Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 1-14-21

Episode Date: January 15, 2021

Bill rambles about coming together, sports titles, and flying over LA.

Hey what's going on it's Bill Byrne it's time for the Thursday afternoon just before Friday Monday morning podcast and I'm just checking in on you just checking to see how your week's going man no matter where you are no matter who where you are I'm just checking in on you seeing how it's going I want to thank everybody who watched I did Jimmy Fallon tonight show the other day they did a little advice thing which you probably recognized the writers were smart enough to be like hey you know you do this on your podcast why don't we lob it over the fucking net right for you so I had a great time I've known Jimmy Jesus Christ

25 years I've known him so long I remember he asked me one time at the improv what it was like to be on TV he quickly got the answer because like six months after that I think he booked SNL and and yeah he's done pretty well for himself after that so it's very psyched we had a lot of fun just getting caught up before we even did it because there was no crowd there so we could really just sort of shoot the shit and then be like oh you want to do this let's do this so I had a great time so thank you to him and everybody at the tonight show and the roots for with the cool intro music and everybody who watched there

you go all right enough of me being a nice guy let's get into it how about Donald Trump huh preaching love and happiness come together right now so they don't impeach me fucking hilarious the guy finally said what all he needed to say to stay in office you know if he just fucking said like you know this is the time we all need to come together okay that's what I we've needed for a long time for a president to fucking say that that we all need to get on the same page here everybody's cool let's not fucking be you know bringing guns to protests I guess there's gonna be an armed protest you know I don't you know

I don't even understand what the purpose of that is okay you have guns all right and I should be afraid why you're gonna show up and you're gonna protest you're bringing your guns now why do you need guns are you afraid of the police do you feel that they're going to attack you and are you going down there to shoot cops I mean you're just going down there to protest the election why are you going down there with your guns you know in a perfect world everyone would just sort of ignore it they'd let them go down and exercise their right to walk around with their guns and fucking protest and just you know the deal so

you know what's gonna happen is some stupid you know Larry liberals gonna go down there he's gonna run his fucking yap and he's gonna get shot in the calf for some dumb shit like that I mean that's what everybody on Fox News in CNN are really fucking hoping because they don't give a shit about this country all they want is for us to be fighting so they have something to talk about because they have 24 hours they need to fucking fill up that's what I realized I saw on one of those fucking channels was probably CNN I never watched either one of them but my you know my mother-in-law comes over when she likes

watching CNN right so I can only watch it for like three seconds or I have a heart attack or I get just fucking angry and I walk out of the room because that's what those people do right that's what they do it's it's like that friend you had who was cool 20 years ago and they've slowly gone fucking crazy as their life has unraveled and it happens so incrementally you didn't notice and then one day you just like I got to get this person out of my life that's what 24-hour news network select so they showed you know the Capitol building under siege and they showed up like they had an actual picture of the Trump

supporters outside of it and then they added in the background sort of this look of flames and for half a second I was just like oh my god they even let the place on fire like they didn't light it on fire they fucking they broke some windows they showed up dressed like those whether they call them furbies what those people who like to fuck with would dress like a mascot a couple of furby showed up right they're always doing shit like that making OJ darker fucking putting flames where there was no fire and nobody calls them on it nobody gives a shit maybe they do I don't know I don't know where they are but anyways so

dumb dumb is finally saying we need to come together which is all he fucking needed to say at the beginning this pandemic he would have come off as a leader we need to listen to the doctors we all need to come together we got to get on the same page I know we all don't see eye-to-eye but hey man at the end of the day we're all Americans this is the greatest country out there give me a little fucking little sauce on it this is the way up the best trees of any country you know fucking let's get it going let's fucking get it going you know but he's just doing it now to save his own ass but even then it was nice

to hear him say it even his kids are saying it oh man he that Trump fucked up so bad he fucked up so bad because not only did he fuck over the people across the aisle which is just you know standard right he fucked over people on his side of the aisle he fucked over his own anybody who fucked with him he went at them with a fucking vengeance and now you watch you watch yeah you know coming from a cunt you can't be that you can't be a cunt to everybody you're cunt to everybody you got nowhere to dock your boat and unfortunately that's where that fucking orange-headed son of a bitches is at right now he is

in a bad way and I learned because I was like most people going like all right what are you gonna impeach this guy for he's got like a fucking week left here and every is like well if he gets impeached then he can't fucking run again but he would have to be like impeached impeached because everybody was like this is the second time Trump has been impeached now as far as my understanding this is the second time he has been brought up on a vote to see if he's gonna get impeached because the end impeached to actually impeach you're removed from office and for that to happen why it's so difficult is just I

think just to get to the vote to see if you're gonna be impeached you need only half the house so if the other side owns the house or whatever the majority you can get to that but then to actually remove a guy from office I believe you need three quarters of the vote okay so that would mean let's say if it was perfect whether it was 50% Republican 50% Democrat you'd need half of the Republicans to roll the dice risking the people in their own state getting upset I don't know if they if they make that vote public about who voted to kick the guy out or not if it's not public then it could possibly happen I don't

know but he really pissed off a lot of people and yeah he's one of those guys that starts a bar fight and then you know when his friends come to get in the middle he starts swinging on his friends to fucking to pay flying all over the place yeah he went a little he went a little crazy there so we'll see what happens we will see what happens before roll forgetful Freddie and his plastic face gets in there we'll see what happens so anyways a congratulation and Nick Saban I didn't realize that was his seventh championship he got one with the LSU Tigers went back then he came up and

coached for the Dolphins and he was just like wow I knew Florida was bad but I didn't know it was this bad so he got the fuck out of the NFL and then he went to Alabama and the guy has won six college championships he's won one at least one if not two let's see he won two in the two thousands if this was his seventh then he won four he won four in the teens Jesus Christ I mean that is just unbelievable and I got to I was rooting for Ohio State because Alabama was so good I was like all right what am I gonna do you know I'm not I mean I like both these teams but I'm an LSU University in Michigan guy right so I

inherently root against both of these teams so what do I do now I'll just root for the Buckeyes which kind of felt good to root for him because I used to root for him before I met their fans but I I really I enjoyed rooting for them and it was all right there for a minute but they just kind of needed to go touch down for touchdown and I thought their offense in reality was the offense wasn't the problem they were running pretty good and they were throwing pretty good against them and they scored enough points to win a fucking championship game it's just their defense had no fucking answers whatsoever and when they

got it to within 14 points when it was like 38-24 and then Alabama just went right down scored and then stopped the Buckeyes and then scored another touchdown it was just like Jesus Christ I mean that's one of the greatest teams of all time is what people are saying I don't know enough about football but I'll tell you they they were you know I saw what Ohio State did to everybody I saw what they did to Clemson and oh my god I mean Alabama was I mean that's you can't dispute that one that was obviously the best team in the country so let's take a look here let's see how many fucking titles Alabama has Alabama football

Wikipedia this is what I like about Wikipedia is they do have all their titles and I think Bear Bryant had five right is that what he had or did he have six all right they claim 25 26 30 30 okay claimed 18 unclaimed for oh I think that's back when you didn't have a playoff so they they were agreed upon that they were that they have won 18 fucking Jesus Christ that is incredible all right let's look up Bear Bryant see how many titles this guy has Bear Bryant all right Bear Bryant came to Alabama 1958 champion he won six national championships 1961 1964 1965 1973 1978 1979 he won three in the 60s he won three in the 70s so

Nick Saban was tied with him as far as championships won at Alabama and he had one more overall because he had the one with LSU I think that was in 2002 so let's look up Nick Saban it was kind of cool to see him smiling all right championship seven he won in 2003 with LSU then he won one in 2009 with Alabama that was his first then he won 2011 2012 2015 2017 2020 so since 2009 in 12 seasons they've won half the titles I mean how do you fuck with that you know what I got I gotta take my head off and you know bow my freckled bald head to Alabama god damn it let me titles my LSU Tigers got huh let's see let's see what LSU has L I

wonder who has the second most is it USC LSU here we go let me sleep we'll do it this way most NCAA football national championships let's get a list going here sports people love lists okay let's see what we got here number 10 Minnesota has six titles 34 35 36 won three years in a row won in 1940 41 in 1960 heaven won shit since Oklahoma Summers Summers Sooners won in 50 55 56 74 75 when they had like Billy Sims I think 85 when they had they had what's his face the linebacker there 2000 oh it's been a minute for them Ohio State has 8 42 54 57 61 68 70 and they didn't win for 40 32 years 2002 2014 Harvard you know Jesus

Harvard 1875 1890 1898 1899 1910 1912 1913 1919 so if I go to a Harvard game do I chant 1990 they were crushing it they had all the Smotties and all the football teams all right USC has nine 31 32 62 67 OJ 72 74 78 Charles White 2003 2004 with Kardashian's boyfriend there and the other dude who Matt Liner who hooked up with that chick who also hooked up with the guy from the Clippers Michigan has nine wait a minute Michigan has more titles in Ohio State oh wow so for all this shit Ohio State's been talking they still haven't won it all this beating Michigan during this this century it hasn't really turned into any titles

all right Michigan 1901 1902 1903 1904 four in a row Jesus Christ back when they had like fucking your football team was like two barbershop quartets put together it's actually not true people used to die playing football back then 1918 1923 1933 1948 1997 I didn't know that I thought that they won one in the 70s with like Anthony Carter I knew they won I thought they won one or two in the 90s wow you know for all this shit talking that they they have an incredible video before their football game we bow to no one it's the guy does the Darth Vader's voice the dude from what the fuck is that my one of my

favorite movies of all time Stanley Kubrick movie the fuck's the name of that movie Dr. Strangelove all right Notre Dame 13 1919 1924 29 30 43 46 47 49 64 66 73 77 88 they haven't won in 32 years wow that was pretty consistent from the teens right on through to the 80s it's only the 1950s they got a goose egg Princeton everybody I'm not reading this holy shit Princeton 1869 1870 72 73 78 79 80 85 89 93 96 now we're into the 20th century 0306 11 and 22 Alabama this says 16 this is an old one huh no this says 16 they say Yale's won 18 all right enough with these fucking Ivy League

schools all right 25 26 30 61 64 this is Alabama 65 78 79 92 09 2011 2012 2015 2017 2020 unbelievable all right I'm sure everybody else is fast-forwarding through this who doesn't give a fuck about college football but I do all right let's talk NHL let's talk NHL last night the NHL schedule started the regular season started flyers beating the pens pulling away in the third period went in six to three my Bruins have the devils tonight David Posternock is out he had a surgery on his hip I believe and he's supposed to be back mid-February he has begun skating Brad Marshawn had a sports hernia and I think he's gonna play

tonight though he's been skating it looks like he's all right but the schedule looks great though as far as like where the hell is it where the hell is my NHL schedule whatever it's like we play the devils back to back then we play the Islanders and it's like the Rangers back to back then the Sabres back to everything's like home-in-home series so that's gonna there's gonna be a lot of bad blood I think and it's gonna be a lot of fun hockey to play to watch I should say kind of sucks that Chara is not there anymore but is still playing he moved on to the Capitals man what a end of an era there you know I never

try to fall in love with free agents because it's like falling in love with a stripper you know what I mean but he was there long enough that I thought he was gonna retire as a Bruin but you know when a guy just keeps playing and playing and playing it doesn't want to retire you get I think you end up in the Brett Favre situation where it's like dude we want you to retire as a packer we want you retire as a Bruin but you want to keep playing and we got to get younger and I think that that just what happened so it didn't seem like it was a bad thing I know Chara tweeted out that it wasn't his decision to leave so kind

of sucks but you know we all know he's going in the hall we all know he's going in as a Bruin so we shall see all right and with that maybe I got a couple of reads here to do a couple of reads anyway oh dude I had a I had a big time parent moment that my wife absolutely crushed so I am just putty in my daughter's hands so you know she's been doing this thing lately where you know whatever you know just being a kid like if she doesn't get away she sort of like goes like you know drops down on the floor and then she'll just start crying and whining and everything like that and then you know to give her a little

time out that she comes over and says she's sorry so we thought we were teaching her not to do that and all she learned was I can basically act like this as long as five minutes later I say I'm sorry so the behavior was starting to get worse noticeably worse and I think it was the stress of going to school not taking as long a nap so she was kind of in a extra whiny mood the last couple of nights and I always read her two to three books and I sing a couple of the songs from the Jungle Book one of the songs we act that out we do the whole thing like literally when I put her to bed I do like a 45 minutes set

right so we always would threaten that hey if she didn't stop acting like that you're not gonna get a book and a song tonight but we never followed through so the last two nights we followed through and she was pretty surprised and then this morning I think she just woke up and she said dad I'm sorry about last night I said no problem no problem buddy I go listen I love reading you books and I love singing the songs with you so you know please be good tonight so I can do that because if you whine and do all that stuff you were doing last night I can't do it again okay she goes okay I'm gonna be good then she really got it

and then also we put her to bed earlier and she slept for like 12 hours so I think that that was another big thing but I knew in the back of my head I was the whole time I kept giving in to her I was like doing like going like alright dude you're overcompensating for you know the way you were brought up and now you're gonna raise somebody that's gonna throw a temper tantrum every time they don't get what they want can't have that so I actually told my wife that I was so psyched that she did it because I didn't have the stomach for it and then like last night I just I kind of was like alright I got to get on board with

this stuff and this morning she was she was the way she always is usually is what she was a great kid but you know somebody told me that a long time ago saying you know a lot of that little pushback and arguing it seems adorable when that they're the young age because it's so little but if you don't nip that in the bud I always forget if it's the butt of the butt if you don't nip nip it if you don't get get after it then just imagine the teenage version of that and now they're a teenager you know what I mean next you know they're taking your keys and fucking taking your car while you're taking a nap on the

fucking couch and shit I don't need that so so there you go anyway so we got through that let's do some live reads here but she's been crushing it on the the balance bike once again you know I've been wrong about a lot of shit the balance bike is totally makes sense now now I get it I was just being an angry old man like hey why don't you do it the way they did it when I was the kid all right okay let's do some reads here oh max oh max cryo freeze pronounced cryo freeze I said it right number one you know living with chronic pain is the worst it's more than a feeling of discomfort it can affect your

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last week it's all Herb's cider Herb's fucking cider Tim Herb Alexander one of the best fucking drummers out there one of my favorite drummers out there also has some of the best hard cider which is perfect for the cold winter months and if you want to reminisce about the cold winter months and months in the summer time you got to get some of Herb's cider go to www.HerbsCider.com H-E-R-B-S-C-I-D-E-R .com I mean it's January February March right start a fire and get hammered with Herb's hard cider kid all right all right what else here we're coming up against it coming up against it all right so I'm gonna go do my work out here

rehab and the shoulders oh dude I film myself playing drums and I swear to God man it's it's amazing it's just like when I used to film myself when I first filmed myself do we stand up and I was like oh my god I thought I was killing I thought I was amazing I thought I was relaxed I was fucking horrible dude I can't even I cannot believe I've been playing drums as long as I play like I I I look like such a fucking asshole and you know what's funny is when I film myself I also have like the video so I can't listen to a click so I'm sort of thinking of the song in my head and do my time is just all over the place it is

a fucking mess but I am so fucking dedicated to filming myself like every single time I play now just to sit and watch to see what I'm doing wrong it is such an educate you know when you just think you're just fucking wailing and then you watch yourself and you just look like you're just playing with like some chopsticks or something I was just terrible absolutely fucking terrible but it inspired me to get better and I've been flying again I took a couple of weeks off just getting through the holidays and stuff and doing a lot of dad stuff making sure my kid got adjusted at school and everything so now

dad has a little more free time and I went on this great flight the other day where I I took off from the valley and then I just kind of flew east until I got to the the LA Zoo then I went down around you know the observatory past the Hollywood sign right out right down Sunset Boulevard out to the Santa Monica Pier bang the left and then one of my favorite things to do is when you transition through LAX airspace it's at a below 150 so you're going right over the fucking beach you know but but but but but people surfing and all of this shit and you come out the other side you're in Torrance airspace then I went

around the Pacific Palisades which I plan on doing because whale watching seasons coming then I went to where I learned how to fly which was Long Beach Airport and I actually forgot the procedure was it South Rowena I was like what side of signal hill is this on again unfortunately had the Google Maps and shit because the helicopter I'm flying now is the fucking shit the cabri G2 what it's got a glass cockpit and like they have this technology now where it's like you're like an air traffic controller like you can see you know where everybody is in the sky how much they're above you how much they're

below you it's just little triangles and it points in the direction that they're going in so you know where to look you know where they are and you can do just like an iPhone like it make it bigger make it smaller and you can see all of this traffic but I basically just keep it you know a nice little two-mile radius like who's around me or whatever and it's just made it so safe and I cannot say enough about this helicopter I'm having so much fun flying this thing and oh and then we went over to Compton and did some autos over there my autos weren't as good as I would have liked but they were still way better than they used to be

and then that was it I brought her back she's getting a little maintenance done it's a brand new helicopter the first 25 hour little we're using the break in oil so I think I get it back I got it back yesterday and so I'm gonna do a little more flying I absolutely fucking love it it's the best all right that's it everybody enjoy the hockey I don't know what's going on with the Celtics I was so enjoying watching them playing and then everybody got fucking COVID I guess who we're gonna be playing had like back-to-back games or something canceled with the Bulls but I watched a great game between the Sixes and the

Miami Heat that went into overtime that was a fun game to watch and the dude who looked like Jim Jamie Foxx this wasn't playing then it was still a great game I don't know kind of got into NBA hoop as much as I pitch about him but we're gonna have the first anything better podcast me and Paul Verzi sports podcast we'll be doing it on Wednesday is gonna be talking NFL playoff football and I'm warning if you're a Brooklyn net fan you just might want to wear your ear muffs because Verzi's been on a fucking tirade about them lately about what a fucking rat you are if you walked away from the Knicks and just

became a Nets fan let's look NFL playoffs here what do we got here oh there's a Bruins schedule Bruins vs. Devils then we'd Saturday we played the Devils again then the Islanders then we got play the Flyers home and home and then we got the the Penguins both home games then we got the Capitals both away games I think unless I'm reading this wrong then back-to-back games against the Flyers back-to-back games against the Sabres back-to-back Rangers then another island for me the Islanders is just random back-to-back Devils we got a Flyers Islanders back-to-back Rangers Capitals this is gonna be fucking

great although I don't see us playing anybody out west it just seems like we're just sort of staying in our division here maybe that's like their COVID thing yeah that seems to be what it is was just sort of playing the old Adams and Patrick division from back in the day so we shall see I'm definitely gonna try and watch some of the Edmonton Oilers dry-sighted love watching that guy play all right that's the podcast everybody go fuck yourselves I didn't do any NFL picks I love doing NFL picks so you guys know what not to pick let's do this here let's do this real quick real quick NFL playoff schedule all right the Rams

who just were looked fucking unbelievable I'm gonna play the Packers in Green Bay I think that they have a letdown game they played so perfectly and I think Aaron Rodgers and the Packers are gonna get them and I think they got two wounded warriors there at quarterback so I think I give that edge to the Packers all right Bill's Ravens bills have a good defense and the Ravens have Lamar Jackson that's a good one that is a good one bills have Josh Allen I don't know the bills are so new I wonder if they're head coach who may or may not be me or their defensive

coordinator can come up with a scheme to stop the Ravens oh that's it let me come back to that one Chiefs Brown that's Chiefs all day Saints buccaneers that's gonna be a great fucking game I'm rooting for the Tom Brady buccaneers of course all right I gotta make a pick here I'm gonna say the Ravens go in and break the Buffalo Bills hearts I'm gonna be rooting for the Bills just because they've never won a Super Bowl there right buccaneers Saints I'm taking the buccaneers because I love Tom Brady Gronk and even Antonio Brown was a Patriot for half a second so it's sort of the Tampa Bay Patriots for

me and I want to see Tom Brady get number 7 he's got to catch up with Nick Saban but I also love the Saints Alvin Camara and Drew Brees that's gonna be a fun crazy fucking game high-scoring game is what I'm hoping for defensive struggle whatever I just want to see some good football all right that's it all right everybody as Donald Trump says but stop fighting with each other all right let's get ready for forgetful Freddy his plastic face and that it is that chick he's bringing with them have a great weekend your cunts enjoy the music and I'll lend and another bonus half-hour Thursday afternoon just before

Friday morning podcast and I'll talk to you on Monday hey what's going on it's Bill Burr and it's the Monday morning podcast for Monday January 14th 2013 in the year of our Lord ladies and gentlemen another week has passed I'm downstairs Sunday night believe it or not this is why this podcast hopefully is up on time hopefully I was able to upload it on time pass it on to the person who uploads it and they were able to upload it you were able to download it now you listen to it hopefully that has happened I'm down here Nia's upstairs she's watching the fucking Golden Globes Jesus

Christ oh geez I'm sitting in like where my room is where I sit and stare at my computer and act like I actually have a serious fucking career it's right off the TV place the room there and for fucking two hours all I'm here coming out of that room is her watching the Golden Globes and just one person after another just going I won't crash you congratulate it was so so brave everything was brave such a brave performance your your unending courage your your your shut the fuck up Jesus you would think these fucking people just I don't know what just won a war your your your your compassion for the human experience your

your your the intestinal fortitude of your fucking essence of your aura Jesus just fucking blow them already you know what I mean literally mouths filling up with saliva as they're just trying to get more fucking compliments out I get it you know how people sit there and fucking watch those things let me ask you guys a question would you show up would you show up to some shit like that if you ever got nominated for something like that you know would you go out would you go to a little tuxedo place down the street get yourself those plastic shoes that God knows how many people have already fucking worn and gone out and

puked in you know you stick your head through some fucking rented limo sunroof loser winner winner right here you you eating that corn dog go fuck yourself nominated not nominated yeah well we'll see right then you fucking have a couple of Michelobes come you walk in there the nomination for most original screenplay goes to zippy zipper fest and they play the stupid music and you got to walk up that I can take my age you take me to my publicist my I'm sorry I'm driving a blank my wife the unended courage bravery and putting up with me I know I'm not

easy I know we keep using an English accent but it just always seems to be some sort of British accent now you know even like when you go on the internet there you go on the internet how old did I just sound and they try to explain something or sometimes when they have like a fucking what do you call it there you call up somebody puts you know you get to the voicemail right they got that English accent going on I don't understand why that they're really in fucking vogue I went to my favorite website that Ted.com because it always blows my mind with these fucking eggheads are working on and every once

in a while something inspirational and today I went on there and I'm looking at this fucking lady and named Sue Austin she got sick so now she's in a wheelchair or she calls it a power chair so she was actually psyched get to get in the wheelchair because I guess she was bedridden and then she got in the wheelchair and she was like psyched she goes I could fucking cruise down the street you know you know the wheelchairs they got now like those old people have they're not the same ones like you you know I don't think we've experienced our first death yet but if they make those fucking wheelchairs any

faster like this you know there's gonna be a lawsuit you know so anyway she's flying down the street and in her in her wheelchair evidently having the fucking time of her life feeling the wind in her face because anything's better than laying in that fucking bed under all those blankets so she's psyched goes out in the world's having a great time of course she's saying all this in an English accent feeling the wind on me face blow me all these cunts scattering about so anyways long story short she's taking it back how everybody like almost like ignores her you know what I mean which I try not to do when I meet

people in wheelchairs you know what I mean like you try to fucking you you're looking them in the eye you having a conversation but you can't help but feel like you look you obviously you're looking down on them then it feels like there's weird like condescending thing like hey you down there I'm talking you up here right so what else you gonna do you're gonna squat down and now they feel like a little kid and you're gonna tie their shoe or something it's really weird that they should really be some sort of standing-to-wheelchair manners drawn up you know what I mean gonna be weird if you that if you sit down too or

you then mocking their condition because at the end of the conversation you can get up and walk away you know what I mean and all you're trying to do is not hurt their fucking feelings well evidently you know they're well aware that you didn't put them in the chair so they're like just treat me fucking normal evidently you know could I say evidently one more fucking time this week God knows there's some douche out there counting it oh not trying to be a dick but um this week's podcast you said evidently fucking 40 really what did you do after you got done counting the evidently what was the next exciting

part of your fucking day you goddamn cunt so anyways back to the lady in the wheelchair so I don't know I kind of fast forward through some of the video right because I got to do this podcast and she she got into diving or some shit oh I know somehow she could she I know she just starts talking about fucking scuba diving and now when you put that shit on the apparatus that you go scuba diving with all of a sudden like the wheelchair it alters your way that you move around in the world but scuba diving was was looked at is looked upon is exciting so I thought well if I combine the two I know this is a

brutal accent so she basically fucking put on a mask a regulator and a tank in the back put some fins on the fucking wheelchair this lady had the balls the fucking ovaries if you will to scuba dive so they cut to her going through the ocean she's got long hair it's hanging out the back floating she's fucking in a wheelchair sitting down going through the ocean it was beautiful and creepy all at the same fucking time it's kind of frightening I got to admit it was a little bit frightening kind of reminded me a little bit of that movie mama that's coming out you know with that fucking tree woman that raised those two

kids two kids get lost in the woods and then they find this this fucking creepy woman tree dirty person I don't know what the fuck it is but I'm definitely seeing that movie because that movie that movie better not disappoint me because I saw the ads for that you guys see the ads for that mama you know these two kids get lost in the fucking woods and this thing raises them and then I guess the humans you know find them and they bring the two kids back they are out there for like five fucking years and evidently the fucking dirty mother from the woods is not happy that she lost her kids so she comes back

to get them and once again you people who are not into guns you know and you're against the NRA I'll tell you right now I would love to hear what you had to say when some fucking half a tree half a woman dirty fucking individual comes into your house from the woods after you find your kids because you somehow lost them out there for the last five fucking years comes back into your house and you're sitting there with a bread knife and an English muffin and this fucking thing comes through the goddamn window huh wouldn't you want to have a semiotic assault rifle not trying to cause a debate I'm just I'm just putting

out there you know just trying to take a different angle on this so anyways this lady is in a fucking wheelchair scuba diving all right I'm terrified of the ocean absolutely fucking I can't even say I'm terrified I'm informed of the ocean I know what's in it I know some of what's in it that's another thing too we don't even know everything that's in it and you get and you can't see it and you're gonna go there and you can't fucking breathe so you gotta bring you gotta bring air with you yeah that is a good idea gonna fucking go someplace where I can't breathe don't worry I brought some air I want to go where I

can't fucking breathe everything's faster than me and if it wants to it might start eating me alive but don't worry I brought some air yeah these fucking people there they're out of their minds and they don't deserve to be rescued I don't get I don't understand you know the Coast Guard other than international freight because we got to get food and shirts to people okay so if those people get in trouble I definitely think you should go out and try and help them up okay but if you're just fucking out there you know beach blanket and you're out there surfing you know or you put on some goggles and you bring some air and

you decide to go on to this you know what go fuck yourself we don't have the money California doesn't have we don't have the money to go save you this fucking state is broke goddamn assholes they got fucking DUI checks every three feet and why do you think that is cuz they're trying to crack down on it no because they're making a fortune often catching some people who had a couple of Budweiser's you know I don't even know what I'm talking about this week so anyways this lady in the fucking wheelchair she scuba dives now and she came over fucking legs and she has the fucking ovaries to go down there and I

and I don't have the balls to do it I'm absolutely blown away by her but then on another side she's kind of cheating because like if a shark comes at her she could just sort of lean to one side and all he's gonna get is a mouthful of metal and you know break all his teeth that would be great now you like that leg good take a shot at you just fucking lean shark comes in fucking knocks out all this teeth fucking freaking out freak out a shark get him to put his little flipper over his mouth like a little kid who broke his front teeth I don't know if you see her I know that they're trying to make it beautiful but

there's something about her long hair the fact that she's sitting down it's just weird and it's creepy do you know I keep seeing that dirty mother half a tree person with the leaves in her hair I actually like the downstairs in my house is it's just creepy I don't know what it is there's something that's creepy about it and I love it because I come down here and my mind starts fucking with me and I don't believe in ghosts I don't believe in monsters of you know other than just shit that we know that exists like sociopaths axe murderers grizzly bears and even a grizzly bears not a monster it's just hungry and I'm

there okay I would like that it wouldn't maul me and try and eat me but it's not sitting there like whoa I'm gonna fucking ruin this guy's day doesn't have a just hungry it's trying to get a sandwich all right and if I'm in its vicinity I'm like one of those sweaty pieces of turkey that you see in one of those subway fucking franchises you know I want to buy one of those things I want to buy a fast food franchise that's how I'm gonna get out of this fucking business I'm gonna buy something that just fucking serves people poison I'm gonna buy it and I'm gonna sit on the roof dressed like the mascot and I'm gonna

have a little bullhorn and just real creepy as people walk in I'm just gonna be going go ahead and eat it come on you fantastic get in there and just get that grease on your fucking on your arteries big fucking clown shoes you know maybe I'll just yell at them why is your mascot so mean I hate when people defend eating like shit because they're broke you know what I mean I mean how much is an apple really cost you'd be surprised that shit will fill you up you get a banana for 25 fucking cents you can get 25 even as a few can be a fucking white dude blue blood white dude in a suit if you stand there long enough going

hey can I have a quarter could somebody give me a quarter someone'll give you a fucking quarter you got a banana there you go you can ride that out till lunch can't you starts raining you open your mouth all right you get some water then what then lunchtime comes around lunch is tough trying to beg for a lunch that's a rough one you know how long do you think you're homeless before you look homeless that's the crucial time it's that it's got it it's like that that show the first 48 you got 48 hours before you look like you've been out there for 48 days so you got basically two days to somehow get the fuck off the streets

or else you're in it for the long you're in it for a while you know I don't know I don't know what I'm talking about this week everybody I'm just trying to get this fucking thing done because I got shit to do tomorrow I got shit to do all twinkle toes here has some shit to do my really 15 minutes and well you know why don't we just do a couple little advertisements you got to this week everybody isn't that nice let's get to we're gonna do two right now we'll get them what the hell what is this not Jesus that's that fucking ripoff has not to do with the advertising you know what I'm the worst okay there it is stamps

calm everybody you know the drill stamps calm this this will literally change your life in such a great way if you're new to my podcast if you go into the post office okay you don't have to do it anymore you can bring the post office right into your own your own apartment your own house maybe they refinished the garage you know your parents let you move in after college you can show a little initiative sign up for stamps calm everybody think about how much time you've wasted going to the post office or how much money you've wasted leasing an expensive postage meter stamps calm is the better way to get postage just use

what you already have your own computer and your printer to buy and print official us postage for any letter or package with stamps calm everything you would do with the post office you can do right from your desk at a fraction of the cost of a postage meter I've been using stamps calm for the last sending out all my DVDs it's great I love it I feel like I'm feel like I'm stealing money right now get this special offer when use my last name Burr BURR for a no-risk trial plus $110 bonus offer that includes a digital scale and up to $55 and free postage don't wait go to stamps calm before you do anything else

click on the microphone at the top of the homepage and type in Burr BURR that stamps calm enter Burr and I got one other one here I got one other one here you guys watching that football huh you Americans did you watch the football see what I did there I'm not talking football I was just stalling just so I could get to the next ad I want you guys to hang in there so you wouldn't fast forward okay E voice everybody E voice is what busy professionals use to save time at work to save time and work smarter E voice converts converts all your voicemails to text and sends it directly to your cell phone no more

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have a special offer for our podcast listeners you can get E voice free for six months with no obligation for your free six month trial go to evoist.com and enter the promo code bill E voice can make your small business sound professional like a fortune 500 company they can create your own custom professional greeting yeah they got like all these voiceover actors whatever you want it whatever you want you want the English accent to sound professional like everyone else you got they got that E voice provides a dial by name directory so you'll sound

like the big boys plus pick your own toll-free number or sync it with the number you have now wherever you are people will think you are at the office want to work anywhere blah blah blah blah it goes on forever E voice if you're starting up your business this is it go to evoist.com type in the promo code bill and take your business to the next level today all right back to business here did you guys watch any of the oh you know what the tree person whatever I know I keep calling a tree person it just looks like the person looks like they're made out of bark so when I come downstairs in my house it's the bank's

house who's kidding who all right I just whenever you buy something all you do is you just switch in landlords you know I love people you're in a deal people just I own I bought my house no you didn't I didn't you sold yourself you freed yourself from this guy and then you sold yourself into indentured servitude to the tune of 30 years that's what you did how old are you now add 30 to that all right yeah that's when you own your house hey don't get mad at me I don't make the fucking rules so anyways with my bank owned house here this is what I do when I come downstairs and I get freaked out you know whatever the

latest monster movie that comes out if it if it catches me whenever I come down and the lights are out and I have to walk into the dark room before I turn the light on I always pictured that thing being in there coming at me and I can really freak myself out you know same way like if I jump into a pool and I start thinking what if there's a fucking alligator swimming right at me it makes me feel real quick to the side you know it's just your fucking mind playing tricks on you so I know I know how to get over it now what I do is I walk in the room and I don't turn on the lights and I fucking 360 just give the whole

room the finger that's what I do and I've never gotten killed for doing it if you want to get over that shit I know I'm out of my mind you guys watch all this how fucking great were the games this I know there's a lot of bummed out fans because your team lost and I'll tell you right now I wonder who do you think aged more Bronco fans or Atlanta fans or Seahawk fans I mean those that those two fucking games were were unbelievable unbelievable and I know what a lot of people think it right now for all those years when I trash Peyton Manning because they kept saying that you know if I had a start date

despite Tom Brady's three rings and Peyton Manning had zero at that point the guy had to stop where I still got to go with Peyton Manning you know I'm actually gonna defend Peyton Manning that loss last week was not his fault okay and I know that they had you know punt return or something like that and that bullshit or whatever okay the guy had a tip ball for an interception tipped off his own fucking receivers hands for a pick six that's not on him all right now he had the Brett Favre running right throwing back left across the body over the middle for a pick he did do that however the goat of that game is Raheem

Moore all right you're up fucking seven points 30 seconds left there's 70 yards away and he stands there and they got no timeouts left 30 seconds stands there like like oh what if they run it don't let anybody get behind you so this fucking guy runs by champ Bailey right champs got him down low this guy's supposed to come over and have him over over the top he gets there late and they let Joe Flacco Joe Flacco who they keep telling me is this fucking amazing he even says it he even says he's amazing I see moments of it all right but I think he's been in the fucking league long enough to realize that he's not amazing he is

efficient with glimpses of brilliance and I don't think there's a fucking Raven fan out there that would argue with me all right I don't even think he's Tony Romo I don't he's just one of those fucking guys one of those guys I don't know what it is it's just you notice like how certain fucking teams they're just good in one area they just know how to draft this one fucking position or maybe just know how to draft defensive plays like look at the giants nobody knows how to draft front four guys on a defense like the fucking giants they're unbelievable Steelers always have a great always have a great defense then

there's other teams that are just fast fucking teams they always have great wide receivers and then that they I don't know the fucking Ravens they just can't pick a quarterback to save that goddamn life they can't so anyway so this guy fucking throws this ball throws it up for grabs a lot Eli Manning except he was actually facing where he was throwing it as opposed to turning and facing the opposite end zone with his shoulders up did he catch it I'm fucking with your Giants fans it was a hell of a throw anyways so there's fucking Ryan Moore he's getting over there late all of a sudden he fucking starts turning

around because he looked over the wrong shoulder and for a half a second he's running backwards he looked like a right fielder in Little League baseball you know what I mean that kid please don't hit it to me and he fucking stops running jumps up misses the ball lands on his fucking ass the Ravens do catches it champ Bailey is right on that guy's ass but now because of Raheem he had to hurdle that guy which gave the Ravens receiver enough you can see it and champs fucking body language when he hurdles over that kid you can see he's like he's gonna fucking score now and they scored all right what more does

Peyton Manning have to do they put up fucking 35 fucking points against the Ravens that should be enough to win the game so I don't think that that's on I don't think that that loss is on Peyton Manning as far as like blowing the game you up by seven points with 30 seconds fucking left 70 yards to go that's on the goddamn defense all right so I know a lot of you guys thought I was gonna pile on actually felt bad for Peyton Manning and I enjoyed watching him this year now that he was finally out of a Colts uniform I could enjoy watching him because I had major problems you guys know what the deal with the Colts crying

about the Patriots he tried too hard we made a tape of it yeah sorry Colts all the shit that all that shit they're doing covering your receivers that's all legal well it shouldn't be well then fucking I don't know change the rules right when the fucking owner sits on the rules committee next thing you know next thing you fucking know and the whole game changed whole game changed all offense defense everything is fucking changed because of the goddamn Colts because those fucking cunts couldn't beat us and that's why all damn Marino's records have fallen that's why he's starting to see Jerry Rice's records are

being beaten by Wes Welker you know that's why it's very rare to see an aggressive cornerback anymore because it's basically as far as I can tell it's kind of illegal to cover a receiver I've been through this shit so anyways now anyway we're trying to say so now that he plays for the fucking Broncos I actually that was my prediction I said the Patriots are gonna beat the Texans and we're gonna go into Denver and we were gonna lose because they had a better defense than we did and our defense has been suspect all year although they played great they did play great today and it was still close you know what I

think today I finally understood the prevent defense when I was watching the Texan in their second to last drive where they for some reason had no sense of urgency and they were down by three scores and I watched them the Patriots just went you know protected the sidelines kept it over the middle and those guys burned off like four and a half fucking minutes and got the two point conversion and somehow they were only down by 10 but all we had to get was a couple of first downs and the whole thing was fucking over I still don't like it this I don't I still don't fucking like it and I don't I don't know

what else to tell you dude I'm fucking burned out I watched so much goddamn football you know how psyched is the head coach with his Santa Claus hair with his buzz cut Santa Claus fucking hair that Atlanta finally won one that was his ass he would have to put his house on the market if they lost today that was it if they were up by 20 and they fucking lost to Seattle that was fucking it but I gotta tell you man Seattle is the future man if they can somehow keep that team together that that's a scary that's gonna be a scary scary fucking team and goddamn it Pete Carroll's a good coach didn't get to see him do that

too much until the second half but whatever congratulations to all the winners who do you guys like who do you like I have no idea I kind of got to think I would say the 49ers God knows they were fucking kicking the Patriots ass but you always got it you always got to figure Bill Belichick you know once he's seen you once that's it you know plus all this shit he filmed I mean you gotta think we might have you the second time around but that's provided we can get by the Ravens all right can I do my dumb ESPN shit Bill what do you think the keys to the game is I think it all comes down to Joe Flacco all right I

think I think we have this I think we can somehow contain Ray Rice so he won't kill us too bad hopefully he won't rip off an 80 yard fucking touchdown carry on the first goddamn play but it all comes down to Joe Flacco is it gonna be bonehead Joe Flacco or is it gonna be the Joe Flacco they keep telling me it's gonna fucking show up each week all right if the prodigy shows up we could be in trouble because everybody knows the Ravens they all know their fucking defense and by the way I'm sick of people sit talking about Ray Lewis going yeah can he just retire already and get on go back to his murdering career he

was never convicted of murder he was initially gonna be charged I think you might have been charged he's charged with obstruction of justice he pled guilty to that to make it fucking go away I don't know I looked it up on Wikipedia it is kind of shady I don't know what happened they would he had some sort of John Travolta white suit that was never recovered from that evening I don't know I never believe any of that shit he was also a fucking multi-million dollar athlete in a fucking club and some shit went down so God knows they're gonna drag him into it the lawyer's will anyways right hey Bill

you ever think about talking about shit that you know about instead of just running your goddamn mouth anyways yeah I'm excited about all these new quarterbacks that are coming in that Colin Kaepernick and Russell Wilson man those guys I was kind of looking forward to seeing those guys square off but being a Boston guy I'm glad a BC guy won but my prediction somehow the Patriots we're gonna squeak by the Ravens I'm gonna age like nine years and I don't think the 49ers are gonna have a problem with the Ravens with the Ravens with the Falcons I think they're too deep I think their quarterback is not

even remotely nervous I think he actually enjoyed he actually said that he enjoys playing in close games I think the 49ers got their guy they have a fucking beast on the horizon here and this is another wave of new quarterbacks coming in and somehow Brady and Peyton are the old guys now it's unreal and I'm older than all of them all right I'm on with the podcast here I know there's gonna be a lot of people disappointed that I didn't trash Peyton many but you did you understand what I'm saying that one isn't on him it's not on him but what's funny is now after all these years of me talking about his playoff

records saying all that shit they're finally bringing all of that up they're finally saying what I've been saying when I now don't hate the guy anymore you know now I'm watching ESPN going ah geez you don't have to bring that up I'm a fucking nut so anyways this is the big exciting thing in my life you know I've I've finally got this fucking house somewhat ship shape an asshole I bought an old house you know and when you buy something old it's just constantly falling down like I actually had to turn the heat off because it's loud as fuck and I looked up and I said oh I can actually adjust that vent that looks

like it was put in in like 1975 you know some sort of Brady Bunch era vent that's in the ceiling so I go up there and I go to shut it off and it's so fucking old it can't quite close it can only close to the point where the hot air is now whistling through the vents so my options were either to leave it full blast drying out what's left of the top of my head the hair on top of my head having it whistle or sit here in the cold which is what I'm doing you know oh shit is that fucking tree lady gonna show up because it feels like it's outside coming up here with leaves in her fucking

bush I have to go see that movie why is it crawling around on the floor oh I speak at a movies oh there's a segue for you Ben Affleck one for Argo and I was looking it up there online and evidently Iran was less than thrilled with his version of what the fuck happened in Argo so evidently they evidently I said it again they're gonna make they're gonna make their version of Argo all right any movie nerds out there who listen to this podcast please stay on that I want to watch that movie I really want to watch that fucking movie I want to see their version of what they think happened you know we got the

Hollywood version why shouldn't we get the Tehran version that's what they should start doing or I think around the world when a big Hollywood movies make movies about other countries that country should just pull their money together in an adorable way that all the little insignificant countries around the world you know let me just couldn't know there's only like this like three real countries like the world is it's kind of like baseball where there's like you know there's like six teams they're gonna be competing for it every year and the rest of you you like the Brewers you know

hey you want me to be the ignorant American I'll fucking play it up I'll Bill stop acting like you're dumb when you shit down we all know you're all right go fuck you're right you're right I'm dumb so anyways I've been trying to uh oh so any stay on that please for the love of God stay on that and and I ran if you're listening all right don't fucking pussy out make that movie I want to see it I think it's great let me see your lies let me see what you got to say about what happened what's your version gonna have huh those six people were rapists or were they friends of yours and you actually helped them on the

plane I want to see it all right if you could just you know take time out of hating and just make a movie that's that's actually bad I shouldn't say that not everybody hates over there there's got to be an Iranian Bill Burr sitting there trying to podcast I saw it I saw a documentary on kids who play heavy metal and metal music and trying to be in a fucking band and either I rack or I ran I forget what it was it was really interesting so there we go let's let's fucking cap that ignorance right there Bill so anyways I own this fuck I own this old house this old house is a piece of shit this old house has a

bunch of plaster that Abraham Lincoln fucking put it in the vid fucking eight sixteenths so I'm gradually getting this thing I had to fucking do the guts first I had to do the wiring and I had to do the plumbing and by saying I had to do it I mean I hired another man to come over and do what I don't know how to do so I think I got it in ship shape I think I finally got rid of the last little bits of galvanized pipe I got everything in here now it's all copper right so not even one green a brown fucking water I got most most of the electrical done you know I don't I don't know what was going on do we had some

sort of fucking exposed wire near the gas and we literally could have blown ourselves up every time we fucking use the fireplace or something so got that straight now last week you know we got we got dish rather than cable and last people here had cable so I'll tell you right now two fucking people that I can't stand and two people that you won't be able to stand when you fucking get a house are painters and the cable guy all right the guys who install cable these fucking cunts first of all painters they paint over everything they don't give a fuck doorknobs hinges doorbells windows outlets if there's a fucking kid

leaning up against the wall they're fucking they'll paint over it like they'll go up down up whoa whoa whoa give it the kid three fucking swipes before they realize oh wait this is a living thing they'll paint your fucking dog they don't give a shit what color you want it all right everything once you just grab the bucket of paint take the lid off and then just start spinning around with it because that's what the fuck you're doing you know then I gotta go and clean up your goddamn mess so anyways and then the cable guys when they install cable they basically unload like five miles of cable they completely overestimate

what they need and then they grab a fucking drill and and a staple some sort of staple gun they go a gauge what gauge what gauge up the side of your fucking house and then whatever's in their way they just drill through it so I spent like three hours the other day climbing all over my house getting this shit off you know now I gotta go back with like fucking stucco and whatever the fuck I gotta do and patch up some of these holes you know some of the nails came out and took a chunk of this shit out threw all of that out so now you know spackled the walls repainted them I'm all fucking good so now I get to do the

fun shit I get to actually work on something that you can see so we got these doors upstairs got like five doors upstairs three of them are original from the old days and then two of them are Home Depot specials which basically means an eight-year-old having a temper tantrum could put his little fucking eight-year-old hand through him so I don't know I actually found a place where they have all these old fucking vintage doors and it's made of the old shit you know when you fucking knock on the door makes that solid sound as opposed to that shit sound you know that IKEA sound that's IKEA you hear that wait a second

that's IKEA this right here that's vintage door here shit can you tell the difference well you know what go fuck yourself I can't wait here's a good here's my Kia here's my Kia right here here that I have no balls you hear that and that fucking wood that you know I IKEA gets their wood they basically like you ever see those popsicle stick houses they have Cambodians make those but instead of like a house they make a dresser out of it that's what they do and they just unscrew it and they ship it over here that's what they do so anyways I found these old fucking doors and they are in rough shape I ain't

gonna lie to you but I'm actually gonna attempt to refinish these fucking things so if anybody out there knows what can I use to take the paint off I don't want to use this and I don't want to fuck the thing up alright my dad was telling me they got this goop you can just paint on it you walk away you come back it shrivels up and then you just fucking wipe it off does anybody know what the name of it is this is what I do when I do this shit I asked somebody I respect like my dad and then I asked like fucking 20 other people and then I just I put it all together Bill we really don't want to hear about you re fucking doing

you how go fuck yourself let's get let's get to some emails for the week shall we I'm still in a Christmas mood I didn't trash fucking paint manning India's rebuttal do you remember a few weeks I'm not reading that fucking one I'll get to that one in a second professor wants to bang hey Bill I'm a 19 year old male college freshman and my professor wants to have sex do it I'm sorry that wasn't me that was somebody else yelling okay I'm gonna be a professional I kept getting these signs ever since the first few weeks of class began you're 19 you're an adult right I'm not really I can't get in

trouble here right I noticed anytime I am running late to class by a few minutes she would always wait for me to start class do get to the good part what does she look like every time I walked in she would say things like oh I was worried you were sick and I was worried you were going to miss my class Jesus she's putting it out there right in front of the whole class anytime any else anyone else is late to class she ignores them and starts on time well wait a minute do you the teacher's pet you know when she says so did everybody do the reading last night do we have any any thoughts on the assigned material everyone just

staring at her chewing their gum slowly and you actually put your hand up oh Michael what do you have to say I found it I thought it was brave I thought it was it was exquisite you know alright let me just read the rest of this here anytime anyone else is late to class she ignores them starts on time okay she is always over the top nice to me when we see each other I brushed this off and I didn't let it get big in my head alright so he sees he's like he's not thinking that this gonna happen okay a telltale sign came to me one day when I was smoke I was at the smoking section on the campus after I left her class I

cheated word for word from the girl that sits next to me in class on a test I had just finished the girl that sits next to me came down to the smoking section with a bag of chocolate in her hand and gave it to me she told me our professor gave it to her to give to me that boy dude trying to bang your teacher is like trying to get away with a murder the more people who are involved the bigger chance you have of getting caught so what the fuck is she giving this girl chocolate for bringing her in the fall fuck she wants to threesome right is this what this is what where is this where it's going please tell me it's going in

this direction like a red shoe diary I asked the girl if our professor gave the chocolate to the class when I left and she said no I tried to keep calm as my dick was filling up I try to keep calm and asked the girl how she did on the test I told her I copied her word for word and she said she thinks she did okay a few minutes later our professor came down to the smoking section where her car was parked the girl asked the professor what what she made and the professor tells her she made a 74 when I asked her she flipped her hair smirked at me and told me I made a 94 wow okay I'm gonna tell you right now right

fucking now if this happens dude you wear two condoms this woman is reckless okay go ahead and bang your fucking teacher and do it towards the end of the semester so bad anyways she's 36 years old and divorced on this certain website where evidently people can basically rate their teachers the students rated her as hot I want to ask her out to lunch sometime dude she's 36 just fuck her she doesn't want to go to lunch she's 36 she wants lunch she'll buy her own lunch but that's you know you're 19

I keep forgetting that anyways the only reason why I haven't asked her out yet is because she told me she has a 13 year old daughter we that's the sound of a vagina she already had a kid my question to you is would it be wrong there are other girls I have met but they are the typical dumb whores you find in college okay all of them I wouldn't think every girl is a dumb whore is every guy a dumb jock is every jock dumb see what happens when we talk in absolutes

I am not saying I want to marry this broad just a one night stand with the history with the professor would be nice I am not the type of guy that likes to go around and and fuck as many girls as I meet that is why I keep thinking that she has that she has a daughter and I should probably stay away what do you think I don't know dude the fact that you had that you don't want to fucking do what I I don't know

well listen do you do you know how to bang a girl and then fucking see you the next day and have it all be cool that that's a skill you know and not have her feel like you used her or whatever you know do you know how to do that I can tell you one thing you don't want to do is what I would do was was the next day I'd be like hey I'll fucking weird and then they get mad and the next thing you know all their friends are fucking looking at you like you're a douche and they start drawing

writing shit on your locker that's a fucking nightmare um if you've mastered the art on how to fuck somebody and not be you know something dude if you're gonna fuck this girl you have to do it at the end of the semester once it's over um this girl she's reckless she's a nightmare if she's fucking putting this out it's unbelievably unprofessional she should be way more discreet all right and you cheated on this girl word for word she gave you 20 points

higher you know what dude stay away from this girl this girl is she's gonna get fucking pregnant and you don't want it to be you all right who doesn't want to fuck a teacher everybody does but you know something you don't want to have a fucking I wouldn't do it I wouldn't do it don't do it don't do it stay away why don't you go meet some nice girls and stop talking to dumb whores and uh you know I don't know rub one out before you go to class and really think about it and

then let me know what happens okay all right hate people considering florida wow okay you don't like people and you want to go to florida you're either gonna totally fit in or commit mass murder when you go down there bill hey huge fan I've been living in New York my entire life and now that I'm working in New York City all I can say is that I hate people I agree with you that the population is way too big there's simply way too many assholes out there I consider myself a decent person

so I am not all high and mighty but one thing that is important to me is respect I commute to New York City every day and all I can say is that the majority of people are assholes nobody has simple manners anymore nobody says thank you when you're when you hold the door nobody even holds the door people are not just on the phones and public places etc even out driving people are dicks people who cut you off and then tell you to go fuck yourself yeah that might have been me I do that all the time

look at this fucking guy he's on his fucking phone after I was just on my phone cutting off the person that I'm now in front of um I'm emailing you because I listen to your podcast every monday and I hear what kind of advice you give and I like it because you're you are being honest I hate oh thank you I hate the people so much here that I'm considering moving to Florida once I get married and start a life there I'm 24 years old have a great job have a great girl and I am miserable simply because of other people

um my girlfriend hates that I am like this but I keep telling her there's nothing I could do I am just like I'm just like that she keeps telling me that if I continue like this I'll eventually become a bitter person and she is probably right yeah and you're going to end up losing her because who the fuck wants to be tied to that um he says I have gone to Florida many times and love the southern hospitality people seem just happy all the time and I want that my girlfriend's parents bought a house down there recently and we've

and have offered us to live there to try it out of course after we get married I know it'd be a big step since I would be leaving behind my family and friends but I feel like I need to do something this drastic to keep my sanity the only bad thing I hear about Florida is the job market but I will soon be a CPA my girlfriend is finishing her master's in education so I think as professionals in our field we should have no problem finding a job if you were in my position what would you do am I just overreacting am I just crazy thanks in advance um ah fuck

what would I do if I was you um I don't know dude I just can see you moving to Florida or going down to Florida and looking through rose-colored glasses thinking it's the shit and and then you're down there and you're in your house and you got your little fucking job or whatever and then you're going to start hating the people down there with their ponytails and their fucking Miami Vice tank tops um their criminal records the meth problem

the alligators the fucking brutal brutal brutal humidity the mosquitoes the size of a fucking golf ball uh yeah I mean there's some nice places in Florida and then there's the rest of Florida it's either it's yeah it's a different deal dude and then just being an east coast guy and coming down from I don't know I mean but you're a young guy it's one of those things it's it's something that is recoverable you can definitely get out of it I would more be more apt to tell you to go down there if you were single

you know go down there single get a fucking flop house to stay in check it out see how you like it but just know that when you leave you're leaving all that food you're leaving all that culture you're leaving all your sports teams because you say here by the way thank god hockey is back I can go back to not giving a shit about basketball go islanders fuck the Rangers um you're gonna miss that down there dude you're gonna have the lightning which is actually a great fucking franchise great franchise and you got the Panthers

so um I don't know man you just gotta what would I do if I was you um I would get I would learn to figure out why I it's actually something I'm learning how to do so I'm trying not to have let people affect me that much like I love living in LA and every time I get in my fucking car it takes me about sometimes I don't even get off my street and I yell at the person in front of me I just go go just fucking go and then I laugh going like dude you

need you I can still see my house I'm already this mad and I sit there talking to myself going they are the worst fucking drivers oh yeah go slower slower yeah take take all day all day there you go day slower slow it down yeah hit the brakes when they go to make a right turn these people out here like that whole I mean you said you like the southern vibe like you know where on the front of the beat if you look at it musically you got the front of the beat on the beat and then laid back on the back of the beat

we east coast fucking people meaning Boston New York Philly we're fucking we get to DC start getting a little bit of that certainness a little bit of it a little bit of it snaking in there but we're fucking like we're on your shit no huddle fucking full court press that is our energy so just know that you're going from that to like hey sit down there man have yourself a biscuit let me tell you a story you know just fucking you know arm out the window I got all

fucking day just no sense no sense of urgency like the Texans on their second to last drive dude I would definitely go down there and check it out before you do and really think about all the stuff that you're leaving behind and that whole thing that you know me and my wife are going to be professionals the job market should be wide open when I think of Florida I think of closed homes like those people really got fucked down there there's a lot of you check out the job market before you get down

there before I don't know the only thing you got going for yourself is your 24 so you can still go for broke at that age but I don't know I would learn to like people be a little more tolerant because you're going to go down there and eventually what do they say about Florida a sunny place for shady people you know that's sort of like you're going to run into a lot of people look like dog the bounty hunter when you're down there all I'm saying unless you go to fucking Miami anyways hello mr. Burr what is this

pathetic cheater I am currently a high school freshman my dilemma and or issue is my father him and my mother are married and have been for the past six years my okay so it's my obviously a second marriage here for somebody my mom has been divorced there we go before with my brother's father who this is like one of those math problems if a train is leaving um she married my dad when I was seven probably did you just like dictate this and somebody like typed it out this is very

conversational she married my dad when I was seven probably she stayed with him through a lot of physical fighting previous cheating and she still believes he's still a good guy he's currently unemployed and has been for almost three years and claims he's sick of not working but every time my mom tries to apply him for a job he gets an attitude which I think if you're a male and you're not the provider of your family and are in no rush in are in no rush to be the provider it makes you a bitch of a man

that's his job isn't it um so as of recently being the last three years after moving my what the fuck so as of recently being the last three years after moving my mom has been the sole source of income and he's been home every day collecting unemployment of 200 bucks uh laying on his ass doing nothing but calling up random hideous women and going behind her back on random dating websites claiming things he wants to do sexually to these random women Jesus Christ sounds like the Dwight Yolkham character in slingblade

get out of my fucking house why don't you go home and practice Randy um I can't stand that I've known and haven't said anything but I feel would crush my mom yeah that's tough dude who's now reaching 50 and being cheating on twice should I tell her oh twice before by other men yeah it's a pattern she keeps picking the same guy that's what you're saying by the way he's cheating on my mom in front of me not physically but he knows I know and doesn't care he doesn't interact with me the way a father should he's worthless in my opinion sounds like a

Jesus this is depressing what should I do it tears me apart I am ashamed to be known as his son I'm just lucky I have my mother my mother's father to look down to the T that way I have oh I'm just lucky I have my mother's father's look down to a T that way I have no physical connection with the douche that is my father and don't worry this won't reflect on me and how I'll be when I'm a parent it only encourages me to do better dude I'm gonna tell you that's about all you can do

all right that's about all you can do is just learn from this situation try not to repeat it um as far as telling your mother or not telling your mother um I don't know I'm gonna give you bad advice here because my first thing is gonna I don't know I kind of got angry at that dude in the middle of that and I'm gonna try to tell you to say something you shouldn't fucking say so I don't know how many more years I'm doing trying to do the math what do you got a couple more years at home just

fucking ride it out get out of that house you know dude I don't know these are tough questions this week I don't fucking know what do you tell them you know if you do you feel like your mother's going to be able to hear that take it in and kick this bum out on his ass um I mean there's plenty of dating sites and that type of shit out there for somebody who is 50 I would think at this point um it's gotta be some over 50 not a bum ass piece of

shit dot com social networking or something I don't know I don't do that that's up to you I don't I mean I can't read two paragraphs of shit that that's that's that deep um I mean that's fucking years of shit god I sound dumb look the best thing I got out of that is that you're looking at this stuff objectively saying I don't want to be that and I'm not going to be that fuck that guy that's what you should do your revenge should be live in this awesome life and go out and find yourself a great girl and build

the life you want to build go after your dreams make some money all right move your mother into the house at some point right have a mother-in-law suite above the garage and tell that fucking bum he can go sit on the sidewalk because he's not invited there you go maybe that can be your goal um all right what do we got here I think that's it is that it for this week's podcast oh look at that right in an hour like fucking clockwork all right people I have actually have to promote a couple of gigs if you don't

mind as well as amazon.com you know as always I say this every week if you want to buy something on amazon.com but you'd also like to donate to this podcast if you go to the podcast page on billburr.com and you click on the banner at amazon you click on that stuff you go to amazon it's still the same price and they kick me a little bit of money for sending you that way so you donate to the podcast that way and then I take a portion of those proceeds 10 percent to be exact and I pass them on to the

wounded warriors project and that way everybody fucking wins all right not saying you have to buy anything on amazon but if you're gonna there's a way there's a way to do it where everybody gets everybody everybody's happy how's that right okay um let me get to my fucking website here billburr.com now why wouldn't that pop up how long has it been since I've gone to my own fucking website that it doesn't even pop up server not found well isn't that fucking wonderful come on you fucking prick

come on don't be this way don't be this way don't be this way there you go there you go shows for this week i'm going to be in uh i'm going to be in hawaii for some reason the date i haven't put up on my site because i'm a fucking idiot oh thanks by the way for everybody came out to flappers in burbank on january 10th i had a great time trying out a bunch of new material weaving it in with the stuff that i knew was going to work i had a great time but but uh january 26th i'm going to be in hawaii

doing a stand-up show on the 27th i'm going to the pro bowl everybody going to the pro bowl might be doing something for inside the NFL there a little teaser there all right upcoming events i'm at the wilbur theater in boston massachusetts thursday friday and saturday february fucking dumbass bill dumbass bill where's the calendar when you need it this is what i do at the end i just make you guys feel smarter uh this is this is my lot in life the 21st 22nd and 23rd i'm going to be at the wilbur theater in boston and guess who's featuring

the one and only the teen idol sensation from the opium anthony program um oh not to mention uh february 19th doing the uh the the patrice o'neill benefit which is going to be insane at the city center it's all sold out um you know we've given some tickets to some friends and family there might be some other tickets available right before the date um we might release some just to let you know uh we'll definitely give you the heads up on that i'll be at bananas and hasbroke heights um february 18th doing a benefit for a

good friend of mine vinnie mark um doing a benefit for his wife as she battles a victorious battle over cancer and um other than that i think i can't even read all the rest of these dates i put a bunch of dates up on my website uh madison wisconsin milwaukee grand rapids michigan royal oak michigan indianapolis indiana minneapolis minnesota atlanta georgia dallas texas kansas city missouri los vegas nevada uh baltimore in eastern pennsylvania more dates to come and i know you're gonna ask me you

come in here you come in there the dates are going to be coming and i'm definitely going to be coming to chicago people keep asking me about chicago that's going to happen philly's going to happen dc's going to happen as well as a bunch of others i'm going to try to get to as many places as i can i appreciate everybody asking me to come that way i got a brand new hour of shit and i'm dying to go out on the road and it all starts next month um so that's it that's the podcast for this week don't take any shit go fuck

yourselves thank you as always for listening and um that is it i'll talk to you next week um so you Traditions and gewaltes and there's more of me. So long that you don't meet me. We don't get to see Paws, Prince of Ifte, chocolade edges, dolls in the promo. So here I am on my lips. From all of them I take two new men. Now I'm with the Eric. From us here I will pass.

You're not from Pase and Ramadan with the surprising and diverse assortment of Albert Heijn and look for the second episode on the world in the small.be That's it from Albert Heijn