Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 1-19-17

Episode Date: January 19, 2017

Bill rambles about Wheel Of Fortune, Joe Louis Arena and crushing your vitals.

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I'm just checking in on you I'm just checking in on your week How's it going? How are you? Slugging your way through another one Settling in to 2017 Has it been everything that you expected so far? Are you still going to the gym? Have you just, have you, are you sticking with your

I'm not going to take the bait You know, with your, whatever the fuck you're dating Whatever you're into Whatever you have let into your fucking apartment Be it a flat, a one bedroom, a fucking studio I mean Or a fucking, maybe a little house You know, that's one of the top reasons people get a house It's because they fall in love with somebody

And the only way to keep it going Is there has to be another room for you to walk into You know? There has to be a door that you can walk through and close So you just can't see the person, even if you can hear them You just need that space That's what it is Which really shows you what cunts

Super rich people are considering they have a fucking mansion You know? And it's still not a, it's still not enough room for them to get away They get divorced left and right You know what it is, is they go into another room, right? And, but there's always somebody in there Somebody dusting off a vase or some shit So you can't just have that alone time

To just go in there and just sort of yell, whisper Fucking God Right? You can't do it I wonder if your spouse ever saw your boyfriend, girlfriend Whatever the fuck it is you were into Ever saw a highlight reel of the shit that you said When you got into your car after a fucking disagreement It would either be the funniest shit

I think with me and my wife would be fucking hilarious I think her shit about me would be hilarious, mine wouldn't be You know? You know, because I'm angry, because I'm the guy Because we're always wrong, you know? According to those Dr. Phil shows We don't have a fucking leg to stand on Anyway, speaking of which

You know what I gotta admit I actually watched three days in a row of Wheel of Fortune And I missed it last night and I was actually upset I think I'm actually gonna put that on my DVR to record the show There's just something so mindlessly fun about that show Where you just sit there and you try to yell the letters with them Tea!

There's one tea In Jeopardy, I'm telling you right now I'm so sick of people thinking that people in Jeopardy are fucking smart Those people are nerds, okay? They're book smart Nobody, I've never seen one person on that show Look like they have any sort of a vision Okay, you give them a fucking book, yeah They're gonna read it in a day

They're gonna retain 80% of the information And then someday, you know, at a cocktail party Or a game show, they're gonna puke it up when you fucking go Hey, what's the capital of fucking Tanzania, that's even a country They'll fucking tell you what it is and what the state bird is You know what I mean? They know some shit about classical music They know all this fucking trivial, it's trivial shit

To be honest with you It's just shit, you know The only purpose for knowing like 90% of the shit that they have on that show If you really think about it, it just doesn't help you in your life You know? Depending on what you look at it do, I mean if you want to make like a zillion dollars Like knowing all that shit does not help you Like wow, this guy knows, or this woman knows a lot of shit

Yeah, about what? What do you know about fucking Baroque music? You know, you good at crossword puzzles I'm telling you You gotta have a different kind of smart You gotta have Donald Trump intelligence, okay And what you need to learn how to do is you have to learn how to mobilize morons You know?

And I'm not saying just because you voted for Donald Trump you're a moron But you know what I mean, I'm talking about I'm talking about the kinds of people that would be excited if like Mayweather fought Conor McGregor You know? Not seeing that for what the fuck it's gonna be Which is basically about 12 people vacuuming a hundred dollars out of a zillion people's pockets Why would you want to see that? It's like, that is a loose, loose, right?

If they have that fight and it's gonna be boxing only It's gonna, it's over If it's gonna be MMA rules Mayweather's gonna lose It's gonna be over in two seconds It's the stupidest fucking thing You know what it goes back to? It goes back, like that fight

If that happens will be no different than when fucking Bobby Riggs played tennis against Billie Jean King At least he was a fucking tennis player You know? I would say it'd be more like when Muhammad Ali fought Lael Alzado That's not fair Somebody compared to when Muhammad Ali fought like the best Japanese wrestler in like 1976 Now I'm assuming it was actually real wrestling and not like the fake shit Where they still fucking break their necks

But you know what I mean? The predetermined Was it Bobby Riggs? I think that was the guy's name I mean fucking played tennis against Billie Jean King You know what's so fucking pathetic about that Is that was considered a big victory for women That the best tennis, female tennis player, inner fucking prime beat like a fucking 57 year old former champion

It's the thing though He was winning games He actually didn't do that bad And then years later There was stuff that came out said he was a degenerate gambler And that he possibly, you know, could have placed a bet on Billie Jean King Made it look good for a minute and then fucking, I don't know what So one is, yeah, buddy mine was talking about that

You see that, you know, Dana White offering both 25 million bucks Of course he did Of course he did Because he's gonna find 50 million fucking idiots to give him 100 bucks Um Anyways, yeah, what would you, you know, would you want to see a baker get involved in a cooking contest with Okay, we're gonna smoke meat today We got a champion guy fucking

He's won every smoking the meat comp fucking contest He's going against the guy who makes cupcakes They're both in the kitchen They're both making food Well, I guess the other guy's outside You know what I mean? It's just two completely different fucking things Alright

Anyways, and that's what Donald Trump did Donald Trump was able to fucking do that He got enough of them together And that's what you need to do, alright And I'll tell you right now I haven't yet to see a contestant on Jeopardy Who could even remotely get the mouth breathers To get the fucking herd moving towards whatever cliff

You'd want them to fucking topple over They don't have it, you know, just sitting there going like You know, I'll take, I don't know I'll take ancient Indian Construction for $700 This structure was one of the most popular In the 60s What is a wigwam?

Let me get door hinges From Switzerland Circa of Jesus Christ's 32nd birthday For $200 You're not gonna fucking get anywhere Or maybe I'm just insecure when I watch it Alright, let's get, maybe we're getting to the real shit here By the way, I have the Boston Detroit game on

In the fucking background You know what's hilarious is they just showed a skyline And I think I saw the casino I played Right across the fucking way You know, we had just into Canada You know Jesus Christ, the Bruins play on the island It's holy shit, what a shit show that was

It was one of the worst games I've seen them play in a long, long fucking time Got smoked four to nothing And now I'm watching the Red Wings And all of a sudden they come out, they're ready to play And you gotta ask yourself, where is this night in and night out? I also didn't know, they're tearing down Joe Louis Arena They're saying this is the last Bruins regular season game ever Against the Red Wings here at Joe Louis Arena

You know what, I got a chance to go to that one I went to, believe it or not, I went to a Red Wings-Penguins game In, I don't know how many years ago And I quickly learned that you have to sit back In that stadium, if you fucking lean forward Then everyone behind you has to lean forward Like there was all these fucking rules But because I'm a considerate cunt

I was able to figure it out by halfway, you know, halfway through the first period You know, people screaming at me from behind I was like, alright, I get this shit, I get it But it's just one of these fucked up arenas where you can't even stand up If you stand up and applaud the play, half your head is blocking the TV screen Or whatever, the TV camera But anyways, I want to say this will be their third This is the second one they're going to get rid of

And then the next one will be their third They played it, what, was it Olympia or something like that? Which I have no recollection of, really I don't think, I think the first time I really remember watching the fucking Red Wings was the early 80s And I think in the late 70s they got rid of that one Oh, see, this is some, this right here This is some shit on Jeopardy I'll take arenas, former arenas that sports franchises played in

What is County Stadium? Excellent! What does that get you in life, huh? You know what it gets you, it gets you sitting in your fucking pajamas doing a goddamn podcast Thursday morning That's where it gets you So anyways, I haven't been doing shit, no kid yet So, you know, we're coming right up on going full term So I think, you know, we're going to have to induce or something like that

But either way, most likely, you know, barring some sort of like a miracle I should be a dad next week, I think it finally goes down that Alright, and then my whole perspective changes What are you guys going to do if I really, you know, there's some people that have kids, they don't fucking change at all And then there's other people that have kids, they change Which I think you should, right? But what do you guys do if I just fuck, if I go off the fucking rails? You know, I stop cursing, I stop saying cunt

You know what I mean? I find God, I reevaluate everything that fucking remotely makes me funny Nothing, nothing For a third time, nothing Robbs you of all your humor, like finding your savior You know what I mean? All of a sudden, you give a shit about people You know, you have empathy

You put yourself in other people's position Which is also known as empathy Now, I've seen it, I've seen it in the past I've seen, I've just seen two, I've seen musicians I've seen comedians, I've seen all of that They find God, they get away from what the fuck got you Got you to the goddamn deads Alright?

It ain't happening with me I'm calling it right now What do you think I'm, you think I'm going to start reading? I will read what I've become a dad You know, I'm going to read these kids books, which evidently I don't even get I guess that Caterpillar one's a classic book I never saw, I never saw that one When I was a kid, I liked to make way for ducklings

I liked where the wild things are And that was it, that was the two books I liked And other than that, I liked fucking football cards And not doing my homework That's what I enjoyed Hey dad, what did you enjoy most about your childhood? Blowing off the assignment And the challenge of pretending that I did it

The next day in class, that's what I remember enjoying the most I like drawing on desks Getting in trouble Going down to the principal's office with a friend Was always fun By yourself was a lonely experience You know, sitting on that bench waiting to go in there William

Come on in for a second Mrs. Roustabout Said that you had fucking to do all that shit You just, you just stand there going like Like, why are you talking to me like I can actually plead my case And you're going to be on my fucking side Oh, I didn't look at it that way Every day only the teacher was wrong

Just give me the fucking detention, you fucking cunt You know what's funny, when I really look back The principal, vice principal in my school He's the guy who used to dole out the punishment He used to dress like the geek squad guys Who, upon seeing hidden figures Dressed like he worked at NASA I don't fucking know

Anyways, what am I talking about here? Let's plow ahead Oh, we got some football this weekend You know what, one of the dangerous things to do When you're watching NFL playoffs Is not to realize while you're watching it That the NFL season is almost over You're so fucking excited that it's the playoffs

Who's going to win? I said this, I said that, dude, I called it I got, I fucking put my kids' college education On the Pittsburgh Steelers with the point Fucking cunt 42 Detroit, I mean 42 Bruins God damn it, we needed to get that next one Coming out of the second period

You know, I swear to God With fucking hockey nowadays The second they got rid of the red line There's no lead that's safe Back in the day, you went up three goals The fucking game was over There was going to be like a fucking bench clear and brawl Because the other team knew that they weren't going to win

Right? So they said, well, if we're not going to beat you We'll beat the shit out of you And that was hockey That was the hockey that I remembered Now you go up three to nothing And it's, you know, forget it You can go up three to nothing

And you go into the third period You can still be going into overtime So it was three nothing Bruins Then three to one, then four to one And now it's four to two Jesus Christ Anyways You know something?

I've been meditating so much I've just been consistently Not by a lot That actually losing my shit Now feels weird It just felt weird to scream Fucking cunt there I wasn't really mad

I was just upset Why don't those two things the same thing, Bill? You know what? Yeah, go fuck yourself Anyways Anyway, yeah So you're watching the NFL playoffs And you forget

Because you're so fucking excited That it's the playoffs And you're going to get to see somebody, you know The best teams play each other Next thing you know, it's the Super Bowl And you get your first taste Of no fucking football When there's that break

For whatever fucking reason Between the NFC and AFC games Championship games and the Super Bowl You get that first Sunday that comes by You know, back in the day They used to give you the Pro Bowl There you go, fuckos, right? There's 22 people not really trying

And that was your first hint of Oh, wait a minute They're going to play the fucking Super Bowl And then I have to sit here For another six months With no fucking football So, what I'm saying is Try to enjoy it

There's only three football games Left in the year You know, I'm not trying to I'm actually raining on the fucking parade here But that's something I always forget Then all of a sudden the Super Bowl's over And then, you know, you're not even thinking Oh, I can't believe this team beat that team

Or this team lost, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah And then next Sunday comes along And you're sitting there on your front porch Waiting for your absentee father to show up And he ain't coming He's not coming to the end of the summer You're going to grow six inches And he's finally going to show up

Hey, what's up, sport? How you been? How the fuck are you been? Anyways, let me read a little bit of Advertising here for this week As it rained again last night Rain pretty much all night long Which is great, man

We're just getting a ton of fucking rain out here But I don't subscribe to that fucking Lunacy that the drought is over Yeah, in the near future it is Put it in the fucking net, you cunt Here come the goddamn breadwinks You can feel it I'll tell you right now

The next goal is the most important goal this game It's different between five to two or four to three Give it one team hope I'll put the game away Alright, let's read a little bit of Advertising here Oh, but do do do me undies Me undies play in the fucking red wings But do do do me undies me undies

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Considering the Federal Reserve is not a It's a private corporation Here's my question Where does the money Where does your tax dollars go? Your federal income tax dollars That goes to the Federal Reserve What do they spend that money on?

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You know what I mean? Where the fuck does that money go? And if you're at the top Of the fucking Federal Reserve Why would you pay taxes? What are you gonna fucking investigate yourself? Do you know any money made past 11 million? Alright

Say you're really fucking successful You come up with some sort of app You know? You were smart enough not to go on Shark Tank So they didn't buy it off you for fucking $30 You know? You retain the money You're like that Facebook guy

Right? That little fucking cunt You know? We stole the idea from all these fucking Harvard people Who probably I don't know They're making money in oil in Iraq now You know all those Harvard people If they don't end up like

Being comedy writers They just kind of go around the world Doing horrible things, don't they? Isn't that what all Ivy League people do? They start managing a firm That fucking cuts down the Amazon Oh This is just sour grapes

From someone who couldn't even go to a community college What was I saying? Yeah, like What do they use that money for? If the Federal Reserve is in fact A private corporation You give them the fucking money Where the fuck does it go?

So I was gonna say So after any money you make after 11 million dollars That money you already paid taxes on That you then should just be able to give to your kids And they should just sit around getting a drug habit You know, if you make over 11 million bucks If you give it to them You then have to

Your kids have to pay 45% tax to the fucking IRS Which means any sort of sizable fortune Okay? The IRS gets 45% of that Every fucking sizable fortune A-Rod Huh? Kevin Durant, 190 million

Provided, you know, they don't blow their money Which is something to be said So this is what you should do You should just go out and blow your fucking cash But don't fucking blow it on stuff Just go around to regular people and give it to them There's gotta be a way to turn it around Ah, you can't do that

You can't give mouth breathers that kind of money Actually, maybe you could Then they get these psycho Fuck you Oh, nice save Nice save Fuck! You didn't save it

Four to three Ah, Jesus Christ Ah, Jesus How much of the Red Wing fans enjoyed this? Because you know the fucking outcome of this game, aren't you? Huh? Are we really gonna blow a three-nothing elite In the first fucking period?

Is that what we're gonna do? Ah, that's great Everybody fucking go behind in that Go for the puck That looks like me playing pickup hockey I'm a puck-chasing jackass I have not played hockey in like well over a year I didn't play once last year

I got hockey stuff Just sitting in my goddamn bag I was supposed to play last week Yeah, it's just fucking... Anyways Movement watches everybody Oh, I was gonna say, yeah If you gave every...

If every fucking... Like say that Facebook cunt, right? Just kind of gives away his money Just to regular people What would be great about that Is that the first thing I would immediately do Is I would invest in whatever companies Make four-wheelers, right?

Jacuzzi's, jet skis Like the average fucking guy Who wins the lottery I mean that's what they're gonna buy You're gonna get a Jacuzzi You're gonna get a jet ski And you're gonna get a four-wheeler Alright?

Then what else are they gonna do? They're gonna have that I don't know what the fuck To buy a George Foreman grill I have no idea But the three out of four of those Will hit in the stock market Alright?

Then you get all these cunts out there Okay? They're not gonna have to work Which means they're gonna be drunk And they're gonna get on these four-wheelers They're gonna tip over And they're gonna crush Their ribs will crush their vitals

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Alright, plus if I drag out this podcast a little longer Maybe you can listen to my fucking Bruins lose Come on, yeah Alright, here we go Bring it over the blue line And what are we gonna do? Yeah, the puck's taken away You know, it's really hard

Even if you know the names of the players in your teams Hocking moves so fucking fast To sit here and try to announce what is going on And then to try to know all these goddamn names I mean, I don't even know what countries have For these fucking people come from All I know is they have like the, you know Whatever their wheel of fortune is over there

I don't think anybody's buying any vowels And I think, you know, over here we're always like Give me an S, let me see a T Over there it's like, give me an H Give me a Z Like their fucking name Like the first three letters would be like C-H-Z It's like, I'm supposed to read that?

Yeah, Bill, you are You're supposed to have a name like yours Bill or fucking Larry Excuse them for having a culture I don't give a shit that there's foreigners In the national hockey league that was starting in Canada You know, the goddamn league was started by foreigners Okay, and you know

Being a Trump supporter, I never thought the NHL Should have been allowed to come into the United States of America Come on, back in Fuck! Yeah, I don't think that they should have been allowed to come in here You know, and I hope when Donald Trump is done Making that wall between here and Mexico He then makes one between here and Canada

So these goddamn foreigners can stop coming down here And they're skates entertaining mouth breathers Like myself, because I've had it, you know That should be me out there on the ice They took my job Frame bridge, everyone Are your walls empty? Is your life empty?

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xxx.com to get your $200 I must say burr I don't know, I don't know what that fucking website is I have no fucking idea, simply safe everybody Simply safe everybody, figure it out for yourself I've been telling you about the time I bought a safe like ten fucking years ago You know I bought a safe cause I had like you know

Moved out and all that shit, well shit moved out It moved out for ten years and somebody had me all fucking paranoid You know, that if I lost my birth certificate, my passport You know, I'd done my first stand-up special And I had the original like whatever the master copy of it And basically if that thing was gone I was afraid I was fucked Oh no, break away They scored

Four to four It was three to nothing, then it was three to one, then it was four to one Then it was four to two, then it was four to three, then it was four to four These fucking cons has scored three goals, we haven't scored anything How does this even happen? Oh yeah, our defenseman falls down Yeah, that'll do it I gotta tell you kids, one of the big things you wanna avoid

When you're playing team hockey, it's the fucking, we just fell down That's alright, that's alright, alright, anyways So I get this, I just got this little fucking, you know, it wasn't even that bad The fucking safe was like the size of like a kitchen fridge I mean, one of those little ones, you know what I mean? One of those ones that you can also use as like a nightstand So one of the things about getting a safe is you don't want anybody to know that you have it You know, where it kind of defeats the fucking purpose

So these assholes come to fucking deliver the safe And I'm living on a second floor walk up This is what I'm in New York City, right? I live in a second floor walk up, which is great So, you know, oh, we just fucking scored, woo! Adam McQuaid Five to four This game's shaping up, did anybody see that penguins fucking capitals game?

Eight to seven Here we go The fuck is going, they're not even playing goal, he had a clean look at that too Oh, it tipped, and then it bounced between his fucking balls The old five hole there, anyways So I'm living in New York City, I got a second floor fucking walk up So I have these guys delivered, right? And like I said, the thing is you want nobody to know that you have it

Not only do you want to have a fucking safe, but you don't want anybody to know that you have it Because immediately you get a safe, people think you have bars of gold With half a million a whack in there We're just gonna fucking bust into your apartment and find a fucking, you know My birth certificate and the fucking, you know, the master to my first stand-up special So the dude shows up Now the thing about a fucking safe is not only, there's two things about a safe One, you don't want someone to be able to crack the safe, you know, pick the lock or whatever and get in there

And number two, you don't want it to be like, you don't want someone to be able to just be able to pick it up and leave with it So then they can go to their house and take a fucking blow torch So it's gotta be really fucking heavy, it's gotta be hard to break into And then, you know, depending on the thickness, you know, it can survive a fire for a specified amount of time So I get this basic fucking safe You know, I don't wait a couple, I don't know, a couple hundred pounds I don't know what to wait and this fucking guy shows up with this I'd never seen this thing before

It was like an electronic two-wheeler Okay, and I lived in this old building, two-floor walk-up He shows up like Saturday morning, everybody's asleep And every step, he press a button And it would lift this safe up And then he, I don't know, and then the wheels would go up to the next thing And it was the loudest fucking noise ever Every step, we'd go like

He did two flights of stairs And everybody's opening their apartments, looking out Seeing a safe, and then looking at me And seeing me standing there with my fucking door open like Nothing to see here, everybody Just buying a safe for my bars of gold I fucking was so convinced that my apartment was going to get broken into And then what was funny, when I went to move out

I just had friends help me move out and we didn't have that thing So then I just had to leave the safe I just left the safe and gave the person a combination And that's what happens to all safes Like, wherever they get delivered to is where they fucking stay They're never moved They're never moved, because they're too fucking heavy And you just got to say fucking

You leave them Nah, I leave it, yeah Anyways Is that the podcast for this week? I have no idea My wife's going to kill me I'm screaming about every goal and I'm fucking imitating Somebody bringing a safe up two flights of stairs Excuse me, I just belched

That's not a formula for a happy marriage Anyways That is a Thursday afternoon, just before Friday Monday morning podcast And I know what you want to hear, you want to hear my predictions Don't you? My prediction for Patriot Steelers I don't have a good feeling about it You know, I thought we looked like shit against the Texans

So I'm doing what every Patriot fan is doing I'm hoping that that was our one bad playoff game Like you can do that in the playoffs You can do it if there's no JJ Hawats And you got a rookie quarterback I guess you can get away with a bad fucking game But I was not impressed with our offensive line Last week and the Pittsburgh Steelers always have a fucking great defense

So, you know, Big Ben The Steelers are due to beat us, man They haven't beat us in a big game in a long time But I'm going to go with my hat And I'm going to say the Patriots are going to eke out They're going to eke out a victory at home At Gillette Stadium You know, that's what I'm hoping

I'm hoping we go up early That's what I'm hoping I don't want to see us try to play catch up against those guys Alright, and then what else we got? We got the Falcons And we got the Green Bay Packers And am I going to disrespect the Falcons Two weeks in a row

You know, so I don't even know where this game is I'm going to pick You know something, if the Falcons win This would be Matt Ryan's like fucking Finally getting the respect he deserves Then he got Aaron fucking Rogers Is it in Green Bay? If it's in Green Bay, I got to go with the Packers

I don't know, they beat Seattle, but what the fuck? Seattle was hurt You know, they had that fucking backup Whoever the fuck it was came in there Stepped it on their quarterbacks foot Gave them two points Let's see what we got here This is how every gambler, most gamblers

Makes their decisions Before they put their kids' college tuition down This is right here Is literally the level of research that they'll do Where is that gate? Is that in Green Bay? It's in Georgia This gets more interesting

Wait a minute, point spread It's got a good spread What do you got here? What do you got here? Green Bay Packers versus betting the odds Just give me the fucking odds Falcons Packers Why won't they do that?

How come if you say, what does this mean in German? It just comes right up If you ask for the fucking If you ask for the fucking odds I got to click on somebody's site That's so they get credit For Eyeballs in their site, right?

You know, this is such This is why I hate the fucking internet sometimes You know, okay, right there Green Bay Packers at death That was minus five and a half Shut up I don't even know what I'm doing Let me hit pause

I'm not going to torture you guys with this Hold on a second Alright, since the Falcons opened as Five and a half point favorites The total was 59.5 59.5 earlier in the week That's the over-under According to the sports book

Alright, I don't know shit About either one of these teams Oh, I think you got to take the Packers with the points If you're betting You know what I mean? You're going to get Aaron Rodgers Fucking six points Almost six points

Fuck I don't know shit I'm going to say Do I do it? Do I take a chance on the new guy? There's a new quarterback in town And he's feeling good That was the theme to Alice

If you guys ever watch that fucking show Fuck, I got to go with Green Bay Green Bay goes in, breaks their fucking hearts You know That's what I say They're going to go in there And somehow they're going to get it done That's what I fucking

You know what? I'm going to go with the tried and true I'm going to go Aaron Rodgers And the Green Bay Packers There you go You heard it here first from a stand-up comedian Who hasn't watched a lot of football The last couple of years

Alright So take your hard earned cash You know Put it on Aaron Rodgers Get yourself five and a half points And if that doesn't work out You know That's what you get for listening to a stand-up comedian

Go fuck yourselves Have a great weekend, you cunts And I'll talk to you on Monday Throw up you mind Relax to go downstream It is not dying It is not dying Lay down the force

And surrender to the void It is shining Oh, it is shining And you will see The meaning of winning It is being Oh, it is being And I heard some reports of what was going to be going on

And I just got like those embarrassing I just, you know I just heard that they were taking white artists and black artists And putting them together And, you know, that old tired thing Like, this is going to make everything all better You know, now if they were having a white artist And a black artist gets together and then beat the shit out of a banker

Then I would be like, okay Now, we're getting somewhere But if you're just going to put James Taylor with fucking T.I. You know, and then they're going to do a folk That then turns into a rap of Going to Carolina in my mind, whatever the fuck it is You know, it's funny, I just sang the melody with the wrong words No, in my mind, I'm going to Carolina

I'll steal fucking rollerblades Um, evidently James Taylor's really into rollerblading I bet you didn't know that Well, listen, if you're new to my page, let me get right off Let me just get right off on the right foot here This is going to be a rough one Let me get off on the right foot You know what, it's early and I have to work out

I was like, I got to get this fucking thing out of the way That's how I'm approaching this podcast this week I have to get this thing out of the fucking way And I don't know about you guys But whenever I approach something like I have to get this out of the way Something suffers and it's usually the quality Okay, so I want all of you guys, wherever you're at

To just lower your fucking expectations Okay, because I am on Let's get this out of the way Mode this week Alright Fucking going hardcore with my workout Just had 98 proteins Doing this new fucking diet, man

It's just fucking ridiculous It's ridiculous, but it's working But I know in the back of my head Eventually you're going to get to where you want, Bill And then you're going to go off to diet And then you're going to fucking get, you know Get a big Charlie Brown head again That's what's going to happen

But anyways, if you're new to my page I'm doing those diets where you like weigh your food Three ounces of chicken Three ounces of Parmesan cheese And eight egg whites, which is a whole fucking carton I swear to God, by the end of it You just want to puke But somehow you lose weight

It's all like, it's like chemistry Is that what it's like, Bill? Is it really like chemistry? Have you ever taken a chemistry class? Well, I know, no I haven't Then how would you know it's like chemistry? You don't Alright, so I'm doing heckle on myself this week Yeah, you know something, I'm already kind of

No, Bill, stick with what the fuck you wanted to Let's have some sort of beginning, middle and end to this thing Alright? Okay, let's start with the basics If you're new to my page I do one of these every single week I do it every single Monday People send me in questions

And I answer them to the best of my ability People send in their list of stuff that they feel is underrated And lately, much to my pleasure Is that the word? I don't know Full of protein, I need some carbs To be able to pull out the right fucking word here I'm really enjoying the fact that a lot of people are weighing in And a lot of the stuff that I'm talking about

Like, I'm also introducing new subjects Because, you know, I don't want to be doing the same shit You know, be doing this podcast 20 years from now And just being like, overrated Battery-powered water blades Isn't anybody thinking about the environment? Underrated Fucking, uh, Gabe Kaplan's comeback

Alright That was overrated, underrated In the year 2029 When Gabe Kaplan will be 96 I saw him on the World Series of Poker And wow You know, there's that fucking aging thing Where some people try to prevent it

And that's when you get in trouble You gotta go with it, you gotta use a keto You know, you just, you just go with it You know You know, you know fucking... Oh, by the way, I also saw Blazing Saddles recently And two things I want to say is Gabby Johnson is the best fucking laugh

I got in about three months Absolutely dying laughing And if anybody can explain to me Why the actor who played Gabby Johnson Made the choice to start swinging his arms It's fucking genius And Gene Wilder has the most horrific Powdered wig comb-over I have ever seen in my life

What was that bowling movie that, uh, Bill Murray was in And they had those really bad comb-overs He puts them to shame What the fuck was the name of that movie? Candlepins, Big Ten What the fuck was that movie called? Garter Ball Had something to do with bowling

I know those people right now Screaming at their dashboards in the car Like they know the right answer Like you're gonna get a star or something What the fuck was the name of that movie? Alright, anyways Yeah, so I do one of these every single week This is such a fucking mess

And, uh, I also hype shit that I have coming up Like, these are my three big dates that I have coming up This week I am at the Improv in Houston And, uh, surprisingly I've been getting a lot of emails Because I didn't draw shit last time I was there, motherfucker And, um, you can go to Improv2.com for tickets So you can just click on the link right on my, uh,

Right on my homepage Which I imagine probably still says that I'm gonna be at Tampa this week Which isn't true, I just haven't changed it Really need to get a fucking assistant That's on my list of shit to do Um, and February 6th I'm gonna be at, uh, the Wilbur Theater

In, uh, Boston, Massachusetts And then on the 7th, I'm gonna be out in Chicapea Chicopea, Massachusetts Um, and then a couple weekends after that I am going to be making my debut appearance In Ogden, Utah So all you Mormons, you know Fucking come on down to the goddamn show

Why don't you and your 18 wives come down to the show And sit there and judge me You know, I'll tell you something I don't know anything about Mormons Other than Steve Young as a Mormon That's the only thing I know about him You guys have a lot of wives And, uh, for some reason when I think about you

I think about the Amish, which I know isn't true I know it's not fair I actually did college out there a long time ago And, uh, it was really weird Like all the kids out there, how repressed they were I'm trying to sell tickets in Utah By basically attacking the main religion out there That's a real smart bill

That was just really weird I felt like I was in the footloose You know, people weren't allowed to dance They weren't allowed to fuck Um, anyways, let's get on with this podcast It's starting to lose momentum I can feel it I'm like fucking Steve Austin in the beginning

A $6 million dollar man, you know She's breaking up She's breaking up I can't hold it Steve Austin Astronaut Oh man, barely alive We can put on a new foot

Alright, um, here's something that somebody said to me, uh, recently Um, and this whole thing is judged on Because basically I drive a Prius Which, you know, driving a Prius Yeah, people really fucking judge you Like I pulled up in front of this, uh Just trying to get an extra key made for my apartment And I go to get out of my car

And as I pull up, there's these two douchebags With green piece sweatshirts on And they immediately eyeball me You know, and I'm like, oh god, right? And I get out of the car And the girl goes, I swear to god She's like, hey there Prius driver So I go, hey there

Check with a green piece sweatshirt, you know Really with a cunty tone in my voice As if to say, I don't care about whales You know, maybe I'm just a tight fuck Who doesn't want to pay for gas You ever think about that? But that doesn't stop her She just keeps coming at me

Do you have time? Do you have time? And I go, nope, no I don't She's like, it only takes a second And I walked around the corner And I'm watching to this key place You know, my key done And, you know, the guy does the key in two seconds I come walking back out

I mean, literally within the first The same two minutes of this woman talking to me And I clearly didn't want to talk to her And she sees me again and she's still coming at me And she says some shit like, come on You know, it's your Prius driver Just sign up, it's easy peasy That's what she said

It's easy fucking peasy Which made me want to go buy a bus And take the muffler off of it You know, it's easy peasy She goes, come on, you drive a Prius I'm like, how do you even know this is mine You don't even know it's mine, you know Fucking twat

Get away from me I don't know why either, I really I like animals You know, I really like animals And I enjoy doing things for the environment But I don't like fucking people Thinking they know shit about me Even though she did

In a way she did But just because I drive a Prius Doesn't mean I'm going to talk to you In your stupid sweatshirt And you know Sign up on your clipboard I don't want to fucking do that, you know Because if I do, at some point

I got to listen to you use words like easy peasy It's weird, I'm like this fucking Type A psycho environmentalist And I just don't get along With those Bergenstock I'm just getting annoyed now Just fucking talking Prius driver

The thing I really want to say I'm just not going to say it because it's just going to be too mean Alright, let's get on with this So anyway, so I drive a Prius This guy sends me something about global warming I don't know where He says, Bill, it's about 10 degrees In New York City now

And since you drive a Toyota Prius I'm going to assume That you at least believe somewhat in global warming And honestly With you being a great cynical comic That shocks me Okay, I like how he just did that How he was patting me on the back

As he backhanded me in the face And honestly With you being a great comic Wow, there goes my self-esteem That shocks me I hate when people fucking do that When they give you a nice compliment So thinking like

You're going to come around to their opinion And I just rolled over And now you're going to give me a fucking snack Alright, and honestly You being a great comic, that shocks me You have common sense enough Jesus, he's just throwing out the compliments here It's almost like he wants to change my opinion

You have common sense enough To realize things like Self-checkout lines Being the beginning phases Of teaching us how to do the job for free Yet, exclamation point You don't smell any bullshit whatsoever On listening to a guy like Al Gore

Basically predicting some shit That he claims is going to happen 50 years from now Now you know what, I love how in the beginning of this He realized That he doesn't know my opinions on global warming And he says, I'm going to assume That you at least somewhat believe

And now, two sentences later I totally fucking believe in it So he can trash Al Gore Anyways, he says My logic just tells me That if anyone's going to tell me That they know what the world is going to be Like in 2060, they're full of shit

Nobody knows that shit Same as nobody knows what's going to happen to you When you die Blah, blah, blah, blah On and on and on and he trashes basically I'm really going to Read out loud this long Okay, let me just try to blow through this

I'm 27 now, I vividly recall Plenty of people 20 years ago Guaranteeing flying cars By the year 2000 Really, I don't remember that Um 20 years ago You're 7 years old

They were probably just fucking with you Weren't they still telling you That a fat fuck came down the chimney And gave you toys I vividly remember that When I was in the sandbox Somebody saying that there was going to be flying cars Did you go to a private school

Where all your little friends running around Coats And the closest thing we have to a car That car instead of The closest thing we have to that car Is instead of running on gasoline It runs on less gasoline And a battery

And it's 85% plastic Before we get into all of this shit One of my pet peeves about people who argue Against global warming Is when it's 10 degrees out in January You know January, a winter month Was to be fucking 10 degrees out

You know All of a sudden it's actually Winter weather and then they're just like Well, I guess that proves that I mean it's fucking 10 degrees in January There you go It was fucking 10 degrees in October

You know For a bunch of days in a row For a bunch of years in a row And polar ice caps weren't fucking The whole world wasn't melting And grizzly bears weren't mating With polar bears You know

Then I would maybe believe your little point About one day in January Being fucking 10 degrees Or maybe a cold spell It's called the winter dude You want to talk about vividly remembering I remember vividly Riding on my bicycle

Back when Kids delivered papers Shit out of us that everyone was a fucking pedophile And before they printed Billions of dollars more With no gold behind it So now adults have to do that job They were fucking

Kids like me riding around on that Bicycle and it was so cold out Your fucking nostrils stuck together And they used to give you those ski mats And your breath would condensate Or whatever the fucking word was And then you had frost up against your nose I vividly remember my brother coming home

His hands were so cold He turned on hot water in the sink And stuck him in there and they immediately all Cracked and became bloody And I laughed my ass off at him I vividly remember that It's called the fucking winter So don't send me a fucking email

About a couple of days in January Where it's 10 degrees out And you think that that fucking disproves You know Fuck it I don't even know how to get in this fucking shit The reason why we don't have fucking flying cars Right now, I mean think about that

6 billion people all having Cars that fly around How the fuck are you gonna have roads You know what I mean And the reason why you have Priuses That run half on gasoline And a little bit on electricity Is because that's all bullshit

It's a fucking scam It's a better scam than the car That they have out now But it's a fucking scam You're dealing with that robber bear And blue blood money that has been running Shit for 150 fucking years And they're not just gonna go

Oh they're the fucking top of the world Melting well let's do something about that They're gonna incrementally Slide their way into something They're gonna do the least amount That's required a hybrid is a Complete fucking scam other than the emissions You know

The emissions are a lot better That's the big thing but as far as the gas mileage And all that shit it's bullshit You basically get 45 miles a gallon If you're gliding down the street But that's true with all cars Dude the mere fact that

Corporations are actually giving in now And At the very least I love what they do Is they basically paint their packages green And then psychologically Like there's a gas station I think it's BP All of a sudden they went green and yellow now And it's

I'm supposed to be thinking about ethanol Or some shit like wow Grass is green Corn is yellow Gas is good It's stupid the whole thing is like What you're dealing with dude is a ton of politics in there So to sit there

And look at it and you know Blast a guy like Al Gore You know the guy In defense of him has always been into the environment One of his things when he was in office Was a super car A car that got 100 miles a gallon And they just dragged their feet

The big three dragged their feet You know we're putting it together And there's a finite amount of time Someone's in office he was in office for eight years They just dragged their feet for eight years And he was out and then they shelved it That's all that bullshit But Al Gore yeah he's using it to try to get himself

Back in the ring You know he's like a comedian His show got cancelled They get his face out there so he can still make speeches And make some money So he can pay the fucking bankers But dude you know you really should do a little More research

Into global warming other than It's ten degrees out in January That's all I'm gonna say And to sit there and obviously I'm by no means a fucking Scientist but you know I do know that you can't have Six billion

Of any species on this planet Especially human beings Who unlike animals We're the only ones as my brother Says we're the only species on the planet That alters the environment Rather than adapting to it You know what I mean

You could have six billion deer And that would fuck up a lot of shit But not to the level that we're fucking it up Because they don't make you know Nuclear weapons and deal With the waste and plastic and all that shit So I don't know dude I mean if

I mean I don't know what to tell you dude I'm not here to try to convince you That global warming That six billion people on the planet Are gonna have an effect on it You know We're like the gypsy moth caterpillars right now

Just eating everything in our fucking path And none of this shit That they're doing hybrids Any of that shit is gonna fucking help anything Until they literally get on TV And they start telling people to stop having children Well that's uplifting Bill I mean I don't understand what people are fucking doing

Have you seen that IBM commercial Where all of a sudden you know They're acting like you know They're talking about how when Oh this is Joe DeRosa Just called me and I missed the fucking call This IBM commercial They're talking about how like in Sweden or something

That Insult automated toll booths And that Decrease gridlock by 20% And then in the end this girl's like I'm an IBMer and that's what I'm working on It's like really Well why don't you work on a digital poster

That tells people to stop fucking Busting nuts in their girlfriends I think that that would help gridlock By 100% I can't go actually not 100% But you know what I mean I can't wait, I hope I live long enough To see that

I really want to see that argument Where they somehow finesse in You have to stop having kids Because There's no There's no farmland, there's nothing left You know what I'm saying And then just all the Jesus freaks going

While the Bible says go forth And multiply The Lord said it He said it Really? It wasn't a bunch of people just writing it No, he said it He said it and then he had a kid And a kid was in some woman

Who was never impregnated And he walked on water And he cured a leper And he doesn't like Jews Even though he was one Oh my god Oh bullshit, you know something I really am a cynical bastard

I still believe in a higher power though But I gotta admit I'm lost Because I can't go to any of these You know From the Catholic church To Scientology, I just can't You know, I can't fucking I don't know

You ever look at a picture yourself from five years ago And you just think, you know, I was so much better A person then How do I get back to be in that person? That's where I am in my life right now I'm trying to do Trying to do some better things I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about this week

Alright, let's move on here I tell you guys, I'm doing that P90X system It's for fucking 40-year-old douchebags like me It's actually great, it's a great system And I'm just killing time right now As I try to get to the next point Okay, here we go, how to link to my podcast

This is something else I should have done Upfront You log into Google with an account Yes, I am reading this Go to google.com slash reader slash view Click on Add

Add a subscription On the left-hand side of the page Oh my god, and then paste this in the box I can't read that, that's like too much Alright, evidently I can't tell you how to link to my podcast Alright, let's move on to the next fucking issue I'm really loving how this is becoming like

The morons meet the press My podcast We're discussing issues Like that last guy who I just screamed at He basically has no more information than I do He just has his gut opinion that says it's bullshit And I watched the Discovery Channel

And I saw a brown and white bear This grizzly polar bear That they call the Pizzly Bear Because they're now meeting and fucking And how do I know it exists? Because some redneck shot it That's what happens I don't know what the fuck it was

So I shot it in the face And now I'm standing next to it And then I went and I found a scientist Is Whatever it is, I killed it Alright, the checkout line argument Is still continuing Alright, some people, I don't know

If you're new to my podcast I'm going to try to blow through my explanation And a lot of people Have been arguing with me That the automated checkouts Where they make the customer Work as a cashier for free They're somehow telling me

That this is progress And I'm seeing it with great inventions Of the past I kind of got into it with some guy on the internet Where he was, I can't find the email Because I'm disorganized He brought up some sort of Some sort of machine

Like 100 or so, 150 years ago That came out In the textile mills That would obviously do the work Of like 10, 20 people So this one guy started a revolt Going, this is all going to put us out of work And he tried to equate that

With the cashier thing And I'm not saying that I am against inventions Straight across the board Just because they put people out of work Like to me, that's not The same example Because it's not like

They came out with a new cashier machine That does the work of 10 cashiers While I just fucking stand there They just came up with a new Cashier machine That now I have to operate And then I have to bag my own groceries That's not progress, that's making me

Do the fucking job And actually to his credit He goes, you know what, fair enough You are right on that Because I'm not against them coming up with a machine That does the work of 10 textile Mill workers I'm really not against that

And because at no point Does it then require me To go down to the factory And fucking share That is my point But despite that, people still have opinions That they like them Here we go, here's one

Where the fuck is it God damn it, I can't find it It was a great one, hold on Hold on Just keep yourselves busy All right Actually this fell into underrated That's why I couldn't find it

You know what's underrated The pills at the grocery store I'm going to assume you don't understand What it is, what it's like To not want to talk to someone About the effectiveness of the maxi pad You're buying, or if some hair conditioner Really works, etc

There is always a fucking conversation And it's always fucking annoying I feel bad that maybe someone Might be out of a job because I don't like Making a name Conversation with other human beings But some days being able to get in and out Speaking to anyone is all I really want

You know I have mixed emotions On that one, because I understand Not wanting to get into an annoying conversation Like that fucking douchebag With their green piece Sweatshirt You know Hey freaks driver, I understand that

But I would rather have an annoying Conversation than know That I helped to put another foot On the yacht of some Corporate fucking douchebag Because I just put another person out of work Who's probably already eaten macaroni and cheese

Nine times a fucking week anyways Um Alright, what else Some other people, like Some people agree, some people don't I think we've beaten this thing to death You know I don't know what to tell you guys

I just I don't fucking know I'm having kids Keep going with the computers Line up for the microchip in your head It's all gonna be good It's all great, everything's great Everything's wonderful, global warming doesn't exist

It's all awesome Go see that new movie That fucking crooked nose guy Is in with Jennifer Aniston About the dogs Take your fucking kids there Who are gonna add to the mess Buy them an SUV when they turn 16

Jesus Christ, I am on my soapbox this fucking week I really need to shut the fuck up Let's move on to the questions Alright Whenever I get this way, by the way People, I'm really not this passionate about the subject It means I have other shit going on in my life That's causing me stress

And I have an inability to focus on the thing That's causing me stress So I rant about other stuff And annoy the shit out of people Alright, question number one Hey, I think you'll like this one Somebody just started it out For some reason I didn't erase that part

There's a four-way... Oh, this is more of a story Alright, there's a four-way intersection That I drive through on my way to work A lot of people keep getting into car accidents there Well, for about a month I could tell they were installing traffic lights Because they had tons of poles and wires

And construction workers were there all the time But when they finished installing The new traffic lights with the green arrows Allowing people to turn And not get into accidents They also installed cameras Looking in every direction Am I crazy to be really bugged by that?

I live in a small area About 30,000 people And they definitely could have towed local residents With a letter that they'd be putting in cameras or something If they can't afford a cop To watch the intersection Then they shouldn't have cameras there, right? People will slow down for a cop

But nobody cares about a camera It's not like that will stop bad driving It doesn't even end there They put even more cameras towards the downtown area So when I drive into work I could be photographed or taped Twice in a span of seven miles Would this bug you too?

Would you do anything about it? Two awesome questions Yes, that would bug me Would I do anything about it? I'd probably do what I do on this podcast I'd sit in the bed and bitch about it And not join a group That would effectively try to make a change

Because they judge me because I drive a Prius Yeah, it does bug me It does bug me I think it's bullshit It bugs me on two levels It's a way for them to just I guess nail every single person Who sort of ran a red light

And just give everybody a ticket So they can have even more money You know To just fucking give away to some douchebag That they're going to pay eight bucks for a hammer for You know what I mean? I really can't explain anything today You know what I'm saying?

That's like some bot hog shit That's like putting down the fake fire hydrant Yeah, I really find it disturbing that In the future I'm going to have absolutely no privacy I mean, it's not like they're going to watch Every second of footage But just to know that at no point Am I, you know

Am I just like being alone That's what freaks me out about the future You know that shit I was talking about last week Where I was watching 60 minutes And they're in the beginning stages Of having computers have the ability To read someone's mind I mean think about that shit

They're already putting microchips in people At the upper corporate level They'll have computers to be able to read your mind And they'll be able to film you Everywhere you go You know, that's like To me is That's like

All those science fiction fucking Movies I don't know what I do Anything about it The movie version of me would And I would turn into Ellen Erin Brockovich or whatever the fucking name is

But yeah, you know what Would make me feel good, I'm one of those people I don't start shit I don't do anything, I don't join Do I join shit too? I don't know If it was a movement I would definitely join it I just hate how protesting has been It's turned into like a cliche thing

Like if I actually went to a protest And I had a sign and I was chanting Something that rhymed with four You know, it always has to rhyme with four One, two, three, four We are the second mark Da-da-da-da-da-da war Da-da-da-da-da-da war

It always has to rhyme with four Why is that? You know why that is? It's because All our music is in four, four time That's like common time And we just kind of go with that rhythm Like in the Far East Like they play in like, I don't know

Like that Vinny Kaliuta time, like fucking 17, 8 or whatever the fuck it is And they can all sit there And bounce and they have the patients To wait for the person to count up to 17 And with their crazy language And they have words that rhyme with 17

17 We don't want your fucking hummus Teen or whatever the fuck I don't know the fuck it is I don't know, question number two Here we go, hey Bill Was there ever a crossover period In your career

Where you were still working a day job But getting successful As a comedian Did anyone ever recognize you at your day job Sparking a Mickey Rourke temper tantrum At which Deli displays If anybody If any did you body slam

Dude, what the fuck happened to the rest of that sentence Did anyone ever recognize you at work Sparking a Mickey Rourke temper tantrum And then this is the rest of his sentence At which Deli displays If any did you body Oh, okay I know, there was no comma in there

It should have been at which Deli displays comma, if any I don't know, I don't know what There should be a comma in there Because I can't figure out what the fuck that means Did I ever body slam someone at a Deli Did anyone ever recognize me at my

day job No I want to say maybe once And I was thrilled Because I never got recognized And I felt like somebody You know Which I think is very poignant

On Martin Luther King Day I am somebody I did five minutes At the comedy vault I used to go up at Dick Doherty's comedy vault At Remington's And That's actually one of the things I like to do

When I go back to Boston, I'm not working I go back to that club because it still fucking exists So I put my first five minutes together On Boylston Street Yeah, so no, no one ever recognized me You basically You have to be You have to be on TV

For a long time To start getting recognized You know, it's weird Like You'd think if you did stand up on like A Conan O'Brien the next day you walk down the street If millions of people were watching A bunch of people would recognize you

They don't They don't So you have to be Super famous Or at least famous And then you have to fall off And then have to get a day job And then they recognize you

It's weird, people recognize you On the backside of fame You know And speaking of which Being 40 years of age I did what the Responsible person is supposed to do You know

I fucking went and I actually got My goddamn prostate checked And I got to tell you dude You want to talk about the, that's the other side of fame That people don't bring up I was really happy that I have a low level Because when people look at fame And they just think like

You know, courtside seats to fucking The Lakers Fucking a supermodel They don't think that you still have to get Your prostate checked And you don't have the ability To walk into the office As like an anonymous person

You know Thank god this guy wasn't a comedy fan So My prostate is fine By the way, you know Psychologically I don't know how I am After that it was just fucking It's horrific

I got to tell you something When they tell you there's nothing wrong with your prostate You really have mixed emotions at that point Because you're psyched That you're not going to die of aft cancer But on the other side there's immediately A jolt of anger where you're like So that means you really didn't fucking

Have to do that then did you? I don't know I just came to peace with the fact that His job is just fucking horrific That for me it's just a fucking Horrible eight seconds Then I can just, you know Turn on the radio at full volume

And drive away and try to kill the thoughts Of horror Whereas he has to then just He has to just do that all day long You know something, I think the fact that I just talked about this on my podcast I'm now emotionally fucking dealing with the fact That another man

Put his finger on my ass It's just fucking And it's done very professionally It's not like he's whispering in your ear Like you like this It's not that Oh my god I gotta go to therapy

I feel fucking horrible I let another man do that And there was nothing wrong with me You know Jesus Christ Jesus Christ I think this is the end of the podcast I really don't know how to process that

I really don't know how to process that And you know It's funny, as you know in five years They're gonna have a way to do it Where they don't have to do that You know what I mean? Like I just did the ass version Of electroshock fucking treatment

That's what they should do They should put like a fucking arrow in your mouth You know I don't think I'm gonna be able To stop talking about this It's just fucking horrific It's fucking horrific Um Okay, let's grit the teeth

And let's move on to question number three Woof Wow Wow, alright Yeah, what the fuck Alright, what if that's all a scam Forget about global warming Oh my god

Question number three Come on Bill, you can do it Hey Bill, do you ever think of how Ironic it is that Hitler didn't have Blonde hair and blue eyes Um No No I didn't

I've heard that argument I find it more weird that he was just a complete Fucking spaz And people followed him I mean he had the classic spaz haircut You know that short Stuff on the side And it's all long on top

I mean if there's any kids Listening to this shit it's like If you really want to just up the chances Of you getting fucking slapped in the back Of the head Buzz the back of the sides of your head And then leave it long on top I mean it's classic

Your naked head is just sitting there Which is just gonna make a football player Want to slap you with those three fingers Right in the back of your head And watch your cowlick flap around On your forehead Um Yeah you know I've heard that before

I've heard people talk about how Hitler didn't even Fit into his His View of the perfect race I think he was like a self-hating He was like a chick Who was born a brunette and always wanted to be a Blonde

You know he just sort of bought into it He was like a self-hating brunette To convince people to kill like 10 million people Um You know and I like to say that We've moved beyond that in our society And you know judging by people's reactions To fucking

Microchips and being filmed every five seconds And being like well you know If you're not doing anything wrong I really think that there's another Hitler in our future Um Alright Bill number five Hey Bill what's the uh Worst slash most embarrassing thing

I've never done to get laid For me it was watching ballet Um Alright let's see here The worst thing I ever did I'll tell you the most lost I ever got In a relationship was I dated a girl who sang in a band

And I was about 20, 21 years old And she was like 30, 31 And uh She sang in this band that was called Uh I don't know what it was called The fuck was the name of the band

God I'm so old now What's a what's a what's a male It was something in the girls It was a guy's name Like Mike in the girls And it was basically they did like cover songs And there was three Three hotties

You know like the Andrews sisters And they would sing fucking you know Awful Brian Adams songs And C&C music factory shit This is how long ago it was And then the dude would be playing the keyboard And I sat in the audience

With a Michael in the girls Sweatshirt That was written In three different Levels of pastel You understand Like it was like the Miami Vice Aqua blue

The hot pink And some other awful pastel color You know what it looked like It looked like Demi Moore's eyeshadow In that famous 80's picture of her Where she has her hair all crimped Whatever the fuck that was You know when girls used to do that

And their hair used to look like a staircase Descending down to the Yeah and I sat in the audience And I remember sitting outside myself Going how the fuck Do I get out of this How do I get out of this This is not

I was just psyched to be getting late I was definitely a late bloomer And I was banging this hot broad Who was like ten years older than me That sang in a band And you know that was all my dick Just going like yeah Keep blowing me over the sweatshirt

And then I was actually in public By myself sitting in the crowd And that's one of those things Where it was almost like you know Your grandmother bought you And you're kind of thinking you're back in the head You're kind of having thoughts like Is this shirt like fucking gay

I don't know Then you watch a cartoon and then you go to school And the second you get on the bus It's just like everyone just starts Dude what's with your shirt And then it starts and then you're like Oh my god this is going to be the longest Fucking day of my life

And everybody just You lose like half your friends that day And you contemplate pissing your pants So you can just fucking get out of school Or claim that you have chicken pox Or anything just to get the fuck out of it That was the adult version of that And I remember

I walked Out of the place where they had the gig And I went into a bar I was trying to reclaim my manhood But I still had that fucking sweatshirt on I think I took it off And I turned it inside out And I just drank at this bar for the rest of their show

And then I walked back Hammered and I think I turned it back You know I hate that part of my life I really do, I don't even want to bring it up And I resent that question What a fucking douche Like now I just

I don't know, it's all part of the learning process People, this is a really fucking Becoming a dark podcast I'm just admitting to horrible things That have happened to me Alright Anal rape and an awful fucking Sweatshirt

Alright, question number six Bill, hey, what's the worst slash most embarrassing thing Oh, I've already read that one I'm so fucked up right now emotionally I just re-read that question Wait a second Oh, I have it down twice, so that wasn't me Alright, let's move on to underrated

Underrated, overrated I like the awkward pauses at this point As I'm trying to fucking Mentally deal With what the fuck happened to me last week I really didn't emotionally even deal with that Oh, whatever It's not a big deal, it's a medical

Procedure, you did the smart thing I know I did the smart thing But did I have to go through that process Alright Bill, my friend and I have a couple Of ideas for you Overrated, crown royal Crown royal is overrated

Okay I can't agree with you on that one, I think it's I think it's tremendous Underrated, Woodford Reserve Basil Hayden Four roses, single barrel These are obviously whiskies We're from Kentucky and a little biased

Oh well, fuck it Alright, now I have to try those You know there's a bar in downtown L.A. Called the Seven Grand, it's a whiskey bar They have all kinds of I'm gonna try that Four roses, single barrel That really sounds good

Overrated, all the damn Spitting in pornos What the fuck Spitting in a-holes Spitting in VJJ Spitting on the peanut When did hocking a loogie Become sexy? Yeah, that is

Pretty disgusting, I've actually Sworn myself off of porno I was a big fan Of this one Website, which I'm not gonna name Just because I feel Like a crack dealer Because it's a free porno site

And I don't want to put the name of it out there And get somebody else hooked And I just I just decided I wasn't Gonna go on there anymore Because I was finding shit that used to turn me on I found it to be boring You know

And then you start progressively Moving towards sicker And sicker, crazier shit I fucking do that, so I know I've mentioned a number of times That I've been trying to fucking stop doing that You know

Yeah, you know something I really think that That shit is just not good It's just not good for you You ever think about how fucked up that is That you can just Think of something that you want to see And you can go on the internet

And you can just find it And how back in the day When you were, you know Little house on the prairie I mean, all you just had was your imagination I'm not saying you People didn't lay in the fields Lay down in the

Barley and take down their trousers I mean, but what could you possibly Could people even Comprehend You know Some of the shit that people Have come up with at this point I don't think you could

There's no way that you could think of some Of the shit that they have on there If, like, musically You're just that Jimmichrack corn And I don't care Actually, that's not true, they had Beethoven They had classical music, but still You know, I don't know

Like I said I just looked at a picture of myself Four or five years ago and I was just like You know, I was a lot better person Back then So, you know, this has actually been A very, uh, very sad Melancholy fucking podcast

And, uh, yeah, that's it I'm gonna end on that note Because I have to emotionally deal with the fact That, uh, yeah, I gotta deal with that shit Whatever, it's a medical It's a medical procedure, it doesn't count, right? What the fuck Anyways, so I'm gonna be at the

Improv in Houston this week and I'm gonna be extra funny Because I'm gonna be burying That, uh, that procedure Deep in my psyche And I probably won't be talking about it on stage Just because every comedian over 40 Who's had that procedure Then goes on stage and talks about it

So I'm standing there And I got the fucking thing on And my ass is hanging out And what's the deal You know, who goes to school To become that guy There's your homework for the week If anybody can come up with a new

Stand-up comedy Angle on I had to get my prostate checked Um I'll give you a free DVD I will literally fucking mail it To your fucking house and I'm not joking All right, if you can somehow

Come up with a new angle That's actually, uh No, you know, I'm not gonna put Any parameters on it. You can go clean You can go dirty, you can go clever You can even be a guitar act If you want to write a song about it I don't give a fuck. If you can somehow

Come up with something You only got a couple of days, too This offer expires Thursday Afternoon because by then I'm gonna be on My way over to the club In Houston, Texas Oh, speaking of which You know what, I fucking uh

You one of the things I like going About to Houston is they got a mall Out there that actually has a skating rink In the mall and it's the funniest thing ever You can actually go ice skating right near The food court as you're watching fat fucks Eating orange chicken and you're burning calories And actually

When skating out here Recently, I just hate going to the gym People, that's basically it, so I'm like I was doing that, so I go out to Burbank It's like 80 fucking degrees out And I go out to a skating rink out there It's the worst fucking ice I've ever skated on In my life

It's like The cracks in the ice, I mean it's unbelievable It's like, Marcell Dion Skated on this fucking ice Back when the kings wore The colors of royalty And um I get over there and there's literally like

Other people out there And I have a question For people who are Asian Not Indian, people who are like Chinese, Japanese, Korean or whatever I'm really interested in your culture That You know

It seems to me that like I don't know, I just never see You guys get angry You know, I'm sitting there There was like five Asian dudes And they sucked at skating And they just kept falling down Like

Really hard Like they'd be getting going fast And they would fucking really Really hit the ice hard And every time they would get up Smiling With like this self-deprecating like Oh that was stupid, look on their face

And you know And everybody else in their group Would just sort of laugh And I just was fascinated Like I never saw Maybe like an American version Of an Asian person

You'll see one of them go like Fuck! But these dudes are like Wacking their heads and shit And they just kept smiling I was laughing my ass off But then after a while it just became bizarre And then I felt bad about myself

Like what's wrong with me as a human being That I can't laugh off the little things in life But you know, to me once you fall For the 15th time, that's not a little thing anymore That's like a major goddamn problem And you should, you know Reminds me of that Stephen King Book

Where there was the mute guy And those, ah god damn it, I didn't close My fucking refrigerator, I hate when I do that It's a refrigerator It's such a piece of fucking shit You know, you know Your refrigerator, you're supposed to Hold the door open

And if you don't hold the door open It's supposed to do this, listen It's supposed to close, but not mine Mine just stays open Look at this shit I'm adding to global warming right there I don't have the fucking energy I just wasted Anyways, what the hell, I was talking about

Asian people falling on the ice and not Not caring I don't know, this has been a really weird podcast And I don't even know how I feel about it But anyways That's it I'm done, I have to go work out Alright, you guys were

Very patient with this one Please keep the questions and everything like that coming in Please, let me get the momentum going here Please come out and see me at the Improv in Houston Please come out to that show, please I'm begging people, because every time I go there You know Like nobody shows up, and I know I said that

About Tampa and people showed up I don't know if because I have a new special out I'm not really going to change But please, for the love of God Show up, bring 15 fucking people You know I wrote a new hour, I'm literally I'm begging you, okay

For the love of God, I had a really rough week I didn't violate it I've seen confusing things I've seen a group of people fall on the ice And not getting mad about it And I left my refrigerator door open And that's it, alright Is that it?

Boston and in Utah, and that's it Right? Happy Martin Luther King Day everybody And I'll talk to you next week It's been on the debt It's his believing It's his believing So play the game Existence to the end

I'm a beginning I'm a beginning I'm a beginning I'm a beginning I'm a beginning I'm a beginning I'm a beginning I'm a beginning

I'm a beginning I'm a beginning I'm a beginning I'm a beginning I'm a beginning I'm a beginning I'm a beginning I'm a beginning

I'm aability I'm aability I'm aability I'm aability I'm aability I'm aability I'm aability