Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 1-10-19

Episode Date: January 10, 2019

Bill rambles with Paul Virzi about Luxury, travel, and a gay man with a little hat.

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On you! How are you? I am in Warsaw, Poland And I actually have a special guest My only friend here The only person I really know in Poland Mr. Paul Verzi Paul, how are you?

How are you, Bill? Thanks for having me here Excellent, maybe I'll do it like this I'll just sit there and I'll try to move this Because I don't have the equipment that I need Paul Yeah Since we last spoke Well, it's been a long time since you've been on the podcast

But this week we've been to Germany, Estonia, Latvia, Hungary and Poland Yeah And it's been a great time Hands down, Budapest Hands down, Budapest Hands down, Budapest Budapest, last night Budapest was Budapest was, they were all great

But Budapest was so good last night I was on stage And I had that thought in my head Like, dude, I think I'd take a special here That was, that felt like a hot American crowd It didn't matter where you, like, it didn't matter where you were in Hungary They were ready, it was great Latvia was the best heckles Latvia, I enjoyed Latvia

The one, the one, you know There was a couple times in Latvia where you felt alone up there But dude, Estonia Well, ten minutes before I go on stage And granted, I'm going, obviously I'm going cold The only thing I got is Kenny going We have a space, you're really gonna love them Club soda Kenny, shout out to him

He brings me up and Ten minutes before I go up the guy goes Yeah, stand-ups only been here for eight years They got introduced in 2010 And I was like, that's a little unnerving to hear before you go out there But like, yeah, they were dressed up really nice The theater was beautiful And you go into something and it was just

It's like you said, man, those Baltic states It was fucking a little It does a little bit something like, definitely They're very, very fucking smart And logical Estonia was like the best looking crowd They were like dressed so nicely I felt like, I felt like out of place

The theater was too nice for what we were saying Yeah But Munich was also like Budapest By the way, Munich And Budapest were For fucking, in Munich It was a 330 show when they were a hot crowd But all of them have been

Great, but like those were the two cities That you didn't have to even think that you were You were over somewhere, but like So anyways, I've been on the road with Burzi now For like a week, and I'm a moody son of a bitch So I know I'm driving him nuts But You know what's funny is, dude, your way of talking

Like I was just joking, like, what did you just say? Like, volume it up Volume up Yeah, you said volume it up Like I was trying to figure out, because the recording seemed like You just have your own way of speaking And I have to try to figure out what the fuck you're talking about I'm like, this is coming too

And you're just going like, well, you know, just volume it up Well Like volume it, you mean turn up the volume Oh, no, no, you just Before you came in What did you say? Wipe it down with windex? They windexed it down Well, imagine if they went, yeah

Well, you know the thing is too, me and my mother I got this from my mother My mother always says Like, turn the lights We don't say turn the lights on and off We say No, not cut the lights, what is it Oh, fuck, I forgot

I have another thing my wife goes, I never heard that Turn the lights up, no, turn the lights Off Your language is so crazy, you don't even know what you're saying Yeah, I don't say turn the lights The way that other people do Do the funniest shit today, so we're leaving Budapest Oh, this is great

And we've been taking these small propeller planes and shit Because, you know, there's short little flights here And so it's one of those deals You go to the gate and then you get on a bus And then you take the bus out to the propeller plane And they're, you know what I like about them They don't give a fuck, if your bag doesn't fit They're like, just shove it under the seats

Stick it on the seat next to you, it's not like this fucking Post 9-11, you know Why are you being hostile, get your bag off The fucking plane, the way they are in the States So, I get on the thing The bus, Verzi got on the bus first And I said, and he had a weird looking face What's up, he said, dude, you just missed it

This guy just asked me to sit next to him Like some total gay shit Like pat the seat next to him Like saw Paul, and he pat on the seat or whatever Right? So I'm like, really? Maybe it's like a European thing or whatever But I did think it was weird because the bus was so big

And there was all these seats So then later Verzi's looking at the guy And he's laughing at him going, dude, look at his little hat His hat doesn't fit his head And I'm just looking over it And I knew it wasn't Jewish, I knew it was something religious And it turned out it was like a muzzle

It was definitely bigger than a yarmulke Yes, bigger than a yarmulke, so it was the Muslim hat And then we finally realized, I'm looking at the guy And he looks just like Verzi And I'm going, wait a minute This guy's probably Muslim, thought you were Muslim He's in fucking Budapest And he wanted to hang with you

And then he ends up, and then it was funny He was freaking you out And your seat was like 10B And Kenny goes, watch, he'll probably have 10A And then the fucking guy Yeah, he gets on it, he's got 10A But the one thing So Bill was right

But the one thing you left out in the story Is when I did get on alone When he said You know, like I'm For people that don't know me, I'm kind of Like even you said, I get a little too nice with my small talk Like, oh, so it snowed here, huh? Like the obvious shit, right?

Dude, you talking to that kid with the sneakers that went on forever Yeah, yeah, so I could just talk to a stranger, my grandfather was like that Right, so I look at this guy, I smile And he smiles back overly Like too much, and then he goes He said something, I didn't understand And then he padded the seat next to him

And looked at me like, hey, I have this seat Waiting for you, and that made me Like a little weird because it was all empty So I'm going, oh shit, maybe this guy But Bill says, dude, he may think you're Muslim So sure enough, like he said Like he said The guy comes next to me

Couldn't have been sweeter, I go, sorry about the bed No problem, no problem He's over, and I'm just going fuck I'm going fuck, dude, Bill was right It's bad that you were right But he goes, are you Arabic? And I go, what? Because then he goes, Arabic, are you Arabic?

And he pointed to my face, and I go, no And he goes, you look Arabic, and I go, motherfucker Bill was right, he literally wanted me to sit with him He thought I was Muslim, how fucking I didn't want gay You thought he was a gay guy with a little hat That's the funniest shit ever Oh my god, dude

Alright, I want to talk to you Because this is something that is gradually Going into your act, which I think Is going to make you stand out And it's going to be your voice And it is your ideas of luxury Your ideas of leisure Amenities

You're big into amenities Like if there's a mint on your pillow when you come back You feel like That means something And this is why I love working with you Not only that we're friends, you got class Remember back to school You know what I like about you, Mr. Mellon?

You got class because I erupt up from you, buzzy The guy that redid his college dorm Remember he made the college dorm and he knocked down walls No, but you go, you like Your five stars, you know I wouldn't say you're not a cunt About it, but you like Nice shit, you know

I love nice shit Super 8's and Motel 6's Yeah, but I don't stay At the fucking Ritz Carlton Penthouse shit No, but I like working with you too Because you know certain things And I like that, but yes

So I love the little things I love the slippers, I love the chocolate No, I love the I love the The joy that you get out of it It's just so fucking funny I don't know why those little things Cause those slippers, dude

If you got those slippers for Christmas You'd be like, is my wife cheating on me? These things are so fucking cheap They're awful They never fit your feet, but you come in like Dude, did you see the robe? I don't know why Bill, they had chocolates

You would think that I was raised on the streets I don't know what it is But like You're sitting there, we were on the airplane going like Dude, we should start an airline Like that costs billions of dollars And he goes We'd call it luxury air

And I immediately go, I wouldn't fly that You're like, what, you wouldn't fly that It's just too on the nose It's trying too hard I feel like I'd go in there and there'd be like Like a faucet that was like gold But it wasn't real gold, but it was golden color Like look at the luxury

Yeah, all of that shit So we were trying to come up But you would fly an airline That had 25 all first class seats Leathered out all beds This is what we were talking about Right? There's a difference between

Like classy Right There's refined And then there's showing off And there's just certain people I don't know if either one is right If I look like a Ferrari A guy my age can drive a Ferrari

And not look like an asshole You keep yourself in shape And you can tell like this guy's He's into like, he knows how to work on cars He worked his way up I'm not talking about some fucking jerk off Pinky ring type of thing But like a Lamborghini

A Lamborghini is a young man's car That's for like in your 20s Your shirtless, you got like a cheetah On like a fucking leash I feel like the Lamborghini is obnoxious Where The Ferrari is the shit Like if they were people

Like the Lamborghini would be walking around Talking about how much money it had Where the Ferrari guy would be like Chill See here's the thing, my Greek side is the classier But my Sicilian Kind of goes in and is like And we have that battle

But most of those cars are Italian They're both made by Italians though No I know, but that's why I like the chain I love the gold chain, it's like part of me I love it, but I can't go anywhere You said that the gold chain completed you Yes You and Yanis love that, Yanis almost cried

When I said that, yeah the gold chain Just did something, but I can't go Pinky ring That's where I draw the line So I think that that's the Greek where it's like No, you can't, where my father 100% full blooded Italian The whole thing, he just goes He sees like in the jewelry

Would you go second chain I would go second chain if it complemented This the right way, yes That's the high watermark that chain Yeah, I mean I would go one more No, no, no, but I'm saying the other one would complement it You wouldn't then No, maybe even like a little thinner

Than this around it, it would complement it, that's it Oh, okay, just an accent An accent, you'd look good in a chain No, you wouldn't get a chain No, I think I A thin rope, it would look good on you, a thin one Yeah, but then I would start looking like something That I'm not

Did you ever wear a chain with a cross, ever I grew up in the 80s, of course I did I had the, but I wanted the smooth one Around and my mother got me the one That's like that, which wasn't in style then The other one was the total Guido fucking Oh, okay, or the flat one I had, I had, like what you had

Oh, you had this, okay, okay So, um Yeah, no, there's a certain Thing about, if you have A chain, there's a certain level of shit You're gonna talk, there's a certain level Of, you know, there's something You can go out and get, I would wear

Something like that, if I was Playing a character in a movie, but like No, I'm not a chain guy Now, are you a leather jacket guy, you'll wear a nice leather? Uh, yeah I like leather jackets, but not like But I wouldn't get a motorcycle one I get one that was like

Really, like top leather Leather, but it was like Uh, it was, I'm wearing it Because it's cold outside Yeah, you're not allowed I'm not trying to wear it to be like Oh, look at my leather coat, I can't pull it off Dude, I'm a fucking pasty northern European guy

You know, I didn't grow up in Southeast when Southeast was Southeast, I wasn't like one of these I mean, I basically, I didn't care About fighting somebody else until I got to Junior High and everybody else grew And I didn't grow, and then kids really Could fucking fight, once I started seeing people

Getting their teeth knocked out, nose is broken I was just like, I, you know I mean, I don't want to go into this world Fucking slow, you know I have the anger to do this, but I'm going to lose And you know redheads, dude You barely touch us, we look like We fucking fell off a motorcycle

We just bruised so easily Were you ever a, are you, you're not a sneaker guy You're not a, you're not a, were you ever like I like sneakers when I was When I was a kid, and I do like some old School ones, but I got to admit That subset of American culture Where, you know

You're in your 40s, you're in your 50s And you're still dressing like it's the first Day of school at the bus stop Where you have like the brand Like you've made me like Respect Jordans, I like them and that type of shit But it is hilarious to me That we've worked

Some of the greatest theaters in America And you walk out with the Paris sneakers On, and like You know, you chain out and shit like that And to you that's like dressing up but where I'm from, like, oh What's his face, Nate Cordry I worked with him on

On fucking The heat And we were joking about Boston We were shooting there and he said, he goes, dude It's like totally acceptable In Massachusetts To show up to a holiday party Wearing like a Tom Brady jersey

Like people be like, oh, you got the away one Oh, that's cool, I like that It's got the Super Bowl patch on it So I came from more like a sports culture Like that but there is something I think, and it's also, I think it's because Of being in this business Which has so much shit about your age

You know, you got to Always try to look younger, you got to do all this shit Oh, he's fucking women, bitch It doesn't happen to guys too, you know what I mean Like if you go bald, that doesn't affect The fucking parts you get off for So I, as usual My country way

Rather than giving into that And getting the hair plugs and fucking trying to You know, do whatever I steer into my, I keep myself Looking good, but it's just like I'm willing To lose whatever I'm going to lose To not come out the other side

With the fucking ant leg caterpillar hairs Coming out of the top of my head And fucking, you know, face Yank back and shit, and I'll tell you what's fucked up dude Is being in this business long enough You know, you're going to see it right now At 40? Yeah Which you're going to see

The first few people that you start out with Are crazy, someone's going to go legit crazy Someone's going to quit It's weird when they quit At 40 is a fucked up one for people Because people start panicking If they don't have something going on They're going like, this is my last

Port hole to get out of this shit And actually have a legit career Because I have this 20 year gap Now in my fucking resume that I went out And I told jokes and shit And then you'll see the other people That just doubled down There's nothing going on

And then they start getting a little botox You know, the shoe polish Is going into the fucking... No, they start throwing Hail Marys No, it's not Hail of Males at this point But they're definitely throwing the hook and lateral It's definitely a half back option Yeah, all of a sudden

The running backs throwing the pass? The fake puns coming out right around this time It's scary, man The thing is, I might say what we were talking about The business thing that I was talking to you about How you carry yourself In this fucking business Is that thing

Where you gotta want it but you can't chase it You have to really believe in what it is That you're doing and stick to that With this weird thing Where you have to be flexible If what you're doing isn't working But if you're not hurting anybody And you really have this fucking thing that you want to do

You have to stay on that thing And when people tell you no You don't take it personal When they say no to you You keep doing your thing, you keep fucking killing And all of a sudden they start hearing about you Then they come to you Everything that they said before

Is water under the bridge and you have to let it go You can't ever do that, hey motherfucker You fucking said no to me back in 96 Because they're not going to remember it No, and it's not And you're just going to come off and look like a fucking Insecure asshole, yeah I remember when you said to me like five years ago

I had just moved into the house upstate And I remember I wanted to get to Tonight Show I wanted to get something And you go Why the fuck are you auditioning for that? They're going to hear about you and then they're going to want you I literally thought when I got off the phone I'm not thinking you're delusional

You've been in the business longer than me But I'm going like, Bill's 10 years ahead of me What's he talking about? It's easy for him to say He's not in an angry way But I'm trying to get something Like he's there, I'm trying to get something And then like sure enough last year I did this monster set at Gotham

And the booker of the Tonight Show Was there and he was just like Hey dude, just send me like whatever Obviously I want to work on it this year And time went by I was working on this special So it didn't happen the way I wanted it yet But he just goes, yeah, send me some And it was just weird how he did kind of say

I don't even need a tape, just let me send a transcript Like tell me And I was literally like, oh my god, that does happen Yeah, but don't do it, I chased it I chased it right up to about 2001, 2002 and that's when I said fuck this But I did the whole thing when it was like Whatever the look was

I tried to have the look The fucking goatee I got old stand-up clips and everybody had a goatee So I grew a fucking goatee You know what's funny now is now people will look at those things And they'll make comments like they figured it out Which is one of the things that I Like literally people listening right now

You guys are ruining So much shit That you could fucking, you know I saw there was something on Twitter today It was like, check out all these cool clips Of people hanging out in Hollywood And all these fucking amazing parties and shit That no longer happen because social media ruined it

And it's just like And I know everybody goes, oh boo-hoo, they can't fucking Hang out with their fucking infinity bullet holes It's just like, dude, I remember when I came In the business, like that's all you wanted to hear All those stories about so and so Going to the Playboy mansion All these crazy fucking parties

And all that type of shit And the thing was they were fun And now everybody's sitting there acting like Every fucking party There was some sort of, I don't know what Me too thing that happened And everybody just had their fucking dick out and shit And it's just like

It was a total fucking overcorrection now And I'm going to tell you something right now People are going to run from this shit The way I remember the alt scene for a while They were acting like the alt scene Was going to bury like comedy clubs And then that just ended up fizzling out Comedy clubs are thriving

And now all those dudes are slithering back into the comedy clubs And it's just like All of that shit, like any sort of like Extreme Thing like that It can't sustain itself It just eventually, what happens is Now it goes away, it levels out

Because right now The behavior that Was wrong Is going to be reported from here on out And it's like that joke that I do in my act It's like now, whether somebody did something or not Somebody has to get in trouble Like they have to throw a body on the fire

Every four to six weeks Just to keep it in the news I have a theory, I think what's going to happen is I think with the whole Me too thing and everything I think what's going to make it die down And I could be wrong But I think things are going to start coming out about females that did stuff No

That's a fucking pipe dream Because shit has and nothing happens to them Actually, you know what That Nick Cannon thing Why are you being so petty Nick It still was the guy's fault If somebody fucking did that to a guy If those were all guys

If he just said Hey man, I don't want to do this I don't want to get the people that he said in trouble Because all of their tweets that I read Were clearly them joking around They're all jokes, they're all jokes The point is it's all jokes Like Kevin Hart did his, he was joking, it was ten years ago

They just stand up act And they're acting like they heard him say this At like, at a party With no set up and punch on it I don't want to keep bringing this up because I don't want to keep mulching that over Because I'm sure he wants to fucking move on from it But it is like this No, it's just this fucking thing that where

Everybody's going to They get that fucking guy John Legend shit Because when he took a pic Because he wrote music for that dude's movie And it's like he's supposed to be standing In his shower to be knowing what the fuck he's doing Yeah, like you don't know what somebody's done If you went to their party

And years earlier, you don't know Yeah, I, Paul, as well as I know you I don't know what you do Well, I mean I call you We call each other enough to bitch about it I know, but it's not like you would know Paul, at what point would you ever call me I would say, oh, I feel you wouldn't believe this man

One time I took my dick out and I was blocking this door You would never tell me that But the thing is I never did that I should have said you, but whatever But if you knew somebody like that, that would be like How could you have been friends with this guy It's like, he didn't fucking tell me that shit

There's people who are friends with people at work And they find out they're like a fucking serial killer How could you take a picture with this guy He'd already murdered 40 people It's like, well, he wasn't bringing that up when we were Fucking hanging around the water cooler Yeah, you know, too, man, I feel like A lot of these head coaches, we were talking about this before

You got 53 man roster You love them and one of them does something This piece of shit new and it's like, you know, it's tough Oh, yeah, that becomes that That becomes that and then all of a sudden it's like This program is corrupt and everything Everybody new and everybody Not everybody knows

I'm not going to say names, but one comic got in trouble And this guy tried to suggest that the entire Comedy Club all got together and protected this guy And I almost did a spit take It's like the second that guy Got in trouble All anybody underneath him was Thinking is great, now I can get his spots

I mean, they just don't And it's always people who aren't in the fucking business Just they don't understand how fucking cutthroat Yeah This business is fucked Actually, it's no different than I imagine If you're in the oil industry If you're on Wall Street, just all of it

When you're going for something that in the end At least back in the day You're going to have a yacht dude And there's going to be models on it Like your fantasy when you're in your 20s Like the shit that people are willing to do After I did my second show ever In New York City

I crouched and I walked off And I literally was like dude I'm going to be in Like I'm going to be You start thinking you're like oh my god Because you're like nobody can do it You don't realize that there's other people out there You know when you first start doing it You're like I'm going to be a fucking

You're coming to the business The first thing everybody thinks is I'm going to win an Oscar I'm going to have a fucking special And all that type of shit In the last 10 years is I've actually Figured out where I want to be in it So any of that shit I would Love to still happen or whatever

But like it's just like If I could just trap my mind I'm wearing fucking Warsaw right now Like I just looked out there and I'm looking at this shit I can't fucking believe I'm here I can already tell this is going to be like Budapest I remember we were walking around Budapest yesterday I was like Paul I like this place man

These people are fucking cool And I got that vibe from the dude He was over here he was funny I had the opposite vibe in Estonia When I saw the guy and he was like And I was like this might not go the same And then when I got to Budapest And that woman was like oh here

And she said my mother-in-law and if you Throwed her to take this and all of a sudden I was like oh it's going to be great I got the same vibe here How funny that I saw like a key of motors Building and a fortnight poster Which made me think of my son and I'm going They're going to be great here

I told you we were on a train from Munich To Frankfurt And I just started watching people You know and people are the same Like I saw this 80 year old woman And they gave little candies out and the thing And she took whatever her daughter or whoever Didn't and I saw her get her purse and open

Her purse like my grandmother used to do with cookies My grandmother was like I don't know if it was From when she grew up because she came here My grandmother came to the United States Ten years old from Sicily didn't speak a lick of English Would like go to a park and learn English That way at ten years old Oh my god she was

She came at ten years old I think she died at In the mid eighties So she probably I'm trying to do the math I'm trying to do the year when she passed When did she die? I'll do it for you She passed I believe in oh nine

Oh nine eighties so that's like Nineteen twenty nine She probably came in the twenties Is that twenty nine or is that Twenty nine thirty nine forty nine fifty nine Sixty nine yeah it'd be nineteen nineteen Right so she got here let's say Nineteen twenty New York City

Ten years old never spoke a lick of English And then she did this thing where like When we would go out she would go hey Take those cookies and I'd be like Grandma I don't need she would literally take two Cookies that way to wrap them in napkins To put her in bed but I saw this old German So I saw this German woman do it

And then I saw like the little kids And I saw little girls from Germany on their phone I saw the same shit you know I'll talk about a fight with my wife And even the German kids They get it everybody's the same Human beings that's what This trip has shown me is that

Human beings are really all the same In a way which is bad ones Bad ones but this will change How you then view foreign Policy and when they're When they're sitting there Trying to make I still want the wall I don't want those animals I'm kidding

No but Yeah it makes you think like No but this shit where they sit there and they Oh you know Whatever like your idea of Say the Middle East and stuff like that It just changes you're like because there's that grandmother There there's the Verzi there there's the me there

And then what you have is the lunatics At the top and they just get everybody All fucking stirred up beneath them That these fucking people are gonna come over here And they're gonna do this they're gonna do that and all of this Shit so I don't know Talking to Larry's about that that whole fucking Trump thing with the wall is I didn't realize

There's there already really basically there's a wall there There's some areas where Trying to get an area he's trying to get the area The south that doesn't have as much which they're Saying is doing stuff but he doubled Down so much on it that that's why He's not it's like this is the thing like I don't think either side's gonna back down no

Because the Democrats can't back down And he's just getting up and walking out A guy that prideful that tweets late at night At celebrities that don't matter calls single Medians names out as the president United States that guy that said we're getting The wall done and doubled down and promised His thing he can't yeah

I can't tell if he's like Not used to hearing no if it's Insecurity like I'm not a psychologist But however he is Made up Is is he's He isn't gonna back down I love That tweet that you show share demands

Who will just say share what Oh yeah I saw The word that they used all these headlines On the phone share demands Share demands that Pelosi don't die on the Stops tops to shut down and don't die on the Share demands it share demands it

Yeah the pop star the singer yeah The demands it Well share demands That this politician Doesn't listen to this reality TV Star that is now president Like that's where the fuck we're at bill do you Know how funny the headline is share demands

Well what's funny is trump's been Presidents is so fucking long that you forget That this is the guy from the apprentice yeah Yeah Yeah it's bad You know I just like That now people are finally being able to kind of question Financially

What the fuck we're doing over in Iraq because that is the big fucking Thing and that is not that is not Liberal or conservative that is just Black and white dude where it's just like how the Fuck yeah like Your kids kids kids are still gonna be paying that Fucking tab

You know and I think that they should Fucking investigate those corporations That have made zillions of dollars off of this Who I think are the ones that are Prolonging whatever the fuck it is we're still Doing there I don't know I mean I don't know enough About it but I do I do know how to balance

The fucking checkbook and I do See money coming in versus money going Out assets and liabilities And there isn't there's Another fucking business where you wouldn't You wouldn't right now just be completely fucked That's another funny fucking thing about him wanting To build this wall it's like with what money

Yeah Well that's gonna create jobs and blah blah blah Yeah but then you still have to pay for the Fucking wall yeah and he fucked up man He fucked up dude by saying Mexico Was gonna pay for it and now American Taxpayers are gonna pay for it dude It's fucked up but uh

Talking about money no he didn't because nobody Is gonna remember that and all people Do is like getting people Who are for Trump To admit that this This financially doesn't make sense Or whatever we don't have the money Or whatever the fuck it is it's literally

Trying to get somebody who's like a die hard Whatever fan To admit that that bullshit Call that went your way was actually A bullshit call like I would say like Not this past season the season before When that stealer clearly caught the Ball against the Patriots clearly caught a

Touchdown and they called it back Now the amount of Patriots fans I'll throw my own friends under the bus The amount of them that would Have to be they would do Clearly he didn't make a football move The rule is the rule yeah yeah yeah They would say that but it's just like you know

I'm one of those guys all the way along the line Was saying the tuck rule is it's a stupid Rule I understand that they wanted To have clarification or whatever But it's just at the end of the day it's like Dude he had it the guy slapped it out His fucking hands and fell on it it's a fumble The fucking game is over the tuck rule

I remember Tom Brady being like hey man It's a fucking tuck rule it's just like whatever But like trying to get people politically No you see a kiss never To look at people like trying to get like Most of my friends are liberals trying to Get them to see things About the Clintons or the Obamas or whatever

They just think oh but they The best they'll say is they're not as bad as Bush they're not as bad as Trump it's just like They always just steer it Did this fucking argument where it's just like You know if this guy's really a man of the people And he's really such a great guy Why are his first two speaking engagements

With two of the biggest fucking banks out there When all of these people are upside down In their houses because of these fucking cunts Because at the end of the day they're getting Paid by the same guys they got their faces in The fucking pig trough and this is too big for this podcast I don't know why we're talking about this maybe Let's talk about spending money

You could balance a budget I mean you could balance The checkbook you want to know what bill I'm not good at it No I'm getting better I'm getting better Paul told me cause his special did so well And now he's selling tickets he goes Bill I'm not gonna lie to you I'm gonna go through a fur coat phase

I wouldn't I wouldn't do that I actually think that That's too much I do think a fur coat's a little Ridiculous I do However you like him you like when That fighter came in when he goes it's his Fucking polar bear The guy he looks like the Burger King guy

Super fast what's his name? Irish guy Yeah notorious Connor Yeah Connor McGregor Yeah he came out with like a white one and he Just started walking but he did it like No shirt chain underneath like that guy That guy's not only one of the best fighters in the world Shit talking he's up maybe top 5

He could be a great stand up comedian too Yes Yeah I think Connor McGregor but he's shit talking I put him top 5 He's at wrestler level I love that one time when he was doing a You'll do nothing You'll do fucking nothing

I love that one My favorite one was when he goes This guy's tried to give him shit And he just turns around and he goes Who the fuck are you Who the fuck is this guy And even the guy started laughing at me like Yeah I know nobody knows who I am

I was trying to get famous off of you He had all of them laughing I remember Ronda Rousey was on the thing Who the fuck is this guy He'll do nothing and he gets into it He's on there man He's up there with that level but I will tell you this dude I told you

I heard things from people But when he was talking that extra shit Somebody goes dude this is rocking 3 When that guy beat him It seemed like he... Cause I feel like right now what he's trying to do Cause dude those guys are all pieces of meat So what he's doing right now

Is I think he's realized that So he's trying to get on the other side Where it's just like alright how the fuck Can I get the most amount of money Without getting my brains beaten And so he took all that money to fight like Mayweather It's kind of like in the porn industry Where after a while they're like fuck this

I'm starting my own website If I'm going to take all these hits man The money's coming to me Right? Probably a fucked up analogy Taking all these shots Taking all these shots to the face man I'm going to fucking

That's exactly it Alright I got to read a couple of advertising Hey do you have any club dates or anything I got a ton man I'm going to be February through July All kinds of dates I believe my Late February date at Helium and Buffalo Tickets are on sale now

But I have a bunch of dates so go to the... What's your website you don't get any dates That's what I was going to say right now It's all done, the website's new paulversey.com The shows page has all the dates February through 19 and more being added Yes and I can tell you that

When we were at Gotham Oh yeah What was it a month ago or so I went and I did a show for the Mazzillis I love those guys and they were nice enough After we did the gig in New York the month before They had the after party They had the cake boss make the cake

They're just the best guys ever Steve and Chris so I was like I'm gonna come back I'll do a night So we did a night and you were on stage in front of me Coming down So we were having him stretch and paul's thinking Why do they keep having me do more time Bill's in the room and I watched you do

Like 35 minutes And you were ripping and you were Fucking around and I was just like Wow man this guy's like a legit Headliner and I'm telling you dude Hours are gonna come easy Much easier for you Than somebody who is like

A joke writer which is why I love Joke writers because it's like It is for them but you're like a storyteller You're fucking with the crowd I mean I was like I was really like You came into your own dude so definitely check paul out Oh he's a lot Bill

Well you know you've always been a great friend Alright Robinhood everybody My one and only read here Robinhood is an investing app That lets you buy and sell stocks ETFs options And cryptos all commission free

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Alright, that's the podcast, enjoy the music here And there'll be a half hour bonus Material from a Old school throwback Thursday afternoon Just before Friday, Monday morning podcast Alright Paul Stream the special still streaming I'll say this, Comedy Central broke their

Online records, please check it out Subscribe to the Comedy Central app And you could get the special We're going to be putting out more clips What's the website? Is it Comedy Central? Yes, it's ComedyCentral.com But if you go to ComedyCentral.com Or subscribe to the app

And you could see the special there And check out PaulVersey.com for the new dates Beautiful, alright Have a great weekend, your cunts Might be a little bit late because Unless we record when we're in Vienna But I'll be coming back, I think flying back Monday, which might be your Sunday

Because we're so far ahead, I don't know Alright, I'll see you Music Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's the Monday Morning Podcast from Monday January 10th, 2011 How are you?

Hello, it's me Why is that song in my head? Lionel Richie Lionel Richie There's a good looking fella, huh? That was one weird looking son of a bitch, wasn't it? You know with his Jerry Curle

He had a Jerry Curle, a mullet And an afro All at the same time, three of Two out of three of the worst Fucking haircuts ever I think the afro was cool if you were in the ABA, other than that it was probably Just another reason

For races to not get along You know, you're sitting there You're trying to be open minded You're at a fucking sporting event Or maybe at a movie theater And some guy comes walking in with a big Dr. J Afro Doesn't have the decency to put

That Frederick Douglass part on the side So maybe you could look down his part And see a little bit of Jaws Part 2 or whatever the fuck was coming out When people had hair like that And it creates Animosity See, that's what it is

Everybody thinks it's that slavery stuff They think it's the holocaust That's not what it is, it's the haircuts people That's why people don't get along You know, you look at other people's Haircuts and you go, well what kind of people Will get haircuts like that And then there's some little psycho in the corner

With greasy hair and a weird mustache And the shit starts That's how it goes down people You might be sitting there right now going, gee Bill That was really fucking ignorant Don't you watch the History Channel? As a matter of fact I do I do watch the History Channel

Thank you very much for not asking me And allowing me to create your question in my head I do watch the History Channel And there's no history left on that channel All they show Is pawn shop on that channel I don't know what the fuck is on that You know, it's just become like every other channel

I was reading something today Where they were doing a miniseries on the Kennedys I didn't see the bridge And am I really going to do a hacky Ted Kennedy, I think I'm going to And we went down To the bottom of the lagoon And I took a deep breath

I finger fucked her a couple more times Left her in the car and swam to the surface Actually the size of my head Made me so buoyant I just sort of floated unconsciously Your honor Yeah, so they had a miniseries About the Kennedys

And they cancelled it They cancelled it Yet for some reason Evidently if you have a bunch of shit In a storage shed, they want to go down and film it Was that a little social commentary? Is that what I did? Two minutes and 49 seconds Into the podcast?

Did I really just do some sort of What is the state Of the history channel commentary? I think I did Okay, well I have an announcement To make and it's with heavy heart That I have to tell you That my three week vacation

Is over You know? It's back to the goddamn grind And I know a lot of you right now going For the year, well you know what? That's your fault All right? You picked that career It's a free goddamn country Go write some fucking jokes you cunt

Maybe then you You could take a three week vacation And by vacation What I meant is I didn't have to get on a plane I didn't have to go to any airports for three weeks It was awesome I was actually hanging out with some people

The other day and they weren't comedians But they traveled a lot And we just sat around talking About different airports And it blew my mind how much I knew About all these airports And places where you could get Something decent to eat

And by decent of course I mean by airport standards You know? I know whenever I land in Dallas I'm gonna come down that fucking escalator For my connecting flight And there's that awful Mexican restaurant That's right there And every time I go in there because I'm hungry

And I hope against hope That they're gonna have the real cheese And not that cheese whiz You know? That cheese cum That they put on the burritos And every time I order a fucking burrito I said hey listen this burrito Does it have the real cheese

Or does it have that nuclear waste Cheese whiz stuff And the waitress never knows You know? Because who's kidding If you're a waitress at an airport you don't give a fuck You know I don't know Let me go in and ask the chef Then they go in and they come back

So what's the verdict there Uh... What's a good Texas fucking name? Tasey you! What's the verdict there sweetheart? Is it the... Do you have the real cheese? We certainly don't Notting the head

You know? Mind fucking you Notting up north means yes Down south it could mean yes Fuck no Wow we most certainly do not We absolutely don't Ugh with your big fucking Those big fucking

Texarkana Those Oklahoma that fucking huge White girl face That Hugh Hefner loves He loves those girls Those big panhandle faces Huge fucking heads Texas, Oklahoma, Arkansas

White girls Got the biggest roundest Fucking heads I've ever seen In my life Jesus fucking Christ They played football You couldn't get in my helmet You'd have to custom make helmets

For the beautiful bodies You know? Big vanilla titties Huh? That's right Big vanilla titties Yeah Big vanilla titties they got done

The stars at night Are big and bright Just like my big Fucking head You know if I just slap the shit out of any woman I don't I think I can't yeah I think it would be Some chick from fucking Texarkana, Oklahoma

You know? Just get a big 12 ounce club Right? Boxing club Just hit that Big fruit card Of a fucking head Alright, speaking of which I will be in Addison, Texas

Now that I've trashed your women Your women I'm going to be there the last weekend In January So if you get a chance You know Put on your best pair of boots Is that what you guys do out there

Dallas, why am I shitting on this? This is the second week in a row I've shit on people In the greater Dallas area And I still have the audacity You think that I'm going to sell tickets down there? Jesus Christ Is this the Chinese year of arrogance? Because that's what I'm feeling

Anyways So two more weeks of no boozing And I've made my 100 days 100 days I think about you in 100 ways What song was that? Was that a James Addixon song? Or was that when they were porno for pyros?

Pyros Was that Tahitian moon? Is that what I was just singing there? Or was it Bali in my eyes? Am I the Anybody else in the podcast? Am I the only person who ever bought that CD? The second porno for pyros?

I like Bali That song Bali I like the weird high pitch singing That Perry Ferrell does in the beginning of it But I really like the sound of the guitar Just in case you were wondering You were just sitting there going I wonder what Bill thinks about that obscure track

What is it? The fucking last song Second Side That fucking gives a shit What the hell am I talking about? Let's talk about something in sports That really fucking bothered me this weekend I was watching the Bruins Canadians game A horrific loss for the Bruins

We were up 2-0 And then we let up 2 fucking goals Right in the end and lost in overtime But this is what pisses me off About the fucking Canadians Canadians are sort of like They're like Matthew McConaughey's character And dazed and confused

Remember that guy The 26 year old guy Still hanging out at high school Wearing his fucking Letterman jacket Asking where the parties are That's what they're like Still the most successful NHL franchise

In the history of hockey But they have not dominated the league Since We're talking 1979 We're talking Jimmy Carter in office Alright We're talking about the AMC Pacer being a viable

Option for a car of the future You know I just realized because I drive a Prius that I bet If me was my age In 1979 I would have bought I would have bought a Pacer I really just learned that about myself It makes me feel bad

Just to give you a little bit of history Between the Bruins and the Canadians Canadians kicked the shit out of the Bruins For a good 50 fucking years Alright, dominated the league We met them in the finals 7 times And we never beat them And every time we went up to the Montreal

Forum They always beat us and it was like this We couldn't beat it And this is the weirdest jinx in sports Because in 1987 1988 We finally went up to the Montreal Forum We finally had a better fucking team

Well a couple of times we had a better team But we would still lose But we finally had a better team And we fucking beat them It's over The fucking hex is over Oh thank god After two years later

We beat them again in the fucking playoffs You know And then over the next 20 years We pretty much went tit for tat in the playoffs Playoffs And two years ago We beat Montreal Every fucking game

In the regular season And then we swept them In the playoffs The final two games in their own building Okay For the fucking reason They still Always talk about this fucking hex

Like it's still going on For the life of me Can somebody hockey fan Please fucking explain it And don't even say it's because the Bruins haven't won a cup Because we did During that 50 year fucking Drought we won in 70

And we won in 72 That would be like if the Red Sox Won it in 70 and 72 About the curse of the babe I don't know what this fucking curse is Is it because we haven't beaten them in the finals ever We can't They realign the divisions

We've played them in the playoffs We've beaten since 87 We're pretty much 50-50 against them I don't fucking understand I understand it When Dan Shaughnessy says something Because Dan Shaughnessy Like an 80 year old woman

Became a sports writer She would be Dan Shaughnessy Because Dan Shaughnessy never talks about the game Dan Shaughnessy loves ghosts And goblins And fucking urban myths He's everything about the fucking game He will talk about all of it

He doesn't know shit about hockey All right As he actually called for The end of the winter classic This week He said it's time to retire the winter classic This is what I'm more on this guy He talks about how the first fucking

Three years were awesome And how he stood next to Bobby Orr Arguably the greatest player of all time You know If not top two If not top three, if you're a cunt You know The fucking arguably greatest player

Of all time stands next to Dan Shaughnessy When the winter classic was at Fenway Park And he says to Shaughnessy This is what real hockey is This is what it is This is it and it's It's most pure form This is how we all learned how to play

All right and then this year Just because you know one year That you're going to have bad weather It was kind of raining out The ice wasn't good Shaughnessy says that they should cancel it He's such a fucking retard It's like Dan

Those first three years In the middle of the winter What you saw in Pittsburgh is pond hockey At the beginning and the end Of the pond hockey season All right if you have a fucking Played it in your life you dumbass The second I saw that Pittsburgh

Washington game and I saw the ice Surface with those puddles I immediately was taken back to my youth During you know just the beginning When it was just cold enough to play hockey Or you were coming into spring and what would you do You take big rocks should throw them up In the fucking air

See if they would go through the ice And then you'd send the fattest fucking Out of all your friends to walk out on the ice And if he didn't drown Game on You'd go out there and you would skate You know and if you started losing You'd try to trip one of your friends

Into the big puddle So whatever So anyway so I want to know seriously Montreal Canadian fans I'm not disrespecting you guys Other than the New York Yankees You're the most successful You have the most championships

All right And if I had to Rate franchises I would say Yankees Lakers Canadians and then Celtics I know a lot of Boston fans are going to like that

But this is why All right Yankees because they got the most And they've won in every era And then I would go I would go Lakers Just because They've won 10 championships In the last 30 years

That you know Canadians haven't Yankees haven't I mean that's fucking unheard of In the modern era with free agency That's fucking insane So I guess I would put that maybe I would say okay well I don't know Where to put the Lakers how about that I would put the Lakers as the best franchise

In 30 years without a doubt And now I can't even remember what the fuck I said about the rest of the shit all right But I don't understand like What exactly has to happen How many fucking times do the Bruins have To beat the Canadians in the fucking playoffs I don't get it

And we've won We won two Stanley Cups during I just I don't get it I absolutely I just can't fucking understand Why every time I watch The Canadians Bruins They have to bring up something

That ended That fucking ended Jesus Christ almost a quarter of a century ago The Canadians have not dominated The Bruins For any significant amount of time Since 1986

I don't know if I got the Canadian feed I have no idea what But that is the most overrated fucking thing I've ever heard Overrated fucking thing I've ever heard And any time the Canadians win Like they did came back and won there They'll be like you see

You see and but they'll They'll ignore the fact That we swept them for a whole year And in the playoffs the final two games In their own fucking building You know How come the Red Sox how come that thing ended I don't get it

Shouldn't that thing have continued The whole fucking thing doesn't make sense It's just this classic thing As a Boston sports fan Which I'm so fucking sick of First of all I don't believe in curses That whole Dan Shaughnessy

Old fucking lady thing Where it's such a pussy way Of looking things where you literally take Your hand off the wheel You have no control of your destiny Gremlin under your bed It's like isn't it really That aside in fact that Montreal was a

Tremendous fucking franchise back in the day Alright As tremendous as they were The Bruins were horrific Wasn't it that You know Harry Sinden didn't Embrace free agency And he resented

Fucking resented the fact That players were now in control And he absolutely categorically Fucking refused To pay anybody top dollar Whether they were worth it or not Wasn't that More likely

Than that there was some sort of Fucking ghost floating around A fucking hockey arena So whatever So for the 900th fucking year in a row I gotta watch a Bruins-Canadians game And despite the fact that the Montreal Canadians Are not a factor in the NHL anymore

They're in first place now That they're not an elite franchise anymore They're just not And they haven't been They haven't won a fucking cup since 93 It's over It's over Okay

It's fucking over I mean I don't know I mean as a Celtics fan I admit that it's It's over it died When Len Baez died It was fucking over It hasn't come back

Just because we won one since then It's fucking over Speaking of which I've actually started to watch a lot of Hoop And I gotta tell you something When the fucking Boston Celtics I've never seen so many goddamn Ace bandages and knee pads

In my entire fucking life I think they have the oldest legs In the NBA Every one of them is taped from their ankles Up to their hips I think that Miami Heat's gonna do it I actually think they're gonna do it

They're much younger Everybody's dressed like Marcus Haynes On the goddamn Celtics That is an old reference for you Marcus Haynes, look it up people He was the Magical fucking The guy in the Globetrotters

Right He'd slide around on the floor You know, when black people bitch About fucking Hollywood And that type of shit Do white people, you know For the stereotypes and the awful roles Which they've been given

For decades in Hollywood Do white people get any sort of credit For being on the Washington Generals And just being absolute stooges You know what I mean Just going out there Paid to lose Paid to fall for the same fucking trick

Every goddamn night Just looking like absolute fucking buffoons Do we get any sort of credit Can Spike Lee Make a tragic film about white people Who hadn't played in the Washington Generals Can anybody back me on that one Back me up people

What's the deal How far into this fucking podcast Am I 20 goddamn minutes What is there to talk about What do you guys want to talk about I sound like a headliner right now Who has run out of jokes

He's done an hours worth of material in 20 minutes So now he's just going to try to fucking Play with the crowd Which I can't do because you're not here So why don't we read this This email Under the provocative name Corporate bullshit

Dear Bill Recently I had to return some items It was the day after Christmas And I was with a girl I was dating With the girl that I was dating She wanted to return some shoes So we went to the journey store Where the shoes were bought

When she got to the counter To return the shoes The girl behind the counter asked her for her name Address, email and phone number Oh my god, the amount of fucking people Who actually give out that information My girlfriend just gave the information So we went over as soon as the girl asked for it

We were leaving the store I remarked that I thought it was bullshit That she had to give away personal information To return a pair of shoes She said it was not a big deal But I didn't like it Why the fuck would you give somebody All that information

And just in case you're new to my podcast Just say, you can say no Can I, you know, I go out to buy shit all the time Can I have your phone number? No I don't even say I don't even try to make it nice I just say no And then they go, oh, okay

You know, why do you feel like You've got to give them their information You're trying to buy something I'm sorry, I can't sell you this Unless they get your information Well, then go fuck yourself Or buy it somewhere else I don't even need it anyways

So anyways, he goes, next we go to American Eagle You guys hit all the hotspot, huh We went to Cinnabon Next we went to American Eagle Where I had to return a shirt that was a gift That was a long line for returns Why'd you return the shirt? Did it not fit or was it ugly as hell

Or was it both? As I was waiting in line, one of the employees Comes up to me with a clipboard With a little form to fill up Now, is anybody else kind of getting The prison camp vibe here? You're standing in line to get processed And there's a guy coming up

Please, your phone number I stopped the employee And asked her why she needed this information And she says That it was to verify my purchase How fucking dumb are people? You're going to verify my purchase? Well, here's the sales slips there, sweetheart

This verifies it That's it I don't know what to tell you Why don't you hold that clipboard Between your little fucking beef curtains And take a fucking walk down the street How about that, sweetheart? There's no reason to use that type of language

Go fuck yourself How about I fucking grab that ponytail And just... Let's keep it clean this week Shall we, people? Anyway, he goes, before I could protest further She said that I could just put My name on it

On the clipboard When she walked away I pulled out the gift receipt And said to my girlfriend, oh, here it is Yeah, this is what verifies my purchase Exactly The clipboard employee wasn't as far as way As I thought she was

And heard me say Did I read that wrong? Yeah, heard me say this And she began to explain further Why I needed to give over the information This is the part of the email I hate He goes, I apologized To her, and that it was just her company's policy

That she was enforcing She walked away again I felt bad, so the next time I saw her I apologized and said I realized That she was just doing her job, but she ignored me She was probably pissed because it was the day after Christmas And I was causing her grief But she could at least accept my apology, you bitch

I love how you go from being totally liberal And seeing somebody's fucking Side of it to being, yeah Man up, you cunt Anyway, I got up to the counter And there wasn't any further problems The guy at the register just took my name And didn't ask me for anything

I felt as though I had a small victory Against the big corporations Then this week I had to go back to the store To return a hat my girlfriend got Did you guys not make Christmas lists? Or are all your relatives blind? This seems to be a lot of Returning of gifts

This is hilarious You're returning a hat that your girlfriend got Dude, how horrific was that hat? Send me a picture of it If you took one before you returned it Picture one of those A plaid Charlie Chaplin hat I had the receipt

But again, the girl at the register Asked me for my address and phone number I said I didn't want to give that information to her Immediately panic sets in on her face And she says that I have to I said that I didn't have to The day after Christmas And I wasn't going to now, good for you

She calls over a co-worker Defensive and hold to the idea That I have to give over my information In order to return a stupid hat Even though I had my receipt I asked why and they let me slide Why did they let me slide on this before And they maintained that I had

I had to give them my name, address, and phone number So what did I do in the face Of corporate opposition? I caved and I gave it to them You fucking pussy Dude, the second you saw the panic On their face You knew that they were going to lose

All right He goes, I just don't get it Bill Why is the receipt not enough nowadays It is enough They say they need our personal information To verify a purchase They're not, dude They're not

All right All of that shit, all those little save You want to get what our discount store Is creating a file on you They figure out what you want to buy What they can market towards you And then they take that information And they sell it to other fucking companies

Even though they say they're not going to They sell your information Your information gets up on the internet And that's why there's all these creepy websites Out there right now That have all this fucking information about you About how many siblings you have Your brothers and sisters names

They all use that information to fucking Just Don't give them your information You don't have to give them your information And People out there Who just have this fucking Attitude towards these corporations

Just sitting there going like What do they got, you mean as long as you're not doing anything wrong I mean What do I care if they know where I live What do I care, this fucking Morons I don't even I've explained this shit till I'm blue in the face

And then I always get these emails From these people They just I don't know I said something the other day I was listening to sports radio Because I'm a deep thicker And

This new guy Got on sports radio out here In Los Angeles And He does what most people do when they have nothing to say Which is They just start They just go over the top arrogant

You know what I mean Like he was talking about how he wanted to get some Some sort of sports coach or personality On the show But he doubted he could get him as a guest Because the guest hated him And he goes you know Because I disagreed with him on something

He was talking to a coach And he was actually disagreeing with the fucking coach He's disagreeing with the guy And the problem is you know He goes like I'm just like such a good debater I actually end up like convincing myself Of my own opinion He actually said that over the airwaves

And I just sort of muttered to myself That the Confidence of morons Is staggering You know what I mean Morons Think they know everything That's what makes them fucking morons

And like the emails I get It's like people are sending me shit That kind of is backing up what I'm saying And then telling me that I sound like I have tinfoil On my fucking head Which obviously I am out of my fucking mind On some level But I'm not out of my mind when I don't trust corporations

And I don't trust them when they say We're not going to do anything With this information The other day I was in CVS and I go to buy something And I'm like I'm like I'm like I'm in CVS and I go to buy something

And the lady asked me that I have a save card And I said no She said do you want one And I said no And she goes well that's okay And she swiped the fucking thing anyways And I was like lady what did I just say to you Now see if I used my credit card

They'd have my name And then to match up to that Fucking number and what the hell I just bought And just a little bit more information About me I have a question to all you people Who have this faith In these corporations

Why does that person do that Why are they so hell bent On trying to make That corporation less money In that moment They give me this card You know like everybody has those cards So you're not saving any fucking money

It's just It's a big fucking Shell game to make it seem You're not saving any fucking money What they're really doing Look at this hand over here As you're giving them all your personal Fucking information

That they can then use To very least sell the other corporations To increase junk mail And also to limit Your fucking level of privacy The fact that they can put all that shit up In the god damn internet People have been sending me these random websites

Where they have like your name And all this type of shit It's like how do you think That they get all that information Do you think there's somebody Sitting there with a phone book And just typing all of this shit in I don't know

I don't fucking If some let's what kills me If some fucking random creepy guy You know you're standing there Waiting for the subway came up to you Asked you what your name Your phone number and your address was Would you give it to him

No But for some reason you're inside Of a fucking store And there's socks and sweaters And somebody has a name tag Now all of a sudden you give them Total fucking trust You're out of your mind

So sir don't cave in Alright Just say That's unacceptable I want to speak to the manager What they're doing It's not legal yet It's not legal yet but I can guarantee you

There's somebody lobbying for it That in Washington There's some sort of fucking high powered Lobbying group I swear to god Is probably lobbying that from here on out We need to have a law That if you're gonna return a hat You have to give us your name, your address

And your social security number Just so there's not another 9-11 Can guarantee it So yeah you don't have to That's actually one of the highlights Of my day What I do now is when they say Do you have a little savey save card

And I say no I don't Would you like one, no I don't I then say and please don't swipe another one You know And then I try to pay with cash I love cash, cash is fucking anonymous All you guys out there Who are sitting there watching these commercials

Where they make it look like credit cards Are so fucking easy You're idiots You're buying into Exactly what they want you to buy into Which is a cashless society So they can keep track of where you are At all fucking times

And every last fucking dime that you make So they can get their greedy little Fucking hands on it You're out of your mind And you're giving up an unbelievable amount Of fucking privacy By creating a paper trail Everywhere you go

Everywhere you go What you're doing, where you're at You know and the sea of morons Who are going to sit there and go Whoa if you ain't doing anything wrong I mean I guess maybe Maybe I'm a paranoid psycho

You look at all these fucking idiots who do Reality TVs and they let Cameras come into their house And they don't seem to care about it Maybe the average jackass doesn't give a shit But sir, for the love of God You know In the end he says

I'm not crying conspiracy It's very plain to see what they're doing It's not malicious or evil Yes it is, it is malicious And it is evil and it is a conspiracy They're conspiring to get Everybody's information Find out what they buy

And they're lying to you saying that They're not going to share the information They're saying it's not, it is Alright and that's it That's two weeks in a row I'm on the soapbox See people, don't you like it better when I talk about sports Anyways Let's talk about football this week

You're going to hear me say something this week that I've never said before Ever on a podcast I feel bad For Peyton Manning Peyton Manning got fucked This week by his own goddamn coaching staff He played a great goddamn game When they needed a score, he drove him right down the fucking field

If that bum caught that ball They were right in there And even still And by the way, Adam Vinitieri It's a shame that Jets won the goddamn game Because that guy is the most Money Kicker of all time

I was actually joking with my buddy when I was watching the game I was saying that The most pussy Ever gotten No kicker has to be Adam Vinitieri It's gotta be It's gotta be and I actually Learned that there's no kicker

In the NFL Hall of Fame and there's no fucking way It's just a shame Not because I even that I hate the Jets It's a shame that the Jets won that fucking game Because People are going to forget That he actually hit that fucking 50 yarder man

Right down the fucking Middle But I don't I was right there with Peyton Manning When he had his hands out When they called When the fucking cults

Called time out With 29 seconds to go Can somebody Explain why the fuck they did that And don't even say Well at that point they realized that Jets were going to kick a field goal And they wanted to make sure that what They'd have 17 seconds

To get down the fucking field There wasn't going to be enough time There wasn't going to be enough time You had a second year quarterback Who fucking Had that deer in the headlights Look He was overthrowing all his fucking receivers

You take a time out You give him a chance to gather himself For their coaches To give him the next three plays So he can fucking relax And what comes to comes right out In 18 yard pass And when Peyton was sitting there with his hands out

Like what the fuck Are we calling time out for It was the one time I actually felt bad for that guy I just sat there and I was going I think they were in the process Of losing this fucking game Not just giving the game away It was fucking brutal

Absolutely brutal so there you go Peyton Manning did not lose that game He fucking stepped it up That was the hell of a goddamn game And I actually feel bad for the guy That he lost And if I'm going to be honest Now that I think about it

About five, six years ago You know he drove his team down the field And their idiot kicker would talk shit about Peyton choking in the playoffs And he missed the fucking field goal So there's two years Two losses I won't blame Peyton Manning for

See that? Forgiving In this year And I realize this week too That I've been feeding into Exactly what Rex Ryan wants Which is people just talking about him You know what are the odds

Do you think he's going to say something Outrageous this week It's really like Watching Madonna's career You know when you have a woman Who has a mediocre voice And has made mediocre music For the last 30 fucking years

Yet somehow Whenever She wants to be is in the news And you know why because she knows When to take her clam out Alright She knows When to go on Letterman and say

Fuck 38 times During an interview When you really think about Madonna What does it have to do Oh wow look how good shape she's in Did you see when she did the book And she fucking spread her legs You know

Did you see when she said fuck on Letterman Did you see when she did the video And uh fucking Jesus was black And then she kissed him Of course that's what you talk about What are you going to talk about Born alive

Feel like I'm going to lose my mind Really 30 year Career off of that horseshit What's his face Is doing the same thing He's doing the exact same fucking thing Dropped a bunch of F-bombs During hard knocks

That was his Letterman episode Alright he put a wig on That was him showing his clam And then he made a controversial Video Other than that He lost the division Backed into the fucking playoffs

Playoffs Yeah I don't know you know You know what I realized this week I didn't even know what the name of the coach was For the Atlanta Falcons I've given this guy no hype whatsoever Mike Smith I actually had to look it up This is a guy who went

13 and 3 Who actually has Actually has A franchise quarterback In Matt Ryan A quarterback You know But it's not in New York

So who gives a fuck right With that My predictions for the week Pittsburgh Ravens I have no fucking idea Patriots Jets I have no fucking idea Just for the simple fact

I have no idea which defense the Patriots Are going to show up with You know If you realize that I'm not a guy who buys Into hype that's why I have not bought Into Rex Ryan for half a fucking second And that's why also When the Patriots won 45-3

I didn't go well there you go Cause I realized we also lost 28-14 I also know that we suck Against the run So I think if we're gonna win I'll tell you if I'm the Patriots I gotta be thinking I gotta stop LT

If we can stop the run Go up by a good 10 14 fucking points And put Sanchez Into a situation where He feels like he has to make a play We're gonna be We're gonna be alright

That's what we need to do That's what we need to do And I have faith that we're gonna fucking do that I hope for the love of fucking God Because if we don't You're gonna listen to the sounds Of a blubbering jackass Fucking podcast

And that is it So that's it I'm really hoping Oh look at this, look at this I got some offers coming in I got some offers coming in Here we go, where am I Gonna be performing Oh by the way I'm actually in the process

Of Getting a Detroit and Milwaukee date Now I have not played in Detroit Since I did the rich bitch tour With Emily Murphy And Ashley Larry And I have not played Milwaukee

Ever I know I did a college in that area Because a long time ago I went to a bucks game Um But what else do I got going on here Of course I don't get the fucking internet here My bedroom, what the hell is wrong with me I'm stepping up my life in 2011 people

Um alright let's go with YouTube videos for the week Alright Oh here's something I've been watching a lot of basketball lately And Karim Abdul-Jabbar always gets Credit for inventing the skyhook And

I always took that as law and I was just like Yeah the guy invented the skyhook Wow people must have been like what the fuck You know they went from the set shot to The way they traditionally shoot now With the one hand, the other hand guiding the ball And then he comes out with that shit People must have just been like where the fuck did that come from

And then I was looking at some old uh Celtics video and That was sort of a shot that people already took In the 60's but they did it from their hip And it was one of the gayest looking Shots you're ever gonna see you just sort of Jumped in the air, had one leg up In the air, bent at the knee

Like I don't think that there's a physical way to do that Shot without going weeee As you threw it But uh he just sort of he changed it Where he didn't shoot it from the hip he just put it over His fucking head so there you go Um here's a nice conspiracy

Theory one from people in uh I believe In Seattle you go to a seahawks Game they have a large Beer and a small beer and the large beer Is like a dollar 75 more they come In two different glasses So somebody filled Up a small glass

With water and poured Into the large glass and it filled it All the way up it was classic The small glass is a little fat one And the other one's nice and tall So you think you're getting more and you're not And they charge you next to dollar 25 Uh somebody made a video of it

Um what else What other videos do I have here Oh this is one from a new website Uh totally crap Totally crap dot com They got a lot of good videos And there's one there called 5 minute fight All of these by the way will be up on the mmpodcast.com

Um And what else Oh this one is a video Also on uh Totally crap dot com Uh And it's also an underrated And it says underrated ass whooping

So many things would be solved If people would start their kids out right And the name of this video is old school Ass whooping And uh I don't know how to describe this Other than this father puts on a Video camera He makes his kid tell him he's not going to be

In a gang and he starts beating him With the belt and the kid tells his dad He's not the gangs are bullshit and he goes Don't tell me tell it to the fucking camera And he continues to beat his ass with the belt It's uh Sad It's funny it's everything you want it to be

And then there's another video that I saw right after that It's 5 minute fight And uh this fight Is fucking hilarious These two white kids they're calling each other bitch And they're calling each other the n word And I swear to god They might both throw 700 punches

And I think they miss 698 each It's the classic thing where you got two people Who want to fight they don't know how to fight And all they know is They want to punch the other person in the face But they don't want to get hit in the face So they won't commit to coming inside

And they're just sort of punching the atmosphere Around the other guys head Or as I like to say An NBA basketball fight You ever watch how NBA basketball players fight for the most part They pull their head behind their shoulders And then they throw punches Like they're trying to throw a fucking

Baseball from the outfield to home plate Um Alright I'm just really just giving information this week I don't feel like I'm fucking Oh here we go Nope that was from last week Oh for Christ sake you cooked a shit out of it What the hell am I here

What the fuck is my underrated overrated for the week Oh overrated underrated here we go Overrated NFL celebrations Seriously how many times do we have To see these unoriginal athletes Do the jump and the chest bump After a touchdown It's been done so much

It's become lackluster and automatic Remember the throat slash They would all do before the NFL Banned it for being too violent a gesture I remember even Brett Favre doing that One and still managing To come off too white when he did it Or what about the fact that the celebrations

Aren't even Regulated to touchdowns anymore Every sack tackle First down and catch warrants a dance And a hey look at me moment for the player This is the NFL I expect defenses to wrap a guy up and make a tackle Um

I expect the receivers to catch the ball They need to show some class and act like They've done it before not to mention Yeah I'm totally with you on that That hole every time you catch a pass And then you get up and you gotta You know The Jerome Bettis

Was the guy who always stands out in my head Where he would fucking You know his first 10 carries he'd get like 12 yards And then he'd rip one off for like 11 And then he'd get up and start Stopping around taking off his fucking Chin strap I can't stand that shit

Braylon Edwards does that shit You know drops like nine passes And then catches one for a first down Gets up fucking It's the worst thing ever The Keyshawn Johnson When you stomp around and you take off your fucking Chin strap

It's like well I I hate that shit I hate it I can't stand it I've always liked that shit But like the The first You know what's even worse Is when your team is kicking the shit out of another team

And then the other team makes a good defensive Play and then that guy gets up Ahh I'm screaming at the people In the end zone It's like dude you're down 28 to 6 Alright why don't you go back to the defensive Huddle and figure out why the fuck You weren't doing that for the first three and a half quarters

You know so I go with you I'm uh Yeah I'm over all of that shit And I think the worst Thing I saw this year was the Tiocho show Where you had a team that was absolutely Shitting the bed

Yet their two best players had the time to do a Reality show During the fucking During the season You think Bill Belichick would put up with that Do you think that those guys would not be Shipped out for third round draft picks It's unfucking believable

The level of disrespect That that is to do that fucking Show During the goddamn season As you proceed to lose Fucking eight games in a row Oh and then you go On the show and you throw your coaches under the bus

There you go And for those of you who wonder Why Randy Moss was traded for a Third round draft pick that's why Because of that type of shit because it's really It's just not worth it like you ever see a beautiful Girl in a bar Okay or whatever or you start dating a beautiful

Girl and no matter how hot she is She's just such a cunt It's not fucking worth it She's just so fucking high maintenance That's what all those players are like And all those types of sports It's at the end of the day No matter how fucking good they are

They're just not worth it They're just not worth it Kind of like listening to the rest of this podcast It's really not worth it I feel like I haven't had anything to say for the last Fuckin 12 minutes Alright underrated Although it's definitely borderline juvenile

Sometimes I do like that in baseball If you show up a picture by celebrating Your home run a little bit too much You can guarantee he's throwing At you the next time you're up I like that players get to police themselves A little bit. Well sir

Why don't you come over to the NHL You'd love NHL hockey You just basically described Why there's fighting in hockey And why It's awesome And you know Because they let the players police each other

And I know people who don't like the NHL They're going to be like by fighting Yes by fighting It has to be done Okay you got a guy Skating around the ice At fucking 20 miles an hour With a goddamn club in his hand

Okay If you don't slap the shit out of him Every couple of games Severely You know That's what needs to be done Think of all the piece of shit Players that are cheap fucks

In the NBA In the NFL and all that Just imagine if they actually had a club in their hand And they could walk up To your best player And just fucking slam him over the head Right in the fucking grill Or in the side of his fucking leg

You know You'd have to beat the shit Or you'd have to be allowed To beat the shit out of that guy So it wouldn't happen Well if anybody does that Just ban him for life out of the league Well then you would end up with nobody playing hockey

Because I don't know what it is If you've ever played hockey There's something about it It's just a very physical game And at some point you're going to think about it That motherfucker gets you for like the fifth goddamn time You got this club in your hand And you just

I'm going to fucking come over there I'm just going to fucking take two hander Right to his fucking neck But you don't Because their biggest player will come over there And beat the living shit out of you In front of your fucking girlfriend or wife Who's in the stands

See did that make sense? Speaking of which I'm actually playing hockey tonight And yes I do suck I am a pond hockey player I can only go front words and cross over on one side I can only go back to the moment with the full cage You know That's usually a sign

That someone's going to be a cheap piece of shit Anybody who has all the extra padding That's because they know somebody's going to come up And try to retaliate So they want to make sure that they're extra protected I actually wear it because I know That if I was ever going to make it to the NHL It would have happened by now

I'm going to go out on a limb and say that as a 42 year old I don't think I'm going to make it So there's really A point in me getting the required 18 stitches That starts Above my upper lip Goes through my lips and comes down

Remember the Gary Galli one That was the most insane fucking scar I've ever seen Gary Galli Former Bruin He's playing for the Boston but then he went to the Kings He's playing for the Bruins He's in front of the net Somebody gets cross checked

In that chest He hits so hard that both his legs Fly up into the air He's like in the air in the seated position He basically kicks Gary Galli in the face With his skate Just sort of

As his legs are going up The blade of the guy's skate Catches Gary Galli's fucking chin Goes right through both his lips And right up the side of his face And he had stitches From I think the side of his nose Right down and right through both lips

Down That was one of the worst ones I ever saw And You know And I think that's good to conclude one of the worst Podcasts I've ever fucking done I felt like Sanchez

During this whole podcast at no point that I feel comfortable I don't feel like I settled down I feel like all my jokes went 10 feet Over everybody's fucking head And if I could have handed this mic off to somebody For the second half of it You know, and let somebody kick the last joke Through the uprights I would have

Ah fuck I gotta redeem myself Did anything funny happen to me this week? I went out and looked at some houses I think I'm getting ready to go right back on the wheel again You know After talking about having no goddamn debt I'm thinking about just going out and buying a house

Maybe buying a fucking car I want to buy something You know, I want to fill the void Like only an American can Somebody sent me an email talking about How America's over You know, talking about how China is now down there

Now they're gonna be the shit And you know what I say Well, it's about fucking time You know, China How many goddamn fucking people do you have to make Before you can take over some shit China That's the most overrated goddamn fucking

Country out there You know They got like a third of the world's population How the fuck are you Not the best You should have the best guitar players The best singers, the best actors The best scientists just out of sheer fucking numbers

What have you guys been doing over there You've been slacking off Slacking off With your fucking awful food On your dirty goddamn restaurants Do you know I won't eat Chinese food because of that I'm not saying Chinese people are bad food Bad people

Bad people That was like a Jeffrey Dahmer comment I'm not saying Chinese people are bad food I'm not saying that they're bad people I'm not saying that That's smart I'm just saying I lived in New York City

And I used to be a fan Of Chinese food I am not a fan anymore And until they start getting some Damn restaurants out there I'm not fucking eating at them That's it, I'm not saying you're bad people I'm just saying what the fuck

Filthy I'll only eat Chinese food Who's getting who If I'm shit-faced I'll eat anything I don't give a fuck But if I'm sober, the only way I'll eat Chinese food Is if it's a cloth napkin Sit down, nice fucking place

Alright That's why I don't eat barbecue I'm not going into those goddamn shacks With those fucking Flies The size of goddamn Bumblebees I'm not going in there

And I get it, that's the whole Yeah, it looks like it It looks like it It looks like you've been dominated On some fucking level Oh, with the dirty floors And the peanut shells And the barbecue and fuck Chinese food

Alright I actually had some Lebanese food Yesterday Which is just sort of all like Middle Eastern food Like that chicken kebabs and all that Stuff was fucking insane To bully salad Alright, I sign off on that

I sign off on Indian food I sign off on These are all the ones I'll give you That I like Japanese I'll go with Korean barbecue I'll go with that Thai food, I like that shit

Chinese food, I think Chinese food Is the only one I won't fuck with And on Mexican food Mexican food has to be a certain cut Or I'm not fucking with it When you go to some of those Some of those little shit shacks there And they got the refried beans

And it just looks like It's like does the health department Even know this place exists Okay, this is like a restaurant Slash It's like you turn the garage Of your house Into a fucking burrito factory

I'm not eating here Because I'll never get Chinese food You know There's something like borderline racist That I won't eat Chinese food It's like I have no problem with those people You know That's like overly thinking something

What I'm saying is God damn restaurant Is that so wrong? Alright, that's the podcast for this fucking week I don't know, am I wrong about that shit? I just think when I think Chinese food I think dirty restaurant That's what the fuck I think because that has been my experience

So go ahead We're gonna take the next caller after this break Hey, what would you guys do if I started doing commercials on my podcast There's a way to make money If right in the middle of calling somebody a cunt I just did something for like true value hardware Do they still exist or were they bought out by Best Buy? Do they still exist?

Anyways Oh, you know what, I actually forgot Tonight I can't say this shit because I'm No fuck it I'm gonna say it I'm actually gonna go see one of my favorite drummers Of all time tonight

And Jojo Mayer Is doing a drum clinic And I'm gonna go check that shit out And if you want to see this guy Drummers out there, you gotta fucking check this guy out I'm gonna have this up on theMMpodcast.com It's Jojo Mayer performing He plays like that drum and bass music

And it's him performing at the I believe 2005 Martin Drummer Festival It's just a three minute clip He could do like a roll with one hand He's got that push pole molar thing I don't know what the fuck he's doing But This guy is the shit

And I'm actually starting To like I can't get into drum and bass But I'm downloading some of his shit Just because it's played by human beings And I'm actually fascinated with drum and bass Because it melds Both the

Capabilities of technology And then the abilities of human beings To adapt to the technology And raise their level of performance Remember that time when I told you guys About that whole How drum and bass music That whole video that basically explained it

It was like a fucking drum break From a B side of a 45 And then DJs took that drum loop Isolated every sound And then switched it all up And created a whole bunch of different beats And then sped it up to the point That no human being could play it

Until a guy like Jojo Mayer sat down And figured out how to fucking do it It's incredible, it's absolutely incredible I'm gonna watch that guy tonight I'm gonna get my ass kicked out on the ice tonight Playing hockey and that's it I'm gonna be in New York and I'm gonna be doing spots Um

Around the city Before I go down to Atlantic City So I make sure that I am in shape For my big gig Down there with Jim Norton, Jim Brewer and David Tell And I will probably Popping in at Gotham Comedy Club I will be popping in

At the Comedy Cellar And stand up New York in the comic strip And Danger Fields I'm gonna be doing the whole fucking loop Like I used to back in the old days Back in the old days I guess they don't do that anymore

Now they book the clubs a month out And they just want you to work at the same club The whole week, but back in the day You used to work like Three, four clubs if you could On a weekend You'd have a 9 o'clock here A 9.45 at another club

A 10.20 here An 11.30 here all the way to like 2 o'clock in the morning And you'd get $50 a spot And You'd blow like a third of it On cabs just driving all around the city And you'd have a new idea for a bit And

In one night You could hash it out just doing like You know sometimes So I think the most I ever did I do like eight sets in a night It was fucking unbelievable And it just caused you to write Because you didn't want to say the same thing

Eight times in one night And You could flesh out a bit I mean, that was basically like doing You know, on most headline weekends You only do six shows So you would get eight shows On average six

So it was like doing an entire weekend In one night as far as Running that same new bit And it's incredible And I wish the New York clubs would go back to doing that Because I really think that that was The system that created All the great comics that I watched

When I came to New York That's my two cents And I'm fucking sticking with it That's it. You guys watch 60 Minutes by the way That just reminded me of fucking Andy Rooney We watch that every week Me and Nia and we just laugh our asses off On the old bastard

And what the fuck is going on with his upper lip It's receded on both sides Yet the middle part Still is fleshy So now it looks like he has a pimple On his upper lip Alright, I got nothing people I'm talking about fucking Andy Rooney's upper lip

Okay, the podcast is over, Bill Tap out, it's over Oh, congratulations to Pete Carroll I was wrong about that Docker wearing white shoes Jerry Seinfeld Sneaker son of a bitch They came out to fucking play

Worst defense performance I've ever seen With the Saints And I don't know I don't even know who the fuck They're playing next week, I'm just hoping that My patriots, I'm praying that we're going to beat the Jets Because I have no fucking idea which defense Is going to show up

But I'll tell you from the patriots I've got to be thinking, alright that's the podcast For this week, everybody have a great week Don't give out your information to these fucking corporations For the love of God And if you want to, go ahead and do it stupid Alright, go ahead and do it But don't be surprised when

Some psycho you dated from high school Is standing on your front porch And has your fucking all your information Alright, I couldn't even finish that Sent to two kids as fuck, go fuck yourselves I'll talk to you next week Thanks for watching Don't forget to like and subscribe

See you next week Don't forget to like and subscribe See you next week Don't forget to like and subscribe See you next week