Monday Morning Podcast - School Photos, Religion, 'I Will Say' | Monday Morning Podcast 5-9-26

Episode Date: March 9, 2026

Bill rambles about school photos, religion, and the phrase 'I Will Say'. Quo: Try QUO for free PLUS get 20% off your first 6 months when you go to http://www.Quo.com/BURR  Hims:  To get simple, online access to personalized, affordable care for ED, Weight Loss, and more, visit http://www.Hims.com/BURR 

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Monday morning podcast for Monday, March 9th, 2006. What's going on? Hawaii? 2006, 6, 6, 6. The number of the beast. Go into war for Jesus Christ. I kill you in the name of Jesus Christ. Christ, the Son of God, who created all of us in his image and the Fifth Commandment. You're not allowed to kill people. Unless, unless, unless. Anyway, Jesus Christ, dude, what the fuck? How many? I'm not going to lie. That Bruins game today.

That took a lot out of me. I don't know what, what, we're playing good. You know, we're having an amazing season. I love the fucking team. But dude, if If we fucking go up by three or four goals, one more fucking time, and with five to seven minutes left in the second period, what do we do? We take a penalty. We literally took a penalty. And I go, they're not going to do this again. They're not going to let these cunts back into this fucking game. Are they really going to do this?

And we take a penalty. And five seconds later, what do we do? We take another penalty. Now we're down five on three. I'll tell you what is really hard to watch as a fan is when you're down five on three and the other team scores a goal and the announcers are flipping out.

Oh, what a shot by five. It's like, dude, it's professional hockey. They have five guys and we have three guys. What's amazing is if the team with three kills the penalty. A five on three is borderline an automatic goal. Oh, heck of a totally. saved by Montembourg.

So then it's three to one and we start doing what we do. We play make a wish hockey. Oh, what are we doing? We're beating them too bad. Ah, I know. I feel bad for them, right? So we come out of the fucking second break.

Everything's going good until about 13 and change. And they fucking score again. Like, they literally took a time out. And the penguins are going, don't worry, we're going to get one. We're going to get one. And I'm sitting there going. They're going to get one.

You could just see it. You could just fucking see it. Three to two. I'm like, for the love of fucking God, what the fuck are we doing? What the motherfucker are we doing? 30 seconds later, it's three to three. At this point, I'm not saying anything in my living room. I'm sitting by myself, legs crossed with my head cocked to about 10.30, maybe 11 o'clock.

Just sitting there tapping my fucking foot. going just get it over with just get it over just just score the fourth one and then get an empty netter and then win this fucking game five to three just do that do that to me on the day of the Lord

you know just do that just fucking get it over with what happens but Valzaka fucking gets his third goal gets a hat trick now we're up four to three

and I'm sitting there going oh well that hasn't happened lately when we've blown these big leads at the end of the second fucking period and take 2,000 penalties, most penalized team in the fucking league, 4 to 3, here we go, here we go, all right, we're hanging up, five minutes left, whatever, they tie it up four to four. We go in the overtime, we lose five before. And I shut the game off. I went upstairs and I just got all the laundry. I brought it downstairs and I just started doing laundry. You know what I mean? It's like, I have to do something You know, when life gives you a negative, you got to go do a positive.

All right, it's Monday, tomorrow, or today's Monday, as you're listening to this thing. And what do I know? Sorry, drinking some fucking ice water out of my fucking, my stupid thing here. I lose these things like sunglasses, these fucking water bottles. I've had so many goddamn water bottles. Water bottles, sunglasses, umbrellas, and close friends. I lose these.

That was a dark joke. Oh, whatever. It's a part of getting old, I guess. Anyway, Jesus, Bill. We're talking about hockey. Now you're talking about death. Sorry. Sorry, it's a weird fucking time.

I'll tell you, it is a weird goddamn time. Yeah, so I did the laundry. I always do laundry Sunday night. And I don't do it for me. I do it for my kids. Because I grew up in a big family. And I remember what it was like. on Monday and your mother didn't have time to do the laundry and it was just slim pickings in the

closet and all you had left was like some church pants and some fucked up shirt your grandmother got you you know like you were going to go do a talent show and I remember oh my God I remember I'll never forget this day I had a I think I told this before I had a pair of pants okay I don't know how they even came into my family this was the 70s there was some white wild colors out there. And there was two pairs of slacks. And one of whom was light blue with dark blue pockets on the back. And I think on the front. And then for whatever reason, there was another one that was sort of a burnt sienna like brownish orange with sort of pinkish looking pockets, taking the burnt part of the sienna and just taking the, you know, the sun part of it. So there

was those pants and then there was this blousey blue dress shirt and that's all i had you know and a pair of dirty sneakers so i put that shit on and i tucked my shirt in and i remember standing in line it was in fourth grade and somebody looked at me and goes what do you have a date tonight and then i was just going like oh god oh my god here we go that you know you know when you you don't know it you're too close to it You see it in the closet every day. It's like your nose blind, you're colorblind. You can't tell. And then you fucking wear it out in public.

And you're like, oh, my fucking God. What time is it? It's eight in the fucking morning. I can't tap out until I get off the school bus at 3.30. This is going to be. And I was like, well, maybe it was just him. And then, of course, I get in. And it's my turn to go in front of the class to lead them in the Pledge of Allegiance

and then singing one of our patriotic songs. So I saw my friends laughing at me as I went up there and people started whispering around the room. You know, whatever. I had orange hair. I mean, I was getting it fucking. I was getting shit all the time anyway. So anyway, so I never forgot that.

So my kids, on Monday, I want them to have all the options. You know, and there's just really sort of backlash out there about being a caring, loving, parent that that bullshit that story I just told you is the kind of thing that builds character it doesn't build character what it does is it builds trauma that then fucking builds up in you and then years later you have all this misdirected anger and you take it out on people that didn't do anything to you okay this whole fucking idea of you know you have to be abused so you'll be tough enough to get out into the real fucking world is because the people who run the world are fucking abusive.

And what needs to happen is regular people don't need to up their abuse tolerance. What they need to do is get rid of abusive people. But I just don't think it's going to happen. They own the media. Racism is at like an all-time fucking high. And that's all they got to do is just point at somebody who looks different. And all of these fucking idiots, they look at. They look away from the person that's fucking him over.

It's unbelievable. And people don't even question it. Like when I was growing up, there wasn't a bunch of fucking military propaganda t-shirts that regular people would could go around wearing, you know, to sort of express that, hey, I'm a patriotic fucking, like what makes you patriot? Because you're wearing that shirt.

I saw this person, I swear to God, I was getting cheeseburger and french fries and some shakes for my kids We went to the park today and we played baseball We had a great fucking time right And uh Shout out to the dad That was fucking running around playing tag with the kids And my son played too

So I got to take a little bit of a break So I fucking I'm in this Burger joint and this guy is standing there I'm sure he's a nice enough guy But on the back of his shirt It just said by land by sea or by air

and then it had an American flag on it. And it's like, can you fucking finish that statement? Like, what does that mean? By land, by sea or by air, I am patriotic. Therefore, I will not question where they're sending the troops and for what fucking reason

and how the fuck we're ever going to pay for it. That's what makes you patriotic now. It's not questioning the people in power. That used to make you patriotic, holding them to some sort of a fucking standard. It's just like, no, you just go around, you know, you go to sporting events, you support the troops, you salute them, you applaud when the planes go over,

and you don't ask any fucking questions. And if you do, if you do say like, hey, man, we're kind of like 20, like, trillion, zillion dollars in debt. and we have no way of paying it off. How are we going to pay for another one? Get the fuck out of there. Fucking call me Pinko, son of a bitch. It's just like I'm just asking a logical question.

Because I can tell you, like, if any one of us as individuals financially were living our life the way they're running this country, we would all be living under a bridge right now. Something to think about. Shut the fuck. up. I don't know. I don't understand it. I don't understand it any more than why we keep blowing these leads in the second period. I still love the bronze. And I love that they're wearing their fucking, the home and a ways look like the home and away is from the 80s. So I'm enjoying it. And I don't care that they didn't make a move at the trade deadline. I think we're really young. And that's probably why we're blowing these leads. We're just a young team. We're still jelling. But I'll tell you this, we're fucking way better than we were last year. the Patriots and the Bruins were an absolute fucking surprise and pleasure to watch this year. You know, and the Celtics are playing great without Jason Tatum. So, I don't know why the fuck they're in such a rush to bring that guy back.

He's still young. Like, just let the guy heal. Take a fucking season off. Who gives a shit? It's like, didn't you learn anything with RG3? That was one of the most mismanaged careers I've ever seen in my fucking life. I didn't know why the fuck they brought him back, why he was playing. It was beyond me.

All right. Anyway. All right, some good news. Some good news for you and use and use if you're into my comedy. Bad news if you're not. Well, you don't have to go to the show. All right. My tour starts up this week.

Thursday, March 12th. I'm going to be doing a 7.30 show at the Bayou Music Center. located in Bayou Place in Houston, Texas. It's a fucking great city, great food, and my favorite guitar shop in the country, Southpaw guitar. I'm going to be out there with the amazing Dean Del Rey's been killing it, and Ambria Allen, who I haven't brought on the road yet,

I've done some like local L.A. stuff, and I cannot say enough about how great a fucking comic. She is. She's just been fucking killing it. So we're going to have a great time out there. Club soda, Kenny. And what else? I got to promote some other ones.

Wednesday, April 8th. Got two shows at the Durham Performing Arts Center. The first one sold out. Some tickets left for the 1031. Durham Performing Arts Center, April 8th. I'll be coming back that way. And I haven't been out there in a while. And also, also, I'll be going to the Bruins Carolina Hurricanes game, and that will be, I'll be done.

That will be the final one. After I see the Utah Mammoth, I'll go to that one, and that will be, I don't know, I've been to a home game of every professional sports team in all four sports. I really thought it was going to be a bigger thing when I finally did it. It's pretty anticlimactic. It's just going to go. to a random regular season game. Like, yep, I did it. I'm not going to lie to you.

It was really exciting in the beginning to do that because, you know, I've always been such a sports fan. And I was going to all of these legendary places that I saw on Monday night football or ABC would have like Monday night baseball or, you know, these old great NBA and NHL arena. You know, and what happened, it was already happening in the late 90s where they were just everyone, every, I would, I can't imagine the amount of places from my childhood when I first started watching sports that no longer exist. Let's go around the league, shall we? All right, the Quebec Nordiques, they're not there anymore.

They became the Colorado Avalanche a long time ago. They ended up playing in McNichols Arena. I saw both the Denver Nuggets and the avalanche at McNacles Arena. I did go there. And I saw an avalanche game at the Pepsi Center when Ray Bork was still on the team. But I have yet to see the nuggets there. I saw the Denver Broncos in Mile High Stadium. That's gone.

So McNichols Arena. mile high, those are both gone. Coorsfield, I saw the Rockies, that's still there. I saw the Patriots at Schaefer slash Sullivan Stadium. That's gone. I saw the Bruins and the Celtics at the Boston Garden. That's gone. I saw the Canadians versus the North Stars at the Montreal Forum.

That's gone. I saw the Expos at Olympic Stadium. Olympic Stadium is still there but the expos are gone they went down and they play in their own stadium I saw them at RFK Stadium

when they first moved down I saw a national game I believe at RFK Stadium I also saw a Redskins game there that's gone I saw sorry my stomach's growling here I can need to fucking eat dinner

I saw What else? I saw the Islanders at Nassau Coliseum. I think that still exists. I don't know if they're still playing there. Yankees at old Yankee Stadium, that's gone. Shea Stadium is gone.

The Sabres used to play at the odd when I was a kid. That's gone. The Spectrum is gone. The Igloo is gone. Three River Stadium is gone. I saw the Steelers and the Pirates there. No, no, no.

I only saw the pirates there. This is some rain man shit. I'm sorry. I'm starting it and I can't stop. I never went to Riverfront Stadium. I did see... Did I ever go to Municipal? I never went to Municipal Stadium.

That was where the Browns played. That's gone. Yeah, they're just all fucking gone. I saw the fucking Indianapolis Colts at the RCA dome. I think that's gone. I saw the Tigers at Tiger Stadium. That's gone.

I saw the fucking Milwaukee Brewers at County Stadium. That's gone. Wherever the bucks were playing, that's gone. I saw them, wherever the place they're playing now, I saw the place before that. Lambo is still there. Soldier Field, old Soldier Field. They put a new stadium on top of it.

Now I think they're leaving that. And then I went to Rigley and the new Kamiski. I didn't see the old one. But when I was growing up, old Kamiski, that's gone. They're all fucking gone. I saw the Cardinals at old Bush Stadium. That's gone. The fucking chiefs are leaving Arrowhead.

Kansas City might be moving out of Kaufman. They're all fucking gone. Cowboy Stadium, gone. I saw the Rangers at their second park. They're putting a dome on top of that. So I think that that's why it's like, it's not that big a deal now. I saw the Giants and the 49ers at Candlestick. I saw the fucking Seattle Mariners at the Kingdom.

I cannot fucking believe they're all gone. They just got rid of all of them. Just became the thing. All of these fucking owners. I saw the Sonics at Key Arena. All right, Bill, we got it. You went to a bunch of, I saw the Warriors at the Oracle. I saw the A's at the fucking Oakland Coliseum.

That shit's all fucking, I don't know. I don't know. You know, the older I guess, yet. You know, when you age, you start to feel like Tommy Lee Jones in no country for old men, which I still maintain is one of the greatest movies of all time. And I still maintain that Tommy Lee Jones is the main character of that. And I feel like Josh Brolin and Harvey or Bardem, they represent the present and into the future. And there's something going on with Harvey or Bardem's character

where he keeps saying, you never saw me, you don't see me. And I don't even think that, I think he's almost like sort of this metaphor for this violent future that we're heading towards that this old man cannot relate to.

And that's the last thing and he says, he said, you never saw me and he walks away. And that whole thing about Harvey's character hiding behind the door when Tommy Lee Jones shows up,

sort of like the boogeyman. And I feel like not only does time pass you by as you get older, it's also you know, your own mortality. There's all of that stuff that's in play there. It's such an amazing movie. And I just watched it again the other night. And when everybody, you know, when obvious character goes to kill them, they say, you don't have to do this. You don't have to do this. And he sort of laughs. He goes, everybody says that. And For me, that works with like how these fucking billionaire nerds trying to become trillionaires, what they're doing to everybody. I feel like it's like you don't have to do this.

You have enough money. You have more money than you would ever need in a hundred lifetimes. Why are you doing this? That's what kills me about today's journalism. It's like, nobody is at, like, why are you doing this? Why is the business shrinking? Why are you allowed to do this? Why did we deregulate capitalism?

Capitalism was the shit, you know? I mean, they're all imperfect systems, but it was the shit when it was fucking regulated, but it's not regulated, and people can just have monopolies. I don't know. It doesn't reward the best person. It rewards, it's like the Internet.

You know, you look at the Internet, and in my business, as far as being an entertainer, the Internet does not reward the best entertainer. It rewards whoever's the best at the internet. So then it just becomes like this, like what the fuck are we doing? I don't know. I don't understand it.

I don't understand it. But the more I see the direction that we're headed in, I mean, we're headed in, we're there. I just, I don't know. I was just getting back into believing. Well, I still think I believe. I think I came back. I believe that there's something out there,

something that create. I believe in aliens and all of that shit. Why would God make all of the, this shit just for us, right? Why wouldn't he try something else? You know? And I don't know, but I don't think that he gives a fuck. If he gave a fuck, he would have intervened a long fucking time ago. Or he wouldn't, like, I hate when I talk to religious people and I go, I ask them, why does God make sociopaths? Why does he make pedophiles? Why does he make these people who fucking have the urge to go make an Epstein island.

Why does he make people like this? And they go, well, you know, God gives people freedom of choice. What do you mean? Why? First of all, if you're a fucking sociopath, that's not a choice. That's how the fuck you're born. If you're a narcissist, I don't know, there's debates on whether you're born that way or whether like horrific shit happens.

I don't know what. Why does he make uncaring? greedy-ass fucking people. Why does he make mouth-breathing fucking morons that don't understand, I don't know, that don't read? Like, I swear to God, like, if you just look, have you ever met, here's a question for you, have you ever met a smart racist? I mean,

and I don't mean that you're just average intelligence. They're fucking dumb. They're fucking. dumb. They're so goddamn fucking dumb. And I don't know. I just feel like I don't know. What the

fuck? This isn't going to, I don't want to talk about this shit. This shit's too fucking it's too dark, dude. It's fucking dark. I don't understand. I don't understand people. I do not understand people that can be fucking religious and

racist at the same fucking time. I don't know how you can read whatever you're reading and justify how you look at people even if you're looking at your neighbor if they're if they're fucking the same color as you and you think you're better than them like how you can be going to church every week and not realize that that's fucked up and still walk around like i i don't know i think a lot of people use religion um the same way a beautiful woman will use a bikini. You know, it's to show off.

It's to fucking enhance them. Oh, look how gorgeous I am. I feel like a lot of people, like, they go to church and they, it's an ego trip. I don't feel like they go there. I'm not saying everybody, but I feel like there's a strong amount of people that go there. And what they get out of it is they come out of church and they think, I'm fucking awesome because I went to church this.

week. I'm a good person because I went to church this week. And then they just go out with that arrogance and think all and do all of this fucked up shit. And you can't look at them and be like, hey, man, like those two things counterdict each other. It's like the neo-Nazi that supports the troops. It's like the Nazis killed our troops. Like, how can you like both of those things at the same fucking time. Like, I don't know. Strange. Strange days indeed.

Anyway. Very excited. You know, I did a Florentine show with Don Jameson and Joe Bartnick last night down the improv. It was great to see those guys. And I saw Don Jameson who, like, I knew I hadn't seen him in a while. I thought it was like, you know, I don't know. Five, maybe 10 years.

He was like, dude, I haven't seen you in like 20 years. I was like, get the fuck out of it. What? 20 years went by that fast? Jesus Christ, what is? What am I, a fucking old guy? Where the years go by fast now? Yeah, I don't know.

All right, let's do some of the reads here for the week. Let's see here. Where am I going? Oh, Jesus. Oh, Jesus. killing people for Jesus. Why does every religion eventually you end up, no matter what religion you're in, you kill for your religion.

It's just fucking, I mean, people say women are good at manipulating. I mean, you got to give it up to men. Jesus Christ. I'll be honest with this. This is why I've really just kind of gone a 180. After all these years of trash and women, you know, which I'm now realizing really had nothing to do with them. Surprise, surprise. It was me and all of my fucking issues. And now I've gone to the point. I now feel like that not only should women be in a bunch of positions of power in countries, they should be in the majority for the simple fact that men solve their problems with violence.

So I don't know. I think we've had a nice opportunity to show what we can do, which has led us to where we are now. Why don't we step aside and see what the women have to do? And when I say the women, I mean all women. Let's let them all, you know. The best of the best from all. all, you know, all the different ways we've separated one another.

But we're all human and God loves all of us and he made all of us. And you should follow these fucking 10 rules unless, unless, you know, I don't know what, unless other things come up. Unless you need to knock something off the front page. All right. With that, let's fucking get into the advertising for the week. Quo, man. if your team is still operating like a group chat with commitment issues, that's a problem.

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Oh, Billy's back. Do do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do. Oh, Billy's back in the gym. Got a new pair of leg warmers. I'm ready to go. I've been doing yoga like a fucking old bastard that I am. I'd go to a fucking yoga class, but I would just feel like a creep.

You know what I mean? You can't go in there. If I went with my lovely wife, it would be okay. But you can't go to a yoga class. You know, if you're in your 20s and your 30s and you're a guy, go to a fucking yoga class. Go to a yoga class and have at it. Okay?

Fuck there, peace of mind. You go in there and you start hitting on anything in Down Dog. You understand me? No, I'm kidding. I don't know. I think if I went to a yoga class, if I had a hammer, if I went to a yoga class, what I would fucking do, I'd go with my wife. I'd walk in with flip-flops so I wouldn't walk on the sweaty floor and get some fucking planters, warts or athletes' foot. That's why I don't fucking go. No, I had a couple of buddies of mine, old bastards, and they started going to hot yoga. and they're looking good.

They're dropping fucking weight. And I remember a long time ago, I went to hot yoga, and I thought I was going to die. So I don't know. Then I got another old bastard friend of mine. He bought those things, like those straps that, like if you don't have a lap pool, you just fucking tie the straps to like a barbecue. Then the others to your ankles, so you don't go anywhere and you just swim in place. and I was like, oh, that sounds like amazing.

Cateo. So I think I'm going to do that. I don't know what I'm going to do. I got to switch up the workout. But, you know, I think if I was swimming and doing yoga, you know what I mean? I could get like, I could be looking like Sting. Look at Sting.

That guy looks amazing. He's fucking in his 70s, that son of a bitch. You know, he's still playing the bass. You know, he comes around the mountain when he plays the base. He doesn't come up over the top. He comes around. around the mountain, so he doesn't even hurt his wrist. I mean, that dude has it figured out.

Evidently, he's also into tantric sex, which I've never understood as a guy. You know what I mean? Why would you want to bust a nut for fucking 20 minutes? That sounds painful. 20 minutes. Oh! Don't touch it.

Don't touch it. I said, get away! I don't even know what it is. I don't know what it means. I don't know. Anyways. I just, you know, I feel like if we're going to go to war for Jesus, shouldn't he show back up and fucking do a personal appearance?

The way somebody in my business, if you're in a movie, you've got to promote it, right? Could he just, like, do like a Zoom call from the afterworld? I don't know. Is that asking too much? Well, you know, considering what he went through the first time, I don't feel like he's going to come back. You know, can you imagine God ask him to go back again? Like, what?

Fucking go back down there? You go down, you made it, Dad. You do it. I'm not doing it. Give me a fucking other PlayStation. All right, annoying phrases. I will say. All right, dear Bill, are you bothered by how popular the phrases I will say has become

and how people misuse it. I haven't noticed it. How do they start the sentence? Well, I will say. If you don't shut the fuck up, you know? Or do they go, how would you end a sentence with it? I mean, I don't think that you can go to war for Jesus. I will say.

No, you can't say I will say because I already said it. Then I would say, I would say. I would say, I did say. I don't know. I think that's why I don't use that phrase. I don't understand it. How do you use it? Use it in a fucking sentence.

All right. I like this topic. Annoying phrases. Can you guys use them in a sentence so a dumb guy like me can like try to keep up? Anyway, it's supposed to mean, oh, here we go. He explained it's supposed to be on the contrary.

And normally you would then give a counterpoint to other points you were just mentioning. Instead, often, people often use like it's a way to start a sentence. Oh, so they're using the phrase on it. But the worst is when it's used to interrupt someone by literally saying, I will say, like they're demanding to speak immediately, and that it somehow justifies being rude. Oh, yeah, I can definitely see that getting under your fucking skin.

Oh, I would say that that would be enough. That would be enough to really bother a fella. Well, that's an easy comeback. I will say, yeah, I know. You've been saying shit all night. Why don't you shut the fuck up? Let somebody else talk. And you know what's funny is you say that.

And then what happens? Then you're the bad guy. Did I mention the one that I don't like. Hey, you know, both of those things can be true. People say that when they can't defend their position anymore. And you've said something that, like, I don't know. Or maybe that's just my ego thinking that I won the argument. Hey, both things can be true.

well then if fucking everything's true what's what what what the fuck is false anyone that that's not the balance of the universe trying to think is uh uh well i guess there's a lot of examples of both things can be true like you can hate a band and think they suck and they can be playing baseball stadiums but those are just facts they're not opinions i'm not glad to you guys i'm not good at this i need i need like examples i remember first me used to bug me. For me, I just feel. I don't like people say for me. I don't like people who are taking their power back. But I will say this. And I will introduce a completely different point. And I'm not even making fun of that. I just figured out I do that. My favorite thing

that I love to sort of that is awful, but I really fucking enjoy it, is I love toxic spiritual people. You know, they always act like they're trying to

help you out or help somebody out, but it's really it's just all about them. You know? And there's different ways of doing it. you know, beautiful women will like, you know, stand in a bikini making hard hands above their head.

I used to do a bit about that. And they were like, guys, don't forget to check it on your friends today. And it's just like, you could have just wrote that. Why are you like in the picture right now? And why are you like barely wearing any clothes? Like, what is like how beautiful you are have to do with this spiritual horseshit? You just wanted to show. how fucking hot you are.

So people will write, oh my God, you're so fucking beautiful. That's what you want. But then you'd be considered self-involved. So now what you have to do is pretend that what you really came here to do was to help out those less fortunate

while wearing a bikini. I do enjoy that. And it's even. better when it's somebody that I I've been in contact with and I 100% know that they are

I'll just say a character they're a little bit of a character it's just a fun thing to see it's enjoyable you know what I mean I think that's one I like I thought I had another one yeah both things can be true

for me I'm sorry guys I fucking you know the only way I know how to lose fucking weight is to just not eat. So my stomach is fucking, it's going off. All right. And I got a goddamn, I got a chicken breast with some fucking greens waiting for me.

And I'm going to eat that. And then later on at 9 o'clock tonight, when I get hungry, I'm going to go down and eat a handful of fucking cashews that have nothing on them. Oh, be careful. Be careful. They've got a lot of fucking calories. Hagadas has a lot of calories.

All right, you fat cunt. I don't know. I think one day when I really will be on the other side of being a complete lunatic is when I stop having arguments with non-existent people. I don't know. How long can you be on the internet before you just anticipate like the negative comment? You know, these fucking assholes on the internet always trying to start shit. I did some stupid joke on my podcast and somebody fucking, they were like, obviously, you must have watched this special. And it's like, I did the joke before the fucking special came out. And I don't watch stand-up specials for that exact fucking reason.

I don't want other people's material in my head. And this person's like, you know, considering I don't know either person, obviously, this is what happened. Obviously, obviously. Obviously, if I watch this special, that means everybody watched it. Red fucking flag. You know, it would be amazing is if, you know, there was a CIA

for narcissists and sociopaths and they just were secretly going around taking these people out. Like how long, how much, they would absolutely freak out. Look what they did with Luigi. Luigi, they absolutely fucking freaked out.

They labeled them a terrorist. Did they want to give this kid the death? death penalty. You know, because they don't like, they don't like when Hunger Games flips. They like when it goes the other way, you know? Hunger Games is fine. A dystopian tale about rich people hunting poor people. That's totally fine.

You start doing it the opposite fucking way. You do it the opposite. They shut that shit down quickly. They shut it down quickly. they get in front of it, they label it. They put whatever the dirty word is. Terrorist is the dirty word now. No one wants to be,

used to be a commie pinko son of a bitch, right? You commie, fuck you, let you go. You red motherfucker, you know? That's what it was when I was growing up. Now it's to everybody's a fucking terrorist. Fucking terrorist. I don't know what anything is anymore. Anyway, but I do know.

this is my act is in a great place and I am a funny motherfucker and I'm coming to Houston this weekend and this upcoming weekend and if you want to go out and watch a guy act like an absolute fucking idiot I would be your huckle bearer not huckleberry everybody's all it's huckle bearer that's what you call the fucking handles on the side of a fucking casket um it's champing at the bit not chomping all right all right Sorry. It's any way, not any ways. Why can't you just let me be stupid? I don't think people mind if you're stupid, as much as they just like correcting you.

I feel like once AI takes up all the jobs, that'll be a new way for somebody to whore themselves out. Is your job will be to go to one of these nerds that swallowed up a business into their own pocket and made a, thousand people become homeless. Your job now will be to go in there and deliberately say stupid shit so that they can like correct you, you know, be like some new sort of something that's called like organic. Because once they have the robots, the robots will never be wrong because they're programmed with the information that the owner of the robot will enjoy. And then one day I feel like the nerd will miss.

something making a mistake, you know, in their presence. And they need to correct it. So maybe that will be a job. What the fuck would that job be called? I don't know. All right. Let's continue on with the fucking questions here. All right.

Lonely is sports franchise. Dear, dear Billy Beaver. I don't know what that means. Beaver means pussy to me. Or I get buck teeth. I don't think it gets any lonelier than my long-suffering Winnipeg Jets who are visiting your Bruins later this month

who are so consistently good it hurts the closest other NHL franchise is the Minnesota Wild who are a seven-hour drive south Jesus Christ Oh my God and do you have to like cross Lake Superior or can you go by land

I've never looked to see how Minneapolis, St. Paul, lines up with Winnipeg. I fucking love Canada, though. Anyway, you briefly mentioned that the CFL and the closest neighbor to our Winnipeg Blue Bombers is the Saskatchewan Rough Riders, who are a six-hour drive west. Also, you wondered what Edmonton's CFL team would be rebrand if they were ever to. to be dropping the Eskimos. Well, they rebranded to the Edmonton Elks back in 2022. Yuck. I love when people get upset.

Maybe you don't like Elks, but it's kind of nice that, you know, if there was a group of people and you were using a term that bugged them to stop doing it, I'm really big on, like, listening to other people. If they're saying, like, you know, what you're doing is bugging. me. Can we just, I like this is, I really feel like this is the time to go out of your way to be nice to everybody. That's what the fuck. I don't know. I don't give a shit what you think. I don't care how you voted. I don't give a fucking. Let's just, can we just be fucking, hey man, I need a morning. How are you? Looking sharp. All right. See you later.

Like, why can't we do that? You know, stop wearing fucking political opinions on your goddamn t-shirt. stop talking about it on the internet nobody gives a fuck how lonely are you you just want to fucking annoy people i don't know i guess i've been giving my fucking opinions on war but i try to do it in a fucking like i'm not saying any side is is is right or wrong i'm just saying can we just like stop doing this let's get some women in there you know they're going to have a big fucking brunch why don't we get fucking dana white one of the great promoters of all time. Why don't we have like our leaders

like fight the other fucking leaders. You put them in the fucking octagon and then you wear the traditional dress like our Donnie Trump comes in right, the wingtip. He already goes to the UFC he's already fucking there. He goes in. He's got

his wingtip shoes and his fucking blue suit with the white shirt and the red tie. All right? And whatever the fuck he's got on top of his head. may or may not come off during the fight. But I would think at this point, he's worth $5 billion. I would think he went to Turkey

or had somebody come and, you know, fucking move the troops from the back to the front. I don't know. I have no idea. And then he goes up against somebody from Iran in a dish dash. Right? And Trump's allowed to choke him out with his tie. And then the Iran guy can have his dishdash and whatever he's got underneath there.

And they go at it. You just do that. And then like, nobody's kids have to die. Why can't we do it that way? I know, I know I'm oversimplifying it. But whatever. I'm just, that's just where I'm coming from. Anyway, P.S. he says,

thanks for stopping off in our little isolated city back in 2024. I'm sure it was a hard sell. It wasn't a hard sell. I actually, you know what? I'm going to give a fucking shout out to a place. Oh, Christ, where is it? I got this thing in my, in my phone

every city that I've gone to all right Montreal Stoge cigar bar La Basquies Authentic Poutine Saskatoon poached for breakfast Toronto

I went to seven numbers Italian I went to Wild Boar Italian I went to Frank Karenti Cigars slash Buka Italian restaurant

bicycars and you smoke them across the street at Bucca. Just order a bottle of wine and they let you smoke. Oh, I didn't do that. Somebody told me, I haven't been there yet. Windsor, Armando's, on Walker Road Pizza, and Caboto Club Italian cuisine. I always go with Italian. Okay, Winnipeg.

I don't want to drop a name here, but a very famous French-Canadian musician told me about this place. Winnipeg, peasant cookery. And I got the tortier, T-O-U-R-T-I-E, French pork pie with the flakiest crust, and it was a real, like, pork pie where they had like the buck and bottom, too. Tallest poppy for breakfast and Segovia had the best tapas. All right, I'm going through all in Vancouver I went to this place

O-I-D-E for coffee that was fucking insane I also went to Revolver which was fantastic in Timberland all of those were coffee then I went to Nemesis which was like one of those

Instagram fucking places that Neal liked I wouldn't go there on the weekend all the Instagram zombies are there but if you go there during the week it's fucking fantastic Beat Street Records fucking legit

asked for Luigi Great Italian and the Belgrade kitchen had these homemade sausages that were fucking incredible Look I even have places in the Czech Republic

Denmark, France Germany Berlin, Frankfurt Greece, mocha 100-year-old coffee joint Oh and when I was in Hungary evidently I went to a place called My Little Melbourne

and I got a piccolo latte. This is, you know, I don't know. I wish all you guys could have fucking experiences. Like traveling, if you can fucking do it, and you end up learning how to do it after a while. And what you learn is you don't go to the big stupid fucking thing. Like, if I ever went to wherever the leaning tower of Pisa was, I would walk by and look at it.

I wouldn't even do that. What would happen is I would get close to it. And I would see all these fucking assholes doing that picture where they're acting like they're pushing it back up, you know, because that's what you do. Oh, look at this. I'm going to fucking Atlantic City in the end of April. The White House, steak and cheese. See?

This is how, you know, it wasn't just all sports stadiums, evidently. Anyway, all right. I like all you guys. I like everybody. as long as they're good people, I don't feel there's evildoers other than the people that are calling people evildoers. That's what I think.

And I think the only way out of this is to just ignore those fucking rich cunts and just try to be nice to each other. That's my theory. That's what I'm going with. All right, that's it. All right, go fuck yourselves. And I will check in on you on Thursday.

And I will be in Houston, Texas on Thursday, and I cannot fucking wait. It will be an honor and a privilege to get out there and do my shit jokes. for you. All right. See you Thursday.