Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 1-13-22

Episode Date: January 14, 2022

Bill rambles about specialists, psilocybin, and Utah.  Thursday Afternoon Podcast: 00:00 - 34:08 Anything Better NFL Preview: 34:09 - 1:06:36 Throwback: 1:06:37 - end Music Interlude: Snakadaktal - Fall Underneath MeUndies: To get 25% off Matching Pairs, 15% off your first order, free shipping, and a 100% satisfaction guarantee, go to: www.MeUndies.com/BURR Roman: Go to www.getroman.com/BURR today, and if you’re prescribed, get $15 off your first month of ED treatment. SimpliSafe: Take 20% off your SimpliSafe System AND your first month is free when you sign up for the interactive monitoring service. Visit SimpliSafe.com/burr.  

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's time for the Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcast. Why are you doing it, Bill? Because I'm just checking in on you. That's all I'm doing here, sitting here by myself at the end of the night at a great night tonight. Great night.

You know, I went out with the family, the family bag East, went out, got something to eat, and my daughter was just making my son laugh his ass off. And this woman at the table next to us said, oh, your daughter's funny. And I was just like, yes, woo. It was awesome. Afterwards, we were hanging out, you know, my wife was handling the check because we're a progressive couple. No, because I'm the dad and she goes, these kids are driving me nuts.

Go take them down by the car while I fucking close up shop here. So I'm like, all right, so we're down there. And there's these rocks and both my kids were just picking the rocks up and firing them as hard as they could into the woods. It was awesome. It was just really awesome to see, you know, and I think they're both going to be, you know, into sports and stuff. My daughter is like crazy for skateboarding and shit.

It's awesome. It's just awesome seeing that they're going to be, you know, you know, doing that type of stuff. God, if they both got into books, I'd be sitting there like, uh, are these my kids? Um, anyway, Jesus fucking, what a sad week. What a fucking sad week, man, still have not even begun to deal with the shock of losing Bob Saga. It's just so fucking brutal, fucking brutal, fucking brutal and the amount of dumb shit

that people are saying is, is it the new thing now? Anytime a celebrity dies, like Betty White dies and that's cause she got the booster. It's so fucking, they're just so fucking, yeah, who the fuck knows Betty White on the internet? Some random fucking person. Oh yeah. She was hanging out with you like how to fuck none of these people know any of these people that they're fucking talking about and, uh, I don't know, but you got to blame modern

medicine just for their existence because that's what has kept them alive or their parents alive so that they could fuck and then make them so that they could then go on the internet and express their ideas, you know, and build their brand and, and, and just cultivate this sea of fucking morons, fucking morons, you know, and this is kind of something we went to summer school almost every year. I should have gone every year high school, but I just quit in the end. Senior year is like, well, what's the point, man? So I can get into a little better community college.

Um, anyway, but it's actually, I got to be honest with you. It's kind of a good thing to, uh, every once in a while be on the inside of something and then listen to fucking idiots who are on the outside and just watch them come up with these fucking theories, uh, everything, anything you do in this TV shows, movies, documentaries, putting on a benefit, uh, somebody gets mad about something and comes up with this angle of fucking horseshit and these people just, they just run with it. They just run with it and it's unfair. This shit that they fucking, do you know, there's people on the internet who speak for

dead comedians, like they know what dead comics are saying and what they're thinking. People who never met them constantly will be fucking tweeting or will tweet to me about a dead friend that I have and what they're thinking. It's like, that is an amazing, amazing ability. It's something to go like, you know, the fact that I've been listening to, uh, you know, I decided to go with the mainstream on this one, right? You know, and I don't give a shit if you're gone the other way. God bless you.

I hope you're, I hope you're right. I hope you're right. I hope it is just a cold. Um, but I went with the mainstream one is somebody wrote, they told me with absolute confidence what George Carlin would be thinking of me right now. It's just like, well, gee, that's an incredible, uh, that's an incredible ability you have. Well, what would Abraham Lincoln be thinking? Can you do presidents too?

What do you just, you just do? Can you do dead presidents or just dead comedians? You know, is it like doctors where some are foot doctors and others are heart doctors. Others are internet doctors. The internet doctors, I'll tell you about them. They have command of the entire body where doctors who actually went to medical school seem to just, you know, realize the body's so complex that they just break off into one area that they need specialists because that's how complex it is.

Unless you didn't go to the medical school and you're on the internet, then, then you know everything, or if you were a doctor and you were kicked out of mainstream, the mainstream medical area, that those are my favorite fucking people because they, they kicked them out because he's telling the truth, man. It's like, okay, I'll go with that. I'm not, I'm not going to defend big pharmaceutical on any level and not say that they're evil fucks that didn't kill a bunch of people. Okay.

But you just can't automatically then assume that everyone who got kicked out is good. Some people get kicked out because they're reckless, because they killed a patient, because they did a procedure that didn't need to be done because they wanted to buy a Ferrari. I swear to God, I watch American greed. I know what I'm talking about. Seriously, I'm fucking around, but like a number of episodes on American greed where people in the medical field who wanted to live, there was this fucking guy that moved to the middle of fucking nowhere.

I forget why he did it. He just thought that he could get a lot of victims out there and he just did all of these fucking procedures and fucked up all of these people's lives and was just making incredible, incredible amounts of money in the middle. That's what did him in. I don't know if he got high in his own supply or he didn't, you know, if he underestimated the other guys, whatever that Frank Lopez speech was. I don't know what he did, but he got a little too fucking crazy with it and they ended up

figuring out, hey man, you live in the middle of fucking, you know, South Dakota with the population of about 200 people and you did $19.8 million last year in medical stuff. Was there an avalanche out here? Was there some sort of plane crash? Where exactly did you get? What are you? And he's like, any fucking guy just takes off, goes to Florida, you know? That's where all the rebels go, Florida, all the weak people go to California to try to

get sitcoms like me, but all the rebels, all the true fucking, you know, the people that know what's going on, man, they go down to fucking, they go down to Florida, that's where it's done. Hey, if you were going to bail, if you were going to bail in your life, like you're like, you know what, I'm sick of the rat race, I'm getting the fuck out of here, where would you go and what would your fake name be? For some reason, like whatever, there wasn't social media and the internet where people would fucking rat you out and stuff, you know?

I'm trying to think where I would go. I think I would go to Tennessee. I think Tennessee is like perfect, perfect climate, you know? They got the beautiful mountains on the east. I wouldn't go to Nashville, though, there's too many fucking people in Nashville. I go, wherever that fucking F-100 thing is every year that I keep saying I'm going to go to and I never fucking make it, it's a big F-100 show in one of those small towns in Tennessee.

I would live like fucking 10 miles outside of it, like Uncle Jesse or Cooter on Dukes of Hazard. I would live out there off a fucking dirt road, now that'd be too scary, I'm too much of a city kid, I couldn't fucking deal with that, you know what I mean? The fucking wildlife out there, I listened to too many country songs. What was that Charlie Daniels, what about the fucking old guy that buried all the money in the fucking mason jars? The people went out there to kill them, they threw them in the fucking swamp to get eaten

by the, that's probably down in the fucking New Orleans. They threw them in the fucking, what was it, the swamp or some shit to get eaten by the alligators. They picked up the mason jars and then they went into quicksand and the last thing they heard was the old guy cackling and laughing as they went under. You know what I learned on my last little trip here? I learned that you actually, you don't sink all the way under like they have it in Hollywood. It's just another one of Hollywood's lies, man.

Because your body is whatever your, whatever percentage of water, once you get up to about your waist or your chest, you just sort of float, you just kind of kind of muck your way out of it. I actually walked in quicksand on my last little trip there. I didn't tell you about my vacation, man, I had a great fucking time, I had a great time, scary time too, you know, just seeing, you know, I was out in Utah and I was seeing the Colorado River and how fucking dried up it is. It's just unbelievable what is happening to the environment and how none of these fucking

newsplaces stations pay attention to it even remotely because all of their fucking advertisers are part of the fucking problem that's drying it up or so many of them are. You know, I think that's why they always go out to comedians because we're just fucking easy targets. Did you hear this joke the guy said at the comedy zone? I mean, what is this, what is happening to this country? Is it worse than fucking the Colorado River? Not reaching the ocean for the last 20 years or whatever?

Was the joke worse than that? Is that what it was? Anyway, I was out there so, you know, I'm a sober guy now except when I go out to the desert. So I did some mushrooms and man, I gotta tell you something, I had a fucking blast. I had such a good fucking time and what I love about those things is I only have the desire to do them like once a year or once, you know, I only do them if like I'm with my wife and we're fucking in the middle of nowhere.

My kids aren't there. So it's just like, all right, I don't have any responsibility, I feel safe out here. This fucking nature, man, and oh my God, I had such a good fucking time. They kicked in and like right behind where we was staying, it literally looked like a cliff that Wiley Coyote would fucking jump off of, you know, and all those rocks became like an audience and I was just talking to them and shit. I never got freaked out. I just enjoyed the whole, everything was fucking moving.

It was wild. And then I came in and I sat down and I watched the Chargers Raiders game just tripping balls and I just, it was fucking amazing because you're tripping and then you come out of it and then you go back into it and you're like, oh good, it's not over. It was such a great game and I actually was watching it. I knew it was happening. It just never, it just didn't look like any football game I'd ever seen before. You know, the announcers faces were fucking all weird and their heads were going into

their shirts and shit and I was making my wife laugh or ass off because at one point I think Collins Woods was saying, you know, the Chargers biggest problem tonight is going to be, you know, thinking your biggest problem is your fucking heads going into your shirt. It was amazing. I had such a fucking great time. I was actually sad when it was over. It was incredible. And then I, yeah, I just did what I always do.

It was just like, all right, no, I mean, last time I fucking, the only other time I did them, I was in me, I mean, I had a bad trip and I was like, I need to figure out what's wrong with me. And I was basically stone sober into for 11 months and now I did them again. And now I have no desire, you know, I don't want to go start drinking again or fucking smoke weed or anything. I'm just like, that was fun. So I think that's going to be my thing, man.

I think once every year, year and a half, whenever I get time and my wife gets time and we fucking go away somewhere, you know, if the kids are there, I'm not doing it. But every once in a while, if I'm out in fucking nature, man, that's fucking fun. As hell, I get it. I fucking get it. Good times to be had. Dude, I was standing there, right? It's weird when the shit comes on, all of a sudden everything around you was just like

alive. And I'm like, all right, hey, how's it going? Good to see you guys again. This is literally what I remember saying. And then I kind of saw something moving out to the left and I was like, hey, buddy, didn't see you over there. I was talking to them like they were people. I kind of told this story on anything better, but I'll tell it to you guys just, I'll tell

it again just in case because I don't think you guys all listen to anything better also with Paul Verzi. So when I first walked out there, you know, it started coming on. I started hearing like voices and we were on like, you know, Navajo or near it anyways, the government, you know, gave them after they stole it and after we all stole it, right? And I was hearing these voices and I was thinking like, oh my God, because I couldn't make out what they were saying. I was like, wait a minute, am I hearing the spirits and the fucking Indians that used

to be here? And all of a sudden I saw this movement in the hills and I was like, the fuck is that? Is that like because I'm tripping or is that actually a person? And it looked like a person. I was like, and then they kind of look like a cowboy. I'm like, is that a fucking cowboy? Wait, did I just open a porthole into the fucking 1800s? Like what's going on here, man?

And then I don't know where the cowboy just stopped and looked at me and he just goes, hello? He was way away from me and it felt like he was like right next to me. And I was like, what the fuck? I didn't know you heard shit and saw stuff. This is amazing. And then I hear him talking to this woman. She goes, all right, be careful.

I love you. And he's like, okay. And he starts walking away and starts walking sort of parallel to the rocks that I'm looking at. And I'm like, what the fuck? So I go back into the little bungalow and I'm like, Nia, I go, can you go outside and tell me if there's a cowboy walking across the backyard? So she starts cracking up laughing, you know, she didn't do it.

Like she just let me do it. So she fucking goes out there, she goes, there's nobody out there. She's laughing her ass off and I was like, what the fuck? And I told her the whole story. I was like, I didn't know you like heard voices and all this is fucking insane. So I sat down, I was eight, and then that's when I sat down and I watched the fucking the Raiders Chargers and they showed like the beginning and they were like panning around that stadium with all the lights and stuff.

And I was like, what the fuck? And I'm going, this is amazing and Nia, God bless us. She was sitting there because she was afraid I was going to have a bad trip or whatever because of the sadness of the past week. You know, that was the day when Bob, I found out Bob passed and, but like I just, you know, I just said to myself, I'm not going to think about that sad stuff. I'm just going to have a good time. Not to mention I had already taken him when I found out that he had passed.

And I was like, oh fuck, this is going to be brutal, but I don't know. Maybe some of Bob's happiness was in me. I don't know what. Anyway, I have a great time. And then the next morning we wake up and we go to the communal area with his breakfast, right? And when we finished breakfast, as we're getting up to leave, I see the cowboy come walking in, except he wasn't dressed like a cowboy.

He was just dressed like a fucking person from 2022. And I go, Nia, she's like, what? And I'm like, that's the fucking cowboy I saw last night, except he's not wearing cowboy clothes. And she goes, what? I go, I think that's the guy I saw last night. I don't think I saw a cowboy. I think it was that guy.

And she starts cracking up and breakfast ends and we walk back up to where we're staying. And then that guy pulled up in a golf cart and he was in the bungalow right next to me. And that's when I realized I didn't see a cowboy. I saw that guy and that guy saw me and he said hello to me because he saw me looking at him. And I didn't say hello back to him because I didn't think he was real. Oh, shit. So there you go.

That's my mushroom story. It was such a fucking. A fucking good time, man. It was such a good time. But like I said, if you guys are all worried, because I've been, you know, pretty much a sober guy, I haven't sober, you know, I mean, I was fucking with weed, you know. 2018, I quit booze and then I slowly was replacing it with weed. And then I was like, I got to stop this shit, but I wasn't.

And then I took mushrooms and then I stopped. And then I guess so 11 months, I didn't do anything. And then I took mushrooms again. And then I was coming back worried that I'd be going, hey, let's get some fucking weed and I haven't and I've had no desire to do it. So it's pretty fucking cool that you can have an experience like that. And it doesn't, at least for how it's working for me, is it doesn't make me want to go back and be a fucking idiot again, you know, plus having my kids here really helps.

It's like, I'm not, I just could never get past. That was like, you know, the end of my drinking days when I was downstairs watching like me TV and I'd be getting shitfaced and my daughter was upstairs and I'm like, if somebody came in right now or something happened to her, like, I can't fucking, I'm legally shitfaced. Like what am I doing? I'm gonna be that guy. Oh, daddy liked his Scotch. I was like, I can't be that guy.

So anyway, let's do. Let's do some of the reads here for this week. Oh, look who it is. Our old friends here, but doot, doot, doot me on these, me on these. Look at that fucking guy, doot, doot, doot me on these, me on these. He's looking right into my eyes, but he looks like the Lone Ranger. I'm not sure I'm not saying hi back. That's the cure.

But then you see him at breakfast and he gives you a look and says, look at that. It's that ball brood prick who didn't say hello, but I bet he had on his fucking me on these. All right, me on these is someone you love in a relationship with somebody who tells the same joke over and over. Oh my God. My wife would have a field day with that line or are they with somebody who has the audacity to starfish the bed?

Somebody has the audacity. They just starfish in the bed because they're trying to get comfortable and then it's up to you to fucking say, hey, Cunty, why don't you pull in your limbs there? Instead of audacity, maybe they're testing you to see if you have the inner strength. If you're going to claim you're rightful half of the bed or you're going to be somebody that they can control. Now be honest. Is this somebody you?

Relationships are not perfect. That's why me on these is celebrating our imperfectly perfect matches with their new Valentine's Day collection, gifting underwear for Valentine's Day, groundbreaking. Ah, fuck. Is that coming up already? These fucking corporate cunts, do they give you a goddamn fucking month off? We just got through the fucking holiday season. Jesus fucking Christ.

Dude, Valentine's Day is such a fucking kick in the seeds every year. It's like you're just getting your bills coming in from fucking Christmas and then, hey, you know, you got to let her know again for what? It's not her birthday. Gifting underwear for Valentine's Day, groundbreaking. I love it. Sounds cheap to me. Let's do it.

But gifting matching underwear for you and your significant other, now we're talking. I know that sounds stupid to a lot of you guys, but it's great because they know that you think it's stupid, but they think it's cute. If you do it anyway, you get points. And they might get so lost in the dopamine of, aw, you did that for us that they'll not realize that you barely spent any money. First, you're one of the kind relationship when you match your bottom half to your better half in fun, limited edition prints.

I'm going to do this. If you're single, mingle in matching pairs with your friends or family, doesn't that mean you want to bang your friend or family if we're fucking, you're going to start off with, I don't know, you should have put that first, you know, before talking about intimate relationships. Even get dog hoodies, great now, bestiality, or buddy bands to match your four-legged BFF. Oh my God, there's a one-way ticket to jerk off town. Me and my dog wear the same underwear.

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We're going to go to Meundee's. Meundee's, Meundee's, Baba Daba Deepa, Buba Doot Doot Doot Doot Doot Doot Doot Doot Valentine's Day, Hey, Hey, Let's see what they got here. Meundee's newest prints. All right, let's see what they got for the match me. Just the way you are. Look at that. They got a couple of ladies.

Look at them being all progressive. Lesbian love right off the bat. A couple of fucking white people. She's got dyed hair. So, you know, he's got a tattoo. Look at them. They're fucking cutting edge. And then down in the right hand corner,

they have the impossibly good looking young couple. I mean, they really, they hit everything there. All right, so where is it? Match me. Just the way you are. Shop gift, shop gift guide. All right. All right, we're back to the lesbians.

All right. Shredded Asian guy. They just got everything going on here. All right, I don't know what's, I don't even know what, what a, okay, here we go. All right. You know what I hate? I fucking can't stand his sex and food combined.

It's just so fucking gross. You know, remember that nine and a half weeks when he was banging her in the kitchen and he's just fucking wasting all that food? It's just like, what are you doing? Well, you ever go to a titty bar and they go, you guys want some wings? It's like, no.

If I wanted wings, I go to a restaurant. Fucking eat your food here. Oh, there's the matching ones. Jesus Christ. They should have a fucking link to a treadmill on this goddamn thing. All right, I get it. Okay.

I'm just old. Okay. That's not what underwear models used to look like when I was a kid. Underwear models used to make you feel bad about yourself. All right. Now, a rapper bangs girlfriend at, what the fuck was it?

It was at a hockey game. Was this real? Or was this just made up? Oh, he's not. Okay. He wasn't having sex at an NHL game. He was just messing around. Oh, I see it.

This website uses cookies. Oh, is that what it does? Code of Black tricks people that think that he's having sex at an NHL game. All right. Well, that's not exciting. I remember when I was a kid, there was,

what the fuck was it? Not when I was a kid. It was a little, I don't know. Probably when I was in my 20s, it makes me feel like a kid. This couple at a concert jumped up on stage. You want to talk about Roman Reddy? She bends over and the guy was just banging her

in front of the whole fucking crowd. There's got to be a picture of that one. A couple bangs on stage at rock concert. Let's see here. Some results may be explicit. Oh, you think so? It was none of these ones. I can't find it.

It was like, all right, couple performed sex act on stage at punk's rock concert. All right. That just makes it worse. If they just said they banged, it's like a sex act. Couple has sex on stage at a Norwegian music festival.

Oh, this is not like an original idea. Lead singer fucks his fangirl on stage at rock show. Well, the band plays and dances around them. A hippie chick gets fucked hardcore on stage by the lead singer. It says she has a great figure and clearly loves. I'm going to say that this, oh, it's voyeur style. Oh, that's all bullshit.

The bank story from the basement. All right. I swear to God, I saw a picture of it a long fucking time ago. And I was amazed. I was just like that. I mean, talk about like in the moment and not given a fuck. It'd be funny if you did it and everybody started booing. Anyway, all right, that is the Thursday afternoon,

just before Friday, Monday morning podcast. Now we're going to do, oh Jesus, we're going to do a clip. You're going to hear a quick version. My mushroom story. I apologize. It's going to be written. I forget if you listen to this, that's, oh, this is just a clip. This is from the, oh no, this won't be in this.

This is just our picks. This is the episode you get to hear who won the Jimmy the Greek award with me and Verzi picking four games against the spread, battling with each other through 18 weeks of NFL football. We had a great time. It came right down to the wire. All right. Here we just have a listen.

What's up everybody and welcome back to the anything better, NFL preview show. The last show, the regular season is done, but we have the playoffs starting right now guys. And as you know, by now we've teamed up with Bet MGM this season. We'll be using Bet MGM lines to make all of our picks and we'll have special offers for our listeners each week. If you haven't signed up yet for Bet MGM,

just use a bonus code Burr. You'll get $200 free after placing your first $10 bets. Here's how it works. You download the Bet MGM app. You sign up using bonus code Burr. That's B-U-R-R could not be more easy. You place your first $10 money line bet any NFL game. You'll receive $200 and free bets immediately

after placing your bet regardless of the outcome. Just make sure you use bonus code Burr. That's B-U-R-R. But yes, we will go over a dramatic ending to our regular season and we will get into... This is how dramatic it is. I don't even know who won. It's flip flop like three times.

Who won? Dude, hold on. Let's see. We're going to get into what happened because something wild happened. We're going to get into that and then we're going to do our wild card picks. Now we're going to do...

Your mic's off. Your mic is off. Lost your pose. Start. Can't hear you. You got to post that. Can't hear you. We cannot hear you.

This is like watching somebody flip out in the car next to you. You can't hear what they're saying. I was trying to tell Bill what's going on with the thing. So let's... We should pause this and tell him everything that happened. No, no, tell me. Just keep going. What's going on?

So here's what happened. Last night, I did all the math. I watched every fucking episode because there were some discrepancies. Andrew had said that I won by half a game. I said, I got to look at that. I said, I got to look at that. I said, I got to look at that.

I said, I got to look at that. I said, I got to look at that. I said, I got to look at that. I can't... I can't... I'm not winning any stupid shit like this if we don't... If it's not sure. I went over the games last night.

When I went over the games last night, and I fucking wrote it all out. He's going to come 10 hours in. I'm like, why isn't he just fast forwarding? My wife just said, what the fuck? I wasted all... Because I wanted to make sure. Because I was like, I don't know, man.

I don't want anything. So anyways, went to bed last night. I was trying to do the math. You were... You had a half a game lead. I sent it to Andrew in bed MGM. And I told him that. And then they had told me that I took the Packers in week eight.

And I counted it as a loss, but it was a win. But hey, Paul, guess what? Guess what? I don't give a fuck. And Bill did something... No, but dude, what about Bill, dude? Dude, you did something, Bill, that fucking hurt. You go like this.

You go, all right, then fuck it up. In week nine, you go, fuck it, dude. And I'm taking the bills. I'm taking the bills. And then at the very end, you go, no, then I'll just go head to head Cardinals. And that was your 4-0. And that's the game that we didn't have.

Yeah, but I did something stupid also when you were just like, there's the fucking with Urban Meyer. There's no way Jacksonville, this is a lock. And he just bumped me. So just out of spite, I took that fucking game. So... You go because you want it to debunk it. Yes, we're...

No, no, we're... That's one of my life missions, Paul. What's that? Telling gamblers that they don't... There's no such thing as a lock. Well, here's the thing. Because when gamblers talk about a lock, oh my God, I fucking...

They only talk about the victories, Paul. Those other locks that don't make it, they don't add that into their average. I got to say something before we get into this wild car weekend. Watching our show for 18 episodes, I just did the picks. So it was literally only like 10 minutes each thing. So it was only a couple hours, but watching it, I almost called you to say this,

but I know you don't like to take compliments, and I know that you're busy. So the last thing you wanted to do... Dude, you said things during that fucking show that were so fucking on and precise, that if you look back, it's like futuristic shit. And... I knew I was smart.

Dude, you said a couple of things about coaches, and you said a couple of things about shootouts, and you said a couple of things about teams that were on the road. And I was just going, dude, guys, the last week, I got to tell you, I'm at the Falcon Saints game. I don't know what's going on. And all I know is, like a non-winner, I go 0 and 4.

I fucking stumbled to the thing, and then I look at Bill, and Bill's 0 and 3, and I go, oh, shit, we made both fucking just crap out. And of course, Bill goes to the gift that keeps on fucking giving, which is Tom Brady. The game was close into the third quarter, and the Bucks ended up winning. But now...

Dude, I lost money on him all year. Every time I took them, they shit the bed. Yeah, and every time I took the cartels, they shit... And here are our go-tos. I want money on the cartel. Who are your go-tos this year? No, no. So the go-tos after I went through all the weekends,

and I wrote everything down, Bill went hard. Bill loved the cardinals. I loved the Steelers. Okay, Bill loved the Seahawks. Bill, you liked the Seahawks, even when they were like, no chance. You were like... No, but they covered.

Dude, they covered a lot. No, yeah, you liked them. The... I loved the Packers. I was a big Packers. But now... I loved the Bills in the beginning. I got on the Colts bandwagon. Carson wins scores points, and then I wrote that too long.

Eventually, they fuck you. 00:40:07,420 --> 00:40:11,100 Another thing I took from it is the head-to-heads, dude. I just... I beat... I think once or twice. You beat me like four times in the head-to-heads. 00:40:16,140 --> 00:40:17,260 But then you beat me...

Yeah, you beat me like twice. Something like that. But now, the playoff picture is done, everybody. And we have in the AFC, the Las Vegas Raiders playing... There he is. Playing Joe Burrow. Do the thing. Playing...

That game is in SINCY. We have your New England Patriots on the road in Buffalo. That's the Saturday night game. And then Sunday, the Philadelphia Eagles are gonna get their... Are gonna see Sayonara to Tom Brady and the Tampa Bay Bucks. That's the one o'clock game Sunday. And then... Oh, boy. You got the San Francisco 49ers and the Cowboys in Dallas.

That's a great game. And then you have the Pittsburgh Steelers at the Chiefs. And your Arizona Cardinals at the Rams. That's what the playoff picture looks like right now. And, Bill, this is the fun time when we get to tease shit. That Cardinals-Rams game is the game for me. All right. Well, the Cardinals-Rams game... We're gonna do some teases for the fans.

And me and Bill can do this together. So we're gonna... Oh, by the way, real quick. The last thing I gotta say. We closed out the year hitting our third Monday night special. We had a lot of people betting. We made the money. And guys, how many sports shows done by comedians when they both beat the book?

Okay. They're both over... How many done by people who are actually in sports? They pick against the fucking money line. No, no, no. Dude, me and you both beat the book after 72 games of picking. And we hit three Monday night specials. Who does that? We need a raw article about that.

Well, can we get Michael O'Brien on it? Like, oh, no comedians are doing this. All right. Fuck again. I can't fucking look at the... Do I just go to Bet MGM? Yeah. Oh, here it is. I'm an idiot. There it is. I got it. So, Bill. I got it.

So, Bill, what I like to do, and I think Bet MGM likes us to do it, too, and I think it's the best way to do it, is teasing games. We get six points to play with each way. And... I don't like teasing, Paul. Okay. You know where you stand with me. I don't play games.

What about this, though? What about... Let's do a two-team... They have a Monday night playoff game. Jesus Christ. That's incredible. It's incredible. What about... I like giving the Patriots six,

because then they have 10 and a half. And then we put another team with six points. You like the Patriots... I like the Patriots getting 10 and a half in Buffalo. You? I like that. That game scares me. I would tease the fucking Bengals in a second.

Okay. You want to tease the Bengals... You want to tease the Bengals down to getting one. Yeah. I do that. And I'll tease the Patriots getting 10 and a half. I think that that's going to be a motherfucker of a game. I think at the end of the day, I think the head coach with the talent that he has... I think that whoever wins that game,

they're going to eke it out. That's going to be a... That's going to be a nail biter. So I love... This is the best, dude. This is the best. Me and Bill get to team forces and do these teases. So there you go, Andrew. They're for the better.

Team forces. Join forces, Paul. Yeah. You know what I mean? So here's the thing. Hey, Paul, karma's the thing. We're going to take the New England Patriots, just to repeat sure, but we're going to do a two team tease. New England Patriots getting 10 and a half in Buffalo and the Cincinnati Bengals getting one at home against the Raiders.

All right, Bill. Which team do you think has a better chance of getting upset? Tampa Bay against the Eagles or the Chiefs against the Steelers? Oh, fuck. Well, listen, I love a cowboy movie like anybody. So I want to see the old gunslinger come in against the Chiefs. I'll tell you this. This is what... This is my feeling on the Chiefs.

Cowboy versus Indian, baby. That's right. That's right. Steel worker versus fucking arrowhead. I think if the Chiefs fucking snap out of it and kick the shit out of the Steelers, they're going to the Super Bowl or they're going to lose this week. I don't think there's... I don't think there's...

They're either going to just shit the bed the first week against the Steelers or they're going back to the Super Bowl. That's what I think. Well, Andrew, how many games do they want us to do? They want us to do like two games or three games? Whatever you want to do as many... Let's pick them up. Yeah, go down and pick them up.

Yeah, just pick them up. All right, where's the game at? It's an arrowhead? Well, yeah, we already took the first two on a tease. So let's talk Philadelphia bucks. The Buccaneers are eight and a half point favorites at the Old Sombrero. And the Eagles, the Eagles got in kind of barely. I don't know, Jalen Hertz is a quarterback.

I mean, I like Brady and them to win the game. Do they win by 10? Probably. I would tease the Eagles up. You would tease the Eagles up. More points, yeah. I just don't think the Tampa Bay's been consistent. Dude, we could tease it down to two and a half, though.

The Eagles are getting points, right? Yeah, but we could also tease the Bucs down to two and a half having to win by a field goal. We could do it at the six points. Hey, listen, it's our six points. We'd do what we want with it. I think the Eagles are going to play them good. I really do. I don't know why.

I haven't had a feel for fucking Tampa Bay the whole year. They look like they're going to go back to back and then they look like they're going to shit the bed. The same thing with the Chiefs. Every time the Chiefs look like they were dead and buried, it looked like they figured it out again. You know what? You rolled with me on my first tease. I'll roll with you on this.

We could do the Philadelphia Eagles getting, what would that be? 14. It's eight and a half, Andrew, right? Yeah, so they get six. They'd be 14 and a half. I'll take the Eagles and 14 and a half. Okay, so we'll take the Eagles over two touchdowns, which is good. 14 and a half.

And I say we tease Dallas. Dallas can't lose that game. Wait, what about the Chief Steelers? We got to tease that one, too. Let's tease them up, Paul. No, we could tease the Steelers one with the Cardinals and Rams. So there's six games. All right, but who did we tease the Tampa game with?

Yeah, that's what we could decide that now. You want to do the Tampa game with the Steelers game? Oh, I see. You know what I would do? I would tease the two games. I'm not the most sure of. I would tease together rather than have it take down two bets. I like that.

That's a better mentality. I like that. So you're saying that the ones that you don't know too well would be the Steelers and Chiefs? Yeah, that one is a motherfucker of a game. You want to give the Steelers 18 and a half? Big Ben and like, Tomlin, are they going to lose by 20? Dude, is Kansas City going to fucking beat the Steelers?

Like, just Big Ben. I think Big Ben, they're going to play for Big Ben. Listen, the last time they played was three weeks ago in KC, and KC beat the shit out of them. Bad. Like, blowout. Miley knock against the Steelers' date. They're always like, this is what we dope.

All right, we totally defeated it. We're going to keep doing it. I think the Chiefs down. Tease the Chiefs down. All right. All right, it's your bet. I like it. I like it either way, actually.

All right, Andrew, there you go. Tease the Chiefs down and tease the Eagles up. All right, now we're going to do the 49ers, Cowboys. Oh, dude, this is the game. The Arizona Cardinals, Los Angeles Rams. This is the game I want to see. So hold on. I just want to make sure it's written down.

So Andrew, Eagles, 14 and a half. Chiefs minus six and a half. Because we're taking that down six. Okay, now we got two more games. San Francisco 49ers at Dallas, Arizona Cardinals at the Los Angeles Rams. Rams are four and a half point favorites in Los Angeles. Cardinals are coming off a fucking loss,

which I know all too well. I like the Rams in this game. I like their front four. I do too. I don't know what's going on with the Cardinals. I actually think Kyler Murray might be a little hurt. He's got something nagging on him. I don't know what's going on with them.

I would tease the Rams down to getting two and a half. And then this is just my opinion, Paul. You don't have to go with this. Cowboys 49ers, man. I love that. I love that bet, by the way. I love the Rams teased down, getting points. That front four at home.

I love that. All right. Cowboys 49ers, buddy. I need help on that one. This is a tough one, I think. But I think the Cowboys win the game. They can't have another first exit. Dak Prescott's playing great.

Why can't they, Paul? It's what they've been doing through fucking... Ever since Jimmy Johnson has left. Well, what's his face? Barry Switzer got him through. All right. Whatever you want. It's the mid-90s, Paul.

Paul, since we both had full heads of hair, Dallas Cowboys have just not delivered. Dude, that's a great fucking thing. We got to have our listeners. We want to see how successful your team is. But you got to have a picture of you now and then the last time they fucking won a playoff game. Dude, that is great.

Anything better listeners. Yes. You have to hold a picture of the year. This is going to throw back Thursday. That is epic. Andrew, where can they send that to? I wasn't born. I got a...

Oh, no. Last time they played me, they won like a playoff game. What did it run? Oh, okay. 99 maybe? So that would be... No, 99 was with Spreewell when they played the Spurs.

I got to find a picture. Park is campy. I love that team. Anything better podcast at Gmail. Do that one. Okay, guys. There you go. Send your pictures of you holding yourself,

a picture of yourself, of your T1. Anything better podcast at Gmail. And we'll... What we can't do all of it. We'll put like 10 funny ones. We'll put up the funniest ones, dude. There's going to be some rough ones. That's a great call.

I like... This is what I like, Bill. I like the Rams, like you said, down. I like the Cowboys getting three at home in Texas. But if you want to go up, I like the other one too. I like the Niners getting nine. I like it either way. Ooh, Niners getting nine.

Niners getting nine. Is Jimmy G playing? Jimmy G's playing. Is he playing though? How's he been doing the last few weeks? Oh, no, dude, he's... When he came back and beat us, they were...

Dude, they were down 17-nothing against the Rams. That's savage they have on the defensive line. Is he back? Is he healthy? Hubosa? Yeah. That I don't know. Andrew, can I have that information,

considering I don't know fucking how many wins I have and how many losses? Oh, I'm going to protest that, Paul. I'm going to whine about that like Jim Erse. By the way, dude, how good looking is Jimmy Garoppolo? That kid came up with his suit in the press conference. Tan, I was just like, this kid is crushing. Yeah.

The only thing he didn't have was a... You know what I would wear, Bill, in the press conference? I'd wear black turtleneck, jacket, chain outside the turtleneck. He's playing. He's playing. He is playing. Is he healthy?

Yeah. Says healthy post-ACL tear. How long has he been back? Does that guy healthy as a fucking problem? Oh, wait a minute. Relatively healthy across roster, that's what it says. Yeah. A couple soon.

I don't know, Paul. Is this the year the Cowboys finally do it? I mean, I don't know. I like 49s with nine better than I like the Cowboys getting three because I think it's going to be obviously a close game. So why not take nine points instead of just getting three? Okay, I'll roll that way. I like the Cowboys.

Well, I feel like you're like a battered wife this week. You're not making any, I'm making all of these fun. You just go with it. I like Dallas better, but the Niners getting nine is cool. All right, but I feel like we went with everything that I said. So you want the Cowboys? Let's do the Cowboys getting three and the Rams getting two and a half. I like that.

I'm out there, Cowboys. You know what? Both are home. Both want to, you know, I like that. I also think the Cowboys rested up for this game. I like it. Well, I got a good promo picture for us. I dress like Tom Landry and you dress like Jimmy Johnson

because that's how we are. I'm all fucking stoic with the Fedora and you're more with the chain out. How about damn Cowboys? Here's what we got to do. Before next year's competition starts, me and Bill should shoot a photo promo out there where we're different coaches and different years, different. Like we'll go and look at players that we look like. Dude, that would be nuts, dude.

Well, I look like the punter on Houston. Everybody says and the guy, Sean, what's his face from the Bills? Oh, dude, we'll put a Bills jacket on you with what he wears on the sidelines for the Bills and the hat. That'll be hilarious. Then we'll do one where, yeah, you're like Landry. And no, no, no, who's the guy? You look like one of the, you look like if we got you a wig, you could play the guy.

He was, he was the Browns coach. Remember that time? He's going one time, one time, one time when the guy was lying up for the field goal. I think he missed it too. No, who was that? I don't know who that is. For some reason, I'm thinking Eric Parsegan or something like that. But I think he was a coach in Notre Dame.

Let me just, let me look up NFL films one time. Bill, you remember Jerry Glanville? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. He goes, this is all the five, five, 15 dresses in black. They're going to overcome my game plan. He goes, this is the NFL, which stands for not for long when you're making those fucking calls. All right, Browns coach. All right, NFL films one time, Browns coach.

Sam Reticleano. Yes, that was him. One time. Can I see a picture of him? I'll dress like him and I'll take a picture. He actually, you know, who could do it. Mark Norman could probably do a good Sam Reticleano. And he's Italian too, which is hilarious.

I just got to see the hairstyle. It's the wavy black, clean shaven. Oh, wow, dude. Get out, get that first one there, that first one. He's got the brown jacket on. There you go. I mean, you look at that guy's face. You tell me that guy is not coaching Cleveland.

Oh my. You just see the pain of that city on his face. Dude, oh my God, Bill, dude, I got to get a black wig and do that. Dude, I'm not going to lie. I'm sure he's passed. Rest his soul. But dude, that guy looks like he's at it. Was it an OTB many times?

I'll tell you what makes no sense. How bushy his eyebrows are and his forearm is, and he still has a full head of hair. Usually when a guy that guy's that hairy, it's almost like it falls off your head onto your eyebrows into your fucking arms. He's still alive, Paul. Oh, OK, good.

Dude, we got to get him on the podcast. He could talk cardiac kids with Brian Sight, Reggie Rucker. Can we get the video of him saying one time or no? Oh, look. I got to see that, dude. Oh, yeah. I mean, this is, yeah. The hands on the knees.

One time, one time, baby. One time, one time. Come on, baby. One time. I think he misses it. One time, baby. One time, one time. Just once.

Bill, that reminded me one time you sent me a video of a guy watching his horse. Do you remember that? He's going, come on. Dude, you sent it to me. Was I at that thing? The guy whipping his own ass? No, no.

You sent me a video of a guy watching it. No, there was a guy. There was a guy. He was, he was like miming it. And he had his program. He was going like this and he was whacking his own ass. Like he was hitting the horse where he's smacking his own ass in a fucking.

It was fucking. I've never seen anything like, you know how I'm trying to think like sports, you fucking act out. You know, you do, you know, like he, I don't know. If you like bowling or something, you do like body English. This guy was literally riding the horse and taking his program. Like, I don't know. Are you looking for it, Andrew?

No, you are. Yeah. If you could get that guy, dude, but one guy was just screaming that the horse's name. And as the horse got closer, he started screaming the horse's name louder and going, God, God, then the horse lost. Oh, is that sorry? Hope it was.

Yeah. You just like, yeah, they kind of, but it was, there's something sad, but awesome about an 80 year old doing that. All right. So while you're looking for that, what we'll just recap these teases, guys, hope you guys join the teas, teasers that we did. We have, um, just a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a approach to one of these guys hoped.

Guys, join the tases. Teases that we did, we have, um, Joe Burrow getting one and the New England Patriots getting 10 and a half against the bills. Dude, we gotta smoke a cigar with Joe Burrow one day. Yeah, we do. The Philadelphia, no, no, what do we do with the Philadelphia Eagles? We teased them up. We teased the Philadelphia Eagles up to 14 and a half.

I think Cap is going to win that. I like Eagle. I don't think we'll win by that much. Okay. And we teased that game with the Chiefs, the Chiefs getting the Chiefs minus six and a half. And we have the San Francisco Niners getting nine in Dallas and the Los Angeles. No, no, no, you took the Cowboys. You took the Cowboys.

Okay. I'm sorry. Sorry. See, Glej. The Cowboys we teased down to Cowboys are getting three at home. Yep. And the Los Angeles Rams we teased down six to so they'll be getting two and a half. Right?

At home in Los Angeles. So those are our teases for Wild Card weekend. I'm interested to see if the Patriots can knock them off. That's a possibility with Bella checking them. That should be good, man. Oh, Billy. Billy's going to be watching that. You're going to be watching that game.

Yeah. I think, yeah, they are a really, really good team. They're a really good team. What would you do? Matt Jones goes in there against Buffalo, like 22 for 25, three touchdowns, 365 yards. He's definitely doing the bills. Beat us the last time. They're a really good team and they have a really good coach and they're playing at home

and they're sick of fucking losing. And yeah, I picked the Packers. I never agree with Dan Shaughnessy, but he said something this week the Pats can't play from behind and that's kind of what it's looking like. So it's going to be one of those deals where if we have to play catch up with Josh Allen and fucking was it Stefan Diggs? That's Shaughnessy guy. That's Shaughnessy guy saying that the first year with the new fucking,

like you made the playoffs. That's such like a negative sportswriting thing to say, I think. Well, I mean, he's kind of hung his hat on that. Yeah. He's the guy that wrote the Curse of the Babe. And he's also the guy like after the Curse of the Babe was over the next year, we had a bunch of injuries in September and the Yankees were coming on. He was like, is the curse back?

Yeah. The outside of what? One year. He's trying to sell books. Yeah. He's the type of guy if you handed him a bunch of cash, you're like, where am I going to put this? I don't have enough room to put it in my pocket.

Well, in defense of him, there was a lot of Boston sportswriters like New York sportswriters. It's like, are you actually secretly a Yankee fan? Are you secretly from like fans of other teams? Because all you guys do is try to pull apart. Like I love when they speculate that there's problems in the locker room and shit. It's just like, it's like, so what if there is they'll work it out? They're men. Shut up.

Yeah, somebody has somebody. Yes, this is the last thing. And then we'll go on to the thing. Somebody has John Mara. They go like this because John Mara and the New York Giants actually talk about that for a second. John Mara and the New York Giants decided, even though they said they were going to just get rid of the GM and keep Joe Judge because they actually decided that the last few games of the Giants were such a debacle that they're going to start over.

They fired Joe Judge yesterday. And then the owner, John Mara, comes out and the questions and he's such a gentleman about it. And the questions are like one kid goes, so do you think like this is a desired place for a GM, you know, considering that you might have a quarterback issue and the coaches have been in and out all the time? Easy question. Yes, it is. It's New York City.

Is this a desirable place to be a sports writer? And he wasn't even he wasn't even arrogant like that. He goes, well, you know, I think this is a desired job. You know, he's like, we've been a little unstable lately, but, you know, I think we've had some success. He was just it was the dumbest fucking question ever. And it really bugged me. But, you know, I'm excited.

New GM, new coach coming in. We might hold on and see if they get up. I would be such a cunt to those people. I'd be like, do you think you're desirable? You think the woman that ends up with you is truly going to be happy like you're the prince that she dreamed of riding up on that white horse with your laptop? Oh, Bill. Bill, we get the Saturday to do the song.

Oh, let the Saturday night special make some money for you. That's my favorite part. All right. So Saturday night is the Steelers. No, thank you. Still stills. Oh, oh, okay. So we got Moneyline.

We got under the underovers 44. Put up. Dude, you want to move that up to 50 bill? What do you think? Bill, this is your team. You know better than me. This is an AFC rivalry. You know better than me.

Oh, fuck. I don't know about this game. Let me just let me think about this for a second. I could see this being a shootout. I just know first one was a weird game with the wind. And the next one we played with them. And then I believe they pulled away in the end. I don't know what are you thinking for like the over or under?

I see both teams in the 20s. But I see like a 26-20 game. I see something like that, man. I don't know. I think we tease it down and take the over. Let's tease it to 38. Okay. I like that.

Yeah. Our Saturday night special going into the first week of the playoffs, Wildcard weekend, Buffalo Bills at home against the New England Patriots. We are going to tease the under down to 38 and take the over. We are going to tease the 4.5 points to Patriots are getting and bring that to 10 and a half. And we are going to say that. Do you want Bentley's going to get a sack?

Do you want the Patriots get a sack? The Patriots get a sack. There you go, guys. This has been this is the first week. First week of Wildcard weekend. Playoffs. Playoff playoffs. Thank you guys for listening and watching me.

Playoffs. All right, man. We will see you. We'll see you going into what the divisional. Yeah, we'll see you going into the divisional series next week. Take care. All right. And there you have it.

That is the that is the the end the Jimmy the Greek award. Congratulations to Paul Versey. Paul Versey getting it done. The guy went on a tear in December and he ran me down the son of a gun. All right. That's it. Enjoy the music here picked out by the always, always fabulous Beverly Hills' own Andrew Thamelis.

And afterwards, we'll have a bonus episode of the Thursday afternoon just before Friday Monday morning podcast. Enjoy and have a great weekend. I'll see you. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's the Monday morning podcast for Monday. January 13th, 2014.

How you doing? Monday the 13th. You know, I heard that one's bad luck too. Oh, with your fucking trinkets. Huh? What are you going to grow up and just just fucking man up lady and realize that you fucked up your own life? You know, you know, it's people that got to spin around three times and throw some

cookie crumbs over their fucking padded shoulder. You know, so, so, so something doesn't, something bad doesn't happen. I'd like to take all superstitious people, put them in a room and after I'm done slapping them with the fucking garden hose, I'd just like to tell them that, listen, bad shit happens in life. Okay. No matter what you got hanging around your neck now, I mean, how many times you fucking point your fucking toe, your left foot, do south, whatever the fuck you're supposed

to do, it's still going to happen. Still going to happen. It's still going to happen. Bounces out the good shit. All right. So why don't you stop being such a fucking pussy? Oh man, I talked about that a long time ago. I don't care if you do or you don't.

I'm going to bring it back up. Do you have it? Did you guys ever see that? Was it Jesus camp? No, no, no, no, no. It was one of those big brother shows. One of those shows. One of those, one of those, one of those fucking reality shows, you know,

where they got a couple of meat heads in there, one of them's gay. The other has no, was raised by wolves. And then there's a couple of hotties. There's never a fat chick. You know, all these people getting in trouble for fat shaming. How about these reality shows? When was the last time you saw a fat chick just walking around in a thong in the big brother house?

You're never going to see it. You're never going to fucking see it. All right. The only time they put them on fat people on a reality show, if the show is about, I don't want to be fat anymore. You know, I can't take a one, but anyways, there was this show and there was some chick on it, the reality show.

And anytime she had some big challenge coming up, she had to climb into a fucking tree house, you know, without tipping over the cupcakes, whatever the fuck they're supposed to do. There's some angry at his dad hosts. Now the blue team is slowing down. What the fuck? You know that guy from the island show? What is it called?

Dangerous survivor. I fucking hate that show. My wife watches that goddamn show and we both sit there laughing. He's such a cunt. I don't know what happened. He never used to be that way. I think he's sick of doing it. One of those like, be careful what you wish for.

Like, I mean, at first it was his dream job. He comes home to his wife, honey, I got this idea for a show. I'm so fucking sick of being out here in Hollywood, stuck in this goddamn traffic, you know, trying to get the other side of the 405 to audition to be fifth banana and like a fucking chapstick commercial. I don't want to do it anymore.

01:11:09,260 --> 01:11:12,700 I'm thinking of moving to Colorado Springs and opening up a fucking burrito joint. What do you think? And she's sitting there going, well, why don't you just... Well, why don't you just... Okay, I understand you're stressed. Um, go ahead and just say, should I love my drink? You never support me anyways.

That's not what I'm saying. That's not what I'm saying. Just, just, you know, you're very emotional at this point. This is very, this is extreme. Um, why don't you create your own show? You know, why don't you just... I don't know, you like islands. Don't you?

I guess you kind of do like islands. All right, and then they just sit there at the little fucking starving artist kitchen table and they come up with this fucking show that puts him on a goddamn island. He gets paid, he's on TV, he's going to get, you know, groupie island chest hair pussy, right?

Chest hair means chicks who like tanned up chests with, with, with hair on it. And he gets his job. But then they're like, well, wait, wait, no, no. Before that, they're like, well, I don't know how to write a script. And like, well, why don't we just make it like a game show? Well, that fucking stupid, right?

He's all pissed again. And he wants to go back to the burrito, but she kept him in the pocket like every great woman by an every great man kept him in the pocket. And somehow at some point, probably halfway through the second joint, they fucking realized, wait a minute, what about the real world?

We'll do a reality show, right? We'll take 10 fucking morons and we'll stick them on this goddamn island. All right. And they'll, they'll, they'll play hopscotch and fucking connect for whatever the fuck we got to do. And the last fucking, so whatever. So he gets the goddamn job.

I don't know where the fuck I am in this anymore. So he gets a fucking job. And now this, he's out there. And this, this is that tipping point where after a while you just, you're a human being and you just get fucking bored of the same fucking routine. The exact way that I ended up in this business or one of the main reasons, maybe why I travel so much

is because one of the most depressing feelings I ever had when I, back when I was in the matrix, and I actually had a real fucking job, you know, I got up in the morning and made myself a little tuna fish sandwich, a little plastic thing of some Fritos, toss an apple in there, walking out to the car, right? The grease from the Fritos already making

that pit stain on my little brown bag. As I walk up to my rusted out car, hoping it's going to start, hoping I don't have a problem with the fucking alternator, right? There was nothing more fucking depressing. Then that, that moment when I was, had been there for a year and I was actually sitting there going one year ago, I was right fucking here, I hated that shit. And I think that that fucking island dude, he's not an island dude,

he's a mainland dude on the fucking island. I think it's fucking with him at this point, okay? He doesn't give a shit anymore. He just wants to get through those stupid fucking obstacle courses because he wants to get, he's going fucking nuts out there. He's already, he's guys been out on that fucking island since like 1999, all right? At this point, he's kind of like those Japanese soldiers that didn't know World War II ended and they didn't find him till 1974.

That's what the fuck is going on with this guy. So I don't know if you've noticed, but Nia watches that show religiously and with every season, that fucking guy gets angrier and angrier. Now the red team, they need to pick it up. He just sits there, fuck. I just realized she's still sleeping upstairs. What the fuck?

It's five at 10 in the morning, you know? At that point, I'm allowed to fucking drill a jackhammer. I can't do a fucking podcast. This is how I win arguments. I rehearse what I'm going to say before I get into them, you know? And then during the argument, I act like I'm fishing, like I think I don't already have the information. And that's how I win.

Anyway, so this is the Monday morning podcast everybody and I don't even know what the fuck I was talking. I was talking about superstitious people. You guys like when I do Stevie Wonder? Could that have been any whiter? You know what? I think I'm going to do that down in Koreatown tonight. I'll probably get a standing ovation.

Golden Globes, everybody. Look, I went from reality TV. What was I talking about? I was talking about fat chicks and thongs. Was that my point? Ah, there's never any point to this fucking thing. The point is for me to talk for an hour and just somehow eat up an hour a year Monday.

That's what it is, whether it's in the morning or it's in the afternoon. One of my favorite things about this podcast is that it is called the Monday morning podcast in the amount of fucking people who so selfishly feel that it's their Monday, you know? Like they're doing any sort of heavy lifting on this podcast other than downloading it for fucking free.

All right? Why don't you and your index finger go fuck yourselves? This is my Monday morning. It's 9.56 a.m. where I am, and I am recording this fucking podcast. All right? How many times have you sent something FedEx

second day to get there before 9 and it doesn't get there till 3 in the afternoon? Are you one of those cunts that tries to hold FedEx? You know? Try to get $3 and a quarter taken off your little fucking envelope. Not even thinking that you sent something from San Diego to Bangor, Maine

and isn't that fucking amazing? Because me as a person who actually gives a shit about getting there can't get there that quick. Can I? I don't think I can. I don't fucking know. It's amazing because the letter doesn't care. It doesn't have a dog in the fight.

It's a fucking letter. It's just sitting there waiting to biodegrade. So I cut him some slack. Jesus Christ. Can you tell I got a bunch of shit to do today? None of this is going to make sense. Let's talk about the Golden Globes. So, oh, yesterday.

Yesterday I went, I saw the Wolf, the Wolf of Wall Street. I saw what Joey Roses and my lovely wife, Nia, I went down and I saw the movie. We were in the movie theater. We watched it together. It was a great moment because me and fucking DeRosa love Scorsese, all of his movies. We quote him all the fucking time.

Verzi does it too. Yet I've never gone to a brand new Scorsese, Scorsese, however the fuck you say it. They were saying it different last night at the Golden Globes. And he didn't have an angry look on his face, so I think I've been saying it wrong. Of course, Scorsese. We went down and saw his movie, had a great fucking time.

And then I went home and I said, all right, I'm going to fucking, oh, what was my point? Oh, my point was, oh yeah, me and Joe, we're going to start doing the uninformed show again. All right, we're in the same city. We're going to start it out doing it once a month. And for those of you who never heard of it, it's basically the uninformed show,

no reading, no research, just strong opinions. And basically me and Joe, we go off for an hour on a particular topic, just coming from the heart, making all kinds of ignorant statements. And then when our hour of ignorance is over, we bring in an expert on whatever topic we were discussing, and then he basically tells us how fucking stupid and wrong we are.

And that's the show. All right, if you can't do the math on that, I can't help you. So we were getting excited talking about that. And so then later on last night, later, I decided I was going to be a good fucking person here, and I'm going to watch the Golden Globes. All right, I watched the first playoff game, and then I recorded the second one, playoffs.

And so I watched the Charges vs. the Broncos. I watched that game in about 50 minutes. It was fucking phenomenal. It was fucking phenomenal. And I already forget the name of the Chargers receiver, who just fucking is going to be a goddamn superstar. Whatever the fuck his name was, he really, really impressed me on the big stage,

on the big stage there. So, well, fuck it. Let's talk NFL football. I'm already into it. What do you say? What do you say to football fans? What do you say? All the favorites won, as far as I can tell.

You know, like Verzi said the dumbest thing ever. He goes, Patriots, Broncos in the AFC championship. Dude, I called it. Oh, Verzi going out on a limb again. Um, I'll take Brady and Manning. I think they're going to do something. But I actually, I didn't believe in the Patriots. I still can't, I can't believe how fucking well they're playing.

All the injuries that they've had, obviously going into Denver is going to be a tough, tough game. I traveled so much, I think we beat them this year. Yeah, we did. That's right. They were up big and then we came back and beat. All right, so now we're going to go in their house and they're going to beat us.

That's how it works. That's how it works. And the one I can't understand is, uh, this is going to be a tough one. Seattle and San Francisco, because you got the division rivals. You never know which way it's going to fucking go. It's like the Patriots. No matter how good they are every year, they're going to lose to the Bills, the Jets and the Dolphins.

Two out of three of them, they're going to lose to them like once. At least unless they get some juggernaut of a fucking team. But I'm just saying. They see it twice. They know what you do and every other fucking cliche out there. But I still, I'm sticking with Seattle. I'm blocking out that fucking douche chill 12th man musical that's going on. We registered an earthquake every fucking game.

They go in the way of the Raider fans too. More and more people, they're starting to become characters. They're starting to paint their faces. It's just somebody, the real, you know, they have the real housewives of fucking Atlanta. I need the real Seattle Seahawks fans of Seattle. You got to tell those people to leave the capes at home. You know, every team has got that one jackass that paints his fucking face,

shaves his head and sticks the emblem on the side of his head. Everybody's got that one fucking jerk off and it's fine. It's fine to have one, but there is a tipping point in the stands where there's too many of them and they start bringing their signs. We were making fun of that shit. Like if you have end zone seats and you make a bullseye sign, just how fucking unoriginal you are. That's right up there with the defense sign and the John three 16.

I don't even read the Bible. Okay, I don't know how to make songs like that. I don't know what words to use. Sorry. Um, yeah, how about an original fucking sign? You run in the milk every day fucking cunts, sitting around talking about all this comics, not original, that movie's not original.

This is derivative. This guy ripped off this and look at you. Look what you guys, you got all fucking week, probably more than a week. You probably got the tickets for your birthday or some shit. You have all that time to come up with a fucking sign and you make the defense sign. Why don't you just put on a stupid hat and then act like you're the crazy guy, despite the fact that you're a faithful married father of three who pays his taxes on time.

Well, I'll tell you something happens when he puts that hat on. We don't know what he's going to do. He's paying for his pretzels just like you are. Ah, there's nothing I hate more than the character fucking, the fan that's become a fucking character. Ah, right there. I swear to God, you know what they should do to everybody who does that? They should pull them out of the stands and make them throw a ball in public.

Okay. And when you watch the lack of whipping motion, you know, that's how a chick throws a ball that didn't have brothers. You know what I mean? The way they throw the arm motion of a girl throwing who didn't have a dad that stuck around and taught her how to throw a ball, it literally looks like cheap animation. Like it skipped a couple of frames. It's just the worst thing I would put my money down.

Put your money down. I'd put my money down that if you took one of those fucking face painted douchebags out of the fucking crowd, that's how they would throw a ball. I could be wrong. I could be wrong. I don't, I like the way it used to be. When you go to a fucking game back in the day, you went to the game, maybe you had some old shitty hat from your team, you know, and that was it.

And the rest, you had your stupid jet. You just, the rest of you, you know, other than your fucking hat, when you walked out of that stadium and your alcohol level, you could, you could go to work. You just fucking looked regular and you went there. You drank beers, you got drunk and you scared kids. That's what you did in the old days. Okay. You pissed in a giant horse trough and there wasn't any sushi.

And there wasn't this fucking dumb ass music. What did I, I went to a game recently, I went to the Bruins LA Kings game and the Bruins played like they really enjoyed their time out here in LA. Do you know how many times I've gotten burned on that? Any Boston fans who are coming out here? And you know, you get homesick and everything. So anytime the Celtics, the Bruins or the Red Sox go down to fucking Anaheim to play the Angels or whatever, unless they do some interleague shit with the Dodgers, you're going to go.

Um, I got to warn you, actually specifically with the, uh, with, with the Bruins and the Celtics, I got to warn you. Okay. Don't buy expensive tickets because I'm telling you, especially with hockey, these poor bastards have to go play a, they got to go do a road trip in the middle of February through Cal, Winnipeg, Calgary, Edmonton and Vancouver. If that's to fucking kill me, I would be a raging alcoholic if I had to do that. So by the time they come down to these sunny fucking cities, they got cabin fever.

I'm telling you, or it's just, you know, LA's got some of the best looking women out here. They're famous. I'm telling you, they don't play. I can't believe the Kings. It took them this long to get good. I would think that they would fucking destroy all East Coast teams and Canadian teams, other than maybe Vancouver, just cause they don't fucking like each other. I don't know the amount of times I spent like 80, 100 bucks through stub hub

to watch the Celtics play the Clippers back when the Clippers sucked. Um, and I would watch the big three come in there and just get smoked. That's fucking brutal. So I'm just saying, all right, just be careful with your money out here. Just get the upper deck. Shit. Don't wear any stuff. It just go there dressed like you're fucking going to work or something

and then just cheer your team and it's great. If your team wins, they win. If they lose, you walk out of the stadium, you know, and you don't have to listen to anybody take it to that next level that makes you want to throw a fucking punch, and then you're going to get stomped by the neck tattoo guy. It's just a different thing out here. It's not fun. It's not a fun place to see a game out here.

They take it to a, uh, just a different level. You know, like when you sit around giving each other shit, look at your shirt, your shirt's too tight and all that crap. And there's somebody that, yeah, at least my mother isn't dead. It's always like that person. That's what West Coast fans are. Anyways, the fuck was I talking about? Oh, NFL football.

So I still think it's, uh, it is Seattle's. I just think that that, I don't know. I just like the way they play. They got Marshawn Lynch who's a fucking, was the last time he didn't get hit three times before he went down. I cannot get that fucking guy down. All right, that defense is insane. Can you tell I've been on the road for so long?

I can't even fucking name anybody's name. They have beautiful uniforms. No, I just think out of the way they're playing. And I, I don't think that, uh, I think they match up well with the Broncos. I don't know about the 49ers. This is their Super Bowl. They get by the 49ers. I'm, I'm, I'm saying they're winning it.

They beat the 49ers. They're going to win it because, uh, I just did defense is better than the Broncos. And I think the, with Marshawn Lynch, they can fucking chew up the clock. And if Peyton doesn't have the ball in his hand, what the fuck is he going to do? And I think Peyton gets frustrated

when he goes up against really, uh, physical aggressive receivers. At least he did back in the day when that's what we had on our team. Um, and who knows if the Patriots go there, Jesus, I'll just be fucking thrilled that we made it. I really will be. And everybody's giving me shit.

Dude, how can we come down on your own fucking team? I don't know. Cause we lost our whole fucking receiving core. We lost all these guys on defense. I'm, I'm stunned that they've been able to do it. Once again, I'm saying it. I'm telling you right now, Tom Brady's have one of the best fucking seasons he's ever had

working with what he's working with. All right. With that, I have no idea who's going to win next week. I hope we fucking win, but, uh, you know, I feel like, you know, we beat them last time. And, uh, I don't know. I was really impressed with Denver's defense too. So who the fuck knows whatever.

All I know is they're going to be great fucking games. And I'm watching every second of it. All right. And that's the deal. That's all they got to say about that. All right. Let's do a little bit of advertising here this week. A little bit of fucking advertising.

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All right, there you go. That was pretty painless this week. Anyways, okay, so I watched the Golden Globes. I watched most of them last night. As you do, you know, I was watching all the football this weekend, so I figured, you know, I got to come her way. I'll sit down. I'll go, come and watch it with me.

I want you to watch it with me. So I sat down and I watched the Golden Globes and it wasn't bad. It's for an award show. It wasn't bad. The hosts were great. They were funny. And the only thing that bugged me was the amount of people who went up there and when they won a Golden Globe, like, oh, I got it.

I got it. I have it. I have it. I was not ready for this. I can't. What do you mean you're not ready for it? You were fucking nominated. Jesus Christ, head your fucking bets.

The amount of people that went up there and said, oh my God, I can't believe this. I'm not prepared. I didn't think I was going to fucking win. You know, like some fucking backup goalie just sitting there and all of a sudden, you know, I'm not getting in this game. We're up five. Nothing is a joke.

You know, you start texting on the bench and all of a sudden the starting goalie pulls his groin. Now you got to go out there. What the fuck? Unbelievable. Do you see how much you want to see how it's done? You should have seen Michael Douglas. The way he accepted his Golden Globe. First of all, for some fucking reason, anybody who won a Golden Globe last night

was seated like 75 yards away and you had to fucking walk all the way down and then backstage and then come walking out from backstage like everybody didn't just see you get up from your table. So what does he do? He assesses the situation like Jesus Christ has taken too fucking long. So the second he gets called, he doesn't go, oh my God, oh my God, do you believe it? And you know, clasp his hands together and then slam them down into his lap. You know, the hacky, I've just won an award in show business move.

He didn't. He got up and he starts jogging, right? Like a wily veteran, a grizzled veteran who knows how to utilize the clock. He's running up to the offensive line. He fucking gets on the stage. He goes into a great story about how he got the part. He thanked everybody before the fucking oboe player even started. It was phenomenal.

It's like watching Joe Montana. Joe Montana run the two minute offense. It was great. He did everything but say John Candy's in the crowd, right? That's probably a bad joke because he could have been in the crowd. He would have been in the crowd if he didn't die. Ah, shit. You know what?

It was a great analogy right up until then. But other than that, I swear to God, like 40% of the people went up there and said, oh my God, I can't fucking believe it. What do you mean you can't fucking believe it? What do you mean you're not prepared? Didn't the fact that you got nominated months ago or weeks ago? It's like a fucking 50 second. They give you like a minute.

You know who you're supposed to thank, right? Is that just like what you're supposed to do? You're supposed to have false humility? Is that how you say it? If I ever win a Golden Globe, I'm not going to be fucking modest at all. I'll just be up there talking shit just before I even get up to the podium. That's right. That's right.

That's right. I'm not going to come up here and pretend to be modest, dude. I fucking crushed it this year. Do you see what I was working with? You see that horseshit that they put on the paper that bring the life? Pay attention to me, Alice. That was supposed to be me yelling at Anne B. Davis. Jesus Christ.

I don't know what the fuck. I had to keep walking out. There was some zombie that went up there. First of all, she sat for fucking a minute looking around just milking the whole fucking moment. You know, and she was the classic old actress, right? She had the body of a 23 year old in the face of a mummy. You know, go fuck yourself if you think that's too mean, all right? Dress and act your goddamn age with the fucking shoe polish in your hair,

coming down there looking like a sexy scarecrow. Anyways, so she fucking comes down there like something out of a horror movie. I literally, I had to walk out of the room. I have this thing, not only do I hate bombing, I can't stand watching people bomb. It makes me uncomfortable. I had to walk out. Nia sat there with her hand up to her mouth,

and I don't know what this woman was doing. At one point I heard she asked another actor to stand up in the crowd for inspiration. I'm sure everybody's ripping her apart on the fucking internet, but Jesus Christ, just go up and say thank you. I'm psyched. This is great. I'm going to make way more money now because I have one of these. Women who are completely out of my league might actually do a little

double take when I walk down the street. Thank you so much. I'm going to hold this thing under my chin like I'm telling a ghost story. So the gold is reflected off my face. Thank you to everybody writing the shit that I said. Thank you for editing it. Thank you for making me look good. Go fuck yourself.

What's up to the band and you're out? How fucking difficult is that? I'm not saying you won't be nervous. I don't fucking know. Oh, I can't believe. I can't believe. You know, like you had a fucking Chinese restaurant, a bunch of balloons came down from the ceiling.

Okay, I just had no idea. Really? You just walk around dressed like that? You didn't notice the other celebrities in the room? Why do you have to pretend you're not fucking psyched? Anyways, that's why I loved when Cuba Gooding won the Oscar. And he started running around like some fucking soccer mom that just won a new Winnebago or whatever the fuck they drive.

It was mini vans or the publisher's clearing house. Just showed up at his house. That's what the fuck you should do. Right? Ah, it gives a fuck. Anyways, you watch how I handle it at the podcasting awards. Do they, I think they have those, have those when it's time to change. They actually have podcasting awards.

They should have you accept them like fucking over Skype. You know, they, she shouldn't be in the flesh, should you? Shouldn't we just be voices? Um, all right, let's plow ahead here. Golden Globes, what did I want to talk about here? Oh yeah, I started doing yoga this year. I'm doing a nice long pause here as I wait for every guy who's listening to this to say a couple of homophobic things.

And I bought these great stretchy pants that I wear and a half shirt, you know, because you really want to be like, don't judge me, but you really just want to like, you don't want to feel like, um, you don't have like loose clothing on, you know, you want to feel like you're being held. Sorry. I'm just trying to put a disgusting image in your head of me with yoga pants and a half shirt on. Yeah, think about that. You know, my pasty white belly muffin top hanging over.

All right, so of course I can't just do a little bit of yoga and get my, you know, stretch out my fucking spine after all these hours I've spent on airplanes. My fucking, you know, all in nothing stupid attitude in life is I go from, I'm going to start doing yoga again this year because I haven't done it like three fucking years. Um, I immediately just go from I'm going to start doing yoga to I'm going to do 150 hours of yoga this year, which translates to three hours a year, which translates me also going, what about years, uh, weeks when I'm on the road and I'm one of a chance to, I need to build up extra time so I can stay ahead of it.

You know, like one of those sci-fi movies where you need that energy life force on your fucking bracelet, right? I'm trying to get extra, extra guys, like you'd be playing like a video game. So of course I go too far and I fucking, I think I, I slightly hyper extended my goddamn knee. What an asshole. I do this all the time. If I'm going to start playing drums, I play drums too much and I've hurt my fucking shoulder on my hand. I just, I don't know. I don't want my fucking problems. I think that's why I succeeded as a comedian because there's no way to like physically hurt

yourself as a standup comic. You just stand in there talking, right? I guess you can act something out so much that you accidentally throw yourself off the stage, but you could still come up and do it the next show, right? I don't know. Anyways, so yeah, I'm too old to lift. I'll lift a little bit, but what happens is you're still eating like shit. Then you just get that I'm still lifting middle age body. We, where we have a shirt on, you can kind of see that there's shoulders and there's pecs there, but like your belly still sticking out, right? You know, those guys, and then they always have some sort of wallet chain. I don't want to be that guy.

I really don't want to be that guy. So anyways, we'll see. We'll see what happens. Why do I always fucking do that? You know, from fucking day one, I'm going to do yoga. And with, within three days, I'm trying to do like a fucking full split. And then I get hurt, hurt. And then I'm just, you know what happened? I smoked a cigar last night. I got to stop with this fucking shit. You know what's at my age, what's really scary is I lose a drinking buddy every week at my age at 45. They just drop in like flies. The wife says I have to cut down. I got a fatty liver. I got a kid. I can't fucking do it anymore. All right. All right. I'm gay. And that's why

I was drinking all these years. All of those fucking things, you know, there's like nobody left. Two of my buddies. I lost two guys this week telling me I got to stop. There's something wrong with my stomach and I got a fatty liver. And all I'm thinking is how come I'm not feeling anything? Well, probably because I never got my liver checked out. You don't feel anything, right? You just walked down the street one day with your fucking wallflower nose. There, my little chickadee, right? And then all of a sudden you just do a face plant and it's over. Is that how you die of cirrhosis?

Cyrhosis, cirrhosis, Scorsese? I don't fucking know. Yeah, I got a layup. I'm done with fucking cigars. I'm done with those things, man. Those things are, that's like sucking on a bus tailpipe. It's just, yeah, I didn't inhale. Oh, great. So I just get fucking mouth and throat cancer. What a man, asshole. I got to stop this shit. It's the hardest thing about being an adult is you have to be your own fucking parent. You know, when you were a kid, you know, your parents were there to stop you from eating a whole sleeve of cookies. You, the second you move out, you can do whatever the fuck you want. You can literally be doing heroin as you're eating fucking cookies.

And there's nobody there to say, stop. It's fucking annoying. I got a layoff, man. I can't do it though. I just can't seem to get, you know what it is? It's all these social things, football games come up, go no hockey game. That starts tomorrow, it starts tomorrow. And then last night, you know, Joey Roses got me a great fucking bottle of this just fucking, I don't know, Japanese scotch. And I'm like, well, I got to try it. And of course, it was absolutely delicious. Now I got to have a fucking cigar with it. I'm sitting out on my porch with my Red Sox robe on. My bathrobe is also my smoking jacket, because I'm an environmentalist, and I'm sitting out there smoking. There's nothing dumber than smoking a really good cigar

when you're cold. It's another thing too. This is a bad time here to smoke a cigar, because you can't smoke anywhere inside. They smell like shit, unless you're in a cigar bar, and then you're in there with like 50 other guys in this, in, you know, it just feels like you're in a walk-in closet with a car on after a while. Your eyes are burning, I can't even do it. You know what it reminds me of is back in the day when people could smoke in comedy clubs. And it was unreal. By the time you got to, if you had to do three shows, or even two shows back then, because everybody seemed smoked back then, there would, there'd be like a cloud of smoke, you know, by, at the beginning of the second show, because it was

still leftover from the first show. And I just remember like my eyes would be burning when I got off stage in the second show. I'd have to go to the bathroom and like flush them out with water. And then I'd go home and I actually learned to take a shower the night before you went to bed, because I always remember the next morning I would wake up and I take a shower and the water came over my head. I would just smell the smoke like someone was smoking next to me. So I imagine even that how bad smoking is. I can even imagine that being around a bunch of people who are smoking and then laying in bed with this smoke in your clothes and in your hair is somehow affecting your health. It's just bad. I'm giving away my cigars. I'm fucking, I can't say I'm done,

done with them, but I'm pretty much done with them. What I'm going to do is when I go to other countries, I'll smoke a Cuban cigar. That's what I'll do. And then I'm not bringing a bunch back, because then you go, Oh, well, fuck, I got to smoke these. These are Cubans. I don't want them to go bad, right? And then you don't have a humidor because you don't want to get sucked into the habit. And then what happens is your fucking cigars are going bad. It's a nightmare. I'm going to get a bunch of texts. First world problem. No, it isn't. Cuban cigars are made in a third world country. So go fuck yourself. Isn't that is that considered a third world country? What is exactly a third world country, a country that we're oppressing?

Does that want to make some third world? It isn't just South America, is it? Oh, Christ. Now I got to look it up. And there's a bunch of people laughing at me right now, but if I actually asked you to give me a fucking intelligent definition, you couldn't third world countries. Wait, third world definition. Let's go with that first. Third world. Okay. According to Wikipedia, the term third world arose during the Cold War to define countries that remained non aligned with either NATO, with the United States or Western Europe, Western European nations and their allies representing the first world, or the communist block.

And that would be with the Soviet Union, the People's Republic of China. Oh, Cuba. So Cuba is not third world because they aligned themselves with the Soviet Union and their allies representing the Second World War. So I'm guessing that we came up with it because we're the first, first world. We're number one. All the commies are ranked number two. And then a distant third, you know. Oh, so based Mexico, according to this chart, all of Central America, all the way down to South America, except there's one in South America. That isn't what the fuck is that? I don't know what that is. It's just north of Brazil.

What is that burns in Allen? What's the name of that fucking country down there? Cakes and biscuits. I don't fucking know. Let's let you know what I think it's time mercifully for the questions this week. What do you say, everybody? What do you say? You ready? You ready for the questions for this week? God knows I am. Oh, really quickly. I didn't even get a chance to talk about it. Do you guys watch that 60 minutes thing last night of that fucking jerk off who's ratting out Alex Rodriguez, the Henry Hill of that thing. All right. I'm pulling up Paul Versey, the dude I call it. I called it.

We're all going to be on roids by the end of our lives. Okay. And I'm going to tell you why, because the same reason why you saw that sexy scare, scarecrow walk into the fucking stage, the same reason why they got all these diet pills and all this fucking grow your hair back shit because no one wants to be old and decrepit. All right. They're already given the shit out that's synogenics is fucking HGH as far as I can tell. Which is basically I researched. I said synogenics scandal. That's what I searched. So of course, negative shit came up about them. We're all going to be on it. It's the same way marijuana is gradually becoming legal. That's what's going to happen

with steroids. Garen fucking T. You know, what's the coolest part of the story was they said a rod texted this guy, Tony, whatever the fuck his name was. And Tony, he said, Hey, I got a big day tomorrow. What do you got? So he gave him the stuff the next day, right? I had like two doubles in a single or something like that. And the 60 minute guy goes, Oh, what did you think after you sent him your products and saw the results? And he was going like, he basically said that, yeah, we got the formula down. You have the formula down. And he goes, yeah, it was like, it was like shooting fish in a barrel. So these guys are so advanced in this illegal shit

that I'm telling you, they're going to get it to the point where it just like weed where you can smoke it through like a breathalyzer where all it is is just basically the mist of THC, whatever the fuck that stuff is that gets you high, they're going to get that with steroids. All right. And you're going to be 80 years old walking around feeling like you can put your fucking fist through the goddamn wall. It's going to be great. All right. And all of this, this witch hunt on these a rod guys and all these guys went to jail and all that type of shit that people are going to look back and be like, well, what was the problem? That's that's my prediction provided an asteroid doesn't hit us first. Oh, by the way, I retweeted something

that somebody sent me about the Denver International Airport, you know, that there's basically that they started to build it. And then they said, well, the structure is wrong. And then they, rather than destroying what they built, they buried it. And then they built the airport on top of it. So all the conspiracy theorists are saying this is a bunker for all the fucking people who are going to survive a nuclear holocaust or an economic meltdown. And there are a bunch of weird paintings on the on the walls. But if you really look at it them objectively, it kind of looks more, it's more about world peace, oppression, and then the children of the next generation coming along and oppressing the oppressors or stomping them out. And then there's no war,

no more weapons. You can look at it in a sunshiny way, or you can look at it in a creepy way. And I got to admit a lot of the the the artwork is pretty creepy. I'll send you guys a link to that shit. But it's pretty interesting. I don't I love conspiracy theory, because I know, you know, I know how much I lie. So why wouldn't they be? So I love the speculation. Alright, here we go. Let's let me shut the fucking get on with the questions for the week. All right, this one says ponies dot dot dot. I'm a retard. TY builton. Yeah, I'm a Colts fan. I guess that's a reference to some guy who plays on the on the fucking Colts. I don't know. I don't know anybody's name anymore. I don't know who shot. I don't know who's in that. He goes I'm listening to the

826 13 podcast where you talk about the difference between a pony and a horse. Oh, I was making fun of the fact that I for until I was like, in my early 20s, I didn't realize that a pony's a pony and a horse is a horse. I thought a pony was a small horse. And the people down the street had a pony my whole childhood tied to the back of their fucking house was kind of cruel. But I remember driving by and finally when I was like 1920 years old, my mother was driving and I was just like, when is that pony going to turn into a horse? And if I could just go back and listen to the October 26th podcast of last year, I explain it way better the fucking look my mother gave me before she started laughing at me. I still see it on her face every time when I come home

for Thanksgiving. Anyways, I'm 23 years old. He said 23 year old American English was my first language. I have my bachelor's degree. I am going to law school in August. I scored higher on the law school admission test than 97% of potential lawyers. And I just had to look on Wikipedia to find out that ponies are indeed not young horses. I'm ashamed of myself. Go fuck yourself. At least I can read out loud. Hey, at least you can read out loud. Dude, you did all that other stuff. I can't do that. You got to take me out because you're also fucking stupid. Anyways, he goes, thanks for the free laughs. Your Colorado spring show was amazing. Go Andrew Luck. Well, he's going to the golf course there, buddy. Yeah, for all you people out there, pony is a pony.

And a horse is a horse. I guess a small horse is a colt. Is that what you'd call it? You know, what's amazing is that I don't know what it is and I never take the time to look it up. So I always sound dumb in this conversation. Okay, advice on men. Hey, bumbling Billy Boo. I'll keep the question short to rescue you from the English language. I get it. I suck at reading out loud. He goes, I'm a 20. Oh, she says, oh my god, this is from a lady. I finally get a female to write in and I trash it right out of the gate. I'm sorry, sweetheart. She says, I'm a 20 for a year old girl. And I'd like to know your best piece of advice of understanding the human male species. Many thanks. But at the same time, go fuck yourself. Well,

I'm sorry, you got to be a little more specific. I'll give you basically generally speaking. Oh, Jesus Christ. What do you want to know? I would basically you want to learn how to communicate with them better. Yes, you're doing the right thing. You're asking another part. This is actually a very smart question. Rather than sitting around with your female friends, just going, I know, right? What is that? God. You sit there at a fucking wine bar, whining. This is what you do. You go across enemy lines and you ask, you know, a trader like me to read from the playbook. All right, how guys communicate. I can't say that we just say what we're thinking, because we have liars and passive aggressive people and meandering little man boys. But generally

speaking, the thing that confuses us the most, I did a bit. I can't remember if I did it on a special, but one time I was driving with Nia and I said, Hey, I want to get a chocolate shake. We're going by this diner and she freaks out. She's like, Oh my God, they make the best chocolate shakes. And I go, I know, right? And she goes, Yeah, she just goes, Oh my God, they're so big. She just kept saying this so big. And after a while, I'm thinking like, Yeah, like fuck, how the fuck am I going to drink this whole thing? And then immediately just clicked on me. Like it's like, they're not big. They're standard size. Wait a minute. She wants half of my shake, but she doesn't want to seem selfish, but she doesn't want all the calories of the full shake.

So rather, but she doesn't want to look like she's taken away 50% of my good time. So rather than telling me that she's trying to mind fuck me into thinking something that I drank a zillion times with ease is now too big. You know what I mean? So that's how you guys communicate. I don't know how we communicate because I can't just sit there and make it seem like guys are heroes and not where they would be like, listen, I'm trying to lose weight. So can I have half your shake? The only thing I tell you is you're 24 years old, you shouldn't understand them. You shouldn't understand guys, but it's hard for me to, I don't know what you're asking. Please write back. Please write back advice on men park to just do that again, just fucking

write back, ask me something more specific, and I can help you out. But it's great that at 24, you're actually smart enough to ask guys to explain. Let's see, best piece of advice. Is a great piece of advice. Learn how to cook. All right, as stereotypical is that fucking sounds. I don't mean it in the sexist fucking way. All right. I don't. Don't be a slob and learn how to cook would put you ahead of 80% of fucking women out there because for some reason, somewhere along Edith Wharton over that chick who sewed the flag, making a guy a sandwich became this absolutely degrading fucking thing to do yet guys still have to hold the doors and fucking buy drinks. Like why we don't find that sexist reverse sexist or whatever the fuck

you'd call it. I remember one time I was downstairs. I don't know what the fuck I was doing. I was doing some pain in the ass job. I was cleaning out something in the garage and without me asking or anything, Nia came downstairs with this unbelievable sandwich she had made pickles, toothpick in it, the whole fucking nine yards and she brought like a something to drink downstairs too. And I stopped working and sat down. It was one of the greatest moments of our relationship. All right. So that's it. Some advice I would give you is guys are very, we're very simple. And by simple, I don't mean stupid before you get on your fucking high horse. Okay. It's like an old school engine. You open the hood and everything's right there.

It's not turned to the side, jammed into the compartment. None of that bullshit. It's just fucking basic. You just do that every once in a fucking while. Guys will think I have a keeper and all you're doing is making a fucking sandwich. And that doesn't mean that you shouldn't have the right to vote. It's fucking unreal. Cooking and then you're not even cooking. All you're doing is just slapping shit together. You're building a little fucking food house. How difficult is that? That's what I don't understand. Like, I guess I kind of understand it, but like cooking a meal for somebody is one of the greatest things you could ever do for him. All right. I'll leave it at that. So I would say something simple like that.

This is how simple guys are. If you actually every once in a while just said, Hey, do you want a beer? And you actually got up and went to the fridge and got a beer and brought it out, put it in a fucking frosted mug. I mean, personally speaking, I'm ready to go paint the house because that little move there, I feel like a fucking king. That's all it takes. That's all it takes. Very simple. You know, let them head out with his friends once a week. If they come over and they watch the game and you're not into the game, leave, go in the other room or be a good shit and hang. But don't ruin his good fucking time. Jesus, I'm on a roll here now. Here's another one. Try to limit the amount of horrific shit you're going to drag him to. Now he's obligated to go

to some of it, but he has to have just set it up and just say, listen, there's a bunch of shit that you do that I'm not going to be into. Right? Like tailgating on a golf course, peeing in a port a party before, before a football game that you don't give a shit about. I don't want to be there for that. So I get to tap out of that. All right. And then the guy, he gets to tap out of like, I don't know, like, what have I tapped out on one time? Nia wanted to take me to somebody's birthday party. They were having some fucking, you know, we're all going to dress like it's the gold rush or the fucking prohibition era. It's like, I don't want to fucking do that. She gave me a shit. And I was just, I don't want to do it. She let me out of it. We laughed about it. I actually went

there without a costume. I mean, I made a deal. We made it. We made a, we made a deal. I think I told this story. I'm fucking punch drunk. Yeah. I never know what the fuck I'm talking about. I showed up and I didn't wear a costume, which was hilarious because every other guy was fucking dressed like Charlie Chaplin. And I show up in street clothes and they're looking at me like I'm a magician. And then I left early because that's right. Cause I would have watched the Celtics were playing the Lakers in the finals that year when we beat them. And I would have missed it if Nia wasn't so fucking cool. So that's, that's what I would do. And if you actually do shit like that, you know, you put yourself on this solid ground with the guy that you're with,

where now there's no reason for him to be an asshole to you or be mean to you because you're being so nice to him. It really kind of works that way. It kind of feeds off each other. That's the best I can do without a specific question. All right. So there you go. And you know, fuck everybody who's going to say that, you know, what I just said was sexist, you know, go fuck yourself. I don't think it's, you know, you're on a date with your woman, you go and you open the car door for you, still do that shit. If I can do that, you can go get me a fucking beer. Christ, it's a twist off. What are you going to hurt your wrist? Yeah, you know, something, that would be my advice. Stop acting like a kicker. You know, I'm just fucking annoys me that every time a kicker makes a tackle,

he gets hurt. I just fucking, I just don't understand that. Jesus fucking Christ. Put some cream on it and get back out there and fucking throw your feet around. All right. College rumor. Billy Vanilly. I like that one. That's a new one. I can't wait to see you in Hamilton, Ontario. I'm a 21 year old college student. Oh, by the way, I'm hopefully going to have the links to those dates in the next week or so. Everybody asking about my big Canadian tour in March. Anyways, this person says, can't wait to see you in Hamilton, Ontario. I'm a 21 year old college student who has been having to deal with rumors. I was a resident on dawn a couple months back, which means I was responsible for watching over first year students in their dorms.

During Halloween, I did hook up with one of the first years at a party I was at word somehow spread, but through classic broken telephone that I got a drunk and banged her in the elevator of her dorm. Consistently, when I am at any, I think you meant to say consequently, when I'm at any social gathering party kegger, when I tell a girl my name, they immediately walk away as if I'm some monster. Oh no. I'm thinking of transferring school as a fair share of the campus thinks I'm that creepy guy around girls. Any advice on addressing this rumor with girls to stop them from running for the hills would be greatly appreciated. I don't know, dude. Did you do it? If you didn't do it? I don't know. If you didn't do it, I would talk to the

woman that you hooked up with. Can you say, listen, can you please tell people that I didn't get you drunk? That that didn't happen? I don't know. I mean, I don't know if people are mature enough once it gets out like that. Maybe she's embarrassed that she hooked up with an older guy. I have no fucking idea. I don't know. That's I don't like those creepy sex ones because now I have to do this. I have to assume that you are innocent. Who would get if someone I got to tell you this, who would get somebody drunk and then fuck them in a public place like that? If you're doing something underhandedly, like that story doesn't even make sense unless you wanted to get caught. Ah, whatever. I don't know. I don't know how to get it. Once you get accused of sexually weird

shit, you kind of do have to leave, I guess. But then they win. I don't do that sucks. I really hope that, you know, if you are innocent, I really hope that you can somehow get out of that because that's that fucking thing where I always felt like, you know, somebody gets accused of some sort of sex crime. I don't think that they should just put their name in the fucking paper until they're convicted. Because even then everybody in your world is going to know about it. And if you didn't do it, once you're just accused of it, you're done. You're done. It's fucking over. I don't know. And back in the day, at least you could go a couple states over, you know, change your name to fucking TJ or some shit and fucking start a new life.

You can't do it now. Every social media, the internet, everything just follows you around. You know what I would do it? I would stop going to parties. I would get sober and I would just say, you know, just, and I would, I don't know, stone sober, meet a nice girl and just say, yeah, I mean, I hooked up with this girl and then somebody started this fucking rumor and I'm done with it. I don't want to do this shit anymore. I don't, I don't know how to, I honestly, I don't know how to get out of that. Jesus, these are fucking hard questions this week. I don't fuck with that. I don't feel like if you transfer, you're admitting that you were wrong. But where the fuck are your friends who can back you up going, oh, that's bullshit.

You got nothing? You just a loner? Jesus, I don't know. All right. Motorcycle through Thailand. Jesus Christ. If you rode a motorcycle through Thailand, you're the toughest fucking guy I know, unless you're from there. Dear Billy Bud Baxter, I'm glad to hear your 2014 is starting off strong. I remember you talking a few weeks back about being able to drive all, to be able to drive all things. I've had that same philosophy for a few years now and I've been working towards learning how to do just that. I'm 25 hours into getting my pilot's license and in November, I took a basic motorcycle driving course over a weekend. I think you have taken something similar. Yeah, I got a motorcycle license. A couple of weeks after the course with no additional motorcycle

experience and never having driven outside of a parking lot, I flew to Thailand. Jesus Christ. There I went to the northern mountains and rented a 250cc dual-purpose dirt bike and drove for nine days around the Mahong Son Loop. The fuck is that? Though it can easily be done in five or six days. Google it if you feel like it. It was easily the best experience of my entire life. I was able to get out of the, the shit show tourist clap-trap areas and see what the fuck was going on in the day-to-day lives of a bunch of ties. The food was incredible. The views were out of this world. The people are the most friendly in the world. See, they have all these stereotypes. Like, I wouldn't want to go up there thinking I'd get kidnapped or some shit. And I was able to gain

some real chops when it comes to riding a bike. Plus, I got to stop in a couple of small tourist-based towns and met a beautiful Scandinavian girl. Oh, and it didn't hurt that 50 bot, I don't know how to say it, a dollar 50 American will get you all the food you can eat and 400 bot will get you a beautiful bamboo hut in the middle of the goddamn rainforest for the night. I doubt anyone will give a shit about your stand-up in Thailand. It's not you, it's them. But you should definitely make a trip out there and drive around on a rented motorcycle. I got tons of more information if you're actually interested. Thanks for the free laps. Come to Durham, North Carolina soon and go fuck yourself. Dude, I would love to do that. I'm just afraid to go. There's certain places where you go. I

don't you get put on a list? Isn't Thailand the one where fucking perverts go to to bang little boys? You know, we got enough Thai food over here. They just assume, they don't assume you're going over there to ride a bike on the fucking Ho Chi Minh loop or whatever the fuck you just did over there. They think you're going over there for that. But that sounds awesome. That is, that is a bucket list goal of mine. I do, I want to be in some scenic place in another country on a motorcycle. I mean, why wouldn't you want to fucking do that? Ride around, pretend like you're tough and you know how to fight. That's just what I want to do. Congratulations. Well, I never even heard of that for the, for those few listeners at home,

if you're at your desk right now and you don't want to fucking do work, do work, you don't want to be working. Let me, let me spell that out for you. A fluted Thailand for not the may Hong son loop MAE Hong as in Hong Kong, H-O-N-G son, S-O-N loop. By the way, what's up with fucking Dr. Evil in North Korea feeding his uncle to dogs? Is that true? I kind of have to believe that because it's not like they have to sway public opinion liberal or conservative about that guy. That fat jerk off. What the fuck is wrong with you? If you're listening to this, because I know your dad was a big movie fan and maybe you want to rebel against your dad and listen to podcasts. If you listen to this, dude, you're headed towards an ugly death. You're

not going to survive doing shit like that. That's not the way to do it. I don't know. Did your dad own the Godfather trilogy and you're trying to act like everybody in your world is fucking Moe Green? Maybe you have to do that. You should have just shot the guy, dude. If you do stuff like that, like the level of fear that that put in me and I'm not even in your country, I'm already thinking my first thought after I got over the wave of fear of that was I have to kill this guy. If I lived in the country, that's what I would have two bullets, one for him and then I'd shoot myself just in case I did. You know what? I'd shoot the dude and then I would wait half a second and if I didn't hear a pause, I would then shoot myself because I always felt if you took out a

guy who's just ruling with that level of psychoness, that if you took him out, as everybody's sitting there looking down at the floor, as he's saying the next crazy thing you wanted to do, that if you actually took him out, that on some level people would be like the second you did, it would be like, ah, God, thank God you did it. Jesus Christ. I thought I was the only one. All right, I don't fucking know. Let me, let me move on to the last one here and I gotta wrap this podcast up because I gotta, I'm gonna do Joe Bartnick's podcast today. He's picking me up. This is a podcast Monday, baby. All right, drunk girlfriend issue. Hey, oh, wait a second. I gotta read the last couple of ads here real quick, real quick, real quick, reary, crickery, stamps.com,

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expensive postage meters. I've been using stamps.com for about three years. It's so convenient. Any crap that I'm selling after my shows, I run it through the little scale thing. I put a stamp on it and it's at the place I've never had a problem. And I'm a moron. So if I can use it, you can too. Right now, use my last name Burr, B-U-R-R, to get this special offer, no risk trial plus $110 bonus offer that includes a digital scale and up to $55 free postage. Don't wait. Go to stamps.com before you do anything else. Click on the microphone at the top of the homepage and type in Burr. That's stamps.com, enter Burr, B-U-R-R. If you're not doing that, you just enjoy life being difficult. All right. Evoise, you're a business owner, but automated phone systems and secretaries are not

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Take charge of your... Oh, Jesus, Bill, come on. Take charge of your business and make more money in 2014. Go to evoise.com and enter Bill at checkout for your 60-day free trial. That's evoise.com promo code, Bill, B-I-L-L. Good Lord, people. Can you beat that 60-day free trial? You're just starting your business right out of the gate. You sound like a pro. I wish I had a business idea. Okay. Drunk girlfriend issue. This is the last one on the podcast. Hey, Billy Bob Burton. I'm a big fan of yours, fellow Bostonian, suburb guy as well, and I love the podcast. I have some relationship issues that I'd like your input on if you would be so kind. You fuck. All right, I've been dating my girlfriend for over four years. I am 26,

she's 25. We moved in together in September 2013 because I thought things were going well. Well, we have some issues and I'm not sure what to do. Besides the usual fights over things, where I think logically and present my side of the argument well with facts that are relative to the subject and she rambles about how I'm a mama's boy and have a small dick. Well, yeah, I guess in other words, you're probably right. So she's just capitulated and then I was just insulting you. Granted, this is your version of it. Anyways, he said my biggest issue is her drinking. More specifically, how she acts when she's drunk. When we are drinking in public, sitting, not setting, sitting with a large group of people,

she drinks too much and always blacks out. This is typically not a normal thing. It only happens once every few months, but over the holiday season, it happened every weekend while at company Christmas parties, hers and mine, friends houses and while on a pub crawl. I have two big issues with her blacking out like that. One is that it's usually she only drinks excessively when other people, mainly her bitchy best friend insists that my girlfriend should drink a lot, even though my girlfriend has a very low tolerance for alcohol. It's to the point that her best friend will say things to her like, if you don't take this shot, I hate you slash you're not my friend. Jesus Christ. And she's being serious. I have spoken with my girl repeatedly about how I feel

that that's not a good idea or right to allow a friend to do that to her. And my girlfriend replies that she's not going to say no to her best friend no matter what. Jesus Christ. This is like a textbook codependent relationship here. My second issue is that when she blacks out, once I get her in the car or cab to take her home, she gets really quiet and starts saying she hates our relationship. She hates me. She hates living with me. She wishes we would break up among other similar things. Once she sleeps it off and wakes up hung, hung over, she has no recollection of what she said to me the night prior. And she says that drunk words, they're drunk words and they mean nothing. Oh God. I do not think that way. They legitimately hurts my feeling and his feelings

and has happened so often recently that I've been weighing my options about whether it's time to end this relationship and move on. I'm not sure. I'm just being a pushing need to get over it. Or if I have legitimate gripe here, dude, you totally have a legitimate gripe. He says, I care about my girlfriend a lot. And until recently I was beginning to think about proposing marriage to her at some point. Dude, you cannot on any fucking level propose to this girl with this shit on the table right now. He said, I had planted in my head that if we were going to live together for two years, then we had the right stuff for marriage with all this drinking stuff, though, I'm not sure where to go. If you have any tips or advice, I'd greatly appreciate it. Go

fuck yourself. Can't wait to see a new special in 2014. Hope you perform in Boston. All right. Yeah, dude. First things first, do not on any level propose marriage to this woman at all on any fucking level. What you have to do is you got to put your foot down. All right. You have to say both things that you brought up provided you're being honest with me. You were 100% in the right and you have to just say, look, you can't drink like that anymore. And you can't have a relationship with your friend like that anymore. Actually, you can because you are a free individual. But if you're going to be, then I want out of this relationship. I'm not going to be with somebody who drinks like that

and more specifically drinks like that because a friend is making a drink like that. And second of all, you know, I don't, I don't, you know, there's an expression out there that what does it say, a drunk man's words or a sober man's thoughts? I don't know. I would, oh, this is Bartnick. Hold on one second. Hang on, hang on. Joey B, just wrapping up the podcast. I'll be outside in two minutes. Okay. All right. See you. Yeah. So I would basically, okay. So let's just compartmentalize this thing. Okay. If that first issue, just the drinking thing, I would just lay down the gauntlet. If you, if you want to be with me and, you know,

I'm not going to be in a relationship with that going on. That's unacceptable. I respect the fact if you still want to do it, but if you still want to do it, then you're moving out around moving out and we're not going to be a couple anymore because I'm not tolerating that and you're well within your right to do that. And it's a great thing to say at 26 years of old to get some sort of self-esteem within a relationship and have some ground rules with yourself. This is your half of the circle. What do I want and what am I willing to put up with? Where is my line? You found your line and you tell her that that's where it is. You don't have to be a jerk. You don't have to get angry. Just say, this is my line. And I totally respect if you want to live on the other side

of the line, I'm just not going to live with you doing that. This other shit where she gets, she says she hates her relationship and wishes that you broke up. If it happened one time, whatever she does that every fucking time, I think those are our honest words and I honestly would seriously consider getting the fuck out of that relationship. I think you guys have both been in a relationship for a long time. You got into it when you were really young. Maybe she still wants to see, explore, see what the fuck's out there. I have no idea, but that is a major, major fucking red flag. And I don't buy it. And I also don't buy that she's 100% drinking like that because her friend is making her do it. I think she wants to drink

life. Maybe she's drinking like that because she's not happy in the relationship. I don't know. There's a bunch of major red flags and you're 100% in the right. You're not being a pussy. You're being fucking mature and you're saying what you want. Fuck this dude. You don't want some drunk with some drunk fucking friend who then gets hammered and says they don't want to be with you. When you dream, does that your dream girl? When you sit there and fancy kick this bitch to the curb. I've had it with her. I'm not even in the fucking relationship. You could do better. All right. I'm not saying she's not the one, but she needs to grow the fuck up. Don't say it like that, but that's what I believe. And that's, that's my thoughts and I'm sticking

with it. All right. My buddy's outside. I'm being a cunt. I got to get off here. Have a great week. Go fuck yourselves and that's it. I'll talk to you next week. I'm looking forward to some great football. All right. See you. In the dark, it's not over now. I don't know if there's treasures in the ocean or if death will whisk me far away. I'd like to think that we live in a kind of motion where our hands and feet are intersting. I don't know if there's treasures in the ocean or if death will whisk me far away.