Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday 5-16-24

Episode Date: May 16, 2024

Bill rambles with Joe Bartnick about choosing a beer, playoffs, and getting into with a guy in a wheel chair. (00:00) - Thursday Afternoon Podcast (51:17) - Thursday Afternoon Throwback 5-16-16 Bill rambles about his dream garage, writer's block, and revenge. Thursday Afternoon Interlude:  DK the Drummer - Echo (feat. Swamburger, DiViNCi) Gametime:  Download the Gametime app, create an account, and use code BURR for $20 off your first purchase. Liquid Death:  Go to www.LiquidDeath.com/BURR to check out all their healthy, infinitely recyclable beverages and find your closest retailer.

It's time for the Thursday afternoon, just before Friday Monday morning podcast and I'm just checking in on you. How are you? You know, usually when I videotape it means I have a special guest, but not this time. I just wanted to look into your eyes and ask you how it was going. Because I'm an empath? No, we have a very special guest, one of my favorite people in this business, who I can't read his writing, what so fucking ever here. What does that first one say?

Joe Bartnik everybody. Thank you everybody. I'll be in Mechanicsburg, Pennsylvania May 23rd. Oh. May 22nd. Mechanicsburg, Pennsylvania, May 23rd. May 22nd. Mechanicsburg, Pennsylvania, May 22nd. Let's get your dates out of the way. This man is tearing it up out there. May 23rd, Pittsburgh, improv.

June 15th, is that Linkmore? Or Almost Famous? Almost Famous Wine in Livermore, California. Livermore. Then I'm up in Fox. June 28 about June 28 29th Foxboro comedy scene yes can't wait Wow July 26 7th in Lubbock Texas yes home of the the Red Raiders I believe so Texas Tech yeah July 28th Dallas Club. Go out and check him out. The one and only, the Rose Bowl tailgate legend, the enforcer on those Pickwick Bowl

fucking late night pick up hockey games. The one and only, Joe Bartek. Thank you. The fifth liner. Thank you. Joe Bartek, I stepped over my name, not good. Yeah, you used to settle things down out there on the ice, it would get a little too ch good. Yeah, you used to settle things down out there on the ice

when it would get a little too chippy. Say, hey, let's all go for a pop. Yeah, we used to call you the shark was out there patrolling. Anyways, what's going on, man? I love when all these dates that you're getting out here off of your standup special where you crushed it in Chicago. Yeah, we're having fun.

The dates have been awesome. I just love doing's always just, I just love doing the road. I really do, you know, other than, I mean, it's funny. Cause I, Boise was a little rough. Hey, I'll tell you what's a little rough, okay? I hadn't stayed in a hotel where they worried if I was going to steal the hangers in a while. Oh, it's one of those? Well, I picked it cause it was like, you know,

swimming pool, hot tub, not to use a hot hot tub. You know I need a swimming pool and Courtesy van at the airport. I'm like I'm all in then I get there Yikes terrible customer service. I won't get into it. No get into it. What happened the guy? Let me check what hotel doesn't let you check in early I Thought a lot of them were cunts about that. No, I mean, I don't know, I always just cavoke them. Everyone's always cool, like, ah, who cares? Oh, they'll let you check in and we'll let you know

when the room's ready. Yes! Oh, they wouldn't do that. They would not let me do that. Well, you come at three o'clock, so I went and had a pizza and a beer. I didn't really care. But then, the guy caused a problem

with three other different customers. I went to check out, I wanted to get my receipt. I hate, because always in Vegas, you come home from Vegas, like I didn't spend $400. Remember, Kenny finally tried to charge me a grand one time? Anyway, I was waiting. Yeah, we were playing Vegas and there was this weird charge and he was asking me, did you and Joe order something? And I said, no, and then they try to make it look like

you ordered a grand worth of booze just to see if you were paying attention yeah and the thing is is like you know I could have it was close enough like because I did have about an hour and a half there that I couldn't really place but I'm like I would have remembered if I ordered all this booze yeah excessive even for me you know the. Ah, the truth's starting to come out. No, but I did. That time I'm not a liar. I'm a lot of things.

I'm not a liar. But anyway, as I was waiting to get my receipt, two different other families had arguments with this front desk clerk, and then a lady ran in from the parking lot and tried to fight everybody like it was Jerry Springer. Why? Because this guy was Jerry Springer. Why? Cause this guy was such a jerk. And I'll get to the point too.

It was even funnier was he was in a wheelchair. So I knew God just didn't make things good for him. So he took it out on everybody. I actually went out, I was nice to him. I actually went outside and I apologized to one of the old ladies he was screaming at. Cause I'm like, you know, he was that way with me too. Don't take it personally.

He was ruining people's face. He was yelling at old ladies? He yelled at a veteran and said, just because you serve this country, don't think you're special. I couldn't write this. That's when you gotta be like, all right, num nuts. I'm gonna go walk to my car, you fucking cunt.

That's the thing was I was like. Then I think at that point, paralysis is on the table, am I nuts? Yeah, well, I was just like, I'm not gonna go. I just don't wanna say that. Just because I'm. Well, can you imagine being such a dick. That even God was like, I'm gonna let you not walk. That you're like, you know what,

I'm gonna make fun of the fact you're in a wheelchair, which is something I would never do. But now I'm like, all right. Yeah, I was literally like, yeah, I wanna say something, but I mean, you know what, I'm just gonna, it's just bad. I didn't want to put that into the universe. Was he bald too?

No. Because that would have been funny. God didn't hate him that bad. If he was sitting in a wheelchair and you were able to stay in the pocket, let me tell you something, you bald motherfucker, and you just talked about him being bald as he sat there. Rather than going for the easy low hanging fruit.

I wanted to do what David Povol, you know, Richie said on Soprano, he was like, you don't let me go in that room, I'll put your arms where your legs are. I don't even know what that means and that's scary. When he was crippled, remember he ran Beansie over, he goes, you go crying to Tony Soprano one more time, I'm gonna put your arms where your legs are.

Because he couldn't move them. Oh, he's gonna make him paralyze from the next day. Yeah. Oh. I didn't do a good David Provo. No, you did, no, it was definitely scary. But here's the... The whisper, it's the whisper.

Here's the funny thing was, this is how convoluted the internet is. I've never, only one time have I ever written a bad review ever in my life, or given a one star on Uber. Cause I just think, ah, why put that out there? Was when this big lesbian almost got me into a fist fight in San Francisco as my Uber driver. She started to fight with a guy and I'm like,

I'm not getting out to protect you. What happened? She almost ran into this guy and they hopped out, they were gonna fight. Oh man, that's amazing. And I was in the back seat and I'm just like, I'm not in this. Yeah, no.

No, you're just a very observant. But I gave her one star. And that's the only time I've ever once ever put anything negative on anybody on the internet, like a review or anything. Was that her effort in the fight or just the experience? She was terrible the whole time. She was like angry the whole time.

And I'm just like, what is this broad's problem? And then she literally right in front of the saloon on Grant Street, hopped out and wanted to go with this guy. But bookie- Oh yeah, she's a gamer. You gotta like come playoff season. You gotta like that. You gotta bring her up from the minor league system.

It was a softball playoff. She was getting ready. She was gonna go catch a doubleheader. So, booking.com though, I did not swear. All I said was how the customer service thing was awful and this and that. And it wasn't just me. I took the high road. They had a problem with three different people and you should terminate the guy behind the counter, he's in a wheelchair. And booking.com sent me a thing that said,

it's mean and we will not post this, you can change it. So I took that guy in wheelchair and they still did not post it. So what's this having a rating system if I can't say the place was a shithole? Comfort in, airport boysy. Why is it mean to say someone's in a wheelchair that is in the wheelchair? You didn't say I'm happy he's in the wheelchair, you didn't say that paralyzed fuck, you didn't say that. No. You just said he was he's in a wheelchair. I don't know but anyway. That's God, this is the

corporate lawyers. I'm sure they wheeled them out the back. You know what's funny? He probably said to you, he probably thought being in the wheelchair was a way for him to be a dick. Maybe he could walk. He was just using that as a front. I mean, at this point.

I mean, a lot of, some homeless people fake the wheelchair. Yeah, do you ever see the ones that are just sort of walking it like this? Their legs are going and you're just like, so is your waist paralyzed? Like what's going on? Everything else is. Yeah, you're just lazy.

Yeah, what is going on? You can always tell how bad a neighborhood is by how many handicapped people are begging for change there. Like if it's all handicapped, people thought, bad neighborhood. I remember a long time ago, I was working with somebody on my website, and he had a wheelchair, and he was totally fine,

but he used it because, you know, you know like those guys in bands that have the keyboards all over the place? He just had computer keyboards so he would just wheel himself over. And I was like, oh, you know. I guess I- You mean in the office, he didn't take it on the street.

No, he didn't take it on the street but he just had it in his office so he could like wheel himself around and, it just seemed a lot more trouble than it was worth. Was he fat? Well, it's also like they make chairs with wheels on them, like office chairs. Yeah, I was gonna say,

like every office chair you could spin around. And it was sorta at the first, toward the end of the first wave of the height of hipsterdom in like Brooklyn and in Silver Lake and all of that when it was just like, do you remember when like hipsters were like dressing like defunct jobs, like blacksmiths and, you know, they like say they had these mustaches

like they would ride in that tricycle with the giant fucking front wheel. Oh yeah, or like guys that have never worked a day in their life were in Carhartt and flannel shirts and stuff like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, the worker shirt with the guy's name on it yes I just knew a bit about that going I wish the fucking guy that that was his shirt comes up to you someday is like what is my like what my job and my life is is ironic to you yeah but that is

extra hip that's why I think it's there for the wheelchair I'm not gonna use the office chair I'm gonna use a wheelchair that's extra yeah was. That's why it always blows my mind of like, that whole crowd, like how much they flipped out about Pabst Blue Ribbon, it's like, this is fucking piss beer. But I felt like, yes, it is piss. How dare you. Oh my God, it is fucking piss.

It's great, but it's not awful. You know what it was? Maybe it's not as bad. It was just the people that were drinking it, acting like they had these blue collar backgrounds and that they were gonna have a boiler maker or some shit. And it was just like, you guys, you're all fucking artists. Like all you assholes.

We're telling jokes. Why are you drinking that beer like you work for a living and you live and die by the local sports team? I, it just bugged me. Well, there is a good reason to drink that beer. It is cheaper. That's a good reason.

If they're artists, they probably don't make that much money. But I'll tell you, I would almost always rather have the cheapo American B-rate beer than any expensive, anything that has hazy in it. Get the fuck fuck away from me. Hey, I don't even know what that is Yeah, the hazy is hey you're just Yeah, if there's anything if you have to list the flavors and it isn't beer Give me a fucking Miller like a Miller highlight. No Miller life is delicious. No highlight. It's the champagne There's something about that bottle. Like you feel like you're only drinking like six, eight ounces.

It doesn't feel like 12 and then all of a sudden you had 12, you know, and you're like what happened? And you lose your ticket on the way to the Rose Bowl, right? You fall on an old lady trying to get to your fucking seat. Miller High Life though is Yeah, I passed the kidney stone. I just remember the first time I just remembered like I was with like I was somewhere in Denver and everybody had these big bushy beards like they were mountain men and then you know so I was you know I did my set at the Comedy Works and we all went down and they were all freaking out that they had PBR on tap.

I'm like, it's a fucking terrible beer. Like, what are we doing? Then they were all just kind of sitting around. And I go, I feel like I'm in like a town club. Like these people are trying to act like they work for the town, they drive a truck and this shit. It's like, you don't, you don't. You're like-

They might not, but either- No, no, they didn't, Joe. They didn't, all right? Like, I don't know why you don't. You don't, you're like. They might not, but. No, no, they didn't, Joe. They didn't, all right? Like, I don't know why your side, this is really bugging me. I went with you with the fucking wheelchair guy. You can't go with me with some hipster fucking cunt. No, okay, no.

But I will always. With a Kenny Rogers beard, and he's not even singing country songs? But I will go on the side of buying, having a cheaper, thinner, skinnier, easier to digest American beer. That'll always be that. That's what I'm defending. I was a Budweiser guy. I liked never like Bud Light. I'd liked Miller High Life. Didn't like light beer.

I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, Micolobelight and then we got some harder shit. Oh my God, that was so stupid. We got so fucked up, so fucked up. I remember this guy lighting a match and I was trying to light my cigar and I was like too far away from him. He kept walking towards me and I was walking back and he was just looking at me and I was swaying. I'm so glad those days have passed me, behind me. You know what's so funny about Bud Light?

And I've drank in millions of Bud Lights and they're okay. But you drink Bud Light, I've been drinking Bud Light for a long time. And then one time they're at a Bud Light and they go, we got Budweiser, I'll have one. I never went back to a Bud Light. I'll take those extra 30 calories. It's like Bud, but you know what?

I'm not gonna say, I'll have a Bud Heavy. Give me a break, a Bud Heavy. Give me a Budweiser with all the fucking horses horses the ponies. That's the Budweiser I want give me a butt who says that's more offensive than pretending. You're a lumberjack It's more offensive than pretending your the ponies are the ones dragging the Bud Light into town the Clydesdale's Bringing the fucking Budweiser's ponies are what's in a Cadillac like the one we were driving today. I love the ponies, all the ponies. Yeah, that's the only, yeah, the only light. No, Miller High Life I like.

I never liked the light. Coors Light. There was a summer. I had a Coors Light summer in the 80s. But then we all of course, like had a Coors Light. Playing volleyball. Silver bullet. Yes. Shirtless. Shirtless with my with my coochie cutters on. Right. We're not gay

for each other. Yeah. Well, I'm Billy. Yeah. The only thing that saved me from a gay experience on the beach was my pastiness. Other than that, I would have been all in. You were wearing jeans. Yeah, I was wearing jeans. Jeans and a bud man hoodie. I still have my bud man hoodie. I have some camel cash gear. Oh, you do? Of course. I got, what do I have left from the 80s? I have an Andrew

Dice Clay tanked sweatshirt at tank top. I saw him in 88 or 89. I have a Stevie Ray Vaughn tank top. I saw him on the instep tour a year before he died and then I have a Budman sweatshirt and I have a Judas Priest from the Fuel for Life, the Turbo Lover Tour. That's all I have left from the... and I have a Bruin sweatshirt. I got a Bruin... The tank top version of the concert t-shirt though, that's a rare... those are bootlegged out front. You paid top dollar for those. Oh yeah, they were like. There's no guy outside going, 10 inside, 20 inside. Yeah, no, I, yeah, it's been, that's all I got left.

I love that Bruins hoodie though. It's like, I just love it because first of all, it still fits, which makes me feel good from 30 something years ago, but I used to wear that thing when I would go into the old Boston Garden or whatever. So that's like, it still kills me, man. Just where hockey was with those old barns that they have. I fucking hate these new places compared to those old ones.

Dude, the igloo, man, was great. Oh, the igloo, I mean, the rats were the advantage. Teams were scared of the rats. To think of what it was. They were just rock. I just also like. All right, hey, here we go. Cause we always do the, we always do the start and quarterbacks.

Okay. From the seventies. Well this time, why don't we name NHL venues from the eighties. Okay. Spectrum. Wait, Boston Garden, Buffalo Sabres played at the? Odd. Odd, yep. The mall Sabres played at the? Odd. Odd, yep.

The mall in Hartford. The mall in Hartford, Nassau Coliseum. Nassau Coliseum, Brendan Byrne Arena, the garden. Wait, Brendan Byrne was what, Jersey? Yeah, for the Devils. That was in Continental Airlines, that became that. Well, it's the same, yeah. But in those days, it was the Brendan Byrne Arena.

Then it was the Spectrum, the Cap Center. The Cap Center was great. That was the original placerne. Then it was the Spectrum, the Cap Center. The Cap Center was great. That was the original place where the owner tried to, Ted Leone has tried to keep the Penguins fans away from getting tickets. Cause that was always the easiest drive to go get Penguins. And then the fucking, the Igloo. The Igloo.

And that was as far south as you needed to go. Yeah, and it was the Keele Auditorium or the Checkerboard, the Purina Center in St. Louis. The Keele Auditorium or the checkerboard, the Purina Center in St. Louis, the Keele, it was the Keele in St. Louis. Oh yeah, no, I didn't even remember the name of that. I believe it. And then Detroit, I don't remember. Joe Louis.

But I don't remember, the Olympia Stadium was in the late 70s. Yeah, but Joe Louis was like 78. So I think Joe Louis is legit, but we can say Joe Lewis yeah this the stadium obviously at Chicago Stadium Milwaukee was I mean Minnesota was the oh you know see it the Met Center the Met Center Mall of America the Met Center where did the Colorado Rockies play oh that's a nickels McNichols McNichols arena McNichols the Cal Palace was for the Seals. The Forum.

The Forum. Northlands Coliseum. Northlands Coliseum. Where did Vancouver play? Oh, that's gonna be the Kansas City quarterback of the. Was it the Rogers Center? No, well, I mean, no. Nothing was, where did they?

That's a pass. Northlands, no, Northlands was. Edmonton. Edmonton. Let's, we'll get back to that. Winnipeg, that's another tough one. Where did that's a pass Northland Northlands was Edmonton Edmonton let's we'll get back to that Winnipeg that's another tough one where did they play now we're getting okay Maple Leaf Gardens Maple Leaf the forum obviously forum and what about Quebec Oh they call the see them the color say the color say the color say that's right so we know we know when I think oh in the Saddle Dome is Calgary. Yep, Saddle Dome.

They still play there. Yeah. They're getting a new one in a couple years. That sucks. Well, I'm happy for them, but that sucks. So we're, yeah, someone- We named 26 out of 28. Or 20.

Was it 29? I don't know how many. Math is not our number one topic here. Listen, we're not big readers. Second line centers that we can do. Uh. Ha, ha. We can name, yeah, we can name,

I can name first line, you know, I can name nickname lines from a long time ago. Oh yeah, hockey I'm good at, hockey, booze, you know, mob movies, after that it gets a little, the pond is a little shallow. That's why at parties, you and I end up talking to each other. Oh yeah.

And we go out, we kind of do a lap around and then it just come and then we go like, hey man, 1970s quarterback, you go first. Yeah. Idiots. Walk around, hey, did you see that hit last? Oh, that was the cheapest, you think it's the cheapest, I don't know. Someone was ragging. Hey, speaking of this, hey, did you see that hit last? Like, oh, that was a cheap, you think it's a cheap shot, I don't know.

And you go, someone was ragging. Hey, speaking of this, this man's one of the biggest hockey fans, if not the biggest you're ever gonna meet. How about my Boston Bruins having the Panthers right where we want them? Yeah, exactly. For revenge.

Revenge? They beat us when they were down three games to one. Now we're down three games to one. Yeah, you can still do it. You know, you just have to get some secondary scoring, as they say. You gotta get some shots on net. And dude, I have to, listen, I got all the respect in the fucking world for the Panthers.

Dude, they are the Terminator. They just don't fucking stop. And I don't give a fuck how many goals you're up. You cannot relax until there's no time left in the game. Because if there is, they like to terminate it. Remember when it was just the robot, just the front half, they're gonna crawl on their elbows. It's like, they are so, whatever the mentality of that team and those players are,

that is the fucking mindset of every single team that I've ever seen win the cup, is they just fucking grind you down. They never get down on themselves. They just fucking keep coming. I hate to say it. They're just a fucking great organization, the cunts. The leaders of that team were so upset

when they lost in the finals last year. They said that it's not gonna happen again. And a lot of great teams, that's what happens. They hate losing so much. They never wanna go through that again. And Barkov and Kichuk are incredible leaders. And they have grade A goaltending. Barovsky, they got six adult men that play defense,

they can move the puck. And they have secondary scoring. And right below their superstars is very good scoring. And they got Sammy Bennett back, who's a bastard and I love him. Is he the one who hit Marshawn? He did. I mean, he plays easy.

I mean, that happens, it happens. He's a bigger version of the rat. And I love the rat, you know? You know, you live by the sword, you die. You know, this is the business we've chosen. And that's, you know, it's playoff hockey. How do you think, let's, okay, if things keep going the way that they're going, my boys will be golfing soon. So what was the Rangers series? Two won them? They're up three one against the Carolina Hurricanes. Okay, so let's go with the obvious here.

All right, the Rangers play the Pan- Pukov is his podcast here. As well as Two for Talking with Josh Joey. Okay, the Rangers. What I'm liking about the Rangers, before I realized that the Panthers again are gonna be a buzz saw, is I feel like the Rangers can outscore you

and beat the shit out of you, which is what you need this time of year. How do they, that's gonna be a fucking war. I'll tell you, the first series, the Rangers played against Washington, Washington put up no fight. And Vinny Trocheck, the Pittsburgh kid, I thought was the Rangers' best player,

and he's a great two-way center, but I'm like, if he's their best player They're not gonna beat Carolina. They need your stars to show up. The stars have shown up for the Rangers Against Carolina as far as bread man and Zabinijad and Kreider Thing is about the Panthers is the Panthers you saw with the Bruins I just love how into this shit you are. The Panthers attack the net and they are on the net like a dog on a bone. And the Rangers have a lot of great defensemen and I love their defense, but their defense

loves to play up ice. They love to hit, they love to knock people in corners. They love open ice checking. You know what they don't like to do? They really don't like to defend around the net. And you know who gets really upset all the time if you mess with them Eager's a stork and the hot the young hot goalie from the Rangers. So I think the Panthers are gonna get in his kitchen and rattle him and I think the Panthers beat the New York Rangers

I mean, how do you how do you how do you mess with that take? I can't I mean, I love I love both team. It's it a, it's not, I want the Penguins in, obviously. But when the Penguins aren't in and the Flyers are out, I have no worries. I can just enjoy great hockey. I have to be honest with you, that's where I am as a Patriots fan. Like all these fucking people are coming up to me

this past season and just like giving me shit out bad. The Patriots suck, but all I hear is relief you're not gonna kick our ass anymore so it made me feel good about what I got to watch over the last 20 years and just them not being in the playoffs to just not because the thing about it is is we went to the playoffs almost every single year we only won it six times so 14 times it was just like for them I make like one time we didn't make the playoffs is this heartbreaking We only won it six times. So 14 times, it was just like for the, one time we didn't make the playoffs,

it's this heartbreaking, crushing fucking loss. So to just get it over with after 17 games now, and I can just go in there and just watch all these people, fucking hit Kansas City, the refs are totally on their side, dah, dah, dah, dah, and all this shit. And I can just sit back and be like, Kansas City's in the Super Bowl, getting a point and a half I'll fucking put some money on that. You won six you won six it's easy to not go the buffet you've already won six. I know yeah

don't give a fuck I don't understand I don't really understand what other NFL fans are hoping to accomplish by giving me shit it's just like hey man you know I hope you guys going to run like that I like, I'm in my golden years as a fan. It's never gonna be better than that. I knew it as it was happening. I'm enjoying watching the fucking Red Sox right now. We got the best starting pitching in the American League. We suck at running bases, we make a ton of errors.

So it's fucking hilarious. Like our starters are getting us there and then the bullpen or somebody, somebody base running bonehead error, but we're starting to play better defense. I like suffering through a bad fucking team. I mean, just with me and the Peng was like, dude, I got this fucking pain in my side.

I don't know what's going on. My fucking back is, I have five rings. Someone said, if the aliens from, if you left, if you fell asleep in 1990 and woke up right now, what would, how would the world change? How would you ever believe?

The Penguins have five Stanley Cups. Who would ever believe that in 19, we were the LA Clippers. We got, I can die in five rings. I was a little kid, the Pirates won, the Steelers have been great. It's like, I'm good. I just.

No, but you gotta be able to, and that's the thing, people don't want you to be good. It's the same thing in this business for the longest time I got this advice as a comedian going don't get too happy Don't be getting happy all your fucking act is gonna dry up It was the biggest bullshit ever if you get happy you have a whole new look at the world You're still looking at shit in a funny way. You're just not doing this fucking morose thing Yeah, who wants to be a fucking angry cunt their whole life? I mean, I'm doing a pretty good job, but...

Um... I heard it pays good. Huh? I am why you? I am way less angry. Oh, you're way, you're way less angry. Thank you. You're way, it's almost not as fun.

You know it's funny? I don't mean on the show, I mean like, just when, you know, eh, you know, that's what you're kind of... That's what I'm gonna fucking do, I don't mean on the show. I mean like just when you know, ah, you know, hey, that's what you're doing. That's what I'm gonna fucking do. I don't give a shit. You know the other day, I was coming back from this,

go ahead, you can let it out. I was coming back from some social event and we had brought a cake there. And you know those cake things are tricky. You go to take it from the side, the bottom falls out. So I go to take it out of the thing. It's this fucking Oreo cheesecake thing with the Oreo crust, dude, just hits the counter

and right down on the floor. And I was just like, Jesus Christ, I'm cleaning this stuff or anything. And then my wife comes walking in and she sees it. And she goes, oh no. I go, yeah, I got a fucking false bottom. It fell out. I always saved most of it. She goes, wow. She goes, oh no! I go, yeah, I got a fucking false bottom, it fell out. I always saved most of it.

She goes, wow, she goes, I'm impressed. She goes, the old you would have flipped out. And I just go, and the hits keep coming. She goes, no, well you know you would have lied. I go, hey, you know, you got your shortcomings. Do I gotta bring it up every time? You know, that's why my wife's cool. She goes, all right, you're right.

I didn't need to bring that up. I'm sorry, I just said thank you. She's the best. She's the best, you know, that's why my wife's cool. She goes, all right, you're right. I didn't need to bring that up. I'm sorry, I just said thank you. She's the best. Yeah. She's the best, you know what I mean? She gets it. But I understand why she said it, but also, you know, you've made this point.

How many times are you gonna make this fucking point? I guess. Picking battles is the biggest thing to do in a relationship and marriage. No, no, just setting the tone. You gotta cross check her early. Well, yeah, obviously. That goes without saying.

Soon as the puck drops. Let her know that she's in a fight here. Let her know this is a game. I just think, yeah, I just agree. I just agree, okay. Oh no, yeah, but then, because that gives you credibility, so then when you actually go like, I don't. I just agree. Yeah, okay. Oh no, yeah, yeah But then cuz that gives you credibility so then when you actually go like I don't want to do that shit, please I don't just can't you do it. You do it. This is some you shit you yeah I think I would never drag you to some me shit

Oh, but my wife knows better than to drag me places cuz she just knows Fucking knows better. Like why take me somewhere where you're just going to hear me incessantly bitch about it the whole time. Joe rolls up a newspaper. This works on broads too. Oh, I never hit a dog. No.

No, I've never hit a dog or a woman. That's just not the way it goes. Oh, no, some asshole in a wheelchair. He runs his yap enough, and I catch him. Give him a push. Is that traffic yap enough and I catch him give a push Is that traffic? No, you should just let the air out of one of his tires. I Just I mean I really kind of felt okay. Well God standing behind I'm going you brought this on yourself Even if you don't like me how you treat these old people the way he was treating them was like, I don't know.

Just because you're in a wheelchair doesn't mean you can't be a narcissistic cunt. I think he was just enjoying the whole spectacle of it and just having like that power. I had a fucking landlord like that. All right everybody, it's game time. Game time makes getting tickets for concerts and events faster and easier, even if you don't buy tickets right away. Prices on Game Time app actually go down. The closer it gets to the show's start time.

With killer last minute deals, all in prices, views from your seat, and their lowest price guaranteed, Game Time takes the guesswork out of buying concert tickets. Priority last minute deals. Save up to 60% off buying last minutes for sports, concerts, comedy, theater, etc. The lowest price guaranteed or game time will credit you 110% of the difference. Dude, I've never seen something so designed for potheads. You get there late and they hook you up. Game time ticket coverage. Your purchase is covered with the most flexible customer service policy in the ticketing industry. Take the guesswork out of buying concert tickets

with Game Time. Download Game Time app, create an account and use the code BURR, B-U-R-R for $20 off your first purchase. Terms apply. Again, create your own account and redeem code, spell out BURR, B-U-R-R for $20 off. Download Game Time today. Last minute tickets lowest prices guaranteed.

All right, now you know, you might be wondering what exactly is Liquid Death? Well, it may look like a beer or some crazy energy drink, but it's not. Liquid Death is actually a healthy beverage brand that makes mountain spring water. Okay, but why would a healthy beverage be called Liquid Death? Because Liquid Death will brutally murder your thirst. Now you might be wondering, what exactly is Liquid Death?

Well, it might look like a beer or some crazy energy drink, but it's not. Liquid Death is actually a healthy beverage brand that makes mountain spring water. Okay, but why would a healthy beverage call itself Liquid Death? Because Liquid Death will brutally murder your thirst, and their infinitely recyclable cans are helping to bring death to single-use plastic bottles. Liquid Death also donates a portion of the profits from every can sold to help kill plastic pollution.

Crack open a can on the air and take a chug. Crack open a can on the air? Oh, like me. Tell your audience what your favorite flavor is and what it looks like. Oh, whish, oh Jesus, mmm. This is my favorite flavor. It's just Mountain Spring Water, because I don't want to get Mountain Mantits.

You can get free shipping of Liquid Deaths Mountain Water, flavored sparkling and iced tea 8-packs. Those are delicious. And Amazon, with Amazon Prime or grab a can or a can case at your local 7-Eleven, Target, Walmart, or Whole Foods, or Instacart. Go to liquiddeath.com slash burr to check out all the healthy, infinitely recyclable beverages and find your closest retailer.

That's liquiddeath.com slash burr. Liquiddeath.com slash Burr. Liquiddeath.com slash Burr. I believe in this product, god damn it. And so should you. That just was like, you know, you fucking broke into my apartment. I knew it was him. And.

What? Yeah. I was on the road for like three weeks and I came back and I came to my apartment. I just felt something was off. And all of a sudden I was missing some CDs, this is how long ago it was. I was missing the road for like three weeks and I came back and I came to my apartment and I just felt something was off and all of a sudden I was missing some CDs, this is how long ago it was, I was missing a camera, just sort of cherry picked around the thing

and there was a notice on my door saying like, we have to go into your apartment to check the smoke detectors. And you know, I was on the road for three weeks so like the water in the toilet totally dried up so they just picked through and took whatever they wanted. So I went downstairs to say, hey man, one of your guys broke in and then

he fucking basically told on himself. He goes, I don't appreciate, he goes, first thing was, oh my God, I'm sorry. He goes, I don't appreciate you coming down there, kids. It's like, dude, you might as well just admitted that you're in on it. You know, so then. And you're playing my Zeppelin bootleg, by the way.

Yeah, so then my, yeah, oh yeah, and I can tell you're a rap fanppelin bootleg by the way Yes, and then my yeah Oh, yeah, I tell you're a rap fan because you left all the rock shit behind and you fucking took all the biggie, right? So my girlfriend at the time was like going like you should go fuck up his car And I was just like it's like that's a bitch move I know if I'm not gonna fight this guy and I just sat there trying to think How can I get this guy back and not go to jail or get sued myself? And there really was no solution.

Because I called the cops and they're like, well, unless you caught him in the act, but Bob, we can dust for fingerprints. And what he said to me, he goes, I have all the power. He literally said that and thinking, dude, like, you think I was, oh my God, the anger that I had towards this guy. And then I just had to go like, all right,

I know where I'm going in my career. This guy manages this bill, and he was a miserable motherfucker. So I had to be like, all right, this miserable fuck took his life out on me. Now I can get dragged into his life, or I can just fucking walk away from this shit. I'm not gonna go do some petty chick shit

and go fucking scratch up his car or anything. And I'm also not gonna fight the guy because he was a little bit bigger than I was so then it's like you're gonna break my apartment and I'm gonna lose a fight. Now I've doubled down. Never fight someone who has nothing to lose. Well you know what I did is I just sort of stood there

and when the next people came in to rent I told them what the situation is and I said blah blah blah and then I turned around and said listen, I'm a comedian, I'm gonna put the situation is, and I said blah, blah, blah, and then I turned around and said, listen, I'm a comedian, I'm gonna put a lawn chair there, and I'm gonna be there fucking every day, ruining your life, so go fuck yourself is what I said. And in my head I knew it was bullshit, I had to go on the road the next day.

So what I did was I just found another apartment, I took it as a loss, you know? You walk away. You walk away, you just gotta like walk away. Yeah, and the earlier you figure that out in life, that some fights aren't worth fighting, it's so much easier on your stress level. You can just like, hey, you know,

to just keep the, my life is good, why am I gonna bring this stress into it? To alleviate the level of stress as many as you can. That's why I'm like, I'm gonna get upset with this guy. I'm just gonna go have a pizza. I could yell at this guy for an hour, but it's like, what's that gonna do? Yeah, and what'd he do?

He took a camera, he took some fuckin' pizza. The only thing that sucked was one of the, it was, the camera had old Soldier Field with the facade behind me before they dropped that bowl in there. So that, and then I also had gone to Lambeau for a pre-season game. Brett Favre's still there.

They were playing the Browns. I think the first version of the Browns. It was a long time ago. It was one of those, actually a camera camera, so it was in there. And he had the camera, he had the camera. Because the film was still in it. But he hid the camera.

Your camera wasn't sitting there. No, no, I didn't see any of the stolen shit, but just the way he came at me. But I gotta be honest, telling you that story and knowing I did nothing about it, which is, yo, that's the bitch move. I would've done this and I would've done that. And it's just like all these years later,

where I'm at, where the fuck is he at, it was like, it was the move. Yeah. It was the move. He stole CDs. Who wants a CD anymore? Nobody, he's got a camera. I got a camera in my phone.

And I could've gone to jail for assault, I could have lost the fight, he could have hit me, I could have fell down some stairs, like something really bad could happen over stuff. You know, so. No, it's always better to take the high road. I'm always like, if you're in a fight after high school, and no one's attacking your wife or your kid or your dog,

you're a moron. I mean, that's fucked up. You know what I mean? It's like, really. I'll be honest with you, that is a great setup for a good chunk of material. I need some new stuff. Dude, you might wanna keep that one.

I left, when I went for Italy, after Souljaws, friends, fans, like, that's your new hour's killing it. I'm like, I'm so happy. I'm so happy. I'm going on vacation. First time in 24 years, I land back home from Italy. I'm like, I don't have an I'm so happy. I'm going on vacation. First time in 24 years, I land back home from Italy. I'm like, I don't have an act.

No, you'll get it back. No, you'll get it back though. No, but this is a great thing. And I gotta be honest with you, dude. Watching you going out there and headlining these shows and crushing it like I knew that you would. And this is also the perfect time for you to be out there on the road

where all of this, nobody gives a shit about these unfunny people talking about what comedians should be talking about. That has come and gone to the point a lot of the people that were doing it are acting, oh, that never happened. It's like, yeah, it did. You guys somehow made standup comedy not fun.

Congratulations, that's what the fuck you did. But I never felt that. I never, I never felt in this, I could be out of line, but I'll say this. I, every people like, oh, it's always media people or citizens or non-civilians would be like, what's it like doing comedy? And I go, I literally have never felt the pressure to not say or say anything. To me, there's only two barriers of comedy where they worry about what you say. At the open mic level,

where like some transgender Filipino lady runs the organic coffee shop, where the open mic is, she worries what you say, once you pass that lady, then there's the bar shows. You think read the improv gives a shit what I say? You think any you back past that lady? Then there's the bar shows the you think read the improv gives a shit What I say you think anyway any comedy club anywhere gives a shit where anybody says no, I would say Okay, then Theaters no one cares if people say they're right, okay

But then there's the band of like the big shots that work for like ABC, NBC, they have a sitcom. They gotta watch what they say, right? Right? Way here, right? Right? Okay. If I line just stop me, but then above that is like you and, and, and, and, you and, you know, Dave Chappelle and Rogan, you think Jeff Will's live nation gives a shit what you say? You're filling arenas. Nobody cares. So it's like, there's just these two little bands of the net. We can say whatever the fuck we want. That was almost right. As long as it's funny. It was almost what it was.

What it was is if you had enough followers, and it was like, it wasn't worth getting offended by somebody that wasn't gonna get you any traction. So what it was is you actually were selling arenas and stuff like that, like, you know, all of those stupid things, like fucking Dane did a joke down at the Laugh Factory, and there was all of that bullshit and he has to like issue an apology on Twitter,

all of that fucking stuff, and if you notice, over and over and over again, it was the Laugh Factory, it was the fucking, it was the Comedy Cellar, it was like those two fucking towns, but everywhere else, you know towns but everywhere else you know but also you know I do that thing like you put the fucking you know the phones in the bags because these cunts would like film you and then take the most fucked up thing you said because they were trying to get followers and then they go CNN Fox News they would cut off the beginning of

this shit and then they put it out there and then the douche is in fucking New York and LA and then like, you know, that Huffington Post, those cunts did a couple of things to me, like, you know, I make a joke or whatever and they're trying to like get that fucking thing going. So, I mean, that was my experience or like somebody got like, like would get like canceled and you had the same agent or manager

and they'd be like, well, we'll show and show, get rid of that fucking, they would start doing that. And they would always do it in like a question thing. It was a really cowardly fucking time. And, you know, as somebody who is a liberal, watching liberals doing that, creating this red scare sort of vibe with people. It took me to, till I did Dave Chappelle's thing

during the pandemic where there was a, for my first experience with the phones in the bags and shit that I was thinking because I would literally be on stage like in New York and LA specifically and I would say something and I would start thinking like oh fuck if someone just takes that and blah blah blah blah blah like they've been doing like am I gonna be in trouble and I didn't realize that that was like in my head for like a three year period. And now it's funny to me that people are going, oh, that never happened.

It's like, yeah, it 100% did, it did. No, I love the fact you do the bags because I think it just makes the show better. Cause I think people are just so into the show, they're not distracted. It does, it makes the whole thing, the whole thing is a better thing. I went to something recently and people had their phones out.

And it's like, not only do you got somebody taller than you, they're then doing this. And then what kills me is there's a sea of that in front of him. It's like, whatever clip you want to watch from this, they got it covered. And I just love, they got it covered. And I just love like it's the same fucking angle. It's like you know when you shoot a movie you got the master and then we're gonna come in like this and we're going like this. You got 4,000 people in front of you shooting the master. You got this. This is gonna be, they're shooting the song. Like you could be sitting here

letting this camera crew work for you but instead you have to have it on your phone so you can post it on your page to show everybody how great your fucking life is. I mean, I don't know. Maybe that I have to shut my phone off or I literally, I start thinking about the game and stats, oh, who was the guy who was the fullback for them last year? And then I'm fucking Googling this shit and then I'm getting upset because too many people are on the fucking Wi-Fi. I was like, what am I doing?

I'm at a pro football game or a basketball game. I should be here right now enjoying this and I'm still thinking of like that that internet shit. Yeah, being in the moment is huge. That's what I really enjoyed at the Hollywood Bowl watching you and Dean because it was like they were all away and the Hollywood Bowl is like the epicenter of people talking during a show. I mean I I've been to probably 15 concerts there. Other than when I was too close for BB King, too close for Tom Petty, it was too loud,

you couldn't talk, or it was BB King, and that's like church. Every other time, everyone just talks to, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, it's like watch the fucking show. Yeah, why did you come here? Yeah, it's like, I just wanna listen to Tom Petty, why are you talking?

But for you, at least no one could. They were all, it was literally when you would stop talking, it was like amazing. It was quiet. It was like amazing. It was quiet in there. Because people talk through anything. I mean, literally, it has happened everywhere.

You know I learned how to do that? Britt School benefit. Tony Bennett is singing, I Left My Heart in San Francisco. There's some broad behind me. I go blah blah blah blah. I go that's what I'll remember about San Francisco, living up there in San Francisco. Some broad talking through Tony Bennett. Yeah well you can't help people like that. I will tell you those things, bringing the crowd up and down. I used to study guys that could do that. And the only

way to learn how to do that is to do it. And it's a fucking wild thing because when you first start, it's like dead silence is bombing. But to actually get the dead silence where they're listening and you can actually go and make it uncomfortable a little bit and then keep going. I used to watch all of these guys that I saw do it. Kinnison was great at it. Kinnison would fucking go down like that and just come flying back like that. So I'm so psyched that on some way, I've learned how to do that a little bit.

David Feldman. Oh, David Feldman. Remember him? Oh my God. He's the original of the, my wife picked Tom Selleck and I picked the babysitter. Like that's, you know how a million people have that joke now? He's the first one I ever saw have that joke.

I remember, he had a whole hour one time and he was talking about, you know, electing him as leader for everybody and he just kept going, and as your Fuhrer. And his, like that guy to this day, I still think, had some of the greatest, I still remember, there's certain stand-up sets. I saw him at the original Comedy Connection

on Warrenton Street, right up this Charles Street Playhouse. I saw that guy do a headlining set there maybe a year into my career, two years, like 30 years ago, that I never forgot. I was just like, this fucking guy. And what was cool was they had like, the comics that opened for them, it wasn't these hard drinking Boston guys, it was part of the Catch a Rising Star had closed,

but these guys, god, I'm blanking Star had closed, but these guys, God, I'm blanking on their names, but these were like the level of comics that started the alt scene, when the alt scene was great in the beginning, where it was like these fucking really smart club comics that wanted to stretch out more, but the standup scene was becoming formulaic. They went on in front of him,

and dude, there was this one fucking guy. He was making fun of that joke. For that amount of money, I would fuck the whole cast of the Golden Girls. He had a joke. I forget what the thing was. He goes, for that amount of money, he goes, I would blow the village people.

And everybody laughed and his tag was, I would start with the cop. I still remember that. And what I loved about it, what was so fucking funny was he took like this thing that was like just like this generic thing and then he went so specific that for a split second it was uncomfortable but then everybody immediately realized that he was making fun of that hacky joke. it was uncomfortable, but then everybody immediately realized that he was making fun of that hacky joke. It was so fucking brilliant.

I still remember jokes from that night and sitting back there, and I gotta tell you, dude, it was like watching a whole other level, David Feldman of comedy, man. That guy was just... I learned there's silence. There's something in the silence. He could sit in that uncomfortable silence like no one.

The other guy that I think is, it was really good in the silence, or just stand in there and the charisma is Ron White. Oh yeah, well the thing is you just... He could just sit there and just be Ron White. You yeah, well the thing is you just sit there. But you just lock into his pace when that fucking guy would like come on stage. First of all he's like, he's a fucking character. Beyond a character, come he's got that great hair,

he'd have the cigar with the fuck, I'd say oh dude I'm in, I mean I don't know what this guy's talking about but I am fucking in. Well I remember when that, what was it, the Rednecks of Comedy? What the fuck was it called? Something like that. Yeah.

The Blue Collar. The Rednecks of Comedy. The fucking Blue Collar Tour. Oh, it's because he said you might be a redneck. That's why I was thinking that. Jeff Foxworthy. When that thing came on, I remember, I just remember seeing the ad for it,

maybe on Comedy Central, and seeing Ron what? I was drinking and then you threw me into public. And I was just going, oh dude, this guy's like a old school with that Southern draw story teller. Just fucking amazing. Amazing. You know when you just have your little CDs in like the little folder, like 12 CDs

to bring in on your road trips, I'd be like, you know, 30 hour drives. You'd have music for like 22 hours and anytime you just needed comedy, I'd always just throw in that raw and white. It was like home burned. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. They call me Tater Sal.

Tater Sal. My friends call me Tater Sal. But My friends call me Tater Salad. But I just remember him at the Warfield back when theater acts were not that many of them. When they just coming around, people just started doing theaters. Him just standing there with a cigar and his bourbon just like, yeah, that's what I wanna do.

Yeah. Like just standing there. So they're running around. Fucking George C. Scott. Meets Mark Twain. Like that was literally that guy's vibe, man. Yeah, good stuff. Well, let me say your dates one more time here.

See if I can get them right. May 22nd, you're at, dude, this literally looks like a Russian guy's last name. You're in some place in Pennsylvania. It's. McShangle Agangs? McShannel-bergs? Oh, uh, Love Drafts in Mechanicsburg. Dude, this is like hieroglyphics. I should have been a doctor. May 23rd, hometown boys coming back to Pittsburgh at the Improv. July 15th, you're at the... Almost famous wine, Livermore, California.

Livermore, then he's coming to my hometown, the Patriots' hometown, June 28th and 29th at the Foxboro Comedy Scene. I gotta check that out next time I go back there. July 27th, he's in Lubbock, Texas with the Real Folk, and then he goes down to the Shiny People, all right, and Dallas on July 28th. Da da, ba ba, ba ba, da da da, remember that?

Fucking Dallas, great show. Shut her down. Anyway, dude, so great to have you back on the podcast. I love coming here, it's like, at least we've seen each other the last couple weeks. I know dude, I've been super fucking busy. You're killing it. What am I? Just fucking busy.

Anyway, I'm so happy, everything that's happened for you and your career, this guy's a fucking legit headliner, if you wanna hear a nice unfiltered take on whatever the hell he's talking about, Joe Bartnik. Yeah, I guess. If your wife tells you you take it too far, bring her to see Joe Bartnik and she's gonna realize you're in the right guy.

Yeah, you're reasonable. That's right, yeah. Joe's gonna push the bar so far down the fucking street that you're gonna seem like a sweetheart. I love you, Joe. Thank you so much for doing it. Joe Bartnik, everybody. Go see him, he's on tour now with the killer new 50 minutes fresh back from Italy

He's got the fucking tan and the pasta in his stomach We got a little bit of music here picked out by Andrew them elison We have a bonus episode of Thursday afternoon just before Friday Monday morning podcast. Have a great weekend Could it be my echo? Voice box named Electro Soul was found lost down chain to death Stroll toe to forehands when it came to fresco So close to TOROS came the retro Let's go! I set the pace of preto Foot past the pool we got lots of petro Dress code the beast with a range of peto Born of five troop in the hands of black motel

To move it than art, let me think of frame To me the problem most know by name My life I'm out to stand I found peace in his name I'm on the rewrites of history if we don't change I'm red like an open book page myself I'm divided to your elves in the age of hell Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burn. It's time for the Monday Morning Podcast for Monday, May 16th, 2016. How's it going? How are you?

How's your life? Are you liking your life? Are you enjoying your life? Do you hate your life? Would you like to make a change? Well fortunately, there's a solution with my new 7-part 8-track tapes. I'll help you turn around your life by making me a rich motherfucker. First thing you do...

Um... Anyways, I am in a great fucking mood. It's actually Sunday when I'm recording this. When I'm recording this, it's Sunday and I got the fucking juices flowing baby. Juices are flowing. Blood is flying through my system right now. Heart rate is fucking wonderful. You know why?

Cause I worked out the last two fucking days in a row and my brand new Ger fucking gym gym gym gym whoa whoa whoa my new fucking gym it's finally done I went back and I picked up my uh my truck you know my old fucking Ford truck that I had uh in storage while they finished it they did a phenomenal fucking job I outfitted the whole thing with a bunch of rogue fitness shit and I never fucking show you my house. I might have to make a video. I might have to show you. It's a little fucking chimp. It's a little cute chimp. I'll give you a little before

and after. You know, I might even wear my leg warmers for you. I'll give you a quick fucking two second tour of the goddamn thing. I got my atomic holds up top and I gotta tell you old Freckles, old Freckles lost a lot a lot of what little he had. Holy shit. I went onto the pegboard I felt like you know the first time you ever try to do a pull-up in your life it's like it's always like you were born without those muscles because you never use them. You know what I mean? It's not like you go oh what's on top of the fridge? You know, what do you do? You jump up and down, you use your calves,

you don't grab the top of it and fucking pull yourself up. Your little stupid feet squeaking on the front of the fucking wee wee wee wee wee as you try to go up, which is cheating, by the way. And if you ever made a video of it and you put it on YouTube, I'm sure there would be hundreds of thousands of comments saying that it was an epic fail refrigerator pull-up. Because people like when you fail. You know why?

Because they don't like themselves. Woohoo! Anyways, so it's done and I'm so fucking psyched. Of course there's a few little doodads we got to do. Nia wants an elliptical in there, you know, which is fucking hilarious to me because she could give a rat's fucking ass about this gym until it started coming together. And now she loves it, you know? But what's great is it's the garage.

And everybody knows that the woman, the wife, the fucking lady over there, everybody knows that they get the house, but the guy gets the garage. And see, the women think that they win because they got the fucking house, right? You don't get the house but the guy gets the garage and see the women think that they win because they got The fucking house right you don't want the house The house is where all the responsibility is The house is where the bills come to the house is where the fucking people knock on the door and the cops come they go to the fucking house Nobody nobody goes to the garage

the garage Is fucking it, it's genius. You know, you act like it's a shit hole, blah, I'm gonna go up to the garage. They're like, yeah, yeah, get out of the house. They don't give a fuck. You go in the garage, that's it. Yeah, I just get no fucking idea.

You wait till I get one of those little fucking kegerators out there. Me doing keg stands as I do curls, right? Taking in calories as I burn them off at the same time while getting shit-faced. It's this new exercise video that I'm going to be putting out. You know, I don't know what I would call it. You need alliteration, right? Drunk dips or some shit like that, right? Just to get people to buy it. Alcoholic aerobics, that's too wordy. Too, not too wordy, too too syllabally. I don't know, whatever. I'll aerobics, that's too wordy. Not too wordy, too syllabally. I don't know, whatever, I'll brainstorm on it. You know, all you got to do is just have

a fucking headband on and people will buy the video if you promise them you're going to help them out, right? You have a fucking headband on, they spray a little fake sweat on you and then you know, all you got to get is a couple of hotties behind you just smiling and shit, right? The very least, somebody can jerk off to it, right? The next thing you know, they start flying off the fucking shelves. And then what do you do? You add on to the garage. Add on to the garage. I've told you guys forever, my dream fucking house. My dream house. I don't even know what the house looks like I

just know what the garage looks like the garage don't you see as my dad loved to say the garage don't you see would be three car garage right one for me one for her and the other for whatever my old fucking truck all right and then upstairs they all they'd be an upstairs the upstairs would have a gym it have a drum room and a fucking cigar bar slash fucking sports bar that's what it would be okay one door in one door out maybe a fucking little ladder to go up onto the roof to barbecue, right? And that's I think if every fucking guy had that there's no fucking way you couldn't be a happily married man Because you just could be in the house. You got your kids running around. Everybody's freaking the fuck out. You know, I need a break.

I want to be fucking single, you know, without the who's. I just want to fucking just sit and drink without you fucking people in my, what's left of my hair. That's where the upstairs comes in. And then you just go up there, you have a great time, while you slowly kill yourself, you know? And then with every cigar you smoke and every drink you have, you know that you're one step closer to death,

which is a great thing, because it's a release. You know? I don't know, it started off happy, it got a little dark there towards you. You wouldn't know that I'm a happily married man by saying all that stuff, but I also am, by nature, I am a fucking loner. And, you know, But I also am by nature. I am a fucking loner and

You know I just you know, I just need to get away from people every once in a while and Dude that would be the fucking shit, you know I have a couple of cool fucking dogs those dogs that fucking lay around and like to howl, you know Like a fucking bloodhound Right just sit there watching the game, getting hammered, you know, soundproof walls, you can't hear your family, you're just sitting in there. Every once in a while you look over your fucking bloodhound,

hey Rusty, Rusty, woo, the dog would woo, join with you. Yeah, yeah, you fucking get it. You fucking get it, right? I hope you enjoyed that because that fantasy though man I that's it right there you know I don't know what it is some people want the White House some people want a fucking Oscar and then some people just what would like to be able to get a tan and have a two-story fucking garage that's it you know I'm a part of that third group part of the third group everybody so anyways I

Fucking went down there Used all that rogue fitness shit that I bought and like I said, you know These guys are not paying me or anything like that. They actually sent me those colorful weights now I don't know what the fuck to do with them because I have more weight Than I need so I got some stand-up shows Coming up in the LA area if you're building a fucking gym you know and how do I make this a fair contest I don't fucking know if you build in a gym and you listen to the

podcast and you want some colorful plates, some weights, I got them because I was going to take it over to play it again, Sam's, or play it again sports, whatever the fuck they are, but they're just so goddamn insulting. You know what I mean? If you think that bald headed cunt on the pawn shop show, how we just fucking, you go in there, no matter, you got a bar of gold and the guy's like, yeah, yeah, yeah, you know, how much you want for this? You're like, well, the market value is fucking whatever,

you know, fucking $1,200 an ounce. Why don't you give me a thousand an ounce? And he's like, so what do you really want for it? What, I don't want to fucking smash it over, go fuck yourself. Like, what a fucking business. People coming in, selling their old fucking hair dryers, you know they're ass out, right?

And you gotta fucking take as much out of their crack as you can, I get it, you know what, it's a business. I'm going too hard on that guy, God bless him. God bless him, all right? So playing against sports is the same fucking way. You'll come in with something with the price tag still on it, and they'll go, yeah, I'll give you like a dollar fifty, you know what I mean?

It's just like, I mean, they make Richard Rollins look like a saint. I mean, these fucking guys bust you down so bad, it's like whatever you're selling them, it's like, how about I give it to you for free, but I get to hit you over the head with it first? How about that? Don't give me any fucking money.

How about I just mush it, right, and you're fucking, ugh. I'm not doing that. So I would rather give it to a podcast listener for free, but I'm not shipping these fucking things. It's like... I don't know what it is. I think it's 245 pound plates, 235s. I don't know what it is.

They're fucking big and they're heavy. That's all I know. Whatever. They're free. Free weights. So anyways. that heavy that's all I know whatever they're free free weight so anyways I went down there yesterday I did fucking chest and tris today I did the upper body stuff all the body weight shit Nia wanted this speed bag which I thought

was a little fucking stupid you know what I mean I always hated the speed bag unless you really training for a fight you know what I mean then you go to your fucking cubicle it always seems silly it just seemed fucking disrespectful to people who actually fight for a fucking living like the the level of respect that I have for people that do that for a fucking living just the fucking courage it takes to do that but of course now it's up there and I'm down there. What is it? Giga.

That bull did it. What is it? Did it? That book? That that fuck that is it? Did it? That I'm doing it. So now of course now I'm going to get fucking obsessed with that shit.

I don't know what it's going to do for me. I'm hoping it's going to bring my freckles out. You know? Anyway, speaking of fights, did anybody watch UFC UFC fighting? Not in the red corner. Did anybody see the UFC 168 8 8 8? Um, it was basically, I think the USA or the world versus Brazil. And I think Brazil once again proved that they are, uh, you know, if you want to

fucking get into a fight slash be in the missionary position with another person, if you think you're coming out on top, it ain't happening. They pretty much dominated the fucking night, but except for this one guy, and I'm not going to know the names, and I actually tweeted the guy. I'm still not going to remember his name. He has a very fucking unique name and was fucking, he's fighting this guy and this guy's making all these silly faces when he's going and they're going like the Brazilian dude.

I guess he was a champion or he is a champion. That's right. He's a champion and then he fucking, ah, Jesus Christ, I was having a few when I was watching this. He fucking, he was fucking, he was a champion and he was supposed to fight and he got hurt so he wanted to make sure he was 100%. So he's coming down, he's making all these silly faces and shit and I just remember the announcers going like, look at him, wasn't that like the biggest fight he's had in three

years and he's making faces at the camera and he's not even nervous? Right, all of this shit, right? And then here comes the fucking white dude, he fucking, you know, old Dudley Do-Right, he's got a police officer's haircut. You're like, this guy could have been a state trooper. And he's fucking coming down. And I'm like, all right, well, let's see what's going to go on here. The white dude seems to be in a little better shape.

The Brazilian guy, surprisingly for a champion, has a little bit of a dad bot. You know what I mean? And whatever, they start going at it. And you know, white boy boys taking it a little bit, he's giving it back, he's taking it, whatever. Then all of a sudden, the Brazilian guy starts just running at him. And he fucking eats one, and then he regroups,

and he starts running at it again. And this fucking guy, the white dude with the fucking state trooper haircut, he's backing up, and as he's backing up, he gives him just a little fucking, a little right there, Fred, with the fucking right hook, right? While backing up, and this fucking guy just, he just shut up this guy's hard drive. He just fucking pep, and that guy just right down like a controlled implosion.

You know when they take down a fucking building, and everybody for some reason can take off work to go down and watch it, you know, that's what they waste a sick day on. Like, hey, is there any way I can breathe in that fucking, what do you call that shit, not asphalt? Oh, Christ, what the fuck do you call that shit? Asbestos, right? They can breathe it in. Anyways, he fucking just hit the guy.

He just caught him the right way. I mean, granted, if he hit me with that, I mean, I would have been dead. There'd be no podcast ever again, you know But he just caught the guy I guess right and the guy just went right like a ton of bricks He fucking went down and the fucking white dude just lost it You know, he just fucking he runs over to his corner climbs. I thought he was gonna get on the fence He went right up and over hugged his whole team and just kept screaming. I'm a fucking world champion

over hugged his whole team and just kept screaming I'm a fucking world champion it was awesome oh sorry I just blew out your ears there it was fucking awesome do I got this too high I think it's blew out my fucking ears it was just fun to see somebody like that excited and then of course they said that he was from Cleveland so I tweeted out Cleveland finally won a champion championship and that's why I think that's what I tweeted out or something like that. But congratulations to that guy who I can't put. I don't not going to butcher his fucking name. It was awesome to see it win a championship.

It's great for the city of Cleveland, right? And even though it wasn't a team sport, you know, if you're in Cleveland, you got to be, yeah, well, you won't be thinking this because you guys, you've been beaten down by the sports gods for so long that you guys really are afraid of having hope. But I remember reading about Christopher Columbus when he came over to the Americas, which he thought was, I don't know, India?

I don't know what the fuck he thought. Before he got to land, there was a couple of branches. Before he got to land and he started either, you know, being nice to people or chopping off people's hands because they wouldn't give them their gold fillings, depending on what movie you believe. You know, I always loved that. New studies find it's like,

where the fuck was this information? Was it on a cocktail napkin and somebody finally looked at it? Huh? Did you find one of those scrolls? Was it written by somebody? Hey, by the way, this is what really happened. Somebody just kept it for years and they just let the lie go and go and go and then, oh, maybe, maybe the people that survived what he did, they had their shit written down.

I don't know. I think I'm fucking way off track here. Where the hell am I? Oh, yeah. So anyways, either way, before he fucking got to land, and either was a halfway decent guy or an absolute fucking war criminal, depending on what you believe. Either way, don't you get the day off? You know, sometimes people got to die to get a fucking day off, you know, when you really think about it. Anyways,

what the fuck was I talking about? Yeah, you see some fucking branches and shit. So there you go. But Guy from Cleveland is a champion. All right, it starts with one, so now you gotta be looking at the Cavaliers. I don't think they've lost yet. You know what's funny,

everybody in Cleveland right now is going, shut up, you're going to jinx it. All right, I'll shut up. Just say it. Um, that's another weird city. Part of me wants Cleveland to win, but there's just such a hilarious misery to the Cleveland sports fan. I almost want to see it keep going. I guess I'm going to be happy either way.

I was really surprised that OKC beat the Spurs, considering I never watched, I just watched the Celtics, but I was hoping that Tim Duncan was going to get his sixth ring, just so I'd have yet another thing to say to fucking Laker fans when they bring up Kobe Bryant well another guy during Kobe's time he won six he was a team player that one he really moved the ball around got everybody involved did need fucking 90 million free agents to come in and help him out every fucking year. Alright sorry, anyways let's plow ahead here. Um, what am I talking about here?

So yeah, so congratulations. And um, I was disappointed with the cyborg fight. You know what I mean? I was sitting there going like, yeah I know I want to see this shit fight, I want to see the you know, and you know, I got to tell you the women's fights are usually better than the men's I don't know why they go at it like they go at it like fucking alley cats it's crazy I just don't understand how they can just how you can just kick somebody and with your barefoot and it doesn't hurt you too you know they should fucking have just regular people

like me just go in and do MMA shit to each other and just watch us both crumble after the first strike punch once with your hand. Ah, fuck, you know you put it under your armpit. Anyways, but she fought some chicks. She was like eight, six, and one. So I'm like, what the fuck? She's going to destroy her. This is going to be over in the first round and then lo and behold, Jesus, she fucking hits hard she fucking was just raining punches and the other woman was was you know it was

still who's getting her was doing way better than I would have one jab and I would have been on my back but she was fucking eating them for well for a minute and then she went down and then there was a moment where she was always moving but it looked like she was out and the guy stopped the fight, right? Which he should have, I think, was right to stop the fight. So in the end, when they have the official decision, they cut to her, right? And everybody cheers. She's Brazilian. It's a hometown crowd. And when they cut to the other, the woman who lost, she's like holding back tears.

And she's just looking up. This is why I love this fighter forever. She was just looking up at the fucking, the diamond vision thing, whatever, the big screen. And she waited till she was on the scoreboard. The second she was on the scoreboard, she just goes, I never fucking tapped. I never fucking tapped and the whole place booted her. I never fucking tapped. And the whole place booed her. She was so fucking mad. Which is understandable.

I mean, I can't imagine training that fucking long and that goddamn hard. And then it's just over in like three minutes. It must have been brutal, but I don't know. She was great. She was all hard, so hopefully she'll come back or whatever. I don't know. I was really. She was all heart. So hopefully she'll come back or whatever. I don't know. I was really into that last one.

And that Cleveland guy was hilarious. He was, he was talking to me. He was like, you know, and I know everybody here, you don't like me cause we're in Brazil, but you guys make the sport great. He called them out on it. You know, you're not voting for me because I'm a fucking, because I'm from Cleveland. He should have been, but I'm from Cleveland because I'm from Cleveland he should have been but I'm from Cleveland I'm used to this anyways let's see here I don't know if I have any advertising here hang on one second in the meantime I'll tell you a

quick story you guys are all well aware that the genius Prince died. Did you guys see that? Do you get that in your papers? So anyways, out here in Beverly Hills, they're having an auction on one of his guitars. It's the yellow one that he did. Oh, how many fucking times I gotta type in my fucking password? Come on.

Maybe because I can't fucking remember it. Like, I fucked it up again. Third time to charm. I have to hum what it is or I fuck it up. Can you imagine being this dumb and actually fucking having your own gym? It's kind of dangerous, isn't it? All right, so he... They're auctioning off one of his guitars.

It was the one that he used with the new Power Generation, the Cream album, I believe. And somebody bought it a few years ago. I can't believe it was even for sale, but some guitar collector admittedly doesn't play him, he just collects them. He paid 30 grand for this fucking thing. So he says... I should read this word for fucking word. This is so fucking priceless He and he says like the reason why he's selling it is because you know, it's become You know with the passing of Prince. It's become so valuable That he's actually nervous to have it he's nervous to own the fucking thing, right? Which is fucking, it's just like, dude, why don't you just say, you know what, the guy fucking just died. Everybody's paying attention. This is a great time to sell this fucking guitar. I'm trying to make

money off of this guy's death. Why can't you just say that? You know, there it is, Prince's guitar. All right, I got to read what this guy said. It's just so white. There's nothing wrong with it. You want to make a buck. Just, you know, the guy died and I'm trying to make fucking money off of it. All right. Um, ba ba ba ba ba.

Yellow car. Okay, he goes, I've been a Prince fan since I was a little kid, and that guitar always stuck out to me because it was super cool and stylish, said the current owner. He paid about 30 grand for it. He said, unfortunately, as morbid as it is, when people pass, their items become more valuable. I think something as valuable as this

could be too risky to continue to have in my possession. He's worried about his safety. Get the fuck out of here, man. You're trying to make some money. Give me the loot. Give me the loot. You're trying to make some money. That's so fucking creepy. It's a really cool looking guitar, but I don't think I could own a guitar of a dead person who was way better at playing than I'll ever be. I feel like that should be in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, so people can just go and look at it.

Stay in your house. How fucking weird would that be? Just having people over and people going, is that, is that, yeah, that's Prince's guitar. I would immediately be whispering to my wife going, this guy fucking killed him, let's get out of here. Fuck, does he have his guitar? It would immediately creep me out. But that's me.

You know, I'm a paranoid son of a bitch who wants a fucking two-story garage. Sue me, do I not have any fucking reads this week? I think I'm out of advertisers. I don't know if you guys have noticed, but I've slowly but surely pissed all of them off. Oh well, well maybe I do have some advertising, he just hasn't sent it. Nope, I'm hitting the refresh button, I don't fucking see it.

No, you know what, why are they so sensitive? Don't they understand that if I shit on it, you guys actually listen to it and then maybe you'll buy it as opposed to just fast forwarding through all of it? That's what I try to do. I mean, I'm just, you know, I'm trying to help them make money. All right, now what the fuck are you try to do. I mean, I'm just, you know, I'm trying to help them make money. All right. Now, what the fuck you going to do? Speaking of guitars, you know, I played for about five, six years, and then I stopped over the last couple of years when the downstairs was being redone. And then I recently got back into it. But, you know, this is the deal. I play drums, I fuck around on guitar.

And I've always wanted one of those lemon burst fucking Les Pauls. I'm trying to find one, a left-handed one. I just think it's fucking... I don't know. But you know what kills me whenever I get a guitar, especially a Les Paul, I just start thinking of all the fucking great music I've heard coming out of that thing. And then when I pick it up, it's just like, oh, Jesus. Am I the asshole that just bought a fucking guitar he doesn't deserve? I think I am. All right, I'm going to pause here just so I can just fucking,

if I get advertising later I can just put it in here. Or maybe not, so maybe, let's see. Let's see what happens. All right, pausing here for some advertising that might be read later All right, I'm back did I read anything I Don't know I guess I'll find out later Anyway, so it's only 427 here Pacific Coast time and in 33 minutes the Blues San Jose Sharks fucking game starts and I can't tell you how fucking excited I am about this and I already know how they're probably gonna sell this game it's a tale of two

cities two cities that have never gotten over the hump their fans have had more heartbreak than a fucking blue balloonboblo and a fucking spear through the chest. But one thing's for sure, for one city they'll be moving on to the Stanley Cup final. Not finals as I always say, the Stanley Cup final. And for the other team more misery. But neither one should be ashamed. They've both knocked off between the two of them, the two perennial giants in the West with the LA Kings and the fucking Chicago Blackhawks, right? They're going to do some shit like that. Somebody is going to make it to the Stanley Cup final. I hate that it's the final. I like the finals. I hate when people go, oh, there's only one of them. There's only one of them. It's the NBA. Yeah, but there's seven games.

It's the finals. Right? I'd have no problem with that, plural. That's a great thing, you know, when people go like, you know, all those cunts over there in Europe or around the world go, why do you call it football? You know? Ours makes sense. It's football.

And then somebody goes, all right, if you want to be technical, you should call it feetball. You're using both your feet. Why do you call it football? There you go. it feet ball. You're using both your feet. What do you call it, football? There you go. You dribble right back and forth between your feet there. Why don't you call it feet ball? Feetie ball? Footsie? Why don't you call it footsie? In other words, why don't you go fuck yourself? Anyways, I am really excited about this and what I would like to do, don't you see, is I would like to have

one of my giant ice cubes with some fucking booze in it. Because I booze hard on the weekends because I fucking stare at a goddamn script all week before I come home and booze hard. Who's getting who? My drinking is out of control. I think this is why people have children at some point in their life because if you don't, you just drink yourself to death.

I'll tell you, it's fun. It's a lot funnier than shit diapers. Anyways I am I'm nervous about this one. I'm nervous I had a belief that the blues were gonna get by the Blackhawks I'm not kidding I'm a surprise and I had a belief that they could get by the the Dallas Stars and certainly with the goaltending issues which I didn't even know they fucking had. It still went seven so I figured this one makes sense that you get to the next

each time you get a little more tested so I want to say whoever wins this is going to fucking win the Stanley Cup in the Stanley Cup final but I was hanging out with Bartnik last night and he knows more about hockey than I know about myself and he was saying that he thinks Tampa Bay Lightning, even though their goaltender went down. So we shall see. I'm sticking with the Blues.

Meet me in St. Louis, Louis. Meet me at the fair. I'm sticking with the Blues. That's my team. And because my real team, the Bruins, didn't make it, but I still love them I'm gonna be there again in October and if they play the Blues I'm not gonna give a fuck if they beat him fucking whatever 12 to nothing. I won't give a shit Speaking of which somebody sent me something about um

You know people always love to make points on All the dumb shit that I say on Twitter like I mean how many times do I have to admit that I'm a fucking moron? That you really don't need to correct me. I realize that I'm an idiot, but somebody goes, it's not a lot of scoring in soccer, and sends me like one day's worth of fucking scores. It's just like, okay, well, if you average it out, I think I'm right. You know, you know what's funny about that fucking Leicester City championship?

Do you know how they found out that they won a championship? Because two other teams played to like a one-one tie. There wasn't even a playoff. Playoff? There wasn't even a fucking playoff. Like here we go. This is it. We're down to the final two fucking teams. We're going to play for 19 hours and hopefully at some point somebody's going to put the fucking ball in the net and the goal, whatever, and then it's going to be over. Except there's going to be injury time that nobody knows what it is except for the fucking the refs. And everybody starts whistling. All right. They didn't even have

that. They watched these two other teams play to a tie and then everybody went crazy. That seems really anti-climactic to me. I think you want somebody to fucking kick the ball, it goes into the fucking, somebody scores, right? And then collectively as sports fans, you all fucking bust your nut when it goes in. Yeah, a bunch of people walking around in scarves watching somebody get a fucking tie and then you're excited about that. I don't get that.

You know, you would think that a country that survived the fucking blitzkrieg, like that level of excitement in your fucking life, you'd think that your sports would reflect it. Maybe your fucking grandparents had enough fucking excitement for one lifetime, annual lifetime too, so they just started watching that, I don't know. Or maybe I don't understand enough about the game and I'm just a fucking moron. Maybe that's what it is.

I don't know, I have no idea, whatever. Go get some fucking fish and chips and go fuck yourself. All right, let's read some of this bullshit here that I got from this week. Oh, by the way, I had a great weekend down and before I get to this, I got an hour to fill, so don't worry about it. I had a great weekend. I've just been in a real slump as far as writing new bits just because my life is ground to a halt here. It's like I'm not going out. I'm not doing anything.

My wife went to the Beyonce concert last night at the Rose Bowl and I was actually thinking I should have gone because there's no fucking way I wouldn't have got a bit out of that. I would have felt old. I would have felt stupid, I wouldn't know what the songs were, and she'd come out fucking whipping her weave around and shit. There'd be something I could talk about, right? But instead I went down to the Comedy Store, I did a couple of shows, and I actually went out, let's say other comedians that are out there, and I was just so fucking sick of doing the same shit and trying to make it work. I just

every once in a while if you just go out there and You're just not thinking anything and you just start fucking talking It works way better and it breathes new life into all your jokes. I just kind of went out there and Which is a very terrifying thing to do if you've never done that in stand up because you really feel like you're, you know, do you remember in like the Matrix when Keanu Reeves they're trying to convince him to fucking step off that building and he's not going to fall to his death? All he has to do is believe. Isn't it? Was it that movie or was it fucking Battlestar Galactic and Moonraker?

I don't know what the phone of those space movies, right? It wasn't even space, but sci-fi. He had to like believe it. And if you believe it, then you find if you don't believe it, you actually fall to your death. This is sort of one of those things. But of course you're not going to die. You're just going to metaphorically die on stage. Stepping off the building is basically just leaving your act behind and just fucking just talking.

So I just went out there and I just started riffing on the fact that I made a smart move by not going to Beyonce because you know, when I went to Lady Gaga with my wife, um, you know, I fucking, I mean, she was mad at me for like three fucking days after that one in defense of me, which there really, really is no defense. I watched the Patriots. We lost, I think to the Ravens in the playoffs during the day. So I was already drinking. I already had a good six pack in me. And then we took a car service to fucking Lady Gaga and we went on the thing. And it was, you know, I'm all about seeing the band. I want to see the drummer and all that type of shit. And she on this tour for whatever reason,

it's her tour, it's her choice. Whatever. She had him in like this house There was a fucking house and I couldn't see the drummer. There was like a window I could kind of see his hands a little bit a little bit of his head and that was it and was just like What the fuck I want to see the band and um I can't it was so long ago. I don't mean what the, but I just started telling that story and how I fucking pissed her off. And then if I went to the Beyonce thing, you know, how I would, I would just, you know, you know, when they sang like that independent woman song and everything, just the dirty

looks I'd be giving most of the women there, knowing that they were full of shit and that they shouldn't be putting their hands up in the air, you know? It was just a smart move that I didn't go. My wife still has never gotten over my behavior at the Lady Gaga concert to the point that I actually asked her to come on the podcast to talk about the Beyoncé concert. She just goes, no. I tried not to laugh. I tried to hold it together. I go, what do you mean no?

She goes, what do you think, I'm a fucking idiot? No. She goes, I'm not going on the podcast and giving you an opportunity to start trashing Beyonce. I'm not going to trash Beyonce. I have to admit, she started showing me video clips of the concert. She had it like the way she was holding it. We were on the couch, so she snuggled up next to me, so she's holding it kind of low near my stomach.

Three times I started laughing looking at the clips. And look, dude, I know she's way more talented than I could ever be. I don't even remotely put on a show like her, but there's just something funny to me about when everybody dances in unison and they have that angry look on their face. It's just the funniest, it's just like,

what is the problem? Coming up. They got their arms out, you know, and they're doing that little fucking thing with their head and their feet are running. It's just, I can't, and I can't even dance, like the fucking nerve of me to laugh at it, but it always strikes me. It's just, it's absolutely ridiculous. Something it's, I understand why it's awesome and people appreciate it, but it's also really fucking funny.

To me, I should say. I don't know why. Maybe, you know what, I'm just a cunt. Don't listen to me. So whatever. So I made a great fucking move by not going to that concert. Made a very smart, married a couple of years, getting wise in my old, I just was just like, you know what?

I can, that's, that's the best when you start, you start to know somebody and yourself well enough to be like, you know what? I see the fight coming. You know what I mean? It's actually, it's like slipping punches, which I, there's something else. Another reason why I suck at fighting is you could literally tell me on Thursday, I'm throwing this punch at this time and you would still not only catch me with it, your whole hand or foot or whatever. I just can't do it. I stink at it. So I saw this fight coming and

I was just like, I was like, all right, no, no. And I gave my ticket away and she took one of her girlfriends. So I look good with the friends and all of that fucking shit. And I avoided a major fucking fight. And I just went on stage because I was like, I'm sick of my jokes. That was the point of this shit. I'm sick of my jokes. So whenever I get into these, whatever you call whatever, writer's block, even though I don't write, whatever, just riff and block, I guess, because I just sort of wing my shit, um, I just say

to myself, what am I thinking right now? What am I feeling? And I was feeling, thank God I didn't go to Beyonce because me and my wife were getting into a big fight. So, and you know what's funny? I didn't go to Beyonce because me and my wife were getting into a big fight. So... And you know what's funny? I didn't even make that decision. As Dom Iriara brought me up, he gives the best fucking intros. He said this fucking intro.

He goes, you know, this next guy coming to the stage, you know, he never made me laugh. You know? Immediately people are just dying. He just fucking, he just does that stuff. But you know, people seem to enjoy him. I don't know, I've written a lot of his stuff and just, you know, just making me look like a complete asshole.

So I went out there and it wasn't until after I shook his hand that I was actually thinking of the first bit I was gonna do. And I was just like, oh God, I can't, it feels like I'm gonna feel like shit coming out of my mouth, I can't even say it. And then I just, over the years of just knowing that trick, I was just like, what am I feeling right now?

I was just, I'm feeling, I'm glad I fucking did go to Beyoncé because I get into a three day fight with my wife. And I just started talking about that. And it just, it worked. And then I had this other chunk of material and I did the last joke without even setting it up from the other shit and it still worked. It just worked in a different way. And it was great.

It made me fucking love stand up again, because I was really, not like I would ever hate stand up, but just this whole fucking writing every day. All right. Let's get to some questions here for this week. Oh, look what's back. every day. All right. Let's get to some questions here for this week. Oh, look what's back. Sciatica, sciatica, oh, oh, ah, ah, sciatica. Speaking of which, how great a song is Top Jimmy? I fucking love that song.

All right, sciatica. Hey, Bill, love your podcast. I wanted to tell you about my sister's cure for sciatica live at the Worcester Central. The Providence Civic Center, one night only sciatica. My ass fucking hurts. She suffered from sciatica for years, for years. Her doctor recommended she see a podiatrist, that's a foot doctor for all you civilians out there, who filmed her from behind. What a fucking creep.

And she walked on a treadmill. Yeah, where are these yoga pants? By the way, I don't understand why guys are fucking so obsessed with yoga pants. I've never been to yoga pants. I like just, you know what? I took too many yoga classes. I just know what the room smells like and I just feel like that's what your clam smells like when you wear those. And I know that's immature.

I'm sorry. He immediately saw her right foot was rolling out as she walked. He said this was causing her problems with sciatica and he made custom orthotic shoes inserts that she wears most of the time. She said this worked immediately to completely eliminate her pain from sciatica. She said after you start wearing the orthotics, you should visit a chiropractor to get everything back in alignment and you're good to go. Give it a try and go fuck yourself. Thank you so much for that.

I don't think I have that issue, but I got the name of a good chiropractor and you know what? God damn it, when I'm uploading this podcast, I'm actually going to go see a doctor because somebody sent me this thing on Twitter. Go, Bill, go see a doctor. Jesus, did we learn nothing from so and so? It was somebody who was on Letterman who had a shortness of breath and he kept blowing it off.

He kept talking to people who weren't doctors and they're like, I'm sure you'll find, I'm sure you'll find. Then he found out it was fucking lung cancer. Obviously, that's not what I'm looking at here. All right. So, I will definitely go. Thank you for that. Number two.

Deuce. Where will Caitlyn take a shit this week? Number two. Hi Bill. I was a wall and floor Tyler for 27 years and my go to for any lower back pain was a gel ice pack and lying on a hard

floor. The gel pack molds to the area that is sore and the hard floor keeps your spine flat. Lie on your back, wait, lie on your back on the floor with your knees bent. Put the ice, now what does that mean? They bend and then lift them up or just have your feet on the floor? Um, you put your foot down on the two, you jump up on the one. Uh, sorry, I'm thinking about Prince now. Alright, um. Then move the ice pack and then try, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. I missed the whole fucking thing. Lie on your back. You know what it is? He wrote a bunch of words

that are all like the same. I have some sort of fucking dyslexia because he has lie like a bunch of times in feet. Lie on your back on the floor with your knees bent. Put the ice pack at the spot giving you trouble. Leave it there. Oh, I know why he didn't have any punctuation. Leave it there for 15 minutes. You can watch TV doing this. Then move the ice pack and then try to feel like You are pressing your spine into the floor continue with the treatment once or twice a day until you feel better I hope this works for you I loved efforts for family and remind me of my childhood and I'm a 57 year old Australian male Love the specials on the podcast. Hope you get better soon. Well, that's good to know

So you're 10 years older than me Well, that should work because we kind of aged Bill a little bit older than I was in 1973 or 74. He's about 11 years old, which would mean he would have been born in 62. So that's right in your wheelhouse, right? You'll probably be born in like what, 58, 59? Yeah, Bill, that's how the math works out.

All right, cool. Okay, Australian Mailbook. Well, thank you so much for watching and please tell more people down there in Australia if you can to check it out. I actually heard a lot of times people say to put heat on your back. Ice, I guess, is better.

Because if you have any sort of inflammation in the nerve or something like that, I don't know. I've been using a leave and doing these stretches. I feel much better and I haven't been sitting down at all. I've actually been squatting like a Vietnamese gambler and I don't know. That's been working for me in these stretches. I still haven't quite gotten it better but I'm gonna go to a chiropractor and get adjusted. Oh Jesus. And you know, that and I also need glasses. Finally given into that because my every two years when you're of my advanced age you got to go get a physical, physical. I want to get physical. I got my pilot's license so you got gotta every you know if you're a younger

fella every for lady lady every five years you you got to renew your medical you got to get it updated so with me it's every two fucking years and I barely made it through and I'm literally like what the fuck am I doing here I don't want to wear glasses I just don. I just don't want to have another fucking thing that I have to deal with. And I also have this paranoia that all glasses do is make your fucking eyes worse. Kind of like ChapStick. It just dries out your lips even more. That's like the big urban myth. And then you get addicted to it, then you got to use it. You know? Whenever I have dry ass lips, I just use a little Vaseline. Works

like a fucking charm. And then I just start pounding waters. And then you're fine. You're fucking fine. That fucking chapstick and all that shit, I don't like it. I don't like it. It makes me have weird dreams. Get that chemical in there.

It seeps right into your fucking face and it goes right to your brain. The next thing you know, you're just running around with an axe in your dreams. You ever have a dream like that? For some reason you're screaming, answer me. I'm just making this shit up people. I don't know what the fuck you want from me. Usually the advertising takes up a little bit of time and I don't have any. 448, another 12 minutes and then the game starts. Oh and I

got another 15 minutes here. Fuck. Well thank you thank God for Tebow right? Alright grass-killer neighbor. Alright fantasy revenge advice. Hello Billiom I'm a 23 year old male I live with my parents in the country that even Australia makes fun of. Oh wow, that even Australia makes fun of. Two from Australians here. Oh, New Zealand. Oh Jesus. I live with my parents in a country that even Australia makes fun of. New Zealand. I thought you meant a part of a country. I can't read people. I love Fs for family and can't wait for season two. Thank you so much. Please tell more people in New Zealand about it if you haven't already if you got the time

I'm not trying to put you out if you don't want to be that douche Don't be the douche, but if you do I'd appreciate it. All right. So here we go fantasy revenge advice Some time ago. My father was using a lawn trimmer on the right side of the front yard Which is only a few feet from our neighbor's driveway. While trimming the edges, a small rock in the grass shot out and hit our neighbor's park car in the driveway. Our neighbor was already at the front of his house and either saw or heard the bang and started yelling at my dad, who was apologetic. The rock put a small dent in the car, which was hard to see even close up.

When I was told what happened by my dad, The rock put a small dent in the car, which was hard to see even close up. When I was told what happened by my dad, I was a little pissed that he yelled, but I knew he had a right to be upset. And although it was an accident, my dad would happily pay for the damages because he knew he was at fault. Our neighbor didn't talk to us again about a bill or anything so we quickly forgot about it and moved on. A few weeks later, I was at the front of our house and I saw that the right side of our lawn was completely dead. A foot inwards.

I realized this fucking cunt had poisoned the area of the grass that would usually be cut using the edge trimmer. Wow. This guy's got major communication issues. So this incident would never happen again despite my dad telling him that he would only mow the lawn when the driveway was empty in the future. I asked my dad if he knew anything

and he told me he had known for a few days but didn't want to make a big deal about it. My dad is a very easy going guy who doesn't get bothered much. Myself, on the other hand, spent the next few nights fantasizing about revenge. Oh, it looks like you take after your mama. All right, your dad's easy-going. He married a fucking hot-blooded woman and she calmed her down, right? And then you got her fucking DNA.

All right, I like where this is going so far. Even though I'm not a big revenge guy. Your dad's easy going, it's his house. Already my gut's saying your dad's easy going, it's his fucking house. You know? Don't do anything to disrupt it. He said, I thought about doing the exact same thing

to his long, but spelling out the words coward. Oh my God, that's fucking hilarious. I thought about pulling out all of his plants and dumping it on his car to send a message. It's been a few months and I still get pissed off when I think about it, but I decided not to stoop to his level and pull off a bitch move like that. The only option would be to confront him, but there is no scenario in which that would end well. Why why not why can't you just next time you see him just say like dude I gotta tell you something I haven't been on this planet

for a long time so maybe I need to see more bitchy behavior but that's the biggest pussy bitch fucking why I don't do that, it's gonna go. I don't know. I would just say, hey, you have any idea why this part of the lawn died? Isn't that amazing? And I would do that to him every fucking time. Just do something to drive him nuts. Anyways, because I've decided to do nothing and moved on, but it's been about a year and I'm still thinking about it.

What would you have done? Am I justified to be pissed, this pissed, and how the fuck do I stop myself from letting it get me in such a bad mood every time I walk past our front lawn and see the dead strip of lawn? Thanks for listening, Bill. Come back to New Zealand. Your lawn is still dead. Look, I'm not big on revenge, but the great thing that you have right now is you've waited a year. So if you were to do anything, obviously don't bring any physical harm to the person. He does seem to love that car. It's just, why would you do it?

Why don't you guys just replant the fucking grass? That's what I would do. I would replant the grass. This is what you do. Replant the grass and get all excited. And then without him knowing, what you do is you set up a fucking video camera. All right? And you just videotape and you try to catch him doing it. That's the best way to do it, right?

And then he has to fucking pay for it and then pay for the previous thing, the previous time he poisoned it. Like that's what I would do. You know what I mean? There's obvious things that you could do. You could go to a fucking auto zone and buy one of those little catch trays that captures oil, you know? And then in the night you could undo his fucking, let all the oil out of his car, unscrew the thing on the oil pan, and you screw it back up and then he seizes the engine on his car. You can go that route, you know, there's no oil in the fucking car. The key is what you have to do is, he would still figure it out.

See, he can't do this. This is all bitchy fucking moves. You know what I mean? You got to have a face-to-face thing. Or what I would do is I would just replant the grass and I would set up a fucking video camera. And maybe you just say that. Just say, hey, just so you know, if you plant on poison or grass, because I know you're not a man and you would never say anything to my dad's or myself's face you know just let you know I got this security you're gonna be on video and we're gonna catch you doing it okay all right it cost us a lot of money and I oh my god what a f- in a perfect world couldn't you just go over and just fucking just answer the door and you go

huh and you just boot him right in the nuts huh you would then you just go over and just fucking, he just answers the door and you go, huh? And you just boot him right in the nuts. Huh? And then you just take a strip of the dead grass and you just start fucking beating his back with it. That's what the fuck you want to do. You know what? I actually want to do that right now, but you know what? You can't do it.

You know what? Fuck him. He did it to you. He did it to you. Oh, dude, you know something? He did it to you. Oh, dude, you know something? I think what you came up with is the best. Why don't you just write coward? Nah, because then he's going to do something else

to your dad's house. Oh, this guy's a cunt. You know what? He doesn't have the balls to confront you, Dad. So what I think you do, yeah, do the little coward thing and then set up video cameras and catch him doing something else. But then you've done something to him. See, it's just, it's just awful.

It's just this bitchy tit for fucking tat thing. I don't know what you have to do, but I feel like something has to be said at least. I know what you do. This is what you do. You go down to a fucking lady shoe store, all right? And you buy a cheap pair of fucking women's shoes. And next time you see, you wrap it up like a present and you just give it to them. And there's a card in there and everything. and then you just, this is what you do.

You do that. You just humiliate the guy and you just open up and just say, hey sweetheart, just want to, you just write from your heart about what a fucking bitch he is and this is what you do. Don't ever, don't curse in it at all. Write it really nice and lovely. But in that, without ever cursing, just let him know what an absolute fucking pussy

he is for doing that. There you go. Oh, that's, I think that, you know what? I think that's a winner. You know what? I might have to outsource this to my listeners if you guys have better ideas on what to do. There, nobody gets hurt.

You made your point. It's fucking hilarious. And that's a funny, you know, you tell people that this guy did it and they go, so what did you do? You tell them, I went out, I went to a ladies' shoe store and I bought them a pair of pumps. And then you get to laugh. And every time you see them, just wave and just start calling them sweetheart. Give them a pet name.

Maybe you give them a woman's name, like Diane or something. Just, hey Diane, how'd you like the shoes? And just every fucking day, you can just do that forever. I don't know. It made me feel better about the situation. Maybe you can do that, who the fuck knows? Anyways, good luck with that. But don't do any physical harm or real property damage.

That's the brilliance, I must say genius, Pat, myself on the back there. Anyways, good luck with that. But don't do any physical harm or real property damage. That's the brilliance. I'm a said genius pat myself on the back there. Sorry about that. That's what I like about the last plant is that you're not hurting him. You write it eloquently. You're not cursing. There's nothing he can really do.

You just bought him a gift that you give a woman. It's perfect. You know? I'd send him some candy on Valentine's Day. Just, ah, just torture the guy. But you just keep giving him gifts. You know? I don't know what else.

Get him some flats. I don't know. Bunch of shit like that. I don't know. Who the fuck knows? Maybe you just do it once and then that's it. And then what you do, and then right after that you replant the grass. And then you just let him know that you know that he did it.

And he's going to be too much of a bitch to try to do it again. And then you can tell your dad years later that that's, don't tell your dad that you did it. And then years later you tell him that you did it when you have in a pint you guys can fucking laugh your balls off. All right work argument. Hey Bill I work with some real morons. I'm in sales so everyone is a hot headed tool. Really I thought you guys were like funny it always seemed like the salesmen were always breaking balls and being funny.

They all think they're living in a sales movie. Oh, okay. Too many Glenn Gary, Glenn Rosses. All right. We have set accounts and nothing about our job requires us to generate new business from cold leads, but that doesn't stop these tools. So the other day, they're bitching about Saturday Night Live and how it's not funny anymore. That's not really a big deal.

People always bitch about SNL, even when it's good. That didn't bother me. But then they all started saying how they'd be funnier on the show. Oh, Jesus. Here we go. This is like me watching. No, I guess it's not like that. All right. Let's continue. I was going to say it's like me watching UFC being like, dude, you know what I would have done? So this is when I chimed in and told them that it's harder than it looks and that they did not, they did not, they did have a shot. What? And that they did have a shot. Oh, that if, you left out a word there. Said it's harder than it looks and if they, if they did have a shot, having no stage presence or experience, they would end up freezing

up. Then they'd be the guy who froze up, whose face was everywhere. I made the point to them that if they were offered a spot on SNL, they'd be better to turn it down. They'd have a happier life if they said no to SNL. Jesus. Do you agree with this? If you were offered SNL, would you take it?

Do I think that the people on SNL are funnier than a salesman? Yes, absolutely. Absolutely. Do I think that they would freeze up? No, not necessarily. They would probably, you know, maybe a few would freeze up. Others would get dry mouth and still plow through it. Others would ham it up.

You know, who knows? I don't know. If they offered me SNL, I would know that they were in a lot of trouble. I'm a 48-year-old man next month. I think that they like to try to get young talent. I think that window has closed. Haven't said that, I got nothing but respect. It seems like having just trying to write a fucking cartoon where we got all the fucking time in the world to do this shit, where they have to come out with a brand new, you know,

90 minutes minus fucking commercials. Um, what's that, 90 minus 24 to get technical, eight minutes every half hour, that's 64, fuck it, 66 minutes a week, fuck you. There's no way, I've heard nothing but that's an absolute, it takes a special personality to be able to do, to handle that and I would actually be worried about what it would do to my stand-up career, having that level of a commitment. Which is why I prefer to do a role in a movie where it's just sort of like, okay, we got

you from here to here, so it's a finite thing. Where that SNL shit is just like, I don't know when they start or when they stop, but it just seems to be, it's a hell of a commitment. But yeah, so there you go. Did I answer your question? I get offered SNL. Who says fucking no to that? I don't know.

I don't know if I get that on. Why am I fucking stressing over this? It's not happening. But anyways, thank you for sticking up for everybody on SNL I appreciate that all right okay here's the last one from a lady from a fucking lady woman proposing yo baby cakes Billy Burr just curious what are your thoughts what are you what oh just curious what your thoughts are sorry everybody I'm bad Oh, just curious what your thoughts are. Sorry everybody. I'm bad at this

Just curious what your thoughts are on women proposing Love you. Thanks for advocating for pitbulls. Hope to see you soon. Please don't use my name. Well, they never show me your name. Um, I Think that's a bad move on the woman's part I Think you guys generally speaking are more gung-ho woman's part. I think you guys, generally speaking, are more gung-ho to get married than guys are. If you propose to a guy and he's too much of a pussy to say no, and then you end up marrying the wrong person, I think as a woman you should wait for the fucking guy

I think there's a reason why the guy asks It's because we don't want to do it So if we are actually asking then you know you with the most of end up in divorce. You know what? I don't know I Know that could be maybe be kind of cool. There's something cute about it, I can tell you that. Not talking down to you. But I used to always fake propose to Nia.

I used to always go, Nia, I'm proposing to you right now. And she would always be laughing knowing I was fucking around. And I would always go, I propose that we break up. It was a silly joke and used to always make her fucking laugh. I don't know. She was real cute adorable, so what am I going to do? Um, took a special kind of fucking woman to trick me into doing this. Ah, she didn't trick me. Anyways, that's the podcast for this week. I don't know if I have any advertising left anymore, but who gives a fuck?

I never did it for that anyways, right? I'll go out and go dance for my supper tonight. I don't need your advertising whore money. Although I loved it. Oh, I love that advertising whore money. Maybe I still have it. Who knows? That's the podcast.

Once again, I will try to take some video this week. I actually made a couple of ones, but I made one for Verzi and I made one for fucking Dean Delray. So it's got their name on it. When I say, maybe I'll just post those fucking things. I don't have to fucking move my truck out again, do I? Anyways, that's it. That's the podcast for this week.

Thanks for listening. Go fuck yourselves and I'll check in on you on Thursday. Let's go Blue. ["Double Down"] Ain't a damn thing safe, I know the plot So when it comes to being a president I'm servicin' A piece of my future not alone, an' east of my plot Son of my past, a lot, son of days, runnin' my class, a doc Connectin' to the source without a human plot, watch No need for price, that act don't play right I got limited evidence, a safe right Corners are big in the process, a focus and ominous outlets

Ain't no stoppin' inside of your stock or the pride of your database Time to recalibrate what is progress, fall in line and be great It's a threat to your common state, shift of debate Join the party, the property coming to all lives and safe houses Nothing is sacred, I'm almost sedated to play out You can move out of your way now Break the, break the, break the, break the, break the, break the, break the, break the, break the, break the, break the, break the, break the, break the, break the, break the, break the, break the, break the, break the, break the, break the, break the, break the, break the, break the, break the, break the, break the, break the, break the, break the, break the, break the, break the, break the, break the, break the, break the, break the, break the, break the, break the, break the, break the, break the, break the, break the, break the, break the, break the, break the, break the, break the, break the, break the, break the, break the, break the, break the, break the, break the, break the, break the, break the, break the, break the, break the, break the, break the, break the, break the, break the, break the, break the, break the, break the, break the, break the, break the, break the, break the, break the, break the, break the, break the, break the, break the, break the, break the, break the, break the, break the, break the, break the, break the, break the, break the, break the, break the, break the, break the, break the, break the, break the, break the, break the, break the, break the, break the, break the, break the, break the, break the, break the, break the, break the, break the, break the, break the, break Risk and risk over futures now Don't move out double down I'm not playing boxers with the outcome

Understand, less the inner object Don't, don't you dare fall in line Yeah, in the city of Whistler's There's a lot of noise Itching at the boys Whistler's so annoyed Just wanna be you again I can understand

I plan to be poised To put up at the Whistler's The Benefiters The Benefiters The Benefiters The Benefiters The Benefiters I'm not playing boxers with the outcome

Understand Lesser ain't an object The Benefiters The Benefiters The Benefiters The Benefiters I'm not playing boxers with the outcome Yeah, I just say it, nothing ain't an object The benefit to her I'm the man who's with the outcome Yeah, I just say it, I'm the man Be my expert

I'm not playing parts with the outcome I'm just saying Let's say I'm an object Could've been money Could've been my expert Could've been money Could've been my expert I'm not playing parts with the outcome I'm not playing parts that put the outcome here, understand? Let me in the house, yeah