Monday Morning Podcast - The Internet, Football, Hard Drugs | Monday Morning Podcast 9-1-25

Episode Date: September 1, 2025

Bill rambles about the internet, football, and hard drugs. Helix:  Go to www.helixsleep.com/burr 27% Off Sitewide  SimpliSafe:  Visit www.SimpliSafe.com/BURR to claim 50% off a new system.

Oh, look who it is. It's Mood. Let me tell you about the... Let me tell you about... Let me tell you about the online cannabis company that's revolutionizing how we deal with life's challenges from sleepless nights to stress-filled days. Mood.com has created an entire line of functional gummies that target specific health concerns.

Mood.com has created an entire line of functional gummies that target specific health concerns with 100% of federally legal THC blends. They'll deliver. them directly right to your doorstep. And you can get 20% off your first order at mood.com with promo code burr. And they're epic euphoria gummies, dude. They're perfect for those days when nothing's going right. And you just need to hit the reset button on your crap mood. Yeah, trick your brain and acting like you're, you appreciate that extra nickel of per quarter

they just gave you. That makes these different, what makes these different, sorry, is how they've paired THC with other canniboids with herbs and adaptogens. You're not just going to find gummies like this in a dispensary or anywhere else for that matter. They have gummies for literally every immune support, menopause, relief, PMS, symptoms, mental clarity, and sexual arousal. And each one is crafted using federally legal cannabis grown on small family-owned American farms, no pesticides, no BS. And they can ship to most states in the U.S. Best of all, not only does Mood stand behind everything with an industry leading 100-day satisfaction guarantee, but as mentioned, listeners get 20% off their first order with the Code Burr. So head to Mood.com, browse their amazing selection of functional gummies and the perfect gummy for whatever you're dealing with.

And remember to use promo code Burr at checkout to save 20% off your first order. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Monday morning podcast for Monday. September 1st, 2025, what's going on? How are you? How's it going? Oh, I'm in a great fucking mood.

It's September, baby. It's Labor Day, baby. The summer is over. I'm sorry to all you people out there with pigment, but I'll tell you right now, this is September 1st. Okay, for Ginger's an albino. That's the beginning of our holiday season. Oh, that's right. The earth has been

tilting the other way since the end of June. I've been in a fucking lack of pigment chat room on Reddit. When can we go back outside? You know, the dog days of summer is not just in baseball. It's also for ghost white people, especially with global warming. I'm telling you right now all you non-white people out there don't worry we're going away with global warming which for the most part has been created by white corporations ironically enough what they're creating is going to if it doesn't make us go away most of us will go away first you know and then it'll be like because all you guys living down by the equator you've been training for this you're ready for this my people have been hiding up in a mountain i want to shout it from the top of a

mountain um i'm just being silly here someone's going to take that seriously what is some fucking woke meteorology revisionist history stuff somebody sent me something i know it was just rage bait. But it was this Indian dude. They have, for whatever reason, this is this stupid thing where they fucking, they have somebody, you know, that debates. And then they have

20 fucking people sitting in a circle around the person that they don't agree with them. And for some reason, they've added the musical chair element to it. Like, he says, you know, I'm going to tell you right now, like, whatever. The one I watched Indian dude was like liberal and then

there was all these conservatives. And he'll tell you right now, I think, you know, if you have a red tie on, you look like a fucking pussy, right? And then, or whatever, that's not really a, I guess that is a statement, whatever. He, you know, he'll say things like, you know, the president is not tough on crime, you know, just to get these conservative frothing at the mouth. So the second he finishes his question, all these cunts that are sitting around got, they're going to scramble to the fucking chair. and then they sit down and most of them are kids so it's like a fucking 50 year old debating I saw another one it was a black woman was

she was conservative and then it was a bunch of liberals and then she'd be like yeah let me tell you this if you know you got hairy palm pits and hairy legs you know I don't want to hear your political opinion because you're a liberal douche and then they're just like oh ah they'll fucking run up to the And then this full-grown adult basically tears a kid a new ass. Like, I don't, it's just, it's so fucking stupid. It's so stupid.

And nobody comes away going like, wow, that guy made a good point. They don't. Everybody is locked in. I will say, I did see this one angry conservative guy. And he goes, it's tribal now. The gloves are off. And it's just like, dude, have you considered getting off Facebook? Have you considered, like, getting offline?

Have you considered not reading comment sections and just going for a fucking walk? There's this thing a long time ago. There was a radio play called War of the Worlds. And for whatever fucking reason, maybe because media was young at the time, mass media, whatever radio, whatever the proper term is, They didn't realize the power of it. So they decided it would be funny if they just broke into their regular newscast and just said that aliens had landed and they were starting to fuck shit up down here. And people were listening.

People committed suicide. And all they had to do, the big thing is all they had to do was turn the channel and they would hear that it wasn't on the other channel. And they just absolutely lost their fucking mind. I feel like the Internet is the new war of the world. Like, I'm telling you, I'm not saying the Internet's not a fun place. Internet is like hard drugs, you know? You do it once, once in a while. I don't know what fet.

How do you say it? Is it fentanyl? Fetty. Fetty, fettie whack, whatever people call it. Jimmy Mac Oh, Jimmy Mac Whatever the fuck they call Yeah, you can't do cocaine

But whatever, you know what I mean Like we did heroin once You could just get up And walk away, did it It was fucking amazing, right? Like Like going to Venice If you're lucky enough to do it

Most people, you do it once And then for the rest of your life Oh, one time, oh, me and your grandfather, oh, we went to Venice. Oh, it was beautiful. You know? If you could do heroin just like once, you could do that as an old person. Oh, I remember. It was your grandmother's favorite spoon, and we were lighting it up.

And we were like, are we going to do this? And she said, 23 Skadoo. Oh, we'll never forget it. And no matter how bad it got in life, no matter how much the chips were down, we always had that we knotted off on heroin that one time. I loved you then. I love you now, sweetheart.

I'll nod up with you any time. But only once. I feel like the Internet's like that. The Internet is like... It's like drugs. You know, I feel like if you have the ability to do it every once in a blue moon, not a problem. But if you're a user, you know, a functional user of the Internet, and I'm including myself in this, you are going to lose your fucking mind. dude these people were saying as white people were saying that they you know the guy was bringing

up native amer he was you know making good points or whatever i'm not saying that either side was not making good points um they were saying that uh these white people were saying my people caucasians my peeps my white ace were going on saying that they were fucking native americans He's like, I'm going to And then he's like, my family has been here since the 1500 So I got a lot of skin in this game.

Oh, you're taking credit for what they did back then? Like what? Owning slaves and fucking participating In a genocide? You cunt? This fucking dude, you would have thought he was holding the fucking tree that wooden teeth dushed

fucking chopped down. I got a lot of skin in your game. We've been American for a long time. Oh, so you're a nepo baby fucking American, you cunt? Anyway, I really didn't like that guy because I could see what a fucking psychotemporary had and I really saw a lot of myself in him. Anyway, and then on the other side, there was this ridiculous argument that both sides were making when the conservative black woman was talking. She was saying that the sexual revolution actually made women less happy. So they were both arguing either side and they were just

throwing out statistics and interrupting one another. But no one was really getting to the main issue that the sexual revolution had nothing to do with people's happiness or unhappiness. It's the squeeze of corporations. It's the shift of wealth going to like a handful of people and the elimination of the middle class is what fucking made people unhappy. It has nothing to do with whether you're married to someone that stays home and makes pies

or goes out and has a career. All right? When you work for these new super nerds, remember how there was models and all of a sudden there were supermodels? Now you have super nerds like this fucking ketamine Nazi Tesla guy.

You know, suing his own company so he can get on the creative, get created by credit. Yeah, that's what's making people unhappy. Which brings me to white vengeance movies. Your Death Wish, Robert Forster and Vigilante, Michael Douglas and Falling Down. Those movies are very educational, very educational. as far as the way

middle class Caucasians we view the matrix we view the matrix that the problem is coming from the bottom rather than the top and that is the genius

of the top is what do they do it's them look at them look at them down there look what they're doing all those sons of bitches I saw one of those conservative kids when he was

trashing L.A. said, you know, if you went to downtown L.A. and stepped over all of those homeless people. And he was blaming sort of California for that fucking problem. Because as we all remember, California decided to have

an illegal war on very flimsy intelligence that turned out to be completely incorrect that bankrupted this country after we had a fucking surplus. I think we all know at this point, was California, you know, all the other 49 states said, ah, ah, we do not have the thumbs up from the U.N.

This is an illegal war. We are not going in there. And California said, hey, man, shut the fuck up. Yes, we are. So that's what they do. They have you blame non-white people. They have you blame states. They have you blame other countries.

other types of government, other rights, it's none of that. It's none of that. You can sit there with your white shirt, your fucking psycho black rim glasses like I have and your fucking flat top if you were lucky enough to not have male pattern baldness.

And you can look down all you want and across the sea and over a fucking wall and you can do anything you want to those fucking people, you're still going to be in the same problem. Same fucking situation. because of the cunts that look like you that are above you telling you who to look at because they don't give a fuck about you they don't and if you don't believe me go work for him all right billy tree stuff he's stepping down now let's talk about bread and circus let's talk about

bread and circus what'd you do this week bread and circus let's talk to the meek they shall inherit these stadiums that they have to pay for. Let's talk about football. NFL football, I believe, starts this Thursday. Anyway, I was looking up last night. I watched a lot of college football. all right and as a fan at the University of Michigan

I got to tell you I can say without question that Ohio State defense is fucking amazing if I'm going to judge them on one fucking week

they had Achi Manning junior on the Texas Longhorns had a great fucking have a great defense too but the fact that the halftime adjustments just led to more of the same. I know towards the end they scored a touchdown.

They made it look a little closer than it was. Whenever you're playing against a great defense, when it's 7 to nothing, it feels like it's 21 to nothing. And you know me, I was rooting against Ohio State. Okay? And it's really hard to do that because it's a state school. And in the back of their heads, they know that they're a state school. That's why they try to act like they're the Harvard of state schools.

The Ohio State University. I heard actually this announcer said, World famous Ohio State University. Now, if you're fucking sitting there in your town and you're young and you haven't traveled yet, and all you want to do is finger bang your fucking chick after you took her to Dairy Queen, I'm sure that bringing the hard sausage after the soft serve there I'm sure that that statement would make sense

but I am going to stand on my fucking lazy boy chair and I'm going to talk down to all you youngsters right now and say like I'm not fucking sitting in my hometown driving a Dodge Datt with my first fucking girlfriend wondering what the world is like. I've told my shit jokes overseas. And I will tell you this, I have never seen an Ohio state jersey sweatshirt or a fucking hat. And this kills me as a fan of Boston sports that tell you this. What I see the most is I see Yankee hats.

The New York Yankees are world famous. Manchester United It's starting to drop off though But when I was growing up You know Everybody over here Because none of us watch soccer As we call it

You know That's just how we are over here Everybody else is on the metric system We're doing whatever the fuck I don't even know what our system is called Is it called fucked Because I think that's what it is That's the system we use

Everybody else calls it football We call it soccer We come up with another sport We call that football even confuses me. All right, but everybody over here, if you knew anything about sports, you knew, you knew Pele and you knew

Man United. They are fucking world famous. Ohio State. Okay, this is when you know your team is what you're in the fucking Budapest. You see a fucking Yank, and it's not a tourist either. You know what I mean? Tourists don't count.

Okay? If you're some fat wings and blue cheese eating fucking Ohio State fan, you know, looking like a special teams coach that has one year left on his contract, and you go over to London, England, wearing your Ohio State Buckeyes hat, that doesn't make, that's just you traveling. And you brought your wardrope. But I will tell you this, I've never seen, I haven't seen a Michigan hat either, okay? Just to fucking make you relax and take the information in.

You are not world famous. I want to do a YouTube on that debate, and I'll sit there in a circle of fucking Ohio State fans. And I'll tell you right now, do you know how long it's going to take those fat fucks to run from that circle over to that chair? I just love the arrogance of it. Here's my statement. Now, all of you scamper to have the privilege to argue with me. I'm going to tell you this right now. I was thinking of telling it to you later, but I've decided that I'm going to tell it to you right.

right now. And I'm going to give it to you straight. This is what, this by the way, for younger people, this is when you know an older person is full of shit. When they tell you that they're going to tell it to you straight, when they tell you that they tell you like it is, and when they say back in my day, okay, all three of those, the odds that a, a fucking whale story of a lie is coming your way is probably 86%. every once in a while someone who says I'm going to tell it like it is

actually tells it like it is but most of the time they're telling it how they think it is which is how they want it to be because they need to be right because secretly in the back of their head

there's that voice they've never been able to shake that tells them they're not good enough because they grew up with icy parents that didn't show each other affection and ignored their children. And then one day you go on Facebook or you go on Instagram or you go on the TikTok and you make a decision. Am I going to learn how to do a dance to the Law and Order theme or am I going to join a white militia? I mean, the internet is a wild place.

You can literally start your own army. You can start your own boxing league and just say that you're the champion. I mean, the internet is, if you know how to use it, you can be wildly successful. You can tell dick and shit jokes like me and travel the world, world, world, world. And Nazi one Ohio state fucking baseball. cap. The Ohio State. What else would I be confusing it with? Is there another OSU? I know there's a couple of universities of Miami. Anyway, what I'm trying to say is Ohio State University's fucking defense look great. Their quarterback looked great. Um, they looked, you know,

that was, you know, they didn't have a cupcake game. They went up against the Texas longhorns. Fucking amazing. So congratulations to them. Big victory. I'm in Texas. Nothing to hang your heads about. It looks like you played one of the top teams in the cup. Granted it is the first week.

It looks like, you know, you guys are going to be all right, too. You know, you don't learn anything for victories. What will you learn is when you fail. I missed a whole bunch of shots, but that is why I failed over and over again. And that is why I succeed. Somebody told me something the other day About something that You know

I can't bring that up Every once in a while I think about that I don't bill Don't fucking say that Anyway I'm just in a good mood Because I have a remote high hat

You know it's the little thing I know it's a stationary one It's right next to my real one And I've been I've been I've been jamming, man. Getting back into Pantera. Playing some primus. Tim Alexander, one of my favorite drummers of all time.

Such a fucking groove guy. To have a set that big and still be such a fucking groove guy. I mean, that's just, it's just a bigger brain. You know, and as a summer school kid, I've never had a problem genuflecting to people. modern than me. So anyway, NFL football starts. Let's see here.

Who's it going to be? It's usually the defending Super Bowl champs who are your Philadelphia Eagles. You know, they let them play. Oh, they let them play. The refs put them whistles away and they let them play. And guess what? The Kansas City Chiefs were exactly who we thought. they were.

Oh! I swear to God. I could watch the Eagles kicking the shit out of the Chiefs with Christmas music playing underneath it. I don't think I ever felt so fucking validated watching a fucking Super Bowl. I think when the Saints beat the Holtz. I think that was the other one. Just the glazing.

To see the glazing. Oh, my God. Oh, my Lord. Anyway, plowing ahead here. I also watched the Miami Hurricanes versus Notre Dame, that rivalry. The holier than thou versus the what the fuck are you looking at? They always have a good name for that. You know, Catholics versus Conradame. you know and that gradually you know with like a thousand fucking rape accusations became

petos versus perps or something i i don't know what they call it okay but it's not the kids fault all right it's it's not their fault okay they fucking go out there and they play football and they entertain us all right they're not priests they're not in jail They're football players. Anyway, an amazing fucking game. Notre Dame, huge comeback. And then how about that fucking kicker of the Miami Hurricanes? Hits a 47-yarder like he just fucking fucking, like nothing.

I mean, it was just so like nothing. I don't even have a sports metaphor for it. He crushed the thing. plenty of leg the fucking net behind the uprights almost tried to get out of the way that thing had so much leg

the announcer was going that would have been good from 60 yards um fucking pressure cooker kick the whole nation watching and this kid goes up there and like a fucking champ

puts it right through the uprights you gotta love that there's nothing worse than a missed field goal you know, to lose the game. I hate seeing that, you know what I mean? There's a lot of people that like seeing it. They like seeing failure.

That's because they don't realize that they're not happy with their own life. If you really look at a missed field goal, what you're really looking at is in that fucking memory that every once in a while comes out in the shower when you think back to that chick you really liked and you thought she liked you too and you were walking up

approaching her and as you were walking to her and it was no doubt that you were walking up to ask her out you saw her face fall like oh no don't do this and then you're like oh shit but I already committed I have to walk over and then you half hard heartedly fucking

it's like you're walking away as you're doing it and it's just like I will tell you that that embarrassment is a life sentence And every once in a while, you'll see somebody line up to kick a field goal to win the whole game and they miss it. And you think you're mad at the kicker, but you're not, you're not mad at that kicker. You're mad at yourself. It's not that she said no.

It's that you didn't even try. all right let's I don't know about you guys but I'm enjoying this podcast I'm enjoying what I'm doing I'm having a me moment anyway let's see

oh look at this I didn't know I could still get text when I was in the fucking airplane mode there you know you learn something every day how about the Boston Red Sox playing against your Pittsburgh Pirates Just getting our fucking asses kick We finally won the last goddamn game

With an in the park home run From Jaron It's a trick shot You gotta hit it in the power alley And it's got to roll all the way Into the fucking triangle And then that that fucking nine foot guy On the pirate

I don't know any of the names I'm not even gonna try I could look them up and pretend like I'm informed or I could just be who I am. An old dad who does, what's his name? I can't remember. The guy hit one straight away center.

Straight away center. There's like, there used to be a TV camera guy out there back in the day. I don't know what it is now. It's the kind of place where the Houston Astros would put a hidden camera

with their ownership knowing full well that that's what they're doing. He hit it that far. We don't have a choo-choo train like they do in Houston. Speaking of fucking Houston this is sort of an amazing uh an amazing stat i'm going to have to get off airplane

mode at the risk of fucking another spam call um i got to look this up there was a guy um you know when i was watching uh let's see see see wait houston cougars now i'm going to give it away come on bill type and talk at the same time I can't do it what is this guy's name this really fascinated me because the guy is still

there it is there it is the answer I was looking for so I was trying to think like who had the most fucking passing yardage in college football history and how much is it you know with like how offenses are you know they're i know they're they're running more pro offenses these days or whatever and i also know that kids leave a lot of times before they

complete so they don't even play four years what is the record turned out the record was over 20,000 yards from a guy that played with the houston cougars case case keenum and he's still in the league he's 37 years old and i'll tell you this right now i fucking love a journeyman quarterback um he threw for 20 000 fucking yards in four years with the houston cougars and then went undrafted and i was like he went undrafted what would he rob a fucking bank how do you throw for 20,000 yards in division one. So I had to look up, you know? I'm like, how to fuck do you throw for 20,000 yards?

And, you know, I can see you have a bad combine. You go later in the fucking, later in the evening. In the evening. Boo, do, boo, boo. Underrated Zeppelin song. In the later rounds, this guy went 100% unbund. drafted 20,000 yards underneath his belt. And all 32 teams said, yeah, no in the first round.

Yeah, no, second round, third round, fourth, fifth, six. How many they just said no. So I'm like, well, how the fuck did they do that? How the fuck is this guy still in the league? Like, what is going on with this guy? So their knock was number one. He played in a weak division. Conference.

And he didn't play in the whack. I don't know what he played in. It was like the fucking USA conference or something. I'll be honest with you. Whatever conference it was, I never heard of it. All right? So that was the first knock. Then they said he was undersized, six foot one.

And then they said, you know, his deep, tended lack zip and it tended to float. So he went fucking undrafted. So he shows up, he gets a job anyway. He spends a couple years, I think, with the Houston Texans and then fucking, you know, played with a different team every year since almost. And he's still in the league.

37 years old, still in the fucking league. Isn't that a great story? I think it is. Eh, you can't play in this league. Oh, yeah, I'm pushing 40, and I'm still here, motherfuckers! Undercised. Okay. Well, when your big six-foot-five dream boat goes down,

who's going to make sure you don't free fall while we're waiting for this fucking giant cunt to get healthy again? Me. Case fucking Keenum. he needs a nickname case closed Keenham case closed I'm still fucking here you didn't draft me I'm 37 years old

I'm still here case fucking closed Keenum so there you go so there you go next time you're fucking whining about your life and how unfair it is know that there's a guy out there that threw for 20,000 yards

and 32 teams in the NFL said yeah we don't give a shit and he said I don't give a fuck either and he's been playing for like 15 fucking seasons you know play an NFL quarterback ready to go in at any time knows the fucking playbooks of half the fucking league this guy's like

I would hire that guy just because of his knowledge of all these other fucking teams I feel like they know what we're doing I'll tell you why they know what they're doing they got case fucking closed keatim on the other side line How do I know that name? He fucking played for us, you asshole. He played for us.

He played for everybody. He knows where all the bodies are buried. He's like that Epstein Island guy. We've got to whack this guy. That's it. So next time you're whining about your life, know that there's a guy out there that threw for 20,000 yards in a division. I evidently nobody gives a shit about, and he didn't get drafted.

He said, I'll give a fuck. I'll dance for my dinner. I'll show up to the combine anyway, and he fucking made it. So good for him. Good for him. Maybe you need a little bit in that your life. Maybe we need to flip that Case Keenham fucking switch every once in a while. All right, let's get.

Let's get into the re. They made me feel better about my side. That just fucking lifted my day. There's nothing better than a journeyman quarterback. Steve DeBerg. I mean, I fucking love the Vinny Testa Verdi. That would be the ultimate. They should do an NFL roundtable of journeymen quarterbacks.

Who's the biggest cunt? Who's the most overrated. fucking cunt you ever backed up and you were constantly throwing a better ball during practice, but they had so much invested in that first round cunt that you had to sit on the sideline.

I bet they stand when the fucking first rounder is fucking up. I bet the other, the backup, the journeyman backup. It's just kind of sitting there, you know? Eyebrows up. like one of those 90210

guys back in the day remember how they used to look that James Dean adjacent look down the fucking road that's what they're doing eyebrows up over there licking their fingers fucking throwing the goddamn ball

tight spiral zip zip zip zip as the coach just has to fucking sit there because the owner has a facelift and a fast elevator

down to the field and just stick with this motherfucker I'm telling you. All right. Anyways, let's get to the reads here. Helix, everybody? Hellix. You know, the Helix lineup

offers 20 unique mattresses, mattresses, including the award winning. Oh, by the way, when the guy kicked the field go, I love that dude. I was, uh, is it Sean McDonough, how his fucking voice always cracks? Lumber is good!

I love how excited he gets. He still loves it. God bless him. All right. The Helix lineup offers 20 unique mattresses, including the award-winning Lukes or Lux, L-U-X-E. I'm going to say Lux. Although in my Anglo-Saxon background, the E makes the U a long-E, the Lukes, no, the Lux, no, the Lux. And the Ultra Premium Elite Collections. The Helix Plus, they should have a Case Keenum fucking mattress. As you're fucking laying there waiting for someone to fucking appreciate the 20,000 yards you're through. A mattress designed for a big and tall, big and tall sleepers.

Minnesota Miracle. Who was there? Case Gatim. Helix Kids mattress designed for growing bodies endorsed by child sleep experts. Take the Hellix sleep quiz and find your perfect mattress in under two minutes. Helix knows there's no better way to test out a new mattress than by sleeping on it in your own home. That's why they offer a 100-night trial and a 10 to 15-year warranty to try out on your new Helix mattress. Models with memory foam, layers to provide optimal pressure relief if you sleep on your side, or possibly it has memory foam layers. So one day when you get killed by your robot replacement, they know exactly to have how much that robot should weigh and in what part of its robot body. So your wife has no idea she's sleeping with the enemy.

Models with a more responsive foam to cradle your body for essential support in stomach and back sleeping positions. I like to sleep on my back. It is my husband. Plus, enhanced cooling features to keep you from overheating at night. And if your spine needs some extra TLC, they got you. Every Helix mattress has a hybrid design combining individually wrapped steel coils in the base with premium foam layers on top. It's the perfect combination of comfort and support. Helix has been awarded the number one mattress picked by GQ and Wired Magazine. It is, even recommended by multiple leading chiropractice in doctors of sleep medicine as a go-to solution for improving your sleep. Go to helixleep.com slash burr 20% off sitewide exclusive

for listeners of Bill Burr's Monday morning podcast. That's Helixleep.com slash burr for 27% off sitewide. H-E-L-I-X-S-L-E-E-P dot com slash burr. All right. Oh, look who it is, everybody. simply safe. I want to talk to use about your home security system for a minute. You know, back in the day, I used to think home security was just an alarm that goes off after a break and scaring the intruder off and getting a neighbor's attention if you're lucky. But that's a reactive approach. By the time an intruder is in your home, it's too late. Your feeling of safety is shattered. Yeah, and you know what they do? They run right to the master bedroom. That's

where they go. All right? So why don't you make it a little more difficult for these intruders and put your fucking, don't have your best shit in the master bedroom. This is what you need to do. You need to have a fake, you need to have Canal Street, Louis Vuitton jewelry box in there with a bunch of shiny shit that looks like something and have them grab that. That's what you do. And then you have all your real shit. And, you know, I don't know where. Pick a place. In the broom closet?

But I don't like to go down to the broom closet to get my earrings. That's why real security should stop a crime before it even starts. That's why I trust simply safe. Their system is designed to be proactive and not reactive. You want some of this? Here's how. They use smart AI powered cameras to identify threats lurking. out. We get it. It's smart.

What has been glazed more? The quarterback of the Kansas City Chief are all AI technology. Smart phones. This is a smart house. This is a smart camera. Okay. To identify threats lurking outside your homes and immediately alerts simply safes professional monitoring agents.

These agents intervene in real time. Fuck away from that. Before the break-in even begins. They access two-way audio. to confront the person. Is there any way I could fucking do a ride-along with one of those? How much fun would that be? You know, no one wants to do jury duty. I get that, but wouldn't you love to fucking yell at the person?

If you don't like jury duty, why don't you offer your services free to simply safe to yell at people before they commit crimes? That way, they don't get arrested, and you don't have to do jury duty. Attention, potential intruder. you don't want this and neither do I step away from the kitchen door their access to a audio to confront the person triggers sirens and spotlights to scare them off

and request rapid police dispatch when needed all helping to stop the intruder while they're still outside this is real security joining the more than 4 million Americans who trust simply safe with their home security every day including me and with a 60 day money back guarantee

and no long-term contracts simply safe earns your business by keeping you safe and satisfied every day visit simply safe.com slash burr to claim 50% off a new system that's simply safe.com slash burr there's no safe like simply safe s i m p l i s a f e dot com slash burr oh look who it is it's mood um let me tell you about the let me tell you about uh let me tell you about uh Let me tell you about the online cannabis company that's revolutionizing how we deal with life's challenges from sleepless nights to stress-filled days. Mood.com has created an entire line of functional gummies that target specific health concerns. Mood.com has created an entire line of functional gummies that target specific health concerns with 100% of federally legal THC blends. They'll deliver them directly right to your doorstep.

And you can get 20% off your first order at Mood.com with promo code burr. And they're epic euphoria gummies, dude. They're perfect for those days when nothing's going right. And you just need to hit the reset button on your crap mood. Yeah, trick your brain and acting like you appreciate that extra nickel of per quarter they just gave you. That makes these different, what makes these different, sorry, is how they've paired THC with other canniboids with herbs and adaptogens. You're not just going to find gummies like this in a dispensary or anywhere else for that matter.

They have gummies for literally every immune support, menopause, relief, PMS, symptoms, mental clarity, and sexual arousal. And each one is crafted using federally legal cannabis grown on small family-owned American farms, no pesticides, no BS, and they can ship to most states in the U.S. Best of all, not only does mood stand behind everything with an industry leading 100-day satisfaction guarantee, but as mentioned, listeners, get 20% off their first order with the code burr. So head to mood.com, browse their amazing selection of functional gummies and the perfect gummy for whatever you're dealing with. And remember to use promo code burr at checkout to save 20% off your first order. All right, here we go, here we go. All right. I have some reads for this week. Hey, Billy bum bum. I know you do, you've got to do

ads and reads and stuff to get yourself paid and all that. I won't hate on your hustle on that front. But the lead off of your latest episode about Duolingo just felt like a fucking advertisement. Well, it wasn't. I was just saying it's awesome. I know you're probably going to say something to the effect of, well, that's not an ad. I just believe in the product. Look, you had me off at the past. And to that, I say, consider not giving endorsements of product. of how well they work until they're willing to pay you. Just a thought. Go fuck yourself.

You know something? You just, you're all over the goddamn road. You know, I know you've got to do your ads and reads and stuff to get yourself paid and all that. I won't hate on your hustle. I don't give a fuck if you do, you arrogant, cunt. And then in the end, okay, so then you're accusing me of doing a sneaky read.

And then in the end you go, you know, wait, in the end you're saying if that wasn't a sneaky read and you're just saying that you like it, you shouldn't do that until you get paid? I don't know where I think you, dude, I don't know how you did that, but that was a very short fucking text and you argued all sides. I was just excited because I was getting good at something that I flunked in high school for three fucking years. Oh, wait a minute. Are you the guy that knows things? Do you mansplain the podcast to your girlfriend? Well, see, what is doing there is he's acting like he's talking about this product, but he's actually using it. That's a paid advertisement. And I'll tell you, if it isn't, then he's dumb because he shouldn't.

say that he enjoys something, even if it is good for his podcast listeners, he shouldn't say that unless he's getting paid. And then when he's getting paid to say it's good, then we'll believe him because he's getting money to say it's good, as opposed to just speaking from his heart saying, hey, this is working for me, and I'm a dumb fuck. And if it works for me, it could possibly work for you. All right, well, there you go. All right. Well, you know, every once in a while when I think that I have the title is the biggest cunt in the world, somebody out cunts me. So I tip my cunty hat to you, sir. Or ma'am. Or they? Okay, response to ketamine. I knew this was coming. I asked last week what was ketamine, and I jokingly said, I feel like it's heroin mixed with

cold brew. It just sounds like a drink to me, doesn't it? You want some wheatgrass in your shot of ketamine? Um, dear pig red tuna. Uh, I heard last week about what it's like on ketamine. I don't know what it's like on ketamine. I was talking about it. I had no idea what it was. Okay, let me explain to you how it is in Dublin, Ireland. Oh, let me explain to you what it's like a Dublin Ireland.

Um, the ketamine comes straight from the Guinness factory. Uh, all right, a friend of mine. had a party and told me he had the special k at the party oh is that what the people on the scene call it i guess that's how you know it's someone's a narc do you really say special k you say that that really seems long for slang ketamine ketamine special k you're not cutting it down it's three syllables and three syllables you got any wacky tobacco or special k on you anybody have any horse it's a lingo it's a jargon you gotta keep up if we're gonna bust these hippies all right so i decided to stay sober that evening no alcohol just non-alcoholic drinks

um i always say alcohol free i was so like non-alcoholic there's something weird about that for me. For me. I just feel like I am kind of an alcoholic. So alcohol-free drinks to keep my mind and body in peace and ready. Well, I respect that. You got to admit, the fucking alcohol-free Guinness, for a fucking beer that's going to do absolutely nothing for you, it tastes pretty goddamn good. Or maybe I just haven't had a real Guinness in that long. I'm not saying it's as good as Guinness? I realize it's the Latoya Jackson of the fucking beer family.

That was unnecessary. Sorry. All right. I mingled with people I met there. And when the time came, I decided to check it out. All right. A friend of mine had a party and told me that he had

special K at the... Okay, so now you decided to check it out. All right. Here's what it is. You do a small line, snorting. Okay. I love how you're over explaining this to me like I didn't grow up in the fucking Coke 80s.

All right, you do a small line, snorting. All right, you get this upbeat euphoria feeling that makes you feel like Siegheiling? Because that's what happened with the Tesla guy. You do a long line. Okay, so if you do a small line, you snort it, you get this upbeat, euphoric feeling, sort of like Coke, I guess,

which I've never done that because of Len bias. uh rest of soul you do a long line and you get an absolute trip that's wild so you can either go the cocaine root or you can kind of go like fucking mushrooms or lsd anyway the person says now i have no idea how this science work but i did i did the long line with my ex partner and my god we went for a trip. All right, I'm in. I'm in. I'll tell you the Irish.

God damn Irish. They can tell a fucking story. To the audience, what it was like. Okay, to the audience, what it was like. After a couple minutes, your eyesight goes a bit hazy. And then you go into this fragment of sight. Almost like you're in a spaceship in hyperspace. Oh, so maybe that's why the Tesla guy is sure.

shooting off rockets. He's just tripping balls and has the money to make his trip a reality. Anyway, every light you see becomes fragmented. Long lights of straight lines. Every time someone is chatting, you're in a sci-fi scene, pause for a millisecond and continues playing whatever you see. bonkers that is crazy that's like i i still don't quite understand okay every time someone is chatting you're in a sci-fine scene pause for a pause for a millisecond and continues playing whatever you see so like they're talking to you and it stops and starts do you think that's bad it gets worse i think that's fucking what i mean if long like tripping is all about whether or not you can hold your shit together.

Listen to me. I've done mushrooms like five or six times and all of a sudden, this is how you trip, guys. Excuse me. You think that's bad? It gets worse. I think it's fascinating. I'm not saying anybody should do it, but this is like, I mean, come on. There's documentaries for days about people talking about all this hard drug use and everyone he wants like, what's it like to be that fucking out of control. Anyway, my partner at the time was drinking. I don't know what my partner means. Is that like a gay relationship or a business partner? I have no idea. Partner in crime? Are you a cop? My partner at the time was drinking alcohol and the effect went way beyond her control. At 30 minutes or is it a non-committal relationship? I don't

fucking know. At 30 minutes in, she did not feel good and she rushed to the bathroom. Oh, boy. Oh, the poor thing. You hate to see it. I had to choose, I had to chase her to the bathroom tripping in hyperspace.

Why aren't you a goddamn gentleman? You push through your trip to go help her out. You know, I like this guy who's afraid of commitment and calls his sort of girlfriend, his partner. Why do we have to have labels, man? I had to chase her to the bathroom tripping in hyperspace and had to hold her hair while she threw up.

Now, God damn it, ladies, you all know that's true love. If you're with a man and he's willing to hold your hair while you fucking puke, I mean, God damn it. It was almost like seeing Metallica playing live ride the lightning. Holy shit with crazy stage light watching her puke at the same time

where are you running over at the same time helping my girlfriend oh now she's your girlfriend all right good holding her hair and say you're doing good it's okay

I got you he writes ha ha ha ha anyways I'm glad I tried sober it was tried it sober okay

it was fun but don't think I would do it again. Oh, you did it! What the fuck was I talking about earlier that fed into this? That you just do it one time. And you said, answer the listeners, please be responsible, especially listeners in the U.S. Please test your product and be safe.

God knows, our shit is fucking, our food is poison. You don't know what's in our Coke. I don't understand these drug dealers God damn it We know we're doing drugs Just tell us what's in it You cunt Anyway

You had a good one My tuna friend D madness I don't know You had a good one means That is fucking wild Yeah And by the way

I am by no means advocating doing that shit I think the chances of it Completely ruining your life and taking over it I have no idea what the addiction rate is. I'm just happy that that Irish dude shared that story, told it as well as he did,

and has decided not to do it again. In the long run, that's always a better choice. All right, 60s Ford guy, Dear Billy Pamcake Tits. Did you mean pancake or P-A-M? You wrote, oh, Pampake. I don't know. Dude, you guys, like the level that these, you guys, your insults at this point,

I feel like I'm the only one who doesn't get them, and as long as you guys are laughing. Longtime listener and fellow huge Ford Nut as well. I just turned 32 and always heard my dad talking about cars he had growing up. Was listening last week to the guys wanting to get into 60s T-birds as well. It made me pull the truck.

Trigger and get a 65 thunderbird to tinker on with my dad. Dude, that's fucking awesome. But after I got it, he soon passed at 53. All right, that's not awesome. But after he got it, he soon passed at 53, dude. Last year unexpectedly. Ugh. I got to work on it a little bit with him. But life's too. short to not drive whatever the fuck you want if you can yeah that's that's the life lesson so now this is going to be worked on and passed down to my son uh to the guy last week looking at getting one you'll never grow wrong every time you hop in a classic you'll have a shitty grin ear to ear every time you drive it that that is possibly the truest thing i've heard in a long time because i'm

not going to lie to you as my kids get bigger and stuff and the garage becomes less and less mine some days i look at my old ford truck and think about getting rid of it and every time i get in it and i go through the gears and it's just three fucking gears i do the same thing i have the window down i stick my head out the window like ace ventura and i go woo every time um a little on the t-birds from 65 and on they all came standard with power front disc brakes and power steering, which was huge back then when most cars that was optional. They all have a minimum of an F.E. 390 or a 428 big block as well, which are some of the best motors Ford ever produced, in my opinion. Later 60s ones

had 429 big blocks like the boss Mustangs. So they are big cars. but are powerhouses and very comfortable smooth cruisers, as well as in this market, some of the cheapest classics to get into. They are very budget-friendly options. Now, let me ask you this. If it has that same big block as the Mustang, it's obviously geared differently.

So you could probably switch out a transmission and a rear end so you don't rip the fucking back end off. And you could have a nice sleeper if you want it. to but i have to tell you going fast is fucking overrated that's some young person shit um cruising around oh my god it's fantastic i'll tell you some another thing that's underrated is to fall in love with cars that these demonic reptilian fucking baby boomers aren't into the ones that took capitalism right to the fucking end and they have all of this fucking money to spend like $275,000 on a fucking Ford F-250 high boy crew cab rotisserie restoration.

You paid as much as a fucking new Ferrari for it. Like it took to like a mercury marquee or a Thunderbird of Ford Galaxy, you know, Ford Galaxy, you'll pay some money for that. A lot of people like that. But there's just so many like cool, like if you can actually get into those, you know, those company cars that all like the upper management guys in my neighbor. And it was funny, they were like upper management, but like the disparity in income wasn't as big. Like a CEO used to make 40 times what the working man made. and now they make 400. So probably the guys in my neighborhood

were like junior executives trying to work their way up to that. And like I said, the guy across the street from me always had Oldsmobiles. And I just, oh my God, he came home with this green one one time with green leather interior.

It's like the whole front seat looked like a fucking living room sofa. You know, with those that pushed in button leather. It was funny, like with the GM product that the people that worked in the different divisions, Buick and Oldsmobile, they would do everything that they could to make their car as good as a Cadillac without infringed, the friendly reminder that it's like you can't make an Oldsmobile better than a Buick, you can't make a Buick better than a Cadillac.

That's how it worked back then. why it was so fucking cool that people knew like by what you were driving how well you were doing or if they knew how well you were doing what you were driving could show that you were more maybe more frugal like my one of my grandfathers was a really frugal guy and i always thought it was so cool that he always made sure my grandmother because she was she was a car person too she always had a new car and he always drove a used car but his thing was that she drove new he drove used but then he was a member of the local country club and he had his own golf cart so that was his like luxury item and they just lived this fucking simple perfect life um and i remember

my grandmother her whole life she told this story of how my grandfather bought her a brand new car and she fucking loved it and like my grandmother was one of those ones that like you know every like once every couple of years

they would drive into Chicago and go on to Michigan Avenue and she was so excited she couldn't even handle it and she would go down and buy herself a new pair of shoes and it was and and like those shoes that she bought that she saved up for like she would keep them forever and take unbelievable care of them, you know, shine them up, take them to the car.

This is like back when like little things were big fucking things back then. So anyway, she had this new car. This is such a great story. And I can't even tell it the way she did. So anyway, she had this new car and she would drive the car for two to three years. years and then he would get her another new car and meanwhile he would drive his used car into the fucking ground but he could go golf smoke his pipe hang out with the fellas and have his own golf he had to figure out happy wife happy life and she loved him and and he loved her right so he got he got

her this new car and like 53 or 54 forget what the year was and then the very next year she goes, I was driving by the Chrysler lot and she saw, I think it was a Chrysler Imperial and I even think it was a convertible or as my daughter calls it a

no roofer. Hey dad, look, a no roofer. There's a few things you don't correct with your kids because they're so cute you don't want them to stop saying it. Like my son says, hey dad, can you put the TV for me? I'm not correcting. Can you turn on the TV? until i just love when he says

dad can you put tv for me i just love it so anyway um she saw this this christ 95 chrysler imperial she goes it was emerald green and i remember when when she would describe the car like

it was just above a whisper and she would be like it was emerald green with this cream leather interior and she just oh it was such a beautiful car and she came home and she just knew she had to have it. And she also knew that her husband was really frugal and he had just bought her a car. And that the rule was, that's it. I don't want to hear about it for another, you know, three years or whatever.

And she said, I went down there. She said, I went home and I brought it up. And, you know, he was all now, so and so now. What are we doing? blah blah blah you know and she just worked on him and she made i will do this i promise i i blah blah i won't ask for anything and then he just finally went down there and he traded in the new car and he got her that 195 emerald green with cream white leather interior and she talked about anytime i brought up cars because i it's one of those things i just loved hearing her talk about

She was more than happy to tell that story For the rest of her life She talked about that car And she loved cars And you know If there was one scratch She would take it down to the dealership And get it fixed

She kept all of her shit Nice And Anyway so going back to that I just don't see anybody You know Like the cars a fucking art back then. You could also die in a

second because there was no safety features, but like anyway, you gotta fucking do it. If you can do it. Get a classic car. You know what's another thing about a great classic car? You don't drive distracted. You know? And it's also not spying on you and talking to your phone and trying to get all your contacts and your family photos like these

fucking weirdos. But by all means, let's focus on the guy down at Home Depot trying to help you build a fucking back porch for no goddamn money. Gotta get that guy out of the country. Fucking so stupid. They should get all of these fucking nerds. All of these fucking nerds out of the country.

You know, I did see out here in L.A., did I tell you this? There was this professional ring of people robbing people's houses. And the way, not only would they rob the house, the way they ransacked him and threw everything all around, they caught him. And if I was a judge, part of their sentencing is I would make them clean up hoarder's houses. That would be their community service after they did their fucking time in jail, just straightening up for fucking. in 10 years. Anyway, all right,

let's move on to the next one here. Oh my God, I'm over. I'm over the time here and I have to take my kid to a kid birthday party.

So I got to get off here. All right, we're going to end on that. Thank you guys so much for listening to the podcast. I got some LA dates coming up

and, you know, I'm going to be out in Riverside. I'm going to be out in Thousand Oaks. I'm going to be, you know, oh, hi. I'm going to do like a little run out

here to keep my act tight while I stay off the road. I'm also getting ready to do the Middle East. Excited to meet the Bill Burrs of fucking the Middle East. You know? You know, fucking meet the people,

brother. Anyway, yeah, that's it. I'm happy football seasons here. I'm happy you guys are listening. I'm in a great fucking mood. I finally got the high hat that I want. It's a little things. It's a little things.

All right, that's it. Go fuck yourselves, and I'll check it on you on Thursday.