hey, you know, maybe we should all fucking settle down. Maybe, you know, live and let live fucking relax make the world fun again you know

enjoy watching like New York Nick fans getting excited getting her first champion that was a fucking great thing to see you know I don't know just my own two cents here

but anyways I apologize for you know not doing the podcast on Monday but you know I'm kind of schedule did not permit here

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Okay, so anyway, that's the podcast, everybody. I hope you enjoyed it. I hope you had a good time listening to it. Anyway, I still got another day and a half on this, and I'm still dialed in. And this person I'm playing has been a really fun thing to do. So anyway, but I am excited to get back home. And, you know, I do miss L.A.

I got to get a breakfast burrito. Dude, I haven't had fucking coffee in like four days. I already went like the first day I didn't have coffee. And then I got sick. And I got off it. And one of the actors I've been working with drinks those matches. And I was like, I mean, I don't know. You got to put all that fucking sugar in it to make it taste decent.

He's like, no, you kind of get to the taste of him. And he goes, I kind of like it's an easier sort of little caffeine thing. So I was like, all right, let me try that. Because, you know, I used to be, you know, this angry fucking lunatic. I mean, believe me, I still got a temper. But I'm not carrying it around anymore, which is fantastic. But, you know, I kind of feel like the reason why I related to coffee. the way I did was because that being wired on it was like how I was kind of like walking around,

you know, walking around on edge. So I feeling like the last thing I needed was more. I mean, I still love coffee. So I was kind of going, you know what I'd like to do? Maybe do coffee every other day and I'll do this matcha every other day. But then I kind of, I don't know, I kind of got into it. And it's been like, it's been a good thing. thing for me. So right now I'm not, I haven't smoked a cigar since I can't even remember when

I don't smoke weed. I'm not drinking coffee. So I feel like if I could just get off a social media because I started fucking scrolling again, man, it's unbelievable. These fucking phones, these fucking phones, dude. I don't know. How addicted are you, like, I do have a rule though. When I do have an acting gig. The phone is off and I go down to set and I don't have my phone because I don't want to be you know be in blue screen mode when I got to go out and go do this shit.

I'm thinking like I might start like I walk into the house phone is off. I might start doing that shit because I've got to be honest with you like all of these years of having the phone on the entire fucking I'm trying to think of like the amount of times I get like an actually really time sensitive, important fucking text message. I'd like to go back to that world where,

like, dude, you just leave your house. Before answering machines, you just left your house, and if somebody called, they just had to call back again another time. You know? When you drove home, like, didn't like Chris Rock do a great bit about that? something about that i think he was talking about how marriages stayed together because you weren't constantly in contact or something like that

but just in general like you could just kind of get away from it and uh and then we got to the answering machine but even then you came home and uh that was like the first sort of like hint of the dopamine excitement of these smartphones is when you came home like once you had an answer machine you know you could lie to yourself back in the day when you

had a phone and you came home you could just oh people called people loved me I just missed the call but when you came home like once you got the answer machine you had evidence so you started coming home and like the big thing was to look was the number blinking did you have one message to oh I got four messages holy shit you'd be like excited but then if you didn't get any messages

is you'd actually be like depressed. So anyway, um, I'm thinking now that I'm kind of, uh, off every other sort of stimulant. Just for my mental health, I think it would be really good to just get off my phone.

And, uh, you know what's amazing is my son loves to draw and he got me back into drawing, which I used to love to do when I was a kid. I used to always draw like, it was funny. I used to always draw like Robert Parrish, like dunking and whatever on somebody. I just draw a lot of like sports shit. And I got away from it and stuff and it's weird. Like I went back to it.

I was able to pick up where I left off. And somewhere along the line, I don't know, it was from like directing shit or whatever. I started learning more like what's in the spot and the shot and death perception and all of that. I can actually draw better, maybe because I was just like a kid. And I find losing myself in that. Like you know what's funny is I always see like so many people like when their life bottoms out, they discover like painting. And like you're like, oh, Jesus Christ, what do you think?

You're like fucking Picasso? It's like, no, that's not what it is. It's just like the same way I play drums. I know I'm not a pro, but it's fun and it does something for me. And it's just like a fun hobby. And now, like, for the first time, like, I understand, like, why so many people take up painting. It's, like, quiet. You're using your imagination.

At whatever level, if you're doing that, it's, like, good for you. And you're not bugging anybody. And then everybody else who's still stuck in the Matrix like I was, I was like, this fucking jerk off. Oh, what are you an artist? He over there, painting their fucking. And typical me, like, I only know Picasso. I don't know where to you. I know like, I don't know shit.

So, anyway, whatever. Oh, fucked up, Billy's still trying to work on himself. So anyway, that is the podcast. My apologies again on Monday. I hope you guys had a good couple of days there. And I hope you're enjoying the World Cup and you're watching this MotoGP. It's fantastic. And another thing, too, was when I get home.

I got, you know, I got a few weeks off as far as not going on the road. And, you know, I love the dog days of summer. And I did see my Red Sox, I don't know how, swept the fucking Yankees. I mean, God knows that's going to be the highlight of our season. And speaking of that, oh, my God, dude, we traded Jalen Brown. Are we out of our fucking minds? Aside from being one of the best guys in the league, he's like a fucking, he's arguably, he has to be the smartest guy in the league.

I mean, like, MIT was like trying to get him into some, you know, or NASA or something. some shit. It's like talking to those people. The guy can speak Arabic. I mean, you know, the only thing, the only thing that makes sense about that trade is if it was like some sort of Devers situation where you didn't realize what was going, but I just don't think it's that, man. I'm such a fan of that guy, just off court, like what that guy can do. And I just was always thinking, Like, I can't believe that fucking genius brain is on our team breaking down, you know, whatever the other team's doing. Like, I just don't, I don't know, man. I don't know about that one.

But thank you to Jalen Brown for everything that you did with us. Thank you for the championship. And there's no way, you know, we get one without you. So I hope he realizes that because that, was all the chatter that I saw. Everybody was like, why the fuck did we just do that? So, I don't know, man. That's, for years, I've been hearing that. You know, the stupid Boston sports media, trying to, like, start something between him and Jason Taven. That's all the fuck they do. I remember when I was living in New York, all they tried to do when A-Rod went to the Yankees

was trying to, like, get some gossip going about how Jeter doesn't like A-Rod, and A-Rod doesn't like, Jeter's there enough room and blah, blah, blah, blah. It's just, it's, it's I don't understand like local sports writers. It's like, are you a fan of the team? Like, all they do is try to stir up shit. Forget about like the sports talk radio guys. You could only talk about the game for so long. You got all these hours you have to fill up in your show.

And then what do they just start doing? They start like gossiping. And like sports fans that like listen to that shit and read that shit it's like that's like the real like housewives of sports like i don't give a fuck about like all of those the locker room relationships or off field stuff like for me that has to do with the coaches and the players they work that shit out anything off the field is between that person in in the cops or their wife or husband whatever the fuck relationship they're in it's none of my business my business My job is to watch the fucking game.

That's it. I don't give a fuck. Oh, look at Bill. Oh, he's all punk rock. He doesn't give a fuck. Well, you know what? I don't. There you go.

So anyway, thank you, Jalen Brown. I know that you are going to have many, many, many, many, many more. That guy's going to be fucking, he's going to be a problem for another 10 years. I don't know. What have we got? Paul George. He's at like, I don't know. Well, welcome to him.

I just hope they know. What the fuck do I know? I'm a fucking stand-up comedian. Anyway, that is the podcast. All right? Enjoy the music picked out by the amazing Andrew Themilus. Then we have a bonus episode of the Thursday afternoon just before Friday. Monday, Monday, Monday, podcast coming out. Okay. Every week we can be concerts. Hey, what's going on?

It's Bill Burr. It's time for the Monday morning podcast for Monday, July 7th. second, 2018, what's going on? How are you? Hey, as you can tell, old freckles is under the weather. Yeah, I tried to do too much when I was on the road. I'm just an old guy now,

and I ended up catching a cold like it was the middle of fucking winter. I flew into Minneapolis the day of the show. I used to fly in the night before, but now I got the kiddo, and I don't, you know, misses a little bit of, you know, heard whatever day is possible. So I flew out the day of. Then I landed.

And I've learned this lesson 50 fucking times. And every time I've gotten sick, I landed. I was a little tired, you know, because I had to get up early to get there on time. And I went right to the gym. Stupid fucking move. Then I had to do two shows. And then I hung out with Verzi and fucking Barnick.

But I slept in the next day. The next day I woke up, I kind of felt rundown. But I was like, no, man, man, hit the gym again. I hit the gym again. Fucking moron. Then I take a steam. Then I go on fucking stage, have one show. It's the end of the night.

I absolutely love Bartnick and Verzian. Hey, let's go out again. So we go out again. And this time we were at an outside bar up on this rooftop and this really cool, you know, place in, you know, downtown Minneapolis. And I had a hat on, but it wasn't enough. And I could tell when I was, you know, when a cold just gets you. you. Yeah, I'm feeling a little bit. And then it's just getting you like, ah, fuck, here we go. And I didn't have any vitamins. That's another thing. I forgot my vitamins. All of that dumb shit. So I don't know. So I apologize for being so frigging late here. But however, I want to thank everybody. It was one of the most fun weekends I've had as far as crowds and just what I got to see in Minneapolis and Detroit. Minneapolis, first of all, did a theater there on the campus of the Big Ten.

University of Minnesota. Now, I was joking with the people there. Whenever I go, you know, to a great campus like that, my first thought, this is for all you young kids out there. I always think to myself, man, I wish I studied in high school. I wish I tried. This is fucking amazing. We drove by, there was like a frat house, and there was like 10 frat guys sitting in a

circle playing some drinking game outside this amazing fraternity, you know? And I know everybody makes fun of them, saying they're a bunch of date rapists and then this and then that and all this shit. But at the end of the day, who's making the robots that are going to kill all of us? It's the nerds. So we're up on the frat boys. They're not all rapists, you know? Some of them just leer. So anyways.

And I couldn't believe how fucking beautiful, beautiful the University of Minnesota's campuses. And I was saying on stage, this is what a fucking moron I am. I, you know, without ever seeing a campus, I judge what it looks like by how your sports teams are doing. If you ever won a Big Ten championship or an SEC championship in a long time, I just figure your school's a dump and it doesn't look good. I mean, I learned that with Vanderbilt. You know, Vanderbilt's never like, you know, I think maybe in baseball they're good. But they never do anything in football, never do anything in hoops. So I'm just like, oh, that's like almost a community college.

then Nate Borgatsi told me he was a big fan of theirs was like no dude that's like it's one of the best schools in the country some of the smartest like this engineering fucking egghead school right but I went up to University of Minnesota it's like all fucking brick

I mean what I saw of it was was incredible and I always have that thought like why didn't I study it wasn't that hard I was such a fucking pussy I was such a baby couple of things oh I don't like this subject and just yeah just get through it it. You know what I mean?

I didn't like doing hell rooms either, but I had to do them to get to do a fucking gig at University of Minnesota. I stuck with that, right? Hang on. Sorry. Forgive me. Sorry. It's going to be a lot of that. I'll let pause next time. Um, you know, look, some of the math I get, you know, because I got to be honest with you, like, I was cool right up until algebra. If I wasn't such a fucking class clown and a jerk off, I wouldn't have to go. to summer school after algebra because it wasn't that bad if I applied myself. Geometry, I don't even know what, I don't even know what the fuck was going on. It was like these conspiracy theories about shapes. Not conspiracy, they were proven.

Like the NBA's fix was proven when they had that mobbed up ref. And of course, they blame it on one guy. They always blame it on one guy. I don't know how long people will sit there and watch the NBA. saying all the games are fixed. I'm just saying no other sport, is it finessed? The way that sport is finessed to make sure they have these matchups that are going to get ratings. And it all goes back to fucking Larry Bird and Magic Johnson. I'm convinced

of it. They're still fucking terrified because they almost went out of business in the late 70s. Our ratings were way down. But they all do it. Like during the steroid area, you think the fucking owners in baseball, like they didn't know what the players were doing? Baseball was in a bad way.

They canceled the World Series. Cal Ripkin breaking Lou Gehrig's record was all they fucking had. They juice up the ball. They make the ballpark smaller. These fucking guys are going up there looking like the dad and the Incredibles. You know, fucking skinny legs and giant upper bodies. Just driving shit out of the frigging ballparks. They knew what was going on.

And then all of a sudden the shit, it's the fan. And not one owner got asked a question. They were, oh, I had no idea. He had no idea. You're in the business. Right? I do stand-up comedy. I know who some of the up-and-coming funny people are.

I hear who's stealing jokes. I hear who's going to be the next fucking whatever. I hear who's maybe fucking partying too much. You're in it. You know, it's what you do. Fucking lumberjacks. They know who's jerking off behind a redwood. I mean, they're in the fucking business.

So baseball was finessed that way, I believe. Right? football. What they did was they just, you know, they weren't satisfied with their fan base and they just kept every fucking rule ended up being for the offense to the point it was borderline illegal

to, you know, to fucking cover a receiver. Now everybody's out there putting up Dan Marino numbers, which is fucking ridiculous. Dan Marino, Dan Fowles. Those guys played back when you could borderline murder somebody. Stick them and all of that shit.

I remember one year, that year Drew Breeze, I can't forget what he threw for, but it was just like there was like seven people on pace to break Dan Marino's record. Maybe not seven. It was probably four in one season. So it's finessed that fucking way, right? Hockey, I just, I don't know what they're doing. They just, they finally got it right. They finally got it right with Nashville and Vegas and now they're going to Seattle.

I think they're finally going to take a turn. And my only concern is that it's going to become immensely popular, which is really a pipe dream. But if it becomes immensely, the reason why hockey's still fucking great is because it is sort of the Jan Brady, the middle kid, like nobody's fucking paying attention to it. So you meet the players. They're all cool. They're fucking down to earth. You know what I mean? I don't know.

Sorry. I haven't even taken any cold medication. This is just literally my intellect. So I can't blame anything here. But basketball, I swear to God, like the Celtics are coming on, right? And the Lakers suck. And I remember thinking as a fan, this sucks. We're going to be good and they suck.

It's like if the Red Sox are good and the Yankees suck or vice versa. It's not fun, right? And all of a sudden LeBron is going to move and where does he go to the fucking Lakers? And next year there's going to be a bunch of free agents. And the Lakers will stock up. And I guarantee, we're going to go to the finals. It's going to be fucking Lakers Celtics. You know, if anybody can get past that juggernaut of, of Golden State.

But like, I don't know, I think it's all, uh, it's definitely finessed. Like, uh, like a boxing promoter putting together matches. Like the fact that they let Kevin Durant go to the Golden State Warriors and the last two seasons have been an absolute fucking snooze fest. It's like they You knew they were going to win it The second he went there and they did You knew they were going to go back to back And they did

You know What they're doing in Golden State Is like what the fucking Yankees did In the early 2000s And the height of them buying championships Was when they got fucking A rod Anything post 1998 Because I love that Yankee team

I don't love the Yankees But I love that team But 99, 2000 The Clemens All of that bullshit was all those pile on fucking championships. And then the Red Sox were like, well, what the fuck? You know, we're in the middle of a 90-year drought,

86-year drought here. This is the game. We got to play this game. And this is the thing. We haven't stopped playing that fucking game. I mean, nobody could be as bad as the fucking Yankees. I mean, remember they had fucking Giambi and A-Rod and Jeter in their fucking infield. It was ridiculous.

They had two of the best short stops in there. the league in their infield one agreeing to play third base it was fucking nuts um yeah i mean whatever so anyways so lebron is the laker and uh i guess i'm going to get my wish that they're going to be in the finals hopefully against us i mean that's who i want to play and beat um and i like our coach better you know i know that they're going to go out and get a zillion guys because everybody in the nba wants to play in L.A. Not because, you know, partially because they love the Lakers. But who doesn't want to fuck a famous broad?

Right? Who doesn't want fucking 75, 80 degree weather year round? I've said this forever. What do you want to do? You want to go to Boston, racist Boston, and deal with the winter in fucking sixes and sevens? Or do you want to come to racist L.A., bang supermodels, and go to the beach whenever the fuck you want, 12 months of the year?

We can't compete with it. I mean, the uniform literally looks like suns, shot. Hey, speaking of that, when I was in Minneapolis, I went by that fucking Aubury. I looked like an old fucking, like, hockey stadium. And I would have thought it was the North Star's old place. Had I not known that it used to, it's where the mall of America is now. That wasn't a fucking red flag. Yeah, we're getting rid of the hockey team and we're putting the biggest fucking mall ever. I still don't understand how that fucking thing stays. open.

You know, how do you fucking... You know what the Mall of America is like? It's like having a TV show now. It's just so many of them. I would tell you the time I was talking to another comedian and I told her how much I liked her show and she was saying thanks. And we were talking for five minutes before she realized

I was talking about another show that she had that just got canceled and she was talking about a different TV show. That I didn't even know. She had two television shows and I had no fucking idea. Anyways, so I went by the Armory thing there, and I saw Jennifer Lopez play there during the Super Bowl. I guess they redid it, but the coolest fucking thing ever about that venue is that's where the Minneapolis Lakers with George Miken won their first four NBA championships and that BAA championship that the Lakers still call an NBA championship, which is fucking hilarious. They somehow won one, all right, before the NBA existed.

But anyways, I really wanted to go in there and take a fucking tour of it. So there we go. I know a lot of you guys are expecting me to flip out that fucking LeBron went to. I don't give it a shit. I like who, oh, thank you. How are you? Lovely Nia. Thumbs up.

I don't hear nothing. You feel run down? I didn't give it to you, did I? I didn't get you sick, did I? All right. Okay. Okay. Bye.

Yeah, my wife was sick too You know I was also sick But you know My wife was also Kind of sick But I was really sick So you know what was gonna happen

Right She's gonna sleep in And I'm gonna handle the kid That's just how it works It's how it where You want to keep peace In the house That's how it works

You just fucking You baby the shit out of them You know And I would love to say That I'll be able To remember that For the next argument So I can be like

Oh what about the fucking time I was sicker than you And I didn't fucking Watch your daughter For the home I won't remember it I don't have that ability. You know?

You're fucking... With a woman, they're like fucking Matlock. You know, I can fucking start pulling... I never even watched that show. You know? But I imagine he was pulling up fucking cases from the past. I have no idea.

You know what he did last night? I was on that. I couldn't get the fucking sleep. I was on the internet there. And I was watching all this shit on Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis. Just how big and how famous. they got and everything. And after they broke up, Dean Martin, about 1958, got in the restaurant

business. And he opened up Dino's Lodge, which was basically just west of Lassiena on sunset, just south. Now there's this giant fucking complex there, but it's long gone. I mean, they knocked it down in the 80s. But he got involved in there. They put his big head there, Dino's lounge and he went down there And it was a really hit place to go to at first Late 50s. I mean, Dean's Dean And he would actually go down there, you know, getting the restaurant going. Starstruck patrons. He's signing autographs and all that shit.

And do you know like fucking two, three later's Jerry Lewis opened a competing restaurant down the street? This is how bad it got. He opened a competing one and then stole Dean Martin's business partner. to open that one. And then he had an even bigger picture of himself on the restaurant. And it was on a pole like 100 feet in the air. And it wasn't stationary. It was revolving.

So I guess Dean ended up saying, ah, man, fuck this shit. And he got it because he's cool. He said, fuck this. He got out of the restaurant business. And then he had to sue them to get his name taken off in the image and he couldn't get it taken off. And his face stayed on that restaurant until like the fucking 80s.

Like I said, when they finally fucking took it down. but um anyways i just can't imagine that it got that bad which of course led to me to the nineteen seventy six reunion that they had on the jerry louis telethon when jerry had no idea dean was coming out and frank brought him out uh that was cool watching him hogging all of that shit you know what i mean stupid fucking falling out stuff um but i just thought it was funny at the height at the fucking height of them hating each other they had competing fucking restaurants how not two comedians, you know? I just picture him action like De Niro and Casino

counting the fucking blueberries in the muffin. Freaking out doing that crazy Jerry Lewis voice saying how Dino has more blueberries in his muffin and this is fucking unacceptable. Anyways, plowing ahead here. Oh, Billy is fucking going to hang around the house here and get over this shit. I actually feel a thousand times better than I felt yesterday.

I just need to walk around. It's that weird thing, you know, when you get sick where you're supposed to lay around and relax and, you know, eats, you know, why is it eat soup? You know what I mean? You slurp it, right? It's one of those hybrid things. It's almost a gas.

It's not a liquid. It's not a solid, you know? It is a liquid, and it's a solid. That's what it is. It's like a super group of food. No, it isn't, Bill. It's like cereal if you heated it up. Where do you put that, you know?

Do you know I saw when I was on the road? I actually saw Pringles potato chips, and they had dillie. flavor and I love fucking dill pickles and I love Pringle's potato chips and those two came together and I couldn't get myself to do it because it just it was coming across like it was going to be like a super group you know like what if we took fucking Robert Plant and fucking stuck him with Keith Moon remember they would do shit like that and then it's just and then it just never sounded good because the vibe wasn't there I'm just so worried that that's what it's going to be and on some level like you know it's going to ruin my enjoyment of original Pringle

and dill pickles. You want to love about Pringles? They taste delicious. And I'm a bit of a neat freak, although my office is a fucking mess right now. You know? I hate fucking dishes in the sink the next morning. It, like, depresses me.

I fucking knock them out, you know? I'm basically an incredible father and husband is what I'm telling you. That's my version of it. That's my version of the story. Eventually, we'll have Nia on here when she's feeling better. and then she'll probably tell you the truth. That I'm a fucking asshole over there.

Did anybody watch the fucking Austrian Formula One race? That is my favorite fucking Formula One race that I've ever watched and I've only watched since Monaco 2016 and I've missed a few here or there. Absolutely loved that fucking race.

I'm a huge fan of Max Verstappen. I feel like he's the next guy. him and Daniel Ricardo, right? And Daniel Ricardo's going to fucking leave Red Bull. I don't know where he's going to go. Ferrari, I don't know if there's room in the Mercedes team. I have no fucking idea.

But it was just like the top two guys. What's his face? Max Verstappen and Kimmy Raking. They're fucking hilarious. Their press conferences are hilarious. They don't give a shit. You know, they have like that comics comic vibe about him.

Like I know when I was talking about the last time Sebastian Vettel had banged into a couple people and Max Verstappen during the after the press conference, he goes, you guys should tell him he should change his style of driving. You know, because they had said that to him. And then to him, Max earlier in this season, and then he goes, and then fucking Sebastian

should continue to drive exactly the way he's driving because I haven't changed anything. And now you guys aren't shitting on me because I'm winning. By the way, and then the United States, United States, the Haas team came in fifth and sixth. That's like our highest place ever. Was it fourth and fifth or fifth and sixth? It might have been fourth and fifth. I got to look it up here. I can't remember. But Mercedes, though, oh my God. They had a fucking brutal day. A brutal day. It sucks because I wanted, he always want to see like a close race at the end. But I'm a little jaded with this sport where I was just, you know, after the first turn, which was, and it was a fucking incredible start.

to the race. And I remember when Lewis Hamilton got into first place after the first turn. I go, oh, it's over. He's going to win it. He's going to win it. But the track was so fucking hot. The tires started the blister. Some bullshit happened. I don't know what. And what's his face? No, we came in fourth and fifth. Grosjean and Magnuson, fourth and fifth.

The host team. I don't know what happened. Somebody was going too fucking slow or something. It caused Lewis Hamilton to have to slow down. And then he got passed. And then he had to go into the fucking pits. He had to do one extra pit stop is what happened. And that fucked him.

But that guy's such a good driver, even in the end, the other guy's tires were starting to blister up. And he was just right fucking there. And then all the drama went out when he fucking, his car shit the bed. And I believe Val Terry Botas had some sort of gearbox failure. But, and also what's his story? face. Daniel Ricardo, his fucking car shut the bed too. He's been having a rough go of it.

But I just liked it because it just put different people in the lead that I haven't seen. I know Max Verstappen has done well over the last few. But it was just fun to watch all of that shit. And then watch Lewis Hamilton having like the fastest lap of the race trying to catch up like Bill Elliott back in the day in the Star Car races. and then unfortunately his car shipped the bed. But here's the big thing was he was up 14 points. Lewis Hamilton over Sebastian Vettel.

Vettel came in third, and I believe you get 15 points, and Lewis Hamilton got no points. So now Vettel is leapfrogged past him, and he's up one point. Because I was hoping he wasn't going to slowly fucking pull away. I think they race again next week in Great Britain. And then they might be on their break, their summer break. And then they'll be neck and neck for the rest of the year. So Ferrari can fucking hang in there.

It should be exciting right through Brazil and on into November. What do they always end up? It's Dubai. I can't fucking remember. So anyways, very fucking excited about that race. I mean, it sucked. You know, that Mercedes got knocked out. This is also Daniel Ricardo.

But it was just fun to see some new blood up there. and then, you know, watching Lewis Hamilton putting on a fucking show as he was dealing with his tires literally falling apart. Anyways, when I was in, also when I was in Minneapolis, I forgot to tell you, I was going to try a different place to get a juicy Lucy. Last time I went to Matt's bar and I got this fucking Uber driver. It's hilarious, this Indian guy. And there's a lot of construction going on downtown of Minneapolis and said he was five minutes away for 15 minutes. he finally pulls up and this dude was like the fucking old Indian

version of me like he was like snapping on me because he was mad about construction but I understood it because like it took me a minute to figure out like why is this guy yelling at me I go I want to go to whatever the fuck it was the 5A club

was going to try that one next right and he goes I need an address immediately yelling at me and I go all right dude relax no you can't just say the name of that place I need an address I was like dude stop yelling at me he goes I'm not yelling I go

yes you are you're yelling and then Verzi gets in the car he's looking at me I'm like dude this guy's fucking you know this guy's yelling at me and he goes I need an address and I'm like well

the name of the place is the 5A club put it in your phone you fucking cunt right so now I went to his energy but fortunately I've been really working on it and I brought it back down again

and I was just like hey all right you know like I understand there's traffic here right and then he was trying to smile his way through it realizing he went too fucking nuts so I think I gave him wrong address. He ended up taking us to Matt's Barrow. So now it's like really tense. Bartnick's

riding in the front seat. This fucking guy's, it looks like we're with our fucking angry grandfather. We're all trying to be in our best behavior. So Bartnix tries to light in the mood. We see this fat chick on a bicycle, you know, and she was at a dead stop and now she's trying to get it going. So it's just like, you know, it's precarious when you start off a bike if you're not pedaling fast enough, especially when you're carrying that kind of weight. And Bartnick was like, Jesus Christ, look at her, man. He goes, they don't have asses like that in India, do they? He's like, maybe on an elephant, right? and the guy started laughing.

I was just like, yeah, there'd be a fucking sacred cow over there. And we just fucking broke the ice. We broke the ice by making fun of a fat chick and bringing up stereotypical shit from that guy's culture. That's how we did it. And then he pulled up. He ended up pulling up to Matt's bar instead of the 5-8 club. And I was like, oh, this isn't where I wanted to go.

And he kind of looked at me. I was just like, dude, forget it. It's all right. It's fine. I don't want to get yelled out again. I was literally like a battered wife at that point. Like, okay. Bye, dad.

I love you. just fucking drove off. All right, let me read, let me read a little bit of, and by the way, it was delicious. And they have, they got Miller High Life in a bottle there. You know,

what the dangerous thing about a Miller High Life is, it's just something about the bottle. It feels like it's eight ounces. It just doesn't feel like it's 12 ounces of beer. And they just go down so easy, you know. And I had a show that night, so, you know, ended up having,

I think we had like two. And the waitress was cool. You know? She was asking us about the show. We ended up hooking her up and then she gave us some fucking hats and shit, man. I was really just, it was fucking, it was fucking. Minneapolis is fucking awesome. The people up there are fucking awesome.

And then I go to Detroit. You know, they're fucking great. And I actually was actually like, because I just literally landed, went to the hotel, and then went out and did the show. So I was doing my typical Detroit material, but I white people, you know, drive 100 miles an hour into, the Tigers game. And after the, you know, and then drive back out because it's so fucked up in the downtown area. And I knew it was making a comeback. Every time I go there, it's a little bit nicer.

But dude, it's like those jokes are over now. I walked out after my show at about 10.30 at night. And I saw a white guy, a white kid on a bicycle with a backpack riding down the street, not even nervous. And I was just like, like, it's, it's in a real estate sense, it's too late to buy there. you're already going to be paying like fucking top shelf prices. If the neighborhood got to the point where a white guy will ride down the street late at night, you know, with a backpack on, you know, he wasn't like a fucking, you know, he wasn't like eight mile M&M white guy. He was a white guy like me, you know, a suburban, a suburban night.

A non-dancing suburban white kid. So anyways, they had like a John Varver. Vados downtown. It was fucking ridiculous. I remember years ago, I was telling Verzi going, dude, I'm going to buy some property here. This place is going to fucking blow up because you're out of your mind. I was just like, dude, it's a no, it's like, it's here. I saw this happen in Pittsburgh. I saw this happen in Cleveland. I just didn't have fucking money at the time because I was fucking putting it in this goddamn, you know, fucking money pit of a house that I bought. It's a nice house now. It's a nice house now. But this is literally body off restoration. I had to do this fucking. house. Sorry. Anyways. And I remember seeing on the Anthony Bourdain show, Parts Unknown, rest of soul, I saw a guy, he bought a skyscraper there for $5 million. And I was thinking if there was any way you could scrape together $5 million and then renovate it, which I don't know what that would cost, another 50, 45. And if you could just sit on that, I mean, it's a skyscraper. When that city makes a comeback. That thing, you know, say you're 60 billion in it. It's going to be worth

a quarter of a billion dollars. And you know who fucking did all that shit? The owner of the Cleveland Cavaliers, he went down there and he bought a bunch of fucking buildings, redid him, made the office space cheap, and he filled them up with these internet companies. And it made me feel good. Then I was going to make the same move that a billionaire fucking owner of a basketball team was going to make. I just didn't have the fucking money. anyways but i'm very very happy for that city as i was for cleveland as i am for pittsburgh and all that shit because it's such great cities buffalo baltimore all of those cities going right through there dating i love all of those fucking cities and they and all they need

is just people to fucking invest in them you know what i mean i'll tell you when we're done free in the Iraqis, we ought to come back here and try to help out some of these fucking cities. Get him going again. Start building shit, you know? If I was running shit, I'd have these fucking hipsters, right? I would just have them like, what are you into right now? What are you going to bring back from the past and do it in some artisan fucking way? And, you know, you just, you know, give them a break on factories and shit. Start making stuff here again. You know, say what you want about hipsters. They like a lot of cool stuff. They're just insufferable to talk to. All right. The Black

box, oh sorry, the black tucks. I don't know if that was from watching too much porn or having a pilot's license. You ever think why the people at the top are not concerned about the environment, generally speaking, and how they're content to just fucking use up all the oil, kill as many people as they need to kill to get the fucking oil, you know, pollute the air as much as they can, throw it the fucking rivers, why they don't give a shit. You know, I was just thinking, I think it's because we're all, you know,

all us regular people are going to get replaced by robots. You know what I mean? They'll have robot comedians, you know, robot fucking whores, whatever the hell you want to, you know, I don't know, kind of ran out of jobs there. But you know what I mean? And then they're still going to, they're still going to live. And they're going to be that upper 1% and they're going to have like, just like, essentially an entire population that never complains is totally into what the fuck they're doing.

I think they'll keep a group of people, human beings as slaves, and their job will be to fuck and make more people so that these older fucking rich one percenters can harvest their organs and live forever. That's what I think. Those are the kinds of things that I think when I'm alone. And you got to figure the first time you kill somebody for your organs, you're just going to do that forever because it's like, well, I don't think if there's a higher power, I don't think I want to meet him or her with that on the resume. You know, God just sitting across you. Well, you were busy.

Sitting there shifting in that fucking chair. And you just fucking know exactly what the fuck he's. You know exactly what he's talking about. Like that one's going to pop out. And everybody's got probably that one thing, except for truly. good people, which I'm not, you know? Like if I have, you know, when I die, if there is an afterlife, I feel like God's going to, like, fucks with you. Like, you sit across the room and he just looks down at your resume, right?

Probably has like the half glasses, you know, sitting on the end of his fucking almighty nose, eyebrows up and shit. And he just kind of looks across to you. He's probably like, guy you want me you want to tell me about this you know and then you're sitting there going oh fuck what's he talking about is this a trick uh

oh shit he can hear what I'm thinking don't think about all the shit you did Billy's going to know it's going to be such a mind fuck um anyways that's a weird fucking topic

huh dying Where the fuck are all my, what the hell's all my shit? Oh, there it is. I was trying to find out my fucking shit I wanted to talk about. Detroit's fucking gorgeous, white dude on a bicycle. Too late to invest. See, that's what I do.

I just write a couple of words. Oh, yeah, that's what I wanted to talk about. Anyways, so I'm so psyched to be back out here in Los Angeles. You know, when I was in Detroit, it's weird. When I was in Minneapolis, I ordered what they were known for, is the juicy Lucy, which is a fucking incredible. Like the one at Matt's bar, they got this nice char on it. Then they got the cheese, of course, in the middle, and it's molten hot.

So you've got to be careful. Nibble around the outside. And so it was delicious. And the beer was ice cold. It was fucking great. It made me wish I didn't have a show that night. I was like, I think I want another one of these. And I want to sit here and just fucking watch a game.

You know? And, but then I went to Detroit and, you know, I ordered tacos. Stupid fucking move. I mean, they were good, but they weren't, but, you know, they're not L.A. L.A. knows is known for tacos. San Francisco's known for burritos. And I'm known for being pasty. Oh, let's talk World Cup, shall we?

Let's see what's going on in the FIFA World Cup. I watched a couple of games. I can't even tell you who the fuck I saw. I did see the highlights. The one I wanted to watch was Brazil and Mexico. You know what I mean? I mean, that was just the fucking soccer supernova as far as I was concerned. How about Russia beating Spain?

That was like their fucking Lake Placid moment. You know, and I was sitting there immediately going like, oh, this is going to be weird. Is Russia keeps moving along, you know? You watch America's going to be a bunch of babies about it, you know? Because everybody's already saying that they kind of fucked with our election or whatever. And, you know, first the election, now the World Cup. You know, like we give a shit. What game did I watch?

I watched the Dutch people play. Fuck, I can't remember. But the other people won. some of the best goaltending I've seen in soccer river. The fucking game starts. First of all,

the Dutch guys, right? Oh, is it Denmark? Denmark, right? They fucking, a Denmark, Dutch people? Is that the Netherlands? I don't know. I'm an American.

They don't talk about the rest of the world. Okay? They talk about the fucking white people that started this country. That's what gets driven into your fucking skull. So the, Denmark scores a goal like 40 seconds in or a minute in or something like that. And then like 45 seconds later, the other guys score, the guys who won.

I can't fucking remember. Croatia, Slovakia, Slovenia, Romania? I don't know who the fuck it was. They fucking score. I'm like, oh my God, this is finally my dream game. Minute and a half in, there's already been two goals. This is some shit American can appreciate. And then there wasn't another goal.

for like another fucking hour and a half. But I do have to say the goaltending was fucking incredible. All right. And that guy with this fucking golden fucking locks there, oh, comehead for fucking... A fucking Denmark was incredible. And then the other guy was just a fucking lunatic. One of those guys you could tell he can't shut it off after the game.

And they were just guessing right. They'd dive and then the guy would shoot it to the middle and he fucking get his foot. it out while he was diving the other way. And whenever you miss a penalty fucking kick, like it's the shooter, whatever you fuck, you call him, right? You know that they're fucking,

they're just thinking like, oh, God, I'm going to get fucking, I'm never going to hear the end of this when I go back to my country. I'm never going to hear the fucking end of this, you know, unless somebody steps up and saves my fucking ass. So I did see that game. I did see the Brazil game with that Ronaldo guy. Oh my God.

I thought for half a second he was literally on fire. You know, like when Will Farrell was running around in Ricky Bobby with the invisible flames, he was tearing off all his clothes. I thought that that's what was happening. I mean, I know the guy, it definitely should have been a penalty. It was a piece of shit move. The guy stepped on him.

He raked his fucking cleat right across his ankle. I imagine it's smarted. But Jesus Christ, that was like silent film acting. But anyways, I guess Brazil won two to nothing. And we're getting down to it. So I imagine France or England was playing today, right? No, France is going to play. They're already in like, they're already in.

Why don't I look it up? FIFA World Cup standings. And then you've got to fight through all these CBS sports cunts that don't fucking have it. I want the grid. I want the bracket. Give me the bracket. World Cup bracket. CBS Sports.

You're going to fuck me again, CBS Sports? Come on. Slowly opening. This fucking website sucks. It keeps saying brackets. It doesn't have the bracket. Where's the bracket? There's nothing I can click on.

Schedule, the standings. All right, who fuck's playing today? World Cup schedule. I'm clicking. Oh, you fucking asshole. Russia, 2018 schedule. Oh, my God, I found the bracket. All right.

Oh, I watched the Uruguay. I always said it was Uruguay. Uruguay beat Portugal. I watched that game. Shut up. I watched Croatia be Denmark. I guess Sweden beat Switzerland. I don't know why the abbreviation for their country is S-U-I.

There's no U in Switzerland. Why wouldn't it be W? Is that too close to Sweden? Brazil is playing Belgium. All right. So the last person who has to get in is England is playing Colombia. when the fuck is that game? I got to take that one.

Then they get into the quarterfinals. Then there's the semis and then there's a final game. Fucking goes by so fast. So there's one, two, there's three, basically three more rounds. And I'm going to watch it for once. I don't think I've watched a final since that guy from Italy missed that penalty shot. You know? And I remember when I was a kid way back in the 80s, Diego Maradonna, the hand of God.

and all of that shit. But other than that, I remember also it was in the, it wasn't it in the U.S. in like 94? And like 30 Americans showed up, but it's still sold out because everybody around the world was like so excited.

Like, oh my God, it's going to be so easy to get tickets. Let's go. All right, let's read some of the fucking questions here for the week. Was there really neat to swear right there? All right. Where are we? Sweden.

Oh, speaking of that, please come to Sweden. Last time you were here, I was a little kid and it didn't know about you, but I really like your podcast and your stand-up is amazing. Isn't that like how young that person is? I haven't been there in about five years, you know? So what do you be?

Like 15? You're probably still already like 5-11, those super tall kids. I'm putting together an Eastern European tour, by the way, hopefully for the beginning part of next year. I'm teasing that, that that's what's going to be happening. We're going to a bunch of countries that I've, never been to before.

But I know I have to get back to Sweden. I haven't been there in way too, way too long. So I will definitely get back there. All right. Thank you for the compliments of my podcast to my stand-up. Can a comic cover a comedic bit like a musician? No, they can't. They can't unless he tells everybody. Remember that Cosby bit?

You remember that prior bit? Dear Bill, one rant away from an aneurysm birth. I hate how true that is. Can I want to be stand-up? Oh, a wannabe stand-up comedian? Cover a comedic bit like a wannabe musician would cover a song. I'm not talking about a paid gig, just an open mic. No, don't do that because you're already, even though you're not a pro because you're not getting paid, you are, yeah, don't do that.

There's no coffee house of stand-up comedy. So if you're professional like yourself and are putting on a special, it should be total original content. The thing is, not all of us are as funny as you, but we still want to make the world laugh and get a taste of the spotlight and maybe some groupy pussy too. Dude, if you think that you're going to go up on an open mic, I don't give a fuck if you kill with the original material. When you get off stage, you still have to have game.

That's the thing about being a comedian. As a fucking musician, you go up there and you start singing a song, it's fucking over. I mean, you can do that at a fucking coffee house, singing other people's fucking songs, and it's just going to be raining fucking vagina. comedians, we can go up there for an hour, hour and a half with our own material, and you still have to work for it. You know, they want you to still be funny when you get offstage.

Keep being funny. They don't want the other guy to fucking sing. You can sit there brooding, you know, smoking a cigarette. Anyways, now your initial response will probably be something along the lines. No, go write your own material, you lazy piece of shit. You call me illiterate. At least I can write my own jokes. Oh, are you trying out material right now?

I did my time in the night cubs bombing on stage and as a young skinny redhead and you don't think I just wanted to go out there. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, go fuck yourself, you leave these lazy cut. The thing is, I don't strive to be a professional comedian as engineering pays a lot better. And writing my own jokes seems like too much work. Dude, I really don't give a shit about you right now. You know what I mean? Hey, man, like, you know, I mean, I just want to go fucking play one down of professional football.

without getting hit. Yeah, you can fuck yourself. I just want to go on stage and give the illusion that I'm funny, so maybe a girl will think I actually have a personality and want to fuck me. Oh, now we're getting to it. Now we're getting to it. All right. So you're an engineer.

You're probably introverted. You're super smart. But you don't have anything going on with the ladies. So right now you're thinking like, so you'll, oh, that's funny. And then you think that funny guys, that comedian. get a ton of ass. I'm not saying there aren't guys out there that do, but they work.

It's fucking, unless, you know, you're fucking ridiculously good-looking, but like, it's fucking work. If it is, though, no, if you're staying a comedian,

you kind of have like that slumber vibe, slumber party vibe energy. Like, oh my God, you guys, it's weird. It's like a feminine, you know?

If you almost, it's just a weird thing about women. If you, give off an effeminate energy, you're actually going to get more fucking ass than a fucking, uh, a guy. Or I guess a guy vibe. You know what I mean? I mean, look at David Bowie.

The guy was walking around wearing dresses. There was just women with prints. He was wearing high heel shoes. His whole fucking, they, they, they, it was like a, like the locust, except it was all vaginas flying at those guys. So maybe that's what you need to do. rather than steal from comedians,

I would steal from Prince and David Bowie and I would think that you guys are all down there. Everybody's wearing the fucking white lab coat. If you added a little bit of flare, a feminine flare to your scientist's coat, who knows?

Go to work, design a bridge while wearing some fucking Prince high heels fucking boots. I'm telling you. You're automatically you're going to be fucking interesting. All right, let me keep reading here. I just want to go to say, blah, blah.

He goes, I look at it like it's a scientific report. It's not plagiarism as long as you cite where you got the information from. So if at the beginning of the set I said something, like most essays I wrote in college, this set is completely plagiarized. That's a funny joke, sir. Consisting of ideas from people much smarter than me, and the only original thing I have to say is this opening line. And some asshole somewhere else has probably already said this too.

Or at the end of the set I say, thanks for listening. If you want to see those jokes, they're actually supposed to be performed. How those jokes are actually supposed to be formed. Go check out Bill Barr. Dude, you're cutting yourself short. You're actually a funny guy.

You're just lazy. You could actually use that opener and then go into one of the oldest jokes of all time, you know, one of those fucking water firemen's wear red suspenders, and be like, I'm just fucking with you. And then, too, just talk about being a fucking engineer and I got no game with women. You only have to be up there for five minutes.

All right? Do that. I actually think you want to fucking do this. And I also think you're funny from that first line. All right? So those are your two options. All right? If, yeah, sincerely from an unoriginal,

man from the Great White North, you're funny, you're self-deprecating. You got enough here that it's not crazy to me that you would go up and do an open mic. But, you know, it's the laziness factor that you just want to go up there and do other people's shit. But I understand. I remember the first time I sat down to write like, okay, I'm going to write jokes. It's the weirdest feeling ever. It's like, how do you do this? Like, what do I even fucking, what am I going to talk about?

How do I connect one idea to another? You're not supposed to know, all right? So just open with that line, talk about your life. You know, who gives a fuck if you bail after three minutes? That's what I did. I didn't even get through the five minutes. Look at me. Telling dick jokes all across the land.

All right. But you're not going to get respect from other comics. Other open micers going up there doing other people's fucking material. And you will immediately be branded a thief. Watch out for this guy. And there'll be a bunch of open micers who are severely insecure. And they're going to need a target to fucking focus their. awful childhoods on and that's going to be you.

So I would open with that joke. I would close with what the fuck you said. I wouldn't do other people's material. I'd talk about my life. And when you're at work, you know, whatever. Put a boa on or some shit, trying to be interesting. And a bag one of the egg-hitch you fucking work with. You know, you guys can't go see Star Wars or something?

I don't know. Good luck to you. All right, everybody. I'll check it on you on Thursday. Have a great couple of days. You're fucking. Fuck you some. Hey, I'm Andrew Santino.

And I'm Bobby Lee. And we made something completely insane. We took celebrities. We put them in my mom's basement. We throw trivia at them. We hit them with absurd challenges. And then just when they think they know what's happening, we blow to a whole ting a pot. Nobody knows the rules.

We barely know the rules. It's chaos. It's comedy. It's the bad game show. New episodes drop every Wednesday. Watch on the bad friends' YouTube channel. Or on the bad game show feed on Spotify video. Follow.

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