Monday Morning Podcast - Seattle, Ear Pods, Drugs | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 1-9-26

Episode Date: January 9, 2026

Bill rambles about Seattle, ear pods, and drugs. (00:00) - Thursday Afternoon Podcast (32:26) - Thursday Afternoon Throwback 1-8-18 - Bill rambles about Zombies, Playoffs, and The Golden Globes. (01:38:21) - Anything Better Podcast with Bill Burr & Paul Virzi - Wildcard weekend is here!  Bill couldn't break .500 for the regular season, but the best weekend of football is here. 

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byr and it's time for the Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcast. And I'm just checking in on you. What's up, everybody? I'm sitting in my car. So I got a fucking meeting here in about 17 minutes. And I was traveling yesterday. So I apologize from the bottom of my freckled hat that this podcast was a little. late dude um i was up in seattle i'll give you my my um my surroundings right now i'm just looking out my window i see a pete's coffee a city bank a chipotle a cv s they're closing those pharmacies

fucking right and left all the dwayne reeds are gone you know it's really fucking amazing to me that like we've gotten to a point where you walk into a drugstore and body-waters and all of the shit. It's locked up like their gold bars. People can't even Ford fucking toiletries. You know? And now what are we doing now? What are we doing? Now we're down to Venezuela. Oh, thank God they finally took care of Venezuela, huh?

You know what I mean? I just don't get it. I need that explained to me. Is the United States government like your older brother where it's walking around going like, hey, you can't beat the shit out of them, but I can't. Is that what it is?

Hey, you don't put fiberglass in the fucking filters so they'll be even more addicted to tobacco and die. We do that. You don't give them heroin. We make synthetic heroin and we give it to them. Let us handle poisoning the food supply. Like the level of domestic terrorism, they just look the other fucking way. And what are you saying? This country can't send in a little bit of blow?

I'm kidding. I mean, I need it explain to me. I don't know what happened there. Did they send ICE down there to get that guy? And ICE is now killing immigrants. I don't fucking get it. I just, I don't get it. I don't get the whole thing.

That if you're an illegal immigrant, you go to a jail with the fucking alligators around it. but if you kill rape a person as a citizen, you know, you just go to a regular jail. There's no alligators. You know why? Because the citizen raped and murdered the right way. Okay? They were a naturalized citizen, so there's no alligators.

However, if you haven't raped and killed anybody, you know, if they don't shoot you, if he can make it to the jail, if you just make an illegally made fucking papoosa, you end up in a jail with fucking alligators around you. I guess that's how it works. And evidently Pete's coffee is so fucking good. There's 9 million,

9 million fucking locations. It's garbage. I think in order to actually have a coffee shop, you should be required. Like, I always heard like if you're in like a fancy restaurant, one of the first things they do is they have you make an egg. and if he can do that, okay, then we're going to go from there. Something simple.

So I feel like if you're going to open a coffee shop, you should pour, before you get your license to do it, you should pour a single shot espresso. Okay, and if it doesn't taste like you just fuck, it came out of the back of a bus muffler, exhaust pipe, like Pete's coffee and Starbucks, just as burnt beans, fucking horrific shit.

Then it's like, okay, now you can make a latte I don't know what you I'm just going to go off on all these people I don't what the fuck Chipotle is so excited about they're another one of these people they're like now we're using real meat it's like well what the fuck were you using before

or like that big thing is that they have fresh ingredients it's like well shouldn't you oh Bill what else what else is upsetting you um nothing really I just got a, just got back from fucking Seattle, and I went up there. I had one of my Boston buddies flew in. We went to the Bruins Cracken game at Climate Pledge Arena.

So, of course, I read that, and I just think it's probably some toxic corporation that gave itself a nice, warm, fuzzy name, right? And then I find out, listen what the people of Seattle did, or the government up there, just before you get all cynical like me and think everybody's full of shit. they you know climate pledge arena is where the old key arena used to be and that's where the Seattle Supersonics with downtown Freddie Brown and I want to say Dennis Johnson was on that team way back in the day I think they won the NBA title in 1979 so anyway then they became the

sonics and the supersonics were fine with key arena but then all of a sudden the Sonics wanted... Why do they have those fucking cops drive down the street and those stand-up tripods? Seems really inefficient. They're super fat. They don't seem like mobile. You're not going to, like, chase somebody on it, right?

Like, if they're on, like, a scooter, I just feel like they can, you know, maneuver, jump off it quicker. It's kind of like a podium, just going down. What's the deal? With cops on tripods. Anyway, so they left, and the Sonics were like, you know, the Supersonics were fine with Key Arena.

But then when they became the Sonics, they were like, you know, we're not doing this shit. You got to give us a new arena. In Seattle, I was like, hey, man, like, the Seahawks don't even have a new, oh, the Seahawks and Mariners got a new stadium. That's what happened. They got jealous.

They were like, well, what are we? You know, we can't get a new fucking arena. And then they left and they went to fucking Oklahoma. And that is what happened. So in the meantime, I guess what they did was they took the roof off of Key Arena and I think that they demolished the rest of it. It was just, I don't know, it was like sort of suspended up there

and they built this new arena underneath it. And the reason why it's called Climate Pledge is they use rainwater for the ice, captured rainwater. for the ice. It's all solar powered. And it made me feel great because it was also a really cool.

Arguably the best arena in the National Hockey League to watch a game. It's like a really like aesthetically like interesting. They didn't just do like you know all over the, from the staple center to fleet center. They all look the United Center. They all look the fucking same.

And this one is different. It's like the old school ones where they would have like these weird shapes to them where we go, like the seats would go up and it would go into like a shape of like a triangle. And then there would just be like, you know, 10 seats, nine seats, eight seats, all the way down like one seat. Or like, you know, Maple Leaf Gardens had stuff like that. Like any place they could put a seat, they would just stick one.

They'd stick one behind a fucking pole. They didn't give a shit. But anyway, so I went there, watched the game. Bruins played, we played like dog shit. But, you know, it was a good road trip. And we came back and we beat Calgary last night. So I just went to the brain fart game. But I got to say the Cracken played great.

And then they started in the second period, like this super aggressive forecheck. To the point you couldn't even stay behind our own net like looking up ice. They would send a guy back there. And if somebody came back on our team to help them out, they'd send another. They'd have two guys back there. And it was causing us to make bad passes and turn the puck over in our own end. And it ended up, you know, the game was 1-1. after the first period, and then it was 2-1 Seattle, and then 2-2,

and then they scored two goals in like the final minute, one with one second left to make it 4-2, and that was just like a fucking backbreaker. But anyway, I think their captain got two. But we scored too late in the game to make it like 6 to 4, and then they got an empty net or 7-4. It was an ugly game, but anyway, it was fun to go to that arena. and I only got two more teams I got to see.

I got to see the Utah Mammoth and the Carolina Hurricanes, and I got gigs coming up in both those places, specifically for that. Right? And then, like, what am I going to do? What am I going to do? I already talked to my agent. I know exactly what I'm going to do.

Fucking CFL, baby! I feel like I could knock out the CFL in, like, maybe two years. They got like six teams. Three road gigs, three games. They also play like during the week, you know, so it's not like I got to be there on a Sunday or whatever. And I think I can fucking knock it out.

And then what? I don't know. Then I don't know what to do. I've been to all four tennis majors. I can't get into the... The only other... I've been to the Masters. The only other one I want to go to is the one in Scotland,

the original one, where they're playing at that place there. Was it St. Andrews? The original. That's the one. They go to there every two, three years or some shit. It's like the Olympics. I want to go there for that. And then I got to do the Tour to France, the Isle of Man. And then I think I'm done.

I've been to a Premier League game. I've been to three F-1s. Maybe some more MotoGP. I went to MotoGP. As far as sports, I got like nothing left. I don't know, Bill, maybe he could go home. Sit down and figure out why you felt the need to fucking do that and do it all by yourself.

Or whatever, I had issues. Well, speaking of that shit, you motherfuckers, I haven't lost my temper. It's January 9th. I haven't lost my temper since probably November 30th because December 1st I had my breakthrough. So that's like my sober, like, anger day. And I was talking to my wife this morning.

I go, how do you like this new, not angry bill? And she goes, it's been great so far. And I'm like, I know what you mean by so far. Because I don't believe this either. I keep feeling like it's going to come back, but it doesn't. Because, like, the first time I took mushrooms, you know, and I figured all of this shit out. I was like in this utopia for what felt like a week or 10 days.

But then after it, I was left with the reality now that I understood what happened to me growing up. I was like, and all throughout my life and shit, I was kind of left with, well, it's still fucking up. And then the anger came back like tenfold. And so did my hiccups, evidently. So anyway, this has been different because I had this breakthrough and then I thought like, okay, well, is this this seven? to 10 day thing than I come back like even angrier and uh it has not I am proud to say so that's 31 days of December plus 9 40 days 40 days are not losing my shit um driving in L.A. People doing dumb shit in front of me and I just fucking laugh.

I just laugh so I told my wife I go I understand what you're saying but uh you know I'm doing the work. I'm doing the yoga. I'm journaling. I'm enjoying this woman wearing a tennis a visor, even though she doesn't, she's not playing tennis. She's got a fucking, you know what I look about her headphones? She had a wire connected to a phone. They're finally admitting that that's not good for your brain to have wireless headphones or those little fucking ear things. You know, but it's okay because it's American companies doing it to us. They're the ones giving us brain cancer, but I'll tell you right now if those goddamn Venezuelans did anything. But we would put a stop to that immediately.

You do not give our citizens brain cancer. We do. Anyway, the fuck else have I been doing? Oh, and then I did my show, what was it, Wednesday night? I played this other theater where they usually have musicals. And, oh my God, it was fucking gorgeous. down though I couldn't see it and I deliberately went out afterwards when the lights were up to take a peek at it. I already forget the name of the place but everybody, I want to thank everybody that showed up

and I got all this new shit that I've been doing and then like my energy was like kind of different which may be like, you know, I'm not like the screaming angry lunatic. I don't fucking know. It went great and I'm excited. I got my tour dates. I think I're going to start back up in I'm finally getting back out on the road. I shook off doing the play and spent all this quality time at home and been playing catch with my daughter. Something I fantasized about this before I ever had a kid was playing catch. It's one of the best things you can ever do with your kid because you can sit there and you can talk about their day. And because they're doing this other activity, they don't feel like cornered and they're having fun. and you can kind of gauge where they're at and everything.

It's really, really fun. And my daughter has a fucking, she got a great arm. And she really loves baseball. And she's getting into sports, which is like, of course, causing me to freak out, you know, in a great way. And so last night I'm watching the Miami Hurricane Ole Miss game.

Great fucking game, by the way. Congratulations to Ole Miss, man. And just achieving what you guys did with Lane Kiffin leaving was amazing. Congratulations, University of Miami. And then their quarterback who's in his seventh year at college. How about that? What a great story that is. So I sat down with her and I'm going like, hey, you know, you want to learn about football too?

She's like, no. And I was like, oh, fuck. I pushed it. I pushed it too far. All right. I got to do this meeting and I'll finish this podcast in a minute. All right, and I'm back, just like that, the magic of fucking editing. Anyway, so who's playing tonight?

Who's playing tonight? There should be another college game tonight. Tonight there's an, it's Indiana versus who the fuck are they playing? Oh, geez, Louise. It's not Ohio State. It's not Alabama. It's not Mississippi State. What the fuck are they playing?

Oh, Jesus. Whatever. You know, I'm recording the game. I'm back to watching sports. I got like a little too into like, you know, I just have to fucking watch Bluey and SpongeBob Squarepants. And I started to lose my mind. And then what happened was I went to the Bruins Kings game

with my buddy Jackie Flynn, the great Jackie Flynn. And I was like, I need to do this. Every once in a while, I need to watch a fucking game. You know, same way my lovely wife needs to go, I don't know, go fucking get her toes done. I need to sit down and watch some sort of a sporting event. All right. I just feel like I lose a part of myself because I'm really happy that I watched that game last night. Seeing the quarterback of Miami, knowing that he was a seventh year college student, you know, as the kids say, I felt seen.

All right? Because I didn't get my degree. I didn't finish all my credits until I was like 24 and a half. and then that was like December of 92, and then I walked and graduated in like May of 93, and I was almost 25. So it was nice to see that, you know, somebody who also took seven years to get through college

is on his way to the national championship game playing the winner of Indiana and whoever the fuck they're playing. Why don't I know who that is? Oregon. Somebody out west. There you go. That's what you got to do.

You got to go Big Ten, then you go SEC, then you think out west. And at that point, you should have the answer. Oh, not this year, man. You got a team from fucking Florida. They are from Florida. It's not the part of Florida I like. I like being up up near Tallahasseh. Anyway, the fuck is going on with my phone.

I can't believe how long. I still have the 13 Pro. I don't know about you guys. Still have it. I just, you know, the key is, is you just erase text threads in your phone, especially from people really close in your life. Because over the years, like you've sent each other like 5,000 fucking text with, you know, memes and little videos and all of that.

And that's what fills up your phone. So I've been, I've been getting rid of that. I can't, for some reason, I can't erase the one with my wife. which I swear to God, this would be like a brand new phone. Because I know that's got to be like 30,000 texts. I could actually erase it now and then recover it. I don't know why I'm so fragile. Let me just see.

I'm going to see how many text messages have we sent each other. Here we go. Here's something interesting. All right. Here we go. Wait. Done. I don't know how to do it because I have her in the locked-in part at the top.

Let's see here. Delete. Delete. Oh, my God. I can't believe I just did that. Now, let's see what we got here. Right. Recently deleted.

51,482 messages. All right, now I've got to recover. Why won't it let me recover it? Hey, man, what's going? Oh, there you go. Recover all. Recover 51,482. I'm going to take a screenshot of this.

All right. I hit recover. Overall, what's going on? Let me see. Now I'm going to go back. Oh, boy, oh boy. Okay, there she is. And then I have to figure out

how to put her back in her special place. I'll put you in a special pace. You keep you running your mouth. I don't fucking remember how to do this. There we go. I click on this. How do you fucking... Whatever.

All right, I got to go over that. What are you going to do? You know? What are you going to? This is just something I'm not good with. I got a buddy of mine who's, like all of a sudden, like buying old football carts. I'm like, I used to do that shit.

So now I'm living vicariously through him. He just sent me a text message. I just got Too Tall Jones for $7. Ed Too Tall Jones was on that line with Harvey Martin. And the manster, part man, part monster. Randy White. Then there's Bob Brewing, Cliff Harris, Charlie Waters. How do I still remember those names?

I don't fucking know. All right. So my next gig coming up, I believe, as I am in Utah. And I'm going there specifically to go see the Utah Mammoth play a game. I'm going to go to that Edmonton Oilers game. So I can see Connor McDavid Live, Leon Drysaitle. I can't believe they're not on the same line. Not because I don't understand.

splitting those two amazing players up, but the fact that they're both at the top of the league in points, because there's that guy that plays with, whatever the fuck his name is there, McKinnon on the avalanche, his linemate has a ton of points. But then it's like, you know, they're on the same line,

everybody's freaking out, opens the ice up or whatever. Oh, does it, Bill? Is that what you learned when he used to play pickup hockey? You fucking asshole. All right, that was fair criticism. that was fair all right here's a really stupid question the fact that we're at odds well not you or i or the venezuelan people the fact that our oil companies i'm sorry the fact that our government has

decided that they finally had enough of the drugs coming in from south america from the people that brought you let's go to epstein island comes we need to stop drugs coming into this country Does this mean like you can't go to the Galapagos Islands now? That was something I always wanted to do. But then I watched enough for the Nature Channel and I was just like, why don't I just leave that place alone? If I really want that place to be as beautiful as it is, a shithead like me shouldn't go down to Venezuela and then chatter a boat,

get on the fucking boat and go out there. I went to New Zealand. That's like the Galapagos Islands for like people that don't want to go out to see. Even though, you know, I can't even say technically, New Zealand is an island. That's something always made me confused when I was in geography class. They actually had a geography class. Um, was how Australia is considered a continent and not an island. Like, why can't it be both? You know what it was? Was because that expression, both things can be true did not exist back then.

You know? See, there's one to fucking grow on. I got to get back there at some point. I haven't been there in over 10 years. And I used to go there on a regular basis. Then I became a dad. But like, I fucking, uh, I loved it.

And to this day, I'll never forget landing there was like in the wintertime and being compelled to jump into the ocean, which I'm terrified of. And it was like rough seas, but it was fucking gorgeous. I forget where the hell I was. I was going for this walk and we were looking down this cliff and there was like a hotel with the pool

and the waves were crashing up and the fucking seawater was getting into the pool. But there was something about it, the foamy water and all of that. I wasn't even drinking coffee at that point. It was like a cappuccino. And it looked amazing. And I knew the second I jumped off that cliff,

I would be like, what the fuck did I just do? And then that would have been it. That would have been it. So anyway, I don't have any ad reads, you know. I wonder why. The dumb shit that I say on this fucking podcast. Well, that'll do it, Bill. You know, keep running your stupid yap.

That'll do it. So here's something exciting. Coming up on February 3rd, I'm playing a couple, two, three songs on Dean Del Rey's Bond Scott tribute comedy slash like rock show that he does. So I got to get these songs together. And I'm kind of psyched because one of them, I never knew how to count the beginning in. You know, like the famous one I'll give you,

as far as like weird songs on drums to try to count in on, is, um, I'm in my time of dying by Led Zeppelin. And I never would have figured it out. But it just so happened. This amazing drummer, Brian Tissie, broke it down one time. And he was talking about how Jimmy Page was, playing in four but not really four, but it is four. It's sort of like he's moving the time around.

So he was saying, you know that ba-da-da-da-da-da-da-da. I know I think I've talked about this before, but you count it like one and two and three and four and one and two and, you know, that slide, he plays it like deliberately out of time. But after it's da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da. And one and two and, and it's three, four. One, two, three, four, bum, bum, bum. I'm doing an ACDC song that's kind of like that. There's another one that I can never figure out. Jailbreak. Jail break.

I can never like, Phil Rudd, like after they play that beginning part of it, Phil Rudd, you know, starts keeping time on two and four on the hi-hat. and I just cannot, because they start in the middle of the riff, and my brain, I just can't, I can't hear it. You know, does that ever happening? I'm talking to, like, drummers here, musicians. Like, you ever just, like, you're not hearing it, right? Like, there's a foo fighter song that,

all my life, I've been looking for something. If you listen to the beginning, dun dun dun dun dun, dun, dun, dun, dun. It sounds like, initially. you know, what is it? It's either to 1E, to 2E, to 3E, to 4E, but if you make your brain, count that as 1E, 2EN, 2EN,

2EN, da, then, did, then, did, then, instead, then, then, then, then. It fucks your brain up. But I'm doing that on purpose, but on that, that, um, jailbreak the song, I just cannot find where the fuck that is. And I've been asked, being asked to ask my drum teacher, I haven't taken a lesson in too long.

like where the fuck is one you know and i think that's a metaphor for a lot of us right now where is the one where is the logic and what it is that we're doing here um what is what is our country's slogan give us your poor give us your downtrodden we need to amend that give us your poor He gives you down trodden our will, fucking kidnap them. The absurdity, the absolute fucking absurdity of corruption, what is going on right now. It's just beyond the pale. We've crossed the Rubicon. The die has been cast.

Yeah, I don't know about you guys. I don't know how long we think we're just going to go around and just take people's shit and think that people aren't going to eventually gang up on us. I don't think this is a good move, personally. But, you know, I'm not the brightest guy. I'm not the shappest tool in the tool shed. Maybe you guys can give me some wisdom on it. Educate me on it.

By the way, just for shits and giggles, watch how people clip what I just said. And they'll leave out that whole part, you know, like they did during that bullshit a few months ago, where I said, I'm just fucking with you. If I saw the money, I would have taken the gig, too. They cut that fucking part out. The cunts.

Oh, Jesus. They're all out there taking pictures of a salad. Okay. Anyway, who do you guys like? You got to like Indiana tonight, huh? They just seem like a team of destiny. All the big boys are out of it. Alabama, Ohio State, Georgia.

You know, they're all out of it. It's anybody's game. It's kind of like the AFC this year. Ravens are out of it. Hey, shout out to John Harbaugh. What a fucking run, huh? He had with the Ravens, won a Super Bowl title and coached for 18 years. That doesn't happen.

That doesn't happen. And they're saying that the dolphins are looking at him. And I actually did like a deep dive on the dolphins coach. Not deep dive. I just read up on him. I had no idea that guy's backstory. That guy's a really fascinating dude. Went to Yale, realized that he couldn't compete at that level, but he had like this coach's mind and he just fucking rolled with it.

You know, got a little crazy with the booze, had to go away for a few weeks. I relate to this guy. You were not what they were looking for, and you fucking made it anyways, and along the way, you got a little sideways with the booze. Anyway, I think that's it. Yeah, I got to go do the anything better part. I'm fucking podcast boy today. Sorry, this podcast was a little all over the place.

This always happens after I travel, and then I have to kind of like start and stop and then start again. So my apologies. but I want to thank everybody that came out to the Seattle gig, everybody that's buying tickets for the upcoming Utah show, and I'm going to have a bunch of dates coming up that I'm very excited about. I'm going to be doing the road in a very fun way, getting back to, you know, Billy's sports teams or whatever, realizing that I can, you know, have a wife, kids,

in a little bit of a life. You know, it doesn't just become like, you know, bluey SpongeBob and Godzilla movies. I'm not going to lie to you. I was starting to go a little nuts. I was starting to go a little, I was starting to relate to people in SpongeBob a little bit too much.

That maniacal laughing that they do in SpongeBob. I was like, oh, yeah, I know that feeling. Hang in there, buddy. Fucking hang in there. All right. This is going to be a great year, buddy. All right? I'm talking to you.

It's going to be great for everybody. We're going to have a great fucking year. We're going to be positive and be nice to people. despite everything that's going on out there. We're going to listen to one another. It's okay to live your life one way while somebody else lives their life another way. If nobody's hurting anybody,

it's okay to not agree politically. Right? And these fucking nerds are putting everybody on the unemployment line and the politicians are letting them do it on both sides of the aisles. So we got to look out for each other. That's it. That's all there is to it.

We got to get on the same page. The regular Joe. You got to set aside. I really wish this could just work by saying this. But whatever. You can always try. All right, that's the podcast. Have a great weekend.

You can't. And I'll check in on you. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's time for the Monday morning podcast for Monday. January 8th, 2018. That's a lot of AIDS, dude. I should go get a fucking

scratch ticket and play nothing but eight. Dude, my number came in, hit it for fucking seven in a quarter. We're going to go down to fucking what are the fuck of those casinos down there. Jesus Christ, I perform at him. Going to go down to Mahegan son, dude. Hit the fucking black check table,

splitting aces kid. Whatever, I'm playing with house money. How are you? How was your first weekend of the year? Did you enjoy it? There's only 51 left. Or four left, if you listen to people who are fucking freaking out about global warming. I mean, you know, I'm not saying that it doesn't concern me, but I just kind of take it day to day.

I look out the window, right? There's no zombies. I can turn on the faucet. There's still water. K. You've got to look for the zombies first. I like the old zombies. You know what I mean?

The ones that walked real slow. You had a fucking chance as opposed to now they're like running around. I'll roight it up. Royed it up. That's right. They're on the fucking juice. All these zombies need to be tested. They got to get it out of the fucking league.

All right? All those kills that all those other zombies have. That's why like zombies are killing so many people now. You know what I mean? Of course you don't. You don't know what the fuck I'm talking about. Neither do I. All right.

If you knew to my podcast, how are you? get ready to listen to some of the dumbest shit you're going to hear for you know for like another 58 minutes I think yeah good call minute 52 minute 52 into the podcast um I'm gonna fucking pat myself on the back that's the back of my head that's why it was fucking sounded like you know um fucking wedding ring you know it sucks about wedding ring you got this little piece of metal on your hand you hit yourself you know It's like a constant fucking, why can't, it's like a painful reminder. Oh, that's right.

I'm married. You know, fly goes onto your face. You whack yourself right in the face. You already slapped yourself in the face. And then your wedding ring catches like your brow. You know, you're like, ah, fuck. And right after that happens, your wife goes, Honey, could you?

What? I was just asking if you could do me a favor. Where did that come from? I did the smartest thing tonight. Right. Me and my wife, right? My wife, we had this, you know, every once in a while you got a clean house, right? And be like, all right. Let's go with it. Kid can't hear us. Let's just sit down and we're going to talk about what we've been doing over the last whatever month, six months, decade, depending on how long it's been since you've had those talks, right? Having a talk in a

relationship is like fucking the end of your year when you have to do your taxes and you you didn't organize anything and you got a year's worth of fucking receipts all sticking out all over the place and you just keep putting it off and putting it off you know what I mean the next thing you know the box is fucking another box down the street right um so we try to air it out so we went out all right got some chicken wings and we just fuck it I think we were just going to go out to we knew that we needed to hang out like we got to hang out right the kids taking a lot of our us time we need to go fucking hang us so we go hang out And then just all this shit came out.

All right. And one of the things that I was doing is I was ruining television for her. Because I don't shut up when I watch TV. I imitate people. I make fun of them. And when the other person is in the room and they want to watch the show, evidently, it's really annoying. Of course, it's annoying. So, and if she's watching reality TV, like, I never shut up.

because it's just, I mean, I don't know. So I've been trying not, you know, if she's watching something that we both enjoy, like, OZAC, you know, or the Black Mirror, oh, they all got Boston, they got the R's in there, all the shows that we like, Twilight Zone, all of that shit. If we're watching shit like that, I shut up. All right, but if it's anything else, I don't shut the fuck up. So she's watching like reality shows. So tonight she was watching the Golden Globes.

All right. And I know right there, I can't watch that show with her because she's going to get mad at me. So I just wanted to watch Seth's monologue. I always watch the comic because it's such a fucking crazy gig. Right? To come out there, you're doing all brand new shit. And like sitting right in the front row like two feet away is fucking Oprah Winfrey. and, you know, Samuel Jackson

and William Diffel. All these fucking people are there. It's like the whole move, the whole, everything you're watching at home on TV, like television shows, movies, all of a sudden it turns around and looks at you while you go out there with a new fucking 10 minutes, so whatever the hell it is, they do.

So, um, I'm watching that. Seth is fucking killing. And I, and I, the first time I talked was at some point when I saw Oprah was sitting there, I leaned up and go, can you imagine doing your jokes? And Oprah is like right there.

She was like, and? And I was like, oh, fuck. All right. And I just, I'm going to shut up. And then the award show started. And the smartest thing I did is I just, I pretended I had to go do something. And I just sort of got up and I walked out.

So I wouldn't, I wouldn't do the rest of it. I wouldn't do the rest. I wouldn't ruin the fucking show for it. And guess what? We're not in a fight right now. It's unbelievable. You know? And she would just, I just stayed in the kitchen.

I made some waffles. I'm one of those breakfast for dinner kind of guys. You know, that's how I do it. That's my swagger. That's the marble man that I have in me. I just realized the second I said that, that's like some shit you say when you're trying to be interesting on a date. Or if you're too dumb to know you're not interesting,

you would say something. First of all, I want to thank everyone who's still listening to this. The fact that I said, I'm a breakfast for dinner kind of guy. All right? What I should have said was I like having breakfast for dinner sometimes. But I said I'm a breakfast for dinner kind of guy. Once you say kind of guy, you should be legally required to do the double fucking pistol shot with you. With your fingers.

I'm that kind of guy. Bang, bang. Side of fucking sausage. So I was out there making waffles. And she yelled out. She goes, Sammy won, Sammy one. Sam Rockwell won. So I obviously loved Sam.

And he did something that's really hard to do. He had a great speech. And then, you know, I was watching a little bit more. And I felt all these things that I was going to say. So I just walked out. I walked out before I said something stupid, you know. If your tux is all black, you're not. a rapist, welcome to the golden globes.

Like, I would have been doing shit like that. Do you realize you could be an absolute fucking monster? Okay, but if you wore an all black tuxedo, like everyone would be looking at you like you were progressive. That's why I, you know, I understand why it's done because it's a show of strength and everybody's like, yes, this is obviously something that, you know, needs to stop, yada, yada, and a bunch of other obvious shit. but it also creates this thing where you could just walk in and no one's going to fuck with you because you're wearing the right uniform. That's why I don't like all of that political correctness stuff is because you create a roadmap for people to just get across the river

because they know what to say or what not to say when they're in public and everybody's like, oh, he said Native American, he said blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, obviously, and he has an all black tuxedo. He must be a good person. All right? Now, all of this is just shit that no one wants to fucking hear when they're trying to watch. So I ran in. I saw Sam Rockwell. When I heard Carol Burnett was there, I ran and I saw that. And when I heard Roseanne Barr and John Goodman were on, I ran in and I watched that, you know. And I don't know. I saw something else. I saw Jennifer Anderson. Oh, look. She was there with, uh, uh, uh, Carol Burnett.

How fucking great does she look? I'm telling you, man. She does not age at all. Her and fucking Howie Long. I said the exact same, that's kind of weird, right? I said the exact same thing when I saw Howie Longed today when I was watching the playoffs. He's like, he fucking looks unbelievable. Guy just does, he has not lost one hair on top of his head. I haven't been able to have that haircut since I was like 15. Um, anyways, uh, I've fucking watched. much goddamn sports this weekend.

I did do a little duo lingo trying to get back into the whole, trying to I have to become bilingual and I have to learn how to speak French because that's such a snooty fucking language and I'm such a dope. How hilarious would it be? That's what keeps me going.

All right? Not respect for the culture. Not trying to improve myself just how fucking funny it would be if I was completely fluent in French and like really good at it. I could speak the slang, I wouldn't have an accent. You know, I mean, just think of how much dumb shit I've said right now.

And all of a sudden, out of nowhere, I could just start speaking perfect, I could go to Paris and no one would turn their fucking nose up at me. Oh, the opportunity. I'm telling me, I want to do that because I want to go there and I want to act like a fucking moron. I mean, I didn't have to act. I'm just, I'd ramp it up, you know? And then just listen to hear what they would say. And I would just, I would, 10 days of just laughing my fucking bull.

balls off and then ruining it for all you guys who go over there if you're from here um anyways so i uh i had the peach bowl taped recorded saved in fucking digital space whatever the fuck you kids say and i was meaning to watch it because i came home from the roseball and i saw i was like holy shit central florida won so uh i actually put it on and my wife was six this weekend you Everybody got the bug. Everybody got the stomach flu. I haven't got it yet. Okay?

I take these little chewables. All right? And I take a men's... What the fuck do you call it? A men's vitamin. What do they call those things? Men's daily or some shit. I never take them.

I take them when I start to feel sick. And I knew everybody was getting sick around me, so I just started fucking just chowling those things down, right? and I've been able to hold it off. And last night I actually slept in a different room. You know what I mean? I love my wife, but I'm not going to start puking and shitting, you know what I mean? Unnecessarily.

I wouldn't put her through that, right? I mean, Jesus Christ, for better or for worse. And then there's like common sense. And my wife's cool as hell, so she was just like, yeah, get out of here. Get out of here. So I left. You know what's weird? is if

when you ever just like when I sleep in a different room I sleep on the opposite side of the bed so when I wake up and I get a sense that the edge of the bed is on the wrong side and I'm not on the road

you know it freaks me out like where the fuck am I did I get arrested for a murder I didn't commit and then I open my eyes and I'm like oh fuck no I'm just sleeping in a different room in my own house

that's cool so anyways I watch the fucking Peach Bowl and I watch Central Florida man, what a fucking game. What a game, man. Central Florida, huh? This is long overdue.

Congrats in that, I hope he'd say his name, Shaquine Griffin, the linebacker on the team, the guy's got one hand. He's got one hand, and he was dominating. Dominating Auburn, who I swear to God, half of their guys looked like they had

like 40 pounds on whoever they were lining up against. And I love Auburn. I love Auburn. I love watching them be. Alabama. You know, I love seeing that shit. It's just fun. It's fun to see, you know,

because Alabama's supposed to win. So Auburn was supposed to win that one. So, I mean, how do you not root for Central Florida? Central Florida, I went to their campus, right? Did I go to Central Florida? I don't think I did. I went to the other one. Where the game was at the War and the Four?

The one that's in Orlando. I went to that one. And I just went in and I looked at the campus and I was like, I could have got accepted here. I could have gone to this fucking school. Like their campus is in the middle of like a rotary. Like there's a big roundabout. And they just, it's like they had a big roundabout and then they stuck a school right in the middle of it.

So I had to root for them because I loved that game so much. You know, so you've got to love an underdog. So congratulations to them. And what else? And I watched all of the playoff games, playoffs, except yet, no, I can't even say that. I watched two of the games today, and I missed, you know, I put the Kansas City game on right at the end. And because my brother texted me, he said, was talking about Sean McDonner's voice when it cracked. I can't believe the level of shit the guy got for that.

That was a great call. It just wasn't a touchdown. Then everybody who's fucking miserable has got to trash the guy. I wish something as exciting as that happened every game just to hear him lose his shit. I heard was a guy that loves the game and fucking loves his job. Everybody's like, you hear his voice crack? I don't know, my voice cracks when I get excited, you know? Anyways, so everybody's jumping all over Andy Reid, you know, giving him shit for fucking,

I don't even know what the hell happened. I have no idea. I know that they're big fucking tight end, the potato sack race guy. I know he took a shot to the head, so he wasn't in the game. Obviously, that would change. Bill, you were literally going to break down a game he didn't watch? Yeah, probably. Probably.

You know, you know what? The guy can't get it done. Guy can't get it done. Andy Reid. You know, that guy can't get it done. You know, people love to say that kind of shit. People who can't get it done in their own lives. You know what I mean?

Guy can't get it done. Nobody can get it done in Kansas City. Nobody's got it done in Kansas City since fucking Hank Stram. All right. He's gone to a fucking franchise that is a perennial fucking loser. And he came from another one, Philadelphia, that's a perennial fucking loser. All right? Kansas City won a Super Bowl in 1970.

The fucking Eagles won in 1960. Anybody can do the Phil Jackson thing and fucking go jump on the goddamn Lakers when they got already got Kobe Bryant and Shaq? Andy Reid likes a challenge. I'm going to the most miserable fucking sports city in the world. Philadelphia. He went there before the Phillies won. All right? Well, they had won in 1980, but you know what I mean.

So in defense of that guy, is everybody shitting all over them, like they would have known how to run the clock or whatever the fuck they're giving him shit about. That guy is taking on two huge fucking challenges. The Philadelphia Eagles and the Kansas City Chiefs. All right, so there's my take on it, having not watched the game. You see that? You see what happens when you just find an angle and you just go off on it? It actually sounded for half a second like I knew what I was talking about, right?

Actually, you know why I didn't see the game? The real reason I didn't see the game, but wasn't because my wife was sick. The real reason why is because I was busy looking at game film. I was busy looking at game film getting ready to, you know, I had to coach some kids out in Buffalo against this team, the Jaguas. If one more person sends me a goddamn photo going, is it me or you look just like this guy?

It's like, dude, that joke was made like a year ago. Like, if you guys really want to just fucking annoy me, just keep sending me that. Like, you got to deliver it like it's the first time. You know, I should have done it. I should have started retweeting all of them. Maybe that's what I need to do it. I thought I already retweeted him to be like, this joke has been made.

Can we build on it? I'm not saying don't make the joke, but you got to knock, knock, knock who's there, banana, banana who? Banana who? I get it. Where the hell am I? All right. Jags beat the fucking bills. Oh, that's right.

I watched that. That's the first game I watched. I missed the Atlanta Falcons playing the Rams. And I think like a lot of people, I forgot that Atlanta won the first 58 minutes of last year's Super Bowl. And then what was great was they completely fucked up their regular season to the point nobody was talking about them. But they made the playoffs. So now everybody's zero and zero to start. And they got all that experience from the last year, last year, right?

I don't know. Who the fuck do they play next week? They go to Philly. They go to Philly. and Philly was all lined up to go. And what happens? Carson Wentz gets his fucking knee fucked up for the rest of the season. Because it's Philly.

Okay? And I'm not shitting on Philly. Any Eagle fan will tell you this. The second you put that fucking helmet on, somebody's got to break that curse, man. Do you think it's going to be Nick Foles? Huh? Does his last name sound too much like Follies?

The Nick Folls Follies. If he fucking blows this game, I'm telling you right now, he's going to be starring in one of those ice capades. He'll be like the guy with the top hat. Bringing out a bunch of old eagles on ice skates that never won Super Bowls. I'm trying to figure out who I'm going to root for this. Obviously, I'm rooting for the Patriots, but who else do I like? You know, I actually like the Saints. What a great game that was.

Now, that game I saw against the fucking Panthers. A lot of drops, some critical drops by the Panthers of the first. You know what I? I think is going to happen. I think Drew Brees. The underrated Drew Brees. He's like third all-time passing. Nobody talks about him. You know what I mean? You know why? He's just a regular-looking guy. You know? He's a little taller than Doug Flutie. Okay? He's a little shyer than fucking Brett Farrf. And he's not as good-looking as Tom Brady. You know? And he's down there in New Orleans and nobody's paying attention. Nobody's fucking paying attention. Nobody's fucking paying attention.

And meanwhile, the guy's out there killing it. He's got a Super Bowl ring. So now he's going to Minnesota to face some guy named Case Keenham, who people are saying he's in the running to be the athlete of the league. He is. You think Drew Breeze is afraid of that? I don't think he is. This is my prediction for next week, knowing nothing about the Minnesota Vikings.

Okay? I say Drew Breeze goes into Minnesota. Okay? And when he leaves, there's going to be a bunch of people crying at the Mall of America. I think the Saints go in and they fucking beat Minnesota. You know, buddy of mine was going, I can't believe Minnesota built another dome. They're like a cold city team. That's like a great advantage. And now Drew Breeze is going to go in and play in a dome. He's going to be at home. And I was just like, why did they make a dome?

And I was like, that's what I was thinking. But we're old guys. and I think that, you know, the NFL's done with us. You know, they're now trying to move on to the millennials. And you've got to build a dome because millennials don't like to go outside, right? So if you can just get them to an Uber, they'll get to the game. And then look, look, you're back inside again. You're back inside.

There's big TV screens. You can stare at those instead of watch the game, but you can sit here and say you were at what you watched on a TV. All right, the Patriots are playing the Titans. We'll see. We'll see how that one goes. You never know. And who do the Steelers got?

The Steelers got the fucking, they got the Jags. Right? The Steelers got the Jags. I'm kind of happy both those teams. One of them is going to knock the other guy off. Although I am not excited, you know, if we get past the Titans, I am not excited to play the Steelers again because they already beat us once this year. but unfortunately we were given the victory over that whole bullshit

maybe it's a good thing because we ended up getting home field but I always think the team that loses has the advantage the second time around however however I just think Bill Belichick is such a superior coach by the way you know do I really have to address this stupid shit about Bill Belichick

that he's going to leave the Patriots over a fucking personal trainer I sometimes I just think that the fucking media just has it out for the fucking patriots. I just don't understand. I've never seen such a big bunch of shit made out of nothing.

And here's the thing. If he's fucking going back, if Belichick ever went back to the Giants, who gives a fuck? He's not ours. He started with the Giants. Okay, well, he didn't. He started with like the fucking lions or something.

But he started with the Giants. Okay? That's where he got his first ring. Then he went over to the goddamn jets. Right? The man goes over to the fucking Jets. And, um, no, he went to Cleveland before that and they fired him, typical Cleveland move. He goes over to the Jets.

He was going to be the Jets coach. It was right there. And then he just wanted to get out from underneath Bill Parcells and he left. So it wouldn't be a defection out of Boston. It would be a return home. We fucking stole that guy in 1999. We've gone to seven Super Bowls. one five. Maybe that's why we never beat the Giants. That was the football guards going, Bill,

you never should have left. Actually, he should have left. You know what I mean? That was like when he stepped out from Bill Parcell's shadow, became the fucking legend that he is now. But anyways, at the end of the fucking day, I don't give a fuck about Tom Brady's personal trainer. I don't give a shit. Who the fuck would break up the goddamn band over that is beyond me. Am I really supposed to think that that's a real fucking thing? That would shock me. Not if he left. It would just shock me if it was over that.

But, you know, Bill Parcell's left over Terry Glenn, rest in peace. You know, I'll never quite forgive that guy for telling the fucking team that he wasn't coming back to next year before we played the Packers in the Super Bowl. And actually, has that ever even been confirmed? Somebody just told me he did that. All right. I'd like to apologize to Bill. Parcells. What the fuck am I talking about here? What you're listening to is a man who did nothing with this weekend. That's what you're doing.

Okay? And that's why you're probably listening because you probably did it too. All right. Here's one of the douchiest things. I haven't done it yet, but I'm going to do it. And I feel like I have to admit to it before I do it. Okay? Anybody in Ireland? Wait, I got to make sure that's the right country. Who makes Shepherds pie? You know what I mean? There's like all these, those fucking pies over there. I love all of them. I got all that blood in me. English, Irish, Scottish. So any sort of those fucking meat pies, I like that shit.

All right. Shepherds pie. Origin. Shepard's pie was invented by Seamus O' Shepherd. Shepherd's pie or cottage pie is a meat pie. A place of origin, the United Kingdom. Oh, all right. Because there's no sheep in Ireland.

that what it is? I always forget. Then Ireland, they make a different one, right? Shepherds pie, a cottage pie, blah, blah, blah, bah, the dish you get, yeah, history. This is going to be boring as shit. In early cookbooks, the dish was a means of using leftover roasted meat of any kind, and a pie dish

was lined with mashed potatoes as well as having a mashed potato crust on top. So they built the wall around it back then. Where did it come from? Like that? I can't find it so I can't So I just yelled at my computer

I don't give a fuck You know, that's it right there That's why I didn't do well in school I look it up and I have like I got I got that clock in my head like a quarterback You know I got the clock before I just throw it out of bounce I don't care now

Now I'm not gonna learn it I'll fucking make it up on the next question And that's why I got like a 390 combined on my SATs I did and I took a prep course And I actually I actually I studied did I break I don't think I broke 400

I know whatever you do is Dude I give you like 350 I know I know Anyways I'm gonna make a shepherd's pie with cauliflower mashed potatoes I just have to pause here as everybody's going No Yeah Because this gluten-free diet that I'm doing

I'm kind of half-ass doing it But just half-ass doing it I don't have to work out. That's fucking great. I'm telling you, man, if you lay off the gluten, I remember thinking, what the fuck is gluten? And then they told me what it's everything that it's in. And I'm like, oh, so like all the good foods, all the foods I love,

I've just been laying off the old glute there. Gluten free. If you ever saw my flat ass, you'd be surprised. Oh, sorry, bad joke. Yeah, so I'm going to make it with cauliflower Because I'm not allowed to eat potatoes I'm sorry people I've been out here too long

You know I've been 10 years out here Out here in Hollywood And now I've become a gluten-free douche I'm not really Because I got these brioche buns That I bought for the hot dogs at the Rose Bowl And it was the only thing I fucked up

I forgot to not only bring hot dogs I forgot to buy them So I have all of these brioche buns. It's like, I'm not going to throw them out. So I went out and brought some hot dogs. So I'm kind of full of sodium and gluten at this point. Anyways, so I'm going to make Shepherds Pie with mashed potatoes, and I'm not putting this. Well, it's one recipe I saw they had corn in it. And I was like, I wouldn't fuck it. Why would you do that? It's all about the peas. You got the lamb in there, right? You got a little bit of onion. Mince that up.

A couple other fucking salt and pepper, whatever else you put in there. And then you get the Peeze. Fucking corn. It's an imposter. It doesn't have the guts of a pee. That's why it's yellow. It's a little yellow fucking cowardly fucking Is it a vegetable?

It's not a fruit, is it? I don't know. So that's what I'm going to do. I make your shepherd's pie with fucking mashed potatoes. Cullaflower mashed potatoes. I actually really like cauliflower mashed potatoes. I don't like cauliflower, but if you're going to throw a bunch of butter on it,

I mean, how is it not going to taste good? You know? The only thing I really don't like. is that fucking, what is that shit they were putting in everything for a while? What the fuck? It was it being with a teed, isn't it? Truffle oil. I remember one time we went out and there was mashed potatoes and they had truffle oil in it.

No, no, I'm sorry. It had macaroni and cheese and they put truffle oil in. Why would you do that? You don't need to. It's pasta with cheese. Fuck off. You know? Truffle oil for a while was like the fucking Harry Krishna of ingredients.

You know? You know? Tell me don't want any. Fuck out of you. Leave me alone. And I, and the waiter or the waitress. Or is there a, is there, I can't believe no one's been offended by that yet. Waiter and waitress.

And we're all waiters? Is there a fucking gender, gender neutral fucking term? we can come up with that a weight attendant well that's going to get someone a body image um the fucking person who gives you your food who would rather be doing a different job for better money there is that a good description was that genderless um told me that there was only a little bit of truff there's just a hint of it there's just a hint there's just a dash and i was like all right and i ordered it and it just it sucked Truffle oil overpowers every fucking thing.

It's like a comic that's on offstage, like a fucking lampshade over its goddamn head. I hate truffle oil. I don't even know what it is. Should I look that up and fucking... Isn't it from like a mushroom or something? Truffle oil. This is why the internet makes people less funny.

Because back in the day, he just had no idea, and he just guessed. and then there was always somebody in the room with a big enough fucking ego to just definitively give you an answer, even though they didn't know. Truffle oil is a modern culinary ingredient used to impart the flavor and aroma of truffles to a dish. All right, now we're looking up truffles. A truffle is a fruiting body of subterranean.

It's cum set fungus. How fuck is that? All right. Now I'm looking up a scumset. A scumset. is a division or a phylum of the kingdom of fungi. All right, what's a phylum? In biology, a phylum is a level of classification or a taxonomic rank.

In biological classification, a taxonomical rank. See what I'm saying? This is why I don't look up shit. I'm too dumb to understand the fucking definition. It just keeps going. It's like a humble. By the time you get down it, you don't even know what the fuck you were asking the question. It's like, you ever go on like, I can't say that.

You know what I mean? Some of these streaming sites, right? And you're fucking, I'm going to watch that. Watch that. Now watch that. What was that other thing I was going to watch? All right. Anyways, what am I read a little bit of advertising?

Shall I? Shall I read a little bit of advertising. Oh, look who's back. Indochito. All right. And we're done. We're done. with the Reeds for the week.

If you might notice, you might have noticed that I am in a little more of a perkier mood. I am in a great move because guess what, guess what, guess what, guess what? I finally made a breakthrough in my rehab of this fucking lingering rotator cuff and injury. You know, it's funny, I don't even know if it's cup or cuff. I think it's cuff. I always forget. I think I said cup for most of my life.

Let's go back to Wikipedia. Rotator. Oh, it's cuff. It's not cuff. In anatomy, the rotator cuff is a group of muscles and their tendons that act to stabilize the shoulder. Yeah, that's the problem because when they fucking don't, your shoulder kind of comes out of the socket maybe.

I don't know. The four muscles of the rotator cuff are over. half of the seven scapulferamial muscles. The scapiaferamylum muscles are a group of seven muscles that connect to the humorous, the humerus to the scapula.

They are amongst the muscles that act on the glial room. What the fuck is that? The shoulder joint. Oh, that's the shoulder joint. The glenohumbral join. I'm going to fuck. Anyways, my shoulder's been bugging me. So, I didn't understand

I don't understand how to rehab. Like when I felt pain, I stopped. I didn't understand that you had to kind of go into it a little bit. Like you skimming the frosting off, right? Or if you're making steel cut oats, you know, that awful gluey shit on top, you just skimmed that off. You kind of got to do that with the pain. So this person told me this great exercise where I just, I laid down on my back and then put my arm like if I was standing up, I would be pointing straight ahead. but when you lay down your back, you're now pointing at the ceiling.

Okay, I'm not saying put your arm up over your fucking head. Just pointing straight up and just start making little circles. You know, a bunch clockwise, a bunch counterclockwise. And then you just gradually increase slowly as shit the circumference of them. And when you start to feel the top layer of pain, you know, that's where you stop. But when I was going, how I've been doing it, when I go around into the circle, is I kind of stay at an acceptable level of confronting the pain. And I swear to God, I've been doing that for like the, just like since Thursday.

And I've gotten like 30% increase, I would say, in my range of motion. And I feel like I can get this thing, you know, I'm not saying restrincten it, but I think I can get it all back by the end of the fucking month. I can't say that because I don't want to fucking rush it because I don't mess it up again. But I'm very excited about it. that's put me in a better mood. You know what they say, you know, hey, at least you got your health,

because it puts you in a bad goddamn mood. All right, so somebody was asking me, Dean Del Rey's Diet. Hi, Bill, can you please talk about Dean Del Rey's diet details on his next podcast? I'd like to lose a little weight myself. So I have to go on to Dean Del Rey's podcast. Let there be talked from the All Things Comedy Network, Network, Network? work.

Dean can explain it. I don't remember all of it. I just kind of like, I eat like for breakfast. I have two eggs ovagy. And then I have one serving of steel cut oats that take for fucking ever to cook. That's another way to lose weight, waiting for your food to be ready. And then for like a snack, I'll have Ezekiel bread, which tastes like shit, unless you put butter. And I have almond peanut butter.

It's almond butter is what it is. And I have that, and that's actually fucking delicious and it's filling. And then for lunch, I have quinoa with black beans. And then I throw salsa on top to give it some sort of fucking flavor. Because other than that, you know, I've never eaten a shoe with a newspaper on top because that's what it tastes like. I try to avoid throwing salt or any of that shit in there. And then in the afternoon, I don't know. What the fuck do I have?

There's always that one meal before you have the real meal. Right around 4 o'clock, I have like a fucking, I don't know what. Sometimes I'll have whatever the fuck I want. And other times there's like this pasta that's made out of chickpeas. It tastes a little weird, but it's not that bad, you know? And then for dinner, I just have a protein with like a salad. salad and I'm done and I just drink waters and I stay away from the booze and all of that bullshit and um it's this weird thing when you eat like that where I think what you

say oh my god this food's so boring and blah blah blah blah it's because you're used to the sugar or salt it gets your system going like sugar's like yeah or salt does whatever the fuck salt does like it's like you get you fix so when you eat that's when you eat stuff that doesn't have any of that in it. You're just not hungry afterwards, and it's weird. And then, but you feel energized, but it's a different kind of, you got to adjust your brain to the fueling your body rush as opposed to the roller coaster of sugar and salt. So that's as much as I know about the diet.

I've been doing that. And then, you know, I eat like that most of the time. Probably 80% of the time I eat that way. And then occasionally, if I just want to have a fucking pizza, I eat it. But Dean doesn't. Dean just fucking stays with it. And that fucking guy, every once in a while, he sends me a picture of him when I first met him. He doesn't go look at the same person.

Because not only did he lose all this weight, like he, like his skin fucking cleared up. You know, he used to look like. like a fucking cop with 20 years in is what he used to look like, you know? Now he looks like a fucking rock star. So I would listen to him. His podcast, let there be talk. I'm sure he's had a dietitian or something. He gets great guests over there.

All right, Bill, you're not an addict. Hey, old ginger balls. I'm a big fan of the podcast and looking forward to your next special and the new season of F is for Family. Keep up to great work. Thank you. I've been listening to the podcast for the last couple of weeks And I've heard you going back and forth About abstaining from booze

And most recently about AA Yeah, I'm sorry that fuck I said a lot of bad things about AA If it fucking works for it works for you It's just fun to make fun of that shit You know, it's funny I saw the other day in a strip mall There was, you know, all these different stores

And one of the stores there It said Alcoholics Anonymous You know what I mean? It's kind of putting it out there, isn't it? You know, it's bad enough. These poor people had to sneak into porno stores and that type of shit back when they were drinking. Now you're not going to do that to them. Shouldn't it say Bill W's?

Well, I guess if you didn't have that sign up, a bunch of cunts like me might be walking in. Like, what are you guys selling? And you guys would be like, hope. Smoke-filled room with donuts. I've been working in addiction. And back to the letter here. I have been working in addiction in the addiction field for over a decade. teach an addiction course at a college

and work at one of the most highly respected addiction programs up here in Canada. Oh, dude, you know, you had it all. You had me until you said Canada. Canada doesn't count. Dude, you live in Canada. For me to be considered an alcoholic in Canada, I have to drink like fucking two cases of Molson.

You guys are animals up there. half you guys don't know you're alcoholics. You just think you're keeping warm. All right. Let me not judge this guy. Now that I've mentioned my credentials, while at the same time sounding like a pompous cunt, all right, I love this guy.

He called himself out on it. I can tell you that you are not an addict. It's like you are not the father. You are not an addict. Everything you have mentioned on the podcast, and I am a long-time listener. Oh, so when you said me listened to the last couple of weeks, I guess you dip in and dip up, right?

All right. The word addiction is thrown around a lot. So is the word hero. It's thrown around a lot and typically refers to any behavior that is out of our control, to put it as simply as possible. People will often say things like they're addicted to things like TV, shopping, sex, etc. People also use the word to explain withdrawal symptoms of a substance or behavior, i.e., I must be addicted to coffee because I get headaches in the morning if I don't get a cup. However, experiencing enjoyment or withdrawal symptoms does not mean that someone has an addiction. Can we just kind of stop here and say this is one of the best written fucking

letters in a while? I apologize that my level of intellect is reading it, but I think you guys can hear that this person seems to know what he's talking about. Or she, or it, or her, who used to be him? Did I cover everything? However, in the addition, in the addition, in the addiction field, there is a way to tell if someone has an addiction. We call them the four seas of addiction. Cash, cunts, cauliflower, I ran up in the charges, L.A. Chargers. Okay, if you have persistent, if you, okay, if you have persistent cravings for drugs, alcohol, slash alcohol, if you have lost control over how much and how frequently you use, if you continue to use, if you continue to use despite consequences, i.e. legal issues, job loss, children take it away. And if you feel a

compulsion to use, i.e. always feeling like you need a drug or alcohol. There's a bunch of weed smokers going, alcohol is a drug. Then you can begin to think you have an addiction. Knowing what I know about from you on the podcast, I'm not going to pretend to know you personally. I have never heard you mention any significant consequences around booze other than your DUI when you were young. And you have control of booze since you can have a full bar in the house and not drink it and abstain for long periods at a time from booze. The bar in the home also means you don't have a compulsion to drink. People that struggle with significant alcoholism cannot have booze just sitting around their place without drinking it. That's fucking funny to me.

I don't know why. They're just sitting there seen at the corner. Ryan, they're like sweating. It's fucking looking at me, man. You like that black dude and predator shaving your head? I see you over there on that bar. I don't believe you have an addiction and you don't need to go to A.A. For me, he wrote it all in capitals.

You're just some cunt that likes to booze whose job and lifestyle allows for it. Dude, you're going to talk me into drinking tonight. If you ever feel like you do need. some serious help, go see a professional instead of some sorry sap bleeding his heart out in a church basement in front of a group of strangers. Having said that, I know AAA does work for some people, and if you're into that, knock yourself out. You're just like me, you had to shit on it a little bit. Hope this helps and can silence the Bill W listeners of the Monday morning podcast. Best of luck in the New Year and all the best to Nia and your lovely daughter and go fuck yourself. Wow, I might have to

Fucking download that, whatever, print it out and frame it. At framers.net, whatever the fuck those people are. Framebridge. I got to use those guys for that. Wow, that was awesome. That made me feel better about myself. Am I going to drink now? No, I got to go do a set tonight.

All right. Chef not making enough money. That was really informative, by the way. I definitely went through periods where I was craving it you know and didn't want to drink and then I was just like this is what I do anything I would just go over and I just you know but it felt more like a diet thing

like late at night just fucking eat well don't go out and go make a fucking grilled cheese sandwich and then you just go out and do it but what that first fucking night when you don't do it then I can stop so yeah I don't think I am Bill stop giving me examines The guy left you off the hook. All right.

Chef not making enough money. All right. Dear Billy Betty Crocker. I like that one. Way to go champ on your pie making skills. I'm the chef of a new restaurant. This year, the restaurant has made $100 grand more than the year before. The restaurant is doing great, but I'm making sad money.

I have a wife and a daughter. My wife has always supported my cooking, but I don't make the money I should. Recently, my wife told me I could work with her brother as an electrician for the water district. I could be making three times more than what I could as a chef. I love cooking. It's the one thing that makes me happy. Do I hang tight with the cooking and do what I love or skip out and go with the easy money? I have investors ready to support my cooking, but I need money now.

Love to hear what your thoughts are your thoughts. Oh, Jesus, dude, this is a huge fucking decision. how much do you love cooking is this your dream is this what you want to do I can only equate to stand-up comedy there is not a job out there that would have paid three times more

than what I could make as a comedian that I would have ever even for a second considered ever ever not even for a fucking second okay if you feel that way about cooking that I would stay with the chef jump

However, if you don't feel that way, then I would talk to somebody else. This is a major decision to it. I'm not making this decision for you, but I can tell you, you know, one of the great things about my dream of being a comedian was I really had no other options because I kind of sucked at everything else. And I was miserable doing anything else. And that was the only thing I ever did where the second I did it, I was just like, oh, I'm doing this for fucking ever.

It's it. I don't give a shit. But I also didn't have a wife and a daughter at the time. There's a lot of variables here. You have investors ready to support your cooking, but I need money right now. I would say this. This is your decision, buddy. If you decide to keep cooking, you got to get your wife on the right page.

You guys got to get on, like I should say on the same page. You know, if you really believe in yourself and then you can run a restaurant, you can be one of those guys, right? walking around with the orange clogs fucking riding a Vespa and all that shit you know like Mario Battali that was another guy

fucking grabbed a couple people's asses now I never get to see him again you know what I mean can he just fucking from his self-imposed exile he can't just make a fucking use the well method and show me how to make something you know you just put him on a leash

right you put him on a fucking leash and he can't go anywhere away from the island in his kitchen. Anyways, all right. That's what I would do. Okay, sir, I would ask how much do you want to be a fucking chef? All right. And if you want to be a chef, you got to get your wife on the same page. Other than that, you know, if it's not your fucking dream, then you could just fucking

become an electrician who has the best fucking cookouts ever. All right. Ex-girlfriend hooks up with Stranger at Party. We both attended. Okay. Hey, Billy, on the back nine of life. that's true my girlfriend and I broke up about four months ago

after an 11 year relationship wow sorry to hear that we share a lot of the same friends and I knew we would see each other at a friend's new year's party two days before the party my ex hit me up and asked to get a drink and clear the air before seeing each other

for the first time since the breakup we had an awesome time and we ended up going out again the next night and at an even better time. She then asked if I wanted to share a cab to and from the New Year's party. I agreed. Well, at the party, she met a guy, and they were all over each other the entire night. Oh, God.

She ended up ditching me and going home with him at the end of the night. I have hooked up with a few people since to break up, but never in front of my ex. And after the previous two nights, I was absolutely devastated by what she did. I would love any advice or insight. Thanks and go fuck yourself. Well, it really seemed like, unless she was completely shit-faced, that really seemed a little calculated. And that right there, sir, your story right there is why I avoided staying in contact with ex-girlfriends.

Not saying they were all bad, but I had a girlfriend like that, an ex. and they have like this six cents as right as you're starting to get past and over them. They just feel it. They call you up and they just fuck your life, your head up all over again. Here's one for you. Dude, what kind of a person would do that?

Huh? The kind of person that you don't want to put your seed in. Just know that that could have been the mother of your fucking children. You dodged a bullet. Congratulations, sir. Congratulations. Okay. And I'm willing to bet that unless she completely fucks up her life, you will not hear from her again. Or you will hear from her because she is a sadistic person and wants to hear your reaction. She wants to hear the pain and get off on it while she goes like, well, I didn't think there'd be a problem. because we were broken up. So I don't know why you're putting this on me, okay?

I thought we both had. We had nice time. We were adults. And the whole time, she's just getting off on the fact that you still give a fuck. So, dude, you dodged a major fucking bull.

I mean, I would never do that to somebody. I would never. I wouldn't do that. Like, if, you know, I wouldn't do that now. I've been with Nia forever.

If I saw an ex-girl, I would never fucking. I would just whisper, Neil, let's get out of you. Let's get out of you, you know. Let's go someplace a little more quieter. I would never do that to somebody. That's just a fucking asshole, male or female.

To do that to somebody is a really fucking asshole thing. I'm sorry that happened to you. But you know what? You know what's great, dude? She's out of your life. She's out of your life. And you know what? Those people are, they're like those

What About Bob people. You know, remember the beginning of what about Bob? The therapist gets Bill Murray's character, waferman, dumps him in fucking Dreyfus's lap. That's what she's, she's the fucking female version. Those, what about Bob people? If you can ever dump them off on other

people, it's fucking tremendous. And she did it to herself. And this is what you do. Anytime you ever see her after that, just big smile on your face. Big smile on your face. Hey, how you doing? Are you men? No, no, we've broken up. Good for you. You know,

have the time of your life. All right. Nice seeing leave all right and uh now's a great time dude to fucking expand your horizon find new friends indulge in a fucking hobby travel get yourself in great shape go to the gym it's time to you fucking work on you and that person you is in the rear view fucking mirror you know what all she did was give you a great fucking story to tell the love of your life because that that ain't it. All right. Enjoy you 2018. You're a free man.

All right. This girl is killing me, man. All right. Dear Billy Bighead. Oh, shit. You guys are really accurate this week. Back nine, Big Head. I mean, I'm fucking on the ropes here. Somebody throwing the towel. I am a sophomore in high school. But I've been listening to your podcast for a year now. I need some advice. Oh, Jesus Christ. This is

fucking scary. I hope you need some fucking regular advice. All right. I need some advice on how to handle this girl. Hey, Nia, are you out there? Nia? You want to give this kid some advice? Oh, that's right.

You're sick. Okay, sorry. Hang on. Let me hit pause here. Hang on. Hang on. Hang on. All right, I'm back. I'm back. Jesus Christ. She's still sick. She's still sick. I'm sleeping upstairs again tonight. All right. I'm a sophomore in high school, and I need some advice on how to handle this girl.

I dated her for about nine months last year. A lot of heartache this week and learned a lot. The problem is that this girl is really immature, and I cannot have a conversation with her without her arguing. Sorry, I picked this up, without her arguing with me over something not important. Oh, dude, you're a son. Who gives a shit? Fucking move on to the next one. For example, towards the end of my relationship with her, she gives her.

gave me the silent treatment for multiple days because I told her I didn't like Australia. She constantly insulted me, called me dumb, and told me I was a terrible brother. You're dating your sister? Or she just observed your family. What state did this come from? And did crazy things like this throughout our relationship? She's one of those girls who thinks that she always, that she always gets to be right, and I am not about that life, he says.

When she broke up with me, it was this whole scene. Well, dude, it sounds like you dodged a bullet here. What dating is all about is meeting what you don't want. And then you figure that out. And then you finally fucking meet the right person. You're totally, you're fucking young as shit. What's the problem here? I got very close with her family.

And, well, so you're a good guy. And when we broke up, her seven-year-old sister sobbed. Jesus Christ Her mom even went to the extent To call me on the phone To tell me I was a great boyfriend And wish that me and her could possibly work things out in the future Her family adores me to this day

Due to the fact that I really played up the whole nice guy thing Oh what are you really an asshole This is where things get even worse She constantly leads me on And I fall for it Yeah that's what being young's all about and at a town fair we have we have she hung out with me all weekend we were very flirty and she heavily led me on but when i asked her out she said she wasn't ready all right dude this once

again if you listen to the last one this is why you do not stay in contact with ex-girlfriends okay she just doesn't she doesn't want you to meet someone else until she's met somebody I don't know what the fuck they think. I just know you just, you gotta, you gotta, you guess, you gotta walk. You gotta walk, all right? The same thing happened a few months later. I have left her alone for the past few months, only talking to her once every three weeks, and every time she ends up being mad at me for some dumb reason.

An hour ago, she was mad at me for not roasting her and called me pathetic. Roasting her? I'm trying to figure out where the fuck you live. You got a little fair, the town fair, and then you guys also have roasts? I don't know what this is. All right, she apologized all the time for her action, but continues to do the same thing. Should I not even talk to her, or should I forgive her because she's just immature and can't handle her feelings? Any advice would be appreciated, especially you get the lovely Nia to answer as well.

Hope the family's doing great and go drink a beer. That's hilarious. Yeah, I would just have a, a car. conversation. I would just say, listen, I don't enjoy talking to you because you always get mad and you yell at me. We are broken up and I don't think it's healthy for us to continue talking to one another. However, when I see you, I don't want it to be weird. So is there a way that you in a nice way could just fuck off and let me get on with my life? But if I see you, you know, we could just walk by, you know, we could raise eyebrows, you know, and acknowledge that we saw each other. other, maybe we could high five and not saying anything.

You know, and then if she flips out, it gives a fuck. It gives a fuck. I mean, it just doesn't, you know, it doesn't sound like... Here's a question for you. Since you broke up, has it ever ended well? Any interaction, any interaction you've had with her, okay? If the answer is no, then you've got to stop interacting with her, but it seems like it's such a small town.

I'm judging you because you went to a fair. Okay? So in my world, you brought your prize pig down there. I don't what the fuck happen after that. All right. I would say, yeah, I would just, you know, there's, I imagine plenty of other women, you know, what's the proper word of that is? Chicks you can fucking go to school with? There's really no middle world, right?

Girls. You're not girl at that point. You're a fucking teenager. I don't, I'm not going on Wikipedia again. I don't know what the fucking word is, okay? There's plenty of other fucking chicks. you can be hanging out with. All right?

That's it. And here's the thing. Here's a tip for you. When you fucking hang out with them, don't talk about your old relationship. What about some other fucking woman? They don't want to hear it. Just go have a beer with one of your buddies out in the woods.

How do the fuck you do it? Just be like, yeah. No, I don't encourage underage drinking. Whatever the fuck you do you guys do. That's when you vent. What you have to do is every time it starts to scab over. She calls up or you call her

and then you got an open wound again. What you got to do is you got to heal like a fucking X-Man. And then the next time you see her, and I guarantee you if you don't give a fuck, she's going to fucking be all over you and want to hook up. And this is what she have to do.

You got to not do it. And then watch how quickly all that flirty turns into fucking anger. And then she's going to yell at you and then just keep you cool and be like, this is why I don't hang out with you. because you're fucking crazy something like that

and I would also ask some more adults who actually actually know the people involved in this story including yourself okay good luck to you all right sister is obese all right sister is obese dear freckles hoping you can offer some advice

my sister is and has always been on the heavy side oh that sucks but shit has gotten out of hand if I had to guess her body fat is easily 40 to 50%. I love her and I'm struggling to get through to her. You seem like you never hold back or sugarcoat reality. Should I do the same in this situation? I don't want to send the poor girl into a whirlwind of emotions

and maybe that's what she needs. Thanks for the help. Oh, that's a big one, dude. I don't know how old she is. I don't know her. Yeah. How do you get somebody? How do you tell somebody?

How do you tell your sister that she's fat? Let me just improv a couple scenarios here. Hey, sis, how you doing? Did I mention you're overweight? That's too blunt. What has four limbs and needs to lose 80 pounds? It's not good to joke about. I don't know how you do it.

Because I don't know how fragile she is and I wouldn't want her. to go more in that direction because nobody wants to. Is there a way that you can just start cooking a little more healthy around the house and introduce her to some stuff or maybe get her to start working out with you? Maybe just go for a walk or something like that. Maybe you just sit down and you have a great talk with her and find out what's going on with her and you don't bring up her weight. maybe you work on your relationship with her and then she opens up and maybe there's some

sort of pain that's causing her to eat like that. I mean, that's like a psychological thing sometimes from what I've heard on shows that I've seen where people actually know what they're talking about. So maybe you need to get like, I don't know what your relationship is, but maybe if she feels comfortable opening up to you, just ask her what's going on with her, how she doing, how she feeling blah blah blah blah and if she you know there's something going on with her maybe she lets that out and then maybe she brings it up and I hate how I look and then you can be like well let's do something about it you know maybe try I would try that way but I don't think I would bring up that she's

fat I wouldn't do that as much as I made those jokes but this podcast is supposed to be funny and it's supposed to be fucking ridiculous so I had to do a couple all right what do you want for me I'm bald with a big head and I'm on the other side of the fucking golf course It's where I'm at. All right. That's the podcast. People, if you enjoy this podcast, you'd like to donate, but not without spending a fucking dime. Just go to my website, billbird.com, click on the podcast page and just click on the Amazon link.

Go on Amazon and buy something you don't really fucking need. It's not going to cost you any money and I'll get a little bit of credit for driving traffic their way. And they'll be like, ah, Bill, there's a couple of bucks. That's it. All right, everybody. I'm going to go drink my face off because I'm not an alcoholic. I'm going to go do a set. I'm going to go do a set because I'm going to be at Cobb's Comedy Club next day night after I do Kevin Pollock's show.

He's got to be interviewing me or whatever. So it's going to be fun. I love that guy. So I do anything for him, including going up to San Francisco to hang out with him doing a show. All right, that's it, everybody. Belching here. I'll check in on you on Thursday. go fuck yourselves and have a wonderful couple of days.

What's up, everybody, and welcome back to the Anything Better podcast going into Wild Card weekend with your host, me, Paul Verze, Bill Burr. We got Andrew Themless, the Greek freak out in Beverly Hills, and we got Jake the Snake from always an undisclosed location with our injury report for Bill. What is my favorite? I thought about this today in the car. Yes, I like the division series. Yes, I like championship weekend.

And, of course, you like the Super Bowl. But Wild Card Weekend is just so much is on the table. There are so many teams that just squeaked in. A lot of wildcard teams have gotten to AFC and NFC championships. A lot of wildcard teams have gotten to the Super Bowl. I am all in. I am excited. Guys, if you want to bet with us and have fun with us, you obviously know how to do it.

It's the best book out there. That's why we're here. the bet m gm book guys if you want to bet with us all you have to do download the app on your phone and uh use our code very simple b you are r and you put as little as $10 in for your first wager if that wager loses after it is settled and you lose that wager you'll get $1,500 in bonus bets to play with bet responsibly and of course the first touchdown promo um which is such a great bet you pick any player of any NFL game to get the first touchdown of that game. If they get that, you win. If they don't, but in fact get the second touchdown, you get your stake back in cash.

Very simple, bet responsibly. Bill, we have some good ones on the list. We got to talk about the end of the year, Paul. Last week, I was told that I needed to go two and two to beat the book. The reality was I needed to go three and one. What did I do, Paul? I went one and three. I didn't go two and two. Well, you know what? That Tampa kick, that blocked kick hurt you too. It's all good.

Dude, you had an epic season for what we were dealing with. Wait a minute. Andrew Femblis, the Greek freak, beat the book. By one game. And Jake the snake tied. There you go. Hey, by one game, he's still beating him, Paul. Dude, I had. There's no reason to bring that up.

He beat the book. He beat the book. Pete the book. That's what you say. Yeah. You're not going to say by one game. That's like something your wife says. No, but it's also triumphant.

Well, we don't do that here. It's triumphant. It's a he caught it the corner of the end zone at the end. Did you watch any of that college football last night? I did. I did, man. What a great game. How about the fact that the quarterback of Miami's in his seventh year at college?

I was like, I thought I was the only one of did that. My son just told me that. My son goes, yeah, I go, dude, that guy was throwing. I go, that guy was threading the needle. And Lucas just goes, yeah, I know. He's in his seventh year, though. And I was like, what? I'm trying to make excuse.

So, we got to let my dog out. I'm sorry. Come on, Lloyd. What are we doing here? Hey, Andrew, how do you shut off that fucking thing, zooming in and out and looking around your room? It's so weird. I got to figure out how I do that.

All right, let's go back. Anyway, so it's funny because, last night I was at one of the best clubs ever. First time I ever worked there as I opened for you. As a matter of fact, I don't know if you know this. A little trip down memory lane. You, I was at Stand Up New York in New York City. We had only worked together once in 2007 at the Stress Factory.

That's when I was telling you about the 07 Patriots. No, Rascals. No, but yes, Rascals was the first time. But then the first time we actually did something, you were like, hey, come to Vinnie's, and we did that Vinny's room in 2007. And then I'm at Stand Up New York one day, 2008, and you just texted me. It was like the first road gig. And you go, hey, man, you want to open for me next weekend at the DC Imprope? And I got to see how great that room was.

So last night I go into DC, run a one-nighter to run my material, and these fans come up afterwards. And it was kind of bittersweet. they go, oh, dude, I mean, look, you beat the book like three years in a row. And who know, you know, this just happens. And I just go, hey, dude, dude, four. And he goes, oh, four. My bad. And I go, listen.

And then they go, it happens. I go, look, man. I said, I'll buckle, you know, I'll strap it on next year. We'll get them back. But their fans are paying attention and they love it. And then they go, are you guys doing the playoffs? And I go, oh, yeah. I go, picks coming tomorrow.

And they were like, nice. Okay, good. All right. Yeah. I'm glad people haven't lost faith, not in you, maybe in me. But who's going tonight, though? It's Indiana and Oregon, right? Tonight is Indiana, Oregon to go meet the hurricanes in the national championship game?

I'm watching that tonight. I mean, dude, Indiana's never won a title. Yeah. Never won a title. They've always been about basketball out there. Is Oregon ever won a title? Yes. I think the ducks have won one or two, haven't they?

Andrew, can you check that? I think the ducks have won. I know the Hoosiers were not. Like Eisenhower was president? Not the whole time I've been alive. No, you would probably know that. Maybe I'm wrong. If the Ducks won one, they won it in the 40s.

And the Andrews sisters were at the after party. No, they never won. Wow. Net reach national championship game twice. They lost Auburn. 2010 and to Ohio State in 2015. Oh, okay. So, oof.

So, two out of the three teams left have never won it. That's pretty cool. I got to tell you, Miami, the thing, do you watch the game last night, Bill? Yeah, I watched the fourth quarter. The thing that I noticed, I watched the second half after my show, and I noticed that Miami went down the field, though, kind of like any time they wanted, like, they kind of were doing it. what they wanted on offense, getting first downs with slot. Both teams are doing that.

That reminded me of a Bill's Chiefs game. There's just no defense in football anymore. I don't know what it is. The quarterbacks and receivers are, it's insane. Did you see that catch that kid made and he almost, that one-handed catch? And they pedalize him because his toe came down, but then his heel, he has to be just a toe. The fact that he caught that ball. I think it's a catch.

I was like, dude, his toe came down. That's a catch. Well, you can, you can like, drag a toe. but you can't have a, you can't have toe heel and have a, yeah, oh, okay. No, that was a fantastic catch. In the drumming world that's known as a foot flam, the single foot flam, it's, it's as hard as the single-handed roll.

And he did that while catching a football one hand, and some guys go, that's not a catch. That's not a, he just kept, first of all, it is a catch. He caught the fucking ball. It is just out of bounce. Yeah. But can you give it up, can you give it up to that first? Would it, would it kill you, Paul?

Would it kill you to say amazing catch? Paul, I got a new thing. That's something your wife says. That's a good one. That's something my mother would say. I like that. That's a good one. Quarney Tiddell's.

That's a good one. That's something your wife would say. I like that one. But, dude, I'll be honest with you. Let's just be honest. We have a dear friend, Willis Whalen. He said to me, Paul, I'm apologizing again for not coming to your show at D.C. Because I said, Willis, I go, I don't want.

want you at my show. I know how much it means to you. And he said to his wife, he goes, I knew if anybody would understand it would be Verzi. He said, I said that to her in bed. And I go, and he goes, I'm just apologizing one more time. And I go, Willis, I wouldn't want you at my show thinking about the hurricanes. I know how much you love the hurricanes. I watched you jump into a hot tub going, oh. And then he goes, dude. And he gets, yeah, he goes, if they would have lost and I didn't come to your show, it would have been very bad. I said, dude, I'm so happy for you. And he goes, I'm taking my son to the championship. I'm taking my son to it.

So I was happy for him. I was rooting for him. Is it Dallas? No. It might be Texas. It might be Texas. But, dude, if the Hoosiers go, if the Hoosiers win tonight, that's kind of nuts. It's going to be fun.

No, that kid playing quarterback is on another level. I got to tell you, like, I watch the, I don't have to tell you, Paul. but I'm going to. I saw the Heisman Trophy when he won it, just his speech and everything, it's like super smart kid. Like, I don't know. Who knows?

You never know. You never know if they win or lose, but like if he goes on to the NFL and has, you know, any type of a career, like he's going to be like in football broadcasting. You can see the whole thing. This kid is a layup. Any time a guy cries.

and goes, mommy, and then they show the mother. I'm like, this guy's a sweet guy. This guy loves his mother. Because he didn't say my mom and dad. He goes, mommy, you. He said mommy's weird to me. He goes, mommy, you believe his mom. He said mama or mommy, but like maybe, you know.

I can deal with the mama. I can't deal with the mommy past a certain night. That's like George W. Bush when he's called his dad, daddy. It's just like, dude, you got to stop doing that. grown fucking man. Hey, Daddy. Yeah, it's a South thing, too. I'm saying trying to kill my daddy.

I love you, Dad. The crying. Daddy is weird. Daddy passed the age of six. Daddy's weird, yeah. Not even like, my son is going to be six. And he already still, he calls me dad.

Dad. Dad. Yeah, my son, my son has never called me daddy. My daughter calls me daddy. That's the sound of being a father the second you sit down. Dad. It's a great sound, though. It is, but, you know, sometimes you need to sit down.

That's why you just imitate them. You just go, what? That reminded me a Will Farrell and elf, remember? he goes you need to tuck me in he goes dad and James Kahn goes what and he goes you gotta tuck me in James Kahn goes what? Rest his soul he goes well he goes you gotta tuck me in

and he just like goes like that and it was all awkward such a great movie All right Bill Yeah yeah yeah then he did the like dad he comes in So next week Santa's coming he just goes Santa's coming he just goes Santa! Like how much he's freaking out Rest his soul, but James Kahn thought it was going to be such a bomb

And you can see it in the movie Yeah, he hated it like and then he walked out of the premiere and goes Oh, I get it he's like the guy's a genius But he thought it was horrible I mean in James Kahn defense You're coming out of the godfather and in all of these types of movies And now you're sitting there with a grown man dressed like an elf Acting like he's eight years old

I would just be like What did my agency? I mean I told him Totally, I get that. All right. Let's get into the, let's get into the fucking NFL here. Let's get into the games. Paul, let's get into the playoffs. Look who it is.

Look who it is. Jake, the snake. Yeah. Well, it's all positive news for injuries this week, really. I got a lot of people coming back. So everybody's going to play, right? You got to. It's the playoffs.

You know, it could be your last game. So, you know, these guys are really tough. They play it through almost anything. So when it's a game like this. So the Rams are going to get back Devante Adams. Jordan loves coming back for the Packers from a concussion. And then D.K. Mekap is, he was suspended for punching a fan, but he's coming back to. Those are kind of the big ones.

That's so ridiculous. Yeah. He should have punched that fan. No. If a player punches you, that means you did something. Yeah. Yeah. He said something, that fan, for sure.

He had some, like, weird press conference, so you could tell he was guilty of something. I don't know what was said. Who had a press conference? The fan? Yeah, the fan. It's a weird situation. He's trying to his own camera guy. What are you doing?

Did he build his own little volume? What's that? I've heard a self-produced documentary. I thought that was the worst thing I ever heard in my life. It's like, hey, let's make a movie about how awesome I am. This guy out of nowhere, he had a self-produced press conference. Literally, yeah. That's exactly right.

That's kind of funny, though. He just hired a camera crew. That's great. You could just tell he was full of shit, too, just about the way he looked. But he was serious. You know, he's full of shit. Yeah. You got D.K. Metcalf is a good person.

100%. If D.K. Metcalf says, I don't care how much money I'm making in that moment and walks over and tries to punch you in the head. And you don't know. He could have said something about his wife and kids. He could have said his mother. Yes, dude. Racist.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, dude. You don't do that. And if you got a hold of a dumb wig, something's going to happen. And let's be honest, he didn't straight up cock back and did it. He kind of did one of those, like, grab the wig and try to hit him.

You know what? Take the fine. Let the fan learn. All right. Well, so, Jake. How much was the fine? I don't remember the fine amount, but he was suspended the last couple games of the year. No, but missing the last two games cost him a lot of money.

It was, it was significant. It was six-fif. There goes to comedy benefit I was going to do. Let's do a comedy benefit. We'll have a press conference, Paul. He was going to lose his guarantees of like $40 million, but the Steelers decided to not avoid it. So he ended up getting the money. but yes very very good move by the Steelers

of course of course all right well let's we we have an unbelievable wild card lineup I think I love these games I actually be honest with you I wish these games are on our regular season because I think I I see I think I see a path in this one so Bill do you want to go if you if you were able to complete

that sentence the first time I think I'm doing it But instead you go I think I see I think I see I'm like this guy doesn't know What the fuck he's talking about Yes this guy's down by 14 games

It's over I think this guy's on something Sorry I'm trying to lock my phone So I can have the picks open When I do you guys Go game by game Just go from Saturday and Monday Bill do you want to do

That's a great idea How do you guys want to do On this screen here This man right here At the best record Why be down there like Bobby Brady? He should be up top. Bill, do you want to go down?

Do you want to go down all the list and you just do your picks and then I do mine? Or do you want to do them together? Are we going against each other? We're just saying what you think. No, no, no. We're not going against each other. We're just picking. All right, Paul.

I don't like going against you, Paul. You know what? You see the board? I'm seeing it. Yeah, just make picks together. Just go through each game and then, you know, you don't have any insight. Rams, Pam. It's 10.5. This is almost like a buy week is what they're telling me. If I know anything about the Panthers, they cover. They're going to cover a 10.5 point spread for some stupid reason. I think the Rams are going to win it. They're probably going to get up. And then they'll fucking, you know, dial it back to save guys. And then the Panthers will score some garbage bullshit in the end. It is in Charlotte. So, I mean, I think that counts for something.

The Panthers earlier in the year, too. Yeah, I think I found, yeah, I was listening. The Panthers beat him early in the year, but Stafford had like one of his worst games, three, three turnovers. That's why it's high. I kind of actually echo everything Bill said. I think the Rams obviously win this game, but 10 and a half points, I can see a backdoor cover by the Panthers. So I'll take the Panthers with the points with the Rams winning the game, I think, by like a touchdown or even 10. But I like the 10 and a half for the Panthers.

So I'll take the Panthers too. Over under's 46, Paul. What say you? Oof, I don't like that. I never liked that. I never liked the underover, especially, I don't know, dude. What's it called? The Rams are out for blood against the Panthers.

Oh, people are talking shit. That Puka kid is playing. He's unbelievable. Stafford is an MVP-type year. Him or Drake May is going to win the MVP. Yeah, the Rams are going to win a game. This is why you take the Panthers because everybody's saying that. So you guys are picking separately.

Maybe. You might differ? or we're just doing one. No, no. I'm saying, we'll either be the same or different. I'm saying I would take the Panthers. We're both taking the Panthers with the points. All right.

I'll start this one off here. Here's a deal. Bears Packers. I think the Bears, the Bears have been the one, if I did anything good this year with picks, it was the Bears winning for me. I think the bears are at home. It's one and a half,

so it's kind of like a pick-em. A lot of people are saying the Packers are going to go there and beat them. I think Caleb Williams, is going to show on the big stage that the bears are kind of back. And I just think they're good at home and they're in every game. The thing about the Bears is they're in every game and they had an amazing fourth quarter comebacks. I like the Bears getting one and a half at home.

Crazy crowd. That place has not had a playoff game in a long time. I think it'll be close and I think the Bears are going to pull it out in the end with a field goal. All right. Here's my question for you, Paul. When you say the Bears are back, back from when? Like the late 80s, early 90s? Mid-80s.

Actually, no, Rex. 84, 85, and then you got to go back to Dick Butkus and Gail Sayers. No, Rex Grossman took him to his Super Bowl against Peyton Manning and lost. That's right. You're right. There you go. I believe in the Bears. I actually think, you know, this is the classic one where the Packers come back with

Jordan Love, Michael Parsons and all. Is he out for the year? Mike and Parsons out for the year. The Packers have too many injuries. They've gone one and one. If the Bears won both of those games, you know, I don't see them going three and all against the Packers, but they are at home.

It's only a one and a half point spread. And, you know, to actually see the Bears have a passing game is borderline bizarre. They've been such a one-trick pony over the years. I think they got the players, the personnel, home field advantage. I like them one and a half. And you guys remember when they played each other the last time, Caleb Williams and the Bears came down and had an opportunity to win and he just under threw it and threw a pick in the end zone,

which gave the Packers the win. I don't see him doing that again either. Look at this. Bill, we're on the same page, two in a row. I like it. All right. Well, I'm going to tell you, this is the most, this, if this was a book, it would be written in Chinese.

Because I, the Bill's Jaguars, like, what is going on here? I think this is a tough. Jags are favored by one at home. bills are the bills have just been shooting themselves in the foot the whole year I just lost Paul where to Paul we go I think

they've been shooting themselves in the foot all year Jaguards have been playing great but like this a part of me that's nervous that the bills are just going to turn it on in the playoffs this is obviously it's like a pick-em

I'm going to go with the bills I'm going to take the bills getting a point. I think somehow they're going to win this game, and they're going to be like, wait a minute, did we count them out too soon? And then they're going to lose the next week. Look, I'm listening to, I was listening to all these ex-players

and all these analysts and everybody's saying, the Jaguars are the most complete team in the NFL, nine in a row. They think that they're going to go to the Super Bowl, and this is their year. I'm with Bill. I'm with Bill. I think Josh Allen is too good of, I think that they're talking about their coach losing and getting fired.

I don't think that's going to happen. And I think Josh Allen is the best quarterback in the game. And I see him making some miraculous shit happen. I'm going to take the bills in a pickum because here's the difference to Jacksonville, Jaguar. You know we're both O and three at this point. No. Yeah, he said the Rams are going to win by 30. No, I think, I think that.

Trevor Lawrence has not been in that you know listen dude the chiefs are out everybody thought the chiefs were going to be in Josh Allen's way and now it's Trevor Lawrence and the Jags who have not been in this situation where Josh Allen has that's why I'm agreeing with you

all right here's my question you know how do the refs make their money this year the chiefs are out that was so fucking petty all right let's go to the next one Eagles 49ers Eagles at home Lay and six.

Nick Soriani against Marty Schottenheimer Jr. No, it's what's it called? Shannon. Shannon. Mike Shanahan. Mike Shannon.

Sorry. Mike Shannon. That means it would be up by 30 at the half and then just fucking run the ball. Here's a deal. Eagles are at home, but everybody's saying that, like, there's still a locker room thing.

They keep saying that they're, the coach, if they lose, the coach is going to be gone. Dude, the 49ers to me, and this is just me, the 49ers to me have been like good all year. Injuries didn't matter. They're getting six. They got a good coach. I think they got a better coach.

Injuries mattered last week. They couldn't cover against the Panthers. I think they lost the game, right? No, that's Seattle. Seattle, yeah. But Seattle's the one seat. I'm taking the pool. I'm taking, I'm taking.

I'm taking the 49ers getting six. I see this coming down to the end, but I love the six points with San Fran. I'm going to take a San Fran team getting points on the road with everybody saying they're going to lose. I like them. That's my pick. I hate this number because I want to pick the Eagles.

Because I feel they're at home. They're going to win this game. Are they going to win by six, though, Paul? Paul, are they going to win by six? Is that what's going to? Am I really just sitting here thinking they're going to win by six? Ah, I can't do it. I just want to say Eagles so bad.

I just can't do it. You know, just to switch it up, I'm going to do it. I'm going to take the Eagles. I'm going to take it staring on eating the nod at the camera. That's one of the funniest things you've ever done in a pick since we've been doing the show. You just looked at the camera and you go, I can't do it. I love the 49ers. I like the Eagles, too, but I just, I'm just hearing rumblins that, you know,

the team doesn't like a certain star player, which is... How does that happen? You won the Super Bowl last year? What's not to like? Yeah, I don't get that. Because they're fickle, man. The Eagles are one of these teams that, like, they look great, and then all of a sudden they look terrible.

They're up and down. The 49ers getting those points. They see more steady. but dude how great are these games, dude? Well, is anybody coming back for the 49ers? Not really. I mean, at some point, do. All of those injuries.

Anyway, whatever. All right, let's head into the next one. What have we got here, Paul? Now we have the Los Angeles Chargers going into the Patriot, and going into New England against the Patriots. Patriots are three and a half point favorites. Do you want me to pick first or you want to pick this? Hey, going into Gillette, the house that Robert Kraft built and paid for, unlike all these other asshole owners.

And this is Sunday football. This is, yeah, three and a half. When is this game, Sunday night? Sunday night game. Yeah, it's going to be a great game. It's a big, oh, woo! It's going to be fun. You don't think.

Pat's baby. All day. I think this is going to be a super close game. I like our chances in the playoffs after this game. We need to win a playoff game. So this is, this is, you know, listen, dude, I'm a, I, I, this time last year, we were not in the playoffs and we had nothing going on. And I can't believe we're here. So I'm psyched.

I hate the half a point, but there's no way during the playoffs. I'm going to, I'm going to pick against the page. I'm going to page it's three and a half, Edel, Mike Grable, against obviously, another great coach, Jim Arbaugh, but, you know, Chargers are not an easy team, but fuck it. I'm taking the Patriots. I've been thinking about this game.

You guys know that I always love the Chargers for some reason because I love Justin Herbert. Jake, I know you like the Chargers. Here's the deal. I don't believe in this whole thing that everybody's saying, oh, this is where the people, Pat stop. They haven't played anybody. That's horseshit. Okay. They have played somebody. They played a fucking NFL season and they've been winning. They're at home. That place is going to be an

absolute zoo because all they know there is winning. It's a winning franchise. And that people are Boston are animals. You can say it. No, no, no. Paul, you're doing such a great job. Do you want to be a Patriot Spain? You're doing a great job. Here's the deal. Love it. Keep going, Paul. Listen, I know it. I know it when I see it. Okay. I know it when I see it. And here's the deal. The Patriots are champion. They have a champion DNA.

And Mike Rable brought that back. The half a point I hate because I can see a fucking charger thing going down, getting something late. But I'm going to take the Patriots at home. I think they're going to win the game by six or more. I think they're the better team. And here's the other thing. He has a broken hand, Herbert. it's the other hand and I know that right it's the other hand right Jake yes I know it hasn't been

effect but that's just Drake May is is so good this year MVP candidate I'm taking new England at home that place is going to be a fucking zoo 32 degrees by the way it'll be a brisk 32 degrees of by a little later in the night chance of precipitation so there you go the charges they play in that that that mall they play in an apple store Jake what say you here the Chargers stadium that's a real football stadium out there Jake the snake he can tell because it has a lighthouse and a mall and a mall attached to it

all right last one Texan Steelers we're doing hold on hold on we hold on Andrew just asked Jake what he thinks because he's such a Chargers fan yeah what I mean yeah what do you think Jake listen Jake Jake Jake I know what you're I know what you're I know what your heart is, Jake, but what do you really? What's the, what's the Jake the Snake football analysts think? Well, I'll start by saying this, like, where the Patriots have the advantage is the trenches. So that's where I weren't, because the Chargers offensive line is last in the league, right, pretty much every metric.

So that's going to be the key. Can they keep Herbert, can they give Herbert enough time to throw the ball? So, but I think the Patriots defense is not super scary to me. So I think the Charter's, are a little bit more better in team. So the more I thought about, the more actually like the Chargers in the spot, even though the Patriots having great all year. And Paul is 100% correct. The whole narrative that they haven't played anybody

isn't really true. The Patriots have been very good all year. And this is going to be a really great game between two of the best quarterbacks in the league. And I think the winner of this game is going to go probably to the AFC championship game because I think these are two very good well-coached team. So I like the Chargers to win out, Ryan.

All right. I like that. Jake to Snake. What's in Jake to Snake's Hart? He's a confirmed bachelor. Why is he going to give this stuff? He's got a revolving door. It's Caesars, Paul.

And I think all the talk of Herbert not winning a playoff game and see her year six is, they're going to be fired up. One of these years, we got to go to Vegas with cigars and do the podcast. Oh, yes. How fun. Dude, from a sports book. Oh, my God. Jake, set it up.

That's your stomping grunts. all right you guys want to do a Monday night special for Houston Steelers because it is the Monday Night game so I just wanted to say that before you get into it. Oh, I didn't know that.

Yeah, so this game to me is the hardest. This game to me is what this is going to this one is the one that I was like because here's the deal, dude. If Aaron, uh, dude, it's the best defense in football. That's the problem. And you know what? You know, Bill, we always say

defense wins championships, dude, the defensive line of the Texans, I don't know if I've seen a defensive line get seven sacks week in and week out the way that they do, but the Steelers have a good defense too. And Aaron Rogers, they seem so excited and the Steelers are home. This one, dude, you know what, Bill? I'm going to actually have to think for a second. I'm going to give you the floor because I'm stumped right now. I hate minus three. I like the Texans. I hate minus three. You know what's funny about this game real quick? If you look at all the totals for the over-unders,

this over-under is basically 10 points lower than every other over-under listed for the weekend. Yeah. That's interesting. Anyway. Oh, I didn't even see. Bill's Jaguars over-under is 51.5. You know what they're basically saying with that number?

Neither one of those teams is going to win the Super Bowl. You're letting up that many frigging points. Yeah. We're also going to get some snow in Pittsburgh. Really? I usually look up the weather. Yeah, 39 degrees and just a giant snow. I don't think it's possible to snow at 39 degrees, dude.

I'm going to take the Steelers. That's the high. That's the high during the day. You're right. Yeah, 31 degrees after 4 p.m. Snow after 7 p.m. I'm going to take the Steelers based on some dumb Hollywood shit. Here's what I think is going to happen.

Okay. I think Mike Tomlin, they're saying Mike Tomlin could be done. They're saying Aaron Rogers could be done. So this literally can be the last two, the last game of Aaron Rogers and the last time Mike Tomlin after almost 20 years coaching. I think they go in a room. I swear to God, I think they go in a room. I think they put each other's hands on each other's shoulders. They look in each other's eyes and they go, you know what?

Dad? No. One more. Let's go out there and let's go fucking go. Let's win a playoff game together and see how far we can go together. and Aaron Rogers plays like Aaron Rogers late in the game. And I think C.J. Stroud is not Aaron Rogers. I think Mike Tomlin is probably a better coach.

I like the Texans coach. I'm going to take the Pittsburgh Steelers at home getting three. I got to take the Steelers at home getting three to survive the Texans. Even though the Texans defense, I know it's what I usually go against. I'm taking that. All right. I'm going to go with the Texans to go in there and break everybody's heart. They're all going to be crying at Paramis or Pristramis, whatever the hell it's called out there.

Permanes, yeah. Paranis, yeah. It's just a bunch of Pittsburgh crying. This French fries and the bread. Yeah. I think I just, I think the Texans are quietly one of the, They are. You've really got to be afraid of.

And I just think they're playing down in Houston. Houston doesn't get a lot of love. You know what I mean? And even when they do win a championship, what do they say? Oh, you're used to trash camp. You know? The only time they've ever gone back to back is most obese city. You know, I got a soft spot in my heart.

Yeah, they rival San Antonio for fat. I used to do that bit when I would go down there. I go, do you know how hard it is to repeat is the most obese city? Because you lose all your players from year to year. Everybody's dropping from Harvard. That's great. I go, you guys sucked it up. That's great.

You know, when they take somebody out in a piano case, casket, there's somebody there to eat those 72 pancakes and pick up the slack. No city has ever gone back to back as far. As I know, other than Houston. Look up. How much do you hate fat people that you go around being that petty? Just sitting there in a city going, look at that guy. Look at the size of them.

How do you do that ranking? You got to check San Antonio. I think they went back to that. San Antonio might have three-peated. Jim, how do you tell how fat a city is? You know what you know? You haven't advertised it free barbecue and you just wait to see how many people show up. That's actually a good point.

How do you know that? Like medical shit. Oh, yeah. Something. Yeah, like, well, Bill. Oh, that's two inside baseball, medical shit. Did I talk over you there? No, no.

That's one of the dumbest things I ever said. How do they figure out medical shit? McAllen, Texas, took, what is it? It says McAllen, Texas right now is ranked for fattest city of the United States. That says for 2026. I mean, we're still in the first inning here. No, it's early. The big boys usually die by April.

Let me find out who's real. They got to start early. Yeah, can we find out who's real? It's the holiday wait. They want to get them at, listen, that's the most they're ever going to weigh. Houston's a late game comeback team. Do you count somebody in a food coma? Like, you have to still be eating.

You still have to be able to. It's like, no, if you're still being staying alive by a machine, like that doesn't count. That's BEDs. You get suspended for that. Well, all right. Yeah, McGowan, Texas won for 2025. Bill, so Bill and I have the same teams except for two, which is he has the Eagles, I have the Niners. He has the Texans.

I have the Steelers. We both have the Panthers. We both have the Bears. We both have the Bills. And we both have the Patriots. Dude, I have not been excited for a football weekend. What the fuck are the Packers' favorite? I don't, yeah.

They're one and a half, though. It's like a pick-em. Yeah, but they're going into the Bears and they got it. Micah's not playing. Michael Parsons is not playing. They got it. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Wait a goddamn minute.

Oh, yeah, I already made my decision. That's all right. I didn't see that. I wasn't thinking about that. Oh, boy. Don't worry about that. One and a half. Oh, Paul.

I'm already looking at all of this shit that I just picked. I got the Eagles minus. six, like the tensions minus three on the fucking road. What was I thinking, Paul? It's their head-to-head. It looks like- Oh, Andrew, I thought she loved me, you know. All right. So since it's players, we probably shouldn't do the Monday night special, right?

Since we're head-to-head? How about we don't do the Monday-night special because we haven't hit one since the second week of the season? When we went two for two, we thought we were going to go, thought we were going to go run the table. It was all a dream. Or at least one more. I know, one more. Well, too.

Back in the end, you know, like those guys who win the World Series their rookie year and then they, they win one right in the end. I saw that thing. The record. Go on the longest, but tweets. World Series title. I saw that thing. If you bet the first week for the Jets to not get an interception week one, like 20 bucks, and then just parlayed it each week that they would not get an interception,

they did. And I, like, start with 20. It ended up with like $5 million. Dude, do you know the last time that happened? On a $20 bet? Yeah, it was like on $20 or $100 if you parlayed every week's 20. Wait, did they not get one intercepts? No, dude, it's the first time it's happened in like 100 years.

The Jets did not get one interception. I think it's the first time in crap. When they started keeping track. Tracking. Yeah. And it's 17 games. They used to play 12 back in the day. And even just like 12 games, some of them will get one.

And they played two or twice who leaves the league in interceptions. It's pretty crazy. Dude, to not get a deflection, to not get one deflection that even lands in a fat guy's and he doesn't know what to do with it. Like, not one is crazy. Just a midfield guy checked him down too long. I mean, it's like... Dude, did you see that kid?

Did you see that kid that was probably about 11, 12, maybe 13 tops, get interviewed at a Jets game? And he goes, what do you think of the Jets? And a kid had a Jets jersey on. He's like 12, 13 years old. You saw that, right, Jake? And he goes, I swear to God it was the most sensitive. He just goes, I hate this team.

I was born into it. So, I mean, I'll always be a Jet fan, but I, yeah, I just hate this team and walked off, dude. It was brutal. Oh, you, yeah, you age and dog years. He looked like a 60-year-old man. I would think that not getting one interception in a 17-game season is mathematically impossible. It seems insane. Like.

That takes something, Paul. That is so, I feel bad talking. have the jet fans that meant through enough let's just say they stop they have been inter they have i was thinking about you oh right here yeah yeah yeah watch this put this on i don't know if i don't know if we'll have audio i hate this team i was born in this and i'm not gonna ever i'm always a jets fan but like i just i hate this team because he wanted to say something meaningful but he just couldn't oh that was the 12-year-old old version of I'm staying in it for the kids.

Oh, that's perfect, dude. That poor kid. But you know what? I've got to give him credit. You know what he said? He said, I'll always love the Jets and they're my team. I was born into this. You give him credit. That kid's going to be a bubbling idiot when they win. Blubbering, not bubbling. I said, what did I say? What did I say? Bumbling. I said, yeah.

I said bubbling. I'm bubbling. I'm blubbering. Paul, you know, you're not good with expressions. What was the other one I said? Big Leaging? Listen, if you want to order off the menu, get some apps, you go to Paul. You want to say, do you?

If you're looking for expressions. It's not what he does. I go, he tried to big time him. And you go, no, it's big league or something like that. I forgot what I said. No, because big time. I think big time is all right. You can't flip both of those.

No, you just, I forget, I can't, because the way you do it. I've been doing it since you're knowing me, right? Yeah. I mean, you're not going to ride a dead horse. You do shit like that. You know, the other one that's like, I'm going to get a big truck electric, which is funny. Oh, yeah, big truck electric. Yeah, that was funny.

Dude, people still want that T-shirt. Don't sleep on that was a good one. That was hilarious. Dude, is there a reason why they didn't make the batteries on electric cars recyclable? Is the reason why they didn't do that? Do you realize how bad these cars are nowadays? All of them. Yeah.

Like no one in the future is going to be like, what's your dream car? Oh, dude, a fucking 2025 Ionic 5. People used to make jokes about living near power lines because it's objectively bad. And if you saw the story about the San Francisco 49ers having the most injuries of any teams, by a very high, incrementally high, you know, percentage. And they said, yeah, it's like, they all joke by it. It's like, it's like right next to this powerplane.

The guy went out there within an NMF reader. And it was just like, meh. Like, the thing was just buzz. What is that reading? Like, radiation? Yeah, it's just like, like, we're all just surrounded by electromagnetic waves. Like your iPhone, like earbuds are the worst thing you can stick in your ears. Oh, dude.

that just I use wires, but all that stuff's like terrible, keeping your phone next to your head. And we used to joke about living there power lines, but they're saying now if you're just driving an electric car, like all these kids that haven't even developed, they're just getting zapped. But you do your own research. What?

Yeah, you're just sitting on a battery. Yeah. Oh my God. I'm getting rid of my wife's car. Yeah, I'll send you some articles, scare the shit out of it right away. Yeah, dude, that earbud shit is like, When I saw the stats and I told my kids.

How long do you have to be in the car? So they say it's like the earbuds. Like even if you have the wire. Yeah. So it's like it's slow. Continue with earbuds. No. So like let's say I have these on with the wire.

But then if my computer iPad was like actually also plugged into the wall, you're literally just like plugged into the wall. This is like really not even close to as bad. But even they said this is not great. Right. if you were doing this all day. But the AirPods, it's like, it's a very low, it's like a low signal, but it's constant.

So like, listen, if you're in, you got one in for like five minutes a day or something, like yeah, you're probably going to be fine, but there's people who just have them in all day long. And they're really bad. Like kids with like the big Bose headphones, like, yeah, like kids never had Bose headphones, wireless headphones.

We used to just, you know. I've been using those for years. Yeah. They're bad? How often a day, you know? I mean, listen, I don't know that, you guys... I get on an elliptical for a half hour. I don't know.

I don't know the exact time, like you say, I don't know. I wouldn't be able to speak on that, though. Well, you spoke on the other shit, well, what I read, what I read, you know, what I see every day, my algorithm feeds me. Slowly rocking, slowly rocking. Yeah, let's keep the end. Listen, going down to Venezuela.

Oh, my God, they're pumping drugs in there. What is fucking these other assholes doing? Yeah. Well, you know what? We got to keep it. It's Wildcard weekend. We can't talk about cancer. It's Wildcar weekend.

Let's go, Paul. I was thinking about you. Do you think the giant should get John Harbaugh? I think that's the guy right there. Yeah, but now that the dolphins, now that the dolphins fired their coach, you know, these guys probably after being in Baltimore for so many years, the idea of being in Florida is probably appealing to him. And you got to understand, dude, the wife is going to have.

something to say. The wife's going to be like, oh, I could be in South Beach, I could be this and that. Come on, John. We've been in Baltimore for years, John. What's that? That's something your wife would say. Oh, I can't, I can't hear. You can't hear me? Oh, there you go. What'd you say? I said that's something your wife would say. You want to live in New York City? I don't know, but Florida gets a ton of shit, though, now. Florida gets a ton of shit, though, now. Florida gets a ton of shit. I don't know. I think the Giants are going to make a big play for him. We'll see what happens.

All right, cool. All right. I got to wrap this up. I got a, oh, Jesus Christ. These spam fucking calls. Did Jake just take off? All right, I'll sign. We're having some technical difficulties here.

You want me to sign off, Andrew? Yes. Yeah, Jake, I think he just got cut off. It's not us. Okay. Well, those are our picks. Those are our picks, everybody. Enjoy Wild Card Weekend. Bill and I have all the same except he has Eagles. I have 49ers. He has Texans. I have Steelers.

Enjoy Wildcar weekend. My favorite weekend. We will be back next weekend for the divisional series. And enjoy, what's it called? Enjoy Oregon, Indiana Hoosiers tonight to go to the National Championship. That'll be great. You download the app. You guys know the deal. Enjoy bet responsibly. And we will see you next week.