Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 1-17-19

Episode Date: January 18, 2019

Bill rambles with Nia about being sensitive, TV, and how to tell your g/f to be healthy.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's time for the Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcast. Just checking in on you. How are you? Hanging with my wife on a rainy day and fucking early. What's up? Hi, how are you? Yeah, there was a reason I brought you on this podcast. And what is that reason? Well, as you know, I am a blow hard. Yes, I talk and talk and talk and talk to the point that I fall asleep. There you go. So I actually ran to a question the other day, believe it or not, believe it or not, right? I'm walking on air. Someone sent me a fucking question. I couldn't answer it. It blew my mind because even if I don't know the answer, I still fucking talk to these people. That's a

great song. Let me get that piece of get the piece of fuzz off your mic. These chairs are not as comfortable as they look. Well, they're made for men. That's why these are men chairs. I need an ottoman. These are anti B chairs. Okay. All right. But I need an ottoman like you have. How come there's not a second ottoman for this chair? Because this is this is a loners. You keep calling this a man cave. It's not a man cave. I don't call it a man cave. Call it a man cave. It's my office. I don't ever call it a man cave. I never call it that. Wow. Just like that on the podcast, you're gonna lie. I've never said I always go. You can go to your office. That's why when I'm banishing you from the house. What? Nia, I didn't think that I called it a man cave. Oh, now you're

backing down from it. I believe you call this gaslighting. You're making me seem like I'm crazy. Maybe I'm crazy. Anyway, so this person had a question. And it's a very delicate subject, Nia. All right. Delicate like my feelings. You know, people's not much as I go on stage night after night and I try to act like I'm this tough person. If you really took the time to know me, you'd know that it was full of shit. It's true. Oh, you talk so much shit. See, this isn't the problem. This is why people, oh boy, it's like people really think it's interesting to me how well your fans think they know you because you have this persona on stage and you're the angry guy and that's certainly true. Let me tell you, but you're also just so full of shit. Like you

just talk so much like you're all talk. You just talk and talk and talk, but you're just full of shit because you are such a sensitive, like giving like, you know, I'm a good shit. Yeah, but it's annoying because it's like you're walking around like you know, like choking the fucking microphone stand like you do. I take the good with the bed. People are like, Oh, God, you guys went to Paris. I bet Bill hated that. And it's like, no, it's actually like his favorite city. Oh, wow, you guys went to the beach. Oh, I bet Bill hated that. No, we actually had a good time. Like it's just so weird. There's like this disconnect. Can you please do the fan again? Oh, I bet he hated that. I bet Bill hated that. That's what it is. It's always like, Oh God, I bet Bill hated that. And also,

it's like anytime I post any kind of picture on Instagram, all of your fans, God love you. But all of your fans are like, Oh, I bet Bill, you know, they just will find something to bring you into. It'll be like a post of my feet like, Oh, Oh, Billy likes the no shoes or whatever the fucking is. It's like it's it's crazy. What's wrong with that? I mean, nothing, but it's just annoying. Wow, all that yelling. That's all you had. I know. I kind of tape it up. I was like, I ran out of steam. You're gonna knock me out. You know, it's rainy day. I really wanted to go take a nap right now. You dragged me up here. It didn't suck. I've gone all for two in that place. I know all for two. It's not bad. Everything in there is good. I just never order the good stuff.

Yeah, I tried it. I decided to take a risk and it didn't quite pay off. But it was so nice to have lunch with you. I know. And then we because we were eating too much food. I know. No, I must know about that. We were eating the food and we realized we ordered too much. So we canceled one of the pizzas, right? And you go, which pizza do you want to cancel? Yeah, we should have canceled my pizza. Yeah, and I didn't want to fucking offend you getting all fucking pizza me tooed. If I say abusing my white male privilege by saying, let's just get the simple sausage one. Yeah, you had to go with the fucking wiener schnitzel, whatever the hell you got. Yeah. Yeah, it didn't quite pay off. It was still good. But it just wasn't satisfying, I think,

is the word you're looking for. Are you impressed how I've been getting up early and going to the gym? Not really. I mean, you're still on European time, so it's not actually not that impressive. We'll be right back with searching for a compliment. Am I impressed with you for being like still jet lagged? No, it's not impressive. Maybe. You know what? It has nothing to do with me being jet lagged. Okay, because you snore like a fucking offensive lineman. Here we go on the snoring thing. I gotta tell you, you go through these periods. You have such a cute little nose. How does all that noise come out of that? Because I'm sleeping hard and I'm sleeping right. Can I tell you this thing

that you're doing now where every fucking five minutes, you're shaking me in the bed like that doesn't do anything. Let's explain. Let's explain. Yeah, it doesn't wake you up and you stop for a second. That's what she starts fucking snoring doing this shit. So what I do is I'm laying on my side away from her. And what I do is I just start shaking the bed. I don't. And it wakes her up and she's like, huh? And the second you close your eyes. Yeah, it doesn't stop me from snoring. So I like, what is the point of you? And it's really, it's really starting to piss me off. Well, I told you, I will fucking, I'll sleep somewhere else. Okay. All right. But I've done that before. And then after two nights, you're like,

yo, yo, yo, one comes with me. You start doing the cute boys. Well, so what are we supposed to do? I snore, you wake up. We don't want to sleep apart from each other. So what's the solution? I'm ugly enough. So I need as much beauty sleep as I can get. Don't say that. But, but, yeah, no, I guess I could get one of those breathe right strips or something. Like, I don't know. You're breathing wrong, baby. Because I never used to snore like that before the baby. So I don't know. I just think you're extra tired. I snore really hard. The way I imagine I snore after I drink like a third of a bottle of fucking booze. You were snoring earlier in the night when you first fell asleep last night. Because I took that melatonin. I've been taking that to get myself

back on and it's fucking worked great. Okay. So I mean, I don't know. I don't know what to tell you. Hey, I still love you. Right? No, I know. It's just I won't be passed out, laying next to you anymore. Just stop shaking the bed. It's like, what is it? Because it works. It works. A lot of times you roll over and you know, you stop for like 20 minutes. But now, now you just like, relentlessly, she's like the fucking terminator is sleeping. I think I blew you up or some shit. You just fucking come back together again. You start snoring. All right. Well, I'm sorry. Oh my god. So why am I? Oh my god. Go ahead.

Why am I here? What'd you call me in here for? What is? I don't know. Because you know what, I made a New Year's resolution that I wasn't going to argue with you as much. What? Yeah. You made a New Year's resolution that you're not going to argue with me as much. And it's been working. So I need you to explain this. What does that mean? I'm just going to agree with you. Is that what you think that I want? Yes. Jesus Christ. There's like no winning. There's no winning. Like, arguing with you hasn't worked. I'll just agree with you. All right. I'm not trying to like cut off like the balls of your opinion. I just need you to not be an asshole. How about that? I don't know how to do that.

Oh, really? Yeah. Come on. I'm an asshole. Yeah. You married an asshole. Yeah. But that's kind of not fair on your side. That you married an asshole and now you want me to not be an asshole. I didn't realize you were that big of an asshole. No, I knew you were a jerk. I knew you were a jerk. No, you know what it is? Because I thought you were like a bad boy. And then the bad boy turns into like a bad man. And then no, but you're not a bad boy. You're just like, you're just grumpy. And before I was like, Oh, you're edgy. Like, he's edgy. Like it doesn't take any shit, man. That's because you were a casting director. You put me in this box, man. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. All right. He could play 28 to 35. He's edgy.

You weren't even looking at me like a person. No, that's not true. I thought you were amazing. And you're really cool. But I just feel like as you've gotten older, you've just become like so cranky. Somebody was like, Oh, Bill Burr is going to make the best, like cranky old man. It's going to be hilarious. And it's like, yeah, I have to live with that. It's got to be so hard. It is. You're so brave, Mia. I'm so brave. What am I going to call my memoir? Surviving Bill Burr. Yeah, that's it. Surviving Bill Burr. Becoming. No, it's just like I said, it's annoying because you're actually a very sweet person. But everybody sees this angry jackass. No, they don't. That's what the people want. They don't. Yes, they do. They like me. Believe it

or not, Mia, there's people beyond the walls of this fucking relationship that actually like me. No, granted, they don't have to live with me. I know I'm difficult to live with. I'm literally telling you, I'm going to try to just fucking agree. Whatever hair brain fucking idea you have, that's going to take up the whole fucking day. You want to go out to the coca moca, woke this fucking thing all the way up to five? Yeah. It's just play on football going on. I'll tape it. You did not tape my games while I was away. I thought I'd tape all your Kardashian horse shit whenever you're asking me to. Did you tape Sebastian? Did you tape Sebastian on the fucking news story? You missed that too. I forgot. Cause I got caught up with the baby and shit and

I forget, but I really thought that I taped all your games while you were gone because I sat there when I searched one, the other two came up. So I was like, Oh, great, record, record, record. Dude, Sebastian was on like the fucking NBC Nightly News and he was walking around the comedy store talking about the history place. I'm sure it's online, Bill. We can find it online. But yes, I did forget to DVR. So I apologize for that. You're right. Hey, you're right. We'll search for it online. Wait for somebody to put it online. Do we need to go to couples therapy? Can we just work it all out on the podcast? I'd love to go to couples therapy. Would you? Why? Because I feel like if there was another person

that going, Hey, you know, maybe Bill has a point. I could win one once. Once. Just once. Just once. If I could find a way for you to admit that maybe I am right. I know I can be a fucking douche. You win a lot of them is the thing. You just don't realize that you do. Yeah. Wow. That's that's probably the biggest mind fuck you've ever given me. You win a lot of them. You just don't realize you do. So you're so good that even when I'm winning, I feel like I lose. That's what you're telling me. Wow, I am amazing. That is an amazing skill. I don't know if I'd be proud of it. Fair enough. Fair enough. You're taking my lines. I love it. Fair enough. Well, you know what, Nia, we went out to lunch today. We

did some other things that I'm not allowed to talk about yet because the, you know, I have to wait till the official announcement comes about. You know, I'll give you an idea. There's something that's going on with me and it rhymes with transitioning. And I fully support you fully support me. And we're going to try to make this relationship work. Is I transition from a fucking douche. What if I loved you so much? I transitioned to a woman that enjoyed the Kardashians. That's not what I want in my life. That's not what I want. I like college. Just crack. I think so. It's so weird. You know, I watched that show,

but I hate them. It's like it's such a weird thing. Am I hate watching it? Do you think? I don't, I don't know what you're doing. I don't believe in hate watching. I think that's so juvenile and like ridiculous. That's probably some sort of like this. Probably, you know, at some point you'll be able to get in trouble with that on social media. I'm sure. Well, Nia Renee Hill accused of hate watching. I don't recall hate watching, but if I did hate watch, I'd like apologize to the producers of those shows. But I, it's like I'm on my phone and I'm just kind of like in and out. Like I don't even really know what's going on, but it's just there and they're talking at me. And I know I don't have a good explanation for it. It is what it is. If you enjoy that show,

God damn it, you watch it. Okay. And I'll enjoy other terrible reality shows. So what's your top three terrible reality shows? Currently, it's Vanderpump rules. Real housewives. I don't mind Vanderpump rules. You don't? Yeah. Yeah, you like those goods. And I know it's just something like, uh, I don't get what's, I don't understand how you get a job at a restaurant and your manager becomes your life coach. There's just something hilarious about that to me. Yeah, she's like the mother figure, but it's just like young. Yeah. And as far as I can tell, is she married? Is she married? She's been married for like the longest time. Oh, she is. She owns these businesses and then she employs these like young, beautiful fame whores and deals a lot of their drama. So the skinny dude

who cried like, you're firing me. Wait a minute. You're firing me. Wait a minute. You're firing me. Wait a minute. I love that she stuck to her guns. She did. That kid's a mess. That kid's a mess. He deserves to be fired. He needs to get his life together. You're firing me. Yes. I don't know what that happened. It just seemed like it was the longest I've ever seen somebody. He had no argument. He just kept, I don't know. That's what it felt like he was saying. So they let that guy go. He's fired off the show for what? Not off the show. He's still on the show. He's just, because he gets really drunk and he says really nasty things to the people that work there, namely the girls. And he's always like, you're a fat hole. Like a fucking asshole.

Oh, it's fucking great. I love that guy. Don't fire him. And then the other guy, Jax, right? I was hoping he was going to get that job at the hockey club. Yeah, right. His whole thing was, oh, that he was going to tweet. He was going to do social media for like a minor league, Florida-based hockey team. What kind of bullshit job is that? That's a great job. It doesn't exist. What kind of job is that? To tweet for them in what way? Got a game coming up. That's really, what else are you going to do for that? Run their Instagram account? Yeah, you're generating excitement. Yeah, if there's fights and there's good hits, and it seems like a good game, and people want to come out to buy tickets and spend money,

yeah. That's what you do. Okay. This is Christ, Neil. You can follow restaurants on Instagram. I just started following this amazing cheeseboard account. And you're making fun of this guy with a hockey team? Does somebody running a cheeseboard account? Oh my God, it's amazing. Ain't too proud to Meg, because her name is Meg. Oh, I thought those kind of cheese. I was like, Meg. Oh, it's incredible. Monster, monster cheese. What are the cheeses begin? Name a cheese that begins with M. Monster. Okay. Now you're the second person on the family feud. You've got to come up with another one. What do you got? Oh, mild cheddar. Oh, mild cheddar. Wait, why is that a bit? Because the cheese, it's got to be mild cheddar. No, that's a kind of cheddar.

Cheddar C. I don't know. You got something else? Monterey Jack. Monterey Jack. Hey, let's see if any family members you can go to. All right, we have the other people from the name of cheese that begins with M. We got Manchego. Manchego. Show me Manchego. Bing. That's what is fucking unbelievable. I love cheese. All right. Cheese. This is fucking amazing. All right. Family number four. Okay. We're talking cheese begins with M. That's a lovely necklace you have there. Thank you. Richard Dawson, give me a kiss. All right. We need a cheese that begins with M or the Sullivan family has a chance to steal. What do you got? I'm going to go with...

You got one strike with the mild cheese. I honestly don't know any other cheeses that begin with M. Oh, come on. Give me a guess in three, two, one. Montabello. I do the Steve Harvey. I asked you to name a cheese because of M and you said Montabello. I got nothing. Show me Montabello. I got nothing. Dude, that's amazing that you could do that. Monsters all I had. That's why I married you because you know all the cheeses. All right. What do you want? We want me to read the advertising and then we'll do the question, right? Oh, me on D's, me on D's cutting the fucking cheese. Me on D's, me on D's, shit down to your D's.

Running down your fucking tidy white ease. It would be better if you had me on D's and cradle that shit and no one would know when your balls are filled nice and soft and a little warm. Sorry. Wait, can I interject real quick? Sure. Me on D's sent us some onesies and they are the most comfortable soft things ever and I truly love them and this is not a part of what they asked us to read, but like I just want to say thank you me on D's or the onesies and everyone. I never got my onesie. You did. I put it on your side of the bed. I don't know what happened to it. Yeah, what happened to it? Are you going to wear it? Can we take a picture? It feels a little weird to be an adult dressing like a six-month-old baby. It's so comfortable. Let's like... Can you talk to Michael

Litchis a little more? Put it on and we'll take a picture and we'll post it on Instagram and we'll do hashtag me on D's, hashtag ad, hashtag spawn con. Do you know what spawn con is? Nope. Sponsored content. Oh, I'll tell you what, I'm just going to read this article. Just add here. That's what I'm going to do. No, I'm going to agree with you. Hey Neil, that sounds like a great idea. 2019 Billy Burr. He's got no opinions here. All right, Valentine's Day is right around the corner. What are you going to get me? Why don't you fucking take me out this year? Steak in a blowjob, please Nini. Rather than spending all that money going out to fancy restaurants, why not just hang in your underwear all night long courtesy of me undies? They got that little trap door in the

me undies so I can bang you from behind. Talk about why me undies are the best underwear. Feel free to improvise. All right, here we go. I love fucking my wife in me undies onesies. All right, I'm a minute man. I'm done in one minute. The whole thing just, it all works. Me undie onesie minute man. Get it done before 8 p.m. Seven minutes is fair. Is that what I am? Seven minutes is a great number. I feel like that's fine. You know what I mean? It's fine. I'm not trying to get banged like for hours on end. It's like, who has time? Well, you don't do any work. You just fucking laying there. I'm up there like a fucking jack hammer. What does what does what does somebody fucking minutes I got to do? Can you do plank

for seven minutes? Because that's what the fuck I have to do. I got to get up off you and drop it down. Yeah, you're not one of those cuddlers. You're like, get away from me. Come back. Get away from me. Come back. Feel like a fucking astronaut. Spending around with one of those little rubber balls there. Me undies uses uses the coveted micro modal modal fabric, which is three times softer than cotton. Yes, that's why that onesie was so comfortable. Thank you. The fabric generally feels like actual heaven against your skin. This person must have had a near death experience where God came down and tickled this little private slip. Oh my God, I need an underwear that feels like the hand of God welcoming my balls to the pearly gates,

only to say your work is not finished. This isn't what they meant by they said to improvise. Speaking of prints. It's a segue. This V day. Oh, geez. This V day season me undies will be releasing a new print every Tuesday, a heart shaped like a dick. How does that work? That means you and your loved ones can chill and matching prints for V day and play the game of how long can we keep these on? Oh my goodness, me undies. So naughty. Meshing of pews will be back after these messages. Can we get some Valentine's stuff? No, no. Come on, baby. Come on. I already have the Christmas ones. I love them. But why stop at undies? This year, me undies is launching their V day prints in lounge pants and onesies as well. Both are made from the same micro modal modell

fabrics as their undies. Me undies has a great offer for my listeners for any first time purchasers. When you order me undies, you get 15% off and free shipping. This is a no brainer. Get 15% off a pair of the most comfortable undies you will ever put on to get your 50 15% off your first pair free shipping and 100% satisfaction guarantee. Go to me undies.com slash burr. That's me undies.com slash burr. By the way, Nia, you're not exactly, uh, you kind of, you know, you get what you need to be pretty quick too. Yeah, that's true. Yeah, you are definitely in touch with your body. Yeah. Yeah, that's true. Bingo, mango. There you go. Beat it. Other side of the bed. I'm going to sleep. Basically. Yeah. Put it on my bow's headset as you listen to those screaming whores.

That's why you can't have kids, bitch. Uh, why you can't keep a man, motherfucker. Dollar Shave Club. That's why your dad never calls you, bitch. Dollar Shave Club has everything you need. That's why you walk in the street, bitch. Um, what happened? What happened? What happened? Dollar Shave Club. What is that from? That's that chick on the fucking subway just kept going, what happened? What happened that he fucking the guy with the eight ball jacket and he fucking, oh no, that's a different woman. What happened? One was another one. Okay. Plumbing head. Dollar Shave Club has everything you need to look, feel and smell your best. And you never have to go to the store. Uh, that's because they deliver

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their status sets. Uh, you can try for just $5, like their oral care kit. After that, the restock box ships regular sized products at a regular price. Get your status set for just $5, dude. Right now at dollyshaveclub.com slash burr. That's dollyshaveclub.com slash burr. All right, last one, quit. Q-U-I-P. Starting a healthy routine and sticking to it are two very different things. Inevitably, we all skimp on that full night of sleep. Skip a workout or two or brush our teeth with a tired old toothbrush. We're not perfect, but we can do better. And quip is a better electric toothbrush that can help. Oh, they're only solving that if they want to help all the other shit. I'm going to sleep well and work out and brush my teeth. Sorry, Bill. We're just going to fix

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They get all the ones that disagreed. I'm surprised they're not out there shooting each other like drug dealers. They have thousands of verified five-star reviews over 1 million happy, healthy mouths due to. Quip starts at just $25. If you go to getquip, G-E-T-Q-U-I-P dot com slash burr right now, you can get your first refill pack for free. That's your first refill pack for free at G-E-T-Q-U-I-P dot com slash burr. There it is. Lastly, but not leastly, I love when you do the podcast, Nia. Thank you. That's great. You're funny. You kill it always. Girlfriend won't lose weight. Dear Billy, not so fat. This is from the other day. Okay. It's a very delicate situation. Yeah. All right. Yes, I'm here. Okay. My girlfriend and I have been dating for three years, going on

four, and I'm starting to have different feelings towards her because of her eating habits and the way she takes care of herself. Since I met her several years ago, she kind of had a weight thing that was noticeable, but didn't think anything of it because I thought she would get on some sort of kick of wanting to lose some weight in the years to come. Well, it's been three and a half years, and we're already making a face over there. Well, it's been three and a half years and there's no stopping her from losing weight. Weight? Losing weight. She's 25 and I'm 30 and I don't know what to do. She loves to see, he meant gaining weight. She loves the sweets and is not a fan of running because it hurts her feet. Hell, Bill,

I love her, but I don't want to spend my early 30s miserable in a relationship with someone who doesn't want to take care of herself. Thanks and go fuck yourself. Now, what does he say to her? First of all, motherfucker, you fell in love with her when she was a little thick and you were just like, oh, she'll lose weight, but you still fell for her and now you're mad that the bitch has gained weight. It's like, she obviously likes to eat. You knew that from jump. So why are you getting extra street on this one? Motherfucker from the jump and shit off. Okay. So, so what's the problem? She won't, she she just keeps gaining weight. Bitch, we getting fat and all right. PHAT. All right. Am I in it? Am I in the club? No, you're not in it.

For a second. Because it makes her feel, yeah, jogging is terrible for your knees. So, you know, especially if you're a fat fuck, gonna hurt your feet. Not everybody likes to jog. There's other ways. But I mean, I don't know. Don't you think, okay, I'll play devil's advocate here. All right. You can't get what you get with somebody and you're in a particular way. You got to hover in that zone. Yeah. Okay. You can't get reality show fat on them. Reality show. I'm just saying, yeah, let me ask you this, Nia, at what point and remember how pasty I am. Yeah. All right. Oh, I remember staring at it every day. My big, I just start looking like a fucking snowman and then suddenly my gut, when you know, when it gets, it can't go out anymore and it starts to drop

and it starts hanging over your fucking junk a little bit. Well, you know, I mean, you can't tell me you're not going to be like going like, hey, they're a Michelin man. What are you doing over there? I'm the wrong person to ask because I've never had a problem with a little extra on a guy. I've never like thought it was like, oh, he's too fat for me or whatever. Like crazy obese, sure. That's what I'm saying. That guy's a little on the thicker side. I don't mind a little thickness to a guy. I think it's kind of nice. He's not saying that. I think that's where she started. And now on the thick side. And now she was a, she was a thickie that maybe could have taken a couple, you know, a couple laps around the block and he's still got with her and he's been with

her three years since. Like, is she eating by herself? Nia, he looked at her the way men, women look at men a lot of times. This is a fixer upper. And then he bought the house and all of a sudden, well, that's your problem. I've already, I've always, I've said it before on this podcast and I'll say it again, you don't fall in love with potential. It's a trap. All right, Nia, can you help the guy out? What am I supposed to say? Well, he always loves her. How does he go? Listen, Tubby, you know, can you fucking lay off the fucking strawberry shortcake here? Well, maybe let's see. What would I say? Uh, lead by example and be like, you know what? I want to be healthy. Like I want to cook healthy. Like I want to exercise more. Like,

what do you think? Do you want to do it with me? And that can be like a thing. No, that's how you do it. That's the best way to do it is to say, I think women are too smart. They'll see that. Are you saying I'm fat? Yeah, that's true. If I came up, you said, Hey, I've been thinking about eating some wrestle sprouts. You want to eat some wrestle sprouts with me? Yeah, I'd be like, what the fuck is that supposed to mean? You're saying I'm fat, you fucking bald red cunt. That's what would come out of your mouth. This guy obviously wants to be with this person, right? See, he writes it a little funny. Yeah, but read that last part again. I love her, but like say that again. Read that last part.

Okay, I love her, but I don't want to spend my early 30s miserable in a relationship with someone who doesn't want to take care of herself. Yeah. This is this fucking thing about people being fat fucks now and being proud of it. It's like you're killing yourself. You're going to die. You're not a doctor. You can't say that. You're not a doctor. You can't say that. You don't know like how I am not a doctor, but I can say that and I just did and I can say that because that's like me saying you smoke and cigarettes. You're going to get lung cancer. You're not a doctor. I can't say that. Well, yeah, no, of course, but like sometimes just the way your body looks doesn't determine your level of health. Does she not work out at all? That's what he's saying.

She's sitting there and she's eating and she's getting fatter and fatter. That's not fair to the other person. I know, but you know what? Sometimes it's not about the other person. Sometimes you're going through something. Sometimes you just want to fucking two years. Sometimes you don't want to think about dieting and exercising all the time and being caught in that circle of constantly like, I need to die. I need to exercise. I need to die. You need to learn how to eat. Well, maybe that's not something that she feels like doing right now. I feel like I'm talking about myself because I want to lose weight. I've been trying to lose this baby weight, but like I just sometimes you look great. This isn't about you. It's about this

person. I feel like it's about me because I don't feel like necessarily being on that goddamn hamster wheel. I want to go back to my trainer now that I've recovered from my hernia surgery. I'm going to get back into it, but like to think about eating healthy all the time and exercising all the time. Like sometimes you just don't fucking want to. Are you going to dump me? Are you going to like kick me to the curb? Who you? Yeah, do you realize how fucking insane you are right now? Like this was literally about another woman and you're fucking yelling at me like I said it. I'm trying to help this kid out so he can, he loves this woman and you know, it is, it's a good thing to lose weight. It's not good for you. Every five, every pound of fat is

100 miles of capillary. Somebody told me that one time. So every time you're hard piece. Somebody who? A doctor? Yes. I don't remember, but I was going to say somebody told me that one time. No, but the thing is, is you put that weight on and there's, there's more mass. Your body has to grow more capillaries because that part of you would die. It needs oxygen, oxygenated blood. I can't even say it, right? Oxygenate. Oxygen. That's a tough one. Oxygenated. Oh God, we had a kid. Oxygen. Wow. Hopefully she'll be smarter than us. Okay. Yeah, you can't just, so it has to grow that. So then that's an extra like, you know, it's like a paper route. There's an extra five customers every day. Nobody wants to be overweight. Okay. Everybody wants to be in shape. Everybody wants to look

at it. Can you, can you remove yourself from this? I can't. It's close to home. It's close to home. It's, it's hitting close to home. All right. Okay. Fair enough. All right. Well, you know what, buddy? I tried you. What would you do? I would buy a ukulele and I would write a silly song about how she needs to get in shape. No. And I would say that my dick wrote it. So they wouldn't be mad at me. Seriously though. I would tell her that, listen, I never told you this before. No, because when I go down on you now, I'm starting to get claustrophobic because I feel like the walls are closing in from both sides and from above. And I just, I feel like I can't breathe. Is

there a way? No, I don't know what I would say. It's a tough one. That's a tough one to answer. So you're beautiful. I love you. But if you don't hit the treadmill, I'm going to buy a human leash and start dragging around the block. I don't know. Do you want to do this yoga class with me after work? We could do couples yoga together. What? I feel like you have to, if you're gonna, Oh, that's what you said. I think you're asking me if I'm gonna go to fucking yoga class. No, we've been to yoga class together. But you have to, I think if you're, if you're really concerned about those seriously, you should suggest that you do stuff that's healthy together. Like let's cook meals together. Let's go to yoga class. I actually think like that's, that's, I feel like

that's the nicest way to do it without making the person feel like you're singling them out or, you know, why I think she put on stuff. So listen, I want to get into a really good shape. I feel like I'm not in the shape I want to be in. And I was, you know, when I was, I used to be in better shape before I met you, just make that shit up and say, because I used to go to the gym with a buddy mind. She's going to see through all of this. Yeah, you gotta, it's just got to be like, Hey, you want to make dinner together? Do you want to go to yoga class together? Just nice and easy. I am like the way you make me some healthy smoothies every morning, something like that, because I appreciate that, those healthy smoothies. Okay. Well, you know what, this is a tough one.

That's one of the hardest ones. Hey, hey, ladies, any ladies out there? Write in and how can a guy, or how would you tell? Yeah, how can a man tell a woman, you know, that he loves, he wants to stay with her, but she's putting on fucking weight, you know, and it's, he's, he's helping her out, Nia. I know, but he didn't fall in love with like her body, obviously, like he fell in love with something else about her. Yeah, you can't say that like, it's, if you fell in love with the guy, and then he puts on weight, and he's just pot smoking fucking guy, like there's ways that women can fall out of love with, with the guy that they fell in love with, because he's letting himself go, because he stopped going after it,

because he's partying too much. There's all the same. And putting on weight is in that. Okay. Like someone, like to fall in love with someone, and then a couple years later, they're like, literally twice the size that they are, that's, that's selfish behavior. But no, but, but the thing is, I don't feel like it's necessarily selfish. What else is going on in their life? Because maybe there's something that's leading to that extra eating or stress eating or whatever. Maybe there's something else going on. Can anybody just be a lazy fucking, they're just eating fucking Sundays? Of course. Why does it always have to be like, I get touched funny by my mailman. So now are you fucking cocoa Chris? Trying to be a good human being and seeing beyond

the superficial and to see what's in someone's heart and mind. You know what? That's probably right. My thing is I, I bury everything. So I just get up like a fucking robot. I mean, it's working for me, but I understand. I don't know. I, I had, I had, well, you know what I accomplished? I accomplished how difficult this is such a difficult thing to talk about, you know, and, you know, you know, bitches be getting fat. I don't know what to tell you. I'm joking. I'm joking. All right. There you go. Nia, I think you look beautiful. I've been trying to bang you for like a fucking since I came back from Europe, you know, tried all my smooth lines, you know, like, can you do something about this over here? I'll buy a little at a boy over

here. You've been, you've been grabbing me in restaurants and things like that. Even manhandling me, even coming up behind me in the kitchen, that type of thing. Yeah, I'll give it to you. Tell me, don't put yourself out. All right. You know, find it in your fucking heart. Why? According to you, I don't do anything. I just, apparently I just lie there and just take it and don't participate. I'm sorry. I believe you, you shit on me first. What do you mean? You criticized my performance first. I got defensive and I say that you're a fucking animal in bed. I never said that you weren't. All right. Well, there you go. Well, stop acting like I'm not fucking doing something for you. You are doing, you're doing a lot for me. Oh, Nia, you know

something. You know what? You're not as complex as you like to act. Okay. You don't think I'm running around in there, but I'm in there. I'm between those ears. Oh, yeah. Great comeback. All right, jerk face. Thanks for hanging out with me. Thanks for having me. Oh, we got to bring up William Stevenson. Oh, sad thing here. After all the laughs, another great comic, another great friend, and just somebody who I must have done. I feel like I did a million shows with William Stevenson unfortunately, he passed away, I believe was on Monday of this week. And I'm going to miss that guy. I just we used to have so many running jokes because we always used to do late night shows in New York City. And I remember that stupid McDonald's thing came up. I'm loving it. And we

would just come in and every time we would sing something different, but I'm fucking it or just something stupid. And it would just always make us laugh. We would always do it on like the third show when it was like half the fucking room was full. And you know what, I got to find it. I have a great picture of me and him back when I had hair and Greg Geraldo. You know, probably a sad photo, I guess I'm next on that photo. Jesus Christ. Well, that's how it works in here. You know, it's like a forest fire. Okay, you burned down a redhead and all some some brunettes grow. All right, so rest in peace, William. You're one of the greats and definitely going to miss you. And thank you to the comedy seller and all those clubs that I got to work with them in.

He was just with the he was the best host, you know, he used to host the shows. He was the fucking best. And I never heard him say a bad word about anybody. So and he was a hell of a musician to play the piano. I didn't know that. Oh, man, I got to know him when he was a guest on Tough Crowd quite a few times. He used to do but I didn't know that he played music too. Oh, yeah, he's Jeff Ross used to go on stage with them. And he would play this really cool, perfect accompanying music when Jeff used to do his poems. Right, right. You know, and he just it worked great. And they had so much fun together on stage, which is I got to be honest with you when I was watching bumping mics with with Jeff and David tell it reminded me of that. And I got

to tell you there's something about I don't know, there is something about that two comics going on stage, watching them have fun. And you end up seeing they see like I've never seen Dave like smile as much as that. It's been great to watch. So anyways, rest in peace. William Stevenson, another great comic gone. So anyways, that's that's the podcast. You guys have a great weekend. Enjoy the music and there'll be another half hour of a greatest hit Thursday afternoon, just before Friday, Monday morning podcast to follow us another 30 minutes. All right, that's it. Get the treadmill, you son of bitches. Hey, what's going on? It's bill Burr and it's the Monday morning podcast for Monday,

January 17, 2011 that I'm actually doing Tuesday morning, Tuesday fucking morning. And I know why a lot of you think I am. You probably thought I was grieving for an extra 24 hours because the Patriots lost to the fucking hated green cunt jets. Actually, no, I was in Atlantic City. I was in Atlantic City and, you know, I didn't bring the podcast all the fucking equipment back. I came into New York on fucking Tuesday. I didn't want to be lugging that shit around and then lug it down there. And like an asshole, I didn't realize I had a six o'clock in the evening flight. I'm kind of famous for that. I never know when my flights leave. I'm always like, yeah, I think I leave around 10 a.m. And then I find out at six a.m. as I'm sitting at a bar

drinking at three in the morning. And then I go, Oh fuck, well, there's no reason to go to bed now. Is there? Anyway, so let's let's get down to brass fucking tax here. This is going to kill me out of all the podcasts that I've done for the last. I'm just loving how excited the jets fans are right now. I know they're sitting there with their fucking ear cupped right up to the goddamn speaker, probably giving their fucking boss the finger. Fuck you, motherfucker. I was waiting all season for this. There's a big fucking crow laying on his plate. And I'm going to watch him eat every goddamn fucking bite and the feathers. Yeah, out of all the podcasts I've had to do, this is this is going to be one of the toughest ones, toughest things I'm ever going to have to say.

Congratulations to the New York Jets, their organization of their fans. You fucking deserved it. You went up there, you were talking shit, and you fucking won the game. And that's that's it. You won it. You won the fucking game. And this is what I think happened during the game. I thought both teams came out. There was so much fucking hype before that game. And I, as always, was nervous Nelly all week. You know, as much as much as I talk about the jets and shit, if you notice when they play the Patriots, I never claim that we're going to win. Remember that? Remember when the 45 to three game? Remember that before? And I was going, yeah, I got a bad, I got a bad feeling man. That's from being a Boston sports fan,

pre winning championships. I just always, I'm, I'm, I'm waiting for the misery. And I was getting into, and this is another thing that I didn't like. I didn't like that everyone was saying the Patriots were going to win. And everyone was saying that I got to the airport. You know, this is me going to New York and go to the airport. Patriots are on the cover of sports illustrated. And I know people go, Oh, the fucking jinks. You know, the sports illustrated jinx. You ever think that maybe they just don't know how to pick a winner? You ever think maybe that maybe that's their fucking problem? I saw that and then I was watching a little bit of ESPN. The only thing I liked was the jets were talking shit. And I was like, I hope they keep

doing this. Just keep doing this. And I hope they get off the plane wearing fatigues like the fucking Miami Hurricanes. That's what I was hoping, but I was talking to Verzi, my gambling buddy, and he was putting money on the Patriots. And when he saw when Rex Ryan said, you know, it's going to be me verse Bella check, he texts me and was going, dude, it's over. It's over. Why would he do that? That's the dumbest fucking thing to say. But blah, blah, blah, blah. And I don't know, you guys won't believe me if I tell you the whole week I was going, look, dude, our defense sucks. And I've been saying that all fucking year. He's going, no dude, dude, it's just like the giants when the giants went on their fucking run. No, it isn't. It isn't. And then he said something else.

He goes, well, don't worry. I go, dude, we let up like 24 to 26 points of fucking game for two thirds of the season. We're starting four fucking rookies. And he goes, yeah, but dude, dude, you scored like 35 points a game. And that, that's when my fucking, my heart sank into my stomach. And I was like, wow, he just described Dan Marino's career. How are we going to win the Super Bowl? We don't have a defense. Don't worry. We got Marino. Hey, Danny, why don't you go out and score 40 today? That only works in the regular season. So I was like, look, all they got to do if they establish the run were fucked, because they're going to chew up the clock and then Brady is not going to be on the field.

He can't hurt you if he's not on the field. So that's what I was worried about. I was hoping we were going to rape the jets, but I was worried that if they got their running game going, if LT started fucking running, we were going to be in trouble. Okay. Cause I didn't buy into the fucking hype where it's like, wow, this is what we did the last time. Yeah. But the time before, we lost. All right. It's not going to be lost 28 to 14, five fucking years ago. We lost like four months ago. So this is what I, this is honestly my heart of hearts, what I think happened. The Patriots came out and they picked up right where they let off and then Brady threw arguably the worst pass of his career. And I think the Patriots just got spooked. They got, they were

stunned. And then the jets got run the ball down, right? Down to like what? Like the 12 yard line. And then they came out like the fucking Keystone cops. That first series, Sanchez goes to hand off the ball and he trips his fucking running back. Then they ran a fucking, uh, I blocked so much of this game out because of the pain of watching the Patriots lose, but some sort of sweep and whoever was running it faked somebody out and then bumped into his own lineman and then they missed the field goal. And I was like, all right, the jets are tight. The jets are tight. They're fucking nervous. And then the Patriots came and I've really think though, because Brady had not fucked up since October, I think because of the hype of the game, they were like, Oh fuck,

not now, not to this team. And for the rest of the game, they were pressing and they went right down the fucking field. He throws a touchdown pass and the guy drops it. They get a field goal. And then I just feel like the rest of the game, they were playing in panic mode. Like they were up three to nothing and they were playing. Well, our defense sucks that they just, it sucks. But like the offense would come out and then the jets went up seven to three and the Patriots come out like they're down 28 to three. I just felt they never got into the rhythm. A lot of it was because the jets had a monster fucking pass rush, but I just, I just was like, you know, they fucking call the fake punt. Okay. So you drop a touchdown pass, you drop the fake punt,

you throw a first down to Dion Branch and he fucking drops it. It was like they would just, I just don't think they, they needed to go down on that first drive and score a touchdown. And the last thing they needed was Brady to throw a pick and they just never got go. We got going for half a second when we scored that touchdown and had the two point conversion and it was 14 to 11. And then then we had the momentum. We had a great and we fucking nailed the guy on the kickoff. And I'm like, okay, our defense has to pull one out of their ass here and fucking clamp them down. And we have to get the ball back. And it was a moment in the, that was the moment in the game. And fucking Mark Trent Dilfer Sanchez throws a fucking eight yard pass that turns into a 70 yard

fucking game. And that for me, that was fucking, that was it. That was it. Even though we scored that touchdown in the end, it just, it just wasn't our fucking day. Even when we do outside kicks and the fucking ball seem to be laying there for eight seconds. And we were running around. Where is it? I don't see a jet with it. I can't find it. Anyways, but congratulations to the Jets, man. You got to hand it to them, dude. They talked shit and they came in and they fucking won. But I got to be honest, it wasn't as amazing as everybody's making it out to be the same way the Patriots are not as amazing as they were made out to be going into this fucking game. And it's why I don't watch ESPN and I don't, I watched the game. I had the game on mute because I knew the game

was going to take seven years off my life unless it went like that 45 to three game, which to be honest, jet fans, I was still nervous when we were up like 28 to nothing. That's how bad our fucking defense was on that game. But like, I don't, I don't, I don't know. I guess because they're trying to get ratings, but I don't get how you go one in one during the regular season. And then whatever you did the last time, you try to act like that's who the fuck you are. And that's who the other guy is. Or like the Jets, like there's nothing to, I got to let emails from jet fans. This one guy goes, the dynasty is over. And it's like, dude, we haven't won a Super Bowl since 2004. It's been over for seven fucking years. The dynasty ended

when Teddy Bruce, he had that, that fucking mild stroke or seizure or whatever he had. That was the end of it. And then we, you know, we lost a few guys. We were never quite the same. But the thing is that's been the same has been Belichick and Brady. So people are acting like they're beating this Super Bowl team. This is the team that got raped by the Ravens last year, first round of the fucking playoffs. And you know, so I don't know. So whatever, congratulations. I still have yet to be proven wrong about the Jets though. Okay. If you guys remember, because people forget what I said, they said they were going to win the fucking Super Bowl and they talked all this fucking shit. All they have achieved at this point is getting back to the

game that they lost last year. So, but you know, whatever, my team's out of it. So I'm done being a cunt. So whatever, good luck, jet fans. You got a 42 year monkey on your back. I know what that's like times two plus fucking four years, two years, whatever was 86, 86 fucking years. So good luck to you. This is the thing. Let me give you the backstory. I was watching this game by myself at the Borgata in Atlantic City by myself with the mute on the game because I can't, when games are that big, I can't handle any sort of comment that I consider moronic because at one point Dion Branch caught a ball and he was all amped up and he was yelling over the jet sidelines and I unhit mute and I hear Phil Sims going, Dion Branch and he's yelling at Rex Ryan.

I don't know why he'd be doing that. Yeah, why would he, why would he, why would he yell at that guy who's been talking shit saying that the Brady, that the Brady, that the Patriots aren't a good team and people on that team are calling Brady an asshole. Yeah. Why do you think there would be some sort of chatter Phil Sims? Did you play your entire career with the Bose headphones on? You fucking drove me nuts. So I had fucking hit mute. I had to hit mute and ugh. It was fucking brutal and I was, and I texted Verzi at halftime. This was another turning point at halftime. Okay. First of all, what the fuck? We gave the goddamn jets the ball on our own 48 or 30 yard line four fucking times in the first half. The fact that we weren't down

like 28 to three at the half was a minor miracle and the defense actually was stepping up in that half. But you know, I knew it was going to come down to the fucking defense because I know a lot of Patriots fans think it was the fucking offense, but the offense is entitled to have a bad day to struggle every once in a fucking blue moon. Okay. That's when the defense has to step it up and we just did not have a defense that could do that. Okay. If the defense could have stepped it up and got some three and outs Brady and them, they would have got into a rhythm. We just couldn't get into a fucking rhythm because our defense has been like room temperature butter all fucking year. So anyways, when we got that personal foul call that undisciplined play that like the San Diego

Chargers would do back in the day, I was just like, I was, I, I hate to say it. I was like, this fucking game is over. You know, I still watched because I can't bail on my fucking team. I still watch, but I was just like, this fucking game is over. Like they have completely been rattled by the jets. They're completely out of their fucking game plan and they're playing like, like an inexperienced fucking team. And I texted Paul Verzi and I wrote, I fucking and then in capital letters told you, we had this big debate was working down the comedy cell of Friday and I get ready for my big shows with David tell Jim brew and Jim and Jim Norton down at the Borgata. So I didn't want to be the weak link on that fucking gigantic comedy show. So I was

doing my shit around the city and Verzi gave me a ride home and he was going, dude, it's going to be a bloodbath. I'm telling you, it's going to be a fucking bloodbath. And I was going, Paul, our defense sucks. All they got to do is run the ball. But that, you know what's funny is that didn't even need neither thing that we said happened. I thought the jets were really going to establish the fucking run and chew up the clock. That's what I thought was going to happen. And no way shape or form that I think Tom Brady was going to have that bad of a game. I mean, dude, they were fucking off. Did you see that one play where grunkowski, he's running a go pattern and Brady throws an out. It was just like, what,

what the fuck is going, they were completely rattled. And I don't know if I think it was the interception slash all the shit talking the jets were doing. I think that they wanted to beat them that fucking bad that when he fucked up with that fucking Jesus Christ, I mean, that, that thing was like, if Rex Grossman made us instructional video on how to throw whatever that pass was, it wasn't a fucking screen pass. I don't know what it was. It was just, uh, oh my God, it was just like, I'm going to be picked it off. And I was like, Oh, no. Oh, no, not now, not this week, not to this fucking team. So I have to go down. This is the funny thing. This is the funniest thing about all of this. I've talked so much shit about the

jets this year. Last week, the jets lose to the fucking Colts yet win the fucking game, which is why I think the Colts, the jets could win because when you win a championship, not only are you good, but you have that stepped in shit luck. The tuck rule. What the fuck was that, right? All right, fuck it. Give us the ball back. Yay, we win the helmet catch. You just and with the jets, you have the Colts calling timeout with 29 seconds left. You know, just in case we get the ball back with 5.5 seconds left. I think we'll call the timeout here and have mediocre mark Sanchez with the fucking deer in the headlights. Give him a nice minute to chill out, gather his thought and give Rex an opportunity to give him the next three plays so he can chill out next play 18 yard

completion game over. You got to have that stepped in shit luck. And I just feel like, I feel like the jets have that. They have that. Oh my God, we're going to lose this game. And then somebody hits somebody out of bounds for no fucking reason. Oh, wait a minute, we just got a first down. So I don't know. This should be a great fucking game this week. All right, and I love being a jet hater. I love that the jets beat Pittsburgh the last time and that the game is in Pittsburgh and that Paula Malau is playing this week. And and I love that ESPN will probably hype the shit out of the jets. That's what I'm hoping. That's what I'm hoping. So anyway, some sitting there. Let's get to the misery now. The misery of my fucking life that day. So I'm

sitting there. Okay. On one of the most unbelievable fucking weekends I've ever done in comedy, like I got to work with Jim Norton, Jim Brewer and David tell myself. We were all on the same show at the Borgata. We played a 2100 Cedar or 20, whatever the fucking big one. And we sold it out three fucking times. And I was just sitting there thinking like how fucking am I first of all, I had not seen Jim, let's let's go through the lineup here. I had not seen Jim Norton do stand up a headlining set since before the opiate Anthony virus tours. That's how fucking long it's been because me and him came up together. So when I started headlining, he started headlining. And he actually blew up before most of us from our graduating class, he got on the opiate Anthony

show, pre that whole scandal in the church, he was already headlining. So I never got to really I never got to work with him. So he was he opened the show. So and I and I was going on next. So I got to stand there every fucking night, watching him work, watching him switch some jokes around and absolutely killing. He was fucking hilarious. He's got this bit on that new show hoarders that fucking killed me every night. And it was it was fucking awesome because you know, I do the road, I do it, you know, when I go out, I go with Rose, I go with Verzi, but I don't get to work with any of my peers, like the guys that I started out with anymore. And then on top of that, then I had Brewer and a tell. And those were the guys when I came down from Boston, and I was this fucking nerd,

new comic, and I'd be in the back of the Boston Comedy Club with like my backpack. I swear to God, I had a backpack, right? Because I would walk around, you know, on the subway and I had all my shit in there, my comedy notebook, you know, just in case comedy inspiration hit me. I was a total fucking nerd. And I used to sit at the back of the Boston Comedy Club, which they should make a fucking movie about that place. It was the rawest, most intimidating fucking room I ever went into. I mean, in a lot of ways, it was worse. I did the Apollo one time. It was worse than that. Because the Apollo does this odd sort of no pressure because you're expecting to get booed. Still, you don't want to get booed. But if you get booed, I mean, the amount of people, they booed

like Lauren Hill, like famous superstars have gotten booed. So it's not that bad. But like, the way the Boston Comedy Club was run back in the day was completely opposite to all the other comedy clubs that I, at least in my experience, like this is how they would do it. They would, you know, if you came down and you were a new comic and they were going to put you on, they put you on early in the show. And they tried to, you know, assess where you were as a comedian by sticking you basically in the show where they figured your talents were at, which is, you know, if you're newer, they put you earlier in the show. The Boston Comedy Club, if you came down, they're like, Oh, yeah, your new comic, you want to go on? All right. They put

you on like three quarters through the show after like fucking Louis CK, Jim Brewer, Jay Moore had just leveled the fucking room. And then you, they, they, all right, you want to go on next, right? And you literally would feel like, you know, those Spike Lee movies where the, where the main character that he'd be focusing on is just standing there, but the background is like slowly pulling away. That's, that's what I would feel like. And I would immediately go from, you know, feeling like, you know, five foot 10 to feeling like I was like three foot 10. And I, it was fucking unbelievable. Oh, it was the worst. And then all comics hung out in the back and you were convinced that they all thought you sucked and they were all watching

you. It was, it was brutal. So anyway, so I got to work with those guys this weekend. And I'm sitting there like a fan all weekend and the crowds were amazing. And, but the whole weekend this fucking Jets Patriots game is looming. And I'm sitting here going, this fucking game can go either goddamn way. They won once, we won once. I don't know what the fuck everybody's talking about like this is going to be a cakewalk. Our defense sucks. All right. And I'm just sitting there at one point. It was actually last week when the Jets beat the Colts, I'm sitting there going like, you got to be fucking kidding me. I'm literally talking to the comedy gods going, what are the fucking odds that the team I've been talking shit about for the entire fucking

year is not only going to make the playoffs back into the fucking playoffs, lose a playoff game, but then fucking win the fucking thing. The next week, they're going to play my fucking team. All right. And I'm going to be in New Jersey. The fucking game is at four o'clock or 430, whatever the fuck it is. And I go on stage at eight in New Jersey in front of a bunch of fucking Jets fans. Why does this keep happening to me? It's un fucking. I can't, I can't explain it. I go down to Philly, all that fucking shit. I guess that had nothing to do about sports. Sports pulled me out of the mud down there. Another fucking time. I have a random weekend booked at Carolines, a random fucking weekend. They book it like six, seven, eight months out.

And lo and behold, the weekend I come in the first night I come in the night I fly in to do morning press. I flew in on like a fucking Thursday or Wednesday. I can't remember what the fucking Yankees win the World Series. And I'm staying in Times Square. I'm trying to sleep. And I can't cause all I hear is out in the fucking outside my hotel window. And I'm sitting there with pillows on each side of my fucking head. So now I'm sitting there and I'm going, this is classic my career. This is either going to be fucking amazing or an absolute goddamn debacle. And I was sitting in my fucking hotel room and Brady threw that pick and I was like, Oh my God. Oh my God, please no, please,

please don't. Not this week for the love of fucking God. Could you not? I'm trying to go a hundred days without boozing. Can you not do it this week? I know we're not good enough to win the Super Bowl this fucking year. I know we're going to lose in the playoffs, but can we just not lose to these fucking shit talking cunts? Please. Right. And then they fucking Keystone copped it and missed the field goal and we drove down the, and it just, it just, it just fucking unraveled. And the whole time I'm sitting there going, what is going to happen at my standup show? What, because I already have been walking around the casino that day and all I'm seeing is Jets

jerseys. I see a couple of, I mean, fucking Atlantic city, New Jersey. All right. The Eagles are not in the playoffs. There's no playoffs. There's no Eagles fans there. It's Jets fans. And I get this show to fucking do and I perform in an art where it's okay to yell, Hey, you fucking suck. You faggot. It's okay to do that. And I'm watching my team unravel and I'm just sitting there ironing my show shirt going. Not only do I got to do a podcast and eat fucking crow, I now have to go down and dance like a fucking monkey for a bunch of goddamn elated jet fans who are, who are probably going to be yelling J E T S Jets Jets Jets every time I'm trying to do a punchline. Why does this keep happening to me? Why couldn't I've been in fucking Ohio?

All right. So now it's seven 30. The game is basically fucking over. And then there's a knock on the door. It's security to bring me downstairs, which is absolutely fucking hilarious. Like, you know, like I need that, but you know, I'll feed my fucking ego and the door opens up and I was just like, I fucking knew it. I fucking knew it. I fucking called it that fucking versey cunt. He's not answering his fucking phone. I fucking told him. I fucking told him. I knew this was going to fucking happen. Right. And the guy takes me downstairs and I'm thinking, well, you know what's great about this shit is they're taking me the good fellas way so I can go down in the elevator. I'm in the catacombs

behind the fucking massive theater. I'll just sit there. I'll watch the final fucking minutes of the game, you know, because unlike those other fucking fair weather cunt fans who left Gillette stadium, you know, I'll get to that later, but there's a reason why they build stadiums as big as they do. It's for all the fair weather fucking fans. All right. And it's also why you should never be upset if somebody you love doesn't return a fucking fan letter because that's what fans are. That's what they are. You know, entertain me. I love you as long as you do what I want and then you don't. When you're down, I'm going to walk out on you and I'm guilty of it too. I've had plenty of fucking people that I've been fans of that went broke. I never sent him any goddamn money.

I just, I just talked to my friend, dude, what the fuck happened? What happened to Leaf Garrett? Leaf Garrett. So anyway, so I'm going down into the, uh, in there and I'm thinking, well, whatever, you know, what the, what the fuck? There's no way it's going to be worse than Philly. I just got to address it the second I go out there, right? So, but at least I can just have this moment of peace and fucking deal with the fact that what I kind of knew was going to happen was going to happen. I just didn't want it to happen to the Jets. So I'm fucking decompressing from that loss. I got to set it aside because now I have to go fucking out there and be danced like a goddamn clown. So as I'm sitting there watching the final fucking seconds of it,

all of a sudden I hear Jim Brewer coming down the fucking corridor, going, you fucking believe this shit, you fucking, it just keeps getting louder. I'm like, please don't walk into my dressing room. And he just comes walking in and he's like, oh, the fucking Patriots. He starts miming, jerking off in my face. And he goes, like he just blew a load in my face, right? He goes, fuck you motherfucker. Like I had been talking shit all weekend. It proceeds to start trashing me in the Patriots. And it was actually fucking hilarious because I saw in him, I saw me last year screaming about Peyton Manning because you only hear shit about your team, you know, you never hear anything fair and balanced. And he's sitting there. So I was going, oh,

Tom Brady, he's the greatest fucking quarterback ever. It was literally my rant from last year about Peyton Manning. So was I getting my just desserts? And I, he just kept trashing me. And then I said, like, I'll fuck you. You're still having one one since 1969. He goes, fuck you. You sound like a Yankee fan, faggot. And he's right in my face. I took a pounding from him. Classic jet fan though, didn't say shit before the game was all fucking nervous, just like every was everybody was admitted. I didn't get any emails from jet fans. And afterwards, you know, I only got a few and it was from the usual cunty ones that, you know, really need to go hug their dad or whatever. So then I'm sitting there going, oh my God.

And Norton came in and he was kind of fucking laughing. He goes, you bummed out. I go, yeah, I got, you know, I'm past it, dude, I got to do this. And I go, I go, there's gonna be a lot of jet fins out there, isn't there? Why, why comedy gods? Why did I have to be in Atlantic City? Why did I have to be working with Jim Brewer as much as I fucking love the guy? Why did I have to work, be working with the jet fan? You know why? Because I deserved it, because I've been talking shit all fucking year. I actually became what I didn't want to be, what I was trashing Rex Ryan for. So anyway, so now I'm standing out in the way of 20 fucking 100 people. So I'm peeking through the curtain, right? Like some fucking open miker who's never been on

stage before and I look in the front row and what do I see? I see like five jet jerseys, some fat fuck with the jets hat. I'm just going, oh God. Oh God, here we go. Here we go. God damn it. If I could clone myself right now and put a fucking, God damn, I'm doing stand up sport code on this person, I would. So Jimmy goes out there in all week. He just kept, he just kept getting funnier. It was really fucking awesome watching him and he actually took one joke that was killing in the end of a set. He put it in the beginning and it fucking just destroys and then he's just murder him. He murdered him twice Saturday night, but he's clearly just fucking taken it to another level and I'm just laughing going and Jimmy's going to have a set where I can't even follow

him. Really comedy gods. This is really going to fucking happen and I'm sitting there and then this is okay for all you comedians out there. I was like, all right, what do I got to do? How am I going to get out of this? What is the, I can't just go out there and start doing my fucking act and act like nothing's happening. I was thinking of going out there and the second they started yelling about the jets, I was going to be like, no, no, no, no, I'm taping the game. Don't tell me what happens. Don't tell me what happens, but that would be funny for like three fucking seconds. So I finally, it's just going like what I always do whenever I, before I'm going out on stage and I just don't feel like I'm going to have a good set and I don't feel like I'm funny. I just

said, what am I feeling? What am I thinking? I am thinking, fuck, I can't believe the Patriots lost and of all fucking states that I have to be and to watch them lose to the team that I hate the most right now. Why did I have to be in New Jersey? And I was literally like, there's your opener. That is your opener. And that's what I went out to and all the Jets fans were dying fucking laughing and then they left me alone. They didn't give a fuck. They were fucking elated. And although I couldn't, I couldn't slow down at any point during my set. Like the crowds were so great all weekend. Usually when you have a crowd that big, you can't really bring them down to try to build it back up again. You have to kind of just kill the whole time. I noticed you could bring them down,

which was so great the whole weekend. But, but during that set, every time I would bring it down, there would always be one guy, you're a fucking Jets. So, so I took my pounding. So there you go. Congratulations. Seriously. And I got it. I have to, I have to admit something too. I walked by, like, you know, when your team fucking loses a game like this, where you give a fuck like this, you cannot watch ESPN for a good three days. And I haven't been able to do that a lot this year. I couldn't do it when the Ravens raped us. I guess it was a year ago when the Ravens raped us last year in the playoffs playoffs. I didn't watch it for like three fucking days. When the Lakers beat us in game seven, you know, when they're a their 12th man came off the bench

with those striped shirts, they just started fucking calling files and technical files and all that shit. I'll never get over that, by the way. I didn't watch it for like fucking, I couldn't, I couldn't even watch TV because I live in Los Angeles. I had to close the windows. Lakers, Falker had to deal with that. And then this one, I've had three bad things come in threes, right people? I don't believe in that either. You just, you just start recounting after three. And this is one of them. I just turned, but I just could not watch. I still have not watched one second of ESPN. I flipped by real quick with the mute button on. And if there's a game on, I'll watch the game. But I walked by a TV and I saw Rex Ryan doing the press conference.

I only heard a couple of things he had, but he had a genuine look of joy in his face. And for half a second, I was actually somewhere in my jet hatin' mind happy for the guy. Like, ah, motherfucker. He did it. He fucking did it. That son of a bitch. You know, whatever. I may be a cunt, but I can't take it to the level of truly wishing that level of misery. You know, they haven't won it since 1969. I mean, be honest with yourselves. This is, I think when you, you realize if you're a problem fan, where you're taken to, to the point where you're really just it, like the point that I've taken it, um, where it's just no fun to be a sports fan. Will you literally take it to the point where you don't want, uh, like, I remember

like the, I probably aged like 11 years after the Red Sox won in 2004 every year, praying for the Yankees to never win another fucking World Series. Like that wasn't going to happen. You know, $200 million every fucking year on the table, you know, plus a fucking great organization. It's going to happen. Um, it's just too much fucking energy. So my team is out of it. I am done shit talking. And even if the jets fucking lose, I'm not going to do that to you because you beat my team and that, and that's, you know, that's a fucking bitch move. I'm not going to do it. So seriously from the bottom of my jet hating heart, congratulations to all you guys. You deserve it. Enjoy your fucking week and, uh, know this, that you guys next week now carry the pressure

of being the only thing that stands in the way of a date rapist possibly going on to win his third Super Bowl championship. Dude, Ben Rothless burger quietly, very quietly. I mean, date rape charges really drown out a lot of on the field success. Let's be fair. Very quietly, uh, could join the ranks of as far as I know, if he wins his third one, he's on the only, he's with Tom Brady and Troy Aikman. They're the only other guys who've won three, right? And then there's only two guys who won four is Montana and Bradshaw. Am I correct? Am I missing somebody? I thought Jim Plunkett for half a second, but that was Kenny Stabler and 77. So, uh, oh, let me tell judge fans, I gotta get, I gotta owe this to you guys. I gotta let you know all my misery. So at the end of the show,

the show fucking ends and, uh, it's the end of the week and, uh, I took a bunch of pictures with fucking jet fans wearing jerseys and, uh, it was actually, it was actually ended up being a good time, but the best thing was afterwards, you know, Norton and Natel left because, you know, they live in New York, they took off. Brewer was hanging with hanging with some friends. So I go back to my fucking room by myself, no security, no nothing, not like I needed it, but I walked back through the catacombs, the fucking good fellas way by myself, just thinking about the loss. All I hear is the sound of my shoes hitting the tile floor, walking to that service elevator that looks like shit because they, you know, they move furniture in it, went up to my floor,

went into this amazing suite that they had given me. By myself, I sat there, I ordered room service and by myself with the TV off and only one light on in silence, I ate a cheeseburger, some french fries, and I got, uh, some cheesecake for dessert. And I just sat there, I couldn't put the TV on and I just sat there in silence and then it hit me and I was like, oh my God, I have to do the podcast and relive this. So there you go. I hope you Jetfans deserved, not deserved, I hope you, you Jetfans enjoyed that and I apologize that I, when I got off the plane that I didn't come home, I didn't come right home and do a podcast, I could have, but I really wanted to make sure that I, I did it justice,

that I got a good night's sleep, I didn't want to do a lame podcast, that podcast last week sucked, I was getting ready to leave, it's the worst podcast I think I've ever done. And, uh, I wanted to make sure that I, you know, I tried to remember all of my misery because I really felt, you know, that's one of the joys of winning is when a loudmouth cunt from the other team, you know, they're miserable. So I, I hope I didn't leave any details out. I got a couple of emails, um, I don't know, but here's one that somebody said, there was a couple of things I thought was funny. Some guy, a Jet's fan who went up to, uh, Foxboro, oh, you know what, I, I have, I have a feeling, I'm just worried, I'm not going to end up talking about the amazing,

can I just talk about how great Atlantic city was and why you guys have to see this show? Because I think we're going to take it to Connecticut at one of the casinos up there. And even if we don't, if things don't work out, which I know they're going to, because it was a fucking, I want to thank everybody who came out to the shows. It was really a fucking event. Um, and I don't overhype shows that I'm on, but it was arguably one of the, the best comedy show easily that I've been on in the last fucking 10 years. And it's the strongest tour I've, I think I've ever been on. I mean, those opiate Anthony ones were fucking amazing. Those were amazing though,

especially that night in Philly. That's what's so funny about those fucking idiot Philly fans. If you saw the, you know, the lineup that night was Patrice O'Neill, Robert Kelly, Tracy Morgan, Ralphie May, Jim Norton, me, who else was out there? I'm going to forget Bob's set. It was fucking insane. It was like one of those rock and roll hall of fame shows where they bring out like fucking all these musicians and stick them on the stage. And then somehow it always sucks. Is it ever good when you have 58 guitarists and 19 drummers that never, it never sounds good. And then they always play like Mama Kin or some fucking standard, hail, hail, rock and roll or some stupid shit that they, this is the first show we played when we

were 16. Except it was actually a great show. But this is, so this would be the strongest one that I've been on since the ONA virus tour. And Opie and Anthony came down to it was fucking great. I was hanging out with both of them. Anthony is absolutely fucking hilarious and there needs to be a documentary made about people who played Blackjack. He came, he came in from playing Blackjack and he had sweat under his armpits like he had been playing full court basketball in a turtleneck sweater. It was awesome. And I went over, I watched him gamble and he was hilarious and he was cursing out this fucking retard who didn't know how to, didn't know how to gamble. He fucking hit on 17, went over and then the dealer got 21. And I swear to God, if Anthony

killed him right then and there, I would have, I would have become an accessory to murder. Not in that I would have helped him kill him, but I definitely would have helped to hide Anthony from the authorities. Do you mind if we come in Mr. Burr? Do you have a warrant? Yes, we do. Yeah, just stay out of the bedroom. It's not really cleaned up. Anyways, it was an unbelievable night and I don't know when we're going to do the show again, but I have to tell you if you get a chance to see any of those three fucking guys, like Jim Norton is the funniest I've ever fucking seen him. David Tell is a fucking beast. And Jim Brewer, I'm telling you, has one of the top 10 funniest fucking bits I've ever seen. Obviously, I'm not going to, you know, ruin what the fuck

it is, but it starts off, I was standing up watching him. And by the time he was done, I was slumped down. I mean, it's a fucking dirty casino rug. If I could have fucking been laying on the ground laughing, I would have, but I was actually, you know, I was crouching down. You ever see like when they gamble in China, you know how they crouch down? I was sort of sitting like that, but I was fucking dying, laughing, like lean sideways into the wall. This is how funny the joke was. I actually was downstairs in the green room at one point and called Nia while Jim was on stage and you could hear the show and I put the phone up to the bit and she was dying laughing. So if you guys get a chance to see any of them, go on their websites, go see them because it was

just a fucking unbelievable weekend and I really, really hope that we get to do it again. And I want to thank Jim Norton for putting the whole thing together. It's just a great idea and the fans were fucking amazing. They were quiet. They would laugh and then they would be quiet and let you set it up. I felt like I was working at the cellar, you know, or just a great comedy room, but it was this fucking 2,200 seater conference room. So I hope you guys all had a great time. I got ridiculous emails about people telling me how funny the show was and I got like three emails from people telling me that was the first comedy show they ever went to. Well, all I can say is you picked the fucking right one. So that's it. So I'll let you guys know when we're going to be doing

more. All right. So here's an email I got from a jet fan who went up to Gillette Stadium. All right. Pat fans are all scumbags who shop at LL Bean. Be honest, Patriot fans, if you really remove yourself from the situation and you go by a Patriot's tailgate, you know, you know, those fucking boots that are like, they're like leather on top, but they're made out of rubber on the bottom. Those boots are actually the shit. Yeah. We are a bunch of rubs. The same way if you go down to Giant Stadium, it's like the fucking Jersey Shore meets, you know, those arty lang looking guys, you know, and I'm not trashing arty lang because look at me. I am a pasty face, Mick from Boston.

That, you know, we really are the faces of our state. When I think of New Jersey, I definitely think of an arty lang type of a guy. And though when you think of Massachusetts, don't you think about some Conan O'Brien, Bill Burr looking fucking, hi, chit, chit, chit, chit, chit, chit, chit, chit, so I'm not going to lie with you and I'm not going to say that we aren't scumbags up there. We are. Dude, I got a system. Just got in from Foxborough. The experience was a good time. I expected some heckling going and made it out without getting hassled too hard. Overall was an awesome experience watching all Pat fans empty the stadium before the game was over. My section was packed with Jets fans, felt bad for the guy and his daughter who was surrounded

on every side, I guess by Jets fans. I'm not sure if it's Foxborough or NFL fans in general that are just degenerate scumbags since I've only been to the Meadowlands prior to this for NFL games, but here's a small list of shit I saw throughout the day. I saw a guy and his girlfriend get real racist with one Jets fan sitting in front of them. Yeah, that's Boston until he spit beer on the wrong group of people and it turned into a Pat's fan versus Pat's fan fight. You know how funny that is because I've always resented Gillette Stadium and the lighthouse and the way they paved over the scumbag experience that going to a Patriots game used to be over in Foxborough Stadium. I hated how when we became a championship team,

all those corporate seats and all those fucking white collar douchebags who started showing up, it was a fucking keg party from 1970 right through most of Bill Parcell's time. Not until we started winning championships and the shit started turning around that all of a sudden there was this expecting to win vibe and everybody started acting classy. The bottom line is no fans, no fans are classy unless you're winning. Then when you're winning, it's easy to be like, you know, they're just a bunch of classes, people, you know, what kind of behavior is that? It's like, dude, why don't you look into your fucking closet and remember how you acted? It's like Yankee fans. Remember that shit? There was always Red Sox fans or scumbags, we have no class

and blah, blah, blah, and this is all why the Yankees were winning. And then I remember when A-Rod slapped the ball out of, was it Bronson Royals? Glove and the call went against them for the first time in history. The Yankees got caught cheating, you know, after all the years of pulling home runs into the fucking stands and leaning into balls during a, when you're picked off, they've called, finally went against them and the Yankee fans, these classy fucking metropolitan we live in the Paris of United States littered the fucking field with fucking trash. All right, so there you go, sir. So yes, let me, let me just finish. He says, I saw a dude cut off an entire line of track it and throw beers at someone's car.

This is obviously after the game. Or maybe it was before the game, who knows. And when confronted, threatened the dude and said he was going to get his gat. And I also saw a bunch of douchebags on the way, on the way out on that shitty two lane highway. Guilty as charged. Route one, baby, spiking beers at people's cars in dead stop traffic. Looking to the Ford, looking forward to the podcast and gloating all week. Yeah, yeah, definitely. Yeah, no, if you go, if you go around the league, if you go around the league, yeah, sports fans are, if they're losing their, yeah, they are scumbags. No, but nobody's a good loser. You know, but there are definitely worse ones. And someone

actually asked me, because it was one Patriots fan, I like this guy, he was pissed at all the Pat's fans that left. And I know a lot of Jets fans are going, yeah, the fucking lame ass, fucking fans, it's, oh, fuck you, you green faggots, you do it too. Everybody does it. Everybody does it. And the only, those people who stay, those are diehard fans. And if you notice, it's like 26 fucking people. Okay, you know, those years when your team is like one in 15 and two in 14, and there's 26 people at the game. And you know, when your team is supposed to win some big playoff game, and then they, they fucking lose. And you're so embarrassed. And, but there's, and there's just that same 26 people. That's the diehard fan. And the only reason why they make

the stadiums that fucking big is for the good times when all the fair weather fags show up. That's why, that's why, and you, you saw how many diehard fucking Patriots fans they are. There's the same level of diehard jet fans. I'm telling you, with that little fireman walk out, he wouldn't. Would most jet fans walk out? Then that 45, be honest, you green cunts, 45 to three, drubbing. If that took place down in the Meadowlands, huh? I know, oh, dude, I would have stayed. Oh, I would have been there with the hero going, don't worry. I'm still here for you. You're full of shit. You're full of shit. You would have been out there on the fucking awful Jersey turnpike. You all would have left. I got so many emails of

people telling me they shut off the game and discussed all that type of shit. All right. So shut the fuck up. Most people are fair weather fucking fans. So, uh, you know, Pat fans don't suck. Pat fans are just a, they're an example of what, uh, most fans are. So I don't think you have any right getting mad at an athlete if he doesn't sign your autograph, sign you a fucking autograph, you know, because most of you, if they're down 45 to three or 28 fucking 21 down by seven on side kick, where the fuck were you? You're already on route one. So you have no right getting mad at him, but, uh, that's what sports fans do. They all suck. Look at all those giant fans getting mad. They have the nerve to get mad at Tom Coughlin and that and ask if he should be

removed. The guy's like two and a half years removed, three years removed from beating an undefeated 17 point favorite in the Super Bowl. And now everybody's acting like the game passed him by. Um, I don't know. So I know this has been pretty much all sports this week. It had to be. It had to be. Uh, but Patriot fans, okay. A lot of you are zoned out from watching ESPN and all the hype about this Patriots team. You got to understand what Bella check did this year is he's rebuilding a fucking monster. And the fact that we were able to get as far as we did with the team that we had, that awful fucking defense to somehow go 14 and fucking two, when you let up 24 fucking points, I can't wait to run into this fucking dickhead down at the comedy store. Another Patriots fan who

was, you know what I hate when, when you have a sports debate and somebody has a point, okay. And not only do they not wait for you to finish, they say their point and then they just keep repeating it. He goes, Patriots are going to win it, man. They're going to win the fucking Super Bowl. Bill, Bill Belichick has got these guys and I go, wait a minute, dude, wait a minute. They're letting up like their defense is like last in everything in the league. Three quarters of the season. He goes, stats don't mean nothing. Stats don't mean nothing. I'm like, dude, they're letting up 24 to 26. That don't mean nothing. Stats don't mean nothing. No, dude, stats don't mean everything. I love Peyton Manning. They don't mean everything. But,

you know, you can't ignore that. I can't wait to fucking run into that guy. I'm just going to walk up to him and be stats don't mean anything. Stats don't mean anything. And of course, he won't remember. And then I'll just look like a psycho. Is he drinking again? Speaking of which people, I am 93 fucking days, 93 fucking days into, uh, into this hundred day. John, I got seven. Oh, actually, I'm sorry. I'm 94 days to go. So next week, the Monday morning podcast, I will be 100 days in and I'm actually going to the Bruins LA Kings. So just in case you think I'm going to retire as a sports fan, uh, I'm not. I have an odd sense of fucking relief. I don't know. Maybe this podcast was like cathartic. I don't have no idea what and,

I don't know. I don't know. Am I going to be able to watch it next week? I think, I think Rex Ryan might be that guy. You know, when they say, I tell you, you hate him, but if he played for you, you fucking love him. You know, when they say it about Alf Samuelson and I say, no, no, I wouldn't, uh, there's something about Rex. He reminds me of all the meathead friends I had when we used to go out drinking when I was younger, you know, but he's very hard to like. He's very fucking hard to like, you know, he's fat and I was really, you know what it was about that guy? Did you guys, I don't know if it was me. Did you guys notice that he was losing weight rapidly the entire year because of that lap band surgery?

And then right after that Patriots loss, he kind of leveled off for half a second and maybe put on a few pounds. Did you notice that? Do you realize like the level of M&Ms that guy was eating, you know, after his, I don't know if I'll play him again, like that. He was trying to fucking calm down his mind. Um, that was one thing I was looking at. I was like, oh, I hope this guy is losing his fucking mind. And I just really don't want to lose to these guys. And we did and oh, it fucking hurt. It was like the end of Braveheart, except I did cry out. And I didn't yell freedom, but it definitely began with an F word. All right, there we go. That's the end of that bullshit. So let's get on with the, uh, the rest of the podcast people.

I am going to be in Arlington, Texas. Oh, how funny is this? I actually have an opportunity to go to the Super Bowl this year, which just changed drastically because the Jets won. Not that I don't have a ticket, but there's no fucking way I'm going to go there if the Jets are in it. Um, I actually, I might go because I think I'm gradually getting past this shit. You know, come on, Super Bowl and fucking Dallas, that'd be awesome. Um, and that's also, you know, if I'm back on the sauce, that could be a really good fucking time. You know, by the way, is that jet fan who's a fireman? Is he actually a fireman? And if he is, when exactly does he fight fires? Because he's on all the home and away games. How much money is he making as a firefighter that

he can afford to do that? Is it one of those gay things where he's literally the fucking team, the ownership or he's, he's one of our super fans and that he gets like free season tickets. Um, is he part of the 9-11 clause? Is that what it is? Because he has a fireman hat on that, you know, they're like, okay, well, we can't make this guy buy tickets. He's a firefighter. We all feel fucking horrific after 9-11. Let's fucking hook this guy up. That guy's like one of the luckiest sports fans ever. Although I do notice they always stick them down in the corner of the end zone. They don't quite hook them up on the 50 yard line, do they? Um, is he a fireman? I have no idea. I've been making fun of that guy all weekend. I do know that he's very close with

his boyfriend who puts him on his shoulders. I still maintain that jet fans. I will not back down on that. If that was my fucking son, don't you ever, ever put another man on your fucking shoulders with a fireman's hat. You understand me? If you had a fucking mustache, I would never talk to you again. Do you understand me? Huh? Hey, fucking talking to you. As long as you carry my fucking last name, all right? Now go to your room and think about it. Um, all right, let's try to get something out of here. Let's try to get something fucking going on about this. All right, where are we? Where are we? Oh, here's a revenge story. And this one's disgusting. All right, if there's any women actually still listening to this podcast after I did fucking an hour about a goddamn football

game. All right, revenge story. And I wrote gross in parentheses. Okay, I don't know if you still do those revenge stories anymore, but I thought I'd pass mine along anyway. All right, I had this roommate in college who would chew loudly. Oh, that's that was one of my big pet peeves in life. If you're a fucking adult and you eat with your mouth open, I really think I should be able to leak legally fucking stab you in the jugular with the utensil you're eating with. Be it a chopstick, a fork, a fucking spoon. I'll get a fucking spoon in there. I will. Butter knife slowly fucking saw my way into that. He would chew too loudly, scream into the phone when I was trying to watch TV, leave the toilet seat up when there were ladies over and generally gross out my girlfriend

with his caveman like habits. Between that and his constant messes. I was having to clean up. I got fed up after a while. Talking did nothing. So I had to get creative. Since we shared a bathroom, we also shared the toilet paper. All right, people, I'm giving you an opportunity to hit stop right now. All right, you can hit stop, you can hit pause, you can fast forward, it's probably going to take me another minute. Okay, have you done it? Because I'm going to start reading in three, two, I took the roll into my room, unraveled it. And with my girlfriend's assistant, drip some leftover jizz on it. Let me read that sentence again. I took a roll into my room unraveled it. And with my girlfriend's assistant, assistance, drip some leftover jizz on it. I made sure to space it out every few sheets

so that it was throughout the roll. And in a small enough quantity that wasn't obvious, just exactly how did you do that? Were you fucking choking your cock? Unchoking, choking, unchoking, choking. Is that what you were doing? Did you have a fucking turkey baster? This is disgusting. This is fucking disgusting. So you left a small enough quantity so it wasn't obvious. The satisfaction of knowing that when he wiped, he would be rubbing my semen into his ass made the annoying habits far less annoying. After that, whenever he would chew loudly or be annoying, my girl and I would think of what we'd done and just start laughing knowing that I had planted my seed inside of him, so to speak. I highly recommend this to anyone who has an

annoying roommate and has never been tested and has tested negative for HIV. Dude, that is fucking disgusting. First of all, how do you know when he went in there and wiped his ass? Why are you thinking he's sticking his finger up his ass? And what did you do when you went in and had to take a dump? You obviously brought in some different toilet paper. Did you have, like, your ear up to a glass waiting to hear the sound of fucking shit hitting the toilet water? And how did your girlfriend bring you to climax with that toilet paper right there? Did she just rub you out like it was a job? That's just fucking disgusting, man. That's really one of the creepier ones I've ever gotten. YouTube videos this week, I only have one of them because I seriously, like I said,

I was flying back from Atlantic City and I didn't have time to go through all the YouTube, so I apologize. I only have one, the left rights. I'm on crack. It's actually a really cool music video. Silly song. Maybe you can, that's just sort of one happy one. Let me do the, I got a couple of advice and then I'm going to tap out here. All right, advice. I know this girl, I've known her for a bit. We're friends. We've been for a while. Okay, now this one, you know how everybody always trashes me for the way I fucking read. I know I suck at reading, but I have to let you know this is all in lower case and there's absolutely no punctuation whatsoever. I don't know if this guy text message this or what, but this is not my fucking fault. Let me try my best to read this.

All right, Bill, I know this girl. I've known her for a bit and we're friends. No period. We've been for a while, comma, anyway, about a month ago, I asked her out on a date and she said, yes, comma, continuing the sentence. He doesn't have periods. He just has commas lower case. I took her out and we had fun. No period. We talked shit was hunky dory. No comma. We kissed it. No period. It was awesome. First date. It was an awesome first date. Hey, there's a period. No capital letter. Then I barely fucking heard from her. No period. I was running around like a fucking jackass. No period. Just trying to talk to her. I'm sorry. I guess it keeps going. Just trying to talk to her and when we would talk, it was fine. There's a period. I was beating myself up

going crazy. No period. I was some piece of shit. Anyway, I pulled myself together and I asked her out again. She once again said, yes, awesome, right? Well, not your fucking lack of punctuation. That's not awesome. So we go out again, went cool again. I didn't kiss her this time. I don't know. It was just off. But anyway, comma, that was no punctuation and all of that. You fucking dick. Once again, I was fucking. Once again, I fucking didn't hear a thing. So I said, fuck it. I don't need this right now. And we just went back to being friends. Never talked about it. Just let it lay. I'm fucking seeing double at this point. Anyway, lately, I've been talking to her a lot. Like I said, like I said, we're friends, but she's very clearly been flirting with me. And I honestly

have been flirting back. I still like the girl. No period. No nothing. But I just don't know if it's worth it. You know, period. No question mark. She's got a lot of drama. She's one of these girls that gets drunk at a party and cries, then ask people if she's pretty, which she really fucking is like really hot dot dot dot dot dot. But I do like her. I just don't know if I should put myself through this shit again. What do you think, Bill? I legitimately legitimately would like your advice slash opinion. Okay, the first thing I would do I get some sort of spell check. I would get some sort of phonics or some sort of shit to teach you how to write. All right, people, I know I suck at reading out loud, but can you do me a fucking solid?

I'm not reading any more fucking emails that are like this. All right, because this is literally, I'm starting to lose my fucking eyesight. So what do I think? Yeah, okay, this is what I think. I think you should definitely not get into a relationship with this girl. This girl is a fucking nightmare. All right, there's all kinds of red flags. I don't know what happened to her. And I can tell you right now, you don't want to find out what's happening to her. What happened to her? You don't want to find out in that you don't want to have feelings for this girl. All right. And when the other fucking bag of shit hits the floor and your heart is underneath it, you don't, you don't, you don't let a girl like this break your heart. All right, you can see it

from a mile away. She is a fucking mess. All right, there's plenty of great girls out there. You're a young guy. Go find one. All right, find a girl, you know, make a list of shit. All right. One of the big things, if you want to find a really good girl is find one who has a great relationship with her parents. Hopefully they're still together. All right, that's another good thing. Start with that. But if they're sitting there, they got low self-esteem issues, you're going to kill a decade of your fucking life trying to build them up. And you know what it's going to be? It's going to be fucking exhausting. All right. And then because she doesn't think she's pretty, she might act out sexually for some sort of, you know, I don't know, like, geez, I just

really have an hour and six minutes in here. Just, you know, some sort of affirmation that she is pretty. Okay. So what do I think you should do? All right. Well, if you're a well adjusted guy, you'll just walk away from the situation and say that I'm not going to just bang her and use that as a fucking notch on my bed post to make my ego feel good. And I'm not going to hurt this person. But if you're how most people are your age, I would just say bang her and then I don't know, it's going to be ugly. If you want to bang this girl, I got to tell you, don't let your heart get involved and I don't know. Not having seen her, not seen how hot she is and being older and more mature, I would say just walk away and go find some well adjusted hottie.

That's unless you just want to bang somebody. But then you can do that. You know what is about this thing? You know, I don't like there's too much fucking history. You got to be able to leave. You got to be able to fucking go out the side door. If you're just going to bang somebody, you can't have this. Well, we were friends at first and then it became romantic. Then we went back to being friends and then we fucked. It's just a fucking nightmare. I'd find someone else to fuck. But if you don't give a shit, yeah, I'd bang her. But by no means don't develop any sort of feelings for her. All right, there you go. There's my advice. I'm going to do one more and then that's it. All right, this one has punctuation. So if I fuck up, this one is on me. Hey, Bill, first of all,

if I want to thank you for your breakup advice, I listened to, I think this is just a thank you here. I listened to the podcast a few weeks ago and heard this guy's story about getting dumped on Christmas Eve. Oddly enough, I was also at the end of a relationship with a girl who had, who had had a kid. She waited until a week after New Year's when I was out of town, center flowers, because I could tell something was off. Something was up, I mean, and I had been gone a lot recently. She called when I got off work and confirmed my suspicion. I don't need to get into all that shit. It happened and the point is I just listened to your podcast after it all happened and decided that's how it had to be. No point in screwing anything else up in my life.

No, no point in worrying about anything. Get back to the gym and focus on finishing school in my career. That's right. There you go. There you go. That's a great fucking move. That's a self-esteem move right there. You're going to find somebody else. You're going to get somebody better. Go get in great shape and get your career going. Phenomenal fucking move. Thanks for the words of encouragement. I think they did some good. Big fan man. I bought you a DVD and I'll continue support of the podcast. Well, thank you very much. I appreciate that. And thank you to everyone who's been listening to my podcast. And once again, congratulations to the Jets, their organization, and the fans. You deserved it. You went into our stadium. You kicked our ass to the point that

all, you saw how many true Patriot fans there fucking are. But there are just as many true Jets fans. Be honest with yourselves. Be honest with yourselves when they suck. Do you watch them? Do you think I watched a Celtic game from like 2002 to 2006? I didn't. All right. I jumped right back on that bandwagon. I am a Die Hard Bruin fan. Die Hard Patriot fan. I was a Die Hard Red Sox fan. But you know what happened was they won the World Series. And I felt like a degenerate gambler who finally made a big score. And I just walked away from the table. And I was like, that's it. I'm up. I'm buying my little fucking houseboat. I'm going to throw down the anchor and drink pina coladas the rest of my life. See you later. Thanks for the memories. And I haven't been able

to get back into them since I got to be honest with you. And who else is left? And the Celtics. The Celtics I got back into the Celtics. You know, I'm not a big basketball fan. I'm not a big professional basketball fan for the simple fact that the final three minutes takes two hours and 17 minutes. I don't like how they travel. And that's all they travel all the time. All the fucking time when I watch an NBA game. That's all I do is I just sit there watching both teams, even my team. And I just go travel. How do they not set the fuck the guy fucking took that was three and a half steps travel. That that's you know, I'm just not into it. But I do like it when the Celtics and the Lakers are good. That's when it's great. That's the rivalry.

I like fucking watching the same way it sucks. If the Canadians are awesome and the Bruins are bad. Or the other way around. I don't want the Canadians to suck. I want them to be awesome. The Bruins to be awesome. I like to fucking colliding. And that's it. And Patriots fans, keep your fucking heads up. Especially the 26th of you who actually stuck around to the end of the fucking game. All right, keep your heads up. Bill Belichick is fucking the best goddamn coach. And you know, what he did starting four rookies on defense, what he did this year was fucking phenomenal. We laid an egg in the worst possible time. But you know, don't be a do should put your pats gear away for the fucking year. All right, don't be like that. Don't be like or be

like that who gives a fuck you think these athletes give a shit about you. You know, you think they're not going to walk by in a fucking airport with their fucking $10,000 headphones on. Actually, they're not even going to walk by on the head at the fucking airport because they got their own goddamn plane. Oh, Jesus, you know, this podcast could really be endless because I never run out of shit to bitch about. That's a podcast for this week. That's it. I will talk to you next week. God bless all he is even the jet fans, you fucking green cunts and everybody go fuck yourselves. I'll see you.