Monday Morning Podcast - the Monday Morning Podcast 4-12-21

Episode Date: April 12, 2021

Bill rambles about golf, automated calls, and 'fit privilege'.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it is time for the Monday Morning Podcast for Monday, April 12th, Monday, April 12th. Sorry, I'm yelling 2,021. I'm going to be perfectly honest with you. I am recording this the day before because in a couple of fucking hours, I'm going out and making the lamp vibrate over here with my screaming. I'm getting my second shot of, you will be complicit. I'm getting the second shot of the Pfizer. Now, I have found that some people get a little sick. Some people get a lot sick and some people don't get sick at all. So what I'm thinking is, it's, you know, how I was raised. That all comes down to what kind of man you are. And I know everybody is different and

everybody's brave and everybody's a fucking star, you know? You know, unless you're a white guy that's successful, then you somehow, you know, you must have done something fucking evil. Dittled somebody or whatever. That's sort of the narrative right now. You know, not defending white guys, but also not vilifying all of them, you know, kind of being an adult and, you know, treating everybody like an individual, like these fucking crazy lefties act like they do, but they don't really. Oh, speaking of which, well, I will get to that in a second. Oh, Jesus, I almost forgot that. I almost forgot what I was going to talk about there. So anyway, I think that, you know, I'm just, I'm hydrating there. I took a little

vitamin C pill. I'm fucking stone sober. I got great sleep last night. You know, when you sleep so deep, you have like fucked up dreams. It's probably because I had an Oreo cookie shake with fucking whipped cream on top. That's like my fucking bourbon and cigars. Now once a fucking week, I act like some freckled fucking redheaded cunt from the 1950s. It just finished his paper route. And I go down to the soda fountain. I get myself a shake. It's all I got left, man. It's all I got left. But I love it. I love being stone fucking sober until about 730 at night. And then just those last five fucking hours of the night are not five hours, like four or whatever. It's not even that my kids wear me out. So

I'm usually asleep by 11. So if I can just, you know, the last four and a half, oh, that's still four and a half hours, huh? Yeah, shit. If I can just get through that, right? I'm usually good. So anyway, I'm going to drink in a bunch of water here, just going to be hydrated and everything. I did go on a fucking big hike yesterday, like a fucking idiot, because with therapy, I'm now Jesus, he's dropping stuff here. I learned that I worked too hard. Not that I worked too hard. I'm working because of shit I was fucking avoiding. So I'm trying to face that shit. So I've now decided that I'm going to have one day a week, right? One day a week, where I just don't do shit. I got one day where I'm not fucking

doing shit, you know, just like the Lord, right? He made the earth in six days, which is why it's so fucked up because he kind of rushed the job, you know, like he already had something else to do. Guy created the whole fucking universe in six fucking goddamn days, puts his feet up on the seventh day. Oh, did you notice the pedophiles? Oh, yeah, sorry about that. You know, whatever. Deal with it. Anyways, yeah, so what I'm finding is when I don't have anything to do, I will still fill the day up. Oh, I don't have anything to do. I'm going to play drums. I'm going to go on a hike. I'm like a lunatic. So I did do that yesterday. And I just went on a hike. I didn't stretch or anything. I just fucking went out and I woke

up today feeling like fucking Earl Campbell after he played the Steelers. So I had taken Epson salt bath. Just going on a hike. That's just, you know, it's how old I am now. It's just what it is. It is. Hey, it is what it is. So then I was like, you fucking idiot, you're getting the second vaccine shot. And you're you're already putting this pressure on yourself that if you get sick, you're not a man. So I just been drinking water and, you know, whatever, we'll see what happens. So, but I think it's a combination of everything. It's also how you, you know, just how it affects you and your DNA bullshit. But then I also think I would say that that's probably 30% of it. And the other 70% is basically how much of a fucking pussy you are.

You know, there's some people, they get a cold and they just sort of shake it off and continue their life. And then there's other people that are, you know, actually smart, they kind of shut things down and rest up. You know, if you're doing that, that's smart. But if you're the person who acts like you now have a Bola, you know, those people, they just get a fucking cold. They think they need to go to the doctor. I think those people affect are sort of affecting, you know, people talking about like that second vaccine shot and how they feel because I know somebody who works out like a maniac and is in really great condition. And she got the Johnson and Johnson, you know, two for one, bang, bang, boom, you're done. And she didn't even get sick. So,

I don't know, I'm kind of looking at that. I kind of look at like the way that I look at like golf, how golf, so many of the people that play it are just not athletes. So this idea of how difficult the game is, obviously playing it at the level that these guys at the masters are playing it, which I'll get into in a minute. I'm really enjoying watching that this year. Playing at a pro level is fucking incredible. You know, you know, being a scratch golfer is incredible. But all those people that are trying to break 100, break 90, break 80, it's just like, what sports have you excelled in? There's so many people out there like people who suck at sports are not going to go down to Venice Beach and get in a pick up

basketball game. They're not going to play touch football. Then they just, they don't play sports. But this, the thing about golf, I know I've said this is people are there because they're in an unhappy marriage. They're there because they want to make connections, you know, and they buy the whole stupid outfit. And that's what this golf is the only fucking sport where they literally change the equipment to try and they adjust the equipment to how bad a golf for you are. If you have a hook or a slice, they will give you a club where you don't have to change your fucking swing. The club does it for you. And as I've maintained during all of my rants about golf is that they have not redesigned the football, you know, so someone who can't throw the thing

can now throw a fucking tight spiral. That's my thing. You'll hit it longer and straighter with this club face. I don't have to do any work myself. Nope, nothing. Let the club do it for you. This goes back to the virus thing where I just think that those fucking people are dragging the curve down. So I'm anticipating, I'm going to feel like a little bit under the weather. But other than that, I think I'm going to be fine. And my wife's already given me shit because she goes, okay, now you're getting the shot today. So on Monday, you can't do anything. So I'm like, fine, I'd love to have a day off. Great. And I go, I really think I'm going to be fine. I go, you know, I really just think a lot of people, they're just fucking pussies. Like

anything that fucking happens, it's just like chicken little, like the fucking skies falling, right? And she's just immediately going like, you know, Bill, you know, a lot of people, they're different. They're just not wired the way you're wired. And then I realized, like, that she hasn't gotten her second shot yet. So by me saying that I'm putting pressure on her to not be like whining the next day. So I was like, all right, I get it. I get it. All right, sorry. You know what's going to happen? I bet I bet she doesn't get sick at all. And I bet I'm going to be going like, oh my god, you got to take me to the hospital. So anyway, that's that's what I'm up to. I did a couple of really, really fun shows. I did a show in a parking lot outside of a gym,

because that's where we're at as we wait for people, the smart people to go out and get vaccinated or the sheeple, as the people, as they say on the internet that listen, they don't listen to doctors, but they listen to their friend who googled something on the internet, like the internet is like, you know, there's no rules of libel or slander on the internet, you can post whatever you want and say that it's true. Just know that it's probably not a good place to go to get information. Um, yeah, there's next thing you know, you're dressed like a buffalo and you're running into the capital with no shirt on and your face painted. Like that's what happens when you go on the internet and you if you start googling shit, that can that can happen to you. You know, and I'm not shitting

on that guy. That guy came so close to being a face on our money for the next 200 fucking years, he was right fucking there and then it all fell apart. So you got to tip your fucking buffalo hat to him for, for having the balls to go after a dream. I never get mad at that. Um, anyway, so, and then the next night I went down and I returned to that. I didn't even know it was the same gig because they said it was Hermosa beach. If they said seal beach, I'd be like, wait a minute, is this this same fucking place? Um, that I went, you know, a while back where they were like, yeah, we don't have COVID down here because of the sea breeze or whatever the fuck they were saying. I went down there and it was the same fucking place, but I didn't run

into that lady. Um, but everybody this time down there was wearing masks, which was cool. You know, there was still the people that like, I just don't get the person who wears the mask and then like goes to talk to you, pulls the mask down when they go to talk and leans towards you, which is just like, how fucking dumb. Oh, I just take the mask off your fucking dope, fucking dopes. And I'm also seeing a lot of people like they got one shot and now they're like, yeah, I've been vaccinated or people just saying I've been vaccinated and they're just walking around without a fucking mask on. It's just like the level of fucking selfish fucking behavior is just, it's just fucking unbelievable. It's, it's, I will never get over, uh, just like

all it took to derail everybody who walks around talks about how tough they are is that they had to put on a mask and they just couldn't fucking do it. I mean, I'm breathing my own breath. It's dangerous. Acting like it was carbon monoxide acting like no oxygen was getting in there and you were going to pass out. It's like, no, you didn't want to do it because it was inconvenient to you because you are an individual, you know, while they all go support the troops, America, love it or leave it and all that. And then the pandemic happens and it's all just like, this is all about me. I love that. All these fucking red state cunts started fucking acting like lefty celebrities. They got their own fucking sitcom. I am not coming out of my dressing room

until every, all of my demands are met. Did you see that douchebag? They told him to put a mask on in a store and he had like a gallon of milk and he fucking spiked it like Gronkowski in the store and walked out literally like a fucking two year old because he couldn't wear a mask for fucking 11 minutes to go in and shop for groceries. Unfucking believable. Well, never, never, never fucking good. I shouldn't just put that on people in red states because I saw a lot of blueies out here doing the same fucking thing. However, I did want to talk about this as far as like, because this thing, I'm going to get my fucking vaccine second one today. And then, you know, technically, I think after a couple of weeks,

like I won't have to wear a mask, but I'll still wear one just to not make other people uncomfortable thinking I'm just some fucking mouth, breathing dope, breathing all over. All right. That's what I hear. Oh, look at me building myself up. It's an easy thing to do when you do your podcast without a guest, you know, and you don't get questioned. All right. So plowing ahead here. So I did the second show at Hermosa, which was great. There was like three people that were like, you know, John Bonham leveled drunk in the crowd and they were running their yaps, which was a little annoying, but the payoff came in the end when one of them literally did a face plant in the front row. It was awesome. And he went down

and I couldn't see him hit because of the way the stage was. He just disappeared. He was right in the front row and just fell down. I saw it out of the corner of my eye. And then I looked at the sober people in that section, those poor people who were trying to listen to my acting instead of this idiot commenting on everything I was saying. And I was like, did he just fall down? And they just go like, yeah, he did. And then like it took, I swear to God, it took like 40 seconds before he resurfaced. And he had his hand, his hand. He was trying to push himself back up on the chair. And I was saying, I was always a fan of the three students. So it was worth it. He was a harmless guy. He was a nice guy. He just was fucking shitfaced. And you know what? It was Friday

night on a beach and I was performing outside. So, you know, what are you going to do? Right? What are you going to do? It was a really, it was a good time. But just for all you guys who think that like LA is like super liberal and shit. Yeah, that was LA. And it was on the beach, brah. And like the next day, I wish I knew during the show because I wouldn't have made fun of them. But the next day, like I think today or yesterday, maybe they were having a clan rally. Clan rally. Yeah, the ultimate white privilege. Clan rally. You can be part of that hate group, terrorist group, and you are not considered a terrorist. They actually, my wife went on their

website and they were saying how they're not a terrorist group. Yeah, we're all about love. We just love white people. So anyway, I have a bunch of questions for the clan. When you join the clan and you pay your membership, do you get the sheets with the membership? Or is it like the Marines and the Air Force and the armed services now? We actually have to pay for your uniform too. And also, has the uniform slightly changed over the years? Do you have a favorite era of clan uniforms? Is there a redneck like Mitchell and Ness, that if you want to go old school, you could get like a clan hoodie from like the 1920s? Just out of curiosity? Anyway, plowing ahead. I feel bad for those people. You know, just living on one

little patch of grass in this whole big world. Why would you do that to yourself? I ain't eat no food unless it's white food. All right. That's how you want to do it. Anyway, but I've been watching the masters, all the clan people just perked up, master, I liked it. I liked it. I liked it. I liked it. I've been watching that and I actually watched it yesterday. And there's this Japanese dude who just fucking took over. Just fucking took over yesterday. He was in, I don't know, because I came in so late and the names not only are all different. They're Zalatoris. There's another guy, S-C-H-A-U-F-F-E-L-E. I mean, Jesus Christ. Sheffley. Sheffilly. Then there's Leishman. Some guy Rose or whatever. But like this guy, Matsuyama. I'm saying that right. Hideki Matsuyama.

This is like fucking hockey now. I can't pronounce any of the fucking names. Hideki Matsuyama was tied for the lead at seven under. And I think he was on like the 14th hole. And then just, he just went on a tear and birdied like four of the last five holes or something like that. And is now 11 under going into the final day here. You got four guys tied. Zalatoris, Sheffley. Leishman and Rose. It's seven under. Now, obviously, you guys all know what happened. So I'm really looking forward to watching that. And as I sat down to do this podcast, my Boston Red Sox were playing the Baltimore Orioles, who I've always loved because I loved that guy. I think he might have passed away. The bearded dude used to stand on the dugout and

spell out O-R-I-O-L-E-S Orioles. I always thought that was so cool. And I loved Earl Weaver screaming at the umpires and all of that shit. I loved Eddie Murray, Jim Palmer. I just, oh, I was just loved that franchise. And they were always really, really good when I was growing up. They just had always had great teams. And so I always respected them. But anyway, you know, we were on. And for some reason, the MLB package works in the house, but when I get in the garage here in my office, it said that I didn't have the package. So I just said, fuck it. So I tried to order it. And I call up and they're doing the dumb shit, you know, where the automated thing is trying to act like it's a person and you know it isn't.

And it's like, hmm, hang on a second. And then they have those keyboard sounds. And it's always the same keyboard sound every single time. Like, like, who is the fucking corporate douche that made me make that thought that is such not a human being that thinks that that that is a comforting thing for me. The whole fucking thing is insulting. I'm talking to a computer. It should just just make it sound like a computer. Hello, welcome to direct TV, a computer system. What is your name? So I go through the whole bullshit, the name on it, the fucking phone number, all of this fucking shit. And it always the same thing always fucking happens. The stupid automated thing can't help me. And then some guy from

fucking India comes on the phone and acts like his name is john. When I always call them by their name a bunch of time, hello, john, how are you? Yes, hello, my name is john. It's not john. Just say your real fucking name. How racist do you think I am that if you actually tell me what your real name is, it's going to sound too ethnic. You know what, because that probably happens. So now he has to act like his fucking name is john. I have to act like that fucking automated thing was helping me. And we both have to act like we're happy with our lives in this moment. The whole fucking thing is so goddamn phony. So then they get on there. Who's the fucking thing under?

I tell him who it's under, you know, do the whole fucking thing. I give him the phone number, all of that shit. And then they're like, do you know your password? No, I don't. All right. For your security purposes, let me ask you a question. And they're like, what's your wife's favorite restaurant? It's like, I don't know all of them. What's the most expensive restaurant in my general fucking area that one? So I couldn't answer that one. And it's like, isn't it enough that I gave you the name and the fucking phone number? And then he goes, well, you know, just to let you know that your security is our number one priority over here. And it's like, no, it isn't John. It isn't John. First of all, you started this relationship with a lie,

telling me your fucking name is John. And you know, John, while I was waiting to talk to you, the recording said that if, if I order this sports package, it's going to automatically renew every year. And if I want to cancel it, I have to cancel it before the season starts. And you're saying that my, that your number one priority is my, is my security isn't money is the number one security. No, it's the number one. It's your number one. What the fuck am I saying? Is your number one priority? Because you know, a lot of people are going to sleep on it. And the fucking, the, the, the, the season's going to start, and then they're going to call up to cancel. And then you have to loophole to say it's too late. And then of course, I know, I know the back door is all I have to

then say is like, well, then fuck it, cancel my direct TV. Okay, we're going to make an exception. Don't act like you're doing a favor. I cracked your code. I know what it is. You're all about the fucking money. So I couldn't answer the restaurant. I couldn't answer the thing. I couldn't answer any of these fucking goddamn questions. And I just say to the guy, I go, all right, you know what, I'm old enough to realize this isn't going to get to where I want to be. So just have a nice day. Goodbye. And I hang up on the guy. And then what does he do? After all, he's, yeah, yeah, bullshit. He fucking calls me right back, like a hot chick that discovered that I no longer give a fuck about her. You know, when that happens, and then all of a sudden they come up to you like some stray cat

that he gave milk to, you had the fucking balls to call me back. So I didn't even fucking answer it. You know what, you know what, there's certain things when you're married, you just have to realize like, you know what, this is a job for my wife. She's good at this shit, right? You need the trash barrels taken out, you need them brought in, they smell like fucking ass and you need them washed out. That's my job, right? You got to call up direct TV and you need passwords and people's favorite restaurants. That's when you have to go to your wife. And I fucked up in, you know, all I got out of that phone call is I hope that in a, you know, you know, in a world sometimes soon, the guy, whatever his name is, is not going to have to get on the phone and

fucking tell me that his name is John. I used to tease those guys and then I realized like, why am I going after them? The people I really want to yell at is some fucking stuff shirt that lives over here, probably has like some fucking offshore accounts and phony companies that build from another phony company that goes all around the fucking islands, right? And then comes back to him and then he doesn't pay taxes. That's the guy I want to fucking yell at. Not some poor bastard that's got to talk to some hothead like me. He's been talking to a computer that's been pretending to fucking type. Then we'll make the typing sound and then the person on the other end will feel like they're

talking to a person, you know, I don't know. I always have to put it on mute and then say what I want to to the robot because if I call the robot a cunt, it'll be like, I'm sorry, I don't understand what you just said. And then you have to start over again. It becomes a big pain in the ass. Anyway, so you wouldn't know that I'm actually happier than I've ever been. I really am. I really am. And I'm getting along great with my wife. And just once a week, we just go out on a date, we hang out and we just have the best fucking time and laugh our asses off. The way we used to actually wanted to bring her on the podcast and I've missed having her on the podcast because I love when she comes on and she gives me shit and all of that. And it's just,

we got the kids now. So it's like difficult because I want to have her on now, but my son is taking a nap. So she has to be watching them, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, but a Thursday afternoon, I'm going to have to literally have to have her come on as like a special guest now. It's crazy. So, but obviously the trade off is worth it. So let me see if my reads or advertising have come in yet. Hey, is it you guys like me? Is it weird that the only golf tournament you can get into during the year is the is the masters? I don't know why that is. That's just like the only one that I can get into. But I think I could get into the British open. Is that what they call it? Even though it takes place in Scotland, you know, and they came up with it, you know, whatever

the fuck they call it. Maybe they don't call it the British open. That's just me being an idiot. But I, oh, good. I got my content here for the week that I had the filibuster here. I should try to watch one of those wire to wire, but I can never get into like the PGA in the US open. But I've always, this has been something about golf. I've just always, much as I make fun of the sports golf, it's kind of like Star Wars when I made for the Star Wars, but I didn't really seriously hate it. I just knew that people were really into it. So I make fun of it. Just what you do is a comic. You see people enjoying shit, and then you fucking shit on it, because you're secretly not a happy person. I mean, that's what that's basically the formula.

So I'll tell you, watching it yesterday, the shape that golfers are in now, I mean, they make me want to work out. They fucking lean and mean a lot of them. I missed the fat golfers. And it was something that I always loved about golf, bowling, pool, all of those like, you know, I don't know, fringe sports, I guess you'd call them. Like that's that big debate, like what makes something a sport. And for me, it was always somebody standing across from you, trying to stop you, trying to prevent you from doing whatever physical endeavor that you were doing. You know what I mean? Like, the thing about golf is it's just you walking up to it, to the ball, and hitting it. I understand, believe me, that just you are

left alone with your own thoughts, as someone who has a fucking thundering lightning between his ears, half the fucking day. I understand that that is a very difficult thing to do, right? But so is baking, you know, that doesn't make it a sport. There's a lot of difficult things to do, changing the fucking, the timing changer in an engine, you got to take the whole, that's a fucking difficult thing to do. It's not a sport. You know, now if you had a wrench and there was someone between you and that engine block, they're trying to tackle you, or fucking screaming at you and all of that shit. Yeah, then I would say that's a sport. I think they are, they are athletic activities, because it involves, you know, coordination. I would say that, right? I mean, that opens up

how the canoes, whatever. Whether there's sports or not, I don't give a fuck. I enjoy watching. I'm like, I will sit down and fucking watch bowling. I love it. I loved, I loved, and I just liked that you could do those activities and be completely fucking out of shape. And I also like, like that, you know, golfing and bowling and shooting pool were done while getting fucked up, drinking and smoking and all of that shit. It was just this unhealthy lifestyle while you were getting in some, you know, physical activity, like throwing darts, you know, so you had like a shredded elbow, but the rest of you look like a fucking, a Yaks bladder, whatever, whatever the fuck that looks like. I was just picture that shit, like a giant liver that's been hollowed out.

But like the fat golfer is gone, like there was one guy who was in the leader, and he was just really like mushy. He wasn't obese, but he was just mushy. You know, his chest was, you know, stomach was holding up his fucking titties. And it's just like, you know, there was like a shame to it. Now, you know, I respected him because he was still wearing a tight shirt. But like, you got to be thinking now with all of these fucking like golfers that are in like, you know, shredded shape, you know, wiry sort of shape that at the very least, they're gonna have an advantage because then that lugging around an extra 30 pounds. And then secondly, you know what I mean, you finish the 18th hole, you want to walk off, you know, meet a couple of ladies, you know,

if you're coming up there with sweaty mantits, you know, women can look past that if you're making money. But if there's other guys coming in, and they got pecs, they don't got titties, like you're going to lose, right? So I think that's a good thing, like that's going to make golfers get more into shape. I would think. Anyway, let's plow ahead here. Let's do some reads here. All right. Oh, my bookie. Yeah, you got to fuck you doing. All right, all right, get a little action on the game. Okay, raise the stakes. Watching any sport is a hell of a lot more exciting when you got a steak in the game. God damn right. I had, I had 50 bucks, just 50. That's just big money, right? I had 50 bucks on that NCAA final against my buddy Paul Versey, and I was up off the couch

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I will tell you this. I really miss mowing the lawn. All right? That was one of my favorite. I fucking love doing it. You know, when I was a kid, you know, my dad be like, Christ, get out there, motherfucker, get in here, hit the fucks. All right, dad, right? I used to put on my little fucking Walkman, right? I'd listen to my fucking heavy metal. I would go out there and I would mow the lawn, get a couple more freckles. I loved it. I loved the smell of it. I loved the whole strategy that I would have where I would like, I had a whole way that like a Zamboni, the way I would do it. So I didn't have, because you know, we didn't have like the bag. The bag was a pain in the ass because the bag would fill up quick and then you got to

stop and empty it out. It was just a fucking pain in the ass. So what I would do was, you know, whichever way the lawnmower we had, it blew the shit out to the, to the right. So I would mow the outskirts. I do a big fucking square where it all blew in and then I would go down the middle, right? And I would, and I would just, I would just keep doing that square in the square, big rectangle, right? I would just keep getting small and small and each time it was blowing it to the right until I just had this big one long strip of grass rake it up and I would be fucking done. Because if you left it out there, the sun would get on it and it would burn and would leave these, these streak marks, you know? And then my dad would be like, Christ, it looks like shit.

And you have to get out. Oh my god, fucking hilarious guy. Sunday lawn care. All right, I already talked about it. See your lawn thrive this spring with your own custom lawn, custom lawn care plan for Sunday. Sunday is more than just a lawn care product. It is a custom lawn care plan with a variety of ways to help you grow a beautiful lawn, control weeds and remove pests. They take out all of the guesswork and unwanted chemicals. That's a good thing. So you can grow a beautiful lawn that's better for people, pets and the planet. I was speaking of which, I saw this thing on, you know, somebody did send me this thing. I, you know,

like, not like I didn't notice, but you know, bathroom products that they test on rabbits and they're shooting things into the eyes and burning them with chemicals. And there was this whole list of fucking shit that was animal friendly bathroom products. If anybody's using that stuff, if you can recommend a deodorant in a lotion that works, I'm all in. I'm all in. All right, enough. You know, I've been a douche enough in my life. So trying to be, I'm in the back nine of my life. Who's kidding? Who? I'm probably on, you know, the 12th hole here. So let's fucking try to be a good guy here a little bit. Sunday makes taking care of your lawn easier than ever. I just went to Sunday.com. I hate when they say that. I didn't, I just,

I'm getting this copy now. I believe in this. I would like a green lawn, but I didn't just go there, but you can go to just Sunday.com. You put in your home address and their free lawn analysis will take a look at the rest all in just seconds. Sunday uses soil and climate data to create a tailored nutrient. What are they going to Google earth my fucking house? So you get all this stuff your lawn needs and nothing it doesn't. Sunday is made with ingredients that you can actually pronounce like seaweed. Iron and molasses is what I like right here. All natural shit molasses. So you can grow better and feel better about it. This is great. I'm behind this product. I don't know about that big brother ship, but I like seaweed molasses and iron. Sunday explains exactly

what you get and why and everything is waiting at your door when you need it. All you have to do is attach the ready to use pouch to a garden hose and spray. Lawn care used to take up, used to take up a whole day. Now it only takes less than 15 minutes. Best of all, the stuff really works and the grass looks better than ever. This is perfect. Everybody, it's all natural. So you don't have to worry that you're poisoning little fucking varmints, that the birds that you eat and the coyotes eat and you fucking poison the whole food chain. Good for these guys. I like this. And you know something? I got some of that liquid death that comes in the aluminum can. It's great fucking water and it's made out of an aluminum can so

you can recycle it. There you go. I like these products. Let Sunday take the guesswork out of growing a greener, more beautiful lawn this spring. Visit get Sunday.com slash bird to get $20 off your custom lawn plan at checkout. That's $20 off your custom plan at get Sunday.com slash bird. And it's April, man. This is the time to do it. And it's all natural and you won't be killing any birdies or rabbits. Isn't that nice? And your lawn will be nice and green. It'll be all lush. You get some hair plugs. Your lawn looks like the head of hair. Next thing you know, the ladies are checking you out and you're having a good fucking time. By the way, I'm going to tell you something the most exciting fucking thing that's happened to me in a while other than becoming

a dad. Okay. Is or the yeah. Yeah, that's it. Right. I got the green light to get that truck. I got the green light to get the truck. But the thing is, is I have to keep my four door sedan because I have kids. So I am a frugal bastard. So I am not going to buy the truck until my Vegas gig, my gig in Vegas. And once I see that indoor gigs have come back and that I can make money on the road, I am going to build the F 250 of my dreams. I can't wait. If I can just find a place where I can store it because I don't have the fucking room for it is the stupidest fucking thing I'm ever going to buy. I bought a lot of dumb shit, but I don't give a fuck. All right. I figured my kids get a little bit older.

You know, I can teach them how to drive when they're young, then I can get rid of my car. And then I'll just have that fucking truck. And then that fucking truck, I'm done. That is my Ferrari. That's the fucking vehicle. I always wanted order a Ford F2. I don't know why. I just, I played with Tonka trucks when I was a kid and I just got into them. And as much as I like cars and that type of shit, I've always liked trucks better. And I'm talking like every fucking truck. Like I, there was a while, man, I was going on the internet and I'm talking like delivery trucks. Like I found this, there was a truck. It was actually the company was white. I think it was just called white truck or whatever. I swear to God, I was like,

that's the name of the company. Let me just look this up. And I found like a cab with like a chassis and I sent it to the guy, this guy that I know that does rebuild trucks amazingly. White truck. Let's see here. Ten wheeler. See if I can find it. No, that's, I forget the name of it because now it's just showing up as the color. It was something white. I forget what, but it was just like, it was like a, from the early seventies and it just had the cab and the chassis and I just sent him a picture. I was like, what can you do with this? And he was just like, oh man, I could fucking build you a sick ass ride. And I was showing it to my wife and she was like, that's stupid. What were you going to do with it? It's like, I don't know. Drive down the street and

feel like a five year old in a sandbox. Can I have that? You know, the fuck chicks get to have their, their version of the Kardashian walk-in closet. Why can't I have my version of a fucking tonk of truck? But anyways, she gave me the green light and now I have to push through the Catholic guilt of just buying something and doing something for yourself, you know, that fucking shit. You know, I did a stand up gig at a, at a Methodist church and I was talking to somebody because I was just like, you know, I might take this fucking being sober thing all the way because I used to go to church every week, but like, I can't go to the Catholic church because, you know, I mean, of what they did to those kids and how they look the other way. And now every time I feel

like I'm giving them money, I'm paying for their defense attorneys, right? But I don't know, I might go to a Methodist thing just to see what their take on Jesus is. And even though I'm not into any of that shit, I don't believe in any of it. There's something about going to a service once a week. It's like going to an AA meeting for fucking Alkes. It reminds you, hey, you know, don't fucking do that. Like, I feel like there, there is something to be said about going to that shit. Oh, Jesus, guys, are you losing me? Am I, am I becoming 700 club bill? Relax, that ain't gonna happen. If anything, I'll go there and get material on myself. All right, let's, let's read some of the, some of the letters from the fine folks out here before I put on

the masters, which just fucking started. Fuck. I don't have my remote. Oh, well, I miss a little bit of it. All right, in case you missed it, we announced the new rescheduled shows last week. Oh, this is about my tour. Yes. In case you missed it, we announced some new and rescheduled shows last week on the podcast for my fall tour. The bill buys an F 250 fall tour. And we're adding more shows. Second night added at Red Rocks in Denver on Friday, October 1st. I cannot fucking believe I'm going to be performing at that venue. I have to do something at that place to, I have to record, I have to do something. You know, when you get to play a venue like that, God knows if you ever get to come back again. So I have to document. I don't know what I'm going to do. Maybe,

who knows, maybe do a vinyl record there? Who knows? Who knows? And when I'm on tour, I'm going to be bringing my Madison Square Garden one, the double album, which dude, it looks fucking sick. It opens up like a vinyl album. And then in the middle is this panoramic shot. I had the stage was in the middle in the round of the crowd and my little dumb ass in the middle of it, it looks fucking sick. And the recording is incredible. And nobody has it yet. Nobody has it yet. So I've been trying to think of how to go about selling that thing. You know, maybe Amoeba records out here, you know, tower records is shut down. Like, I don't know. You know, if you have a record store or something like that, maybe we can figure something out. But

I'm going to be selling that when I'm out on tour. So all right, third show added in Long Beach. Oh, my God, at the terrorist theater. Then that's where Richard Pryor did that special Richard Pryor live and concert, the concert movie that changed stand up comedy. I think the two best specials of all time are that one in Bill Cosby himself is in that is the entire gamut. As far as working totally squeaky clean, although Bill Cosby says asshole once. And and Richard Pryor just being totally raw, honest, the performance, the whole thing, just two masters. And that is for me is the entire gamut. Although there is the Andy Kaufman thing to where you just go up and try to annoy the shit out of the crowd and read the great Gatsby. I don't know. As far as shit that I

related to those were the pillars right there. All right, second night added in St. Louis at the fabulous Fox Theater on September 29. Third show added in San Jose on Sunday, November 7 at the San Jose Center for the performing ads. Go to bill burr.com slash tour for tickets and get more tour updates. I cannot wait to get out there in front of you guys and give you my new hour of ignorance. All right, here we go. Here we go. Let's get into what defined folks writing in had to say this week. All right. Thank you, Bill Burt podcast and anything better. Dear Bill, my favorite part of the week weekend now is to wake up Saturday to a new episode of anything better. That's the one I do with Paul Verzi. What a perfect time to post a podcast kudos to you and Paul. Also the stan

hope episode of Bill Burt was amazing. Can't wait for part two. I think he joined the podcast again or even as a regular once a month guest. Yeah, we had Doug stan hope. One of the greatest comedians of all time. It's just it's a fact and it doesn't get set enough other than by hardcore because you got to be a hardcore fan fan. A stand up. There's a lot of people that think they know stand up comedy. You got to watch Doug stan hope. This guy is the real deal. If you're looking for somebody that is going to say exactly what the fuck he's thinking and does not give a shit about the fall out. This is the comedian for you and he has been that guy ever since I first met him in the late 90s when he had the long hair and I had the orange afro way back in the day when we look like extras on

the fucking Barney Miller. He is the fucking man. So he did yeah he did episode of Bill Burt this week and then the anything better podcast with Paul Verzi. This is what I did during the pandemic was basically a you know it was a way for me to connect with comics that I hung out with but didn't get to see. I'm starting to do podcasts with them and I'm having a great time doing it so check them out if you can. All right. Fatty here. Hey little Billy Longstocking to the butthurt fatty that emailed you last week as a fat person myself. I find your take on the subject hilarious. Well thank you because I'm not against you. I'm rooting for you. You know but I my job is to make fun of shit. So you know that is that is what it is. He said if slash when or he or she said this a joke hits

close to home that's because of my own insecurities in the truth that you're telling. If anything you're motivating us fatties to make better decisions and the ones that take offense need to waddle to a mirror and take a look. Yeah that's what's hilarious. It's like what I'm doing is not fatal. What they're doing is fatal. If you're pale freckled red face can improve. Why can't I. Yeah dude. If I can try. Yeah if I can become better at something. Look at the way I look. Yeah exactly. That gives everybody hope. Anyway this person says I'm going to start this 30 day increment deal you do and bite off small chunks until I'm a less fatter fuck. I'll laugh at you ridiculing the majority of society while I do it including the butthurt

fatty that emailed their complaint while sobbing through another half gallon of bluebell. Go fuck yourself. Well there you go. That's the attitude. The attitude you gotta fucking have. And good luck to you sir or ma'am. I am rooting for you and I'm even rooting for the fucking sad fatty who fucking emailed me last week. Sorry trying to stay hydrated here. Your desire to stay fit is privilege. Oh god oh please please with your flat screen TV tell me how privileged my flat screen thing is. Oh god are they gonna say the obvious thing that in starving countries that just getting nutrition. This is gonna oh my god this I'm gonna really have to grip my teeth through this. Dear Bill I'm writing to inform you that your journey to fitness is

racist and privileged laden. Oh I thought it was because I was an old dad and I had a responsibility that I was going to bring kids into the world in late life as I did to stick around long enough to raise them so they're not bad people. The ability to be a specific form or size is inherently determined by what you find attractive in yourself. Well I'm not smart enough for that sentence let me try to slow down. The ability to be a specific form or size is inherently determined by what you find attractive in yourself. I suppose you've dated women from cold countries that require weight for survival. Well I grew up in the east coast and we had nor'easters. It's easy

with the colonial perspective you have oh god here's all the buzzwords the colonial perspective you have to not see this. Oh well thank you for for squeegeeing my third eye oh genius. You wouldn't last in the Chandra where my grandparents grew up. They were not skinny Germans like yourself. They were strong and had pride. Oh wait a second. So are you saying Germans aren't strong and don't have pride? Now didn't you call me racist earlier? When you mentioned being bald as a negative feature you were insulting the very weak genes your race has. Look at this. This is the classic. This is the classic woke liberal being reversed. Well not everybody who's German is bald you fucking moron. It's called having

a sense of humor about yourself. Please consider this and make changes to your life accordingly. Oh my god I mean that has just stuck the landing for fucking pompous and pressed with yourself liberal bullshit. Yeah well all right wow wow that was that wow that was a clap of thunder wasn't it? Okay anyway yeah I'm sure that's why they survived up there because they were fat fucks acting like they're fucking walruses. I think dressing warmly you know and not putting all that extra burden on your heart is probably a better way to survive but evidently yes. I'm not a I'm not a fat fuck because I can't stop eating cookies. I'm just trying to stay warm. All right yeah that was that

was mind blowing. Advice. Please consider this and make changes to your life accordingly. Oh my god I mean just like the the fucking I am a lefty and I am I cannot fucking believe maybe it always existed just under the surface and that's what the people the red side was always pointing out but I guess the left has always been really fucking self-congratulatory. No but the right does it too. If you ever listen to Ted Nugent there's another tip from your old uncle Ted like yes the whole fucking thing figured out what a way to go through life. I always thought I constantly said how fucking stupid I am in this that's how I thought I was maybe someday I can reach this person's

level of fucking I don't know what wokeness I don't even know what that was that's just one of those things you know when you run into a person like that you do yeah you just the best thing you just agree with them oh okay is that how it works okay. Just let them walk off feeling like they did something. Anyway advice. By the way can more people like that please write in. Advice. Hey Bill fucking love your podcast bro. Been a fan for years through your stand-ups and movies etc. I have an issue Bill. I myself am black and am dating a white woman. Oh Jesus why would you do that? Who has an interracial child? Uh parentheses not a problem okay the problem is the way her kid behaves. I was just fucking with the white chick thing by the way. Okay the problem is the way

her kid behaves. I was brought up in the whoop your kid era uh that we as a society have forgotten. Yeah I don't think you want to do that. You don't do that. The kid is four and seems to get away with murder. Talking back acting out the whole nine you know. I really like this woman but she seems to get upset when I mention anything about her kid's behavior like it's normal with some shit. I wasn't brought up that way so his behavior bothers me. Just thinking about his behavior is bothering me too. So should I stick it out and just deal with it or should I say fuck that and move on. Uh thanks for listening and stay funny. Hope I hear this on your podcast you ginger bastard. Um I say you say fuck it move on because if I think you really had feelings for this woman

that would have come up and you would have said you know I really like this person. I'm really I love her. I'm really into her. I this is just something that I'm just worried it's going to be up. You didn't didn't say any of that. You're just like yeah dating this white broad just got an interracial kid not a problem blah blah blah. Okay but as far as if you do decide to stick around okay you don't need to hit kids. You should never hit kids. That's not a good way to do it. You just have to remember the kids four and can't reach the food. So you have all the power. All right I'm not saying starving either. I'm just using that as an example that you are totally controlling the environment but if you're dealing with this woman who you you know sounds like you're

having a good time banging her but I don't see like you're into her. But if it if it moves on to another level then uh at the very least the kid has to respect you and you can do that without raising your voice. You can do that without inflicting pain. You can do it without starving them but you just you just don't tolerate it. Like you know when they start whining and crying you just you don't even address it. Let them have that little hissy fit flip out and then whatever they hissy fit in and flipping out about you still don't give them. And then just say to them like why would I give you whatever they tell you I don't want an ice cream. Why would I give you ice cream after you just behave like that?

Cause I want it. Yeah yeah you're not you're never going to get ice cream when you behave like that and that's how it is. Now you can go deal with that now and go flip out and throw yourself on the couch. I don't give a fuck. Okay you're not strong enough to open the fridge so you're not getting it until you behave the way you need to be behaving. So that's what I do if you stick around but I mean just the way you wrote about her I would I would I would move on. All right masturbating or cheating. Hey Bill Burrington Burrington Raincoat Factory Burlington Coat Factory I got it. Oh Burlington you did have the L in there I couldn't see it. Hey Billy Burlington Coat Factory Raincoat Factory for your love of raincoats over umbrellas.

Oh I love a raincoat. I live in Florida and to me a man who uses either is a little limp rusted. Oh yeah you got those steel balls hanging off the back of your truck. But that is an old school guy thing that if you actually dress for the weather that makes you a pussy. You always have to act like it's a nice spring day. But moving on to ask your advice I've been waiting with oh I've been with my fiance for eight years now and even before dating I had become bored with regular regularly watching porn online masturbation. So one day 10 years ago I discovered online dating sites oh boy and started to talk to women I met online on the phone sorry and it would eventually what the hell is it led to phone sex

ever since then masturbating by myself is uninteresting and unfulfilling. I've continued this practice since being exclusive with my current fiance and was wondering if it's considered cheating. That's always an easy question if you told her you were doing this how would she react. I never used my real name and haven't updated my pics since initially signing up 10 years ago and never met any of the women offline. I used them for phone sex as long as possible and then when they want to move things further along I stopped speaking to them. I've never cheated on any previous girlfriends in my life and was wondering your thoughts on this thanks in advance PSI love the podcast and go fuck yourself. Yeah talk to a therapist

talk to a therapist one of the problems that is developed in this age of technology yeah you're addicted to phone sex and yeah and you know I had like a porn addiction that I just I finally realized I'm fucking doing this all the time this is how you know you're addicted to porn if you try to jerk off with just your thoughts and if you can't make it happen you got a fucking problem that needs to be addressed so I would talk to a professional and just say you have a problem and I would nip this in the in the bud is that how you say it I always forget butt or bud nip it in the bud and just fucking handle this shit before you get married because living a life like that is going to wear on you and you're going to feel like a piece of

shit so I wouldn't do that I mean how would you like it if she was doing that would you consider that not cheating you know of course you would what you're doing is wrong so I would talk to I would go to a therapist and talk to them and they will fucking help it out and you don't need to be embarrassed they have heard every fucking thing in the world and what you have here is like is like a misdemeanor compared to what the fuck they hear every goddamn day and they'll help you through it and you'll you'll be back to being a really sort of a normal person because this whole fucking thing jerking off using technology is is if you really think about it is goes against the laws of nature because it did not exist for 99% of the time that human beings have been on earth and I feel

like we are all the lab rats of it right now and I feel like in the future people are going to be way more careful about what they watch way more careful about everything and way more like monitoring it we're back in the day you know you had a bottle of scotch in the bottom fucking desk drawer you know Mary I always married Tyler Moore she come in oh Mr Grant should be all upset and he'd fucking pour her a drink he did that today that'd be the end of your fucking career so you know this shit is just sort of like you know when cocaine first came out doctors said it was no more addicting than caffeine and then a bunch of people ruined their lives over it so don't ruin your life over this you got a great person that you want to marry you owe it to them and yourself

go to a therapist work it out I think you'll be fine all right advice on divorced parents dear Billy Nia's box breaker oh Jesus love your company and hope things are well with Nia and the kids I have a problem I could use some advice with my father divorced my mother after 18 years of marriage I was nine years old I'm 23 now my father told us he left her for the way she approached parenting so she'd yell when trying to get us to do something and other examples I won't get into my mother believes my father cheated on her and left this might be true since he entered a relationship immediately after filing for divorce yeah that's usually a red flag but I honestly don't know since then I've been I've been great I've built great relationships with both and love them very much

here's my problem during the divorce my father claims my mother took a substantial amount of ammunition and ammunition loading components he manufactures his own ammo's out of spent casings which are valued very light very highly especially now during the pandemic my father always mentioned wanting to get it all back I'd like to see it returned since both my father and I are advent shooters and it's something we bonded over while I never seen this stuff at my mother's place after she show sold the original house I wouldn't put a pastor to have taken it I just don't know how to bring it up to my mother without starting any problems or causing any drama during the divorce things got very heated with both parents filing divorce orders restraining orders on each

other at one point first my dad wasn't allowed to see my sister and I for three months and my mother wasn't allowed to see us for a month any advice you can give me on how to approach this would be greatly appreciated all right dude I would stay out of it I'd stay out of it I mean if that's how the divorce went down and you're talking ammunition and guns I would fucking stay out of that that is an easy one um just stay out of it just listen to your dad yep that sucks maybe someday you know she'll come around but do not insert yourself in you know it's not your fault that they got divorced it's not your fault that they handled the divorce the way they did it's not your fault your mother did or didn't take the shit you're not a gum shoe it's not your it's not your job

dude just don't be taking on other people's fucking problems even if they're your parents let them work that shit out and considering they're very volatile people there's whole fucking things with guns and ammo and shit I would just leave it alone that's what I would do all right rhythms of comedy what's up what's up pinky I like that because that works in an obvious way and then also you know I'm a liberal lefty so you might think I'm a commie I like all of that what's up pinky that's hilarious this clip of uh Mark Norman stand up to a drummer is bananas yeah I love them people are able to do that I also love Mark Norman he's amazing I just want you to know I just want to know what you think of it I'm recent I'm a recent fan of the show and laugh hard every episode go

fuck yourself I guess that's what cool kids say I'll tell you something else there's a comedian out there uh Greg Hahn who's fucking unbelievable and then I watched him on the Bob and Tom show playing drums he's a fucking beast uh there's a lot of drum comedians that play drums Greg Hahn is fucking right up there man he was crushing it um all right that is it that is the podcast I'll let you know on Thursday how my second shot of one suffice it goes I'll talk to you see you