Roasting, Playing With Primus, Coffee | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 8-7-25
00:00Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byr, and it's time for the Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcast, and I'm just checking in on you.Just checking it on you. See, how your day's going. I hope everything's good with you.I had a weird, like, busy week. I'm supposed to be like, you know, taking time off, but, you know, people ask me to do things, and I say, all right, because they're fun or they're cool.And then I don't look at my schedule, and all of a sudden it's like, oh my God, I got something fucking three days in a row.I'm supposed to be relaxing.Is this fucking bird going to be doing this shit the whole time?Oh, there he is.On top of the roof, just running this fucking yap.
00:47You're saying the same thing over and over again.What the fuck?Yeah, that's what he's saying.That's kind of perfect timing there.Speaking of which, I, um, so, uh, what was it, Tuesday? Oh, Jesus.Yeah. Cut it out.He doesn't give a fuck.Just do it.
01:19Just sitting there with its fucking mouth open.What are you appalled that I had the nerve?I'm out here, too.Ah, Jesus.It's fucking crows.Anyway, you're just going to have to deal with the omen in the background during this podcast.So, um, there was, there is literally no place to do a fucking pod.This is why people have studios.
01:50I swear to fucking Christ.What are the fucking odds?What are the fucking odds?I literally just fucking park somewhere else.And then these two fucking construction guys come out.They're fucking running their yaps.I find a quiet fucking street.And I got a fucking bird.
02:03It won't shut the fuck up.Jesus fucking.Can you tell I don't have time?Remember when Danny Glover was too old for this shit?I don't have the fucking time for this shit.Oh, look at this fucking old school Mustang.That's the one I like it.I never used to like the rear end on the 65 and 66,
02:22but I loved the interior, the steering wheel.and I like the 6768 rear end betterbut I hated the steering wheelsfucking terrible on that carbut now I've come aroundI like the 65anywayoh god that's so fucking wonderful
02:41get away from that goddamn birdI wonder if that's how Alfred Hitchcock came upwith the birdshe was trying to write some moviesome crow wouldn't shut the fuck upand they're also like crazylike they like if you help them outthey remember it. And if you don't, if you're an asshole, they carry grudges. According to
03:00Instagram. So what does that mean? I don't know. So anyway, I agreed to roast this guy at his retirementparty. And I always say no to these things because I just get uncomfortable. Like, it's outside thecomedy club. It's outside my comfort zone. You have no idea what the setup's going to be. So, you know,the further you get in your career, the more people ask you to do this shit. And eventually, you're going tohave to do it. So you got to learn how to do them. So I was a huge fan of this guy. I'm not going toname any names, right? Um, it was a sports guy, right? So I go, all right, I'll go down and do thatthing. So, um, so I go down to do the gig. And, uh, I'm a surprise. So nobody knows thatI'm there. They're shuffling me through the fucking kitchen and all of this shit. You know,
03:48I've written my jokes, you know, and it's always weird like roasting somebody you don't know,Right? So I always keep it classy because, you know, if I know them, you know, they know that I'm joking.But if I just met them, it could come off like mean, you know?And I grew up old school roast where it was just like, no matter what you said, you felt the love and respect underneath it.So I was like, all right, I'm going to work clean.I'll do a lot of self-deprecating stuff, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, and a lot of that type of stuff.So I'm standing behind the curtain waiting to go on.and here's the thing about when you do those
04:25when you perform at one of those athlete thingsall those athletes likethey've given speeches after like gamesthey talk to reportersthey're on camera all the timethey speak at banquetsthey do motivational speakinglike they have chops
04:43and then they've played the gameand they have storiesand they're all guys guysand they're funny as hellAnd every time I've done one of those things, I'm always sitting in the back of the room going,they didn't need me.These guys are all killing it.Like the first time I ever did stand up on something, if you can believe this, I was an unknown comedian.
05:05I was living in New York City.And probably all the known comedians are like, I don't want to do that.That's going to be a weird gig.So I was too green to know not to take the gig.So I actually did like stand up.in New York Cityat thebaseball writers awards
05:24like they wereliterally given outlike the Cy Young Awardand huge stuff like thatand this is way back in the dayI remember Joe Torrey was thereRoger Clemensum
05:36Willie Randolphwho was coaching the Mets at the timeI remember hefucking killedeverybody was killingeverybody was funnyand they were so funnylike I kind of forgot
05:49I had to go onAnd I was like, oh, my God, I got to go.I got to follow this stuff.So then I went up there.And it's just like, you know, it's like pulling the emergency break.Where it's just like, who the hell is this guy, right?But, you know, I was able to get through it.It was kind of fun because it was 2004 right after the Red Sox beat the Yankees and then finally broke the curse and won the World Series.
06:16So they were a little salty about it, so, you know, and I got to tell a few jokes.you know i got booed a little bit you know in like a playful way or whatever but uh so i justremember doing that gig going like man that was that was just i didn't feel comfortable doing thatand i've kind of run from those things so now i'm like all these years later going i shouldhave been doing these things right along blah blah blah blah you know because things come up likea buddy of mine you know just got an award and he wanted you know all his friends to come down andsay something nice about them, you know, and you can't say no to that. You say no, then it's likewhat? You don't like me? So when I was getting ready to do that thing, I was like going, see, Bill,
06:58see, you turn down all of these gigs, you attract what you fear. Now here's one you can't say no toand you haven't done anything like this. And now you're like freaking out. Why don't you juststart saying yes to these things so you can learn how to do them? So I go, all right. So my managerasked me to do this thing. I'll go, just give me 24 hours to think about it. And I was just like,You know what? Stop being a bitch. Just fucking do this thing.So anyway, I'm standing there behind the curtain waiting to do this.And then it finally hits me. Like, this guy's like in his, you know, 80s.Like, and he doesn't know I'm coming here.
07:36Like the odds of this guy not having any idea who I am are pretty high.So they go, you know, hey, you know, everybody has been coming up here.like the intro. They all been saying, like, nice stuff and blah, blah, blah. They all love you andeverything. But, you know, this next guy is a surprise guest, you know, he's not going to be sonice. Don't get mad of him. This was on me. Please welcome, blah, blah, blah. And I come walkingout there. And usually, if you're going to roast somebody, they're sitting down in a chairon, like, the stage. And I come walking out, and the dude's standing there wearing like a fucking,like a black like Hawaiian shirt
08:16and he's got a microphonehe's just standing thereit was like super awkwardand then in the front rowis all of theseHall of Fame athletesthere's not a face I don't recognizeand we're in this conference room
08:30at this resort rightand I'm just likeso I'm like hey manand I did a couple of jokesand the dude just goeswait a second wait a secondand he had a big smile on hisface and he goes, who are you? Biggest laugh. I mean, I saw it like everybody's head just went back
08:51and they were dying laughing. And then I just in a playful way, I just snapped going like,see, this is why I always say no to these things. You guys tell great stories. No one knows who I am.I don't know why I'm here. And then everybody was dying laughing at that. And then I just startroasting them like in a playful way. And, uh,but he has like a microphone so he's like chiming in so we became like this comedy team so likeyou know i was saying you know you built this program with blah blah and blah and he goes he goesyes i did but that was not the order he's like the so and so's came first huge laugh i'm notgoing to say the jokes and everything because it was a private thing and then finally i just said you know
09:38usually the person's sitting down so they finally brought a chair up and they said he sat down butHe had like a microphone.So, anyway, it was just so, like, so weird.And the guy was, I was roasting was so funny.And they were all laughing at me dealing with it.And I just sort of rolled with it.And it ended up going great.I finished, got like a mini standing ovation.
10:06And, you know, the guy was roasting came over, gave me a hug.And I said in his ear.I go, Bill Burr, comedian.I'm a stand-up comedian, Bill Burr.And then that was it.And I got off stage.And I got to tell you, I felt like a battleship was off my chest.And I was really excited that, you know, I got through that.
10:27And I'm not good at those things.And I've decided that I'm just going to start saying yes to those things.So I can turn it into a strength rather than this thing that I have to be like,oh my god i got to go on and you know and say all this nice you know stuff about like that's the bigthing as a guy if you have to go and actually say nice things about a friend of yours or someone that youadmire there's always that thing as a guy you're like oh my god what if i get emotional you knowwhat if that happens because you know men we're not allowed to do that you know you can't godick for a meal in the middle of a stand-up set saying how much you love the guy that you're roasting
11:08you know what I mean? So I was getting nervous about that. So I was like, you know what, I'm just going to keep myself in my nice little walled-off defensive emotional place in comedy clubs. So anyway, you know, to use the sports analogy, if you play hoop and you can't go to your left, what do you start doing? You start going to your left, and then it becomes a strength. And then, you know, you don't have to be anxious when you play, and then you can play at a higher level. So I was trying to do that comedically, so I was very excited that that happened.Last night, I went to the Greek theater, and I saw Primus with their new drummer, John Hoffman.And I got to tell you something, man.I've seen that band.I don't know how many times.Every time I see them, they just get better and better and better.They were, like, on fire last night.It was, like, face-melting stuff.
12:05I wish, you know, I wish I took some money.mushrooms or something, but they let me sit in on one song, so I couldn't like, you know,and I knew I was going to go early, you know, it's not like I'm a musician, so they're like,let's get the clown out of the way early. So it was after three songs. But then I was kind of like,you know, is this going to be one of these things if I, if I, you know, have some mushrooms like,you know, thanks a lot, good night. And then boom, they hit. And then I'm just tripping,trying to fucking drive home. I don't want to be doing that. So,You know, they had the elephants jumping up and down on the trampolines and shit.
12:42It's just like, this is the show.And the vibe is great.But anyways, they had, I got to sit in on too many puppies.And I can't even, you know, I'm at the Greek.And me and my brothers, you know, when we used to jam way back in the day,we used to try and play, like, the few songs that,they had where, like, Les was sort of playing a baseline that my brother could keep up with.And, like, to just be looking up and seeing him, you know, and then seeing Lair looking back
13:25at me, smiling and everything.And John was, like, beyond cool.Oh, my God, he sounded amazing.And he had just got a brand new orange sparkle DW kit.And I just saw that thing.I was like, dude, that is going to look fucking sick under the lights.And it did.It looked like it was glowing.
13:45And then, oh, and then, oh, by the way, Justin Chancellor from Tool was playing bass also.And then fucking guitar center, me was up there.And, but I was psyched.You know, I fucked up some of the changes.I, you know, they kind of asked me a couple weeks ago.And I thought for some reason it was the middle of August.So I was just writing for that roast.And I was like, oh, fuck, it's the next day.
14:07so I had my little drum chart and I went and I sat down and I put it down upside downand then I had in ears which I never used and they were working of course until I sat downand then they weren't but I could still hear the band but I was just going like what the fuckso I messed up a couple of changes but in the end those 16th no triplets you know there's likefour fills I played the first and the third John like murdered the second and the fourth butyou know, I did the 16th note triple thingand then just played like a quad thing.You know, I stayed in my wheelhouse,
14:42but it sounded, I think I pulled it off.And, but my favorite part was when I went out to the crowd after.And I went with my lovely wife,and she didn't know anything about Primus.And we were like, as we were walking in,you know, I was running into people.Hey, man, what's a? Hey, how you doing?You know, and she was like trying to get a read
15:05on what a Primus fan is.And, you know, Primus fans are everywhere from like Grateful Deadish to like jocks to like introverts to out.I mean, it's outgoing people.It's just like it's a, it's a wide mass of people that don't look like they should be together, but they do.There's some sort of through line that you can't quite put your finger on for a Primus fan.when I went out to the crowdand I satwith my wife
15:40she had this look on her faceshe was going like, these guys are greatI like this. This is sort of like kind of funkyas like yeah like yeah I goit's kind of likeyou knowit's like rush meets conspiracytheory meets like
15:55Bootsy Collin I don't know how to likedescribe it but it's fucking awesomeand likethe end of the concert when I saw mywife chanting Primus sucksI was likeI was telling less afterwardI go that was the music equivalent
16:13of if my wife actually sat downand watched a sporting event with meand high-fived me in the endsoanywayso I got to do thatand then today I'm sitting in with somebody elseat like
16:32sort of like a guitar center thingwhich is where I belong, which is cool.And then that's the end of my three night in a row getting outside of my comfort zone.And I can't tell you, those gigs actually really help with my stand-up.Because then to actually just do what I do for a living, you know, when I walk on stage,it just feels like I'm playing t-ball.So there you goThere's an old Billy life lesson there
17:07You knowGo out in that fucking thingThat you're saying no toNot because you don't want to do itBecause you're afraidJust go yesThat's how I started my stand-up careerWhen I saw there was a phone number
17:20And it was for aYou knowA talent contestFind Boston's funniest college studentI went homeSet down my fucking backpackFrom collegeand just picked up the phone in my parents' house
17:33and called the numberbecause I knew if I didn't,I was going to sit downand that fear was going to take over.Maybe in the next contest.I was just call up and do it nowbefore you're chicken out.And then I did it.
17:48And then it was like, that's it.That's it.Now the hourglass has been tipped over.You know?And when that stands out, you go on stageand whatever the fuck happens,happens, and it doesn't fucking matter.it's not about doing well it's just about having the balls to go up there so that's it give
18:08yourself permission to suck and uh then you're off and running um there you go do you ever thinkyou'd be taking tips from somebody went to summer school who gets angry at birds angrybirds did i really get mad at a crow for crowing outside it's not like it'sfluent in my living room. I'm an idiot. But you know what? It was bothering me. I could haveaddressed it in a more healthier way, but I did. I got away from my head, healthy boundaries. And thenwhat? Look at me now. I'm sitting behind a 65 Mustang that is just gorgeous to look at,but makes me a little sad because it needs, it needs to be washed. It's kind of making me feellike it doesn't have any love. You know, I always wanted one of those when I was a kid,
18:55and then I got into cars and so many of the other ones. And I kind of realized to have a Mustangwas sort of hacky like there was so many of them and so many people had them um but now i don't knowi've come around i kind of like him again look at that fucking lizard just crawling on a wallsideways going past me in the other direction to have those spider-man skills and you knowit's still going to get killed by a snake it's just fucking unbelievableWhat's it trying to kill?It's fucking insane.I know this is difficult, but this is nature.
19:37God, I hate that.I hate when people do that.I know this is hard to watch, but this is nature.Why are you acting like you're out in the fucking serengetti right now?You're on a computer or on your phone just like me.Oh, Billy Bookworm.Oh, Billy Bookworm has been majorly off his phone.fucking major bruh
20:00off my phoneand I've been readingand it has been fantasticfor my brainnow if I could just stop drinkingfour fucking cappuccinos every dayI've gone off the rails with the coffeethere's always something
20:13is he you knowit's always somethingumsoI've been doing thatI've been getting along great with my wifewhich has been fantasticand then she's uh
20:25she got me in this showthe valleyand there's this dude on the oh I told you about thatthis fucking dude manyou know he's battling the bottleyou know which I can fucking relate tobut man the level of his denialis just it's fucking fantastic
20:43and the last timethe last episodehe got confrontedabout his drinking problemswith a guy who has problemswith blow not only does have problems with blowhe was fucking gacked out of his mind telling this guythat he needs to work on his fucking drinking problem
21:05and I get empathy for all of themanybody with like addiction shitbecause I've figured out over the years likeI don't have that blow up your whole life addiction thingbut I'm definitely on the spectrumso anyway I was just watching this guyand it's actually scarybecause the guy is well into his 40s.
21:28You can't do blow in your 40s, okay?And I got to tell you, that is the truest thingI've ever said on this podcast.Like, you cannot, you shouldn't ever do blow.But if you're going to do cocaine, you can't, like,once you're, I think north of 32,forget about fentanyl or whatever,how would the fuck you say it?
21:51All of that shit.I just mean if it's just regular old school cocaine,you can't do that shit.past your early 30s your heart just cannot fucking take it so uh the dude's face and his chestare all fucking red and he's just confronting this guy i'm just like i mean this is like i knowit's a reality show but it is an amazing like documentary on addiction and how you knowyou know the denial of it you know the whole you know just that whole i don't have a problem youhave a problem? I'm gacked out of my mind and I want to confront you right now but you're
22:29drinking problem. That's fucking amazing. That is, yeah, that is like you're just bend in thematrix to fit your own fucking reality. Anyway, let me do, let me do some of the reads herefor this week. And then I'll wrap this thing up talking about my red star.All right, Lucid, everybody, which I used to meant, I thought it meant scatterbrained.It actually means you're thinking clearly.That's how dumb I am.Lucid with the Y, L-U-C-Y-L-U-C-Y-D.Are you getting a neck hump from staring at your phone all day?
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26:16function, hair loss, weight loss, and more, visit HIMS.com.com slash burr. That's HIMS.com slashBurr for your free online visit. HIMS.com slash Burr. Actual price will depend on productsdescription plan. Feature products include compound drug products, which the FDA does not approveor verify for safety, affect any of us or quality. Prescription required to see website fordetails, restrictions, and important safety information.They literally said, read that fast.How fucked up is that?Is it as fucked up is Phil's coffee?
26:48Somebody was telling me that they told all of their workers that, yeah, your shares in the company are no longer valid.So now there's going to be a class action suit from the employees, because they know as the cunts at the top, they have all the money, and they'll just bleed them dry and set a lot of court for way less money.Fucking over your own employees.Fuck Phil's coffee.I got a question for you, who the fuck is Phil?When it's a chain, Phil's coffee.Like he's some guy in the neighborhood.Fuck that place.
27:18Fuck Starbucks.Fuck all of those places.So sick of that shit.Where's the government to step in?They know what they're doing.They know what they're doing.You can't fucking do that, and it's not legal,and they're going to get fucking sued,
27:33but they're going to win.Can you imagine that?Like the fucking greed of that.They just sit around on the legal side of stealing.God damn it.The worst thing we ever did was deregulate everything.And all of that bullshit, you don't want government in your life talking to me, you know?They didn't want that.
27:54The corporations didn't want them in their lives because it prevented them from doing shit like this.The fucking cunts.Heartless fucking cunts.All right, moving ahead.Let's talk the Red Sox.once againfuck Phil's coffeeand Starbucks
28:10fuck all of those peopleanywaywe're starting with the coffeeand then I'm moving the best buyyeah I watched the Red Sox yesterdayyou knowwe had a tough gamewe had a new pitcher in there
28:26and whatever he's getting used to ityou know they had a couple of cunty little flaresor whateverMay is the guy's namehe's a ginger he's got a mulletI'm hanging in there with them.But what I was happy was Mike Yostremski went from the Giants to the Royals.He was in a bit of a slump with the Giants when we were playing him.
28:45So, you know, I grew up watching his grandfather, so I was really psyched.He's on a new team, got a new lease.And he was two-for-two with a run scored.His first two at bats, single and a double, I think.And it was all right.It was all right.That's just how old I'm getting.It's like Carlyos Remsky's grandson is playing in the lead.
29:10Bobby Witt Jr.It's like the star.I remember watching Bobby Witt play.He was from my hometown.Really fucking cool.So anyway, I'm going to watch a little bit of Red Sox.Oh, no, I've got to play some drums today.And then that's it.
29:23That's the end of Billy Make a Wish this week.So anyway, what else?Do I have anything else?Been going to the gym.Losing my fucking.can spare tie yeah and uh yeah i think that's it yeah you go there's a there's a little 30 minuteshere you can listen to the music now uh from the picked out from the amazingly talentedandrew themless and then afterwards we'll have a bonus episode of the thursday afternoon
29:52just before friday monday morning podcast have a great weekend you cunts um spend your moneyat mom and pop places all right stop looking at people about whether they wear a red or a blue tiestop fucking being a racist idiotrealize that all regular peoplewe're all on the same boatwe're all getting fucked over by the same peoplethat's itall right
30:15so fuck themand uh you knowI feel like the pushback has happenedI mean CEOs are gettingso many CEOs have been gettingwhacked mainstream media is nowlike lying about itand trying to create the
30:31oh they were actually trying to goto the NFL? Were they? Is that what he was doing? I don't buy it. And, um, you know,this is not surprising at all. You can't do this to people for too long. Eventually,you're going to do it to the wrong person that doesn't give a fuck and something crazy is goingto happen. This is very easily stopped. You don't have to make up stories. What you could dois stop being so fucking heartless and greedy. And then magically, you're not, you're notgoing to have somebody coming in trying to take you out is it that simple i think it is all rightthat's it have a great weekend and uh thank you to everybody in primus for letting me sit in that was
31:17like just another just one of the most surreal moments of my life and um i absolutely love thatband and i love those guys and everybody who's ever played in that band they are just so fuckingunique and it wasthe Greek was just such a great place to see themjust being outsideamazing amazing amazingthey got a couple more shows on their tourdefinitely go out there and see them if you just want to see
31:44one of the best groups out there doing itall right that's it go fuck yourselvesI'll talk to you latercome on Jiddy and Harryyes hear your chatter chillinChatterboxChatterbox chatterboxChatterbox talking all day long
31:58Chatterbox chatterbox chatterboxchatterbox like an endless songYour voice could rivalThe sweetest of birdsBut you keep using the wronglittle wordsChatterbox, chatterbox, chatterboxGive your heart a chance
32:16Chatterbox, chatterbox, chatterboxSpeaking of romanceHow about sayingI love you, I doI never knewA chatterbox like youyou talk a mile a minute but there's nothing in it it's much too much all your conversation is arecitation on life and such if i wanted knowledge i would go to college my chickadee
32:43won't you stop chattering and say you love me chatterbox chatterbox chatterbox give your heart a chancechatterbox chatterbox chatter box chatterHey, what's going on?It's Bill Byrne.It's time for the Monday morning podcast from Monday, August 7th.Lucky 7, 2017.What's going on?Dude, he yelled, he said 7, I thought 7, and then he yelled lucky 7.
33:10Dude, I'm going to play that fucking number.Dude, I'm going down to Christy's, and I'm getting me a fucking set for life, gettingseven of them.Why can't I fucking hear myself?I'm screaming loud enough, aren't I?You know, people, when you're not talking about,talented what you have to do is yellif you don't believe that
33:29watch my fucking lastfucking whateverI mean I don't know how many special I've doneyou knowwhen you're talking the amount of shit I dowhy can't I hear myself the way I want to hear myselfwhy can't I hear methe way I used to
33:45am I going deaf? Is that what's going on?How's that? Is that too much?Hello, hello, test one two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two.The fuck is what this thing?Do I have it on some sort of fucking parental mode?You know, hearing loss is one of the number one causes of hearing loss in 2017,because these earbuds that are all the rage with the children,I actually had time today to go over and go play drums today,
34:16and I put on a fucking ADD clinic.Jesus Christ, I like practice 9,000 things, got better at nothing.That's how I practice.Hey, let's do double bass for two minutes.Hey, let's work on singles and doubles.Hey, let's do the jazz ride pattern.Hey, let's fucking do some bottom triplets.All right?
34:36Just kept going and going.But you know what?I didn't sound that bad.I had a good time.I fucking love that kit, though.I had the small setup.A lot of you guys gave me shit because I had fucking three floor times.Like, oh, what's your dirt one for?
34:48You fucking keys and your fucking toupee.I don't own a toupee.All right?You can't own a toupee.It just, you know what I mean?Although I bet they make them really good right now,but it would just be like wearing this fucking hat you could never take off.You know, you wake up in the morning and you got your little roller, you know,
35:09with the glue, you know, and you're just fucking going over your scalp.You know, you're doing that and your wife comes walking in.I mean, Jesus Christ, I mean, she's going to be banging another guy within three days.If your fucking woman walks in while you're gluing hair to the top of your head, all right?and she doesn't leave you, that woman is a saint.You know what I mean?I love the guys who have like the fucking, the toupeeand then they can't even get like the sides to match it.
35:39You know what I mean?It's like, dude, are you fucking colorblind?Do you really think that that's blending into what you got on the sides?You know what's funny too is when you go down the toupee road.They don't, I don't know.As far as I know, they don't make any white ones, like, if you're an older guy.So then you've got to dye the shit you got on the side.Right?
36:02So then it just makes people look at your head.Like, you're just like, this guy's like 60.How does he have jet black?Oh, good Lord.Look at that fucking thing.Jesus.You know, I don't like about toupees.Actually, hair plugs now is they're too good now.
36:18You used to be able to tell.and you could really fuck somebody up in conversationyou all need to doI don't give a fuck how smart they wereI all you do is just kind of look up at itand then look back at themand then they were just fuckedfor the rest of the conversation
36:33and those days are gone nowbecause they got too goddamn good at itso anyways I was playingyou know playing all the drum shitand at this pointbecause my drum teacher is out on the roadI haven't been taking any lessons.You know, drum teacher, Dave Eilich, out with the night game.
36:55Opening for Dave.No, not that one said Dave Matthews.No, John Mayer.Opening for John Mayer.With Steve Jordan on drums.Jesus Christ.You get to see Dave Eilich and then you get to see Steve Jordan.How about that?
37:10Hey, there's a fucking evening for you.You know?That be enough for your goddamn millennials?Yeah, so I haven't been taking lessons, but so I just, it's actually kind of been a good thing because I can go back to all this shit that I never fucking got down that he showed me while developing new bad habits.But I know, I'm kidding.Anyways, I'm having a great time.So people give me shit because I got the three floor tombs, but this is why I did it.This was the method to my madness.
37:41All right, I got 12 inch rack, then I got a 14, 16, 18 floor tom.So, and then a 22 kick, right?So, I hate having two racktoms, but I ended up ordering another one.So I got a 12, and I got 13 comments.So now I can go big or small people.Big or small.I can either go 12, 14, 16, or 13, 16, 18, depending on whatever the fucking, whatever song I'm going to go butcher on the goddamn comedy jam.All right?
38:08Why can't I just have a hobby without people criticizing it?Why can't people just say, hey, nice drum kit?Dude, what do you got the third fucking floor talk for?Did that just take it?Jesus.I don't know.So I'm trying to get out of the fucking, the bottom, uh, death spin.I went on for fucking 30 years.
38:33I'm just trying a different setup.That's all I was doing.Got more goddamn shit for that.Um, that in saying nuclear instead of nuclear.You know?I love the word police.You know what I mean?It's just like,
38:45are you going to get in life with that you know it's not nuclear it's nuclear i've always saidnuclear always said it it sounds right to me rolls off the tongue a little bit easier thannuclear it's a nuclear weapon not nuclear laughing my ass off let me ask you this where are youlaughing your ass off where exactly are you in your fucking life because as dumb as i am i'm doing all rightyou knowis there is there a fucking job that you can dowhere you dot all your eyes cross all your t's and correct spellingwhat are you going to be like i guess a teacher is that what it is
39:22do i have a bunch of teachers following me on twitteri don't know why they wouldn'tyou know good lordthese fucking people that are always likethere's so much shit i used to say palo instead of pillowget the palos off the fucking i mean i've i've you knowit's just shit you're just saying itdifferent way because does that mean you don't know what the fuck you put your head on at night
39:44where does that get you can you make a living doing crossword puzzles those are those kind they'rethey're good at uh so dooku or sudooku whatever the fuck you say that su do do do for you rightthey're they're good at that shit dude she's really smart she can do the new york timesShe can do the New York Times crossword puzzle.Great.Fantastic.Now, where does that get you?Where does that get you in life?
40:24I mean, I don't know.I mean, tell me how that's holding me back.That's what I want to know.And I know I'm kind of harping on this,but this is like the 900th wordyou guys have fucking corrected me on it.I don't give a shit.I like nuclear.
40:36Sounds like it's more fucking,like the missile's spinning a little bit more.Nuclear.Like nuclear, keep it clear.Here it comes.Nuclear.It's like, well, it's a little shoulder roll in there.Nuclear.
40:47I like it.I'm keeping it.Fuck off.You know, do you guys like write fucking Jay-Z every time he says ho?And you're like, actually, it's horror laughing my ass off.I bet you don't, right?Because you're liberals.You know, but you fucking white male fucks up and what do you do?
41:07You hold my fucking alabaster feet to the fire.don't you?I've had a little bit and I've had enough of it.All right?I've had enough of people trying to make me not sound.Like I'm ashamed of how stupid I am.I'm not, okay?I saw the carrot, man, and I walked towards it.
41:28I knew what I was good at.I knew being a loudmouth fucking moron was what I was good at.And I just did that, okay?I'm not going to ever be in a classroom teaching people how to spell orpronounce shit, okay? So let it go. The ship has sailed. There's no hope for me.All right? But you know what the drill is? The real reason people, they're not doing it for me.They're doing it for them to show how smart they are. Oh, it's not turtle. It's turtle.Laughing my ass off. I know how to say that fucking amphibian's name. Oh, but actually, it's not an amphib-will-you stop it.
42:10It's not an amphibian.An amphibian has the ability.Shut the fuck.You know what are those people?Are they practicing to be on a game show?Is that what it is?That's like the smart way a person plays the lottery, I guess, right?The lottery, you just can be a dope like me going,
42:27dude, you see that nuclear weapon?And then you go in, let me get a fucking set for life, right?That's how I try to make it.Okay?The smarty pants who can do the fucking,who can actually do.the New York Times crossword puzzle is now, you know, trying to get on like Wheel of Fortune.Because, you know, that's like the fucking dumbest crossword you can do.
42:49Whatever the fuck.Is that a crossword?No, it isn't, right?It's like, guess the letters.It looks like a crossword, but it is.But I just love that you can be smart enough to do the New York Times crossword puzzle.And then still, you're going to get on there, right?And you've got to spin a wheel.
43:06And spin in that wheel, there's no intelligence.You just spin it.right you can be the smartest person on the world and you're going to roll lose a turnbankrupt and it's fucking over um i like watching jeopardy when uh you know there's somebody justyou just can't defeat this guy and all these other smarty pants get on there in theirwhole life they were the fucking smartest one you know you know those people that don'tlike drink and they like they play board games like let's play trivial pursuitYou know what I mean?
43:41Let's play whatever those fucking games.I got to tell you,some of the saddest moments in my adult life is I've gone to partiesand all of a sudden they break out board games.And you ever see like when somebody's on hidden video and they start looking around likewhat the fuck and the crowd starts laughing?Like that's the look on my face.Like, yeah, they're not going to do this.
44:05They're not doing this.Are they?Does everybody have to play?Like, I don't want to do this.I don't want to.Do one of my five years old?You know, are we trapped in a fucking cabin and then there's no television?No, this is great.
44:19You can connect with you.I'll play some cards.You know, I like how cards is like, you know what I'm about cards.It's just like, there's a sleazy vibe to cards that I've always enjoyed.Even though I don't play a lot of cards, but, you know, even like those fucking old ladies,seen some old lady with their bony fingers, fucking shuffling, not even looking, talking some shit.She's got her favorite little candies right to the right, you know, in a dish.You know, I saw an old-schooled old lady today.
44:48I was down at the grocery store buying some fucking food, right?And this lady comes around the corner.She had on like this turquoise blazer with like some sort of brooch.I forget what she had underneath it.She had white slacks on, white shoes, and a white purse.just old school dressed to the fucking nine she looked great total fucking class actmade me miss my grandmothermy grandmother was a sharp dresser they always those people they knew how to
45:21fucking dress you know what I mean and then they buy a pair of shoes and god damn itthey took care of them not like us today you knowwell every black person I knew they always took care of their fucking sneakers you knowkeep the fucking things looking brand newyou know taking out a goddamnyou know the nail brushscrubbing the sidesright
45:42that was another white privilege moment righthow you could just have dirty sneakersand that was okaywhat man I went outsideand they got dirty manhe'll keep watching me justhe's always going to be dirt out here manI remember when it Patrice
45:57used to give me shit for my sneakers being dirtyI was just like I mean a fuckingbeauty pageanthe's like Bill if you were blackand you walked outI'm like, I'm not black.This is totally socially acceptable for me.I get it.
46:13You have new sneakers on.Congratulations.Anyways, I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about.I'm doing this Sunday night because, as always,I have a million things to do during this time of year as we're writing season three,three, three of family, family, family.We're going to be recording.episode three and writing episode four this week big shit going we're almost at the clubhouse turn
46:42here no that's actually the coming down the back stretch you know i think we'll have fivewritten and recorded by the end of this this month and i know what you guys are thinking so what doesthat mean it comes out in december oh no no there's like 40 different other things you have to doit over the course of the next i don't know how many months before it finally fucking comes out i haveno idea.We were joking one time. I think by the time we do the sixth season, I'll be in my late60s.But I have to tell you, I really fucking like it. I really like doing it. And I really
47:21enjoy being in the writer's room. You know, some days it sucks when like the shit justisn't working and my brain isn't working and I'm fried. Some of those days suck.But generally, but then, you know, everybody else is saying funny.shit so that makes you get going, you know, but I actually really, uh, enjoy writing dialogue.Who would have thought, you know? In a way, I can, you know, some guy who says nuclear can actuallywrite a fucking episode of television, you know? Just think about that. Okay, think about,think about that. And then stop complaining about who's president right now, okay? If you can saynuclear and then you can fuck, I mean, I, George Bush used to say nuclear. The amount of people that
48:03fucking laughed at him and I want to be like hey are you bilingual can you also speakSpanish huh did you go to Yale the guy went to fucking Yale all right I don't give a shit ifhis dad got him in a what he's a legacy he still went there he still got that educationstill got to be a member of the the skull and bones I think that's why he had that laughbecause he knew he didn't belong there he knew he got he just got pushed down thatfucking road you know what do you think he really wanted to do i think like what you do after yourpresident really lets people know how much you love the job you know what i mean and like he justfucking dis it bill clinton he's still you know bill clinton was all about the horse you know so
48:50he's still he's still out there giving speeches how are you doing nice fucking tats right he's stillout there you knowJimmy Carter is buildingfucking homes you knowand then you got fuckingGeorge Bush he's justhe's fucking hanging out like a trust fund kidhe's just sitting around Peyton
49:09did you ever see that documentary rich kidslike one of the saddest fucking thingsI've ever seen in my life waslikethese peoplethey were born into such wealthlike one of them was theythey were part of the Johnson and Johnson family,
49:28which I think a lot of people don't know what that is.But like when I was growing up,everything was made by Johnson and Johnson.I'm sure they got bought out, whatever.But when,I guess when they bought that out,Johnson and Johnson, they built it in that their kidswould always just be taken care of
49:43and would have a, I don't know,a position of the company.They were just getting money.It's this fucking beastthat Johnson and Johnson built.Just the inertia of that fucking thingjust tearing through the capitalist economy, right?Was just so big that they just, they just like,
50:02they get the skim.Remember fucking casino, the skim?The kids still get the skim.And the fucking skim alone,they get a little fucking duffel bag of cash that they don't ever have to work intheir life, right?And you would think that that would be, dude,that would be the fucking greatest thing ever.
50:19That would be the greatest thing ever.And it kind of turned out that it wasn't.I think it would be the greatest thing ever if you actually live the other way first.But even then, I think it would get boring after a while.Do you think you could do it?I think if you just had enough money where you never had to work again,my thought would be, well, the next big thing in my life is I'm going to die.That's the next eventful thing.
50:51I have no deadlines.I have no worries.Oh manI would get likePsycho obsessed with shitYou knowLike I do alreadyBut then like my real life takes off
51:08I don't fucking play drumsI don't fucking play all fucking timeAnd then like my real lifeTo hey you gotta go to the writer's roomAnd then it eases it offLike if I just fucking was sitting thereLike when I was talking to you guysAbout that building
51:19In ManhattanThe one that looks like a giant cigaretteSomething Park Avenueand I was like, what in the fuck is that thing?That thing's bigger than the Freedom Tower.And I went back and I looked at those pictures that they have from the penthouse in that building.And that bathtub, you know that bathtub everybody has now?It's shaped like the fucking Chicago Bears Stadium.
51:44You know that one, that freestanding one?It's not on legs.Like, it's big.The ladies love it, evidently, right?And it's right up on the fucking window.And you can just look out.out all the way south of Manhattan, past the Statue of Liberty, to see the fucking, youknow, whenever the Germans come to attack us again, you know, this person in the fucking tub
52:08is going to see it first, right?The Japanese, I should say.I just figured that side of the country, you know, the Germans would be coming, right?With their nuclear weapons.Actually, why would you bring it over here?You'd just fucking shoot it off, wouldn't you?Anyway, so I was just looking at itI was just trying to imagine
52:28sitting in that tub taking a bathThat that would be one of the saddest experiencesThat you could possibly haveIt looks so fucking lonelyFirst one I saw was likeHoly shit, that's fucking unbelievableThat looks likeI feel like I'm in a helicopter
52:46But you're like in a fucking buildingBut then just being that high upYou can't even hear the city anymoremore. Just how quiet it would be. You know, you're getting to that love, that thing thatastronauts see. You know, like the astronauts, they would go out and they would orbit the earthand they would just look down at it and they were above all the bullshit. All the politics,all the religion, all the fucking war, all the disease, all the suffering. And they looked downand they were able to see how beautiful it was, the paradise that we actually live.
53:24live in we just sit here with all this petty shit and like these guys would come back andthey couldn't talk to anybody about it couldn't give anybody else that perspective unless theytalked to a fellow astronaut so then they would just be you know pulling up to a stoplightand they would see something they would just randomly start crying i think that wouldhappen if i took a bath that high above fucking manhattan and you're just looking out august manWhy can't, why can't, why isn't, why don't we ever do the right?You'd be philosophically just saying, why don't we do the right thing?Why are we always like, you can't, that's, that's, that's, that's the, that's the scary thing.
54:04That's why all pilots are a little fucking weird.There's something weird about going up there and just looking down at all of it, you know, like a higher being.Then you also get to see what the fuck we're doing to the planet.It's a really fucking, it's a weird thing.And then you combine that with the fact that you're taking a bath, one of the most relaxingthing ever, just looking down at this fucking terror.I don't know.I also kind of wonder, like with global warming, like, what's going to happen?
54:38You know?I'm sorry, climate change.I didn't mean to shock you by saying global warming.I hope I didn't ruin your day with those two fucking words.Let me say climate change so you can fucking relax a little bit.Still don't understand why they say that.Climate change.It's like when Halliburton changed.
54:54its fucking name, right?Well, they change it to.Peaches and cream.I can't fucking remember.Anyways,I was just thinking that, like,the more, like, severe,the weather's going to get.
55:07Like, what will that mean?You know,like, we can expect some crazy stormswe've never fucking seen before.I wonder if they took that into considerationwhen they built that goddamn thing.That all of a sudden, you know,we're going to start getting
55:24Like steroid era, Mark McGuire era fucking, you know, hurricanes.You know, and this is going to be a category 19 and you're up there taking a fucking bath.Watching this shit rolling in.You're going to go right out that fucking window in that tub all the way down to the fucking pavement.But what a way to go.That porceton thing.It'd be like the cartoons where you try to get the.bath water back into the fucking tub it would be a hell of a death i honestly think if there is a god
56:00you know he would fucking take extra time he would take extra time with you just being like likejust watching the game film of your death going i mean just being like you know i've seen peopledie since the beginning man i this this this is this is this is definitely i never seen this onebefore. I never seen somebodyin a bathtubat 1,350 feet.I don't know.I don't know why I'm obsessed with that fucking building.
56:33It's just, I don't know. There was just something about it.And the fact that they can't sell the one underneath it, it's the funniest shit ever.Because who the fuck's going to pay $85 million and still have somebody living above them?Go, you fucking knock it off up there?I mean, what am I paying for you?Anyways, how about those Red Sox, huh?How about those Red Sox?But you know something, they went, they're undefeated.
56:59They went five in a row undefeated this month, right?And I went on the old internet there, right?And I see here.I looked up the standings, the baseball standings.Yeah, that, that, that, whatever.That was the baseball one, right?This weekend baseball.If you saw the highlights and actually heard an orchestra
57:30Playing what I just played and tried to sing, it'd be tremendous.So the Houston Astros, evidently, are the beasts of the American League.I was all excited that we swept the White Sox.I just realized that they're 41 and 68.I guess that's not such a big deal.Well, we did what we were supposed to do.We kicked the shit out of them, man.We won six in a row.
57:57We've gone eight and two.The last 10 picked up three games on them fucking Yankees.You see fucking Aaron Judge 35th home run today?It had the same trajectory as a base hit, except it went out of the park.I'm telling you.It's like fucking Paul Bunyan coming to the goddamn plate.Loving the Indians in first place, that'd be great to see them win one.Let's test my knowledge.
58:20All right. Red Sox. Last World Series, 2013. Yankees, 2009. Tampa Bay. Never. Sit down. Shut the fuck up.Baltimore Orioles, 1983.Toronto Blue Jays. They went back to back. 92, 93. Cleveland Indians, 1948.Kansas City Royals, 2015. Last year was the Cubs, right? Minnesota Twins.91, Detroit, 1984, Chicago White Sox, 2005, Houston Astros,Never sit down, shut the fuck up.Seattle Mariners, never sit down, shut the fuck up.This is so childish. Los Angeles Angels, 2002.
59:12Texas Rangers, you know it.Never sit down, shut the fuck up.Oakland, 89.Washington Centers never sit downshut the fuck upMiami MarlinsWas it 2003Atlanta Braves is 95
59:30New York MetsEvery Red Sox fan knows that's1986Philadelphia Phillies2008 Cubs 2016Milwaukee BrewersNever sit downShut the fuck up
59:40St. Louis CardinalsOh shit I don't know this oneThey always win the fucking thingWas it 2006Or they won it this decadePittsburgh Pirates, I don't know,71. The Redswas 1990. The Dodgers
59:56was 88, Colorado Rockies, never.Arizona Diamondbacks, 2001.The one time I ever rooted for the Yankeesbecause it was right after 9-11, I was like,oh, it gives a fuck. I root for them.San Diego Padres, never.San Francisco Giants.I want to say they won it in 2010,
01:00:132012, and 2014.Is that right?15 was a royal,16 was the Cubs.Yeah, I'd say 2014.That's not bad for somebody who doesn't fucking watch baseball.Was that boring to you?I'm sorry.
01:00:28Let me do, you know, if that was boring enough, let me get to one of the most excitingparts of this podcast, listening to me read out loud.All right, here we go.We got one, two, three, four.One, two, three, four, one, two, three, four.I was talking to something about that the other day.When somebody had a doorbell like that, when I had a paper route,when I was a kid, I thought that that meant they were rich.
01:00:49If it didn't just goBing bongOrThat the fuckingDentist drill oneIf they actually had the oneThey wentDing dong
01:00:57Ding dongDing dongDing dongDing dongYou knowIt was so weirdAs they'd answer the doorBefore it
01:01:03EndedAnd then they're fuckingLooking at youAll rightOh look who's hereBado poopAll rightWe're done
01:01:09RightDid we get through it allBeautiful beautifulBeautifulBeautiful20 minutes to go20 minutes to goI talk about
01:01:17I talked aboutDid I mentionPaul Verzi has a stand-up special that All Things Comedy Network is going to be producing,our first stand-up special, and the buzz on the road is Verzi's out there killing it like I knewhe was going to, all right? August 13th at the Terrytown Theater in beautiful Terrytown, New York,picturesque. Tom Hanks fucking sleepless in Seattle looking fucking place, right?Um, me and, uh, hang, God damn this fucking computer.Fucking screen keeps shutting off.
01:01:53Me and Pete Davidson.Let me get this back on.Me, there we go.All right.Me and Pete Davidson will be, uh, we'll be sort of the masters of ceremony.We'd be warming you up, going out on stage together, giving each other shit,trying out new jokes, fucking around.I'm going to try to come out there in between shows.
01:02:10I don't want to slow down.the taping, but I will definitely get out there, sign whatever you got, take some pictures orwhatever. I'll try to move it along, um, or whatever, you know, whatever I can do to fuckinginteract. We have a few seats left. I want to sell this thing out. It's really important nightfor Paul and the All Things Comedy Network. So, uh, I'd appreciate it. If you got the time,you want to listen to, uh, you know, some comedy. Come on down. August 13th. All right.Plowing ahead. And I'll be at the Count Basie Theater this weekend. OutJersey out in New Jersey
01:02:43Red Bank, New JerseyWhich is really beautifulI might go down to Asbury Park during the dayI have no idea what I'm going to doBecause I usually stay in the cityI think I'm going to fucking stay somewhere out in JerseyYou knowMaybe I'll call fucking what's his face
01:03:02Vinnie Brand Vinnie Brand has a boatI'm terrified of the oceanGonna go out in the fucking ocean with a goddamn club ownerWhy not? All rightOkay, here we'rego the probably with north korea dear ronald mcdonald balls north korea is a serious threat to east asiaand now too good a portion of the world i understand that so what so are we so are weyou know if you're going to play this game you know what i mean like like everybody that said the
01:03:39patriots cheated if you're going to play that game you're going to play that game you're going to play that gamethen you've got to see the cheating that you're doing, correct? Am I nuts here? Am I crazy?Yes, the missile test the other day was a ballistic missile, but they can put a nuclear weapon on it as well.Okay, and so can we. We already have ours ready to go.Their latest test puts most of the U.S., all of Europe, and a good portion of Africa within range of their weapons.Yes, and all of those places are in range of our weapons and Russia's weapons.So, you know, I mean, look, I'm not saying it's great that this guy has this fucking thing,but just imagine if he had what we had.
01:04:19What the fuck would we be doing?Wouldn't we be doing the same fucking thing?Well, we got to get some stuff.He's making that shit because we got our shit.Right?It's like when the Yankees started spending $200 million fucking dollars, the Red Sox had to spend $190.That's what happens.That's what happens.
01:04:38And if they are actually able to successfully launch from a submarine as they are attempting to do this,this not only increases the range, but can potentially dramatically increase the amount of time we have to respond if they were to launch a missile.Well, what would happen, sir?Listen, everybody knows there's no end game to this shit.Okay? It's going to be over.We would have time to respond.Don't you remember, what the fuck was it, war games?I can't believe how seriously people are fucking taking this shit.
01:05:15Like, I don't think this guy's out of his fucking mind in North Korea.All right?I'm just so fucking sick of having to turn on the TV and have somebody who has to try this.It's like news now is just scare the shit out of somebody and offer no fucking solutions.And then normal people just sit there screaming at each other.To the point that this fucking dope is taking the time to turn my person.podcast, which is supposed to be a break from all of that shit, which is why I just say sillyshit about it, you're turning this into meet the press.
01:05:47If that fucking asshole shoots one off, point it right at my house, because I don't want tosurvive it.I don't give a fuck, all right?We have no one to blame, but ourselves.We're fucking defective.If human beings were cars, we would all be recalled, all right?We do not handle position of power well, and this is what the fuck.fuck happens.
01:06:09All right?We're fearful fucking lunatics who for some stupid reason were given the ability to fucking intimidatenerds so they would build all this shit for us.And now here we are.Here we are.All right.All right.North Korea also has the highest percentage of slaves in the world.
01:06:30Fully, like you care, sir.Like you give a shit.Fully 4.4% of its population is enslaved.That is approximately 1.1 million.Sir, I am on an Apple fucking computer right now,and I'm sure you typed yours on an Apple computer, too.Those people are jumping out of the factory.They're fucking slaves.
01:06:50All the shit that I'm wearing was made in sweatshops.Like, what are we doing now?Now we're going to fudge the fucking numbers,so these people look like they're out of their minds,but everybody else is fucking okay.This is like countries are like community collegeswhere they will figure out what they're number one inso they can fucking put it in their pamphlet.
01:07:11Okay, let's read some more fucking depressing information.This is why I don't watch the news.And that doesn't even mention the network of concentration cramps across the nationand the people getting less than subsistence levels of daily calories.Well, I mean, they're also not allowed to trade with anybody, are they?You know, they really can't get their shit going, right?Part of that is us trying to force them into giving in to get Forever 21s in Starbucks there.Isn't that right?
01:07:45I mean, I might be wrong.I fucking watch sports.I watch sports.I listen to music.Okay?I block all this shit out.So I'm sure I mispronounced some words here.To put that into perspective, about 388,000 slaves were shipped to North America from 1525 to 1866.
01:08:06it's obviously a huge issue well how do you how do you put that in perspective without telling mewhat the population of korea is and also 388,000 people back in between 1525 and 1866 was a waymore significant portion of the population than it is today correct so i don't know whatyou're saying there sir but i do know that whenever we have an issue with the country all of a suddenwe pretend to care about its people unfortunately there isn't any easy solution to the problem even ifchina withdraws their support and the regime collapses you're still looking at a potentialcivil war in a nation with nuclear weapons let's just hope people smarter than you or i can find adifferent solution to the problem and they won't there's only one solution got to go in there
01:09:01and get him. Keep upthe good work. I love hearing you talk abouthow awesome it is to be a parentinstead of constant talk about how hardit is. As a dad of two boys, there are obviouslydays when I feel like ripping out what littlehair I have left, but the vastmajority of the time is just awesome.
01:09:18Look at this. He was actually justinforming me, and I got all fucking defensive, becauseall this week, people said that I said nuclearinstead of nuclear.Yes, sir. I realize he's out of hisfucking mind. I realize that person's out of hisfucking mind. The guy before him, his dad was out of hisfucking mind. Okay. Trump is out of his fucking mind. I'm out of my fucking mind. Okay. Nobody should
01:09:38have weapons other than your fucking fists and whatever you can grab in the kitchen.That's ideally, that's what that would be better. All right. I think I don't understand why war islegal, but it is. So this is the game that we play with each other and it is fucking inevitable that oneday somebody is going to go Martin Sheen dead zone and what are you going to do you know see peoplethis is why I have all four sports packages because I don't want to know about this shit I don'twant to fucking sit here and watch the news and have them scare the living shit out of me that nowthis is going to happen you know and some fly's going to bite me and then I'm going to have a babywith a little head.
01:10:31Somebody else is going to fucking blow me up.Yeah, I just, I just, yeah, I don't want to talk about this, okay?Trying to keep it light on the podcast here.Let's just make, let's just laugh at me, not being able to pronounce words.Don't bring actual facts into this podcast.All right.Girls softball team punished.Hey there, Billy Batting Glove.
01:10:53Did you hear about the girls softball team that was removed from the World Seriesbecause of a picture of some of the players.Flicking off the camera on social media.One of the girls on the team is the daughter of a family friend.It's fucking brutal.Yeah, I mean, I don't know.I don't know what.I don't understand social media.
01:11:16I'm kind of over it other than for business purposes.I just don't think it's a good thing.That should have just been a funny picture that they all took, shared amongst themselves.But now you upload it and everybody sees it.And, you know, somebody's going to get offended.Let me guess, were they the best,were they probably were the number one seed?This sounds like if one of those bad news bears things.
01:11:44They were removed from the World Series.Well, you know how?You know how people are?They try to make money.They make money off that World Series?Is it a national thing?I don't know.It's like the Colin Kaepernick thing.
01:11:55Everybody's fucking flipping outand immediately thinking that this guy's not getting hiredbecause of racism.It's like the NFL is a fucking corporation.Okay?You know what?They give a fuck about money.Now look, if he was trying to get a coaching job or own a team, then yeah, I would say racism would be more obvious.
01:12:14But like what he does, most of the league is black doing.Okay?Their thing is, they're such cheap fucking cunts.They would rather lose a fucking game.They probably have an algorithm going like, okay, if we get this guy and he wins a few more games,how many jerseys will we sell versus the amount of people who won't buy a jersey because we sign this guy?And I swear to God, if we'll sell a fucking jersey less by signing a guy who would actually make us a better fucking team,I swear they will decide not to sign the guy.
01:12:53I'm not saying there isn't racism involved, but it's really, it's fucking economics.And what these fucking corporations try to do is they don't want any bullshit.They want smooth fucking water.That's what they want.Everybody fucking just tow the fucking line.That's what they want.And I'll tell you, all these fucking groups that are trying to make change know that shit,which is why they always complain to the advertisers.
01:13:22Because the advertisers will then pull sponsorship from TV shows.They'll do it from fucking podcasts.Everybody knows that.So the NFL is a corporation.So that's what they're doing.Now, I don't know what the fuck league these girls are in,but I'm sure they have some sort of stupid conduct thing that they're trying to, you know,trying to uphold.
01:13:42Yeah, it's fucking stupid.It's also fucking stupid to upload that picture.I mean, how many of these dumb stories are you going to see where people get offendedby absolutely nothing and then something happens, right?That's unfortunate.It's unfortunate.All right, Trent Rezna.This is like a way more serious podcast than I ever want to do.
01:14:02I don't know.I don't know I have to do it.I'm going to just start making up shit here.I try to read the news, but it's just all depressing.Although the funny one was all this shit coming out about Lady Diana now.I just don't understand how new evidence.20 years later, they found out that fucking she was listening to Prince Charles jerking off talking to some other lady on a toilet.Did somebody have that tape for fucking 20 years going, hey, dude, listen to this.
01:14:27I swear to God.anybody I have this. I'm going to release it when the time is right. And then you just hearthe echoing sound of Prince Charles going, Roy, I'm getting it putting your ass. Your arse.All right, Trent Reznor article. A Billy boy, Billy boy thought you could relate to this.Trent Reznor talks about what it's like to meet his parents' kids. You meant to say hiskids' parents while having a body of work with lyrics like, I want to fuck you like an animal.Yeah, I read that article, butnever underestimate
01:15:04the power of celebrity, andespecially, I don't know,he's an older dad, so maybe they don'teven know what his fucking music is.But, you know,I wouldn't give a shit.I sang, I downloaded that fucking song.I fucking loved his stuff.
01:15:21That shit came out.That album blew my fucking mind.And I'd be like, that's Trent fucking Resner.Hey, sweetheart, that's Trent fuckingReznor. I wouldn't give a shit.You know? But it's got to be weird. But then there's, of course, the people that don't like it,you know, the people that are at like the 4-H club.You know, what are you going to do?
01:15:44He wanted to fuck someone like an animal and he expressed it.All right. Caught girlfriend cheating after joining the military and I legally can't leave her.What? She's your girlfriend.All right, dear Billy Bald BallsThese are good this weekYou guys usually, you know, latelyThere's been a little droughtHe's a fucking funny this week
01:16:06All right, greetings from ScotlandRecently I quit my well-payingjob to join the British Royal MarinesMy girlfriend of four yearsWas very hesitantAnd didn't want me to leaveBut it had been a dream of mineSince I was 14
01:16:24I sat her down a week beforeleaving and gave her the opportunity to separate, wait, my girlfriend of four years was very hesitantand didn't want me to leave, but it had been dreaming. I was forcing, okay. I sat down with hera week before leaving and gave her the opportunity to separate on good terms and maybecontinue our relationship when I had finished my mandatory four years service. But if we stayedtogether, but if we stayed together and she cheated, she would be dead to me. I'm halfSicilian, by the way. She chose to stay.The fact that you were given her the option to leave.
01:16:59I mean, how much do you give a shit about this woman?I was in for just over four weeks and fell during a runand a 6-6 monster of a guy stood on my leg, breaking my tibia in two places.Oh, fuck.I was given the choice of staying in medical custody on base and rejoined trainingwhen I had healed or leaving for a year.I chose to leave so I could spend more time with my girlfriend.Uh-oh.
01:17:24Uh-oh.I thought it would be a nice surprise to not to.tell her i was coming home oh jesus i arrived home around nine p m on thursday oh my god to find my girl oh jesus choking on some guy's dickwow so what is you do you throw your fucking crutches at him naturally my instinct was to beat theshit out of the guy but i'm not too mobile with a pair of crutches i forced the two out of my house and kept my promise ofyou're dead to me by changing the locks the next morning and blocking her number and social mediaaccounts.Around two weeks later, I received a letter from a lawyer saying that if I don't take her back,
01:18:07she can legally take half of all my assets, including the house.My mother left me in her will because we had been together for more than two years.What?I thought you had to be married, but lo and behold, the British justice system.does me another solid.I could understand if I was away on tour from nine months and she cheated.But four weeks, fucking four weeks, you've got to be fucking kidding me.Should I just take the loss and leave this dumb whore?
01:18:40Or do I take her back and try to forget the fact that she took the first opportunityshe had to jump on another guy's bone.Your, bones, your input would be great and maybe can put a funny twist on this fucked up opportunity for your listeners.Dude, you need to get a fucking lawyer.You need to get that bitch out of your life and get a fucking.lawyer that's what you need to do all right that's one of the dumbest laws i've ever heard in mylife and that's going to cause that's going to cause people to make some reallyfucked up decisions if someone can screw them that fucking bad all right over here
01:19:16a statutory uh not statutory rape what is it what is it what is the fucking law when you've beenyou're legally married not squirtWaters rights. What the fuck is it? I don't know. Over here, it's like you got to be livingwith somebody for like seven years, depending on the state.At that point, they consider it's so dumb that she's entitled to half your shit, especiallyif she's not making any money and you're fucking paying for everything.You know?It's fucking ridiculous. What a fucking cunt.
01:19:52You know what I mean? I mean, how many fucking stories do they do out there about menbeating women and how awful men areto fucking women, right?Which obviously, they got to shine a lighton that, but look at this. She's justfucking whorewho sucked this other guy's dick.It doesn't, could care less about taking
01:20:09half of the house that your mother left you.Oh my God.What a fucking cunt.Dude, I would get a lawyer.I would get, oh my God, I would geta fucking lawyer.What a fucking piece of shit.Dude, like, I can't even, this is like making me angry
01:20:29that someone could do that to somebody.What kind of a piece of shit?You got the kind of person that fucking blows somebodyfour weeks, I feel like that.But even then, there's plenty of women that would do that.There's plenty of fucking women that would do that.They wouldn't take your fucking house.They were raised right.
01:20:48If they get caught sucking a dick,they go, you know, fair enough.And they leave.Jesus cry.I would get a lawyer, sir.I would get a lawyer and I would fucking fight this thing.Find some fucking thing.Oh, my God.
01:21:04The advice that I want to give you, I can't say over this because I'll be liable.Okay?And it's like, all right, let me tell a fucking little story here.No, I can't.I can't do it.I can't tell the story because I'll get in fucking trouble.I won't.Sir, you know what?
01:21:21I would get a lawyer and handle it legally.Don't do anything fucking crazy.All right?Jesus Christ, what a cunt.I'll tell you right there, man.You met one for the ages.That's a first ballot Hall of Fame cunt if I ever fucking heard of one.Good Lord.
01:21:38I could see if she caught you and then out of vindictiveness then did that.That, you know, they'd be like, well, you know, what the fuck?But she's going to do that and then take half your fucking house.And you know what kills me?When she tells the story, she, I'm not saying she'll,play the she won't be in the wrong i mean that's a fucking psychopath thank god you didn't breed withher man jesus fucking christ jesus christ well you know what thank you for your service siryou know what these horrors can take everything you got and there's nothing you can fucking do
01:22:15about it that's how the laws are set up and i got to be honest with you dude you know worst casescenario if she takes half your house and half the shit even still considering what the fuckthey can do to you, you actually got off easy.Easier than a lot of guys did.But Jesus Christ.Can I apologize for this podcast?I don't want to get involved in world politics.I don't want to talk about North Korea.
01:22:41I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about.You know what I mean?And for the 18 people that are going to take any of this shit fucking seriously,I don't give a shit.Let's just keep it to correcting my fucking spelling, shall we?I'm going to end this fucking podcast on an upbeat note.it's joe de rose's birthday today and god damn it he's coming home from fucking amsterdam i'm gonna happybirthday joey roses
01:23:05happy birthday joey roses over therei can't even i can't sing the song if you ever heard this fucking songs we sing to each otheri mean just i'm trying to think of a group that wouldn't be offended by it well i know the onegroup in particular um i literallycan't even sing in the fuck this is just whole thing just went off the fucking rails this wholepodcast went off the rails because that was one that was such a fucking do you know what i did you knowbecause i've been stuck in the writer's room and i haven't been going out and doing stand up andseeing people and having stories to tell you what i do before i get on the podcast now as i just
01:23:41click on google news and it's just the most horrific shit you know that fuckingride that broke in ohio fucking 18 year old kid died kid was born in 1999 died going to afucking amusement park somebody blew up a mosque tried to in fucking Minneapolis i don't understandhow people sit there and they watch cnn and fox and all that shit and just like what does itdo for you to stay informed i i'd have a fucking i don't know what i'd be fucking i don't want to say iti want to say the fuck i would be doing i i i just it's not fun anymore i got to you know what igot to do i'm going to watch i promise you guys i'm just going to watch sports between now andthursday and i i'm going to do something i'm going to go to a
01:24:24mall or something. I'll just make fun of fat peoplewhen I get back. I apologize for the heaviness of thispodcast. All right. Go fuckyourselves. I'll check in on youon Thursday over there.How about saying I love youI do? I neverknew a chatterbox like you.
01:24:54Chatterbox, chatterbox, chatterbox, chatter box,give your heart a chance.Chatterbox, chatterbox, speaking of romance.How a box saying, I love you, I do,I never knew a chatterbox like you.A chatter, chatter, chatter, chatter, chatter, chatter, chatter, chatter,like you.Like me?
01:25:24like you.
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