Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 1-12-17

Episode Date: January 13, 2017

Bill rambles about corned beef, the drought and giving whales a voice.

The Leise presents Koke mee with your My The Leise app From now on, it's a board for recipes that are easy, easy and cheap for those who are into something else or like classics Oh yeah, there was a spaghetti bolognese with a lot of meat Download the My Theise app and Koke mee Yes, great The Leise, with the Gleeven

Just checking it on ya Oh, that was a good one The lovely Nia here Nia, give me your microphone here I gotta pass this through Cause the wires are all crossed here Oh, I got the wires crossed The wires are crossed

We're sitting here Is that better? Yup, me and the lovely Nia The reason Nia's here Is we have a huge announcement to make That as of this morning Nia and I Became two people

That Had corned beef hash for breakfast Absolutely We are so proud and we're so happy And we just want to thank everybody For your support Over the last few months And for your thoughts during this difficult time

Baby isn't here yet So I've been Not yet I've become like a sitcom dad Just fucking hanging out at the house Wearing my big fucking socks Bill's got big fuzzy socks on Yeah, they're warm

It's his new thing That's right Cause it's cold in here Because I get hot Yeah We have hardwood floors Nia's fucking walking around More pregnant than anybody

I've ever goddamn seen So it's like she can be standing In Antarctica being like Can we put on the AC? I'm over here fucking chilly willy So I got on my uh So pregnant I'm just like a human tea kettle

I am short and stout You're all baby though You're all baby You look good to me Thank you Anyways So we're sitting out here On a rainy fucking Sunday

It's been raining cats and dogs out here And uh Did you say rainy Sunday? Did I say Sunday? I don't know It feels like a Sunday It's a fucking Thursday Whatever

It's pouring outside You know what pissed me off What? Yesterday on the news Some fucking idiot Like they announced out here in California They said the drought is over Just cause it rains

Well now because it rains so much That there's flooding But like this shit's gonna stop And then this This is gonna have to last us For like four years Cause you know the next three Like

Well how much does it have to rain For it to no longer be a drought That's my question Well I think Just the mere fact that it's raining Mean that there's No No

The water levels in all the reservoirs I believe I'm just Would guess that this They have to get to a certain level Cause when I did my bus tour Burning my own hole In the fucking California Ozone Sure

When we went by all these big reservoirs That were for you know Drinking water Or just even people just Riding boats around or whatever Like you could see the water line I mean it was like two Like you know a brownstone in New York

Picture like two or three of those Stacked on top of each other that low And it looked like it was a half mile Across I mean it was fucking ridiculous It was terrifying To be honest with you So evidently it's gotten up

To an acceptable level So now everyone's gonna start Taking fucking long showers You know what I mean Just You know what kills me out here Every time when it starts to fucking rain And you watch all that

You watch all that water going down The LA river That goes all the way down to Marina del Rey I believe And then it just goes out into the ocean It's like why don't you capture that Somehow And save it

All that runoff Yeah I mean I think environmentalists Would like that to happen But it's a very complicated process It's quite Kids couldn't have books in schools anymore If we captured the rain water Yeah if we did that

Then we'd have to cut this And I don't know It sounds like It seems like it's complicated Maybe it's not I don't know Yeah you have You have no energy today

Can you hear it in my voice? Yeah you have like rainy day energy I have rainy day And pregnant as fuck energy Rainy day and pregnant always Brings me down Well why don't you just fucking have the kid Just fucking you know

Oh I wish I could I wish I could have it right now Yeah you know what You know what's funny is I've been like joking about this on stage Is the level that people have been trying to Every day I get a text It'll say did the kid come yet

And I'll say no Me too And the follow up text is are you nervous It's like well I wasn't I was sitting here relaxed Like they just get you on edge And I'm just like It's been this great process

Where I'm just like Wow man I always listen to people I need to stop doing that Because it doesn't help you They just I was joking on stage Like they were getting you like You know when you get a dog all excited

Like you want to go outside You want to go outside Do you want to go outside Like that's what they're doing to you Like is the baby here Are you nervous Are you excited I know I've been getting you

You freaking out Like three or four texts a day For like the past three days It's like no baby's not here Yeah you sound like you drank some of that What's that What's that drink You sound like you're lean

Is that what the kids are doing nowadays With their fucking cough syrup And their Irish spring That they take a cheese grater And they fucking Irish spring That's one of my favorite things Dirty Sprite

That's what Future calls it I like when you go These fucking people on the internet And they show you how to make it Because I was sitting You know it was a comedian I got to know what's going on Oh did you look online

To see how it's made Yeah It's literally Sprite And like codeine Like prescription Cough syrup Then they take like a Jolly Rancher

Or some shit in there But like if you just look At the ingredients On the back of the fucking thing Yeah Like I got to hand it To this generation All these generations

Every time you think like You know wow like Like I always say In my generation There was crack babies And I'm just like Okay that's it That's the end

That's as fucked up As you're gonna see Like human beings Do things like Like as a parent I wouldn't be able to be shocked Like you're doing what Right

Then came meth heads Which literally look like Walking dead people They're not zombies But they're not real people anymore They have like fucking Like when I would do gigs Out in the Midwest

You know I went in further west Into those states You know Celebrities go to buy a log cabin And buy a fucking Pretend they own a grizzly bear Outfit right

You go out there And they had like this Before and after pictures Of people on meth Yeah Yeah and I was just like Holy shit That blew my fucking mind

And now Looking at these guys I mean I guess this isn't as bad as meth But just watch Human beings will always find a way To get high though New creative ways to get high Like that's just kinda how it goes

Don't you think But I'm gonna sound like an old man here What was wrong with What the fuck we did Can't just drink a couple of beers I mean that fucking drink that they're drinking That's like shit homeless people do Or like full on alcoholics

And people will not fucking give you Like money for booze anymore And you just don't have it That's what they used to do They go when they start drinking Nyquil Yeah cause prescription And any of that stuff is really like

I don't know I've never drank that kind of stuff before But it's supposed to mimic the feel Of opioids I thought Opioids Opioids Opiates you mean Oh no opioids is the correct

Right I think that's some bump on your ass No that's a hemorrhoid I thought opiates That's opiates Opiates but Hemorrhoids Opioids is also a word

It is I think Is that when you take like the q-tip Lace with the shit And you put it in your ass I don't know why you are obsessed with the ass But no No there was a thing that these kids were doing

They were soaking something They were I swear to god I swear to god I went down a rabbit hole How these kids get high There was this fucking thing they were doing They were taking something

A q-tip or something And they were soaking it in the shit They got you high And then they stick it in their ass Because there's a thin membrane there I'm sure I believe it Yeah like how people blow coke up each other's ass And stuff

No Yeah that's a thing That is not a thing It is Now you know what I'll go with the fucking q-tip up the ass No it totally is a thing Hang on a sec

That is not a fucking thing It is The old coke in the ass Just picture what that looks like You cup it in your hand And then you can go Spread it wider Wider and

Yeah No fucking way You probably use like a straw To funnel it in the anus Really And how well do you know this person Hey dude we've been friends for a while right You know

I've seen you drink drinks You use a straw I use a straw right That's not really crazy You know And we both have asses So I got this bag of coke

Hear me out Just hear me out Just sit out Just listen I'm not taking my pants off I was just adjusting my belt Listen Alright

Coke This is going to be on my fucking search engine Next time I go to an Apple store Coke up The ass Up the bum Up the anus Up the arse

Up the arse So it's even in England I got cocaine blown up my ass So you don't have to What? Oh that's a vice article Of course it is Okay wait

Anal use Rectal administration I told you This is drugsforum.com So Don't put cocaine in your butt people That's at Reddit Liveleak.com

Man blows cocaine Up a woman's ass Yeah Was he trying to numb it Before he stuck his fatty in there? It's like a big sex party thing Yeah So

Okay wait a second Encyclopedia Dramatica Investigate it more Just know that it's a thing that exists Alright well then I got to look mine up Well I got to read the article here Alright this is what you need Some sort of fucking

Kitchen knife Wait wait wait Let's not tell people how to do it Okay this isn't real Yeah when the internet was suddenly Abuzz with rumors that getting a friend To blow coke up your ass with a straw Was worth the trouble

I had to see if I'd been doing it all wrong After all blow doesn't come With instructions Oh Jesus Christ Get to the fucking point Alright there's not going to be a video of this is it Okay okay I know it's funny I said hoping the conversation will recover

But I just wanted to understand the possible health effects On a more fundamental level Okay so he called somebody Persistence viewpoint And a very nice woman named Kate spoke to me I asked her about it And she fell silent He said I know it's funny

I said I was hoping She said it's more sad actually And he said oh yeah That's the word I should have used Sad overall Kate was extremely helpful And promised to contact all the gastro Something all just

Still the internet had spoken I had to try it This guy okay I'm going to go with the pictures Now he's got the spoon He sticks it in a vial Alright in the end My high was no more significant

Than when I opt for the more orthodox approach Alright so people are doing it Because it was the other thing The thing I was talking about Rave let me look this up Rave Drugs Ass

Search Somebody got their booty Eating it in an American festival Strange happenings regarding EDM festivals Raves and drugs Strange happenings regarding EDM festivals Raves and drugs them Dot dot dot them

And going to eat their ass Not really And not what people are thinking How to smuggle in gear to a concert Jesus Christ Shaking her ass at a rave party Wicked woman I don't know

Alright can we move off this topic This is getting weird Maybe it's getting weird We're not doing it We're just researching it We're like Pete Townsend Hey the San Diego charges Are moving up to Los Angeles

Oh I saw something online about that Yeah They finally they're returning home Where they belong They were the Los Angeles charges For one season the first year of the AFL They're back where they started Here they come round again

Hey where did Nia go It's almost like she's having a contraction Dude you gotta ask yourself As a San Diego charger fan After all the fucking heartache And everything you just went through And now they're gonna fucking walk out on you You know

You gotta be asking yourself Like what was that all for You know Right I actually I'm back As much as they hated As much as they hated the fucking

The Patriots and Tom Brady And I had a horrible fan experience When I went down there and I wore Patriots hats Not real And I realized how much they hated us I just don't know I just I actually felt bad for them as fans

Because it wasn't that they lost It's the way they lost They did the old Boston Red Sox thing What we used to do Before we started winning all the championships Was We couldn't just have the decency to just suck Like the Cubs all those years

You know Cubs just sucked They had like two errors Two error games One of the early 80s And then they had the fucking one where they blamed that That fucking little nerd You know Rather than the other six people that stood up around them

Also trying to catch the ball They had two Two heartbreakers That was it Other than that it was a big keg party Everybody standing there with their shirts off They all live in Wrigleyville They got money

They're not sympathetic people You know what I mean But Charger fans You know what I mean They just like They had that fucking old ass goddamn stadium They rode it out They were down there

They came close and like 95 Got their fucking asses kicked Was it 95 or 94 When Steve Young got the monkey taken off his back Wasn't that what it was Nia? Ah yeah Steve Young who claimed the Patriots Should have all of their championships taken away

Because of Spygate One of the dumbest things they ever heard It's like yeah that's great Steve It's a brand new rule It was illegal for one game So when it wasn't illegal Because we were doing it back then Then they should get charged for it

When the rest of the league was also doing it Alright whatever So welcome to LA We went from no football teams to tuning Now how does that make you feel Are you excited? No Yes?

No I don't care I'm kind of um You don't want Nia to tap out In different You done? No I'm okay You okay?

I can make it You don't look like you're okay I can make it It's a good distraction Alright For all the guys out there Or for the ladies who have never been pregnant What does that feel like?

At this point If you guys are wondering why I'm so fucking relaxed She's had so many of these goddamn things It's like somebody crying wolf Yeah Crying wolf Yeah now these are crying You know what you should do to freak me out Nia

When I'm not there Just throw a glass of water on the floor And just be like Oh my god Bill Just watch me load up the car Someone has suggested that I do that to you On Twitter But I don't

Oh not original I don't think that's a good idea Yeah no These are called Braxton Hicks contractions They are getting you ready for actual real contractions And I've been having them more and more frequently Just answer the question As I'm getting closer

Answer what question? Like what does it feel like? Oh It feels like an extreme tightening in your abdomen No related to a pain you've had before Getting slugged in the shoulder That just never happened to me Having your big brother grab you by one of your ankles

And drag you back down the stairs That just never happened to me And this is the only way I can relate to it It punched in the ear It's like you It's like someone is in your stomach Stretching it out As tight as it can go

And then it slowly goes back to normal Running into the living room Cause you missed a big play Looking at the TV And running full speed into the coffee table Stomach first Sure Stomach first

Okay there we go I did that yes I did that on Monday when I watched Alabama The Dreamings Tonight When I watched the Alabama Clemson game Now I know Nia As much as you don't like football

I know you heard me screaming When Clemson scored that last You were definitely screaming I would be the worst announcer ever You know like the great announcers Have to be like Do you believe in miracles? Yes

They're like He did it He did it Fluid he did it They have like something you know The shot heard around the world What the fuck it was The Giants won the pen

I just went like Yeah you were going crazy there Yeah I sounded like one of the They call Alabama the Crimson tide Call me Deacon Blues Deacon Blues

I actually When I was watching that fucking That game I was I was actually happy For either team winning Because my hatred of Alabama Is completely phony I'm not from down south

You know I just picked LSU Because I thought that last Miles was a guy I thought he was crazy He was eating grass and shit You know going forward On fucking field goals Having the field goal kicker

Run down this fucking street And slippers scoring touchdowns I was like hey I'll fucking go with these guys You know So it just became fun To root against them But it was also

I'm a big fan of history Nia And he would have tied Paul Bear Bryant If he won another championship And also Lawhead Was saying that Alabama was Overrated because the SEC was Weak and then out

So then I was kind of rooting For Alabama to beat a team That just fucking beat the shit Out of the Ohio State Buckeyes 31 to nothing I was kind of hoping for that And also you gotta root for Clemson They're the underdog right?

It's phenomenal This is how much of a Cleveland guy Okay Jason Lawhead is Well I love Jason Okay but he has the disease Of being a Cleveland sports fan When fucking Clemson went up

Because what happened was Clemson Scored and it looked like They were gonna win the game And then Alabama went right down The field and gave him the Old right there Fred And then Clemson came back When it looked like

There was really no time left And then they scored And then they won right So when Clemson went up And it looked like Alabama Wasn't gonna have enough time to score Jason texted me about their head coach Saying he'll find a way to fuck this up

And I just wrote back Jesus Christ Jason can you just believe And then sure enough Alabama goes down And scores a touchdown And then Jason writes to me You Clemson you lose some Almost trying to look like

You win some You lose some or something like that And then Clemson goes down Against all of his fucking negative vibes They go ahead They score the winning touchdown And you know what he says to me He goes ah they should have won it last year

They should have won it last year too They finally won a championship That's what he says I don't know Classic Cleveland guy Anyways Nia We're gonna go see a double feature today huh Yes

You're taking me to What am I gonna go see We're gonna go see Moon Are you having another one Yes Alright It's the 5-1-1 rule So that's two within five minutes

I know but this isn't a real contraction This is That's the way you never had a baby What'd you guys do at the end of this fucking thing I've always heard a baby crying You're like Nia what the fuck Because I know They say you know

You know when the contraction is real And it's like a big contraction Know when to hold them I don't think I'd be able to like Know when to fold them Hang out and hold a microphone Know when to have a kid Know when to podcast

You never count your babies When you're sitting on the sofa There'll be time enough for counting When the Braxton Hicks is done Exactly We're gonna go see Moonlight And then we're gonna see Hidden Figures This is all dependent

I mean hopefully yes I won't be Moonlight and Hidden Figures My water won't be breaking During any of these Does this make Bill woke day This is third trimester guys So I gotta just agree with everything That she fucking says

So I gotta go see that And then I gotta go see Hidden Figures Where you know they're gonna do a total Overcorrection of fucking history And they're gonna have a bunch of guys Running around like What do we do? What do we do ladies?

It's supposed to be a really good movie And I'm excited to see it I know and it's a key word It's a really good story Kossna's in it Kevin fucking Kossna and my girl Janelle Monnier Who I love so much

Remember when we went to see her in concert Years ago We saw her before she was famous Famous famous We saw her when she was just famous That's right She was jumping around on the saddle shoes When she was opening for somebody

No no she closed No she opened for Jamie Lydell At the Avalon Don't you remember? I had seen her in a magazine And I was like who is this And I listened to some of her music That's cool

And then The week of our wedding She was playing at the House of Blues And I went to go see her A couple days before our wedding And it was awesome I went with my maid of honor We took a picture together

And we ended up hanging out with her And what did you have to eat afterwards? What? What did you have to eat afterwards? What are you saying? You're just getting into a lot of detail here Oh well excuse me Sorry

I got cabinet fever in here I sat yesterday Remember we were watching I sat in the fucking Late in bed with you Yes And we watched all those fucking game shows Yeah

We watched Jeopardy Wait for when First we watched the news We've turned into a real old couple We watched the news And then we watched Donald Trump yelling at that guy in CNN Yeah and then we watched Jeopardy

You fake news I won't answer that Let her talk Don't be rude Jeopardy And then we watched Wheel of Fortune Wheel of Fortune got So boring

They got rid of all their fucking They used to have the worst fucking prizes You had to pick from Right In the end It was always like For $600 I'll take the brass bed frame

For $560 I'll take the grandfather clock It's all like old people shit $300 I'll take the estate jewelry Oh my god Grandfather clocks I'll take

Put the rest on a gift certificate How many people went bankrupt? Every other fucking spin Yeah That nerdy black kid Every time you would get ahead Calvin Every time Calvin would get ahead

And he didn't win in the end I was so sad I mean he won But then he didn't get the final puzzle I think all the Calvin's of the world Were winners that day Alright Patch Say Jack is 70 years old

Alex Trebek is 76 Alex Trebek is under contract For another two years This is why my fucking ADD reacts When I watch a game show Because after a while I can't watch those people Excitedly yelling out letters

Say The way they say a say There is two C's You want to solve the puzzle Or continue spinning I'm going to continue spinning 350 L

Is there an L? Ooh I'm sorry No L Calvin Spin the wheel Fucking drove me insane And I can't even fucking

I never know what it says You could have everything but the vowels I'm still going Kitchen titty I can never understand I never know what the fuck it is You're really good at sports jeopardy We watched some sports jeopardy this week

We've watched a lot of game shows That's true Oh my god You kill it at sports jeopardy Yeah The shit that doesn't matter in life I know everything about Speaking of which

How about those Celtics, huh? Sellies Yeah, I had a tough one against the fucking Raptors or the Huskies Whatever the fuck they were doing Everybody's doing their throwback Fucking jerseys Jesus Christ

I don't know one person's name On the Toronto Raptors But I do know Dorosin now Holy shit That guy just He hit him I thought he kept saying Dorosin Of course I just kept thinking of Joe

I just kept thinking of Joe Dorosin Joe Dorosin killed us He killed us on the Raptors There's the Photoshop right there I want to see Joe Dorosin If you can find a fucking picture of him Where he kind of looks confident Joey

Put him in with that Toronto Huskies fucking throwback That guy Dorosin killed us, man Finally, when he scored like his 41st point I think he turned around and looked at our bench Or at the crowd That didn't even make me upset It's just like, yeah dude

You couldn't cover the guy We had him We fucking had him Toronto was exactly who we thought they were We let him off the hook But that's where we're at We fucking beat everybody else Except for the people we're going to run into

In the late rounds of the playoffs So it's looking like the Celtics Can win a round or maybe two Who knows, depending on But you know, that was to become the second seed In the east, which would have been sweet Right, because this number two plays seven there You know this

Did you just fall asleep? No, no, no, no I feel bad No, no, no You want to listen to me read out loud? Bruins got the predators We beat the blues the other day Now you're really going to put me to sleep

Oh, you know what But what about when I'm watching Your fucking, your stupid reality shows I actually enjoy them, right? I'm not fucking angry anymore, Nia I try, I'm trying to keep the anger going I don't have it anymore Fucking meditating every day

You know what's funny though Is me being less angry is like freaking you out It's not freaking me out I literally gave you props all yesterday After the doctor's appointment We sat there and we had a nice brunch And I told you how proud I was Wooo

It used to unnerve me a little bit When you were calm Because I just thought Something was wrong with you Everything okay? I was plotting doing something to you Oh my Yeah, top

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And how was that? Was that a good read? How come they don't know? I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know

I don't know I don't know I said How was that? Was that a good read? How come they don't have their website in there, do they? Do you know I had an idea the other day, Nia? Can you believe that?

I had an idea You? You? For what? Um I want to buy like a 1948 Like Cadillac limousine Okay

Have the whole, just whatever the fuck Have the interior look nice Have the outside of the car, whatever Okay Then you get the powertrain, the air shocks All that shit, gas monkey, the whole fucking thing up Right And then I get a fucking, I get a driver

Right So I never have to deal with LA traffic again I just jump in the back I got a little fucking bar I got a little humidor with some cigars And then I got a little wifi So I can get hammered, smoke a cigar Do some business calls

And then anytime Just ride around the city all day No Anytime I want to go out Because out here The big thing with LA is there's no place to park Like you'll pull into a strip mall That has like 10 fucking businesses

And they have like, you know, 15 parking spots Right And they tell the employees not to park there But you know they're going to park there And there's never any place to park Sure If this guy just pulled up And I just got out

Then he fucking drove away How much do you think it would cost To have a driver? Just a driver on call Just to have a fucking driver like I mean He just sits down the street like a creep Reading the fucking newspaper

There's a lot of holes in this fucking I think a few hundred bucks a day for sure Bullshit Nobody's going to sit here for fucking 24 hours For 200 bucks Yeah they would Getting car ass Yeah, yeah they would

You can definitely hire a private driver That's just on call for you You say, hey, can you get here at 10 or whatever I got to go here, here, here And just hang out until I need you again If you pay somebody enough They'll do it Why wouldn't I

Because I like driving too much But there's those times Like whenever you go into a fucking game And all that I'm basically describing having my own lift You know Yeah Because I don't like

Because now it's just one person Who knows where I live Whereas those other people They know everybody knows where you fucking live And then they fucking track you Yeah it's weird Like Justin Buber does Justin Buber

Yeah Those guys do that all the fucking time They start tracking you And then they hack into your phone And they start listening to you Looking at your rave drugs ass Search Yeah, watching somebody take a straw

Blow cocaine up your ass As you're going like Hey, you know, I don't feel any higher than a I guess there's really no reason to do that Let's just do it through our nasal passages Like we did before That's like something Jackass would have done Back in the day

And they would all be laughing the fucking asses off That was a part of the movies I'm sure they've done it I could never like Those parts of the movie Where there was always those parts Where they would just do something It's like a pubic hair sandwich

Or put that little toy car up his ass Yeah, do you think Stevo Never had coke blown up his ass? I mean, I'm sure that was his thing For like two weeks No, I don't think he did that He's a very conventional person, okay? The man when he steps away from the camera

He's very conservative Right I've done stand-up with him a couple of times He's a fucking great guy Yeah, you've said that You said he's like a really nice person Yeah, with an incredible fucking Like sense of humor

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At checkout LegalZoom.com There you go All right, let's end And let's talk about Meryl Streep's Golden Globe speech What did you think about that, Nia?

Did you think it was historically accurate? Was it something that needed to be said? It was something that I wasn't surprised That she said She's been, you know She does this I wasn't mad at it I didn't, I mean

You don't think I took a fence too, Nia? Yeah, I wasn't mad at it Aside from the usual thing Of like, oh good Someone who pretends to be somebody else Is gonna tell us how the world needs to be run All right? You thought it was a little

What's your new word that you learned? Oh, sanctimonious You thought it was a little sanctimonious I really don't know what that means Little Little holier than thou I just, there was always just cringe-worthy moments When everyone from Margaret Moore

Whatever his fucking name is Michael Moore Margaret And Meryl Streep And all these people who gotta be like Guys, you know We're living in a really dangerous time right now I just really think it's really important

For us all to hold each other And your loved ones a little bit closer Just that it's filler It's fucking filler It's just filler I just don't, I don't fucking buy it And then in the end You fucking attack bread and circus

You know Football and MMA Yeah Like we're all a bunch I like movies and I like MMA How come they have to be separate But the majority of her message I thought I think defending yourself is an art form

Defending yourself is an art form From debating Mixed martial arts All the way to that spinning He'll kick the arse Yeah, well Like I said, this is, this is, you know Meryl and other actors like her

They have a platform And they feel passionate about it And so they speak on it Yeah, you give me one I don't think there's anything wrong with that Give me one fucking cause And I'll give you the speech right now At the top of my head

With every fucking cliche And I would be called brave If anybody gave a fuck about me Good, give me a topic Well, what do you care about? No, that's not the point The point is give me something I don't even know anything about

And I could still give the speech Oh Saving the whales You know When you look at the earth From space Which so few of us get the chance to do Like I did in this movie

When I pretended to be an astronaut Most of it is water And the biggest thing in the water are whales And like us, they also communicate And just because we don't understand them Let me finish Just because we don't understand them Does not mean that they are not saying something

And they do not deserve a voice That needs to be heard And despite the current administration I vow to continue fighting For these whales Thank you Sorry, I kind of petered out But you know what I mean

I still fucking did it I still did it And then the next day It was so brave I loved his cummerbund You know He was glowing He thanked his wife

He thanked the whales He took his shiny thing And then he fucking You know, I don't know Took a fucking stretch SUV Burning low lead Fucking gas into the fucking sunset Right

Yeah, I just don't I don't give a flying fuck I don't need a fucking lecture From an actor On what's going on I didn't feel like a lecture I just felt like she was passionately talking about Something that she felt strongly about

And you know what If Hillary Clinton got in Who fucking blew the bankers in 2008 Do you think she would have given a speech about that? No How many people that they've crushed How many people are upside down In a fucking house right now

No They wouldn't have given speeches Of course she wouldn't have Why? Because she wears a blue bra And fucking Trump wears fucking red underwear It's fucking stupid It's like listening to the Yankees and red fucks fans

I don't know I'll be on it But this has been this podcast And I want you guys to know I don't feel that I'm any different than you I'm walking around right now I'm not special Okay

I'm just a person That decided to listen to themselves And I feel that that's what everybody needs to do And that's not what we're teaching In the educational system Do you not have something that you feel strongly about That you wouldn't maybe use your platform to discuss? There's a bunch of shit I feel strongly about

But I don't feel like I'm the fucking be-all end-all In my opinion You don't have to be the be-all end-all But you have a podcast that you do twice a week Yeah the flight gate The flight gate I feel fucking passionate about that So you have two times a week

Where you have a guaranteed audience Of thousands upon thousands of people listening to you I can guarantee you something dear If I started going to Merrill Street Wait let me finish Two times a fucking week I would have no podcast Oh I would be podcasting

But no one would be listening Let me finish You're being rude You're being rude You're being rude No you fake news You fake news And you had a chance to talk about

Like here this is the thing that I really feel strongly about I feel like people should know I want to share You don't think that you should do that? No No Okay well there you go How dumb are people

They don't know what's important People know what's important People are not dumb I've traveled around I don't walk around People are like oh my god Bill talk slower I can't get my head around

You're fucking No it's not that It's not about like patronizing people It's like hey Here's this thing that came up recently This is how I feel about it I feel strongly about it And here's why

Maybe you feel this way too Maybe you didn't know about this issue Maybe this will maybe help you open up A little bit more about it Hey that's a great delivery Somebody ought to try that sometime Are you making fun of me? No

Meryl Streep was not delivering it that way Right well She was wagging her fucking finger She wasn't wagging She was getting a lifetime achievement award And she got up there That's like an honorary degree What were you in?

What were you in this year? Nothing I like Why is she getting a life They've given her every fucking trophy out there They got to give her another one Yeah she's Meryl Streep Listen

She gets all the awards Okay I'm not saying she shouldn't get the fucking awards But why can't she But why does it bother you so much That she gets up there And she talks about what she's passionate about No it doesn't bother me so much

I'm just choosing to make fun of it Oh That's all No I find it just cringe worthy I don't fucking want to listen to George Kennedy Talked to me about the fucking ozone layer You know he just passed away

You know what I mean Charles Bronson The thing is you're not big on award shows Period I think they're silly Right I understand why you have to do it I think a lot of people that go to them

Go to them because you have to Right Because you have to Because what it is is you go in there like You know you got to support the project that you're in If this is for family It gets fucking nominated for something I would go

Yeah And I'd go up there And they'd fucking stand up there And I'd think of David Taylor But I mean you got to do it Yeah You have to do it And I remember the thing that you signed up for

It's good you know If it wins shit The writing staff They make more money Because then they get to be like Oh wait you know I wrote on an Emmy Award Wouldn't show

Or an SB Whatever the fuck you get Right You have to play the fucking game Yes So just go up there And say thank you I appreciate it

Take your shiny thing And take a fucking walk Like I just think I don't like Trump Okay I don't like the fucking shit he's doing I don't like the people he's picking

But I don't need Meryl Streep Like once I sit there like Oh wait a minute He's not a good guy Like oh thank you Meryl Streep Thank you for squeegeeing My fucking third eye I don't know

I think it's one of those things Where you're famous too fucking long And you just start thinking that Like everything that you're doing Is a little more important than it is You know what I mean I have to be honest with you Nia Like before I got into this business

No one ever like I'm trying to think like At least using that technique No one ever influenced me Like I like There's people that influence me Like oh I want to listen to more of that music Or oh wow there's a part of the world like that

I'd like to see that But like you know I don't see how like somebody making Like a fucking three minute speech Is going to have more of an impact Than someone that you live your day to day with Or your parents You know that's like that doctor fill shit

Like when they solve problems and like Oh we watch that shit too Oh right we watch Dr. Phil too That dude living in the truck Oh and we had watched like Judge Judy We had a whole like stay at home mom day This dude was living in a truck With his kid

And at night he was in it During the night he was in a shelter And then he drove around in the truck And it was just With his kid with his two year old Feeding him like Gatorade and sodas and stuff Yeah and he goes you know Sometimes the kid doesn't eat

But you know I always try to make sure You know I feed him what I can Make sure he's got plenty of sugar and caffeine He said Yeah he did say that Like that was a fucking good thing Like that was good He doesn't get him like bottles of water

He gets Gatorade and Coca Cola This is all I like Dr. Phil Yeah but you know something That kid looked fine No he didn't And they never showed a safe What do you mean No that was the music Nia

That was the music No he looked like a feral animal Running around No he did He looked like a cute little kid Yeah he did But he also looked like a little I don't know

Kids are dirty Not market I'm gonna tell you something right now That kid's gonna be able to figure out shit More than most of these goddamn millennials You know That sat there with their clean fucking fingernails Lice free heads in their fucking laptops

Lice free heads Alright I gotta get on with my day here Alright that's it That's the podcast Let's go to the movies Let's all go to the lobby Let's all go to the lobby Let's all go to the lobby

And the gate What we did on the elliptical Alright go fuck yourselves Have a nice weekend Your cunts I'll talk to you on Monday Oh Oh

Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh by the churning random Hearts under the sun Eventually

Fading into Night These two are Opening now As we lie I touch you Wonderful Alive

Girl if you're a seascape I'm a listing boat For the thing carries every hope I invest in a single lie The choice is yours to be loved Come away from it Empty your butter Hey what's going on

It's Bill Burr And it's the Monday morning podcast And this is something I have to start off I gotta start right out of the gate Talking about because someone had Someone was bitching at me That they liked my page But they couldn't

They couldn't shut off my podcast So they could watch the other videos If you are new to my page And you're listening to this podcast And you're already bored with it All you gotta do is just scroll down It's right on the right hand side And it's a little X

You just click on it You'll burn half a calorie doing it And then you can do whatever else you want to do On the site Alright Okay Bruce Can you figure that out Anyways

What's going on How was your week Do you have a nice week everybody I actually had A great fucking week When people do that they ask you about something And they don't really give a fuck They're just setting it up so they can talk about it

It's like I knew I had an awesome week So rather than just coming out And being braggadocious If that's even a fucking word And just saying I had an awesome week I had to actually act like I was a considerate human being And remotely gave a fuck About what your week was like

I had an awesome week This is what I want to get to You know when people do that and then you start to talk about your week And they start doing that nod that Wrap it up that really hyper quick Fucking chipmunk nod Maybe a little circular motion With the left hand like let's get to the point

So I can get on and just download All my shit Under your spirit Alright wow what an intro That's not going to make you want to listen to this This is basically my awesome week I went to the improv in Tampa Florida

I have to say that Just in case there's a city in Ohio Also named Tampa because I know they have Miami, Ohio Just fucking hilarious Goddamn frozen state I live in West Palm Beach Florida No Ohio

It's just outside of Dayton Yeah so I was I cannot begin to tell you guys How much dread I was looking at My first two gigs of this year Tampa, Florida and Houston, Texas Both cities

I was looking at With dread. I'm still looking at Houston with dread Why you ask Is it because you don't like Tampa Bill? Did you Got something against the oil makers in Houston? No It's because the last time I went to both

Those towns combined 31 people came out to see me You know And I'm not going to lie to you guys I'm an older fellow at this point And going on the road can be hard sometimes And if you don't believe me Just talk to that Filipino who's singing for journey

He's already bitching Fucking little pussy Can you believe that guy? Fucking guy singing karaoke In a third world country And now he's playing the goddamn Fucking LA Forum And talking about how lonely the road is

Because he's been out there For fucking six weeks Jesus Christ You know I can't tell if that guy Is just a whiny little cunt Or if he's a fucking Maybe just knows who he is And he can actually step outside of this

I really just wanted to fucking sing karaoke And you know singing with you guys Was awesome and I'm over it Because I know it really makes me happy My friends and my family And making little bok choy As I squat in my hut Whatever the fuck it is that they do over there

Typical American If I don't know where you're from I think you're squatting in a hut Eating bok choy I don't even know what bok choy is And I've had it, I think it's Korean Is that kimchi But whatever, fuck that guy

Why can't he just be honest And just be like you know what I thought I liked journey's music Every other Tuesday At King Fung Wu's Bar and Grill in fucking The Philippines But you know

Singing it every night is kind of Fucking boring And I'm out here with a bunch of fucking geezers Who are trying to recapture some other shit And one of them The guy in the keyboards is still wearing his tight pants And it's just something I don't like Seeing but I don't have enough say in the band

Being as I'm a fucking contest winner Jesus Christ Can you imagine the awkwardness on the road Like this fucking guy You know They actually went through all the bullshit The band, okay They ate fucking spaghetti

Every goddamn week, whatever the fuck they did They lived in a van And they fucking down by the river And they fucking made it You know, they made it And then they got in a big fight with Steve Perry Because he thought he could go on his own Making, oh, sherry

And some other forgettable sappy shit And You know, lawsuits, all that behind the music Shit And now they're back on tour again And they just fucking pluck this guy You know, up out of a tsunami And now he's playing the...

I just don't understand, how do you fucking Bond You know what I mean? That'd be like me Last time I played quarterback I think was just fucking Some pickup game in eighth grade And all of a sudden I'm fucking, you know, I show up

In week 15 For the Baltimore Raven, I don't know You made the point, why don't you get back To your great week? Hey, why don't I own up To the fact that I told you guys last week That the Carolina Panthers were my dark horse And that I believed in Jake the Lone

And what happens? I jinxed them You heard of the sports illustrated jinxes The new jinx in town And you fucking listened to it So my apologies to everybody In Carolina In my mind I'm going to Carolina

Alright, let me get back to my awesome weeks Anyways, yeah, last time I went to Tampa Nobody fucking showed up And it was really disheartening Because I think At that point my HBO special was out And that type of thing, and that's when it really Just hit me how fucking hard this business is

And I was really like, wow, man What the fuck Do I have to do? So, I went to Tampa And what happened? I showed up And a bunch of fucking people showed up And they were great crowds And I got like, you know

A couple, two or three partial standing ovations I was killing it, I was having a great time After my nice month Of rest and relaxation A bunch of fine ass bitches Came out to the club, baby Um, no, a lot of good looking broads Down there, and

And I probably drank too much Fucking two out of three nights It was a good time Went on that guy's cow head show If anybody from that show is listening Um, tell them I said thank you It's a fucking great show This is how great the whole week was

I went in to the cow head show Right off the bat, the guy's totally cool Right off the bat, he knows how to give a great interview I don't have to do material We're just vibing, everything's fine And then all of a sudden out of nowhere A guy, one of my buddies from high school When I had season tickets

To the Patriots in 1989 When they sucked We used to all pile in the back of his landscaping truck With a half keg of fucking beer And a bag of chips He fucking calls up Find out he's living down there Next thing you know, we're on the radio together

Talking about shit we did 20 years ago And if that wasn't cool enough They had an electronic drum kit there And they came out of the radio break Playing the immigrant song And I was on the drums playing I just looked fucking having this total geek moment And then I went down to the club

And it was fucking, you know I'm not going to say it's packed But I got into the upper deck You know Just picture a Just picture an Atlanta Braves game When they finally make it to the fucking The NLCS

That's how full the club was It's about three quarters full Fuck you guys, I was happy with that I thought there was going to be nobody down there So I want to thank everybody down there So Houston You got to come through for me, okay Want to go out and I play that improv

That's underneath that overpass And that strip mall where evidently There's a lot of violence Who the fuck did the research on that one? Anyways I also like when you walk into that one How it looks like Scarface's lobby Scarface's lobby

It's just a fucking I don't fucking know Anyways, why am I shitting on a club that I'm going to? No, it's a great time, it's a great part of town And all I know is I finally got My new hour together and I'm really happy And it's really If things are going good, just fucking come out

Alright, I love it good But either way, even if it sucks I'm going to South Park guitar So I'll still have a good time In your fucking mall Because I'm a fake Alright So let's get into the podcast here

So I have hyped What I have coming up, I'm going to be at the Improv in Houston And these are the dates 22nd, 23rd and 24th Go to improv2.com For all information And I'll be selling my brand new DVD

I'll be standing there like a fucking jackass In the end, because I have no pride Actually, I decided something That You know, because there's a lot of guys Who like, you know, once they get past a certain level They don't want to stand there Selling merchandise at the end of their show

Because you feel like an idiot sometimes And I got to admit I don't, I actually Like kind of meeting people at shows As long as they're not drunk morons Slapping me too hard in the back And spitting on me

And inadvertently, I don't mind that shit But this is something that I'm not doing anymore Or at least I want to say I'm not going to I'm just kidding who, I'm going to do it Because there's nothing worse than bringing DVDs home in your luggage Your fucking bag weighs like 80 pounds But like, I hate when I work a club

Where I have two shows And However, the crowd walks in There's not enough room to have The next crowd stand there The other crowd walk out So they send the first crowd out the side door And if you want to sell

Your merch, you're literally Standing outside the club And I cannot begin To tell you how much of a fucking moron I see it in people's eyes too When they see me, like I was doing, like I was standing Outside The improv in Tampa

And they have like It's one of those, you know They have like a sports bar, a movie theater It's all like just one little It's like an outdoor mall And I'm literally standing there And people are going, excuse me, excuse me People who don't give a fuck about the show

Who have no idea who I am And audience members who Like give a shit who I am Really see where I am In this business in that moment Some plumber just goes, hey Hey pasty, why don't you get the fuck out of the way So I can go see

Well, you know, oh my god, what Benjamin Buttons This is going to be a disjointed podcast I don't give a fuck, right? I'm on some new diet My fucking Just a head eight egg whites I'm never doing that again, man It's just fucking brutal

I saw that movie Benjamin Buttons Bill, can you stick with the subject Yes, that's what I'm saying I don't want to fucking stand outside a club And do that shit anymore I'll stand in the club, but there's a table You know I'll even make the change, I don't give a shit

But I think I'm going to draw the line I'm not going to stand outside a venue Dealing with the elements And people on their way to a fucking Applebee's as I try to Hock my merchandise because I got to admit I felt Felt pretty pathetic

Pretty fucking pathetic So anyways, let's get on Let's get on with the podcast here And remind me to talk about It later, I don't know how you're going to do that So I might as well talk about it now I'm pretty devastated because I fucking loved that group

And I had heard rumors And I kind of knew they had a couple blues songs That they reworked in Air quotes And they didn't quite give people credit For it And evidently it goes way beyond That and there's some stuff on

YouTube, I'm always looking at Led Zeppelin's Shit because I'm a huge John Bonham fan And somehow I stumbled across this thing Because I guess the YouTube guy was just on Howard Stern So there was a lot of shit on them About them stealing material and All I can say is

Wow It went beyond a couple of songs It went into I mean Every song but two songs in their first album Half the songs in their second album They're even trying to say that They ripped off

The intro to Stairway to Heaven They had like an opening act On tour with them I don't know how to process it And not only that, I just bought My nephew the fucking box set The entire Digitally remastered

Box set of Led Zeppelin for Christmas You know Thinking I'm the cool uncle And I just gave him A box of stolen shit It's just fucking brutal Check out that Jeff Beck album Truth, I just downloaded it

How many more times he literally takes A section straight up From the guy But you know, I think that's on those other guys They should have just fucked, you know You can't do anything, it's nothing you can do about it They fucking steal, they get credit And they get taken into the Hall of Fame

It's just fucking brutal Alright, that was a bummer Did I just say a bummer? That was a bummer, man What a drag Alright Anyway, so last week I got up on my soapbox a little bit

Or my ottoman, if you want to get technical And I was talking about last week How I'm sick of going into these Places of business And with this new technology They're firing fellow Americans And they're making me

Do The fired employees job And to me, that is not progress Alright That is adding another person out there Who's going to be competing for me for a job While I do their fucking job for free So I ask people what they thought

About that shit You know, I'm talking specifically about Going into a grocery store And they want me to check myself out Okay, as if I'm somehow Going to do it faster than a cashier That seems to be the illusion here That makes it faster

You know what I mean? Somebody who actually works there And does it 9,000 times a day So they can only have to look at the fucking keyboard Goddamn Stevie Wonder fucking blowing through it You know, and somehow I'm going to be quicker Than that, you know So anyways, I ask people what they thought about it

And I got interesting, I got Basically, I took two of them That kind of summed up everybody's shit And then I switched up some To the guitar parts and I called it Stairway to Heaven, now wait a minute Somebody said, I agree with you

New technologies often make certain jobs Obsolete, but they also create New ones, in this case I don't think there are enough low level jobs Out there to start getting rid of cashiers Yeah And I definitely agree with you I don't feel like

Dude, they're making you You're walking into the grocery Store as the customer, they're making you Cheer, for free And everyone's sitting there going, oh, it's quicker This is what this guy's through, this guy's saying This guy's trying to go, Bill, as far as The self-checkout line in grocery stores

I can't agree with your take on the situation Any place I have seen With self-checkout lines Still have regular lines as well Can you believe that point? Any place I've seen with Self-checkout lines still have the regular lines As well

Obviously, they're just not overnight Going to get rid of everybody They're teaching you how to be A cashier for free And once we all get it down Eventually, they're going to Get rid of everybody The same way they're doing it with like those tolls

Those easy pass things That, you know, remember There was only one easy pass line Now it's down, there's only one toll booth line And sometimes you get off the exit There's no toll booth, you just better have The fucking right amount of change You know, I guess that does make it easier

But also lets them know where the fuck you are Which annoys the shit out of me But I wasn't bitching about that Dude, the only reason why 10 out of 10 lines are not automated Is because it's a new technology And that's why they have the douchebag standing there Teaching you how to fucking use

They're teaching you how to be a cashier So they can fire other cashiers And then they don't have to pay cashiers And you as the customer who used to just come up With your food and stand there and rub your fucking balls I mean, don't you understand the arrogance of that? Hey, why don't you come into my store Pick out what you want, you figure out what the fuck

You owe me, pay me You stick it in the bag and then get the fuck Out of my store You don't find a problem with that? Anyways, this guy continues to say I don't think anyone is losing any jobs Or that grocery stores Are going to turn

Into self-serving only venues I'm sorry, but I'm going to stand I'm not going to stand in line behind The soccer mom who's buying enough groceries To last the entire winter Meanwhile, all I got is a box Of cereal and milk And now I have to tell myself

I'm doing a good thing for the workforce By refusing to serve myself In the self-checkout line Not in this lifetime, my fine feathered friend He really thought he made a great point there Well, dude, you know what? I think you're a retard What do you think about that?

Who stands in line in front of behind somebody Who's got enough fucking groceries For the winter when all you have Is a box of cereal and milk Have you ever heard the express checkout? Eight items or less? Have you never noticed that? I don't know

You know what? That just fucking pissed that whole thing Just pissed me off, you know what? Stand in line and go do a job You didn't have to do before and do it for free And put somebody else out of work And tell yourself that it's fucking quicker On TV where they got that commercial

And they try to mind-fuck you Into thinking that using your ATM card Is quicker than using cash You know? Come on, man, use your fucking head You know what they're doing They're phasing out cash So now there's no more under-the-table bullshit out there

And you're gonna get taxed even fucking more And they'll know where you are At all fucking times That's what they're doing All right? Debit cards are not quicker than cash And I love the commercial that they have I don't know if they're still running it

But they literally used homophobia To try to convince you You know? They put into that part of your brain Hey, I'm not sucking dick I'm gonna use a fucking debit card They basically had this commercial They had a bunch of people buying

Steelers jerseys, I remember They're all buying football jerseys And they're going through the line They're playing that debit card And they're playing that Bugs Bunny music And everything's going great And people are swiping it once And they just grab in the bag

And the whole transaction takes Literally two seconds Which has not been my experience ever The guy fucking tries to put the password in It doesn't fucking work They swipe it three times And the cashier finally spins the thing around Tries to do it themselves

It's a big fucking pain in the ass After all these guys cruise through Then this, you know, buying football jerseys This fucking guy comes up To buy tennis balls With a pink sweater Tied around his neck And he's paying cash

And the second he takes out the cash That music just comes to a dead halt And everybody's staring at him You get it, you know? Football Men, tennis Pink sweater, fag It's just fucking unreal I don't know, you know, fuck this shit

I'm just going to go live in the fucking mountains I'm tired of trying to convince people I had this stupid girl in the front row Explaining the whole fucking thing to her And she's like, still told me that she was going to use The automated checkout at the cashier At the grocery store And I go, why? She goes, because it's quicker

How is it quicker? You know, you could teach me how to change a fucking tire I'm not going to do it quicker than a fucking mechanic Or change my oil Whatever, whatever Whatever, stand in those fucking lines You fucking drones See how childish I get

When people have a different opinion This is why I can't sustain a relationship Okay, let's get to the question You know, it really is, I'm just fucking annoyed That I found out that one of the groups that I loved Has stolen All this goddamn music

And I do it just, you know What's funny about Led Zeppelin too Is they always had that cheesy shit where they were just like Trying to say that they all sold their soul to the devil Everybody sold their soul to the devil Except for John Paul Jones And that's why all that horrific shit Happened

Like John Bonham died Robert Plank got in a car accident And this kid died mysteriously And Jimmy Page I don't know, he fucking His eyes got all squinty I don't know what the fuck happened He didn't lose a finger, that was a guy from Black Sabbath

What happened to Jimmy Page, he had a castle I don't know, something happened to Jimmy Page Something happened bad to everybody But you know what the reason wasn't that they sold their soul It was karma for stealing all those fucking songs He didn't duck them into the Hall of Fame Alright, whatever Okay, anyways

You know what, I should have been more mature about that Some people don't fucking agree with me on those Those automated lines For me, it's clear as fucking day It's clear as fucking day I'm not 100% against shit Like when I go to the airport Sometimes that automated shit is quicker

Like when you go to check yourself in for a flight That's definitely fucking quicker But when I get on the plane And they start telling me I need to fold up my blanket to help Expedite the cleaning of the cabin To fuck yourself Alright, that's for the cleaning crew

I'm sorry they fired the cleaning crew I'm not doing that fucking job I did my job I got on the plane, I said a prayer On takeoff and landing that we wouldn't crash I didn't try to open the emergency door Or charge the cockpit I'm done

You know, I'm not taking out a fucking lint brush And a crumb bar and cleaning up my fucking area Go fuck yourself I don't work for the airline You're gonna hear that fucking annoying clicking sound I'm trying to do it smoother Alright, let's get to the podcast questions For the week

And I gotta tell you guys, this is gonna be a short podcast this week Because I have a ton of shit to do Why can't I just be nicer? I appreciate you guys all listening to my podcast Well, I have to go back into the 700 Club guy You know Put your hands on your laptop screen

Let's say a prayer for cheese No, I appreciate all you guys listening and all that type of stuff And We're gonna be blowing through it Why can't you have a sensitive moment, Phil? Why can't you open up? Okay, take a deep breath Let it out

I appreciate the fact that all you guys Listen to my podcast But I have a lot of things That I have to get done to, I can't fucking do it I got a lot of shit to do Question number one Bill, you often talk on the cast People shouldn't work certain jobs

That help the man Fuck And fuck the common folk One of my jobs I currently work Because I'm broke is essentially telemarketing And I go home from it feeling dirty But whose fault is it really? Mine or the dope's I'm fucking

And where exactly do you Draw the line of what jobs To not work according to your personal standards Alright Telemarketing I mean That's not making me do a job So, I mean

As annoying as it is You can sign yourself up for that don't call List on the internet If you guys want to look that up I did that and nobody ever fucking calls me And But I mean, I don't know what you're telemarketing You say you go home feeling dirty

I'd have to know what it is that you do Because you're like I feel really guilty Mine or the dope's I'm fucking So obviously Whatever you're selling them is bullshit And you know it's bullshit But you're telling them

That it's great shit So whose fault is that? That's yours I'm going to say that's yours You know You know Dude, you know it's yours You go home feeling dirty

You're obviously doing some shit you don't want to do You understand any port in the storm I don't know if you're selling people sham wows Like morons, like me And I buy the fucking things You know, you're not really hurt I'd have to know what you're selling If you're selling those fucking mortgages

That's screwed over this economy Then you should feel dirty But I don't fucking know You know something I used to telemarket So I can't judge you I used to sell newspaper subscriptions But you know

When you're just doing that sort of cold calling The only weapon you have Is to lie your ass off And the only way I got through it Was trying to make the guy next to me laugh I used to go by Bill McDonald And The other guy, what the fuck did he

One of the guys I worked with Actually went by the name Keith Crowder Who was the name of one of the guys Who actually played on the Boston Bruins And we were in Boston He used to call people up Hey, how you doing? This is Keith Crowder Calling from the Boston Globe

And people would just, every once in a while Some of you would be like, oh yeah, Keith Crowder You'd be like, oh yeah, you play for the Bruins Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah It's my cousin or he would just say That oh yeah, I get that all the time You know what I mean? Like if your name Was actually Barry Manilow or some shit

I don't know, dude I'm not trying to make you feel guilty I would just try to get out of that fucking job But dude, if you can't get out of that job I mean, what are you going to do? It all depends on what you're doing, dude If you're stealing from old ladies And taking their life savings

And You know, I had a buddy of mine Was doing something like that And he ended up in jail, so you better watch out Whatever you're doing You know what, I'm really feeling like I'm fucking getting preachy and righteous here You know what, I don't know shit

I don't know shit, just know that I don't read, you know Even all that shit I just said about Led Zeppelin Actually, you know what, that wasn't just YouTube Shit, I watched on YouTube and this kid had the music To back it up, so But anything else that comes out of my mouth Mostly is bullshit

Alright, question number two Bill, is there any way to get links To the individual podcast? I try to subscribe, but I don't think it worked I'm not really as retarded as the computer Makes me look That's exactly what happens to me Every time I try to watch

Or listen to anything on the computer And I have no idea, I don't know how to help you I really don't I'm like, I don't know I'm like, what the fuck is that Holiday in commercial You know? I don't know computers, but I stayed at a holiday in last night

Holiday in Express, whatever the fuck it is That's how I am, you know I'm on the computer, I know how to put up a Podcast, but I don't know how to do any of that Other stuff, so if anybody's listening Has this information and wants to email it to To me, I'll read it next week And I'll pass it off as my own, just like

Jimmy Page Squinny-eyed cunt, alright Question number three Bill, you must get a ton of podcast questions And overrated, underrated Stuff, how do you decide which ones To use in your podcast I basically, anytime somebody

If it's a repeat question Like, I try to ignore those But once every six months I will answer the question, how did you get involved And stand up, but And then just, yeah, if they're good questions I feel like I can go off on them If funny, then that's basically how I do it

But if it's a slow week I'll read every goddamn one of them Because I don't get a ton of them, I get like a dozen or so So if you have a question And you're thinking like, oh man He's not even going to read it, man Chances are I will read it, you got an 80% chance How about that, 80% chance

And that's based on not even Mathematically studying it on any level Alright, question number four Bill, have you ever seen two guys Start comparing scarf Are these two guys just a bunch of tools or what Usually by the end One or the other

Has pulled up his shirt or pulled out his pants What a bunch of fags I gotta admit, I've never seen that Do you hang out in a pirate bar I have no idea That would be weird Yeah, that's kind of awkward Reminds me of that scene in Jaws

Where they just sit around Yeah, this right here, a fucking Electric eels at me Oh yeah, this Stingray stuck me in the nuts Whatever No, I've never seen that But the way the picture you painted

I'd have to agree with your assessment You gotta say something Like why don't you two Hacked up pussies, pull up your pants please For the love of God Anyways You know what I resent seeing A middle aged man

Who has a smooth chest And not because they shaved it Just the hair never came in And they got those fucking Five daddy long legs hanging off And they don't work out And it's just all just, it looks like Looks like a melted snowman

That's why I don't, I'm not a I'm not a member, it's Jim Alright, Bill, if you and Jim Norton Never compare to appendix scars No, no I haven't No, this is a whole new fucking world That I don't want to get involved in This is some sort of

Do they have scar porn It's really making me uncomfortable Bill, besides your appendix scar What is your best scar and how did it happen Alright, I can answer this one I have one right above my left eyebrow That you can only see If I'm imitating the rock

And how I got it was My older brother threw me off the porch Head first And I landed like a lawn dart Into a flagstone This is basically the story We had You know those porch swings

That they have back in the day Where if you came If you were courting back in the day You'd come And they wouldn't let you go anywhere So you'd sit out on a swing It's like basically a love seat But it's a swing

And you'd sit out there and sing Like Lida Rose or something Lada Rose, I'm home again Barbershop quartet would show up Like in the Music Man Somehow my brother pissed me off And he was swinging like a f***ing maniac On that thing, so I grabbed

I think it was a rake I don't know what that does, it's not important What the business end of it was Because it's really, this story is about the handle Of whatever I grabbed, so it's a broom It's a rake, I don't know what the f*** it was And as When he got up to the top

I stood underneath him Like I was in 300, you know And I just held that stick up And I f***ing caught him Right in his stomach And I held him for probably Like half a second And then I dropped the broom

Hand or whatever and I turned around And I went to run off of the porch And he had the momentum Of the swing coming down So he immediately was like right behind me Like you ever watch the Road Runner And the Coyote, when the Coyote chases the Road Runner The Road Runner goes flying by him

And he's at a dead stop Somehow he catches all the way up to him Except for the last three feet That's what the f*** my brother did But he had the aid of a swing So I'm right at the top, step of the porch And he just sort of pushed me In the middle of my back

A little Claude Lemieux action And that's when I just went f***ing airborne And I don't know if I ever told you this Guys, the size of my huge head Right now, I had this head It was the same size when I was born So I was probably 11 years old You know, for the sake of the story

I'm f***ing top heavy, right So I immediately Start going down like a f***ing Javelin And it happened so fast I couldn't get my hands out I would have broke both my wrists Trying to stop terminal velocity

Of my skull And I just f***ing went head first Into this flagstone And I had a nice gash I actually took out a little chunk of my skull Of my Frankenstein brow And I just remember getting up

And I went back up To the top of the porch And I was leaning over the banister Because I didn't want to start bleeding in the house Because I knew my dad was going to freak out Because he already had to stitch me up My dad's a dentist So it was kind of cool

Anytime you got stitches You didn't have to go to the hospital He just f***ing Sew you up on the bench And you know what's funny We always ended up having to get stitches on his day off Paul Bastard used to work Three weeks in a row he'd get one day off

And then one of us would fall out of a tree Or accidentally in air quotes Throw a f***ing rocket I did that one And We always use the same excuse I was running through the woods and I tripped And he'd be like, oh for Christ's sake

I don't need this sh** And then he'd f***ing He'd just lay us down on the sofa You know, numb us up And he'd start stitching us up And we'd be going ha ha ha And he'd be like, come on stop it And that doesn't hurt that bad

And then you'd have a f***ing scar There you go That's my uh Do I have any other ones? I got bit in the face by my own dog That was a good one We had this little West Highland Terrier And uh, we just kept f***ing with him

Um I don't know why, I can't even remember why At this point it was so f***ing long ago We basically turned him into an attack dog We started off just roughhousing with him And then he would bite us a little too hard And then we moved on to a garden glove And we started playing what we called the glove game

And we would just keep mushing him in the face And then he'd figured out how to bite So then we moved on to I think Like hockey sticks And we just, you know, wouldn't hit him Really hard, we'd just sort of like You know, we'd try to dig out the f*** in the corner We'd kind of do that s***

And he'd start biting at it And I remember when he would bite down on it And he finally learned to start shaking it Going like ahhh Doing that s*** We thought it was the funniest s*** Ever You know, we were all like ages two to ten

You know, this is back in the day too When, you know, there was no Oprah Winfrey So people didn't know that you shouldn't leave F***ing five kids under the age of ten At home with a dog An electricity, you know And so yeah, so we just turned this dog Into a f***ing attack dog

And we really taught him how to bite And we all thought it was hilarious Until he started doing it to us And so one day my brother's sitting on the couch And he's eating a sandwich And my dog's sitting there, sitting up begging You know, a little s***, a little terrier So I start crawling up next to him

Just going, hey, I'm going to get the food And he's sitting there going, errr, errr And he keeps looking over at me And I just kept creeping up going, I'm going to get the food And then he started doing like that half a f***ing smile Showing me his fangs And we're laughing, laughing That's what we do, just driving f***ing

The same way we do to my little brother, just piss him off We just fun to watch somebody lose their s*** And the dog was no exception And then I don't know what happened, I took it too far And he just lunged over To bite me and I was His face was at his face

His level, and he just grabbed me On the same side Same side when my brother threw me off the porch He f***ing Sunken just below my eye Into my cheek, and then one of his lower canines Was actually inside my mouth And he had my entire f***ing

Left cheek And he went Like that And he knew he f***ed up too Cause he's bit me on the leg and he didn't give a f*** But when he did that one, he was like Oh s***, that's easily a 10-minute misconduct If not a f***ing game suspension

Um Yeah, and that was a That was a rough walk into the bathroom I remember that, it felt like it hurt It kind of felt like, I was just like I was worried I was going to be deformed So that was the thing, like I was going to look in the mirror I was like, oh my god, am I going to look like a

Like somebody just got bitten in the face By a f***ing terrier, and somehow I didn't He kind of, they were like puncture wounds I still see him, man I'm looking in the mirror right now He kind of faded away I got the one on my upper lip I don't f***ing know

But then I had to go to my dad's office And he was already working on other people So he was pissed And it was also embarrassing the next day When I went to school, you know Faces all bruised up and I had stitches What happened to your face? I was like, I got bit by a dog

Whose dog? Oh, my dog Oh, why not? Because my family is f***ed In the head What do you think? You know, dogs aren't supposed to do that They're supposed to, you know, chase frisbees And be skipping along with you

As you walk back from catching catfish They're not supposed to bite you in the f***ing face But you know, I deserved it So there you go, there's my scar stories For the week I didn't get a chance to get to underrated Overrated this week, I'll just add to them We'll have a giant, we'll have a bonus section

Of underrated, overrated Because there were some really good ones this week And that is it What do I got? What do I got? A hype real quick Please come see me at the improv In Houston, Texas Go to improv, the number

2.com Or you can click on the link Right on my home page Boston I got my big trip back to Boston And I'm not trying to be a cheese ball here But tickets are f***ing They're selling like hotcakes

That's such a ridiculous f***ing statement They're selling like hotcakes Really? Who came up with that? You know what, I'm not even going to try to explore that Comedically, because that is just such a hacky Like wannabe Jerry Seinfeld f***ing bit You know?

Selling like hotcakes What's the deal with that? When everybody wants hotcakes? Like I said, I wasn't going to do that And then I just did it You know? So right now, you guys should just be shutting off the podcast Because I've obviously established the fact

That I'm not a man of my word You know, I worked with this comedian Ryan Dalton this weekend And I was going to do something And I really f***ed it up I was meaning to try to get some girl to show Or tits at the end of the show We were trying to come up with a way to do it

You know, I was going to do it in a silly way Like come on man, the economy is bad You know, just do it for America Just make it silly You know, there would be one girl who would be willing to do it And then we were trying to think about reverse psychology Like, ah, you know, keep it going for Ryan Isn't he a great comedian?

I'll tell you, but he's really bashful off stage And the other night this girl was showing a tits And he just turned all beat red It's one of the funniest, you know To f***ing make it look like he's not a little f***ing creep You know Your reality was, I wanted to see some tits And I was using him as an excuse

And I kind of forgot to do that You know, I was really upset with myself Because if I miss a joke I forget to do a joke, I don't give a f*** I'll do the joke next show But you know, when you miss out on tits You know, that one sticks with you Alright, that's it

That's the podcast for this week Thank you for listening, as always Everybody have a great week And, wow, my Christmas tree is f***ing dead This thing is f***ing dead Look how dry and brittle this thing is Sorry, buddy Christmas is over

Alright, everybody have a good week, talk to you later Alright, bye When the dogs lie Underneath the chain There's no way You're searching for the months we've been in And There are consequences

Side The nutchiness Fired Wait Of all the intersecting lines In the sand I routed a label To your lap

I never used a map Sliding off the land On an incidental tide And along the way You know, they tried They tried We got the sea legs And we're off tonight

Can't have that to which they've no rhyme You belong to a simpler time I'm a victim to the impact Of these words This is a rhyme This is a rhyme It's ruled out Dead moon

And roses again Been out trying To start a protocol And now I'm buzzing in Got it when the dogs lie It's open the door And where'd she go There's no time

You're searching for the months we've been in And There are consequences Side The nutchiness Fired Wait I'm a victim to the impact

Of these words This is a rhyme It's ruled out Dead moon And roses again Been out trying To start a protocol And now I'm buzzing in

Got it when the dogs lie It's open the door And where'd she go There's no time You're searching for the months we've been in And there are consequences Side The nutchiness

Fired Wait I'm a victim to the impact Of these words This is a rhyme It's ruled out Dead moon And roses again

Been out trying To start a protocol And where'd she go There's no time You're searching for the months we've been in And there are consequences Side The nutchiness

Fired Wait I'm a victim to the impact Of these words This is a rhyme It's ruled out Dead moon And roses again

I'm a victim to the impact Of these words This is a rhyme It's ruled out Dead moon And roses again And roses again And roses again

And roses again And roses again And roses again And roses again And roses again