Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 1-11-18

Episode Date: January 12, 2018

Bill rambles about JP Morgan, Alabama and cross checking a relative.

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Is it the way you planned it? Is 2018 turning out to be the year you wanted it to be? I'm beginning my transformation of my new fucking wardrobe. Building new clothes. You know something I never took seriously? It was socks. I'd go down to the fucking foot locker and just grab a pair, you know, a package of those things. And I would wear them for like three years.

I don't own any white socks. They're all gray. I don't know. It's just something I've never been into. And then for Christmas, somebody actually got me some new socks and they were great. But they weren't like, you know, like dress socks or some shit. Like, oh great, I gotta wait till somebody dies or gets married before I wear these fucking things. They were just like, you know, they weren't athletic socks.

They were just sort of socks you could still wear with sneakers. They were a little thicker. You know, I'm an old man. I was like, he's real comfortable on my feet. So that was it. I, you know, and then I had him sitting in my sock drawer next to all these sad gray socks that had been loyal for all these years. And all the old socks were looking at me like, Bill, you're not going to move the company to another country. Are you man?

You're not going to break up the union. We've been there for you for a long time, man. I was like, you will get nothing. I owe the public nothing. Who's quote was that? I owe the public nothing. It's one of those robber baron guys back in the day and who even knows if they robbed anybody. Maybe they were just better at business than most people.

Maybe they had it in them to tell some old lady they hit the bricks. She would done with them. Let me see something. Who said was it Andrew Carnegie or Carnegie? Is they say in Pittsburgh? I owe the public nothing over J.P. Morgan. Oh, JP, JP, the original heel. How great would he have been?

You know, I bet if he lived right now, he'd be, he'd be working for Vince McMahon crushing it on the mic. I owe the public nothing. That is so fucking mean, so wrong and so right all at the same time. I've never quite felt, I never really felt one way or another about that one. First I was like, what a fucking dick, you know, and then what happens is you start doing a little well in life and then all of a sudden some douchebag in your life starts giving you shit about it and wants you to give him fucking money just for being there, you know. And you start going, well, I guess I kind of understand what JP Morgan was saying.

Granted, you know what I mean? I didn't fucking create the Federal Reserve system that enslave fucking people, you know. Take it away from this car. I don't want to go down that rabbit hole, you know. This has always been my rule as far as helping people out. Okay, if you're laying in a ditch and you're reaching up, I'll reach down and try to pull you out. All right, but if you face down in the ditch, digging it deeper every day. Yeah, I'm not throwing money in that.

Get your shit together. Okay, get a little streak going, a little streak going of doing the right fucking thing. Then you'll be surprised how much the world will help you out. I would think. But what do I know? I am a privileged white male. I remember when I was born and I was on my dad's yacht, right? And we were talking to the next seven presidential candidates

and they were letting me decide who was going to be president. It's, if you're not white, I'm sorry to let you in on this unbelievable level of privilege. But that's basically what my childhood was like. It was incredible. I remember when I turned 14, I was given my first yacht. I remember that, you know, and I was in a bad mood because my chauffeur was just, I don't know, I wanted to get fucking ice cream and he wouldn't take me there and I was very upset. And I was like, you work for me.

You work for me. And he just ignored me that day and I was like, I'm going to tell daddy and you're going to be fired. And what I didn't realize is was he was under instructions from my father to take me down to the wharf. That didn't sound like a good, rich word. The doc that President Roosevelt gave to my great grandfather and they gave me my first yacht. And I was like, oh, I feel so foolish. But my dad still fired my chauffeur just for upsetting me, even though it was his idea. We'll revisit my privileged childhood later on in this podcast, but let's get back to,

well, let's get back to what went down this fucking week. God damn mother fuckers. Alabama Crimson Todd, one yet another fucking championship. Oh, God damn it. Georgia had a bad among the fucking ropes. And then the second half came along and what happened? Georgia goes right out there and blocks a punt. And I don't, can somebody tell me how that guy was off site?

Can somebody tell me why a bigger deal was not made other than on the Mad Dog show? They blew two brutal fucking calls when Alabama was making a great comeback. Okay. Great coaching decision by Nick Saban to put that freshman kid in a quarterback and to stick with him. And how about the, the start and not being a cunt about it? That was all great. They had that running back that came in. They started using it in many ways in the second half Alabama didn't even just killing Georgia.

But however, I don't, I don't, the fucking guy was not off sides. They blocked the punt. You're looking at at least three points on that drive. Granted, people can miss field goals. God knows Alabama knows about that. Come the end of the game. Then they missed the face mask call and they call it ticky tack pass interference on third and nine. Those are the games when you're rooting for your teams getting fucked.

You literally sit there going like, this is literally, it's just a TV, it's a TV show. You can't have one team just beat the shit out of the other team. Everybody's going to turn the channel. It was unreal. That football game was like watching an episode of the super friends back in the day. Right. Every fucking episode was the exact same with the super friends. Okay.

Something would happen. And then all of a sudden it just looked like, you know, whatever. Superman had kryptonite around his neck. Batman and Robin were tied together and not like they, like they cared, but you know, tying down head towards a buzz saw and all that type of shit. And then something would happen. That stupid fucking monkey from the Wonder Twins would do something. And the second they played that song. And then I remember I would get a sense of relief.

Every time I was watching that cartoon, I'm like, Oh fuck, is this the episode Superman dies? I mean, I was young. I didn't know any better. And the second they would start playing that song, I knew that they were, they were going to make their comeback. That's what the Alabama fucking band should have been playing when they, when Alabama came running out in the fucking second half. Maybe when they called off sides on that block punt. You got to give it up to Alabama, even though I'm kind of being a cunt, bringing those things up. But hey, I mean, that did happen.

That was bullshit. The guy didn't even fucking move. I don't know. Maybe, maybe the referee had a better angle. I don't know. I don't, I don't get how you miss a face mask when it was done to the guy carrying the football. I mean, the whole fucking stadiums looking at the guy, his head turns around. We didn't say it.

Here's what I want to know. Who's more hateable, Bill Belichick or Nick Saban? And secondly, why do you hate them? Like everyone says Nick Saban is the devil. Why is he the devil? Because he's so good at what he does. You know, I don't know. I think the media fucking hates Bill Belichick because he makes that job so fucking difficult because he knows that if he opens his mouth,

the media is going to make his job more difficult by exaggerating anything that he said, given the other team bulletin board material. Um, masterful the way he handles the press. He gives them nothing. He looks at them and he's like you people are not my fucking friends. I am required by the NFL to stand here and answer your questions, but I am not required to give you anything more than two fucking syllables per question. All right.

I love it. I love it. I wish more coaches would do that. More players would do that. You know, Shaq used to do it. You ever seen Shaq like when he's doing like on TBS or whatever, TNT, whoever does the fucking NBA? Just total nice guy, affable, gregarious, dare I say, right? Remember when he would do like he's talking, joking around, animated and all that.

I wouldn't use to do those interviews at the end of the game. He'd just be like, well, Kobe gave me the ball. I tried to put it there, transition gear. He just went into like power there. Uh, you see on any other show, it was like a completely different guy. That's what you learn after you get burned by those fucking non-athletic fat fuck cunts that are in the sports media. You know, and this is what I can't stand about them is they choose themselves, their own self-preservation over any sort of loyalty towards the home team. You know, the local Boston sports media sitting there fanning the flames of that fucking horseshit about Tom Brady's personal assistant, whatever, not personal assistant, his fucking personal trainer.

Can you fucking believe they tried that, that's all they could get. And then they were like, well, whatever, man, we got a spark blow on it. And what kills me is fucking Patriots fans will continue to listen to those sports shows. Second I hear that, I go, fuck these guys. Well, Bill, I mean, we're in the media. It is a story. We have to address it. Do you?

Um, do you just have to say what everybody else is saying? Is that what you're required to do? Oh, Bill, what happened? You started off in such a good mood. Um, so Nick Saban now has, uh, he has six championships. Never was doing his six championships. He's 66 years old, 666. He's the devil.

Well, then he just turned into the devil. What was he when it was, you know, five championships and he was 65. That's two, two fives. What does that mean? You're going to go play that on a scratch card? Um, I don't think either one of them are the devil. I just think they're really good at what they do. And, uh, at the end of the day, the game is 60 minutes long.

You got to keep coaching. And, uh, you know, it's funny, nowhere, no, no, and all the top fucking four sports. All right. Nothing hurts you more than playing not to lose in football. I've seen more goddamn games. More fucking games lost that way. I feel like Oklahoma lost the Rose Bowl because of that. They stopped going no huddle.

You know, if you want to be a douche, you could say maybe Georgia, you know, kind of took the foot off the gas a little bit there. I don't know. Once you start thinking about how to chew up the clock, it fucks up everybody's rhythm. I don't know. Or maybe I just love when Alabama loses. Like my favorite part of that game was fucking Nick Saban's face at halftime. I only had to do that fucking when he had to do that interview.

That stupid fucking interview. Why they stopped those poor bastards. The most important game of their goddamn career. And they're going to sit there and talk to fucking Susie sweet shoes as they, before they go in there. Hey, you know why I fucking really liked on Alabama was that number 14. Guys are fucking maniac. He was all over the field, breaking up passes.

Anytime there was a sweep, he'd come out on nowhere. He was amazing. And I also think Georgia's front four were incredible. Like that interception that kid had. I mean, usually defensive linemen. I don't know. They're just not quick enough. Wreck a shade off the helmet.

He found it in the air and then caught it in that close to the quarterback that usually does not happen. And yeah, the amazing front four and Georgia's quarterback to the freshman, obviously kind of sucks that they ended up losing the game. I actually will tell you this. I felt bad for Nick Saban when that kid missed that field goal. It's funny for some reason. I didn't feel bad for the kid.

I felt bad for Nick Saban. I forget what he did. He just threw his fucking arms up like, what do I have to do? How big a genius do I have to fucking be to fucking help you sons of bitches across the goddamn goal line so we can win this thing and go go home? What more do I have to do? I would love to interview coaches and be like, what goes through your fucking brain? All right, like an offensive coordinator, whatever you call all the right place.

You play in fucking high stakes chess where you literally your house, your family standard of living is on the line because if you suck, you're going to get fired and then that way you're going to go. You're going to have to fucking sell your house. You know the deal. We know the deal. And you call all the right place 60 minutes of playing chess on television where every fucking douche in the world like myself is going to second guess you,

who has never even coached the game at a Pop Warner level. You get all the way down there. It's a fucking chip shot. And this soccer style cunt goes in there and fucking misses it. Like just like, how do you sleep that night? I can't imagine it. You know what I mean? Everybody talks about the field goal kickers when they miss it and what they have to deal with,

you know, it's very simple. Okay. Nobody knows what a field goal kicker looks like. You move out of the state. You start selling cars. You begin a new life, egg noodles and ketchup somewhere, right? I can't imagine the coach. So you got it.

How do you go to sleep that night? You know, you know, your wife doesn't understand. God, it's just a game. Come back to bed. I don't understand what is wrong with you. You're scaring the children, Michael. The guys just, I would, you know what I would do? I would just be standing up in my living room drinking with my headset still on staring at the fucking wall.

Okay, kids, we're going to go to bed early tonight. Your father's had a tough day. I don't know. That's what I see when Nick Saban's losing. When I look at that guy's fucking face, it's just like, I would not. It's just not a guy you would want to piss off. I love those guys that are going bald and they still dye their hair. They still keep it like long.

Like, I don't know. What is Nick Saban doing? He's got cotton candy on top of his head. Anyways, let's plow ahead. By the way, NHL fans, did you happen to catch? Did you happen to see the fucking best game of the year? At least the ones that I saw. Do you watch the Bruins vs. the Penguins?

That game, it was like a game from the 80s except there was no fights, which there should have been. When the puckle somehow got lost in Chara's jersey and that guy came up and just sort of looked at him and then pushed him down like a kid on the playground. And I was like, all right, somebody's got to drop the gloves there. Even though what he did was totally legal, that doesn't make a difference. This is hockey. You can't just have him push a captain down like that. And nobody did shit because that's the new game because they're trying to get everybody to fucking watch,

which they're not going to do. Fighting is basically out of hockey and all of these fucking Olympic ice hockey watching cunts are still not watching. They're not going to watch it. All right, basketball. They'll keep watching that. Fucking players going into the stands. You accidentally punch in a woman trying to get to some guy in a tracksuit that threw a fucking Coca-Cola on your face. All right, people keep watching.

They don't give a shit, right? Players fucking getting busted for shit and bringing up other players' names. Nobody gives a fuck. They keep fucking watching. And then they say, oh, you got to get the fighting out of hockey, really? Well, tell you what, why don't you get the fighting out of boxing first? And then I'll actually believe that you're against violence. Sorry.

Anyways, Bruins vs. Penguins. This is how the scoring went. 1-0 Bruins. Then it was 1-1, then 2-1 pens, then 3-1 pens. All right? Now I'm like, ah, fuck, here we go. We can't. What are we doing here?

All right? Then in the fucking second period, it became, it was 3-2 Penguins, 3-3, 4-3 Bruins, 5-3 Bruins. Okay? That's the first goal. Penguins scored the next 3, then we scored the next 4. And this isn't even the end of the fucking second period yet. All right? Eight fucking goals.

This is back when, like, Gretzky would score a goal a game. I felt like I was watching this game on the fucking USA Network. It was amazing. And then right before the period ends, you know, I was thinking, like, don't give up a goal to give them hope. Don't fucking do that shit. And what do they do? They fucking give up a goddamn goal. And it ends up being 5-4 at the end of the second period.

Nine fucking goals. Right? Third period starts. I'm like, we got to get the next one. We got to get the next one. Penguins scored the fucking next one. Now it's 5-5. And it was just playoff level hockey.

The entire rest of the fucking game. Unbelievable passes. Unbelievable speed. I can't believe how fucking fast the Bruins are. Got all these young kids out there. It's amazing. And ended the game. Brad Marchand comes down on sort of like a mini breakaway.

This guy slashes him on his right hand, right? And he goes down and the ref calls a fucking penalty shot. I love this. Even after he called the penalty shot, Marchand was still shaking his hand to make sure the ref, you see? Look at that. He slashed me. This hand.

This hand. Right? And I'm like, Marchand's going to score this fucking goal. He's going to fucking score this goal. Comes down, gets a fucking head of steam. Little this way, little that way. Fucking 5-hole opens up. He goes to tucking in.

And that fucking Penguins cunt just got the top of his pad on it to block it. We go into overtime. And unbelievable 3-on-3 hockey. And then fucking, was it Marchand? Was he the one who scored? I mean, Penguins are tough in overtime. You know, they got Crosby on one line. Marchand on another.

3-on-3. All that open ice. And Phil Kessel. Former Bruin. Former Bruin that we traded to Toronto. Because of that trade, we won a cup. So I don't want to fucking hear about it. Incredible game.

Unfortunately, we didn't win. But the Bruins are very excited to watch this year. It's as exciting as the Celtics, dare I say. Dare I say. I have no advertising today, everybody. People are slowly walking away from my podcast evidently. You know what I say? I say that's their loss.

Admit it. When you guys listen to another fucking podcast and they just do a straight read, you fucking, you blow through it. You blow through it. These assholes did not understand what I was doing. I was misunderstood. It was like that guy Tucker used to make those cars, except I was the advertising literate version of it.

Right? You know what's annoying is I tried to print something out before I started doing this podcast and my printer's out of paper. So the stupid fucking printer icon keeps jumping up and down. You know? Like when you have a big family and there's that one kid you don't really like and he kind of senses it. So he tries to do extra shit to get attention.

That's what it's doing right now. Anyways, I'm going to be at Cobb's Comedy Club this Saturday night with Rose Bowl, Tailgate Legend, 10 year vet, Joe Bartnick, 10 years, I mean, sorry, 10 games in a row at the Rose Bowl. Do you know we were there and they introduced, we thought we were badass with our 10 games in a row

and this fucking printer jumping up and down. I get it. Somebody was at the game and he was at his 70th Rose Bowl in a row. This guy's been going since 1948? No, 1949. Because I was already thinking like the guys that we had seen, like that have then gone, either gone pro or one like the Heisman Trophy or something like that.

Just in the first like, I don't know how many years, that kid on the Titans who went to Stanford, that white kid who's really fast, who scored that touchdown last week, whatever his name is, McCaffrey or some shit, we saw him, saw Mark Sanchez, Sanchez the first year, Jameson Winston. That's that Mariota kid, MacGyver, whatever his name is for the Titans. I'm too old to remember the fucking names.

And then we saw that kid on Penn State, the running back. Shane Corson, whatever his name is. We saw him last year. And this year we saw Brewster Baker in the six pack, whatever that fucking name is. Who's Brewster Baker? Come on, old people who remember Cable when it first came out, back when this entertainment industry was so amazing.

Kenny Rogers starred in movies. Do you realize Kenny Rogers has all kinds of hit records? He starred in a fucking movie and had fast food chicken restaurant. I don't know if he still has all that, but they had to have been a point. You know, at some point you had to look at whoever was his manager and just be like, dude, I'm kind of spreading it and I'm spreading it a little thin. How the fuck can you keep putting out hit records

and make sure nobody's putting their hands in the register? It's your 40 fucking Kenny Rogers chicken places. How much do you love Kenny Rogers that you like? You know what, I bet he makes good chicken too. Like how much do you believe in him as an artist? You're like, well, cooking's an art form too, so, you know. I mean, I love Led Zeppelin, but if John Bottoms started making fucking meat pies,

I mean, I think I'm going to pass. I don't remember that being part of his fantasy during the song remains the same. Watching him making some sort of fucking, you know, fry up or a fucking fish and chips. He wasn't, he was out on a tractor and in a drag race, so that makes sense. He's such a horribly misunderstood musician. Such a horribly misunderstood, by myself also. You know, I was talking to somebody the other day, there's always been like this myth about Bonham that he used to play with these sticks that were like tree trunks.

And I remember like trying to get his sound and I went out and I bought like a pair of like two bees or something like that. So if you don't know what those are, I mean, this thing is so big around that like, you know, 80 years ago, legally you probably couldn't beat your wife with it. I mean, that's that's how big this fucking piece of wood was, right? Thinking that you were going to get that sound. And there's a couple of fucking pictures that I've looked up though. If you really look, it looks like he's just using like almost like a 5a or a 5b, just a regular size stick. It's just he just knew and if you really look at him play, he's like, he never really brings his hands up

and slams down on the drums. He's kind of wrist and fingers. He just knew how to fucking hit the drum. I'll tell you another guy who's amazing. I was talking to my drum teacher about this as I watched this clip of James Gadson, who played with that, that Watts hundred third street band, you know, the ones, Express yourself. Whatever that fucking song was.

Bill Withers basically took that rhythm section. And he went out on the road made albums with them and there's a live version of him. James Gadson playing and he's playing like 16 notes and he's doing little ghost notes on the snare. And whenever you would go to hit the back beat, it didn't even look like he came like two inches up off the drum. It's like his ghost notes were down about a half an inch and then he would just go up. I mean, mathematically that works out because he's like four times higher. It should sound but how the crack he was getting off the snare drum is incredible. Anyways, I have no idea.

I'm just trying to fill up fucking 30 minutes talking about the intricacies of different fucking drummers from 40, 50 years ago. Yeah. So that's it. Billy New Wardrobe. All right. And I got all these fucking clothes that fit me even if I'm a fat fuck. Oh, Billy Boozebag. So what I'm doing is I am, I'm giving all of that away and I'm not taking it over to the fucking. What do you call it?

Goodwill. I don't believe in those guys. You go over there and people, anything that they don't want, they just drop off over there. So they don't have the guilt. You know, it's like, let's let these people throw it in the fucking ocean, right? I actually have a friend of mine that actually is works for this place, you know, people recovering addicts and all that type of shit. What I'm saying is there's going to be some really well dressed ex junkies out there. Not to say that I have the greatest taste.

I'm just saying that the, you know, the homeless people in my neighborhood are going to be looking all right. What do you do with socks? So even if you wash them, I can't get my gray socks to people. You know what I mean? Underwear you definitely have to fucking throw out. Without saying, even though I just said it. But I am in very happy with the shape I'm in right now. And I'm going to just, I'm going to buy clothes that just fit this fucking shape.

That's it. So if I start getting out of shape, all of a sudden my shirt will start creeping up. My fucking white belly will be hanging out. I'm just going to have to take it because I'm not buying bigger clothes. That's what I'm going to do. You know, it's all about not becoming a fat fuck. You know, and I finally turned the corner with my shoulder. I didn't have to do any Kobe Bryant fucking Peyton Manning blood in the centerfuge and fucking Transylvania.

And I got bless those two guys for doing that too, because now like you can get that everybody's getting it done. You know what I mean? And, you know, pretty soon they'll have all that stem cell research and all that shit. I'm just waiting like, I'm still too afraid to get LASIK eye surgery. I'm not going to do the stem cell shit. What's his face? Rogan was trying to hook me up with that. I just, that's too, I, I get a little nervous about that.

You know, what is that? They take a placenta out and they put it in one of those KitchenAid things and then, I don't know, drop a little virgin blood in there. It just seemed a little too fucking crazy to me, like, and then you just get this brand new shoulder and it's like, and then that's just it. There's no price to pay. I don't have like a slight fucking tick in my personality. You know, like those fucking movies where you get like a hand transplant and they took it off the cadaver or someone who was a mass murderer

and all of a sudden the hand wants to keep murdering people. You know, you get your shoulder fixed and all of a sudden you check your grandmother. You know, boarding, you know, she's bent down in a house code to pick up a slipper. You just send her into the fireplace. You're like, man, I don't know why I did that. It's not me, man. It's my new shoulder. You know, whatever.

I'm a fucking idiot. All right. That's the podcast. Enjoy the music. And now we're going to give you a little half hour of some classic Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday, morning podcasts from a Thursday gone by in a year that already happened or possibly earlier this year. Congratulations, Alabama. You guys are the fucking Yankees.

You're the fucking Celtics. You're the Montreal Canadians. You're the Green Bay Packers of the college football. You can't debate it. You guys are the best. All right. Congratulations, you fucking cunts. All right.

That's it. I'll have a great weekend, you cunts. I'll talk to you on Monday. I'll see you tomorrow. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

Bye. Bye. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's the Monday morning podcast for Monday, January 11th, 2010. You know, I was going to try to start this podcast just by saying hello, but now it's like such like a, it's a tick. It's like I have to say it.

I got to say, hey, what's going on? I can't just be like, hello. This is Bill Byrne. You know, I can't switch it up. That's my catchphrase. What's going on? You know, I figured out what this cough is that I tell you about it. I'm coughing up what tastes like lighter fluid,

and it's actually the chemical that they put on the outside of those, those kinks furs or whatever the fuck they are, those bricks. I've been grilling a lot. And every, you know, when you grill on a hibachi, I don't know what it is. Somehow, no matter where you stand, it's always blowing in your face. So anyway, so let's get down to business here this week. I won't be whispering this week because, you know, that was just like a one day vigil for old people.

You know, I flew the flag at half mast and I also was doing the doing the podcast. By the way, I was doing it last, last week. I did it Sunday night at 11 o'clock at night. So all you fucking morons who sent me emails going, I can't believe you whispered on your own fucking podcast. I mean, didn't you see the comedy in that? That a 41 year old guy was whispering. You got to take everything at face fucking value.

Like I was going to whisper for the rest of my podcast. You dumb fucks. I got like five emails about that. You know, and it's not even like I don't like these people. This reminds me of how fucking stupid I am, you know, as a human being, if this is what I attract. And believe me, I got a lot of shit this week. The Jesus freaks came out and force this week.

I'll be reading those later. And I have some questions for you people. Okay, so, all right. Evidently, let's come to my attention that gcast, which is the server. Is that the correct computer word? Um, why is it saying it's 46 degrees out here? It's not 46 degrees to that on my fucking hoodie was dying out there.

Anyways, it's kind of my attention that gcast, the server that I post all my podcasts on is not going to be accepting any new podcasters or any new podcasts as of February 1st. So what that means is I'm sad to say that the Monday morning podcast is coming to a close. All right. It's, you know, everything has a beginning. Everything has a middle and everything has an end.

So say it be said should say it be done. All right. So I'm writing this fucker out till January 31st. And then that is it. No more nada. Guys, they're on your own on Mondays. Okay. Cause I'm not playing this fucking internet game anymore.

You know, I already went from fucking my space over to Facebook. And now I got to go to gcast to fucking hcast. Fuck all of them. All right. You want to hear my jokes? You come out and you see me. You put money in my pocket, then I'll dance for you. I'm just fucking with you.

I need some help on that. I said that cause you know, you know, like someone who's not going to kill themselves, but they just say they're going to, so they can just find out how much people care. No, don't do that. We love you. You have so much to live for. You have a Monte Carlo. You have velour seats.

You're going to get the air conditioning fixed. And even if you don't, you still have the tea tops. Um, no, I'm not going to, I'm not going to quit what just cause gcast is tapping out. You know, and you know why they're tapping out is cause of guys like me. You know what I mean? It's this whole fucking free entertainment thing. I don't charge, charge for the podcast. They don't charge me for uploaded.

Nobody's making any fucking money. We're just, we're dancing for free and we're getting sweaty. And our shiny shirts are sticking to our chests and we're starting to go, what the fuck are we doing here? We want to get paid. So I think that that's what's going on. Um, I don't know. I consider the podcast more of a hobby, but I got to tell you, um, when I get into my 50s

and eight or nine years here, believe it or not, Jesus. Um, yeah, there's going to come a moment where I'm not going to be wanting to go on the road. And, uh, at that point I'll have to start charging for the podcasts. And I really shouldn't have said in my fifties because I might start doing it when I turn 42. You know, whatever you guys can't get mad at me. I'm trying to live the dream. Wouldn't it be awesome if you could just fucking lay around all day? You know, talk shit into a microphone, right?

You know, right? Where the hell that accent come from, right? You talk shit into a microphone, right? Just think about this dream. Okay. You fucking, you sit around all day. You talk shit. You're rubbing your bulls or your VJJ as Oprah says.

Don't you hate it? Which fucking older women talk about their fucking privates. You know, it's just, it's fucking old people shouldn't do that. You know, not that she's old, but she's old enough to know. Just like Madonna, you know, put your clam away. Okay. You're going to give people fuck. You think you went down to Madonna at this point, you'd get like food poisoning.

I'm sorry. It was disgusting. You know? Fuck. Speaking of that, I'm going to be in Seattle. Speaking of fish, I'm going to be, I just thought of Fisherman's Wharf. I'm going to be up in Seattle this week at doing Marty Reamer's funny fest at the Paramount Theater. All the information is up at billburr.com.

B-u-r-r.com. You go there, you click on the link, you buy tickets, you come out. I talk, I tell them my jokes. You go, wow, that was really funny. And then you go home to your life and I go back to a hotel and I stare at the ceiling. All right. Let's stay on course here. Yeah.

So I need to know what the next G-cast is. All right. You guys gradually helped me go from my space onto Facebook and which I'm doing, which sucks, by the way. Thanks a lot for the advice. You know? Facebook sucks. All these fucking people can find you out of nowhere and they start talking to you. And then I also found out that I can only add 5,000 people.

I got to start my own fan page. There's already a fan page and I got to figure out how to take the fucking thing over. Yeah, I don't know. It's, you know, it's fucking weird. Then all of a sudden somebody you kicked in the balls in third grade finds you. It's just weird. It's just a weird, I don't know, I don't fucking, I don't know. My space was better.

My space is better. I could just say this is me and I could start my own page. I didn't have to fucking say, oh, this is just a fan page and pretend like it's not me, but it really is me. You know, there was a truth in my space that I liked. This is me, whoring myself out. How are you as opposed to now? Gee, Bill, why don't you explain it 15 different fucking ways? We've been on Facebook for three years.

You think we don't know what it is? So anyways, if you guys know what the new, the new GCast is going to be, if you could help me out. I'm also going to call up other comedians, such as Mark Marin. All right, Mark Marin, who does the WTF as in what the fuck podcast every week. And I actually was on his show last week and had a great time. Just had a great time and these podcasts are fucking unbelievable. I'm really like a huge fan of these and how like a bunch of comedians are doing them now. And then you get like different comedians can go on together and shoot the shit.

I think it's tremendous. I wish they had these back in the day when I was coming up and I was listening to my favorite comedians. You know, I would have loved to hear them shoot the shit with each other. But you know, they didn't have computers back then. Well, they did. They had those ones that were the size of a fucking elementary school. You know, and they had those big reel-to-reel tapes. Remember that?

I used to love how like unlike the $6 million man, they just had all those fake computers in the background. It was just like Christmas tree lights that were just blinking on and off. And there was always like the big, yeah, the big reel-to-reel three quarter inch tape. Anyways, so I'm going to be on that as of today. I got to find God damn it. I got to look that up. I think it's what the fuck. I hope Marin doesn't listen to this because I told him I was going to hype it.

And then I did. And let me look it up. What WTF podcast. I'm typing with my middle finger. There we go. Mark Marin podcast. Yeah, WTF pod dot L I B S Y N dot com. Go on that and you'll listen to me talking to, you know, actually covered some of the material.

Not material, just sort of riffing from last week. I did tell him the story of the old man yelling at me. And for those of you who are going to be like, Oh, you already, you already said you repeated. You repeated a couple of things, things that you said. Yeah, kind of like you do. When something happens to you and you retell the story becomes a story and you tell it. Listen to that. Hear that lighter fluid sound like fucking Lucille ball.

Do you remember how fucking old I was talking? What the fuck was I talking to this about? About how quickly people got old back in the day, like celebrities, like Lucille ball is unbelievable. She looks, you know, she looks gorgeous on. I love Lucy, you know, I love Lucy faces all smooth or whatever. And then I don't know her next show is in color. That show with Mr. Mooney. And she just comes out and she's just like, Hey, this is Mooney.

I had that fucking camel unfiltered cigarette. I think that's because yeah, back then they smoke kind of unfiltered cigarettes. And being tan was really big for a celebrity and she was a redhead. I don't fucking know. I don't know what happened. So anyways, that, that, that is where I'm at. I need some help here as far as where I'm going to, where I'm going to post these, these latest podcasts. And that's it.

Now we're into the podcast. I just bullshitted for 10 minutes. All right. Last week, I talked about the old guy downstairs and how I was having a problem with him. And I got to tell you, I was really surprised at the feedback that I got from that. Some of your suggestions, I know a lot of you were joking, but nobody really gave me any good advice that I really saw other than, you know, he's all just fucking let him be and whatever. People go, dude, you know what I would do? I fucking turn my TV up as loud as I fucking could, dude.

I'd put the star, I buy a fucking tuba, right? I buy a tuba. I'd hide in the fucking bushes. And the second he came out, I just fucking blow into it. And the guy would think that he shit his pants, right? And you just keep fucking doing it till he really does start shitting his pants. What? Idiots.

I love that whole, you know, I would be loud as humanly possible what so I can actually piss off the same neighbors in my complex who are actually paying. A decent amount of rent when they start complaining that I'm in fucking trouble. Okay. A lit fucking, you know, this one guy was just like, you know, I think, God, I got to find this fucking email. This guy tried to suggest that because the guy downstairs use the term hip that he was actually a racist. Because he used the definition of hip from way back in the day and zootsuits and I didn't even know what the fuck he was talking about. He was just like, you're projecting this on him. It's like, okay, so you can project what you want to project on him?

I don't know. Why am I taking this shit seriously? All right, let's move on here. You guys, there's a couple of YouTube videos you want to check out. This one is actually not a YouTube video. This is just a great one about this kid who had a party down in Australia that got completely out of control and now his parents are being sued for 20 grand. He's sort of the Australian Jeff Spicoli and they put him on the news and the news lady keeps trying to get him to apologize and he doesn't really give a shit. It's fucking great.

And this is what it is. Get your little pens and pencils out. All right. Grab your post. It's on break.com and the name of the video is funny kid isn't sorry about huge party. Break.com, B-R-E-A-K dot com. And I don't know, I really want to tell you what happens, but then I'll ruin it. And it's actually, you know, something that made me feel better about America when I saw that because it looked that looked like an American story and the newscaster look, you know, it's just nice to see that those stories about

nothing that don't even matter exist in other countries. And if you, if you are in another country and you have some shit like that because people always trash in America about how fat and fucking stupid we are. And I, you know, we're just being fed bullshit. This is a classic, classic kind of story that you see on the news here in the States as they call them. So it's just great to see that down under, you know, by the way, speaking of Australia, what is the deal? What's the deal with that Foster's Lager with that depth charge size beer can? That's why I've never drank one. I never understood like the 40 ounce either.

It's like, let me hold this in my hand till it gets piss warm. You know, why wouldn't you just, oh, you get those big October fest beer steins and they pour like 19 beers in there. It's like, why don't you just have a beer, finish it and then move on to the next one. It can be nice and cold and you see that little frosty smoke coming out the top. Oh my God, I'm getting fucking thirsty. By the way, I'm 10 days into my sobriety and I got to say I, I miss it. I really miss it and I don't crave it. I like it.

Did I already talk about this last week? I can't even fucking remember. And if I told you guys what I did this week, I went to that guitar center drum off. A friend of mine hooked me up with some tickets and I saw these fucking unbelievably talented drummers. I got to be backstage and it was just like every fucking famous drummer. You could Kenny Eranoff, Tommy Lee, Alan White, Taylor Hawkins, who the fuck else was there? Danny Carey, Chad Smith was fucking everybody, Jason Bonham. Everybody was, it was fucking unreal.

I wanted to get pictures with all of them, but I didn't. I was just like, because I could tell they were all fucking, you know, because they're all in the road all the time. They never get to see each other. Now they're all just hanging there talking drums. And I didn't want to be like, you know, like that fat guy in animal house like, hey, you guys playing cards? I didn't want to do it. So I just, you know, I was just like, all right, just remember everything that's here. And this is what sucks is I was on the wagon and I could have done a shot of Yeager with somebody fucking super famous.

And I fucking turned it down just because I was on the fucking wagon. So I don't know if that means I'm smart or I'm fucking stupid. But at the bottom line, it was it was Yeager, which I've never understood. It's like, it's like motor oil and syrup. And you know something that does become an age where you don't drink Yeager anymore. Dude, you want to do a Yeager bump? No, I don't. I'll drink some fucking drink some vodka, maybe a little scotch and I'll pretend like I'm a fucking man, you know, and I'm shaving designs into my chest hair.

All right. So anyways, yeah, I got to admit, I fucking miss it. And there's no goddamn way I'm going to make it until March. I know I'm not, but I'm just taking it, you know, I'm not an alcoholic. I just really enjoy it. You know, this is this, like for me, quitting alcohol forever is the same as just being like just saying like, I'm never going to have ice cream again. It's like, why wouldn't you buy ice creams? Awesome.

You know, you don't have it every day and you become a fat fuck. I'm not saying to do that, but to never have it again, you know, to never have a, you know, a beer or a glass of wine. You know, there's no fucking way I'm making it. This is really making me thirsty. You know what else sucks is I got all these great beer glasses, like those glasses they have on the commercials, you know, even got those Sam Adam ones for Christmas. And I've just been filling them up with water, drinking it. It's fucking sacrilegious. Dude, I don't know if this cough is going to go away.

So anyways, oh yeah, somebody wrote me who was at the Rose Bowl. Evidently, cheap trick was playing there and she was giving me shit for drinking, which she should have. And she goes, I feel bad for you. And one of the reasons why she goes is you miss the greatest band in the world, cheap trick. And, you know, come on, really at this point, cheap trick is still the greatest band ever. Do you really want to see people who are pushing 60 singing I want you to want me? That really goes back to Oprah, say in VJJ or Madonna walking around with one of her pussy lips hanging out. It's like, you know, at some point you got to put your genitals away and just realize it's over.

Okay? I don't know, but what are you supposed to do? You got to make money. You got to sing the hits. Right? That's gay. What is Lady Gaga going to sing about? Is she really going to walk around with no fucking pants? Did I just bring up Lady Gaga? No, look at me. Look at me bringing up the new shit music. Is it me or is this like the worst music of all time with that auto tune?

I don't even give a shit about that topic. I'm just fucking scrolling around here. Okay, another YouTube thing. I actually, somebody sent me this great link that I, of course, I lost. There's been a couple of people who have been taking clips from my podcast and adding pictures to them. She just searched my name. Somebody did one where I was talking. Somebody asked me the question, if you weren't a gymnasium full of eight year olds, how many of them do you think you could kill before they overpowered you? And somebody put pictures to the answer to my story and I actually really enjoyed it because I kind of forgot that question. You know, it's been long enough where I actually got to listen to it like it was somebody else and they did a great job with it.

So whoever did that or is doing those, I really appreciate that because they're fucking funny. They're really cool looking and maybe I'll sell a couple extra tickets at Uncle Fucky Shit Shack. Wherever the hell I'm performing. So thank you for wherever the hell's doing those. All right, that's it. Hey, okay, next topic. This is really this fucking is just really just I need to booze again tonight, you know, to make it flow more. Somebody asked me this question or actually told me a story of a friend of his.

This is sort of a reoccurring story that I've heard over the years. Okay, dude, a friend of mine was hanging out and this famous athlete was there and they had a couple of drinks. The next thing you know, it's like the guy's kind of hitting on him. You know, what the fuck blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. So this guy was telling this story about this professional athlete, I guess, who allegedly was hitting on a friend of his. And in the end, he's like, dude, you know, I don't I don't really, you know, doesn't bother me anyways. But he said, so what do you think? What do you think about gay people in pro sports?

I mean, the amount of people who play in the various pro sports, there has to be more than a couple. What do you think about it? I think it's fucking hilarious. And I hope somebody comes out at some point because and I hope it's a football player because it's such a, you know, they're always fucking thumping their chests and shit and screaming and it would just be funny. Especially if it was somebody really dominant. You know what I mean? Like just some psycho middle linebacker who's just fucking drilling. That's a bad word.

Who's just fucking sticking. Everything about it is gay, drilling, sticking, you know, football is a really gay sport. When you look at it, you know, this is really hacky material. But you know, you know what I mean? What if it was the quarterback and then the center's got a bend over in front of him and the whole fucking thing, just the uncomfortableness alone in the locker room. And then what's even better is, you know, those people who show up at sports bars. And they have the name of their favorite player on the back, which I always thought was hilarious because it's always this sort of an element of like, it always reminded me of high school. Like when the cheerleader would be dating the quarterback, she'd wear his Letterman jacket.

Jesus Christ, Bill, where'd you go to high school in the 50s? You know what I mean? She'd fucking wear his jacket. So I always thought it was, I was with some buddies yesterday in the sports bar and they were talking about that, that the only jersey you can wear is like the jersey of a guy who was like, who was the shit when you were a kid. Because then it was okay to wear like a Roger Starback jersey or something. But when you're an adult and you're wearing the jersey of a guy who's like, just, it's kind of gay. The whole fucking thing is kind of gay. So wouldn't it make sense?

You know, they'll always pat each other on the, I think it would be fucking hilarious. But the problem is, is I don't think a lot of other people would that that's like one of the certain times, there's certain stories that come out. And I just kind of stay off the internet for like four days, because I just don't want to see the fucking the hate in all the shit that you know, it would start with that and then it would eventually go over to TV. And then they would get caught up in the air quote hysteria. And then the Bible people would come out and they would start talking about the Lord says that it's a man should never lay with another man and all that fucking shit. And then they would say role models that the classic hysteria over absolutely nothing that like literally 8% of the population would be freaking out about. And the other 92% would either be watching and just or would just completely not even give a shit. So I don't know, that's what I feel.

I don't think I don't think it's look if you can fucking catch the ball and make my team win. I don't give a fuck. I'll take a whole team of fags to not have what happened to my team yesterday against the fucking Ravens. I don't give a shit. They can all skip onto the field. I could give a fuck just win the goddamn game. Wow. Hats off to the fucking Ravens that fucking that was total domination.

And I got to tell you, I'm really disappointed in Patriots fans with the amount of fans that fucking left. But I got to tell you, I'm not surprised. I'm really not surprised because that is a through line through all the fucking sports. The amount of people who show up when you're winning. Everybody shows up when they're fucking winning, you know. And then all of a sudden you go through some rough waters, right? And then where does everybody go? They all fucking leave.

Oh, I'm not watching this shit and everybody fucking storms out. I thought that was that was embarrassing. You stay to the end. I stayed at the end of the sports bar taking shit from people. Oh dude, speaking of which, I went to the sports bar and this fucking Ravens fan. It was almost like performance art. Like, you know what, like when you go to a sports bar, the one thing that sucks is going to be the people who are rooting for the other team.

You know, people are going to break balls. Like as a Patriots fan, you know, you go in there. If you're going to wear any sort of Patriots, you know, T-shirt or a hat, you know, somebody's going to be like, you fucking cheaters or, you know, fuck the Patriots and you know, whatever the fuck they're going to say, you know, break Tom Brady's other knee, the usual bullshit. But then there's always those people who take it like too far and it starts to get to the point of, you know, there's going to be a fight. All right, this guy, I've never seen anything like this guy.

When the Ravens, the Ravens scored a touchdown on their first play, literally handed the ball off and Ray Rice just runs right up the gut and then breaks it to the left and just goes right. Okay, and as they're doing it, right, this guy who everyone was saying looked like, it was like Kevin James sort of billed with the head of Shrek and I'm not even joking. And he just starts going like, as the guys, when he scored the touchdown, this guy did like this. I can't even just, I can't, I wish I was doing a video podcast and no, I'm not going to start doing those. He just started going, he started doing like, just imagine if you exaggerated like walking, like if you just were bringing your knees up really high and you were like bringing your fucking arms up,

almost like you were power walking, but you were doing it in slow motion. And he just was going, like as long as you could do it to you out of breath. And then the funniest thing ever was when he, at the end of it, he yelled out Super Bowl. I almost fucking fell down into my breakfast burrito when he yelled out Super Bowl. It's fucking a wild card game. You just went up seven and nothing on the first play and this guy, he's calling Super Bowl already. And dude, I'm telling you, and this was the thing, when he was doing it, okay, and immediately I'm like, all right, he is going to be this loud the whole game.

All right, I'm going into the other room. So this is where it gets bad. Now I'm in the other room. You want to be that fucking loud, be that fucking loud. But now what he starts doing is anytime the Ravens make a great play, he comes in, oh, I noticed, you know, like when Kevin Garnett fucking dunks the ball and you just see him screaming, that's what he was doing. Anytime the Ravens were doing anything, he was doing that like he was doing it.

So what we started doing, because he was fat, we started yelling out appetizers. Like he'd be like, Ravens, we like potato skins, fucking buffalo wings. Right. And it just, and it started off funny. And then by the end, it just started getting really ugly. And it almost was like escalating into a, I don't know, dude. It was just one of those classic situations where, you know what I kept thinking of? I just was wishing Joe Pesci was there, you know, in Casino where he stabs the person in the neck with the pen

and then they're down on the ground like, he goes, is that a little girl? How are you a little girl crying down there? Like literally, that's what I wanted to do by the end of it. And I don't know, man. That's why I don't like going to sports bars because I love talking shit. And you know, you show up in your team, gets your ass, gets their ass kicked. You got to take the shit, but like it gets to a certain point where now you're like yelling at me or in my direction, like I'm going to be intimidated by you.

And now you're making me feel like I'm some sort of bitch. And now I got to yell shit back at you. And it just like, I kind of left it with like a headache. And it like, it wasn't like, and I got to admit, like, I even hate, like there's a, there's a particular person down at that bar who's a Patriots fan, who's just a fucking asshole. I just wanted you guys have any stories like that? Like you go to the sports bar, the guy who like takes it too far. Have you ever seen it actually escalate into a fight because I always want to see those guys get punched in the face

and I'm not going to do it because A, I don't want to get my ass kicked. And B, I don't want to, you know, you know, you know the option. A, you get your ass kicked. Oh, just picture me on the ground. You know, when you get your ass kicked, how you, how messed up your hair gets. And you're breathing really hard and you're trying not to cry. It just always feels like the playground. It might as well just be like grass in your hair.

Remember that shit? When you got your ass kicked in the playground, how just alive you were afterwards, where you could just fucking feel everything and your ears were always hot. You know, just fucking weird. Anyways, the fuck am I talking about? Yeah, that's just sort of the option now in public where it's like if that's, that's the situation now when you get into a fight, either you fight and you lose or you win and you get sued. Dude, I'm really sorry about my throat this week.

I don't know what the fuck's going on here. Like, did you guys see, then I talk about, I am so fucking out of it. Jersey Shore. Was that last two weeks ago, this past week, this fucking guy starts talking to one of the castmates. All right. And he at a bar and he's trying to cause a fight. He's just begging for a fight. And the kid keeps telling, you know, I don't want to talk to you leave, leave, go away.

And it finally escalates into a fight. And the kid from the Jersey Shore fucking mauls the kid gets on a couple of knees. You know, the classic bar fight and ends up on the ground and the other guys getting noogies to the back of the head. Right. You guys know what noogies are? Is that an East Coast thing? Those are those short little quick punches that are just pretty much knuckle based. It's like the Bruce Lee one inch punch without the power.

He's just sort of wrapping on your head like it's a door. And now I evidently that kid's getting sued. It's like for what? Because he won the fight. I don't know. I think it's fucking stupid. And then of course his girlfriend was really the one provoking it because the guy was ignoring him and the girlfriend kept talking shit. Of course she does.

Of course she talks shit because she doesn't have to fight him. It was hilarious. So then when they go to square off, the other guy's girlfriend actually starts walking up to the Jersey Shore kid and it's just trying to just standing there scratching at his face. And what's funny, she's doing it with one hand and our other hand is just hanging down at her side. She doesn't have it up, blocking that side of her head. She doesn't need to because she knows he's not going to hit her. So the other girl causes the fight, escalates it to a fight and then the other girl gets to walk up and just sort of takes swipes at this kid's face. Then the two guys fight.

The fight ends. The Jersey Shore kid gets up and then the girl, the other, the fucking Jersey Shore girl's going, oh my God, oh my God. The kid's going, get the fuck away from me. You caused that. And at one point, I got a backup here at one point during the fight, he was going, he's going, honey, stop it, stop, just stop talking to the guy. And she wouldn't. So he pushed her. Not hard.

Just push, you know, you kind of go over a step and a half. And I swear to God, she goes back to the house and who ends up feeling like the, like the victim she does. And she starts crying. And I'm sitting there saying to my girlfriend, you watch, you watch, she caused this fight. This guy just rolled around on the ground with this guy. And all you know, he, the guy's like a black belt and jujitsu and he's going to fucking rip his ear off or stab him. Oh God knows what. He's rolling around on this, you know, he actually gets punched in the fucking face.

And now I swear to the girls crying about it, the girl who caused it is crying. And I said to my girl, I said, you watch, he's going to end up apologizing. And of course he does. And she's sitting there going, you traumatized me when you pushed me. Oh, I just, you know, I don't understand it. I guess I'll give the guy a pass because he's young. I was just, you know, I was just waiting to be, I traumatized you really, you just caused a fucking fight. And not only that, as I'm fighting the guy, the other girl's chick is coming in, fucking hit me in the head and you did nothing.

You know what, I lost interest in that story halfway through it. All right, let's, let's plow through here. What the fuck can we wrap this podcast up with? This is actually a really short one. And I always say I'm going to wrap this up and then I never fucking do. All right. Why don't we end with this segment? I'm sure I can do another 10 minutes on this to give you at least 45 minutes for the week.

Let's end with this, this segment. Oh, Jesus, which is really taking on a life of its own. I thought it was going to die, but it is somehow risen. Okay, here we go. And get ready for Bill is the dumbest person on the planet. All right, Bill, for what it's worth, I think you're fucking crazy and irresponsible. Exclamation point. I can never say that exclaim exclaim exclamation.

There we go exclamation point. That's one of the, you know, those words that you kind of know how to say, but you just sort of fly through them. Exclamation point. What kind of person talks about God like that? And I love this shit. This is what they all do. You should, and I believe deep down inside you are, be ashamed of yourself, dude. This is what I love about these fucking maniacs is they're so wrapped up into what they believe that they listen to how much this person just keeps fucking including other invisible people and then super imposing what he believes into what, you know, he thinks I truly believe.

Because he's so wrapped up in his own fucking world that he can't possibly even fathom that somebody has a difference of opinion on this subject. So he goes, you should, and I believe deep down inside you are, be ashamed of yourself, dude. Are your mom and dad still alive? What exactly does that have to do with any your stick with respect to God is hurtful, offensive, offensive and despicable. Three things. It always has to be three things. It can't be hurtful and despicable or offensive and hurtful. It has to be hurtful, offensive and despicable, just like comedy has to come in threes.

How difficult it must be to spew hatred and vulgarities for shock value laughs. No talent in that, my friend. That's the classic place that people go. Whenever you, whenever you, this is the classic guy where everything is funny until it comes around to the subject that they take seriously 100%. And no one can even joke it, joke about it or even question it on any level. And then they always say that you're just doing it for shock because they find it shocking. It's like really my views on women, women haven't been, you know, that didn't offend you all the shit that I've said over the two fucking years. None of that has offended you.

And now all of a sudden this does anyway. So he goes, enjoy your success. Air quotes and all the money you are making on the backs of hardworking, decent people that understand what it means to follow the rules and be the best they can be without putting other people and God down. The rest of us are watching and we are not laughing. Dude, how many people are in your bedroom as you're. Do you have a group podcast listening party every week? All right, let's get back to that. Oh, evidently, I am making money on the backs of hardworking, decent people.

So let me get this straight because I'm standing on a stage. Evidently, what I'm doing is not hard work. And if people are sitting in the audience, automatically they are all decent, hardworking people. And not only that, I'm making money on the backs of them. Really? Do I have some sort of comedy sweatshop, you know, comedy factory with sweatshop labor? What I do is actually takes advantage of no one. I stand on the stage and I tell jokes. And if you like what I say, you sit and listen.

And if you don't, you walk out, right? Where, you know, and I love how just because you're in the crowd, that means you're a decent human being. Do you know the amount of fucking freaks and scumbags that come up to me? This is what I found in a comedy show for the most part. Decent people, they leave after the show. I don't want to bug them and then they walk out and then maniacs come up to me, you know, let's do some Yeager and they fucking spit in your face and shit, you know, believe me. All right, but I know I made fun of God.

So now I, you know, now all of a sudden I'm now all of a sudden you want to talk about people making making money off of decent, hardworking people. Take a look at fucking organized religion. All right, those guys, those guys are living pretty good scaring the fucking shit out of you every goddamn week. All right, and I'm entitled to an opinion and I never was cramming my opinion down your throat. I wasn't. Okay, you believe in what you believe in and I 100% respect that, but I have the right to question it. You know, and you shouldn't find it shocking that I question it.

You should. Shouldn't you just be what Jesus would do? Wouldn't Jesus just start praying for me? Anyways, let's, let's continue this just in case you're interested. I was raised Catholic, married and raised my children Catholic and definitely have my doubts about the whole organized religion thing. Great. So you agree with me, not even sure that I believe in God. Once again, there's another point that we agree on.

That's my father three years ago and never would have uttered these words in his presence. Neither would I. Why did my voice go up so high? Neither would I do it. I did it on a podcast. All right. I'm sorry your father passed away, but you know, that has nothing to do with me. Do you understand what you're doing here?

Now all of a sudden you're making it seem like I'm walking in with my Mr. Microphone into the intensive care saying there's no God, you know, whispering into somebody's ear in a coma. You just go into the ground. We're all like, dear, I'm not doing that. I'm doing a podcast and I'm fucking around. All right. If you want to take it seriously, that's your problem. Okay.

And if you want to bring up your father passing away as some way to try to guilt me into feeling like I mean, you know, what I'm saying in a hateful, hurtful, fucking way. Dude, those are all your issues. They have nothing to do with me. All right. Then he goes on to say there's dad believed that there is something out there responsible for all the beauty in the world, in our world and for our lives as human beings. I don't even disagree with that. I just know human beings have no idea what it is until they fucking die. So I'm not going to sit there and listen to another human being who tries to scare the shit out of me and who's living in a fucking palace telling me that if I become rich, I'm not going to heaven.

I'm not out of my mind to think that that reeks of a fucking scam the same way late at night when they have those fucking gold coins that evidently are with 50 bucks and they're selling them for 1999 that that doesn't reek of a scam. Somebody actually sent me an email. Of course, I didn't save it evidently. It's sprayed with like a dollar something worth the gold. Okay. So they're making what is that 2000% profit. All right. Believe it or not, just because you're walking around talking about religion and the afterlife and doing unto others and you're talking this great game.

It doesn't mean that you can't be full of shit. All right. Okay. And I'm not saying that I'm right about what I feel, but this is just it reeks of a scam. I really believe that there is some sort of thing out there and I wouldn't be surprised if there is something after this. I wouldn't be surprised if you just go into the ground and you decay and you give life to the next fucking thing. I wouldn't be surprised if Earth is punishment for something that I did in a different solar system. That's another thing about religion.

Forget about the dinosaurs as it doesn't even bring up space. Okay. Let's say there is this all powerful being. Okay. And I'm just trying to question this right now. So I'm not trying to be shocking or I'm just questioning this. Let's say there is this all powerful being that created the everything that there is. Okay.

The entire solar system. Why would you do all of that and just put people on this one planet? That's like you created and you built this house that has an infinity basically amount of rooms, bedrooms, and you just put everybody. You're only using one room in the house. It doesn't make any fucking sense whatsoever. And that's one thing about Scientology for as much shit as people give Scientology. At least it has the brains to incorporate outer space. You know, I don't know if that's a really good point or if that's really fucking stupid, but you know, I don't fucking know.

So anyways, yeah, dude, I wasn't trying to offend you or anything that you fucking I was just trying to be funny and I'm just fucking around. And if you want to take this shit seriously, that is totally your fucking choice. You know, that's it. All right. I'm fucking done with that. All right, let's move on to the next person trashing me. What the fuck? Where the fuck is it?

Jesus Christ. I think I only put one of them. I thought I had another one. I'm really disorganized this week. That's because you don't have Jesus in your life. You don't have Jesus. Another guy said, I love how you pick on it on a punching bag of religion basically saying like it's very easy to make fun of Christians. But I don't dare make fun of Muslims because if you make fun of them, oh shit, look what's going to happen.

You know, which I thought was fucking hilarious because the person was sitting there talking about how insensitive I am. And then basically in a roundabout way, we're alluding to the fact that people who are Muslim means that you're a you're a fucking, you know, you're going to blow up. Like they're all going to blow up planes and that type of shit. You know, I went to a wedding one time this girl was Pakistani and they actually addressed that. That what they fucking hated was that all, you know, Christians thought that all of them just wanted to walk around blowing up shit. And also it was funny that this guy's fucking sitting there suggesting that people just because they're Christian that they're peaceful. When, you know, what is it? Once every 18 months, some Jesus freak fucking kills an abortion doctor.

That's pretty much par for the course, isn't it? No, and it's not safe to make fun of Jesus freaks. It really isn't. It really fucking isn't. I think Bill Maher is out of his fucking mind to say what he says and like or actually has balls the size of the Grand Canyon to say what the fuck he says and then just walk out and wade into those people and just I would never do that shit. Anyways, I got to admit the level with which that people take this shit seriously. It actually kind of creeps me out to continue talking about this shit. So this might be the last fucking week of it because I've definitely made my fucking points.

And at this point, we're just going to go around in circles and I'm just going to piss people off. So let's move on to this last guy who actually brought up some great points. All right, said a bunch of nice stuff. And then he said, all right, enough with the dick sucking. I was going to I was going to criticize religion, but to describe those beliefs is is to mock them. Yeah, and you know what, dude, that's what I learned. Yeah, if you describe them, then you start making fun of them and then everybody gets mad. Or as you're saying, they're just so ridiculous.

You just have to, you know, anyways, let's fly ahead here. I said you mentioned needing a code in the absence of religion to live by. I'm not sure how much of the I don't read thing is a shtick. But I recommend an excellent text used in an intro to undergrad and undergrad ethics course called the elements of moral philosophy by James. I don't know if that's Raquel's or Rachel's. Everybody goes on and on about Jesus, but Socrates, who defined morality as how we ought to live, let a compelling life as you probably know. Actually, I don't. I just know him as a party reference.

What are you fucking Socrates? You know, that's one of those references that even morons can use and get away with. And I'm sad to say I'm one of those people. He said, I didn't know this shit. He was found guilty of corrupting the youth. He thought Zeus, Venus, Aries, etc. smacked of bullshit. All right, think about that right there. Corrupting the youth now every Christians, Muslims and everybody today would say that.

Yeah, that is bullshit that those people do not exist. Because now we've evolved to there's only one God. There's only one bank. There's one world power. And let's see. And as punishment, he was forced to take his own life by drinking hemlock poison. Once again, another death because of organized religion. You know, these Jesus freaks, these people who are into fucking.

I don't want to reason why I don't make a fun of the Muslim religion is really because I don't know anything about it. And the reason why I make fun of Christianity is because that's what I was brought up. And those are the stories that that I that I hear. And all I know about Muslims is basically, you know, the couple wars with Iraq. So I basically don't know shit. I just think what you wrap you wrap your women up in bounty paper towels and then cut their clits off. Am I wrong? Am I wrong on that one?

They're not allowed to show their fucking thongs because you're going to get an erection. And because you wear that bedsheet, everybody's going to fucking see it. I don't know anything about it, but I would definitely make fun of it if I knew something about it. But I don't. All right. And I reserve the right to make fun of the fucking religion that I was brought up in. So anyways, he says Socrates was a humble man famously announcing all I know is my ignorance. He sought when I love people who would take that at face value.

See, he said he was a fucking moron. Right there. Right there. You know, Jesus is a solution. He sought answers to questions. Whereas religion prohibits questioning answers. A fucking brilliant. This guy's really smart.

You should do a podcast instead of me. I'm a fucking idiot. Listen to that. He sought answers to questions. Whereas religion prohibits questioning answers. And if anything fucking proves that it's the 50 emails I got this week. I like how I'm actually asking like I'm questioning religion on any sort of intelligent level. I think actually I think I am just because I say cut and fuck doesn't mean I'm not bringing up some good questions.

All right, let's finish this for for Socrates. The unexamined life is not worth living. His sentiments on marriage and nagging women are remarkably remarkably similar to your own. So underrated Socrates overrated Jesus. Yeah, that's, you know, that's that is the one thing. And I'm not being a dick here that I don't understand about people who like I respect people who, you know, are raised in religion or find a religion that speaks to them. And then they decide to commit their lives to what and what I don't understand is, you know, and it brings you this piece, right? Am I wrong there?

All right. So it brings you this piece. But then if anybody questions. That belief that you have how quickly it turns violent. Like the amount of people who died because they question these holy people is this. You don't find that fucking like hilarious and ridiculous on any level. Like they're sitting there calling the other person the devil because they're questioning their beliefs. And they're saying that that other person is going to hell and then they turn around and kill the person because they don't believe in the holy pure way that they live their life.

I mean, I just, I can't get behind that. I can't get behind that the same way is in the same way as just because you're a Red Sox fan, you can't recognize the talent of Derek Jeter. And I got to be like, do you fucking me? No, he's the shit. I don't fucking know. Why do I continue with this shit? Anyways, so that's the podcast for the week. This person actually goes on to recommend a movie.

He says, I heard you mentioned the departed a few times. If you haven't already, you might want to check out state of grace and overlooked mobster flick from 1990 that was unfortunately released around the same time as good fellas, good fellas and men. Good fellas and Miller's crossing. It has Sean Penn, Ed Harris, Burgess Meredith, Robin White, topless. All right, that made it a little creepy. And Gary Oldman, who gives an Oscar caliber performance. All right. Yeah, if you guys haven't seen state of grace, I've seen that I'm actually due to watch that again.

Gary Oldman is. You know, if you just saw him play commissioner Gordon and Batman and the reserve performance that he did, and then you see him in state of grace, you realize why that guy is even though people. Recognize him as an incredible actor. He's still, I think, one of the most underrated actors of all time. He's fucking unbelievable. And you have to see the face Ed Harris makes without ruining the movie. He gets betrayed. And when he realizes that he's betrayed the fucking the way he twists up his face, Ed Harris is another one.

Dude, that movie is like the guys that are in that movie. For me, of the modern day, like, I mean, this is a big statement because you can never replace those guys, but it was my generations. Bronson, Lee Marvin, you know, just the guy guy, the guys guys, like you just wanted to be those guys and they always had guns and they never took any shit. It's just, it's just fucking, you know, Gary Oldman and Ed Harris. Who else do I put in that? It's a very short fucking list. It's very hard the way nowadays in movies, I think, to be the guy, you know, that that classic, you know, women want to get with them and guys want to be them. And I think a lot of it is because back in the day, like those being in shape, you just, you were just in sort of regular shape.

It was the way you carried yourself, kind of like what's his face in Ben Kingsley and Sexy Beast. Do you guys ever seen that movie? I know I've brought it up a bunch of times. I remember he was inside the actor's studio one time and they asked him if he worked out before he played, before he played that character. And he said, no, it was all the way I held my body. He just stood more like a wrecked and he had like perfect posture and he just looked like this tough as nails guy, even though it was Ben Kingsley. I think there was something about those older guys like Steve McQueen and those guys, just the way they held themselves. Because you look at them, they all like, Yule Brenner.

I mean, all those guys, they were like 140 pounds. But somehow you just look at them like, dude, I wouldn't fuck with those guys. And then like all the stars, too many of the stars nowadays, they got like highlights in their hair and they got abs and they got them all oiled up and shit. You're looking at them, that guy's a fag, you know. I don't know, did stars back in the day, did they fucking shave their chest hair and landscape their eyebrows? I think there's just something about it, man. I don't know. I don't fucking know. Anyways, that's the podcast for this week.

And once again, I'm not disrespecting your religions. Okay, but this is my podcast and when I bring shit up, I fucking go off on it and I definitely go over the top. Saying that somebody was playing the upright bass with Jesus's jugular is fucking hilarious because it's over the top. And I believe the God in my world thinks it's funny. He's God. Why would he be intimidated? That's another thing, too. I don't understand why God would make all this stuff. Okay, and then just be so angry all the time. Jesus Christ, here I go. I'm back in it again.

I got a lot of questions. Fuck you. It's my podcast. That's why I don't understand. You know, it's more like, you know, when you build a bookshelf and you're standing back and miring your work and then it falls down on the floor and you're like, God damn fucking piece of shit. And you start blaming the bookshelf even though you made it? You're the one who put it up there? You know? I guess technically God didn't make...

He didn't make titty bars. I guess those are man-made, but, you know, the broads in them are... Wow, I'm really fucking... I was just gonna say, made in his image. Isn't that what you guys say? They found a dabble. That's a dabble. They got the dabble in them. Alright, whatever. All I'm saying is because it really got serious this week. People really got fucking, they took it a little too seriously. Alright, so back the fuck off. Stop taking it so goddamn seriously. And, you know, why don't you actually practice what your preacher preaches and why don't you go pray for me? Why don't you do that instead of coming on here telling me, you know, giving me your wrath?

Isn't that one of the seven deadly sins you fucking maniacs? You just as fucked up as I am and you don't know shit either. Alright. Alright, I'm sorry. God bless all of you. Okay, I hope you find what works for you. And seriously, if I'm bugging you, don't listen to the podcast. God knows I'm not making any money off it. I don't give a fuck. That's it. You guys all have a great week and I tell you where I was gonna be this week,

but I'm worried some Jesus freak is gonna show up. So that's it. That's it. Have a great week and I'll talk to you next Monday, hopefully. Hugging like a monkey city, monkey do Right beside a river, boat and gambler There are two mages floating through my head Say I want to be a man by your name But I'm crazy, but quickly The blood races through my veins

Quit lobbying I will not hear those sugar bells rang Wish me love who wishing well to kiss and tell Her wishing well, a butterfly tick Wish me love who wishing well to kiss and tell Her wishing well, a crocodile cheese Get up! On the beat, huh?

Wish me love who wishing well to kiss and tell Her wishing well, a butterfly tick Wish me love who wishing well to kiss and tell Her wishing well, a crocodile cheese Get up! I feel like going on, I feel like going on I come on, I come on Right beside a river, boat and gambler

There are two mages floating through my head Say I want to be a man by your name But I'm crazy, but quickly The blood races through my veins Quit lobbying I will not hear those sugar bells rang Wish me love who wishing well to kiss and tell Her wishing well, a butterfly tick

I will not hear those sugar bells rang