Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 1-20-22

Episode Date: January 21, 2022

 Bill rambles about Disney, not knowing, and thermals. Thursday Podcast 00:00 - 22:26 NFL Segment 22:27- 50:41 Throwback. 50:42 - end Zip Recruiter: Try ZipRecruiter FOR FREE at this exclusive web address — www.ZipRecruiter.com.com/burr Helix is offering up to 200 dollars off all mattress orders AND two free pillows for our listeners at www.HelixSleep.com/burr Allbirds Discover your perfect pair at Allbirds.com today. 

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's time for the Thursday afternoon just before Friday Monday morning podcast and just check it in on you. Oh my God. What a whirlwind fucking week. Since I last talked to you on Monday, I've gone to New York, done the Patriso Neil benefit and come back through the magic of aviation. It was great, man. Fucking show was amazing. All of these comics that came on, everybody fucking killed. And then the surprise of the night, David tells shows up as a surprise guest walks on and just absolutely fucking destroyed. Solaris. He's out there with his winter jacket on and this all this fucking winter hat. The whole thing looking crazy. And just such a big hearted guy. Everybody

killed Sal Volcano killed fucking Pete Davidson killed Rich Voss as always as always. Yamanica Saunders, Mateo Lane, Mike Vecchione. Did I get everybody? I know I always miss somebody who is in there. I jumped around the order. Ah, shit. I know I forgot somebody. Oh, Mike DeStefano, Chris DeStefano. I fucking said, I said to him, dude, I kept calling you Chris DeStefano because of Mike. Now I'm forgetting. Oh, it's either DeStefano, Mike DeStefano and Chris DeStefano. And I finally said his last name right. And then I called him Mike. Chris DeStefano. There. I finally said it right. Fucking murdered. Great energy. Crowd loved him. And I'm fucking mopped up in the end. There wasn't a lot left. Everybody had

killed so hard. We had just such a fucking great time. It was David Tell's birthday. We got to sing Happy Birthday to him. Sharad Small. I forgot about him. He fucking killed it. My old buddy from back in the day was down in the comedy cellar when it was just I remember when it was just one room. I remember the comedy cellar before the comedy cellar got famous. I'll tell you something, kids, that people used to have to stand out in front and bark, I tell you, to get people to go in there. And I'll tell you, I got a couple of fucking crazy goddamn stories that, you know, if we didn't live in such a fucking douchey goddamn time where everybody's trying to get everybody in trouble, the fucking shit

that I saw down there before cell phone cameras, the shit that I saw, it just was fucking amazing. It was fucking amazing. You know, it was fucking unbelievable. And you missed it. You missed it. You know what? If you ever see me, I know I can't trust you guys. Someone will wrap me out. I'd tell you one of the fucking stories. I actually told it this past week to some comics when we got together. We will remember in Bob Saget and everything. So we were going around telling our crazy stories. So I fucking brought this one up. Let's just say, yeah, let's just leave it that anyway. So I came back to New York and you know, it's great on the way out and the way back. I was on a fucking wide body airplane. And those are

the ones that I remember when I was a kid. You know, you came in and there was there was two aisles that you could go down. And there was these fucking Ron Burgundy colors all over the plane. They were like fucking orange seats, which is everything was fucking vivid in the 70s. I don't know what it was that fucking orange, the blues, everything just jumped out at you. And it looked classy. Now it looks tacky as hell. But anyway, it reminded me back then day, you know, you get on Eastern Airlines. The one time we did that we got on Eastern Airlines and went down to fucking Disney World when they were building the Epcot Center. It's how fucking old I am. The Epcot Center was not open. That stupid

ball thing or whatever. I don't think I've ever been there. No, I only I went to Disney World once when I was a kid. I went this in like 82 or 83. How the fuck old was I was alone? You know what, I know, I know what it was the year Tron came out because they're doing that stupid parade going down Main Street. And then they had a float where all the actors were acting. They would, it was like, if you turn Tron into a musical Tron original. Here we go. I remember they were singing this. It was just like this fucking dance music. 1982. Yeah, we went in the summer of 82. So they were promoting the movie. And everybody was dressed like in blue. And they had this really bad like 80s sort of Casio space laser sound. And

when they did it, the dancers would like point it to crowd like they were shooting a laser at you. And I was looking at it. I was like, wow, this is kind of weird. And then at one point, I looked up at my mother and she made this weird face and she pointed at me like exaggerating. Then I laughed to myself going, okay, this is stupid. It has been confirmed by my mother that what in fact what I am watching is fucking stupid. So anyway, Jesus Christ, it's funny the amount of times I've come back down to Florida. There's just there's no fucking way you know what as a comedian, what am I going to go to Disney Disney fucking world by myself? Jesus Christ, fucking bald red, it fucking red bearded creep walking around. Oh, I know what it was. I went to Disneyland out here.

That's what it was. That's why I thought I came back. I did that with my wife. And then I remember one time she went for somebody's birthday. And they wanted to be there all day because they like loved Disneyland. And I remember my wife when she came home was just like, I don't ever want to go to that fucking place again. And we have not. I have honored her wish. I mean, we're gonna go when the kids get a little bit older. You know, as COVID is starting to die out, it seems. Hopefully. I don't know. I don't know. Is it just a new normal? Who knows. So anyway, the fucking wide bodies, that's what I'm talking about. I gotta bring those fucking things back. Turn up the heat on this global warming. It's what I say bigger jets, more fuel. Let's just end this whole thing. All of

us just yelling at each other on the internet. I think that's how it ends. Everybody thought it was gonna be a meteor. People thought Jesus was gonna come back. Somebody said something about Bigfoot. I don't think it's gonna be any of those things. I think we're all just gonna fucking be so sucked into yelling at each other. We're gonna forget to eat. No, that would never happen. I don't know what it is. You know what? Here's something for you. Here's something you never hear on the internet. Guess what everybody? I don't know what I'm talking about. I don't have the answers. I'm gonna be the anti-internet guy. I'd love to hear your opinion. I have no idea what I'm to. I am not qualified to speak on the end of the world. How about that? I can give you a theory, but I'm just letting you know that I'm pulling it

directly out of my freckled ass. Isn't that refreshing? I bet you could run for president on that. Candidate Burr, what would you do to try to fix the economy? I have no clue. I almost cursed, but that would have been the end of my campaign. I have no idea. I'll be honest with you. I don't understand how it works. You know? I don't understand why Bitcoin, that Ponzi scheme, is a better Ponzi scheme than the American dollar. I don't understand why if there's no gold behind our money, why it fucking matters as long as everybody agrees that paper is worth something because it's really hard to counterfeit. Why can't we just do that? I don't understand why if we just print enough to pay off the trail, we just print a trillion dollars and

start paying people. What is the fucking problem? Then everybody around the world can go buy a Ferrari. Then everybody has a Ferrari. You know what? Everybody gets a Ferrari and then people would be fucking annoyed because everyone has a Ferrari and then they wouldn't feel special. So then they'd have to go out and they'd have to put some Friday flair on it, on that piece of art. They'd put some fucking cheesy rap on it, you know, just so you stick out and you think that that makes you different, that you're carrying the torch of punk rock. Yeah. I have no idea how the world's going to end the same way. I had no idea who was going to win the football games. I think I lost every fucking bet except for the Rams game. What a bunch of boring ass fucking games

that was. We'll be talking about it later with Verzi. Jesus Christ. My God, every game was over by the fucking second quarter except the Cowboys and 49ers. It got exciting later, I guess. Jesus Christ. One of those guys going to wake up. You know, it's funny. You know what I don't understand about Texas? You can't get an abortion there anymore, but Jerry Jones can still run the Cowboys. Somebody explain that one to me. Jesus Christ. At what point are you guys going to realize it was Jimmy Johnson? Jimmy. Oh, Jimmy. I would be trolling him with that. I would just be sending him you know, a picture of Jimmy Johnson with that fucking audio from Ray Lioto and he's in the shower when they do the Lithuanza heist or whatever. He's like, oh, Jimmy.

I don't get it, man. I don't get it. I don't understand. Like you got us. The Cowboys have not won or even been to the Super Bowl in 27 fucking years and how I always do that, how I put things into perspective because as you get older, 27 years feels like seven years. So what I do, I always go back to like 1990 and I subtract the number. So 1990 minus 27 is 1963. Then I'm like, Holy shit, that is a long fucking time. Because if you said they haven't been there since 1995, I'm like, hey, that was a little while ago. It wasn't a long while ago. 20. Holy shit. I was 27 in 1995. That was half my life ago. For the first half of my life, the Cowboys were that that was that was the thing.

They got to turn that around, man. Jesus Christ. I mean, what else do they have in Dallas? You just got a bunch of stuff that's big, but like nothing to hang your hat on, right? Literally. I actually really like Dallas. I like Dallas and I like Houston. I used to hate Houston because it was just hot as fucking balls. You know what I mean? And then Austin, I liked because of Stevie Ray Vaughn and then I went there and saw all these dirty, sweaty white kids and I just was like, yeah, you know, and had that patchouli vibe. I'm sure it doesn't, but that's, I don't know. I know. I always get nervous when a town says keep it weird. I'm like, oh no.

Are these nerdy white people that think they're cool? Bill, why do you have to shit on cities that you know you want to go to and sell tickets in? I don't know. I'm just killing time. I like Austin. I go down, I look at the bats. I go down to the Stevie Ray Vaughn statue. I do that shit, right? You know what it is? It's, I like the Texas Longhorns. I just don't like the fucking traffic. Fucking Tulane goddamn highway going in there. Fucking nine million fucking people out there. That's got bad traffic. Atlanta. Horrific traffic. New York City, obviously. Boston. Boston. Oh my God. They did spend all that money on the big dig and they didn't even add any fucking lanes. Didn't even add any fucking lanes. Like the amount of money that was skimmed

off to the project just has to be out of this fucking world. Like how greedy are you that you fuck people that bad? You fuck them over that goddamn bad. Knowing the population is increasing and you're just in the moment going, I don't give a fuck. That fourth lane. I don't even understand the big dig to be honest with you. Half the time it's just two lanes and then there's a giant emergency lane that nobody can use and you just sit in there and fucking bumper to bumper traffic. But Massachusetts was always weird with that shit. Do you know what's an amazing thing that in Massachusetts? I don't know if they still have it. Every other city as you approach the exit, the sign comes first and there's an arrow. Like exit 4A. You drive past the sign and then you know

that's your exit. Boston put the sign like on the exit. Like it's right there as you're driving by going 60 miles an hour. Probably doesn't matter anymore because everybody's got the GPS things over there, right? Everybody's got that stuff going on. So anyway, I am back out here and I don't know what I'm doing, man. I'm fucking trying to shake off that goddamn heartburn. I just couldn't lay off. I'm usually, I try to be good when I go to New York and then last night after the benefit, you know, we didn't end up getting, there was no after party because of all the COVID fucking regulations and all that shit. So we ended up, I don't know, we just fucking drove back to my hotel and there was a deli across the street. I was just like,

I got to get a bacon egg and cheese, right? I got to do that. So went down. I got a fucking bacon egg and cheese. I don't know. Woke up again with heartburn. I'm like, what am I doing? What the fuck am I doing? So it's weird. I don't know. I think because I don't party anymore, it's just kind of all about the food. Now, I got to do something, right? Fucking alone in a city. You're not drinking. You're not drugging. The fuck else am I going to do? Get myself a sandwich there. So anyway, I got a couple of reads I got to do here. Where is it? Oh, there we go. Oh, look who it is. Oh my God, one of my favorite people of all time.

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Go over to foot locker. I didn't get to foot locker. I saw another workout place then and all this warm shit for jogging and all this stuff. So I came in and I said hey you sell any thermals here and this kid's looking at me like doesn't really know I'm talking about. I'm like you know like the classic thermals you mean you like you mean like the waffle print. Yeah waffle stitch to whatever they said they said yeah they said he's like no we don't we don't sell those. Everything that these people sell nowadays with that shit they talk about wicking moisture away from your body. So I'm like all right so I go all right that's cool no worries. I'll go over to the foot locker. He's like I don't think they're gonna have them there. So I was like all right

so I just looked up and said they'd have them down at Macy's or they'd have them over at this Nordstrom's. So I go I don't go to the fucking Nordstrom's. So I go I go down to the Nordstrom's and I come walking in there and I say to the guy you got some thermals. He's like this is the woman's place you know you got to go across the street. So I'm like all right so I go across the street and I'm like yeah hey do you got a I walk in and they got fucking they got cookies in the clothing store like this place milk that's out here in LA they make cookies for some reason they have a little station there. I don't know why you'd go in to buy a shirt and you want fucking cookies it made no sense to me right. So I go downstairs and I'm talking to this dude who's dressed like a woman

and has a beard and a mask on and I'm describing him what a thermal is. I never felt so old in my fucking life. He's looking at me like I got three fucking heads right and he goes uh he goes to me like Long John's and by the way they all talk like this. I'm not I'm not saying it everybody I talk to talk like that. You mean like Long John's? Like Jesus I don't want like a fucking trap door to take a shit in an outhouse. I just want like a thermal. He's like yeah we don't have those and I wanted to be like yeah well your fucking website said you did. I swear to god if I was a fucking dictator and you google something and this fucking store says that they have it and they show up and you they don't fucking have it because they think

that you're just gonna go in there and just resign yourself to buy something there because they're fucking website nerd just just sucked me in with whatever my shirt my shirt search was so I'm you know I'm fucking pissed. It's like I don't give a fuck about you you're wicking away moisture horseshit I'm fucking walking so I go to walk out of there and all of a sudden the cookie made it made sense to me like at least I can get something I'll get a cookie I like those cookies they have at milk I'm gonna get one of these things so I go over and I'm looking at the uh the cookie names I'm so fucking old I don't recognize any of the flavor they didn't have a peanut butter cookie they didn't have a chocolate chip cookie they didn't

know that shit so I say to the lady behind the counter I go uh I want to get a cookie I don't recognize any of these uh I go which one's the most popular I go I know it's not the gluten one she goes no that one tastes like ass and I go all right which one's the most popular and she pointed at one I go okay what's in that one she goes it's like crunched up pretzels and potato chips and I said I forget it forget it thank you and I just I left all right I just it's like I get it I get it I didn't get the first 20 times when I was asking for a fucking thermal that everybody wore up until I don't know what year and now nobody has worn one so for so fucking long that I went to three different fucking department stores and I had to describe it for a full 15 fucking seconds

before people even remotely knew what I was talking about is if I didn't feel that fucking old now I don't even recognize the name there's another dictator thing okay no salt in desserts I don't understand that like if I want salt I'll eat chips if I want a sugar rush I'll eat something sugary and I just they like level each other out and I just don't feel a rush it's like I'm going up I'm coming back down here we go here we got it so I don't know can an old bald orange man just get a fucking thermal I bet Macy's had him I just didn't want to go in there they got like fucking 9 000 fucking floors you know and as you go up in that place if you've ever been in that Macy's the one

where bullwinkle and all those guys go by in Thanksgiving right Santa Claus and all them Macy Day Parade you go up the escalator and the escalators they just keep getting skinnier and skinnier and older and older it gets like claustrophobic you know I wonder if the top floors are for people like eating disorders they keep all like the ultra my goal what is my dieting goal my dieting goal is that I can shop at the top floor of the Macy's on 34th street Harold Square I'm gonna somehow get my hips between that last that last escalator on the way up which is really just like a zipline at that point if you're like bulimic they just hang you over like a fucking shirt drying and you send you up oh Jesus Bill sorry I swear to God if I can't lose this

fucking weight I'm gonna start trying it I'm gonna start puking you know I never understood chewing and spitting like the discipline of that it's like right there I get chewing and then puking it up afterwards you know the fuck am I I gotta start having guests on this shit I don't even know what the fuck I'm talking about anymore um speaking of that speaking of guests um now comes the uh the bet mg uh bet mgm is that what the fuck it is sorry people I had a long day the bet mgm uh segment with paul versey the winner of the 2021 jimmy the greek award he beat me by a half a game we picked four games a week betting against the spread we bet over 70 games and both of us were over 500 against the spread it's pretty goddamn good but this weekend you'll hear we got our asses

on the playoffs teasing teams I hate you know teasing teams I don't know it always seems so fucking easy then you get your dick knocked in the dirt so enjoy this clip right now me and paul versey what's up everybody and welcome back to the anything better podcast bet mgm version nfl preview week we are talking about the wild card weekend we're gonna get into the divisional playoffs but first guys as you all know we've teamed up with bet mgm all year we've absolutely had a blast uh we'll be using all of bet mgm's lines the most reliable lines there are make all your picks and we'll have special offers for our listeners each week we've got exciting news bet mgm is live in new york guys finally new york uh you know we don't you don't have to drive over state

lines anymore to place your bet all right if you're in new york or any other state where bet mgm is live you haven't signed up use bonus code burr you'll get two two hundred dollars free after placing your first ten dollar bet here's how it works download the bet mgm app sign up using bonus code burr burr place your first ten dollar moneyline bet on any nfl game you'll receive two hundred dollars in free bets immediately after placing your bet regardless of the outcome i'm gonna repeat that regardless of the outcome okay yes don't uh so just make sure you use bonus code burr uh to sign up visit uh bet mgm for terms and conditions all right guys so here's the deal man it was a oh first real quick just because a lot of people were asking we fucked up with

the jimmy the greek and i was a game in a half ahead instead of a half of a game we both finished above 500 though bill going 37 34 and 1 i went 38 34 we beat the book by seven and a half games it is two jimmy the greeks now for bill one for me and uh we're coming back next year with some fun surprises for you also sorry for any confusion as far as you got the monkey off your back yeah but you still got the lead dude you still got the lead you know it's a it's a best it's a best to seven first to four gets the trophy no uh we're gonna do something like that though but um you wanted a new trophy every year am i gonna get a bunch of those fucking things laying around just keep passing it back and forth i told bill i said we're gonna send you two trophies me one trophy

and they'll always be in back of us and bill goes he nixed it he goes i'm not fucking i don't want 10 of those to get fucking years down the line a bunch of shit laying around on my got too much stuff man um wildcard weekend was lackluster to say i'm not gonna lie to you i went into wildcard weekend talking shit saying this is the best weekend of the football season one of the dark horses is coming this is gonna be dude i was fucking almost sleeping in every third quarter 35 or seven oh every game was over and first of all we have to admit paul we got our fucking ass his kit and i blame you we did well you know what i'm telling you why i'm gonna blame you one you talked all this shit about how he was spanking the book yeah and then i asked you are

you gonna weigh in anywhere and you just you just sat there like a battered wife and you let me pick everything and i drove us right off the fucking cliff no you know what you were right about something i was wrong you said the niners get nine and i said let's take the cowboys i got to see that there's no way they're gonna exit the first round again give the cowboys three at home you were a hundred percent right listen we beat the shit out of the book we took a little bit of a we took a little bit of a bath week one listen it's a new bit of a bath dude that was fucking joe peshy in that cornfield ah he's still breathing he's still breathing um we got destroyed the only he's the patriots let's let's let's go through the bloodbath we tease the patriots we tease the

fucking eagles both of those things i don't give a fuck how many points yeah so bill was saying the the eagles bloodbath what about the bloodbath that was the stealers the bloodbath that was the the the cardinals dude joe burrow and the joe burrow versus los vegas was the only game that at least it was six points down to the end brutal oh actually 49ers 49ers cowboys got a little excited towards the end how about the rams i like the rams just not getting any respect that defense is fucking good you call that dude the power rankings they got them last i don't know man i like that if they get in points this week i like that they got the best defensive player in the nfl that erin donnell kid like you said bill that front four is on an mission nobody's

talking about him matthew stafford finally has a decent you know finally i felt dude that kid was awesome they were like yeah you never want to play off game in 12 seasons you've been to three you're 0 for three and he didn't fucking throw detroit under the bus he didn't say anything he's just like yeah you know well you know it's another year i like that kid hey uh who does tampa bay have this week and who does green bay have tampa bay is playing the rams in tamper who and who's playing uh who's green bay has who well i'll tell you right now we'll go over all the games right now all right oh because you know i'm on my phone because i'm i'm fucking dealing with situation here well i'll tell you one thing paulie's paulie's betting this week that much i can tell

you all right here we go i'm putting my money where my mouth is this week bill okay i'm pissed off that i did that last week i talked a little shit but don't worry as you know i'm bouncing back here here we go this week we have here are the games and then we'll break them down we got the Cincinnati bangles going into a Tennessee titles bangles bangles is a girl group the bangles we're going to be doing this for years no you were doing good for a while Cincinnati bangles um at the Tennessee Titans we got the San Francisco 49 oh that's minus minus three and a half for Tennessee San Francisco 49ers going into Lambeau Field Packers are minus five and a half we got the Rams going into Tampa Bay Tampa Bay is minus three and we have the Buffalo Bills going into Kansas

City Kansas City Chiefs minus dude minus one and a half that's the fucking game dude oh man i'm going to tell you i can't wait for that one i am telling you despite what they did to my Patriots i am rooting hard for the fucking Buffalo Bills uh i actually have the Bills in the Super Bowl i'm betting the Bills i'm taking the Bills i think they are you think they're gonna win at all they're going to the Super Bowl against the Packers and the Packers are gonna beat them that's my that's my Super Bowl um all right let's break this down Bill ah we got Cincinnati at Tennessee Tennessee laying three and a half who you like well you know i love my man Joe Burrell i'm concerned about this is going to come down into coaching and i think uh Tennessee's guys

got a little more fucking uh the upper hand there where's the game it's in Tennessee or in Cincinnati it's in Tennessee Tennessee's laying three and a half Tennessee's giving them three these are we teasing here we'd be a little horse here we uh betting straight up um you know what let's do one tease and then we'll pick the other two games i don't like a tease i don't like a tease you get one right in the locker room it fucks everybody over i like betting individual games all right all right so we'll go you know what since there's only four games this week let's pick four all right um by the way i believe Derek Henry Derek Henry for Tennessee is back and playing and they said that he just passed the full contact practice and he's fine

he can't be fine he's got to be 80 percent even 80 percent is scary yeah that guy's like a linebacker with the football dude yeah that's a problem right there um i like the bangles quarterback position i like Tennessee coach running game but Tennessee's i mean Cincinnati's got decent running game right who's there running back they got a good guy back there um i think i like i like uh i like sincey with the points i just love joe burrow that guy's the real fucking deal i love i i'm kind of betting with my hearty i'll take sincey all right well i also love that franchise because i love this story i love the whole story of that franchise um well we're not going head to head here so i'm just gonna pick i'm gonna say the

next game this is just an anything better picks so i'm gonna you know what i think i i said for i think the Packers are winning it all they're minus five and a half against the Niners Jimmy Garoppolo has a ripped up hand they don't know what's going on with that so that means that if his hand gets worse in the first quarter of the game the new kid trey lance comes in it's gonna be too much for him erin rogers his foot is better they they had a week off i think that they're tired of hearing that they keep getting knocked out at home i'm taking the Packers big i mean i'm this is my farm bet it's my fucking farm bet dude i mean every time i've said that i've lost all right well here's my thing nobody gives a shit that you're sick of hearing it you think the cowboys aren't sick of

hearing it nobody gives a shit you got to go out win the fucking game here's my Super Bowl that i wanted to see i want to see the bills against the Tampa Bay Buccaneers because the bills beat Bill Belichick and then i want to see because they're gonna it's the bills dude this shit is either going to be total 100 satisfaction finally or they're going to go back with that fucking heads hanging low as always so i think it's going to be Tampa Bay versus the Buffalo Bills in the Super Bowl see if they can slay both dragons Bill Belichick three dragons Bill Belichick Tom Brady and win a Super Bowl or does Tom Brady end their dreams again from another conference fall anyway here's the deal i'm taking um if if if Tampa was going to LA i would be worried

but here's the thing Tampa played in LA earlier this year and lost well you're you're you're skipping the Packers though Packers Niners do you go with the Packers you want to me to pick that oh what do i think in that game yeah i like the Packers i like okay all right so we don't like that there's sick of fucking no one gives you shit 49ers don't care that they're sick of fucking losing the thing is the Packers are a better team and jay said jimmy jay's fucking knocked up uh knocked up he's uh banged up a little he's knocked up he's three months pregnant three months praise it is first trimester he's morning morning sickness right before the game um i like Tampa Bay because they lost to the Rams already this year i don't think that they're going to get Tom Brady twice i think

Tom is dialed in i think everybody feels it they feel his greatness they want to be part of his last dance documentary they want a part in it that game to me is such a i just really have no yeah i mean i'll go with that listen go with the goat with that minus three at home and then i got the Buffalo Bills plus one plus one in Kansas City and i want to see that oh that's gonna be i know the thing about that is you that's you bet with your heart you can't stand Kansas City you think they're overrated listen no no listen to me uh if you don't don't call me during those hours because i'm locked in oh i'm gonna be locked in bill this is my thing about Kansas City i think they're taking a lot of penalties am i crazy they take a lot of fucking penalties

you know the biggest stupidest penalty last week what the fuck game was i watching this guy fucking they were going for it on fourth down he knocks the ball down the corner does should have picked it off knocks it down and then takes his helmet off in celebration and gave him a first down it was just like good lord buddy uh i listen to the thing i will um i don't know that game is i i think Kansas City has a lot of pride paul and i think that they're hearing what you're saying about them and i don't think that they like it and as much as um you know the patriots in Kansas City had a nice little rivalry there i do respect the hell out of them and i think patrick my home's is not going to go i don't think he's going to be

the problem though it might be their defense i think just a fly they just it feels like the bill's year doesn't it it just feels like they're on a roll here the bills looked so good last week they looked so good every side of every part of the game um josh that doesn't fucking count dude that doesn't say we're playing against a fucking rookie quarterback man come on dude this is the thing about the patriots they keep thinking bill bellichick dude we stopped last year the fact that we even made it to the playoffs was fucking amazing we had a rookie quarterback now i kind of feel like we uh it just the game just got away from us and we had we had no way of fucking stopping it but um i just like the way they mix the run i just i don't think if they the

bills stomping the shit out of the patriots means that they're going to stomp the shit out of canada city however if they do that paul no i don't think no i i don't think they're gonna i would be nervous for your your boy erin rogers and the in the green bay packers i'll tell you the one team that i would put everything on that would beat the i mean we're getting ahead of ourselves but in my opinion from what i'm seeing the team that will beat the chiefs no doubt about it would be if the rams played him in the super bowl because the rams front four i think the rams have good defensive backs you take out tyreek hill we're not there yet though um well this is this is for the super bowl canada city versus fucking uh the bill it's a super bowl i mean as much as

i respect the titans i just don't feel uh even if they want you know joe borough joe borough's listening to you right now joe borough's listening to you right now in the locker room going we're going bad bad bad bad bad bad bad we're smoking a stick with him at some point yes it's gonna happen i'm just gonna keep saying it's gonna happen so it's gonna happen all right yeah so i'll take uh so we're taking cincy we're taking the bills we're taking uh the packers and the buccaneers no real surprise is there although the bills the bills um bills chiefs are the toss up and i also think rams uh yeah i could see go either way i could see the rams pulling that game off and knocking brady and them out but i'll roll with the i'll roll with

brady's record experience being home there you go so there you guys have it if you want to roll with us and have a little fun there you go go to bet mgm um you download the app you use bonus code burr burr your first uh ten dollar look i tried to freestyle it here's my pickpaw three great games one snooze one snoozer i think the snooze is going to be the packers game just because jimmy uh garoppolo's knocked up uh that's what he's saying he's knocked out yeah me and bill me and bill and everything anything better podcast want to wish jimmy garoppolo a safe pregnancy we hope everything's so happy for you we hope you give burr to a left tackle all right guys so all you got to do is download the bet mgm app you sign up using bonus

code burr burr first ten dollar money line bet um on any nfl uh game and you'll receive 200 and free bets immediately after placing your bet regardless of the outcome just sign up and use bonus code uh burr oh let the sunday night special win some money for you let the sunday night special win some fucking money for you all right we're gonna get back up on this when you're sitting on your i'm kidding go ahead we're gonna uh we're gonna uh we're gonna try to get back up on this horse we we want to we won three monday night specials during our season and we need to win one for the playoffs so we have playoffs so we have the san francisco 49 playoffs san francisco 49ers and packers so i think we both like the packers minus five and a half we like the packers to win

that game by six yep they cover five and a half and bill the over oh billy loves an over i love the over all right we'll do the over which is what what's the under over andrew 46 and a half 46 and a half all right i like the i like i'm seeing a lot of lambo leaps i'm seeing maybe a 49ers defensive touchdown on some weird fucking flexing there'll be a lot of people going to the ends i don't know though but jimmy uh jimmy g's hurt though um what about the weather there dude is it gonna be like 10 degrees i don't know the the over in that weather you like it we'll go with it fucking no i don't know last week i made all the calls paul i told judge i wouldn't hit you anymore what would you like to say here paul what what are you what are you thinking do you think in the under

paul it's going to be a bloodbath versey are you are you leaning under uh the forecast is uh 13 degrees that's a spring day 13 no it's it's it's sunny no no indication 13 degrees and sunny yeah 46 and a half is such a perfect bullshit number it's perfect um you know what your instinct was over and we said he's gonna throw two so that's you know let we'll go over man let's root for some points paul you're not acting like the champ here you got to walk to walk you're going with my instincts here i don't like this all right we're going over dude your instincts all year have been fantastic and let's be honest i limped into that i limped into that i i don't feel like a a champion doesn't go oh and four luckily i had a little bit of a game and a half you don't you know what i did

they were like he's gonna win they were handing me a water and i fucking tripped but still made it over the line all right guys this has been anything better nfl um preview for the divisionals uh divisional playoffs coming up this week enjoy the games bet responsibly have fun with it and we will see you guys uh next week visit betmgm.com for terms and conditions 21 years of age and older to wager in arizona colorado dc iowa indiana indiana louisiana michigan minnesota new jersey nevada new york pennsylvania tennessee virginia west virginia wyoming and washington only all promotions are subject to qualification and eligibility requirements rewards issued as non-withdrawal bets or site credit free bets expire in seven days from issuance

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monday morning podcast that is it god bless you have a great weekend you do hey what's going on it's bill burr and it's the monday morning podcast for monday uh january 20th 2014 what's going on how are you how was your week did you enjoy yourself did you survive the weekend and all the big football games and all the screaming and yelling there um i had a fucking i had a great weekend i have to tell you that first of all before uh before i get going uh just in case there's any concern i am okay all right and i'm not talking about the patriots losing oh jeez yeah i'm talking about the fucking fires in california

you know it's fucking hilarious one of the greatest things that can ever happen to you as far as you uh that i spelled douche wrong my little notes here douche on southwest i spelled the douch let's see french spelling um i'll get to that story later um one of the greatest things you can do as far as like understanding the news a little better is when the big news story is happening where you live and you just watch how it's fucking reported um i had a gig this weekend in uh in albuquerque new mexico and uh you know this time of year the hills catch on fire it happens every fucking year this year there's a drought so it's worse all right but this happens every fucking year and the way they report this shit

they never just say that this is completely natural that this is the natural cycle of uh of nature out here basically what happens to recap because i think i went through this before basically what happens is um here in southern california what happens is uh for like a month every year we get rain it rains like a motherfucker not even rain like it pours a few days and everybody freaks out and they can't drive because it hasn't rained in like 11 months so all the oil and transmission and brake fluid gets mixed in with the water and it's it's actually it's a i would say it's a like a little bit slicker than it is back east but everybody out here acts like they're driving in two feet of snow it's fucking ridiculous um but anyways what happens

all that water comes and then all the hills all the mountains all that shit turns a beautiful color green you know and it's lush and it's beautiful looking and all that and then basically the rain fucking stops and occasionally you will get rain and uh then sometime around the summer the fucking summer um i don't know like august september whenever the october summer way around there we get what's known as the santa anna winds there and they come in from the east and these fucking things will like you know if you had shutters they blow them shut and open i mean they're really strong winds especially if you're in the hills a little bit um because it's just flat land out here what happens is it goes across the mojave desert all right and it picks up all that hot air

and it's basically like a giant hair dryer and it dries out the fucking hills and then inevitably a fire starts and it burns out all the brush and then it starts a new lush and beautiful every year but the problem is is we've outfucked the flat lands the problem is we don't like living near one another the problem is we like to have status i want to look down on you i want to be away from you your fucking music's too loud i don't like to smell your food i don't want my kids hanging out with your kids so we move up into the fucking hills and next thing you know rich people with fucking gold bracelets start getting eaten by bobcats or whatever scratched up by them eaten by mountain lions and their fucking houses burned down but it is 100 natural and then what always ends

up happening is some fucking douche on the east coast what they and it's not their fault because when they show this shit on the news you know i was out here and i went for a hike and i was able to see out and i could see a fire out in way out in pasadena and it's fucking amazing giant fire and this type of shit but whatever it's just but it's like fucking i don't know 30 miles away whatever 20 miles away it's not a problem but i i landed in albuquerque and they were showing the fires um and the way they were talking about them you would have thought the entire state was engulfed in flames i had like five people call me to make sure i was all right hey i'm seeing this i'm seeing this stuff in the nose i'm just making sure like like the

whole fucking state is on fire like we're all out here with our fucking garden hoses and they just completely zoom in on the fire and that's exactly what it looks like it literally looks like hell on earth um it reminds me of when i lived back east and there would be a hurricane it actually was downgraded to a tropical storm then it just kind of rained do you remember that news clip with that woman was in the boat you know acting like she was in four feet of water and then those construction workers came walking by and it was like it was like fucking ankle deep that's what they do so um i'm just letting you know california beautiful fucking state uh it's not on fire the fires are natural um as they are with all forests i don't you know i'm not a

fucking nature guy i don't know it to that level but i do know it burns it all out and it causes it to come back even more healthier every fucking year now if you want to be you know a gambler and build a house in the middle of the shit you know there's a chance one day it might burn down all right but uh actually you know what i i'm i'm fucking up here i should just roll with it and act like the entire place is on fire and maybe less people will move out here and we can drive a little uh we can drive a little more but uh versi actually sent me a text he said he was watching the la fires or whatever the the california fires and he was just saying like uh you know the usual that's god's way of saying you shouldn't live out there you know meanwhile he lives in fucking new

york you know it's fucked up about new york and why people are way more polite than they give them uh credit for when you're on the subway pretty much people are polite because um you're all mixed in together and you have no idea who or what is next to you and what the fuck they did in the last 24 hours forget about the last 24 minutes they could have just stabbed somebody they could have somebody fucking locked in the closet and they're fucking apart you have no fucking idea so generally speaking uh you're on your best behavior when you're on the subway but um you know i don't fucking know you know they always they always just show all the worst it's a fucking great state and whatever catches on fire i mean we have to we have something has to happen to pay for the

fact that it's 60 degrees out and i don't have to shovel my cat out of the fucking parking spot right so just let you know in case you were concerned in case you were thinking like hey i always wanted to move to california but the entire state is engulfed in flames once a year that isn't true uh yes we are having a drought um and i don't know if that has to do with just a natural cycle or the fact that there's over seven billion people getting up every day and they got to take a shit and ask to go somewhere and maybe eventually that leads to a drought i have no fucking idea but i'm just letting you know the whole fucking state isn't on fire all right so in the words of martin short relax your crack um okay so anyways this is the uh the monday morning

podcast oh and i got it so i gotta i gotta talk about the douche on southwest so um i went to albuquerque this weekend and i had a fucking unbelievable time i have not been back there since uh all those wonderful episodes of uh breaking bad that i got to be on and um you know i was gonna go on a hike that's what i wanted to do i wanted to do that but uh you know nia had some friends out there we were gonna go to lunch you know that is it'll only take like an hour that's three hours you know so i'm just like i'm too fucking old to um i'm too old to fucking hike and have a social event in one day and then actually give any sort of a decent decent uh performance so i was like all right fuck it i'm not going to

go on the hike i'll go over and we met um i met nia's friends and they were they were awesome the fucking cooked up burgers the middle of the day you know those homemade burgers that are way bigger than the ones that you get in the restaurant and then you eat them and uh you don't feel 60 your stomach stomach afterwards fucking phenomenal and uh the people's house we went over to they had all these beers and that type of stuff and i stayed away i was a good boy so i could have the show but i know myself at this point so i still that i can't i can't do all of those activities in one day so i just decided like uh all right i'll just do the social thing and i'll chill out which was actually really cool because i've been to albuquerque a bunch of times and i never got to

ride around and uh see any of it and uh it's really really fucking cool place man really really cool um so anyway so that night i was at the uh the 66 casino meaning basically root 66 and uh one of the coolest looking casinos i've i've seen i'll try to have some images up for you i you know you try to take pictures of those casino lights and it never comes out on your cell phone at least the one that i have the 4th um but it was really cool like the hotel had like that you know the root 66 sign instead of the 66 it just said hotel it was all lit up and then you know it's native americans own it and then the the the arrows pointing in where to go were literally like arrows and they looked like they were stuck into the ground they were all lit up it was fucking

badass it was badass and then i got to play in the the name of the theater was the legends theater i played a place called the legends theater i remember i was doing some press for it and they said what can people expect when they come down to the legends theater and it's like well they should expect to see a legend they shouldn't expect to see me go fresh out of the fucking horse stable where do i go is this the way to the green room is there going to be a lot of people i'm scared fortunately it all went it went great and uh fucking great people out there man once again and this was another place that was supposed to be a stop on the uh billy red state tour and um i don't know for any comics who are listening to this don't buy into that horseshit

that these are flyover states they're beautiful places to go and the people are ridiculously appreciative that you showed up they're psyched and they always say the same shit can you tell this person tell this person you know they're always asking for jim norton and all these guys that i know from the opi and anthony show telling them to come out there you know we like comedy too so i passed the word on to them and a lot of them have started coming out which is cool um i just hope that they don't become uh i don't know jaded like when you play like the bigger cities and just like whatever whatever man you know i got other things to do man it was great and they actually bought a bunch of dvds which is phenomenal because i got a

bunch of them sitting in my garage i feel like my garage is filled with fucking laser discs i gotta get those things out of there um anyways so oh the douche on southwest sorry i'm all over the place today so we're flying back um quick flight back out in 45 minutes fucking phenomenal and uh you know the southwest people they always try to be funny put a smile on your face most times they're not and this guy was actually kind of funny then we go to land we're landing in los angeles and this fucking asshole gets on the the the fucking mic and starts going you know he's like going welcome to los angeles which is a uh interesting place yes very interesting kept doing this weird laugh and i'm looking at me at first of all

sounded creepy as fucking hell um i don't want to be homophobic but the guy sounded gay you know the gay accent so i used to do a joke on this like gay people come from all 50 states yet they they kind of all have the same accent which isn't true but generally speaking there is a gay accent which makes no sense how did that joke that's how that joke used to go like if you were from gay from alabama you're like hey buddy i'd really like to suck your dick like that's the way you should sound to do a stereotypical redneck accent with my stereotypical gay accent right but they don't i grew up in alabama let's just say i'm not going back there it's probably more valley girl you know what the fuck i'm saying that's what the guys sounded like

so i'm just sitting there in the back going like did uh you know this guy get blown in west hollywood and somebody stole his wallet did he want to be the next jim j uh buffins whatever the fuck the guy's name is from too close for comfort i don't know what his fucking deal was but i'm just sitting there my head going yet another the most fucked up thing about living in los angeles i've never lived in a city where everybody trashes it everybody just shits on it and it kills me about that that's the this is the only fucking city where you could do that i guess you can kind of make like a gambling joke but you can actually land in los angeles not give a fuck that everybody there lives on the plane for the most part lives there and then just shit on it um

i can't fucking draw me nuts strive me fucking is which a interesting place that's just like well what the fuck are you doing what makes you such a good person what happened to you here huh what sitcom did you test for and you got too coked up the night before and you fucking blew it huh what were you supposed to be unwilling grace there um sorry you know what it is i'm defensive of la at this point because i have to live out here because this is the fucking business i don't have to but you know it makes life a lot fucking easier to be where everybody else is in this business you know if i was into fucking computers i'd go move up to uh the fucking uh the valley up there the silicone valley which for the life of me i don't know what why do they call

it silicone isn't it what's in fake titties is it i don't fucking know anyways let's do a little bit of advertising here uh oh thanks everybody who listened to the uh very special um bonus podcast this week with j more if you didn't listen to it and you always wondered what harvey kytel would sound like doing bad 80 stand up it's a musseless it really is a musseless nothing but rave reviews uh other than one one person one person shit on it was saying how lame uh j more was and he called them j snore so literally this person is telling me that my guest is lame and then his joke is a pun you know that kind of kind of kills your credibility uh i think j's a fucking genius man my face actually hurt from smiling by the end of it this fucking ridiculous impressions

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you go in there drugstores are the absolute worst it's just a complete cross-pollination of everybody from alcoholics and drug addicts i was in the the cvs the other day or the dwayne reed and dwayne aid whatever the fuck they have out here and this fucking dude came in with just pants on that's it just pants on he didn't have on any underwear because i could see at least three quarters of his ass crack hanging out of the back of his fucking pants and he wasn't even that fat he had a beer belly but he's still at his he's still at his high school hips or maybe he just pushed his fucking corduroy's down that far you know so he walks out i walk up behind him he has a dollar in his hand and for some reason he fucking spits a glob of spit on it and then sticks

it to the side of the of the uh the cvs dwayne aid reed fucking thing there right and then walks away and within two seconds it's blew down on the ground and i was just like well i guess that's what i would do if i didn't have a wallet i have no idea but i don't want to look at that that's why dollar shave club everybody um right now dollar shave club for a couple of bucks a month you could avoid that nightmare and you can get amazing quality razor blades delivered right to your door they can't make it any easier that's right no more wasting time and no more getting hit up for 20 bucks every time you buy razors everybody here meaning me is getting the dollar shave club blades and you know what you should too you don't have to but you should just want to make your life easier

and here's a genius idea try replacing your old shaving cream with dr cavie's easy shave butter from dollar shave club dot com trust me your face will thank you later don't waste time at the drug store behind a lady paying in pennies go to dollar shave club dot com forward slash burr or go to bill burr dot com and click on the dollar shave club banner keep your stress level low and your bank account high shave time shave money go to dollar shave club dot com forward slash burr uh there you go you know it's funny every time i say keep your uh your your your stress level low and your bank account balance high i point i point down and then i point up i don't know why desperately trying to help myself have a good read it's part of my ritual okay hulu plus

hulu plus everybody you've probably tried hulu dot com unless you live in under a rock now with hulu plus you can watch your favorite shows anytime anywhere hulu plus lets you watch thousands of hit tv shows and a selection of acclaimed movies on your television or on the go with your smartphone or tablet and it all streams in hd for the best viewing experience with hulu plus you can watch your favorite current tv shows like saturday night live community and family guy you can also check out exclusive content including hulu originals like the awesomes starring snl seth mias and moonboy starring chris o dowd from bridesmaid uh bridesmaids hulu plus also offers a great selection of acclaimed films for only 7 99 a month you can

stream as many tv shows and movies as you want wherever you want right now you can try hulu plus for free for two weeks when you go to hulu plus dot com slash bill that's a special offer from my listeners make sure you use hulu plus dot com slash bill so you get an extended free trial and that they know that we send you go to hulu plus dot com slash bill now or click the hulu plus banner on the podcast page at bill bird dot com all right there you go there's two two reads two down what do i got to go one two all right two and two two and two this week people two and two we gotta find ourselves a new kind of energy all right what to talk about next um um oh this week all billy redfakes all alabaster chests all milky legs himself

it's gonna be out in hawaii honolulu hawaii i'm doing a show out there on friday night and it's just me myself and i um i don't have an opener uh it's just gonna be me and uh i'm gonna be doing a whole bunch of material because i'm getting ready to do a special this year baby getting ready to do another one i gotta be honest with you i don't know what i'm gonna put it out on i feel like i still have to make dvds for people my age and on up who like to have the hard copy you know did i mention that neah hooked up our stereo um i bought her this stereo when we first started dating uh it was one of the i think our first christmas together that's what i got her and i was sitting there going like i don't know if she's gonna like this but um

she seemed like sort of an artsy nerd like me and uh i'm not really artsy but whatever i'm a fucking nerd i get into shit and um i took a shot she absolutely fucking flipped out she loved it so she was living you know wasn't living with me at the time and i hooked it up and i don't know what happened i forgot how to do it the wires got crossed through moving i don't know a few years ago when we were still living in an apartment was the last time i hooked it up properly and i don't know what was going on i couldn't figure the fucking thing out when we moved into our house so it's just been sitting there and i figured it was a few years old i thought it was broken so i go on the road and uh when i come back she had the whole thing set up

and was playing like some pink floyd and all this type it was fucking awesome and i'm masculating all at the same time and um how the fuck did i get into that i was just going to hawaii the hell was my point there i don't fucking know oh i know yeah i was talking about what am i gonna put out my uh my new album on i have no idea well maybe like you know people will still like dvds i have no idea i'm still gonna burn off some i can tell you right now i'm not gonna make 5 000 of them you have 4500 of them sitting in my fucking garage like i have a second car that doesn't go anywhere oh Jesus you know one of my goals in life is is to have a clean garage i don't want to be that guy that has the fucking garage that you can't even

put the car in um thank god i got my old truck sitting in there so that takes up most of it i gotta pull you guys want to hear about my garage we'll go around the garage i got my 68 f 100 three on the tree over there and then i got the uh i got a i got a pull up dip station and then on the ground there's this thing for push-ups if you want but i still have those perfect push-ups things i don't know if they're perfect but they're fucking hard i can tell you that and um tell me what else do i have i have a 10 or a 12 speed bike that i bought when i was like in either i think the ninth ninth grade i've had it forever and i still ride the fucking thing every once in a while um can anybody explain to me why if you

don't if you ride a bicycle every day it doesn't really need air in the tires but if you just let it sit there the air goes out of them can you guys answer some just some day-to-day simple like science questions for me that i don't understand how come i can lay on a couch for four hours catatonic barely moving and i'm fine but if i fall asleep for five minutes on the couch at my i wake up like oh it's chilly and i need a blanket i mean it's just shifting my weight every five minutes is that enough to keep my body temperature up that i don't need a blanket it could be the middle of the fucking summer i mean unless there's a bunch of humidity and you don't have ac or whatever i'm just saying it could be just perfectly comfortable it could be like

goddamn 72 degrees perfect weather in your goddamn living room and me anyways and if i if i fall asleep for more than five seven minutes i wake up and my shoulders are cold and i gotta put a blanket on i have to grab a little blankie like a little twinkle toes there um why is that what else what else is there i know i i have a bunch of these little ones that i just don't understand those are two if someone could explain the same thing with the car if you leave it sitting there too long the air goes out of the tires they become flat after a while does the air feel not needed well i don't think this guy's coming back

go somewhere else i don't know i know i sound like a moron go fuck yourself um so anyways i'm gonna be in hawaii this weekend which uh i'm really excited about and um i'm gonna go to the pro bowl this year so look for me i'll be wearing a robin williams hawaiian shirt um drinking some millis and uh i think it's gonna be a fun game this year i like that they're choosing upsides i heard that they're not it's not gonna be nfc versus afc they're gonna choose upsides and then they're not gonna have kickoffs which i think is good because it's such a weird like it's you can't play the game because no one wants to get hurt i think they should just play flag football they should just play flag football and they should just mic up the players because

you can play hockey an all-star game and hockey you can just play you just play you know basically non-contact not going too hard and guys can still entertain the crowd with the stick handling the shots and all that type of stuff same thing with basketball um you don't have to go that hard and everybody can watch a 150 to 145 game and and baseball the baseball all-star game is the best because it actually means something and they actually come out and play um but you know it's a non-contact sport what are you gonna do you know unless somebody tries to bean you with the ball or if you're talking about the ball hitting the bat there um so anyways i'm gonna be out there and gonna be doing probably at least an hour and a half on stage because i gotta i gotta blow it out

and then tighten it up right before um my uh my special comes out and then i'm gonna weed out the weak ones it's like making an nfl roster and i probably got it you know 55 guys on it and i got a cut was it like 10 of them 12 of them i don't fucking know but uh a couple you guys been asking me still have been asking me um about when my carnegie hall album is coming out uh we were on the final stages and hopefully it's gonna be out may june it took forever um because i was dealing with uh you know carnegie is a very prestigious place they gotta make sure all the eyes and dot and the t's across whatever the fucking expression is so it's it's been very long and very tedious and uh but eventually it is coming out i'm gonna she's psyched and it's only coming

out on album only so get your stereos today and um you know and if somebody's gonna be like well how come you won't put it out on other stuff because there's too much overlap and material between that and it's basically the hour i was doing when i was leading up to recording my last special so i don't want to fuck people over and put out you know 2d dvds are the same fucking thing or a cd that's the same as the dvd so i'm letting you know right now it's like three quarters the same material i tell it differently every night but basically it's the same shit there's a couple extra lines and maybe some lines from the special it isn't in there and then there's a chunk of shit that uh didn't make the special for whatever fucking reason and it's only coming out on vinyl

there i've told you what the deal is so don't come crying at me afterwards um is that the worst selling job of a fucking album ever um all right so what am i talking about all right let's get down to the pro football this week everybody pro football oh jesus um let's see what do we gotta say all right that first game like i kind of went the the patriots broncos kind of went the way that i thought it was gonna go uh i didn't think that we were going to win and uh congratulations to the broncos they definitely were the best team in the afc this year and um um i uh i don't know i i still saw some articles out there i'm surprised at how many people who write and talk about sports that uh talked about you know the disappointing end to the patriot season and everything i mean i

just feel like well what they were working with that was one of the best seasons i've seen bella check brady have um i never would have thought in september where the fuck we were at i would never would have thought that week we could have uh gotten as far as we did and uh you know so i'm looking at it like it's success i saw some great up and coming stars on defense and i'm looking forward to next year and uh and i'm actually psyched that the broncos in a way i'm psyched i never liked seeing my team lose but i'm psyched that they are because you know paint manning that fucking unbelievable offense they got a really solid defense they should be there i want to see a good super bowl and um i know bella check was complaining about uh welkers and i'm gonna use

air quotes hit on tilib i didn't think that it was uh i mean i don't know the game the way he does but i didn't look dirty to me at all if anything looked like he got the worst of the hit initially it looked like he was trying to get out of the way um i've never known welker to do anything he never did any of that dirty shit he's a little fella out there with a giant football helmet now was he wearing like an anti-concussion for the rest of my life helmet did anybody else notice that his helmet was like a third bigger than it usually has he looked like he looked like is it kazoo and the flintstones his head look look at his helmet was fucking eating his head i was like oh look at look at look at west welker way in there in that helmet um

but anyways the uh i don't know the broncos looked really really really strong yesterday and uh you know this was a tough year for me to watch football because i got married and then i also spent three weeks in europe so i don't even know guy's fucking name all i can tell you is that 88 that 80 fucking killed us uh especially that fucking 88 like and i swear to god like if guy had four catches like a hundred yards within like a quarter it seemed i just remember the time he caught that fourth one i'm literally sitting there on the couch going are they gonna fucking cover that guy is it is it still a mystery what the fuck is going on 88 do something about 88 right um hanging in there rooting for the team and all that type of

oh you know what you know it's funny was i was on the uh the southwest flight with the douche trash and la when the game started and i taped the game i i dvd at it and i i had my phone off i put my headphones on in the airport pulled my hat down walked by all the bars didn't look at anything had the music cranked when i was sitting at the little turnstile waiting for my bag and i somehow i was able with all the technology and all the streaming shit i was able to get home and having no idea who was doing what ran into the house sat down and i was able to put it on and um and it was great because i got to fast forward through all the commercials i got to fast forward through halftime and i got to watch this this you know this great game everybody wasn't a great

game i mean uh broncos really dominated even though we were in it somehow in the end i'll get back to that later um but anyways so congratulations to the broncos and all that shit and uh good for pate man because you know i read something where he was you know his neck was all fucked up he didn't know if he's gonna play again so he seems really psyched obviously to be back so good on him and then on to um seattle 49ers which i felt was the super bowl and um kind of still feel that way i felt like whoever won that game was gonna be uh i just you know it's just the ebb and flow of the conferences there's always one conference that is stronger and um i don't know it was a fucking heavyweight battle man just a great game and fortunately there was only a couple of those

soccer mom um um bullshit fucking calls like that that that one that they called in the first quarter had me up off the couch um that unnecessary roughness where it was uh it was against the 49ers i mean it was just a textbook lead with your shoulder wasn't helmet to helmet and troy ekman goes well he does launch himself it's like troy he has how else do you tackle you supposed to you got to launch yourself at the target i i that was one of the worst fucking calls i think eventually they said it was a bad call it was perfect but those are those fucking calls man that i i think that's yet another reason why all of dan marino's records are falling because that should have been the end of the drive um i think it was third down i don't remember but but generally speaking it ends a drive

an incomplete pass and then they call unnecessary reference roughness it keeps the drive going and then the quarterback gets to continue throwing the ball down the field adding more yards to their resume um in this era when you can't really cover a receiver past five yards you can't even look at them or you get a fucking flag fortunately there was only a couple of those calls um and obviously there's gonna be a rule change with um i really should know the names of these guys i just don't this year i've just been fucking traveling so much but uh the guy in the 49ers this is so disrespectful because he gave up his goddamn knee to make the play he recovered the fumble he was he was touched by a seattle player it should have been a turnover but uh fortunately was justice where they uh seattle

turned over the ball a couple plays later so what they really just got fucked out of about 30 seconds on the clock but um i don't know it was just an awesome awesome awesome fucking game and um um i don't know i i think in the end i just think capernick is inexperienced um kind of caught up with him a little bit just some of the decisions that he made but but that guy is the real deal and he's not afraid of the moment so i just think that unfortunately for 49ers fans they're gonna have to wait at least another year but i think that that guy's got he definitely has what it takes man um he's definitely a winner in that type of thing so it was just it was a great fucking game and um

so now we're into the super bowl now we're into the super bowl so now you have to wonder you got to wonder right if you like me um all i want to do is see the fucking game i don't want to listen to the the pregame and post game analysis you know there's always one person that's gonna make you know all the quotes and all that type of shit and yada yada yada yada yada yada so this is what i do this this is all you gotta do if you just want to watch the fucking game um i would um just put on the nhl network for the next two weeks is basically what you want to do get into nhl hockey you won't have to watch any of the fucking analysis where they're gonna go the entire roller coaster um i don't know it's just lazy journalism and whoever talks

shit and that type of thing they're gonna get a hundred percent of the fucking attention and it's just gonna it's just it's absolutely fucking nauseating like um yesterday you know at the end of the game the seattle uh 49ers game i felt like uh tommy lee jones in no country for old men where it just sort of has passed you by and you can't even make sense of it anymore um i gotta tell you i talked about this on um on forest shahs and al jackson's podcast what the fuck is it called jesus christ i'm so old i can't remember anything anymore um whatever just google that you'll find it i talked about that that shit now how everybody whether you catch a four-yard pass or you hit a layup and you get fouled and it goes in like all these athletes now they got to

do that stupid fucking they do that yell like they're in 300 like they just slayed a dragon hit a fucking layup ticky-tack foul and won even pal gasol does it now oh what is that it's fucking the stupidest did jerry rice ever do that did jordan ever fucking do that you know it's fucking hilarious i saw uh who was it yesterday it was at golden tate is a great fucking receiver critical moment in the game they need a first down it catches the ball he has first down yardage i don't know if he didn't know where he was on the field but rather than just dropping to the ground he cuts back inside now he's behind the first down line and then has to fight like hell to get across so he basically makes the play fucks it up and

is able to recover and then he gets up screaming like he's god's gift i gotta tell you this right now this is why marshawn lynch is might be my favorite player favorite athlete out there because the fact that he's doing what he's doing every week and i guess he my buddy was telling me he just said i'm not talking to the media this year and got fine 50 grand and he didn't give a fuck he only wants to do is win the goddamn game like that guy and that guy just runs over people and gets up basically gets up not saying doesn't celebrate a touchdown but he just gets up and walks back to the huddle i love that shit and as much as they're gonna talk about um oh what's his face there for running his yap i have to tell you a cornerback is not going to win

the super bowl for you he can shut down that part of the field but what can i i think what's going to be the difference in the super bowl is going to be i think it's going to be marshawn lynch because i think seattle has a better defense but the broncos have also have a really strong defense so um i give the nod to seattle there but it's not this such a giant gap that the game is over all right and then when you go to the quarterback position obviously um you got Peyton Manning okay and seattle's best weapon against Peyton Manning is not their defense it's actually marshawn lynch okay Peyton Manning the way he's playing this year playing that guy it's basically it would be like if you owned a poisonous snake all right and you got to take it out of the tank

to fucking clean the goddamn tank and no matter how careful you are eventually you're gonna get bit by that fucker the only way not to get bit by that fucker is to keep the son of a bitch in the tank and the best way to do that is with a great running game okay and i've seen this before in past in in uh championship games where you have this unstoppable quarterback and the guy's sitting on the fucking bench he's not even sweating he's been there so fucking long because the other team is just running the ball and my big knock against the Broncos despite the fact that they are a great team is that they don't put people away they had both against san diego and the patriots they for the most part dominated the game but at the end of the fucking game they let they let the charges

hang around they even let us hang around like if we made that two point conversion that onside kick if we get it we can actually drive down the field and somehow could tie it like that's the situation they were in after absolutely dominating the game with like four minutes to go whatever they were still in that situation and i don't know i think that eventually bites you in the ass so i don't know i i just think that it's gonna be uh i think martian lynch is gonna be the difference if they are gonna and obviously they're offensive line but uh they only need to open this the smallest of hole and that guy is just i don't know it's the he's like this devastating combination of like url campbell and like walter patin i mean he's fucking unbelievable and um and

with that so what you're gonna be now is you're gonna be inundated with people uh you know talking about uh what's his face there uh shannon sharp charmin they're gonna be talking about this guy up and down up and down the brash outspoken they'll go all the way once they've exhausted that and then they'll be like is is it but is it an inferiority complex and then they'll get tired of doing that and then they'll talk about his upbringing and they'll say whether his father was there whether his father wasn't there and yada yada all that fucking horseshit so what i do for the two weeks in between is i just watch hockey all right this is how you do it you just fucking watch you watch hockey or whatever go work out for two weeks get yourself in great shape because you know you're

gonna eat like shit during the super bowl and just don't put on sports center just don't watch the shit unless you're into it i'm i'm not into it i think if you're one of those people who watches the game with a jersey on at home and you put eyeliner under your eyes and you yell things like all day all day at your tv i think you actually want to watch the super bowl coverage but uh if you're a fucking regular fan which i actually came to a piece here with seattle fans because i was looking at seattle fans the way people look at like the fires out here in california it wasn't fair how i was looking at them because they weren't showing the diehards they were showing the jerk offs like did you see that guy in the lime green pimp suit you know what i mean where the fuck has

that guy been you know come on who does that what kind of a real fucking fan does that you just go to the goddamn game you watch the fucking game you put a little money on it you drink some fucking beers whatever crack jokes or whatever and you watch the fucking game so anyways um this so this is how i watch the game basically i i don't i watch hl hockey and then this year i'm not going to a super bowl party i'm going to be at home and uh what i love doing i told you guys this last year is you start the game like 90 minutes after it started just wait like an hour and a half have a couple people over who really like football you have a couple of beers you shoot the shit blah blah blah you got the grill going and all that type of thing and about an hour and a half

in you fast forward through all of the crap in the beginning which i think is going to be the chili peppers i actually like the two music bruno mars and uh music axia bruno mars and the chili peppers but i i'm there to watch the game you know what i mean if i want to see either one of those bands play and like halfway through it they played a little bit of touch football in the middle of it that would also be annoying um so you fast forward through all of that crap and then the person you know trying to make a record career out of singing the national anthem you fast forward through all of that fucking shit now you're into the game and you can fast forward through all the stupid fucking commercials and you just watch the game and then you get to fast forward through all of

the halftime and then basically you catch up somewhere in like the third quarter um at which point the game is really starting to get tense because you know championship is on the line that's basically how i do it um if if you uh if you like me if you're the tommy lee jones of uh of sports fans at this point and you can't even remotely relate to what happened at the end of the game yesterday like why you would do that and how it was actually mildly depressing like is that's going to be the new thing that you have to do um i don't know i don't fucking know i just hope that that uh i hope that that's just a unique personality and that everybody doesn't start doing that because uh i don't know you play sports you

fucking try to kick the shit out of the guy and in the end you just go hey good game that's what you do nobody choked in that game yesterday that was a fucking great game and i just felt like that whole all of that crap it just took away from i had i watched a great game and now i got to sit there and listen to all these fucking lazy journalists who are all gonna like moths to a fucking light are all gonna go up to that complete non-fucking story it's just a non-fucking story anyways um with that with that let's get to more uh let's get to more advertising oh and by the way seattle you know you might finally have something to cheer about you guys are one fucking game away and if you guys win i hope you understand how ridiculous that loudest crowd thing was

all right and retiring your jersey you're retiring your fucking come on real football fans of seattle come on they retired your number i mean are you guys all dying out there and there was some sort of make a wish thing that they had to do for you i mean i just i can't get past that and the fact that the teams never won a championship what do they say it i don't i don't i don't understand so hopefully you know either way it's gonna be uh it's gonna be a great thing to see uh either see Peyton Manning win one win another one uh which you know reminds me when John Elway who also played for the Broncos maybe that's a little storyline they could run with and and then the

other thing is seattle finally wins a uh finally wins a super bowl gets the monkey off their back either way it's it's gonna be uh it's gonna be a good thing and uh i will definitely have be fast-forwarding through commercials and i will not be watching any post game or any of that fucking crap mute button will be right at the fingertips oh billy lee jones i'm trying to i'm trying to what i'm trying to do is through modern technology still make it seem like what it was like when i watched the super bowl in this the the late 70s early 80s where it was just the fucking game you know i just sound like a grumpy old man and you know what i'm you're right i am i am but either way congratulations to uh the broncos in the seahawks it's uh you know

this is i like that there's no real underdog you got the two two really kind of the best teams although i really felt the 49ers also yeah i think they should have been there too um that's why i felt NFC was the the super bowl but whatever it's still gonna be hopefully it's gonna be an awesome fucking game and uh you know there'll be nobody wigging out either at the end of the fucking game i literally thought that dude was gonna start crying that's fucking uncomfortable uncomfortable is hell that was like seeing the nerd finally beat up the bully you know and you finally ball up your fist you punch him and you win the fight you you're almost crying it was just i don't know i don't fucking know i don't know what what has

happened to sports can we hey espn can we you know 100 access can you dial it back down to like maybe 40 access can you stop interviewing fucking coaches fox and whatever nbc as they're jogging off the field trying to think of their halftime adjustments can we just stop fucking doing that i don't give a fuck nhl can we stop interviewing players in between the fucking uh periods is just sitting there still out of breath from their last shift and that fucking drop a fucking sweat hanging off their nose looking like snot that they have to keep wiping and then it comes back again can we just enough i don't give a fuck what happened in that first period i just watched the first period i know what happened what do you think you have to do in the second period

um oh maybe score more goals if any nhl players listening to this uh i'll give you a free podcast t-shirt even though you're gonna get fined probably 100 grand by the league is there any way you could wipe your nose on the blouse of the person who's interviewing you in between periods just reach out and grab that tie just dab your eyes you know i got nothing to give you you're a millionaire athlete but could you just do it for the just for the fucking ridiculousness of it like they're not going to interview you after the fucking game like i have to have it they got that fucking guy who stands down there and what looks like the penalty box in between the fucking benches whatever the fuck his name is prince fielder the hell's his name

prince harry standing down there well i'll tell you it's really starting to heat up down here like why do i need to hear that guy poor basher's got to stand up for three periods and his loafers probably got hammered toes by the end of the year less access do you think you could do that you think you could actually start a sports network that could compete with espn and the whole thing is less access you know no mic'd up players you just fucking uh just trim the fat can i just go back to watch a bob lobel at the end of the news just seeing five minutes of the shit can i just see that as he sits there in a fucking blazer you know every once in a while

takes a day off and new me comes in bob new maya i miss those days i really miss those fucking days um all right legal zoom dot com everybody all right some things like stat and a business or protecting your family with a will aren't like your other new year's resolutions you can't afford to blow them off instead of less snacking and more exercise put them at the top of your list thank you to the listener who actually let me know how to read that sentence legal zoom helps you incorporate or form an llc with their simple questionnaire starting at just 99 bucks over 1 million entrepreneurs have done it and 90 percent of customers recommend legal zoom to friends and family you can also create a will starting at just 69 bucks or even a living

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of your business and make more money in 2014 go to e voice dot com and enter bill at check out for your 60 day free trial that's e voice dot com promo code bill i've really upped my out reading out loud game i don't give a fuck if you guys still think i stink i'm not as bad as i used to be how about that all right where are we right now 54 minutes and we haven't even started had so much to talk about this week we haven't even started doing any of the reads i did get a chance to watch a couple uh about 10 minutes of the second period my flight yesterday was during the bruins black hawks game and uh i love that the black hawks beat the ducks and they're still the team to beat i really love that franchise uh did they're they're doing it

the right fucking way they really are and um i don't know who's going to knock them off but i gotta tell you if you want to get into hockey i would definitely suggest watching the playoffs when they come up out west with black hawks the ducks the kings the sharks at some point and they're going to push through i mean they just really got a lot of great teams out there uh they play great hockey who would have ever thought that in hockey going through anaheim los angeles in san jose would be a brutal road trip it's fucking unreal it's a great thing anyways um enough with the movies uh big bad bill is sweet william now okay here comes some criticism for the week i like this i like having the occasional criticism you guys can start sending in your

criticisms of the week uh just put that in the uh the subject line like she is okay bill of all your comedic and podcast talents of which there are many look what he's doing he set me up oh he's pat me on the head because of all your yada yada your talents and all that shit movie reviews is not one of them do i do movie reviews i don't think i do he goes to be to be blunt you suck at reviewing movies when you say things like you know the one guy who was in that other one where they did that thing you sound like tony soprano talking on a compromised phone line and when was the last time when every movie you saw wasn't great the only moderately intelligent thing i heard you say regarding movies was last summer

when you went off on the whole pg-13 zombie movie trend which of course was spot on it's entirely ridiculous to have a zombie flick that isn't rated r at the minimum they should all probably be nc-17 well you know what's funny sir mr criticism was i was actually wrong i already forget the name of the movie that movie marzvolta what the fuck was it called bread world war z how the fuck did i get marzvolta with marz there it is there was the z in there i have a learning disability you asshole and i was wrong about that what was what actually made world war z great was the fact that it was pg-13 so then relying on gore and shock and 3d and all that crap they couldn't they actually had to build suspense and that's what's missing

out of a lot of fucking of the uh the big time summer movies there you go how's that critique how does that grab you were actually fucking wrong about that world war z is a great fucking movie great i loved it two thumbs up two freckled thumbs right up your fucking ass all right let's finish this critique here he goes but when talking about individual movies you might want to consider not doing that oh Jesus christ you might want to consider having some sort of original criticisms that are speaking in soundbites you might want to consider not doing that um he goes or maybe get one of your comedy in quote in quotes friends to guest review movies for you oh you don't think my friends are funny you don't think that i know people who are funny is that what you're saying so

what do you do who are you shitting on here with your little hipster air quotes uh he then goes on to say i'm sure you have one or 20 that would desperately be grateful for the exposure look at that look at that see that now he's making fun of the desperation of being in uh show business this is all kinds of just lefts and little little pitter pat writes you know little fly weight here work in the body he goes just trying to be helpful anyways you will probably continue to do this but i hope from now on you will have a little voice in your head telling you it's a bad idea there's his ego wanting to help that you know he affects my reads in the future or whatever the fuck it is that i'm doing ego that would be enough for me even if you don't read this on the podcast

p.s bella check and his cheaters are no different than all those roid pumping home run record holders all right sounds like a colts fan um anyways uh sir i don't review movies i don't review movies and when i watch them i can't remember who's in them i can't remember the names of people i can't remember it's it's you know what it is it's part of getting old and you have other shit to do with your life you know i'm sure you still have a fucking uh orson wells poster on your wall whoever's the young hottie today ryan gossling right i'm sure you have one of those up on your wall and this is like a big part of your fucking life but it isn't a big part of my life it isn't all right i i only have so much time i have too many fucking

hobbies i can't remember that i can't remember the names of restaurants all the restaurants that we have out here i just they're just i just have nicknames for them i don't know why you know maybe i talk on a cell phone too much but uh you know you know it's funny one of my favorite movies of all time is no country for old men that already i can't remember if i even said this already no country for old men i just watched it again last night and i i always forget if it's old man or old man i think i already said that in this podcast didn't i did i i don't fucking know um anyways well whatever sir yeah you will be in my head every time i say it now but it's going to be in a good way knowing that i'm annoying the shit out of you um and in the future

if you ever want a comedian to stop doing something one of the best things you could do is not let them know that what they're doing annoys you because that's one of my favorite things to do is to annoy the shit out of people so there you go my movie reviews will continue and i will be thinking about you sir every time i do them um you might want to think about not doing that oh jesus christ hey guys how about more chive on t-shirts they're all hilarious oh jesus um come to greece hey bill if you ever come in i can't even i don't know what that is thessaloniki greece there will be a house waiting for you huge fan

oh isn't that nice isn't that nice well sir i i hope someday i get to i would love to do stand up in greece go over there make a couple hundred bucks you know go out there look at some ruins and some fucking greek women i'm up for it um all right dude those those chive on t-shirts are this generation's i'm with stupid t-shirts jesus christ i'm fucking believable i think i've seen every chive on what does it carry on is that what it was relax and and that's what it is relax and i don't even know what the fuck they say i just keep seeing people with them and i just it just always blows my mind like how do you still think that's funny or just a funny t-shirt in general i just love how it's like the joke that doesn't leave like somebody reads it and it's funny and

then they laugh and then then you're still standing there with the joke on your t-shirt you guys remember how they used to end that that show police squad or they used to make fun of uh when they would do the free freeze frames like on uh chips when chips used to end somebody would always make a joke and then they'd start laughing and then they'd freeze it and then they'd show some credits and then they'd have the the footage move a little more and then somebody else would do something else would make everybody laugh and then they'd freeze that they kind of made fun of that except they weren't freezing the frame and they were just standing there that's basically what those t-shirts are it's the police squad ending version of a t-shirt right jesus that was a long

way to go i need a glass of water all right response to college kid dealing with rumors hey billy buttfuck jesus christ can we be nicer in 2014 he said i'm having some i have some advice for the kid who was dealing with the rumor of him getting a younger girl drunk and fucking her in the elevator all right so obviously you're assuming that this dude was innocent how can i get out of the abyss of these sexual the sex crime questions here or potential sex crimes um all right here we go i'm a recent college grad who had to deal with tons of rumors being made about me i was in a fraternity that's a red flag i partied a lot red flag number two throughout my college career career he comes from money red flag number three um and fuck you don't think i'm just some typical

douche bag you don't know my life ah you busted me you busted me that was awesome ah shit he goes i used to deal with the same thing i would go to introduce myself to girls and once they found out who i was they would either walk away or get that fuck off look on their faces all right now what did you do what we were accused of here he goes this kid needs to stop being a pussy and just fucking go with it he should be like yeah i fucked that chick in the elevator yeah that doesn't sound like a frat guy here frat guy advice uh he'd get some respect from dudes at parties and if he walked around with confidence and embrace it girls will eventually come around too all right so this guy's taking the uh just continue

being a dick which uh actually it is it is very uh it is effective uh he goes from personal experience as much girls would want nothing to do with me the same amount of girls would actually come on to me because of all the outrageous things i've done or have been rumored to have done none of which you're bringing up he said he's in college there's tons of hot easy chicks who want to hook up with wild guy all right this guy's gross all right i'm moving on um article on comics being psychos uh billy stray jacket i was at the wilter and theater gig and it was the best new years i've ever had well you know what it was one of the best i've had it too man you guys were a great crowd so thank you um he says i hope you come

back next year even if there's an overlap in material people pay to see the stones touched through jumping jack flash every goddamn year yeah but you can't dance to my jokes what's the fucking deal with obama i can't i can't sing them it's just no dude you know what it is you think that you want you don't mind if there's overlap well i guess you are saying overlap but you're still saying come with some new shit believe me i would love to do the wilter and every year that was such a thrill to work there so i'm glad you were there anyways um he says enough asking kissing i'm sure you've seen this article making the rounds about comics being psychos what are your thoughts my girlfriend said you

made a comment about it on twitter was hoping you could elaborate uh go fuck yourself and tell nia we love her um oh yeah yeah there was a study by scientists we're trying to figure out i guess why comedians are funny and then they just said that because we're basically we share the same traits or we are psychos um i started to read that and um it's ridiculous um to attribute it to that it's first of all they're they're making it's it's just a giant generalization there are comics who are psychos but there are also truck drivers who are psychos there's teachers there's mothers there's dentists there's lawyers heads of corporations politicians there psychos exists um i really don't feel that it that that article has basically no credit on for me anyways

as far as like i'm not saying that comedians aren't psychos um but i mean this sounded like they were saying literally psychos i mean we're out of our fucking minds but i think a lot of people are um but my the the reason why i don't buy into it it might be i'm defensive because i am a comedian i will entertain that but nobody i know was interviewed for that article and no comic i know who's worth a shit would would want to take time out of their day because that's a that's like at the very least the only people they got were either struggling new or old desperate like comics who just needed 25 bucks to be part of this study and then their comics there's no fucking way i would ever go into a lab and somebody's like asking me questions there is no

fucking way i could resist giving misinformation and watching the guy write it down and add it into his lab book with fucking beakers and graduated cylinders behind him i would have all i could do to hold a straight face throughout the entire process so um look if you want to know why people are funny it's a gift you're just born with it the same way somebody can uh a carpenter is born with a gift you just you're just born with gifts that's it's just it's a gift it's not like oh maybe if i'm more like this i'll be funnier you just you either can do it or you can't and then like any gift if you work at it if you appreciate the gift you've been given and then you try to develop it you can get better at it you could actually get funnier

if you push yourself it's weird i didn't think i thought you were kind of born with your level of funny but it's it's like any other talent you just got to keep working but if you're not born with it it's like me i can't i mean i can't sing i'd love to be able to sing doesn't stop me from singing on the fucking podcast but like you got to be born with that i could take as many singing lessons as i wanted to and you could sit there and try to break down the the psychology of a musician i'm not a musician as much as i would love to be i still play drums as a as a fucking hobby i also cook a little bit but you wouldn't want to go to my restaurant there all right so that's what i think about i think it's ridiculous and i thought it was really funny that some of the

tweets i got were um i love this one guy like just the fucking ego on just the the average everyday person because they always talk about how people in the public eye are ego maniacs i don't think we're any different than anybody in the fucking crowd it's the same level ego some guy sends me this fucking tweet and he goes this article proves what i've always thought about comedians oh really your study that you never did with all the comedians you never hung out with and this this one fucking article proves it i don't know it's more like aren't you just unhappy with your own life on some level and it's great to see that they're saying that these people who do this admirable thing are actually all psychopaths so it makes you feel better about whatever your

lot in life i don't fucking know um whatever that's that's what i feel about it i might be wrong maybe i'm a psycho and i can't wrap my head around it all right imperial japanese hold hold out dies at 91 hey wild bill redcock oh they're so childish yet they always make me laugh uh you'll like this article one of several japanese soldiers who continued to to fight the war until the 1970s deep in the jungles of the philippines recently died at 91 yeah i talked about a couple of these guys there was like three of them who didn't know the war was ended and you know even when the the the leaflets of the flyers were dropped from planes they thought it was uh allied propaganda and they just

held the company line i think one of them one of them the first guy i think was the 1960s they finally got them late 60s and then they got two others in like the early 70s i think one guy went all the way to 1974 basically the end of the vietnam war he was still on some godforsaken island out in the pacific fight in world war two anyways he said it took his former commanding officer to find him in the jungle in his jungle hideout and tell him it was a wrap and he needed to stop killing philippinos for him to finally come home the guy was convicted guy was convinced seeing all the u.s military air traffic heading to vietnam that the war was still on despite hundreds of leaflets and newspapers flown in and dropped to his location uh the link is below go fuck yourself

and hope to see you in cleveland soon yeah that's a fascinating fascinating fucking story that that's what was a major chunk of that man's life uh jesus christ if i ever for some reason was chosen to give a speech on sticktuitiveness that would probably be the uh the that guy would be the lightning rod the crux of the speech um anyways uh long distance hiking is this this is the last one everybody this is it and then that's all there is for this week long distance hiking hey bill on january on the january 7th podcast you went off about getting stuck in the woods alone and mauled by giant animals last september me and two buddies hiked in hiked a portion of the 100 mile wilderness in main which is the last leg of the appellation trail took four days they went 40 miles in five

mountains with 35 pound packs on our backs dude i'm getting scared just fucking hearing about that i know there's a lot of people you fucking pussy go out there go out there with you and a couple of your fucking buddies when you can't hear see or anything other than just fucking nature and you start seeing tracks of animals that could maul you to death and it is no fucking joke um he said on our fourth and final day in the woods after getting rained on all night we encountered a bull moose on the trail if you've never seen a moose close up they're fucking huge jesus christ dude i thought you were gonna go a little more in depth than that i was all excited if you've never seen a moose close up yeah yeah they're fucking huge oh he goes on a little more like a full-size pickup truck huge

at first it didn't see us which is always dangerous and then like a scene out of a movie my friend stepped on a twig and it snapped under his foot what happened next was the most sphincter that i say tightening experience of my life this thing lifted its head up looks me right in the eye and starts charging down the trail at us oh my god all three of us dropped our packs and ran as fast as we could off the trail fortunately moose have shitty eyesight so we were able to lose it you know what i was actually picturing is i'm just picturing zdeno chara skating at me and just hoping he can't turn fortunately moose have shitty eyesight i figure with those long skinny legs they can't you know if you do a little barry sanders move you know dodge it at the last second um he said they

have shitty eyesight so we were able to lose it and he continued on down the trail no doubt to scare the shit out of some more hikers what we later learned is that september starts the rut from moose mating season so not only was this thing pissed we were in its house it wanted to fuck us um jesus christ you know as scary as that is i would actually love to do it just to see if i could uh if i could hike that far just the physical test of it but i would have to go out there with somebody really experienced who had a fucking firearm cocked and loaded and pointed in all directions and i'm in the center of it and then i think i could actually fucking do it whatever i have respect i have respect for fucking uh the wilderness and i'm i'm terrified of the ocean

i won't go in it it's fucking nuts all right if you had a medium-sized alligator in a pool i wouldn't go in that either why would i go into the ocean where all sharks other than the ones in aquariums exist i don't want to fucking do that all right and anyways all right that's the podcast for this week everybody um yeah that's it i'm really excited about this super bowl and uh try it this year try one year not to just watch all the fucking hype start the game an hour and a half late drink a couple millas and put it on i'm telling you can actually maybe get for the old guys out there maybe you can get back to some of the way it used to be um you know back in the old fucking days all right that's the podcast for this week um that's it go fuck yourselves

i'll talk to you next week and next week i'll be telling you stories about hawaii and the pro bowl always isn't that exciting well it is you