Monday Morning Podcast - Speed Bags, Tabloids, Lonely Bill | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-25

Episode Date: February 20, 2025

Bill rambles about speed bags, tabloids, and lonely Bill. (00:00) - Thursday Afternoon Podcast (29:27) - Thursday Afternoon Throwback 2-20-17 - Bill rambles about old babies, heroes, and first degree cuntiness. Thursday Afternoon Interlude:  Silverchair - Abuse Me

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrd. It's time for Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcast and I'm just checking in on you. Checking in on you. Seeing how your week's going. Are you staying away from the news, man? Ah, starting that shit. I had a fucking great night last night. Oh, well good for you, Bill. Glad you had a great fucking night. Why don't you rub it in everybody's faces? I went out and I did a couple of spots. Really liked the New York Comedy Club in the Lower East Side, man. Great room, you know? So I went down there and...

I don you know. So I went down there and I don't know, I tried out, I had this new joke I was trying out that I had such hope for, you know, which is always, you know, setting yourself up for disaster when you go on stage, I go, boy, oh, boy. Whoa, wait, did I get a load of this one? It turned out the reference I was talking about, people didn't, it hasn't become mainstream yet. So I had to kind of explain what it was and then get into the other thing, which slowed it down on the first show. But then I went over to the cellar and I found,

on the first show. But then I went over to the cellar and I found a, I figured out a funny way to explain it. And I can't remember if I did it before or after. I just, I can't remember if I plowed through the joke and then explained it after. I think that's what I did. I don't know. And then I was able to tie something in with that and then tie something else together on something else. And it was, yeah, it was fantastic. Because I have been doing a lot of stand-up and you get rusty quick But I have been going to my big gay gym And Which has been fucking great. I've been going to that every single day just about I take one day off a week and Holy shit, I mean All freckles he let himself go.

Like I am like dropping weight and all of that. And I still sit down on the couch and I can grab two fucking cheeseburgers in the front, like doubles too, you know what I mean? Like those Wendy's ones where they just keep stacking them up. So, you know, it's funny, I was telling somebody, fuck man, I gotta drop this way to it. They think, you look great.

I'm like, I have a winter coat on. Everybody looks great with a winter coat. I'm still going with the guys wearing shorts. I saw a guy wearing like, like short shorts. Like the ones guys used to wear when they ran marathons in the 1980s. Remember those like, those fucking like nylon, and then it's cut up like the side a little bit like, you know, oh, behave, right. But what's funny

is I see this guy, he's got those short shorts on. Then he has like one of those fucking you ever see those homeless people winter coats, like the I sleep outside side fucking coats, he's got one of those on in a big fucking hat. So like it's if you run hot, why don't you just wear a windbreaker? Why does everybody have to look at your stupid man legs as you walk up the goddamn street? It doesn't make any fucking sense. Then I'm thinking like, well, your face is always exposed and your face gets used to it. So maybe their legs do.

I don't know. I don't know what it is. I still think a lot of it is like an attention thing. Or they went on Instagram. You know that that long haired guy who can like jump into the Arctic Ocean and swim around and scientists are baffled because he does like this this alkaline breathing or whatever the fuck it is and he doesn't freeze to death and they're sort of baffled by that and he's like now yeah I'm alkaline breathing like alkaline to me was something that was used when you were talking about a battery. And I don't mean a salt and.

I just mean a battery. And that you would put into something that needed to be battery operated. See what I just did there? I explained the reference. That's what I have to do in that fucking joke. Did you feel all the momentum, the momotum, go out of this fucking podcast?

Did you feel all the momentum, the momotum go out of this fucking podcast? Anyway, so very excited. I have a little bit of a break from rehearsal starting tomorrow. So I'm going to give me a ticket on an aeroplane. Going to play the Wheel of Fortune game. I'm going to go home and see my family and I cannot fucking wait. Um, I'm hoping they are as excited to see me as I am as excited to see them. That would be a real fucking, uh, gut punch. If my kids are just like, oh hey man. No, hey, good to see you two pops, you know. But, but I thought everyone cared. You know, that would be brutal.

So anyway, I, I'm lifting four times a week and then the other times I'm just doing, walking on a treadmill and doing a little bit of the speed back there. Oh Billy, speed back. I haven't hit one of those things in a long time. I was really like, ga-da-da, ga-da-da, ga-da-da, ga-da-da, ga-da-da, ga-da-da, ga-da-da, Get it get it get it get it get it get it get it. I'm doing it. I'm doing it Get it get it a whiff The whiff is the worst get it a get it a whiff you fucking feel that jolt of pain in your shoulder Anyway, so that's that's that's basically what I got going on. I. I've been watching some more 70s car movies.

I watched The Driver with Ryan O'Neill and Bruce Stern. Really fun movie. It's just fucking car chases and people fucking being bad asses. Bruce Stern plays the cop trying to catch Ryan O'Neil. You know, there's a lot of stiff performances. Bruce Dern's always great, but a lot of like, I think they were trying to do some minimalist thing

where they pull it off with Escape from New York. I don't know about this one. But like when I was growing up, the two guys that I thought were the luckiest guys in the world were Lee Majors and Ryan O'Neill simply because both of them were you know Lee Majors was dating Farrah Fossett first and there is a picture look up if you want to see the most 70s photo do you want to know what what like if you were on top in

the 70s looked like, like how great life could be? Look up Lee Majors Farrah Fawcett jogging. It's one of the most amazing photos you're ever going to see. It was like the world was like that. Even for a weekend. It was amazing. They're both fucking tanned up, not worried about skin cancer, not even remotely, right? Lee May just got on the fucking Larry Bird short shorts and then he's got he has on a matching zip up with no shirt underneath it and he's doing the macho man thing where he's showing up his tan hairy chest and then if you watch the driver

with Ryan O'Neal the whole movie the whole movie he is walking around with his shirt you you know, buttoned down to his man cleavage. It was called being a macho man. They even wrote a song about it. Macho, macho man. I wanna be a macho man. Yes, the times were very deep musically. No, that was pop music. There was still a lot of shit going on.

Weather report with Jacob Astoria. Anyway, so what do you follow up watching The Driver with? Well, that's easy. I mean, it's a no brainer. I'm watching Corvette Summer with Mark Hamill Corvette summer with Mark Hamill where he he cuss he finds this Corvette in a junkyard and this car is beyond fucked up it's an orange Corvette stingray the body's made out of fiberglass and it looks like somebody dropped it off a building and somehow they take the car back to their high school shop class and

through donations from the locals he turns it into like you know like today would be a hundred and twenty thousand dollar car but back then was probably like forty five hundred bucks or whatever right and they customize the thing. The car gets stolen. He gets word that it's in Las Vegas. So he's going to go out to Vegas to get his car back. And he meets, and I swear to God, on the road trip out there, he's hitchhiking out there, he meets an aspiring prostitute. One of the best lines in any movie ever.

She's like, don't you get it? I'm a hooker. This is what I'm doing with all of this downtime. The astounding loneliness that I'm experiencing when I'm not working on the play or going out doing stand-up spots. Am I doing stand-up because I love stand-up or am I doing it because I'm fucking lonely? Probably a little bit of both but in the meantime I've been I've been watching these great car movies from the 70s. It's just

They're just fancy just seeing cars that just went away Like the Pontiac Catalina I remember as a kid I didn't like the car because I thought the rear end of the car made the car look like it was sad. They had this they did this thing with the brakes where it was like horizontal and then it wrapped down on the side of the car and it always looked like you know like instead of a smiley face it looked like a frown to me. And I remember telling my mother that when I was a kid. I said, I don't like those cars. She said, why not? I said, because they look sad.

And she was like, Oh, because it looks like a mouth. And then I was all excited, like, Oh, I said a thing and an adult acknowledged it. This is amazing. You know, that didn't happen a lot in the 70s. And is amazing. You know, that didn't happen a lot in the 70s. And if you want to know why it didn't, go back to that Lee Majors Farrah Fosset jogging down the fucking street. That was, that was it. That was all of Instagram. You know, all those fucking videos and shit, clips and everything that you watch on Instagram, what have you got, a post? All of those things where you watch it and so visually stimulating, you like it,

but like, you know, somewhere in your chest you start getting this sad, depressed feeling that you're not doing enough or you're not, you don't have abs or whatever the fuck it is that making you feel feel like right? Yeah we didn't have social media back then we had we had People magazine and shit like that and like these fucking photos once a week they would come out and all the housewives would be buying up you know everything from People magazine to the Star and the Inquirer. And they were just, those are like tabloid ones

for like, you know, really dumb housewives. And then sort of the elevated housewife would read People Magazine. And then the cold, heartless mother would get Time magazine. Those are all generalizations, I'm just saying. I remember a long time ago I had an acting gig, you know, and I was working with somebody that was super famous, and this person was reading The National Enquirer.

It was a long time ago, like 20 fucking years ago. It was before social media. And I was like, I can't believe, I can't believe you're reading that, because like all the celebrities hated that thing because they would say all this horrible shit about him. She goes, yeah, I know, but like, you know, as much as they stay lie all the time, she goes, they get a lot of stuff right.

She goes, not the stuff about like aliens and all of that stuff, but like people's relationships. They get that stuff right. I always found it funny how women follow like other people's relationships, you know? Like the way men follow sports. And then they like choose sides. I'm on side so and so. I'm on side fucking whatever. It's just like, why do you give a shit? They're going through a breakup or they're going through a divorce. It's their own, you know, it's just like, why do you give a shit?

They're going through a breakup or they're going through a divorce. It's their own, you know, it's gotta be painful. It's their own business. What the fuck, you know? Why don't you watch sports, gamble away your paycheck on something that is feeling more and more manipulated as the seasons go by, right? Why wouldn't you...

Why wouldn't you do that? Um... Anywho... So my goal is not to be a fat fuck and throughout the course of this play finally take off this... I was saying the other day, I go, I'm getting this

COVID weight off. Somebody goes, COVID? They go, that was a long fucking time ago. I was like, idea I go I got I'm getting this COVID weight up. And somebody goes COVID they go that was a long fucking time ago. It's like I had a kid during COVID I never got it off. Been walking around. I remember when I turned 50 I was like I'm going fucking sting from the police in my 50s. I'm gonna be lean and mean I'm doing fucking yoga every other day. I'm fucking doing this and fucking doing that. And then like I was doing great. I was down to my fighting weight. What's that a reference to my fighting weight, Bob Pogo on F

is for family my fighting weight. Anyway, yeah, I was down to that. And then Bob Pogo, I haven't thought about it. Dave Kepner used to fucking kill us when we were going in, when he was going into the booth. I remember one time he was reading something that we wrote and he was being all big when Bob Pogo used to yell and he was in the fucking The booth and as he was doing the lines it looked like he was doing the backstroke, too He was like flailing his house backwards And we were in there watching him do it me and Mike price and

David Richardson rest his soul Mark Wilmore rest his soul, we were all in there fucking dying laughing. Anyway I got down to my fighting weight and I yeah that was 2019. And then COVID hit. And you know, I was like most people, I was like, all right, this will last a week. All right, this will be two weeks. Come on, guys, let's get it together. Let's stay away from each other and this thing will burn itself up. Everybody just do what they're saying.

Everybody just stay away from each other and it can't spread, right? Right? That makes sense, right everybody? No. And it just kept going and going and going and going. And I don't know. So how I dealt with it is I would fucking, I don't know, I just, I started hanging out later and later at night with my wife and I was fucking eating ice cream sandwich

Oh, that's what I did for some stupid fucking reason. I went down a rabbit hole and I remember there was this bit when when I was a kid. I was living on the East Coast and they had like You had milkshakes and you had fraps which what was fucking better than that when you were a kid right You had milkshakes and you had fraps, which what was fucking better than that when you were a kid, right? Ice cold sugar right to your fucking brain. And my grandparents lived out in the Midwest and we went out to the Midwest and we would go to Bob's Big Boy and they had malts. They had a malted milk so they would put malt in it and it had this great aftertaste.

And me and my siblings love these things. So for whatever reason, I don't know what happened, I went down this fucking rabbit hole of reading the history of where the the frat came from, it came from like New Jersey, and then it worked its way up to fucking, Massachusetts all of this shit And the difference between a malted milkshake and blah blah blah, and it just took me back You know riding in a caprice classic station wagon Roadtrip, you know out to Ohio, Illinois, Michigan. We were going all around out there We kept stopping at these Bob's Big Boys, and I got a taste for it.

So I ended up buying malt. And I went on YouTube and learned how to make a malted milkshake like this elevated thing. And that was it. I've been a fat fuck ever since. Ha ha ha ha. fat fuck ever since. You know, there's a lot of warnings out there about like everything from fucking, you know, heroin to fucking vaping, but like there's nothing out there to warn you about if you learn how to make your own fucking milkshake at home.

I don't know. You know, sometimes I think about that where they talk about how, you know, as you get older, your metabolism slows down. So it's hard enough to keep the weight off. It's like, I don't think that's necessarily what it is. It's part of it. But the other part is you now live on your own and you own a blender. Okay. And there's no one there to tell you to go to bed and to say, no, You now live on your own and you own a blender. Okay? And there's no one there to tell you to go to bed and to say, no, you already had a cookie today. You're not having another.

You're not having a second dessert. Now, God damn it, get upstairs before I give you a reason to go upstairs. You don't have that anymore. You know? Then you're working in a cubicle and this isn't what you dreamed of. And you're still trying to figure out what your dream is, and you're on fucking Instagram, and everybody's dreams are coming true evidently every two seconds,

except for yours, and you're like, what the fuck? And then you look over at your blender, and it's over on the counter, like, hey man, I think there's a reason you never really put me away like you do all the other things in the kitchen like I think there's a reason I'm out here out in the open man you know we're supposed to we're supposed to be together man making things man right so what do you do do you make a fucking smoothie which I don't even know if those things are healthy you gotta put like 40 pieces

of fruit in there like how much sugar is that why don't you just have one apple because it's not yummy I want to be yummy that's another thing too all of these fucking cunts with this diet shit that tastes good. Anything that says it's going to help you lose weight but it still tastes good is fucking nothing but chemicals. I'm convinced of that. So I'm literally to the point, I have salads now with no dressing on it, which is one of the worst things you're ever going to do the first time. But after the third

time you get used to it. And you start to get into that what your addiction becomes is being level rather than the sugar salt spike. You know what I mean? Like here we, three, two, one, liftoff. You know that shit, yeah. And you just have this boundless energy for about 17, 18 minutes before you come crashing down. You know, right at the half hour mark,

you're like, what does life even mean? Right? I've been trying to avoid all of that shit, so. I don't know, it's been going all right. I made my own mayonnaise. I mean, guys, I don't know what to tell you. I am just fucking the loneliest I've been. Like, I used to be able to be this guy, you know,

before I fell in love with my wife and had two amazing kids. And, you know, yeah, I'm glad I've discovered, I was like, all right, I used to do this. I'm German Irish, I can just wall off the loneliness and just function. And I'm proud to say I can just wall off the loneliness and just function and I'm proud to say I can't anymore I'm lonely. I'm sad and

Yeah, that's that's where I am. I think I feel like I might be going through menopause. I don't know what this is Anyway, I had somebody the other day, like, just started telling me what it was like to go through menopause and I don't even know how we got on the fucking subject, but once this person got going, she wouldn't stop. And you know, when someone's just fucking going and you're not looking at them, you're just sitting there, you know, with your eyebrows up, you know, which is the clear, polite way of saying, okay, I got it. But she wasn't stopping.

Like Charlie in Platoon. Charlie ain't stopping this time. I got a bad feeling that she just kept fucking going. I was sitting at a comedy club. This woman of a particular age started telling me that she was going through menopause and what it was like. And then I had no and what it was like. And then I had no idea what it was like to go through it. And it's just like, yeah, yeah, I don't. I don't have any idea because I'm a man.

So why the fuck, obviously I don't know. Do you know what it's like to fucking throw your back out for the first time when you're 12? Because that's what a guy does. And then for the rest of your life, and they steal its back, it's just a mystery. We what a guy does. And then for the rest of your life, they steal its back? It's just a mystery. We really don't know.

And then for the rest of your life, you have a fucking bad back? How many women out there do you meet with a bad back? I bet that's happening more and more now that the fucking nerds at the top are just keeping all the money. Do you ever think we would live in a world like this? Nerds! You just got your asses whipped by a bunch of goddamn nerds.

Nerds! How great was John Goodman in Revenge of the Nerds? That guy is so fucking effortlessly amazing. How great was John Goodman in Revenge of the Nerds? That guy is so fucking effortlessly amazing if he's doing drama or comedy. One of the fucking best like off-camera fucking hilarious things I've seen an actor do. He did in Revenge of the Nerds. He's sitting on this stage and he has his starter's pistol because he's going to shoot it to start some sort of event.

The other people are talking in the scene and on the master he's in the shot sitting there. And he had the presence of mind. He's just looking at the starter's pistol. And then he just sort of points it at the floor and closes one eye like he's aiming it just looking like the come The complete like psycho that his character was it was such a subtle thing and I watched that movie so many times when it came Out on cable, and I missed it You know the first four times I saw it and then one of my you know the first four times I saw it and then one of my one of my buddies saw it and we just died you know we had a VHS tape rented it from the the video

store you know that's another reason why people are so fat you used to have to go out to the video store try to get there early and box people out, you know, so you could rent Top Gun before it was sold out. Now you just turn on your fucking TV. I don't know what I want to work. scrolling, scrolling, scrolling, scrolling. It's like a mall of entertainment. I mean, just wandering around. I wonder what they're going to do with malls

and storefronts. Like, what's that going to be like in New York City, for the most part, unless you live in like a like a doorman building, I guess a walk up building is the same way. But like all the buildings that are along the avenues, the ground floor is storefronts. And I'm wondering like, what are we gonna do when all the stores are gone? And one nerd owns the store. I don't know. That's a fucking weird world, but they're nerds. So I feel like, you know, back in the day, like, I mean, how much of a fucking psycho lunatic was Joseph Stalin? Well, I guess they never took him out of power, did they? I guess he died of natural people. What did he die of?

I can't remember. I don't know, but we took out Hitler, right? You know what's weird? I don't know what the Emperor of Japan's name was. He doesn't get as much screen time, does he, in Hollywood movies? I should know that one. My only reference over there for psychos is Pol Pot. Right, the killing fields. Is that what that was? I don't know. Do you think those mass murderers like that, do you think that they look at other mass murderers the way I look at like Richard Pryor and George Carlin? Like you do your psycho open mics and then you just work your way up. I don't know.

All right. Anyways, I'm babbling here. All right. That is the podcast. Thank you guys so much for listening. And yeah, I'm going to be psyched when I do the Monday morning podcast because I have been with my family, which is the best ever. All right, obviously. I'm going to just say obvious shit to end this podcast. All right, that is it. Have a great weekend, you cunts.

Enjoy the music picked out by Andrew Thamelis. Then we have a bonus episode of the Thursday afternoon, just before Friday, Monday Morning Podcast. I will talk to you on Monday. Need to ask a question calling out my name. Now my name, nothing seems to bother me more I like it Well I don't think you can Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burn. It's time for the Monday Morning Podcast for Monday!

February 20th, 2017. What's going on? How are ya? I am recording off of my laptop if this sounds a little bizarre. I'm in New York City. Came in town to do the Patrice O'Neill benefit. The fifth annual Patrice O'Neill benefit. It's going to be going down tomorrow night at the New York City Center. And it should be a great time. As you can tell, I'm a little jet lagged. down tomorrow night at the New York City Center. It should be a great time. As you can tell, I'm a little jet lagged.

I took a fucking red eye last night and there was this lady. You know what's hilarious? Is when you have a kid, if you actually go on the road, the big thing when you go on the road now is not the booze, not the cigars, not hanging out with your friends. It becomes like, holy shit, I'm gonna get eight hours of uninterrupted sleep. So I get on the plane, and this woman, not in my row,

but the next row over, she had a little baby, and it was crying. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. And the dude next to me fell asleep and started snoring. And I just started laughing. And the poor woman, like she was traveling alone with this baby, right? And it was a baby too, maybe a little bit older than mine. This is my first kid, so I can't judge.

I don't know if this kid was two, three months. I don't know if it was 26 years old and had that disease that that fucking baby had in the Brad Pitt movie. Remember that? Remember the old baby was just hanging around and that guy wanted to like bang the chick and he's like, you gotta get this old baby out of here

because it's weirdin' me out. Which I'd like to think that that guy later on, once his dick wasn't hard and he was thinking clearly again, he probably was thinking, you know, I probably shouldn't have said that. You know? I probably shouldn't have trashed that old baby. It was the name of a band I used to play in.

Old Baby. And, you know, we got a record contract and everything, but you know, Lee Singer got an appendicitis. I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about. Anyway, so the baby's fucking crying and the poor woman, like she falls asleep and the baby's like freaking out screaming and she can't hear it because she's like she's fucking exhausted she's got a baby and she's flying with it so and I'm sitting there and I'm watching the thing squirming around and her hands are like not really holding it anymore so now it's like this situation like is this is this lady gonna drop that fucking baby so I'm staring over there.

I'm sure other people will look at me thinking I was giving her the evil eye because the baby was crying, but I wasn't. I was just... I don't know what the fuck I thought I was gonna do because I still had my seat belt on. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha than a baby's. See that? That's why I'll never be a hero. Because what a true hero does is he sees danger and without any sort of self- and he's safe. You know what I mean? That's to me is a hero. Like if you're in a fucking bank, right, and these guys come in with guns and they go to rob the place and they say we're going to blow everybody's fucking brains out and then

you act on that. You're not really a hero to me, okay, because at no point in that scenario were you safe, alright? You were immediately in the situation. So no matter how you slice it, no matter how many fucking people you saved, at the end of the day you were motivated to save your own ass and everybody else getting saved along with you is uh you know it's just collateral damage. I mean it's positive but if you're outside the bank you're like holy shit I'm out here I'm eating a bacon egg and cheese sandwich you know getting ready to go

for a run you know know, fuel myself up. You're stretching your fucking hammies and all of a sudden you see, I don't know, you look at one of those fucking giant bank windows, you see a robbery going down and then you go in there with your Larry Bird short shorts, right, and fucking try to stop the rob. Then to me, yeah, that's like, you know what I mean? You know how there's like the Hall of Fame and, that's like, you know what I mean? You know that there's like

the Hall of Fame and then there's also, you know, people who literally have like their own wing of a Hall of Fame? Yeah, to me that's like, you know, that's when you get your own wing. But if you're already in the ship, I can't even remember what the fuck I was talking about, to be honest with you. Yeah, okay. Not a hero, right? So I finally sort of flagged down the stewardess and she goes, yes, you know, what can I get you? And I said, I think, what the fuck did I say? I said, oh, I said, can that baby fall? And she started laughing

because she thought I was being sarcastic like I was upset with the baby crying and she thought I was being sarcastic, like I was upset with the baby crying and she thought I meant like, can that baby fall on the ground and shut the fuck up? And she was like taking it back, but she also laughed, which to me immediately made her really cool that she could laugh thinking that some guy was just being sarcastic, being like, can that baby please fall on the fucking floor of an airplane, knock itself out so I can get some sleep? And I was like, no, no, fall on the fucking floor of an airplane, knock itself out so I can get some sleep.

And I was like, no, no, no, no, no, no. I mean, I'm concerned that it's gonna fall, so she kind of went over there to make sure the baby was all right. But I don't know, I'm a changed man. My urge was to go over and hold the baby. What's happened to me? I'm becoming a fucking softy, you know? to go over and hold the baby. What's happened to me?

I've become a fucking softy. I told you before, I never got mad at babies crying on airplanes because I always felt they were just expressing exactly what I was feeling. There's no way to get on an airplane at some point, you know, unless you're going on some fucking great vacation But if you're getting on there and you know, you're going back to see the relatives or some business trip or something like that You know and you just see some widebody coming down the fucking aisle and you're praying to God the person's not gonna sit next to You but you know, they're gonna you know, something's gonna fucking happen It'd probably be really good for you for your life expectancy You know something's gonna fucking happen.

It'd probably be really good for your life expectancy if you had access to your emotions that you could just break down crying. God I would love to see, you mentioned you got up on a fucking plane and there was just 300 adults in there just crying like babies. Yeah, that'd probably be a nightmare, but there's a part of me who would think that that was awesome. Anyways, I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about, so I'm telling this fucking story in the wrong way.

I actually, yesterday I did a, I presented at a Hollywood award show. Old Freckles, the big fucking phony himself, went all Hollywood. Rented a tuxedo, shout out to Mr. Tux on Wilshire Boulevard. Wasn't going to say, yeah, I had to do the present thing and I just sort of wrote something and I quickly, when I got to the writers guild thing I immediately was like wow I should have not just written what I'm gonna say once I should have gone over this a bunch of times so I just was kind of going over it in my fucking head and you know I thought I was just gonna be a bunch of writers but there was some like actors there and shit like Denzel was there and who's the other guy there James Woods it was like

I don't know there was like serious fucking people there the thing was when you go up in front of a bunch of writers like no matter what they've accomplished you don't know what they look like so you can't get nervous Like someone could literally have been sitting there and they wrote the best picture Oscar winner fucking nine years in a row Nine years I know what they look like but whatever, you know, they could accomplish shit like that You have no fucking idea with it like for the whole night They were just pulling people out of the crowd and I would be sitting there going I don't know who this guy is and then when they would say what the fuck they did, I was like, Jesus Christ. So with every person they pulled out of the crowd, I don't know, I just felt like the

pressure was getting more and more and I just kept muttering to myself, this is it, this is it, one and done. I'm never doing one of these fucking things again. This is not my thing. I don't know what the fuck I'm doing here. This is not, this is not my, this is not my thing. I don't know what the fuck I'm doing here. This is stupid. These people are, are smart. They're accomplished. Like, like the shit that, you know, some of the fucking people in the crowd, the stuff that they do, you know, what it takes to write a movie and actually get it made, and then get that fucking takes to write a movie and actually get it made and then get that fucking giant rock up the fucking hill as opposed to me who just, hey, here's a shit joke.

I think I'll try this as I'm riding over on the subway to a club. I don't know. It just kept getting bigger and bigger and bigger. And Pat Oswald hosted it. Fucking murder. His monologue was great. His monologue was so great, I kind of forgot that I had to go up. getting bigger and bigger and bigger and uh... pat oswald hosted it fucking murdered his monologue was great uh... his monologue was so great i kinda forgot that i had to go up i was just sitting there as a fan enjoying it Fran Armisen was there

and he went out and somehow gave his credit card information that's what he did before he said the nominees and somehow he made that fucking hilarious and once again it just made me feel like, why am I here? I shouldn't be here. So I'm finally waiting to go up,

and James Woods is giving some sort of lifetime achievement award to Oliver Stone. Thank God this shit wasn't televised. Which is also fucking, somebody made a reference to that, like nobody works fucking harder than those guys and they won't even put it on TV because nobody knows what they look like I guess. So he tells the whole fucking story of being best friends with Oliver Stone for 35 years and I have to go on after this shit and I just, yeah that's why I just kept thinking. I started looking at my watch the way I used to back in the day when I would do nooners,

which is a stand up expression for basically you're doing a college gig and the show is essentially at 12 noon or one in the afternoon, it's usually in a cafeteria and it is a fucking nightmare. You go up there and you have to do an hour. You have to stand in front of, you have to stand in public in a fucking college cafeteria in front of like God knows how many, three, four, five, six hundred fucking college students

who have no idea that there's going to be any sort of performance. Forget about a comedy show. And like the level of just fucking like I don't even I think it's like it's really hard for me to be humiliated now after doing enough of those. Like you just get so walled off. You just accept it. You're like, okay, my life is going to suck like it's never sucked starting in about three minutes.

However, in an hour and three minutes, I'm going to be back in my rental car and I'm never going to see these fucking people again. That's the mindset I used to go into. I used to go up there and I used to just psych myself up to be like, how hard can I commit to these jokes? How big of an ass can I make of myself? and just to try to not give into the horror slash negative vibe of the situation because if you did that I learned the hard way you were going to burn through an hour of material in like 17 minutes and you were going to be angry

and your agent was going to get a call. So anyways, James Woods is going on and on and on. He brings up fucking, and I don't mean that in a bad way. It's just that Oliver Stone has accomplished so many things. And Oliver Stone goes out there and after a night of fucking Trump bashing, just so eloquently stated that all the countries we've invaded, all of the stuff that we've done, and he said during all of our history of doing this, there's been both Democrats and Republicans holding the office of president. I thought I should have gotten more of an applause break, but you know, I don't know. The Trump thing is just such low hanging fruit.

At some point, it's like we get it. Hollywood does not like Trump. Having said that, this fucking guy went on stage and did the best Trump, I should have gotten his name. I was so fucking nervous about what I had to do. He did the best Trump impression. The fucking nuanced performance that he did, it was unbelievable. And then he did a lot of really, really fucking harsh jokes.

Even writers, they sit in fucking writers' rooms. You wouldn't think that you could get them to pull back. It's just because they're in public. And he just totally fucking committed. So I got kind of inspired by that. So long story short, I'm sitting there waiting to go on. And they mentioned that Oliver Stone, I guess, wrote Scarface, which I didn't know. And I remember my mother took us to go see that.

My youngest brother was nine at the time. So I thought that was pretty cool. So I just went out there and I sort of winged it, told a story about how I used to think a pony was a small horse. And I don't even, I can't remember what I said, but I think it went okay. And I got off stage and I actually thought for half a second, like, you know what? That was actually kind of fun. And I realized that a lot of my aversion to award shows

is just my own social anxiety of not knowing how to behave when there's a room full of people just saying positive shit to each other. Like if that, if award shows were like absolute, a room full of people just saying positive shit to each other. Like if award shows were like absolute, I'm not talking like roasts. I don't like roasts either. I don't know what happened to roasts. Roast to me used to be funny and then it just became just like this, you know, Tourette's

thing. Hey, I wouldn't fuck you with a dog dick AIDS cock shit cunt, you know. It's just like, all right. So and so's there I'm not saying he wook a wook a wook a but this guy Baba Daba dooboo. I find them fucking mind-numbingly boring But whatever somewhere in between there some but somewhere short of that If it was totally negative I would have been comfortable So I don't what the fuck that says about me, So I figured out what my hangup was with the war.

I will say though, I still will never get past listening to fucking people talk politics and fucking the environmental issues and all of that shit. It's just like everybody knows, we already know this shit. We already know it. You're not going to inspire anybody. Like, you know, I kind of gave a shit about the environment, but then when that guy from fucking Third Rock from the Sun said that shit about Antarctica, I was like, wait a minute. This is an important issue. I don't know. Maybe I'm just a negative cunt. Well, I am a negative cunt, but I'll never be able to get... I just think that's just like some, like...

It's like the Beyonce thing, you know what I mean? Like, I never would have thought that somebody could, like, exaggerate the magnitude of creating life, but somehow she's done it. Ha ha ha ha! My wife gets so upset when I make... I her. I don't really have any feelings either. It's just fun to make fun of her. Her fan base is just so fucking, I don't know. I was driving Neon nuts when she was watching the Grammys and stuff. First of all, why does she get a four hour performance and everybody else only gets like fucking six seconds.

You know, Bruno Mars is running around doing a bunch of costume changes, you know. She comes out dressed like a Batman villain and fucking does like a 45 minute set. I didn't think it was fair to the other performers. But you know what? I gotta be honest with you. I don't think I could name one... Bootylicious, that was, that's when she was with those other two girls that she kicked to the curb. If you're in an all-girl group, or if you're in a boy band, you can't, at this point, people have to be so fucking educated that you know at some point there's gonna be like one person

is gonna go solo you know and be extremely successful and the rest of you are just gonna be sitting around working at Staples hoping that the person who left and is now wildly successful as a solo artist will eventually have a couple of shit albums so they have to come back to you to do a reunion tour. You know what I mean? Like, do you think Justin Timberlake's ever going to do the NSYNC thing? Maybe he has.

I don't fucking know. But all I can say, I guess what I'm saying is if I was in a boy band way back in the day and I still had my reddish orange hair I Would save my money I'd be like, you know what someone's gonna break out. I know it's not gonna be me. Oh Anyways, how far into this podcast are we? I gotta check the fucking timer. Hey, how about fucking the Boston Bruins? We are undefeated with our new coach. I don't even know if it was Bruce Cassidy or Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid. I already forgot his fucking name. I've been so goddamn busy.

Hey, you know what the best thing about having a baby is? Dude, you can watch so much fucking sports in the first three months before they learn how to crawl around and shit. Every morning. It's like my daughter is like my new best friend. I mean, that was going to happen anyway. Sorry for the extra noise I was setting the laptop down. My daughter is my new best friend, okay?

Aside from the obvious that she's my blood, she's my daughter and everything, but just like on a real level, she's my best friend. I probably have watched like 20 games with her already. Every morning, right? The lovely Nia, you know, she's exhausted because she still has to breastfeed at night when I just have to wake up, you know, and change a diaper every once in a while.

Sorry for the hiccups here. So in the mornings, I try to give my wife like three hours at least, you know what I mean? Like I got it down where if she just feeds her, I can take her and then I can have her and you know I have like I Have a little fucking bottle You know to feed her I can I can go three hours. I can keep her calm for fucking three hours while my wife sleeps and all that type of stuff so what I do is I just tape games and every morning we come upstairs and

I just put her on my chest and I just sit there and I watch games with her. And when she starts to cry, you know what it is? What's been working for me? You know those giant exercise balls that people use for core strengths? I just get on one of those and I just, just fucking bouncing up and down on the thing.

It gives them the feeling of weightlessness or some shit. And if they start crying when you're doing the bouncing thing because it's killing my fucking back, right? I just go fucking crazy big air. Then they're just like, you know, it makes them almost like when a dog wants to kill somebody. And if you just make a loud enough noise and they fucking look in another direction,

it just, they completely forget that they wanted to kill somebody. Babies are like that. They start to cry. If you get their stomach to drop, they kind of go make this face like, whoa, their eyes get big and shit. And then they just kind of get into that vibe. And then you just slowly get it back down, two, three, four repetitions back down to

the level that you have and they don't cry. And then eventually they fall asleep. repetitions back down to the level that you have and they don't cry and Then eventually they fall asleep then I do you know that I got I got the fucking game on and I've watched more fucking college hoop since going to that Duke UNC game. I've been you know obviously started taping all the Duke games I watched Duke, Virginia. I missed them against Wake Forest yesterday, but I got all the rest of that year. I think they got Syracuse on Wednesday, then they got University of Miami, and then Florida State, and then they play UNC again, March 4th. Even if you're not a huge fan of fucking college basketball, you got to watch that one.

I watched Kentucky, Georgia. I saw Georgia lose another heartbreaker. I watched that one. I watched Kentucky, Georgia. Saw Georgia lose another heartbreaker. I watched Wisconsin, Maryland, which was fucking so boring. I went into my fucking DVR and I had taped UNC Virginia and I watched that one instead. I watched that, that fucking kid, what's his name? Number 44 on UNC. What the fuck is his name? It's alliteration. Justin Jameson. No. I can't remember his fucking name. I'm fucking sleep deprived here. Totally gotten into that. Been watching the NHL and

because of the All-Star break, you know, the Celtics gave me a break, you know, because they were on the All-Star break and I got to watch a bunch of college shit. So anyways, I landed here in New York, slept the whole fucking flight, had my eye mask and my earplugs and I was all good. That lady didn't drop that baby and everything was fine. You know, nobody tried to hijack the plane. Everything was fine. Nobody tried to hijack the plane. Everything was good. I get in the car, take the cab ride over to the hotel, and they had Trump on the radio. It's just that fucking guy, man. Jesus Christ.

He was talking about some terrorist thing that happened in Sweden. He goes, I mean, this happened in Sweden, people. Sweden. He yells, people, Sweden. He yells Sweden again. He just sounds like I just, I cannot fucking believe. I can't believe that this guy is president and I cannot believe that he's so successful at it. In that he's just implementing everything.

Like I didn't know you could just go around Congress with these fucking executive orders, man. It's fucking hilarious that he's found yet another. This guy is like the, if there's like a hall of fame for finding the loophole, I mean, he really is like, he's a fucking genius. I just wish he was more stable, because, you know, Hillary would have scared the shit out of me in a much quieter

dignified way and not even dignified just as far as she knows how to Give a fucking speech but I Don't know I don't know The day he stops reacting to people saying shit about him in award shows, I think I'll feel a little more comfortable with the fact that he's in power. This is like the most simple and basic thought I've ever had in my life, right? Is they keep talking about how the tensions, that if Russia was actually in communication

with Trump and Europe's all nervous because Russia's fucking doing whatever over there and blah blah blah blah blah, and these guys are thinking this and these guys are thinking that. And I just was thinking like, hey, why doesn't everybody just fucking relax? You know? And I don't mean you, I don't mean me, we're just regular, everybody's just walking around, you know, living your life, getting a fucking newspaper. Why don't these cunts up top, why don't you just fucking relax?

I know this is way too overly simplified, but like, I would have no fucking idea what another country was thinking or planning to do if you weren't yammering about it? Alright? And if the other people on the other side weren't yammering about what the fuck we're trying to do You know? Why don't we just stay? Everybody just stays home Where's your country? You fucking stay there, right? I don't mean refugees, I just mean leaders in your armies Just fucking stay there We bring our guys back, everybody just sorts out their own shit, you know?

And when people come to your country to go to your fucking water park or whatever, you give them the Mickey Mouse ears, you put on a show. Why can't it just fucking be like that? You know why, because they want to get the fucking, you know, natural resources and money. That's all the fuck it is.

That's all it is. I don't give a fuck about any of that goddamn rhetoric. That's why the fuck they're doing it. And all they do is sit there scaring the shit out of you. I just wish everybody could, like regular people, just collectively, all at the same time be like, and fuck it. Yep, yeah, exactly. Fuck it.

Fuck everything you're saying. Fuck wars. Fuck, yeah, exactly. Fuck it. Fuck everything you're saying. Fuck wars. Fuck all of this shit. If you fucking rich cunts have a problem with each other, why don't you sit down at your yacht clubs and try and fucking work it out, you know? Play a game of seven fucking something stud, whatever the, I don't know how to card play,

whatever the fuck it is you do, you know? Enough with the blowing up of people and shit. Yeah, I don't know. I know, it's completely oversimplified, but like, yeah, sometimes, when I think about having mind control, like that's what I think of doing. I just have, you know, when like people on terrorist groups

all the way to our country start saying we're gonna go to war, it's just like, yeah, no, no, no, we're not. to war it's just like yeah no no no we're not alrighty then and then just see what the fuck they would do I think they would literally lose their fucking minds they wouldn't know what to do because they just be like well now what what am I gonna do if I'm not out there trying to get more what am I gonna do sit here alone with my own thoughts how many do you think would actually take their own lives?

Like take that fatty over there in North Korea. I'm really in over my head, by the way, if you haven't realized it. This is like meet the press with no press or information. It's the same thing. I'll probably get sued by that program for ruining their format. That fat cunt there, you know, old softy there, doesn't have a whisker on his fucking face, like you know what I mean? Like you ought to be able to

grow a fucking crazy beard, man. You know, that's one thing I'll have to commend that. I don't even know his name. Kim Jong-il? Is that his name? Or is it Kim Jong-il Jr.? Sonny Boy? Frank Sinatra Jr.? Whatever the fuck his name is over there. Like the fact that he can't grow a beard and he still has people scared shitless. You know, like what if they could just collectively over there, everybody just be like,

yeah dude, we don't give a fuck anymore, right? And everybody just goes about their business. He still gets to live in that big fucking house, but nobody listens to him. Like nobody will kill for him anymore. No army will do anything, but he still gets to keep the giant fucking house. Like how fucking freaked out would he be? You know? Nobody really goes over, talks to him or anything, so eventually he has to come out and go to

like a farmer's market. You know? And then you don't talks to him or anything. So eventually he has to come out and go to like a farmers market You know and then you don't talk to him you force him to acclimate himself socially You know like anybody else would if they were the new guy in town If I had mind control, that's what the fuck I would do What I don't know what do I I would probably do some do some evil shit. If you could control the entire world's fuckin' brains. Yeah, I don't think I can handle that. Alright, fuck that. That was a dumb idea. Alright, let's read some fuckin' advertising here for this week. Alright. Alright, there we go. Jesus Christ. I'm done with that shit. Sorry for setting out my fucking laptop. How much

time will be up to here? Oh 38 minutes. Perfect. It's time to start reading some letters. Before I do I want to thank everybody the night before the Patrice O'Neil benefit for everybody that has bought tickets once again. And we've been able to keep this benefit going. And I cannot even begin to tell you how much this has helped his loved ones. It's just been such a great thing. And as sad and tragic as it always will be that he passed way too soon. Just all you guys stepping it up every year and seeing like just how much that has changed and helped the people that he was helping out

when he was alive. It's just, I can't thank you enough, all right? Okay. Friday the 13th bullshit. Oh, this is in regards to, I was talking about that, like why is Friday the 13th unlucky rather than Monday the 13th? So this person comes to me with this, it says, Bill, with regards to your podcast involving

Friday the 13th, the main superstition that spread was amongst sailors during the late 17th century who considered setting sail on any Friday to be a bad omen, and given that most people, including pirates, were God-fearing Christians, the 13 relating to the Last Supper being the night before Jesus died. Were there 13 apostles? There was 12 apostles plus Jesus. That was 13. If the 13th fell on...

Well first of all, I don't understand. Why did sailors wait until the 1700s? They waited 1700 years minus 32 years so they waited 1600 and fucking 68 years. People have been sailing for fucking ever. They were sailing back in Jesus' day, right? Well I guess there was no fucking social media so it took a while for the story to get out. I don't know. Anyways, if the 13th fell on Friday, most docks and ports would be emptied out as sailors believed this to be the greatest

ill omen there could possibly be and for reason and reason enough not to work on the day or get out of bed for that matter as most people of that time hung crucifixes over their bed and believed it to be the safest place in the house. Now I'm gonna say most people didn't do that. You know what I mean? I would just say like if back in the day, if TV news existed, those were the people's houses that they would go to and they would try to scare the shit out of everybody

about Friday the fucking 13th. But I think that there was a lot of fucking people back then, even back then that were just like, dude, are you fucking you a fucking? There was people back then that said Jesus shit never happened. They said you it's a couple pieces of wood It makes the shape of a cross. It's it's it's not like some holy fucking thing I imagine there was plenty of people granted. They probably got lit on fire if they said some shit like that. I Have no idea. So anyways, it sounds pretty basic now but

back in the day people simply didn't know any better. If you fell sick around a Friday you were unlucky. Around a 13th of a month also unlucky but the two together somehow was much worse. Dip shit ancestors. They just lacked the information. Jesus Christ. What about us? We're the smart ones ruining the fucking oceans? The Great Barrier Reef is dead. You know, they didn't fucking go, they would have killed it if they had the fucking opportunity. You know what? They're the same dip shits we are right now. Alright, Canadian bus beheader. Oh, you know what? I meant to look this up. I said, did you hear about this guy who beheaded and ate another guy

and they set free? How the fuck is he allowed free and why wasn't he executed? How do they know he won't relapse into another murder slash dinner? Am I crazy by saying if you murder someone you should be murdered yourself? Well, yeah, if people didn't lie, you know, if there weren't people wrongly convicted, I mean, I just, I feel like though if it's beyond a shadow of a fucking doubt. If you do something to animals, kids, or if you eat somebody's head on a bus, I would have to say, yeah, you wanna handle it. Oh, you know, I forgot to fucking,

before I get into this shit, I forgot to hype my YouTube page. I'm finally gonna start posting videos then. I'm gonna start doing tours of cities again. And you can watch all of this on my YouTube page, www.youtube.com slash user slash Monday morning podcast. YouTube.com slash user slash Monday morning podcast. All right, let me try to find the link of this fucking guy.

Jesus Christ. Just fucking eating, I mean, I would even go about eating a head. Oh, this is a different one. Wait a second. Is there no link to this one? What just happened here? Oh, I do have a link. I'm sorry guys, this is usually where I'll try to hit fucking pause so you don't have to go through the torture of this. Alright, there it is, there it is. Okay, here we go. Canadian man who beheaded bus passenger granted total freedom Winnipeg, Manitoba aka

Winterpeg home of the Jets a Canadian man who was found not criminally responsible For beheading and cannibalizing a fellow passenger on a Greyhound bus has been granted his freedom Greyhound bus has been granted his freedom. He cut somebody's head off, fucking ate it, and wasn't criminally responsible. Well, who was? Manitoba's Criminal Code Review Board announced Friday it will give, it has given Will Baker, formerly known as Vince Lee, well thanks for fucking up his identity,

an absolute discharge, meaning he is no longer subject to monitoring? Man who thought roommate was a zombie pleads guilty to murder. Okay, what the fuck is going on in Canada? That's a completely different story. Here's a rabbit hole, I'll read that one next. Baker, a diagnosed schizophrenic, killed Tim McLean, a young carnival worker. Jesus Christ.

See, this is why you never take buses. Carni workers, schizophrenics, it's just, you know, you're taking your life in your hands. A young carnival worker who was a complete stranger to Baker in 2008. A year later, he was found not criminally responsible due to mental illness. Okay. McLean's mother, Carol, whatever, has been outspoken against granting Bakers for her own mother, saying, don't set this guy free, saying there'd be no way to ensure he continued to take his meds. She declined comment in a post on Facebook

Friday saying, I have no words. Baker was initially kept in a secure wing of a psychiatric hospital, was given more freedom every year. He's been living on his own in Winnipeg apartment since November, but was still subject to monitoring to ensure he took his medication. Baker's dark, dude, this is fucking insane.

You let a head eater go free I don't know dude do you think that they should kill people who are mentally insane I mean what are you gonna do you gonna stick him in a room and beat him flintstone vitamins for the rest of life all right man who thought roommate was a zombie pleads guilty to murder these are all just mentally ill people here, man. A 38-year-old man who said he beat his roommate to death because he thought she was a zombie pleaded no contest to second-degree murder.

Now I'm sitting there wondering, maybe he just beat her to death. No, he's just trying to act like he's fucking insane. This guy entered the plea Friday in the strangling and beating death. Now he's just trying to act like he's fucking insane. The guy entered the plea Friday the strangling and beating death of 35 year old Jennifer Lopez. Not the same one obviously. The Kansas City Star reported Wallace told police he had fallen asleep after taking a methamphetamine. Court documents said he began beating Lopez when she woke up because he thought she was a zombie. He told police he kept beating Lopez until something made him stop. Wow, this is not a funny podcast

anymore now, is it? Should you be murdered if you murder somebody? I think without a fucking doubt if they know you did it. Yeah, I don't know. I mean, I saw, you know, I saw it, I don't want to say what this fucking person did to a kid, but the kid died and like, I was just like, why is that person still walking on the earth? There's definitely times where I feel that. And I don't think that that makes us as bad as they are But prison is a big business so

You know, they want that fucking guy in a cell. All right Ministry of Truth. Hey there Billy Hey there Billy of Rights I'm sorry guys. I'm so fucking jet-lagged here. This podcast is really just fucking lagging here. Dragon, I should say. Lots of people are comparing Trump to Hitler. But back in December, Obama tried to quietly pass a bill that would allow the government Yeah, I saw this. Have jurisdiction over news and outgoing information on all channels, i.e. TV,

internet, radio. That includes you. You can read the fine print in the article below. Also, fuck all the people listening who haven't read the legislation but are already up in arms because it goes against who they cheer for. Amen to that. Amen to that. Everybody, like last night, all these fucking guys at this fucking award show, everybody trashing Donald Trump.

Nobody brings up the fact that Obama basically signed something that is going to implement an incredible level of fucking censorship. They're basically going to decide what is real news and what is fake news. I'd like to think because I openly admit that I don't read, and the shit that I say is just fucking absurd that I would be, you know, exempt, but who knows? But like, people with blue ties do this shit all the fucking time, and that's what kills me about people who wear red ties and watch Fox News

and the Hollywood people, like they just cannot see the bullshit. All the only, it's like listening to a fanatic Red Sox and Yankee fan You know what I mean? You know giving each other shit for buying titles and fucking abusing steroids. It's like no we both did it. We both did it We should hang our heads in shame collectively

All right, let me see if I can find this this art I don't really even want to fucking read this because this is just so fucking... Let's see. Today, I have signed into law S.2943, the National Defense Authorization Act for the fiscal year 2017. This act authorizes fiscal year 2017 appropriations principally for the Department of Defense and the Department of Energy national security programs provides vital benefits for military personnel families okay, blah blah blah blah blah blah and Where do we get to the? Yeah, dude, I can't read all of this I

Can't read all of this. I don't know fucking This will take me fucking three hours to read. This would have to be part of a mini-series for me to read all of this. Okay, here's some bullshit and bold. The first priority is developing a whole of government strategy for countering the foreign propaganda and disinformation being waged against us and our allies by our enemies. Now that reads great, but it's basically, you know, they want, yeah, listen to our propaganda, not their fucking propaganda. You know, our version of what's going on is right and their version is wrong.

We're all fallible, we're all fucking human beings, but we don't make mistakes, they do. So I don't know, it just gets back to all of that shit. And you know what, sir, you're never going to solve any of it. Everybody starts fucking screaming at each other. And if you ever bring up something like that, people call you a socialist and tell you to get the fuck out of the country. If you would ever even remotely suggest that this government would ever fucking lie. They all lie to their fucking people.

Oh, God, Bill, shut up. Okay. Suggest that this government would ever fucking like they all lie to their fucking people Oh god, they'll shut up. Okay, dear Billy beer thighs Forgive my poor English Well, the fact that you can come up Billy beer thighs in a fucking second language is pretty amazing So I think your English is fucking great I am a native Berliner But I have family across Germany. One of my female cousins was harassed on the way to work by some people who are different. I do not want to say just a different race or religion, but also a different way of thinking.

They are not native to Germany and are not acclimating well to Western life. I am not a racist and I find the issues very sensitive, but I believe that reality has to play a part in one's objective view. I'm not against refugees or anyone displaced because of terrible political and military situations, but I also have a new opinion because of my cousin. She is okay, but had 19 stitches in the back of her neck and head from a bottle thrown at her because she was a woman walking alone at night.

This is not the first time this has happened in her town that was good enough to show good graces to refugees. If countries are going to let people in, they have to at least be okay with women having certain rights. Should they not forget about religion or relays? That's just good and bad, I think. Am I a bad person for becoming a more cautious person

when it comes to refugees? Thank you and cheers on your new child. No, not at all. I mean, a lot of that, and also people's prejudice because you're German, they're gonna fucking think a certain way, but like, you know, if one of the elements that comes into play is that from wherever these other people are from,

that a woman walking alone at night is suggesting that she's fucking, I don't know, I don't know what, loose or having sex or whatever the fuck it is that's going to make them throw a goddamn bottle. Like, how do you not address that? And also to me, it's like, what kind of a fucking person, you know, when I go to another country, like, whatever I see, I just go, oh, I guess that's how they do it over here.

I don't think, like, I see, I just go, oh, I guess that's how they do it over here. I don't think like, you know, well, I'm from someplace else and this is the way we do it, so I'm going to act like we're still in my country. I think that's ignorant, but never underestimate the power of religion. You know, when people really get into it, when they really fucking get into it, there's something where your brain goes on autopilot and you just let religion make decisions for you and rational thought kind of goes out the fucking window and you just start breaking one commandment after another.

Like you tell me one religion out there, if you could find it in whatever book it is that you read that says it's fucking okay to throw a fucking bottle at a woman walking alone at night. I mean, shouldn't you, I mean, if you think it's, you should have walked her home if you were concerned about, like, I don't understand like But yeah, one of the things I think refugees should Like if I fuck I say that this country goes to complete shit and there's a big war and all of a sudden they're hunting down fucking bald redheads and I need to seek political asylum or some shit in another country when I go there

the first thing I'm gonna do is try to learn the fucking language, and then I'm going to try to figure out, okay, how do they do shit over here? You know what I mean? So I don't fucking offend anybody, and so I don't get the shit kicked out of me. But I would say the type of people that throw a bottle like that, I would say the type of people that throw a bottle like that, you know, they're also the kind of people that if they were in higher up in a corporate thing that they would be pilfering the coffers as they say or whatever. Like there's just certain people out there that just, they're not good people.

There's certain people that are just not smart people. That's one of the fucking problems with human beings is there's a lot of mouth-breathing morons and when you accept a bunch of refugees, you know, you're going to get some fucking super smart people all the way down to mouth-breathing morons. I don't think you're, yeah, why wouldn't you be more cautious when it came to refugees if something like that happened? I mean, now, having said that, within your own country, you also have neo-Nazis. You know what I mean?

So, you know, if you're suggesting getting rid of all refugees, then you should also do something about neo-Nazis. So the hard fucking thing when people go to a new country is they don't look like the people that are there, so they stick out like a fucking sore thumb and people stop looking at them as human beings. They just look at him as one giant group. Whereas if you look at a fucking neo-Nazi, he's still a fucking white dude. I'm assuming you're white, German, right?

And you're like, yeah, that guy, he's a fucking moron. You know what I mean? You're just looking at him like he joined a stupid club, despite the fact that those people can do some really horrific shit too. But I don't think you're a bad person for becoming more cautious. But I would also remain open-minded

that there's gonna be some really great people that were lucky enough to get out of those bad situations and that's the hard part. The easy thing is to just say fuck all of these people and you know that's the basic let's sit down and eat some Fritos and cake or you can actually do the crunches in your cardio and actually Try to look at people as individuals now having said that when the Sun goes down at night all bets are off You have to look at people You know the most cautiously as cautiously as you possibly can because I guarantee you That even if they had a fucking rule about that during the day if there was a bunch of people walking around

They the chances of them doing that during the day would have been much less. So I'm sorry that happened to one of your cousins. I hope it doesn't turn you into a hateful person. You seem like you're trying to be measured. I don't know. But it would suck if you became another hateful person because it's just going to add fuel to all of this blue tie, red tie shit.

Alright, Dear Billy Butkus. On Valentine's Day, my ex, whom... I love people who know how to use whom. You know, who and whom. I've looked up the definition fucking a hundred times. I believe I've read it on this podcast. I still for the life of me cannot figure it out. On Valentine's Day my ex whom I had been dating for three years came to my job at a bar with a new much younger date. Sat

with her for hours and proceeded to get a cab home with her. My co-workers obviously told me and I was devastated. Well, that's why he did it. We've been broken up for two and a half months and it was a really tough breakup. I know I deserve better, but I feel like he's driving me out of a small town that I generally love. This isn't the first time he's made a public show

with women. At this point, I just want to move and start over. What is your take? My take is that you're a lucky woman. That you didn't hit your wagon to someone that's that fucking petty. Yeah, I don't like that. The way you described it, I look at that guy as though he's pathetic, and I feel bad for the woman that he brought there, because I feel like he was barely listening to her and pretending to be smiling, having a good

time as he was trying to look around to see if he could catch you. I mean, he basically went out of his way to hurt you. I mean, obviously, when you're going to break up with somebody, there's going to be that awful pain. Because usually somebody wants it and the other person doesn't. So, it's bad enough that that went down. Now, if you dumped him... But I feel like if you dumped him, you wouldn't be that upset about it. And you did say it was really tough.

So, what I would say is have yourself a celebratory glass of fucking wine, whatever your poison is, that you didn't marry this cunt. And I don't know, I think at some point, I mean, if you really love, be ashamed if you really love living where you're at that you would move just because some shallow cunt is bringing some woman over. I mean, he obviously does not give a fuck about that one.

Because I'll tell you this, if that guy in two and a half months found the one and found true love, this petty shit with you would not even be an issue. So maybe a new way of looking at it is feeling bad for the woman that he's with because he's wasting her time. And I can guarantee you she has no idea who you are. And if she does, then they're two fucking psychos that deserve each other that should both be sterilized because they're going to make an evil baby. So there you go. That's what you walked away from.

But as far as like, you know, at this point you want to move and start over, it all depends on what you got going on in your town. That's a pretty big move. You know, let a few days go by, see if you feel that again. Just really focus on the type of person that would do something like that. To really just go out of your way to hurt somebody. I've hurt a bunch of people in my life, but to go out of your fucking way. That's like the difference between first degree and second degree cuntiness there.

Whereas second degree, it just spontaneously happens. You guys got all this history and he just says something fucking horrible or starts chatting up some shit there at the bar. But to fucking sit there and methodically plan it out like that, that guy's a fucking psycho and congratulations to you that he's not in your fucking life anymore. Yeah. And don't fuck with his food. That's a petty thing too. That's bad, Con.

Fuck all that. All right. That's the podcast for this week. Thank you to everybody for listening. And thank you to the Writers Guild for letting me be a presenter. I actually really had a good time once I got out there. I had a good time. But other than that, I was like freaking out.

Like what the fuck am I doing here? And also please check out my YouTube page. Like I said, I'm really gonna start posting videos and all that shit up there. Maybe I'll take a couple of, I'll do a video or something at the Patrice O'Neill comedy benefit, some backstage shit or something like that. And once again, my YouTube page

is youtube.com slash user slash Monday morning podcast. Alright, go fuck yourselves and I'll check in on ya on Thursday. I like it Come on keep talking cause it's true Throw the sailors overboard Throw the salems overboard Throw the salems overboard Throw the salems overboard, overboard Come on, abuse me more I like it Come on, keep talking