Monday Morning Podcast - The Business, Second Weddings, Psychos Celebrating | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 12-18-25

Episode Date: December 18, 2025

Bill rambles about the entertainment business, second weddings, and psychos celebrating death. (00:00) - Thursday Afternoon Podcast (31:50) - Thursday Afternoon Throwback 12-18-17 - Bill rambles about Steelers/Pats, advertising, and being married to an older man.  (01:40:24) - Anything Better Podcast - NFL Week 16 Preview with Paul Virzi.  Paul is officially out of the running to beat the book, but Bill is holding strong at a game ahead of .500. They also talk about Old Man Rivers and the hug that lasts too long. Squarespace:  Check out http://www.squarespace.com/BURR for a free trial, and when you’re ready to launch, use OFFER CODE: (BURR) to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, how to fuck you doing. It's time for the Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcast, and I'm just checking in on you. What's going on? How you doing? How you doing? I am going to be down in Cerritos, California tonight.

Where is Cerritos, California? Well, it's just about northeast of Long Beach, California. Long Beach? Scream for me, Long Beach? I can never say Long Beach without saying scream for me Long Beach because way back in the day in the 80s, back when old freckles had a nice, thick, full head of hair, trying to grow a mullet, but it wouldn't come down. It just went out. It just went out. And once again, once again, you know, I just looked in the mirror and be like, can there be anything about me that's normal. Can I just fit in somewhere? And God was like, no, no, Bill. You know what it is about you? When I made you, I didn't feel like trying that day. Okay, we all have those days. And I just wasn't into it.

You know, I sort of slapped you together. And, you know, up the end of the day, the way I slapped you together, that's how it came out. You know, that's how it came out. But I am going to judge you and all the decisions you made based on the fucking shit job I did making you. That would be the funniest shit ever. I die and then I'm getting judged by God. I'd be like, what the fuck was I supposed to do? You gave me fucking orange hair, you cunt. You know, I couldn't even go out in the goddamn sun.

Every time I wore shorts, oh, look on what your legs are. Okay, that eats at a guy. It gets to you half. a while. Have a heart. Oh, that's right. You don't. Do you? Oh, you have a heart, really? Is that why you made the devil and Komodo dragons, you're fucking lunatic? Whatever. Whatever. Go ahead. Go ahead. Oh, blame the victim. Blame the victim. That's what you do. That's what you do. You make it, and then it fucks up, and then you yell at the thing that you made. Okay, I see how that was. This isn't a new scenario for me, pal. That's how I picture it going.

All right, the Bruins Beaked Mammoth last night, or two nights ago. Nice, solid goddamn team. I've been enjoying watching them, and they got the Edmonton Oilers tonight. So, you know, this reminds me a way back in the day where the Edmonton Oilers once a year would come to the Boston Garden. And all the hockey players were freaking out because, you know, Wayne Gretzky was coming. And how, like, his blades were blue. The plastic part. It wasn't white like everybody's else.

His was, I believe, were blue. And all the hockey players thought like that was like just some fucking, like, next level. It was basically the Jordan ones of skates. Anyways, they got him tonight. So I got a bunch of my buddies, I gave the heads up to us. Connor McDavid's coming to town, man. You guys are going to get some tickets? You got to get some tickets and head down to the fulking game there.

But anyway. What the fuck did I write down here? There's a few things I actually wanted to talk about. I'm not talking about that. Bill, you can't talk about that on a podcast. That's crazy. Yeah, so I've actually... Oh, Billy's been around the house lately.

Oh, Billy around the house. And I'll tell you this. When I used to be around the house, for more than two or three days, it would start to drive my poor wife nuts. Because you wouldn't know this, but I'm a lot. I am like legit, um, fucking crazy here. So it's, it's, it's a lot to have me around. But I think that that's like a good thing to know that you're a lot. But, uh, now that I kind of

have more of a calm brain. I'm just sort of like chilling out like around the house. Like, we came to a four-way stop. And, uh, you know, the four-way stop really just brings out the worst in people. You're either too docile or just. just too fucking aggressive, you know, that guy who can't shut it off, gets to a four-way stop and almost T-bones an old lady, you know, coming through there, driving her Chrysler, right? We came to that stop and there was just a guy, you know, I was going to make a left. We were like facing each other and I was going to make a left. And I got there first and he started creeping out into the intersection.

And I just went like, what the fuck? uh like that loud and then i apologized to my wife because i'm trying not to curse in front of the kids the kids weren't in the car but i'm really trying not to do that apologized and then i like fucking was driving away and um jesus that fucking yapping next door um i was driving away and i was going up the hill and i was just like breathing diaphragmatically breathing then going and she goes okay you're breathing a lot like what does that mean it's so embarrassing she's looking at me like i'm a ticking time bomb and i just said no i'm just like i got a little more upset than i wanted to there and i'm just sort of breathing this stuff out and uh she was like like wow

which was nice to hear but then also you're thinking in your head like wow man i'm a really dude that like that she's surprised that i completely didn't lose my mind there and then i i you know what i get it now i get it i'm like that guy that was an addict for all these years and then comes out the other side and realizes how many people he was hurting um that's what i was doing with my anger so here we go billy fucking uh nice guy billy nice guy billy is i'm looking at it like like not drinking like where i stopped drinking eight years ago i now have not lost my fucking temper in, let's see, 14, 15, 16, 17 days. I don't know. There's probably nothing for you guys, but for me, it's pretty goddamn

impressive. By the way, I haven't, you know, I don't watch the news that much, but someone was mentioning that, like, right-wing people have been being assholes about that horrible murder that happened, double murder that happened out here. And their excuses, well, you know, liberals were a dick when the guy in Utah got shot. And you just went on just look at people and be like, like guys, what are we doing? Like, is everything going to be politicized and just used? You're dividing, you're dividing us. What are we doing? People got murdered. Straight across the board. It's bad. It's wrong. It's upsetting. Why would you try to politicize either one and go after

your own countrymen? I just don't. Can you imagine if they just got rid of the internet? First of all, I don't think kids would know what the fuck to do with themselves, but like if they just got rid of it, like this is not good for anybody, which is why they're going to keep it. And I just think this whole heartless, it's always been a heartless world, but now it's like a connected heartless world and you can bond with other heartless people and decide who you're going to be friendly to and who you're not going to, even if they're your own countrymen, it's just fucking bananas to me. And like I went out to breakfast this morning with my wife and it was funny. We were sitting outside and it was, I don't know, the Santa Ana Wins or something. and it was really crazy last night, so it was still kind of blowing around

where you had to, like, hold on to your napkin. She goes, I go, you want to eat inside? And she goes, well, there's somebody in there talking really loudly. I just, she goes, I thought it would upset you. So she's literally been, like, navigating my moods this entire time. So I said, I was just like, sweetheart, this is, I don't, I don't care anymore. It's probably going to be funny. And we went inside.

And it was two people talking at, like, full volume. so fucking loud and it was hilarious the shit that they were saying this woman at one point she just goes and i was just like look i'm sorry you're homeless okay like don't put that on me like this is what the job pays okay i mean god you're just like throwing that on me it's like these people it's like and then the other person goes like yeah i mean i really wish that we could pay these money that this is the only place they had to work. But, you know, we, we, you know, if I could, I would. And I wanted to dip into that conversation and be like, sir, if you had enough money to pay those actors where they didn't have to work anywhere else, you still wouldn't.

You still wouldn't. Because that's how the game is played. You'd still be fucking them. That's what the whole strike was about. Strike was a disaster, by the way. All that did, was give the powers that be time to get together and collude, which is supposed to be illegal to fuck everybody in this business even harder. It's insane. It's not insane. It's actually the norm now. Like what is happening in my business, I'm sure is happening in your business where like one nerd figures out how to use the internet to take the whole business away from everybody else. And then for whatever reason, still walks around in public smiling. like he didn't just put 100,000 people out of fucking bit.

It's just, I don't know. It's a really bizarre time. So anyways, this person, they continue talking. And the other person was talking about going out and drinking wine and how unbelievably delicious it was. This followed, I'm sorry, you're homeless. And also, I wish I had enough, if I had enough money to pay you, I would. other way. I was drinking some wine the other night.

So anyway, we actually got to it ended up being like a great thing that they were in there talking loudly. An old fucking Billy New Brain. Billy New Brain. You know another show New Girl? Billy New Brain. It's going to come

on right up to New Girl where he's fucking all happy go lucky. Little Bill, the Christmas fucking miracle. I'm going to keep saying all of this dumb shit. I know you guys are getting sick of it, but, uh, I have to do this because if I don't, I'm going to go back to how I was and I don't want to do that. Like I'm fucking, uh, oh my God. Yeah, I got to stop that shit. Um, anyway, so, what next? Yes. Oh, Billy's going to go down to Cerritos. So retos. And I'm going to, uh, do some stand-up tonight. And, uh, this is one of these shows. I just know

I got a feeling. Like sometimes, you know, you don't know. Tonight I know. Tonight's going to be a fucking great one because I've been going up this week. Oh, Billy's been hitting a speed bag there, you know? Throwing some kicks, some comedy kicks around town. And I got this new bit about Trump blowing Bill Clinton that is just fucking... I mean, how do you not?

How do you not kill with that? But I attached it to some other shit that I was talking about that I couldn't get it to work with alone. And then I just sort of fucking welded it. together and now it's crushing. So what that means is I'm excited and I'm also excited to get to go play a beautiful theater and I don't have to go to an airport. That's another thing that I'm liking about the way I've been doing the road lately because I got to keep my act. I got to keep it fucking tight, right? I got to keep it tight like a fucking second, the second wife, you know, she knows. She knows this guy's not afraid to pull the trigger. Is there a word? Is there a word?

for that? There's got to be a word for that. Being the second wife or husband. It has to be like fucking unsettling when it starts to go bad. And you just, this person already walked away from one person. I mean, who the hell am I? And you have to think, too, as you go through life, like the novelty of falling in love has got to, like, reduce. I mean, there's no way. Can Can anybody talk about their second marriage, the wedding? There's no fucking way, somewhere in your head you're not thinking of your previous one. Like, this is the second time I've watched a woman walk down the aisle. You know, if you just do it one time, you know, you can just, you know, have that.

It's like, remember that time we went to fucking Disney World, you know, we stayed down there in Atlanta, Orlando, we saw the alligator. That's it, right? But once you do it the second time. it's got to be weird it's got to be weird you know first of all you got to feel put upon your friends are put upon like dude i already did this i already was your best man i already got you a gift i already said what i what i had to say about you like what are we doing this should be a rule that you don't get a wedding the second time you know what i mean like remember at the video stores like after a while you know you rent enough videos they would punch a

fucking card and then you got a video rental for free i think like you punch the wedding card and then that's it and then if they go and get married again it's like all right man good luck good luck with that yeah i'm not i'm not doing that again i'm not going to sit here and fucking book hotel you know that's another thing too if you get married a second time and you actually have the to have a destination wedding again? Yeah. Those are funny conversations. Dude, we just did this.

We just, I'm still paying off the first one. I gotta tell you, I don't like this one. Anybody, any divorced and then remarried people listening to this podcast, what was it like the second time? I mean, it's not all bad. I mean, some people made, like, horrific mistakes the first time. And then the second time, they probably have, hopefully are thinking like, oh, this is the way you're supposed to feel.

Either walking down the aisle or watching somebody come down the aisle. That is hilarious that she gets to make, like, the entrance and you're just fucking, you just stand in there. They really should have the groom up there, like holding her purse. just the whole dynamic of that is just really like just you know you ever see like a cornerback and he buys on the play action fake and then he's like oh fuck and then he's going to run back and the guy's already got two and a half steps that's that's that's kind of what you start to feel like is you're standing up there like like wait a minute

for a wedding. Why am I just standing up here like a fucking jerk off? Anyway, I'm kidding. I had a great wedding. I didn't mind watching my beautiful wife walking down. But like, you know, when you're going through tough spots in your marriage, you do think about that. You know, from fucking day one, I'm fucking waiting for you.

What am I? Chop liver? So, anyway, old Billy's going to, oh, Billy Hobbies. Oh, Billy Hobbies, I'm going to go, I'm going to go fly today. Last night, oh my God, the fucking wind was insane. It was fucking insane. Like I was walking out to my garage to go play some drums, right, because I'm an eight-year-old. And I go out there and it was fine. No problems. And then I come

walking out and it was like a whole different world. Like the palm trees were like a third of the way over and those giant, uh, the old, the husks of them or whatever, those things fall down. They could really fuck you up. So, and also, by the way, people out there who think like L.A. Burns because of God, this is what happens. It rains out here, and everything turns green. And for like a month, maybe six weeks, it looks like you live in Portland, Oregon. It's gorgeous. Then what happens is these fucking Santa Ana Wins come in, and it's like a giant hairdriar.

and it just dries out all of this new lush stuff that grew during our, you know, a couple, two weeks, two, three weeks of rain. And then it dries out. And then that's it. Somebody sits down to vape and then like 10,000 people loses their houses. It's, uh, yeah, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a wild place to, live. I will tell you that, which is what is so funny about how people's idea of L.A., that is plastic and phony and simple-minded people and all of this shit. Like, this place is a tough place

to live. Every bit as tough as living in any, you know, major city, I would think, you know, like New York City for some reason, I guess because it's so expensive. They always acted like that was like a tough place to live. which it was, but it was also a really fun place to live. I mean, gorgeous women from every nationality and race, all these great theaters, Lincoln Center, all of these iconic places to go to. So as hard as New York was, it was still, like, exciting to be there.

It's an exciting place to be broke. But that was a different time when I was younger. like I heard kids call Manhattan like work island or something like that. It's really like, uh, I don't know. Just the direction that we've gone in and how many,

how much like, how abused workers are now in this country is frightening. And we're fucking giving it all away. And for whatever reason, people are just walking around with hats that say freedom. I saw BMW driving up the street. And on the back it said freedom with an exclamation point. Like,

What does that mean? What are you doing to protect it? Like, what the fuck are we doing? All of these freedoms are being taken away, but you're wearing a hat that says freedom, and then you get what? Credit for being patriotic? I don't know. It's, it's, uh, I don't know.

I had a buddy of mine thinks the CIA owns Facebook and they are destabilizing this country the way that they've done it all around the fucking world. And they're finally going to eat their own. And, you know, I got to be honest with you. It makes a lot more sense than just some fucking nerd owns it. And we're all so stupid that we're fighting with each other. Because when you're looking at these fucking gruesome murders of this year and the fact that people politicized or, I mean, I guess, I don't know,

was the guy in Utah a political. figure he wasn't running for office but like because he was expressing views that were considered right wing that you would somehow celebrate that that he got it's just bizarre to me just think of all of those people that were sitting in the crowd and just saw somebody get shot in the neck and die right in front of them like the level of trauma that that that is those people didn't do anything I mean I don't know the fact that you did and it happened in your country and it's your own countryman that you could somehow find some sort of joy out of that is as fucking ridiculous as these idiots now who are like,

including our current leader who is like trying to somehow, I don't know, get clicks and likes off the murder of two people. It's just fucking bizarre. It's kind of like it's pushed through like being upset about it, where it's just kind of like, I kind of fuck did we get here. I don't know. I'm saying this shit.

What is it going to change? It's unfortunate. All right. Let's do some advertising. Terrible segue. All right. Here we go. Squarespace.

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You're going to make a ton money, and you can do it all in one place. Check out Squarespace.com slash Burr, B-U-R-R for a free trial, and when you're ready to launch, use offer code burr, B-U-R-R to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. That's Squarespace.com slash burr for a free trial. When you're ready to launch, use the offer code Burr to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Bang. Did it. Fucking did it, dude. So old Billy yoga pants. Oh, Billy yoga pants. I'm going to get into like fucking yoga and Pilates. I'm just, I'm going full fucking white woman.

I'm, uh, I got to break it up, dude. Hey, break it up. I keep doing the, um, I'm doing the same workout I did in like 1989. although I've added a bunch of back stuff you know no one did your back you know when they went to the gym it was all just you had curling tries you did your trapeasies you did your chest then you did incline everything was the front

and then everybody would get bowed shoulders and then years later you'd blow out your fucking rotator cuff but I want to do you know now that I'm actually realizing how crazy I am and focusing on my mental health which sounds like such a cliched thing to say. So I'll say in a different way.

Just focusing on not being out of my fucking mind anymore. Being a, yeah, and crazy, angry, fucking projecting lunatic. Fucking lunatic. I understand why I'm like that, but now I have to like undo it. the fucking scenarios, the fucking scenarios that I create in my head because a shit that somebody says something and then in my head I just go, oh, it's going to be like this from

1974, some shit. And I play out the scenario in my head. And then I walk around talking to myself as if what never happened happened. And I was doing that. And I grew up watching that, my relatives and all of that. Everybody had like this, whatever this fucking trauma is in our family is we just walk around talking to ourselves about shit that either happened or your thing's going to happen or you think's going to happen and you walk around talking to yourself. It's fucking crazy. And now I'm looking at myself going like, I do this podcast by myself.

I talk to myself. I don't book guests because I immediately projected, oh, they're going to be late. They're not going to show up. I'm going to get fucked. I projected that on everybody. So I was like, I'm not going to have any guests. I'll just do it by myself. No one can let me down.

Nobody can hurt me. This whole fucking podcast is an expression of my fucking mindset. Stand-up comedian, standing on stage. by yourself. I played drums for 30 years by myself before I dawned on my, I'd be going like, you know, I should probably do this with other people. I'm going to go fly a helicopter by myself. I ride a motorcycle by myself.

I go with Dean, though. I do everything by myself. And somebody earlier sent me this fucking thing that just blew my mind. It said, hyper independence is a trauma response. I, like, drop my phone. I was like, fuck. Is that what I'm doing? Is that why I go to a house party

and somehow I end up on the back porch by myself staring off into the trees? I don't know. At least I can laugh about it at this point, you know? This is I got to laugh so I don't cry. Anyway, so, uh, I have only have one, Out of this Cerritos gig, I have, I got a gig coming up in Seattle

that I built around the Bruin-Seattle Crackin game. I want to see a game up there. And I got three more teams I have to see a home game of. Seattle Cracken, Utah Mammoth, and the Carolina Hurricanes. So I'm knocking those out this year. And then I'll be done. and then that whole thing of why I had to do it. Oh, and it's another thing, too.

I went to most of those games by myself. I mean, I have, like, actual print pictures of me in front of so many baseball and football stadiums by myself. It's a stranger holding the camera. And I remember this English woman that I just see all the time back in the day. I haven't talked to her in a long time. She was married to a buddy of mine,

and one fortunately passed away. She was saying that I should turn it into a coffee book called Billy No Mates. And she was cracking up. And I kind of understood it. She goes, and then she explained it to me. She goes, that's an actual expression where I come from. Like if you go into a bar, you go into a pub and you see a guy drinking alone, you know, you say, hey, you know, right, look at Billy Nomates down there.

So she thinks that. And she was saying that. And I remember I still didn't quite get why it was weird that I went to these games by myself. Like that is, that's really fucking weird, right? I mean, I didn't even try to chat up the people next to me. I learned quickly to not say, oh, I'm a comedian. I'm in town. I was doing a college gig.

I do remember going to a Cincinnati Reds game. and it was a day game and it was cold it was early in the year and it's right on the river and uh i remember getting hammered fucking hammered with three these three guys that were like skip and work somehow we started shooting the shit about baseball or whatever i don't know there was something about their vibe i let my guard down i told them what i was doing and uh If I was drinking, I was like, you know, I'll have a beer. I had a beer, and then I bought them around, and then we just started going back and forth. I do remember that, getting absolutely hammered.

Occasionally, I would bond with people. I also remember going to a Colorado Rockies game and this weirdo guy. I had on brand new white sneakers. And he's like, oh, they're brand new sneakers. And he just stepped on him. And it was just like, dude, what the fuck kind of white trash shit is that? Um, and he just did. it. And I was just like, this is where like, you know, when you wish you were like,

you know, some fucking John Claude von Dam guy. And this is where I punch you in the face because you disrespected me and my sneakers. But I was just like, all right, it's him and two other guys and I'm probably going to lose, definitely going to lose, because they're all going to beat the shit out of me. And I guess he just stepped on my sneakers and there's nothing I going to do about it. And my toe hurts. Oh, Billy no mates. Maybe if you were going to have fun. fucking game with somebody else. They wouldn't have taken liberties. All right, that's it. Thank you guys for listening. This is, what do we got? I'm going to have a bonus episode of the

Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcast from a Thursday gone by. That is it. That is all. And have a great weekend, you cons, and I'll talk to you on Monday. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrd. It's time for the Monday morning podcast for Monday. day, uh, December 18th, 2017. What's going on? How are you? How are you? Hey, look at you over there. You look good. You look good. Um, you know, a lot of people probably think I'm in a great mood with that Patriots victory, uh, yesterday, which is actually today, because I'm recording at night. But, uh, I just, uh, what? Can they fix that fucking rule? Okay. It's a catch. You caught the fucking ball.

You ran with the ball. You stick it over the goal line. It's a fucking touchdown. Des Bryant, a few years ago, fucking touchdown. The week before that, whoever the fucking cowboys played, was it the Lions? They should have won that game. I don't fucking get it. I don't understand how that rule is supposed to make it less confusing.

Nobody even touched the guy. He had control of the ball. I don't like the ground can't cause a fumble but it can cause an incomplete pass it can break up a pass so only if you're a receiver do you get fucked over by the ground but if you're running back

you're in the clear is that how it works they make a football move I'll tell you that's going to be the last one they're going to have to adjusted, that rule during the offseason, they have to fix it because that was for home field advantage throughout the playoffs. That was fucking huge.

And it's a fucking amazing game. Amazing fucking game, right? I think we both can agree with that on both sides. And by the way, cunty-ass fucking Steeler fans, remember I'm saying this shit for when the pendulum swings your fucking fucking. fucking way. All right. I hate one fucking

I hate those sports fans where if there's a bullshit call and it goes your way. Oh no. I mean, no, rolls and roll. That's like that 50 year old guy banging an 18 year old going, what? It's legal.

You know? There's no scumbaggery going on there. Yeah, that, I don't know. That whole fucking thing was just like, I'm trying to remember what happened at the end of the game. Okay, the game starts off great. I know I'm going to say the guy's fucking name wrong.

I've been too fucking busy. But seeing Ryan Shazir, is that I say, Shazir? You know, at the game, that was great to see. And he looked like he was in great spirits. And I was looking up like, like, I don't know if you guys know this, but like paralysis is a major fucking, like, phobia. You know, like when people go, I don't want to be burned to death. Like my thing is just fucking laying there

Not being able to move I don't know Like that just seems like the worst I don't know Worse than fucking death So to see that that guy's getting Feeling in his legs and that type of stuff Was I don't know

Some weird selfish way It was like a relief to me Probably should have thought of him first But I'm a selfish cut Living in Hollywood And that's why the good Lord's burning it down Um No let this even mean

You know what it was I actually felt great for the guy, but I grew up in such a fucked up part of the world that actually me saying something nice about him, I got weirded out, so then I had to be a dick throughout all of that. So anyways, what I'm trying to say is I'm really happy that that guy looks like he's going to be okay. Okay, that's what I was trying to say. So it starts off with that.

And then it's going to be another classic Patriot Steeler battle, which it was, we missed an extra point. Is that going to come back to Haun us? There's no way this game could go into over. time that's what I'm thinking and then all of a sudden dude the Steelers had the fucking game won. Who's kidding who? And then their last two possessions before we went with the go-ahead score. They kind of fucking played

a little alligator arm ball which allowed us to get back in it. Then Brady threw an interception but the guy dropped it. Sorry. The guy drops the ball. This is what I can remember. The dude dropped the fucking ball. That was the end of the game. And then Tony Romo goes, you don't want to get Don't want to get Don't take a chance.

was basically what I was saying we go down the field Brady to grunk Brady to grunk Brady to grunk Brady to grunk touchdown two point conversion Brady to gronk go fuck yourself all right that was like when Batman and Robin

on the TV show would be stuck in a fucking trap you know what I mean and we ended the episode let's that for the Cape Crusade and all of a sudden they break out and they beat the fuck out of everybody right that was the football version of that okay so then there's 50 something seconds left and now i'm not feeling comfortable because

they got fucking big ben and they have this great field goal kicker and i know that everybody's going to go into the fucking whatever the fuck they went into whatever that defense is that makes everybody look like joe montana including fucking uh jimmy garoppolo out there in san francisco i love how both quarterbacks who's the fucking guy in tennessee is it vini tester verde is he still playing Mike Moriarty What the fuck is? I can never remember his name

The kid from Oregon He marches down the field Go ahead score You know Against their fucking Well it's the end of the game So now we don't play defense So I guess the ratings increase

Is that what happens? Right They go ahead and win They go for the go ahead score And then fucking 49ers get the ball back And they just march right down The goddamn field The old right there, Fred

Anyways So it's like 56 Six seconds left. What the fuck? Just don't let him get out of bounds. Give him the middle of the field. I guess that's what they try to do. And what do we do?

What the fuck do we do? How many times is our defense going to do this to Tom Brady after he wins a fucking game? God knows we did it twice playing the Giants in the Super Bowl. Tom terrific, as Paul Verzi calls him, goes down the fucking field. And for the go-ahead score, all the defense has to do is stop him. Dante Samuel drops the fucking ball. Anyways, I don't want to

Let me stay on this year here So I don't know what this fucking defense is going to do So for whatever fucking reason Ben Rothersberger Fucking throws Was it a screen pass That goes for 69 fucking yards It was like the guy

It was like the guy All of a sudden we turned to like a third grade Pop Warner team Two guys bump into we other and the dude continues on down the fucking sideline now they're down at the 10 yard line and all I'm thinking well at the very least this is going to go into fucking overtime

right Ben goes back to pass throws it to the fuck was it a white dude I don't even remember everything happened so fast he caught the ball he goes in touchdown right well they're going to look to see if his knees down oh I think the ball moved to Cuntare I can't believe

I cannot fucking believe they called that back what more do you have to do to establish possession he's got the ball is he supposed to stop with 10 seconds left and hold it up to the ref this is a football

I have it in my hands try to run it in the guy did exactly what the fuck he was supposed to do he caught the ball headed to the end zone, reached out, and scored. They took it away from them. Then I think the, you know, this is when it comes down to coaching,

and this is why the Patriots win these games is the, when they fucking called the fucking touchdown back, it didn't look like the fucking Steelers knew what they wanted to do. I don't know what the hell that was. And I'm just basically telling you what the fuck you saw. Because I'm doing it Sunday night. I still can't believe that we Not even that we won the game.

I can't believe that that wasn't a catch and a touchdown. I don't know what else you have to do to show possession. You know what? For like the 19th time on this fucking podcast, I'm going to look up this rule and I'm going to read it. Reading NFL rules, it's like reading the Bible.

It's like what are they talking about? All right. That's why you have a pre-trick For all the dummies out I actually The amount of times I've sat down When I was younger And I tried to read the Bible

It's like Dude can we update this shit Can we put it in some Into some language that I can understand Because it might as well be in Latin I don't know what anybody's talking about Just know there's a lot of murder And incest in the beginning

It's just like I don't want to see the end of this movie All right NFL Rule NFL rule catching pass how many people completing a catch okay what in the fuck do you have to do

all right a player who makes a catch may advance the ball I'm aware of that a forward pass is complete by the offense or intercepted by the defense if a player

who is inbound. Number one, secures control of the ball in his hands or arms prior to the ball touching the ground, which I felt that guy did. See, the thing is you have to know what they consider securing the ball. I think he was supposed to hold it like an infant. And two, touches the ground inbounds with both feet or with any part of his body, in other's head, that was not applicable to this, all right? I guess it's applicable to every catch.

There was no out-of-bounds issue here, is what I'm saying. Number three, maintains control of the ball after A and B have been fulfilled until he has the ball long enough to clearly become a runner. That's another weird thing. It's like he's running while he catches it. He's a runner the whole fucking play. What we mean is running in full possession of the ball after fulfilling the requirements of number one.

in number two. A player has the ball long enough to become a runner when after his second foot is on the ground he is capable of avoiding or warding off impending contact of an opponent. What if it's a bang, bang, play? I guess then it's

not a catch. Well, I guess they call that all the time. Okay. Comma, tucking the ball away, turning upfield, or taking additional steps. So that's what happens, I think, at the goal line is when you're that close and there's that little time left, you don't have time and you're falling to the ground.

You don't have time to tuck the ball away. Okay, they have to put something here for this goal line shit or for some first down situations where they have to be able to understand that somebody is reaching the ball forward to either get a first down or a touchdown. Maybe that's what it is. I guess because he didn't tuck the ball away. If a player has control of the ball, a slight movement of the ball will not be considered a loss of possession. He must lose control of the ball in order to rule that there has been a loss of possession.

So he has to establish control and then lose control. If the player loses the ball while simultaneously touching both feet or any part of his body to the ground, it's not a catch. all right so both feet were on the ground so they thought he lost control of the ball or never had it to begin with despite the fact that he caught it and then turned upfield for those final whatever three yards saw the goal line took the ball and reached over the fucking goal line i just feel like for me when you fucking have the ball and you're like if he wasn't in control he wouldn't have done something like that. He wouldn't have been going like like fucking fucking juggling the fucking juggling the fucking thing.

All right. End zone catches. The requirement for a catch in the end zone are the same as the requirements for a catch in the field of play. Note in the field of play if a catch of a forward pass has been completed after which contact by a defender

causes the ball to become loose before the runner is down by contact, it is a fumble. and the ball remains alive. That all makes sense. In the end zone, the same action is a touchdown because the play is automatically over. Okay, I understand that.

That makes sense. All right, four, ball touches ground. If the ball touches the ground after the player secures control of it, it is a catch, provided the player continues to maintain control. All right, so they didn't think he either secured it or had control of it.

So what constitutes having control of it? or securing the ball Jesus fucking Christ I mean do you feel any closer to having an answer for that? I don't um

anyways so here's a bright side if you're a Steeler fan um in this weird way I was kind of hoping the Patriots were going to lose that game

even though we would have to play you guys in Pittsburgh I just feel like both teams are so evenly matched that it's going to be very hard for one of the two teams to beat each other twice to sweep the other team.

So I was thinking like, well, if we lose, then Belichick is going to figure out what they're fucking doing and then he'll correct it. He's done that time and again and he'll avenge the loss.

God knows we've gone into Pittsburgh enough time and won there so we know we can do that. But now, I don't know. I don't know about this one. I don't know Like That was just a weird

It was just a weird ending to a game Okay And in all of that What's going to be forgot Is that we gave up 69 yards On a fucking screen pass At the end of the fucking game And should have lost

But we did So now we're going to be home I don't know I don't know That was That was weird That was a weird one that was just a weird one

but thank God in Pittsburgh they've gone back to back with Stanley Cups okay so they can fucking they can stick both those in their ears so they don't have to listen to the dad fucking crying in the other room I don't know what to tell you guys that was you know

I don't know I am now fascinated with this I am officially after this is the third time I've seen a team get fucked over on a touchdown or winning the game I have to figure out what the fuck when do you like

tucking the ball away like there's so many times when you're like fourth in a couple of yards where you have to catch and people are coming in you got to grab it and fucking reach forward to get a first down I don't know I have no idea

but you know it's funny on Twitter they were blaming the Patriots Like somehow this is our shit You know Packers You know you could shit on the Packers Couldn't you Didn't they benefit from that Cowboys benefited and got fucked

I don't fucking know I don't know Somehow I know it'll somehow Go back to deflategate Somehow it'll go back to that shit once again You know what I mean? I swear to God Anyways plowing ahead I just got back from Orlando Florida

In Fort Lauderdale Florida Two of the most fun shows I had this year. Just great crowds. I was down there with Forrest Shaw. And it's great, man. I'm just not drinking, dude. So I'm getting up early.

I've been practicing my drums. Kind of hard to practice drums now when I, it's just like when we edit, a lot of the times my daughter's up. And then the one window I have to play is like this time at night right now when she goes to go to sleep. so I can't be a douche

so I don't not playing as much as I would like to play but I saw I watched two amazing documentaries on Netflix I was embarrassed by my I'll show you know

do you guys know like on your Netflix homepage like everybody's homepage is different because they sort of watch what you watch they have like this fucking thing and then like whatever you're into you know what I mean you guys why am I going to explain to you people how it works you know how it fucking works so everybody's is different so

what mine became was everything that i was watching see now it's cool again but what it was before was everything was just fucking drug cartels behind the scene prison shit um what else to the It was all just, yeah, it was just all shit like that. And then, yeah, it was just all prisons, drug dealers, people getting killed all of this shit. So I watched two fucking documentaries. Like, guys, I got to watch some other shit to switch this up a little bit. And I watched the John Coltrane documentary. And then I watched one called, I called him Morgan, which was about this trumpet player that I'd never heard of before called Lee.

guy's name was Lee Morgan and I cannot tell you how great a player the guy is and it's an amazing documentary really sad too but since I did that

I watched two things with black people in it I now have a thing Nat King Cole they got she's got to have it up here something about Richard Pryor but I also got better call Saul you know what I mean

there's a way to do this because you're going to miss all this other cool shit If you just keep going down the rabbit hole watching the same shit I got a Jimmy Hendricks thing I got the Jerry Seinfeld comedian I got one of the Star Wars movies

Something about Mike Tyson Right I think it's funny They got that whole Something on Jaco Pistorius Funny say his fucking name World War II in color Right there you go

No more prison shit This is great Perfect Pulp Fiction I like it now. It was going too far the other direction. Like, oh, this is all this guy wants to see. Because I watched this thing.

They were like, you know, before, never seen behind the scenes in a Russian prison. And they were showing these guys. And as bad as the prison was, what's great about it is if you commit a bad enough crime, you don't have to worry about getting raped. Because they don't leave you alone. They're staring at you, 24 fucking 7. Um, I didn't watch it that long enough. All I know was the crimes these guys committed were so fucking horrific.

And then they cut to the, um, the warden. And he goes, I have no sympathy for these people whatsoever. And I was just like, yeah, neither do I. This guy killed a whole family and then like took their bodies out in the woods and fucking lit them on fire. And it's just like, yeah, fuck that guy. And the guy sitting there going, you know, you got to be really strong mentally here or you're not going to make it.

It's just like, I, I hope you. don't I yeah so I watched 10 minutes of it and I agreed with the warden and I shut it off and then I just looked at my page at that point and that's all it was um but anyways I got to tell you that um Lee Morgan was a guy I believe who did he start out with I watched so much shit this weekend the fuck did he start out with he started out with felonious monk I can't remember he played a little bit with John Coltrane and then he got into uh with Art Blakey the messengers and then he went out on his own but like his playing is just he's he's one of the guys you know what I mean I don't know like you know like guitar players there's a bunch of guys that

can fucking shred and then there's the guy that makes your fucking hair stand up on your arm like that guy's one of the guys he's that with the trumpet the name of the thing is called I called him Morgan I forget what the John Coltrane was but the Coltrane one was on a whole other level where it actually makes you want to be a better person. That's the only way to describe it. His fucking worldview was incredible. I didn't know a lot about him. You know, I'm the typical John Coltrane Hackey fan.

Like, I have a Love Supreme, you know, but I should get all those other ones, Blue Train and all that type of stuff. But I always went down the Miles Davis road, like wherever he went. whoever he played with, I just kind of followed all the way through that. And I know Coltrane was with them twice. He got fired one time and the second time he left.

And so then I just followed Miles into his second, was it quartet or quintet? I think quintet. And that's the one with Tony Williams. And then I just stayed with Tony right through Lifetime and all the shit he was doing. And I kind of missed all those other guys. So I'm finally going back. and listening to all these guys. And that fucking music is incredible.

It's fucking incredible. And the way they shoot it and the black and white when you see the video and stuff, it's unbelievable. And there's this weird thing where you wouldn't think with jazz there's like a danger to it,

but there's like a fucking edge to it that is, I don't know, it's compelling. And I wish they had more documentaries like that on, uh, on Netflix. So if people know some other streaming service or some shit where I can watch it because I would watch

about anybody from that. And then I ended up finding out like Shelley, is it Shelly Man or Shelly Maine? He's a famous jazz drummer, a white dude. And through watching the Coltrane thing, I saw that he played a gig. And he had this, this, Shelly Man had this place called

Shelly Man's Manhole or Shelly's Manhole or something like that. And I was sitting there going, like, I wonder where that was in L.A. Because nothing has ever preserved in L.A. And I found out that it's right on Kowanga, just north of sunset, right around the corner from Big Wangs, where I used to go there all the time before I was married and watch games and all that shit. And I just was thinking, like, Miles Davis, John Coltrane, all these monster fucking players. all played live right around the corner for where me and my friends were

like 50 years later going, dude, all day, all day, why the fuck would you run it there? Like how much that block dropped off. But a very un-L.A. thing, I guess there's some sort of commemorative thing to that jazz club in the sidewalk there. Like, not like a star or anything,

but I thought that was pretty cool. So anyways, all right. So there's that. Check out both those documentaries if you're into that type of shit. I know I'm all over the map here. Little music, little sports. Maybe I'm a little, maybe this is a nice little fucking balance here for once. All right, I do have some sad news here. And this really is sad news. I lost another advertiser. Now, if you're a fan of the podcast, you know this shit happens all the fucking time to me. All right? There's people that, you know, they don't quite appreciate my colorful way that I try to sell the products.

But these people, they hung in there for a long time. And they finally had enough of me. And I just want to thank them for being on the podcast. I had a great time reading their copy. Farewell to Sherry's Barry's. Evidently, I finally went too far when I somehow made a clan reference while reading about chocolate-covered strawberries. I thought it was funny. You know?

I was with Harris Stan and he, you know I guess if I was by myself And I made the Klan reference It would seem weird But I was in the room with another black guy Not another black guy With another black guy with the black guy right

With another guy who was black That's how I was trying to say it right So then obviously Doesn't that obviously mean That I'm just fucking around? I don't know I had a great time reading your shit You're definitely welcome back Any time

Anytime he'd like to come back We'd love to have you back I love reading your copy. Your fucking strawberries are delicious. But I get it. You know what I mean? It's a very sensitive time out there. We have to really be conscious of what we're affiliated with.

God forbid, the Grand Dragon starts fucking ordering some goddamn strawberry. I don't know. I don't know what. People in advertising are, you know what their problem is? Is they're trying to please everybody? You know? And if they were just collectively, if they could just grow, a dick in some fucking balls

and just be happy with selling strawberries or nature's box or whatever the fuck it is your blue apron, all these people who fucking walked off this podcast. If you would just focus on the fuck, all the money that you you know,

do you know what I would be like if I tried to make everybody laugh? I would have a puppet. I don't know what I would have. I would work totally clean. I would I would, not saying any, having a puppet's bad. Not saying working clean is bad, but I would just, I would stop. You step, what happens is, what happens is basically, you step outside yourself and then you start watching yourself thinking, what do they want?

And then the second you do that shit, you're done. All right. So Sherry's Barry's, I think you're making a terrible mistake here. You know? But I'm letting you know the door is always open. I'll let you back in. Like a battered wife, you know, in a bad fucking relationship. I'll let you back in

And then you can try to fuck you know what's funny about these advertisers They always want to talk to me And there's The rule on the podcast is I don't talk to any of them Okay I'm not talking to you This is just some bullshit I do To make people fucking laugh

And to promote my gigs Okay I'm not going to start having fucking conference calls About chocolate covered fruit There's only so many hours in the day You know Anyways Happy trails guys All right. I'll still order your strawberries. No heart feelings.

All right. Okay. Man crate, everybody. Man crate. Oh, you know what? These sons of guns, they sent me the... No, these sons are bitches. I said sons of guns because I was fucking thinking about, ooh, who, who, who, oh, oh! Don't fuck, don't offend the strawberry people. Man crates. These sons of bitches sent me, uh, they sent me a bunch of booze. They sent me all this cool grill stuff. It actually comes in a crate.

You feel like a man when you open it up. It's fantastic. I can't recommend this enough. Now, I'm not saying that I'm not going to make a clan reference or anything like that when I'm selling this stuff. Oh, look who's here. Look who's here. Was I too loud?

No, no, no. I text you because I just close the door the whole way. You're going to call who? Who's a decorator? Oh, all right. Come on out. Come here. Come here.

Do you know no more Sherry's berries? I know. You burned that bridge. What do you mean? I didn't burn the bridge. It was a fucking bridge was on fire when they got there. Oh, you're such a bad boy. I'm not saying it like that.

I'm saying like what I meant by that. over yourself. He's such an asshole. Why did I marry you? What? Why did I marry you? I always know when you're full of shit. Because you were in love.

Nia, what I meant was I was already doing this shit when they got with me. Don't try to change me, Sherry's berries. This is right here. Yeah, you get it. You're a dangerous comic. You never know it's going to come out of your mouth. Ooh. What's he going to say now?

He's so edgy and controversial. I'm not. You are. I'm not. You love it. You love being like the outlier of the whole thing, don't you? You love it. Admit it.

No, I just know what I'm doing. I know what I'm doing. Okay. What are you doing? I'm fucking reading advertising and people don't want to hear it. So you're trying to make it fun. So the show doesn't stop. You just keep fucking around.

These fucking dopes who sold shit understood that. for two seconds. Everybody, all these other fucking podcasts, you know what they do? They press fast forward. They blow right through it. Okay.

It fucking works. Yeah. It's a little late for that. Now that you trash me, you dress me down. Yeah, well, you'll be okay. Oh, dear.

What are you doing, Nia? We're on the podcast. I can't listen to her crying. I know. That's the hardest thing is when you set them down, they're totally fine.

They're just crying, and they're trying to get you to pick them up and you can't fucking do it. Anyways. Whole sleep draining. All right. We ready here? Now that you fucking dress me down here.

Okay, you know what, Nia? I will, you want you to read this copy straight? Sure. Let's see. Let's see if you can do it. I can totally do it. You want to bet? No, I mean, you can do it.

I just wasn't trying to be like that. But go ahead. Do it. Okay. All right, there you go. See, Nia? Wasn't that enjoyable? Yeah, I mean.

Was it dangerous? I seem like I was trying to get a danger reward there? No. I'm just being silly. Okay. He can be so mean sometimes. Hey, I'm on trade number three. Trade number three of Invisadouche, Operation Invisidush.

My teeth are starting to move. I have a couple announcements. Patrice O'Neill, if you want to, hey, you guys want a great gift idea. Patrice O'Neill Comedy Benefit. Get two tickets for the person you love, stuff. and their goddamn stalking and come out and see the show on February 20th

at the New York City Center in Manhattan. If you don't live in Manhattan, it's a great excuse to come to New York City and check it out before the entire thing becomes a giant bed bath and beyond. All right. What am I up to here?

39, 40 minutes. All right, can you help me out here, Neil, with the... Yeah. She's sleeping, right? No, she's getting that. What is she doing? Looks like she is.

Yeah. She's still squirming? She thrushed around a bit, but now she's... All right. Oh, also, Santa Steve. Steve Simone, the great Steve Simone and regular hero are raising money again this year for children fighting cancer and their families. Monday morning podcast listeners helped raise $15,000 last time around, and it had a huge impact

on a lot of families. Their stories are brutal and every bit helps. The goal this year's 50 grand will tweet a link today. Thank you guys so much. You've already been ridiculously generous this year. Thank you very much. All right, MP3 player. All right, Nia, you're going to be in on this here?

You're going to help me out here? Yeah. Okay. You don't sound too enthused. Would you like your own microphone? No. That's okay. I'll just use yours.

I think it'd be better if you had your own microphone. Talk to the people. No, he's. Talk to the people for a minute. People... You're in a fashion. Describe what I'm wearing right now. Bill is wearing a pair of pajamas that I got him for Christmas, not last year, but maybe the year before.

Last year. Was it last year? A pair of pajamas that I got him last year. Oh, I don't have another mic. And he looks like he's on that show My Two Dads. Three Sons. Oh, my three sons. I look more My Three Sons.

Do, do, do, do. Yeah, my three dads was, no, my two dads. Was a porno? No, it was an 80s show about a girl who had two dads for a reason that I can't really recall. For the situation comedy of it? Maybe her mom died and her mom wasn't sure which one was her dad, so they were both her dad.

Or maybe she was dating one, but the other one was her dad? I don't really know, but it was my two dads, and I used to watch it. Sounds like the jizz was flying around. All right, MP3 player. I know. What do you want me for me?

MP3 player. Hey, Billy Redface. Merry Christmas, dude. Aw. Thank you. My suggestion, Merry Christmas to you too. My suggestion for MP3 player is the Apple Watch. Fuck you.

I'm trying to get out. I'm trying to get out of them. I'm trying to get away from Apple. Okay? Because I have all this other music and they just won't recognize it. And I'd buy it off of them, but they don't have it. All right. Whatever.

I'll listen to you. I know it's more than an MP3 player, but that's the great thing, is you get so much more for the money. The big drawback is that you can only use Bluetooth headphones with it. That's the thing about Apple, and let me guess, only Bluetooth headphones made by fucking Apple. Other than that, I like that it stays strapped to your wrist so you don't need to carry anything else with you.

If you've got the Series 3 with the L, this sounds like a giant commercial for this thing. But, you know, I did ask. The Series 3 with LTE, it doubles as a phone. so what do you talk to your wrists like fucking captain kirk the call time is very limited i'm not doing this why would i do this i'm okay friend who smells like anus

oh boy hey you redheaded mick bastard um i don't give a shit what are you gonna do what about that thing i told you what did you think about that what you know matt damon commented on that's the stuff going on in hollywood so this person wrote an article about him and they go Matt Damon a white male blah blah blah blah blah like it was just like who doesn't

know he's a white guy like what does that mean it means that maybe he should shut his big white trap is that not race baiting that's like some fox news shit there was no reason to say what his race was or his sex was there and the person there was nothing anything else they just said that he was a white male and then they just continued on with the fucking thing it's fucking this is such a it's i swear to god watching i don't know it's just i don't get if you just gonna if you just just say listen now i'm now it's my turn to be a douche then i'm fine with it but don't fucking act like you're a better person because you're not i mean that's that's a fuck i mean you keep what you're looking at me like you can't you can't you can't

fucking go wrongs don't make a right nothing what do you mean two wrongs don't make it right that's total that's fucking race baiting race baiting who all stereotypes about fucking with this whole thing about sexual harassment

is that what race baiting is just saying that someone's a white male how is that race baiting this is so funny I sound like a black person right now and you sound like a white person what all we said was that he was just white I don't understand what you mean race baiting to some

call somebody what they are a white male oh you're saying that if this was like fox news they'd be no this is no this is what they were doing tyrell jackson a black male was spotted at the blah blah like the way they do that type of share i'm saying the reason that they added that detail was because he was commenting on sexual harassment and white guys positions of power and all of that so what they was saying in there is they just say white male so then you can go with all your your stereotypes and be like, oh, totally privileged, didn't have to work for shit in a position of power, he doesn't understand this, like all this negative shit where it was no longer Matt Damon. It was hashtag white male trash. That's what the fucking guy was doing or woman,

whoever wrote that fucking article. That's what bugged me. Whether you agreed with what he said or not is a completely different thing. But I just, I just was like, what the fuck does that? Who the fuck doesn't know Matt Damon's a white guy? It's not like he's just some It's like they had a fucking picture of him anyways If he was some complete nobody I see the picture It was a giant picture

Of Matt Damon's white head And they go Matt Damon a white male You know what they're doing That's that feminist fucking psycho shit What do you mean feminist psycho shit? That fucking psycho shit

White male trash All that shit that they're doing That literally doing the shit Not saying all of them are doing it, but they're doing that shit where they're fighting this thing that they are literally becoming. Well, Matt Damon should relate.

No, no, no, no. Keep it out. I'm not talking about what he said. I'm talking about that fucking detail. It was fucking weird. Just throw in there, Matt Damon, comma, a white male. Matt Damon, white male. It's like male prostitute. I just remember what the fuck does that have to do with anything?

And then I read the gist of the article. I'm like, oh. Oh, I see why you threw that. in there. Yeah. Well, because I mean, he's speaking like a typical white guy. So, yeah, it was a Wow. Look at that. Look at all this getting thrown around. Well, what? You, Nia, you know how they are. You know how those white guys are. Where you feel like I'm secretly, I secretly hate people. No, no, no. I'm just, I'm actually in a way enjoying this shit. Why? Because of all that, hey, white guys are evil and blah, blah, blah, blah. And I just, no, the human beings who have too much

fucking power. I would agree with that. And when you have too much power as a nation or as a fucking race or as sex, you tend to, it's very hard to not overstep your bounce. Okay? And what I am now seeing as the pendulum is changing is that people, what I always felt

is people just, they're going to behave the same way. It's not going to become better. It's just somebody else will then get in power and then behave the exact same fucking way. While they pat them themselves on the back saying how great they are, like white guys who did a bunch of horrific shit and then put up statues of themselves.

Does that make sense? That's an interesting point. Ooh. Ouch. All right. Friend who smells like anus. Your beard is like kind of out of control right now. Don't you think? When did you come over here?

Like it's a little bushy. Isn't it? Yeah. What's going on? What's a what's a happening hot stuff? That's racist. Did Dollar Shave Club not hook you up this month? What's going on?

I don't know. I just... It's like fucking Robinson Caruso. It was funny. I've heard that name my whole life. I don't even know who that is. Did he get stuck on an island or is he like a... I think so.

I don't even know. We got to look it up now. It's something from literature. It's a book. Oh, there you go. There's your quote for the week, everybody. It's something from literature. That's what I married

And made a child with It's something from literature Shipwrecked It's some white dude Probably trying to explore some island Robinson Caruso A white man Yeah

Trying to act like he discovered some shit When people already live there That's probably what it was I'd go with all of that I had a big argument with somebody about that About what About the whole You can't discover some shit

When people are already there And this guy actually argued with me He goes Well he was discovering it for himself and the people didn't know, but it's just like... No. He's not talking about Christopher Columbus? I forget who he was talking about. Yeah, because fuck that guy.

What do you mean? Fuck that guy. Fuck that guy. Fuck Christopher Columbus. If he didn't come, you wouldn't have met me. Wow. Really? Listen, Nia, you know, to make an omel, you got to break a few eggs. Oh, my God. The things that come out of your mouth. Oh, fucking. Nia, adults listen to this.

They know I'm fucking. around. Jesus fucking Christ. The cunts out there, we'll take that clip and we'll see the trouble I get in it. That's a classic one for Huffington Post. Fucking douchebags. We'll clip that out of it. Oh, those low-hanging fruit douchebags.

All right, Robinson Caruso. Huh? Crusoe. The way it's spelled, C-R-U-S-O-E. Robinson Crusoe? Everyone says Robinson Caruso, but it looks like Crusoe. I say Caruso, because I always think of Ray Caruth. first published on the 25th of April 1719

The first edition is blah blah blah Plot summary Jesus, let's get to the cliff notes This is too long Crusoe Joins an expedition to bring slaves from Africa But he's shit Yeah, who gives a fuck about this guy

But he was shipwrecked Moving on In his storm That's exactly what I thought That's exactly what I thought I didn't know what about that Next Did they do a second version where that wasn't in there?

Oh, God. No, they make him out like he's some fucking hero, though, don't they? Cannibals. Discovered name of cannibals, an island kill and eat prisoners. Oh, God. You know what? Yeah, I don't give a shit.

It's for his arrival there. Only he and three animals. The captain's dog and two cats survived the shipwreck. Overcoming his despair, he fetches arms, tools, and supplies. So basically white people read this, ignore the slavery part, and then root for this white guy to come home because they put themselves in their place. What an adventure. Get out of here. All right.

How did we get on the subject of that guy? Oh, you said my beard. Right, because I said your beard was too much. All right. Well, the three musketeers? Robinson Caruso. Christopher Columbus. Matt Damon.

White males. Wasn't a white males that really need to shut the fuck up. Why do they need to shut the fuck up? That's such an ignorant statement. It's not ignorant. It isn't, Nia. You can't want, if you tell people to shut the fuck up, then they're not going to listen to your point.

That, like, what you just said there is how people try and communicate in the internet, where they start things off with, hey, shit dick, maybe if you fucking didn't have your head up your ass, and they could actually be making a good point, but they started that way. if you tell people that they need to shut the fuck up and then what listen to you what what sort of human being is going to be receptive to what you have to say if that's the way you're going you're dipping into the pool that is because i'm thinking about other things that matt damon has said

the other like sort of stanzas that he's taken and i just feel like he is really arrogant and he's not really as worldly and understands people as well as he thinks that he does and He's in a very, like, small little bubble, and I'm just, I'm not here. You've never met this guy. And I guarantee if you went to a Christmas party out there and he was there, you'd be like, oh, my God, Matt Damon's here. Maybe a couple years ago, I would have. Oh, Jesus Christ. Everybody needs to just fucking just, just relax a little bit.

This is where my problem was. Like, first of all, this wasn't even about that. This wasn't even about what the fuck he said. What it was about was that that fucking person says, Matt Damon. White male. A white male. I'm just saying. That's all I'm talking about.

I don't give a fuck about all of that other shit. I'm trying to stay out of that shit. No, you don't, but I'm trying to say why I, but that's a whole other thing, having to do with Project Greenlight and the last season and the way he was. All right. Oh, dear, what are you doing?

Geez, he's already getting enough fucking shit. You can throw more crap on the fire? I mean, too. Oh, all right. Sorry. I'm sure you want to do a movie with him one day. Sorry. No, that's not what I'm saying.

I'm not trying You're such You are such an asshole On this, why did I invite you And that's not why I'm saying that Now you made me look like a fucking asshole Yeah Hollywood phony Stop trying to get into bed with all these guys

I'm not That's not the point of any of this First of all, he's not This is the thing This is the thing that every dumb mistake People think if you get to know the actor, they're going to get you in the movie. They're not. They're not.

That's not how that works. They're trying to keep their own fucking head above water. They don't have fucking time for you. And can I play your fucking postman? They don't give a shit, all right? Jesus fucking Christ. I got to tell you, you're killing it on this podcast because every time I try to make a fucking point, you trash me in such a way that it just destroys anything I'm trying to say.

I'm just saying, I'm just, you know. Jesus Christ. I can't make fun of the Huffington Post and then get somebody else in trouble for some bullshit they already got in trouble for That's what I'm saying I'm leaving it alone

Okay I'm leaving it alone Fuck All right friend who smells like anus For the 90th fucking time I'll tell you need I think you're banned from this podcast Can I read it? Huh?

Can I read it? Yeah, go ahead You read it Thank you Big fan of the podcast My friend and I saw you And Mr. Don't forget this part

You already read that Hey you redheaded Mick Bastard That's offensive Now somebody's going to take that Someone's going to take that And cut out the part Where you said that's offensive

I just wanted you on tape Saying hey you redheaded Mick Bastard I love it All right Big fan of the podcast My friend and I saw you And Mr. Verzee

Do stand up in Albany, New York Phenomenal show My question is about women's hygiene oh boy my two buddies and I have a friend that is a very nice person and he wears very preppy clothing however however she smells like a bag of rotten clams the odor has become so bad that the three of us have questioned whether wearing a gas mask around her this person needs to write better as men we know it is not right to tell a woman she smells like ass but we don't know what else to do. Should we tell her or con one of her friends into telling her. Thanks,

Bill. Keep up the hilarious podcast and go fuck yourself. First of all, you are so unoriginal by being like she smells like a bag of rotten clams, you know, clams, pussy. Second of all, if you're not fucking this broad, no, you don't have anything to say. Next. Here, you answer. All right, Nia got a little defensive. Nia, can I ask you a question? If you walked around smelling like a bag of rotten clams, wouldn't you want somebody to give you a heads up before you became a... A very nice person and wears very preppy clothing. However, she smells like, what does that have to do with...

I don't get it. Oh, because she's nice and she wears nice clothes, but she smells like clams. A bag of rotten clams. A bag of rotten clams. This sounds like an exaggeration. Give me a break. Smell so bad.

The three of us have questioned weather wearing a gas mask. Why are you... around her what like where's the rest of your sentence first of all learn how to write a sentence properly then maybe i can why are you getting so defensive like they said you smell like a bag of rotten clams this is this fucking thing you're just defending this person because she's a you know what you insert yourself in the story and you would be the person what i'm supposed to do isn't it i'm supposed to put myself in the scenario i guess so so now what i'm trying to do is i'm trying to help pull you out of that oh okay and say that you in no way shape or shape or form smell like a

Ragged Rotten Clamps. Yeah, maybe I'm a little edgy tonight. All right, fine. Okay. So what would you say? How can they tell her? All right, this woman, okay, probably wants to find love at some point. And you're not going to, you're really limiting, you know, she's got to find somebody

that works in some sort of chemical plant that's destroyed a sense of smell. Maybe she's got some sort of, like, medical issue. Yeah, sometimes you could have, like, literally a sinus infection that can give you a really bad breath. There's all kinds of stuff, like, you know, and this is a thing, like guys, like, it's not like I never ran into a woman that didn't, wasn't so fresh and so clean, you know, and I, there's no way to tell them because it, the embarrassment of it. Yeah. What should they do? Singing Telegram? You smell like ass, like ass, like ass.

Um, how can they do that? I, I would actually, uh, I would, I would actually think that she needs, if she's dressing nice and all that type of stuff, meaning she's clean, I would say that she probably needs to see a doctor and it's probably something with her diet. I'm just, this is just shit that I've heard. Diet. Um, or I don't know. Maybe she's stressing a lot. I have no idea, but. I honestly don't know how you would handle that.

Well, how, how would you? handle it okay if they it's it's like the end of a tom cruise movie and you got to clip the right fucking wire it blows up in your face okay first first thought how you doing it i think you you take you take them out not on like a day but just hang out and just be like listen i love you so much you are such an amazing person you are the best you're the best you're you're you're breaking up with me um no no no no i just feel like you know sometimes i just notice like like an odor coming from you so I don't know if I don't know if like I don't know if like your your washing machine isn't working you know or like the why would she put her vagina in a washing machine they're not

smelling her vagina they're smelling her B.O right oh when I heard clams I thought the problem was in the basement exactly exactly they're talking about her BO I would assume oh but me could be Halotosis, it could be... That's what I'm saying. If you're not fucking her, like, what do you care? You know, but... Because they like her. They want to hang out with her, but she smells like fucking...

I'm sorry, he said a bag of clamps. I don't know what to tell you. Yeah. She smells like low tide there. Low tide there. Yeah, maybe you're washing your... What do you call it? Washing machine isn't working effectively or you should try a different...

I know what I would do. Detergent. What would you do? I get two of those spray aerosol cans of, like, deodorant, and I dress like a cowboy. I walk into the bar and go, hands up. And when she did, I go, sorry, I got nothing. I don't know. I would try to have, I would have, I would talk to a female friend of hers and tell her to do it because it will be less embarrassing and just say you're just giving her the heads up.

You know what? I had a friend, and I still have this friend, and we had someone that we worked with, someone who I'm actually still a friend with. Was it a white male? Yeah. And he would talk about how my friend's breath stink, and I would always, like, laugh because he was right. Her breath did stink a lot, and I would always offer her gum. Gum, mince, oh, you want one, you want one, and she would always refuse. So it's like, what can I do? You have to sit her now. and say, bitch, you stink.

No, sorry. I brought this in stink anymore, but at the time. Because probably somebody told her. Yeah, probably. All right, dad cheating on mom. Dear Billy Skankles. Please do not say my name. Oh, he's got a jokey name.

He's got a jokey name. Ha, ha, ha. Why are you such a drag all of a sudden? One fucking stinky clam thing, and now? come on man lighten up yeah sorry sorry everybody i should be in a bad mood the way you've been trashing me on this i invite you on to my show i already lost sherry's berries they're walking out of my life and then i got to listen to you trash me all right i have been a fan of yours since the year 2000 remember that bit how great was that bit the year 2000

i fucking love that bit Conan o'brien show everybody i love hearing your podcast every week i it as a escape as an escape from my shitty life i want to ask you for your advice but a month ago i started to notice my father would talk to a co-worker who happens to be a lady i didn't think much much of it seeing as how he's been happily married for the past 27 years i checked my dad's phone number my phone the other day he usually has me fix his phone since he doesn't understand technology upon checking his phone I saw a couple of texts and a picture that they have been sending each other

All right A couple of texts I don't know what was in the text And I don't know what the picture was He doesn't need to be sending pictures of himself To another woman Yeah I don't know what to do I have looked up this guy for 25 years

Oh no And now I feel crushed seeing the piece of shit he is Should I confront him And tell him to stop Or else I'll tell my mother Bill, can you please help me? Thank you and go fuck yourself from Adolf Stalin. Ooh, just in time for Christmas.

What would you do? What would you do, baby? What would you do? If you had to give your life freedom, what will you do? I don't know what I would. do. I would, I would, uh, just say I was, you know, I was fixing your phone the other day and I saw this picture of this woman. Who is she? I would do. There you go. He'd probably lie. Just know that he's probably going to lie to you. I mean, you can't confront him and just say, hey, like, what's the guy was, you know, you had me fix your phone. I saw these pictures and these texts, like, what's going on? He's probably going to get upset. Why are you reading my text? I didn't ask you to do that. I just asked you to get me off. airplane mode or whatever the fuck it is that he he did you know

why are you looking right right right right right he's probably going to get really really upset with you and he's going to lie and he's going to deny it and then he's going to be probably overly sweet to your mom in front of you I don't know but you're this guy for 25 years now

yeah it's a hard thing to realize that your parents are not as perfect and great and upstanding as you thought they were that sucks so what you think He should just go up and ask them? I mean, if it's, yeah, he should just say, like, hey, I just saw these pictures. Like, you know, I don't know what they were, but I thought they were maybe something inappropriate,

but maybe I'm wrong, and it's just been bothering me. But like I said, just- Maybe that'll make him stop. Be prepared that he is going to get very pissed at you. He might not. He might be fucking embarrassed. I don't know. And it's probably going to make him be really upset and yell at him.

so but I feel bad for your mom that's the thing but who knows maybe your parents have an arrangement that you don't know about oh Jesus I don't know you got to consider all the possibilities here you know but unless his mom is at home just baking cookies and making dinner every night you know and being like what if she's just nagging them every night you just get sick of it maybe she's banging the mailman hey you know can we have a little sympathy for the guy who fucking wrote in here Jesus Christ I would go with her first advice all right over okay overrated underrated's back all right overrated outdoor hockey games i've been twice one at america park in detroit and another at the big house it's cold you can't see

the whole ice and it's hard to track the puck not to mention the blinding glare from the sun do yourself a favor save your money and watch it at home wow um underrated homemade french fries. If you're hosting a barbecue or just making burgers for the family, take the time and make some hand-cut fries. That sounds like the beginning of one of your advertisers. Double fry them and toss in sea salt. Oh, if you're feeling really ambitious, a homemade spicy ketchup will put it over the top.

Wow. Nice. Your Grand Rapids show at the church was great. Can't wait to hear those jokes again in your next special. I love that fucking. That's such a great gig. All right. Advice for a lady.

Is this the last one? Well, it's a long. It's a long one. Brace yourselves. Bill's going to be reading for a while. 22-year-old married to a 47-year-old. Oh, boy. Bad idea.

I'm calling it right now, but go ahead. All right. I have been putting off emailing you this because I feel pretty embarrassed, but I adore your podcast, your honest advice, and I have massive amounts of respect for you, so fuck it. If you do actually read this or take the time to respond, then thank you so much. I don't know why,

but I actually love when somebody uses the word adore. I adore your podcast. It seems so much more sincere than I love your podcast, but now that I put that out there, everyone's going to make fun of me and say how much they adore. I should probably start by saying that I was in a really bad spot when I first met my guy. I was 20 and he was 45.

I lost my mom when I was 17, the lung cancer, and then I lost the mother figure who had taken me in and I had stayed with for two years again to lung cancer. Jesus Christ. I never knew my dad. Oh, you knew that was coming. So I know there's some daddy issues in to play here, probably but anyways i felt like a giant curse two of my family members became ill and i was

falling behind in my degree the only happiness i had was going to concerts getting high and trying to forget my grief in the music yeah that sounds like what i would have done that was until i met my guy at one of the shows and everything started changing for the better he had the most amazing confident positive energy i had ever seen and i felt so unbelievably happy just by being around him we started dating. I fell in love hard. And fast forward, nine months later, we got married in Vegas, in Vegas on a trip visiting his family as he's American. I was drunk. The marriage is not registered in the UK and my family still doesn't know. Please don't judge me. I would never judge you. I'm a fucking mess. Everything is mostly wonderful between us and we have lived together

for a year now. He's a roadie and will typically spend a couple of months touring and then three months at home in that cycle. He is 100% trustworthy. I like that dynamic we have because I get my own time to focus on my freelance work, but the time apart keeps the love fresh and exciting, especially as we travel a lot when he is off to

work. That's kind of like our relationship. Or was before. Before the baby. Right. But he wants to start breeding within a couple years, and whilst he is someone I would start a family with,

I know I'm not ready for anything like that we've spoken about this and he said he would wait a few years but i still know i'm not going to be ready in a few years i still feel like a lost teenager most of the time i know what the responsibility i know what the responsible thing to do is which is to end it but he's been the reason the last couple of years of my life have been so much brighter and happier than they have in so long he's great in bed super thoughtful and generous no it isn't a sugar daddy thing but it's nice having someone and want to look after you. I just don't know what to do it all.

I really don't want to lose him, but he's 47 now and wants kids as soon as possible. I don't want to be a cunt and knowingly waste his time. I do have a good... Jesus. Okay, two more paragraphs. I do have a good circle of friends that I'll be absolutely fine alone slash single,

but I just don't want to regret throwing away a good relationship. Over this, P.S., I'm so glad you liked Manchester. We loved you here. I fucking loved going to Manchester. I had a great time. And I would love to go to Liverpool and Newcastle. I would like to do more of those cities up there next time I come over. I would love to meet you and the beautiful Nia in England one day just so I can shake the hand

and thank you in person for making a post-unee existential crisis so much more bearable. I don't even know what that means. Stay shiny and go fuck yourself. All right. Look, you've been through a lot of shit. Okay. And you married this guy nine months in. It's not what he wants is not what you want.

And here's the deal. Okay, as much as you're going to feel like you're an asshole for doing this to this guy, what kind of a fucking 45-year-old guy marries a 20-year-old? Well, he's 47 now and she's 22. Yeah, but it. And wants to, like, knock her up right away and all that other kind of stuff. Yeah, I mean, he, yeah, it seems like. How do you not know that that's coming?

Yeah. I mean, she didn't. She's young, you know. No, no, no, I'm saying. How does he know that this isn't coming? Oh, I don't know. I mean, I just feel like he's like on, you know, the middle and age. he's a middle age and so he's freaking he's not middle age she's over the hill i'm so sick of

people saying 47 why isn't that middle age 47 times two come on artist what is it um 94 yeah how many people make it the 94 not a lot like 94 people make it to 94 yeah like 35 is middle age yeah 35 times two is 70 you have to be um you have to be true to yourself you're so young you don't want to have kids now because yeah your life is going to change drastically and you haven't had a chance to even fully you know experience everything that you want to experience you're you're you're way too young people of course have kids at your age but you're so young so you know you should just be honest with him about it and just you know I'll wait a couple you can't have kids you don't know if you don't know who you are what the fuck you're doing exactly you can't

have kids and honestly it's not your fault that he waited this long to you know you you know, be in a relationship and have kids. Yep. And sometimes you have to be selfish to get what you want. Okay. That's it. Okay. You're being a good.

She just takes off now. He's still 47. He can meet a fucking 31 year old. Yeah. That's who he needs to meet a chick in her 30s who's just sweating it out going, what the fuck? I need a baby tomorrow. I need to trap a man.

That's what he's, it's not your fault. He's drafting this late in life. He's drafting in the later. rounds that's what's left you know that you know the trap car no what you're talking about trap car then he's he's gonna he's gonna date he's gonna date the female version of that they got this fucking thing out there called the trap car speaking of racist they drive it in what they drive this car a nice car they leave it running with the keys on and they but they only do it in like non-white neighborhoods oh i've heard of it yeah

It's such bullshit. Bullshit. But anyway, don't have a baby just to keep this guy because you will end up, you'll love your baby and you'll end up hating him. But you'll resent your baby because you didn't get to go to fucking Joshua Tree and eat mushrooms and do whatever the fuck you're supposed to do in your early 20s. Whatever. What do kids do now in the early 20s? Yeah, you guys are really at completely different stages in your life. And this is why, you know, unfortunately it's not advisable to marry someone who,

could literally be your father. Nia with another cold bucket of water. I know. I like this writer. She is sweet and, you know, I don't know. It sucks. You know what I mean? She sounds like she's genuinely in love with him and it doesn't want to break up.

But this is a pretty big issue. This isn't a little thing. So he's, by the time you're ready, he's going to be dead. I'm just kidding. Um, he's going to be, you know, even older. So it's just, yeah, I don't know. Yeah. Or you could, like, adapt a 12 year old.

I think you said what you had to say. I feel like you're, I feel like you're overselling it now. I'm done. I'm quiet. Did a great job in the podcast, Neer. Thank you. People, people, no, no, they're going to love you. You trashed me two times.

You gave me like the trashing of the year twice on one fucking podcast. All right. That's cool. I can love with that. I always know when there's something going on with you I always know there's something going on with you I don't know what the fuck it is I hate when you do that

Because I'm always right Because I'm always right Me and like what's going on with you I'm fine You're not You're a fucking mess You're freaking out about the holidays I know you are alright that's it

That's the podcast That's the podcast Ladies and gentlemen That is the podcast Bill Burr a white male signing off with Nia Hill, a black female. All right. Have a great couple of days.

I'll check in on... How about them apples? Perfect. You're crushing it. All right. I'll see you. What's up, everybody, and welcome back to the Anything Better podcast, NFL edition for going into... Oh, my God, three more weeks, Bill. It's, dude, it feels like we started this two weeks ago.

With your host, me, Paul Verzi, Bill Burr, you know we have the snake with the injury reports, as always, and we got the Greek freak, the Beverly Hills kid, Andrew Thamless. Bill, I got to tell you something, okay? I'm a kid that likes to give flowers when it's time because you know what? I like getting my flowers. Oh, you're a sensitive guy. You know, for the last four years you have given me, you Paul this and Paul's good at picking. Bill Burr, you are the hope.

If you were like the first Star Wars that ever came out, a new hope, you are right there with three weeks left, three and one again. You know, they thought the game. I'm swinging in the dark. I have not watched one second of football in two weeks. I watched the Pat's highlights. I've been super busy, you know, with the kids and all of that. I've just been, you know, I haven't been paying attention.

And my wife has got somebody at the door here. so no bill before the season before the season they were going has the game passed them by is he on the hot seat and then you had that bounce back year coach at a year coach the year um all right well we are in i think we're in what is this uh it was this week 16 oh my god week 16 um Paul you can't stop it all he can do is enjoy it you know listen it's like your kids is going old guy once said to me Paul Time marches on. And I was like, you know what? I think you're on to something there.

It's like your kids getting old. You just, you know, it happens and you just got to enjoy the moments while they're happening. Dude, I'm going to tell you, man, I've been enjoying the moments. I don't know if I'm ever going to go on the road again. Oh, dude. Dude, I'm just a homebody. My freaking Disney dad now. I went to Disney with my kid.

I had the best time ever. It's the best time if you ride the ride, then you're excited. You get off the ride. Then you're like, where are we going? you got to figure it out, and then you get all this quality time standing in line shooting the breeze. It was amazing. It's the best. And I've been a homebody for a long time, but now it's more than ever. Oh, you've got to drag me out of here. You got to get Bill, the gig's got to pay well. Hey, Pauley didn't like road gigs. In order to talk to, to get Pauley to do comedy,

you had to talk to three other guys that would go to Pauley. all right well we're in week 16 uh before i pick we have to bring in the snake you know the drill guys we're going to bring in the snake and the snake is going to tell us what we uh what we have to look forward to or i guess not look forward to depending on injuries this week uh jake what do you got buddy yeah it's definitely more bad news than good this this week but um we all saw mahones he tore his ACL uh the chiefs were eliminated anyway but you know you hate to see anybody get hurt silver lining if he's going to do it it's a year then not competitive he's got a whole year to come back it happened to brady he came back and won three more super four more super bowl so they'll be okay

but that was brutal to see yeah it was and that's the conversation they're saying uh mahomes toured the same year in his career as brady so it's possible to come back and then there's a big injury hey hey patrick why don't you try being original yeah exactly um and then yeah so similarly like Micah Parsons on the Packers. He tore is ACL as well, which is a really good injury. Non-contact, you kind of just could tell. And so, you know, Green Bay, you kind of see the injuries are starting to creep up with them. They've had a lot this year.

So they got a huge game at Chicago Saturday. So we'll see how that goes. And then quarterback-wise, Jane Daniels is being shut down for the rest of the year, which they probably should have done anyway. And then the dolphins, Dolphins are playing the Bengals, both teams are linear from the playoffs, but the Bengals are going to play Borough, but the Dolphins are not playing to us.

That was something to monitor if you do that. It kind of looks like Tua might be done in Miami where the coach basically said, like, I think Tua might be done. Wow. He looks at a huge contract would be the only kind of issue there. So they're going to have to figure out if they really want to move on, what is going on down there?

It was like the coach didn't know what he's doing, and then all of a sudden they went a couple of guys. garbage games. His Florentine was telling me, this isn't mine. He watches the Dolphins every week. They didn't beat anybody big. They beat some bad teams, the frigging jets or whatever. And then all of a sudden, he's off the hot seat.

Now it's on your quarterback. Yeah, I don't get that. Well, I think they won more than a couple, though, dude. They won like five out of their last six before. I know, but they weren't good teams. They were playing like the dregs of the league. I don't know. Who's their biggest win this year against?

maybe i'll you know what paul okay you know they're wrong every week they be buffalo they be they be buffalo so that's right i picked that game but i only picked that game because everyone was saying buffalo i'm like this this is where Vegas cleans up yeah but i get your point overall like if if you're going to pin it on somebody it would probably be the coach i feel like the coach is more likely to go just based on the salaries but um but yeah it's it's a it's a weird situation going on there obviously and they lost harry hill

for the year too so just a brutal season and then i'll hit on two more real quick and then we can get into the fix uh tj watt has a collapsed lung so they're actually like it up yes well they're acting like you might actually play which is crazy uh but i would imagine that he's not going to so that's something to monitor and then um the rams receiver devante adams uh i wish you guys watched hockey you want to see people battling back from injuries Charlie McAvoy got his frigging jaw busted. He's not even on solid food and he's back.

That's nuts. The guy's drinking smoothies before a freaking NHL game. That's nuts. And he's back out there for regular season games. I mean, hockey players, it's like it's a badge of honor. Hey. I'm not saying football players, obviously, they're tough as hell. But Jesus, anyway.

We got to give credit to the Steelers, dude. The Pittsburgh Steelers and Aaron Rod, dude, Mike Tomlin again is going to have another year. I know that they hate him in Pittsburgh and they'd say he can't win the playoff game. But, dude, the guy is just going to get another above 500 season for like 19 years, dude. And Aaron Rogers, you know, he played really good, playing with a broken wrist. So they, and they beat the Ravens. They're tough out, man, you know?

I don't disagree with any of that. All right. He always have these loaded teams, you know. He's had a lot of kind of mediocre quarterbacks. Aaron Rogers has been his best quarterback in years, just to add your. point since yeah since big ben yeah all right well we're in week 16 which means it's an even week which means i pick first and you know i'm gonna i'm just going to do a little concede can i just do a little concede speech here guys i have been mathematically eliminated from beating the book this

year okay um it's been an unbelievable run i loved doing it for four years i loved that when i would do road gigs people would come up to me and go dude i follow your picks you made me money i am sorry about this year, but make no mistake, everybody. I'm going to look in the camera when I say this. I'm going to, we're going to regroup, we're going to look at tape, I'm going to see what I did wrong, and I will be back next year, okay? So all we're going to do right now is we are going to root for the snake, we are going to root for Burr, we are going to root for the Greek freak,

but I'm going to try to make it respectable these last three weeks, okay? But there you go. I had a good time, and we're going to get back into our winning ways, all right? Even Tom Brady said it's a weird year. This is a weird year. Like, that really hasn't been any, like legit frontrunner until the last couple of weeks where you're starting to look at like you know oh maybe Seattle maybe I don't know the rant like trying to think of people out west like

even like the lions the Eagles nobody stepped up the bills the bills this week like what they did in the second half coming to get back against the Patriots exciting for Bill's fans but they were supposed to be doing that all year like where has this been all year it's maybe they saved it which is not a real thing. Why would you save it? You know, I also think Joe Burrow, man, Joe Burrow coming back, how good do they look? I thought that, like, if he wasn't hurt,

they would do something. And I really don't want to be a dick here. I really don't because I want to say I like Travis Kelsey and I'm not really a Chiefs hater, but I will tell you this. Travis Kelsey's season this year, Travis Kelsey was a big part of their success, the way he got open in the middle of the field,

the yards after the catch. And this year, dude, he just, didn't seem, he didn't see, you know, catching passes that he, like kind of, you know, fumbles in the air, interceptions the other way. He looked a little bit out of it. I don't know what he's going to do, but I'm going to be interested to see what the chiefs do next year. But for my first pick, my first pick going into week 16, okay? Might as well have a fucking chimpanzee throw darts at a wall with my picks, but I'm going to, I'm going to, you know, I mean, geez.

It was just a great image. I think chimpanzee was what made it funnier than monkeys. Chimpanzee is funnier than monkeys. It was the word chimpanzee for sure. Okay. You know, I'm going to take the, I'm going to take the Eagles minus six and a half. I think that Washington shutting down Daniels, Washington,

you know, I just, Washington is a bad team. They're a three-win team or whatever, win team. The Eagles seem like they righted the ship, even though it was against the Raiders. I'm going to take the Eagles to win by a touchdown in Washington. By the way, what is, what's the deal with the Washington commanders slash Redskins, just having their quarterbacks coming back too early and playing through these injuries. It's just like, didn't you learn anything with RG3? Shut the guy down.

It's a great point. Anyway, I'm going to go with the Pittsburgh Steelers, getting seven points in Detroit against the Lions. I like their defense. Aaron's playing great. The Lions, I don't know. They've been sputtering. They don't,

they haven't like found their groove yet. I like seven points. And I think, you know, Aaron's not afraid of them. He's seen it all at this point. I think seven points is a lot of points to be given to a old gunslinger like that. I don't like that pick.

I love that pick. Oh, okay. Jesus, Paul. I was like, come on. man it's the holidays go easy i love that pick um i love that car i love that car pa pa pa pa it's in my mother's name it's in my mother's name my name what you um sorry i'm sorry it's a matter with you what's the matter with you what's the matter with you should i do that dude you know what i'm gonna shoot from the hip you got nothing to fucking lose man

i'm gonna take i'm gonna take the denver broncos dude against the jags I know the jags are really good, but the Broncos, the Broncos are at home and the Broncos are really good. And are the Broncos still fighting for a home the whole way? Yeah, they're currently the one C because they're being lost. So, you know, if they went out, they will be the one C. I'm going to take them to win by a field goal in Denver. Why not? All right.

I will say, Paul, if I beat the book this year, I'm going to buy you a new fucking camera that you don't have. have to like refocus no i'm going to every other sentence um why am i looking at jets and saints what's wrong with me what is wrong with me that you would eat or you would ever wade into the cesspool of a game that that's going to be raiders texans paul 14 and a half points sneaky pete on the road with 14 and a half point texans are a great goddamn team raiders stink 14 and a half, Paul, that half. The Raiders had 75 yards of total offense in the sequels last week. Jake the Snake, last time Seahawks played the Rams, who won?

Rams won. All right, I'll take the Seahawks minus one at home. Okay. Well, you know what I'm going to do? This game is a pick-em. I hate to do this to Packers fans. And, you know, guys, Packers are a team. I usually, it's a team I like, but no Micah, no Micah Parsons.

I'm going to take, I'm going to take the bears at a pickum. It's basically a pickum in Chicago. It's a one point. The Bears getting one at home. The Packers don't have their best defensive player. And dude, the Bears just keep proving that they're a good. Chicago Bears are a good football team. I'm going to take them at home and a pick them.

Why not? And the Packers beat him the last time. Yeah. So I don't know. I feel like that's what I fucked up last week. My one loss, the bills. I'm like, we really going to beat these guys? twice in one year.

That's why I think it was. Yeah, that was a, you know what, you know, looking back now that I know the final score, Jake, I'm going to say I shouldn't have done that. Oh, wait a minute. Wait a minute. This is the Thursday night game I just picked. Yeah, the Rams, yeah.

Yeah, but I say if it's five and a half for more, Division rivalry Thursday game. Thursday game, I really feel like, okay. All right, fuck it. It's a pick-um. all right i'm really just stammering here am i going to really pick the bills to destroy the browns do i really want to start a game down by 10 yeah why not i feel like maybe the bills i think it was a big win for them last week maybe they uh you know they puffed their chest out i don't feel like

they have a letdown game against the browns i feel like they have a another big win and then they get overconfident and then what ends up happening the lake effect snow lost in the playoffs it's fucking guys man they're a hard team to be a fan of because i i love the coach i love the quarterback i you know the fans have been suffering forever they still got fucked in 99 on that that that the fucking guy was in the crease they called it the whole year so your heart goes out for bills fits but anyway i'm i think what i'm trying to say is i'm taking the bills minus 10 going into cleveland they're not afraid to play near a lake they live on that lake paul cleveland's in bad shape too that's a great they're going to

town over, Paul. Yeah, that's a 35-17. Paul, it's a road trip. It's, it's nothing. Sleeping in your same bed that night. You kissed your wife goodbye. You go down there, you kick their ass by at least fucking 11, and you come back. Not staying in Cleveland.

Now. Euclid Ave. So you didn't take, you're not touching the tonight's game, are you? No, I took Seattle. I took Seattle. You took Seattle. Well, you know what? You've beat me.

You've beat me. me on and I think we've done three head to heads and I think you're two we're two and one you know what I'm not I'm not I'm not competing against you I'm not keeping score no I know Paul and you know what I'm available for a hug whenever you need it I know I know this is a minute for you with the book hey I need it it's going to be one of those hugs where when you let go I still hold on you know it's funny is you pulling up outside of a convenience store to a Cadillac Civil you just give them all the money the guy's counting your money and then I just come in and I just give you the hug.

Sorry, Paul. Is anything funnier than the guy that needs a hug, he holds it too long? So the other guy, when he wants to end it, he just bats the back. Yeah. Universal sign. If you don't pick up social signals, if you're in a hug and somebody goes like this, that means wrap it up. Credits are rolling. It's the end of the movie.

I'll tell you, who never gets that little tap on the back is fucking Jake the Snake. The ladies can't keep their arms. That's all they want to do is wrap him around him. Oh, he gets a tap. It's just not on the back. Right, Jakey? All right. Jake, I like you growing out the hair.

You really start to look like Mac Davis and North Dallas 40. I like everything about it. Thank you. Yeah, it's definitely longer. The back is like it's starting to get down to here. So we'll see. There you go. I'll go ahead.

Jake, save some for us. That's all I'm saying. I'm going to go head to head. I'll take the Rams getting one. tonight you know what i'll watch the game see what happens matter you go they're great it's i don't have a problem with that um jake the snake 49ers against the colts monday night how the 49ers looking health wise they got everybody back they got their quarterback back both yeah they got i mean their defense had the you know has like their main guys out but

they're playing well and uh mcalfreys out there and purdy's out there their offense is really healthy you know what I'm gonna take Philip Rivers again and cover the spread I'm not saying he's winning these fucking games but like I don't give a shit I don't know why

you just want to I'm off the road I'm relaxed I got a sweater on I'm fucking I'm going Philip Rivers I like it old guy for an old guy

is I have one more pick Andrew you had Rams bears and you Yeah, so you have only, no, no, no, yeah, you got four. You got, yeah, Rams, Eagles. I want to go, oh, man, I want to talk to some retired field goal kicker and just amp them up.

Be like, dude, you were kicking during the dead ball era. Yeah. They've got these floaties out there, man, what the, all your experience, all those three, two, one shots that you, oh, it's basketball. You know, fucking clock doesn't count down on a field goal, does it? Whatever. Philip Rivers can come back and play quarterback. That's what break you.

Around the yard. You can't come out there. You can't come out there and kick one of those floaties, 50 yards. Yeah, so I'm in practice. You hit like 5, 70 yards. I mean, 70 yards. Yeah. Where they kicked him, Paul.

It's a beach ball. The radio-controlled beach ball. It really is ridiculous, man. Like a 70-yarder is in play for the Cowboys. I mean, it didn't help their season, but it's nuts. You know, Paul, everything that's going on in the world right now, the one thing that really is just getting me going is that a 70-yarder is on the board.

It's called having your priorities straight. All right, so Bill, the Monday night special tonight is the Colts and 49ers. Yeah, fuck my bet, dude. Say what? No, let's go. You want 49ers money line, so he went like fucking $2? No, let's go, let's go Colts.

Let's go Rivers to Throw one. I was going to say, you have that Rivers to throw one. Rivers to throw one is what we're rooting for. Rivers to throw one. Colts getting the points. And Jonathan Taylor to get a, Jonathan Taylor's to get a touchdown. All right. If I was Philip Rivers agent, I would have called up Grecian formula.

And I would have said, we got to do like, we got to do a one-off. And you should do like he just, you have the commercial, like right after he throws the touchdown. It's Philip Rivers for Grecian formula. And he's taking all the white out of it. his beard, get ready for the game, and all the players are coming in talking to him like he's their dad. Oh, dude, how great is the headline? Yeah, can you come out and throw the football around?

Sure, son. He's just doing that. Dude, how great is the name Old Man Rivers? I mean, that's fucking incredible. There's nothing better, dude. There's nothing better than somebody who is retired and they come back and they actually have a couple of good games. I mean, come on.

Dude. You know what it is? It gives us all. and they were right there in Seattle yeah he did dude my wife was watching the highlights and she goes is that Philip Rivers and she goes oh man and she goes

that's awesome and then she just goes he looks kind of heavy and I'm like yeah he's been fucking sitting and she was like that's great how great was his line how much do you weigh he goes I don't know more than I did when I stopped oh no but the first time they asked him he goes right now he goes oh I have no idea and they just burst it out laughing

I do feel bad for him because he was in the class of Eli and Rathesberger and both have two and he didn't get one and he had great ears. He had Ladanian Tomlinson. He had great ears with the Chargers, man. And I wish, I wish he would have got one because he does have that nice, fast release. He was a good quarterback, man. He was. It's luck of the draw.

You got to have the players, the coach, the GM, and the ownership. You got to have all of that. and then you play in the same conference as, you know, Big Ben, Brady and Peyton Manning, Ray Lewis, all those years. Yeah, and all the sports writers do is blame the quarterback. Yeah, our front office let him down. Big time.

You heard it from Jake. Right there, there you go. You know what? If Philip Rivers here, he would have given you a little tip of the kid. He's probably too class to even, like, throw his own team under the budget. Yeah, he would have, yeah. Yeah, you know. But, yeah. Things that happened.

Well, how about? necessary roughness after you stop the Patriots on fourth down to give us the first down and then you lose the game. I mean, it was just, it wasn't, you know, it's a team sport, but I mean, it wasn't Philip. All right. Let's get back here. Oh, by the way, I'd be remissed if I didn't give a shout out to, and I know it's funny.

That NBA Cup, which I was like, whatever, these guys, these guys need motivation, knowing money, and then the Knicks won it, and me and my son were in front of the TV, just watching confetti with the Knicks is just that just watching the New York Knicks get some trophy and just made me and my son be like we were almost uncomfortable we didn't even know what to do we were just like they won but uh they all get what are they 500k each i mean that's that's pretty fucking cool you know nice win by the Knicks for sure you know hey look we're second in the east we're gonna be but dude okay c and the spurs are are coming so the nix got to do something now and dude, Bill, I will say the basketball courts that they used during that time, that it's a lot.

It is a lot. It looks like you're not in the NBA anymore. It looks like, you know, when like Iverson. Well, like, Iverson was, you know, after his career, he was playing in like Turkey. Like, that's what it looked like. Yeah. Is this European ball? Like, what a...

Yeah, you didn't have to change it that much. But, dude, the Celtics, even without Tatum are hanging on. The Detroit Pistons are number one in the east. The Knicks are number two in the east, but the Knicks have won 10 of the last. and then, dude, okay, C has lost two basketball games. The Oklahoma City Thunder defending champs are 25 and 2, dude. They are on pace to lose eight games this year, man. They are fucking good.

So the West is really good. But anyway, congratulations to my New York Knicks. It was nice to see them win something. And shout out, the Knicks have made a decision. I don't know if you guys heard this. They made a decision that they are not going to raise that to the Raptors. They said they're not doing that. They're not doing that.

they're getting they're not doing that which i like okay i like that you guys actually had to discuss that yeah well they were they kept going are you guys going to put it up in madison square garden it's the third one ever because i guess the lakers won the first one the bucks won the second one and then i bet the lakers put it up yeah silver made a call those fucking guys dude i swear to god oh the lakers will put up anything they'll fucking put anything up there they got they got a banner up there that they somehow won an NBA championship before the NBA existed. They got like four or five from Minneapolis. They got pile-on teams, attach cases, the cocaine and cash forum club, whatever the

fuck you need, whatever they need to try and keep up with the Celtics is insane. Which, by the way, if the Patriots somehow win it this year, which I know is crazy, we would have the most NBA titles and Super Bowl titles alone with only. only four teams there, Mr. New York with your 97 fucking teams, I would be happy. And Paul, I wouldn't rub it in your face, but you'd feel the vibe. It would definitely be a vibe. I'll tell you what, if the Patriots do that, I got it as even a non-patriot fan, of course, I would be very impressed.

Like, if the Patriots came back and just started winning titles again, dude, it's like, what can you say? You know, what can you say? Oh, Paul, they'll figure something out. The New York media will always think of something to say when a Boston team wins. But, Bill, I'll give you this. I'll give you this one. My favorite one was when we finally won a World Series.

The New York Post was like, both times. Couldn't even say congratulations. I give you this, though. If the Patriots win a Super Bowl this year and it said the Lombardi Trophy now goes back to its rightful owner, I wouldn't be mad at that. You want to know why? Because if the Yankees won a World Series and they said that about us, I would be like, okay. That's why I don't like it.

It's nobody's right. That's a sign of a bad league. Yeah. The fact that ESPN, whenever they fucking, the Yankees win it, they go, and all is right in baseball. It's just like, okay, so we're all just like what? Just a bunch of bums? I mean, the whole thing is stupid. somebody said it somebody probably said it in like the nineteen whatever 40s or 50s um

you know waxing poetic about america in the fall or something like that i'm sure and then they're just they're just quoting that i don't think that they realized what they're saying i don't know did you see the uh stewart scott 30 for 30 no it's fucking amazing really yeah i had no idea in the 1990s it was still that racist I didn't see it like the stuff he was doing like you know quoting hip hop and all of that stuff

I mean it was so they was so out of touch because everybody I knew loved it thought it was funny when he called Vladi Diva he called him Vladdy Dottie I remember I was I burst it out laughing I'm like that's fucking great dude cooler than the other side of the pillow

was fucking incredible well that was an expression I know but I love that that existed all right I'm giving it, Vladdi Dottie was his thing, though, Bob. I'm going on with the original material here. Bloddy Dottie. Lottie.

Dottie. I burst it out laughing. And then there was, I guess, a bunch of people there. A bunch of white people in Connecticut, Paul. Can you imagine? Yeah, that was really fascinating. Dude, they were, like, talking about the way he dressed, that he was dressed into black and all of this shit. It's like, you realize most of these sports are dominated by black athletes.

And the white people watching it don't have a problem. Why would I then need this guy to go on camera with a blue blazer? And wasn't he an athlete? I think he was an athlete that went to UNC. I don't know if he played like on the main. Yeah, he went to Chapel Hill. You know what that reminds me? I remember that that first openly gay player was playing for like the St. Louis Rams

and they kept asking questions. And then the one guy in the Rams is going like, yeah, man, it's no big deal. You guys are the ones making it a big deal. Yeah. And he kissed his boyfriend after he got drafted. I go, I fucking love his boyfriend sitting on like the arm of the chair. And his boyfriend was so much smaller.

It was fucking the greatest thing ever. He's just a skinny little dude. Oh, man, that was the best. Oh, we got a shot. Guys, we didn't shout out to sponsor. We have to shout out to sponsor because if you want to come along with our picks, all you got to do is download the BetMGM app to your device and you put a minimum of $10.

the account and you make your first wager. If your wager loses, you'll get $1,500 in bonus bets. Use our code, Burr, very easy, B-U-R-R, and you could bet with us. And they also have the first touchdown promotion. I will say this, though. I don't know. I don't think it's BetM-G-M, but one of these online betting things, you guys got to stop having these commercials with his 50 people in a bar and everybody hit their bet. Okay, that's on television with his rules of libel and slander. You're going to get hit with a false advertising lawsuit if you're not careful. Yeah. And we always tell everybody, bet responsibly.

How about the one where they walk into that bar and nobody's friendly, so they bet a parlay, and then all the people who wanted to beat the shit out of them all of a sudden are rooting for their bet? I mean, I don't understand that one either. They need a little help in the advertising department. You know what? We can hang out and have a beer together. That's all right.

They've got a parlay. I was going to kill him and his whole family, but you know what? Oh! He's been the late game. The bartender calls up that one athlete. He's just listening to all.

No, like, it's ridiculous. Yeah. It's ridiculous. It's an S&L sketch waiting to happen. And if they keep going, going that far in that direction. I feel like some sketch show is going to show the real bar of 50 people with bets on

the game. Anyway, and also, guys, BetMGM has the first touchdown promotion. You pick any player in any NFL game to get the first touchdown and you win. If you don't, but that player, in fact, gets the second touchdown. You get your stake back in cash, bet responsibly. There you go. Our Monday night special is going to be. The Indianapolis Colts getting six and a half,

Old Man Rivers to throw one, and Jonathan Taylor to run one in. That's going to be a fun one. We're rooting for the old man on Monday night. I like that. That's fun. Yeah. It's the holidays, Paul.

It's the holidays. I mean, if you don't have a heart this time of year, Paul, when will you? That's right. And there you go. You guys have our picks. Bet responsibly, we will be back next week. All right, two movies I'm going to go see this week.

what's that uh song sung blue the neal diamond story uh huh huge uh jack what's in it hugh jackman yeah that's a great take a gummy i was going to say take a gun paul i swear a god i love a i love a music biopic oh yes they do englebird humperdink the fucking i would sit there and why like you're on a plane It's a music. I don't give a fuck who it is. I don't give it. They can do,

pick a fucking band. I'm going to watch it. So I'm going to go see that. And then also Will Arnett. Oh, yeah. Stand-up movie is this thing on. I was in New York.

I guess early, God, that came out quick. Earlier this year. And he was going down the cellar with Bradley Cooper, who directed it. Bradley Cooper,

you know, great actor, great director and all that shit. But I'll tell you something, his finest achievement. is that fucking cheese steak right across from Thompson Square Park my god I mean I love the man as an actor but like that the fucking cheese steak was you got to get it is all I'm saying it's something in Coupes I forget the name of the place

I I looked at it and I couldn't I can't wait to go down there and get it and I'm also going to go to Philly and I want to go to skinny joey's and I want to go to Angelo's I want to try them all dude because I'm a I'm a sucker for a good At our age, you bring your wife, you split it. That's the most. Yeah, no, you can't eat a whole one. You can't eat a whole one. You fall asleep on the ride home.

Chicago's right in the ravine, and then where are you? All right, guys, we'll see you next week. Enjoy football, and we only got a few weeks of this left until we get to the playoffs. Maybe my playoff record will be better. Talk to you guys soon. Yeah, and thank you, everybody for once again listening this year. All right, thank you. See you later, everybody.

Thank you. Thank you.