Monday Morning Podcast - Rooms, Asteroids, Getting Along | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-19-26

Episode Date: March 20, 2026

Bill rambles about gutted rooms, asteroidal impacts and getting along.-----------------------------------------(00:00) - Thursday Afternoon Podcast(32:37) - Thursday Afternoon Throwback - 3-19-26 - Bill rambles about the Easter Bunny, bowling alleys, and Takes From The Tour Bus. Thursday Afternoon Interlude:  Mitch Murder - Intertia-----------------------------------------SimpliSafe:  Right now, my listeners can get 50% off a new system by visiting http://www.SimpliSafe.com/BURR  Policy Genius:  Protect the life you’ve built. With Policygenius, you can see if you can find 20-year life insurance policies starting at just $276 a year for $1 million in coverage.  Head to http://www.policygenius.com/BILLBURR  TRUEWERK:  Don't let cheap gear slow you down this winter. Upgrade your day with workwear built like it matters. Get 15% off your first order at http://www.TRUEWERK.com/BURR  Fast Growing Trees:  Right now, they have great deals on spring planting essentials, up to half off on select plants.  Get 20% off your first purchase when using the code BURR at checkout.  http://www.FastGrowingTrees.com and use the code BURR

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byr and it's time for the Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcast and I'm just checking in on you. What's going on, dude? Oh, Billy Bruins. Oh, Billy Hockey Face. Oh, fucking Billy Dasher. Oh, you know Dasher and cross checks and face washes and off sides.

I was on the road, so I missed out on some Bruins games, so I got caught up. I watched the San Jose Shacks game. I watched the Capitals. I watched the Devils. And then I watched the Habs. And fucking overtime losses, dude, the fucking overtime. First of all, I didn't think the overtime was ever going to end in the Capitals game. You got all the way to the shootout, dude.

They went to like the fucking seventh shooter. On each side. It got to the point was like, are these guys trying? Everybody looks tired. I will say this, getting back to the San Jose Sharks, that Celebrini kid.

And I finally looked up the stats, and obviously the secret is out with that kid. Holy shit. Was that dude fun to watch? He's only 20 years old. It's kind of fucking exciting if you're a San Jose Sharks fan. And, dude, they're road jerseys

with the helmet mashing the fucking shorts there. By the way, I found out why they went away with the cooperoles, the pants, the slacks that the Flyers and the Hartford Whalers had back in the 80s. I guess when you went down, he just kept sliding. There wasn't enough friction, you know, with the socks and all of the pads down around your fucking, your shin gads. I don't know. I guess they just, they would wipe out and they would just keep fucking sliding something like that. I thought it was just because they looked stupid. But what was funny was, I never questioned the hockey uniform.

But when the pants went away, I was like, why do they wear shorts? It's kind of weird. You're on ice. You know? But then when they were wearing like a whole snow suit, it didn't look good. It looked like they were like, you know, on the bench of like an NBA team, like wearing skates for whatever reason. So anyways, we lose to the sharks.

We beat the capitals in overtime. We lost to the devils in overtime, three on three, so we got a point. They got two. Devils are fun to watch, fast team. And then we lost to the Canadians. That was also an overtime, so we got a point or whatever. Dude, we're fucking dogs on the road, man. We just, we can't win on the road.

You know, who beat us at home? Somebody beat us at home in that end. The sharks beat us at home. We had a 13-game winning streak. at home, and that cut snap, but on the road, dude. Like our home record is insane, but we're on the road. Jesus. Do Jesus.

You know what else is do Jesus is? I mentioned, you know, we got some work done in the house, and then the second we got back into the house. I still can't believe this. This guy replaced all the plumbing underneath the house. All copper pipes, you know, looking like a grill. Remember when the rappers used to get a grill? that Paul Wall guy used to make him out of Houston.

Everybody had a grill, right? That sort of looked like, like gold teeth under the house. And there was one evidently piece of galvanized pipe left over from when fucking Charlie Chaplin lived here and the guy didn't replace it. We were in the house for a month in that burst, flooded the whole downstairs. And now they just began doing that shit.

So the demolition has begun. and dude, this fucking own-in-a-house thing is wild. It's like, it's like having kids. You can't sit down. Every time you sit down, dad, you know, it's the same thing. Owned a fucking house. Every time you think, okay, I got that settled. Everything's fucking settled.

Something breaks. So now they're downstairs. They're removing some sort of tile. And they're going, you know, judging by to look at the tile. I don't know if it was from the last remodel. We have to do it in an asbestos. check before we remove this. And if, you know, the asbestos comes in positive,

it's going to be, it's going to set us back a week. It's just like, listen, this isn't my first rodeo. Okay? I know what happens. The only time you guys are on time is when you do the fucking demo. You get in there before we have a chance to come to our senses and you got the fucking place. All right? You got the fucking place.

And then what? And then where are we? have a gutted room. And then what happens? Then everything just moves along at your pace. However the fuck you want to do it. And that's how the game's played. Sorry, closing the fucking curtains here. I still got this tennis elbow thing, man. I've been trying to rehab my way through it. You know what aggravates it? Hold in the microphone. If I just keep my arm in that fucking position for a while, it just bothers it. You know, I got a bet with Verzi. I'm going to be able to do 10 pull-ups when I'm 70.

I just was just out in the garage doing some pull-ups, and it ain't pretty. I did five. I don't know if they were good ones, but the first four were pretty good. So, I don't know. I just got to make sure I keep doing them. And I bought these, like, rope things, handles.

Supposed to improve your grip strength. But I don't know. I don't know what that does. I need to improve my pull-up strength. Some reason they're like, it's about grip strength, about grip strength. It's like, that's not what gets tired. My hands don't get fucking tired. It's my back goes, I don't want to do it anymore.

I just don't want to do it. You know what I mean? I just don't want to fucking do it. So, anyway, oh, Billy Freckles, finally, all of this singing fills and all of that shit on drums is really getting me out of being playing between my ears. And I'm actually listening to what I'm playing, and I'm sort of humming some shit alone.

You know, it's a fun one, that Lenny Kravitz's, uh, it ain't over till it's over. And just play every stupid fill you can think of throughout the whole fucking song. Um, you know, go back and forth with playing along to the song. But like, I don't know, there's just something about that song,

the tempo of it or whatever. It just gives me a lot of ideas of fills and shit to sing. So I've been doing that. And I got to do some stand-up though this week because I got Utah coming up, I think on Monday. Yeah, I got Utah. And then I go to a mammoth game. And then I only have one more after that. I just have the hurricanes.

I'll see the hurricanes. I've been to a home game of every professional team in all four sports. I'm not saying I've been to every stadium because some of them they redid, but I've been to a home game of all of them. And I don't know. This is something I started doing in the 90s. And then somewhere, like 12 years later, I was like, this is fucking stupid. I just want to go home because I was spending extra days out on the road.

And then I got married and had kids. And then it kind of went away. And now I just picked it up. I'm probably going to finish it because my kids are in school now. And I'll be honest with you. I'm not glad of you. I have no idea what it means. It meant something to me when I was a kid, you know, a kid, fucking 30 years old when I first

started like touring the country, but like, I don't know what it means now. I think at this point it just means, you know, I did that instead of drugs, so that that's good. That's kind of a nice thing to do, to have. Anyways, if you keep in score yesterday, there was two days left of winter and it was 95 degrees out here. 95 degrees. and the old me used to get nervous about that. Like, are they going to fucking do anything about this? But then, you know, the dictator signed an executive order that just said that it wasn't real.

So I was like, oh, okay. Now I feel better. So it's not real, even though it was 95 degrees out with two days left in fucking winter. And I can tell you, I've been out here for fucking 20 years. it's never been like this. And I'm sitting there thinking like, if it's fucking 95 in March, what is it going to be like

you know, come August, September after like, you know, April, May, June, July, when it heats up. But like August, oh my God, the end of August and September have always been like hot. But like in the last like few years, there'll be like these 10 day fucking heat waves where you're just sitting in a hundred degree weather

and it's just not moving. and then what does everybody do? They sit in their house and they crank up the fucking AC and we use up more energy. The thing is, is I know that there's scientists out there that could come up with a solution. But the problem is there's also podcasters. So they would then lead us in the exact opposite direction

for whatever fucking reason. Or like 24-hour news networks. they would somehow politicize it. And at this point, if you can politicize pedophilia, you know, where does the environment stand? So I don't know. I don't know. I'm just going to fucking, you know, I don't know.

I'm just going to fucking try to enjoy it while it lasts, you know? That's what? Enjoy it while at last. Was that a knock at my front door or is just somebody fucking knocking out some asbestos. Well, let's take a fucking look, shall we? Let's see. Is there anybody? Hello? Hello?

What was that giving? Medal of honor? Remember a medal of honor? You go in that French village. You'd be crawling on your belly. And there was the German snipers and shit. And you just hear this random in the background. This guy would just go, hello! And then that became a running joke with

me and my wife. We started to, because she thought that was hilarious. And And she would, you know, she would say something to me. And, you know, I'd be fucking spaced out, not talking, like thinking about something else. And then after she said it, then she would just go, hello. Oh, and we used to laugh. Anyways, oh, Billy Jimbaud, Billy Jimbaud, getting ready for the summer with one, the last day of winter.

Here we go. I'm ready for it. Anyway, I was watching this scientist. Not really, but like, I don't know what he is, but he was talking about some giant asteroid that's just going to miss the Earth. And, you know, it's going to pass through this fucking keyhole. And then the next time, and like when it comes by in like 2036, it's going to be a direct hit. And it's going to go right into the ocean and the entire West Coast and, like, Japan and all that are going to be done. And it's like, all right, cool, man.

Thank you for that. You know, you ever think of just like letting some shit happen? Considering there's nothing we can do about it? What, what are you, the fucking chicken little of a scientist? Such a strange act that that guy has. Just going around telling people that shit. I had no idea there was an asteroid that fucking big that was going to just miss the planet.

You know, why can't I just go out like a dinosaur? Just fucking standing there and all of a fucking. and you look up, oh, what's that? And then that's it. It's over. Can't we all just have a quick death? Wouldn't that be nice? I'll tell you what's amazing is, let's just say that asteroid hits. Half the country would be excited that it happened. You know, because at this point, they've allowed 24-hour news networks to make them hate half their fucking country because they forgot we're all on the same team. So that's good. We got that going for us.

It was all just a bunch of fucking liberals. That wasn't no asteroid. God took a giant turd right in the fucking ocean because even he's sick of them liberals. They would do that. They would do that. And then the upper 1% would somehow, you know, blame poor people.

I don't know how they would do it. They just fucking, they do what they do. But anyway. So that's another great advantage of living on the coast is that when this shit hits the fan, you get a quick death. And then everybody else has to sort it out. Small town America, you know, they'll elect John Cougar Mellencamp. He'll run for office, you know, wearing like a fucking loincloth and over one shoulder like furry thing. I was born in a small town

or I can breathe in a real small town And if elected I'll figure this fucking shit out That's what he would do, right? And they'd be like, I like this guy, he makes a lot of sense. Well, you know, he's kind of a poor man's Bruce Springsteen. I don't know if you noticed the title wave took Bruce in the East Street band away.

All right, John Cougar Mellencamp, it is. Wait a minute. minute, who would be left? There'd be a bunch of country guys out in Nashville. They'd be singing all these songs. After all them Hollywood fucks wagging their fingers at us. Now you're down in the ocean because Jesus loves us the best. And every's like, Yee-ha! And they all fucking love that shit. Um, I don't know. We'd take out Netflix and then let'd be like 90% of content would be gone.

I wonder where Bill Gates would go. He lives on the fucking ocean. Oh, Billy Bill. Oh, Billy Bill. Oh, redacted William. I wonder where the fuck he would go. He probably knows all of that shit. That's probably what the fuck they talk about

those Bilderberg meetings, you know. But the robots they're going to have to replace us. The asteroid coming out is... There's probably... You know what I love about that shit? How the fuck do I even know there is? as an asteroid. What do I go down a sporting goods store and buy a telescope?

And I pointed at what? Like, how do you find that thing? It's got to be hurt. Just, I don't know, how fast is it going? How can you see it? It's not lit up. It's a fucking rock. Jesus Christ. Can you imagine the poor fucking scientist that saw that shit?

He's just sort of, you know, fucking killing his lower back, looking into this telescope. And he's scanning across the Milky way and all of a sudden there's this weird dark patch like what the fuck is that if it was a movie you know what he does he sits up from the telescope and looks sort of like straight just off camera and then looks in it again right and then what happens then comes tom hanks tom hanks is going to figure it out and this time he's not wearing a dress right he's got on a fucking

whatever you call the scuba diving gear, but you go to space. Space suit, there it is. I love how you can't yell fire in a crowded movie theater, but you can sit in front of a group of people and tell them there's an asteroid coming right at us. That's going to destroy half the fucking country. It's going to miss us this time, but it'll be back in seven years. Listen, I want to thank all you guys for having me.

This was fantastic. That guy reminds me of like a comedian that teaches a comedy class. you know because you're standing up there you're not talking to any professional comedians and you're giving me your opinion on stand-up comedy and what's what's anybody going to say nobody there's like a real comic yet so they just got to listen to what you're saying he's like the scientist's version of that he just goes up there and he's got a bunch of me sitting in the crowd like oh is that what's going to happen wow this guy knows a lot of stuff yeah he knows some scary stuff too he didn't seem to have any solutions i don't know is there anything better than the person that figured it all out That's my favorite thing. And now that I'm like Billy Enlightened now, I've been getting along with my wife really well, which is an amazing feat for me, you know? And it's just hilarious now that I kind of understand

that all you have to do is just be nice to the person you're married to and maybe just try chilling out. and I don't know being there for them it's amazing just kind of changes their whole demeanor all of a sudden they want to do that back to you and then you like

you go on Instagram you got all these fucking guys none of whom have found love by the way none of them are like found their soulmate and they are giving you advice on how to fucking set your relationship

up and you fucking get your relationship and what I love too is it's like manipulation They're going with manipulation. It's like you're going to try to manipulate a woman. That is an away game, brother. You're like, that's like you're a boxer and the other person's a brawler and you just meet him at the center of the ring and just start swinging.

You don't want to do it. You want to fight your fight. All right? You want to fight your fight. Okay? And with women, it's all, you got a rope a dope. That's what you got to do. You can't meet him in the center of the ring.

You can't do that shit. You just fucking, you just got to let them punch themselves out. You know? Except you don't grab them by the back of the head and talk shit in their ear like Ali did to George Foreman. You ain't so tough, George? You don't do that. You know, that wasn't a good point, sweetheart. You let her go.

You know, you don't want to do that. You just let him go. You let him run. Like you've got fish on the line. Let the fucking thing run. Let it tire itself out. you know, bring the rod down, crank, crank, crank, crank, bowl, crank, crank, crank, quall.

You just do that. Very. My wife comes at me now. I just, like, all right. And then all of a sudden, their energy's high and your energy's low. And then it's just, they feel stupid. They're up there. What's you doing up there, honey?

I'm down here chilling. I don't know what you're doing. Like, you seem like you're upset about something. We can work this out. We had, like, three things that happened to us that would have been, like, three-day fights this week. And two of them didn't even happen. And then the other one lasted through drop-off. She got all huffy and puffy, went out the door. I was like, all right, I did my podcast. I came back. And I never engaged. Then she just looked at me and she smiled, so I smiled. She goes,

sorry, I'm not a morning person. I shouldn't have come at you like that. I was just like, cool. And it was fucking over. That was it. She goes, I don't want to fight. I hate fighting. I go, I hate fighting too. So he goes, good. I said, all right, that was great. I'm proud of us. That was awesome. Done.

That's it. And if I fuck up, I'm like, you're right. You're right. I'm an idiot. I don't know what to tell you. You know, you should have married up. You didn't. You fucked up.

You married me. So I'm going to work on that, though. And then it's over. But you watch these idiots on Instagram. They're like, you know, first thing you've got to tell her. I will not give up my dream for you. my favorite one. That guy going like, I will love you, I will honor you, but I will not give up

my dream for you, like out of fucking nowhere. She hasn't done anything. Like the appetizer hasn't even hit the fucking table. And you're coming out of that. You think there's going to be a second date? I think the power move there for the woman right there is you go, you know what? okay this date is over and in fairness to you uh let's split the check if you don't like that i will i will i'll pay the whole check if they drove you there just uber i'm good i'm good whatever this is i respect it but it's not what i'm looking for good day sir that's it and he's like well wait I mean, I didn't get through my manipulation technique that I learned on Instagram from a guy who isn't currently in a relationship and never found love.

It is kind of funny, though, how all of those guys, they have like that vibe, like, that guy is, the guy's probably pretty toxic. What is that thing, if you don't know something, that you then try to explain it? Stand-up comedy? What is that urge? So I think we all do it. I've been guilty of that. Oh, you know what I think that is?

Like right there, the listeners should be like, all right, this guy's just taking a guess. I'm going to half listen to this. You know, if I had to guess, you don't have to guess. You could read on it. You could read up on it. You could get back to us. Or we could all just shut the fuck up

and realize that none of us has the answer. You could do that, right? we could do that motherfucker Anyway I gotta get going here I got shit to do man I don't have time to fucking hang out with you guys I really wish I did

I want to thank everybody again who came out to Austin by the way that movie I was telling you about Plant Man and Blondie won a Writers Award at South by Southwest which was totally deserving of God damn it that movie stayed with me I hope it gets a distributor soon and I can tell you guys where it is playing

because I thought it was fantastic. I thought it was absolutely fantastic. I've got to promote a couple, some stand-up dates coming up. North Carolina, I'll be performing at the Durham Performing Arts Center on April 8th for two shows. First shows sold out.

Still some tickets left for the second one. Excited for that. And Rhode Island once voted the most illiterate state in the Union. I don't know if that's true. I'll be at the Centerville Stadium in Pawtucket on June 12th. That's sort of World Cup adjacent type of thing there. I don't know what it is. But I'm going to be up there and probably going by Al Drew's drum. If that place is still around in, was it, Cranston, a Woonsocket? I forget where the

hell it was. I used to go down there when I had my old Slingerlingerlin kit. Anyway, I'm going to be there, June 12th with Tony V. Centerville Stadium in Pawtucket in North Carolina Durham Performing Arts Center April 8th. Come on out, man. All right, simply safe. If you're like me, I hope you not, you're desensitized to dozens of notifications on your phone each day. But if that latest ping is from your security camera, ignoring it could spell disaster. Picture this, somebody's breaking in, that piece of shit.

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Use Burr to save today. Offer is valid for a limited time. Terms and conditions may apply. All right. That's the podcast, everybody. Listen to the music. Picked out by the amazingly talented Andrew Femmelis. Then we'll have a bonus episode of the Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcast.

After this, have a great weekend, your cunts. I love all of you. Thank you so much for coming out to my shows and, you know, giving me a great life. All right? That's it. Go fuck yourself. Bye. Hey, what's going on?

It's Bill Byr. It's time for the Monday morning podcast for Monday, March. 19th, 2018, what's going on? How are you? Is that loud enough? My ears shot? What's going on? I'm really, I'm super late.

I apologize. I apologize to anybody. I may have offended Rolex Americans. Anybody indigenous to the clock world, you know? Oh, sorry, original. I learned that when I was up in Canada. They do not want to be called indigenous. They want to be called the originals.

The OGs. The O'Gs of this shit. That's what they want to be called. Pre-Provances. You white motherfuckers, I believe that's what they said, except they said it with a drum. No, they didn't. The originals up in Canada,

did they communicate through drums, too? You know, it's so funny once white people got their hands on it, all of a sudden all communication just stopped. With that instrument. Well, that's because we invented the fucking folks. You dumb fuck. Hey, keep it fucking classy there. Sorry.

I'm in a fucked up mood. I flew back from Toronto late last night. I was in Kitchener or Kitchener. I have no idea. Came up with a great fucking touristy t-shirt for those people out there. All right? If you can't stand the heat, get out of the Kitchener. Huh?

They need something. They need some swagger out there because everybody was giving me shit. Why are you playing all the way out there? We go. First of all, I was just in Toronto. And then secondly, those people like entertainment, too. But now they got to drive an hour and a half all the way in. They got to pay for parking. If they're going to booze, now they've got to get a room. And all of a sudden becomes this big fucking deal. So I like going to places like Kitchener and Hamilton. That casino on the other side of Detroit. And then there was that other one, that casino Rama, that gig where I left the rental car. Ever tell you guys that fucking story? I left a rental car there, man. We went out, we did the show. I'm not naming any names in this one, okay? Me and some friends of mine, okay? Not my usual friends.

These friends were readers. These were big readers, and they never predicted anything. Okay? They didn't predict someone was going to be a Hall of Famer after one at bat. It was not anybody like that. Wink, wink, nudge, nudge. Anyways, so we were up there at Casino-Rama, and we drove up from someplace else. I can't remember.

We've done a couple of gigs out there. and like March Madness was going on or some sort of ladies hockey for some medal or some shit. I can't remember what. And we went up, did the show, and we went out and got fucking hammered. Hammered, knowing that we had an early flight.

And then I had to return this rental car. So we keep looking at the watch. Guys, you know, we kind of got to be up at 5 a.m. It's midnight. It's five hours sleep. One more, one more. Blah, blah. Next see it.

We got in. I swear to go to go, like three in the frigging morning. and I am hammered. Did I mention I was drunk? I was fucking hammered. So, wake up like two hours later, you know,

with a bunch of snacks open from the fucking hotel bar, one of those nights, you know, trying to get down like another whiskey. I mean, we got one swig out of it, like Denzel in that movie where he fucking flies the plane upside down.

He somehow overcomes losing his rear stabilizer. the first guy ever in the history of aviation. And then I, you know, open can of Pringles and a Kit Kat, I think. So I stumbled downstairs, right? Where, you know, and we get in the fucking car, right? I'm still fucking hammered. I'm like, guys, I'm too fucking drunk to drive.

And they're like, dude, the airport's right down the street. This is how every fatal drinking and driving story happens. It's right down the street. So we look at our fucking GPS because we're still, still on the hotel's fucking thing there. And we were trying to memorize it because none of us got a plan when we were up there. Well, wouldn't you know, we leave the hotel's fucking airspace. And we can't figure out where we're going.

It's fucking low visibility. It's still pitch blackout. And now we have no map. I don't know where I'm at. And we're all fucking hammered. And I was just like, dude, I can't do this. So we literally got like a fucking quarter mile down the street. Turn back around.

Go back to the hotel. We say listen to it. Because we kind of, you know, hit it off with the guy behind the fucking, the counter. Can you do us a favor? You know, whatever. Can you, is there any way you can return this rental car? The guy goes, no problem, no problem. We'll call you a cab.

I got my buddy. He'll come down. He'll return the fucking thing. Blah, blah, blah. No problem. So now we're sweating it, right? But it turns out the pilots and shit are also waiting for a car. And we were on their flight or whatever.

Somehow, I can't remember it. It's all fucking foggy. So we end up getting there. We make the flight back. laughing our asses off. Hey, we did it. You know, what a good shit. That guy returns the fucking car. What an awesome guy, right? And I passed out on the plane and I wake up in L.A.

Like nothing ever happened. So I fucking, maybe like three weeks later, I get this phone call from the rental company. And they were like, yeah, Mr. Burr, are you ever going to return that rental car? I told this story wrong. I shouldn't told you that I left it to the hotel guy. I had completely forgot. I didn't even, that's how drunk I was. I didn't even remember that part where I said that I was going to fucking, that I told

the guy at the hotel. And I was like, yeah, I returned. It returned like three weeks ago. And at this point, I've done like three more road gigs. So I don't even remember it. And I'm like, yeah, yeah, it did. How did you get my number? You keep my number?

I was all about me. So they start badgering me in my fucking world. And I'm just like, you know, like the fourth or fifth phone call. I was like, listen, stop calling me. I returned the rental car. Stop calling me on my cell phone. I'm at work and blah, blah, blah. Then just one time.

I don't know what happened. Like the sixth time they called me, something just clicked. I was like, wait a minute. Was that that gig where I was hammered? And there were clouds on the ground. And the guy behind the counter said he was going to, or some people called fog, were going to fucking return the rental car.

Oh, fuck. So I had to call, after yelling at these people, I had to call him, and be like, yeah, listen, I'm the guy you called like six times ago. I got really drunk and I tried to drop. but I couldn't. The guy at the hotel said he was going to bring him back. I don't think he did.

They ended up fucking going down that the car was still sitting there. I had to pay a month's rental on that thing. I can't even fucking tell you how much money that cost me. But whatever, that's not the big news. The big news, as announced by Barstool Sports. Remember I was telling you Rough and Rowdy was going to be a juggernaut? And I would just blah, blah, blah. And I thought it was just the greatest friggin' idea ever.

It's literally, it's like American Idol meets the UFC. All those people that think they can fucking sing and want to prove it. And then look what happened. Some of them come out of there and they win Grammys. So who knows? Maybe one of these people, when there's Rough and Rowdy thing, could actually someday get in the UFC house, right? And then next thing, you know, fucking, he's on one of those paper views.

But until then, they're at the Barstool Sports Rough and Rowdy. number three, and I'm actually going to be ringside throwing in some jokes. You guys got to get this man. You have to get this fucking pay-per-view. I'm telling you. I'm going to be making fun of people.

I'm going to be making fun of myself. It's $15.99 to watch regular people beat the shit out of each other. You know what I mean? It's the greatest thing. Greatest thing of all time. this is like there's certain things you just see coming you're like this is going to be fucking huge i the second i saw this it's like i'm going to watch every

fucking one of these things and um i don't know i was just talking positively about it and then uh barstool reached out to me with an email and they're like you want to do this so it's just like uh yeah fuck yeah absolutely so i'm going to be there so tune in um let me see if i can get you the date here i'm so fucking excited about this. I can't even tell you. When the hell is it going to be? I'm the worst. Does anybody promote shit worse than me? I know that it's going to be in Charlotte, North Carolina. April 13th.

It's going to be April 13th. Charlotte, North Carolina, former hometown of the nature boy, Rick Flair. I mean, everything's just, this is serendipity. It's all fucking lining up. I can't wait. So please, you and your friends, order the goddamn fight, get yourself some beers. And who knows? Maybe you watch, you're getting inspired and the next time you'll be on it. That's just that easy. You ever want to be on TV?

Try to knock somebody out. Finally, there's a vehicle for you. So anyways, why are you so late today, Bill? Well, I had a busy day. I flew back from Toronto after two awesome shows in Kitchener. They're definitely, they're on the tour list now. They're such awesome people there and a great venue. And so I flew back late at night because I wanted to be, you know, get home late at night.

So when my daughter woke up the next day, I was going to be there. You know what I mean? Because of what I do, you know, I miss some days sometimes, you know. So like literally the UPS guy comes walking up to walk and she's pointing going, da-da, da-da, like I can't handle that. I have too much guilt over it, all right? However, I do have to provide for my family. So anyways, I hung with my daughter in the morning, and then I had this meeting from 10 to 12. And then when I came back, my laugh told me that she was going to take our daughter to go see the Easter Bunny.

And I was like, well, I don't want to miss that. So I went over there. And, you know, last year she was fine because she was only like, you know, four or five months old. And this year, she's like, you know, coming up on a year and a half or whatever. And, you know, I just felt this vibe. I was just, she was looking at the fucking person in this outfit, and I'm just looking at it like, I don't know about this one, right? So we're trying to be like, hey, and the bunny's fucking waving at her and shit. And I went up and I'm shaking the rabbit's hand and stuff like, see, it's safe.

It's not cutting my head off. And she's just looking at the rabbit like, I don't know about this, man. She's like that dude in platoon. I got a bad feel about this, man. So we bring her up there and immediately, like I go to kind of hand her to the fucking dude in the bunny suit. and I just feel her just grabbed two handfuls of my t-shirt. I'm like, oh, no. And then she started screaming, and then I handed it to my wife.

My wife ended up having to sit down with her, with the rabbit. She's totally crying, totally freaked out and all that. And the whole time, I'm just sitting there going, why do we do this to kids? Why am I doing this? And freaking this kid out with a fucking person in a goddamn bunny suit. It makes no sense to the kid. And at the end, at the end of all of this horseshit, it's a fucking lie.

The whole thing is a fucking lie. And then one day you've got to turn around and tell your kid it's not real. And it's just this selfish adult thing because you love your kids so much. You want to see them get excited. You know, and you grew up and you saw how mean and cold-hearted the world is. You just want to see them fucking believe in something. And then just early on, you just brought. break their trust by telling them that there's these fucking people that come by.

Some of them are animals. I mean, some of them are fairies and all of this shit. But then what do you do? Do you tell your kid that they don't exist? And then they go to school to come to school like some grizzled fucking vet. Yeah, let me tell you some kids, it's all bullshit, right? Just tell all these kids that the bunny doesn't exist and Santa Claus doesn't exist. that everybody's getting fucking mad at your kid.

It's a great life lesson. Actually, for your kid. That's what happens when you tell the truth. He's on his fucking stump right now. Yeah, if you ever want to get yelled at that, there you go. Send your kid to school with the truth about Santa Claus and the Easter, buddy. And you just say to your kid, just say, listen, everybody talks about reading to your kid, trying to give him a head start and all that.

Why don't you fucking give him a head start? and not fucking tell them about all of that shit. One of my relatives did that with one of my nephews. And the kid grew up fine. They just sat him down and like, yeah, listen, it's all bullshit. You know? I remember when I found out, my older brother told me. And he felt betrayed.

And when he told me, I felt like an adult. I was like, no way. You know, thanks for the heads up. then I sat there and kept my mouth shut like an old school mobster. I never told my other brothers. Never said shit. I just sat there. Oh yeah,

he's coming right down that fucking chimney. Then I sit there laughing. Listen to my younger brothers telling me stories. I saw a slag her right off the roof. Oh, did you? You're lying piece of shit. You know? Let me know who they really were.

I learned who I could trust in my family, having that inside information. I think that's why they're trying to get that Alexa in everybody's house. So then they can tell, you know, who they can trust and who they can't trust. And not really for a good reason either. You know?

They're as corrupt as I am except they're running shit. I have no idea what I'm talking about right now. I lied to you guys earlier. I didn't have a meeting from 10 to 12. What I did was I went out and I flew out to Camerio and then down the coast along Malibu on one of the most perfect fucking days ever while the whales are migrating.

Okay. I should have literally had like fucking yoga music playing in my fucking, uh, headset. It was, it was fucking unbelievable. It's unbelievable. So, uh, whatever.

Sorry. Okay, you got me. I apologize. And we were supposed to take our kid, I'm going to be totally honest with you guys. And I was supposed to take the kid to see the Easter money tomorrow. And then my wife's schedule flip-flopped around.

And it was more convenient for her to go today. It was more convenient. for us to go tomorrow, but it's more convenient for her to go today. So what do you think happened? You know what happened. God damn it. You know exactly what happened. Oh, I went to a Toronto Raptors game.

By the way, on the Sunday. And I went to that OKC game. The game was like fucking 132 to 126, something crazy like that. It was almost like an all-star game score. And we had great seats and all of that stuff. It just was fucking awesome. Great fan base, too. Jesus Christ.

I knew you guys loved the Leafs. obviously Toronto's doing great this year, but it's a really fun game to watch. And that knocked off. Now, I've seen every professional Canadian fucking team, a home game of them, except for the goddamn fucking Ottawa senators. And every time I schedule something to go see one of their games, something comes up and I can't make it. All right?

First time, unfortunately, one of my great friends in life passed away, and I had to go to the funeral and all that. So that's understandable. All right. And the second time, it was just like, all right, I'm flying in two days early. I'm a dad now. I'm going to miss 48 hours with my daughter to go to a fucking Ottawa senator's game. I couldn't justify it. So I canceled that. So it really has nothing to do with Ottawa or their franchise or any of that type of shit. But I believe that they're actually making a new arena. Isn't that unbelievable? It's like, what is wrong with the other one? The other one is totally fine. That's like the Atlanta Braves moving out of their totally perfect.

fine baseball stadium. The Atlanta Falcons moving out of their totally perfectly fine fucking dome. Like, what are we doing? And then they take, what do they do with all of that material? And once they not, someone should make a fucking documentary on that. When they knock down a fucking stadium that works fine.

All right? But the owners are like, fucking move them, you fat fuck. I'm sick of seeing cities being held hostage by these fucking crybaby owners, especially the fucking NFL. those fucking assholes such a great game such a crew of cunce though that runs it

how much more fucking money do those assholes need to me need to make before they'll pony up for a fucking stadium without threatening everybody that they're going to walk out no one foal well that most people are like me and they don't read

they don't have any other passions they got nothing else going on in their life no one foal well that if they the politicians would be like well if we let this fucking thing go. I'm not going to get voted into office. I remember Bob Kraft, even though he ponied up money for the stadium, he was going, oh, I'm going to bring it down to Connecticut.

Him and his dumb fucking loafers. I love the guy. There's two things that happened in the, well, there's a bunch of things that happened. My history is a Patriot fan that bugged me. Bill Parcells telling the team that he was allegedly, that he wasn't coming back the next year before we played the Green Bay Packers. that's why I've still yet to watch the two bills okay

because somebody who was not connected to the football team told me a long time ago that he did that and I believed it back then the way I believed that there was a Santa Claus Bill Parcells has the same body type as Santa Claus and the whole thing comes together and I've just never been able to fucking forgive the guy for something that I'm not even sure

if he even did okay what else when Bob Kraft said he was going to move him to Connecticut, that was fucking annoying. We should have let him do it. Go ahead. Move him to Connecticut. Move into the fucking Hartford Whalers old building. See if you can make it work down there. You can't make anything work in fucking Connecticut.

They're too divided. You know, some are giant fans, some are Patriot fans. Some are dirt poor. The others are in the Illuminati. Some clan members. I mean, think about that. What fucking product can you sell that's going to appeal to all of those people? There's a reason why Connecticut lost the whalers.

They deserved it. No, I'm just kidding. I was actually talking to somebody when I was up in Canada that, like, what was great about the fucking hockey divisions when I was a kid, when I was just the lad, the Adams Division and the Patrick's Division, if you had a fucking car, you could literally drive to every road game your team had within a division, you could probably get there within, you know, a couple of hours, except for the Quebec Nordiques. They were way the fuck up there. You jumped on a plane.

They were all just like fly to Montreal, fly to Buffalo, drive down to Hartford. Then you had the Nordic. It was Nordiques, the Canadians, the Sabers, the whalers, and the Bruins. I feel like I'm missing somebody. That was so long ago. And then the Patrick Division. You have the islanders, the Rangers, the devils, the flyers, and the capitals. All five of them were right there.

And then the road trip, the long one, was Pittsburgh. All of them right fucking there. It's like when you used to see like those things they do in like, you know, back in the day when baseball was all on like the East Coast essentially. And they would just take trains. And there was two teams in Boston, three teams in New York, two teams in Philadelphia. The Philadelphia Athletics, the Philadelphia Phillies, the New York Giants, the Brooklyn Dodgers, the New York Yankees, formerly the New York Highlanders, formerly the original Baltimore Orioles, then the new Baltimore Orioles, formerly the St. Louis Browns. Isn't it amazing? I know all of this shit and can't do fucking simple math and have no idea what's going on in the world. I tried to get a little smarter, though, on the flight back. I watched this, Ken Burns did this whole thing on Vietnam, and I watched one that was basically 1970.

the 1971. And what I loved about the documentary is he does not spare the horrors of all of those people. Just showing the dead bodies and all of that shit and just like, and just done so evenhandedly. People who protested the war. This one Marine was saying, like, I had no problem with people protesting the war. You know, that's one of the great things about this country and all that type of stuff. But like those people that were like yelling at him and punching his car and all that shit,

like they took it too far. And I found that really interesting, you know, that you can, you can, because we're kind of, I feel like we're living that right now to the left, except for some reason they're not protesting this never-ending fucking war that is bankrupting this country. Because the people in power geniusly have sold this one that if you criticize it, you don't support troops and you're a socialist slash, I think you're in ISIS. I think that's the way it goes. If you're even just as an American going like, hey, man, like, I'm down with this country and stuff, but we're spending a billion dollars a month to fight 3,500 people on a jungle gym, the train on a jungle gym. Like, that's just from my business standpoint, how are we going to continue to sustain this?

If you just even ask that, that's immediately put into the, you don't support the troops, you don't appreciate people fighting for your freedom, you're a piece of shit. Let's ruin your career. And I feel that they learned that in Vietnam. When they kind of learned that if they lost the, obviously, you'll lose the public support. Eventually, you're going to lose the fucking war. You're watching these people giving these speeches. So we don't end up at another Vietnam and blah, blah, blah, blah.

And then just seeing some of these hippies acting like Me Too people, you know, totally just taking it too far that if somebody even looks like their whole life should just fucking be destroyed. You know what I mean? One person tries to look up a skirt as somebody's walking up a stairs, you know, flight of stairs. All of a sudden they're doing jello shots with Harvey Weinstein out in some Godforsaken place in fucking Arizona. I got a great reality show. You have Harvey Weinstein and O.J. Simpson. They do a road trip, right? And they got, it's like they start in L.A.

and they got 36 hours to get to Atlanta to pick up Paula Dean. It's like the gumball rally, you know, and then she, because then she has to go into this big brother house and decide whether or not she wants to marry Dog the Bounty Hunter. I'm just throwing this out there. Like, this is just a, and I want to host it. And have all these dumb events, like fucking that guy and Survivor that screams at everybody. My wife always watches Survivor. and I just can't.

It's so fucking, I get so much anxiety. You know, Blue team slowing down. They need to hurry up. It's like, shut the fuck up. We know what we need to do. You explain the game, you fucking shredded cunt. He is in great shape for the amount of it, you know. He's got to be sick of it, though.

I feel like with that guy, every, I feel like for me, I feel every fucking season, he gets a little more angry. Because at some point, I mean, it's just to finally, oiled machine, but like he sort of has stopped growing as a person. Because now we're stuck in Groundhog Day. And it's just like, and they do, like, they've been on the air for like 18 years and they're like in their 50th season. Like, I don't know how many times this poor bastard has to fly to a fucking island in Fiji

and yell at people about, you know, how they need to bring a plate of fucking peas, you know, while walking on some fire, whatever the fuck it is that that guy does. Can you imagine just just sitting there trying to think of another. fucking thing that they have to do. I don't know. I have no idea. It's like that American Ninja. Was it American Ninja Warrior?

Which I love that show too. But it's just like every fight. I think somebody's got to sit there and think of a something that requires even more grip strength. I swear to God, by the time they get in their 50 seasons, you're going to have to fucking be doing pull-ups. You know, only holding on with your feet. The people who train for that thing, you know, you're going to have a whole, generations are going to continue to train for that thing.

I swear to God, our big toe is going to start sliding down the left side of your foot or the right side of your foot, depending on which one you're looking at. You're going to have thumbs again, like a fucking ape. By the way, I saw one of the best fucking YouTube videos. You don't like to do like those mashups, you know? And a lot of times, you just pick two songs that are to the same tempo, right? And you just fucking take the music out of one. You take the lyrics to me all that you slam it together.

I know, you know, maybe speed it up a little bit. but somebody did rats round and round with Marvin Gay. I heard it through the grapevine. Check on the Twitter page. We just posted it or we have it posted by the time this is up. And just the way it fits is incredible. Like it actually sounds right. And then I was, I don't know what the fuck.

I was just on YouTube looking at a bunch of videos. And I somehow found this band where this guy. does this impression of Michael McDonald and he's singing Iron Maiden's run to the hills but it's totally sung like Michael McDonald and the music that they wrote sounds like a Michael McDonald's song

because I was sitting there listening going how the fuck do I know this song she's like White Man came across the sea he brought us pain in misery I won't torture you anymore. Kiela took a game.

I said, He took a game for his own need. You got to listen to music underneath it. It sounds like right around the time when he was working with Steely Dan doing all of that shit. Whoever would have thought that some band could sit there and write some blue-eyed soul to fucking Iron Maiden. All right, with that, let me do a little. We'll post that one too. We'll probably already have it posted by the time you listen to this, right?

All right. Hang on a second. Hang on a second. All right. I got to do the fucking reads here for the week. I got to do the fucking reads here for the week. All right. Oh my God.

Speaking of Vietnam. Speaking of Vietnam. Bike mechanic from Vietnam. How fucking weird is that? You know, who would have thought? Who would have thunk? that I would talk about Ken Burns, Vietnam. By the way, I have to watch.

Ken Burns, I swear to God, Ken Burns could do a fucking nine-part documentary on clipping your goddamn toenails, and I would watch that. All right, because he would somehow, it would be fascinating. And speaking of amazing television that I watched when I was on the plane, let me make sure I get the name of the show right. I watched that new Mike Judge animated show. What is it? Torbus?

From the tour bus. Has anybody watched that yet? He basically talks to all these fucking lunatic outlaw country singers. Okay? And they tell stories about being out on the road. I've yet to go. I've yet to see one where somebody didn't pull a gun on somebody. Three out of four that I watched, the people involved actually shot the other person.

One got off. One went to jail. I'm telling you. The ones I watched, I watched the Jerry Lee Lewis, Johnny Paycheck, and then there was this guy, Billy Joe, something or other, and there was one other one that I watched. They were unbelievable. And you know if Mike Judge is doing it.

It's going to be quality. I mean, beefers and butthead, office space. Oh, Christ, what's the name of this? King of the Hill. Jesus Christ, my brain's going to mush. Idiocracy, which a lot of people didn't see. Because it went straight to fucking, you know, this is a little too accurate. Anyways, I cannot say enough about that show.

I have to watch every fucking one of those. And you're really seeing like basically an America that no longer exists. Half the shit that they do, it's like, dude, there's no fucking way you could do that now. Just with all the cell phone cameras and all of that. and you just peer into the way, I don't know, the way men, an extreme version of an American male thought back in the day, the way they handled shit, their thought process.

It just was just, I can't even, like, on like 20 different fucking levels, that show is unbelievable. You have to watch it. The guy's on his, got one of these, I'll ruin one thing. This guy is on trial for shooting this guy in the face. Okay? And the judge goes, well, couldn't you just ran away or walked away saying he didn't have to do it, basically?

And the guy looks at the judge. He's like, he's like, buddy, I'm from Texas. We don't run. He says that at his own fucking trial. Anyways, I don't know. I'm butchering it. You got to see it. The part where fucking Jerry Lee Lewis considers.

Driving over Liberace so there'd be, quote, one less piano playing motherfucker that he had to compete with. Just imagine that animated. That's, I, it's, it's incredible show. Incredible show. And I resent every podcast listener for not telling me that it existed. You probably did. I just missed the emails. All right.

Okay. Here we go. Bike mechanic from Vietnam. Hey there, Mr. Billy O. Rice Ball. I found your podcast. last year and have been listening ever since. I'm currently a bike mechanic at a local shop here in Hanoi, Vietnamese born and raised. Well, I bet you get a ton of work.

Everybody rides bikes over there, right? And I'm basing that on Hollywood movies that I've seen. All right. Actually, Tom Rhodes always does gigs over there and tells me how beautiful it is. And Tom Rhodes is going to be in Vietnam. He was telling me, in the next couple of months, I believe, at least this year. but the date is. All right.

I recently met the loveliest Colombian lady. Oh, they're beautiful. Beautiful women. In the world at the shop, and I am smitten. I don't doubt it. The problem is,

she's only going to be here for one month before continuing to the next destination on a world tour. And what better time for you to get in there in between those guys?

I'm sorry, have a nice romance. She's covering from my fellow coworker who's on a trip of her own traveling across the country. I'm happy enough to have a month to spend with her. I don't care if she's going to be gone forever afterwards. I have no idea what to do, though.

Always have been with women. I've got no game. I'm always a bit needy. Oh, that's a bad one. Not knowing what to say is easy. That's easy. You've got to start bombing like a comedian. Like the way a person learns how to become a comedian.

You just write some shit. You don't know if it's funny. You go up there. You fucking, you know, lose on nine out of ten. But you keep that one. and you build off of that and then eventually you have an act. All right? Needy.

You can't be needy. I'm a bit needy and I'm constantly doubting myself. All right. Well, I'm with you on the second one. And whether or not she likes me, I know it's a good thing to do and I should stop thinking that way, but it's not easy for me. I guess I need some words of advice and encouragement. thank you very much and go hug yourself.

I would, you just, you just got to, the thing about doubting yourself and being needy and all of that and just being filled with doubt and no confidence is that is, that's one of those things where when you're really young, the sooner you address that, the better your life is going to be. Okay? Because that, you're so young at this point that it's not, I don't think it's, it just doesn't have its midst in you. Like if you try to deal with it in your late 30s the way I did. So, and then you find out all this shit you were afraid of that you thought was I got to walk up this fucking mountain. It was this, it was like stepping up under a curb. So first of all, in a good way, who gives a fuck? If you ask this. chick out and she shoots you down. Who gives a fuck? All you

have is a funny fucking story and an experience asking a woman out. Especially if you think she's out of your league. That's even better. You know, anything you want to do, you got to play with people that are better than you if you

want to get better. Playing sports, you know, like I remember this guy was telling me about as far as like getting together if you play an instrument jamming with people. Like when we were kids, it always always would be like hey, we should jam. Well, how long you've been playing? Oh, I've been playing four years.

Oh, I've only been playing a year. I can't play. You can be too good. It's like, no, you should go play with them because they're going to pull you up. All right? So it's the same thing with this thing. You got this beautiful Colombian woman. She's going to be leaving soon.

So first of all, the fact that there's going to be no relationship beyond this, there's going to be no pressure. So the level of fun that you guys can have is going to be ridiculous. So I would just start hitting on her personally. Just make subtle comments. Just tell us whatever she's wearing. Tell us she looks good. She asks, I don't know,

she ain't wear this. You always, you look good and everything. Really? Yeah, I think you're beautiful. Just like that. And fuck all these fucking women, too. I'm going to be like, you're harassing her at work.

Fuck off. Okay, he's a guy. At some point, he has to get off the wall and try and make something happen. Okay, it'd be one thing if women hit on guys, then we could sit there and be like, don't talk about my pecks like that. God, stop complimenting me. I'm not saying to be a creep, all right?

But you got to let her know that you like her. So, that's what I would do. I would just compliment her, make her laugh. Just be in a good, just be a funny, chill, fucking person. All right? Don't be overly aggressive. Don't be fucking needy. of that shit freaks him the fuck out.

Just freaks them out. They run in the other fucking direction. So I don't know. I don't know if you got a sense of humor or whatever. It seems like you do the way you wrote this shit. And a lot of people that are needy and doubt their selves are funny people. Okay? So I compliment her.

Be a little self-deprecating about yourself. Then she goes, no, I think you look good. Blah, blah, blah. Now she takes a step in your direction and then just fucking go from there. And then just one day just look at it and say, hey, listen, I know you're only going to be here for like a month, but I really like you. I think you're beautiful and I'd love to go out with you. Let's go hang out.

Let's go do something. I'll fucking, I'll see that pile of shit over there. I'll turn that into a bicycle. I'll put you on the handle bars. I'll drive you around. Go see a movie of some shit. Who gives a fuck what she says? I'll tell you what.

If she says no, that is going to hurt way less than for the rest of your fucking life sitting there going, you know, why the fuck didn't I ever try to fucking ask ask that Colombian chick out? That lasts a lifetime. A woman shooting you down. Like, all you got to do, you know how long that lasts? That lasts as long as however long it takes to call one of your friends to tell him the funny story.

Back when I started off as a comedian, I swear to God, I was bombing so much that it got to the point while I was bombing. I was already thinking about calling Patrice and telling him the story and listening to him laugh at me because it used to always make me feel better. Or Dane or Bobby or any of those other guys that I started out with. and like all the humiliation it was almost like oh good i'm bombing i have a funny story to tell those other guys and it stopped being like a negative thing um so there you go i don't want to fucking oversell you on this shit but uh good for you you're young you're in a beautiful country and a beautiful woman's going to be there for a month fucking uh you're supposed to have fun all right so there you go good luck to you sir all right thelma and louis

All right, I mentioned last podcast that me and Nia sat down and watched that movie, and how incredible a movie that is, how poignant it is now. You could almost look at a Thelma Louise, like it was warning all of these people now. They've got these YouTube fucking cases that they had fucking had enough and that they're sick because it's literally every, like, strain of different type of creepy guy or lying or whatever the fuck you want to call it. and held up really well. And then I was talking about that Christopher McDonald, who plays Daryl.

What? What? That guy? Um, just blew me away. All right. He said, Bill,

regarding your mention of Thelman Louise on the March 12th, Monday morning podcast, a couple of things I learned about that movie from the book, off the cliff, how the making of Thelman Louise drove Hollywood to the edge by Becky Aikman. drove it to the edge. I don't know about that. The movie was almost made with Jody Foster and Michelle Pfeiffer in the lead roles.

Isn't that amazing after they cast it? And then you try to picture new people in there. You're like, that wouldn't have worked. You know, both of them are incredible actresses. You're like, that. Why the fuck would you put them in there? Chris and McDonald, who played Thelma's husband, Darrell, has been engaged to Gina Davis at one time.

A few years before the movie. Oh, wow. He also nearly stole the movie by improvising a lot of his role, much to the amusement of director Ridley Scott. Yeah, I thought he was, if you watch Harvey Keitel, he's literally just laughing when watching the, what this guy's doing. Three, the role of Hunky Cowboy

originally went to Stephen Baldwin. I didn't know that. Who backed out at the last second to be in backdraft. That's understandable. I'd probably get a bigger role. Five actors were brought back to audition with Gina Davis. Four brunettes and an unknown blonde named Brad Pitt. Davis loved Pitt and he ended up getting the job.

Years later, Davis found herself on a plane seated next to George Clooney. Clooney made a comment about Pitt stealing a role from him when they were both getting started in the business. Turns out it was the Thelma and Louise part. No way. I love this shit. We should do more of this on the podcast. George was one of the four brunettes and Davis had never known it.

Wow. What the fuck airline is that? It's definitely not Southwest Group B. I can tell you that right now. All right. Also, just saw the Ricky Jervase Netflix special Humanity. In it, he has a nice bit after the 40-minute mark about intolerance, especially related to comedy.

There's another segment right after the one-hour mark where he just discusses rape jokes and people's reaction to them, would have crossed the border to see you in Kitchener tonight, but after all, it is St. Patrick's Day, and there are bar crawls and drinking etiquettes to be observed. Erin go bra, you alabino, you albino fucking leprechaun. I fucked that up. That's Aaron go bra, you alabino leprechaun.

Anyways, oh, you know something? I actually learned a lot about Kitchener because I was asking, I go, what did you guys used to make here that just had that vibe? And they all laughed. And I guess that was the place where they used to make Crown Royal. The Seagram's family was from there. And Joe Bartnick, who should be on their Wall of Fame, has said, he said he's thrown out at least 400 of those purple bags in his lifetime.

They also make. the best striper, striper, the best sniper rifles in the world where you can basically be deadly accurate from two and a half miles away. And I was joking about that, like the power of that, like how relaxed you could be.

You know what I mean? You're two and a half miles away from the emergency. You know, your cell phone's there. So you're just going to be like, yeah, I wasn't there. Check out my cell phone. You know?

All you do is put a silencer on the end of the fucking thing and you just start talking to one of your friends. And then you're just looking two and a half miles down the road at this motherfucker guy. That's that son of a bitch, right? You got the gun half disassembled by the time it fucking hits the guy. And you're gone. Perfect fucking murder. You know what's funny?

All these gun nuts are going to write in. Actually, they'd be able to trace the bullet and they would, you know, every day of the serial numbers on those guns. Shut up. I'm joking. It's a fucking joke. Anyways, you know what's great about St. Patrick's Day? was I wasn't even aware that it was St. Patrick's Day

when I did the Kitchener gig. And we drove all the way back and then we partied at this place called the Bill Hicks Bar. And you go into the bathroom, they had all these quotes of you know, Bill Hicks on the wall. It was a bunch of stand-up comics hanging out there and we had a great time

because we reached out. We were trying to find a place where we could actually hang out and drink some non-alcoholic beers. And we want to thank everybody there at the sober Bill Hicksbar for letting us act like gentlemen. All right, Bill, I'm a 20-year-old, and I lost my older girlfriend who has kids. Congratulations.

This is a fucking, this is a problem. Hey, Bill, I've been a fan for a while, and I know you have plenty of advice in that shiny head of yours. Not saying any of it's good or professional. For the last four months, I've really been beating myself up because I didn't stand up for myself. And I let the most amazing girl I've ever met go back to her ex because I didn't think I could support her and her two kids. I've had many girlfriends before. Dude, you're 20 before her.

And I've been sad about a breakup, but not like this. I was drinking heavily and taking pain pills. Dude, don't do that because I know I can't have her back. I don't know how to move forward from here. I've gotten myself off the pills. Great. And I've cut down the drinking, but I can't seem to feel anything for any other girl. I just don't really have any drive without her.

What should I do now? Thanks, even if you don't get around to this. First of all, forgive yourself. All right? There's not a person out there, all right, that hasn't fucking fucked up a relationship. Unless you just marry the first person that you're with, you know like they used to do back in the turn of last century hey i do you i mean i fucked up like three before i found nea just just really fucked them up and thought i'd never get past

i mean you know what you do this is a great time for you okay because you're what you're learning to do is pick yourself up off the mat do you remember you ever see that george foreman fight when he fights ali and he goes down and decades later they asked him about being down the canvas and he said you know what you know what the truth is he goes i could have got up i just never been there before all right and after that look at him the guy came back when he was like in his 40s and won the fucking heavyweight title um so look this is the first time he'd been knocked on your ass like this and this is great you're going to learn something from it and uh you're single and you know what the fact that you can't feel anything about anybody else knew is because you're a

good person. You actually have feeling for this other person. So what you do is you just fucking go out, hang with your friends, have a good time. If you meet some chick, she asked you what your deal is. Say, I just went through a bad breakup, blah, blah, blah, blah. And I swear to God, they'll want to cheer you up so much. You'll probably get a fucking blowjob out of it. I'm telling you. They love a fucking fixer-upper. They love a little sad, goddamn face. Just say, I fucked up a relationship and I'm heartbroken about it. What's going on with you? As opposed to fucking, you know, leading them on and acting like you like him and then

they find out you hung up on some other girl. That's when they get mad and fucking due to destruction of property and not get prosecuted for it. You know? There's actually a commercial out right now where this woman's just breaking this guy's shit and throwing it out the window. Like that's totally fucking fine. You know, I don't understand that at all.

So that's what I would say. Okay, buddy, I got to be honest with you. Okay. I know she's great and everything, but she's older than you and she has kids. That's a hell of a fucking thing to paratroop into. All right? Just someday, you're going to meet another one. You're going to find the real fucking thing.

All right. And, you know, there's not going to be, oh, can you support me and all my fucking kids that I had with somebody else? Or I'm going to go back to that guy. That sounds like a fucking country song here, dude. You don't need that shit. You're going to find some fucking girl. You're going to, who knows, a year from now, two years to now, three, four years, whatever. You're going to find the fucking love of your life.

Okay? And you know what you're going to wish you did someday during the time before you met her? It's fucking went out and had a good time and banged everything you possibly fucking could. But then fucking reason consensually with a condom. There, did I say it right? Go out and have a great fucking time. Enjoy your fucking life. Because someday you're going to make the girl your dreams, the person you're supposed to be with.

All right? And you're going to get married and you're going to have a kid. And then even though you love all of them and everything, You know, your podcast is going to be late because you got to go down to the Easter buddy. You got to do it. You can't miss that shit. And all your free time is going to be gone.

It's not going to be a bad thing because you're going to love your kids so much. However, you are going to think back to a lot of the free time. You're thinking, Jesus Christ, why the fuck didn't I do this and that? So all this woman did was give you a great opportunity to go out and fucking enjoy yourself. All right? And when nobody's looking, put your face in the pillow and fucking cry it out of you. Do it every day.

That's what they do. You got to cry yourself. They never tell guys to do that, right? Cry yourself into acceptance. Forgive yourself and all of that shit. And in the meantime, have a great fucking time. All right. Go get a kegator.

Watch a little March Madness. Go to the gym. Get in great shape. There's all kinds of positive things you can do. All right. Wife cheated on me night before our wedding. Oh, boy. Oh, boy.

The next one is fucked my roommate's sister. Jesus Christ. the fucking animals that listen to this podcast. It's almost like I attract them with my own ignorance. All right, wife cheated on me night before our wedding. Dear Billy Hotlips, my wife and I have been happily married for 13 years. We live in Tulsa, Oklahoma. Well, not to get selfish here with your extremely painful story,

but I'm going to be at the Brady Theater in Tulsa, Oklahoma coming in the next few months. Okay. All right, where we met at the university of, I'm not going to say the university. We have two children ages 10 and 7 and have a really comfortable life together. The other night, I took my wife out for a date, night, dinner, and bowling. The bowling sounds lame, but remember, it's Tulsa. Dude, bowling is this shit. You get in a league?

It's fucking awesome. Anyways, my wife and I went up to the bar at the bowling alley, and when the bartender saw her, he gave her a weird look sort of like, haven't I met you before? After taking our order, he came back with drinks and said, Enjoy, Mitzie. I was shocked when he knew her name, and I gave my wife a puzzled look. We took the drinks and went back to our lane, and I asked her how he could know her name.

She said she has no idea and checked her shirt as if for some reason she was wearing a name tag. After a few minutes when she couldn't think of an excuse or a lie, she dropped a bomb on me. She told me that he was the bartender from the hotel where we had our wedding reception. She said the night before our wedding, after our rehearsal dinner, her and her bridesmaids went to the hotel to sleep and stopped at the lobby bar for a couple of drinks. Everyone then went up to bed, but my wife, good friends.

Oh, everyone went to Belmont, but my wife snuck down to go talk to the bartender. Oh, wait a minute. My apologies to her friends. She told him that she's getting married tomorrow, but once one more night with another man before giving herself to me. So she took him up to the honeymoon suite and had sex with him, which, by the way, is the same bed that we consummated our marriage in the next night. Oh, God.

She told me she was never going to tell me because it meant nothing more than her wanting to end her single life with a bang, not a whimper. Literally a bang. She claims she has never had doubts about us and that she is sorry that I feel. found out, but she doesn't regret the cheating because it assured her that she had found the guy who she wants to be with forever. Yeah, buddy, you try the same thing and then tell her that. Hey, it meant nothing. And when I was banging her, I was like, you know what? Yeah, yeah, I am with the right broad. After hearing this, I asked if she had cheated since we've been married and she said no, which I believe. We left the bowling alley and drove home in bitter silence.

I'm not spoken to her in about a week now other than when it pertains to the kids and other important matters. She's been sleeping in the guest room because she knows I don't want to be around her. However, I know I need to confront her about this, but I am unsure how to go about it. I think the only scenarios are divorce

are basically accepting and forgiving. Neither of which I want to do it this moment. Which is you're fucking right. I'm not telling any of my family or friends about this because I'm embarrassed, so I'm hoping you can give advice. Love the podcast and go fuck yourself. I'd tell her exactly what you just told me.

Just say that the only two possible scenarios here are divorce or me accepting and forgiving. But I'm not ready to do either one at this moment. Okay? And you're going to have to accept that and my mood around you because of your actions. All right? And by the way, I'm not telling any of my family and friends about this because I'm so embarrassed. Okay? And then I would recommend.

men going to some sort of couples therapy because that is a mind fuck beyond any of my bar room fucking advice. But you seem pretty well emotionally where you know exactly what you're feeling and why you're

feeling it. I would just communicate it to her and she better not pull this shit of like, see, just not going to talk to me for him and make it about herself. I don't know. I think the only way, how do you stay? I mean, you got to stay because the kids are there, which is such a fucking situation. And then, um, all right, the positive side is she actually

fucking owned up to it. Negative. She waited 13 years and two kids. All right, let's not do the positive and negative because I feel like, uh, once this is going to be like a fucking bad Super Bowl here. Um, yeah, I don't know. What is the solution? You get to fuck somebody? I don't know. And it sounds to me like you didn't even want to do that. So that's not going to be a fucking solution. I don't know. I would get professional help when you're ready to sit down and talk about it.

Listen, it'd be one thing if you were fucking early on in your goddamn relationship, but you would get married the next day and then fucked in the own gut, you don't, in literally that bed. I have to be honest with you, man. That's pretty hardcore. That's like God. level piece of shit behavior. Although women are totally capable of it, that's just that that's not their MO

because they're so good at being pieces of shit that everybody thinks they're not. We're guys, we just constantly get caught with their fucking pants down. Oh, you said you're going to be home later. That's your fucking excuse? Well, I mean, aren't you also being dishonest? All right. Fucked my roommate's sister. Boy.

All right. Dear Billy Burnicles. I fuck my roommate's sister and I now need your help. My roommate's sister, that's the only I can get through these because these are so fucking said. My roommate's sister was in town this weekend while he was out of town. She was going to the bars with some friends and crashing on her brother's bed in my place or what have you. She invited me out with her.

And I said, fuck yeah. I'm paraphrasing on this. You know, she is pretty much our same age, mid-20s. As I hung out with a lot of our, you know, and it has hung out a lot with our group of friends, and I've known her for five years now, and consider her a friend outside of just my friend's sister. This is how I justify what the fuck I did at the end of this letter.

So I figured, what the hell? Maybe she could be a good wingman. I could hit it off with one of her friends. Unfortunately, that wasn't what happened. Hey, Nia just walked in. Nia. This guy just found out. He was at a bowling alley.

He's in a bowling leave with his wife or whatever. They're out bowling. Can I just ask a question? Was that your attempt at a southern accent or what was that that you were just doing? Oh, because these are so sad. I just have to do it in a silly accent because I don't hear it. Was that a bad accent? Yeah.

No, it is. And it's a funny accent. Okay. I mean, yeah, funny. I'm not trying to be like legitimately. Oh. Jesus. fucking Christ.

Fucking funny you. Yeah. Yeah, I did. Hi. Criticism. It never ends. Let's, uh, that's your idea of a, uh... Yeah, I'm giving you shit.

Okay, I just seem like... I'm on the podcast. Why are you being so sensitive? Because it sounded like you were serious. Oh, see, now you're on Instagram. You're going to get all, like, weird about stuff, man. I don't even know what that. I tell you right now, I can't even, I don't even understand Instagram.

What? Where are at all the whores? What? Where are all the whores? the Instagram horrors. All I get is just shit from the people that I know. Do you want to be following Instagram models? I want to see them.

Well, I'm sure after this, people will send you loads of links. Well, half the ones you look at. What do you think of these shoes? What are the other shoes? What are those tits hanging out? Oh! So this guy, he's out bowling. Is Taney, is your fucking ice coffee

big enough for you? It's a smoothie. And this is a regular size. I love you. All, you. Oh, you guys who drink smoothies to lose weight. It's like a giant chocolate shake. I'm not, this is not obviously to lose I just wanted a nice, natural fucking drink. Do we need to start

again? I guess so. We're getting off in the wrong time. So this fucking guy goes out to bowl in. I's been married 13 years. He's got two kids, like a 10 year old and a fucking 7 or 8 year old, something like that, right? So they're bowling, and they go up to get some drinks and said when they went up to her, the

bartender kind of gave his wife a weird look. And then when he gave the drinks to her. He said, hey, have a good night, Mitzie, like knew her name. So they go back over and he goes, how do fuck the... He know your name, and she acted dumbfounded to the point of actually pretending to look for her name

on her shirt, I don't know. And then she just couldn't come up with a good line. She finally just said the night before their wedding, she banged the guy. But hasn't banged anyone since. She goes... She said, her and her friends were downstairs in the hotel lot.

Bobby drinking. They all went to bed. And the night she snuck down and told the bartender, she wanted one last bang literally before she got married and went up to the honeymoon suite where they consummated their marriage the next night and fucked that guy in that bed. Oh, Mitzie. You are a dirty dog. And then claim that she never did anything like that again. I mean, that's pretty reptilian, cold-blooded behavior. Yeah. And I'm like, what's the fucking bartender doing? Like, keep it on the fucking. Hello, man. Yeah, he's an asshole. There you go. Mitzie.

And you know, and you know he saw the wedding rings. He must. Yeah, like he can't be cool. Like, he just had to be that guy. Well, so what is he asking? What do I do? Yeah, because she's not sleeping in the thing. And he said the only solution is divorce or I forgive her in the bedroom.

But she's sleeping on the kind. No, he hasn't talked to her in a week other than dealing with shit that they have to talk about with just the kids. Because he's not. ready to. And he's saying that either they get fucking divorced or he forgives her, but he hasn't told on his friends and family because he's so embarrassed. I understand that. Yeah. I mean,

hmm. You made this whole life with her. You have kids with her. I don't know. Is that really a deal breaker? That's the thing, though. Is she still like messing around? That's the thing. The trust is broken. So how do you repair the trust?

Couples therapy. Yeah. That's the only way. I mean, is she interested in like me? Was she, was she apologizing profusely? Was she like, I'm so ashamed. Like, I should never have done it. It was wrong.

You know, I love you so much. Like, I love our family. Like, I'll do anything to like make this better. Because that's what's a hell of a thing to do. To do the night before your marriage. You're getting married in the bed that you then fuck your husband. Do you believe that she's never done it again? I don't know.

I don't. I believe it because I feel like women can do that. Do you see what I'm saying, how good they are at being pieces of shit? They all cover each other. I think that women can do that. Guys can't do that, but we can do that. All right. Get out.

Wait, you're kicking me out? I'm kicking you out. I'm not saying that guys can't do that. But yeah, I feel like she's capable of like. Then why would you say that women can do that? Because I'm talking about women. So why wouldn't you say that, well, I feel like some people can do that. Because I don't have to use your language to get like my point across.

But you just sort of made it just about women though. I'm just interesting. I'm cross-examining you right now. Okay, fine. If you try to worm your way out of this bullshit. No one's trying to warm their way out of anything. Riggle? Yeah.

Keep drinking your fucking drink there. So my roommate's sister was in town this weekend while he was out of town. She was going to the bars. With some of friends and crashing on her brother's bed and place. She invited me out with her and I said, sure, I figured she'd make a a heck of a wingman and I could hit it off with one of her friends. Unfortunately, that wasn't what happened. Anyways, we came back to my apartment

where she was going to stay in her brother's bed. Before I knew it, one thing led to another and I was banging her. Before I knew, what? I was in the clothes fly off and she bends over. It started with some making out and she was the one who said let's go to your bed. Before you start thinking this is going

to turn into the wrong side of a Me Too story. Hilarious that he even puts that in there. That sounded all. Cash tag Me Too. All right. In the morning, we both regretted it, and she said it would probably be best not to tell my roommate and her brother about the incident. Unfortunately, she was able to leave and go back to her place five hours away. Well, I have to see the guy every single day.

Oh, okay. I also did it with no condom like a drunken idiot, so I've been freaking out about STDs in pregnancy, even though I'm 99% sure I didn't finish and made her get plan B. next night. I'm pretty sure. Extra careful. He's probably an accountant major. She's not pregnant. I'm pretty sure she'll never tell him, but I'm kind of a pussy and feel like I'll be

plagued with guilt every time I hang out with the guy. What should I do? I'm sort of panicking and have a weight on my chest for the last week. Should I suck it up and go to the grave with this? I told a guy a couple of friends about this to get it up my conscious, and now I'm afraid one of them might let it slow. Dude, you don't do that.

Let it slip one of these nights while we're all out drinking. Should I get ahead of the story and just tell them and suffer the consequences? Or maybe I should stop being a cunt and worry about people with actual problems. I don't know. Glad. You're okay. I would say this. I would say this. You're like that guy that commits a fucking crime with somebody else. And then you're the guy they have to whack because you're going to flip. And what you basically did was you flipped on yourself and you ratted yourself out to two other fucking people. All right. So in the swirl of trash that's now going to happen, I bet for upwards of 10 years or maybe never.

If you do something like that and you both agree to keep your fucking mouth shut, that's what you should have done. Because this isn't just about you. It's also about his relationship with his sister. all right so you're both adults it was consensual you didn't want it to happen it happened and you both said that was a fucking mistake

nobody's married here there's no kid involved I wouldn't have said shit yeah I think you should just keep a trap shut and just move on with your life yeah and you also have to go kill your two friends you never watch those JFK conspiracies yeah why did you tell the other two guys

because he just felt so guilty about it. Yeah, it's a telltale heart. Except it's his ball bag, dick throbbing underneath the floor. Yeah, it's really not. It's, yeah, it's not that big of a deal. Yeah, if she did turn out to be pregnant and kept it, yes, of course.

You'd have to come clean, but. You even say go through it with an abortion without, he doesn't need to know. No, I wasn't going to say that. What are you talking about? Because you said if she got pregnant, she got pregnant and decided to keep it, then you say something.

But if she got pregnant and didn't want to keep it, You don't say shit? No, you don't say it. But she took the plan B, so. It's fine. This feels like fast times at Ridgemont High. I'm just picturing Judge Reinholding that big blue car. I know, but she didn't get an abortion.

She took a plan B. So it's fine. Sir, do you sell stereos? That's for old people, would get that joke. She banged that guy who sold the stereo. Oh, yeah. She's got to be somebody's baby. Tonight.

It's a really creepy song choice. Oh, and he bangs her. right on that fucking bench. Horrible. Yeah. She's such a cutie pie that when she was that age, Jennifer Jason Lee.

I like that movie. Ageism, too. She's not a cutie pie now? No, she's a beautiful woman now, but she was a cutie pie when she was younger. Mm. When we return. There's nothing there for you to dig up.

There's nothing there. Well, that's the age we live in. If there is nothing there, if there's something there or there's nothing there, you're still going to be punished. Oh. You look extra pretty today. Oh, thanks.

What'd you do? What's that? Since I left, I don't know. You fucking a guy out of Bowen alley. Yep. You're going to hand me a drink and be like, how are you doing, Mitzie? That's going to be my code name now.

If I do step out on you, I'm going by Mitzie. You know what, Neha, I'm so old. That guy would be doing me a favor. Oh, baby, doesn't have it in him anymore. Oh, climb on top. I'm too old. No, you're. just as much of a stallion now as the day I met you.

Ah, boy, the truth hurts. The truth hurts. I tell you, I'd rather take a nap at this point. No, you would not. I would. No, you'd rather take a nap than bang me? Yeah. What?

Yeah. Oh, no. We got to fix this. See how that works, everybody? That's exactly how it's done. Got me, you son of a min. All right, that's it. That's the best lesson I could have taught anybody.

All right. Have a great fucking week. your cunts. I'll talk to you on Thursday.