Monday Morning Podcast - Spiritual Whores, Birds, Cleo's Legacy | Monday Morning Podcast 2-2-26

Episode Date: February 2, 2026

Bill rambles about spiritual whores, his top five birds, and Cleo's legay. Kalshi:  Download the Kalshi app and get $10 when you deposit with code BURR SimpliSafe:  Protect your home today and enjoy 50% off a new SimpliSafe system with professional monitoring at http://www.SimpliSafe.com/BURR Squarespace:  Go to http://www.Squarespace.com for a free trial, with code BURR to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.  

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Monday morning podcast for Monday, February 2nd, 2006. Good Lord, I forgot what year it was. What's going on? I'm why you? How's it going? How's things in your world?

Just so, you know, do you have a game plan? Like, what are you going to do with your day today? I love those fucking self-help people. You know, they act like they're trying to like. you know, improve your life. And the first thing they do is they bring stress into it. Seizing the day. To do what? What am I, why am I seizing the day? What, like ice? Am I taking the day and throwing it in a van and shooting somebody's unarmed mother? And then saying, fucking bitch, is that what I'm doing? Is that what I'm doing to the day? Am I seizing it?

What can I just sort of enjoy it? Yeah, where the fuck are you going with your season, your day? Mr. Spiritual. Look at you. You're so spiritual, you had to write a book about it. You ever think about that? This guy's like, fucking, or this lady, you know, or the they who writes the book is being all fucking spiritual and everything. But it's like, no, you went out, you went out and got a book deal. You somehow took spirituality. You know, I'm above all this capitalism, communism, whatever the fuck you

live in. You're above all of this shit. And you're just going to tap into the universe, man, right? And you're just sort of like breaking down the walls of the matrix, floating along the top of it, living your best life, right? Getting above the lies. Above the lies and below the flies. Chapter 3, hear me out. This thing, somewhere along the line, these spiritual horrors, and that's what they are because if you're just spiritual, that's all you would be. You wouldn't in the middle of it be like, you know what? This is a fucking book. I can sell this.

And then all of a sudden, you got like deadlines you got to meet when you got to bring your first draft in on how to be spiritual and be, you know. What did I just say? That's the name of the book. Above the lies and below the flies. Like, what does that even mean? It almost sounds like it means something. That's what you get. It doesn't quite make sense, so that makes you pick up the book.

And then I'm on the cover, and I got some dushy, like, really soft sweater. One of those sweaters that could also double as a blanket, you know, so I seem like I'm unassuming, you know? I act like I'm fucking one with people, even though I make, like, children or whatever the fuck they manufacture the book. They make the children work for nothing. There's a few of them out there. They like get right in people's faces. They start screaming and yelling at them. Like that nine-foot goof, whatever the hell that guy's name is.

He's like a giant good-looking guy. It's like if you took John Davidson and you made him nine feet tall, you know, and then he yells at you like a fucking NFL coach after you fucked up the play, changed it at the line of scrimmage and it didn't work and you turned the ball off. over. What the fuck is that guy? Tony Robbins. You ever seen that guy? Screaming at trailer park, people? The fuck is wrong with you. I always look at the people in the crowd thinking, like, haven't they been through enough? What do they need this giant, this fucking avatar, John Davidson coming out?

Man, I'm going to continue to say John Davidson until you guys look up and figure out who the fuck he is. I want to say he was on, that's incredible. That's incredible of real people. in my head both those shows there was a lot of overlap you know like Barney Miller and Fish they did a lot of spin-offs back in the day everybody keeps you know back in the day it was called a spin-off now they just do a reboot

it's like yeah I was going to do that over again back in the day you moved the characters forward because it was still grass out there in the fields you know now we've I think we just told every story so now we just got to you know that part in a relationship where your wife or your girlfriend's heard all your stories. And, you know, they have, she knows that you know,

and you start to tell the story again. And you just see it. You just see her slowly slipping away. And then, you know, there comes a move. Now, what do we do? We either got to break up, we got to have a kid. We got to move this thing forward. We can't keep rebooting this relationship with my fucking same old stories.

And if I have to listen to you one more time, talk about how your favorite fucking class and whatever the hell it was and how you want to get back to it. Whatever the fuck you were doing. Whatever the hell you were doing back there in your college days. A lot of sirens outside the window today.

It sounds like a chase. You live out here long enough, you know, the difference between, like, you know, they're responding to domestic violence or if they're actively chasing someone down the street. I can't tell you how many times I've heard that. And then I just put on the news

you hear them coming and you put on the news and they have like the live chase and the shit goes right by your fucking house I think like my act like that happens every week I've been out here for almost 20 years that's happened like three times though one of them times a guy fucking died

and I saw the dude drive by I didn't see the guy, saw the car go by and I think people do that a lot once they get fucking cornered they're just like why did I do that? Why don't I just pull over and they just keep going.

Well, now I'm just going to stay in the car. Now I'm going to act like I'm reaching for some, just having fucking kill me, and I just won't go to jail. Suicide by cop, I believe they call that. Suicide by cop when we return. Bill, you have a new book out above the lies and below the flies? Talk about that. What is that? You know what?

I got to tell you, it doesn't mean anything, but it sounds like it does. And I got a new sweater deal, and I'm just out here taking money from all. you bitches because as much as I'm acting like living a spiritual lifestyle is the way to go I'm going to make a bunch of money off of this book

and I'm just going to go buy a bunch of shit I don't need because I'm actually not spiritual. I'm trying to fill it up with stuff. Now this is why you know that story was bullshit because I just said I'm going to make a bunch of money off this book. Nobody makes a bunch of money off anything anymore in this business except for the two fucking nerds at the top.

You know why? Because the business is shrinking. That's what they say the business is shrinking. Are they saying that to you guys? Yeah, it's shrinking into your fucking back pocket, you greedy cunt. I'm really, oh man, you ever just look out a fucking window and it's like the most gorgeous view you've ever seen in your life but there's a giant bird shit right on the window. Hi, everybody. I'm Bill Burr, author of above the lies and below the flies. And I'm here to tell you that that is what life is. life isn't a perfect view out a hotel window.

Okay? The view is perfect, but there's going to be some bird shit. Okay? And rather than looking away from the bird shit, I want you to do something different, okay? Just hear me out. I'd like you to look into the bird shit and see life through that prism.

I don't know where I'm going with this, but that had to be at least three pages of bullshit. You ever think those guys just do that shit, those spiritual guys? they're like active in like an active toxic relationship themselves as they give you life advice and they just sit in there and they got a staring at a blank page they got fucking leaning back in the chair looking up at the ceiling trying to think how they can just keep spinning this fucking pizza dough they come in at about 180 190 pages so they can make this money

go to Vegas buy some coke get some whores go to the sphere see the eagles you know And then meanwhile, what are you doing? You're sitting there and you fucking jams, jams, right? Going through a breakup, reading this guy's bullshit. And you're like, I got to be more like this guy with this soft fucking sweater. You don't even realize that when you're reading it. All right?

He's eating some hooker's ass right outside a circus, circus. I'm sorry, people. I didn't mean to bring that level of reality to the podcast this early, but I just feel like I have a social responsibility in times like this. How the fuck did the bird even shit on this thing? It's like, it was like a drive-by shitting. Like he must have flown at the window. Last second, dead of 180.

But it's going down. It's going down, man. Better clear out. The shit's going down. It goes down the window. Wow, they shit all over these windows. You know what? I bet there was a nice tree here.

before they put this fucking thing up. It's just sort of a right of passage for these birds to come by and just shit all over it. You know? What are your feelings on birds? Some of them are cool. Some of them are dirty, man.

Dirty-ass fucking birds. So those dirty-ass birds. Like, what's your top five birds? You know? Like backed into a corner. Gun to your head. That's Paul Verre. as it likes to say.

Top five birds. All right. I'm going to go five down to one. All right. I'm going to go with the dove, not because it represents peace, just because it looks clean. You know what I mean?

I don't know how that bird keeps that clean, but like it's doing something right. So I feel like that bird is an adult. That's somebody number five. Okay, I don't think it represents peace. I think we projected that onto the bird rather than looking at our own bullshit while we keep having these false flag wars.

They're also big into magic. I don't know, but I feel like that's forced. There's a lot of doves in magic. And you think it's alive into the last second, they grab it by the legs and slam it down on the table, or is that rabbits? I can't remember. All right.

My next number four is a vulture, because it's an ugly red-headed bastard, so I relate to it. You know? And, you know, nobody's really picking it. And it's just got to kind of hang around. And when all the fucking cool shit is done eating, then it fucking comes in.

Do you know why a vulture has a bald head like me? It's a bald ginger, bald ugly ginger, just like me. Do you know why? It doesn't have any fucking feathers on top of its head? Because they're eating carcasses. And it's a way, like all the ver. the vermin and the shit that's already like the maggots

and all of that stuff when it's eating it it gets on its head but there's no feathers so the sun kills all those germs and the bird doesn't get sick something like that something like that

I don't know somebody told me that one time when I was drinking behind a library you know that never happened but whatever I figured what the fuck I found out about it

I always always these fucking apartment complexes. They always have like in the middle, in the middle is like a pool. So you can never enjoy it because there's all these balconies and everybody's looking down at the pool. And you're in the pool and you're trying to get in shape, but you're afraid to do the butterfly. You want to try it, but you just know that chick that you know you're not going to bang, but your ego says you have a shot might be watching so you don't try it. So what do you do? You just keep doing the breaststroke. You know, it seeps into your life. You stop growing as a person.

You know, in chapter five of above the lies and below the flies, I talk about having the courage to attempt the breaststroke in an apartment complex with the chick you want to bang, who isn't even there, but your head says she is, but you know you're not going to bang her, but your ego says you're going to. I teach you the tools on how to land that woman. If you just read my book by Chapter 8, he'll be fucking her in the hot tub, and you won't care if half the building's watching. Hi, I'm Bill Burr. I have a soft sweater and my legs are crossed. So you need to listen to me.

All right. So that was, what did I say? I said the dove. I said the vulture. All right, number three. I'd go with the Eagles, but I just heard their music. I'm sorry, so much. I just can't get past. No. There's got to be something cooler than that. You know, I'm not up on my birds. I know what my number one is. I mean, I definitely have to have like a fucking hawk in there, right? I'm not going to go with an eagle. You know what I mean? Eagles like the mainstream fucking choice. I feel like the hawk is the band that the Eagles stole from.

I don't know why I keep making fun of the Eagles. You know why? Because I got a peaceful, easy feeling. And I don't want to let you down. Because my own, when it ain't going. I got to go to the fucking sphere. I'm waiting for the right show. I'm nervous about going there.

Has anybody been to that thing? Okay, my number one bird, let me get back to that. My number one bird is an owl. I just like that shit they do when they feel threatened. And they fucking bring their wings up and they fucking, like, start rocking side to side. Like, you want some of this shit? Don't even think your friend's going to sneak up behind me. And you know why that's not going to have.

happen um yeah i would go with the owl i saw this thing today this fucking lady made a found a raccoon on the side of the road like a baby one and the thing was already is feral the right word it was already like an outdoor dog and this fucking lady the thing was like those things have a growl that i don't know i did not anticipate and they were basically turning this fucking thing into a dog. But it's a raccoon. So like, once the thing finally chills out and stops trying to give them rabies, now it's like in their cabinets.

And they're just living with this thing. And in your heart of hearts, you know what color these people are. I think that's a good example of white privilege. When your life, you just so don't have to worry about getting pulled over for no reason and ending up getting shot by people who are supposed to protect you. I think that your life gets boring after a while and you just go out and you seek, you just seek out danger. Like, I need some stories.

Like, I can't get pussy just being who I am. I need to talk about something loudly in the general vicinity of that chick who watches me attempt to breast or the fucking butterfly in the pool. So you got to do some dumb shit. You're not interesting. Okay? You need some sort of left turn in your personality, right? I grew up in the suburbs.

We played street hockey in a cul-de-sac. We had paper roots. We went to church on Sunday. And the chick's just like, you are drying up my pussy like the fucking Santa Ana wins right now. But I don't know where you just hit it with. Oh, and by the way, I have a pet raccoon. And I'm going to be honest with you.

As much as it's accepted me, I have no fucking idea what that thing's going to do from one moment to the next. And then all of a sudden, there's a hint of danger. Or she views you like there's something wrong with you. So that excites her. The challenge is if she can change you. You know, what if I can, you know,

this is a fixer-up. If I can just get this varmint out of his life, you know, maybe I can manipulate this guy like the Manchering candidate to go out and buy me all those whore bags. that all the ladies want, you know, with the shoes and all of that, the whore bags. They sell them on Rodeo. That's the code name for them in the industry, whore bags.

Because the whores love them. So what does she do? She gets into this fucking relationship with you and everything's going good. But, you know, she just keeps bringing up that raccoon and then it just becomes like an ultimatum. Like, look, either that fucking rabid, either that rat with hands leaves this fucking establishment, or I do. All right? I'm not asking for a ring here.

I'm just asking that we don't live with something that could give us diseases from the 1800s, okay? And then what happens? You get rid of that fucking raccoon. Raccoon's like, really, dude? Really? You're going to choose her over me? Who's going to eat Fritos with you while you watch stock car racing? And you're like, I know, but we're not fucking.

So you got to go, right? So you get rid of it. Or maybe you are. I mean, I don't know. I've never been, I've never been into the part, maybe I've driven through it, the part of America that tries to make a raccoon, a pet. So anyway, you get rid of this fucking raccoon, all right? And there's a sadness in your heart, but she's happy.

You know? and that's what a relationship is after a while, you know. The woman in your life, like her happiness, becomes like currency, a battery life on your phone. If she's fucking happy, you know you're going to have a good day. But if she's not happy, you're not going to have a good day, you know? It's one of those deals. It's called, that's chapter 9 in above the lies below the flies.

It's called the silent abuser. Can you imagine that dude later? Crying at the bar. Man, I had it all. I had a flat screen TV. I had a pet raccoon. I was immune to rabies. Yellow fever.

Bring it on. I don't give a shit. I got the antidote. Then you get rid of it. And then you just do what the fuck she says? And then what happens? She just gets bored of you. She just gets bored.

And then blames you. And just say you don't have any passion in life. And then you look at it one day and you say, bitch, My passion fucking walked out this tour three months ago and climbed up that fucking tree and I'd never seen it again. That was because of you. Well, if you didn't want to get rid of it, you should have said something. I'm fucking out of here. Next thing, you know, she starts banging the manager down at Applebee's.

And now you can't go there. Can't go out in the woods because it reminds you your fucking raccoon. You can't go to the Applebee's. Then there's only one thing left to do. Go out and buy yourself a copy of Above the Lies and Below the Flies. Anyway, did you guys watch the Bruins versus the lightning yesterday? I had a showbiz event yesterday, the Grammys. I had a great time at that.

So I came home during the middle. Grammys are fucking long. I know you see it on TV, but there's a whole other event where all the other shit, all the other ones that they have going on are happening. I came back to the hotel and I saw the second period. Well, I put it on. We were up fucking, we were up like five to one. And then it seemed like we took like 19 penalties in a row.

And I don't know, Castell is one of the most penalized guys in the league. I fucking love that guy, though. They were getting on him. Said he took a dumb penalty. I don't, I, that guy drops the gloves. He could score goals. I like him. I like him, you know?

And I don't mind having a guy on the team with a bunch of penalty minutes. I think it keeps the other team honest. So, anyway, yeah, I just felt like there was like four guys in the penalty. They ran out of places to sit for the Bruins. I think one of the most penalized teams, too. I was hearing all of this shit. And next thing, you know, they got like a five on three. They score on that.

Five on four, they score on that. And they score again, that's like five to four. And this big fight breaks out. fight. Swayman comes down with a stick hanging out of his pads and had a great goalie fight. David Posternock was miced up for it. He sounded just like a fan. He's like, oh, let him go. Let him go. He's like, yeah. The goalie fight is one of the greatest things in professional hockey. It just is. You know those things when they just take regular people? and they put them in fat suits

and they have them just like bounce off of each other. That's what it's like. Unless you're fighting like Patrick Waugh or his son, then they seem to take it way too seriously. Ron Hextal was another guy. I took it very seriously. It's like, dude, you're a goalie. You don't need to do this.

Okay? You have a waffle on your, you literally have a breakfast option on your forearm. Like nobody's expecting you to do anything crazy. But I feel like it's their moment because they always go back in between periods and these guys have dropped the gloves and fought and everything. You know, and it's a tough sport.

And as much as you're getting puck shot at you and it's a crazy job, I mean, you are sitting there dressed like you're going to rob the Bank of America and the Valley out here in Los Angeles, you know, in the late 90s. I'm always going to use that as a reference. You know, always going to use that as a fucking reference. That was heat after heat, but maybe even before heat. No, it was after heat. Anyway, and they just go at it, but it's just like, everybody's laughing.

That's got to be tough for the goalies. Like, you're out there probably to get punched in the mouth. And there's the thing, after you have your fight, you don't even get to go to the penalty box and, like, regroup, catch your breath. Somebody else goes in there for you. They're kind of like the toxic girlfriend of hockey players. It's like, you know, they're not held accountable for their actions. It's like, let me guess. When I get into a fight, I go to jail for five.

minutes and when you get in a fight I go to jail for you. Is that how it's going? Okay. Anyway, can't nobody tell me nothing? Sorry, I don't want that fucking head is in my... I can't figure out why that song is in my head. That's what I'm trying to say. So yesterday I watched something, uh, oh, let's, let's talk about the Grammys a little bit more. I saw, uh, I went to a party and I saw, uh, Clips with John legend, which was fucking amazing. And then, like, everybody else, I watched the Grammys. If you're into it, you watched it.

I thought the Ozzie tribute with Post Malone slash, Duff, I thought that that was amazing. And what else? The fucking Lauren Hill tribute to DeAngelo and Roberta Flack, John Batisse, Wycliffe, Jean. Shaka Khan. I don't know how to see anybody's fucking name anymore. I'm old.

I thought it was great. And the new artists and everything. I thought it was really good. It's always really long, but I enjoyed a lot of that. What of talented people. I'll tell you, there was a lot of talent on the fucking Grammys last night. Chad Smith on drums. Can't forget that.

And also the pressure for Post Malone singing in front of Sharon Osborne and the kids and they're all crying and stuff. You've got to be like, man, I better not fuck this up. And then I also, I watched on AMC, Rise of the 49ers. I watched that. And it was the most random commercial ever for Los Angeles. And I really feel it's because our president has everybody fucking terrified. They had like this commercial for like custom cowboy hats and cowboy boots and they branded them with horseshoes and I'm like,

who the fuck is buying that shit in LA? It was like a local commercial if you were like in like Oklahoma or some shit. Anyway, I've just noticed that lately. Like everybody's just kind of like all these cell phone commercials. I'm out here in the middle of nowhere. Something about being out here in the middle of nobody lies to you out here. That fucking bullshit. which then just sent me down this rabbit hole of like country stars like why country stars wear cowboy hats

it's like you're not a cowboy you're not on a horse it's not raining out why are you wearing a cowboy hat and cowboy boots um it's an aesthetic right and it's like well you know it's a tribute to my roots and the old West and all of that shit. It's like, all right, well, you know, I'm from Massachusetts. I don't run around wearing a fucking powdered wig holding up a lantern. Singing

Aerosmith. Just standing there dressed like Paul Revere. Every time that I look in the mirror. Hey, y'all, just fucking giga-d-d-d-d-d-a-woo. Is there anything? more phony than a family values country music star oh my god that's got to be exhausting to be like

that fucking upbeat i just can't thank y'all enough for coming out here tonight and jesus i'm just fucking you know what i mean and who way i'll tell you i'll bet the spurs on my boots there's never been a nicer fucking crowd than you bunch of fucking hillbilly cunts you got to to do it every night. Just ball-washing these fucking hicks. I don't know who started it. I don't know who started that shit.

How did you go from Hank Williams who could barely fucking stand up? Thinking about how lonely he was. That fucking guy died at 29. Drank himself to death of 29. I mean, that's one of those, you know, that's a tough thing to do. I wonder if you do that and you meet God.

He just is like, wow, man. You can fucking. and what are you doing here? What's supposed to be here for another 40 years? Can't nobody tell me none? Hey, y'all. I just want to take time out. It's been a tough year for a lot of y'all.

It's been tough on everybody. I just want to take time. You don't have to finish the set. People are already clapping. I just want to take time out to thank the first responders and the troops and the priests and the doctor. They're the real heroes. You know, I'm just, I'm just a fella up here with the guitar.

Second the show ends you having like a fucking foursome. Doing blow off a saddle. Just got that voice in the back of your head. How long can I, how long can I keep this fucking going? How long can I keep spinning the, the fucking lie of being wholesome? Well, you know, if you pick up my book above the lies and below the floor, all right, I think I've burned that joke out. All right.

Can nobody tell me no. All right. Cal she. Oh, this episode is sponsored by Calci. Calci. That sounds like the name of like a female cop show in the 70s. This week on Calci. She ain't taking any shit because we've co-opted woman's lip,

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Like simply safe. I can tell you what, if you have a fucking raccoon for a pet, you don't need Simply Safe. Can you imagine sneaking in there and hearing that growl? And I'll tell you something about the raccoons, okay? I'll tell you something right now about those fucking raccoons. as the kids say, they want that smoke.

Raccoons do not backed out. Every once in a while you'll see a couple of coyotes will corner one and it's like they really got to sit there and be like do I want to deal with this? Is this worth it?

You know what I mean? When I could just go eat somebody's Lopsa or Opsa or whatever the fuck you say in the name of that dog. One of those lap dogs. It's like a slider for a coyote, you know. I think that's what coyotes eat every night. They go out and they try to get like those, you know, those little white dogs, they're all poofed out and their hair hangs down. You can't even see their legs moving. They just sort of fucking glide across the floor, Pomeranian. Like if there was a coyote restaurant and they could fucking sit at the bar and order some sliders.

It's like, yeah, let me get one Pomeranian, one fucking Lops, ops. and give me a chihuahua. Yes, extra spicy. Thank you. Right? Kind of beer with a coyote drink. Some Americans, that's like a Budweiser. They'd have like a Budweiser.

A wolf would drink of Guinness, you know, a little more elevated in the canine world. Is the wolf at the top of that shit? I have no idea. Talking a lot about animals this week. I don't know why. All right, Squarespace. SquareSpace is the all-on website platform.

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I can't thank you all enough for coming out to Squarespace.com. Well, you guys, we couldn't do it for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, use Offer Code Burr B-U-R to save 10% off your first purchase of a website. site or a domain. All right. And with that, I think it's time to find out what the fuck you guys have to say this week. I don't know why I am in this mood right now. Just in a dumbass mood. You know what it is? I have a lot of shit to do today. And this is supposed to be my day off. This is like a day for me. Monday. Monday's my one day off for the week. Just like when I was, oh, Glank Gary, I had Sundays off. But now I have now I, now I, now I don't.

do because I get the weekend. I got the kids. So after working all week, then, you know, then you do the kid thing, baseball and all of that shit. And then Monday they go to school. So then I don't do any showbiz shit on Monday, but I'm doing my podcast. You know what I mean? So like, what the fuck am I talking about? What should be the name of this episode of my podcast? What are you talking about, Bill? All right, Cleo's Legacy. Hey, Pitt Bill. I was listening to your last MMP and you mention how you still yell out. Oh, Cleo! When you pass by the vet.

It's obviously you still missing lover. Oh, that dog was the best. That dog was the fucking best to me and my wife and my mother-in-law. Everybody else had tried to kill. I've attached a picture of my dog, Missy. Wait a minute. I got to see the picture. Where's the picture?

Oh. What a good-looking dog. All right. It's sort of like, I would say, butter brown on top with white in its face and white on the bomb. Oh, my goodness. I would spoil the hell out of that dog. You got to love it. The two things that human beings did right, music and dogs.

You know, take that God. We fucking did a little remix on your fucking wolves and look what we came up with. Best friend you're ever going to have. All right. Tatch the picture of my dog, Missy, beautiful dog, that we got from a pit bull rescue. I just want you to know that she's the most spoiled dog in the world. Well, I can tell it's sitting on your chair next to your computer. And it's all because of you, or should I say, it's all because of Cleo. Let me explain.

Years back, I heard your bit about Cleoio. Oh, Cleo. And I used to do that. I'll be laying on the couch, and she'd be in another room, and I would just yell, Oh, Cleo! And I'd hear her immediately get up. She'd come running in the room. She'd dive on the couch and watch TV with me.

When she'd fall asleep within a minute. All right. Sorry. Years back, I heard your bit about Cleo, and I thought it was hilarious. So I showed it to my wife, and she thought the same thing. A week later, we started fostering pit bulls. Then we got Missy, fell in love, and adopted her. Fast forward a few months when I took her to a dog part,

and I met another pit bull owner. After a few minutes, the guy asked me if I had heard your story about pit bulls. It turns out he also got a pity because of that bit. Get out of here. He also told me I'm the second person that he's met who got a pit bull because of the Cleo story. I imagine there are many more pit bulls who were rescued after they heard that bit. I fucking love those dogs. I thought you would enjoy knowing that you're responsible for saving so many pit bulls,

and that has become Cleo's legacy. Thanks for all the laughs and go fuck yourself. Oh, that's amazing. Oh my God. That's also like the perfect-sized dog, like to wrestle with, to hug, you know? I used to, like, spoon with Cleo, and I would give her a hug, and she'd go,

and then I'd let go, and then I'd hug again, like every time. Fucking come home off the road, and I remember I would have to, like, she would be so excited, and her head was like a fucking wrecking ball. I'd have to like sort of like wrangle her and like hug her and then get my head in real close behind her head

because she would go to bring it up. And I mean one time I didn't quite get it in there and she brought her head up, slammed into my fucking right ear. I had the weirdest bruise. It was like the top of my ear into my head. Like I got hit with a fucking pipe or something. Yeah. I fucking went down that day in a heap.

Remember, I was on my front porch. My luggage tipped over. I went down and then Cleo was still excited with that big stupid paintbrush tongue licking the side of my face. And I was just like, all right, dude, just let me get in the fucking house. Anyway, I miss that dog. Well, you know what? We're thinking about getting a dog. I think the kids are big enough at this point.

we got them up and going and stuff. My lovely wife has been talking lately, you know, because my son is like five and a half now. So she wants another baby, but, like, we're not having another baby, so she wants something little to take care of, so we're thinking about a dog. That's what we were doing last night. We were watching, like, videos of the kids when they were little.

Got to take long videos, everybody. Take long videos. don't take short quick ones. You're going to love it. You go back and you just sit there and you watch them for hours. It's fucking awesome. All right. Plowing your head here. Workless job. Hey, Bill, I just read this great story about this guy. All right. So now I'm going to read it to you guys. Oh, you fucking whore. Keeps going back up to the top there. Then I got to scroll down and it just causes a big fucking lull. Huh? Are you talking to me? Oh, it's all right. The lovely knee on the other room. In 2003, a scientist named Edward McSwegan.

I miss great fucking ethnic names. Edward McSwegan exposed a bizarre case of waste within the United States government. For seven years, he commuted to his office every day, only to sit in an empty room with absolutely no work assigned to him. He was earning a salary of roughly $100,000, which was a significant amount of public money at the time. After a disagreement with his superiors, he was stripped of his duties. What the fuck was the argument about it?

He had nothing to do. He was stripped of his duties but could not be fired due to rigid labor protections. Instead of working, he spent his days writing science fiction novels, exercising at the gym and reading. Is there anything stupid government or bloated companies can't justify? Yeah, I don't know. But like that guy, why the fuck would he write a book exposing? What he was doing?

That's weird. That's like, I remember one time I saw this documentary called Rich Kids. And it wasn't just, you know, some douche who turns 16 and gets a BMW. for his birthday. These people were like heirs to the Johnson and Johnson, you know, those Blue Blood families. They all lived out in Long Island for whatever fucking reason. And they were out there. And their whole life works was to basically not get kicked out of the will and kiss the ass of the oldest relative who also did the exact same thing and hasn't done shit with their life. So they have to like do shit like take fencing classes to become a proper gentleman and all of this crap and

I remember one of the kids they live in this ridiculously huge fucking house that was kind of like it was a mess and he was talking to his dad who would paint all day and he was talking to him about like not having a purpose and not really like what are you doing and you'll let doesn't that bother you and he was just sort of like really uncomfortable with the questions he goes, no, you know, I just don't think about it. It's really weird.

Like just to have like, you have like no drama but just like this haunting boredom. I kind of feel like that guy was able to live that life. Anyway, so getting back to this story that this person told you is

the reason why nothing works is because I just feel like whatever is trying to be accomplished, there's always that point where whoever's working on the project or is working their way up in a company, there becomes a point where you have to pour something in the water supply. You know, I'm using that as a metaphor. But in all decent people like, I'm not doing that. I couldn't sleep at night if I did that. So all of those people either don't advance beyond that level of the company or they're fired. But the people that go, I'll fucking do it.

I don't give a shit. Those are the people that achieve and move up in the business world. They're fucking reptiles. And then they just create all of these fucking laws. Like if you really look at a lot of the laws, they protect lying and stealing and pieces of shit. I keep alluding to this. Like somebody ripped me off really bad in this business. And then came up with some stupid fucking cost report to try to cover their tracks, which was bullshit.

So they whittled this huge number down to like fucking 600 bucks. So I'm like, keep you 600. And I said to my lawyer, I'll just go around telling everybody that this guy's a fucking thieving piece of shit. And my lawyer goes, be careful with that. And I said, why is that? He goes, because it's way easier to prove defamation of character than it is to prove that somebody stole from you. And that's because thieves write the fucking laws.

So all he has to do is just come up with some bullshit cost report. Like, oh, it was 40 grand for this pencil. And you were using the lamp in my office. They just do shit like that. And it's comical what they write down. But it's, you know, it's enough for doubt, reasonable doubt. So then you can't prove. And then they can turn around after they stole from you,

then sue you again for telling the truth about their stealing. so there you go those are the people those are the people that get us into wars those are the people that uh you know stoke the fires of racism and all that that's racism exists

so that a small group of white people or whoever's running shit whatever country you're in i'm not saying just white people do it is like they can keep all of it like right now it is so fucking blatantly obvious that there is people at the top that are just

wild list rich beyond like the amount of new billionaires it's just out of fucking control and they got everybody you know they got enough people upset at people who aren't white who have no citizenship and have no fucking money and saying they're the reason why they're the reason why you can't afford a fucking house it's not me who writes himself a hundred million dollar fucking bonus because i fired 3,000 people and put them out on the street. It's not me. You know, it's that fucking person working on a farm.

It's just the dumbest shit ever. But it makes stupid people feel good. Mileage tax. A Billy West Coast. Lifelong California here. Did you hear that a mileage tax initiative passed the California Senate? Well, we don't control

money supplies, so they just keep bleeding as dry, so they just have to keep having more and more taxes. But they won't. People who watch Fox News will blame this state. This fucking state's fucking crazy. I love also the myth of the move to this

state. There's no income tax. Oh, yeah? So what? Everybody just keeps the state going for free? I can't imagine how many extra taxes you're paying to pay for your fuck. If you don't have any potholes in your road. They're taking it out of some, people don't fill holes for nothing. Anyway, the bills, I think it, like, no state income tax is great if you're making, like,

fucking zillions of dollars, then it makes sense because you don't give a shit, you know, about paying, you know, an extra occupancy tax or whatever the fuck they do in your hotel room or whatever bullshit thing that they, boss hog thing, it doesn't make sense. But if you're actually a working person, to go to a state where there's no state income tax, It's like they're still going to fucking, you know, bend you over and drop your pants every time you're something. You can't run a state with no money. They got to get it somewhere. That's like when, like, the car dealers go like, I don't give a shit, what condition your used cars in?

We'll give you five grand for it. You're like, five grand, my car's worth 500 bucks. I'm going to go in there. I'll be up $4,500. Now, they move the numbers around and they still end up fucking you. Anyway, that's my theory. I'm sure I'll hear it from people in no income tax states telling me that that's not the case. And I'll be open to the information because you know what?

I just got to tell y'all from the top of my cowboy hat down to my boots. I love y'all, love Jesus. The bill says that California will explore how to implement and control a mileage tax so that you pay attacks on every mile you drive. No exceptions for small businesses who already have thin margins. Couple this with the law that says all new cars sold after 2035 in California have to be electric vehicles. You really understand they're trying to push poor people out of the state. Why would they try to be pushing poor people on the state? The same government that pretends to care about migrant workers are ignoring the fact that people drive 50 plus miles into

rich areas to perform service jobs. We pay our higher gas tax than any state already. It's very evil to nickel and dime working class people while also being irresponsible with money. I agree with all of that. Here are some examples. 32 billion on COVID relief fraud, 18 billion on fraudulent high-speed rail project payments, 40 billion missing in homeless relief funds. None of this money is actually missing. It's just giving to middlemen who launder it and make their rich friends richer.

I know, this is amazing. You know, the amount of people upset about comedy festivals, I can't imagine what they're going to say when they hear about this. California has a rich history of road travel and classic sports cars and people who don't understand what makes this state great are ruining it. Well, what it is, sir or ma'am, you've got to look at the bigger picture is that we have been in overseas in Iraq, how much money that that we've been there for 25 fucking years. We are absolutely bankrupt.

We don't control our own currency. that's been privatized. And what it is is they just have to keep passing the fuck over. The fuck over rolls downhill. So that's what's happening. So it's not any specific state. We're all screwed. And what's even worse is now they have us rooting against states.

Like there's a lot of red states that like hate California. I don't know why. There's a lot of people, you know, in liberal states that hate Texas. in Florida. It's like, dude, you're rooting against people on your own team. And this is exactly what they want. I feel they're just trying to destabilize all of this because

what our foreign policy has done to the countries around the world, we're running out of countries to do it too, so now they're going to do it here. And the New World Order is going to be a bunch of fucking nerds and politicians that go around, evidently, going to islands, doing God knows

what are going to have all the money and we won't have any private property or anything like that and then they work in the robots and then the robots just go in and start killing us and there's only one person to blame for all this and that is god all right they're always like patting them on the fucking back for making this shit in six days it's like you know what if you didn't just slap it together in six days what if you took maybe a couple of weeks What if you thought about it, you know? I don't know. I think that we're here, our sole purpose, you know,

everything has a beginning, middle, and an end, and we're here to make sure that there's no difference with this planet. Or we're just part of a cycle of this planet just continuing to just regenerate itself. Like, I feel like in the future, like, micropastics are going to be like microbiotics for the next thing that comes out of the ground. Like, I add that theory that, like, water is the toxic waste from the last people that polluted it from whatever the fuck it was before. But, you know, as you can tell, I have no science background. Oh, really, Bill?

Did you really need to tell us that with your fucking cockamamie bullshit here? Cockermamey. Did I just say that? Oh, Jesus. All right. Last thing here. imagined troubles. Dear Billy Booda balls,

this Billy 2.0 version of you taking life as it comes and not freaking out is really great, man. Thank you. It's been fun. I've been working a ton of myself in recent years and realizing that all the bullshit just isn't worth it. Life is rad and we should enjoy it more. Something you mentioned on a recent podcast is that you can sometimes,

is that you can sometimes interpret a situation in your own mind and go down the rabbit hole. of making it a big negative deal when it isn't. One of the things that has been inspiring to me during this introspective time of my life is the philosophy of stoicism. I like who he sounded out for me, stoicism, in which I read a line by the philosopher Seneca. Don't suffer imagined troubles,

which encouraged us to stay in the now and not be bothered by what may or may not ever have. happen. That's some good advice. While doing my best to avoid social media garbage these days, following this page or signing up for their mailing list is a great way to get many reminders

like the one from Seneca to help us reflect on life that any of us can appreciate. Cheers, dude, keep it up. Or else you can just like get the book. You could read Stoicism, right? I would think. I don't fucking know.

Anyway, that's the podcast, everyone. Oh, I was supposed to read. Am I supposed to read? This kind of reads just like a free advertisement for this Instagram page. I don't know. Just look up Stoicism, everybody. You can get all of these quotes. All right.

That is the podcast, everyone. Thank you for listening and all of that shit. Go fuck yourselves. I'll check in on you on Thursday, and I promise I'm going to get some. tour dates. I keep saying I'm going to have these things. I'll have these things up soon. And old Billy's going to get out there with this, I got this weird act now. Half of it was written by the angry guy and now the other half is this fucking goofy dude that I am now. That talks about

raccoons for a fucking half hour. All right, I'll talk to you Thursday.