Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 1-13-23

Episode Date: January 14, 2023

Bill rambles with Steve Byrne about the 90's, drinking stories, and how people handle money.  Steve's new special 'THE LAST LATE NIGHT' is available now on Amazon. (00:00) - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast (01:15:09) -  Thursday Afternoon Throwback 1-12-15: Bill rambles about the Dez Bryant catch, whiskey dick, and powdered wigs.  (02:17:30) - Anything Better NFL Wildcard Weekend Thursday Afternoon Interlude: Filter - Hey Man Nice Shot SimpliSafe: Go today and claim a free indoor security camera plus 20% off your order with Interactive Monitoring at www.simplisafe.com/BURR

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr. How are you? And it's time for the Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcast. I'm just checking in on you and I'm also checking in on somebody else, somebody else who's enjoying his liquid death product placement. Hydrated. Hydrated. Uh, has a new special on Amazon. Yes. Called The Last Late Night. Yes. The one and only, Mr. Steve Byrne. Thank you, William. How are you, sir?

How are you, Steven? Nice to see you. That was very formal. I like that. I'm going to get the liquid deck there. Just wrap the film. I did. I did. It's exciting.

Yes, it is. It is. It's done, done. Like done, done. As the kids say, done, done. You're not, you're not driving to the edit bay any longer. So, Browns, look at my big stupid Charlie Brown head any more. Yeah. Any more. You know, Steve, I thought I hated myself before I did this movie, but when you, you've

been there. But, but I wasn't in it. I wrote and directed. So I had to be there to oversee every, every moment. But like, but I met you in a connecting flight in Dallas one time when you were in the middle of doing Sullivan and Sun. And you were sitting there looking like Jack Lemon and Glenn Gary Glenn Ross when you didn't get the good leads. And you were just sitting there with this 600 yards stare and I'm going, that's going

Steve. And you're like, you know, if I could go back to the 20 year old me, I think I would tell him not to do this. Don't get in this fucking business. I work, you would think that when you're after doing this for, you know, me 25, 28, 30 years for you. 31 in March. 31. So 25 years for me. I work three times as hard now than I ever did. And I think about

those times in my 20s when you would just show up and just do the show and that was it. You could fucking sleep. And then, and then hit on women afterwards. Yeah. That was it. And if you're struck out, you just went to a food truck and you laughed about it. That was it.

And you weren't happy with that because you wanted more because you didn't realize that making TV and movies was work. You thought it was fun, Steve. Yeah. That's what it looks like. Right? You show up. There's a bunch of showgirls and a cowboy on the set. Yeah. And he's like, this is Hollywood.

This is cool. I know. But once you get it done, though, it is worth it. Once it's done, you look at it like, oh, this is fucking good. It is worth it. Yeah. Well, you're, you, you have a, Steve, this isn't about me. No, but you got to the guest. Right.

You're here to promote your special. But hold on. But you, you accomplished something that that's, I think as I bought all my Twitter followers. Okay. I'm just finally going to come clean. Well, tell me how to do that then. You go to this Filipino website. Got it.

Okay. So you give them a dollar each. Can you give me a number now? America. Because I know you guys, once everybody gets in that thing, everybody texts each other. Once you hit that tax bracket, that's when everybody's friends. Well, I'll have to talk to Joe Coy. I mean, we must know some things I don't.

Yeah. Um, okay. What are you, what are you asking me? But my point is that I like your flair on your shirt. Is it Friday? Bring some of your personality to the podcast. I do like that you're wearing a pirate's hat. This has been a point of contention.

Here we fucking go. We're not going anywhere, Steve. We're going to sit right here. We're going to hash it out like a couple of mature men. Yep. Without raising our voices. All right. For the longest time, Steve from Pittsburgh, Pittsburgh, Penguins fan, huge Pittsburgh

Steelers fan, you go to baseball, Yankees fan, hold on, hold on, Yankees fan. Wow. That's weird. It's almost like you're, you're on the bandwagon with the two teams that went championships in the pirates. You turn your back on. I was, I was with the pens all through the dirty late nineties daughter. You never spoke to could you root for the pet for the pirates right now knowing that

every year you're getting these draft picks and it's a fire sale on the fucking Yankees. When we were, look, this is what I honestly appreciated. The Yankees was the middle of their yet another dynasty post 9 11. Then I went out to that, to that game that I got tickets to and I was on the bus. You know what? You earned those and I saw George Bush throughout the pitch and I got caught up in the euphoria of it. I was like, this is fucking amazing.

I mean, I bankrupted the country and gave all the money to his oil company boys. That guy. Yeah. Hey, he's a painter. He's a painter. I'm not shitting on Republicans. They all end up with the house and Martha's Vineyard, except for Jimmy Carter. He's still out there.

That guy's a public servant in his nineties, swinging a hammer, building houses for the fucking. Everybody else. Something right now. They're all at Epstein Island gang banging, tying up underage chicks and blue and red ties. That's what's really happening out there. But I went to that game and you didn't go and then you for years kept that secret.

And you never told people the famous story of somebody approached the comedy seller with a with a gig. You did stand up on a bus. Yeah. There was some Atlanta Braves fans coming up. So that must have been 99. Yeah. It was for Wells Fargo.

Was that 99? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And they were coming up and they were going to take a bus from Manhattan to Yankee Stadium and they wanted to have a comedian on the bus. Yeah. Do stand up the whole way up there.

Now, to me, to this day, that is an easy fucking gig. All you got to do is just shit on yourself and just, and just, and just take, okay. So what anyway, anyway, she offered it to me and Jim Norton. Yeah. And Jim Norton was like, you know, heaven and hawn about it. Yeah. And I was like, I'll fucking do it. You know, I don't give a shit, right?

And then Jim bailed. Right. And we were sitting at the cellar table. Oh, Jim, you fucking weasel, right? We started giving each other shit, right? Yeah. Is that why you backed out of it? I started getting a few in on him and he goes, whatever, bus boy and the whole fucking table

like an E.F. Button commercial. Everybody just stopped. What? He goes, what are you calling a bus boy? He goes, Bill Burr is going to do stand up on a bus to get yanked. And it was like, what? Dude, needle off the record.

And I took a, I took a headlining set. It was 45 minutes. It was, it was people who weren't even comedians listening, laughing or feeling bad as I just sat there. Even the actual bus boy was like, come on, man. And I just sat there and took it. This is what fucking kills me. A month later, Keith Robinson came in with a Keith Robinson shirt on.

That was to Keith Robinson. And we started shitting on him and he stood up and he ran out of the cellar. He ran out of the restaurant and I was sitting there like, I didn't know you could do that. You just get up and leave? I thought you had to sit there and take it. So anyway. You took it. I knew I wasn't doing it, but I knew you were doing it.

But I didn't say anything. Yeah. I didn't say anything. Was that before after Bobby? I didn't say anything. Was that before after Bobby showed that horrific video of you on the roast? What year was that? Because that was one of the most humiliating things ever.

And I think maybe I was like, Steve's taken enough of a pounding. That was probably right or on the same time. All right. This is what happened. Steve. Who? Innocent Steve. Young Steve.

Doesn't know any better. He's got some jokes and, you know, he's the pain of somebody's work week. Right? Yeah. You guys are going to shoot on me and call me Lego head hair and AIDS beard every time I show up and I'm just going to take it and love it. You guys are great. Oh, AIDS beard.

I remember that. It was all patchy. It was all patchy. Who came out? It was a great one. AIDS beard was great. I think it was great. That was a great one.

So he borrows Bobby camera, Bobby camera, Bobby Kelly's video camera to film his audition for SNL. You're like 18 months into the fucking business or whatever. Like an idiot. And then he gives the camera back and Steve burn a glutton for punish. Left the tape of the camera and Bobby edited the worst parts of it together because you just leave it running. Bobby.

Those shark eyes, Kelly, that's what he was when he takes a bite at a burger. That eyelid goes up like a fucking shark, you know, and the only way you can make Bobby docile is if you turn them upside down like a shark. That's when they're immobile. He's like an alligator. You rub his belly. You know what's funny though? You know what's funny is he has been jolly Bobby ever since he lost the weight.

And he know. But no, no, no, no. Once he had the kid. All right. He's like the Grinch. The light, the pilot light came back on. Those dark eyes got a little. Hey, let me be brown at this point.

They're not midnight black. The only guy I've ever met with black eyes, I think they might be brown now. And then he got his big producer glasses and he became, yeah, and he's like this fucking guy that everybody loves, but now he's losing the weight. And they, and they are like, this is like a horror movie. They're excavating evil Bobby with every pound that he loses. He's becoming Bleecker Street Bob again. He's a neighborhood guy.

I'm gonna take this up. Keith. Hey, what's up guys? Hey, when he gets to when he starts wearing a leather jacket again, you better make sure you know where all your videocassettes are. Let me just tell you that right now. He wore. That story, he edited the worst parts of it together and a Collin Quinn's roast or his

boss's roast. Patrice's roast. It was Patrice's roast. Bobby, like an eighth grade, you pull out the TV with the VCR and everything and he hooked it up and he showed the worst parts of it. And everybody was there, but I was emceeing that night at the cellar and people came in. They couldn't even look at me. Oh, we were all yelling shut it off.

They couldn't look at me. We're all yelling shut up because it wasn't roast jokes. He just had this videotape of you in a private moment of shit that you were going to edit out. Dude, it was like the closest thing to a snuff film I ever want to see. And I just remembered, oh my God, I remember going over to this cellar and you were just sitting there. Oh, yeah.

You were hosting, right? I said, Hey, Steve, what's up, man? You didn't even look at me like, surprise, you're still even talking to me. I was just like, and I tried to tell Bobby, I tried to go Bobby. You fucking destroy. And he got mad because I think he kind of know. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's like, Oh, what happened to you?

Shut the fuck up. Yeah. He was like, you know what he was? He was like, Pesci when he shoots spider. No, no, make me think about what I just did. I can't take a hole and never take a fucking hole before. I'm surprised you want to be my friend anymore, Bill. That was me.

Yeah. But Bobby, I remember Bobby got this. The bones are all broken. That was a, I would think back to that. If I was even remotely a healthy person, yeah, like 90% of my friends, I would not have. Oh, oh, and then them included because we've all grown as people. We could all go back in time. Like Bobby now could not hang back, hang out with Bill back then and me now could not hang

out with Bobby back. No, no, no. Just that whole. That's why I stopped. I like that table was just toxic. There were nights where it was like, I was sitting there and I was still like, you know, this young comic and I was like, you guys like, you do this to each other all this is crazy.

Like this is not normal. And so I had to sit at the bar. You couldn't eat rice when you were down there. Dude, I was eating Chinese food and I hear and I look up and Norton's taking pictures of me with chopsticks eating Korean food. We all took, we all took it. It was awful. There was so many funny guys down there and we didn't create one fucking thing.

Are we all of our comedy towns to have shit on each other to make each other feel horrible? Well, that's what's funny nowadays when you fucking bitching about shit. I'm just sitting there going and and what happened? All right, I give that a five. Oh, brutal. The most. It was stupid. I'm not by the way, the younger comics, maybe watch this is this is not what you wanted

to do. It was stupid. Like that is one of the dumbest periods of my career that has been romanticized into this learning and they became better comedies. They didn't. No, we didn't. We became angrier and more self-loathing and that doesn't turn into better comedy. No, no, no, no.

It was it causes you to snap on a crowd. I guess people who like that type of shit, those are such fun days. Speaking of snapping on crowds, was there anything better than Nick Topolo going up doing a fucking set? Oh, God, I've never seen a guy in the middle of killing. And one person clears their throats and he just it was a man was amazing. And then he would just they would love him. And then whatever he said to that person, they would fucking hate him and the whole

crowd like you just he would just suck all the oxygen out of the room. And then he would just do his next bit and it was so good. He would be killing again. Yeah, I've never seen anybody be able to do that. That guy is one of the best comics I've ever fucking seen. I want to like he especially at that time, like I love you trying to figure him out. I did a tour with you, because I did a tour with him and every night he would be talking to me like this and then he would get out on the fucking stage and he was like this.

And I was like, what is he doing? What's going on with this posture? And I realized he was looking under. He was getting under the stage lights with his brow because he knew someone was going to have a problem and his head was going back and forth like a fucking security camera. He was looking for the bathroom tile that's missing on the floor. There's always one. Oh, no.

There's always one. That was great. Even some of the best sets I've ever seen. Even in my youth. Pam Grier Barnes, Colin. Man, that was just such an amazing time. Geraldo, Rest His Soul. All of those guys down there.

I used to fucking love watching. Geraldo to me was the guy where I was like, what the fuck? I mean, just constantly generating shit and then there was no cell phone cameras and nobody knew about that club and people would just wander in and these fucking lunatics would go up there. What the fuck is? Yeah. I mean, dude, I tell you that story.

That guy took his fucking dick out on stage, man. It was fucking hilarious. Wait, what? Killed. Killed. Who pulled the dick out on stage? Okay. Maybe it was his club.

Maybe it wasn't. He got into it with this chick in the front row. It was a late night dude. And he goes, if you don't stop fucking, I forget what she said. She just said she didn't think it was funny. She was a woman of a certain age and she didn't give a fuck. Sure. She was a large, large truck driver vibe and she didn't give a fuck.

And he said, lady, if you don't shut the fuck up, I'm going to take my dick out and slap you in the face with it. She goes, you don't have the balls. And he goes, I don't have the balls. And he starts going like that. And the crowd's going nuts thinking he's joking. All I remember was his helmet sticking out from his face and he just put it in her face and made these machine gun noises.

Fucking, dude, she didn't bat an eye. She didn't even bat an eye. Fucking place went ballistic. Went fucking ballistic. Oh my God. Could you imagine today? I can't imagine because I had to go up next in the host who I'm not going to say was like, what the fuck was that?

God damn, we're going to keep this show going. Keep it going. Just right through it. For Billy Bird. I fucking went right up after that and went into my act and it was one of the, it wasn't even like bombing. It was like I was doing my act and they were in another club. They were just talking like they couldn't believe what happened.

They still couldn't. Yeah. How could you? And even, I haven't heard anything come close to that. A dude pulling his dick out. All right. All right. It's simply safe, everybody.

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There's no safe like simply safe. All right. This is a bad edit. I'm not going to lie to you. I just told some stories that you can't fucking, someday, someday, someday when we're both retired. Yeah. I just don't want to get it.

It doesn't matter anymore. Yeah. I didn't name any names, did I? You didn't name anybody. I just named body parts. Yeah. And not even in vague locations. Vague locations.

Yeah. Vague locations and body parts. That's going to be my name and my memoir. I'm very excited. Yeah. I got this jacket back after a year. You lost it? No.

I was, I went to the Rose Bowl with Joe Bartnick and I left it in his truck and I finally got it back. After a year? Yeah. We just always meant to, I go over his house, ah, I forgot the jacket. So hold on. That, that jacket's been stewing in like Bartnick's stew. It was in his truck and it, and it was like covered in dog hair and all that shit.

Not a clean guy. He took a, he got a, he got a fucking dry cleaned. He should because he knows. He knows. It's a hot box. Whatever that car that he's driving, it's just odors and loud. You would think. You would think.

I would know. I'll tell you. One time he, he's like, Hey man, come over. We're going to do the podcast. I go, great. He's, he's like, be there at noon. I go, great. Looking forward to it.

We're both in Pasadena Driveover. By the way, you guys are my two favorite Pittsburgh guys. This is going to break my heart here. What happens? This is what he does. Ready? This is, this is what you don't want. When you're going over to do a podcast like today, it's like you show up.

Okay. We're starting on time. Here we go. Bartnick opens the door, hairs fucked up. He's in a tank top, shorts, barefoot. He goes, first thing he says to me, you're not in a rush. Are you? I'm like, Oh fuck.

Here we go. Fucking bundle of wires. He's fucking, I don't know where the fuck this goes. Where's the produce? Where is he? His producer's not there barefoot fucking Dean and brushes teeth yet. He just woke up and he's fucking trying to plug shit in. I'm just like, motherfucker, I could be home right now.

You could have told me another 45, whatever. That's how he starts the fucking podcast. Is that what it means? You're not in a hurry. Is that what made you leave LA? Was that the final thing? That was it. That was the straw that broke the camel's back.

Yeah. Joe Bartnick. People know where you are. Have you announced where you are? Do people understand where you are on the word? Nobody gives a shit. All right. No, nobody cares.

Look at me. I'm in Nashville. Okay. All right. I wasn't shy. I feel like that's your information. No, I moved to Nashville. You know, you live here and I'm like getting to the point where I'm like, did they blame

you for COVID? What's that? Did they blame the locals? Did they blame you for COVID? I'll tell you this. Did you get randomly beaten up as you walked down the street? I go to look at like Hank Williams and it's like, it's like fucking 2000. You know, when I moved there, it's like 2017.

It's like nothing ever happened. It's like Mardi Gras, right on, on that broad Broadway. Oh, it's a great street. Good barbecue there, too. Fucking great. And then I come back to LA every now and then. This is like after I move. When I'm walking down the street, I got my mask on my wrist.

I'm in Venice, going to a restaurant to meet some friend. Three people within two and a half blocks yelled at me, put on your fucking mask. Not like, Hey, put on your mask. Put the same three. It was like there was people who bought in that was yet a divided locker room. Some people bought in other people didn't and we didn't win the championship. We all needed to be pulling in the same direction and we just weren't nobody. Yeah.

Everybody knew what the fuck people should be doing. So, and it's just, it's never going to work, but not now, not now. You can't corral the masses now with the internet. I think that moment in time. I don't think it'll ever be replicated again, where you, you really saw before it was like, you know, somebody wore a MAGA hat. It's like, Oh, that, that's really hard. Right.

Then that obviously that person is hard. But when the mask thing came about, that's when everybody was kind of forced to show your cards. Do you know where that from Reagan? Like literally stole that make America great again. Yeah. You think he's not doing anything original? He's a heck.

Well, it was disappointed me as like, honey, how do you base your whole campaign on some shit that was already said? Although what's his face? Reagan said, let's win one foot. Gipper. Yeah. All right. Let's get them all now.

What did Clinton do? He only did something. Oh, slick Willy. Oh, he's fucking on an island somewhere. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Did you see that painting of him that Epstein had of Clinton? I know.

It's on the internet. Is that real? It's got to be real because it came out. Can't be. It has to be. I don't know what tea it is. When you're that. I think this is I want to hear this theory when you're that rich.

When you're that rich. Let a guy do a painting of you. What is the painting of? It's him in a dress or something. It's him like normal and he's in a he's in a chair and then he's got like a skirt and the heels. Like when people get super fucking rich, they don't know how to accept the influx money. That's when they find crystals and God and spirituality.

I think those are the healthy ones. The people that aren't go the other way. You're on a fucking highland. You're banging 13 year old Filipino girls, whatever, flying in. I think when you get that much money, it just one way or the other. It's one way or the other. You either find Jesus, dude, you're going to have crystals on your face in about two years and go, Oh, Billy's getting spiritual.

No, I'm not because what what saves me is I want I want to retire. I'm not going to really. I just want to get the I just want to have the ability that if this business is done with me. I be cool. Thank you. I had a great fucking time and you know, I really love seeing I love seeing old people sitting on a porch watching people going by, you know, I want to do that.

I don't want to miss out on that life. I think I'm just worried that newspapers won't exist anymore by the time I get to that age like they should just have them for old people. Just to have a friend of God's paper. Yeah, it's a great thing. You sit there with a cup of coffee. You drink a new you say that's over here. What's going on there in South Carolina doing the crossword?

They didn't do that when I was a kid. Oh, yeah, that's the best shit ever. You've said something like this to me before, though, where you said I was congratulating you on something and you're like, yeah, I'm not going to say the person 's name, but just like you were you were like, you know, look at X, X, Y, Z. It could just be over like that. And I think you've always had this perspective of. Yeah, I think of like the marathon mindset as opposed to a sprinters.

Yeah, no, I just I you know what you want? You know what puts this business into perspective? Go watch a an Oscar taping if you can fucking sit through it from like 10 years ago. No, you don't know they will literally be people that are presenting at the Oscars going like who the fuck is acting? You don't even know who they are. Yeah, well, I they were they were there on the biggest night in show business. What bear with all this back when it mattered?

I know, does it even matter anymore? I don't think it matters. But I think I think they ever be one worse than the COVID one. When Glenn Close tried to act like she do who fucking whatever the fuck that rapper was. Oh, God, that was so planned. That was just one of the audience. I know exactly what I was in the scene, man. I was just like, why can't you just say no, I didn't.

I was I was doing Jane Fonda workout tapes. I'm a white chick. I was doing white shit. Well, I think this is the best line about Hollywood I've ever come across. It's Orson Welles, Citizen Kane, Ambersons. Obviously, one of the greatest films of all time, if not the and just ostracized by the Hollywood community and his line as he's talking. Kind of a cunt, wasn't he?

I think there were ebbs and flows of it. Yeah, but he Peter Bogdanovich wrote this book about conversations he had with them. Is it called The Bearded Cunt? Orson Welles story. But his line was all roads in Los Angeles lead to the airport. And I was like, yeah, if you go that way, they well. But but eventually, I think most of them lead to in and out, too. The good ones.

But eventually, they're going to be done with you. Eventually, they're done with everybody. Eventually, you're in, you're in the party. It happens in every fucking business. People in show business got to be stopped. So being so fucking melodramatic about the fact, you know, nobody wants an 80 year old plumber. OK, you're done. Well, I everybody wants a fucking we have 80 year old

everybody run in the country right now is in their fucking 80s. Pelosi, they're lizards, man. They're fucking lizards. Yeah. I love I love Pelosi. Who else? Who else you got? Pelosi, Schumer. Can you name all the starting Trump Schumer is a comic. I'm not going to go there.

You went you went from fucking politicians to comedians. Chuck Schumer. Oh, that's right. Yeah. He's fucking up there. He doesn't. They're all there. I do I honestly I don't pay attention. His name is Chuck. Chuck Schumer. All right.

Out of New York. He's been there forever. Sounds like a division three football player to me plowing ahead. All right, we had to cut out some more shit. Steve Barnes, it's just bringing the danger. Bringing the danger. I thought you all you Nashville people. I thought you guys, you know, can't say something nice.

You don't say none at all. That's right. Yeah, you just put on a hood and go light up across. Right. I love when Betty when Joan Joan Crawford passed and then Betty Davis, you're half white. Right. Yeah. Could you half? Could you get like a junior membership into the clan if you stay in Nashville long enough?

I get a junior. Yeah. And listen to like, you can never be like, you know, but how like I get the skank shift. I can go to the shit on Friday or Saturday. Remember good fellows. It's Bernie. Come on in. Oh, if you want a hundred percent Italian, you couldn't get in the mob. Yeah. So you're not a hundred percent white.

Like, but there's got to be they can still use you. Look, their numbers are dwindling. They could they need some fresh blood. Look what we did. We converted this guy. And he's half the the amount of things that are going out of business that you just never thought you'd add the clan to it. I just always thought there'd be enough idiots to put on sheets and stand in the fucking woods.

You know, you know what it is, Steve? People want to belong to some. They want to feel like they belong. I always thought it was so crazy how like when the clan. Why'd you join the clan? I don't know, man. I was lonely, got myself a big piece of property. It's what I thought I wanted. Just want some friends here.

Them bullfrogs and crickets every night. I got lonely one night. I went to a party, turned out one of the party. I love those fucking places, though. I make fun of the South Coast. Why wouldn't you? Yeah. You know what I mean? I'm not going to sit there and pretend I have respect for him. Sure. All right.

I like a winner. The North. No. No, I like I like the pace down there. It is a slower pace. Like everybody always shits on Alabama. I love Alabama. Why do you like Alabama? I just divide, man. Dude, if you go through there and you put on Tom Petty,

Louisiana Rain, forget about it. You're going to go, but you're going to buy a house. You want to be an old person. You want to sit on a porch. You want to people watch. I am not afraid of aging. I'm not. I'm not either. I love it. I can't wait to play the fucking grandfather that has three lines on a sitcom.

Just come in, catchphrase. You know where I'll be. And you put the thing on a thing. You go right in the bathroom. Grandpa's never just I guess it's my bedtime. Do that in a minute. Have a nice opioid fucking problem. My dressing room.

So tell me about this special. Where did you shoot it? Shot it in Nashville. Shot it in Nashville. I've always wanted to shoot a special in the city that I live in and just go to bed at night. I didn't have to get on a plane. That's fantastic.

And yeah, I just did this special. It's called The Last Late Night. It's an homage to the late night talk show. I felt like there's, you know, there's a lot of great specials out there. But for me, I was always like, well, I just keep doing the same shit. I got to do something a little bit different.

So I was watching a late night talk show. I was like, you really think about it? It's three styles of writing. It's monologue, one-liners, then panel storytelling, and then traditional stand-up. I thought, oh, that'd be kind of cool. Do that on a set. 20 minutes, 20 minutes, 20 minutes.

And so I insert a commercial breaks, have a live band. Oh, that's cool. You got a whole concept here. It's like a concept album for you. A concept album. And it looks, and there's an actual theme to it. It all comes down to something at the end where I kind of make my case.

It took five years, because I had to learn how to do. People think, oh, you're just a comic. Just go roast that person, or just do crowd work, or just improv. It's like, Jeff Ross is great at roasting. He's really great at roasting, but he worked on it. You got to work on these muscles. So the monologue stuff, I asked Argus Hamilton

to help me out. He helped me out a ton with it. And so after years of understanding how to write it and using him as a crutch, then I was like, oh, I think I got the hang of it now. So I was able to do the arithmetic on that. Yeah, those monologue jokes are hard. It's not, there's no fat on those jokes at all.

I have one writing job doing that. Oh, what show is it? That was for the Espeys. I'm sure you would have crushed it, though. You're such a big sports guy in here. But it's a different, you know what I mean? No, it's a different way to. And this is like on network TV,

so like so much of the subject matter, so much of the stuff was just no, no, no, no. Bill, for the 80th time, you can't say cunt. No, no, I wasn't even that. I was just, you know, you were dealing with networks and then you also dealing with the images of the leagues. Right, right, right. They're super protective of the.

Yeah, because I remember a long time ago, I wanted to do something for the NFL and they thought we were making fun of the fan base of a team. Right. Too much. We sort of shot like a sizzle reel outside the Oakland Coliseum at a Raiders game. Right.

And you know, all these people like, you know, you got like the real fans and people that dress up all crazy and shit. So what it would do is I would go over to the person dressed up crazy and I would be talking about the Raiders and they're like, yeah, the Raiders and all that. And gradually I would switch the topic

to something more serious, you know, like global warming or like foreign policy and then they would be standing there and they would actually have the conversation with you. You got a guy with all the makeup and the warrens and shit. Yeah, you know, I think it's more of a federal issue. Right.

And it was just silly. Yeah. It was silly because what you were actually showing was the person behind the carrier. They sort of dropped the, I got them to drop, I was getting them to drop the character to see who they were Monday through Saturday, right? And that was just the bit.

It was harmless. It was just funny to see them. One of the guys ended up being like a fucking scientist and he had this amazing, these amazing ideas. He was actually working on it and he was one of those guys that dressed up. It was a fucking great little piece, but they were worried that it was gonna come off

as like mean spirited and shit like that. So I was writing on a show like within the parameters like there's so much fucking money with those people and they're just casting, you know, they're commercial fishing. They don't fuck what they pull in. That's like, you know, it's like that Colin Kaepernick shit. Right.

Where like enough people said they didn't like them taking a knee. And then they were like, well, racist by jerseys too. So they sided with the racist and then they ended up looking stupid. And then they had to be like, well, wait a minute, we champion all kinds of thought and that enough. Like they would just, they, whatever the fuck

what's going on, they went like Don King. You ever seen that classic Don King thing where he goes into the fight with one fighter, hyping him up. Oh yeah. The guy gets, the dude gets knocked out and then he leaves the fight with the other fighter. Yeah, that's what they do.

It was fucking Russian Rocky Four. Yeah. So like that's what it, you were writing for. So it was, it ended up being like a lot. I got one joke. I think I did, or maybe Verzi got in it. Yeah. Was that that one?

I can't remember. I did one with, it was writing with Bartnick. So we were sitting there laughing our balls off, writing this shit. And then we handed it in to the woman that was running it. And they're like, nah, we can't use any of this stuff. Can't use it. And they're like, all right, let's go, let's go PG 13.

Laughing our balls off, bringing it in. And I can't use any of this stuff. Oh my God. Yeah. So, well they were still spooked from norm. They were still bringing up norm. Rest of the soul. No way, really.

Yeah. I mean, you know, I think that's, that's another reason why it like, look an hour special is an hour special. But I wrote this. Steve, can you promote the goddamn thing? Can you be excited about it? I am very excited about it.

But this is, this is one of the things. On roads, leave the Steve Burns special. Was, I was like watching Carson over and over again. And like Bob Hope and Danger Fields and Dean Martin. And I was, I was like studying them. And then I got to a point was like, well that's every political satire show, every late night talk show is not just left.

I think it's hard left. And I'm absolutely. Now it is, but back in the day. Back in the day it wasn't. So I thought, why not take more of a center's perspective and hit both sides. I wish everybody would do that. And I don't want to know who you fucking voted for.

I don't give a fuck. Robert Hartman, who we both know, he pulled me aside afterwards. He said, I still don't know politically where you're lying yourself. And I'm like, thank you. That was the best compliment I got. But then all the jokes I had that were geared towards

the right hitting a little hard on the left. Those are the ones, those, those 12 were the ones that didn't make it in. And I was, I was pissed. I was like, that's the whole point of this is to have, you know, not tip the scales one way or the other. And so if you watch it, the scales are tipped a little bit, more like a traditional standup show present day.

It's annoying. I'm furious about it. It's annoying. Hey, those are liberals. So liberal, they fucking, they edit what the fuck you say. Dude, it's a really, you know, I, you know, I used to think I was liberal now. I don't, I don't know what it is.

I just, I'm, What do you think it is? I'm becoming a separatist. Like I just don't want to be around any of that fucking talk. I don't give a shit. Right. And what do I think what is? Well, I think when you say,

I don't know what being a liberal is. I wonder, cause I, I know what it is. Well, what it used to be liberal was you were open minded. Yeah. And but there's a thing, but I, but I always felt though, that there was a time to be open minded and there was a time to be like, Hey, you know what I mean? Let's fucking played a little closer to the vest.

It's just, it's like anything. It's all how you apply it. So, yeah, I mean, I don't know. You know, I was talking to my podcast, all right? Capitalism has passed me by. Okay. Once you get to be my age, it's just done with you. Right. You're not buying enough shit.

You're not playing the game. Right. They walk you out of the casino. Bill, that's why I can't just sit here with your rum and Coke. You got to put some money on the table after a while. At least get a fucking hooker and get the fuck out of the casino. That's basically what it is.

So I'm basically now I'm out on the boardwalk. I was too teaches to the magic show. Thanks for being here. Yeah, I'm on my way to O'Shea's for the Nicholson. I like it. I like it. I'd like hanging with my kids. I like hanging with my wife and but I am, you know,

I'm taking a little break from the road, but I'm writing a whole bunch of new shit for when I go back out in April, which I'm really excited about because that's the part of the business, though, that has never gotten old for me is I love going on the road. I love doing stand up. I love being a fucking idiot. Like last night, I was just being a fucking idiot.

What stage? I was placed the bourbon room or something like that. It's a new place. And I was just being a fucking idiot. I was just saying so much stupid shit and the crowd knew. Sure. I'm telling you, dude, there's a new vibe out there. It's not like, you know, oh my God, you know,

dad's home vibe that it's been going off. Like, is this more open at this point? I kind of want to see you be like an idiot. And that's all I was doing, like, you know. Yeah, she got off easy. Just doing stupid shit like that. And just, you know, and them getting that, I'm just saying that.

Of course, yeah. Over the top. I obviously don't feel these things. And they were laughing, so it was just egging me on. And then you start hearing the comics laugh, and then you start chasing those laughs. And then you just end up talking yourself into these fucking, you know, like all those,

all that shit that happens late night at the store and all of that. It was like one of those sets. And then, of course, I did another show. And then the big thing there is don't think about the first show, but I was thinking too much about the first show, and it took me a little bit longer to get into it.

I've just learned that over the years. It's just like, you have a fucking amazing, feels like magical show. Best thing to do is forget that even fucking happened. But you don't, you're like, but on the first show, I said this, and people laughed here, and now it's down here. And they're just like, oh.

And then it just slowly. It's the roulette wheel again. It doesn't matter what you, what you started last month. And then you come out and go, oh my God, I fucking hate myself. But this fucking guy, man, you had so many incidents in this business. I remember the comedy store.

Not, I mean, the comic strip. Somebody threw a chair at you. Yeah, eight staples in the back. He had eight staples in the back of his head, and somebody actually put staples on it. Took his head shot. His head shot out of the frame, put staples on him and put it back in.

You just will always like, I don't know what, you were that guy, man. Like Bobby shows the video. Who, you know, if I had to guess, somebody's going to get a chair thrown at them. Like you would have been one of the guys. I'm like, all right. You walk in, everybody's got their head down.

It's like, what happened to burn? What, yeah. Yeah. And the thing was, you didn't have like a mean act. That's what I couldn't understand. Yeah. But you had a temper. Well, you look, I got that Irish fire.

I got the Korean fire, though. No, it's both people about that. It's both. Yeah. What are you? Korean, Korean had, it's. Everybody that's just fucking laid back. Oh, in Korea?

Yeah. No, it's called Han. So it's like the, it's like, it's basically having a shoulder. Nobody has a temper in Korea. He's just going to put that all in Ireland. Oh, they, 100% do. Do you know how I finally realized?

It's worse than, Koreans are known as the Irish of Asia. That's always been like the subtext with the Koreans. Whiskey, potatoes, drinking, singing, fighting, all of it. Do you know I ran to an Irish comic the other night and he finally explained to me what happened in the potato famine. I just thought they planted too many times in the same area and they ran out of potatoes.

The fucking British took their potatoes. It was like a genocide. They killed like two and a half million of them. Really? I always thought that. That's what he said. He had a fucking brogue, so I believed it. I didn't look it up.

He said it. I listened and I just repeated it to you. Okay. Yeah. It's fact. All right. Now let's out there. Now I know.

And it took me 48 years to learn about it and I'm wearing a collatering. That's how bad of a- How do they take all the potatoes? I don't know how you take them. You know why? They were all, Irish were all out drinking the night before. British got their own.

I'm sorry. It was an easy joke. So people can watch this on Amazon. Yeah. Amazon Prime last late night. Look, it's just fun. It's different. It's very different, but it's a lot of fun.

A lot of work went into it. And again, I think like now it's almost like the reason why you're like, oh, next hour, it's like, I don't know how you feel about our circle. You're back to wearing a pirate's hat. You're a pirate's fan now, huh? Come on. I've been to some games.

Yeah, of course. I mean, I'll always root for them, but there's nothing to root for. It's one of the best stadiums in the league with the worst. It's just bad ownership. It's horrible ownership. Horrible.

There's, it's like, what to root for? It's like a beautiful day at the park. I mean, that's what you're rooting for. I hope it doesn't rain today. Sun goes down. You get to look at those bridges. That's as good as it gets. But it is a great park to watch a game

and a hundred percent. I just wish- What could the fans do to force the sale? Would you just have to stop going? But I think even just TV revenue alone, he'll be, don't you break even on TV revenue alone? Who is your owner? Is it Mr. Burns?

It's like Bob Nutting, I think is his last name. Can he go out in Pittsburgh? I don't think he- Did he even live in Pittsburgh? I know he's been to some games and some fans have shown up with like, shirts shitting on him and he takes the picture and then it's on Instagram and he's like,

oh, motherfucker, so he doesn't really, he's very selective about who he takes pictures with. Yeah, it's one of those things. That's a shame, dude. I still, 1979, we are family pirates. That's one of my, that might be my favorite World Series of all time. Really?

It was just fun. They were down 3-1. They came back, Earl Weaver and the Orioles had those. Very colorful, the uniforms back then, that yellow really popped, even on the old school TVs and that orange of the Orioles. They had Eddie Murray and they had Jim Palmer. You guys had John Candleria, the Candyman,

Daryl Porter, Kent D'Covey. I remember all those guys, Omar Moreno. Right. Tina Fey at second base, what was his name? Tina Fey? It's like Tim Foley, that's right. I know it's the same initials. Yeah, but Three Rearers was not a great place

to watch a game in, so I'm glad they got the name. That place was a fucking- It was awful. By the time I got there, that place was a shit hole. I saw a Pirates game, I saw Willie Stardale make one of his final public appearances there. It was against the Cubs.

Yeah. So I had right field line, Sammy Sosa was right there and Willie Stardale came up there. I never saw a Steelers game there, which would have been iconic. Yeah, but it was like, to me, it was always like the greatest example of how much white people love concrete.

It was like, there was so much concrete. What are you talking about? Everybody loves concrete. We have concrete everywhere. Yeah, so why are you putting that on us? You build everything. We do? Yeah.

I thought we told other people to do it, and then we took credit for it. Here we go, edit that out. Why? I'm leaving that in. I'm talking about brown people. Is that what you're talking about? Am I talking about that?

Yes, you are. All right. I'm wearing the tea leaves. Well, what's wrong with that? Taking my jacket off. Oh. We're gonna, babe, are we gonna bring the fucking cellar table back?

Oh, what are we doing here? No, this just got, I got excited, so I wanted to keep wearing my jacket. Jesus Christ, I look like a fucking melted snowman. You look fantastic. That was. But do you think, in terms of our specials, that they mean as much as even just a few years ago?

Steve, I am trying my goddamn this to promote this fucking special. No, no, I'm asking you. And you're going gloom and doom on me. I'm asking you, like a real- I think they mean the same as they's always meant, that if you have one of the best ones, it's gonna do something for you.

If it's, it's not gonna do anything for you. That's it. Or if they see you and you fucking kill, but then when you go to their town, you're doing the exact same material, you fucked yourself again. I just think it's almost. You look like you were doing that toast.

You know when you lock arms with people? The way you went around the thing? Yeah, so I have always believed in, I remember I saw this interview Seinfeld said one time, he goes, you know, the comedy ecosystem always purifies itself, the cream's gonna rise to the top. And that's, that has to be how you think. Because when you're coming up, you know,

the guy with the silly hat or the fucking catchphrase or the fucking hot chick or the fuck, they got a hook man, they got a fucking hook. Oh my crazy fucking Appalachian wedding or whatever, right? They build a fucking show and all those people are getting the attention. You just gotta stay the course. Like dude, I remember going to like comedy festivals,

sitting at tables with comics now, some of the biggest comics out there, like none of them could get anybody to even fucking look at them. And they were all going after, you know, they, they, it was weird. Cosby Show came out and that became a big hit. And then Roseanne came out and then that became a big hit.

And then Seinfeld and then I just think everybody, it just became, that's what you gotta do. You gotta work totally clean. And then you gotta get a sit down, blah, blah, blah. And then everybody got into that must see TV thing. And it got really, it didn't get safe. It's just, they just kept picking safe people. Doom and gloom.

I just, I just think in the overall scheme of entertainment and content, there's so fucking much. And like- We're here talking about the state of comedy with Steve Byrne. But I think, I honestly think it's like you, people don't realize the sweat equity, the time that bandwidth that goes into something. And then it's, it's a firework in the sky.

People go, oh, it's fucking great. And then he just moved the fuck on. Before- I don't think that happens. I think if you connect with them, do you remember that guy that, that Latino dude drinking the beer on the fucking skateboard with the Fleetwood Mac playing in the background?

That was just, everybody connected with that guy. That guy was fucking cool as shit. He had the right song. He kind of reminded everybody to fucking sit back and enjoy life or whatever. Yeah, that guy is not a comedian. He's not even in this fucking business. Right.

All right, but he made something great. And everybody saw it. Yeah. I believe that. I don't give a fuck if there's nine million Netflixes. I really believe if you make something fucking great. Yeah. It's not a firecracker in the sky.

We'll see. I still have hope. I still have, the pilot lights still on in here. You wouldn't know it. Yeah. Okay. I know I look like an old house, but I'm telling you. The furnace is still pumping.

Yeah. What's going on, man? I thought you guys can move away from LA. I thought you guys get all happy because you're out there and you're with the people, man. Yeah. You're out there in the real America. With the real peoples.

Yeah. That's right. Where you can wave a Confederate flag and no one will judge you. Don't mean nothing, means something to everybody. In Tennessee. Just means. It really does.

Yeah, but I've heard the N word more in like New York and Chicago and LA. You know, going back to New York and just going to the clubs, I hear it, but. Oh yeah, New York, Chicago. I haven't heard it in the South, not even in a careless whisper. I haven't heard anything, veiled

or slightly racist or anything. And it's always that stigma, but I just haven't been, maybe I just haven't been around it. I don't know. Maybe not hanging out with the right people. I mean, I don't know what experience you're looking for there.

And I'm sure you can find it. Well, that's the stereotype. At Nashville, I think it's kind of, listen dude, you think I really think that there's more racist people in the, that one of the biggest fucking bullshit thing is that all the racist white people are in the South and in Boston.

It's not true. If you've done the fucking road, it's just. Why does Boston get such a bad thing? Bossing story went national. And then that was it. It's like the fucking people to this day think that Lake Erie caught on fire outside of Cleveland. It didn't.

It was an inlet. It was a little fucking area. There was some, you could fucking do that anywhere. They had some fucking oil and shit and somebody threw a fucking cigar in there and they called it a mistake by the lake. And everybody's like, the fucking lake caught on fire. It wasn't the lake.

It wasn't the lake. It was a little, yeah. It was in, you know where the old improv was? Yeah. Yeah, I don't know if it's still there. I never played a place, the Cleveland improv. It was like, you know that there was like, whatever, I'm not a sailor.

I don't know what you call it, but you're not out there. Right, right, yeah. You know, if you got a good fucking breath, you could probably swim from one side to the other. That's the part that caught on fire. So that's what happens. It's like, you know, Philly's forever gonna be, oh, they threw fucking batteries at Santa Claus.

Right. And blah, blah, blah, blah. That's all they talk. Oh my God, those fans are fucking crazy. It's like, they're crazy. People get killed out here. Yeah. That's just not a fun story.

To be like, he was wearing a Giants uniform jersey and he was with his kids and he got kicked in the head till he had brain damage and five years later he died. See, it's not as funny. Right, right. It's not a ring to it. Yeah. So Philly is looked at as the worst fucking fans.

Yeah. They're not. They have more of a frat vibe. We're out here. Like a hairy frat vibe. I don't, I'll be honest with you. I don't know anything about Philly. I did that stupid rant.

Everybody thought I knew everything, but I don't know anything about it. Other than that they have an unbelievable amount of one-way streets going in the same direction before the next one comes. That's all I know. And you just like, is this the one? Is this the one where I finally get to go?

Nope. No, I don't. Nope, not at all. No, I don't. And I also know that Route 95 avoids it. And I think that it's a really, it's amazing that it avoids it. It's a major city.

And then it's just because I really think that 95, I don't know who they didn't grease, but that just goes right past them down to fucking DC. Yeah, yeah. I feel like that has always made them be considered. That's why you can never get a direct flight. There was one direct flight from LA to Philly forever, that fucking US air flight,

and that goddamn brownie in purple airplane. That was a Pittsburgh-based airline, I believe US Airways. Yeah. But Hollywood's kind of the same too. As far as what? Like, I know you have the 101 on one side, but it's kind of landlocked. Yeah, by all kinds of conservatives

and gun owners and shit. That's what's funny. Everybody thinks out, everybody's out here, gender-neutral bathrooms, transgender people. They think everybody's, it's like, yeah, if you're underneath the Hollywood sign, you get out to Burbank and all, Inland Empire, Riverside, all of that shit,

all of those beaches. By the way, underneath the Hollywood sign, that Gower exit, where you go to like UCB and all that stuff, have you been there recently? No. It's fucking crazy how disgusting that is. And there's like a lot of affluent people that live right off that exit, right up into their hills.

Oh, why don't we help those people? A lot of them are veterans. Do you know a lot of those people who are living underneath that fucking bridge? A few years ago, we're getting cheered halftime in an NFL game. Then they come out the other side of the military. You think it's all like vets?

There's a lot of vets down there. Yeah, yeah. I don't know. I don't know the breakdown. I'd love to know what, I don't know who's polling the homeless, but. Well, you got all prickly there, didn't you? I didn't get prickly out.

You left LA and now you're gonna come back and shit on it like this was a clean city when you were here? It wasn't. Look, I lived down the town. The city shouldn't even exist. It's a desert. It's a moron city. There's no palm trees. Palm trees don't exist here.

They were all forced to be here. They had a dream. Palm trees are gonna make it big and they came out to LA. They have a right to dream too. Yeah. And a lot of them made it to Beverly Hills. There's gonna be no water here in 10 years.

Okay, great. Yeah. There's no water. Specials don't mean anything. Specials means I wasn't. What are we doing here? How are you? What kills me today is the amount of rain

that went down the LA River right out into the fucking ocean and they don't save one drop of it. And every year they're like, don't take a shower. Listen, I'm gonna tell you what, I'm gonna tell you something about LA, dude. I'm going down with the ship out here. You're hitching your... I don't give a fuck.

Can I tell you something, Steve? If you're gonna sit in Nashville and watch LA fall into the ocean and you wanna continue into that world, I don't. I root for LA. I root for California. I don't wanna see Miami under fucking water. No, I would be like, but thank God I don't fucking live there.

I'm not one of those people that left and is like, man, fuck LA. Like, I still love LA. I mean, I spend... You said one good thing about it. You're talking about dirty people on Gower. You're saying all fucking roads lead to the airport. I'm fucking...

That was the industry. You know what? I'm offended. Well, your special sounds interesting. And it doesn't sound like a fucking firecracker in the sky. I think it could do something for you. Well, we'll see. Maybe turn that frown upside down.

Yeah. What's going on out there, man? Too many belt buckles? How many people have told you you're one of the good ones out there? Oh, dude, you know how many times I hear that? You do? Nailed it!

When I... Bam! You're one of the good ones. I like you, Steve. You ain't like the other ones. You're one of the good ones. You ain't fucking them bad, are you? Yeah.

Just kidding. That's where coffee came from. You know that, don't you? But also here, when I come back, and I haven't seen people in quite some time, they go, oh, you're one of the good ones, man. Oh, it's good to see you too. I'll take that compliment.

But do they mean one of the good people in this business? I think so, yeah. You gotta do that math, though, right? Yeah. And I also should make it sound like, and it's funny, as I'm sitting there, they go, they act like all the racism is in South and in Boston, and every time I do a Southern guy, I do the racist thing.

Rick, Rick, it's just always fun. It's easy. It's easy. But it is funny. Plus, I'm not good at accents. What's the worst accent you've had to do? Had to do? I did a British one on a show years ago.

Oh, God. Didn't work for years after that. Yeah, I mean, I never booked any of the auditions. You know, back then you just go, yeah, can you do a Chicago accent? Oh, yeah, mom, get some pop, put it in the box. Oh, geez. Start combining fucking.

Wisconsin and Boston. You know, it's funny, I went to, when I did Fargo, I remember them all saying that, going like, you know, we don't talk like that. Everybody always makes a point. It's like, well, you know. Well, my wife is from Minnesota, and she's like, we don't talk like that.

I'm like, you're talking like it right now, like you have the accent. There's elements of it. Yeah. I mean, the Boston accent, I love listening to people doing it, trying to do it. And every once in a while, somebody like gets it.

Like I just watched the verdict. Yeah. Sydney LeMette with Paul Newman. Paul Newman, right? Yeah. And some of the Boston accents in there, just wild. Like going like. Like actory, Boston accents.

No, they just were just bad where they just go, oh, I'll see you in cut instead. Oh, you know the worst? Well, cause they think everything's ca-pock. So they go, cut. You just say the word without the, I've been for years, I've been trying to help people out.

Yeah. You just, you say the word like you'd normally say it, court. Court. You just take the R out, court. Court. Court. Court.

I'll fucking see you in court, dude. Have you ever seen 13 days with Kevin Costner? No. It could be, you might find it offensive. How bad it is. I don't, I don't because I know how bad my accent. Dude, you should hear like my Irish, English and Scottish.

It's all just, it's a mismatch. I can't. A little Australian in there. I can only say one word and with an Irish dialect is, oh, you're fucking cunt. That's it. And I learned it from Marques. Cause I watch him.

Yeah, cunt. That's it. Yeah. I can only say what was said to me back. I can't do it and then just like pick it up. I guess I could if I like lived there long enough. Yeah. I remember when I was making fun of women that get that.

What time, what time was this, Bill? It was a more playful time. And I was making fun of women that have that shorter hair. I told this story on Bobby's podcast with, you know, once your wife has a couple, two, three kids, she gets that haircut, you know, cause she doesn't want to deal with it anymore. Right.

The first time you bend her over, you feel like you're fucking your friend, Eric, that joke. Whatever, it's a cute joke. And in the end, you know, I was signing whatever the fuck I was signing, you know, trying to get a following over there. And I looked up and there was a woman with like short hair

and she just looked at me and she just goes, was this the haircut you were talking about? Yeah. Yeah. Actually it was. I didn't say I was like, I was like, I don't know, let's kill you. The cheekbones.

I hated that. I didn't just admit to it. Like, yes. Yeah. And you know what was. Of course. Yes. And she's got that heat when you're in the audience,

knowing she's talking for that Irish anger. Yeah. I have nothing to lose. That was a wild trip. I went, I was, did Belfast up there, man? Like that, that's one of the places I will never, the fucking vibe in that city still. Right.

This from the Troubles, which is so classic Irish. You know what I mean? Like if you didn't even know what the word holocaust meant, that just sounds like something horrific happened. Yeah. The Troubles is just so underplayed. Oh, that was back during the Troubles. And it's like kneecap in each other,

fucking taking people out, families. I mean, I don't even, I shouldn't even talk because I don't even know what the fuck happened. But all I knew was that every Irish guy that I met in Belfast that was like about eight to 10 years older than me, their fucking vibe was like, you could just, you just, you just, you immediately went to their energy

of like, I'm coming in like, hey, great to be here. How you doing? Yeah. Yeah. Just like, they had just like, like whatever they had been through. Like it was just one of those things, man. You could just, I mean, it was great crowd.

It was great fucking place. But tension. Yeah. Yeah, and they still had that wallop. I, this guy, he was actually suggested a book to read, but there's just something about now that I have kids. I just can't, he's been able to read shit like that. I just can't read shit of human beings

doing horrible shit to each other. I can't do it anymore. Becoming a softy. I've watched too many Pixar movies. You know? Yeah. What's a good fucking movie to get me back? To get you back to what?

I used to read all of the, you know, rape and N. King. I would just sit there reading these books. Yeah. All these horrible things that people have done to each other. But man, it's tough to, yeah. I mean, like I saw the, I saw Joker, that Joker movie, Joaquin Phoenix, it's single handedly,

like I would watch, I would watch Million Dollar Baby as a pick me up after that. It was like, this movie is fucking depressing. And I remember watching it going, I get it. I appreciate it. I'll never watch this again. I, like I felt icky for three days like, ah, fuck. I would just want to be nice to people after that movie.

I would say Joaquin Phoenix crushed it. Yeah. He did, right? It killed it. Yeah. But it just, the whole. He's one of those people that makes me want to quit the business.

Oh, he's. You know, you start, you think you're starting to get good at acting and then you watch one of his movies and it's like, ah. I think Leonardo DiCaprio. Once upon a time in Hollywood, that's my fifth, that's my favorite one. You ever seen The Aviator?

The Aviator? Just lose the R. Let's go see The Aviator. I never saw that one. No, I didn't. He's Howard Hughes. And there's a scene where he, he can't stop saying this one phrase over and over again.

And he, he's slowly devolving into, he's losing his mind. Madness, yeah. But he's looking. What are you, a syphilis or something like that? I don't know exactly what it was, but he's, he's looked probably, I mean, he, he banged like everybody.

Literally Howard Hughes and Leonardo DiCaprio. But he's looking at himself in the mirror and he's realizing he's going crazy, but he's great. Like you see it and it's just fucking heartbreaking watching that scene. I gotta see that. It's, it's, it's great.

It's really great. The performance I think is better than the film. And I still love the film. Maybe that's a good one. No, I had to do the math on that. Get you back on track. Performance is still better, is better than the film, but I still like the film.

I mean, you fucking went over the fence like three times in that sentence. Performance was better than the film, but I still like the film. So now I don't know where the film is. I like the film, but he is so good in that movie. That guy crashed like, like three different planes, I think.

Yeah. Something like that. And he was the first to take on TWA and not, not TWA was- You consider yourself the Howard Hughes of Comedians? Would you? I would, no. Not at all.

Why, you don't monitor yourself after a white guy? What are we doing here? I had pneumonia. Great to be here in this confined room with you. No, I had it. I had it. How long ago? Like a month ago, and then, you know,

and I went to find what's really up with pneumonia.net. And I got some, I got some pills off of that website. Great. I feel, I feel good. Thanks, I can't wait to- No, I went, I went to a fucking urgent care. Did you really? Urgent care.

Talk to the doctor, dude. He fucking hooked me up. So wait, when did you start feeling better? Like, you know, a couple of weeks ago. Okay. No, a couple of days after Christmas. Oh, shit, here we go. Here we go.

Now we got it. I'm gonna be lying to you. I'm kind of feeling a cold sweat right now. Great. No kidding. Let's just open mouth kiss. What are you talking about? You go to Nashville.

You guys don't wear masks out there. Nobody wears a mask anymore. What about Bandanas? Do you guys have Marama? When you go rob a bank. The cheater, yeah. The cool, the cool COVID mask. I know.

I mean, Nashville's not really Tennessee anymore, is it? Nashville itself, I don't think so. I think it's very- Cost of Holiton. Yeah, very open-minded. All right. Very progressive. Well, the leadership is very progressive.

The mayor is, yeah, of Nashville. I know that. Do you get offended when a restaurant has Asian infused? That's like, why could you accept all of us? Yeah. By the way, Indians are not Asian. I'm just saying that on the record. When people think of Asia-

Well, people from India? They are Asia, because- But it's not- But they're Asian. What are they? But you think of the top three. You think Japan, Korea, China. Well, Canadians aren't American,

even though they are part of North America. Sure. We're all considered American. But Indians, I don't consider. You don't consider. Oh, shit! Well, I'm sure one billion of them are fucking caring what you think.

Well, I- Look, Russell Peters hasn't asked me to open for this one. Where do you cut off Asia? Where does Asia begin and end with you? This is Japan. Korea. The white people of Asia, right? Yeah.

The cute ones. Then, no, they're the ones who think that they're the chosen ones. Yeah. Right? And then you got, what'd you say? Koreans are the Irish? Well, you gotta go-

This is great! Breakdown Asia into European countries. China is- Let me guess. China, I would- England. England? I was gonna go Germany.

Really? Oh, well, yeah. Well, Japan would be Germany. Okay. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I've read some books. Yeah. Yeah.

Look, Bill, I believe in my hour special. That's my point. Okay? All right. Yeah, all right. But- Filipino, that's like a minor league affiliate. No.

Yeah. No, man, that's like the fucking Mediterranean. They know how to live. Beautiful people. That's the Mediterranean view. The happiest, one of the happiest countries I've ever been to in my life. Dude, you go all along the Mediterranean.

Everybody there, they know how to fucking live. Yeah. The Angus up north. I was in the Philippines on a USO tour with Roy Wood Jr. You know, there's jipneys. There's like decked out cabs. There's people in the cab.

There's people on top of the cab. There's people hanging on the cab, like hanging on the outside. We used to do that in the garbage trucks. But I saw a guy hanging off a guy hanging off the thing. And we were both like, what the fuck is going on here? But everybody was so- By far the strength.

What's that? Core strength. Core strength. That's right, yeah. He was just clinging to a guy. He was clinging to the guy. With his legs too. He was holding on to the guy.

Did he wrap his leg around? And like brace his foot on something like a bumper, but he was holding on to the guy. It's amazing. Yeah. Happy people. They are. That's why I said Mediterranean.

All right. Singapore. Singapore? Don't know enough about it. Switzerland. Yeah? One of those places. We don't want to get involved in anything,

but Bob has a lot of banks here. Well, I think that line will beat you with a stick. That'd be Taiwan, don't you think? Because Taiwan wants to be neutral, but the Gondro woman went. I don't know. Gondro lady. She fucking went from Australia.

She goes to Bali or someplace and has a whole boogie board. Instead of boogie board, it's all weed. And they're like, is this your bag? She's like, yeah. They're like, all right, we're going to put you to death. Oh, shit. Yeah.

You ever saw that? Well, that's not Switzerland. That one will make you never want to travel again. Well, what was it, Midnight Express? Yeah, that's another one. Yeah. That's another thing too. You can't travel with people that fucking smoke weed

because they'll do shit like that WMDA chick did. They forget, man. I fucking, you know? And there's so many different fucking ways to have it. Yeah. Right? That's what's great about alcohol. It's in a can or in a fucking bottle.

I guess you can have those little ones, but they got, they got gummies. They got ointment. They got cologne. I mean, they got weed and fucking everything. If they're scratching when the dog comes in the airport, just get the fuck away from them. Yeah.

It's it. By the way, you want to talk about it. We can't travel to one of those hardcore countries with anybody that even remotely fucks with weed. But like pay disparity between NBA and WNBA, it's like, yeah, she had weed. I mean, if you're a true professional athlete, I think you got the hiring shit.

You got Coke. You got some good shit on you. Do people really do Coke anymore? Athletes, athletes really do Coke. You know what's, I don't, I don't even know many comics that even drink anymore. That drink, a lot of them vape. Well, I think once weed became legal.

Yeah. It's just such an easier fucking high man than fucking, you know, the one thing about drinking booze is you get, you earn it. You fucking got to get all these beers down or you got to drink some gas. You really earn it. We're like weed is just kind of like, eh.

I never did it. I never got it. Maybe I should. I don't know. I'm just gonna sit here until this kicks in. It's like, it's just such a nicer way to go. And there's no hangover. There's no after effects from it.

Depends on what you do. You can definitely can have like way too much. I went to do Burt's. You're out in public and you don't want to talk to anybody. Yeah. I always just admit, I just, people just look at me, I'm just like,

I'm just like really too high right now. I'm doing, oh. And then they just laugh and I go, all right. That's the best way to get out of the paranoia. I don't even know what the paranoia is about. It's legal. Well, you just fucking sitting there going online. I'll tell you, I was doing, I did Burt's podcast

two days ago at 1130. It's another sign of aging. You crossed your arms and you started a sentence. Cause I'm not happy about what I'm about to say. No, no, you started this sentence with, I'll tell you. I'll tell you. Bill, back in my day. You don't know this about me, Bill.

I like old man Steve. 1130 to 330, just drinking. And then I was like, fuck. Well, I came here to do Lopez's podcast. Wait, 1130 AM? AM. To 330. Came here to do George Lowe.

I don't even fucking remember doing it. I just remember looking at George and like, I can't believe I'm in the room with, cause I really respect him. I think he's fantastic. And I've always heard great things about him. And he was so kind, but it's just like a blur. And then I went to eat and then I kept drinking.

Cause I was like, like, if I go to bed, if I go to my hotel, I'm going to pass out. So I should just have another drink. Well, did you have a shower or something? Comedy store, improv, yeah. Did my sets that night. Blottoed. And I haven't felt right since.

And of course, I mean, it's been two, I never do that. I never fucking, I never did drink. I've been hammered on stage twice in my 31 years. Just twice? Yeah. Once I was coming. Never like a New Year's? You never went like a little?

No. I, one time I was coming back from a Yankees Red Sox game at the old Yankee stadium. And I didn't think I was drunk. You had a few pops at the game. Yeah. And I didn't think I was drunk. And remember Maria Shahada?

She's in England now. She had, she goes, hey, I got, somebody dropped out. Can you do this spot? And I was just like, yeah, I'm not, you know, you shake your head. Yeah, I'm fine. I'm fine. I thought it was clear.

Dude, I went on stage. Brutal, slurring. Didn't go well. That and then another, and then one other time I was in Kilkenny, Ireland. And that was, I was embarrassed. I was embarrassed about that because I actually had a show. It was the wrap up show.

Right. And again, it's just tasted so fucking good. And I'm hanging and I'm fucking, I went up there and I did okay. And I should have killed. And it was a stupid move. And the whole thing was I went over there to be seen, to be brought back.

And I went up there and I did, one of the worst things you can do other than bombing was I got the job done. You didn't lose them. Right, right. Yeah. They're still here. Thank you. Whatever your name is, I've already forgotten it.

Keep it going for that guy. Yeah. You know what, I find it, the anxiety the next day is a hundred times worse for me now than ever. I don't know what it is. I don't know if it's age, but I'll have some drinks. And then the next day, I don't even have a hangover. I just had the anxiety of like having drunk the last night

and I'm like, did I do something stupid or bad? Or just replaying everything. I was just like, oh, God. And I would never watch that. I know if I watch that, George Lopez, ATC, the appearance, I'm like, oh, God, I know I'm gonna want to fucking eat a shotgun. Well, they're readily available in Nashville, Tennessee.

Everywhere. My real estate agent had one. I mean, crazy. All right. Well, I enjoyed this. I enjoy catching up with you. And I'm so happy for you in your film. I honestly am.

I cannot wait to see this. And I think we'll see what happens. No, I think the game now trying to figure out, you know, I think the industry has been so scared to do comedy. So scared to come back, though, because they're rebooting house party. I saw that trailer. I was like, I want to see that.

Yeah. Because I love my god. It's a fucking comedy. Yeah, it's going to be great. And they got all the originals coming back, I think. What else did I say? I saw something else that was out there. You know, I root for shit, Steve.

Yeah. This industry is too hard for any. To see somebody have something, it's like, I always root for, especially comics, because it's so fucking hard. Unless you hate them. Let's be honest. Very few I hate.

Yeah, isn't that great? Hates are strong. Yeah. When I was younger, there was comics I hated. And now that I'm older, it's just like, yes, I don't give a fuck. It doesn't matter anymore. It doesn't matter anymore. I just don't have the energy.

I just don't. Too hate some like. No, you know what, instead of going with hate, I just go with avoid. Yeah. Yeah. There's people I'm not going to go on my way to say it. No, I just avoid.

I avoid. Because it's what the fuck I mean. You don't have to get along with everybody. You just be nice. You just avoid. Be cordial. I love avoiding. That's what I love about the comedy.

There's so many nooks and crannies and doorways you can just fucking. Oh, my God, that is. Yeah. You can just lean against the wall and a magic door spins you around over there. I got to get out of here, though, man. I got some shit I got to go fucking do back home there.

Thank you so much for coming out. Thank you. Amazon. Check out Steve Burns. I'll tell you, I am very proud of this. And I think people enjoyed it. Yeah, I think they're going to be great. All right.

Yeah. I like you getting a little curmunginy. I like that. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. No, I think my just my thing is just, you know, I think. I don't want to get into your childhood. I'm trying to wrap this up here. Let's talk about the Holocaust.

You know what? What did you say? You know what the thing is? The thing is, whatever the fuck you do. It's a classic old main intro. All right. That's the Thursday afternoon, just for Friday. Monday morning podcast.

Amazon.com. The last late night. Check out Steve Burns' new special. That's it. Thanks a lot. Have a great weekend, you cunts. I wish I would have met you. Now it's a little late.

What you could have taught me. I could have saved your face. They think that your early ending was so wrong. For the most part, they're right. But look how they all got strong. That's why I see emanation. Good shot, man. That's why I see emanation.

Good shot, man. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr in the Monday morning podcast for Monday, January 12th. I'm going to guess. No, it's not January 12th. What the fuck? Well, wait a minute. 17th is Saturday.

Fridays is 16, 15, 14, 13, 12. Yeah, it's the fucking 12th. I'm on the road and I got to keep my voice down here because I'm in the fucking hotel room and I don't feel like... It also always happens whenever I do a podcast in the hotel room that somebody eventually knocks on the door because I'm screaming cunt too loud. If I was screaming bastard, that would be fine.

Okay, but if I screamed cunt, then all of a sudden they start thinking about NFL players and their bottom lips quivering and they realize that they got to get it right. Got to get it right. Got to get it right. And then they come up here and then I have a fucking problem. So anyways, this is going to be my tone for the fucking week. I'm in New Orleans.

Do you know what it means to miss New Orleans? That's where my baby goes. Got an acting gig out here for a couple of days, a couple of days. And yeah, that's it. Anyways, did you guys watch the football this weekend? How exciting was the goddamn football? This fucking city is so fucking shady, man. I love it, but it's fucking shady.

I've never been in a city where you feel like it's Christmas and you could get your fucking throat slit at any second. I mean, that is New Orleans in a nutshell. That and there's not a vegetable to be found in this city. Anyways, let's go with the first thing first, the Packers Cowboys game. I got like the fact that that isn't ruled a fucking catch. And I know everybody's sick of this point, but I don't give a fuck. If I saw one more nerd who looked like he could even catch a fucking beach ball underhanded

in a fucking playroom, explain to me why watching Des Bryant catch that ball and then have it said it wasn't a catch. I was going to fucking throw the TV out the way I wasn't going to do that. Come on. I get sued. You know, I'm not that kind of guy, but it's fucking unbelievable. The guy, this is what kills me about that fucking rule. Des goes up, catches the ball, runs three steps,

and then because he's so fucking athletic, he's got giant hands. He can hold the ball in one hand against his wrist. As he goes down, he has the presence of mind to try to get it as close as he can to the goal line as the ground pops out. And then they go, it's not a catch. And every fucking thing about him catching the ball is not admissible under the rule. He goes up, catches the ball, not admissible, moves it from one hand to another, not admissible as far as control, runs three steps.

You can't count the steps. It was like some boss hog shit, right? Then fucking extends his arm. He didn't extend it far enough. And then he fucking hits the ground and pops out. Yeah, no catch. I'm trying to wrap my head around that fucking rule that all of that, all of Des Bryant catching that football is not admissible.

Because, I don't know, maybe the rule is a good rule because, as they're saying, they want a clear cut definition of what is a catch and what isn't a catch. I love that the ref thought it was a catch. And then it's supposed to be like irrefutable evidence to like, I almost couldn't say the word, evidence, evidence that, I don't know, I just fucking blew my mind. Like, when they caught the ball, they gave it to him. Let's just say the Cowboys punch it in then.

Then they were up, what, three, four or whatever. And then you get the excitement of the Packers get the ball back and Aaron Rodgers, and they got two minutes. You got this unbelievable end to the game as opposed to, wow, wow. Oh, we're sorry. What you just saw happen didn't really happen. Fuck it. That is, I gotta tell you, that is the worst.

I can't say it's the worst. Like, the Tuck Rule is the worst fucking rule I ever seen in my life. And that's coming from a Patriots fan. The Tuck Rule is the dumbest thing I've ever seen in my life. There was never a problem with, you know, 90% of time, even before instant replay, was his arm going back or was it going forward? And that was either, you know, incomplete pass or a fumble. That whole thing that, but if you then tuck it against you,

like a little fucking loaf of bread, that that becomes what an incomplete pass, the dumbest fucking rule I've ever seen in my life. And before you rate a fans feel vindicated that I'm saying this, know that you have a Super Bowl trophy. And I've, I remind you this because you guys are so busy dressing up like fucking Alice in Wonderland before you go to the game. All right, you bunch of theater majors that you forget that Super Bowl 11, you won that on a horrific roughing the passer call that put the ball all the way down on the one yard line.

Okay, against the New England Patriots. So it evened out. Okay. It evened out, right? So we have one that we shouldn't have and you have one that you shouldn't have. So we're fucking even, but Jesus Christ. And my Patriots had the biggest fucking win ever. I can't get over the fact that they fucked me as a fan and said that that wasn't a catch and an exciting end of that game.

And instead, see how we long, how we long look, look pissed. It's like that's a fucking catch. Exactly. It is a fucking catch. But now with these new nerd rules, you can't count the steps. Why? He added in his both of his hands. You can't count that.

You can't count it. He extended his hand. He didn't extend it far enough. The fuck more does the guy have to. Des Bryant basically got punished for having gigantic hands and being athletic. You know what I mean? Because anybody else would be so psyched. They just got the ball.

They would have fucking tucked it in and it would have been a catch. But he was so fucking athletic that despite the fact that that guy was pulling him down to the ground, he still fucking caught it. The other guy had positioned. He still fucking call it caught it. He was going down to the ground. He still maintained possession of the fucking ball and then has the presence of mind to see the goal line and try to get it across. Which is that's what caused the ball not to be caught. He's because Des Bryant is so fucking good.

I mean, that's another thing is the cowboy spent all this fucking money on this guy. Our first round draft pick for that exact moment in the game and the guy delivered. And that stupid rule takes it away. Fucking unreal. Jesus Christ. Is there anybody remotely athletic looking who can actually get on the TV and tell me why that isn't a fucking catch? Put it this way. I understand why Howie Long thought it was a catch.

And that fucking nerd who goes on. Well, you know, you can't count the steps. You can't, you know, he has a ball of both hands, but there has to be clear and present danger with a motive involved. And you got to take the due process. Whatever the fuck he was talking about is you're watching literally like he was almost like a cult leader who was just telling you what you were seeing wasn't happening. So you'd still think, you know, his version of Jesus or whatever. He caught the fucking ball. There's another thing.

Another rule. Let's just talk about NFL rules here. Ground can't cause a fumble. Why? The ground causes a fumble every fucking game. I see it all the time. The ground can't cause a fumble. You just don't call it.

The ground causes way more fumbles than Lawrence Taylor ever fucking did. Ground can't cause a fumble. That's bullshit. You should say we don't count it if the ground causes a fumble. I mean, that's, that's how I looked at that play. Desbrae caught the ball and then the ground caused the fumble and then he fucking recovered it. No, not according to rule number 98.75 in the book of Genesis. What a crock of shit that fucking rule is.

Or is it a good rule? And it just had an unfortunate time of rearing its ugly head. I gotta wait a second. Is all those fat cheese eating morons are fucking nodding their jowls right now. Can you hear it? Can you hear him shaking up in Rhinelander? Remember the fuck I used to do gigs out there? And I didn't have a fucking dog in that fight.

I just as an NFL fan was like, oh my God, the Cowboys are now going to get a touchdown and go up. See if the Packers can answer just now. Nope. Nope. The nerds come out with their fucking protractors. Do you understand that they just said you can't count the steps? The guy caught the ball and is running as he's falling to the ground. He's still running because he's that level of an athlete and they go, you can't count that. All right, whatever.

Oh, Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ. I mean, that almost killed the excitement I had of the Patriots beating the Ravens. That's how much I fucking hate this. The turn that sports have taken, you know, where they got all these fucking causes attached to everything and people crying during the fucking commercials and then this shit. You get to watch a guy make a fucking great catch and then it's taken away because of the last cunt hair of the fucking move. That's what they look at. Everything else of that amazing play.

Nah, it doesn't count. Doesn't fucking count. And there's nothing too. The amount of fucking morons that don't understand the definition of karma. Who sat there and said, that's karma, baby. You know, because there was a shit call the week before that went in favor of the Cowboys. The Cowboys didn't make the call. All the Cowboys are guilty of is showing up in playing the Detroit Lions.

If anybody's going to pay for those bad calls, it's the refs. The refs fucked the Lions, not the Cowboys. So then the refs come back the next week. And what are they doing? Are they evening out their karma? What does that mean? So that means I could go out and go murder somebody and then the next week I help an old lady across the fucking street and then it's even. It isn't.

They fucked. They fucked up two weeks in a goddamn row. I don't know. I just, I can't fucking believe that's not a catch. This is the stupidest thing ever. He caught the ball. You can't count that. He's still going down to the ground.

Yeah, he's getting tackled. He had to jump over the guy. He's getting tackled and he still maintained control of the fucking ball. And anybody who tries to say when he reached out with that ball that that ball isn't right as rain and it's not even moving and that Des Bryant does not have completely complete control of that. You're a pack of fan or you're a fucking, I don't know what you are. I don't know what you're looking at. He clearly has, like the fact that it has to be up against your fucking body. The guy's clearly reaching towards the goal line.

All right, I'm done. I'm done. All right, we're going to go reverse here in reverse direction. We'll do the Sunday games and then the Saturday games. The Colts beat the Broncos. Both Paul Verzi and Jason Lawhead both called that. Lawhead even went as far as to say that if the Colts rushed for 100 yards against the Broncos, they were going to win by two scores. So he extra called it.

And once again, I feel vindicated after 10 years way back in the day when we were winning championships and they were still saying if you had to build a team. You know, if I had to pick a guy, I'd go with Peyton Manning over Tom Brady. I'm telling you, I don't know what the fuck it is. I don't know what the fuck it is, but you saw it this weekend. One guy was down by 14 points twice and still won the game. And the other guy, you know, you saw what happened. Okay, I'm sick of that fucking argument. All right, I've said it forever.

If you want 600 yards in October, you know who you want. If you want to win in January, you know who you want. All right. That's it. Go fuck yourself. Okay. And hey, Colts fans, how psyched are you that he was on the other side of the ball now? You know, you got Andrew Luck.

You know, I love about Andrew Luck is I guess, you know, you go to Stanford. He was a three point something GPA. And I guess he's a super smart guy. I love the fact that he's a super smart guy, but he looks like he should be barefoot wearing overalls sitting next to a moonshine still. You know, he looks like right out of like central casting, like he'd just be sitting there with some straw hanging out of his mouth. And I think that they're going to give the Patriots a hell of a fucking game next weekend. That's once again, just like when we played the Ravens. I wasn't going to be surprised if we lost at home because, dude, the fucking ravers man, what an organization they are.

You know, losing all those guys, Ed Reed, Ray Lewis and Ray Rice, and they still come out. They got a beast at running back. How fucking horrific did we look against the run? That guy, that guy must have averaged like 12 yards per carry in the first half. That game was an absolute classic and I'm not going to fucking shit talking or anything about that because I actually, I like the Ravens. I think their organization is, I think they're a great fucking organization and I wish that we had the knack for drafting, drafting defensive players the way they do or whatever the fuck they're doing down there. So I didn't see the Seattle game because I was flying out, flying out to New Orleans, but I did see bits and pieces of it and I'm sticking with that. That's my pick to win the Super Bowl is going to be the Seattle Seahawks are going to repeat unless they completely fuck up, which would be fun to see, you know, with all the bandwagon Seahawk fans now,

which you always get when you've got the bandwagon fucking Patriots fans, all those jerk offs coming to the stadium now dressed like fucking Paul Revere. Showing up to the game with your dumb, long rifle, whatever the fuck you're doing. Where were those guys? Where were those guys back in the day? Went to Sullivan Stadium, looked like some glorified high school program with a fuck where they were nowhere. So I'm not shitting on, when I shit on Seahawk fans, I'm not shitting on those people that fucking sat in the kingdom and Seahawk fans, you know who the fuck I'm shitting on. Those fucking jerk off showing up, painting themselves green. Who does that with your construction helmet? How many of those fucking people that wear those construction helmets are actually construction people working on a job site? How shameful would that be? If you actually showed up wearing a construction helmet and you can't construct anything, right? I would be as offended if you showed up wearing a fucking apron and you couldn't make a pie crust from scratch.

Fucking jerk off showing up with your fucking American flag on the side of your helmet. Oh god, turns out you're an accountant who just does P90X. And who paints your back? That's what I want to know. Is it your buddy? Does he put the green makeup on your back? The whole fucking thing is just so dungeons and dragons, it just gives me douche chills. I can't handle it. So anyways, next week, I'm going to be honest with you, I don't know who the fuck's going to win. I have no idea man, I'm sticking with my pick that Seattle's going to repeat and you know, and other than that I just got a bunch of cliches if anything can happen, if anybody can beat the fucking Seahawks, it's the fucking Packers or whatever. But I think it's going to be Patriots Seattle in the Super Bowl and I don't know.

The fact that we got absolutely no pressure on Joe Flacco and we were actually getting manhandled by two rookie linemen. I don't think that's a good thing considering they have Wilson and whatever the fuck his name is there, who ran through the entire St. Marshawn Lynch. I don't think that's going to be a good thing for us. I would say that. As far as the defenses that we played up against to see how much Brady has been on his back to then go up against Seattle, who looks like they are the best fucking defense out there. It's not fucking rocket science. Obviously as a Patriots fan I hope that we would beat them, but I don't fucking know. You know, I can't fucking get over the fact that they took that fucking catch away. Jesus Christ, what a fucking buzzkill.

Then you just get to watch them run out the clock. Anyways, let's get to some of the fucking advertising here for this week. Why do they make you say it three times? Every fucking one of them. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. That's boo, boo, boo, boo, boo. It's like, yeah, I fucking got it. Sorry, I'm in such a cunty mood at fucking goddamn blue balls I have. Watching that fucking Packers goddamn fucking game. Come on, as a football fan you didn't want to see the Cowboys score and then see Aaron Rodgers come down and answer it.

So fuck yourselves. Anyways, hey, what can I talk about this week? Oh, as far as the helicopter license thing goes, I sold it for the first time this week off airport. The first one I did was 45 minute round trip, but the second one I flew for three hours and six minutes by myself over the LA Basin. And I'm not going to lie to you, that was the scariest fucking thing I've ever done in my life. And I told my instructor that too when I came back, I was told him I was scared shitless and he laughed his ass off and said that he was too. So it actually made me feel normal because I got to be honest with you. By the time I got back to the airport, I didn't want to fly anymore. I was looking down at the Hobbs meter and I had to have three hours by myself or else this lesson didn't count.

And I got there and looked down and I was like 24 minutes short, like the Hobbs meter rolls in like six minute intervals. So I was six times four is 24 minutes short. So I had to fly the fucking traffic pattern for like 24 minutes before I finally set the thing down. And I'll tell you my favorite part of the flight was when I pulled the mixture and the fucking engine shut off the scariest fucking thing. It was also awesome. You know what it is? It's in between in between airports is cool making the radio calls on that even though I fuck them up. It's it's the going when you get to an airport.

It's like, am I going to be able to see it? Am I going to get in the traffic pattern the right way? Do I know which way the runways all of that fucking shit, even though you know it, you're just sitting there going, oh my God, what if I fuck this up? What if I fuck this up? What if I fuck this up? And it's the biggest fucking relief when you join the traffic pattern, you get clearance and everything and you did it right. I did one came in low approach and then took off, which means I don't land. And I was like, okay, thank God, thank God, that's fucking over.

And then I had to go land at this other one. And I don't know, I came back and I was on the wrong fucking frequency and I'm calling the fucking airport and they're not, you know, they're not hearing what I'm saying. And I'm going and the information I need is in the compartment under the seat. So I'm literally going like, now what the fuck do I do? Do I got to fly back to the other airport, get into their airspace? That's what I got to do. Now I got to ask them what the fucking frequency is. But fortunately, the tower picked it up, saw me coming in and told me what frequency I needed to be on, which was such a fucking relief.

And dude, I got to tell you, I fucking I've gone skydiving. I did doing stand up showtime at the Apollo. I'm trying to think like other than, you know, maybe I don't know, walking into the ocean. I went snorkeling one time in the fucking Caribbean and that was, that was right up. There was nothing as scary as that. Just looking over at that fucking empty seat, just going like, if anything fucks up right now, this is on me. Fucking emotionally spent. Then I went home and I'm not going to lie to you, I had a belt of whiskey and I felt a little better.

But then a couple of nights later, I had my first night flight and did that with an instructor. It was the coolest fucking thing I ever did. I actually got to transition Bravo airspace over fucking LAX at night. It was the coolest thing I ever fucking did as far as flying. As I'm flying, you know, you transition, I think it was like at 1500 feet. It's literally like a commercial jet landing underneath you. It was fucking unreal. It was fucking unreal.

I felt like I was in diehard. And I'm not going to lie to you, man. Flew all the way up to Camarilla Airport, landed there and it's just a whole other fucking world. So I'm flying this little egg beater, right? Robinson R-22, look it up. Yeah, I know. It looks fucking small and it is small. It's basically the smart car of fucking helicopters.

But what I like about it is because it's so not complex, there's way less shit that can possibly fail on the fucking thing. But anyways, you land at these airports and then you just see this whole other world of just people you don't run into because they have their own airplanes. You know, like, I don't know what these people do for a fucking living, but my instructor's going like just pointing out the planes. That's 8 million. That's 15 million. That's a G6. Jerry Jones of the Cowboys has one. That's 52 fucking million, 52 million dollars.

What are the monthly payments on that? How do you even buy a jet? Is it like going in when you get a car and you go in there and some, you know, you're looking at the jet. You just walk up on the lot and then some scumbag comes walking around the other side. Hey, you like this one? That's a G6. He's got his hands in his pocket rubbing his fucking ball bag. What do we got to do today to get you in this jet tomorrow?

I'm sure you don't, right? I think when you buy big shit like that, don't you just call up? I'm filthy rich. I would like one of those flights. Then they just fucking, you know, stock it up with booze and whores and they give it to you with a big bow on it. Isn't that what you do? Pay for it with your blood diamond money? I don't know what the fuck happens, but yeah, I'm about a month out.

I got six more flights and I'm doing all the pre-tests right now to finally go and get my license and I can't fucking wait. I can't fucking wait. This is something that I never thought I'd be able to accomplish because I'm fucking stupid. I knew I'd be able to fly the goddamn thing, but it's the ground school and all the science and physics behind it. I thought I was going to fuck up, but I actually really enjoyed it. I was having flashbacks when I was in high school and I didn't know the answers and all that shit. I didn't get stuff, but fortunately I had really good instructors, so it's been going pretty good so far. That's all I can tell you.

Part of that night flight came out of the valley, went right up over Griffith Park, flew between the observatory and the fucking Hollywood sign. Then you just follow the roads, made a left down the fucking 101, went right down downtown LA and as I was coming flying down, started heading south. I'm seeing this thing, it looks like the top of a smokestack, like what the fuck is that? And it was the fireworks over Disneyland. He almost killed me. I was saying to my instructor going, that's Disneyland, Disneyland is right fucking there. Like when you drive to Disneyland from fucking Los Angeles, it seems like it's fucking 400 miles away. And I'm literally sitting in this helicopter looking back over my shoulder to roughly where I live and then looking over my other shoulder and I can see where Disneyland is and it's like, I could ride a bicycle there.

Anyways, I'm not born you with this shit. Let's get on to some of the reads here this week. Oh, by the way, here's something, this is not even an advertisement, this is a good thing that you can do. BeTheMatch.org. It's a national registry for donating bone marrow. They send you a kit, you swab, oh my God, I thought they were going to say you do it yourself, just fucking jam a needle in there. No, they send you a kit, you swab your cheek and mail it back. If you're a match, you can save someone's life.

They handle all expenses. Also saving someone's life is a great story to help you get laid. Thanks. Who the hell wrote that? Tons of emails calling you out on the traffic gap. 95% of them explain the importance of safety and efficiency. Two examples below. Okay, here we go.

The traffic gap. Oh yeah, I got a lot of these people who talk about how they drive a stick shift. First off, I have a stick shift. So rather than driving bumper to bumper and riding my clutch, I give myself some room so that once I see those red brake lights come on in front of me, I let off the gas and then accelerate again once the brake light goes off. I hardly ever have to come to a complete stop and shift. Yeah, it might sound selfish and lazy, but whatever. I'm sure it was some selfish texting jerk off that got in the accident up the road that caused all of the traffic to begin with. Oh yeah, there you go.

Justify how you don't understand how to drive a stick shift. You know, all you got to do, first of all, you're not riding your clutch. Riding your clutch is when you have it partially engaged and disengaged and you're hitting the gas. That is riding the clutch. All right. All you got to do is as you coast up, just put in a neutral and you can take your foot off. You could do that. You could give a fuck about the person behind you.

Riding the clutch. Anyways, I'm going to burn out my clutch, man. Doing what? Engaging it properly? Secondly, I guess you may be the other components of it, but the clutch itself, you're not going to burn out, right? Anyway, secondly, a lot of traffic is formed just because people are merging onto the highway and without providing some space, how the fuck will the flow start up again? Please tell me you're not one of those douches that doesn't let people merge because you think you have more important shit to get to. No, but I'm also not one of those douches that thinks that people changing lanes causes traffic.

Okay, what causes traffic is there's not too many fucking people and not enough lanes for the amount of people on the highway. I'm sure people cutting in and out doesn't help, okay? But I change lanes all the time when I drive down the road and if there's nobody on the road, it doesn't cause traffic. Yeah, that's just some bullshit. And no, I let people on the road. I've actually, now that I've started flying, I have actually become a way more fucking courteous, a driver. And when somebody cuts me off and actually does a crazy move so I don't flip out, I just go, ah, I've done that. It's a good move.

I can't get mad. I can't get mad at an aggressive move. It's that just, that fucking just laying back 20 fucking car lengths. It's just so fucking selfish. Just pull up. Everybody wants to get to where they're going. Just inch up as the traffic is inching up. Do everybody else a fucking solid.

You're not burning out your clutch. You know, you decide, you're the one who decided to get a fucking stick shift. Did you think you were never going to run into traffic? So now everybody behind you have to, dude, I got a fucking on my old truck. That thing's a motherfucker to shift. I don't even have power steering on that goddamn thing. I come home. I'm an old man.

I'm tired when I drive it, but I still pull up. You lazy fuck. Anyway, secondly, a lot of traffic is swarmed just because. Oh, no, I actually read that. Okay. Number two. Hey, Bill, I'm on the, on this last week's show, you worked yourself up into a normal, your normal frenzy, just thinking about dudes who leave space in front of them in traffic

and couldn't fathom any reason why you, someone could do this. The fact that you used the word fathom, I'm expecting, I'm accepting, expecting that you're going to be doing something. You're going to really talk down to me here. I'm one of those guys, though maybe not exactly what you were describing, that leaves space in front of my car in traffic. There, there is a simple reason why. Fluid dynamics.

A few years ago, I stumbled upon this website, trafficwaves.org, and it changed my whole way of thinking about traffic. I'm not a scientist, so I can't do as good a job, explain traffic as this guy, but essentially traffic jams can be thought of as traveling waves of condensation. And a single driver can disrupt these waves by anticipating jams and maintaining a constant rate of travel rather than engaging in stop and go traffic and go with the flow of stuff traffic. A single driver has the effect of disrupting the traffic wave for the vehicles behind that driver.

Yeah, I've done that. I've slowed how quickly I've come up, but I'm talking about leaving, leaving, like I know exactly what you're talking about. I actually experimented at one time. If I could drive, because you'll see traffic moving up and stopping, and then you see the ripple of movement coming towards you. And then as that ripple movement is coming towards you, you see where it stops, starts to move again, and then you experiment.

Can I keep everybody behind me to continue moving without having to step on the brake? I've done that, but you don't have to do that from fucking 50 fucking car links behind you, because when you do that, everybody starts cutting into your lane. Anyways, I'll continue with what he's saying. In other words, if I drive at a constant rate of speed approaching and through a traffic jam, so will other drivers behind me, and the jam itself will disappear. No, it doesn't. It doesn't disappear.

There's still a zillion cars in front of you, and you're going half a mile an hour. So rather than going 18 miles an hour and then stopping, and then going 18 miles an hour and stopping, you're just going to consistently go half a mile a fucking hour, and then mathematically you feel like you're going faster? Anyway, so besides saving me the mental stress of stop and go traffic, I drive a stick so it's especially annoying, and save the wear of my car. I'm also improving the driving conditions for my fellow commuters. Oh, Jesus, this guy's making himself into being a hero.

There's something to think about the next time you're screaming at the slow guy in front of you. I knew it. The second he said fathom, I knew there was going to be some sort of life lesson in there. You guys are fooling yourself. Okay, you're eliminating the stop and go part of the traffic, but you're not eliminating the traffic, and you're completely ignoring the fact that there's way too fucking many people on the road for the amount of fucking lanes. There's still traffic.

All right. With the little ripple theory there, I don't buy into it, other than the fact that you can keep it going at a ridiculously low rate of speed. I think it's common sense that somebody then cutting into your lane because they then take up that space that that will cause you to stop. But this fantasy that if everybody just stayed in their lanes and coasted along that you wouldn't be late now and that there would be no traffic, I guess there would be no stop in the truck.

They would still be fucking traffic. All right. There you go. Okay, devastated. Hi, Bill. I'm from the UK and I've recently discovered your brand of comedy. Wait, let's go back to the traffic thing. Okay.

So how about everybody who's listening to this stuff? All right. How about you try to keep it moving by doing that type of thing while you also agree that you're still in a traffic jam? Can we all do that? There's a little bit of both. Everybody happy? Devastated. Oh, and everybody who buys a stick shift know that you're going to be in traffic someday and that it's going to suck.

And don't make the person behind you have to fucking pay for your, you know, your fucking decision to get a standard rather than an automatic. All right. Devastated. Hi, Bill. I've discovered your brand of comedy, which is fantastic. Well, thank you. My brother who lives in Pittsburgh was over in the UK in December and I was showing him your stand up on Netflix and he's now spreading the joy. However, imagine to our horror when our 64 year old mom decides to tell us that she really fancies the ginger guy.

You were just watching what I was just watching your work. He actually wrote your address. You mean you were watching my dad is a ginger. So I suppose it's understandable, not understandable, understandable. Keep up the good work. Love to see you in the UK sometime and go fuck yourself. Wait a minute. I don't understand the whole what the fuck was that whole thing?

You enjoy me. Oh, fancies as in likes me thinks I'm a good looking guy. Well, that's hilarious. That's right, buddy. Deal with it. Deal with the image of your mother riding me. That's disgusting. I'm sorry.

Jesus Christ, dude. You know, if you worked on your pronouns and your spelling, I could have got that all in one take. All right. Extra point. Billy botched snap burr. My brother and I were kickers back in the back in our day. He played D one college football. I wasn't that good, but still better than most kickers in high school at the time.

Anyways, I wanted to defend the extra point just like you do. It isn't the most difficult thing to do, but it's super, but it is super important. I've missed an extra point when time was expired, which resulted in a one point loss for our team. Jesus Christ. Let me tell you that weighs on a person heavily as a kicker. You have all the eyes on you making a mistake that much more making mistake that much more noticeable. True story. While in college, my brother missed an important kick and received death threats for one kick.

Quarterbacks and running backs can often be bailed out by excuses such as the line didn't block well or whatever. The extra point looks so easy because football fans are having the opportunity to watch someone who takes time and puts effort into the craft of kicking. Watch a high school game or a college game where there's not a true kicker at the position and I'm sure 99.9% or whatever. Don't get made. I wouldn't say it's that high. I can make an extra point, but I still like the extra point. I am biased, I guess, but fucking kicking is hard and unappreciated in my eyes. Underappreciated in my eyes.

Thanks for the last and go fuck yourself. Yeah, absolutely. Listen, Verzi actually went for a no this weekend with his playoff picks. And if you don't believe him, listen to him gloat about it for an hour on his podcast. Dude, what did I say? I'm fucking amazing. But you know, I'm one of those guys. I like that nerdy shit.

I'm so fucking sick and not being able to yell this week. Jesus fucking Christ. Anyways, what am I doing here? Clan problems. Jesus Christ. How fucking creepy is it, by the way, that horrific thing that happened in in France and now watching all these fucking people coming out there and trying to blame the goddamn religion over it. Like we don't have Jesus freaks that blow up abortion clinics. Fucking it just fucking drives me nuts that adults can fucking think that way.

You know what I mean? Good fuck. I mean, you could basic you could attach any bad thing that happens. All you have to do is just find out what religion the person is and then everybody in that thing is fucking is fucking wrong. They're fucking everywhere. They're under your bed and then they try to get everybody into this giant panic. I don't fucking get it. It's like the whole fucking ISIS thing you're literally talking about.

They don't have a Navy. They don't have any fucking air support. They could come over here and they could do something horrific. Yes, but the level of what they could do versus what the fuck we can do. I'm just not going to get into this panic and I live, you know, I live in Los Angeles and I go to LAX all the fucking time. God knows what the fuck had happened. All right, but to sit there and listen to these fucking jerk offs on TV, try to get me into this fearful state that, you know, we have to, you know, just obliterate an entire fucking religion. And just watching adults just give into that.

It's just it's the most it's the dumbest fucking thing I've ever seen in my life. It's no different than like when that Ebola thing and everybody was freaking out because like 12 people had it. Oh my God. What's going to happen? What's going to happen is we're going to deal with it and everybody's going to be fucking fine. All right. The shit that they say on TV is going to get a lot of innocent people. You know, something fucking horrible is going to happen to them.

So that's your fucking response. You know, innocent people die so then more innocent people have to die. I don't know. Although fucking things depressing. And with that, let's talk about clan problems. I live in rural Alabama and I have a problem only someone in my savage ass backwards in bread area of the country could have. I'm a 25 year old female. And my dad, my dad is a member of the local organization of the KKK.

But by the way, it's it's the Ku Klux Klan, not the clue. Cool. All right. Like yin and yang. It's not yin and yang as I said forever. I also said the Ku Klux Klan. Anyways, he's he's a he's a member of the local organization of the Ku Klux Klan. I actually just for comedic reasons would love to go to a clan meeting just to listen to what they say.

And then I would just start talking and see how much shit I could make up just to hear him. I know, I know it. I was thinking that the other day. A full racist slur spewing white supremacist. That's what a dad is. A six year old daughter that I have. That I had after a one night stand. So the child is half Mexican, half white.

Gee, I wonder how that happened. He rebelled against your dad. Look at that. You attract what you fear. My dad, her grandfather treats her terribly, not. Not with like physical abuse or anything, but horrible, horrible name calling taunting. In quotes, go back to Mexico. You wet back.

He says that to a six year old to a fucking. She wrote to a fucking six year old girl. I like to go back to Mexico when the kid was born here. Even though she doesn't really understand what they are saying to her. It tears me up inside every time I take her to a gathering with them and subject her to this treatment. I really wish I could just disown him out. That was going to be my suggestion. Move to another part of America that is actually civilized and wouldn't care about this.

But I can't pull myself away from the fact that it is my father and we're supposed to love each other, especially with the family centered society we have here in the south. But I feel like I'm being very selfish subjecting my daughter to this horrible abuse because I'm too weak to leave. What do you think I should do? First of all, you should stop being so hard on yourself. You can't pick who your parents are and you're not being weak because that is your dad and you're going to love him. I think you're actually a well adjusted person. You understand what you're doing to your daughter and I think you know the decision you're going to have to make.

And I don't know. I guess to make yourself feel better, I would try to give this guy another chance before he goes off to his clan meeting. When he's got the sheet on but not the hood right as he's putting it on. Hey dad, can I talk to you for a second? He just lifts up the sheet. What's that? What do you want to talk about? And just give him a chance.

Just say listen, I'm going to leave if you don't stop. Ah, fuck that. He's not going to stop. You got to leave. You should just leave and then Skype with him. You know? Would that be the thing to do? You know what?

What a fucking horrible... I can't believe that there's still the clan. You know what I mean? This fucking... That's got to seem so surreal to be that. That's like being in the clan. It's like wearing a powdered wig, you know? It's like, you still doing that?

You know, they got hair plugs. Anyways, you know something? That actually depresses the shit out of me. Going through that, but I got to be honest with you. The South gets a bad rap as far as people thinking that that's the only place that there's morons that think horrible fucking things. Look at some of the shit that was said about Muslims.

The Muslim religion, anyways. After what happened in France by people who weren't in the South. These are people who actually were journalists. Went to college and all of that type of shit. So... I don't know. I don't fucking know, but I wouldn't do that to a kid if your parents were saying some stuff like that.

Ah, that's just really not funny, is it? Alright, let's fucking read some advertising here for this week. Where the fuck is it? The live reads. Now, why won't that pop up? I'm literally looking for the live reads, but no, it's just a... there it is. For some reason it was somebody drew the sun

and it was smiling at me. Alright, Stamps.com everybody. One great resolution you can make for the new year. Maximize every minute and every dollar for your small business. I know an easy way to do that with Stamps.com. Think about how much time you're wasting going to the post office, driving there, finding parking, talking to the homeless guy holding the door.

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you can do right at home from your own goddamn desk. And at a fraction of the cost of one of those expensive postage meters. I've been using Stamps.com for the last couple of years, sending out all my posters. Well, if I remember any time I'm going to sell something, I'll send it out via Stamps.com. Right now, use my last name, Burr, B-U-R-R, to get this special offer,

nobody's trial, plus a $110 bonus offer. Includes a digital scale and up to $55 free postage. Don't wait, go to Stamps.com before you do anything else. Click on the microphone at the top of the homepage and type in Burr. B-U-R-R, that's Stamps.com, enter Burr. Oh, dude, you know what else I heard when I was doing that flight? That solo flight is out. Oh, no, the day before, and I did it with the instructor,

we were flying by this airport where they have people, you know, they take people up to go skydiving. And immediately, of course, the night before, I'm actually thinking like, what if somebody's chute doesn't open and that guy lands in my fucking main rotor? Then what do I do? I plummet to my death, that's what I do. So anyways, we were coming up on that airport

and we hear this guy come on the radio and he's talking to the people down on the ground. He goes, all right. He goes, that's the second time. He goes, that Korean guy jumped out of the airplane at full power because he's going to rip my tail off. Some fucking maniac. I guess it was his second time he's gone up there skydiving.

You're supposed to wait till the plane slows down so you fall away from the plane rather than go directly back into... This fucking maniac jumped out at full power. And the combination of the anger and fear in this guy's voice, because he almost just fucking died, because this jerk-off jumped out, was hilarious to me. Anyways, anyways, what the fuck are you going to do? You know what's another scary thing too,

is when somebody announces their position and you're saying like, you know, I'm flying along the tent at 1500 feet westbound, based in traffic or whatever, and then you hear somebody else announce that they're in your same area, headed eastbound, and they're roughly the same altitude, and immediately what I do is I either climb

or go down a couple hundred fucking feet, and you're just like, fuck, where is he? There he is, there he is. Thank Christ. Anyways, I was speaking to watch another great comic past the other day. Taylor Negron, everybody. I only met him one time. I met him down at the Improv on Melrose,

and I told him how much I loved his area rug joke. You guys ever see the movie Punchline? And he was talking about going in to buy a carpet, and there was the immigrant guy in there, and I don't know what the fuck he was, but he was talking about how, when he said area rug, he said he just opened his mouth, and he didn't form any syllable.

I'm butchering the joke, and he goes, yeah, hey, you know, I want a, I need to buy a carpet, not a big thing, just sort of a small, you know, little sectional thing, little carpet kind of thing, and the guy goes, you don't want a carpet, you want an area rug. Area rug, whatever, you got to see him do it. His fucking tongue's literally doing the wave.

He play was in, it was the pizza guy, Fast Times at Ridgemont High. He was in, was it Fast Money, something like that. The fuck was it, the runny danger field one, whatever, just an absolutely brilliant guy, a true fucking artist. Unfortunately passed away at Cancer at 57, so shout out to him, Taylor Negron, go on YouTube, watch his videos, watch his movies,

tell people about him. Just an amazing, amazing artist, and Eddie Brill, by the way, on Facebook was really good friends with him and wrote a way more better tribute than I just tried to give him. So anyways, let's go back here, let's go back here to the fucking, dude, this podcast sounds like,

you remember that SNL sketch that Alec Baldwin did where they made fun of, what is it, NPR? They talked about sweaty balls, that's been my tone this entire fucking podcast. What next week when I can actually scream and yell here? Why the fuck do I get the sunny smiley face again? Why does it keep doing that? By the way guys, I really gotta work on my fucking temper.

I really do. I get into a fucking argument with my wife, right? And she fucking wrote me, I've never seen this before, it was like a text message that was as long as I remember a good dress about all the things that I was doing wrong. Okay, reams of information about what I was doing wrong,

and I gotta be honest with you, I couldn't argue with any of it. If anybody knows a way that I can stop flipping out over little things, and no, this isn't gonna hurt my fucking act because I'll still have the thought, and I'll be able to go off in a comedic way on stage. Everybody knows a good way to do it. I sat down and I thought about all the fucking

dumb things that made me flip out yesterday. When I sat down and I was watching, I was watching 60 minutes, and they were showing wounded veterans of the Iraqi war. This one guy like lost both his legs below the knee, lost a thumb, chunk of his fucking left arm, and his left eye. He's being positive, and he's fucking going up this hill

like Jerry Rice would run up. I'm sitting here flipping out because people leave too much space in traffic. I swear to God, man. I don't know how to beat it. I have the shortest... Remember those fucking... What color were the firecrackers?

Was it the black ones that had the really short wick that you literally had to be throwing them like that is my temper. Like I have such a bad fucking temper at this point like now when I drive in the car, I let my wife drive. Like some guy who's got his fucking balls in her purse. I just do it to keep the peace. Because if I'm riding in the car,

I don't flip out as much as when I'm driving. And I just... You realize how ridiculous it is that I'm an angry man and a Prius? How dumb is that? And the sound of my horn as I'm screaming and yelling at people? How fucking ridiculous I look? And the fact that I know I look that ridiculous

and I still can't stop doing it? Like it is a real... It's a real fucking problem. I can't tell if I learned it from the people around me or if you're just born an angry fucking maniac. But it's a battle I've been fighting for the last 15 years of my adult life and I have... I don't think I've moved an inch forward.

Other than just being able to admit I have a fucking major goddamn problem with my temper. Like do you realize how fucking mad I got yesterday with that Des Bryant catch? I mean I talked about it for the first 20 minutes of the podcast. Who gives a fuck, Bill? It's not your team. You don't have any money on the game.

Why do I give a fuck? It didn't anger me when the guy comes on the TV to explain it and immediately look and go and this guy sucked in gym class. You fucking suck. Fuck and I'm yelling at the TV. Fuck you. You can't even catch a football.

You fucking pussy. Maniac. I'm in a fucking hotel room and I know the people on the other side of the wall can hear me. How long am I going to continue to fucking embarrass myself? Like you know what? My wife can't even watch fucking TV with me because I won't shut the fuck up and something

bugs me every three seconds and I start yelling at the TV like it's a person in the room. I swear to God. I swear to God. I should have bought a house with a room over the garage and I should be like sent there. You know? Like an inmate and every once in a while you let me out

and you walk me around the front yard until I start getting heated about some dumb bullshit, you know? That somebody came by with a doggie poop bag and put it in my recycled trash can. Doesn't fucking go in the blue one. Goes in the black one. Just a moron. It's embarrassing.

Anyways, Bill, can I bounce back from bad first time at sex? Absolutely. You're not supposed to be good the first time. You're supposed to be so freaked out that you're doing it that the game's over before it even starts, right? Hello, Mr. Burr. I'm a huge fan from Poland. Not a virgin, by the way.

Here's the story. Been hanging out with this girl for about a year as friends. Well, right now, dude, the fact that if you actually bang this person after being friends for a fucking year, you know? How did you even maintain an erection with all those memories of walking around a farmer's market? Anyways, finally I ended up falling for her but she put me in the friend zone.

I was having that so I sort of pumped the brakes on the whole thing and stopped hanging out with her. Textbook. Textbook. Nice move. Just some messages from time to time. A few weeks ago she calls me up randomly to chill at my place after not seeing each other for a couple of months. I was kind of buzzed so I thought, what the hell?

Why not? So she comes over, we have some alcohol, maybe some illegal substances and everything was cool. Suddenly she just goes, fuck me. Jesus Christ. I get over to Poland. So I lifted up her skirt, ripped off her panties. Jesus, buddy, this guy's going blow by blow

and started plowing her. Unfortunately, I got the whiskey dick soon after. Fuck my life, it was pathetic. I ended up, Jesus, okay, he performed oral sex. I gotta tone this down here. Performed oral sex on her. She got where she needed to be. But this was not the railing

I was probably hoping for. I wanted to kill myself and still do. We still talk, but I'm not sure if I'll ever get a chance to get into her pants again. Please comfort me, Mr. Burr, and tell me that it's going to be okay. Also excuse my English. It's not my first language.

Well, you spoke Meathead English perfectly. Listen, who's kidding? The way you talk about this woman, getting her panties, plower, railer, and all that. You don't love this woman. You just want someone you can fuck, so whatever. It didn't work out. Move on to somebody else.

I think you're going to be fine. You did make up for your mistake with the very courteous move afterwards. I don't think she'd be that upset. Listen, she's probably sitting at home going, did I say fuck me to that guy? Did I really just say that? Oh, God, and then his dick went down.

Was he not turned on by me? She's probably doing all of that shit. I don't know, the more I talk about this, I think you guys both deserve each other. Maybe you get back in there. Whiskey dick. You get whiskey dick. You got to get yourself in the same mindset

of a relief pitcher that just gave up with the fucking, the deep ball. But you're still up a run. You just got to forget about that. Just like Roger Clemens did. He would just immediately just start asking for another ball. Does that make any fucking sense? Actually, when I was thinking about that,

and I use Roger Clemens as an example, all of a sudden I had a different vibe to it. Anyways, sorry about that. Jesus Christ, this fucking podcast was an absolute shit show. Well, this ends the whispering podcast from a hotel room somewhere in New Orleans for the week of, what the fuck week is it here? Oh, Monday, January 12th.

I want to make sure I got that right, because last week, like an asshole, I said June 5th. I'm moron. Anyways, that's the podcast for this week. I promise you, I will make up for all the yelling I didn't do this week on next week's podcast. Thank you for listening. Anything I got to plug?

Nothing. I got nothing to plug other than I'm going to be going to Australia, New Zealand, Singapore, Hong Kong, and Mumbai. That's definitely going down. And also the southern bus tour in May is definitely happening. I'm talking to my agent today. He's going to give me all the dates.

I've already heard some of the areas that I'm going to be going to. Shreveport, Louisiana, I think is in there. Savannah, Georgia. I think I'm going to be going back to Charleston, South Carolina. It's going to be... It's going to be insane. And as far as I know,

I think we're starting Kentucky and we ended New Orleans. And we're going to all these off the beaten path kind of things. Not the major cities that I've already played, Nashville, Atlanta. I've already done those ones. So it's going to be fucking awesome. And also the weakest shows at the Wilbur Theatre in Boston. I'm doing an entire week Monday through Sunday of shows at the Wilbur Theatre.

They've been selling great. And I think we're going to start adding some shows. And I think that that's something that I'm going to do every other year. I think I'll just do a week of shows in my hometown. Eat all that fucking Chinese food and all the shit that I miss. Kelly's roast beef, fucking slices of pizza and all that type of... All that fucking food that I used to eat when I was 22. That I shouldn't be eating now.

But whatever. All right, predictions next week. Patriots eke out a victory against the Colts. And then I think Seattle will have a tough game against the Packers. I think they're both going to be great games. Seattle wins. And then for some dumb reason, when we go to the Super Bowl, the Patriots might actually be even or favored.

And that's only because of morons in Vegas who just can't lay off of Brady and Belichick. So that's really Vegas just trying to get money on both sides of the ball. It really has nothing to do with the fact. And then I think that we will be... I wouldn't say manhandled by Seattle, but we will be handled. Because I just think... It kills me to say that as a Patriots fan. But I'm being fucking brutally honest about football this week.

The tough rule is fucking stupid. And I think Seattle's going to win the goddamn Super Bowl. I hope that we win it. If anybody could figure out how to beat those guys, it will be Belichick's game plan. It's just... I don't know. I just don't know with their defense and the fact that we can't get any fucking pressure on a quarterback.

You're going to beat Seattle doing that. And the fact that Wilson can run like a motherfucker too. That's going to be a nightmare. So anyways, that's my goddamn prediction. You'll fight and you will write, but they were just too strong. They stick it in your face and let you smell what they consider wrong. That's why I say amen. My shot.

My shot, man. What's up everybody and welcome back to the Anything Better podcast NFL edition for Bet MGM guys. We're finished. It's a sad thing. It's a sad thing to know that... I am finished. I went 0-5. What's that?

I went 0-5. But before we talk about the debacle that was my gambling this year, Paul Verzi, for the second year in a row, beats the book against the spread, picking four games a week, not only beat him this year, dare I say, put him across his knee, slapping that ass. What do you mean? If you were 41, what was it? 40, 31 and 1? Andrew?

Yeah, Paul. 40, 31 and 1. Nine and a half games above 500 against the spread. Who does that, Paul? And there was a lot of people, a lot of people saying Paul lost his fucking... He lost his... He doesn't have it. The sophomore slump is what they were calling in October.

Oh yeah. When I was eight games under, they were all going, not this year, buddy. Not this year. You had a 17 game turnaround. Yeah, dude. Well, you know what? So did I in the wrong direction. Yeah, man.

Well, listen, we had a great time doing it. We love picking the games and we do it with the best lines out there. Guys, it's BetMGM. We love working with BetMGM. Oh, you beat him so bad, we were almost combined at 500. I want to shout out BetMGM because BetMGM tweeted. BetMGM tweeted today back to back to me. The BetMGM people are taking fucking notice.

What are they going to do? That's like when Sherman had to go up and shake fucking Tom Brady's hand. BetMGM was all in your grill. You mad, bro? You mad? Hey, BetMGM, don't try... I am my hands behind my back next year. Don't throw some rules in, all right?

Hey, listen, you know, we like working with you. Even with the Will Chamberlain rules, you still beat him. That's amazing. Now, it was a lot of fun, guys. And you guys can bet all playoff long, all year long with the best live lines out there, BetMGM. All you have to do, you know it, if you listen to the show, is you download the BetMGM app, okay? And you use our bonus code, which is BR, B-U-R-R. Very simple, very easy.

And all you got to do is put a minimum of $10 in and they will match up to $1,000 even if you lose, guys. So there you go. You put $1,000 in, put something on it, let it fly, they'll match it, all right? And you can put as little as $10 in. So just use bonus code, B-U-R-R, BR, and you can benefit from that promotion. So there you go, man. BetMGM is the best and we got a lot of games this weekend. Oh, we got two tomorrow, Paul.

Listen, I love, I love this, I love these playoffs because there's a couple of, there's a couple of gun to my head. Forget gun to my head, gun to my mouth. I like some of these. All right, on Saturdays, the Seattle Seahawks with Sneaky Pete. Oof. And Marlon Briscoe against the San Francisco 49ers. In San Francisco, minus nine and a half. It's the early game.

It's January. It's the playoffs. What do you, what do you like, Paul? Paul, I have to defer to you. All roads lead to Paul Verzi. Nine and a half is a lot of points to give, to give a team in the playoffs. You know, I don't know, man. Didn't they just play each other too?

This is not a game, this is not a game that if we were in our regular season, I would pick. I wouldn't pick this game. I like San Francisco's defensive line. Let's be honest, dude, they are playing with the third string quarterback. I know he's won five in a row and I know he looks great and he's got a lot of blocking. I get that. But nine and a half points in a playoff game and a division rival and the experience of Pete Carroll. I'm not touching it.

I don't like the points. I think the 49ers win the game, but I would take, if I had to, if I had to let money fly, I might take the Seahawks. All right. I take the 49ers. You take the 49ers to cover. They're just kicking the shit out of everybody and I don't know anything about football anymore because I can't, I don't even have time to watch it. So, I mean, this is what's great, Paul. People, they've seen our records.

Okay. I don't want to hear anybody bitching that they took that what the fuck I picked after the debacle that I've had over the last six weeks. All right. You know what you're getting with me. You know what you're getting with Paul. All right. Next game on Saturday. It's a doubleheader people.

Los Angeles charges are going to Jacksonville, Paul, named after Andrew Jackson, the greatest cocktail party. What do they call it in the world? Jacksonville versus, sorry, Georgia versus Florida. The Jacksonville Jaguars with the good looking zombie. Trevor, what's his name there? Is that what they call it? That's what I call him. He's like a fucking zombie.

He's a good looking zombie. The only guy I've ever seen when he's talking and still looks like a picture. What's the line in that game? Minus two and a half the charges are. I love the Paul. That's your team. We all know Paul. You know, come on.

Justin Herbert's your guy. I love Herbert. I love them. I love the charges to win that game. They should win the game. They have more weapons, more experience. Yes, they should, but they are the San Diego Chargers and it's the playoffs. And I don't know.

I don't know if they built their stadium on an old fucking Indian burial ground. Some poltergeist shit. You like to jazz this game scares me, dude. I think I like the Jags. I'm going to take the Jags. All right. I'm going to take the charges in this one. This is the opposite world here, Paul.

And I'm a Sunday Paul. The day of the Lord. Yes. And you go down and you get your next, the next, the next mafia Don and you're in your family to get baptized on Sunday. After that, you got four games, Paul. Tell me this. You got four games, Paul.

I mean, tell me there's not going to be arguments with the wife on this day, right? Unless you married one of those whores that ties off to Jersey and goes to the game. You know, if you married a regular woman, she's going to get fucking upset. All right. Miami Dolphins is the first game out of the shoot, Paul, on the East coast where Paul loves to dip his toes in the sand. Miami Dolphins versus the Buffalo Bills, the Bills laying 13 and a half down a corner back, down a corner back, but doing, doing the hot chick heart and doing the two and

all of that, they got that going on like a, like a, like a talk show feel like a daytime talk show somewhere between the view and Ellen DeGeneres. That's their vibe right now. Yeah. Wow. The fucking wing eating animals, sacrifice their hips and their shoulders on those card tables that were meant for bridge. Who do you like here, Paul?

The Dolphins don't have a quarterback. Yeah. I got it. I think Buffalo just runs all over them, dude. I mean, not to mention Miami lost their last four, they, they beat the Jets in the last game nine to six. I was like, you don't think that has a game plan for, for my Buffalo Bills. I'm coaching the Bills.

That Crow has the Dolphins. I don't, I don't. I think that the Buffalo Bills are going to fucking run wild all over them. I know that that sounded like a wrestling promo. What are you going to do? I'm like Carl Kogan and I loved it because I agree with you. They're going to kill him. I like Josh Allen's on that steamroller and they're all fucking jumping on top of it like

one of those fucking taxis in Southeast Asia. All right. The next game. The G-Men, the New York football giants versus the Minnesota Vikings in Minnesota. One of my favorite cities. I haven't tell you much. I love Minnesota. Oh, who's Paul going to go with?

The Vikings, Paul Layon, Layon three, three to the G-Men. What are we doing here, Paul? What are we doing here? I got to take, I got to go with my giants getting three points. Say, Kwan Barkley's first playoff game as a giant. I know he's going to be hyped up. Daniel Jones had a great season. We haven't been making too many mistakes and, but here's the real reason why I like the

giants. We were there two weeks ago and we went to overtime with them. We went to overtime with them and we, we lost by, by a long field goal and overtime. The guy hit a 60 something yarder. I think we go in there and beat him. All right. You know what? I love that the Vikings won the last time that even increases my odds and even though

you guys don't have Eli Manning, you still got that thing. You are the New York football giants. I've taken you guys and they are the Vikings. Okay. And until they fucking never do something in the playoffs, I'm rooting for the, I'm not, I'm betting on the giants. All right. Next up.

Oh, there's another one with Cincinnati Bengals. I bet this game last week, first before Ravens, the Cincinnati Bengals, Paul laying nine. I love when you do that. It's my favorite. They're laying nine, Paul, the Cincinnati Bengals are laying nine points in Cincinnati. You take three, you get two, no Lamar Jackson was in no Lamar Jackson last week. Yes. Fucking idiot.

No wonder I went 0 and 5. I didn't know that. All right. I'm, I'm taking Joe Burrow. You got to take Joey B, Joey Burrow and that the guy's smoked sticks. I smoke. Cool. He's got sweat and shit.

He's going to go out there. He's going to beat the fuck out of him again. All right. And then for the, the Monday night game, Monday. Okay. So there's not four games on Sunday. My fault. Only three saving your marriage here.

Paul. Oh, this is an interesting one. The Dallas Cowboys versus the Tampa Bay Buccaneers going into Tommy's house north, a clear water where Scientology was invented. The Dallas Cowboys, the heroes of the NFL, the ones who wear the white hat. What are they doing? Paul, they're laying two and a half against the stripping capital of the world. Tampa Bay, Florida, also known as Tampa, Tampa, Florida, I'm going to defer to you.

I'm going to defer to you on this one at the beginning. I want to see what your, your take is on this in what fucking world do you give Tom Brady points at home in the playoffs? The Dallas Cowboys, they live off their fucking history. They haven't done shit since Jimmy Johnson walked out that door, although what's his face? One with Jimmy's team off the Herschel Walker trade. All right.

The guy from Oklahoma, whose name escapes me right now, Switzer, Barry Switzer, their fucking problem. Tony Romo. You hear Tony Romo fucking announce the game. The guy knows what's going to happen before it even fucking happens. Maybe you should. He shouldn't have had 10 quarterback coaches in fucking nine seasons. Yep.

It's not a well run franchise. Oh, it's got a big stupid TV that's already out of date. Their entire fucking stadium now looks like an old Best Buy to me, you know, like a giant radio shack that's about to go out of business. They're going into Tampa. Tampa's got horse. They got a boat out in the end zone for him to party on and they got Tom terrific coming out there showing them why he's the greatest that ever did it, Paul.

I take Tom Brady getting the given him. You don't give Tom Brady points in January. You just don't do it, Paul, dude. This is so tough because the Cowboys have a really good team, but, um, you know, yeah, I just think until until you dethrone him as the good, no, it's Tom Brady, dude. It's Tom Brady is going to throw to Mike Evans. The defense is going to be ready to go. He had a tough year.

I think they're going to, I think they're going to beat him. I got, I got the, uh, I got the bucks. So I have, so I have, I have the bucks, the Giants, Andrew, you could write this down. I have the bucks, the Giants. I have the chargers and I have the bills and you have the 49ers. And I have the, no, you have the Seahawks. I have the Seahawks with the points, with the points. All right.

I got the 49ers. I got the Jags. I got the bills. I got the G men. I got the Bengals and I got Tommy terrific, Tommy 12, who's not going to retire until he wins 12 fucking Super Bowls and he's more than halfway there. I got Tom terrific. Now let me ask you a question real quick out of all of those games, all of those games,

which one would you say is your, you definitely think like your bills? Okay. Buffalo bills, steamroll. I think maybe Bengals, Paul, I don't know anything about, I think the chargers, I think the chargers, dude, I think the chargers are going to go in there and dude, if I'm wrong about this, that when the zombie takes the field, Paul, he likes his own feelings, dude, that's one of the greatest nicknames. The good looking zombie is like, that's so incredible.

That's incredible. The gorgeous zombie, the gorgeous zombie is that's a wrestling name, dude. It's like parts unknown to the gorgeous zombie is like insane, dude, and he does look like that. He looks like an undead. I'm going to tell you this right now. I am sick of Patrick Mahomes and those stupid forward laterals that aren't forward laterals anymore.

Take a fucking sack like a goddamn man or throw it away if he does another one of those and then they just like, oh my God, you just see what he's got. Yeah. If I see another three yard no look pass to a wide open receiver and they act like Magic Johnson didn't no look pass through fucking trees, Paul. All right. I want to see. Yeah.

I know it annoys me and I don't think they're going to win. I don't think they're going to win the AFC. I also don't like that Patrick Holmes runs the way figure skaters skate when they try to see something about him. I've never seen a guy who plays in the National Football League walk with his knees hitting each other every time you every time he walks. Yeah. He runs like Bambi.

I don't know what it's weird. Yes, it is. All right. They want us to do. Here's what we're going to do for bed. MGM everybody. We're going to do a one game parlay with my New York football giants and the Vikings. So Bill, we get to choose.

We get to make a little parlay here. A one game. How the fuck do you do a one game parlay? I got a better bunch of shit. This is the Monday night special. Basically we take the Giants with the points because we both like the Giants. So that's minus what the Giants are laying two and eight. Oh no, the Giants are getting three Vikings are laying three points.

Okay. So we love the Giants getting three. So that's one. What's number two? What do you want? Barkley gets a touchdown. I love it. I love that because he's getting and I also think Saquon Barkley north of 80 yards.

Oh, can we do that, Andrew? I like that because Saquon's going to go off in his first playoff game. Can we do that? Okay. All right. I don't like how easy you agreed with all of that, Paul. I went 0-5 and picked TCU getting 13 points. Here's why.

Leave this thing to me, four. Because you're talking about one of, in my opinion, one of the most talented running backs I've seen since LaDanian Tomlinson, dare I say, and he's in his first playoff game. That might have been the most exciting moment at that TCU game when he came out and talked before the game started. Yeah. He has a cowboy hat on and he's next to his son.

That was the fuck it. That was the highlight of TCU tonight. That was brutal, man. So if TCU was in the Premier League, they lost so bad they wouldn't be in the league. They get kicked out of the league. What were you going to say, Andrew? The prop line for Saquon rushing is a 72 and a half. So so that's over 70.

I'll take that. We go over 72 and and we'll do Saquon to get a touchdown and the Giants getting getting three. I love it. All right. I got to go, Paul. I got something here. I'm already 10 minutes late for.

All right, man. Well, this has been this has been it, everybody. This has been the first week of playoffs will be here next week. We'll take you right through to Super Bowl. You think we care? Well, if you beat the book again next year, you got to come on with the wizard turban with that fake jewel on it. If I do it three times in a row, bet MGM needs to do something.

Bet MGM needs to give me something. I want to call them the wizard. All right, everybody, they would just said back to back to you, meaning you beat me twice. They're not going to put it out there that you beat their asses twice. No, no, no. I said I said I beat the book twice. I was talking to Jerry.

All right. I mean, look at that. Look at that. I'm being negative. Yeah. And MGM. All right. That's it.

I got to go. I'm late. We're out of here. All right, everybody. There you go. Download the app and use use bonus code BIRC B U R R. That's it. We're out of here.

Hope you enjoy this week's playoffs and I was happy to do it again. Take care and remember, guys, to bet you got to be 21 years of age or older to wager in Arizona, Colorado, D.C., Iowa, Indiana, Kansas, Michigan, Mississippi, New Jersey, New York, Nevada, Pennsylvania, Tennessee, Virginia, West Virginia or Wyoming only new customer offer paid in free bets. Visit betmgm.com for terms and conditions, excludes Michigan disassociated persons. Please gamble responsibly gambling problem, call 1-800-NEXT-STEP for Arizona, call 1-800-522-4700 for Colorado, D.C., Nevada, Wyoming, West Virginia, 1-800-270-7117 for confidential

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