Monday Morning Podcast - Surveillance, Rebellion, The Social Reckoning | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 9-3-26

Episode Date: September 3, 2026

Bill rambles about being corporate surveillance, rebellion, and his new film "The Social Reckoning".(00:00) - Thursday Afternoon Podcast(29:19) - Thursday Afternoon Throwback 9-13-18 - Bill rambles about football, dancing, and solar energy.SimpliSafe: Celebrate their anniversary with us and save 60% on your new SimpliSafe system at SimpliSafe.com/BURR.CashApp: Download Cash App today.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcast. And I'm just checking it on you. Just checking in on you. Seeing how your week's going. Dude, it's fucking Thursday. It's fucking Thursday, dude. Do you see that guy from Bank of America got stabbed in Times Square? you know and people were like oh my god is it another fucking luigi thing it's like no he just walked through time square like what would the odds be granted i don't know where the guy works i don't know if he works in time square but like what somebody just standing there wanting to fucking try to kill that guy just stands in time square like every day someday someday something

Someday that banker, son of a bitch, is going to come through here. And I'm going to get him. I probably should have read up on that story. Same way I should have read up when I said, hey, you know, Red Sox won two and Yankees won two. You know, a good series. I didn't see us get totally fucked on that catch. Did they go to replay in that didn't?

Did they go to replay in New York? And for some reason, they couldn't see that that was a catch? Anyway. Anyway, old Billy trying to stay chill. Trying to fucking relax, man. I got my wife's car yesterday. She has one of these fucking electric surveillance vehicles that literally listens to your conversations.

I don't know where, like, this voice just goes, what can I help you with? So I get in the cow with my daughter, and I'm in her car. I can't turn on the radio. I can't play any music. I can't do any of that unless I sign in and let the car know who I am. It's fucking unbelievable.

Listen, I get liberals not pushing back against this. But where are all you fucking guys on the right? Like, you know, I want to live in the middle of nowhere and no government. Nobody telling me what to do. And I got my gun collection in case there's a tyrannical. government and but what the fuck are you waiting for they got us all bug like we're fucking john gawdy john gawdy and his uh what they call it a social club why are they paying attention to us every fucking place we go why isn't anybody talking about it in politics why aren't they

saying fucking why are you spying on your own people i remember when i grew up They would talk about this shit in communist countries, going, you can't say anything, you can't do anything. They fucking listen to your phone calls. They know what you're up to. Vans pull up and they just kidnap people. I mean, all of that shit is going on right now. And all of these fucking gun nuts sitting there silently. How about these fucking idiots, Americans now waving like Nazi flags?

I wish there was still some veterans alive from World War II. I wish they could look them in the eye that that's what the fuck they did, that they sided with these. You're siding with people that put children in ovens. I don't, I don't, well, I do get it. People will believe, like, you know why your life sucks? Because of this.

Because of that. And as long as it isn't you, you're like, yeah. Not only is it that, it's all that. It's not a douche who happens. to be that. It's all of them. I mean, it really is amazing what white Anglo-Saxon

Protestants have actually gotten away with this country and who they've been able to blame. Blacks, Jews, Chinese, Mexicans, you fucking name it. Anybody but themselves. They're like the ultimate I'm not saying all of them. I'm just saying the

ones that put on the goat heads, you know, that are attracted to children. Those ones. What they have been able to get away with. No, no, it's down over there. It's down over there. My favorite thing is when you have a billion dollars and then you're blaming people who collectively don't have a billion dollars. And they're the reason why, you know, everything's so fucking expensive. I don't know. You know what, big government in your life? That was the best one. We were all. like, yeah, yeah, get the government out of my life. That wasn't for us.

That was for them. That was to deregulate capitalism so they could do whatever they wanted and buy up all the media. I am convinced, though, when they lost public support for the Vietnam War and then a few years later,

Nixon got taken down by two journalists during the Watergate thing. That's something. They were like, fuck this. This is not, free press is not happening anymore. and they went in. And they went in and they bought the whole fucking thing up and now look at it.

Now we're all screaming at each other. And we've all read, all read 1984. And here we are doing it. Anyways, let's get to something a little less, a little less heavy. I finished that tour, Spokane, Washington.

It had a great time. Absolutely gorgeous city. And when you have a gorgeous city, something has to balance it out. You know what I mean? how would you know what a beautiful day was if there wasn't an awful day? So the balance of Spokane, Washington is Ted Bundy and that Rachel Delisa. It's Doliza.

Remember that white woman who claimed she was black and she somehow ended up running the NACP up there? Oh, by the way, I watched, I didn't want to watch it. but Nia put it on. So I was like, all right, I watch as much as this as I could handle. And it was a documentary about that Australian break dancer, who I felt bad for because everyone was making fun of her. And then I watched like 10 minutes of the documentary. I'm like, oh, I don't feel those feelings anymore.

I just found an indignant, arrogant ass. It's just like, you know, one of the ways to be successful, in your life is you have to take an honest look at yourself and admit when you suck at something. So then you won't waste any more time doing it. There's one thing like I'm not good at it yet, but I'm making incremental progress. But when you just like absolutely suck at it,

it's almost like, you know, remember the first week on American Idol? And there'd all be all these tone deaf people that would just 100% convinced that they could sing. And when the judge was like, no, that was terrible. And that Simon guy would be, that's one of the awful, dreadful,

what of the most terrible things I've ever heard. You can't sing. And they'd be sitting there going, I can't sing. My mother said I can sing, I can sing. They were like brainwashed.

I feel like somebody along the way told this woman that she could break dance. Someone important to her told her. I don't know. I literally watched, I could get through like six minutes of it. And then there was some sort of collective

break dancing thing that was going on in Australia and it looked like the Charlie Brown kids dancing and it's the exact reason why I didn't want to watch it. It's like I don't want to watch us do this again. Let's just stick to what we're good at. Anyway, did anybody watch the MotoGP this past week? I'm going out on a limb here and I'm going to say lap seven was the lap of the year.

Mark Marquez and Marco Poscheki racing side by side. Was it the back straightaway or the front? I can't remember. They were going like 210 miles an hour, side by side, bumped into each other twice. And Marquez got the better of them. And Pedro Acosta was right behind the two of them. They're going 210 miles and

hour and you know like when you're in traffic and you're trying to decide which lane's going to go first Pedro guessed right and got in the slipstream behind uh marquez and they both passed besec at the last second slammed on the brakes and went into the turn it was fucking unbelievable one of those get up off the couch things um that mark marquez picked up a bunch of points. He won the sprint and he won the race. So I think he picked up, I don't know how many points he picked up on Jorge Martinez

so we shall see. Next race should be huge if you want to fucking check it out. Also, I've been advised to stay away from ground beef for the next three months because somebody took a payoff to bring poison

food into their own country. Like, shouldn't you be going to jail for fucking treason? when you do something like that? It's unbelievable. You know what it is? When you have enough money, the thing about making a bunch of money

is you've got to pull other people into the sinister shit that you're doing. That way, everybody protects you because if you go down, they go down. And then all of a sudden, you know, somebody has to conveniently commit suicide in jail. But if you're an individual, if you're like a stand-up comedian

and you go to an event or a festival, you're going to get tarded feather because nobody's tied to you, or if you hoard hand sanitizer, everybody flips the fuck out as an individual. And then meanwhile, the pharmaceutical industry can sell fucking leukemia pills for $640 a whack. Not a word is said about it.

I don't know. It's fucking strange. So I think in the future, because they're going to know where we all are and what's going on at all times, They'll think you won't be able to rebel. But I think, like, human beings, if we could just get on the same fucking page, regular people,

is we should just have, like, days or weeks we just reject technology. Like, nope, everybody just shuts their fucking phone off, you know, for like a fucking week. Like, yeah, we're not doing this. You're not listening to us. You're not following us. You need to, and you have demands. You need to fucking no more of this and no more of that, right?

I don't know. I don't know how to fucking do it. Is there a way to do it with the Gandhi way without the bloodshed? Because I feel like that's what we're headed towards. Oh, this is fantastic. This is fun Thursday. Fun Thursday conversation.

Well, football's back, baby. Last week was the first week. College football. So this week, will, in fact, be the second. I don't know when NFL starts. I'm guessing it starts this Thursday or next Thursday.

I have no idea. I got to bring back anything better with Paul Verzi, which I'm really looking forward to, because the last time you saw Paul Verzi on the Anything Better podcast, he was a long-suffering New York Knicks fan. And now I get to finally ask him, do you think that the New York Knicks can repeat as NBA champions? Oh, Billy Wurley Bird went on a fucking helicopter flight yesterday.

I've flown a disgustingly low amount of hours this year, but I just so happened. I finished two different movie scripts in the last week, and my schedule opened up. And I did like a 2.1, which is two hours and six months. minutes solo flight around beyond the LA basin went all the way out to like riverside then all the way back along past Corona past Fullerton up the five the Alameda Corridor. past the crypto currency staple center

over to the blue whale out to fucking Santa Monica all the way up to Barbara Streisand's house in Malibu banged the fucking right up over the Santa Monica Mountains and into Camarillo, man. It was fucking fun.

It was really good time. I'll tell you what's wild is when you go over Pacific Palisades now. It literally looks like it's like this whole new construction. Like just this whole new development. It's fucking crazy.

That's another thing too. You know, they gave all of that money. Millions and millions and millions and millions and millions of dollars to help the people out there in the Palisades. And it just disappeared. No one can say where it is. That's why, like my new fucking. fucking thing, you know, this charity's like that you can vet, like St. Jude is a great one.

You can trust that one. But, you know, I got burned a long time ago with those fucking wounded warrior guys. You know, I was giving like 10% of my ad money from the podcast. And then all of a sudden, the whole family's on 60 minutes. They all got brand new F-150s. So recently I had something, a gig, and they were like, do you want to give a dollar of each ticket to help out people in blah, blah, blah, blah. And the old me used to always be like, yeah, okay. But then I went like, well, what's the charity? Who's holding the money?

Do I write the check? That's like when you go to the supermarket. You want to, you know, do you want to donate a dollar to this fucking thing? There's no way you're following up on a dollar to see where the fuck it went. It's genius. And then it gets into the charity. and then it's all the infrastructure. That happened to us years ago.

I was just like, you know, the public schools were shit in the bed. And I was with some other comedians. I go, why don't we just pick a public school, we'll do a benefit, we'll give them money, and blah, blah, blah. You literally can't do it. They won't let you do it. You can raise money for public schools, but it has to go into the main branch,

and then they decide which schools need it first. Like, you can't just be like, all right, well, there's a public school down the street, from where I live. Every year I'll do a show for them. You can't do that. What I learned what you can do is you can go out and buy a bunch of supplies,

you know, whatever they need. And you can give that directly to the school. But you can't, like, whatever. If the roof was leaky, you know, a bunch of commerce could do like a benefit and let's fix the fucking roof. No, can't do that. Goes into the main thing.

And then there's the infrastructure. There's all people's salaries and all of that. And I just think people can't resist it. They just fucking take it. So my new thing, when people ask me that, and I'm not going to get into what the charity was because I don't want a bunch of wing nuts coming at me pretending that they're in the situation that I'm trying,

you know, to do a small part in, I find, I go, all right, what is the thing? Okay, find me an individual family that directly suffer from this. and the donation I make, I just give it all to them. That's the new way to go. And I'll probably still get burned. I mean, it's fucking wild.

It's the fucking Wild West out there. You get a white woman that was running the NWACP chapter of Spokane, Washington. Do you think she went on the internet every day trying to pick up some new slang? So she'd, you know, come off as like fucking, she's all up in the culture. Anyway, oh, Billy Freckles, I got a movie coming out. The fuck is it called? The Facebook, the social reckoning is coming out next month. So I'm going to have to do some press for that thing.

And I believe it starts next week. So I'm very excited about it. Just to give you a little bit of backstory on it. it is written and directed by Aaron Sorkin so I got to work with him which is fucking unbelievable and um I've read a lot of great scripts in my life gotten to be a part of some projects that had great scripts and everything I don't think I ever read something like this I remember when it came in it was 145 pages and I was just like oh my god this is going to take me a week because I read really slow. I'm better now. Now that I got rid of the anger and a lot of shit like that, I'm able to

focus a lot more. But I was sitting there going like, all right, this is going to take me three, four nights. I just start doing the math. All right. Four into fourteen is three, two left over, 25. I got to read about 38 pages. All right. 38 pages over the next three, four nights and I'll fucking get this thing done, right? I sat down and in one sitting, I was able to read. It was like a fucking snowball just running it down, rolling down the hill. And I got to work with all of these amazing actors.

And I don't know. I'm always excited when I got something come on, but I'm a little extra excited because I just, I was watching the work that everybody was doing. I was only on it for six days, but I was watching everybody and everybody was really fucking on their game and it was a fun.

It was a really fun shoot. I had six days on it and it was six days in a row. It was amazing. I worked Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday. And then I was done. And we shot up in Vancouver and I found all these great coffee shops and my lovely wife came up there

and of course she finds all the restaurants. and Vancouver became one of my favorite cities just in like, I was a little more than six days because they got me up there. I had to do the fitting of the wardrobe and all of that bullshit. So anyway, oh, Billy, oh, Billy the beluga whale, the white whale, it's not a fat fuck anymore.

This diet has been amazing for me. Yesterday was a day when I only, yesterday was the day, Today is the greatest. You know, there's a lot of songs like that. You know, fucking, yesterday all my troubles seem so far away

That's the original lyrics that Paul wrote Fucking yesterday Roy, fucking yesterday, mate All my troubles seemed so far away Then who was two day That was smashing pumpkins My stepbrother, Billy Corrigan Fucking douche

We never got along Um Whatever it's out there, who cares And then, uh, there's got to be another one. There's got to be some fucking white woman anthem. That's got like some sort of. Oh, when that song came out. When badda da babbub, you're like, oh no.

There's going to be a lot of sultry white woman dancing. Let's go, girls. Huh? Oh, hey, NeNe. D-D-D. And then yesterday. There you go. What was the name?

What was her name? Maria Montrose. What was her name? Shania Twain. Shania Twain. Oh, she, yeah. Okay. What kind of keyboard effect is that? The beginning?

That's a guitar? I thought that was a keyboard. I don't ever need to hear that song again. They kind of overplayed it. Did you feel like a word? when you listen to that song? I did. So anyway,

yeah, I've been doing the eating two meals a day, no snacks in between. And going for my old man walks. Underrated, eating right and just going for walks and not beating the shit out of yourself at a gym. No pain, no gain, all of that fucking crap. Not drinking chemicals, thinking all of those powders that you get at fucking GNC are actually helpful not helpful healthy

I don't know what what any of that stuff is and what it's been mashed up in all of this stuff I'm telling you I'm fucking telling you right now fucking yesterday weed used to come out of the ground and you had to smoke all day then you got real high and you said fucking hey let's Go to McDonald's and get Chinese food afterward. Now I think it's like all chemicals. The packaging and all of that. It's just like, the whole game in all of that shit is like, they're like drug dealers where it's like, all right,

we got a kilo of cocaine. What can we put into this to make it two kilos? That's what they do. And what it is is they just put a bunch of chemicals in there. These fucking bastards. they're going to do it to fucking mushrooms next and that's going to be the end of it. They just take everything and they fucking ruin it. And nothing happens.

But if you hoard hand sanitizer, everybody's going to know you. As an individual. That's how the game works. All right. Let's do some of the reads here. Oh, look who it is, everybody. Simply safe. Here's the thing about home security systems.

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interlude. The music picked out by the amazingly talented Andrew Themilis. And then we'll have a bonus episode of the Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcast to follow. That's it. Enjoy the football this weekend. Have a great weekend. You cut. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrd. It's time for the Monday morning podcast. For Monday, September 3rd, 2018. What's going on? How are you? Oh, happy Labor Day to you. Happy fucking Labor Day to you. Happy fucking Labor Day, you.

Cubicle dwelling car. Happy fucking Labor Day to you. How many fucking podcasts are out there wishing you? Happy Labor Day with an original song. Huh? Am I going to get sued for saying that? In the podcasting world, in the podcasting stratosphere. What are you guys doing today on Labor Day?

What the fuck is Labor Day? Anyways, does this have something to do with the troops, how hard they're working? Right? And you're not doing shit because you're not wearing a uniform, right? Huh? You fucking civilian piece of shit. Don't you love how that's the vibe now? How about a round of applause for our troops?

Hey, how about a round of applause the rest of us? Paying the fucking taxes, you cunts. To this goddamn field trip over there that's never going to fucking end until what? We bankrupt the whole fucking thing and five cunts have all the money? How about a round of applause for us? You're rich cunts.

Chewing and screwing and leaving us with the fucking tab. Can I get on the plane first every once in a while, you fucking assholes? All right, Labor Day. Labor Day fucking meaning Labor Day is a public

holiday or day of festivities held in honor of working people in the United States and Canada Oh this ain't about your wife, is it? Oh, shots fired! On the first Monday in September and in many countries on May 1st, why do we always have to be different over here?

You know, the whole fuck world's on the metric system. The whole fucking world is celebrating Labor Day on May 1st. Not America. No, we're on standard. September 1st. The rest of the world. Respecting the summer, or at least the spring.

Here's your fucking day off at the end of the goddamn summer. How many, you got to pack up the water skis? Hey, buddy. You know, that's about the ninth fucking negative thing you said about the United States of America. I got one for you. You got a fucking day off. Why don't you pack your shit up and get the fuck out? See how you like it in some other fucking land.

Fucking mosquitoes the size of your fucking freckled bald head. You fucking orange motherfucker, I got a good fucking mind to get out of my truck and go over there and show you what's what. Happy Labor Day, dear America. All you fucking whining. crying fucking snowflakes out there bitching about global warming you want to see warming how about my fucking nuts

motherfucker I'm a goddamn coal miner you understand me I'm a coal miner in 2018 why the fuck what I want to go out and learn about solar power when I can continue doing a fucking job that's obsolete I don't give a fuck if I'm digging in a national park stepping on a fucking bald eagle fucking head, all right? If that's going to put spam on my fucking table, I'm going

to do it. And it's some orange toupee wearing motherfucker with the goddamn red tie down his fucking knee he's going to do it for him and then goddamn I'm going to vote for. Dear America, um,

you know, I always wonder what my neighbors think. You know, how many people live in that house and are any of them in a good mood? Oh, Jesus, so it's Labor Day. Now, let me ask you a question. Since it's a fucking day off, right, does your wife give you the day off? Huh?

Or does she want you to run around and do a bunch of goddamn jobs that need to be done while she stays in the house doing God knows what? Right? I was hoping we could get those boxes there. Is that what you were hoping? Well, God gave you a couple of arms and a back. Start lifting there, sweetheart. These fucking ladies, I swear to God. Can you ever just sit down?

What is a couch for in their world other than to throw too many fucking pillows on it so you can't even fucking sit down? And the second, it's like they know, the second your fucking goddamn ass hits the couch and your head's on the pillow and you grab the remote to watch a little college football,

what happens? Honey? Sorry. I am in a mood. I'm actually a happy married guy. I don't even know why I'm doing this. I'm just trying to make you guys laugh. All right?

Because I've been in those relationships. All right? My wife's coolest shit, though. You know, the other night I was hanging out, right? Smoking a Sega. Oh, no. I wasn't even supposed to hang out. I ended up just fucking Bartnick called me up.

And we ended up hanging out. And she's like, you know, she sent me the usual text. Where are you? And I was like, I'm down the comedy store. I'm smoking a cigar of some buddies of mine. We did a spot. Sorry. And she goes, no, hang out with your friends.

Have a good time. And I texted her back. Best wife ever, right? You can't complain. If your wife does that once a fucking year, you got a gym. You know? And my wife consistently does that. Unless, you know, two, three, you know, the next night when I went out again,

I took a little four-day vacation is what I did here. As I stayed on my diet, by the way. I had a couple little missteps here or there, but generally speaking, I'm drinking a little fucking smoothie here. You know? I don't know what I'm doing. I got to add some cardio, but you know something? I got this fucking shit bit out of me by some goddamn bugs. I don't even know where.

They always go after my left foot. You know? I'm like the fucking Daniel Day Lewis of bug bites. My left foot, they just go after it. Right now it is on, you know, I literally have to put like some, that oxy 10 on it. And then I got to put a sock on it, like, so I won't scratch it. Like, you know, when you put a fucking, the goddamn, I almost said chandelier, a fucking lampshade over a dog's fucking, you know, so you can't turn around by itself.

The problem is, that's what I should do. I should stick a fucking one of those lampshades on my, on my ankle. But the problem is I'm a goddamn human being made in the image of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. so I have the ability to figure out how to take off said lampshade and start scratching the fuck out of my ankle. It was so bad the other night. It actually woke me up. Like nothing could touch it.

It was on fucking fire. And, dude, these are next level. These are next level global warming fucking mosquitoes. All right? If you got a pair of jeans on or dungarees, as they used to be called, they'll bite right through them. They don't give a shit. you know, I wish there could be some assassin fucking mosquitoes, right?

And rather than just biting regular old fucking people and giving them malaria and that shit, like they could just fucking just go find one of those Bilderberg meetings. And just find who the fuck is in front of all this goddamn madness. Sorry, guys, I don't know. This is why I don't watch the fucking news. Yeah, just going 100 million fucking miles an hour into the brick wall And all these fucking rich people think that somehow they're going to have a parachute And I guess what?

The rest of us are all going to die. Is that what it is? Oh, Bill, come on, it's a holiday. All right, all right. Let's talk football here. Let's talk football. Bump, boom, boom, boom. How about those red socks?

Loss of the white socks last night, 8 to nothing. For the first time, we're actually kind of playing like 500 ball. and I think it's a great thing. I don't want to go to the fucking playoffs, not knowing what losing feels like. Like, wait, what's this? Are the wheels coming off? I want to more be like, oh yeah, this.

We got out of this. All right, sales still on the disabled list as far as I know. And I don't know if Price has pitched since he got hit by that comeback. Liner off his wrist. X-rays were negative. We're doing further fucking studies. So we shall see. We'll see what's going to happen.

Last I saw the Astros, the team to beat, the defending World Series champions, getting zero respect out there in Houston. You know, you would think that the baseball team was as fat as the average person in Houston. And don't even fucking wrinkle your goddamn snout up at me if you fucking live in Houston. You guys went back to back. You had a goddamn dynasty of being. fucking nominated or winning the fattest city in the United States of America, all right? And this is the fattest fucking country, evidently. Okay, you are a fat person's fatty, Houston.

Down there fucking barbecue and everything, aren't you? Huh? Do you know, I was just, I actually just in Houston. There is not a juice joint in that entire city. Lettuce is illegal. This is a U.S. city. Okay. Now, are you wondering why they had that biblical flood down there?

Maybe God was like, this is a level of sloth that I have never seen. See, that's why there's never a flood out here in Hollywood. Okay? Because we are so righteous. we are so living day to day in his image, in his word. I want you all right now. I want you to close your eyes. I want you to close your eyes right now and just know that Jesus,

he wants you to live in Hollywood. He wants you to go there. He wants you to do some Coke. He wants you to get a girlfriend and try to fuck her friend and try to get both him to fuck you at the same time. He wants that. Sorry, that was my Joel Olstein. That's why he didn't open the goddamn doors.

when that flood fucking came in. I don't have enough fucking, what am I fucking Jesus? Gonna keep pulling out fucking barbecue fish for these people? I don't, I simply do not have enough waifers to sustain this. It's going to be a riot. They're going to rip up my blue carpet. He was content to let those fatties just float right by the arena. You know what I would have done?

I would have put some fucking moorings. Is that what you call those things you get dark a boat to? I would have thrown some rope out there and just had those fatties fucking, you know, out there like a bunch of dinghies until the water came down. I mean, what was Joel Olstein supposed to do? Okay? Joel Olstein's in shape. He lives in Houston.

You know why that is? It's a miracle. I tell you, I saw the image of a skinny Joel Olstein in my pop-thart the other day when I was in downtown, Houston. You ever take two pop-tarts, you heat them up, and you stick a glazed don't in the middle of it? Of course you don't. You don't live in Houston. You ain't about this life. Um, I had to drink smoothies more before I do a podcast. I have incredible energy and a new level of disrespect for a lot of things. Dude, my fucking foot. My fucking foot is driving me nuts. And then I got a bug bite on the back of my arm.

And then I got another one on my lower back, like just to the right of where a tramp stamp would be. Did I ever tell you guys I was dumb enough to get one of those in the 90s? I did. I got a Boston Bruin stamp tramp. You know? And it said, real men wear black. And I had that right above my ass.

And I had to work so hard. I'm sorry. In stand-up. to finally be able to afford enough money to begin my laser treatments to remove it. I know a lot of you probably always wondered why I never wore a half shirt on stage. Well, that is why. Okay? I mean, I guess my big fault is that I'm a hockey fan.

Okay, there I said it. Did you guys watch any college football yesterday? How about college football just taking over this weekend the way the NFL, does towards the end of the year. The NFL doesn't give a fuck that you got Christmas shopping to do. They don't care that you're Jewish and you got to buy fuck. What was it? Eight gifts, nine gifts?

For each fucking person. Right? Is that candle fucking goes? Candle number one. What do you got? Well, how do you do it, Jewish people? Do you build? Do you build up the gifts?

That's why you got to do it, right? You got to start with the weakest thing you got. Right? What do you got? I got a pair of socks. You know? And you just gradually build the whole outfit up. Just shopping for Kwanza, right?

The NFL does not give a fuck. Come the end of the year, they're like, we own all the weekends. We're taking all the fucking money. All right? We're showing games on Saturday that we thought we're going to matter, but don't. We're kicking off the NFL season.

This Thursday. Thursday. This Thursday, the NFL season is back. Ladies and gentlemen, NFL football is back. Okay? And for the next 17 fucking weeks with the bye week, I have a fucking long, the fucking season is now, the regular season. Okay? I like to think that this country can set aside all of the issues. that are weighing us down, and we can lose ourselves in the bread and circus that is professional football. And when does it start, Bill? Oh, wapapapah, it starts Thursday night, Thursday night with your defending Super Bowl champions, the Philadelphia Eagles.

Did you ever think you'd ever hear that in your fucking life, people of Philadelphia? You know you didn't. don't even act like you did right where the fuck am i you guys are playing the dirty birds down there in fucking atlanta it's it's it's the battle of the birds this thursday night this is the only thursday game worth watching for the entire fucking season why you might not have asked because this is the only one where the fucking teams didn't play four days earlier and they're all banged up. Yes, the Eagles will be wearing green on green. Yes, the Falcons will be wearing, I don't know, black and red on black and red. It's a home game for the Eagles. They're probably

going to bring the championship flag up there. And can you imagine how many people in the city of Philadelphia are not going to be able to time their alcohol intake to when the flag is going to be raised and they'll be in that little jail in the Eagle Stadium looking out, you know, while the police laugh at them, the local cops, as they play Iron Maidens, Rime in the Ancient Mariner, right? Somehow it combined rhyme in the ancient mariner with the count of Montecristo. I mean, he's looking out the fucking his jail cell. And he could see the ocean. You could see how free, you know, see the boats going by and he was just sitting in there. and then later he got a gig on Sesame Street. Anyways, it starts with the Eagles and the Falcons. Now, I got, if you're a building, are the Eagles still celebrating?

Who are my Patriots playing? Tom Brady coming up, one of his great games as a pro against the Eagles. A lot of people forget that. They're like, dump me, top the fucking ball. He threw for over 500 yards in a Super Bowl and lost. Okay? Now, unless the Patriots go to the Super Bowl against,

this year. You tell me when the fuck that's ever going to happen again. Everybody talking about Joe DiMaggio. Oh, 56 game hitting street. Whatever. Anybody can fucking do that. Fifty-six game hitting street is pretty goddamn impressive. You know, to the point they literally were writing songs, Joltin Joe DiMaggio, whatever they were doing, right? President was paying attention. Did anybody write a fucking song with Tom Brady threw for 500 fucking yards? and a goddamn Super Bowl. People have thrown for half that much. Smoked a cigar and paraded around with the...

He threw enough yards to win two fucking trophies in one game, and the man lost. So everybody's sitting around going, how can Tom keep doing it? He's fucking old and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Okay? And I'm sitting over here with no more hair left on top of my head to pull out, going, the problem is not Tommy. I would say it's our defense.

I'd say that that was the fucking problem. That was such a fucking weird game. I would love to go back and watch it at some point. And just try to figure out how there was only fucking two punts or three punts the whole fucking game. The weirdest goddamn game I've ever seen in my life. It's like both offenses showed up to play and the fucking defense was just like, this is a Super Bowl. I just can't get comfortable.

What else? We got the Bengals or the Bengals. As Paul Verzi calls him, the Bengals. He calls him the Girl Group there. And he calls the Girl Group the Bengals. Okay, but Paul Verzi, he marches to the beat of his own drummer. He's playing the Colts Andrew Luck. And I'm going to tell you something right now.

I'm going to tell you something right now about Andrew Luck. All right? If you're fucking sitting there, right, and life keeps kicking you in the dick and you're landing face down in the dust, you know? and you just don't want to get up anymore. Watch Andrew Luck take a fucking hit.

He doesn't give a fuck. Gets up, he congratulates the guy. Hey, great job, man. I'll probably be feeling that in my early 50s. Congratulations. See you on the next play. I love that guy. This is me actually saying something positive

about the Indianapolis Colts, as much as I hate Jim Ursay. All right, Andrew Luck, the way he conducts himself out there with such fucking class, it actually transcends the fact. that he takes a paycheck from that corrupt piece of shit. That flim flam, the boss hog or the fucking NFL.

Anyways, the bills are playing the Ravens. This is what I got to be asking. If I'm a Buffalo Bills fan, and I got my face in a plate full of fucking wings over at Anka Bar or fucking Duffies, whatever the fuck you're supposed to go, I got to be asking myself, is this the year where the bills for the finally return

to their AFC championship winning glory. Do the bills finally get back to their peak going to a Super Bowl? Sorry. You know, I'm going to give people in the EFSI East a lot of shit.

The Buccaneers and the Saints. Drew Breeze, by the way, not a lot of people realize. This guy, he's second all time. I think he's thrown for more yards than Tom Brady. Nobody pays attention to him who's who's kidding who.

He's not dreamy like Tom Brady. He's not as tall as Tom Brady. Brady, you know? Supermodels are not knocking on his door. He is a regular Joe. He's a family man. You know? And he's down there in a fucking city that the devil is even scared to go to. And he has gone, he's been able to maintain the fucking values that he was brought up in.

I would say that is actually more impressive to me than actually the amount of yards he's thrown in his career. We're taking callers. Patriots are playing the Texans, right? And that fucking insane quarterback's coming back. I already forgot everybody's names. What was that kid from Louisville? From Clemson?

I don't know what the fuck he's from. But I know he's amazing. And J.J. Watts is back. So this should be an early test for these New England Patriots. The 49ers versus the Vikings. I don't even know what's going on over there. Okay? Is Kaepernick still kneeling on the ground?

Kaepernick doesn't have a gig. the Vikings. The Vikings who are at their peak right now. Doing what they do. Coming close, fucking it up, waiting to the next season. And they are on the rook.

Can they finally, can they finally turn the fucking corner? What else? What else is going on? The Giants are looking good. They got that maniac running back from fucking Penn State. They're playing the Jaguars.

The Browns. They got that fucking dude from Oklahoma, right? Or the other guy on TV said was undraftable. And he went on his fucking show with an undraftable shirt. They got this kid. A little bit of swagger. The Cleveland Browns playing the Steelers right out of the gate. Jesus Christ, those two cities,

they don't even get a chance to put their fucking feats up. I cannot fucking wait. I am taping all of these games. And your Los Angeles Rams versus the Oakland, soon-to-be Las Vegas Raiders. I mean, how great a lot of things? fucking game is that going to be? That's the game right there. That's the game of the week right there.

Rams, first Raiders, as far as I'm concerned. That's the one I want to see. Oh, the 49ers have what's his face? Seattle's Richard Sherman. They got him coming back from the fucking dreaded Achilles

tendon injury. See what he can do for the 49ers. You know what I mean? All right, there you go. So good luck to all you guys, unless you're playing the Patriots. And now let's talk college football. How great was the college football? You know, they were smart enough

to not have all those cupcake games at the beginning of the year. I mean, when I was growing up, like September was a joke. You get your football cad from your bookie, and what would they be saying? It would be just like Nebraska would be favored by 59

against like Kent State and you'd take Kent State and then like they would be up like like fucking 35 to nothing at the half and you're like, They would cover. Anyways, I watched my LSU, my adopted LSU Tigers against the Miami Hurricanes. And a good friend of mine is a huge Miami hurricane fan to the point that I actually root for the Miami Hurricanes because I'm friends with him.

Not that I was ever a hurricane fan. I wasn't. So he was playing my adopted LSU Tigers. His team was playing my team. So I texted him before the game. I said, the Miami Tropical Depression. you know like when they think it's going to be a hurricane and then they downgrade it to a tropical storm well the downgrade of tropical storm is tropical depression i believe

according to the weather that i looked up so he's like fuck you man so we bought a better rounder drinks of some cigar i can't even fucking remember and i got to tell you right now i thought you know lsu the entire time i've been a fan of these guys since like 2008 when i moved out here 2007, 2008. So 2007, when I came out to L.A. And I actually had time to watch college football. And I'd like Les Myers and how he would go forward on fourth down

and trick plays and all that shit. And I wasn't going to just jump on the Alabama bandwagon. Isn't it amazing that they're still at the peak 10 years later? There's still the team to beat. So I was like, I'm going to go with these guys. So I've been watching them for 10 years. And for 10 years, we have not had a fucking quarterback. They were doing that awful thing, like that old school college football thing,

where it was just like, this is a running down, put in the black quarterback. This is a passing down, put in the white quarterback. They were doing that shit in the 2000s, right? And then I think their all-time rushing leader was their quarterback, you know, which is not a good stat. They've had these beasts at defense. They actually had Odell. Beckham at one point. My buddy was saying like, what a fucking waste. They had nobody to throw it to him. So I'm watching the game yesterday and this kid Joe Burrow, who I guess transferred from some other college. I was losing my mind watching this guy. I'm like, this guy's a fucking quarterback. You know, people getting in his face giving him shit. He's giving him shit back.

He's fucking, he's reading the blitz. You know, he was doing all this type of shit And I was all excited And I was just like, This guy's got to have like 250 yards He only had 144 That's how much The QB's position has suffered

While I've been watching these guys That I was excited that there was a guy In the middle of the third court I had 144 yards passing And their new coach, I hope I say his name right Ed Orgeron Orgeron. I don't even know how to say his name but all I know is he's got that Bayou fucking accent,

and he sounds like fucking Hulk Hogan. He sounds like he's doing a wrestling promo. I was waiting for me. Let me tell you something, brother. I'll try to get you a clip of him, and he flips out and screams and yells at the players, and that reminds me of what a football coach was when I was a kid. LSU, for the most part, just handled.

25th-ranked LSU just handled, eighth-ranked Miami Tropical Depression. Miami hurricanes. And, but in typical LSU fashion, they still scared me towards the end when all of a sudden Miami started coming back. And then it was just like, it was 33 to 17 with six minutes left. And Miami stopped them again. I'm like, they are two drives and two point conversions, touchdown two point conversions away from tying this fucking game. Only LSU could make me this nervous after being up like 33 to 10 or some shit like that.

but they held on they won and all of that so I am excited uh I know it's the first week of this season before all you negative cunts out there are going to be fucking you know you know maybe Miami was uh uh over overrated much you know like that's some sort of like people just hate people being excited oh what are you happy about something how can I fucking shit all over this um Anyways, let's do some ad reads here. Sorry, I fucked up the rest of that read. My head was actually, I've already made the burger patties.

Okay? Now, next thing I'm going to do, I'm going to cut up to tomatoes, the lettuce, have all the pickles, have everything ready to fucking go. And this year, for the first time ever, I am going to do a practice burger, just to make sure my temperature is right. To know how long. So for all the people who want it, medium, rare, medium, well, well done, all of that fucking shit. I made my paddy small this year. I made him thin. All right?

Better than McDonald's or old school McDonald's. Not quite Wendy's. All right? Right in the fucking wheelhouse. Because I used to work in a, this place called the Sable Cafe in Carrie, North Carolina. I worked there, I swear to God, 31 years ago. I worked there for nine months.

and unfortunately the restaurant was gradually going out of business. I was a bus boy, and then I became the bus boy and dishwasher. And then at one point, I swear to God, I was the grill chef, the bus boy, and the dishwasher. As I took on these extra jobs, they would give me like a 50 cent raise. And I was so bad with math, it never dawned on me like, hey, minimum wage is $3.50 an hour. And the dishwasher was getting paid $3.50 an hour, and I was getting paid $3.50 an hour. So you're paying two people $7 an hour to do these two jobs. And now I'm doing both jobs.

That other person doesn't have a job. And I'm only making $4 an hour. Then I became the grill chef. And I think I was making $4.75 an hour or $5 an hour to do three fucking jobs. And I would be out there. And I was glassed in on a mesquite grill with a chef hat. And underneath my apron, I had the bow tie fucking bus boy outfit. It was literally like, you know, when Peter Brady had two dates.

one night, right? And I fucking would duck down when I saw a table almost done eating and I would run out there, bust the table, run back, throw all the dishes in the dishwasher, and then run fucking back out without washing my hands. It's just food. But you're still, you know, I'm just handling your food. And then I would continue fucking cooking. And that's when I learned that little trick, you know, where you, you know, I learned it this way. You put your, you put your, uh, you just touch your thumb to your index finger and then touch the fleshy part of your, uh, of your hand that connects to your thumb and you press on that, that's rare. Then you just move it to your middle finger. That's like medium rare. Then the ring finger's well and then the fucking pinkies well done.

Now, that fucking works provided you... But it all depends on how thick the paddy is and how high your fucking heat is. So you got to balance all of that out so you can use that because that actually fucking works. Unless your heats up too high and your meat's too thick. And then you think it's well done. And all you did was chaddy outside and inside it's a fucking Friday to 13th. So I'm going to do that and have myself a tasty fucking burger.

before anybody even arrives. I'm going to have my timer. I'm going to adjust my fucking heat. And I'm going to be ready for fucking Freddie. If you know what I mean. That's my deal here. Okay, that's how I'm doing it. And I'm going simple this year.

Burgers and dogs, fuck you. You don't like it. Get the fuck out this country. I'm not smoking anything. I'm not fucking, I'm not doing any of this bullshit. Burgers and dogs, we got potato chips. We have the standard fucking condiments. Lettuce, tomato, pickles, ketchup, onions, mustard.

All right? No fucking Asian-infused fucking this or Italian influence that. Oh, Billy Ballgame. I'm going the fucking, I'm going old school. We got cheese. What kind of cheese you want? You want the white or the yellow. We don't have any margarine.

We have butter. I'm toasting the butter. unless you tell me otherwise. All right? That's it. Can you feel my anxiety? All right, stamps.com, everybody. The U.S. Postal Service is an important tool for any business.

Stamps.com is the easiest way to access all the amazing services of the post office. I don't know why, but I feel like over-enunciating this whole read. Stamps.com never closes print postage for letters or packages at your convenience 24-7. Print postage for any mail class right from your own. own computer, buy and print official U.S. postage for any letter, any package, any class of mail using your own computer and printer. They'll send you a digital scale that automatically calculates exact postage. Stamps.com will even help you decide the best class of mail based on your needs. No need to lease an expensive postage meter and there are no long-term commitments.

I use stamps.com because include your personal recommendation. I send out my fucking posters, dude. I use Stamps.com. I'm a moron. If I can do it, so can you. Absolutely no negative references to the post office. Oh my God. I wish I could cook a burger for people at the post office.

And right now, you too can enjoy Stamps.com. Service with a special offer that includes a four-week trial plus postage and a digital scale. Go to Stamps.com. Click on the microphone at the top of the homepage and type in Burr. That's Stamps.com. Enter Burr. All right. That was my nod to people in the Midwest. Bob, go to stamps.com in order their butcher box.

Speaking of butcher box, butcher box, pork and ATC festival. That's right. The All Things Comedy Festival is coming back to Phoenix. It's coming back to Phoenix in October. Hey, and by the way, and I will be there doing a live podcast. This is a pre-fucking promo. Okay, I don't have any dates yet.

I'm just letting you know. Keep your October open. It's October 20-something, I believe. Anyways, shit's probably already on sale. I don't even know. Speaking of other things that I need to promote. I did a movie last year called The Front. All right.

And the trailer, starring Hugh Jackman, the trailer, who's already getting Oscar. Oscar? Buzz. He's getting Oscar. Buzz, old freckles. All right. And I actually made the trailer.

Do you realize how much I'm moving up in the world? That I'm actually in the movie trailer. Now, I'm not saying that if you drop a piece of popcorn, you look down and kick it under the seat in front of you, that you won't miss me in the trailer. I'm just saying that I am in it for a hot second. With one of the best actors of today who is getting Oscar Buzz. Repeat.

Oscar Buzz. this weekend I'm going to be in some casino north of what the hell is in Sacramento. And then the next day I'm going to the Toronto Film Festival for the premiere of the front runner starring Hugh Jackman who's getting Oscar Buzz. And then the movie was directed by the great Jason Reitman. By the way, if you want to fucking win an Oscar, okay, it's starting to become work with old freckles here.

All right? We had two Oscar winners last year, two or three from F is for family. Fucking Sam Rockwell won it. Allison Janney won it. I think Laura Dern got like a Golden Globe. I don't watch award shows, okay? I don't have time. I'm too busy focusing on third.

things that don't matter like sports. And now, well, look what happens. I have about seven lines in this movie, and all of a sudden, not coincidentally, Hugh Jackman is now nominated. Oh, no, he's getting Oscar Buzz, I should say. Okay? And why is that?

Because he's unbelievably talented. Because he puts the work in. Because he's a pro. Maybe. Maybe. But I think more so, is that he had half a scene with me. I think that's what it is.

See, once I go in the scene and they see what I look like and where my acting is at, right? I almost said hack and act at the same time. Then whatever you're doing as the other actor is just going to be so fucking elevated that all of a sudden, you know, you're going to be in the running.

Okay, and that's what I bring to Hollywood. All right, Butcher Box, everybody, and the All Things Comedy Festival. Oh, by the way, congratulations to Jason Reitman and Hugh Jackman for getting all this great. And everybody else that's in the fucking movie, you know, for getting all this awesome reviews, which is a very hard thing to do this day and age with all the cunts out there on the Internet. It's really difficult to try to get some sort of positive feedback. And I'm just happy just to be a small part of it. You know what I mean?

I'm like Bill Walton when he joined the Celtics. Okay, my feet are fucked up. I'm just happy, you know, every once in a while, throw it to me and I'll get a couple of points. The crowd will go nuts because I am on the scoring sheet. That's where I'm at. Butcher box pork at the All Things Comedy Festival. Hey, Bill, huge fan.

Just writing in to thank you for the butcher block plug. Oh, listen to this. This dude tried the pork chop that I've been raving about. The heritage bread fucking pork. Okay, you talk about the pork chops. You talked about the pork chops and how great they were. So I had to get my hands on it. my wife, who is an amazing cook, seasoned these chops so well, I have to share it with you.

She put extra virgin olive oil on them and salt and pepper, then let them rest for like 45 minutes. Look at that. I mean, that's about as standard of rub as you could possibly get. That's all you have to do. About a half a teaspoon per chop. Then she just cooked them in the oven for like 25 minutes. You said the over. Cook them in the over for like 20 to 25 minutes.

I'm assuming that meant of it. Bill, it was the best goddamn pork shop I ever had. I fucking told you. He goes, when you get a cheat day, try that recipe. Thanks again, can't wait to see you in Phoenix in October. So I guess the tickets are already on sale. Yeah, guys, I'm telling you, man. Who fucking knew that there was a purebred fucking pig out there, which bloodlines can be traced back to?

the original white people, the OG whitties over there in Europe. I'm telling you, I did mine differently. I took out a black skillet, and I got that heat going, right? And I just, I forget what I, I don't even know what I put on the fucking thing. I probably didn't know in me, German-Irish guy that I am. I seared both sides, and then I finished it in the oven, and then I brought it out, and I did a like a rosemary butter bath. I mean, I didn't even need a fucking side.

It was everybody I took, I was just punching the fucking table. It was, it's that fucking good. All right? If you're a kind of worthy, you got to get the fucking heritage breadport. They're not even paying me for this. This is how fucking good it is. All right, Urban mayor, although that's a real slick way to get some fucking advertising in for free. Be somebody that fucking writes in with their own experience.

Urban Meyer or mayor how it's spell. That's John Mayer, but it's Urban Meyer. Is it John Meyer? Hey, Billy Beluga Whale. What do you thoughts about Urban Meyer in the OSU scandal? Do you think he should have been fired? Oh, you know, I stopped following that. He got fired over that?

What the fuck was this? Is this jerseys again? Urban mayor fired reason. There we go. Bum, bum, bum, bum, bodo. why is Urban Meyer? He's suspended. It doesn't say,

oh, he's not fired, he's suspended. I was going to say, Jason Lawhead would have been fucking tweeting all in capitals at the whole fucking world. Maybe he was. Why is Urban Meyer suspended? Here's the short and the long answer. Ohio State suspended.

Urban Meyer for the first three games of Ohio State's 2018 season. Who the fuck are they playing? Fuckhead. you. This is the non-suspension suspension. He's misses the Buckeyes season opener against Oregon State, a likely blowout win for weeks two and three against Rutgers, another likely blowout win, and TCU, a tougher game and a trip to Texas. TCU's kind of fell off. Well,

what happened to TCU? Come on, Fromm. Um, American coach during the week before sitting out the game itself, offensive coordinator Ryan Day is acting head coach while Meyer is out. Yeah. he has a headset on the whole game. Gee, who the fuck you think he's talking to? The short reason for the head coach's suspension. School Commission investigation decided he mishandled domestic abuse allegations against his former receivers coach, Zach Smith. Oh, this is a little more serious?

But they didn't think, is it, Bill? Is it a little more serious than fucking players selling their own jerseys? But they didn't think mayor's conduct was egregious enough to merit firing one of the most successful coaches in college football history. Subtext. Hey, it was only one broad, all right? We got a national championship with this guy. Below is the longer reason.

A recap to the details. Smith's now ex-wife, Courtney Smith, has repeatedly accused him of domestic violence going back to 2009. So how does this fall on Urban Meyer? He's supposed to be a fucking cop, too? In 2009, Zach Smith, then a staffer under Meyer at Florida, went to a party at Meyer's house. Smith came home with a woman coworker who had been drinking and planned to have her stay on Smith's couch according to investigation. All right, sounds like a standard party. They said Courtney Smith strenuously objected and drove the woman to her home. That began a disagreement. Courtney's called 911 and alleged that Zach picked her up and threw her against a wall.

Police arrested Zach for aggravated battery and later dropped the charge. Myers says Zach and Courtney met with him. at his Florida office and told him Zach's arrest was based on false information Courtney gave to the police. Yeah, in other words, she told the fucking truth. And then when they fucking sobered up or calmed down, they were like, this could cost us a lot of money. Don't do it again. And we'll say that I lied. Courtney denies that she attended that meeting.

And Zach also recalled to OSU's investigators that she wasn't there. Okay, so he sounds like he's lying. to the investigative team, Courtney Smith denied recanting her allegations. She has never walked back any allegations in public interviews either. All right. No charges were ultimately filed against Zach for the 2009 incident. Yeah, because they were working for a big university. How does this go on Urban Meyer?

Mayor. Meyer hired him at Ohio State in 2011. A university background check didn't turn up an arrest. Meyer didn't tell anyone else at Ohio State about it because he told investigators weren't filed, and he didn't think Zach had actually committed any domestic violence. Between October and November 2050, yeah, and what's to show that he even saw this shit? In October and November 2015, police twice went to Cortez's home to investigate abuse allegations against Zach. Dude, this is one of these deals with like, well, you just fucking break up already?

That year, Courtney texted with Mayor's wife, Shelley, about Z. Shelly expressed sympathy and fear for Courtney in her own message. And Courtney has said, Shelly told her she'd informed the head coach about Courtney's allegations. Yeah, but she could have been lying. You know? Both Mayor Mayer maintained to OSU investigators that Shelley never did inform Urban about the text message, but Meyer has acknowledged both in a public statement in early August and to investigators that he did know of an allegation in 2015.

I don't understand. So what? So he knows about it. So call the fucking cops. Like I don't understand like why this is on the football fucking program. They are not the cops. They are not judges. They are not juries.

This whole fucking thing now where like the judge and the jury and all of that shit is now on social media and all of this shit. It's fucking, I don't get this. It's like if he fucking did something, call the cops. The cops go there. They fucking arrest him. And he fucking goes to jail. I don't understand how the cops go there. I recanted it. No, you didn't. All right, we dropped the charges. But then the cops dropped the charges. But then the school is supposed to go, no, but you're still fucking guilty? I don't know. I mean, unless he was there and saw him doing that shit, what the fuck is he supposed to do? This is why you have cops. This is why the cops don't coach

your football team. I don't know. I have no idea. I don't get that. I get that if the university fired that guy. You know, I don't get why Urban Mayor, Meyer, why that guy gets dragged into the shit. I mean, if he was beating the shit out of her at a fucking football practice, and I guess Urban was there going, hey, settled down, settled down. Nothing to see here. And I guess he implicated himself by that.

I mean, I don't, you know, I mean, these are, these are fucking adults here. That guy knows he's not supposed to be beating up his fucking wife. He's an adult. So he should pay the fucking price. I don't get why this guy has to now. You know what I mean? When some gold digging horror fucking, you know, takes some guy's house, does she go to jail? Does she lose her job? Does her friend that knew, she was a gold-digging whore, does she then lose her fucking position in the fucking world? I don't get it's just like it's a fucking one-sided street here. If a guy does something to a woman that he shouldn't be doing, not only is he going to get punished now, everybody around him is going to get fucking punished. But if a woman does something to a guy, eh, it's all right. Everything's fucking fine.

It's fucking bullshit. That's what I say. I think it's fucking bullshit. If they were doing this on both sides of the fucking fence, if you could somehow prove that this guy actually fucking knew this shit. Granted, I'm just going off of one website here. All right, from what I read on the internet, which doesn't mean shit. I don't know, why do you guys ask me these fucking questions? All right, dancing. Hey, Bill, I'm a 16-year-old kid from Minnesota. Minnesota. And I'm starting my junior year in high school this week. I'm not a loser and I'm not

the coolest kid either. I'm right. Yeah, there you go. You're in the middle. That's where I was. I feel like I'm being held back by my inability to dance. What do you go to fame high school? It's not that I don't have rhythm. I play three instruments. My band leader told me to dance like I was playing in instruments. The problem is I never know what to do with my hands and I can't exactly be playing air sax at dances this year. I really don't care that much.

It's just that I know I can dance, but I haven't figured out moves yet. Well, then start dancing there, buddy. Go on the fucking internet. I'll go on the internet right now. I'll find your fucking video. And then practice by yourself and do it in the mirror. like the chicks do, right? All right, YouTube. YouTube, you can dance too. All right. Search.

Basic dance moves to not look stupid. I spelled stupid with an E at the end. What the f-stupid. How to dance with confidence not look like a dork. And I got to tell you this guy, club dance moves for men. How to not look stiff and awkward. Bam, there you go. here we go a three-minute video after this fucking stupid goddamn guy tells me about grape nuts standing on a fucking mountain

somehow he just started running naked how to dance for men it's an Asian kid with the cool hat you know he's going to be good there you go bam the name of this video is club dance moves for men

how to not look stiff and awkward for beginner all right dude I found that in two fucking seconds all right there you go there you go you're in so just fucking do that for a while till it's second goddamn nature put a little stank on your face and uh you know pump a fucking couple drinks in yourself no no no you're underage uh you'll be fine dude you'll be fine just do it learn how did you learn how to get good a saxophone did you sit there going you know i know i can play saxophone but you never

did it just go out and do it you'll be fine all right All right, solar fucking power. Dear Bill, this old house, I'm a homeowner like yourself. And like yourself, I looked into solar power. Hey, dude, not for nothing. I don't want to be a cunt here. Do you, have you paid off your house?

Because if you haven't paid off your house, you're not a homeowner. All right? What you own is the debt on the house. Okay? I hate when people go, you rent, you own. I own.

No, you don't. You don't own it until they give it to you that, that fucking goddamn piece of paper. Sorry. And like yourself, I looked into solar power. Bill, when I tell you, I spent over 200 hours reading up on solar and talking to different installers, I'm telling you the truth. I had zero luck finding anything that made sense. Yeah, I think there's a lot of taxes and shit.

There's a lot of oil and coal kind of jockeying against that shit. The more research I did, the more discouraged I got, I went in thinking there was no way I wouldn't come out with some type of solar panel, subsidizing the energy I use. Yeah, now they do this thing with the electric. company they used to buy back your power. Now they just claim the shit that you don't even use. I hate to be cynical, but I feel like solar is useless till the technology gets better. I don't know if you've ever followed through, but I was hoping to get an update. I don't think it's useless. I understand anything that is going to help us slow down fucking global warming is going to be an asset. If you can't afford to do it, I understand.

I have not done it yet. I keep telling my wife, I want to be. want to do and she's just like, is this going to be loud? And it's just like, you know, I would love to do it. I have some Spanish style, not on all the whole roof. My roof is flat and then there's a little lip of Spanish tiles. But like Tesla is allegedly coming out with those Spanish tiles that are also solar powered. I mean, that fucking guy is like actually addressing what's going on.

And I wish there was a way that he could fucking hire coal miners. to fucking work in the solar industry. So they didn't have to take away 30% of our beautiful public parks to continue using this fucking form of energy that is fucking with the planet. But for some reason, you're not allowed to bring it up. If you do, you're a crying snowflake. I don't know.

It's, it's, I have no idea. And I have not read up nearly as much as you have. I have not even overheard as much as you've probably read on it. I'll read up on it. I should do it. would love to do it. You know, but I just, every time I fucking go to do something, I'm fucking, something in my house.

I don't want to tell you what I'm fucking dealing with right now. I don't even want to fucking fill you what I'm fucking deal with now. Have you ever heard of roof rats? Roof rats. Evidently, we somehow, some, we have a crawl space between our roof and, you know, you can't stand up, but it was enough that these fucking mice got up there. And I, we have an exterminator come up there, you know, God knows what they did in the walls.

Thank God they didn't chew through any fucking wires. And, you know, so then I got to go up there and, you know, get rid of the dead mice. That's my life. Okay, sobriety. Hey, Billy Bama said, I'm a 27-year-old male and I just wanted to truly say thank you for help me onto the wagon of sobriety. Forget the past few months. I've recently started listening to your podcast and have heard you bitch and moan the whole

time about being sober from drinking. This made me think to myself, hey, if this can, this cunt can do it, can I. It's been a few weeks now and I've been clean from drugs and alcohol and I've never felt better. Yeah, it's fucking amazing. Living a clean lifestyle, I mean, at night, it sucks. That's when you get squirre. But if you just fucking push through it and you wake up in the morning, stone sober, it's like you feel like you're compared to being hung over and shit. And I never even fucked with drugs other than alcohol, which is a drug in all fairness. You feel like an eight-year-old when you wake up. He says, I don't have friends because they're deadbeat drug addict losers. So every day

at my job, I literally listen to eight hours of the podcast a day. See, so you're learning how to take your addictive personality and pointing it at shit that's more positive. Hopefully this positive is more positive. So in a sense, you're my only friend. So thanks for that as well. Thanks for helping me through these trying times. And I really look forward to maybe seeing your set at one of your Chicago shows in November. Hey, you know, I was hanging out Friday night with. the buddy mine who's been sober for nine months and he just wanted to do it for a month. But just after a month, all this shit that he'd been putting off, all of a sudden he started getting shit done. He said, I'm going to go two months. And now he's just staying sober. He was saying

just out of superstition that I don't want to go back to that. And that's a great thing. So I'm going to try to go September without drinking today. I have my big cheat thing is I have a glass bottle of grape fanta that I am going to have with my burger and then I'm right back on the wagon but I'm going to be eating you know eating healthy the rest of the day I hate that don't you hear what people say I'm eating I've been eating clean

you know like I just I don't like that yeah you know just clean eating been eating clean it's like you don't even know what the fuck you're eating I go to these farmers markets and you have no idea where this shit came from there's nobody down there.

I've heard like the FDA basically police is like 3% of the food. You have no idea where the fucker it came from. You have no fucking idea. You have no idea what it's been sprayed with and all of that shit. But it says organic and it gets in your fucking head. Ooh, I'm leaking fucking clean. You have no fucking idea. Unless you grew it yourself.

Dilemma. All right. Dear Billy Brown Belt, would you rather be forced to eat protein bars every meal for the rest of your life? or eat one meal every four days? Can I survive? Can I survive eating one meal every four days? I don't know if you could survive doing that.

Man, that's a good one. No, I'd rather eat one meal every four days. I think it would be more healthy than those protein bars because you don't know what the fucks in those things either. You mean, you flip that thing over. Like, you know what I think's fucking overrated GNC. All those powdered fucking chemicals. Like that macah powder, every time I put that in there, I go, what the fuck is this shit?

You know? Plant-based protein powder and all that. It's just go, well, go eat a fucking plant. Anyways, number two. All right, another dilemma. I wouldn't want to be Billy Cliff Bar for the rest of my fucking life. Because once every four days, I could actually have something that I liked. You know, chicken and dumplings, some shit like that, something really fancy.

I mean, they'll be like having a death row fucking meal every four days. Yeah, that would be tremendous. As long as you, I could do that in a healthy way. Yeah, I would do that. You'd get used to that quick. Number two, you're going to die. But you can save your life if you succeed at one of two things. Which do you have more confidence in doing successfully?

Having one year to study and get a perfect score on the SATs. You fuck that. or come in first place in a game of monopoly. I have one year to come in first place in a game of monopoly. How many games can I play? Is it a monopoly tournament? Am I playing with a bunch of old ladies that have been playing it since the fucking depression and they're going to kick my ass?

All right. Having one year to study and get a perfect score on the SATs. You know what, dude, I would love to try to do that. And it would take me way more than a year. with the math. All I know is that I took a college SAT prep course, and I still got a three-something combined. I'm not even fucking lying to you guys.

Like, I, that sounds like a joke, but I mean, I know, they give you like 300 points just to sign in the paper. Yeah, I know. I know. I forget what I got. Did I get a 410 or a 390? It was bad. And I remember getting laughs at my SAT score. You know?

That's how, you know, that's how I always did. I was fucking made fun of myself and I got laughs. So I actually, I remember I didn't give a shit. I never gave a shit. I always kind of had this feeling that I was going to do our right in life. You know? I had an overall positive outlook, despite everything that I was doing, you don't have two years of a language?

You're going to fucking, you know, all this fucking stupid. stupid shit. You know what I mean? Life is not about those things. All right? I'm not saying don't try. Don't fucking try to do well on the thing and all of that shit. I'm not fucking saying that. Well, what are you saying, Bill? I'm just saying there's a million ways to skin a cat. Okay. How the fuck did that come about, huh? I got to look that one up. It's more than one way to skin a cat, right? And there's more than one way to skin a cat origin. An early appearance is in way down east of... Oh, Jesus Christ.

What, okay, etymology of the phrase, there's more than one way. You know, so many times when you look these up, it's just not satisfying. So there's actually only two ways to skin a cat while it's alive or while it's dead. Well, I mean, you could also start at the head. You could start at the back. didn't want to say the ass. There are two ways. One of them is you skin a cat

because you are a bad person. The other is you don't skin a cat. You are a nice or the cat never existed. The third one, wait, is both. You skin a cat and at the same time you don't skin it. Okay, this is just people writing. I find your use of boiled down in this context disturbing. You knew this would bring out

the fucking animal lovers, right? Let's see if there's any comments from the fucking pita people. Pita people. Pita people. There's more than one way of skin a cat is not referring to the removal of flesh from our feline friends, but rather a phrase that originated from the Mississippi River region that pertains to the preparation of a catfish. Oh. Well, maybe that's what it is. I have no idea. I don't fucking know. Anyways, That's the podcast. Happy Labor Day to y'all. Happy Labor Day to you, woo-woo.

I'll fucking check in on you this Thursday. Hey, go fuck yourselves and enjoy your day of your fucking cunts.