Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 1-16-20

Episode Date: January 16, 2020

Bill rambles about the Championship Game, dancing, and cheaters.

Hey, what's going on is Bill Byrd is time for the Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcast and I'm just checking in on you. I'm just checking in on you, just seeing how your week's going, you know, during this first month of a new year of a new decade as we march towards the future and I hope you're having a good time. If you're out there enjoying yourself, I hope you're not on the internet watching people yelling at each other, be they feminists who don't trim their hoo-has or be they people with red ties or people with blue ties and everybody fucking screaming and yelling at

each other. Actually, it's a small portion screaming and yelling and everybody else is just sitting there watching. I hope you're having a good week. All right, how's that? Is there something positive for you and you're on the internet and it's hopefully making you feel better as you stare at the plastic gray screws that hold the cubicle together? Something uplifting?

I just got back from New Orleans, had a great time. I went to the championship game against the Tigers, the LSU Tigers against the Clemson Tigers and went down there. I, you know, came down, went down with my parents, Joe Bartnick, Club Soda Kenny and we just had the best time ever hanging out there, doing shows, going around the city. You know, I told you guys red beans and rice, I'm going to figure out how to make that shit. Some sort of, you know, I'm going to take my attempt at that. Anybody has a decent recipe that you can part with and send my way, I would appreciate it.

I absolutely loved it and we just had the best time and went down to the game. We all skamed, I remember I was kind of teasing the president, why is he going to the game? Don't you have like the sickest flat screen ever in the White House? And but it was really not that big a deal. We actually left for the game at like four o'clock, started at seven and we were there and in our seats, you know, after the traffic and all the bullshit by like, I don't know, five, five o'clock maybe, five, 15 and we just sat there hanging out and it was cool. We got there so early.

Like we were watching both teams practice him without their jerseys on and we watched Joe Burrow just throw one after another, those sideline passes and Kenny was joking like he should throw some to the other side. I'm like, he's going to, you know, he's just being Kenny, right? So of course he does all of that. And then, you know, we're watching the game and you watch him in real time, start completing those passes. What a fucking game, man.

I'll tell you, in the beginning, you know, I ran into this guy, um, I think it was on Royal Street, Royale Street or whatever in the French Quarter and, um, he used to play for Clemson. He was just like Clemson's going to beat him. I think they're going to win by like 14. I was thinking like, fuck, I know when everybody's saying LSU, he's a guy who played for Clemson, you know, actually played the game as opposed to listening to all these fucking drunk people who live here, who are LSU fans telling me LSU is going to kill him and all of this shit.

And then the game starts and LSU was just pinned down in their, down in their, their side of the field. And like that, the punter, I swear to God, if Clemson won that game, I swear to, he should have got at least co-MVP. I don't know how many times he pinned the LSU Tigers all the way down, you know, on the three, four, five yard line, it just, they just seemed like the other first three possessions were down there. And I love that game plan where they just were blitzing, Clemson Tigers just kept blitzing

him. And I was just like, man, if they don't make them pay for this, like, this is going to, this could be a problem. And it just really looked like it was going to be Clemson's day there for a minute. You know, I want to say they went up seven or nothing at all, just, you know, when you go to the game, it's hard to fucking, you know, all this shit that's going all the crazy people in the crowd, there was this Clemson guy in front of me with big mother and hips, right?

This dude, stupid fucking orange thing on, and he got mad in the beginning because this guy in front of me was an LSU Tiger fan, cheered for something, and he yelled at him for cheering. And then they got in this big argument or whatever, well, the LSU guy just called him out for being a douche. And then the guy like five minutes saying, that was my bad, that was my bad. And then he made like a big production about apologizing, should have just said that was my bad. I shouldn't have done it.

Then he had to hug the guy and then he came over and fist bump, came back and fucking slap on the back like every like heterosexual possible way that another man could touch another man. He did it. And it was just like, all right, we get it. We get it. You let your emotions get the best of you. So that shit's going on while you're trying to watch the fucking game.

And not to mention it was so fucking loud, have you just gone, ah, you know, when Clemson had the ball, I literally just was sitting there blocking my ears. I was like, I don't give a shit if I look like a pussy or whatever. I don't give a fuck. My ears are shot from playing drums. I'm not, you know, like the guy's voice is a bad enough. But when the women get going, he had that high pitch on top, you know, forget about it.

So, um, I want to say it was like 17 to seven. And then Clemson came just came roaring back and I was nervous. I thought boroughs was running too much. I'm like, why the fuck aren't they using their running back? And the last time I went there for a championship game, I saw the New England Patriots beat the greatest show on turf and Mike Martz didn't use Marshall fuck. And I'm like, what the fuck is it about this building? Um, but anyways, once they got going, holy shit, but you know, Clemson came back right

after the half and, uh, but they could just never get close. And I don't know, man, that was just, it was something else. It was really something else. And, you know, I saw the Patriots win the Super Bowl there and it wasn't as loud as that. Like it was just fucking craziness and, uh, no fights, just fans were fun. Trump came out on the field, like right in front of us, you know, place went crazy. Everybody loving them.

People chanting for more years and shit. I'm just, there was some boobers, but overall positive. So I was thinking like, all right, this guy's going to, uh, you know, this guy's going to hang. You know, he did his little photo op. It's politics. Right. So I figure, all right, this guy's going to do his little fucking photo op and he's going

to be out of here. But I think he stayed and watched the game. So I thought that was, that was cool other than, you know, just getting out of the whole politics thing about it, but, um, the security getting in wasn't that bad. There was secret service people there, but they, they did it very, very, very efficiently. And I have to tell you, man, that is the greatest dome that has ever been made. I have to say that for when it was built for how it looks, I know they redid it and everything. It's just the best dome, you know, and the newer ones with all the luxury box and the

fans are just so fucking far away. This is like, and this thing seemed like when it was made, it seemed like it was the biggest thing ever and how far away you were. Now that's like nothing. If you go to the cowboy stadium, you know, I mean, you could literally, I don't want to give anybody ideas. I forget. I'm not going to say that.

I was going to use an example of what you could, you know, if you've, ah, fuck it. I'm not going to say that. If you were to take a paper airplane. So anyway, um, my only thing that I didn't like about the game was the, it was how long it took. It was like fucking ridiculous. At least they had a guy come out on the field and he had a clock. So you just sit down.

We, we just stood the whole game and, um, you know, the game should have been three hours long. They turn it into like fucking like, what was it, a four hour and over four hour game and it was so fucking long and we got there extra early. I mean, I was basically there from five o'clock in the afternoon to midnight, um, and got out of there, but it was just, uh, it was just such an awesome experience and, um, but that game is really becoming as long as the Super Bowl if it isn't already, uh, here's a quick question for, and it was great just seeing, you know, all those LSU flans, fans

losing their minds, Clemson fans were all cool, great fans just on both sides. Uh, it was just an awesome experience, but, uh, I, I was thinking, you know, cause they have JLo and Shakira, is it Shakira for the halftime show? If the Super Bowl is Kansas City versus the San Francisco 49ers, my question is who does more dancing JLo and Shakira or, uh, the football players on the fucking, uh, the chiefs and the 49ers. Cause I'm not saying all of them, but there, there's some fucking people on, they celebrate every fucking thing they do.

Everything they do. There's some defensive player who's fucking amazing. He is amazing. Jesus. You'd think he was the first guy to ever get a sack or tackle somebody. I know I've said this forever, but it, somebody's got to say it. It's fucking ridiculous. Um, I love that guy, Kelsey too, one of the best tight ends in the league, you know, but

it's just like, he had like some major fucking drops in the beginning of that game. And then all of a sudden he starts catching balls, it was fucking hilarious. He caught this ball and he's literally pushing the defensive back off of him so he can get up and start running around dancing. It's just like, how come he didn't dance when you dropped the ball? You know, you seem to like extra attention. Why don't you keep the attention on you even during the hard times, then you could be an inspiration so we could learn how to overcome things.

Um, all right. So now that, um, my super bowl, both of my super bowl picks got blown out of the water last week, the Baltimore Raven sent packing by the, uh, Tennessee Titans and sneaky Pete and the Seattle Seahawks, those dirty birds up there, um, how they got fucking, uh, you know, they actually played a great game. It came on a little too late. They ran out of time there, but, uh, by the Green Bay Packers. So now it's the Packers versus the 49ers.

And what do we got left? The Titans, remember the Titans against the Kansas city chiefs and, um, you know, I'm not going to make any predictions because I don't know shit. How about that? And I don't want to jinx anybody because that seems like when I fucking watch people and I make predictions like I, I, I've, I have a kid now. I lost my touch. I used to be able to predict things at a nice 18% clip, which is pretty good for a gambler.

Um, which is why you don't gamble. Um, so I have no idea. All I know is what's kind of great is I don't have a dog in the fight, so I don't give a fuck. Um, it's kind of a bunch of feel good games. You know, who's going to be mad if Kansas city goes fucking poor people have been waiting over 50 years. Who's going to be mad if the Titans go?

That's such a great underdog. Where the hell did these guys come from? Then as a Pats fan, Mike Brable, I got a route for that guy. Um, I feel bad for Andy Reed because everybody was, it gives him shit. You know, you know, like everybody else has won a fucking Super Bowl who's given him shit, you know, and then the other side 49 is, you know, great franchise, great fans, same thing with the Packers. I don't know.

I don't know. I don't know. And I give a fuck. I'm just hoping for fucking two overtime games. How about that? Um, and having said that, oh, by the way, what happened to your Houston Astros? Jesus Christ. What a scandal.

I cannot believe that a team would take advantage of some sort of technology to try and cheat. You know, Jesus Christ, they fucking, they went after them. You know what was fucking hilarious is my buddies who are Yankee fans who were fucking pissed and it's just like, oh my, and I was giving them so much shit. I was like, I can't believe that they were stealing signs on your roided up players. How quickly people forget that your own team also fucking cheated. It's like, if they're going to, if they're going to take away the Houston Astros title, if Yankee fans, and let me tell you something for you fucking Yankee fans, if you fucking

say that that's what should happen, all right, know that you're going to lose at least three titles, 99, 2000 and 2009, all right, if we're talking about cheating, you're going to lose those. All right. I'm not going to say it because we had roided up players on our team too. It's just like, come on, grow a dick. All right, they fucking, they did a little boss hog shit to you, you know, you shouldn't do it.

You absolutely shouldn't do it. But come on, man. Come on. Roids, corked up bats, pine tar, doctor in the ball. I hate how you can't do that anymore. I love the fucking Phil Neacrow and his whatever this fucking brother's they were, they had half their goddamn bathroom in their kitchen on that fucking baseball. It was hilarious.

You looked at their fucking, you looked at the front of their jersey. They looked like a trucker who had been driving for 14 hours. He'd like mustard and fucking every condiment you could think of was just all over the front of their fucking shirt. They had Vaseline on their pants. It was fucking hilarious. Fucking hilarious. I just, I don't give a shit.

Having said that, you shouldn't do shit like that. But like for people to really get all up in arms about that stuff, I also like that somebody compared, you know, Pete Rose gets suspended for fucking life and all the Astros got was this, that and the other. It's like, oh, anyway, gambling on baseball is way different than cheating. All right. When you're the manager of a fucking team and you're gambling on baseball and you're in that fucking position, that starts making people think that the whole thing's fixed.

That is completely different than one franchise getting busted for cheating, trying to win. Those are two, I think two different, completely different fucking things. I mean, if somebody has a corked bat, should they be fucking banned for life because you're trying to cheat as an individual? Gaming is a different thing because when you gamble, you don't have any loyalty other than to money. You don't give a fuck. So now, you know, at least the Astros piece of shit thing they were doing, they were trying

to win. Does that make sense? Well, if you get a fucking gambler, the gambler, I never bet against my team. But at the end of the day, he's a fucking gambler. You know, let's like go into a jailhouse and listen to somebody. They're all fucking interested. But whatever. I'm not going to fucking, I'm not going to, I think it's fucking funny that they did it.

I think it's funny that they did it to a $200 million team that has done steroids in the past to help win three fucking World Series. And I am a fan of another team that was competing against a $200 million team. And then we went out and spent buck 90, 200. And we had a bunch of people on Androstein and all of that shit. Shut the fuck up, you fucking babies. Whatever it happens. And then everybody, oh, what does it say?

What do we watch? What is it teaching children? All this fucking shit is, it's like, are you paying attention to the news? What corporations do, what they do to drinking water, what they do to minorities. I mean, get the fuck out of here with this bullshit. They always put it on sports. Go fuck it. They put it on sports and they put it on comedians.

All right. I'm going to throw myself in there and make myself a martyr. How about that? And now am I cheating? Uh, my Bruins lost to the flyers. Oops. My kid's sleeping. Sorry.

My Bruins lost to the flyers. And over time, we got a point there and then we got shut out against the Columbus blue jackets. And now I'm hoping that we're going to get back on track. We got the penguins next, but I am fucking all in back in from, I've been so damn busy. I got the kid up and running now, literally. My kid's fast too. And she's an athlete and she throws left-handed and daddy is happy.

Um, she also likes riding in my old truck. She wants to steer it and all that. You know, do you realize how cool that is? I'm going to have a kid that was born in 2017 that someday is going to know how to drive 300 tree. How great is that? Um, anyway, um, what was I going to say? So, uh, if you want to get the quickest way to get back into fucking hockey, if you, you

know, if you get married and you have kids and all that type of stuff after you get your kids up and running and that type of shit, um, daily face off. I've been saying it forever. Okay. It's like a fantasy hockey website, I believe, but what they have is they have the line combinations so you can easily, you can learn your whole team in like three games. I just start yelling out the numbers like flashcards back in the day when I was learning the multiplication tables.

Then once I get myself down, then I just pick like three other teams that I really like, like right now, like if the Bruins aren't playing or if they play the early game and if Winnipeg, Edmonton or Colorado is playing, I watch those. I watch those three teams. Um, I'm really starting to get to know Edmonton. I know they're, uh, they're top two nurse and, uh, what is it, Ethan bear, at least they were, since I've been watching, um, and I pretty much know the top two lines and I'm starting to know, uh, Winnipeg and, uh, what is it?

Fucking, uh, Colorado. So that's just what I do. I absolutely fucking love it. And I've also been watching the Celtics, but we lost to the pistons tonight. We got the bucks next. I'm having a great time. Well, I got that fucking test on the other side of me and now, you know, I gotta, I gotta get geared up though, cause I'm back on from being on the road and I gotta start the, uh,

the actual flying by instrument, um, lessons now, uh, which is going to cost a small fucking fortune. I'm not going to lie. There's nothing. Oh, I'll tell you, there's nothing cheap. Some fucking aviation, uh, by the way, thanks to, uh, suds them duds for doing the wash and fold. I sent a picture of their, their little, how they folded up all my socks and underwears

and put a little fucking LSU bow on it. It was fucking great. It's here. Oh, look who's here. I got to do this quietly. My wife's trying to sleep next to me here. It's in the morning. Oh Jesus.

But do, do, do, me on these me on these selling that fucking cocaine to do, do, do me on these me on these, the fed show up in its lame. Why the fuck did you try to do that? You're an old white guy who wears a hat. I got caught. Sorry. I hope they put this in after the Delorean shit. It's Valentine's Day.

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By the way, on the flight back, old Billy movies here, you know, old Billy cross country. I always try to watch something different. You know what's sucked is they had like three Asian movies on the plane and they all sucked. Like Asian cinema is fucking amazing. Fucking amazing. And they put in like three lame ones on there. You know, the guy next to me is like, you know, because he saw me, I was scrolling, I was trying to find something.

He goes, you look like you're struggling. Check this movie out. He goes, it's an easy no brainer movie. And I was looking at the movies. I can see that anywhere. And then I saw that there was like three movies like, I think, I think they were all, I don't know where they were made. I mean, it was Korean or China or whatever.

But the first one they were speaking English that annoyed me. So I'm like, fuck this movie, right? I want the subtitles. I want the real shit, right? I want to see the ones that they watch over there. And I don't know what the names of the movies were, but they were just, they just, they just were fucking lame. They weren't good ones.

So I was disappointed in that. So I was like, ah, fuck this. Maybe I'll, I'll watch a documentary. And I found this thing on John DeLorean, it's called Framing DeLorean, I think or John DeLorean. John DeLorean, of course, made that infamously made the DeLorean car and had his legal troubles and all of this type of shit. You got to watch that thing because I learned so much about this guy. And actually we also, you learned about GM in the 14th floor was where all these executives

were trying to work their way up. And that's just a really amazing time in history where you could like start in a mailroom at this giant corporation and they actually made shit in this country. And you could work your way up from that. Granted, if you were a white male, who's kidding, because the whole 14th floor was like beyond fucking white. Um, that doesn't really even exist. I don't feel like a place that actually builds something like back in the day when you could

drive down the street, I remember, I still remember those guys was like, they like, they used to, you know, work at factories and shit like that. When I first started doing the rose, one of the last gasp of air of them making shit in here. And there was people who just, they, you know, um, you know, if you worked, if you worked at the fucking Plymouth division, anytime you saw Plymouth, you know, it was the probably whatever the, the model car, you know, you're like, I probably worked on that car. He had like that sense of pride that you fucking built the thing. Um, so anyways, he was a GM and I didn't know this guy.

He was in with Pontiac and Pontiac, I guess it's skewed really old. They called it their old lady division and it just was not a car that any young people were into and it wasn't an exciting car and they were actually considering getting rid of the line and he came in and he was the guy that decided what they had a mid-sized car. Forget what it was called and he took the Chevy big block, which you weren't supposed to do. I guess they only kept that for like the Cadillacs or something like that. He took a big block engine and he stuck it in that car. So the people not on the 14th floor were like, dude, what the fuck are you doing?

He goes, nah, nah, you know, we're only going to make like 4,000 of these. No big deal. It's just, it's just a package, you know, and he just made like this fucking, you know, muscle car that became the GTO and he snuck it by the 14th floor. He found this fucking angle and he took like this risk and they ended up selling like 30 or 40,000 of them. It became like this unbelievable thing and you know, that amongst, you know, the other cars, what Ford was doing in Chrysler and all that really kind of jumpstarted the whole thing. Now I didn't know any of that stuff.

He was always known as the guy who tried to get this car going and then he did a bad cocaine deal. But this thing actually, I didn't realize that John DeLorean not only got it quitted, that he then got brought up on other fucking charges of misappropriating funds. Like it was really like just, I don't know, I feel like now I'm going to ruin the thing, but just sit down and watch it. It's an Alec Baldwin, they do this really cool documentary where they're talking about them and then they have Alec Baldwin playing John DeLorean and they reenact a lot of these scenes to add to the documentary.

It was fucking incredible. Check that out if you get a chance and I think that's it. Other than that, I want to watch 1917. I got a screener. You're probably asking yourself, oh, did I wake her up? No. What are you doing, Boo Bear? Are you supposed to be in bed?

By the way, I'm recording this at 9 11 and you're still at night and you're still up. What am I doing? She was just saying mommy, mommy, mommy over again and I said, do you want to come in and say goodnight to daddy one more time? Oh, you did? Okay. All right. Well, I'm in the middle of doing my podcast here, so come over here really quickly.

All right. You're getting so big. I was telling everybody how fast you could run. So now you could throw left-handed. You're going to give me a, she's half asleep. Give me a kiss. Come on. Thank you.

Love you, buddy. Can you say goodnight? Goodnight. Okay. We going to play tomorrow? We riding bikes? Huh? Now we're going to bed, okay?

All right. I got to wrap this up. Bye, bye. Give me five. There you go. Nice five. Look at you, too. Adorable.

Adorable. Anyway, so all right. So I'm an old dad, right? So, you know, I got to watch my vices because I got to be around here. I got to try to fucking stretch this out here as long as I can. So I am toying with the, I'm going to quit cigars. And I think I kind of already did. I just had to like, I don't know, there's so much fun though,

but they have gotten out of control the way my drinking got out of control. It's just, it's becoming like a four-time a week fight. It's like, what am I doing? What am I, a fucking asshole? I make money running my yap and I'm fucking with, you know, my mouth and my throat. This is stupid. So I got to lay off.

And if you're going to quit cigars, a great time to do it is right after you fucking came back from New Orleans. I actually had a buddy of mine who came in for the game. You ever just didn't know your buddy was coming, right? And all of a sudden he's like, where are you? Because I texted that sods of dye. I mean, New Orleans too. And he came over and I had this fucking little balcony thing.

And it was hilarious. It was like me and like fucking, you know, seven other people who were just standing out there talking sports. Bourbon Street was down the street, you know. And now we're smoking cigars, just laughing our asses off, having a great time. And then it was just great because we were all just older guys and we all had kids, you know, and that type of shit.

And it was so fucking perfect. Right around 11 o'clock at night, one of somebody just goes, should we call it? We calling it. And everybody just goes like, yeah, yeah, let's call it. Let's call it. We got a big day tomorrow. We got to watch the game.

Yeah, great. Perfect. The old us would have been out till four or five in the freaking morning and just would have been dragging ass. Somebody would have passed out during the fucking game. Like I'm just I'm beyond any of that stuff. And you know, it's funny. It's funny, even though I would have loved to continue going.

So I think I am done. I think I'm done with cigars. I'm done for what I'm taking. I'm taking a significant break at least because this is the deal, you know, if you don't have any vice, you know, unless you're wired like Ralph Nader, I mean, I don't know, like, what do you do? Like, what am I supposed to do over here?

You know, I'm just supposed to just I got a couple friends of mine like that who are like legit sober. You know, it's incredible. They don't smoke. They don't drink. They don't, you know, smoke weed. They don't take the occasional edible. They do nothing.

They are sober. Just every day taken life in the fucking chops every fucking day. Just dealing with life. I mean, it's really fucking amazing. It's the reason why I think you have booze and drugs because there's, you know, when you have a long day is there's nothing better if he could just have one just having one, right? I don't know.

It's so fucking weird. I don't know how the fuck I kind of lost the ability to do that. But I'm smart enough to know that I don't like fucking with it. So yeah, so I am on a cigar sabbatical. We'll call it that. Like, you know, I got some shit coming up like I don't know. I'm definitely not smoking for the rest of this month. And I don't think I'm, I'm not smoking next month, you know,

and then I'll see where I'm at. And if I just don't give a fuck anymore, then I think I'm done. But man, that's going to be tough. Then what do I do? What am I left with? Huh? Yeah, beautiful wife and a beautiful kid that I can fucking hang out with for as long as humanly possible.

There you go. There you go. See, you got to think it through. You got to think it through. All right. That is the podcast, everybody. Congratulations to the LSU Tigers. I've been a fan of this since 08.

Way back. Les Miles watching them year after year after year after year, rooting for him. And Ed Ogeron, the work that he did, Joe Burrow, all of those guys. It was just, you know, Randy Moss's son is whatever. I don't know the names that well. Jefferson, I know a few of them, but it was just amazing to watch. And just to be at that game was incredible.

And I checked another, you know, I guess sports experience off. I've been to a Super Bowl, both college and pro. That's pretty cool. You know, here's one. Has anybody ever been to all the WNBA teams? I'm running out of shit to go to here. There's got to be, at this point, how long they've been. I know they're starting to dunk.

You can always get great seats. You know, and at the end of the day, you're watching people playing hoop at a high level. Why the fuck not? What's the LA team? The LA, this is a fight. This is when you know sports trivia. When you can name all the WNBA, what the fuck, WNBA teams. All right, let's see here.

WNBA teams. Let's see. The Atlanta Dream. Oh, Jesus. Chicago Sky. The Connecticut Sun. Can you give the ladies a little more fucking tougher names here? The Indiana Fever.

The New York Liberty. All right. Washington Mystics. The Las Vegas ACES. ACES isn't bad. Los Angeles Sparks. Could be a little more explosive than just the spark. Okay.

The Minnesota Lynx. That's cool. You picked an animal that no one else has. The Phoenix Mercury. Is that like two astrological signs in the Seattle storm? Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Oh, I messed too.

Dallas Wings. One, two, three, four, five, six. I'm just going to, I'm going to fucking do this. All right. Let me, let me, let me look at the, are they playing yet? Are they playing? They play over the summer, right? See here.

The Los Angeles Sparks. September, the semifinal game. Regular season. Oh, it starts in May. Well, that's unfortunate, right? The NBA playoffs are going. It's the end of May though. And it wraps up.

September 8th is their last one. So when is the championship game? Oh, I guess it's in mid-September. The semifinals. Oh, okay. That's not bad. Playing these fucking arenas. I don't know.

All right. I think that's it. Is that the end for the podcast? I finally turned the corner with my shoulder. I'm back in the gym. I'm joining a gym tomorrow. Oh, Billy fucking Flyweights is back. And I'm getting to get myself.

I'm already in good shape. I'm getting myself an exceptional shape. It's my goal here. And then I'm going to, I don't know, I got to get back to doing the pull-ups because I got that bet with Verzi that I'm going to be able to do 10 when I turn 70. I've told you this before.

I haven't done a pull-up since my first shoulder got fucked up when I was 47. And I didn't know how to rehab it. And I just babied it. And then it became frozen. It became this fucking took forever. And then guess what? My left shoulder went.

And you know what? Did I fucking learn anything? No. I let, I babied that. And then that thing got frozen. But now I've come out of it. I do my stretches every night. I fucking, you know, move the arm all around.

I got, I got 100% fucking movement on it now. I'm loving life. Going to get back in the gym, throw the weights around. And my goal is to be in an action movie. Is that older bald guy who the hero kills? That's the physique I want. All right, you guys. Go fuck yourselves.

I will see, you know what? You know what? Have a wonderful weekend. How about that? How about I say something nice? By the way, I just did all the track names for my Madison Square Garden recording that I'm going to be releasing on vinyl.

It's going to be this shit. The album, the cover art looks amazing. It sounds amazing. It's, it's the paper tiger act. Plus like an extra half hour plus it was different. And just the tone of it. It's already kind of an interesting thing to listen to where I couldn't believe how many times I would say a joke

and then make fun of somebody getting offended by it. Like cause I don't, there was that time for like 18 months where you'd be on stage just thinking like, is this the one? Is this the one where I become part of that bullshit and getting trouble for doing nothing but telling jokes? You know, it was really like, as much as I was trying to act like it wasn't in my head,

it was completely in my fucking head. So just going back and listening myself, it was interesting. So hopefully you guys will think it the same thing. So I don't know how long it's going to take. I mean, I'm almost done completing this. And then I'll let you know, cause I do have a contractual thing with Netflix. Like I can't have overlapping material.

There's like a certain percentage, but like it has my support the troops, heroes, first responder chunk that didn't make paper tiger. It's got, I mean, I think the whole first side, like nothing is even from the special. So I was really amazed how much different material is in it. And then even the jokes that overlap, I tell them differently every night and there was sections

I was like, oh fuck, I forgot to do that during the special. So it's interesting. But I'm not going to lie to you, it's for 100% total geek comedy nerds. Which is why I put it on a vinyl. Cause you know, I just figured people who are totally fucking into it will then get it. I don't want to be like, I don't know, who knows,

maybe I'll fucking do a digital. If you guys want me to do it like that, maybe after I do the vinyl thing later on I can do that. I don't fucking know. All right, that's it. That's the podcast. Enjoy the music here. And then after that, there'll be a bonus half hour

of a great assist Thursday afternoon, just before Friday, Monday morning podcast from a Thursday, I don't know. I think he's been doing them like six, seven years ago. All right, that's it. I'll talk to you on Monday. It's Bill Burr and it's the Monday morning podcast from Monday, January 16th, 2012, motherfucker.

Sorry. What's going on? Well, 20 to the one Tuesday bitch. This is the Monday morning podcast. I am your host. I just woke up. I got nothing funny to say. I don't even have any goddamn nourishment in me.

I just woke up cause I have a doodoo doodoo doodoo. I got out of the bed. Yeah, I didn't eat. I'm fucking in my bathrobe and slippers. You know, I'm dressed like a sitcom dad in the morning. You know, they dress him up like he never fucked his wife ever. He had the Immaculate Conception. That's how they had the kids.

Remember they used to do that back in the day? Like with like Hugh Beaumont or Robert Young or Mike Brady. Remember they slept in the separate beds? This has been covered before. You know, I'm just saying. And yes, I do have a bathrobe. I always wanted one when I was a kid.

You know, but my parents would just like, What are you a fucking? What are you a fucking asshole? What kind of what kind of a man to be? He wants a goddamn robe. And I was like, what about all the kings that wore them? And they were like, well, what about all the queens? And I was like, you know what?

I can't refute that. How does that make you feel good about yourself winning a debate with a fucking third grader? You know, I was actually thinking about this shit the other day. And I'll probably talk about this on stage someday. Because I think it's, I think it's funny enough that I'm just not going to do it once here in the podcast. I've made that decision.

See all these jokes, you know, it's like, it's like one of those guys who's next to one of those barrels and he's drinking the fucking whiskey, trying to see if it's okay to give to the public, you know, reality is just a fucking alcoholic who got his dream job. Kind of like how those pedophiles always somehow get to work at camps. You know, I think we really have to revamp that whole follow your dream. It should be follow your dream unless you're a pedophile.

You know, go follow your heart. You know, go right down that road unless you want to fuck a kid. Then fuck your dreams. I'm sorry. You know, Bill, it's a little early in the morning for some pedophile humor. Well, I don't give a fuck. I haven't even had toast yet.

You know, I woke up this morning. And all I heard was the fucking guilt trip from you guys. I know, I'm a little late. I'm a little late. Like you, I watched a lot of football this weekend, didn't I? Didn't I? Speaking of that, I got a nice email from a football fan. It says, from a Broncos fan.

Bill, go fuck yourself. You know what he's just saying? He's just saying, you know what? I gotta admit, Redface, you were actually right last week. How do you guys feel? How do you guys feel? Now, I'm not talking about Bronco fans, okay? I'm not gonna single you motherfuckers out, all right?

I got sympathy for you. I know what that's like to be like, here we go. We're gonna win the shiny thing that I never get to touch. And somehow I'll be fulfilled for 20 minutes before I realize I really had nothing to do with it. And I hate my wife again, right? I'm not shitting on you guys. My condolences.

You know, you're great fans. I don't like your new stadium, though. I like Mile High. I went to a game out there a long fucking time ago. Back in 1999, old Johnny Boy had just left. He was like, I don't need this shit. I'm gonna go sell some campers and RVs. Come on down to John Elway's big teeth and weird face Ford.

We'll give you an F-150 or my name isn't Johnny Elway. All right, you remember those commercials? So that really just trashed the first ballot hall of famer. I think I did. There's an arrogance you have when you're wearing a bathrobe. It just says, this is my fucking place. All right, give me that goddamn newspaper. Is that what it says, Bill?

I don't know. It says something making me swing my foot around for some fucking reason. I gotta get a pipe. Um, what the fuck was I talking about? Oh yeah, I went to a Broncos game a long time ago in Mile High Stadium. Shaped like a horseshoe.

The whole thing fucking made sense. It all made sense. I went to the Broncos Jets. And that was the year that the J-E-T-S Jets, Jets, Jets. This was yet another year where those poor green cunt fans that they have were sitting there going, this is the year we got parcels. We got Keyshawn.

We got Bill. You know, we got fucking Vinny. Oh, Testa Verde. Right. And what happens? First game Vinny blows out his fucking, uh, linguine of a goddamn, uh, what do you call it? Is it Achilles?

He goes down. Johnny E's not there for the Broncos. This is supposed to be a big game. This is supposed to be 4 and 0 versus 4 and 0. And it ended up being 0 and 4 versus 0 and 4. Keyshawn Johnson was crying because they didn't have a quarterback. And there was nobody there to give him the damn ball. And, uh, yeah, and I showed up and the scalpers had tons of tickets.

And I was like, how much are they? And they're like, uh, face value. And I didn't, I didn't even try to knock any more off. I was like, you know what? Not only is that something, a good deal. I think that's legal. If you ever look on the back of a lot of those tickets, it says you can, you can't sell it for any more or less than what it's worth,

but you can't sell it for what it is worth. At least you could back pre-9-11. You know, pre-9-11, you could do that shit. Um, so anyways, I'm talking about all you other motherfuckers who just, who just got caught up in that Tim Tebow hype. Huh? Did I get any emails from you going, you know what, Bill? I think you were right.

I think you hit the nail right on the head. You know, which is the perfect expression when you're talking about a Jesus freak, right? Am I really going to go do this redneck tour in a couple of weeks with all these Jesus jokes? I really got to find another person to make fun of when it comes to religion. I just don't know anything else because, you know, I'm not well read. I don't know what you guys worship. What do you guys worship up there in Canada, huh? Some sort of six-legged moose that's, that's also mad and is going to come back

and fucking do something to you. Let's not look at Jesus coming back, okay? There's one of him, there's seven billion of us, so I don't understand what the fuck we're so afraid of, you know? We'll just swarm him. Just hold him down. You don't beat him up, you just hold him down. All right, you're right.

Gee, hey, stop struggling. You're right, you're right. We could be doing better, all right? What are you so fucking mad at? I thought that was one of the deadly sins, huh? With your wrath. Is revenge, is revenge one of the deadly sins? It should be.

Any time I try to remember the deadly sins, you know, I just think of Morgan Freeman standing in the rain. Seven, what the fuck were they? Greed, gluttony, pride, sloth, envy, lust, and wrath. So revenge isn't in there, but there is that. Vengeance is mine, saideth the Lord. Why don't you stop being so selfish, Lord, and why don't you spread it around?

All right, what the fuck am I talking about? I should at least have an English muffin. You know, you guys think this being funny, shit is easy. You can't do it on an empty stomach. It's like boozing on an empty stomach, or fucking something else on an empty stomach because my brain's not fucking awake yet.

We can tell it's not awake, Bill, because now you're dropping the F-bomb where you don't even need to. Because my brain's not fucking awake yet. All right, and the worst thing you can do when you got nothing is to start heckling yourself. What you're supposed to do in show business is just put on a smile and start tap dancing

and just plowing your fucking way through it. So let's get on with this shit. I told you, motherfuckers, last week that Tim Tebow, as of right now, it's not an NFL quarterback. All right, and all you motherfucking fans were sending me emails, giving me shit, going, you're not giving them any fucking credit, including Paul Versey, New Jersey's own Paul Versey,

who's now moved to Albany so he considers himself a New Yorker, but he's not fooling anybody. You know, we can smell Newark on you, Paul. He was another guy going, yeah, you know, you gotta give the guy credit. You gotta give the guy credit. Credit for what?

That he beat a team that totally played into his hand. Hey, this guy's running a high school offense. I have an idea. Let's give him a high school defense. And all he's gotta do is beat single coverage. Holy shit, he did it 10 out of 21 times. See what happens when you go and you face a real fucking team?

45 to fucking 10. Haven't said that. I think the guy's a phenomenal athlete, but I think he's a phenomenal athlete in the Jim Thorpe sense, in the Bruce Jenner sense. I think this guy is a decathlete. That's what he is. He's not quite big enough to be a quarterback.

He's a little too small to be a tight end. Hey, he's a little too thick to be a fucking wide receiver, but the guy can fucking play. He's got the intangibles. He's a fucking leader. I think he's gonna survive. I don't know what he's gonna do. Who knows?

Maybe he'll be a quarterback. All right, not with that footwork though. Can you believe the fucking arrogance of me, the way I trash these fucking professional athletes as if I ever played the game? You know what's even more amazing, is you sit there and you fucking listen to it. So what's wrong with you?

You like that? I'm passing the buck. Um, I don't know. So what do we got next week? The Patriots got the Ravens. Ah, Jesus Christ. We actually play a fucking real defense, but you know something?

I'm not buying into Joe Flacco. I really don't. I don't buy into that guy. I have no idea, but I gotta tell you this. This is another thing I fucking called. This is just gonna be the arrogant podcast. Why don't you guys go back a couple of,

whatever the week it was, the Monday after the Giants lost to the Packers. Remember that? And I said it eerily looked like when the Patriots beat the Giants that year, we went 16-0. We beat the Giants the final game of the year, yet we gave up like 30-something points.

And for some reason a month later, we were like 15-point favorites in the Super Bowl. And what happened? They came back to beat us. So my prediction was that Eli Manning was gonna go into Green Bay, was gonna beat an undefeated Packers team, go on to win the Super Bowl,

at which point there'd be a second ring. He'd be bigger than Joe Namus, and Peyton Manning would then become the second best quarterback in that house. That was my prediction. And the only thing that didn't fucking happen was the Packers weren't fucking undefeated. So how about you assholes?

Giving me a little bit of credit that like once, one out of every 22,000 predictions I have actually comes in. That's a pretty good average, right? Oh, go, I don't give a shit. Why the only guy was weird when that guy in the 49ers bursted into tears? If you really look at Jim Harbaugh's face,

you could see him. He's like, okay, here we go. Grown man crying. I don't know what he's crying about. He scored a touchdown. Did he come back from some sort of horrific injury? Did he beat like Ebola or something? Because that looked like the ending

of like an after-school special. He scored the touchdown. He got up instead of being like, yeah, motherfucker. He was like, oh my god, I know I could tell it. All year, I was wondering when they were going to throw it to me last. You know, it's actually a great thing that he fucking cried.

But you just, as a guy, you just have to look away. You know, there's no crying in football. Come on. Hold it together, all right? You're supposed to get up. Like, yeah, this is what the fuck we do here in San Francisco. You're not supposed to get up and start crying.

Like fucking a dead Ed McMahon showed up with one of those giant publishers' clearinghouse checks. You know, and you've been eating meals off a form and grill for the last fucking 90 years. You're supposed to catch the ball. You're supposed to spike it and do your little fucking give me a sneaker deal dance. That's what the fuck you're supposed to do.

And if you're going to cry for the love of God, keep your fucking helmet on so the rest of us don't have to feel uncomfortable. Is that the worst? That was so uncomfortable. And then every woman in the room's like, I think that's nice. I think, what? He's happy.

He's shit. They're so full of shit. All they see is a weak man that they can manipulate. I could go out with some guy like that. Then whenever I cut off the pussy, because he's not doing what I want him to do, he's going to start crying. God help me if I ever meet that fucking specimen.

Hey, there's a prediction. Which professional athlete is going to be sent to clip of this show and body slam me first? That's going to be fucking ugly. It's really going to be ugly. It's bad enough that I have the physique of a person who's been doing comedy for the last 20 years. But what makes it even fucking worse

is the pastiness of my skin. So whenever I get hit, like the bruise, you can see everywhere. When you have no pigment people, what I'm telling you is first it turns red. And then it becomes a deep purple. That would be fucking hilarious. What's his name?

Vernon Davis? I don't fucking know. If he fucking body slammed me, and then I got up and then I started crying, except I was crying because it hurt, rather than I achieved a monumental goal. Is that legal? Can anybody take out the guy manual?

Is that okay to fucking cry? You know? You know what happened yesterday? Was we watching that fucking the end of... What the hell was that goddamn? Who the hell was playing yesterday? Oh, the Green Bay Giants game. We watched the end of that game,

and then immediately Nia switched over to the fucking Golden Globes. And she was as into that shit as I was into football. And I, of course, just started shitting on everybody. You know? Those stupid fucking award shows. And Ricky Gervais came out was being cheeky. That sheepish smile he kept doing after every joke

just really let me know that he still wanted to be loved by all those celebrities, and it fucking ruined it for me. All right. So she was watching that shit, and some fucking guy came out. Let me get into this. Did you see that guy who was speaking

like really slowly? The guy who looked like he was from Transylvania. You know, via Saudi Arabia. Did you see that guy who came up there was just really slowly going, When I came up here, I was thinking I was going to thank blah, blah, blah, blah. And then I thought I would thank blah, blah, blah, blah.

So we were doing all these jokes about the guy saying, You have a bomb around my waist. Death to Israel. And Nia was getting really mad. You know, because she's so, she's so like, you know, don't make fun of anybody unless they're white people with no teeth in the woods.

Then you can completely trash them because they're white. And every president except for this last one has been white. So evidently that's okay. And I don't, I don't, I don't go, I fucking trash every, I trash Sydney Poitier and his fucking attitude coming out.

She actually laughed at that. His dramatic pauses. None of you deserve to be here. I paved the road and you all shat all over it. I was just doing that. Like he just carries himself. He's fucking actors. I swear to God.

There's something like that. I, you know, have you ever seen a group of people more up their own ass when they sit there talking about the character? I totally respect acting. I think it's the shit. But like they put athletes to shame. You know?

You know? They're basically, you know, like when an athlete comes on TV, you know, and they're just like, uh, hey, Joe Blow, what happened out there today? Well, you know, Joe Blow, when Joe Blow gets the ball, Joe Blow puts it in the end zone because that's what Joe Blow needs to do

and Joe Blow needs more fucking touches, right? Just sitting here talking to the fucking third person. They basically do that, but with an accent. And everybody all of a sudden sounds like their English royalty. The second you do Shakespeare, they're like fucking Madonna. Madonna is some skank from right outside of Detroit

and she walks around like she's been knighted. You know? Like she came out of one of those fucking inbred vaginas that sits in that castle over there in England. You know? Do you realize how fucking the overlap in that family tree,

the royalty, because they can't be, they can't even be bothered with breeding with anybody worth less than $12 billion? You know what I mean? That's when you're just sitting at the end. Either end of a long fucking, like a 50-yard dining room table and then like, well, sis, I guess it's just you and me.

Time to have a little prince, right? That's why I can't, like, I love movies and that type of shit, but I can't sit there and listen to those fucking people. I just can't listen to them when they get up there and they're like, you know, the crew. And I want to thank all these, shut up, just grab your shiny thing.

This is the one thing I got to tell you though. Those fucking, you gotta admit, every year the plastic surgery gets a little bit better. You know? For as much as you might not like celebrities, those people have been putting their faces on the line for the last fucking 40 years. And it's getting to the point,

they almost have it down. They still look weird. Though like those chicks in their 50s now who don't have any wrinkles in their face, they still look weird. You know what I mean? It's like when somebody has an old car and rather than, you know,

doing a body off restoration on it, they just kind of, you know, they put some Bondo on it and they fucking give it a nice shiny coat of paint. That's what their faces look like with that Botox right now. You can't see the dents. You can't see the dings.

You can't see any of that shit. And they got a nice shiny lacquer, you know, three coats of fucking Botox right across the forehead. I wonder if they still have like that old person smell. Wouldn't that be weird? If you're looking at them, they look like they're in their 20s.

Um, there was a lot of hotties there last night. I'm not going to lie to you, but I got to tell you something. Angelina Jolie, Jesus Christ, did she put on weight or what? What a goddamn fatty she was, huh? Oh, Jesus. And you know what's funny is that,

oh my God, Angelina, you look so beautiful tonight. Look at those collar bones. What do you do? How do you develop those collar bones? How do you make those so pronounced? Well, every day I eat a cornflake. Um, am I really sitting here talking about an award show?

I am. That's what the fuck I did yesterday. I sat there and I watched that shit. Um, all right, let's, let's, uh, let's, oh, hey, this is actually sort of an official podcast now. I actually have some advertisers. Um, for instance, amazon.com, everybody.

Do you guys buy stuff off of amazon.com? Sure, we all do. Well, this is what you do. If you want to, if this is the thing, if, if, if you want to donate to the podcast, like I've been saying for weeks now, all you do, just rather than go to amazon.com, if you just go to billbird.com, right?

I'm doing it right now. You go to billbird.com, you click on the podcast, bam, just like that. And then right there under the iTunes is amazon.com. You click on that, you buy whatever the hell you were going to buy anyways, and they give me a little kickback

for driving traffic to amazon.com. I take that kickback. Do I stick it in my pocket and drink some booze? Of course I do, but 10% of it, I kick over to the Wounded Warriors Project. So there you go. And you don't have to do anything else. You don't have to click on some other thing on amazon.com.

You just go there and buy that thing that you probably don't need if you really sit there and think about it. Amazon.com, everybody. Now seriously, a lot of you guys have been doing it. I really appreciate it. And, you know, because eventually I'm going to be too old to stand up

and do stand up comedy, at which point I'll start sitting down and it'll get sad. And then each show will just be me and eight of my hardcore fans in that town. And you're going to be there and I'm going to make you feel old. I'm going to be old.

And the whole thing, it's just going to get ugly. All right. It's going to be like seeing your favorite band 30 years after you fucking graduated. You know, they got back together, man. And you go down there, right? And they come fucking limping out.

And for the first song and a half, they try to recapture their youth before they just finally say, you know what? We're just going to come out here and crew and shout, shout at the devil. How about that? Shout at the devil.

He's the wolf. Something in the night. Ladies, he's a bloodstain on the stage. So anyways, just go to Amazon.com. And also everybody. Anybody check out the Noondah Napoleon Dynamite show last night?

Come on. I know you did. Yeah. Last night was the two episode premiere. And I guess it did great in the ratings and just keep watching it. What's it on? Fox at 8 30.

And there you go. That was fucking horrific. You know what it was? Was I had to sit here and I had to hit pause to figure out their damn TV schedule. I'm looking at Fox's.

They say it's not going to be on again until January 29th. Napoleon gets his own dream job as a Liger. I just love the fact, because I love cartoons, and I just love that they got the original cast back. I think that's awesome. You know, there's nothing worse

than when they try and get like, you know, somebody who just sounds like the guy. You know? It's like all those Sinatra impersonators out there and the whole time. You're just like, wow, this guy almost sounds like the guy who would have sold out Madison Square Garden,

but instead we're at an all Olive Garden, right? No, geez. You know what I'm going to do next week? I'm going to make sure I have a fucking English muffin before I try this crap. All right, please watch Napoleon Dynamite on Fox 8 30 every goddamn week. They got the original cast.

I don't know what more you want. What are you going to do? Are you going to watch The Real Housewives? How old are they at this point? If you guys see that new fucking movie, Nia was showing me that movie about that whale, those whales trapped under the ice, and Drew Barrymore has like a fucking romantic moment

where she sort of cocks her head to the side under the water like, oh, I think that whale's communicating with me. That, my friends. Is a high grade piece of shit. All right, that's the kind of movie that should have not even gone to... You know what?

That one should go direct to the video stores because they don't fucking exist anymore. You know what I'm doing right now? I am burning every fucking possible bridge that I could even have in this business because you know why I'm hungry? I got my bathrobe on and I'm feeling entitled. Oh, he's dangerous.

He doesn't give a fuck. Um, all right, let's get back to the goddamn podcast. All right, state of the country. Hello, Bill. You've been traveling around the U.S. a lot in the last decade or two, and since your profession is basically to observe the world around you,

I would like to ask you a question. What changes have you seen in the U.S.? I don't travel much, so I would like your opinion. Is our country crumbling beneath us? Are the potholes bigger in Texas than in California? Do people in the red states have cold 45 strapped to their waist? Is our population getting dumber and fatter?

What is the biggest change you've noticed since you started on the road? I would say technology. Two biggest things, the technology and 9-11. Those are the things that changed my world the most. You know, when I started people, I guess the internet existed. You know what I mean?

The way oil existed in the fucking ground when we were cavemen, but nobody decided to drill it because there wasn't any cars yet. You know, no one was on the fucking internet. All right, so I don't know. Nobody had cell phones. Nobody had video cameras.

They had that shit, but it was gigantic. So I'm just talking about me as a fucking performer, like standing on stage now. The amount of people texting or trying to record the show or just not paying attention, looking at their smart phones while their faces light up.

That has changed. The ability for someone to email directly, somebody that they saw on stage and fucking trashed them. I would say like that's probably the biggest change I've seen. And yes, I did make it all about me. As far as the potholes and that type of stuff

and people getting fatter, have they gotten fatter? I don't know. You know, they were always kind of fat. And I just think that there's just stories that they like talking about. Like when I started out, everybody was going to get AIDS.

Nobody was safe. Everybody had to get tested. It was the end of the fucking world. The CIA created it and we were all going to die. And now if you go in as a straight guy, they'll be like, are you heterosexual? Do you shoot drugs?

All right, I'll test you for it. But I'm telling you, you got to fuck like Magic Johnson to get the shit if you're in that category. You know, I'm not saying you shouldn't wear a condom because everything else seems to eat through it, right? No, that's disgusting. That's actually a good question.

What have I seen that has changed? I'll tell you, in the sporting world, everybody went from the old school stadiums that only sports fans would want to go to because there was very few luxury boxes and that type of shit. And all you could get was beer, hot dogs, peanuts, and regular stuff.

And now that there are all these fancy ass fucking stadiums, that has changed. Baseball stadiums, baseball stadiums used to be just, when I started out, were dumps. And I went to every one of them. County stadium, old Tiger Stadium, Shea Stadium, old Yankee Stadium. Where the fuck else did I go?

Wrigley Field, the King Dome, the Astrodome. I went to the fucking Royals before they fixed it up. Some of them were nice. Bush Stadium I went to. I went to pretty much every one that they knocked down. Veteran Stadium, Three Rivers Stadium. I went to all those and they were fucking dumps,

but I loved them because I grew up watching games there, watching this week in baseball. And that show was the shit, by the way, because you didn't have a 24-hour sports station. So once a week you got to watch the highlights from around the league and you missed everything. You fucking missed everything. You used to open the sports page

and you had to squint to find out what the fuck happened. Any other sports team besides your own, unless it was the playoffs, then obviously they would cover it and then they had the game of the week. So I would say like the biggest thing that has changed is technology and then 9-11. You do anything like,

there's such cunts on the airline right now because all they have to do is just bring up 9-11. That's their version of just screaming rape. And then the bouncer comes over and just fucking kicks the shit out of you. Hey, can I get a pillow, please? We don't have any pillows. Why not?

Sir, why are you being hostile? Ma'am, why are you a cunt? What does that have to do with terrorism? I'm asking for a fucking pillow. Sorry. So I would say that that's changed the most. Other than yet, yeah. It's just shit that you realize that,

yeah, the dollar. You know another thing that's really changed? I don't know what the fuck people do for jobs anymore. When I started as a comedian, it was like, I'm in construction. I'm a dentist. Like it was tangible shit. I work in a warehouse.

I drive a truck. And now everybody's got those fucking computer jobs. I don't even know what they do. I work at a company. We make this. Do you make it here? No, they make it over in Thailand. And I'm some sort of go-between

that sits in a cubicle with reams of paper every day. And I play Angry Birds whenever my dad, my dad, whenever my boss is looking. I would say that that's kind of changed. You know, but as far as the potholes, I haven't really noticed that. It still looks the same. I'll tell you what is concerning to me

is they have a giant fountain out here in LA. And this year, they didn't light it up for Christmas. You know, everybody has like that one little touristy attraction thing that you have. And they always light it up during Christmas. Right? They didn't do that out here in LA. And I find that really disturbing. And it made me want to get a gun.

And which I am going to do despite Nia's... I don't know. She kind of like respects the fact that I want a gun. You know? It's weird. She's a typical human being. Human being. Typical broad, you know?

She wants me... She like tries all the time to mold me into her best girlfriend. And then when I fight her on it, she like fucking respects me. But it's still fucking annoyed. So like she's always going to be mad at me. You just can't fucking win. You know?

Unless you just give in to the fact that you're going to argue. And it's... You know what it is? Surviving in a fucking relationship. It's like World Series of Poker. When you don't really have a good hand, but you just bluff that you do. You just bluff that you have a better hand than your partner.

And you're like, go ahead. Walk away. Try and find someone else. You know? That's basically what you have to do every four days. You know? Whoop ahead. Go ahead.

Get the fuck out, then. You don't like it. Over anything. I thought I told you to sweep up the floor. Why don't they get the fuck out if you don't like it? Who bought the broom? Who bought the broom? I don't care how much it cost.

Who bought it? All right? You got to do that every couple of days. I've actually gotten much better at that shit. You know what it is? We moved into a little old house out here. And I realized what a stereotypical guy I am. I bitched at first when Nia took the best room

for her little fucking... Her little space. You know? When I got banished out into the garage. You know? Just like my fucking bit that I was doing. But I got to tell you something. I fucking love the goddamn garage.

You know? This weekend, you know what I did? During playoff football, I went out there during half time to do my quick little Billy Redface fucking workout. You know? I bought this... I bought this chin-up dip station standalone thing.

You know? Did I go out and buy the top of the line? Fuck no, I didn't. I bought the $139 one. And I got to tell you, it's the shit. Sure, it rocks a little bit. Because my garage floor isn't level. I'll tell you what's fucking unreal is I got that thing.

All right? It weighed like 9,000 pounds. So I dragged this thing downstairs to the garage. And I fucking... You know, I'm not the handiest of people here. I didn't grow up doing that shit. You know? I had like one crescent wrench and a screwdriver.

And other than that, I had a bunch of wooden sticks that I pretended were guns. And I played cowboy and Indians way longer than was socially acceptable. That's what I did. All right? So I get this fucking thing. And I try not to lose my shit when I'm putting something together.

I saw this thing and right off the bat, I'm like, this thing's gonna be a motherfucker to put together. All right? So the first thing I do is I lay out everything. I don't do what I usually do, is I just start putting the thing together and then get upset when I screw two things together that, you know, one thing from step one

and one thing from step nine. So I lay all this shit out. You know? Spend that fucking 15 minutes making sure I have every goddamn screw and everything. And the numbers aren't adding up. Okay? So I get it to basically to the point where

80% of it makes sense to me. And I start building this motherfucker at about nine o'clock at night. All right? I didn't finish. By the time I came upstairs, granted I cleaned up afterwards. It was 1 0 8 in the morning.

Fuck you! But every guy put every fucking screw in the way it was supposed to go. If you watched a fast video of me putting this thing together, you would see me go, you know, halfway through step one, take it apart again, all the way through step one,

halfway through step two, back down to step one, all the way to step five, back to step two. I just, I was getting to the point, I'm like, you know, I had a 50-50 chance of putting that fucking thing on the correct way.

You know, right side up. Because you know that thing when you go, when you go to lift your knees up to your chest, they got that pad right behind you. So the thing is angled back, 45 degree angle backwards. And I had it, I had the fucking thing upside down. Where now it was like going away from your body,

rather than up against it. You know, or into your body, I should say. And I had already gone through like another, there's one of those things where you needed two crescent wrenches and all that type of shit. But I gotta tell you something, I fucking finished that and I was only used up all the screws.

I only had two pieces left over. And for the fucking life of me, I can't figure out where they went. There's some sort of like these, they look like door hinges. So I know they're supposed to, the top half and the bottom half, they're supposed to reinforce it.

But for the life of me, I don't know where the fuck they went. Because these directions sucked. I know you think I'm blaming the directors, but I'm telling you, they had a typo on page two, where they said, you screw number 18. That's what the picture said. And then in the words underneath it said number 19.

So what the fuck was I supposed to do? Go fuck yourself. So anyways, I've been fixing up, I don't know what the hell I'm talking about now. I've been fixing up my goddamn garage. And I love it out there. I swear to God, I am gonna put a steel door on my garage, that only I have a key to.

And I'm just gonna, you know, whenever Nia pisses me off, I'm just gonna go downstairs to the garage. She can have the rest of the fucking house, right? Is there any problem in that? I don't think there is. Um, so anyway, so I've been telling her, I wanna get a gun.

I wanna get, I just wanna have one. You know? Just fucking walk around in my robe, with that thing tucked right into my fucking, what the fuck? Oh god damn it, what the fuck do you call? What, what, what, Terry clothed belt? What the fuck is a bathrobe made out of?

All right, you know what? I guarantee you, this is gonna be the worst podcast of 2012. I'm never gonna fucking do one on an empty stomach anyways. I'm gonna be, where are my references? I don't even know where the fuck they are. God damn, I'm so early in the morning out here, my back is still out. That's how old I am.

I got to wake up, I gotta stretch out my fucking Achilles tendons, and I have to stretch my back. Or when I go into the bathroom, and I fucking brush my teeth, if I'm even slightly bent towards the sink, my back goes out. Can you fucking believe that?

And I've told jokes for the last 20 years. All right, let's go to the advice. Maybe there's some funny over here. Advice, dear Bill, when I was a young man, and in high school, my parents would never allow me to be in my bedroom with a young lady, whose parents, unless the door remained open.

Yeah, because they didn't want you to fuck her. Um, however, I had some lady friends whose parents would allow us to be in a bedroom with the door closed. And for me, door close equals that young lady is getting pounded out. Parentheses made love to. Yeah, that's kind of weird, huh?

Oh, that's because women are masters of manipulation. Guys are like, why can't I have the door closed? I'm trying to fuck her, right? That's what we do, but women are just like, just listen, this is, I'm trying to have some me time.

I just need the door closed. We're just, I say, I don't even know what the fuck they would say. I don't even know how to talk my way into that. Anyway, so now I'm getting older. I was wondering what kind of a father I would be, door closed or door open. And I have to say,

if I have a daughter, there would be no way I would have her in there with some young fella. And my reason would be that I don't want anybody sticking that dick of my daughter under my roof and possibly getting her pregnant. Absolutely, sir.

Absolutely, total logic. And then he said, but what if your daughter was gay? Would you have the same rules about the bedroom door? There's no threat of pregnancy, and you're no longer protecting daddy's little girl from the big bad wolf. Now think about the same situation

if it were your gay son. I'd love to hear your thoughts. Let's see. Well, first of all, you're giving me credit that I would realize that my son or daughter was already gay. You know?

So let's say I realized that. It all depended on how I handled my son or daughter being gay. You know? Which is, I'd like to think I could handle it. I don't know. I think that that would still be in a job. I'm being totally honest.

I would still have to adjust to that. Just being totally fucking honest, because I don't have any problem with gay people at all. But I'm not gonna lie to you. That would have to be like, okay, all right, come on, Bill. Be fucking mature about this.

You know? I'm not mature enough. I'd have to deal with that. So would I leave the door closed? I would have a double standard. If it was a couple of ladies it wouldn't bug me. But if it was guys,

I'd be like, hey, guys, can you leave the fucking door open? Okay? You can hold hands, but for me. For me. Could you just do it for your dad? All right?

Can we just delay this for a minute and just let me wrap my fucking head around this? All right? I've already given up on the fact that you're gonna fucking follow in my footsteps. Now I have to deal with this. All right? That's totally fucking honest

and I'm sure people are gonna be like, that's fucking homophobic. Which I love. Which I love. You know, being honest is fucking homophobic. You know, when I just fucking said what most people would actually probably do. It's a fuck, it's an adjustment.

Any time. It's just like any, any time. You kid, you know, your daughter comes home, she shaved half her fucking head. All right? And she died the other side blue. You can be like, dude,

you can be like, what the fuck did you do? You stepped outside then do everybody else. You're gonna freak out a little bit. Rather than looking at it like, you know what, that takes a lot of balls. That's actually, you really don't give a fuck

what other people think. That's a very strong thing to do at that age. I didn't have the balls to do that. This, actually this exercise will help you become a better person. You know, you gotta go through the freak out first. So I'm just being honest. You know, Nia wouldn't give a shit.

You know? Which is why I'm with her. She balances me out. So go fuck yourselves. I don't need a lecture. All right, you cunts. All right. All right.

Number two, Bill. I've had this girl who's been a friend since pre-kindergarten who I have had a crush on since then. I have asked her out, I think since middle school. Now we're freshmen in college

and each time she has turned me down. You know what? I'm still thinking about that other one. All right. Let's say I had three kids and two of them were clearly straight and one of them was gay. That'd be a lot easier.

And they are, right? Fuck it. You know? And this isn't homophobic. This all has to do with me and my own insecurities. You know? Because every guy you're gonna start off,

you want your kid to be quarterback of the fucking football team and then all of a sudden the dude's RuPaul and bar on your mom's clothes. I mean, there's gonna be a moment. You can be like, fuck before you deal with him.

Like, you know what? That's my son. I love him no matter what. That's where I would end up. He's my son. I love him no matter what. But I would have to adjust. You know?

Aren't I allowed that? Am I allowed an adjustment? Well, why do you have to adjust? I don't fucking, because I do. Look, I don't even like people touching me. Okay? I got a lot of things I have to adjust on. You know?

I was down in the comedy store last night and Bobby Lee, whenever he talks to me, he always fucking touches me because he knows I can't fucking stand it. But Bobby is just small enough where you can't get mad at him. Like, he knows you're not gonna do anything to him.

So that's what he does. And the more uncomfortable you get, the more effemently he'll touch your shoulder and he just laughs his ass off at you, right? So I'll fuck you. I got issues. All right, but my heart's open. So go fuck yourselves.

All right, number two. Bill, I've had a crush. I've had this girl I've been friends with since pre-kindergarten, who I've had a crush on since then. I have asked her out. I think since middle school. Now we're freshmen in college

and each time she has turned me down. So I've been cool with it until a couple of months ago. Month ago when she starts dating my best friend. Oh, Jesus. There's a nice fucking kick to you. This caught me off guard. But after some time, their relationship falls apart.

I asked my best friend if it was cool if I try my hand at dating her. He was cool with it. So we start hanging out, going to the movies. Out to eat, cuddling at her place. Dude, this is brutal. So what if you fall in love with this and then your best friend's already banged her?

You know, then you got to deal with that. Anyways, so during this time, I would ask her out and she always had an excuse. Her dad was racist. Not a good time in her life. Dude, talk about the opposite, the entire spectrum of excuses. My dad's racist.

This just isn't a good time in my life. My mom thinks you people should be eliminated from the planet. I got my period. Good Lord. Anyways, about three weeks ago, she springs a fucking surprise on me. She tells me that she started,

she's starting dating an older guy. As we were snuggling up on the couch, and she wants me to meet him. All right, you know what? I don't know how many more fucking red flags you need that this girl is out of her fucking mind. She's all over the place, and you're sitting there,

coming up with your heart, right on one of those silver fucking trays. You're standing there dressed like a, like the goddamn butler in Batman. Just lining yourself up for this. Anyway, she goes, the guy looked like Brian Poseid, and Artie Lange had a love child.

Two of the funniest fucking guys I know, by the way. Okay? I'm not trash and either one of them. I'm just reading this fucking email. But here's the problem. She still flirts with me, and invites me over to her house, and we cuddle, go to the movies, all that.

So does she want me, or is she just fucking with me? Ah, dude. Now I know all of that was in your head, and then you wrote it. All right, but now that you've heard me read it out loud, don't you already have your answer? All right, and I'm not judging you,

because I've been that age. I've been that fucking age. All right, where you're just sitting there, you're so into somebody, that you're just, you know, and then you go through the bullshit, you get your heart stomped on, and it takes a good two, three fucking years later,

before you look back on and go, I almost, in a weird way, deserve that. I was so fucking stupid. You know? I mean, what you're doing with your heart is the equivalent of going up, going to the zoo, and walking up to like the polar bear,

you know, encasement, and just jumping into the water. And as the polar bear's going to the water, you're like, am I crazy, or is that thing gonna maul me to death? Yeah, this girl's out of her mind. She's out of her mind, and she's not gonna fuck you,

because you're sitting there cuddling with her. The more you're cuddling with her, with her, all you're doing is you're build, every day you're adding another row of bricks between you and her pussy. Okay, so what you gotta do is just leave this girl alone.

Okay, and if she ever comes back into your life, there's gotta be enough time, and then just go into the two minute offense. All right, no huddle, hurry up offense, and then maybe you can bang her. All right, that's it. All right, see, look at this.

I already feel bad about saying that that whole thing about having a gay kid. See that, that's all it took. It just took 10 minutes. 10 minutes. All right, this is the deal. If I had a gay kid, I'd be able to get past it,

it wouldn't bug me, but you can't close the door. If you guys, if you women have at it, I have a double standard, go fuck yourself. All right, son, you can be gay, but you gotta be on top. That's it.

All right, because you're carrying my family name, that's why you can't be a bottom until you move out of this house. All right, that's it. All right, number, where the fuck am I? Number three. All right, dear Bill, last year I broke up with my girlfriend

in two years. She was always kind of a basket case, but nothing ever too severe. Towards the end of the relationship, she began to treat me like shit, especially when she was drunk in public. Yeah, because she wanted to break up with you and didn't know how.

That's probably why. Finally, I called the quits. However, being the horny, lazy 21-year-old I am, let me guess, you ran right back to the hornet's nest, didn't you? I decided to keep hooking up with her for several months. Everything but sex.

Jesus. Yeah, she's slowly tearing the band-aid off. This seemingly worked out because we shared a group of friends and everything seemed fine. Yes, I know I was an idiot. All right, I'm going to guess where this is going to go. One night she starts making out

with like your best friend. That's what I'm guessing. All right, eventually I start telling her that I was going to try and see other girls and that we should stop. But when it didn't work out with them, I went back to getting with her. Yeah, dude, you're fucking lazy.

What are you doing? So finally after months of this shit, I told her that enough was enough. It was at this point that she confessed to me she had been with a very good friend of mine, bang, several times. And I know what you guys are thinking. He reads this shit before. No, I didn't.

I swear to God. All right, I already called the giants beating the fucking Packers a month ago. I don't need to be right about this. All right, this is all out of experience. Oh, you fucking cunt. Here we go with a very good friend of mine several times, both before and after.

Oh, before and after a breakup. Now, why did she confess that to you? You know what it is? There's such fucking cunts. She kept you around as, you know, she was getting over you. And now you pulled the ripcord first, which is what she wanted to do. So now what she's trying to do is she's trying to hurt you.

So she has to tell you that there's such cunts. You know something? I wouldn't even know if I broke up with Nia, how to somehow insert myself into her friendship with her best friends to fucking ruin that. Anyways, when I asked her questions, she said she made out with them several times and they had had a couple of hand jobs slash fingering escapades.

At this point, I was fucking furious, but I kept my cool. That's good, man. Don't give her that satisfaction. I showed up unannounced at his place the next day and asked him if it was true. He told me that she was lying and that they had only drunkenly made out once after the breakup. I went back and forth between the two of them

until finally he fasted up and confirmed that her story was true. I haven't spoken to him since around August and since then I have ceased to talk to him. I've ceased contact with the ex-girlfriend and have a new 10 times better girlfriend in my life. More sex, nicer, non-psycho. Good for you. The other day, the guy texted me with this.

I was wondering if I could take you to coffee or something soon. I want to apologize in person. If not, I understand to which I replied I'll be in touch. This guy was a dear friend of mine and since I found out about the cheating, he has respectfully kept his distance despite the fact that he used to be at my place all the time and still hangs out with my roommates.

In addition, in the next few months, we'll be working together on a project for school and there's nothing I can do to change that. What should I do here? I'm not really a grudge-holding kind of guy but this motherfucker was screwing around with my girl one minute then hanging out with me the next. In addition, the girl said that the reason

she started acting so mean towards me was because of the guilt she had regarding the cheating. Fucking broads, he writes. And the guy tried to weasel his way out of it when I confronted him with the truth. It's the worst I've ever been betrayed by a friend. I don't know if I could stomach having this guy hanging out with my roommates in my house

knowing what he did but some say forgiveness is better than staying angry. I don't want to look like a bitch that can be walked over. What should I do? All right. The vindictive side of me says go back and become best friends with this guy and then run into your ex-girlfriend and fucking laugh at her

as you compare notes about what's the best way to finger her. All right, which is stupid. This is what you should do. Meet the guy for coffee, you know? He says he's sorry. Say, hey, don't worry about it. And when he says, hey, can we be friends again? Be like, no.

No, we can't. I totally forgive you. God bless you. Good luck in life. I look forward to working with you on this project. But no, we can't be friends. You know? You're a goddamn fox in the fucking hen house.

I'm going to let you back in the hen house. Go fuck yourself. I got a new girlfriend. She's 10 times better looking. You know, you did me a favor. Good luck. But you know what, dude? I know you feel bad about what you did.

But at the end of the day, you're a guy who will try and fuck your best friend's girlfriend. I don't want a friend like that in my life, okay? But you don't have to feel awkward around me. I'll see you in the fucking bars. We'll fist bump and all that shit. I'll have a beer with you. But no, that's it.

And there you go. And that's your keys to happiness right there. You got to cut people out. Fuck that guy. If that guy was in the mob, what he did, he would get whacked, okay? So what you're doing is you're not in the mob. You're going to whack this guy in a way that you're not in the mob, which is you're just like, oh my God, I'm like,

so not talking to you. That's what people who aren't in the mob. That's what you got to do. Fuck him. Fuck that guy. You know, I know he's young and fucking immature. They may only be 10 years down the fucking road when he's married and miserable or whatever.

Who knows? But dude, you don't need shit like that. This is your life. Right now, you're trying to find the right person. You're trying to find the right fucking woman you're going to spend the rest of your life with. And then you got to put together your fucking untouchables. Your group of friends.

You want to have friends that you know that if you were away, and you said, hey, look after my girl, the guy wouldn't try and fuck her. That's a very hard friend to find. And that guy isn't. He flunked the test, the locked the door test. Don't figure my girlfriend when I'm not around test. He flunked it. You're fucking dead to me.

But yeah, forgive the guy so you don't carry this anger around. That's what I would do. But don't let that guy back in. You know? He did it once. He's going to do it. He's going to do it again. Right?

Frog in the scorpion. Can't help it. It's who I am. All right. Hey, Bill. I'm Alex and I never thought I'd be the... I never thought I'd be the guy with the high school sweetheart. Here I sit though having only fucked three women over the past 21 years

and feeling pretty decent about it. I started off... I started... Wait, let me read that again. I'm Alex and I never thought I'd be the guy with the high school sweetheart. Here I sit though having only fucked three women over the past 21 years and feeling pretty decent about it. I gotta admit, dude, you know, you saved yourself a lot of pain.

Missed out on a lot of fun though. Anyways, I started dating... Biff? I guess he's given a fake name. When I was 18 and ended up taking her virginity. Three years later, we are still fucking... Oh, over 21 years, you just mean you're 21 years old. I've done 21 years since you started fucking.

Oh, all right. Only fucked three women over the last 21 years. That was really weirded, worded in a weird way. Were you supposed to get pussy when you were five? You're doing all right. You're a little behind, but you know, you're not gonna get sent down to the minors. If you have one of those who's a relationship, you don't cheat. That's a good thing.

All right, three years later, we are still fucking and it's all very dope. But I worry about the amount of dicks she has experienced. I mean, I'm sure we'll be broken up and hating each other at some point in the near future. But what if this awesome relationship continues until my pubes are withered and I can't get it up? Basically, we're in college. I think we should both be having more moments that fill us with self-loathing. Am I keeping her from a healthy number of big minority cocks jammed in her hole? Where the hell did that come from?

Should I just be happy that this girl is willing to fuck me on a regular basis? I don't know, Bill. Any advice would be appreciated. Appreciate it. Alex, stop putting the fact that you want to fuck other people on your girlfriend. That's what I think you're doing. Either that or you're unbelievably insecure about the size of your own dick and that she wants to go bang somebody else.

I have no idea. You got to figure out what it is. All right, if you want to go bang a bunch of other women, you got to let this one go. You got to let this one go. All right, if you're fucking insecure about something else, you're just going to mind fuck yourself right out of this relationship. All right, if she's going to break up with you, let her make that decision. Don't make it for her by being an overbearing psychopath.

That's what I would say. All right, so there you go. Good luck to you. All right, overrated, underrated. Underrated, underrated, not biting the hand that feeds you. Don't fuck the girl who works at Subway and then not call her back when her store location is closest to your job. Now you got to drive 15 minutes out of your way to get lunch

just because you didn't like the way your vagina looked. Ah, dude, you know what? This is what you do. Go back to that Subway. Just come in there with a big smile on your face. Look, just because some girl fucked you doesn't mean you owe her a phone call. Afterwards, you don't. All you're doing is giving her false hope.

You ripped the band-aid off. All I wanted to do was bang you. That's what we did, and that's it. All right, I don't understand why you have to let them down easily. You know, I just love how women act like sex doesn't feel good for them, too. You know? I let you have sex with me. No, you had sex with me.

No, you had sex with me. Feels good to both of us. I made you feel good. You made me feel good, all right? Why do you still got to get some more? I just don't fucking understand that. Well, it's all how you play it off. Look, you should have gone in there.

Now it's going to be a little weird because you haven't been in there for a while. But what you should have done, you got what you got to do. You've banged in the night before, all right? For the very next day, you walk in there. Big smile. Hey, how you doing? Let me get a fucking something on a something with a something. And let me get some lettuce and tomato.

You know? What are you doing tonight? I'm hanging out with the guys. We're going to watch a game. What are you doing? Oh, blah, blah, that's cool. See, do you want to like hang out again sometime? I don't know.

Hey, I had a good time. You know, it was just whatever. Just be like, look, you know, I'm in this point in my life. You know, I'm not looking for a girlfriend. And they'll try to be fucking douchey to you. But you just go, look, I'm just being honest with you. You know, I don't want to hurt you. I had a great time with you last night.

I had a great time. You know, I'm not one of these guys who walks around town saying anything. We had a fun time. You just leave. How do you get mad at that? You know, stop acting like I raped you. No, that's shit that I wish I knew when I was younger.

That how much women appreciate that sort of honesty. You know, anytime you're on a fucking date and they do, where is this going? Nowhere. I'm just having a good time. You know, just have a good time with me. All right. This is not going to develop into a relationship.

That's what I feel right now. I just feel this isn't going to develop into a relationship, but I'm really physically attracted to you. All right. And I'm telling you, you can open the door to them starting to think, well, here's a guy that I can do all this nasty shit that I want to try, but I'm worried that I'm going to be judged if this guy actually doesn't have feelings for me.

This is, there you go. Right there. Treat me like the fuck stick that I, the fuck is wrong with me. All right. That's the podcast for this week, everybody. Hey, let me, let me, I'm back out on the road. My little vacation is over and I'll tell you right now,

my standup vacation is over and it couldn't fucking happen soon enough because as you notice this podcast, you know, starting to taper off. Haven't been on stage. You know, this is the calm before the storm. Now I got a whole bunch of dates coming up and I wanted to, you know, I just want to chill out before I fucking build up right before I do my special. And by the way, tickets are on sale for my next standup special.

If you guys wanted to go to a taping of one of my specials, I am going to be in Washington DC at the Lincoln Theater on March 3rd. If you go to billbird.com, click on shows. It's the last one we have listed down there. If you can't make it to that one, I got a whole bunch of other things this weekend around the country. I'm going to be at the House of Blues in Houston, Texas on January 20th, January 21st, first I'll be at the Paramount Theater in Austin, Texas.

And then I do my redneck tour, motherfuckers. All right. February 7th, I'm going to be in Charlotte, North Carolina. How funny is this? I just realized it's Black History Month and I'm doing the redneck tour. These fucking people are going to be extra angry and drunk. Why do they get a whole month? Fuck you, you freckle face fucker.

Comedy Zone, Charlotte, North Carolina, February 7th. Big shout out to Rick Flair, Charlotte, North Carolina. If you're there, please come out. Funniest motherfucker ever. Best guy I ever saw on the mic. February 8th, the Stardome Comedy Club in Alabama. And then I'm going to be at the Buckhead Theater in Hotlander, Atlanta, Georgia. And then I got some gigs in New Jersey.

I'm doing the Fox Theater in Connecticut, Westbury, New York. A lot of East Coast shit. That's what I got going on. So please come on out to a show. I got my new DVD with me preparing to make my next DVD. Oh my god. You know what I forgot to tell you guys? This is a lot.

I'll tell you a story. This last thing, I'm going to tell you. I did, you know, I've been playing pickup hockey, you know, once a week out here in California. And it's been fucking great. I finally bought a new pair of skates, you know, fucking phenomenal. Told you, my last pair I bought, 1985 Bauer Panthers. And then I bought a new pair of Bowers. What's that, 27 years fucking later?

I feel like I'm out there skating in my socks. It's like I'm wearing slippers. It's unbelievable. So anyways, one of the guys, long story. One of the guys knows a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy who fucking works for the LA Kings. Don't ask me how, but we got to play a pickup game at the Staples Center. Are you jealous? Well, you should be.

Dude, it was like skating on the fucking moon. It's the only way to describe it. It was the smoothest fucking ice. It was like they had a gravity knob and they turned it down a good like 15 fucking percent. I mean, I suck, but I saw guys who are unbelievable stick handling and they got on that ice and the puck was sliding so smoothly. They had, they even had to adjust to that. Did I score a goal?

No, I didn't. I didn't even were blowing the fucking horn when you scored. They had refs. It was fucking awesome. It was awesome. And I actually made one play on defense and the goalie said nice play defense. It had filled me up like I was a fucking eight year old. I swear to God, I'm still mentally a child.

It was fucking awesome. One of the greatest things I ever got to do. So anyways, people, this is the life you can lead. If you don't get married and you don't have kids, I'm telling you, you can do shit like that. I'm just fucking with you. You know what? You can do all of that. You can do all of it.

You can have it all. You know, you can fucking have it all. You can bang the chick at Subway and you can come in there the next day and get a goddamn Italian BMT, whatever the fuck they call it. And you don't have to bang her again and you can be fucking cool. If you just walk in there and you just be cool. Hey, I had a great fucking time. All right.

Not too much mail on that. All right. That's the podcast for this week. Go fuck yourselves. I'll talk to you next week. Oh, NFL predictions next week. Ah, Patriots Ravens. Ah, Jesus, I have no fucking idea.

I think I'm hoping the Patriots are going to win ugly. And by win ugly, I mean we're going to score a hard 23 points. And we're going to win like 23-21 nail biter right down to the fucking end. Our defense really has to fucking step it up. And I'm hoping that Ed Reed, I never wish injury on anybody, but I was when he came down awkwardly in the end zone, I definitely was not upset. I didn't wish it on him. I was excited.

Good. Maybe he'll be a little slower because they the fucking Ravens are no joke. They just no joke. And I love how little amount of time they've been in this league, yet that the sound of their fan base, maybe because it's old Colt fans. But I don't know that those fans have their shit together. Those are real fucking fans. And that's a badass franchise.

Even like that logo that looks like some sort of old school family crest. Like they conquered some fucking, I don't know, storm some castles or some shit. So it's going to be a rough fucking game. I have no idea. Giants 49ers. I think the difference is going to be quarterback. And I got to give the nod to Eli over Alex Smith.

But I can't underestimate Jim Harbaugh and how fucking amped up he gets his team. It's going to be, you know what? Fuck this. I'm going to pick, I'm picking the 49ers. I'm picking the 49ers. Wait, where is that game? That's going to be in San Francisco. I'm picking the 49ers.

I just think that they, they, that's like a, that was like a dormant volcano out there, their fan base. And now all of a sudden that Joe Montana, Steve Young vibe is back. And I think Harbaugh is just a fucking great coach. They got an unbelievable defense. Fuck it. My gut says 49ers. Although I think Eli is the goddamn man.

Eli's the fucking man. He finally got his due when he deserves it. So that's it. So I allocate our arm, picked the 49ers. And because my hot, I got to go with the Patriots. Winning ugly, 23-20. Oh Jesus Christ. I hope it happens.

That's it. That's the podcast for this week. I hope you guys all have a good week. Go fuck yourselves. I hope you guys have a great week. You You