Monday Morning Podcast - Ragers, Easter Candy, Getting Scanned | Monday Morning Podcast 4-6-26

Episode Date: April 6, 2026

Bill rambles about going to a 'rager', Easter candy, and getting scanned.Hims: To get simple, online access to personalized, affordable care for ED, Hair Loss, Weight Loss, and more, visit http://www.Hims.com/BURRZip Recruiter: Try Zip Recruiter for free at http://www.ZipRecruiter.com/BURRSquarespace: Go to http://www.squarespace.com/BURR for a free trial, and when you’re ready to launch, use code BURR to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.FastGrowingTrees: Listeners to our show get 20% off their order when they got http://www.FastGrowingTrees.com and use code BURR SimpliSafe: Get 50% off your new system by visiting http://www.SimpliSafe.com/burr See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Monday morning podcast for Monday, April 6th, 2020. 6, 6, 6. What's going on? How are you? Oh, Jesus. I'm recording at 529 in the morning. Monday morning.

Living up to the name of the podcast. I get a bunch of shit to do. today. What else is new? What else is new? Did you have a good weekend? Did you not watch the news? So you could maybe just fucking chill for a second. This fucking nitwit. Anyway, I went to a buddy's 60th birthday party on say night, as they say in Boston, Saturday, Thursday, Thursday, Friday. Thursday, Friday. or saddie

Why don't you come by on saddie We'll throw it in the back of your truck All right Um Fucking unbelievable Dude 60 years old I remember It's a comedian

I opened for him In 1993 was when I first worked with him I was 25 and he was 27 I'm just like What the fuck How did this happen it was funny he goes uh you might want to uber over he goes it's going to be a zoo over here

and like i'm just thinking it's going to be a rager right and i go over there and it was a bunch of adults it's like dude we're like late 50s 60s what is a rager we stay up till 1001 um But anyway, I had a great time at the party. Ran into some people that I hadn't seen in a long time. And I was talking with this, yeah, I'm going to name names here, but I was talking to somebody about the first time I opened for this dude.

And we were working in this Chinese restaurant in Worcester, Massachusetts, called the Aku Aku. and the headliner had a video camera, like literally with like the VHS tape in it. So it was like, look like he was doing the local news. And he was filming the crowd coming in for the late show. This is like when you could like still smoke inside in like nightclubs. And by the third show, like, yeah, I don't think there was three shows that, you know, whatever.

Towards the end of the second show, like your eyes were burning like you fought a fire. It was ridiculous. I remember I had like a smoker's cough. And I started realizing that when I came home, I needed to take a shower before I went to bed. So anyway, he was filming all of these people coming in and just shitting on all of them. Go, look at that fucking guy. Jesus Christ, fucking animals. It was a Dick Doherty gig.

And I remember just laughing my. my ass off just thinking like how this guy just didn't give a fuck. Because some people were sort of picking up on that he was like trashing him. And then like, oh fuck, you're out of here. Sorry. Like a fucking half hour later, he was going to be on stage in front of him and they could like heckle him back and he just didn't give a shit. Yeah, I think he was living in New York by then. I don't know how I remember all this.

And he had a Volkswagen jetta. not a jetta was that what it was he had he had the four door sedan that's what i do remember um and there was this fucking guy this other guy we used to work for and he would always i think i told the story before he would always he would never have the money he would owe you like 35 bucks and you'd have to make seven trips to his house in boston to get all the money he was like, uh, big guy, uh, big guy, big guy, big guy. I can give you like seven bucks. I can give you like seven bucks, like on 35.

Big guy, big guy. That's what he used to say. Oh, big guy, right? So one time this dude was coming up from New York and he's opening for the guy. Before he goes on stage, he says to the guy who never has any money, he goes, I'll do it. He goes, I forgot my watch. Can I borrow your watch?

You know, I do my set. You know, this guy who had no money, he had a nice watch, right? So he lets my buddy borrow the watch. He goes up on stage, does his set. The second he gets off stage, he just jumps in his car and leaves and drives all the way back to New York. So the next day, the guy who never has any money called him up. He goes, hey, big guy. Big guy.

He goes, you got my watch? And this dude goes, yeah, he goes, do you got my check? And the do with no money just goes, Oh, big guy. Anyway, and that was like, I don't know, over 30 fucking years ago. You better, you better fucking Uber. It's going to be a zoo.

So funny. That's the thing about it. Like, I still feel like I'm 25. I don't feel like I'm old or whatever. And you just kind of forget. Oh, yeah, man. It's going to be a rager. It's going to be a zoo.

we're going to be going fucking crazy. I went there, had no alcohol. I had a glass of water. And I stayed for like an hour and I was like, all right, I got to get home to the kids. That's what a raging party is like at my age. So anyway, anyway, I want to thank everybody that watched my live podcast that I did with the great Andrew Thumelis.

at South by Southwest, came out on Monday and got great feedback from you guys. I really appreciated it. I wish there was a way with the venue. They could have mic the crowd better. The crowd was not as quiet as some people were suggesting. And I think the combination of that and me teasing the crowd because I was being a lunatic. and they actually were a little more liberal, so they kind of pulled back in different areas.

It was a great time. So anyway, I anticipate yawning like this. I really apologize, man, but what am I going to do? I got a bunch of shit to do today, and this is the only... I was going to record it last night, but I just felt like my brain was tired. You know, I just didn't feel like... I didn't feel safe.

I didn't feel safe to do it, you know? Anyway, but as I mentioned, my tour has gotten going again. So I'm in Durham, North Carolina this week. And April 8th, I got two shows. Really looking forward to that. And I got Atlantic City later on this month. We have the Patrice O'Neill. Oh, Billy is back out on the fucking road.

I got the Patrice O'Neill. Comedy Benefit on Tuesday, April 28th. Still a few tickets left for that thing. And then when we get into April, I got a nice run at one of my favorite theaters in the country, the Tabernacle. I'm playing three nights there, May 12th through the 14th. Looking forward to that, too. So that's kind of like what I'm going to do on this tour is rather than playing one giant show, I'm going to play like these theaters that I miss going to, like, do three shows there instead.

So I can actually maybe like unpack and enjoy the city. That's the funny thing, you know, when you're first coming up, you used to do shows Tuesday through Sunday. and you just felt like you were there forever, you know, two Friday, three Saturday. And then you start thinking like, oh man, I can't wait to fucking just do like one big show. Get in and get out. And then you do that. And then you're like, ah, but I didn't even get a chance to go to this place. I didn't get a chance to go to that place.

I didn't get a chance to play my favorite place or whatever. So I kind of found the happy medium. I don't have to do Tuesday through Sunday. Sunday, but I can do like three days at a really nice theater. You know, I don't have to pay to rent some giant fucking place. People get a better show. They're closer to you. So I think it just all works out for everybody.

But I kind of missed like, you know, just like wherever the fuck, like being in Chicago. You know, last few times I did Chicago. Just like one big show, it came in and I left and I have all of these fucking places that I like to eat at, get coffee. You know, and baseball season, maybe they got a day game. I could go to Wrigley or something like that. And all of a sudden, you just don't do that anymore. And it just becomes airplane hotel venue, back to hotel, back to airport, and then you go home. So I don't know.

I'm going to try it this way. We'll see. We'll see how this works out. But anywho, old Billy's back in the gym. I got my birthday coming up in June. So I got like my last like five, seven pounds of COVID weight to get rid of. So, oh my God, back in the fucking gym. Back.

Oh, Billy's back in the goddamn gym. And just been working my ass off on a bunch of shit. So I've missed this entire NCAA tournament. Everybody's been telling me how fucking crazy it is. That Yukon Duke game, I miss that. I haven't been watching the Bruins. I haven't been fucking doing anything. If I'm not working, I'm playing with my kids.

So, you know, and one of the advantages of climate change, you know, is you can go in the pool and fucking march now. Yeah, it is, it is insane. Oh, so the big rumor this past week was our furor had gone to the hospital. They're saying that he didn't. What do you think? if you had to bet that a 79-year-old guy who evidently eats McDonald's every day, maybe he had to swing by and get a checkup.

I think so. But you don't have to worry. You don't have to worry. Guys like him live forever. Rupert Murdoch. I just keep going. All those Mr. Burns-type people, They fucking live forever.

The Queen of England. Rose Kennedy. They live to be like 106, 105, you know. Then some salt to the earth guy. Give you the shirt off his back, you know, just fucking dies in his 40s. It's how it works. I don't know why that's how it works,

but that's how it works. I think the, maybe it's the fear of the afterlife if there really is somebody that's going to judge you if you live the life like some of those people I just mentioned. You know, maybe I don't know. Maybe the fear of that. I don't know. It doesn't make any sense though.

It doesn't make any sense that you could be eating McDonald's every fucking day. I wonder if like, I wonder what Trump thinks about supersized me. Does he just laugh at that guy? That guy died. He died. The guy who made that. He ate fucking McDonald's for 30 days in a row and he died. Trump has been eating every fucking day, evidently, his entire adult life.

I did a bit about that. That was my favorite clip I ever saw of him. Was when he got behind the counter at McDonald's, it was the first time I ever saw any life in his face. And he actually looked like human. and he had some sort of like fondness or like affection in his eyes.

That's when he went over to the friar later. He was like, this is where they make it. People hug your kids. Tell them that you love them. Tell them that you'll always be there for them. Make them feel secure and safe. Because if you don't, the rest of the world is going to have to deal with them.

Um, oh my God, speaking of that, I, this hilarious back and forth with my son, right? So I was reading this book. Oh, yeah, oh, Billy's been reading. Um, I was reading this book and, uh, I literally could not put it down. And, um, it was one of them, who done it's there. And my lovely wife comes into the world. room and she goes do you mind if i put on the tv and i'm like no no go ahead she puts on the tv and it was just something that was a little too distracting so i said yeah can you just watch a show i'll go in

uh i'll go in our son's room and i'll just because he was downstairs right so i laid on his bed and i was reading the book and he came in and he had his easter candy and we already told him he couldn't have anymore and you know you remember when you were kid and you had like your easter candy it was just like it was the greatest thing ever. So he walked in and he was so locked in on his Easter candy that he didn't see me laying there. So he goes to take a piece and he starts to open it. And I sat up in the bed and I startled him because I thought he had seen me and I was like, is he really just going to eat this candy right in front of me?

So I sat up and looked at him. And then he quickly tried to cover. And he goes, oh, I was just fixing this. I was just acting like he was fixing the piece of candy. So I go, fixing what? What were you fixing? He goes, he's like, nothing. He goes, I was just fixing it.

I go, no, you weren't. I go, you were going to have a piece of candy. I go, don't lie to me. And he goes, I'm not lying. I go, yeah, you are. And I go, look at me, look at me. And he literally is taking his face. And he's trying to stop himself from smiling.

and I go look me in the eye and tell me you weren't trying to eat a piece of candy. And he's like laughing. And I'm going, dude, don't lie to me. I go, I don't care if that's what you were doing. Just don't, don't lie to me. And then he goes, I wasn't. I wasn't. I go, dude, tell me the truth.

And he literally put his face down on the bed. And he goes, I wasn't. He goes, I was fixing something. I said, I go, it's okay. if you were doing that. I don't care. Just don't lie to me. I go, were you trying to, you were going to eat a piece of candy, right? And he lifts his face up. His mouth is still like in the covers. And he just kind of looks at me with like his eyes. He just goes, all right, I was eating a piece of candy. So I said, give me a hand. And I shook his hand.

I said, there. Thank you for telling you. telling me the truth. All right? Like, I don't care if, if you make mistakes and everything. I've made every mistake in the book. Just don't lie to me. All right? He's like, oh, wait. Ayah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm fixing it. Kid is hilarious. We were playing, we do play this game on drums. Me and my kids called Copycat. And my daughter's good. My daughter's at it in that you know she copies what i do and then when she wants me to copy her she doesn't uh she doesn't play like a three-minute phrase like my son does she'll just play like a beat or something like that and then i got to play in a fill and i have to play it back right my son gets up there and

you know does like a drum solo remember like when you used to play that simon game that that game we He had it like pressed it. It's like that. And by the end, it's going like 50 miles an hour and you just can't remember. But that's what he does. So then when I go to play it back, I of course mess it up. And then he stops me. He's like, uh, uh, no, nope, nope. Nope. I'm like, dude, play something shorter. Dad can't remember a minute of. And it's also like, you know, because he's five years old. Like what he's doing is completely unique. He doesn't have. anybody else's sort of drumming or in his head so like it's just his own way of approaching it but um i will say he went down there the other day and like he just played to speak he just played to speak he just played boom get was it was boom yeah boom that boom boom bull that oh that oh that and he was just fucking stomping his foot on the bass drum and just slam coming down on the snare. I just love how he plays. He already looks cooler than I do. Not saying I look cool, but you know what I mean? He already looks, he looks better. He looks like

he knows what he's doing. And so, you know, because he's really been about sports and riding his bike. And he hasn't been doing the Angus impression lately. So after he played drums, he goes, Dad, I want to play my guitar. Because I got a little travel guitar for him. And he goes back into the house and I plug it into the amp. You know, he can't play or anything. But like, he's pretending to and he has his head back and his eyes are closed. Like he's feeling the music and it's just like, I'm telling you, if he sticks with it, I think he's going to be really good.

I don't know. And then my daughter has like a completely, like different approach. Like she can actually play a beat now. She can play like that Phil Rudd. Boom, da, boom, dad, boom, dad. She can play that now and then go into a fill. I don't know, it's really, really cool. Anyway, I'm babbling here.

Let me do the reads here for the week. All right, who is it here? Oh, by the way, you know, you know when you see like a bad Santa? Like when you go to the mall and you just see somebody in the suit, they're much better about it now, but like back in the day, like, you're just like, really? You know? Are you trying to expose the lie? I know.

Maybe that's a good fucking thing. I don't know. Like I remember we went to the mall one time. Me and all my siblings to get the family picture at that point, half of us knew and the other half didn't know. We showed up and they had a girl, like a teenage girl in a Santa suit. She's trying to like lower her voice.

It's just like, dude, what the fuck? So anyway, but there's a lot of good Santa's, though. There's, like, guys, like, committed to be in Santa, and they actually have their own beard, long white beard. Like, you can find that. But I will tell you this, dude, the fucking Easter Bunny, the Easter Bunny costumes, and they don't even fucking try. We were at the mall, and I saw this fucking, first of all,

the rabbit was, like, emaciated. Like, I don't know who the hell was. in there, but how high their metabolism was. But like, you ever hear that that expression, that that rabbit starvation? Like, there's something about rabbit meat. Like, it's so fucking lean that if you only ate that, you wouldn't get like the, uh, the cholesterol that, the good cholesterol that you needed, you would actually die. Um, I never really understood that, uh, until I saw this person at the mall in this rabbit costume. And it was just the radiest fucking, the person in the suit looked like they

they were like 5'10 and they looked like they weighed about I don't know like 117 pounds and then like the rabbit face was just like flat like someone took a frying pan and hit him in the face like there was no like snout

or anything it looked like somebody drew a picture of a rabbit on a plate except it was the head that they had on and they just fucking walk it around And it's like, dude, you know, it's bad enough. Like, I want to know who the fuck came up with these stupid stories and all of this shit.

I will say that me and Nia, we barely participate in these stupid fucking, we do Santa. That's it. You know, we kind of do the tooth fairy. But we don't do this fucking Easter bunny shit. I really think, you know, it's going to go away, which means it'll become like a hipster thing to do. You dress like a dad in the 1950s and you just, I don't know, continue to spread the lie of this fucking story. I mean, it's right up there with the George Washington.

I cannot tell a lie. I was the one who chopped down the cherry tree. That was political propaganda in the 17th. 1800s. Like, that's how weak you could come with it. I cannot tell a lie. I was trying to eat my Easter candy. Anyway, I'm trying to think if I ever saw a good, if I ever saw a good Easter bunny costume, I honestly don't think I have, like in defense of the people at them all, like I don't even think they make a good costume. I mean, at least Santa Claus is a person.

You know? You fucking giant rabbit. Just like walking around with like feet in arms. I mean like people feet. He doesn't have like the fucking legs. The person, they don't hop. They're just fucking walking around. 117 pounds with the fucking frying pan to the face.

Anyway, all right, but we get it. We get it. I don't know. That's just like the shit that I see. And then I'm looking at my son going, and he's looking at it. And I see the look on his face, like, what the fuck is that? And then what? Then here come the questions. And I'm sitting there telling him not to lie about his candy. And I'm sitting there lying about a giant person in a rabbit suit, that this is a rabbit.

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That's simplysafe.com slash burr. There's no safe, like SimplySafe. Okay. That's also why you can't whack a CEO without getting caught. There's fucking cameras everywhere. Speaking of which, all right, this person is writing in. I was talking about how I went to get a cup of coffee and they wanted to scan my ID in Utah. And this is after all these red state people trash in California.

you're going, it's like fucking communist Russia. So this guy says, ID scanned in Los Angeles. Hi Bill. After your rant about Utah and getting your ID scanned at every place, you went to including a coffee shop, I was shopping at Ralph's in studio city near the in and out. Grabbed a couple of bottles of wine and the woman asked to see my ID, of course. She takes the scanning gun out, turns my ID around. I said, hey, what are you doing?

She says, I'm scanning your ID. I say, can't you tell them over 20, or put my agent to the system confirming which one of them? She says no. And if you don't like it, don't buy the alcohol. This never happened to me at my local mid-city Ralphs. They usually just look at it and hand it back to you. I guess Los Angeles is not far behind Utah.

Ha, ha. No, Utah's ahead of us because I was just getting a cup of coffee at fucking 7.30 in the morning. But because they sold alcohol there at night, They were still, they still had to scan my ID. I went to get a fucking cheeseburger at a fucking restaurant. I'm not ordering alcohol. And they still wanted to scan my driver's license.

So no, it's not as bad. And furthermore, people in California don't go, dude, what the fuck's with fucking Utah? What's with these red states? I'm saying how everybody trashes California that lives in these so-called freer states. you know, my favorite, the no state sales tax. There's no state sales tax. Yeah, but somehow they're still running the state on a state level. I guess everyone's working for free, or maybe there's a bunch of hidden taxes in other places.

They're going to get the money from you. They're going to get the fucking money from it. The only way no state tax, income tax works, I should say, is if you're making a fuckload of money. Then you win. But if you're moving there because you're living week to week, they're still going to take it out of your fucking check in a different way. You know, buying gas or whatever, it's just going to be hired. You can't, running a fucking state and paving the roads and everything, cost money. So, yeah, by the way, that does not surprise me. When I saw it being done in Utah, I knew, well, eventually that's going to happen in my state.

It's going to be everywhere. Eventually, they're going to have border checks at the state fucking level. They're going to do all of this while red-tie people continue to yell at blue-tie people and vice versa, because they got us all yelling at each other rather than working together, wondering why these politicians keep turning this fucking country more and more into a giant police state. Like, at what fucking point? at what fucking point? They can read all your emails, listen to your phone calls, read your text messages with no warning.

They can do any, just because they suspect blah, blah, blah. They're tracking everything you do online. My favorite thing when people go online, I was in incognito mode. Oh, were you? You fucking idiots. Yeah. So that's my thing about all of these people that live in, you know,

the states that aren't on the coast. So the fucking cunts that live along the oceans, for whatever reason, think they're smarter than people that don't live near an ocean. I don't know what it is about living near an ocean, but people think it automatically makes them smarter. All right. And then people live in the middle of the country.

They think they're freer, you know, because they have guns, they have property, they can do whatever the fuck. And then, you know, and they, they present this utopia. We can do whatever the fuck we want out here. It's not like that commie pinko, California. And then you go out there and it's a fucking police state. That was my point.

That was my point. And liberals don't fucking drive around with bumper stickers saying these colors don't run. You can pry my gun from my cold dead fingers and talk all this shit like, yeah, fucking dude, bring it. Come at me. They have brought it. It has been brought in, as it said in that movie, and you didn't do anything about it. Because they had you too busy staring at, you know, blaming black people, Latinos, China, Venezuela. And they came right in and they know what you're doing, where you're going at all fucking times.

And now when you finally decide to rebel, they don't even have to send anybody there. They'll just send a fucking drone. Just a bunch of drones. And they won't lose. Anybody comes over here? I'm taking lock. 20 of what? Drones from Radio Shack?

They don't give a fuck. Your tax money is paying for the drones that are going to come and take you out. They won. They did it. Get ready for the robots. All right, with that uplifting statement. Sorry, that was even almost too dark for me.

I think we're going to turn it around. Turn around every now and then if we all just tip over one of those robots that's fucking going. down the street. Why don't we just start pushing those things over? Just tipping them over. By the way, you know those Waymo cars? I heard that's like getting into a microwave. You might want to read up on the health risks of climbing into a giant cell phone with four wheels. Like what's wrong with, I guess Uber? Because Uber does no background checks? I don't fucking know.

What do you want to do? Risk being sexually assaulted or cook your brain in a microwave? This is the future, everybody. All right, corporate greed. Hey, Billy, Ginger Snap. I want to tell a story about how corporate greed is unfolding these days. Oh, Jesus. Can we do a thing where you have to write in an uplifting story? Let's have a few of those.

Like the local news. What I still love about the local news is they will do an uplifting story. Like I was watching the local news, and it was the usual shit. And then they go to the stupid meteorology. who has a gag order, they can't bring up global warming. Just every fucking, every forecast. Record highs, get off those slipsuits. Right?

And then, but they ended the story with the local news lady, like the Harlem Globetrotters were coming to town. And she went down and talked about the history. They were 100 years old. And then she went down and tried to do some of the tricks or whatever. And it was a nice, you know, a nice ending. You're like, oh, good, clean fun. Harlem Globetrotters, nobody's hurting anybody.

She went down. good time. This is something you can bring your kids to. You got to have that every once in a while, right? Anyway, the last company I worked, so maybe we could have a feel-good story of the week. All right, the last company I worked for had some awful stories about the greed of the leadership team. But this story is the absolute worst. All right, I had a member of my team that worked for the company for over five years. She was a great producer. who always hit her numbers. I just love how cold that sentence is.

She was a great producer who always hit her numbers. Is she producing? Is she ascending to the number that we need to generate a positive spreadsheet for this quarter? Whatever the fuck, however the file they talk? One day she woke up

and her husband was lying dead next to her. Oh my God. He passed away in his sleep. When I heard the news, I wanted to show her support in any way I could. I spoke to my supervisor and was told that we could not send her flowers as the leadership team was trying to meet their quarterly budget. Keep in mind this was a global company that made close to 300 million in profit that year. Dude, what the fuck?

This is also a company that on every leadership meeting, the CEO and the VPs call the team, family, of course. The worst part was the next month, the area VP posted pictures from her leadership retreat on LinkedIn. Does that you say that? The pictures were of senior leaders drinking on a beach and eating at a fancy steakhouse. It's just extremely sad to hardworking people treated like nothing at these large companies. P.S., I did say, center flowers on my own. All the best to you and your family. Well, there's the feel good story. This person's a good person. Yeah, if you're a college age kid, I am, you know, I don't know.

I mean, I think maybe that's the way to stop these corporations if they just boycotted working for them. But then like they own so much of the job market, how could you even do that? Well, maybe you work your way up the corporate ladder and try to turn around the culture. I have no idea. but I do know that that things can change for the better, but it takes regular people to do it. But Jesus, fuck. How fucking heartless can you be? And you know what?

Do you know what works with fucking corporations or at least it used to was shame? Like if you somehow, you know, ratted them out for doing that. It's not even shame. It's, they don't feel shame. What it is is they're like, other people will be upset by this and they won't buy our product so we'll lose money.

That's the only thing that they understand is losing money. But I will say the way that these corporations operate and the way that politicians operate and anybody at that level, people in like organizations like the CIA and KGB, Musad and all of these things, like the way that those people operate and the things that they do and the level of top secret files that they have access to, the information that they have access to. It makes me not believe in a higher power. It makes me believe like it's all made up.

Not saying that there isn't a higher power, but religions were just all made up to control people because those people that I just mentioned, none of them are living a life like they are even remotely worried about going to hell for the rest of their. for eternity or being judged. They don't even remotely, you know, if what was going on down Epstein Island was going on

and then it's making it to the front page of the news, so then we bombed Iran, if that really happened to get that off, this is what these people are doing. You know, they have access. They have to have access behind all of these religions, how they started. And that has to all be bullshit.

You know? I just don't buy into this thing. Oh, they're listening to the devil. They chose the devil. It's like, no. Like all of those people, they have so much fucking money. Like, what else do you? You don't need to work anymore.

Why are you still doing this to other people? Why wouldn't you just be like, why wouldn't you just be a good shit? You know? You made your billion dollars. You stepped on everybody's nuts on the way up. Now like fucking. You can't just be cool?

Now I have to have two billion. I have to have a hot air balloon. I got to shoot off rockets. I don't know. It's fucking weird. They're bizarre people. Anyway, NHL, the gold plan.

Hey, Billiam Wallace. Oh, by the way, I'm going to be going to the Carolina Hurricanes Boston Bruins game. And that will be my final professional sports franchise that I needed to see a home game of. I've seen them all. Although I do want to check out an Oakland A's game in Sacramento. And I think that's it. Then I'm done. Now I'm off to the CFL. And if you think I'm fucking joking, I got some Canadian dates later on this year. I got to have it's good, clean fun. I'm not womanizing. I'm not doing drugs. All right? I'm being a good guy.

So I go out there and I just fucking go to the bread and circus. All right. Hey, Billiam Wallace. There's been talk over the last few years in the NHL about instituting a new draft lottery system to determine which team gets the highest draft picks. It's been referred to as the gold plan. I already don't like this. This feels like a way to manipulate draft picks where they're going to what cities like the NBA does. I mean, how ridiculous was it Dallas trading that fucking super.

superstar to the Lakers for nothing. And then the next year, and the Dallas Mavericks get the first pick. The NBA is filthy. It's filthy. And David Stern was fucking filthy. That guy was a fucking gangster. Fucking gangster.

It's been referred to as the gold plan. I added a link to an article explaining it more in depth below. The gist of it is that as soon as a team gets math, eliminated from playoff contention, the points they get from wins and OT losses starts counting towards their draft spot. Oh, they're going the other way. The team with the most points after being eliminated is awarded the first overall pick. Wow, look at this. See? I told you. I said it a minute ago where things can get better. Here I was not four sentences ago going, here we go. The NHL is going to be just like the filthy NBA. I went pessimistic.

The old Christmas light went out and all freckles eyes. And look at this. I want to apologize to the NHL in my snap judgment from less than a minute and a half ago. I was 100% wrong. Please forgive me. So this is going to prevent teams from diving. Not diving. From tanking. Sorry, the wrong. The team with the most points after being eliminated is awarded the first overall pick. The worst teams are still massively favored because they can start racking up points earlier, but their incentive to try and win rather than tank. Oh, there is, not there are.

I think this system would maintain hockey's integrity while making late season games between bad teams more interesting. But I'm curious what you think. Come back to Red Rock soon and go fuck yourself. I think that that's a great idea. P.S. check out the band All Them Witches. If you haven't already, you love that they're drumming. I've actually, you know what? I have listened to them.

I mean, I forget how I found out about them. There's another band out there. I forget what they're called. Something like pack of dogs or something like that. They're just sort of this throwback, like just incredible musicians. band I've just seen them. You just can't believe music like that is being made this time. I forget what they were called,

but I looked them up. Of course, they're coming to L.A. and I'm on the road. But you know, that's how life works sometime. Well, that's great. So we did get some good news. We did get some good news. The NHL is coming up with the system

to prevent teams from tanking at the end of the year. I for what I think that's fantastic. Jesus Christ, this has just been the fucking yawn fest. I hope the jokes haven't made you fucking yawn too. Anyway, so I am off to Carolina this week. Very excited to get out that way and do some shows. I'm going to go out and go try to do some sets tonight.

I've been working on a bunch of new stuff. All right. killed the other night for 10 minutes talking about being nice to my wife. Don't ask me how, okay? I never thought, I mean, I have gone a complete 180 as a person. And it's been paying major dividends. But like, after all these years and all of the stupid shit that I said about women, that's another thing I'm working on this chunk about that, addressing that shit. What was really. behind all of that, which of course, surprise, surprise. This would be no surprise to women who listen.

It had nothing to do with the ladies. It was all my fucking issues. So anyway, I'm very excited the direction that this new hour is heading in. And then also I got a really cool email from somebody I worked with on this project. On this project, they did a screening of it and it fucking did really well. So, oh, Billy's got a, I got a, I got a cool movie coming out later on this year. So whenever, whenever the powers that be, that don't send flowers, when somebody's spouse dies, whenever they let me know, I'm supposed to fucking start promoting it, I shall.

All right, and just like that, that's how a dad does a podcast before his kids get up and he has to make him breakfast and take him to school. How do you like that? you like that? Bill, we didn't say we didn't like it. Why are you getting all fucking hostile? What's the matter, huh? You chastised the NHL too soon and now you feel like an idiot. Well, maybe there's some of that. All right, that's the podcast. Go fuck yourselves and thank you to everybody that's coming out to Durham. Thank you to everybody that's coming out to the Patrice O'Neill benefit again. Like I said, we've been taking care of his mom all three three years because you guys buy

those tickets. It's fantastic thing that you're doing. All right. That's it. fuck all these corporations and these politicians be nice to each other let's try to come together all right that's it go fuck yourselves i'll see you