Monday Morning Podcast - Theme Park Bill, Homeowner Bill, Sea Tales | Monday Morning Podcast 9-7-26

Episode Date: September 7, 2026

Bill rambles about theme park Bill, homeowner Bill, and sea tales.Quo: Try QUO for free PLUS get 20% off your first 6 months when you go to http:/.www.Quo.com/BURRSimpliSafe: Celebrate their anniversary with us and save 60% on your new SimpliSafe system at http://www.SimpliSafe.com/BURRMint Mobile: To get your new wireless plan for just 15 bucks a month, go to http://www.MintMobile.com/BURRSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Monday morning podcast for Monday. What is it? September 7th, 2020, 6, 6, 6. 6. What's going on? How are you? Speaking of that, 6, 6, 6, 6, the number of the beast. A friend of mine went to go see Iron Maiden, which is always an awesome concert. but I always thought it was funny Bruce Dickinson's lyrics wondering, could this be real or just some crazy dream? He used that reference twice on the same album.

There was, I think, in Hallowed Be Thy Name, I can't remember, I've spent so fucking long, and I think it was in the number of the beast. Woe to you, oh, earth and sea, can I still do it? for the devil sends the beast with wrath because he knows the time is short let him who art understanding reckon the number of the beast for it is a human number

its number is 666 I left alone I listened to that fucking song instead of doing my homework for about four years in high school and ever since then I've been reminded of that every time I would go to do a college gig

and I'd go into a campus and the fucking band's playing ban-a-da-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-da-a-a-a-ba-ba-ba-ba- some big sports program and I just sit there with my bottom lip quivering in my 30s going, I should have studied in high school. Why did I listen to the number of the beast instead of... I should have tried.

I should have applied myself. The problem is, is your parents they take you to college and all they talk about is the academics so you can't see the school, you can't see the sports program, you can't see all the pretty girls, all you're thinking is just more homework?

I don't want to fucking do this. I want to get out of you. 90% of my public education was either me looking out the window outside or looking over at someone who was going to make me, laugh or I was trying to make them laugh. You know, it was a free education

and it was a good education when I was a kid. You know, before these fucking greedy cunts at the top convinced politicians on both sides of the aisle, you know, to dumb everybody down. It's fucking brilliant. That's my belief is that, uh, what song is that? That's my belief. Fingers Freddy.

Diamonds in City. All of those lyrics are just, in my head. I used to take multiple choice tests. And when I get towards the end, when we were running out of time, Bond Scott's voice was in my head. Take a chance, why you still got the choice. And I would just be doing like that kid in that summer school movie, C, C, C, C, just keep guessing, you know? You always guess C. If you didn't know, it was fucking C. I think I got an 8, 10 combined on my SATs. No. they gave you like two three hundred i forget what it was it was really bad

it was really fucking bad and i took an sAT prep course i was now i was i was a fucking scatterbrained lunatic that's what i was by the time i the just by the time i got to high school my brain was fucking scrambled eggs and all i gave a fuck about was drinking beers fucking making my friends laugh and not having the courage to talk to the girl that I liked. That's all like, that was my life. There she is.

Anyway, so I had a great morning. It's fucking raining cats and dogs out here in L.A. I don't know if, if you ever heard the song. They say, it never rains in Southern California. It pours. Man, it pours. I always love the man.

Man, it pours. Like, oh, you know. fucking understand it pours. What are you talking? You ever been to Florida? I don't know with global warming, what the fuck's happened in their weather, but when I was a kid, we went down to Disneyland, and I remember every fuck, we were there for like, I don't know, a weekend or something, every fucking day at 5 o'clock

in the afternoon, it rained like Jesus was coming back, you know? Everything but frogs came down from the fucking sky. Isn't that one of those biblical stories when the frogs start falling from the fucking sky, you know, some illiterate idiot on a farm believed it. So then he felt justified in beating his wife. However religion works, I've never understood it. It was just raining cats and dogs.

No frogs. No Jesus. He's not returning, right? And I remember, Sorry, he had to hit pause. I know it's weird. That was very jarring. You guys didn't realize they hit pause. I was talking about, Jesus, not coming back and fucking frogs falling down.

Anyway, we were there every day at 5 o'clock. It would just absolutely fucking torrential downpour. And I remember a little Billy being like, we can't, we can't go to Disneyland or Disney World. And like, it would fucking pour for like 20 fucking minutes. And within 15 minutes, it all dried up because it was so hot and humid, like it never even happened. So whoever wrote that song,

It never rains in Southern California. Whoever wrote that song, it never been to Florida. Which is understandable back then because, you know, people didn't fly. Regular people. Like when I was growing up, I think me and my parents, we fucking got on a plane maybe six times. There was none of this, like, I'm telling you,

the shit that we've been sold and the shit that we've just sort of bought into you know you go buy a house you have to redo the whole fucking thing so it's exactly what you nobody did that i remember one one of that fucking places we moved into we moved around a lot when i was a kid and one of the places we moved into i swear i think i told you this shit before in the master bedroom i don't know what hippie-dippy person lived there they had a lime green shag rug with daisies on the wallpaper like grass and I'm outside and the flowers man and it was hideous and my parents were like oh we're going to change this we're we're going to change this out we're we're going to get what we're going to get is is is don't you see what we're going to do here is

is I'm going to have a nice you know whatever the fuck they wanted and guess what they never did it and after a while you just became like nose blind in a vision way. Like, you didn't even see it anymore. It was hit, because it wasn't even like a shag rug. Like, it used to be a shag rug. And at that point, all the shag had kind of laid down, you know, with the, you'd walk into the master,

and it was a hard left to the, to the bathroom. There was like this semicircle that was worn out. And then around the bed was worn out. And then further to the left, I still remember was like the closet, all worn out, like a trail. like cattle had been walking through there. I don't know.

I don't know. To me, that says old rug or a very forgetful, overweight person. Oh, that's right. I got to get that in the closet. They just keep walking back and forth. Trampled underfoot, as Led Zeppelin would say. Anyway, so it's raining today.

And, you know, I usually, in the fall, as I clean out the gutters, getting ready for when it normally rains out here. But I think all the weather is all fucked up. Because they do this, they tell you, you got to redo everything, you got to get a car every two years, it's okay if your car spies on you.

My fucking wife's car, man. Oh, hey, let me tell you, my wife's car, you know? Yesterday, I get out of the fucking thing. No, two days ago. Two days ago. Yeah, I took the kids to university. city walk. You know, they skip school on Friday,

you know, because I don't want to stand in like fucking super long lines. And we go over there, they got the new Fast and Furious ride, which I have to tell you was the shit. I'm not a roller coaster person. I'm becoming one because my daughter loves going on them.

So, anyway, and I'm also like a theme park dad. I actually, once you get past all the big brother shit, them scanning your eyeball and fucking finding out. everybody's middle name and there's social security numbers so they can just sell it to whoever the fuck wants. They wants it on the internet. Once you get past that and you actually get into the park,

I love the whole experience. I like watching other families and watching other, you know, moms and dads, you know, dealing with herding their kids around a park. Kids are having a blast. Parents are getting worn out, you know? and the lines, you know, whatever. The lines, that's part of the experience, you know. I think you get to shoot the shit,

talk about the ride you just went on or whatever. But anyway, this time we did have somebody bringing us around because we had like a large group of people. So, I don't know. It's six to one half dozen other than, you know, skipping the line is cool. But if you kind of blow through the park, It's just everything. The whole experience was on like fast forward.

So, you know, I don't know. It's one way or the other, you know? But I also went there when that fucking Super Mario ride first opened up, did a whole podcast. Dude, we were standing in line for four fucking hours. And to get on the ride, that was maybe 90 seconds long. And that was one of the ones where I was just like, you know, I don't think this theme park shit is for me.

I mean, honestly, I don't think it's for anybody. But anyway, so we went back there, like Friday. We were there like the whole day. We went on all the rides. And, oh, Jesus, Billy Drythroat here. I have to say, just like in life, like I like real shit. Like, if I'm going on a ride,

I want it to be an actual ride. Those fucking, air quote rides where you walk into a building and then they just strap you into, a seat and then they just have this iMac screen two inch in front of your face and then some fucking they just start shaking the chair like you you walk out of it's like that was not a ride that was a simulation of a ride and my spine feels like i got into a car accident so you know they go like you know some of the people get like you know what do they call that that sickness uh when you're

moving or whatever uh whatever the fuck whatever the hell they call it if you some people get this kind of sickness. For me, it wasn't that. It was just like, I feel like I just got teaboned by a Honda Civic. Like, that was not enjoyable. So, I did, motion sickness. I did, I'm done with those fucking rides. My kids like him, I'm not doing them. Like, I went on the Simpson ride, right? And rather than looking at the screen, because I just, I had a bad breakfast burrito, you know, was my one cheat meal of the week, and it wasn't even good. I'll tell you right now, don't put avocado in a breakfast burrito. Like, avocado should not be touching warm eggs.

Exactly. Didn't you just sort of fucking puke a little bit thinking about that? It was nasty. And then I got on one of those motion sickness rides and I was just like, I don't know if I can go on that fast and furious. I might fucking yak-ovie. But I didn't. Whatever.

So we ended up going. We had a great time. Jurassic Park ride was awesome. But I always get a little sad when I go over there because the Universal Ampe Theater isn't there anymore and that's the, where the Blues Brothers when they were opening for Steve Martin. And it's one of my favorite live drummer performances.

Like Steve Jordan, I think, is 21 or 22 years old on that. And if you listen to what that guy is playing at that age and then also know that he was an MLB prospect, I want to say he was in the Cubs farm system or whatever you know and then he switched to drums and I think that was the first night

I read all of this in a modern drummer years ago I believe that was the first night he meets Keith Richards Keith Richards says he likes his drumming Mick and Keith have yet another falling out in the 80s Keith does the expensive winos tour Steve Jordan is his drummer

and then they do that hail hail rock and roll thing with Chuck Barry that famous one I believe at the Fox Theater in St. Louis which by the way if you ever get to perform there or go backstage upstairs

in the main green room Stevie Ray Vaughn big as life you know and his signature was just as cool as his guitar playing is on the door it's amazing but anyway so I get a little sad because I was always thrilled

when I did that Kevin and Bean show there they didn't call it the Universal Ampheater that point but it was that was that place so i always got like uh you know i think one time when i did a set there in the middle of laughing i just yelled out steve jordan on drums um whatever i'm a nerd so we did that everything's great so i get home in my hwaffe's car i take everything out it's one of these fucking ipad cars with like a bmw logo on it but it's a piece of shit the thing, it's just a fucking piece of shit. And I'd already shut the car off.

The hatchback is open. I go to close it. I close it a third of the way. It pushes back against me and opens back up. Like, it's making decisions. It's overriding me, the human being, who actually is smart. Why? Smart phone, smart car, smart refrigerator.

They don't call human being smart anymore. They want these things to do the thinking for you so you'll be so stupid that you don't realize that your robot replacement is coming. That's what's going on. That's why they ask all these extra questions everywhere you go. Is this your first time here? How did you hear about us? They want the backstory. So when your robot shows up, it has all the fucking answers and nobody knows the difference.

Start giving misinformation. So when your robot replacement shows up, at least people will know. The survivors will know it's not you. Sorry. Anyway. So then I grabbed the fucking hatchback and I got to muscle this thing down. It finally gave up.

It was like an arm wrestle. It gave up three quarters of the way. Finally submitted. And it's been a while since I had a meltdown. You know, got my temper in check. But like that shit, I was just like, it's fucking infuriating. I'm trying to convince my wife to be like me

and drive like a fucking 20-something-year-old car. You know? When you back up, you look over your shoulder. You use your mirrors. You use your fucking brain. They make it seem like when human beings drove cars, we were just like, just smashing into each other like kamikazis.

We weren't. We weren't. And people were way better drivers, and they tell you, don't drive distracted. Don't drive distracted. The whole dashboard is a fucking screen. Beep in. Beeping and a bopping,

telling me what the fuck to watch out for. It's like, if you would, would you shut the fuck up? I'm in the car with my daughter and we're shooting the shit. And all of a sudden, this voice out of nowhere goes, I'm sorry, can you ask me that again? And I said, hey, mind your own business. And the thing goes, I'm sorry. I'm unable to do that right now.

And I know you can go into settings and air quote, shut that off. I love when people think they're shutting it off. You're not shutting it off. It's just not talking you anymore. give me your warnings that it's fucking happening. Anyway, what are you going to do? So it's fucking raining out here.

I know I'm all over the map. So I didn't get a chance to clean out the gutters. So, you know, I like all that dad shit. Getting up on the ladder, cleaning out the gutters, having a fall, you know, laying on the fucking Davenport afterwards as your wife brings you a Rob Roy, you know, and you somehow blame her

that you fell off the ladder. You know, old school shit. So anyway, my main trash can, the one that the truck, trash goes in as opposed to the bullshit ones, the green, the clippings and the recycling that all goes into the same trash bin after the truck leaves and they just throw it in the ocean. But it makes you feel good that you're recycling. Some motherfucker, like the black trash can, that's the trash one. And that's the one that people with dogs when they walk by throw their poop bags in. So I always like,

you know, I'm on it. When that trash, that one that picks up the black one comes by, and dumps it in, I fucking bring that in because if you don't, you got a bag of fucking poop baking in your fucking trash can for a week. Okay, bad enough, that's happening. But if some dog, you know, somehow got into the chocolate in the fucking pantry and has a goddamn, what we used to call an apocalyptic.

That's what we used to call like one of those shit diapers. You know, the one that takes you and your wife to change. And then the baby is immediately, in the shower. Sometimes dog shit like that and the people just pick it up like a fucking moon pie and they just throw, oh, it's gonna make me gag. So somebody did that like three weeks ago.

All right, I didn't fucking clean it out. I just went like, and I closed it. You know, and the last two weeks, this smell has just been getting worse and worse. And this week, I opened the lid and there was like 40 shit flies in there. So I was just like, I gotta take care of this. So today it was raining out.

I was like perfect. And I just fucking sprayed the whole fucking bottom in the sides with like, you know, dishwashing liquid. And then turned on the hose full blast and got it all out of there and hosed down the outside and all that. Sorry, just a fucking thought of that smell.

and then it's like spotless now. That's the type of shit. I love all that dad shit. Going to a theme park, caralling the kids, fucking buying them all of that dumb shit food there, having a meltdown with the hatchback, cleaning out the gutters

and getting the dog shit out of your fucking garbage can. I don't know what it is. I actually enjoy all of that shit. Keeping the yard clean. You know, I don't know what that's like some caveman shit. Whatever is like outside, if it's fucked up, I like fixing it. Even if it's just simple shit. Like we got like a skylight above our bathroom because it doesn't get any light.

And just the way that they put it in, the fact that it's not two-sided, the only way to clean the outside of is you have to like risk your life and go up on the roof. and I thoroughly enjoy it. Go up there with the paper towels. You know, there's the initial. Like, wow, is this really what's in L.A.'s air? I mean, it is like black. Even though it's see-through, but when you wipe it down,

when you put it and turn over the white paper towel, it's fucking black. I do it three. I do it the next time and then the final time. And then it's fucking amazing for like a month. And then it starts getting dirty. again. Then I look at it for like three months. Then eventually I get back up there. And you used to give me shit. Please don't go up in the roof. Please don't go up in the roof.

And now she's just like, can you go up there and take care of that? Because it's depressing. You know, I walk, you know, oh, Billy Pilot's license. I mean, that's my first little pie rep I do. You know, I come out there, pie rep? Yeah, pilot reporting. I look up to see what it looks like. I'm thinking about flying to see if the Marine Leia has burned off yet. Anyway, Billy Babbles. Let's talk a little college football here, everybody. Oh, no, I got a bunch of shit to talk about. We'll talk college football first.

I missed the game, but I saw the highlights at the end. Michigan versus Western Michigan. Western Michigan definitely got fucking jobbed on that replay. But, you know, you can't let that happen. It's just like, that's like a fucking half-court shot. You give somebody two opportunities on it. you know, he threw it into a crowd of like nine people both times. It's either going to be incomplete,

knocked down, intercepted, and then one in the million, someone's going to go up and catch the fucking thing. So like, I feel for Western Michigan, you definitely got fucked, but you can't let that happen. I don't know. That's my opinion on that thing.

You know, and if I can be a big boy, you know, they fucked the Red Sox the other day on that. catch, I have no idea what they looked at. If they even replayed it, I have no idea what they saw. I think because he put it behind his back. I mean, you see it go into his glove and then he goes behind his back. There's no way you saw it went out.

So they just meant, you know, basically what happened is the replay goes to New York. So you know how that works. They're in New York, Yankees. We are the Red Sox from Boston. So there you go. That's how that works. So, you know, it happened.

What are you going to do? You're going to shake it off? You're going to have a fucking meltdown like the 1985 Cardinals who couldn't get past one of the worst calls ever at first base and they got in their fucking emotions

and then didn't even show up in game seven. Their heads were so out of it and they got fucking smoked. I think they let up double-digit numbers. But I will say in the history of umpiring, oh my God. I mean, the guy was out by a full fucking step.

I still don't think that you make death threats on the guy. It was nice that Kansas City finally won another one because that was always sort of a weird thing, you know. They basically lost the World Series. The guy gave him another shot and then they won that game and then they won the next game. And here's the thing. The fucking...

The Cardinals should thank the 86 Red Sox because if the 86, if what happened in game six, if 86 didn't happen, a lot more people would remember game six and 85. All right. Lastly, certainly not leastly. One of the most therapeutic things I've ever done is I went on an early morning weekend motorcycle ride with Dean Del Rey. And I was riding the Indian Chief Scout RT, I believe it's called. And Dean Del Rey got that chief.

vintage one where it looks like it's from like 1948 on top and underneath it's all the technology of 2026 a resto mod if you will and um we rode uh mull holland all the way out to uh you know came up from the valley and then made a right turn onto uh mull holland and then just took that thing all the way over the 405 then there's this big presbyterian church this gentleman this gentleman parking lot. We got off there, made our little social media video. Thank you to everybody at Indian

for loaning us those bikes and letting us ride around. I did a little something to mine. I just made the controls more mid and then brought the handlebars up a little bit more. I can't do that at my age.

I can't have my legs straight out. You know, your spine makes that C shape. And if you go over a bump, you get like a fucking hurt. urinated disc. And what I found in my full body MRI is my spine for my age looks great. But, you know, I will say I stretch like two, three times a day at this point. And I am proud to say at 58 years old, I don't make noises when I get up or sit down or get out of a car or get into a car. I don't, like every, if you make those noises, all you need to do is start a stretching routine.

I mean, obviously, if you're a tub of shit like I was, you're still going to make them. But, you know, if you drop the weight and start stretching. I swear to God, and go for walks, it's better than going to the gym and wear it out, you know, your joints. If you go to the gym, this is some old guy's shit, just light weights, lightweights and, you know, to stay tone. You know what I mean? So, but the rest of that shit, you know, if you want to walk around looking like, You're still playing the NFL. Like, that's when you have to start getting creative, if you know what I mean.

It's when you start going a little balko. Anyway. So we rode those bikes. So on the way back, and, you know, with the mid-controls, what I do with that Chief Scout, it's such a fun bike to ride, especially after you ride, like, the road glide, you know, every other bike feels like a toy. I love the road glide. I'm not saying I don't love it,

but that thing's definitely like at slow speeds. You have to fucking pay attention. I've learned that like three times. I got those things on the side so nothing happens to the bike, but three times like all of a sudden somebody's pulled out and I grabbed the front brake and all of that weight from the ass.

It just pushes the thing down. It's so fucking embarrassing. But that's how you learn, right? So anyway, on the way back, Dean's like, dude, you got a right? ride this Chief Vintage. And I got on the Chief Vintage. And I got to tell you something, man.

That is the most fun motorcycle I have ever ridden. I haven't ridden a zillion, but I've ridden a lot, if you know what I mean. I've ridden triumphs, Royal Antfields, Harleys, Indians, Dukotties. That bike, if you are a man of a certain age or a, if you're just chill, you know, if you want to feel like you're riding with Marlon Brando and what was that movie called The Wild Ones or whatever, it literally the setup on top,

it's like you feel like you're riding in like the 1950s, but, you know, rubber-mounted engine, all of that shit that they've done since then where you don't feel like you're on a death ride. And I rode that thing back on Mulholland. And the only way to describe the ear-to-ear grin I had the entire time I was riding it would be, do you remember in Ferris Bueller's day off when the valets take that Ferrari out and they go over

the hill and in slow motion? That was the grin I had on my face. So shout out to Indian motorcycle. You guys absolutely crushed it with the chief vintage. And, you know, also, if you've ridden for a long time and your body's talking to you, but you still want to ride, like, that's a great bike to check out. It was effortless. It's just like you just lift your arms out and the handlebars are right there. It felt like it was made for me. Yeah, cannot say enough about it.

It was fantastic. Anyway, there you go. Giving a shout out to an American motorcycle company. Anyway, let's get into the... Let's get into the advertisement here for this. Oh, Quo, everybody. You know what's actually scary this Halloween? Not witches, not haunted houses. Not an active politician settling a rape case for $5 million out of court. It's your customers getting ghosted by your own business. No answer, no callback, just silence. That's the kind of scary that's cost you money.

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One day I'm going to go up on my roof around dusk with like a sandwich and a thermos full of coffee. I'm going to clean off the skylight and then I'm just going to sit up there you know, to see what happens at nighttime in those trees and shit. Like, I have heard, like, coyotes going at it with fucking raccoons, which I feel like coyotes at, like, if they're really fucking hungry and they think they got a raccoon corner,

they will go for it. But they, generally speaking, you know, they duck that fight, you know, like a fighter who wants to keep the title. But every once in a while, they go out. it and I heard it well then again if I'm up there then they're all gonna be looking at me you know they could they got that night vision raccoons and nocturnal they have that built-in night vision goggles so they'll be spotting me they probably just would avoid me but uh I do find those things fascinating because like they go into people's houses and they chill with them and watch TV and

eat fucking Doritos and stuff and everybody's all like oh wow it's sort of like a pointy nose I don't know, dog or some shit. And it's just like, if you ever heard that fucking thing growl, you know, if you ever heard a raccoon growl, you would realize there was a big fucking difference between a wolf that has been bred down to be chill and it became a dog to a fucking raccoon. You know?

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Seamintmobile.com. All right. Plowing ahead. Whoever wrote this, I want to compliment them because I did forget this. I was bringing up that movie or somebody else brought it up and I said that I had seen it Tulane Blacktop

which had not Rick James, James Taylor. Had Rick James Taylor in it. I've seen fire and I've seen rain. It also had Dennis Wilson as the driver. I forgot that. Dennis Wilson, the great drummer of the Beach Boys, and sort of three-week friend of the Manson family. All right, hey, Billy Drumhead. Recently, you mentioned the old car flick,

Tulane Blacktop with James Taylor. What you failed to remember is that Taylor's... Oh, he was the driver. Taylor's mechanic. And partner in the movie was played by the one and only legendary drummer, Dennis Wilson. I thought a skin beater like your... self would have been all over that. Yeah, you know what? I haven't seen it in a long fucking time.

A long time. I only saw it one time, but that is embarrassing that I did forget that. Just being a cunt and giving you a hard time, but thought you'd like to be reminded of that. You being such a fan of old school drummers and a real actor there. Yeah, but I got to tell you, on a lot of those Beachboy albums, that was the Recan Crew, right? Am I crazy? Wasn't it really Hal Blum? and Dennis played live. And that woman, I forget her name, she played bass on like everything. I don't know.

Hal Blaine had that, he's called the octopus. It was like a single bass drum, a snare drum, and then like, it seemed like 40 concert tombs going around him and then like two or three floor tombs. And he had three of those set up around L.A. at every studio. and he had this stamp that he would put on his drumhead on the sheet music. I forget what it said. It said another something by Hal Blaine.

So he would get credit that he was on all of these things, so producers would see it and he would keep working. It was pretty well. No, I mean, no disrespect to Dennis Wilson. This guy goes on to say, also, if you never have, do yourself a favor and check out some of Dennis's solo material, mainly his lotted solo album,

Ocean Blue. I'll definitely check that out. Only hardcore Beach Boy fans would know of Dennis's solo work. But like everything else he did, Dennis's music came straight from the heart and it's completely raw and honest and beautiful. Thanks for all the laughs.

Love to you and the family and go fuck yourself. I'm definitely going to check that out. I'll tell you an album that I downloaded that I was really enjoying was Chick Korea has this album called Return to Forever. And it was right as he was coming out. of all those years playing with Miles.

And the story goes that, you know, Miles was getting into that dark period in the 70s, you know, where he sort of disappeared for a while and retired for music. I'll just say it nicely because he wanted to be around the house a little more. Just put it that way. So he wanted to make sort of this positive energy album.

And it's an incredible album. I listened to it yesterday. When I was having my... I have one cigar a week, and I was just enjoying that, trying to on the back porch. My kids come out every two seconds. Are you almost done, Dad?

He shouldn't be smoking. It's bad. I'm like, all right. All right. But I downloaded that, and it's a great album, man. I love all like that... That fucking fusion stuff.

I like that shit better than the progressive rock. A lot of the progressive shit I like, but like the keyboards get a little fucking grading in a lot of it. You know, we're up on the fucking higher register. It like fucking makes my teeth hurt. It's like, dude, fucking chill.

And then also they're always singing about weird shit. You know what I mean? There was a lot of like, I don't know, like sort of like middle earth. Robert Plant did that a lot. He was always singing about fucking hobbits and shit. I was just like, what is this guy talking about? So you kind of like,

you know, you get more into what the band's playing, but it's just like, dude, is this, is this a rock band? Or you're fucking watching fraggle rock? Like, what are we talking about here? And then the wizard said to the king. The wizard. All right, advice on dating. Although Ronnie James

sang a lot about wizards and shit, but I liked it what he did because he had fucking balls the way he sang. All right. Advice on dating. Hey there, Billy Baldass. I'm a 22-year-old guy living in a small northeast town. I'm almost two years out of college, have my own apartment and make just enough money to support myself, and I put money into two-month retirement funds every month. That's great. I'm also in the middle of getting my master's degree in wildlife biology. Well, let's stop right there and say that you're absolutely killing it. That's amazing. He said, I met this girl that is my age on a dating app a little over a

month ago, and the conversation seemed to come easy. Is that why kids aren't drinking as much anymore? I know the alcohol industry is hurting. Maybe it isn't just the legalization of weed. Maybe it's also that, you know, it used to go out to a bar to meet chicks, you know, now you can just fucking sitting home in your pajamas. Just wake up hitting on chicks. I know chicks makes me sound old, but I am. I met this girl. I went away on a business trip shortly after,

so we weren't able to get together immediately, but I expected to be able to go out with her shortly after I got back home. All of a sudden, right around the time I got home, she ghosted me. All right, well, what the fuck do you care? You never even went out with her. He goes, naturally, I was a little mad.

That's a young man thing that you do. As this girl is really pretty and there are not a whole lot of ladies my age in the area. Eventually, after a couple of weeks of not saying anything to each other, I got over it. Then almost as if she knew I was getting over it, she messaged me again out of the blue. Oh, yeah, no kidding.

He goes, I swear to God, women have a six-six. sense when it comes to men moving on from them 100%. We finally got to meet in person recently when we both happened to be at a local bar one night. See? Fucking go analog, dude. There's also, if you go out to a bar and meet somebody, you can actually talk to the person and see if there is a vibe there

because everybody's going to have a great picture of themselves. Since then, we've had some conversation again over text, and I've been trying to see when she might want to go out on an actual date, but I have the feeling that I'm going to end up right back where I was. Yeah, dude, you already know the answer to this. And I got to tell you, you are wise beyond your ears, your years that you know that women have that six cents that you've moved on. And you also are wise beyond your years that this is like,

you feel like this person is playing a game with you. this is like you're like a placeholder you're not the person but she likes that you're giving her attention so when she's trying some new guy she's away from you this is my gut feeling before i read the rest of this you just like a placeholder so i would walk away okay you already talked online and you're already met in person if she's still like you can't get her in the boat it's just like just let her go go fishing somewhere else all right and also she has the total right

to do everything that she's doing so don't get fucking upset by it it's you know we sit there oh look at her tits we're fucking idiots so why can't they fucking take your emotions out

and play with it like a fucking cat a piece of yard anyway each time I ask what she's doing on any given evening she says she's working which I'm inclined to believe being that she bartends at a local bar, at a local golf course, or I get no response

from her. I don't want to keep asking her out and pestering her in case she is actually interested and is just busy. But at the same time, I don't want this chick to feel like she could just use me to inflate her ego whenever she wants. Any advice on this situation would be appreciated. Thanks and go fuck yourself. Yeah, this is a lost cause. And this is the easiest way because you never really had a relationship with her. And yeah, she's, you know, she's young. She likes attention. And men and women, when they're young, do shit.

A lot of times without even realizing that they're fucking with somebody and hurting them or annoying them on some level, you don't know because you're young. So your instincts on this are 100% correct. What you need to do is just walk away. Walk away. And what's probably going to happen is if she texts you when you don't text her back and then you run into her somewhere. Yeah, this is one of these chicks. They're like cats.

You know, you call a cat. It doesn't give a fuck. If you ignore it, it's sitting in your lap. And that right there is a fucking nightmare. And that's also the kind of woman that's going to cheat on you. That's my gut. Right? So whatever. She's the hottest chick in a fucking small pond. I don't know. The internet's a big place if that's how you meet your women. So I think you choose self-esteem. Everything that you said about yourself and what you're doing. The fact that you needed to tell me that to justify that you should, you know, that you're walking away. The fact that you had to read me your resume, Ari lets me know that this woman is just not good for you mentally. all right but don't take it to the point where you actually have any negative feelings towards her

just thank her for the life lesson know that this isn't what you're looking for you know when you meet the right person it's easy you just sort of fall in together i know that's annoying to hear at your age but it is true and if if it's this much fucking work just to get a goddamn date with her what is it going to be like being in a relationship you know if you take on the responsibility of trying to keep this immature person happy. Fuck all that. Of course she works at a golf club, golf course. There's a bunch of guys there.

Hey, how you doing? Trying to, you know, she likes the attention. And God bless her. She's young, she's pretty, she's only going to be that way for once. She should go out there and get a bunch of attention. But, you know, that's not what you're looking for. What she's looking for is not what you're looking for.

So leave. And when she texts you, don't text back. And when you run into it, just say, yeah, you're just sort of like playing a game with me. You like the attention. And yeah, I don't do that. And just keep it at that. And then we're, no, it's not that.

I fucking goo-gag-goo. And she tries leading with her fucking, you know, they do like the Mayweather with the shoulder, except it's sexy, you know, rolling the show, they do the shoulder roll. Yeah, don't fall for it. Yeah, don't fall for it. Don't get sucked into that because it's, it's,

you know how the movie ends. All right? There you go. Okay. out to sea destroyer in a hurricane um hey billy lighthouse many years ago i served in the u.s navy on a destroyer

in mayport florida i mean you know out of all the branches of the military the navy it must always feel like you're on an adventure or a fucking cruise without a water slide one or the other sorry In September 1999, Hurricane Floyd was gaining strength. Floyd in the Atlantic.

All the ships left port, and we were given orders to track and come back in behind the storm. That must have been exciting. Oh, my God, I would have been, even on like an aircraft, even on like a fucking destroyer, I would be scared shitless. This is what the Navy calls a Hurricane sortie. I was 19 years old at the time, and this was my first time going out to sea. Bill, it was exhilarating. During the few hours, we had medium waves, maybe four to six feet.

The sun was shining, and we were all just doing routine tasks in shooting the shit. It was an adventure. I was thinking my friends back home are sitting in some college lecture, not me. I'm heading into a goddamn hurricane on a fucking warship. Fun. 19-year-old mentality. I mean, I'm with you so far. This all makes sense.

That's what I would have been thinking. By the next morning, we were taking on 25 to 30-foot waves over the bow of the ship. It was insane. It was a warship like a destroyer. There's almost no portholes. The only windows are really just up on the bridge.

So if you're working below, have no idea what's coming. You just ride those waves for hours, days. Sometimes when walking through the ship, you see the long passageways shifting and flexing. It's unnerving, but the ship has to flex a little by design. I never got seasick, but many did. We were told just to stay in your rack, parentheses, bed. If you're not on watch or maintaining critical systems, just lay down and ride it out. Fuck. After a few days, we returned to Homeport.

I went on to serve four years. Two deployments on that ship, including scrambling out to sea during 9-11 attacks. Wow. Hell of a time, but nothing tops those 30-foot waves during Floyd. Thanks and go fuck yourself. Dude, that, yeah, that's coming off the tales of me just in a mild tropical storm. Not even a tropical storm.

just a storm when I did my one cruise ship gig and my bedroom was down by the waterline and I had a round porthole window and I was seeing just the spray of the waves were coming up and I was like dude what the fuck get me the fuck out of here anyway long time fan and podcast listener you've been talking on the podcast lately

about going out to sea and I thought you might find this interesting this is the next person out to see decompression. Oh my God. Listen, if you guys want to just scare the shit out of me, keep sending me. These things are insane. And I told you, I realized I hadn't read any of the classic books by the time I was

in my 30s and I just started reading them. So many of them are about going out to sea in like those wooden ships and they are just fucking terrifying. Terrifying reads for me anyway. All right. Once again, longtime fan and podcast listener. You've been talking on the podcast lately about being out to sea. And I thought you might find this interesting. Around 20 years ago, I had the opportunity to work as a rigour on a ship for a few weeks in the Bass Strait, which is a stretch of water between Australia and Tasmania that is known for being quite rough.

Hey, I'll tell you, it was a rough one, you know. So for those of you, hang on, I need a drink of water. For those of you unfamiliar with Tasmania who grew up watching Bugs Bunny and the Tasmanian devil, Tasmanian is an island just south of Australia. I learned, I didn't, had no idea until I went there. And I was like, what's that island? Tasmania, do they have Tasmanian devils?

And they're like, yes, but they don't spin around like in the fucking cartoon. Anyway, we were a support vessel for another larger ship that had some saturation divers. on it. Saturation divers? What the fuck does that mean? Doesn't, don't they all get saturated? The second you're in the water, you're saturated. I don't know what that means. Um, who were replacing a sub-sea control module, parentheses, whatever that is. About 100 meters down on the sea floor, so that's over 300 feet. A saturation diver is a professional deep diver. They go into a compression chamber at the start of the job and live in it

so that they can stay at the required level of compression to dive that deep for the duration of the job. Once the job is over, due to the nitrogen buildup in their bodies, they have to decompress over a few days. So if there's an emergency on the ship,

they can't just let them out of the chamber. How much do you make an hour to do that job? Sorry for keep taking the drink. I know it sounds annoying. I'll try to do it away from the microphone more. I just have a fucking dry throw from that cigar. Once again, that's why I do it once a week. Where was I?

You can't let them out of the chamber. We were their escape plan in the event that the other ship started to sink. If that had happened, their chamber would be jettisoned into the ocean. What is that? Is that a fancy word for thrown over the side? Our standby diver would then have to jump into the water in three to four meters swell and hook them up to our crane

so we could drag them up under our deck and hook up their tanks for them. There's a guy that can just do that. He doesn't just get tossed around the ocean. We would then have to go flat out to the nearest port where more oxygen would be waiting. The trip ended up being uneventful, but it goes to show there are some crazy jobs out there

being done every day that not many people know about, that many people know about, how about I have the fucking balls to do it? Like I think those people in the chamber, when they're just sitting in there, once they get tossed overboard, would just be the helplessness of that situation. But the person that dives into three to four meters swells,

I remember from back in the day, a meter's a little more than a yard, which is three feet. So that's over nine to 12 feet. You have to swim in that shit. with a hook. Yeah. Yeah, fuck that. Fuck all of that.

Anyway, that is the podcast, everybody. Thank you for sharing me those stories of being out to sea. How about some helicopter pilots telling me some gnarly shit that you get involved in? You know, those rescues at night when that hiker who fell

finally gets a fucking signal or going into fires or even just doing those high power line jobs where somebody steps off the fucking thing, you know, does whatever the hell they're doing. I had a couple buddies that got that job. Seems insane to me. As I've always said, I just fly when it's nice out. Oh, no.

Fortune Femster said that when I did her and Tom's podcast. I was explaining that I just fly VFR, visual flight rules. And she's like, what's that? and I was explaining it to her. She goes, oh, so you just fly when it's nice out. I've used that ever since. Yeah, that's exactly what I do.

I just fly when it's nice out. I go for motorcycle rides when it's nice. I wanted to ride today, but it was raining up. That's not nice. I'm not going. So anyway, all right, that's the podcast. I am on to New York.

I am doing, I can't believe this, the 25th anniversary of the 9-11 attacks. I'm doing that show at the, at Madison Square Garden that Pete Davidson put together. Going to be hosted by John Stewart. Who's on this thing? I forget the lineup. I know it's Dave Chappelle's on it.

John Stewart's hosting. Shane Gillis. Pete Davidson, myself, and a couple other fucking just amazing comics I get to work with. So looking forward to that, having a good time and all of that. shit and uh if you bought a ticket uh we all really appreciate it that's it okay go fuck yourselves have a great couple of days and i'll check it on you on thursday