Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 1-21-16

Episode Date: January 22, 2016

Bill rambles about the history of wedgies, potter's graves and Carolina's field.

Ikea, tip of the week. Do you like to get a gift? You can count on us. Because until April 15, Ikea family members get a free children's menu at the purchase of a warm meal for adults. Ikea I'm just checking in on you. Just checking in on you.

How are you? How's your week going? Oh, don't worry. It's almost over. It's Thursday, right? Don't you get paid on Thursday? Back in the day, you did. You get that fucking check, right?

That little piece of paper with the numbers on it. Then you go down to the bank. You fucking, you're right on the back. You stick in the machine and then the numbers say you got this number, right? It's just a bunch of numbers. That's all it is. That's all it comes down to. I'm actually, I'm in a great mood.

I got a great night's sleep last night. Went out and visited some friends of mine and drove home about 80 miles an hour, 85, sometimes 90. Oh, I was cruising. And even when, you know, they fixed the highways at night, you know, which totally makes sense. You can't do it during the day, but you always get mad at night. You're like, Jesus fucking Christ. Even if there isn't traffic, they gotta invent a traffic jam. And you get all fucking mad because they're fixing a highway and fucking 1.30 in the morning when you should be in bed, right?

When the fuck else are they going to do it? That's what I just kept telling myself as I was getting mad. You know, I'd be cruising along. This is fucking great. This is great. Look at this flying down the fucking highway, 90 fucking miles an hour. You should be able to do this all the time. 24, 7.

Get the population down where whenever I fucking want, I can jump on the highway. Yeah, be there in five minutes. Right over. Right. And then all of a sudden you come over the hill and you see that arrow and then you see the brake lights and you just go, ah, you fucking assholes. You know, I had AC DC cranking because I'm a middle aged, not even middle aged. 47 times two is fucking 94. Who's kidding?

Who you guys think all red faces going to make 95? Um, I'm an old fuck. I'm an old white guy who likes Facebook and I'm listening to AC DC and I'm rocking out in my hybrid. Oh yeah. That's what I'm doing. I'm doing everything I wear in those Mervin shoes. What are those fucking awful shoes that people a little bit older than me wear? They wear them with no socks and dead jeans.

Those slip on fucking shoes that I think were cool for like two weeks in like 1993. They're Mervins, right? Melvins. What's a million? A Melvin somebody fucking gives you a wedgie. Um, who the fuck ever thought to do that? Do you realize how funny that is? I guess they were nobody thought to do it until it was pants.

And then once it was pants, somebody's just like, God damn, these things are riding up on me. And then it just rode up on the wrong sadistic guy's ass. And he was like, you know what? What if I did that a lot quicker to somebody else? A lot harder on purpose, premeditated, riding up with the jeans. And when he heard the scream of uncomfortableness, it warmed his heart. And then some other sadistic fuck saw it. Or maybe just some fucking, uh, you know, like joke thieves, except like a fucking bully like thief.

I wonder if bullies do that. Like they see a bully bully and somebody else and be like, you know, I'm going to, I, you know, I'm going to do something like that. Do my version of that. Then the bully calls them out on Twitter. Then there's a big dust up, right? Then they got to go on a bully podcast and clear their name. Anyways, um, who knows who knows in this day and age of non controversies becoming controversies, who knows what could happen. Um, yeah, I'm in a great mood.

I got home one 30 in the morning. I put on the Celtics. I still haven't watched the Bruins beating the Canadians. I know they beat the Canadians. I'm fucking trying to do the basketball and hockey thing. And, um, so I'm behind like two games with the Bruins. And I know they got Vancouver tonight and I just checked the standings. What the fuck happened to the Canadians?

My Boston Bruin heart was in my fucking throat when they started off at nine and all. I'm like, Oh no, they're going to end the drought this year. They're going to end the drought. And then what am I going to say? I got nothing. I already have. The only thing I can't say is how long it's been since they won their last one. Because other than that, they can go like, yeah, well, we got like 52 of them.

It's like, yeah, but you know, the first 12, you were beaten like, you know, the fucking Montreal Marauders. The Quebec Conquistadors, you know, you won best fucking, best five out of nine, whatever the fucking series was when you played on a pond. Do you realize how fucked up it is in the Stanley Cup was the size of a shot glass? You know, hurry up and finish this game so we can have World War one. That's really, I mean, I don't give a fuck that they count those things. I just like teasing them about it. Even they just count the ones from the modern era. We're never going to catch them.

I realize that as a fan. But what was I going to say? I still for the life of me do not understand as we are now at Super Bowl 50 why NFL championships do not count. Nobody has ever been able to give me a logical explanation to that. All right. Is it because the two leagues combined rather than the NFL absorbed the AFL, you know, the way the NBA absorbed, you know, like four or five ABA teams? Is that what it is?

But for the life of me, it's like those championships were one. They were one during those years. Like take like the Eagles, the Eagles like, oh, they never want to fucking, you know, a Super Bowl. It gives a fuck. I mean, that sucks. I mean, it's been a long fucking time, but they did win a championship in 1960. Okay. And the way the NFL acts like that was caveman days, like Mickey Mantle was in the prime of his career.

Baseball still drops to their knees, you know, in honor of that guy. Okay. And forget about fucking Babe Ruth, you know, who fucking is whose fucking rehab was eating hot dogs and drinking beer and catching up to the fucking the team on the train by jumping in a biplane. If he wasn't too fucking fat with weight and balance, right? They could find a scarf long enough to rack around his giant fucking elephant neck. Right? Why don't they count those? That move Jim Brown's title doesn't count.

What was it? 64, 65. The last time the Browns wanted slash Ravens. I don't know. I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about. I thought I was in a good mood. I'm already going country anyways. Yeah.

I don't know what happened to the Canadians. Like as of today, they are one point. The season ended today. They wouldn't make the playoffs. So I'm going to go out on a limb and say that Canadians team. I'll tell you those, those Montreal Canadians, they're very streaky. I'll tell you right now, if they're not looking unbeatable, they're looking unwinnable. Whatever the fuck you'd say.

Anyways, let me plow ahead here. So I got to watch that game at some point, but I'm, I'm getting ready to do the, the Patrice O'Neill benefit. The wonderful Patrice O'Neill. The best comic I ever fucking saw, you know, for my generation, it's just it. It's just a fact. He's the best and a wonderful positive night of, of hilarity, supporting the people that Patrice was taking care of all his, his loved ones. That is Tuesday. And from what I hear, it's all sold out, but we will be releasing at the last second a few tickets here or there, which I guess is what they do at all concerts.

People always say that going like, you know, I wanted to see fucking whatever, whatever band, you know, and dude, you just like an hour before you just walk up and they release tickets. That's like some sick fucking level of being able to get tickets, you know, because I'd be the asshole. I'd just go to fucking StubHub. Speaking of which, I wanted to go see Bob Newhart. Bob Newhart is doing a show out in the desert at some casino, right? When I say out in the desert, I mean the 10 East out to like like eat that, right? He's out there because, you know, that's a, that's a, I think that's his generation. That's where they fucking, that's where they retired.

You know, that place was like, that place was like what Brooklyn is now. Oh, like Silver Lake out here, like where all the hipsters are. That's what that was to his generation. I think way back in the day and those people stayed out there and they retired. So I fucking go on, I go on the interweb there is Richard Rawlings says on gas monkey. I go on the interweb and he, and I try to get tickets sold the fuck out. I was so upset that I couldn't get a fucking ticket, but on the other level, I'm like, this guy's 83 years old and he's still selling out the big room in a casino.

You know, fucking awesome. That is incredible. You know, ridiculous is that he's worked clean his whole career and I'm sitting here cursing up a storm, giving him compliments. I'm going to figure out a way. I'm going to get to that show. It's on January 29th. I'm going to figure out a way to get in there.

I don't know what I got to do. You know, maybe I'll fucking drive all the way out to desert and I'll stand around. You know, hoping that maybe a couple of audience members died. The tickets got freed up. Oh, come on, Bill. Let's not take it to a negative place this close to the AFC and NFC championship games. How could you do that? You know, speaking of dying, by the way, speaking of death.

You know, I went on the Internet today and I was looking up, ah, where the fuck is it? Oh, here it is. Here it is. Install later. Get out of here. Beat it. Try it in an hour. Try it tonight.

Jesus, are you going to be more fucking needy? All right. Where is it? New York City. What we're going to discuss is world's largest tax-funded mass grave might be turned into a park. And I live in New York. Start spreading the news.

I'm wearing sweatpants. I'm going to go down to Ted Stakes and eat some shit. And I'll feel like I'm making it there. You know, successful New Yorkers think just because they're in Manhattan. You know what I mean? Everybody looks at themselves like they're the star. You know, no one sees themselves as background. You know what I mean?

You're the ones waving up at the Beatles. You're not in the Beatles. You understand? You're the one in the crowd screaming, you know, fainting. As security takes you out. As you look at it, somebody successful. Right? That's who you are.

You hear those people already on the subways. They try to jam another person in there. And the world needs you. The world needs you. Okay? If I can go to White Castle and eat 18 of those burgers, I'll be a fat titted fuck in the upper deck. Sorry.

All right. World's largest tax-funded mass grave. So there's an island out there, which I had no idea. I mean, I knew of Ellis Island. And then there's the island that the Statue of Liberty is on. Then I knew there was one that the Navy owned or some shit. But there's this other island out there that they just bury people that don't have any money or nobody knows who the fuck they are.

It's called Heart Island. Or as a tourist from Boston would say, fucking Heart Island. Let's go up to Heart Island, dude. Maybe we can find our fucking uncle. Got in trouble with the bookie. Heart Island, New York. Rosalie Gravel looks down over rows of white pipes, some broken or covered in mud, sticking out of the dirt.

Each tube marks the grave of 150 adults, dash homeless, poor, veterans, and unclaimed individuals who couldn't afford anything but a spot in what's widely believed to be the world's largest tax-funded mass grave. You know, tax-funded mass grave. Not mass grave, because believe me. I think isn't there one underneath Wall Street? They just mass-secured a bunch of Native Americans with some shit and then just bury them all. Isn't that what they used to do back then?

All right, that takes care of that. Who wants to build the log cabin? Right? Lunatics. So whatever. Gravel, a 64-year-old resident of the Upper West Side, wants grass and wildflowers to hide the dirty white plastic. She's come here to honor her mother, who died in a hospital bed with no savings to leave

to her daughter. She said, I'm still getting used to the idea that my mommy wound up in a potter's grave. I know that my mother was expecting something much more traditional. I don't understand people who, like, when they die, they want to have one of those aboveground, like, tombs, you know, like the aboveground swimming pool of gravesites. You know, it's like, how fucking special do you think you are? Who gives it? You're dead.

They should just have mass graves. They should have a giant pit. You just fucking, you know, the family doesn't need to see it, but you just fucking throw it in there. Throw it in there, and then as you dissolve, you become the next fossil fuel. Right? Think about all the fucking people that have lived in the world. If we had in one giant fucking massive grave in each country, and you used whatever fucking

whatever, I don't know how the fuck you end up turning into motor oil, but evidently that's what happens. I know if you jump off a building, you explode like a water balloon because you're mostly water. And I don't know, if you eat a lot of Italian food, you know, like I do, you got a lot of olive oil in you, who knows? Maybe you might help out somebody's fucking lawn mower in the future. That's what they should do.

Holy shit, did I just solve global warming? Well, maybe I solved the Middle East crisis. And if elected, I will begin burying all dead Americans in the same hall. And a hundred years from now, we will use the fossil fuel that that is created to free ourselves from the Saudi Arabians. I am so sick of seeing world leaders go to the UN and act like we have a friend of some sort of a friendship. I don't know if that's that's something you could do.

But anyways, I became fascinated with that expression. I'm saying right Potter's grave. So I looked it up. And of course, you know, my research on the internet on the internet never goes past Wikipedia, never goes past it, you know? All right, a potter's field comma poppers field or common grave is a term for a place for a burial of unknown or indigent people. Or is that indigent?

All right, so I clicked on indigent or indigent. I don't. Isn't it astounding how fucking dumb I am astounding about how stupid I am. It's the fact that you guys fucking listen to this. I actually thought I was halfway smart until I started reading out loud here. I N D I G E N T. Indigent, indigent. You say tomato.

I say indigent. What an indigent indigent. I'm just going to stop saying it. I just I'm just I feel like every time I say it, I'm like fucking I'm like that guy. I'm playing blackjack on hit me, hit me, hit me over, over your fucking IQ is just going down. All right. So I looked up that word that I'm not going to say anymore. Oh God, is it possible to get embarrassed on a podcast that only you are doing?

You know, if it's possible, I'm doing it. All right. And it ends up coming up as poverty. Poverty is a general scarcity, dearth or the slate of one. But what the? How did this come to after the Industrial Revolution mass production and factories made product production goods increasingly less expensive and more accessible of more important is the modernization of the agriculture. It's just a fertilizer. Poverty reduction is a major goal.

Oh, give me a foot. Is it really? Is it really a major goal when the fucking CEO takes 80% of the profits? Huh? One of the guys who's fucking work in the line, his daughter's already hooking is up in the CEO's office blowing them. You know, because she can't go to fucking calling and the circle is complete. Oh, that was a little poetry there. All right.

The U.S. expression. Let me get back to the Potter's field. The U.S. expression. Potter's field derives from the Bible. Oh, jeez. Referring to a field used for the extraction of Potter's clay. Such land used for agriculture could be used as a burial site. So after they dug out all the clay, they just threw people in there.

Well, there you go. That's a good use of space. All right. The term comes. Oh, let's let's read some Bible. Oh my God. I've never done this. Read some Bible.

Let's read from the Bible. The term comes from Matthew. Twenty seven semicolon. Oh, colon three dash two seven colon eight in the New Testament of the Bible in which Jewish priest take 30 pieces of silver returned by a remorseful Judas colon. Oh, Jesus. It'd be some anti-Semitic shit. Okay. And then this is what says then Judas who portrayed him.

I think that's J star. He betrayed J star there. Seeing that he was condemned, repenting himself, brought back the 30 pieces of silvers to the chief priests and ancients saying, I have sinned in betraying innocent blood. But they said, what is that to us? Look out to it. Yep. There you go. There's the anti-Semitism right there.

Hey, what do we give a shit? Just give us the silver pieces there. Judy. And casting down the pieces of silver in the temple. He departed and went and hanged himself with a halter. Hopefully a halter top. They had those backs there. We have some of the little fucking sports bra.

But the chief priests having taken the pieces of silver said it's not lawful to put them into the Corbona. Didn't Chrysler used to make those? The Chrysler Corbona with Corinthian leather. The term might box. What the fuck? A might box. Isn't that a bug? Also alms box or poor box refers to a box that is used to save coins or a piggy bank.

That's what you should say to save coins for charitable purposes. Oh, for charitable purposes. Oh, so then okay, I get it. So then they say, wait a minute. This guy killed the king of the Jews and we're sitting here with the fucking loot from the caper. We'll go stick it in the fucking donation box. Nobody says a word. You got me?

All right. And then after that they had consulted to get, you know what? This might be a new section. You want me to guys? I'll start reading the fucking Bible and I'll give you my interpretation of it. Gradually I'll start my own church. Right. And I'll say that I have a direct link to he that is the one if and then gradually I'll slide my direct length over into just saying, hey, maybe I'm that guy.

I am that guy. I am him. Blow me. I'm fucking all the women here and you guys get out in the field and grow some more apples. That's basically fast forwarding through running a cult. Oh, there's the FBI here. Everybody drink this. Over the lips and over the gums.

Suck it down. Here they come. All right. The site referred to these verses known as. That's really interesting and fucking sad. There's something sad about that, right? Has anybody ever had like a fucking marquee on their head site, you know, like a big gravestone and then just have like, you know, like the Chicago theater, but like to scale to a headstone. Performing here for eternity or some hacky fucking former show business.

Oh, Christ. Now I got to look this shit up. Now I got to look this shit up. Those people who have wacky headstone saying. Here we go. Funny headstones. All right. Here we go.

What do we got here? What do we got here? Images for funny headstones. Now what are the odds any of these are going to be funny? All right. Charlie. Oh, this is just funny name. Charlie loser born in 1887.

And John loser. Jesus Christ is such losers. They're buried in the same fucking place. It's over. Let me out now. Leslie Nielsen. He's got a joke on his. What does it say?

Letter rip. I don't know what the fuck that means. At least he's just funny names. Stiff. Titman. Boogers. Spanx. Who put this up here?

Fucking beefers and Buffett. Butt head. I thought it was funny. Sanks. Jesus Christ. The internet. Funny sayings. Headstones.

Here we go. Oh my God. This is a riot. Oh, epitaphs. Here we go. 15 of the funniest epitaph. All right. Somebody has dot, dot, dot.

Well, this sucks. That's not bad. Billy Wilder. I'm a writer, but then nobody's perfect. Oh, Jesus. Oh, Jesus. It's such an NPR joke. Jack Lemon in.

Oh, it's like a movie headstone. Jack Lemon was one hell of an actor. And a funny one to boot. Here he stars in his final row. Well, in the ground. That's a good one. This one gets to the point. Well, this sucks.

It was another one. All right. This one, this ain't bad. Once you get used to it. That's not bad. I was supposed to live to be 102 and be shot by a jealous husband. Near this spot. You know something?

Actually, if they were all interesting, I think people would go to fucking graveyards more rather than getting creeped out by it. Near this spot, Samuel Whitmore, then 80 years old, killed three British soldiers. He was shot. He was shot, bayoneted, beaten and left for dead, but recovered and lived to be 90 years of age.

This guy's talking shit. You'll die, but don't you cry for one day to you will die. Ah, what a cunt. Lizzie Nielsen, letter rip. Merv Griffin. I will not be right back after this message. There's the winner right there. I like that.

Somebody wrote, ha, get it. Such a comedian. You can't make anybody happy on the internet. All right, Bill Cougal. He never voted for Republicans and had little to do with them. That was bad. Here's one said, I told you I was sick.

That's funny. Another one, I knew this would happen. Some of these are pretty good. Rodney Dangerfield, there goes the neighborhood. Here lies something, something. He hanged by mistake in 1882. He was right. We was wrong, but we stand him up,

and now he's gone. You can't go with poetry. I guess that's it. Well, there you go, guys. That's about as good as it gets. You know you can do better. Why don't you just have the fuck are you looking at? I don't know.

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What am I going to do? Was the volume this far down that I accidentally kicked the volume? Oh shit. Yeah Christ. Don't worry, don't worry. I'm still working on the garage and I'm going to figure out how to make this fucking work. Okay, it's becoming once again, everything in this house is a motherfucker. And what I've finally learned to do is I'm not fighting the house.

I'm not fighting the house anymore. I will adapt to it. All right. If everything has to be some sort of geometric shape that doesn't exist yet, that has no definition, then God damn it. That will be the shape of the fucking room. All right. Is there anything else I wanted to talk about? Oh man, this lady fucking cut me off when I was driving and just the fucking thoughts I had in everyone that you have.

Like I can't do that. I go to jail. I can't do that. I put a riot. You know, I was thinking about pulling up next to her if I had a paint gun and her sticking the face out the window to give me the finger. Like, like they all do and just fucking blast in her right in the face. And I immediately, I was thinking about her eyes. So that's where the paintball went and put a riot.

I go, no, no, no, back the fantasy up. Okay, take it down a notch right in the middle of her forehead, hit her right in the forehead and watch the Botox shoot out on either side. Nah, but then, you know, people behind me would take down my plate and I just was sitting at the red light behind her. All of these fantasies of the shit I wanted to do. Follow her, find out where she fucking works, slash all of her tires and then take the knife, stick it right into the headrest of her driver's side seat. You know, with something fucking written in newspaper writing. So, you know, when you take the fucking letters from the newspaper, so it looks totally even more creepy. And I was like, Bill, why would you do that?

There's going to be cameras in the parking lot. You can't do that. And then the light turned green and she made a right. And I kept going straight and I just never thought about her again until right now. And with that, that is the, you guys have any, let me hear some, why don't you write those in? The murderous fantasies that you have when somebody cuts you off and fucking trafficked, all the shit that you think about doing, but you don't do, because that's the difference between you and a psycho. All you do is think it, but you don't fucking, you don't carry it out.

You know, oh, at least I hope you do or else I probably just got put on some sort of watch list. You know, oh, it gives a fuck. I'd love to be put on a watch list and I would love to be watching them watch me and see how long they could watch me before they fucking knot it off. Is he watching another hockey game? Oh my God, this is the worst assignment ever. Jesus Christ. All right, that's the Thursday afternoon just before Monday for just for Friday, Monday morning podcast. Have a great weekend, you cunts.

Let's go Patriots. I think this is going to be as always, it's going to be a very tough game. It's going to be a very tough game. Oh, by the way, I finally watched the Carolina Seattle game and this is what I have to say. You know, I find it amazing that the Carolina Panthers, when they had two weeks before that game even came, right? They had a week off. So they had two weeks and millions of dollars at their disposal to get that field into a better, like, into much better shape for that great Seattle defense.

It's amazing how they just for some reason couldn't get that together. Now it's not illegal. All you really have to do is just have a feel and paint some lines and put some numbers on it. You're not required to have it in the greatest shape. But that was just one of those things. As a Patriots fan, you just look at it and go, oh, isn't that funny? I wonder what would happen if we were to do something like that, even though it's not illegal. That'd be a nice fucking five days.

Oh, the Patriots up to it again. Anyway, so we're going into Denver. We're going into Denver. It should be a tough game and I have a melancholy feeling about this. Like, this might be the last Brady, Peyton Manning matchup, you know? And if Peyton Manning retires after this year and then there's just one, right? Tom terrific. And then someday he'll be gone.

He'll be retired. And it's just, it's going to be like, Jesus fucking Christ. I remember when they came in the fight. Those guys came in the league. I was already in my 30s, wasn't I? When did Peyton come in? I turned 30 in 98. So 39, 30 years old, unfucking believable.

And they're considered old. I'll be in my 50s when Tom Brady retires. God fucking willing. God willing, he plays that long and God willing, I fucking make it that. I make it into my 50s and don't end up in a fucking Potter's grave. You know, I wouldn't give a shit. I think that's the most arrogant fucking thing you could possibly do is give a fuck how your dead bodies presented for the rest of fucking time. That's just the fucking, it's just like, just frisbee, frisbee my body off the back of a pickup truck down a cliff.

I don't give a shit. Oh, by the way, what the fuck, that just reminded me of something. The fuck was I going to say? Ah, Christ, it left me. It left me like all thoughts do. All right, so that's the podcast. Have a great weekend, you cunts. Should be a great game out in Denver.

I love their defense. Of course, I don't think it's going to be an easy game. And I am surprised that we have favorites because we have historically not done well out in Denver and it always fucking snows. All right, that's it. I'll talk to you. Talk to you cunts on Monday. You see this shit about that fucking guy who's got that, you know, he went over to, he went over to Uganda. That guy, Coney, Coney 2012.

You see that? You see how quickly they brought that guy down? He shines a light on the, on himself first and foremost and how he and his child are dealing with it, which was really bizarre. I mean, I don't know about you guys, but it was enough for me to see the boy soldier crying because he saw his brother have his neck sliced right in front of him. You know, and he goes from that to be a, now I'm going to sit my son down and tell him about this. It's like, I didn't even get it. All right. So anyways, this guy shines a light on this bullshit that's going on over there and all of a sudden everybody's in an uproar.

All of a sudden everybody gives a fuck about Uganda and these boys soldiers, you know, and all of a sudden the United States government is going, dude, we're fighting two wars. We can't even afford to fight one. Now this guy's bringing this shit up. Gee, wouldn't it be nice if something fucking happened that would discredit him next thing? You know, a couple of days later, hey, this guy connected with the film from that Coney 2012 gets caught jerking off in public. Was I the only guy who found that unbelievably fucking convenient? I didn't buy it for a second. In fact, I tweeted, you know, back in the day they used to assassinate you.

Now they just do this. You know what I mean? If they can make it look like we landed on the moon in 1969, you don't think that they can make you anybody they want. Make it look like you're rubbing one out in the fucking parking lot. I don't buy it. What that fucking douchebag was doing, not douchebag, that fucking self-serving cunt. There we go. That's what I was trying to say.

What he was doing with that film was he was putting pressure on the United States to go over there and fucking somehow insert themselves into that situation, which would have cost a ton of fucking money. You know, but there's no way to be like, hey, fuck those boys soldiers. You know, because of the way, because of what it says in our pamphlet. You know, give us your week, give us your pour and we'll exploit the shit out of them and let them die of tuberculosis in a damp apartment. And then years later, whoever made the most amount of money gets a statue made out of them. That's all in our thing. So we can't look the other way with these fucking boys soldiers. So what's the easiest thing to do?

Just, just make that guy look like a freak show. First of all, who hasn't jerked off in a parking lot? Honestly, you know, who hasn't done that? You know, your fucking girl goes in to exchange something. You're sitting there. You're bored. You can't get any radio reception because, you know, it's back in the day. You just say, yeah, I'm bored, right?

You got a girl in your life. So, you know, there's going to be some sort of napkins in the car. What are you going to do? Right? You got the captain's chairs. No one can see you. This is taking forever. What if I rub one out?

Right? Yeah. But now everybody's got a fucking camera. You know, you know what's amazing is that everybody hasn't got caught jerking off in public at this point. Everybody's got a camera in their cell phone. What I'm trying to say to people is I don't buy it and it doesn't matter. I don't give a fuck whether the guy from Coney was jerking off in a parking lot or not. That doesn't change whether or not there's boy soldiers in Uganda.

But what's great is then the conversation switches from what's going on over there to, oh, what's this guy doing? He's rubbing his dick like we all do. And then everybody would be like, yeah, but we don't do it in public. Oh, so what? That makes you better? It doesn't make you better. It just makes you more considerate, doesn't it? I mean, if you had two people and they were both shooting heroin and one person had the decency to do it in their house

and the other person does it out in public, at the end of the day, you're both drug addicts. So if you're really going to sit there and shit on this guy for jerking off, then you would have to basically be not jerking off at all. Right? Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I'm asking you to look into your hearts. If you have not rubbed one out, let he who has not rubbed one out in some sort of pub. No, you never jerked off at work. God, I'm fucking bored. Excuse me.

Let me go to the bathroom. Maybe they think I'm taking a shit standing up. Right? Come on. If you're a guy and your arms are long enough at some point, you've jerked off in some place where you shouldn't have. You're jerked off to somebody you shouldn't have. You've done it. We've all been there.

Who gives a fuck? There's still boys fighting in wars over there. So, you know, if you want to help out, help out. If you don't, don't, but don't let some guy rubbing one out in a parking lot, change your mind either way. You know what they're doing right now? They're doing what women do when they argue, when they start to lose is they bring up other shit and they spin it into a different room. And next thing you know, you're arguing a whole different argument.

An argument that they wanted you to fucking argue so they knew that they could win rather than keeping the argument on fucking track of saying, listen, sweetheart, I don't like the way you fucking been dressing lately. Okay? I got in this relationship to treat you like a piece of fucking meat. All right? And lately, you've been slacking off. People are still boy soldiers in Uganda.

Whether or not that guy's rubbing one out or opening his ass for the world to see. Don't ever forget that. Don't lose sight of what the real story is. Okay? That is all. Good night and God bless the United States. All right. All right, chick advice.

Hey, Bill, I'm 25 and I've been listening to your podcast for a year now and I really enjoy it. I want to get your advice on my current situation. I could have assumed all of that because I'm arrogant. And why else would you write in? Okay, after a lot of failed relationships, I wanted to try a new approach of meeting women. I met a 21 year old girl through my sister-in-law and figured she was interesting and pretty enough to consider for a serious girlfriend. We started hanging out as friends so I could be sure that I was in fact able to be friends with her

before I made a move to something more seriously. More serious, sorry. Things have been going well for the last two months and we get together a couple of times a week to hang out and do stuff. Well, last week, I finally decided that I wanted to make my move on her. I was saying goodbye to her after hanging out and I finally moved in for a kiss and she backed away. It got really awkward after that and she kind of said, oh, I have to go. About 10 minutes later, I got a text from her saying, sorry for backing away, but I don't want to ruin our friendship. Ah, dude, you fucking waited too long.

I would go watch that Chris Rock special where he does the friend zone. Anyway, she says, what the hell do I do now? She's always been very flirty with me the entire time we've been hanging out. Oh, wait, she's been flirty with you? Oh, fuck her. She works at an all girls camp during the summer and she always hangs out with me in her days off. So I know there isn't anyone else she's seeing. All right, first of all, scratch that.

All right, you have no idea. How does that expression go? You know, only the devil knows the secrets in a woman's heart. Isn't that how it goes? Something like that. Don't ever fucking you. You have no file. I don't give a fuck.

Okay, you could have a woman in a goddamn cell. You still have no idea what the fuck they're doing. There's sorcerers. Anyways, am I to believe she is so naive to think that we were just hanging out as total platonic friends? The only reason I could think why she would do that is because I am agnostic and she is a semi religious girl. What do you think I should do? You know what you should do? Fucking walk.

Robert De Niro in heat. Just walk away. All right. Just walk away. This is what you do. All right. This girl's being all flirty with you and all that type of shit. She gets you dick hard.

You're trying to be a gentleman. You don't try to fucking finger blast her on the first date because you think she's special. All right. So three days after flying kites and going on picnics, you go in for a kiss. She pulls up. Ah. I didn't want to ruin the friendship. Give me a fucking break.

She knows what the fuck she's doing. All right. She's toying with you. So this is what you do. This is the best thing that you can do when a woman does something like that that makes you want to go out and eat fucking sheet metal. You don't give them the emotion that they want, which is they want you to be upset. And I don't know why. I don't know fucking why, but she wants you to be upset.

So this is what you do. Okay. You just say, oh, yeah, hey, I didn't know what I was doing. That's cool. That's cool. Whatever. All right. And she says, but I still want to be friends and be like, yeah, absolutely.

We can totally be friends. All right. So don't try to fucking bang her anymore. Don't blow her off so she has no idea what you're doing. Just keep hanging out with her, whatever, doing this and that. And then what you do, just start fucking working out. You get jacked, right? And then on the side, you start talking to other broads.

And then one day you show up with a fucking goddamn Hickey on the side of your neck. You know, and then you fucking just don't even address it. What's that? I was hanging out with some girl last night. So what are you doing today? And you just, you just, you mind fucker right back. You fight fire with fire. That's what you do.

Get on with your life, sir. Fuck her. That's it. All right. That's it. That's, that's what I feel. My solution is always the same. Okay.

Is whenever a girl does some shit like that. All right. Or if a girl breaks up with you or anything like that. And if a girl still wants to be friends with you after she broke up with you, don't. All right. You get the fuck away from her. Hurt locker. Okay.

Get on your bomb suit and fucking walk away. Don't be the, don't be the hero. You fucking walk away because they just want to keep you in their life as they slowly get over you and just constantly be taking a steak knife and shoving it into your heart. Fuck that. All right. You get away from them. This does no point being around this girl.

So right now this girl just tried to mind fuck you. So if you do automatically just cut off being around her, she's going to win on some level and she'll actually get some sort of level of satisfaction that you reacted that way. Cause, cause even though you think you're saying fuck you, what you're really saying is I actually cared about you and that's going to feed her goddamn ego. So don't do that. So just be like, yeah, I don't know what I was thinking, you know. Uh, yeah, you can't, you can't, you can't blame a guy for trying.

That'll annoy her. Like she's just some piece of meat. You took a swing at. This is such terrible fucking advice, but you know what? I believe in it. This is how I've lived my life. If you want to end up like me, 43 not married, no kids. That's how you do it.

I don't know. Yeah, just whatever. She wants to hang out. Yeah. Hey, let's hang out and don't be weird around her. Don't be weird. Hey, sorry about that. I don't know.

I was an idiot or whatever. That's what you do. That's what you do. All right. And then what you do is start talking about some other girl, wait a couple of weeks and just say, Hey, you know, I kind of met this girl. I kind of like her and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. You know, this is, this is a fucking, this is the old hook and lateral play.

I don't know if this will work. This is definitely a Hail Mary, but maybe if you fucking start saying, Hey, and I met this girl, I kind of fucking like her. You show up with the hickey on your neck. I don't know what happens. There's spinal cord muscles, the spinal cord muscles, the muscles around this spinal cord get fucking, they get weak. You know, and all of a sudden they just fall face first into your lap.

Sometimes that happens. You know, but you're not going to know unless you try it. All right. Don't be Chris Weber and be looking to pass the fucking ball here. You want to take the shot. You understand me? So that's what you do. Sometimes I say this shit and I, and I step outside of myself and I just realize what

a fucking moron I sound like, but I don't know. For some reason you guys listen to this shit. So whatever. Good luck to you. Good luck to you. I just tapped the wrong one. Please. Hungry minds do stare you in the eye.

Spread it thick and lay the biggest lies. Don't say what you're feeling. Must play hard to get. All those time bombs sticking in your head. So much pressure to keep holding on. I'm going to do something a little different this week rather than me just sitting here in my pajamas, ranting, ranting and raving. I decided that I would get clothed this week and have a friend of mine come by the one

and only Dom I rara. Everybody. Thank you everybody. Do you mind if I get undressed? I would feel more comfortable doing this show. I like in the nude in the nude in the nude, not just naked in the nude. Well, I realized now, you know, like, look how much weight I've gained, right? Now, you know, I've gained since I've known you with 30 pounds, right?

And I know that. I can't tell. Well, you don't really look. You don't really check me out. I know what it is. Oh, look at my head. My head is bigger. What are you wearing?

That slimming black t-shirt. I'm going to bump Barry Bond's head. But it's interesting because now, and I don't even know if this is a bit yet, Bill, but I think there's something in it. I have to look. I don't like women my own age. Right. I mean, I can't I can't fake that I can get aroused by them.

I always wanted that. No, I always wanted. I mean, I wish I had that kind of love or something, but I need like a hot young chick. But the only hot young chick I'm going to get has to be flawed. Right. She's got to be daddy issues inside or outside. Yeah. She's got to be messed up in some way.

But that's what I'm looking for. How many how many strippers have you have you dated dated only a couple? I was in love with one. How old were you when you did when you made that move two years ago? You fell in love with the strip. I fell in love. Yeah. Well, first of all, this is a country song.

She was a little she was not stripping at the time. She was bartending and just give him an occasional lap dance. And really beautiful girl. I think I've been to that bar and fun, but I tell you, oxycotton and alcohol really mess you up. Yeah. I don't know if you knew that. Yeah, I got some.

But I still love the girl, but she's I don't think I don't think we're getting back together because that oxy her husband and her two kids keep blocking us. Oh, Jesus, Dom, you're making me feel good, making me feel good. Some of the choices I made back in the day, dude, oxy is that's it's a terrible one. Yeah, that's one of those things like even when you get off it, you're I don't know that you're ever depending on how long you do it the same. I lost a buddy. Mind of that.

Oh, really? I got another one. He's not doing so well. Did you grow up in a neighborhood that was a lot of drugs? Not like that. Not like that. It was I grew up, you know, it was called the sack bullshit. It was weed.

There was the weed guy. There was the bookie. And then and then there was, you know, booze, obviously. But you know, in some coke when you got older, but like nobody was doing like heroin and crack was like you're out of your fucking mind because everybody thought if you smoke crack, that was it. You were done. Well, they say you get addicted the first time.

That's what they said. But I got friends of mine who did and they're like, yeah, okay, it was all right. Oh, really? Yeah. Maybe they're addicted to other things. They didn't have time to be maybe they're just better people in the better stronger. You have good friends. Let me ask you this.

If you had one drug that you think you would like, what would it be? I know what mine is. If I could do a drug that I've never tried and you think that it's not going to have any repercussions. You just want to the feeling. What feeling would it be? Not that I have a tie. I have a tie.

What is I want to know? I want to know what it feels like, like that train spotting where you sink into the rug the first time you do heroin. That's exactly that's exactly what I want. I gotta admit the hallucinating thing tripping. Yeah. But I'll but that doesn't somebody told me like he said wake when you're tripping. It's not like you don't know that you're tripping.

You see the door fucking melting. You're like, oh, it's because I'm on acid. It's not like those high school films where you'd be. You thought you could fly and like that jump out the window. No, I think I think what was that movie with that old guy? Is it something to me to me Larry Alan Arkham did a part where he played an old guy and he fucking he just he got addicted to heroin like his 70s and he's just like, what the fuck?

I'm 70. That's actually a good idea. Just to try it. It's 70. I mean, I'd rather go out shooting drugs and go out taking, you know, dick in the ass. Dick in the ass. Yeah. That must hurt, man.

That's the thing. You ever think about that? Seriously, Bill? Well, taking one. Yeah. Accepting one, I think. Taking one for the team. Taking one for the team.

All right, Dom. Your number came up. Sorry. You're not gonna like this. We worked this out. No, I've actually thought about really a priest. How I how I want to go out in by wolves, shredded by animals. Yeah, I either want to live to be like 105.

Like you live so long that there's like nobody at your funeral because you outlived everyone. Yeah, who gives a shit or, you know, because that is a funny image because that's one of the things if you live long enough, there's every worry had people that cared about people doing the eulogy like, I mean, I met him when he was 87. And you know, he was old. He liked playing cards. He was always wore those slippers. Always wore those slippers.

But if you die, like, you know, like all my friends, you know, who have died tragically fucking young, it seems, I mean, you pack the house and everybody's up there. Yeah, you got a good. That's the only good thing about dying young is everybody gives a fuck. There's articles written about you. There's nothing worse. I mean, there's nothing worse than dying young. But dying old also is, you know, you sit in there and you got that fucking old terrified

picture. My uncle Tony, when he died, he really was very prejudiced and very angry, but he also loved his children. He loved God. He loved mountains. And then when he died, it was so funny that makeup for the racist. Yeah. Yeah.

But I'm saying he was that cross is on people in the nature. Love birds. It's true though. And he's and we're standing around the coffin. You see that mountain? It's for us. That's for us. Not these other people.

This is God's country. But when we're around the coffin, we're standing, you know, people lie about people after they died. And this guy, Lee Fidelli, who was the first Italian character ever did, like I got down a little, he said, we're standing there, me, a friend of mine is a priest and like a couple of my cousins and we're standing there over the body and he goes, he never had a bad word to say about anybody. And we went from crying to fucking laughing and I'm thinking, I said, all he did was have

bad words to say about everybody. And then he goes, this is a really old reference. He goes, he never hated anybody except Larry Boa. Right? Larry Boa. The old for the Phillies. Yes. And he goes and he looks up.

He goes, he hated that motherfucker with a vengeance. Was he a gambler? No. He didn't gamble. He just hated him. He hated Larry Boa because he hit 175, but he was a great fielder. I mean, what an obscure reference to make it a funeral. So in general, back in the day, he probably just didn't like second baseman straight across

the board. But I love that everybody laughed. I've had a couple of those like funerals. We were crying. We went from crying, crying to crying, laughing. I did that one time. Buddy of mine, his dad died and it was just one of those fucking, you know, tragic, you know, we were young and he died on the nowhere and the kid had already lost his mom was fucking

horrible. And so it was pouring raining to make it even worse fucking like the movie seven, it was raining like that. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. So we, you know, go, you know, go through the service and now they're going to, you know, put the guy in the ground and the guy was so popular.

I mean, there was just a zillion people there. So they had like one of these, you know, one of those pop tents with no sides to it. So there's so many fucking people. Everybody's jamming in there. Me and my buddy can't get in, you know, we're on the outer ring. We're just getting rained on and shit. And my other asshole friend is just inside the tent and he's sitting there. We're all crying and stuff and they're bringing the body down.

And all of a sudden, just from the weight of the rain, like this little like canal started pouring down and just missing my friend and my buddy in the middle of crying, just reached up and adjusted it. So it went all over his coat, but he had like this wool kind of coat on so he couldn't feel it at first. And dude, I'm talking crying, laughing. Just crying because it was so sad. And that's the thing too that I never thought people ever understand about comics when they

have a distasteful joke, like if a boat sinks, there's a plane crash and you have a joke. They always think it's because you're insensitive and they sometimes don't understand that it's a defense mechanism. It's like twisting the pain. Yeah, I'm feeling something bad. I don't want to feel it. And then you make a fucking joke and then you're laughing because you don't want to feel that. So you're actually doing it because it's kind of, I think it's a form of dysfunction.

It's kind of a form of dysfunction. Well, like the pedophile jokes, we all know how terrible that is, but you could twist it around. I usually bring it back on myself, you know, like one joke that says, you know, what about me, father? I wasn't hot enough for you. You know what I mean? Like that kind of thing.

To make it me, I wouldn't want to hurt a kid, but there's a good example of something that's caused so many people so much pain. I'm not just talking about the physical pain, but you know, we do know you end somebody's life when you that's why that that Sandusky guy, yeah, you know, like they shouldn't put those good they should automatically get the death penalty. Just immediately. Yeah. It's all they take them out.

Dude, if you got a rabid dog in your neighborhood, you fucking put it down. Those sex offender guys, that's it. Because all those people that that dude fucked with, yeah, it's like that's gonna now affect. You want to talk about dating strippers, like how that's going to affect who they pick, you know, who they pick as a wife, how they treat their kids, they might think they there's a chance that they could, you know, sometimes I don't know if it happened. I'm going to go beyond my intelligence on this, which isn't too hard to do. But I all I know is that that's generations of therapy because of the abuse of the yeah,

they repeat the whoever they don't get you can't put that guy in jail and like, I mean, how long like you're attracted to what you're attracted to and no amount on a cell. Well, especially if they suck you in a cell, how long before you wouldn't like big titted strippers? You'd come out 80 years later, I'm dumb, I won't bring me to some big titted stripper. Those guys like eight year olds, you stick them in a cell and you talk to them, you try to undo it and show them an adult that they're wired that way. That's it.

I'm fucking sick. Is that put him put him to it's it's horrific. That's why I don't believe in a higher power that gives a fuck. Well, that's a whole different subject. I understand that. But do you hear that pedophile joke about you might have a joke joke? No, no, no, it's two guys sitting on a bench. You see an 11 year old boy walk by one guy pedophile and says that the other one goes,

boy, he must have been hot back in the day. He must have been something back in the day. Oh, that's fucking twisted. And by freedom, working with a lie, make some room in this old heart of mine. So much pressure to keep holding on. Pack my clothes up, baby, I'll be down. Start it up now, I've got to break it up now. When I think about tomorrow, I can't wait to start it up now.

I've got to shake it up now, if I have to beg or borrow, I don't want to take it any more. I've got to break it up now, when I think about tomorrow, I can't wait to start it up. I've got to shake it up now, if I have to beg or borrow, I don't want to take it any more.