Monday Morning Podcast - The View, Tables in Time Square, Guitar | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-25

Episode Date: March 20, 2025

Bill rambles about the View, tables in Times Square, and learning guitar. (00:00) - Thursday Afternoon Podcast (29:50) - Thursday Afternoon Throwback 3-20-17 - Bill rambles about Dunkin' Donuts, old cars, and losing his shit. Thursday Afternoon Interlude: Steve Vai - Answers (G3: Live In Concert)

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr. It's time for the Thursday afternoon just before Friday Monday morning podcast and I'm just checking in How are you checking it on you what's going on I Am I had an interesting morning I was on the view this morning the view and You know what's hilarious is I told my lovely wife. I Put the fan on it's fucking hot as shit in here I told my wife that I was gonna be the lovely near Because what are you doing tomorrow? And I was like I got to do the view. She goes, what? She goes, who the fuck booked you on that?

I go, what are you talking about? She goes, all the dumb shit you've said about women, what the fuck are you going on? We both just started laughing. I go, I don't know, I think it's gonna be all right or whatever. And I went in and it was great. I had a great time.

And I gotta tell you a funny Joy Behar story that I never told her. It's, I'm gonna make it vague because I don't wanna get, you know, I don't wanna say the whole thing, but one time, whatever, our paths crossed, right? So I'm talking to her, she's cool as shit, right? And there was some other comedian there, you know,

and for whatever reason, he started like trying to pick on her or whatever. And the dude was a really funny dude, and he started picking on her in the effortless way that she like trashed this dude. It was, what's that martial arts style, like a keto, you know, where you use their energy, they come flying at you like they're gonna kick your ass

and all of a sudden you send them flying across the room. It was just me, her and this other comedian and she just mopped the floor with him and like, I don't think her heartbeat went up even like half a beat per minute like it was it was fucking Effortless and I was like, holy shit and then I thought about I'm thinking like well when she came up You know as much as females comics talk about now how hard it is for female when she came up like I mean it was like ridiculous But when she came up, I mean, it was like ridiculous. So like the level of tough that you had to be,

I don't think that this comedian understood like what she had already, like that he was nothing to her. And anyway, I brought it up to her during the break today. And I got to give her a hug and thank her for the free comedy show. It's one of was what one of my just one of those moments I won't forget where it's where like like wow it's so cool to be in this business that I was in this room when that happened. Oh my god she fucking destroyed that guy.

Top to bottom destroyed the guy and then the dude left and then he came back in and I remember she just goes she just looks you know she was talking to me and he comes in and then she just barely glances at him she just goes where'd you go and he goes uh you know I went outside to have a cigarette she just looks up she goes you smoke too after she just eviscerated everything that he was doing and just it was it was a fucking work of art I've told so many comedians the detailed story of that so that's what you get on this podcast all right you ain't in the locker room so I ain't naming names names. But it was it was amazing. So it was cool to go back on there. And uh um I don't know. There you go. There you go. I'm doing I'm I'm I'm playing the game, man. I'm promoting

Glengarry Glen Ross which by the way, this is um our first sort of full week here. We did two shows yesterday we have matinees on Wednesdays and we have matinees on Saturdays and I gotta tell you man, it's it's I Was thinking all two shows that's gonna be a lot of work. It's just sort of like Fun times too So then you do like the matinee and I get like I was like amped up to do the matinee you know because everybody oh, it's the matinee and I get like I was like amped up to do the matinee you know because everybody oh it's a matinee crowd and you know there's gonna be a lot of blue hairs out there fuck that fuck that maybe they wanted to go at night and they couldn't because of their flight or maybe they

fucking I don't know maybe they couldn't get tickets let's kick this shit out of them but toward the afternoon on a Wednesday. And, you know, guys were going up trying out like different ways of doing lines, which really keeps it exciting every night. And last night on the second show, Kieran did this line to me, and he legit made me laugh. And I was trying so hard to like, hold it together. And I looked at Bob, and he had this smirk on his laugh. And I was trying so hard to like hold it together. And I looked at Bob and he had this smirk on his face. And I almost broke, which would have been, I don't know what I would have done

because my character is supposed to be pretty heated there. But like the shit that we're saying to each other is just so fucking horribly disrespectful that it's like, you know, it's also like funny so I've been trying to explain to people it's like you know a lot of the shit that we say like if somebody actually said it to you you would be offended but to watch somebody say it to somebody else is like really it's really funny so anyway we're cruising right along and the crowds have been great.

I did want to do stand-up last night, but I went to go jump on the subway. Kind of fucking annoyed me. I went down the stairs and these people were coming up and they don't say anything to me, and I go all the way down the stairs and the fucking, the turnstiles had like the police tape on it, like they weren't using it. It's like, you could have fucking said something, you cunts. And I go down there and then it smelled horrifically, horrifically of fucking urine.

I got to tell you, that fucking Bloomberg, man, he fucked this city up so goddamn bad with this bullshit. Like taking a cab now, it's slower than walking. He completely eviscerated Broadway. He stuck fucking tables and chairs in the middle of the fucking street. And I was walking through Times Square and there was this fucking guy sitting there,

like drug addict, homeless or whatever. He was picking a scab to the left of his navel and whatever he was picking off his fucking exposed belly, he was wiping on the table. I think Bloomberg's heart was in the right place, but it's like, dude, you can't completely abandon the public educational system, let our food supply be turned into poison and give us these stupid iPhones and think that you just can. And then simultaneously, you're just going to throw tables and chairs

in the street and it's going to become Paris. It's it's not how it works. All right. We're fucking animals. You got to bring us inside first and get us house trained before you try to recreate as they do on Instagram. You ever see that when the Americans try to recreate the cafe experience in America? You ever see those things? It's fucking hilarious because you know Even like a lot a lot of big cities like there's not a lot of good like sitting out on the sidewalk and watching people Go by it's why kind of like, you know the parks and stuff You know

You get like a nice park bench there's people going by either cutting through the park working out fucking weirdos musicians um sociopath fucking you know wall street tech guys you know you just look at them going like i wonder if they have like a solid platinum axe in their house and they listen to Huey Lewis. I know that scene is fucking nuts but how sick is that fucking axe? Anyway, plowing ahead here here I'm totally into fucking Moto GP I've had the time being out here To get into this stuff What is it Kota is next right? Circuit of the Americas down there in Austin

Unfortunately, I won't be able to make the race this year because I'm working here in New York obviously, but very excited about that and You know, I want to see is like this You know Mark Marquez thing. It's just crazy He's literally won everything. He's gotten both sprints won both races was pole position on both It's just been the mark markets parade, but I'm kind of excited that his brother has been able to, he's the only guy that's been able to keep up with them. So I got to think on one of these, you know, because the same thing happened

on both races, the first race he let Alex pass him so he wouldn't chew up his tires and he just sort of rode behind him until he just makes his decision that I'm gonna pass you and he just does. I was watching this whole cool video on like his ability how late he brakes and how it puts all of this weight on the front of the bike and then how he transfers it at the last second to the back brake. I don't know what he's doing which helps him front of the bike and then how he transfers it at the last second to the back brake. I don't know what he's doing, which helps him dive into the turn and then roll on the throttle when he comes out.

But it's like an art, it's like an artist. It's unbelievable. So I don't know, we'll see where that goes. I don't know. We'll see. We'll see where that goes. So anyway, Oh fucking Billy in shape. I'm still going to the big gay gym, man, underrated joining a big gay gym, the level of shape that gay guys are in. It's like motivational. Like you come in there and you're like, I am a like, no matter what shape you're in, you feel like you got a dad bod, you know?

But then after standing next to the gay guys, you feel fucking horrible. But then when you hang out with dads, you're like, oh dude, I look fucking great. I think all of those gay dudes in there, cause men are visual creatures. Like they literally have to go in there and be like in the Calvin Klein underwear shape Like that's what the fuck they're going for where like if you just go to a

gym in like the suburbs You know every guy in there is just trying to get rid of his man tits if he doesn't have man tits You know if his chest is sticking out a little further than his stomach, he's like, I fucking look all right. I like those guys with the belly and they go, but look, it's solid. It's fucking solid. It's like, that's the fat. It's calcified. Those aren't apps. Remember, I remember a long time ago, a guy used to say that he used to talk about how fucking hard his stomach was. And we used to believe it then years later did a study going like well you know when the fats in there long enough it starts to like

starts to get like petrified and I don't mean scared talking more like Some dinosaur shit So Anyway, only got one show tonight, which is cool. And I've been playing a little bit of drums and some guitar. All right, so here I am with my guitar. I'm trying to learn one Angus Young guitar solo. So I'm trying to learn the solo

from You Shook Me All Night Long. And I'm hoping in learning that and trying to figure out what notes I'm trying to learn the solo from you shook me all night long and I'm hoping in learning that and Trying to figure out what notes I'm actually playing rather than just doing like the tab thing Or have some YouTube guy. I mean I am watching a YouTube guy who's showing me how to do it, but like I'm hoping that that's gonna uh, I Don't know open up something else, but uh I don't know open up something else but The fucking that's a hard instrument for me drums just to like I don't know I just always related to him I

Think cuz I came from playing sports. It just felt more like a physical thing where guitar is just like the intricacies of it and the delin vibrato and bending strings and I don't know and then just that confusing like the guitar to me and my brain what is that that older counting tool where they would have like those beans you know they call them bean counters right they would have like the beans on like, almost like a clothing line where you would like, dry clothes. I know you guys know what the fuck I'm talking about.

I don't know what the hell it is. And they would just sit there moving the beans around and you're looking at it going like, how the fuck does that make any sense? I always looked at the fretboard like that. You know, like even when you go to tune the guitar, you know, as you're going down. It's that fucking You get to the G string which always goes out of tune

And then all of a sudden you're pressing down on the fourth fret to get a B Everything else is the fifth fret the whole way down except for that and Then when like I don't know when you're kind of moving up the neck of the guitar like it's all the same all the same All the same then you get to like the B string of the G string and then it's not your first finger. It's the middle finger I don't know. It's it's I don't know As confusing as I just explained that is how confused I am

when um When I play the guitar guitar, but i'm trying to push myself outside of it when I get fucking time when I happen When I stopped being media boy here I Got to I got to sign up for that Dave Kushner masterclass because he gets into guitar theory and shit like that I'm hoping it's gonna help me. I Also did the tonight show the other night. So first of all, thank you to everybody at the view the ladies on it Could not have been nicer I'm going to be doing a little bit of a show. I'm going to be doing a little bit of a show.

I'm going to be doing a little bit of a show. I'm going to be doing a little bit of a show. I'm going to be doing a little bit of a show. I'm going to be doing a little bit of a show.

I'm going to be my god, that looks like That's like walking around wearing a pillow So I've actually wore it yesterday Like you feel like a douche wearing like a TV credit that you have walking down the street Like if you're a writer on the show, it's cool to have like a Tonight Show sweatshirt on But if you actually did the show you look like a douche, but I still wore it That's like how comfortable the sweatshirt is but I still wore it. That's like how comfortable the sweatshirt is. Weren't you on the Tonight Show? Yes, I was. You can read it right on my sweatshirt. So

it's my new favorite sweatshirt. My two favorite sweatshirts are is that one and then a few years ago, me and my lovely wife, we rented a trailer, like one of those all silver ones that the hipsters redo. We stayed in a trailer for two days in the Santa Monica mountains. We came down the hill and we went there for, to get some food, right? And I bought a Malibu sweatshirt, like a tourist. It was funny, because Bartnik was making fun of my sweatshirt going, that's like a rich person sweatshirt. I gotta know it isn't.

I go, this sweatshirt said I was passing through Malibu. If you live in Malibu, you don't wear a shirt that says Malibu You know if you're a tourist you want to prove that you were there like nobody who lives in Paris or lives in New York You don't wear like one of those fucking New York City, you know duck motherfucker or that fuck you you fucking fuck those thing tourists buy that shit So I was a tourist and I acted appropriately and I bought a Malibu sweatshirt

and it is the most fucking, those two, really comfortable. That's what it is when you get older. When you're younger, you wanna be a badass. The older you get, you wanna be comfortable. And then fat people, they comfort over everything. I'll still you know, if I have to get dressed up, I'll put on something uncomfortable, like a tie or some shit, right? But like fat people, they don't give a fuck. You know, fat people will show up to a funeral in sweatpants and crocs. And then I love you always go like, dude, what the

fuck you're wearing? This is a wake. I you know, I don't know, I just like the uncomfortable. It's like, dude, that's your fat. That's what it is. You can't like how long how, you know, how far are you going to take this, dude? You're so out of shape, you're wearing sweatpants and crocs to a fucking wake. What are we doing? You didn't even wear your black crocs. You could have been more respectful.

Can't come in here wearing lime green crocs and then try to play it off like, well, he was a festive guy. You know, we saw the light. Fuck you. You got fat feet. Your feet are fat. It is funny, like when you look at like clothes and shit, like, um, I've kept myself in pretty decent shape my whole life. So I've yet to have to buy Skechers. Like I feel like once you get Skechers, once you buy your first pair of Skechers, that's like you're in your AARP card years.

And I have one of those motherfuckers and I always forget to use it. You're supposed to be able to use it at a movie theater and get a discount. I got a buddy of mine, he just swears by the thing. Like, he told me to get my... when you turn 50 you can get it, right? If these fucking lunatics don't get rid of... don't get rid of that too. I know they're getting rid of like Social Security, I heard, or something. I don't know. I don't know. I wish these fucking assholes that are in power right now, it's like alright So you're looking at the government justify yourself. You ever gonna get around to insurance companies?

You're gonna get around to banks. You're gonna get around to the people that poison the food supply Are we gonna figure out why Bill Gates decides that we're gonna have plastic on our apples and he has his own private orchard I imagine you think he's eating those fucking things How the fuck are you a philanthropist when you're fucking feeding plastic apples to babies? That shit used to just be like like that shit from the 70s. It was like a play setter. You have in the middle and it was fake wax fruit. Now they're making you eat it. Eat it you stinking pig. What movie? Over the Edge. One of the greatest lines ever.

That chick running out stole the globe out of the science room and the cops locked in the assembly hall and he's looking out and she runs by and comes back and she squats down with the globe and delivers arguably the greatest line in cinema history. Eat it, you stinking pig pig. And then she fuckin' They had to make, they had to make sure they would hold onto their PG rating. I mean, eat it, you fuckin' pig. You stinkin' pig.

That poor actress, man, they gave her a James Cagney. Yeah. Oh, Edward G. Robinson. Yeah, you stinking pigs. Yeah. All you guys. Yeah. Anyway, plowing ahead here. Yeah, so this is my deal.

If I'm not lifting at the gym, I get on the elliptical, the balliptical, you know, and then I go over and I do the speed bag You know to help with my hand-eye coordination That's I don't know I'm just gonna be I'm just gonna go over there and just keep doing that and see if I can during this play finally get rid of this fucking double cheeseburger that's just fucking hanging on me. I don't know. So anyway I'm gonna do some stand-up tonight. Oh Billy's gonna get out there. I got some new fucking bits. I got some new ideas. I got some shit that I want to

do. I don't have any Advertising so I have to keep babbling. Usually this is right now when I want to just read like an ad You know Actually was dealing with a little bit of depression last night, right? I've been starting to read the paper a little bit more, you know I I've been starting to read the paper a little bit more, you know I Got the the New York Times right because I'm a meathead I'm always getting the post or the daily news and I just flip it over and

I read the the sports section because the front section of the post and And the daily news is just garbage. It's it's so politically slanted It's literally like what if CNN and Fox News had a fucking paper, right? So I'm not reading that shit, right? And I know you got fucking lefty liberal. I get it I get New York Times is lefty liberal, but there's also information there that I wasn't a That is going on in the world that I wasn't aware of shout out to the people of South Korea That stopped that dude from He was gonna try to impose martial law and

he was going to arrest his opponent in the race or something like that and the opponent pleaded to the people to come down there. He almost, and this fucking guy that wanted martial law, he almost did it and all he needed was like a hundred troops and they almost came in and did it. But they were able to stop it and now the dude who tried to have martial law, he got fucking arrested. You know, it was like an episode of Batman way back in the day where you know the Joker, the Riddler, whatever, the Penguin, they would start out and they would have control of Gotham and then by the end of the episode whatever they had hatched ended up backfiring on them.

So that's good to see. It's good to see people saying we don't want this, getting together and stopping something. It's nice to see that that can still happen. Because I've kind of had this epiphany where if you listen to any politicians if you watch any the 24-hour news networks or if you go on Social media it's like these people are all screaming like their heads are on fire But then you walk out of the house and everybody's like chill like hey, man. How's it going? Yeah, it's going pretty good He gets gonna rain today. Hey, I don't know

How's it going? Hey, how's it going? Pretty good. You think it's gonna rain today? Hey, I don't know. So I'm like, you know what? Why don't I walk away from all of this crazy shit? And, you know, cause paying attention to it doesn't seem to be doing anything for me

other than making me fucking feel like I'm crazy. I will tell you what I wanna do is is I talked about this earlier in the years. I want to do a gig over in Tokyo and I want to line it up with they got this. Somewhere later on this year they got like, what would you call it? Like almost like a car show but a motorcycle show of all like those cafe racers. I'm kind of obsessed with hondas and suzuki's Um in yamahas in the 70s. I used to love those fucking bikes. I fucking loved those bikes

um And I remember harley's all the harley's in the 70s. Those guys were just fucking scary um, like dude legit fucking just fucking scary. Like, dude, legit fucking lunatics, road Harleys. When I was growing up, like your dad didn't get a fucking Harley. You know, like outlaws, people with tattoos when it fucking meant something, you know, when you got a tattoo and you couldn't get rid of it. Like, I don't know what I was

thinking, I just want to be a blank slate. I'm starting over. Like you couldn't do that back then. Whatever the fuck you got was there for life. Yeah, those things just like the Harleys just look mean, Mad Max or whatever. But I remember the Suzuki's, the Yamahas, the Hondas, that shit looked fun. And I loved the brake lights on them. I loved the design of them, the seats, the gas tank, the whole thing. And they have, obviously Japan's the one that made them. So they have this whole scene out there. The same way you would go to a car show out here

where they have all the muscle cars and stuff. They have these incredible shows out there where all these kids restore these bikes They have all like the muscle cars and stuff. They have these incredible shows out there where all these kids like restore these bikes and they're literally driving works of art, I feel down the street. So, and also I heard the coffee in Japan is like, I got a buddy of mine lives there now.

He said it's like next level. So kind of up for that. Anyway, I started to watch this crazy movie another car movie see if I can find it I had to take a picture of it because I had never heard of it and what the hell is it here go into photos Let me see here. Oh, God, I hate when that happens. You know, when you somehow you're taking photos in your pocket. And then you have like 18 just like blank photos and then you get all paranoid like that I erase all of my photos. God damn it. I'm not gonna be able to find it. What was the name of that movie?

It was something about these guys, they were like driving, it was about them driving fast cars up Mulholland Drive. Ah, shit. I'm not gonna be able to find it. You know what? I apologize. I'm bringing it up and now I can't find it. I will get you the name of this movie.

I will tell you this. Houston punchline Rory Scoville is there tonight and tomorrow. Or the 20th through the 22nd. So the 20th was yesterday, 21, 22, yeah. So definitely go down there and check that guy out. He's one of the funniest fucking human beings, comedians I've ever met. And he's so smart and so fucking silly

all at the same time. That's like one of my favorite things ever is when a smart person Is acting silly, and he's just okay. Oh, I found it. I found it king of the mountain 1981 and Alright, so it's all about these guys, and they're they're they're up there You know racing cars, but anyways Rory Scoville You got to go see this guy. Okay, I'm letting you guys know cuz I'm getting tired of this shit where

You know, the internet does not reward the funniest person the internet rewards who's the best at the internet? So if you want to know who the best comics are out there start asking you comics that have podcasts. Cause you know, we're in the clubs all night. Not every night, I should say. So we know who the funny guys are. Rory fucking Scoville. And he's an incredible actor too. He did a little part for us in old dads and he was killing me. Um, I just think he's such an incredible talent and he's so **** unique and so silly and super smart. Um you

know and it's an intense time. So you know you wanna go down and just have a good time and just forget about life or whatever or just go have a good laugh. You had a tough week. Go check him out at the punchline in Houston. Rory Scoville. I'm

Bill Burr and I support this message. Alright, that's the podcastr, and I support this message. All right. That's the podcast, everybody. Thank you for listening. Thank you to everybody that's been coming out to the Glenn Gary, Glenn Ross shows. Also, I have a show in England at the I don't know what the fuck it is the Apollo I think Benefit for Parkinson's disease it's sold out I have a special guest that is opening on that show. I will eventually let you know. It's a musical guest. It's gonna be fun You know This has to do with my love for, uh, Glenn Tipton and Judas Priest.

So I know this other musician that is also a fan of the band wants to come and we're going to have some fun before my set or whatever. Little teas are there as they say in the business. All right, that's it. Enjoy the music picked out by Andrew Themelis. And then we have a bonus episode of the Thursday afternoon, just before Friday, Monday morning podcast. All right, that's it. Have a great weekend. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Monday morning podcast for Monday. Fucking March 19th dude, I'm in a great mood.

You fucking took my fucking dick. I don't know why I just sang that song. I just been watching a bunch of fucking old, you know, I listen to old country now and then I started listening to old fucking rock and roll. You know, what's his face just died. The guy used to fucking film chicks that he shit on or something, whatever his name is. Chuck Berry. Uh-huh.

Whoa, yeah. You know, it's part of one of his classics. If you listen to the background, you can hear him shitting on people. I have such respect for him, too. You know, it's just once stuff like that gets out. Once it gets out. Um, anyway, so I've just been uh, I'm in a great fucking mood because my fucking shoulder, I had this uh, rotator cuff injury and it's just been fucking with me since um, October and uh, I finally found an exercise. It works for me. For me, I just feel like for my shoulder,

my shoulder needs a safe place. People on the internet are mean. Woo hoo. Lot of crying out there. All right, so this is the exercise. If your rotator cuff is fucked up like mine is, the problem is, with this injury, it's like you can still pick up the same amount of weight

you can always pick up depending on the angle, but then shaking hands or just reaching for a salt shaker all of a sudden you're like, haaa, this sharp pain. It's basically what I've learned is, it's the muscle, like, it's, when you first go to raise your arm, that first 30 degrees, that's what the fuck it is, and then the big boys take over, whatever you're doing, how you lifting your lunch pail up,

maybe you got a giant fucking donut, you want to shove it to your face like I did today. I broke my rules about donuts. You know, my my wife was wanting some donuts. So I went by there's a Dunkin Donuts out here, right? So I show up and it's late in the day. It's like fucking two in the afternoon. So all the donuts are gone. You know, they're still making them but they they don't have you know, they don't have that freshness to them. They got those you know, the little munchkins. They had like the worst flavors left it was like blueberry custard

and uh fuck your mother whatever the fuck it was called and i was like that's what you got left they were like yeah that's the guy left this is after the people in front of me could not make up their mind you know can we get a dozen donuts and they lay them down now that's how long it's been since i've seen anybody get a donuts? And they lay them down now. That's how long it's been since I've seen anybody get a dozen donuts, they lay them down. Back in the day, they stood them up and the frosting from one donut got on another donut. You know?

And evidently with all the iPhones coming out, somebody finally decided, why don't we make the box a different shape and we'll lay them down. And I imagine the Steve Jobs of Dunkin' Donuts went to some sort of Comic Con of fat people, and he came out in a turtleneck sweater with his fucking New Balance sneakers,

and he fucking showed off the box, and everybody went, oh my God, right? Their fucking mantits bouncing up and down. And you think he gave credit to the poor little fucking eight-year-old in the back room who had to put those things together? Huh? The blind nine-year-old girl who fucking designed the box? Down in fucking East Albuquerque, you think he gave him any credit? Of course he didn't. Of course he didn't. Oh, look who's here, my two angels.

Cutie number one and cutie number two. What's up, buddy? Hey, Nia, this is some bad language, Nia. She can't understand it anyways. What's going on? Do you want to be on the podcast, Nia? Sure. We'll grab a mic. Go, go, go, go.

You shake my nerve and you ride on my brain. Blah, blah, blah, blah. Um, yeah, you gotta grab stuff in the bag. Anyways, so. Whoa, what did you do? What do you mean what did I in the bag. Anyways, so. What did you do? What do you mean what did I do? You got doggy treats.

I know, I know. Oh, my fucking God. Come back in a minute. Come back in a minute. I'm in the middle of this story. Oh, all right. All right. Bye.

Okay. Bye, cutie. You know that fucking guy who was trying to make the donuts? That was just an actor. So anyway, so I call up Nia, okay, and I just go, yeah, they don't have any fucking donuts. Their donuts suck there anyways. And she went, oh my God, she goes, blaspheme. A guy from Boston, which I'm not, I'm from the Boston area.

I'm from the safe suburbs. All right? So you can take your goodwill hunting fucking quotes and tell them talk tell them to somebody else because I grew up in a nice Suburb there was it was cul-de-sac we played street hockey We roasted marshmallows All right There was no it's it's not your fault there was none of that shit nobody liked apples and I sucked at math, okay, that's it I climbed trees and

And I had a paper route okay so enough with the salty shit anybody ever from Massachusetts is not from South Boston we didn't steal cars okay a lot of us are from the suburbs we slept in bunk beds I'm so sick of that fucking movie. Where are you from? You just say, I'm from Massachusetts. Oh, Southie? Did you grow up in Southie? Did you like apples?

Did you say how about them apples down at the Tasty? Like some fucking stuck up Harvard cunt is going to mess with anybody ever from fucking well back to what South Boston used to be. Now there are Harvard grads that live down there from what I've heard. I have no idea. I don't know what goes on in that city. Okay. Last time I lived there, they were just starting the big dig and that big ugly green thing

was still there and going from Faneuil Hall over to the north end, you took your life in your hands. You just felt it. You went underneath the fucking Southeast Expressway and it was scary, you know? Anyways, what the fuck? I mean, so I call her up and I just say, yeah, I got the donuts suck. And she goes, oh my God, she goes,

a Boston guy saying Dunkin' Donuts sucks. That's blasphemy. It's like, Nia, nobody gives a fuck about their donuts. It's all about the coffee. All right, I don't drink the coffee. I don't drink coffee, I don't like it I don't like it tastes like dirty water it burns my tongue it stains your teeth it's just it's a fucking it's the trifecta of you know I guess it helps you take a shit though I know a lot of people like you

know I drink a coffee smoke a cig take a good shit get on with my day you know have a French fucking curler. It's all about the, like, their bread and butter's the coffee. Okay, that's the lead singer. That's, like, if Dunkin' Donuts broke up and the coffee went solo, alright, that's the George Michael. And the donuts are the,

whatever that other guy's name was, Andrew Ridgely. Anyway, so I go, yeah, fuck that place. So, oh yeah, the people in front of me, they couldn't make up their goddamn mind. Like, what do you want? Ah, what's in those? Oh, can we get two of them? Let's get three of those. They kept talking to each other.

We'll get three of the pink ones. And I was already having a bad day because I keep my truck in storage now because we got the little one and it's just easier for my wife to get in and out of the garage. And I knew if I kept my truck there and she always had to squeeze by it

and try and get the fucking stroller and all that shit, you know what's going to happen. Eventually she's going to be like, I don't know, what do we need three cars for? And eventually she's going to make me sell it. So I did a preemptive strike. And I immediately put it in fucking storage before she could bitch about it.

So I had it over the last fucking five days loving. So I just switch out. I put Jackie in storage. And I take out the old girl, right? And I drove her for like five fucking days. And of course the battery died because I forgot to unhook the terminals there. Had to get a jump down at the comedy store. And anyway, so I'm going to return the car today.

And it's the day before I go on the road. So we have a rule in my house. In my house, there is a rule. Basically the day before I go on the road, it's family day. I hang out, I make breakfast, I made some fucking meatballs, I cook the goddamn chicken, I make sure that she's got food in the fridge. I'm a hell of a guy. So I make sure she's going to be all right. So I go I go alright. I got to return my truck. She's like, oh He could be back. I'm like, I'm gonna be back soon Alright, so I get in a truck and I do what I always do I drive down the fuck I gotta move fucking you know, I gotta move her car

I become like a valet because I have the shittiest driveway ever right? So I'm fucking driving up the street And as always big stupid grin on my face. It's my favorite thing ever. It's three on the tree. It's so much fun to drive. And whenever I get a little bit of space out here, I just get to fucking run through all three gears. That's all I want to do.

Every time I do, I get, right? And when the second I get it into third gear, I always have the window down. Even though I put some AC in there, I never fucking use. I didn't use it for so long. I turned it on and all this white shit came out and I breathed it in and probably took like fucking nine years off my life Anytime I get it up into third gear and I'm cruising down the street. I always do the same thing. I always go Every time I

Never did that once in nine years owning my Prius ever It's just, it's the greatest sound in the fucking world. It's the sound of a big fucking American engine making it great, running through the fucking gears, loud pipes, it's the greatest fucking sound ever. And every time I get to, when I go up the street, right? So I'm having a great time. You know, I'm driving down the street.

I got the AM radio on. I usually listen to Keeshawn Johnson's fucking sports show, but you know, it's the weekend, so it wasn't on. And anyways, I get on to, you know, I get on to the fucking highway, and of course, I'm cruising along, and right before we get to I get to my exit it is just like this traffic from fucking it's like five in

the afternoon traffic of a fucking truck jackknife it is just of course my exit and I told the people I'd be over there by noon so I'm starting to feel stressed I'm like what the fuck is going on so I try to make a fucking you know a Boston move here right even though I'm from the suburbs Massachusetts move I'm like, what the fuck is going on? So I try to make a fucking, you know, a Boston move here, right? Even though I'm from the suburbs, Massachusetts move. I'm going to go around all this shit, act like I'm going to drive by, and then I'm going to fucking cut in. And I don't know what the fuck was going on. I couldn't see any, any accidents.

So I'm trying to go from one highway to another. So I got, I know what I'll do. I'll just fucking rather than go east like I want to, I'll just get on the west side. I'll take the highway west, go down one exit, and then I'll curl back around, because I can see on the overpass, there's no fucking traffic.

I don't know whether it was like this offshoot to the on-ramp, right, that everyone was going down. Like, I don't know what the, like, Paul Simon was doing like a free concert or some shit. That was the level of traffic. So I say, fuck it. I get the level of traffic. So I say fuck it. I get out of the traffic, I drive down, get it up to third gear, woo!

Right? I fucking go to go west to turn one fucking block, you know, one exit up and then come back around. And as I fucking go there, all of a sudden, this is all this other traffic going the other direction. And this is the first time since I started Meditating that I had an absolute meltdown. I Literally screamed as loud as I possibly could fuck you LA

Every fucking cock sucking motherfucking can't fucking every word you could possibly think You know and then I'm fucking just stuck in even worse traffic going the other way to go one fucking exit, you know, up to come back around. And all I'm thinking is where the fuck I would be if I just just took the pain to begin with and just stayed in that traffic jam. I'd be creeping forward and whatever. Why didn't I just call the place and say I was going to be a little late? Oh, you know what, Bill, because that would have been the chill thing to do, right? I didn't I just call the place and say I was going to be a little late? Oh, you know what, Bill? Because that would have been the chill thing to do, right?

I didn't. So, it turns out, I look up, I'm like, what the f... This is like, it's Saturday at noon. How is there five o'clock in the afternoon on Friday traffic? I am like literally beside myself, just saying every curse I possibly can. And I look up and there's two little flashers going on and it's tow truck flashers, right? And I'm like, oh, here we go.

This is all rubber-necking. And on the other side of the road, it's fucking going, you know, like gangbusters. Everybody's cruising by. That's where I want to be. It's right fucking there, right? And I can't get to it. So I'm like, you fucking fucking rubber-necking piece of... What's something going to be,

changing a tire? It's going to be a fender bender? And I'm losing my shit now. If I was a fucking dictator, I would deliberately have a car on the side of the road, changing a tire. It would never slow down and looked at it. It would be eliminated. It would be removed from society, fed to the fucking pigs,

whatever the hell is, whatever that fat fucking North Korea does to his goddamn relatives, feeds them to dogs. That's what I would do. I was actually, I was so fucking mad. I was like, you know, that fat fucking North Korea, he's actually making sense to me. You know? So I get all the way up. I should be careful, man.

He might send somebody over here to mist me. Um, like he did to his other, you know, he might send somebody over here to mist me. Like he did to his other, you know, he set up those two fucking whores over there, right, to take out his fucking step brother. So anyways, I get all the way up to the traffic jam, and of course, it's a little fender-benner, there's people standing there, there's nothing going on.

But I'm finally gonna get past it, finally gonna get off the exit, come around, and fucking run through the gears and fucking go down the other side. And what do I see on the other side of the road where it was all nice and clear? Now there's major traffic because the dumb cunts on the other side of the highway are slowing down to look at the shit on my side of the highway. So now I got to sit through it fucking twice. And something told me, don't get off at the first exit, Bill. Everybody has this idea.

Go to the second exit, and you know, and then come back. And guess what I did? I ignored that instinct, got off the first one, bum bum bum bum, bum, fucking dead stop traffic. And the only way to get back on the highway is I got to make this a legal U-turn. And I don't give a fuck, I'm making it. And I'm just sitting there, cock sucking,

motherfucking dictator, fucking cut all their fucking heads off. I got to make this a legal U-turn and I don't give a fuck I'm making it and I'm just sitting there cock-sucking motherfucking dictator fucking cut all their fucking heads off and I'm getting ready to make my illegal U-turn And I just happen to look at my rear-view mirror and guess what's two cars behind me a fucking cop I'm like what are the fucking odds? now I got to go straight said fuck. So I get in the right lane and I just cruise up and I get out of his sight and I finally fucking turn around. I finally got into a good lane and I came back and then I got back under traffic again, looked at the same people, looking at the same accident,

there was nothing going on, and then I fucking finally was able to continue on. And of course I made the call. There was no problem. Nobody gave a shit. Nobody yelled at me. It was fine. I completely lost my shit and I'm in pain. I got so fucking mad that when I saw the people

on the other side of the road rubbernecking, I gave them the finger. And I was all the way to the right, getting off the highway and I gave all of them. I mean, like, do you realize how immature that is? I mean, I was just like, have you ever been embarrassed about yourself, by yourself? Like, I actually hit that level, because like I stuck my whole fucking arm out the window, giving him the finger. The person behind me could see it, be like, who's this guy giving the finger to?

You know, I'm basically saying it wasn't one of my best moments, but anyways, as I mentioned earlier, one of the great things is somebody showed me this exercise for rehabbing the rotator cuff, and it's fucking been great. First of all, what you do is you basically, you bend over at the waist. No, you're not gonna take it up the ass, okay,

before anybody makes that easy joke. You let your arm hang down, and then what you start doing, it's basically your fingers are pointed at the floor. Your arms hanging straight down and you just make small circles, right? Counterclockwise or clockwise. And then you just start to make it bigger and bigger just to just get to the point of pain. And then you live there for a minute.

Then you back it back down to small circles. And then go clockwise if you want counterclockwise. You just go vice versa. You just go the other direction. You do the same thing again Whatever that does it kind of gets some fucking little lube in there. I have no idea. I don't know shit about anatomy, right? And anyways and then What you do is you have your arm

Straight out Not straight out you have it down at an angle you walk up to walk up to a wall. I have to explain this part perfectly. And by the way, you're at your own risk on this one. You have your arm probably at a 15 degree angle. You're standing right next to the wall. Sideways. Is that perpendicular to the wall? I have no fucking idea. Just imagine the wall was your friend and the two of you went to a General admission concert and you got there early. Just imagine what the space would be between the two of you But you'd be both looking at the same shit, right?

That still doesn't make sense. Perpendicules are the fucking thing. All right, then you So you reach out you touch the wall All right Your arms at a 15 degree angle and then you just slowly start walking it up. And obviously, as it gets more straight, you're gonna have to move your body further away from the wall. And you just walk it up with your fingers.

So it's basically, it's the weight of your arm, but your fingers are taking away most of the weight. And walk it all the fucking way up until it's like you know the answer in a classroom, and you're so excited, and you're straight up. And then you walk it all the fucking way up until it's like, you know, the answer in a classroom and you're so excited and you're straight up. And then you walk it back down. You do a set of three to five. And I did it. I've been doing it twice a day and my fucking shoulders amazing. And then I ice it afterwards. Um,

and it feels fucking amazing. I actually sat down, played a little drums today. It was fucking phenomenal. And, uh, I don't know, maybe the, maybe somebody can and played a little drums today. It was fucking phenomenal. And I don't know, maybe that maybe somebody can explain it a little bit better. Maybe there's a YouTube video of it. I don't know. So anyways, that's what I've been doing. And I feel great. And the guy who is basically keeping my dog for the rest of her life So I know she'll be safe was in town and he brought her by and I got to take her on a couple of hikes we hung out and You know, it's sort of like a shared custody thing I mean he has her like 95% of the time, but I know she's safe. She looked great and

It's awesome I don't know I don't know if it's good or bad for me to keep seeing her, because it's always fucking unbelievably sad every time when I give her back. But as long as I know the next time I'm going to see her, then I kind of have hope or whatever. I just keep jokingly say that she went to college. And this is like spring break, you know, she comes back in March or whatever. But you know what's great is I know she's okay.

I know she's going to live out a full life. And you know, whenever that day comes, when she's coming down to the end of it, I'm going to be there because I always, I kind of made a promise, you know, you know, when you get a dog, that's, it's like, you know, that's it. Like how much you love a dog. It's like, dude, I'm there until the end. And you know, even though the way it worked out with having a kid and everything, the main point of the whole thing was that she survived and she had a great life.

She's got this, she's living in a great house now in Arizona and all that type of shit. And it just means I'll play Arizona more. And the person who owns it makes frequent trips out here, always drives out, and I think he'll always bring her because he knows that we love her. And Nia got to see her and everything. She came back over the house, was hanging out, and she met, smelt like us, so she was cool,

but it really was never, oh my god, I just said her fucking name, I just outed her name anyways and she just basically you know it was never about the kid it was about everybody else that was going to be coming by and it was going to be too crazy and the dog was going to get even more protective and you know I went through with the whole trainer it was like the dog's going to go to more protective. And you know, I went through it with the whole trainer. It was like the dog's going to go to a whole nother level. And I just knew something, something was going to happen. The craziness of having a kid.

So we just, we made the right decision. Anyways, alright, where do we go from here? I'm going to edit that out by the way. That's going to annoy you guys. You said the name, you should have let me fucking know. So many weirdos out there. So many weirdos. So anyways, what have I been up to?

I've been watching a little bit of the match madness, as much as I can, you know, having the kiddo around. I watched Duke, you know, win their first round. I don't know. I'm assuming they won the second round, or I would have, I'm assuming that they're in the fucking sweet 16. My internet sucks right now. The internet is such a fucking, I went,

I spent all this fucking money. I was just like, dude, you give me fucking the internet that Jesus would have, and they said, all right, it's going to be nine million bucks. And I said, I'll write that fucking check, you fucking criminal. And they said, fine. And I said, I'll write that fucking check, you fucking criminal. And they said, fine. And I had the best internet for about six months.

And then slowly it just starts sucking again. And what it is is I think they just turn the juice up on your house, whoever's paying the most for it. And then the next guy gets bumped back. And then he's like, hey, what the fuck happened to my good internet? Well, you know, we upgraded, blah, blah. but then he plays whoever pays more than me see I haven't gone back to them in like two years and now like I can't even get I get internet

in like two rooms of my house and the rest of it sucks let's see if I can look this up March madness there we go here we go go. CBS Sports, what's going on? Come on. This is like you're rooting for the slowest horse ever now. Come on. Load. Oh my god, it worked. And it worked. March Madness, 2017. Live tournament scores update, blah blah blah blah blah. Where's the fucking bracket?

Kansas is the team we expected, I love Kansas. I love, I don't know why, I've always loved Kansas, I like Duke, UCLA, it's fucking fun to see them, just because they're such a legendary franchise. Syracuse exchange plans to extend Boeheim. I don't see, I mean, how to watch Duke versus Carolina? What? What?

The number two blue devils will take on number, oh, on the number seven, oh, South Carolina, not North Carolina. When the fuck are they doing that? I gotta watch, all the Duke games get taped, but next year I think I'm gonna add to my sports package, and I wanna watch as many of the Duke games in Kansas. I don't know why.

I've always loved Kansas. And Duke I got into because I got a couple friends that went there and then I went to a game and they treated us great. So like, wait, what? It's over. I got the call in Coach K's show. It's over. Wait a second.

Did they lose? End of the second half. What? The fucking Gamecocks beat them? No. 88, 81? Get the fuck out of here. No fucking way. No fucking way.

No fucking way. Duke score. I just spelled scores. Duke score. No fucking way. They fucking lost. Ah! Jesus Christ. South Carolina scored 65 fucking points in the second half. They scored 23

in the first half. Duke scored 30 and 51. Oh man. I mean, I knew that they didn't have the team this year, but shit, I thought they at least get to the sweet 16. Well, I hope that Jason Tatum guy doesn't be fucking one and done. I hope he comes back. Um, and I liked that Luke Kennard kid, you know, Grayson Allen, he happened to be coming off the bench really well. You'd think, you know, with all that shit, how he wanted to be hated, you'd think he'd be a, you'd think he'd pouted.

You'd think he would pout, but he didn't. He, uh, he was a fucking man about it. All right. Well, congratulations to South Carolina. Jesus Christ, I know a lot of Ducaters out there loved listening to that in real time. Me discovering that they fucking lost. Um, ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Kansas, that's my team, Kansas Jayhawks. I respect all of them, man.

I really don't like, you know, I come from a pro sports town, so I don't really have any sort of hatred for anybody. You know what I mean? I don't even hate the fucking North Carolina. I don't even fucking hate them. I don't hate NC State. I just like, I love how the tradition of all that, you know, I can sit back. I just, I pick the fucking team so I can actually get involved in it, I guess.

So anyways, I'll root for Kansas the rest of the way out. And I also like seeing UCLA do well. And of course, any fucking underdog. I was watching Northwest and it sucked watching them lose. They lost them. They came back against the Gonzaga, who I'm so old. To me, they're still the new kids in town. Even though they've been crushing it for almost fucking two decades at this point. Anyways, let's get back to the podcast. Let's get back to maybe something, Bill, that you sort of know about. How about that? So anyways, I was listening to all this fucking old rock and roll shit, you know? And of course, if you listen to all that shit, you're eventually going to run into Buddy Holly. And of course, if you listen to all that shit, you're eventually going to run into Buddy Holly.

And I was in that Peggy suit. Pe, pe, pe, pe, pe, pe, Peggy suit. Oh, Peggy. My Peggy suit. And I always loved the drums on that. And I never knew what the fuck the guy was doing. I guess he was just playing paradiddles. That guy, Jerry Allison.

I just love the way he plays on that fucking song. He's just playing paradiddles around the kid. He's got the snares off. And I love about wherever the music's going. If it's just playing those basic, what is it, two chords? I don't know shit about guitar. The brighter chord, he's up on the higher note or whatever. He's on the higher tom, and then he goes to the floor tom,

then occasionally comes back to the snare. It's just a fucking beautiful piece of music, you know? And I'm learning this shit right now with my drum teacher about how to finally get my paradiddles and shit and playing singles and doubles, going in and out, getting them up to speed while being totally relaxed and letting the stick do the work.

And it's the hardest motherfucking thing in the world because you already can play it up to a certain speed, just your own fucked up technique way to just say fuck all of that and drop like 100 BPMs, you know? And start all over again is a bitch, but if you stick with it, it gets, I'm not going to lie to you, it gets pretty fucking exciting where all of a sudden it's just like, wow, I don't even feel like I'm exerting any effort whatsoever and I'm like three quarters up to what used to be my full speed. I don't know, it's exciting shit. So by the way, now

that I got the kiddo, my lovely daughter, who every time I think I can't, I'm not going to, you don't think the loves can go any further, they develop more and more of their personality comes out. You're like, oh my God, she does that. And it just goes to a whole other level. Now she's smiling like you can't believe. And the other day I was sitting there, I was with her and diapers clean, she's got a full belly, I'm holding her, I'm doing all this shit that usually stops her from crying and she's just

being cranky and crying. I was just like, what the fuck could this possibly be? And that's my favorite part about being a parent right now, is trying to figure out the riddle, like what's going on with her. And you know what I figured out for all you guys with newborns, you know, that are starting to develop out there? You know what I figured out? I was like, she's fucking bored. I'm doing the same shit, and this shit was interesting for about a week to 10 days, and

now she's over it because she's hit a new level of consciousness. She can see a little bit better, whatever, hear a little bit better. She's starting to understand all those are my feet. She needs something else. We do like this tummy time thing, trying to get her to pick up her head and learn how to crawl and stuff. I brought her over to the little pad thing and it's this little thing that's got like these little rattles and shit

hanging down from it. I just turned her over onto her back, and I had a look at those things, and she just looked up and was completely enamored with them. And like that's the new thing. Now I put her on her back, and when she looks at them, she smiles at them like they're her friends.

And this is the greatest thing ever, because up until now, I've had to carry around like a kettlebell everywhere I went, and was, you know, messing with my shoulder and shit. But you know, you love your kids, see? Like, fuck the shoulder. The shoulder comes a distant, you know, 20th in this race, you know,

the first 19 spots of my daughter, right? So, now what's great is I can just bring that tummy time thing into where I'm watching sports I put her on her back she's looking at the fucking her friends hanging and I can sit on the couch and keep that thing moving with my bass drum foot right as I'm watching as I'm watching the games it's like the greatest thing ever I watched like a whole first half of Northwestern Gonzaga. I just sitting there doing that movement. It's the greatest thing ever.

So if you've got a kid that's crying out there and the diaper's clean and they're full and all that, maybe they're just bored. Try something new, some new stimulus. Oh, I was so psyched. It's such a luxury to not have to be holding her every five seconds. You know what I mean? some new stimulus. Oh, I was so psyched. It's such a luxury to not have to be holding her every five seconds, you know what I mean? Because they're like these little fucking kettlebells and they're hot as hell. They're like this hot water bottle.

You know, they're getting all hot, you're getting all, it's just awful. It's like you're stuck in a crowded elevator. Yeah, I feel like I'm going through menopause. It's like the fucking hot flashes here. Hot flashes. Anyways, so let's do a little bit of, let me read some of the advertising here everybody. The advertising, what am I doing? Did I just open the maps?

Why would I do that? All right. That's the end of you guys listening to me read out loud. Well at least advertising Was there anything else I wanted to talk about before I fucking got into the goddamn? Oh, yeah, you know something I'm gonna be in San Jose if anybody knows a good Rehearsal space out there that has some good sounding drums and I can maybe go over there for a day or something like that because I don't get to you know I'm always on the practice pads here and I miss playing drums and I'm learning all this cool shit and you know the deal man I'd love to get those fucking V drums it'd be nice if they hooked me up with the free one and I could talk to my

listeners about how awesome they were wink wink nudge nudge give me the fucking drums but you know playing on a real kit that's the real deal you know I love wink wink, nudge nudge, gimme the fucking drums. But you know, playing on a real kit, that's the real deal. You know, I love those electronic kits, but at the end of the day, they make you sound fucking amazing. You're like, am I the next John Bonham? I think I am, and then you get behind a real kit, you're like, oh wait a minute, I suck. All right, donut shop while in San Jose.

Hey Bill, I know you've been in San Jose. I know you'll be here coming up and I think I know of a spot that's totally your style. It's called Stan's Donuts. I know you're cutting the carbs and shit, but goddamn is it worth the extra elliptical time. Just an old school donut shop that's been around for decades and hasn't changed a bit. None of that crazy soy-based gluten-free pomegranate fritter with cruelty free bacon bullshit. Just the classics. Chocolate maybe an old-fashioned or jelly filled. You fucking asshole I'm trying to lose weight. Don't tell me about this place. But holy shit the only one you need from stands is is the plain glazed donut.

I'm gonna be there with Dean Del Rey. Oh, he's off sugar, so he won't do it. They will give you a glazed donut so fresh it might burn your mouth if you aren't careful. And you can see them pulling them out of their fryer. Just behind the counter, can't beat it, dude. My mom used to take me here before school when I was really little and I came back for the first time in like 15 years the other day

and it's even better than I remembered. Well you got a little child sense memory going on there. Oh my God dude, why are you doing this to me? Immediately thought of you and that you'd like the old school feel of the place. It's like five minutes from the San Jose improv, make it happen, Do it for Stan. Oh, God.

Well, I can tell you that's definitely happening. Well, you know what? I'm going to do a tour of San Jose, one of my city tours. We're definitely, I'm going to fucking go there. I'm going to end there eating a fucking donut. Well, maybe I'll start there, just hating myself. Alright, Redskins. I'm going to end there eating a fucking donut. Well, maybe I'll start there just hating myself. All right, Redskins. Redskins, I'm sitting here listening to your podcast

from the past Monday, and I'm thinking about the Redskins. Keep the name, change the mascot. Change the mascot to a potato. That's fucking hilarious, but that's not intimidating. You know what I mean? The Redskins, of course their nickname would be the Hashbrowns. But you know what? You know, Hashbrowns are delicious.

That's fucking hilarious. You know something? That's actually fucking brilliant. So you still call them the Redskins. You change the mascot to a fucking potato. You know something, that's one of the most brilliant fucking ideas I think that's ever been fucking sent in. God knows I've never said anything better than that.

That's fucking brilliant. Change it to a fucking potato. But then what do you have on the side of your helmet? Then you know what you do, you just go back to the old logo with the R on the side. And the feather hanging off is the red skin, like you peel the potato. You know that thing when people like, they peel and they go all the way around in a circle?

It could be like that. Great idea. That right there, that's a funny motherfucker. I hope you're very successful in life. Thank you for the... That's fucking, I didn't ever think of that. I'm slipping as a comedian. All right, the Great Barrier Reef.

By the way, did you hear Netflix is going to switch from the stars, from five stars to thumbs up, thumbs down? I don't know, Why would you do that? You know, cause I give, you know, if it's just thumbs up, thumbs down, it's just such a wide peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Thumbs up gourmet meal on the French Riviera watching the fucking from a yacht, watching the fucking the end of a

Formula One race in Monaco. Thumbs up. The Godfather thumbs up meatballs, thumbs up. You know what I mean? Drinking orange juice after brushing your teeth, thumbs down. Adolf Hitler, thumbs down. Adolf Hitler, thumbs down. I guess because they get the fucking ratings, it doesn't matter, but I mean, I like it,

I like it lets me know. You know? Like okay, people like this, how much do they like this? I don't know, three stew, just thumbs up. Schindler's List, thumbs up. I mean it's just, does anything mean anything after that? All right, Great Barrier Reef. Hey, Billy Boy, huge fan of the show.

Thank you. Remember you were talking about the Great Barrier Reef a couple of weeks or months ago? Not really sure anymore. Too much weed, man. Anyway, I saw this on the front page of the New York Times and thought you would enjoy shitting on Australia some more. I don't like shitting on Australia. I was just shitting on that guy. It basically says that huge sections of the Great Barrier Reef that stretch across hundreds of miles were recently found dead and they were killed by overheated salt water. I know this is coming from a liberal paper, but I think it's pretty

clear evidence there is significant global warming. Anyway, you fat Ebola-ridden piece of shit. Love the podcast and keep on keeping on. Yeah, I got to be honest with you. I don't read up on a lot of the environmental stuff because it's too fucking depressing. I love animals, man. I love the earth, man. I don't want to see fucking see life dying and all that shit. I don't know. I don't know what this is.

Just too many of us with it's just like, I think a plague is coming or I actually think that the robots will be in control of the upper one percenters and they will gradually take all of us out. And then what it will be will each one of those Illuminati guys will have their own robot with all the answers. I mean, it's a fucking, it can play guitar like Jimi Hendrix. It can design the most beautiful architecture. It's the greatest farmer. It's just whatever you need it to fucking do, it can do.

So you'll never go hungry. You'll always be entertained. And on top of that, it'll be the best looking chick you've ever seen in life and you can fuck its brains out. I mean, right there, if that's not going to be the best looking chick you've ever seen in life and you can fuck its brains out. I mean, right there, if that's not going to be the extinction of all the regular people like myself, I think that that's what's going to happen. And then the earth will gradually cool. With all of our deaths, the Great Barrier Reef will come back and the upper 1% will have what they always wanted,

complete control. But I actually think they'll get bored after a while. There's nobody to oppress, there's nobody to look down on. That's actually a fascinating fucking movie, wouldn't it be? Like there's just no more challenge. Right? And those robots know how to like, you know, they can like grow an ear in a petri dish, eventually they'll be able to grow all vitals. You know what I mean? And then you can just live forever.

What would you do? What would you do? There's a reason why you die. You just run out of shit. What the fuck would you do? What would you do? There's a reason why you die. You just run out of shit. What the fuck would you do? I would just keep learning shit. It's like alright for the next 80 like every 80 years you just picked B in something. Alright this 80 years I'm gonna be a gear head. I'm gonna learn how to take a whole fucking car apart, put it back together, make it fast, fast and loud. I'll just learn how to do that shit. I'll have the robot right here, it knows everything.

It'll fucking teach me how to do it, and then once I get it down, you know, and I do that for a while, you know? Fucking learn every instrument, learn every language. You're eventually just going to run out of shit to do. And you just be looking at your robot just going like, dude, I know this is fucking nuts. I know we've been together now, sweetheart, for fucking 800 years,

but could you do me a favor? Do you want me to kick you in the balls? No, sweetheart, I don't. It'd be funny if they, even though it totally looked real, and totally felt like a real person, but they could never perfect the voice, so it'd still fucking talk like that. You are the best I've ever had. Just like, bitch, stop talking.

You're killing it for me. You'd have to just say to the fucking thing, look, 800 years, okay? I'm coming up on 800 years. All right? I've lived more years than Hank Aaron hit home runs. Could you do me a favor? On my 800th birthday, I know what I want.

Okay? Could you just choke me to death, please? Don't compute, you know, and they won't kill you. And then your fucking, your punishment is that you live forever. You know, you're kind of like a vampire at that point, because you can kind of seduce any woman you want, because they're all going to be, you know, you're just going to get, you know what I bet after a while, if you live long enough, you just start banging, you'd have, you'd make like ugly chick robots and you just bang them because

you were so sick of bang and tense. I mean, it's a fucking, it's a hell of a goddamn, it's, I don't think human beings can survive on that. You just think of all the shit that's going to happen. All right, female comedians. What the fuck is this? I didn't know this was coming up. All right, hey baby daddy Billy boy, emailing from Dublin. Big fan of the podcast, The Stand Up. I've been watching a lot of stand-up specials over the last month

Recently I'm making a concentrated effort to watch female comedians because all the comedians I'm a fan of are men Unfortunately, I've struggled to find many who meet the mark. I just watched so-and-so's Netflix special which was hilarious Okay, then I'm gonna say the name Kathleen Madigan, yeah, she's the fucking real deal. And she's a total hot shit, I love her. She's been fucking crushing it since I started. English comedian Joe Brand was also excellent, although I don't know if she's still active. Beyond all the others I've seen,

she's still active. Beyond all the others I've seen, all the others have been shit in my opinion. My issue with this disparity is that I don't think men are funnier than women in general. The women in my life, like my girlfriend, my sister and friends, are just as funny as my guy friends. In your experience, would you find male comedians funnier like myself? If so, why do you believe this is the case? Could it be the fact that the industry is so male heavy? Are women comedians trying too hard to emulate their male counterparts? These are all questions I can't answer. I don't fuck it. I don't know what the deal is.

And it's all your opinion. Maybe I'm just an ignorant prick, but I feel like there's a female perspective in comedy that would speak to me that isn't met by the better known female comedians. Either way, thanks for the laughs. Congrats to you and the lovely Nia on the little baby bird. Go fuck yourself. I don't know, dude. It's like, you know, you know what it is? I just think it's like bands. You're into a certain style of music and the other shit doesn't speak to you, so you don't You don't go to that, but every once in a while. There's a band. You know oh fuck

I didn't think I like country music. I like this country music. I just think I Don't know what the deal is I Don't know why there's so much of that fucking talk my shit is this okay? If you're fucking funny, you're funny. If you're not funny, you're not funny. Okay, and it's not the crowd's fault, it's not this, it's not the fucking Martians, it's you're not funny. And one of the things I found with people,

male and female, who aren't funny, is they fucking got every goddamn excuse in the book. And I just want to say, Hey, just go on stage and fucking kill. And all your problems will be solved. Go on stage and fucking kill. That's what it was. You know, that's what it's always been. If you do that, all of these fucking issues that everybody, oh,

there's this over here, there's that over here, there's a fucking liberal bias, there's all of this, it's all fucking bullshit. If you go on stage and you fucking kill, you're going to get work. That's it. That's it. So I don't know. Whatever. I'm so fucking sick of all of that, you know, are women funny, blah, blah, blah, to just lump

everybody into a group. I, is more, just ask me, do you think Kathleen Madigan's funny? Just ask me that in that email. I think she's fucking hilarious. I love her delivery. And you know what I love about her? She can just stand there and be funny. I got to jump around, scream and yell, act shit out.

She can just stand there and fucking murder for an hour. And you know what's great too is you meet her and she's totally down to earth and she's fucking awesome. So there you go. That's the positive way of me getting out of that type of shit, because I'm not walking into that, like why the fuck do you think I would answer any of that shit?

You know what I mean? Look, what business are you in, okay? Why don't you shit on some people in your fucking... Your fucking arena. I don't want to do that. It's cannibalistic. Oh my god, I mean there's so many fun... Do I gotta like name funny female comics for you? Is that what I gotta fucking do now? I gotta do your fucking homework?

Alright, feeling in love with my lesbian best friend. Hey Billy Dadbot, ugh Jesus, you're so fuckin' right. I'm a huge fan of all your shit. Why are you calling it shit? I'm an artist! I loved your new special. I need some advice. I'm a young guy and I haven't even tried to get into a relationship in a few years because my last one turned into a fucking nightmare. Anyways, over the past year, I've been hanging out with this lesbian and we've grown close. Oh, Jesus, dude. This is gonna, this is the ultimate.

This is the ultimate just cold case file, dude. You're chasing leads that aren't even there. She's amazing and my best friend. The problem is I find myself growing more and more attracted to her by the day. We've talked about having a threesome. Woo! Which makes me think she might want to fuck me

but doesn't want to admit it to herself. Oh, strike everything that I just said. Dude, you have fucking walked into paradise. I am happy for you, my friend. God bless you. God fucking bless you. I hope this fucking turns out the way I think it's going to. I'm so, you just made the rest of my day that someone's in this situation right now. Lately, she's been trying to get me a girlfriend probably so this sexual tension can be redirected. What the fuck do I do Bill? Please help me and

go fuck yourself. What do I do? Dude I've never been in this situation. I'm living vicariously through you. What do you do? Don't fuck it up! Dude okay wait a minute who's been in this situation and don't fucking lie to me. Send in what this guy can do so he doesn't fuck this up. Oh, dude. God fucking bless you. What do you do? Oh, Jesus. Okay, what the fuck would I do? I don't know, man. You know what I would do? I would go out drinking with her, right? And I would fucking, alright, pick somebody out. Who do you like? You go up, you strike a conversation,

you know what I mean? Maybe she strikes up the conversation, so the other lady keeps her defensive shield down. Okay, this is what you do, dude. You get into great fucking shape, okay? You gotta help out your lesbian girlfriend, okay? You get yourself a new fucking wardrobe. You gotta look right when you're going out.

You put on a pair of fucking me undies, okay? You eat Blue Apron for a goddamn month. You shed some fucking pounds. You put on some me undies. You dress fucking right, okay? Give your lesbian friends something to work with. Are there any lesbians listening to this fucking podcast? How does this go down?

Hey, Nia. Fuck. Maybe she knows. Hang on a sec. Let me hit pause. You know what I realized? You know, I realized she's going to come in here, hold on my daughter and we can't talk about this shit when she's here. All right. well I'm gonna have to put this, this one I can't do. Okay, and I always say, oh is the fucking podcast she's never gonna be on again? No! My daughter's developing, eventually she'll be playing with toys, she can sneak in here and she can answer some goddamn questions, all right? There you go. Or, I don't know how to do it. Anyways dude, just, I don't know what to tell you dude.

I'm so fucking excited I can't even think straight do it anyways to just I don't know what tell you dude. I'm so fucking excited I can't even think straight right now. God bless you. I hope this fucking works out man, and I I want I want to hear the fucking story Okay, lady. She's been trying to get me a girlfriend probably so this sexual tension can be redirected Yeah, you know so basically every once in a while She doesn't mind banging a guy as long as there's you know what you know, so basically every once in a while she doesn't mind banging a guy as long as there's, you know, you know what it's like? It's like you're going out to a restaurant, right? She's going to order one thing, you're going to order the other thing, but she's going to take a couple of fucking, you

know, a couple of spoonfuls off of your plate. That's what's going to happen here. Oh my God, this is fucking tremendous. Fucking tremendous. God bless you, dude. I have no advice. I've never been in that situation. It's tremendous. All right? Good luck to you. All right, everybody, go fuck yourselves. I'll talk to you on Thursday, and I'll check in on you on Thursday.

And thank you to everybody. My shows are sold out in San Jose. I'm doing two Monday, two Tuesday, two Wednesday. I'm working with the great Dean Del Rey. We're going to fucking kill it when we're up there. And also, I need to hype this show I have coming up. I'm doing a fucking, we'll send the link out on March, where the fuck am I? I'm doing this MS benefit and they're honoring Richard Pryor. And it's on March 25th, 7pm out here in Los Angeles. I'll put up the link for tickets and all that.

I believe we just tweeted it out. I'm going to be co-hosting with Craig Gass. There's going to be all these amazing musicians there. It's going to be a great night for a great cause. I hope you guys can make it down. That's a Saturday night. Come on, come on down. There's a fucking taco truck down there.

It's going to be a great time. All right, that's it. Go fuck yourselves. I'll check in on you on Thursday. I'm gonna be a man, I'm gonna be a good boy Thanks for watching!