Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 1-25-18

Episode Date: January 26, 2018

Nia and Bill promote their episode of Crashing this Sunday on HBO.

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Live with it And I'm checking in on you God damn internet's not working I swear to God I swear to God I want to go back to 1995 Right before all of the laptops and all of that shit came in Didn't have a cell phone

Right? Just walking around With my dad down to a fishing hole Boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop Like how long is this going to take? You know for like fucking a week, my phone wasn't ringing I couldn't figure it out I went on the internet, I looked for all of this shit

Go into your settings, click on this I could never find fucking anything And I found out I somehow put it on do not disturb Which involves swiping your screen up somehow And I'd have to hit a button You know what probably happened? Probably, I don't know what, lifted my leg to tie my shoe While my phone was in my pocket

And then there's that bullshit for the whole friggin' week You know, in the overall scope of global problems It's probably not that big before I'm sitting On this spinning marble that they got Not sure what people talk about One more fucking asshole comes up to me And talks about some space thing that they watched And how small and insignificant the fucking earth is

One more person tells me that shit I get it, space is big and we're small Alright, so What do you want to do? Getting kicked in the balls still hurts Right? So what's the point? Anyways, the lovely Nia is here

Nia, pick up a microphone Hello Hey, how are you? You and I got into it I can get it to you today from Amazon What? The bar that you won't let me have You won't share with me

I won't I just don't understand why you can't share with me I'm your wife, like why wouldn't you share with me? Because you don't share, you just take I asked you if I could have one And you were like, no No, because this is, okay, this is what happens Whenever I go on a diet

Alright, and I start looking like old shredded red face over here She's like, ooh, what are you doing? And then she fucking, rather than getting on the diet She just picks at all the shit that I bought And you know, when you're on a fucking diet You got it all mapped out for the week So you don't have to think, you know You can't wait until you're hungry

Because then your body's going to be like I want a cheeseburger, man And you got to do it Want a hamburger? No, a cheeseburger I want a chocolate shake, you'll have nothing At least that's how it works for me Yes, meal prep, I get it

Alright But why couldn't I just have a bar? Like we just came from a walk Like why can't I have a bar to refuel? Because they were hard for me to find And it was the last one And you just want to have one Not because you're on the diet

Because it's convenient And then I'm going to come there tomorrow There's going to be an empty box So now I got to go online You're going to get me that tomorrow Today, actually, because it's prime Yes And how much is that going to cost?

It's $29.49 for the box But here's the thing, Nia Here's the thing If I didn't make such a fucking stink about this I don't know why you had to make a stink, period It's my last one, Nia And it's hard to find Okay, let me see if I can find

Hey, I can get some for you That'll be delivered today Can I have one now? You're telling me that that would have worked Yeah You're full of shit We'll never know Because you'll always pop off

So who knows? No, first of all, I don't pop off I'm white What do you think you're doing about? No Nia That's funny Thank you

Every once in a while I do have a good one No The thing I've learned about you Which I then translate to Not pointing at me I'm pointing right at you Which I then of course transferred to all fucking women Because that's how simple my brain is

Is you have to make a fucking scene For you guys to finally do the right thing That's what it is Oh my god You are just dramatic and like overly What's the word I'm looking for? I don't know Overly interrupting me every time I go to make a point

That's the second time you've done it One more time And I'll tell you you're out of here And I'm out of the ball game Yeah, you gotta do that Can I have one? Buy one One

Next act like this little pound puppy And then I'm gonna give it to you And you're gonna say that you're gonna fucking do it You're gonna say that there's gonna be follow through Like this fucking ottoman over here That has the stuffing coming out of it I left a message for the guy You were supposed to take care of that

Like three fucking months ago Okay, all those little balls are coming out We got a kid around here I don't want her to eat them Thinking that they're little things Of fucking couscous or something Like she knows what that is So this leaky fucking piece of shit

I don't know where you got it from West Elm West Elm So how much was that? A zillion dollars, right? No, it was like 45 bucks or something Alright Well then throw it out

I don't know what to tell you You just leave it leaking all over the place All you gotta do is just find some fucking No, cause this is what it is in here I have to take care of all of this shit Alright That's why you don't get a fucking power bar Because you wouldn't have done it

You would have said you were going to do it And then you wouldn't have done it And the amount of time it would have taken me To figure out the fucking internet And how to get some fucking, look at me Some fucking What are hipsters dressing like now? They kind of dress like fucking Hitler youth

With the lumberjack beard and mustache, right? The Conor McGregor But like Zach Alfenakis Okay Level beard Who was the originator? They all owe him money Okay

He brought back the Martin Van Buren beard He's like the Eddie Van Halen, right? You're throwing out the names of a lot of white guys He's like the Eddie Van Halen of the beard And all these hipsters that came along Were all those guys that ripped off Eddie Van Halen Oh, speaking of that, the next season of Baskets Is coming out with Louis Edison

I love that show I love that show Anyways That's why That's why you don't get a... You know what's so funny about you, Nia? Is I'm trying to communicate with you And you're on your phone

I'm on Amazon ordering the goddamn thing For you Because I'm over here flapping my fucking freckled arms This is what I have to do This is why... You actually don't You actually don't have to have this reaction Okay

Okay, let's do a little role-playing Alright, I'm gonna be you I'm gonna be you Okay, and then you beat me And you tell me how to do it, okay? Tell me where we're talking about We're talking about what the fuck just happened So I'm you

Yeah Okay, there we go Okay What do you have? I want one first Can I have it too? I object to this Let me...

Like yours isn't gonna be worse? Is who you like that? You have something I want something I'm a fucking five-year-old Can I have... Nia, what the fuck? I'm trying to do something

I'm coming in here I have to take care of it Three months ago Wow, wow, wow Fair enough I busted my ass on the road Every weekend So we can afford this fucking house

And I can't even get a fucking bar That's a good point I didn't care if it was an unflattering impression I agree with your version of me I want one Why? Why can't I have one? Every time you talk like that

I swear to God Like part of my soul breaks off Fuck like that I don't talk about that That's what you do Okay, I have gone why Yeah, I've done that But by the time it goes into my head

Cut with my fucking childhood And all my experiences And I process it Oh, God So it's, you know You've got every excuse in the book While you're always popping off And you know what?

Flipping out Whatever Whatever And it's just like You don't have a point right now I just saw that You started that searching for words You got everything

And it's just like Cause hey, man If you'd like to see more of this banter It's happening this Sunday It's crashing on HBO That was three quarters That was three quarters of a fucking point You just made that

Cause you know, man It's like Shit is cray All you have to do there is start The lady fake crying I hope you know that Your shit is coming today Yeah

And look what I had to do Look how high my blood pressure Had to go up You didn't have to do all that I could have figured it out for you If you were nicer to me Alright If you were like

You know what, this is the last one Let's role play Let's start over again This time rather than insulting each other Rather than insulting each other I want to say Nia, God damn it, this is my part I'll take your fucking purple sock off right now

You could have said It's my last one Do it as me Hard to find Okay The way I would have liked you to do it We're gonna do this We're gonna finish this fucking thing

Okay Okay, alright I'm gonna be you I'm gonna try to do a flattering version of you Oh my god Okay, go ahead What is that you're eating? That's not what I'm talking about

Can I have Can I have one? You Oh, it's my serve? Yeah Fucking See, you can't do it No, kid

Alright, do it as you Tell me You tell me You tell me I was trying to tell you You tell me how the fuck I'm supposed to do that You were supposed to say I only have one left

And they're really hard to find And I said, okay So I can't have one That's what you would have said I would have been like Well, let me see if they have any online on Amazon Like I did just now Like it's literally coming

Before the end of the day A chocolate bar is more important than me I'm just saying I think your reaction was a little over the top And unwarranted It wasn't I stayed calm I stayed calm

You said, can I have a chocolate bar? What did I say? You said no I said no Yeah But the thing is And you're like, I can't I said no

You said, why? I go, because they're mine I'm on this diet I kind of said that You Okay, but it's your tone And it's your approach You often say

I'm from Massachusetts I always sound like I'm in a bad mood No, that is not true All my family's from Massachusetts And they don't always sound like They're in a bad mood So that's a bullshit excuse All right, white people from Massachusetts

Always sound like they're in a bad mood All right, that's fair Also, it's okay to blame a race When we return More hate speech from Nia Hill We're doing an episode We did an episode of crashing Yes, we did

Last year Before anybody asks, no, that's not our baby Okay People have already asked me that This is how Hollywood works Okay, you can't have a baby on set You have to have twins Because they're only allowed to work

In three-hour shifts Right So you need two One Z Two Z Yeah Baby A and Baby B As they call it

And I have that story that I told that time I did that acting gig When I was working with the baby And one baby was catatonic And the other one was flipping out We'll say one's name was Bob The other was Bill Bill was catatonic, right?

So we use him for three friggin' hours During rehearsal Now we're gonna switch to the maniac But the maniac won't stop crying So the guy switches the names Right in front of me And starts calling the baby Bill, who already worked

Starts calling him Bob No And then winks at me And now it's like I'm driving the getaway car Oh, shit Yeah So of course by the time

The live audience gets loaded in Oh, catatonic is six hours in Yeah Yeah, he needs a drink Feeling it Yeah So the fucking thing was crying Its ass off

And right before I walked through the fake door To do the scene He took like a giant yellow Like sugar corn puff And with his thumb Pushed it into things mouth And I walked out

Oh, my god And I walked out And things were like Just spit it out Yeah Okay And if I was a feminist That would have been enough

To make me quit the business Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho You know what, baby? Time's up Time's up But you're bullshit Hashtag, me too Um, but yes

We did an episode of crashing It airs this Sunday I'm very excited to see it Um, yeah Yeah, great promotion This is me promoting It's funny and it's entertaining I was actually one of the most

Fun acting gigs I've had I had two great acting gigs last year You're, you're, I'm really excited Obviously you're in it more than I am Like But let's, who's getting who We're both self-involved So you're really excited

About your scenes I've seen I've seen, they cut it down They cut two of my three scenes down Well, you'll be on the DVD I'll understand Will I? Is that how it works?

Laser disc or something I don't know Well, anyway Pete Holmes was kind enough To give me the heads up That there were scenes That they had to cut For time purposes

And I understood Even though there were Really, really, really, really, really Really, really great scenes Between me and Pete And then me and Pete And one other person This isn't the way

You promote a show You talk about what's there Yeah, well what's there Is fabulous as well There you go Jesus And I can't wait What?

Look how you're behaving about this You're telling me you would We would have ordered these Fucking chocolate bars Unless I flipped out I would have helped you If you had asked In the polite way

That's my philosophy I think that sentence Needed at the end of it Was young man If you would ask me In the polite way Young man No, I'm excited for crashing

Shout out to Pete Holmes Greg Fitzsimmons Greg Fitzsimmons Who was the fucking writer Writer And the always loved Judd Apatow That's Telling

Who was there Judd Apatow Judd Apatow, absolutely The director's name I can't remember Because I'm a jerk But he was so nice And they just made me

Feel so comfortable And it was great It was really fun You guys, check it out, man Tweet me about it, man Yeah, it's going to be on this Sunday It was fun, Artie Lang's in it Joe Bay

Maybe I'm not supposed to say all this shit But it was fun Well, or a word I know No, I'm really trying to see that scene She was hilarious Joy was fucking hilarious I love her

I'm excited to see that scene That you're talking about No, it felt like we were doing the talk show Really doing it? Yeah, it was great Yeah, that's the thing They really let you kind of improv And just kind of feel your way through the scenes

With guidelines, of course But I appreciate that Because it just gives you a chance To have a little creative freedom What? I wish that you would do some improv And get that friggin' ottoman like re-sewed Can we just...

You're telling me out here Like you can't find someone in the valley That's all they do out there No, it works, of course It's all upholstery Okay It's upholstery and porn The entire valley

There's a couple of smart people If you're from the valley You're the only one in the industry It's porn or upholstery Those are your only options Car washes Burger places I love the valley

Me too I like it I like it a lot I like it a lot I like it a lot I like it a lot So what are we doing here? It's Thursday, like what's happening?

What are we talking about? What's going on? What's going on in the world? Well, I don't know what's going on in the world Because I don't have the fucking internet anymore And I don't know what channel The news channels are Because I don't watch them

Ooh I don't Aren't you just a rebel? I'm not a rebel I'm uninformed I didn't mean it like that Remember when you had that podcast With Joe DeRosa?

Yes, I did, uninformed No reading, no research Just strong opinions That was in the early days of podcasting Was that a podcast? It was not a podcast And I had already been doing my podcast Have you talked about

How you first started doing podcasting? Like what is that story? Did someone say, hey Hey there young man Did you know the news? What am I retiring? Is this the last one? The new craze?

It's called podcasting What's that? Podcasting No, I've told this story Bobby Kelly, I was over Hey mister I was over at his apartment And he would say

Yeah, this is a podcasting And I was like, what's a podcast? Yeah, it's a new internet You call this number dude Alright, you call the number You call it some little hotline Check out your flip phone dude You know what's funny

He doesn't even remotely Talk like that But the impression Got more and more excited Larry Rapucci did it first Who's Larry Rapucci? Larry Rapucci Pooch

Pooch Great comedian, Boston guy And he was just He just would kind of be like Hey Larry, dude Can you kind of I don't even know how to do it He was great at impressions

So then we did an impression Of his impression And then it just kept getting More and more exaggerated Yeah, he sounds nothing like that But it's fun It's fun, he walks in the room And everybody just goes dude

Alright But you used to call a phone number Yeah, I'd call in And I would drive around I'd be in the airport And I'd make fun of fat people And all this stuff you used to be Able to do before everybody

Got all sensitive So you'd call and like You can still kick a ginger But you can't make fun of a fatty When we return But it would be like At the tone Please leave your podcast

Let me know how it goes I forget how you did it You called up the number And then you punched in your code I mean they exist somewhere I used to have that picture On my podcast page Me with my flip phone

Which was oh so cool Flip phone was the shit In 2006 I remember the first iPhone came out And Jim Norton and Bobby They all got them And they fucking hated them Like everything on it

Was amazing except The phone part And then they made The unholy matrimony with Verizon And then they just They took over everything Like Sprint was a viable option Back then

Remember that? Yeah I mean people still have Sprint What are you talking about? Look at this fucking internet Just nothing Yeah

Just nothing Nothing I'm gonna sit here All fucking day Waiting for this stupid Fucking thing to load Then I gotta have some Nerd come over here

You know what I miss? I miss the geek squad Before Best Buy bought it And ruined it And act like they were Still the geek squad It's like no You're Best Buy

Right? Yeah I know I don't know We can reset the The router I like Yeah, does that make it work?

Yes Yes You hit the button I literally have to go into the other room I have to hit pause I have to walk into the other room So this fucking page will load Hang on

Alright, I'm back Internet just not working At all on the house Which means I won't be able To upload the fucking podcast So I don't know when the hell This is gonna come out Finally got on Google News

On my phone to you There you go There you go Who needs a laptop When you got a phone Alright Google cancels $30 million civilian moon Mission prize

They're gonna just send Some regular person To the fucking moon I would have donated to that Send some jerk off up there And watch them freak out Again You went to space

And are you gonna be On this podcast? Yes What are you doing? You still ordering chocolate bars Over there? I'm flailing there I don't have the internet

It's like somebody shut off The lights Save us So I have a question Did you see any good movies Lately now? Yes

Lady Bird I started to watch that And I fell asleep If Get Out doesn't win Every single fucking Oscar That they've been nominated for Like I'm done Why?

Every single fucking Oscar Well Everyone that it's been nominated for Jesus Christ Yeah I mean Come on You don't think you're slightly biased?

It should definitely He should definitely When directed without a doubt And I think that kid should win Yeah Right Yeah But then what else?

Costumes? No Well that's every single Oscar And I'm talking about everyone This is a slippery slope And you start talking about awards I'm talking about everyone That they were nominated for

Can I tell you something? Which by the way Is all the categories That I predicted That they would be nominated for Oh you did So I'm glad I was good So

So you see things Yeah Okay I see things Even with Google dangling Millions of dollars in prize money It was a moonshot No one could land

You get it? Oh Jesus How do people in the press Get away with these puns It was a moonshot Pause No one could land More than a decade

Would you get off the internet I need your comedic brain here Oh sorry Oh Thank you I was going through my Twitter To look at news That I thought might be interesting

To throw into the Fucking worst liar ever More than a decade After Google announced It would award 30 million dollars To the first company That could launch To the moon

By March 2018 The company has officially Cancelled the prize Who the fuck Would waste that time doing that You're going to give me 30 million dollars To spend fucking a billion dollars To get somebody to the moon

I'll give you 20 bucks If you built me a house Thanks Google I'll help me to the moon The reason none of the five finalists Were on track to meet the fast approach The reason none of the five finalists Were on track to meet the fast approaching deadline

While we did expect the winner by doubt Due to the difficulties of fundraising Technical and regulatory challenges The grant nobody gives a shit Wait a minute Is this what you do on Thursdays You just like read news stories or No I usually like read advertising

I usually read advertising I usually have sports I usually have the internet I have stuff that I can look at To start to talk about and riff on Why don't you look at your Oh None of that is in an email

The little momentum I just had You just literally stacked on I'm sorry Keep it going Yeah there was so many There was so many angles you could have gone This is some white shit You never going to

You never going to see black ants You know fucking deaf jam shit I don't personally White people likely have to go to the moon Do you want to go to the moon Like would you ever want to go to space I don't want to go to the beach I'm terrified of the beach

I would never want to go into space Ever Ever in my life I never want to leave this Because I'm afraid of burning a life I don't want to burn it But it's such a quick burn I know it's like safe or whatever now

But I'm just not I don't know I was traumatized by the challenger Like I'm done Where did you read that it's safe now I don't know I just assume people go up there all the time You know I don't want to have

I don't want to have a Sandra Bullock You know an outer space situation Like all alone You know George Clooney's voice And then he's not there anymore Oh he's content to just float off into space How nonchalant he was He was so nonchalant about it

He was just like hey man Oh yeah hey is that the serengeti He's like I don't have anything going on down there But you do You do man And I need you to fight I see Lenny just sorta let's go Like dude if you were floating off into space like that

You'd be like You would not be making one hero noise Right So I'm deathly afraid of space I think it's amazing But I have no interest in going into space What was that thing you know That guy did the red bull jump

You know like he was basically jumping from space Do you know if the shield Is sort of his little face mask there If that broke His face would melt off Within two seconds the saliva in his mouth Would have reached boiling point God is that true

Yes I don't know I read it I don't know why anyone would go to space Because they don't know how to talk to women But I appreciate those who do They need a good story Go to space Now all those scientists and astronauts and things

They're doing good work up there But I'm not interested in doing it You have no idea what they're doing up there You're just speaking and fucking Is it hyperbole? They're up there they're doing good work Talk about some of the good work the astronauts Are doing up there

You know they're out there researching And testing Running experiments Or I don't want to be like Sam Rockwell's character And mood Just all by yourself going crazy That was a fucking great movie It was amazing

Shout out to Sam Rockwell getting nominated For an Oscar Yay Yeah that's for family I love when he was sitting there That one scene of Moon where he just looks over and he goes Who's that guy? Oh yeah I don't want to ruin it

You got to see Moon If you haven't seen Moon All you people lined up to see Star Wars You're making a major error You want to go see Moon They can see both I don't know why I shouldn't It's just fun to do

It's why I trash feminists Because anything that's taken so seriously You have to shit on You have a classic comedian brain You can't just like be nice about something Like good for them I mean they understand enough for what they believe in I think that's great

You just have to shit on it Like you and positivity Are just like something that I don't know You're going to take it all the way to positivity You guys just don't mesh Like you just refuse to allow Positivity into your life You just don't think it's funny

No it's just you have to break the tension Of somebody telling a story What tension? Someone sharing their story Why is it tense for you? You just can't deal if the attention is not on you So you have to turn it around No

And make a joke And like make fun of it I agree with everything up until then Okay Up until then Nia attention on me when I'm on stage Offstage I'm not a fucking lampshade on my head guy Am I?

No you're not I don't try to take over fucking conversations at parties I usually am standing at the wall And you're like is everything okay? Are you having a good time? With your resting bitch face Yeah and I'm like You do have resting bitch face though

It's handsome Alright But it's bitchy I know I'm not good at parties You're okay? Did he like the gym? Is he having fun? Like I don't know

Like ooh Yeah like Heightened energy Heightened energy Happiness bothers you Yeah I know Celebratory vibes Relaxed people getting along with each other

No not relaxed You don't like it Not relaxed It's like They Heightened like When people's like oh my god When they're doing that

Or when they're clapping Applauding somebody Saying what they did was brave And there was no guns involved There was no life or death situation But you know it's just sort of Your only definition of bravery Yeah

Like I think it has to be like You know look They used to be hey good for you Slap on the back That is now brave Hey this kid He fucking you know He punched me in the face

So I punched him back Ah good for you Now it's all That was so brave The way you stuck up to that bully No what I would do now Over 4,000 students No what would happen now

Is he gets punched in the face And then he makes a video That goes viral about that But you know what And then the bully makes one And cries And then they delve into that fucking thing And meanwhile there's a swirl of trash

Two miles deep Twice, two and a half times The size of fucking Texas Out there Out in the Pacific Ocean Remember the first toothbrush You ever fucking used It's in there

Swirling around Did you see that story about I forget where this fish was Costa Rica maybe But they caught a fish You know they were fishing And I guess this guy saw one fish And he thought it looked sick

And just weird So he cut it open And there was all this garbage Inside of the fish Yeah It's pretty depressing It's horrifying Yeah

So And everybody's walking around Calling everybody Smiling and enjoying life And Bill Burr is here To let you know It ain't all rainbows It's sunshine

Sweetheart What that smile Off your face I'm gonna bring you back Down to earth Cause that's what I do Bill Burr Truth speaker

It's not what I'm saying Boner killer Buzz killer Life Ruiner Jesus Christ Do you really think I'm not bad? You and your dark cloud

Can just get off my rainbow No, I'm just kidding Good lord I don't know what to do How the fuck can you see Something like that And then watch some fucking Actor being called brave

Cause they didn't wear makeup In a movie Yeah, no, of course The perspective is completely Hey, we're all gonna wear all black Tonight Like nobody thinks about Hey, who sewed that shit together

There's some fucking little kid Like El Salvador He was all black, right? They're fucking beating him With the other yarn And everybody's all high-fiving About what great people they are Wow

It's just funny That's all I'm doing here Okay, that's all it is I look at TV And I shit on everything that I see It makes me laugh That's how I do it It's probably dysfunctional

I've been doing really well this year You've watched reality TV And I don't shit on it Right I just sit there oddly quiet And I feel you looking out of the corner of your eye Like why isn't he saying anything? Well, I appreciate you

Being able to let me Enjoy my life in peace I know it's hard for you But Cause nothing is more important Than the laugh You're really just feeling yourself right now I am

Now I'm awake Now I'm on a roll Let's do this Let's do two more hours This is what I get I have to get the fuck out of here But I also I have to go first

Yes No, this is one of these classic things If I was younger I would bring up all the shit that you do And what it's like to live with you But I am an older, wiser man And I know that there is no fucking real estate To be gained in that

So I'm just gonna sit here in the pocket And just be like, okay, yeah I am impossible to live with I have a question Would you like to go to Paris again? You spoiled brat Why don't I get a set of headphones? How come you're the only one that gets headphones?

During this podcast Cause 99% of the time I fucking do it by myself You have headphones You could go out and buy a little jack You could fucking plug it in And you'd be fine Plug it in, plug it in

There are times I've gone on somebody else's podcast I didn't get headphones I never went like Why do you have stuff? Do you want these headphones? You could order some more headphones It'll get here in time with the chocolate bars No, that's okay

Bye, thanks Alright, this has been Bill Getting trashed by his lovely wife No, it's great You enjoyed it, didn't you? I did Aw, look at peanut Well, I'd like to say that I was a good sport about it

Just because it was the microphones are on But in about three seconds These things will be shut off And if you think I was a tyrant before I'm supposed to read some sort of advertising I don't have it So I guess these people will listen to me Doing it on my cell phone at some point

Alright, that's it Enjoy your weekend, your cunts And I'll check in on you on Monday Please watch this week's episode Of crashing On HBO Yeah, anyways, all of that stuff It's gonna be on this Sunday night

On HBO And I'm sure it'll be streaming Everybody streams now And you can check it out then Please check it out I had such a great time And it was so much fun You know, to get to act with you again

Yeah, it was awesome It was good It was a nice positive experience Yeah, it was It was, it was, wasn't it? I was in the middle of it That's a great positive What was the other...

The first time we ever acted together Oh my gosh, I remember this The failed pilot Your pilot, yeah The Bill Burr project The untitled bill, whatever it was But we had a whole... Now who's negative?

Because I thought about the first time We worked together And I was like, I don't want to bring it up Because it didn't work Oh, but it paid... Okay, well, alright But it was so nice We had a nice time together

I'll just part with you Alright, that's it I'm going to do a little part You've always included me creatively If you start crying, I swear to God And I appreciate that I really do I love you for that

I love you for having me on the... What did you just say? I said, shut up This isn't this kind of a podcast I'm making a moment Let me have it Thank you so much For including me in your podcast

In all your creative endeavors All these years I love you so much for that Me too It's very nice that you did it You saved the whales And I just feel like it's the way that you show me That you love me

And I appreciate that It's how I keep you from bitching at me That's it Because if I do I'll never be in that That's never gonna stop Why can't I be in that too? Yeah, you can't placate me

In that way But I really do appreciate it Did you take like an arrogant pill today? You would just like Talking all kinds of shit Got my mojo going from that walk All right, positive and negative I'm gonna have a

Protein bar after this Because there's more coming later today You know what's funny? You're gonna bite into that You're gonna be like That's what you're gonna do Does it suck? Yeah, of course it does

It's healthy But does it like I don't know Have at least a little bit of good flavor to it Just imagine chocolate-covered sand No No That's what it tastes like

Okay Like the amount of water that you need to drink Or like half of it will be stuck in your teeth Oh gross It's disgusting Oh But you wanted one Can I still have it?

Huh? Can I still have that last one? Is this all like Just some insecurity About whether I still love you or not? Are you willing to give up? I just don't understand Will be the last

Why you are just You like the way you say no Like so easily to me It's just like I just don't understand Well, what are you? Fucking princess? I'm your wife

So I should be hearing yes Like most of the time Based on what? Based on my position Which is what? As the wife As the co-head of this household What is your definition of a wife?

What do you mean? What is my definition? Put stammering Your idea What does that mean? Because I'm your wife I feel like I should have top priority Like I should be like yes

Yes, of course Whatever you need and or want You may have Do you think that's like Is that a two-way street? Yes You're so full of shit You are my queen

You're such a I am your queen Yeah, no, no You are a spoiled brat It's my own goddamn fault I've created a fucking monster You sound like my dad It's like, you know what?

Your dad and I bond a lot About what a spoiled It was spoiled You are I just want to like Give me all these wonderful things Which I am grateful for And then you want to call me spoiled

Like that's not fair It isn't Yeah, we don't want to give you all those things We want to shut you up Like a little five-year-old I thought it was because you love me But I want the chocolate bar Go eat your chocolate bar, Nia

Can I have that? Yeah, you can have the whole Fucking empty box when you're done Put it on your head And walk around like the queen that you are Alright, go fuck yourselves I'll talk to you I'll talk to you guys later

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And this is the Monday Morning Podcast For Monday, the fuck is today's date? You think I did? I never have it ready. For Monday, January 25th, 2010 Can you hear that echo? I'm in my old apartment in New York City And because I'm back here

Because I'm doing some shit And it's raining to beat the band And actually this week We're going to have a very special guest Who's actually over in the corner right now Drying out his pants on the fan His Grant Goodeve 8 is Enough Pants Uninformed's own Mr. Joe DeRosa

Making his way over the couch Very special guest I wish we had a studio audience They could have clapped when you came in to sit down It would have sounded exactly the same If there was an audience here Oh Joe, bringing the sunshine on a rainy day Dead silence

How are you, man? It's been a long time We haven't done an uninformed for a while And we were going to do one this week But we can't Which is because Because we're shooting the movie Yeah, you know, you've made like three

Kick-ups number four Annoying sounds already What did they come on here to get kicked around today? No, not to get kicked around today It's my way of saying that I'm fond of you I noticed by the way You're not using your usual windsock on the mic You switched over to a black windsock

You usually have that blue one Well, you know what happened was My dog chewed up the orange one It was the orange one that I had And then you know something Oh, I used the blue one Everybody ended up having the orange one I went on a couple other people's podcasts

Jimmy Dore had the orange one Everyone had the orange one And I thought I was all fucking hip and cool Like they didn't make nine million of them And just put them out in every guitar center Around there No, I thought I had the original Like I went on eBay and bought a vintage windscreen

I didn't That's a bummer That's a bummer Yes, it is, Joe Joe, let's tell our already You know, you and I have very similar attitudes Towards people What we're big into charities

Yep Helping out others Yep I went over to decide I was going to eat healthy All right, Joe So I go over to the little market over there That will remain nameless So you can keep your anonymous life here

Thank you Your big level of celebrity Thank you I walk in there, right? You know, I'm trying to find some milk So I'm sitting there looking They had like strawberry flavor, blueberry flavor So I asked the guy who works there

I'm like, dude, where's the regular milk? My friend, what? My friend I'm like, where is the regular milk? And he goes, this is not milk This is all yogurt But it was in these big milk like court sort of I've never seen yogurt in there

And he goes, this is all yogurt And then he goes this big exaggerated sweet To the other side of the aisle The milk is over here Yeah So then I just pause and I look at him I go, all right That's all I was asking you

And then he breaks into this big smile Oh, okay, my friend, I didn't know Fuck you, you passive aggressive cunt You hate your fucking job And you think just because I don't fucking work here I don't fucking work here I don't have the goddamn store memorized

Yeah And you're standing in the aisle With your eye work here fucking apron Yeah, I'm gonna ask you a question Where the shit is You don't like it? You quit your fucking job I don't like either how he acts like it's

He acts like it's normal That every store sells flavored drinkable yogurt Like that's a product you see everywhere It looked like a court It was like Yeah But it was shaped like sort of a bottom heavy broad With no tits

It was shaped like that You know what I mean? No, he's acting like Well, obviously He's shaped like one of those gymnasts Yeah, I got you Or a cup chick who rides a bike too much I know what you're talking about

You know, I've seen it, Bill Because I'm a cultured man Who's seen drinkable yogurt But, you know, I wouldn't blame a guy They have drinkable yogurt That's what that shit was When did that come out? I don't know, a couple years ago

I don't know when it came out I mean, I knew it existed Dude, he was like a game show host with that The milk is over here Like this big sparkly curtain What a dickhead Exactly, you know what? I'm glad he fucking stocks the milk shelves

The yogurt shelves No, he didn't He was actually over by the eggs Cock-sucker Yeah, I was in the right area Yeah, Guy did that to me today I had to call a guy and ask him for information And he goes, well, this was all in the email

That I'd sent you Just like that And I go, passive aggressive Yeah, I can't call you a moron Yeah, and then I was like, I'm sorry I must have missed that I didn't see it I apologize

And he goes No worries, I need to do this for you anyway So it's not really a big deal Well, if you needed to do it for me anyway Shut the fuck up Why do you gotta get your little jab in If you needed to do this for me anyway To begin with

Okay, Joe, let's be honest here We're both a couple of morons In both those situations I wasn't reading the label Both of them have jobs And they want to say Why don't you read the label, you dumb cunt Or why don't you read your email

But they can't So they have to go passive aggressive Yeah, well, that's what you get You're in the service industry I am not serve me Sorry You just have zero tolerance, Joe You just have zero tolerance

I'm actually probably wondering G. Bill, why are you on the road on a Monday? Beginning You usually come back from my stalkers Who listen to this fucking thing every week As I basically, I was just thinking I'm basically documenting my life One week at a time

Imagine if I just kept doing this It's like that Michael K. movie where he's dying He keeps videotaping everything What do you say? My podcast is like an awful movie That no one can remember? I like that movie It's called My Life

It's very sad You know what I actually I learned about young Joda Rosa And for those of you going Who the fuck is Joda Rosa? That's a normal question Who dare would ask that question? People who don't watch comics Unleashed

Or what else have you been on? I had a Gotham comedy No, I had a premium blend I had a presents, half hour presents Oh, that's not gonna push you up a notch Show Z Rock Z Rock I've been on Carson Daly several times

Several times Regular performer Back in New York Opian Anthony for Christ's sake Some goddamn regular Oh that's right, I forgot I moved away and you took my slot They never even missed me

That's what I realized when I went to LA Just how fucking unbelievably Replaceable I am Not that they got somebody else But that they replaced me with you, Joe What I learned is What I learned was All I had to do was go in

Start trashing the guy that was there before me Which was you And they immediately would stab you In the back and laugh That's what that whole show is about Yeah, just evil As long as I brought a little evil in They didn't give a shit

They're good guys That's what's the greatest part of that show You smile at your friend As you see the bus coming up behind them And at the last second you step out of the way Without warning him Yeah You just watch him get run over

What's the line from Goodfellas? Your killer cut Killers come with a smile What's the line? It's that line Whatever that line is Aw So anyways

Wait, what did you learn about me? You said you learned something about me You shake your foot for some reason This is what I've learned about you, Joe Is that Joe is actually a big fan Of romantic comedies I love him You don't like him, do you?

No Why? Because they make me uncomfortable They make me not Joe, with all your failed relationships I thought we lined up here With like Hating that sort of cheeseball stuff

Why are you fucking twitching your foot? It's what I do It's how I sit It's what I do when I sit What do you care? It's just it was fucking It's in my peripheral vision here It's like it's distracting me

Well, it's my apartment Dude, is that like Is that No, whatever Is that nervousness? Yeah, it's nervousness Well, Joe, you're a friend of the show here I feel like a pal right now

Yeah It's like a pal as you trash me You think it's not going to happen? No, I'm nervous He just crossed his right foot back over I'm a nervous guy I shake my legs a lot Seriously

I understand that I thought I had that restless leg syndrome But that's not what that is That's when you're laying down Your legs won't stop moving I don't have that Is that from like the 1800s? Who has restless leg syndrome?

No, they were just talking about it recently Giant fucking fairytale warts on your face Lippin' under a bridge So, yeah, look Here's why I like romantic comedies Over 120,000 people died from restless leg syndrome You can't die from it You just, you know, Bill

I think now you're taking the joke a little too far But, Joe You know what? Your fucking personality just fits this fucking rainy day You know what? I'm just a cunt today You know what this asshole did? This asshole

This is what Joe, just classic dirty white boy Right? It's fucking pouring out He fucking sits down He's putting on a brand new pair of sneakers They look great I'm like, Joe, what are you doing? You going to weigh those outside?

He goes, yeah, you know, I just I don't like new sneakers I got to muck them up a little bit Yeah I can look a little worn in, that's all Why, Joe? So you can look like, you know, you're the real deal No, they just look too new

You're worried that people are going to think that you're rich They are new They're nice They're not new But, Joe, when you buy a new car someday You're going to side swipe your bail truck No, that's different You're going to muck it up a little bit

No, that's different You see my beautiful wardrobe in there I keep my sport coats very crisp and clean I keep my ties ironed Some things you like to look new Some things you like to look a little worn in It's like a balk When you get a baseball hat

You don't want it to look brand new off the shelf Yeah, they do The creases and the fucking fade and all that shit All right, so people, when they walk down the street They can like smell your sweaty hair No, dude You like a brand new hat Have you ever seen when they now sell the hats

That look worn in for that very reason? When I was in college Yeah, I don't like those When I was in college Yeah, you know what those are for? Those that make it seem like you supported the team For years and years No, they're not, they just look cooler

That's it, that's all it is They're filthy They're not filthy, they look worn in When I was in college Guys would buy baseball hats We'd put them in the First thing you did, put it in the washer You'd wash it immediately

To get it loose and creased up a little bit Because it looked better Yeah, no, then you take your brand new sneakers And run around in the rain Because it looked better They're not brand new To make it, well, they were new enough, Joe Nice shiny fucking laces

I'm saying they're not They're not getting that worn in look They still look puffy and like too like Dude, they look great All right, to you Dude, do you know how Thank you What my opinion doesn't mean

You know, good, cool, you look If you came out on stage With a nice new pair of sneakers It's better coming out there With the fucking Mike Berbiglia wardrobe What are you talking about? His dress is all frumpy That's his look

I don't... You're stealing from Mike Berbiglia I come out on stage I wear a tie, I wear goddamn sweaters I look fucking fantastic when I'm on stage No, you don't You know why, Joe? Yes, I do

You know what ruins a suit? Cheap shoes And you, my friend, wear cheap dress shoes Are you out of your mind? No, I'm not I'm totally competent Do you know how much my dress shoes cost? Let's not get into it

Because that's tacky How much do they cost, Joe? They cost enough, my friend So they're almost see-through I can watch you wiggle your toes Do you want me to go in there And pull out the dress shoes I'm wearing these days?

Oh, these days Well, then you kicked it up a notch Because the other days Meaning all the days I ever worked with you You came out with some shit That looked like... Meaning two years ago They look like...

You worked with them two years ago She always dressed At your goddamn Hudson Or whatever theater show You did here, Town Hall Whatever theater show? Town Hall I couldn't remember the name of it

I'm saying like... Well, nice to know It was a big night in your life It was a big night in my life And I strolled in I looked like fucking sharp Everybody was going Look at those fucking shoes

No, they weren't They were talking about your face Because you weren't all bloated With booze for once That's what we were talking about Bill, I had 17 fucking people Come up to me that night And go, dude

Those shoes are... Hey, everybody who's listening right now You know when somebody's lying When they... 17 people Right I counted them Bill All right, Joe

Wait, so you bought some nice shoes Okay, fine My fault, my fault But up until then, Joe The shoes you were wearing on stage Looked like they were a combination I like how you think you're a good dresser Dress shows and slippers

I know what pair of shoes you're talking about I wore them one time with you And you made fun of me And I never wore them again Because I didn't feel like hearing it from you And for your advice... That's not true You wore them on that whole tour

So what's the advice? For your advice It's already raining out After that weekend I got emails from people going I thought your shoes were really nice I don't know why Bill was fucking with your shoes So much on stage when you were up there together

Now the phantom emails of people Who agreed with you I know what you're doing You're baiting me I'm taking the bait Congratulations I'm not, Joe I thought it was going to be a funny conversation

I didn't know Joe, your mood is really affected by the weather I'm really understand I find myself to be quite presentable And I get a little offended When somebody says that I look like a bum I don't look like a bum I never said you looked like a bum

You said frumpy I said it was... I said that's perfectly as look Yeah, and I don't dress that way I don't know what you're talking about I dress very... I take a lot of pride in my appearance Forget it! Fine, Joe

You're a fucking fashion plate Thank you Jesus Christ All I told you to do Is not wear brand new sneakers in the fucking rain Just ask why you do it And muck them up a little bit And then you come in 10 minutes later

Pissed off how wet you got out there With your pants draped over the fucking fan You wanted to wear brand new sneakers out there? Sorry Sorry for me giving a shit about your fucking wardrobe They're not brand new for the 80s time They look brand new compared to the stuff That you usually wear

Sorry, Joe Well, because Chuck, you're not supposed to wear... I resent the fact that you say That I'm not a nice dresser right now Sitting around doing a podcast No, I am not But when I... Joe, I look...

I'm old school, dude I go on stage, I look presentable Dude, I wear fucking ties I wear sport coats I wear sweaters I wear dress shoes I'm telling you something, dude What, that $120 fucking...

What? That... Gap suit that you wear? Gap suit? Joe, you look like you're selling encyclopedias I didn't want to say that But when you go on stage... Oh, Joe

Fucking with you, Joe Stop being such a fucking... You know, this got all serious This isn't serious I know, I just said you bait me I'm taking the bait, congratulations Yeah, no, it's the congratulations part I'm taking the bait

Congratulations, I'm glad you're having fun I fell for it, all right What do you want from me? I always fall for it All right, Joe I don't want to test So this is Joe DeRosa And I do...

Every once every six months We do an uninformed... Joe, tell our listeners why We're not doing an under form this week Considering we're sitting here next to each other Because we're doing a movie We're shooting a movie That I am, if I can say so

Directing and producing And acting in And you are also acting in it And producing it And it's a little crazy and busy right now So is Robert Kelly So is Robert Kelly So we wrote a short film

Believe it or not Us three shit heads Actually are going to complete something Yes Yes It's incredible It is I was blown away last night

When we were sitting here rehearsing And I'm like, this is actually fucking funny And we're actually going to shoot this Yes And then what happens? One rainy day A couple of comments about your wardrobe And all that fucking loving feeling

I've been a little stressed With all the responsibilities I've Why is your mic so fucking loud? Probably because you didn't check it before No, I have them on the same level, dude You have a fucking booming voice, Joe We can't be at the same level We're always at different levels when we do this

Thanks, Joe Thanks, Joe Thank you for basically stating What I said I kind of use your shit You always want to have these knobs Right around 12 o'clock That's exactly what I...

And that's how you sound in my head, by the way But you adjust the trim And I always tell you that You adjust the trim Alright, Joe You know something People recommend movies Alright, here's something here

Somebody recommended this movie And I've never heard of it Because it's a romantic comedy Okay And I want to know what you think about this Movies Some of the listeners will call me a fag But watch the movie

500 Days of Summer It's by definition A romantic comedy But this one is really funny And pretty much, for me, sums up relationships In our 20s and 30s I've heard it's a tremendous film I've never seen it

500 Days Why are there 500 Days? Because they're so in love That the summer seems endless No, because I think the girl's name is Summer And the total time that they're together is 500 Days Oh, I get it So, 500 Days

So, this person spends... How much is 500 Days? About a year and a half? Yeah So you spent 500 Days with Summer And what happens in the end, Joe? Do you think he marries her? And then it's the fall?

I don't think so I think it's something where there's a little bit of a twist Where one character doesn't believe in love And the other one does And then that sort of shifts You know what I mean? Oh, okay Is there an abortion or anything like that?

I think there's a brutal rape scene That's right, I was going to see this Harvey Caltel's jerking off in her face Yeah, he comes in, he shows his dick That's right And then... Then he starts crying That Harvey Caltel's crying

Actually, you want a great recommendation for a movie Speaking of Harvey Caltel crying and jerking off That new bad lieutenant was fucking amazing Nicholas Cage was off the charts in it I thought it was funny It was hilarious But was that like a snakes on the plane thing Where they started to make it seriously

Then they realized they actually had a comedy And they just went with it No, it's supposed to be funny And creepy And it's both And it's fucking amazing Okay He was off the fucking meter in it, man

All right He plays crazy I think I'm going to watch 500 days of summers first So I'm going to check that out Just for the brutal rape scene Dude Do you know what's amazing is just like You know, every movie's been done

That hasn't been done In a romantic comedy There's never been a brutal rape scene You know, so it's funny Is that adjective with rape Has been used so much that that's actually an expression Brutal rape scene It's never a horrific rape scene

You know what I mean? Right Like whenever you look in the movies And they review something They'll say woefully miscast You're never horrifically miscast Or another awful word Another adjective that means awful

Can you please help me, dude I'll just really talk myself into the corner here Yeah, I know what you mean It's always brutal rape Brutal rape It's a... You're Carlos Minci on that fuck it I thought you adjusted it

It looks fine on the meter Are your headphones turned where? Dude, when you start talking in my head You know what it sounds like You know, like when fucking black dudes Back in the day had the hatchback And the stereo and the bumper We'd be going

I'm telling you what, Bill I hate to break it to you You're a little low is the problem What do you mean I'm a little low? You're not going up No, that's yours, dude That's yours You know, when you're talking

You're a little low I'm looking at the meter No, I'm not, I'm fine I'm right here, dude I don't want to be up in the red Okay, you weren't a second ago That's the only reason I said that It's called dynamic

Sometimes you bring them down You pull the listeners closer To their clock radios All right, whatever Clock radios Oh, I got you a clock radio, by the way I know, you gave it to me already Thank you

Yeah, the old-fashioned one Just like you wanted With batteries Thank you I said thank you very much I appreciated it, thank you Listen to me Anyways, we're making a fucking movie here

We're making a fucking movie, huh? Yeah I feel like it's like Citizen Kane I'm going to do a big speech tomorrow Before we shoot the first scene What do you think my speech should be tomorrow? I know what everybody's thinking What is it about?

It's a romantic comedy And believe it or not There's a brutal rap scene And we're going to get Harvey Keitel to come down And show his cock And it's going to be the greatest How long is this film?

About 20 minutes? Yeah, I mean, hopefully it'll be down to 15 When we're all done with it But I don't know if that'll happen We can't tell you what it's about You're just going to have to wait For it to come to your local AMC 20-minute movies, theaters, right?

Yeah, look for it on Netflix On some sort of best of short films Of 2010 or... Maybe they can show it Maybe they can show it You know, in the beginning When they try to get you to buy popcorn And that type of shit

Well, that's what I was thinking Is we can maybe shop it around To some theaters I think some of these art house theaters And see if they'll show it before the features I think some theaters Do that sort of thing, Bill Yeah, and the last thing we want to do

Is put it up on the internet So all these cunts get it for free And we just have more free art But you have to do it now Isn't that what it is? Yeah, you have to You have to Who the fuck are you to charge people?

Yeah, I know What do you get after we invested All this money in the movie? I like when people send you emails And they're like, yeah, I downloaded your album Sorry, dude, LOL Like, you think it's funny? You know what I mean?

It's like it's not funny Yeah It isn't Your cunts Your cheap fucks Yeah Whatever happens You know what's awesome?

It's next week Everyone's going to send me emails Telling me that they illegally downloaded my shit Thinking that they're totally original That they sent me There's a band called Spoon I'm a big fan of them Their new album just came out

And the last thing it says in the liner notes Is buying records in record stores is cool Like, you know I don't know why everybody has turned their back on this But it's still awesome to go in and actually buy an album And read the liner notes And look at the hard work and all that shit Joe, I got to be honest

If I was young and I had no money And I never paid for music Like, think of something you never paid for Well, were they able to do that with water? I never paid for water when I was a kid Oh, I know, we have to scare them That free music is actually going to give you cancer Or something like that

They tried Like they did with the water They tried They said you're going to get viruses And everybody downloading files was going to get caught And then what happened? Fucking hipster Mack came along And Apple said

Hey guys, you don't get viruses with our computers Have a fucking field day The only reason why there's no viruses on this thing Is because the virus makers haven't decided to attack it Which why? I don't understand why Because everybody likes the underdog But eventually these guys aren't going to be the underdog The apples

And then when they catch up with PCs You know, it's like the Red Sox You know, there was Red Sox Yankees And the Red Sox hadn't won in so long A lot of people, you know Ah, I'll go with the fucking Red Sox Just because they're the underdogs And then once we won

And then we were walking around going Yeah, fucking champions, man Everybody immediately fucking hated us Right And now I would say, arguably, we are Just about as hated as the Yankees, I would think Oh, wait, I'm talking sports Yeah, I'm tuned out

I'm going to talk sports This is how This is how much I don't give a shit about sports You were talking about that And you see that empty plastic container over there I literally zoned in on that And just was focused on that 100% You know something, Joe

I don't like romantic comedies either But when you talk about them I at least have the decency to listen to them I heard you, though, the underdogs I'm with you Yeah, you heard a couple of nouns I'm with you I'm bringing your phones back a little

Right away, you're getting fucking fresh with me Fresh with me Alright, Joe, we got something here Another segment on my podcast We got segments on this podcast, Joe Do you, Bill? Yes, I do You'd like to hear another one?

Yes, I would This one is called unacceptable Alright This is the one I learned That's the word I use now Instead of you fucking cunt When I'm mad at corporations I keep my cool

I try to Unless I give myself a half-time speech Before I call up And I just keep telling them Whatever is going on is unacceptable Yeah Well, there's no one above me You can't talk to me

That's unacceptable I have to talk to someone above you I know you're not running the company I know you're just doing your job, ma'am You do the nice thing You just keep saying it's unacceptable So here's an unacceptable one That has to do with Kentucky Fried Chicken

Alright Let me see if I can get to this segment I'm a big fan of Kentucky Fried Chicken I know, that's why I decided to read this I'm like, Joe likes to eat that slop It's delicious Did you hear that Christmas album? Did you hear it?

No It was ridiculous It sounded like a Saturday Night Live sketch It was ridiculous He literally did songs like Here Comes Santa Claus And it's Bob Dylan going Here Comes Santa Claus

Here Comes Santa Claus Right Down Santa It was Ridiculous And what did Rolling Stone give it? I don't know Did they say he redefined Christmas? He probably

I am not a fan of Bob Dylan's work I appreciate the man's abilities And his skill and his talent I do not ever want to listen to any of his music ever I like that tangled up in blue He's got a couple songs that I like How's that one go? He goes here when he's here by day

When he's here by day by boo Where he's here by day by day When he's here by day by boo Here by day by day by day by boo I like Lay Lady Lay Lay across my big brass bed Oh, I hate that one I like that one

Hey, can you guys vote out there And just say which one of us Is more tone deaf when we sing Yeah, I like that one I like Hurricane I know that's a cheesy one to like But I like it Yeah, that's the one

They end up making the movie with Denzel And then everybody flipped out Because Denzel didn't win an Oscar Which obviously meant that it was racist Right? Forget about the fact that Martin Scorsese Fucking did good fellas Raging bull

And like fucking Would have a taxi driver All these other And he never won one But it's racism Because he got passed over Well, the fair point they make Is no black guys ever win them

I agree with that I agree that they would go for Christ's sake Denzel is the guy that's made it to the top And you give the guy an Oscar It's not like you're giving it to tons of black dudes I think it was him and Sidney Portier Yeah, but that's kind of like But that is in a way

Not necessarily racist I gotta wait till everybody goes Oh jeez, he's flipping out Because dude, you know what I've learned To stand up is people give a fuck About themselves And not in a bad Not necessarily always 100%

In a bad way People are focused on themselves And what appeals to them In their fucking group So they're not gonna be Like the fact that a bunch of white people Continue to watch white movies And go, oh my god, it made me cry

I totally could relate It's not racist Right It's like when, okay I was talking about this last week I'm doing stand up, right? I'm telling jokes there, Joe I'm out there, I'm killing the room

All right, I come out One of the first things I did I was talking about swine flu And the gist of the joke As I'm wishing a plague on the world Everybody's laughing Everybody's having a great time Then I came around to that bit

What are you, a fig? Making fun of homophobia But there was, I guess At least one gay dude Or someone who had a gay brother I don't know, there was four of them And I guess in the middle of it Someone went, fucking homophobe

But I couldn't hear what he was saying Because of, you know I don't know, my ears are fucked up I couldn't hear it So I said, what'd you say? And I guess they stormed out Later that he said, you fucking homophobe First of all, the joke was making fun

Of homophobia And not only that, dude I made fun of fat people I wished plagues on everybody And everything was fucking fine Everything was funny Everything's a fucking joke Till it comes around to that shit

Because that's what the fuck that dude Gives a fuck about Because that's his daily existence Being that guy So what I'm saying Is just because a bunch of white people Okay, of 40s and 50s All right, you got us

60s, you got us But 70s, 80s, 90s and all the way through If a bunch of white people Are paying attention to white movies You know? I know what you mean, man I know what you mean People just, you know

I got grown up the other night To piss me off Because I was talking about America Helping Haiti out And I was like, you know You don't understand You're telling me We need to stay out of Iraq

But we need to go into Haiti And I was like, don't you see How one can't happen without the other We have to steal the oil So we can be the superpower So we can help Haiti You know what's great Is already talking about

Putting a permanent base down there So we can protect How we build our empire Let me help myself What else I'm gonna do Is build a Best Buy So I go, don't you get it I go, where the celebrity

Like, this is how celebrities work We're like Angelina Jolie Like, she probably, you know Fucking threw coffee In some intern's face One time and burned the skit off his skull And she's like, I feel shitty about that Let me go adopt a black kid

And just bring it off First full circle And then I go, adopt a black kid Everybody goes, ugh And it's like, what are you groaning at right now? I'll tell you what they're groaning at Because they want to believe, Joe People want to believe that people are good

And that they do things Because for good reasons only But if I would have said poor kid They wouldn't have groaned I said black kids, so they groaned It wasn't black kid Maybe they was at that And not only was it a black kid

It was the best looking black kid She could find over there I know, they give that little blue fucking mohawk Yeah, she got the American Idol black kid Ah, shit, I can't take this I like how loose she keep this She could pick up the phone And just let it ring

You don't give a fuck Joe, didn't the fact that I was adjusting the levels As we were doing the show That didn't give it away That this thing was kind of fly by night Alright, so yeah, you made a point But that's the thing like You have to learn to, if you are the group

That is kind of running shit You do have to have some empathy And you do have to land every once in a while You got to toss somebody in Oscar Is that my point? Yeah I'm just saying Do you think like all those Arab cab drivers

Give a fuck that they pushed out You know, fucking Patty McOwerk Or whatever He doesn't get to drive a fucking cab anymore What about all those Irish guys Hey, hey, Mac, where you going? Those guys all get kicked out Do you think they give a fuck?

They don't But does that mean they hate Irish people? They don't give a shit They're just fucking hooking each other up You know, I feel bad for They like each other You know, I feel bad for Indians Did I just compare black people

Not getting an Oscar to an Irish guy Not being able to drive a cab Fucking moron But yeah, I feel bad for Indians Not American Indians I mean, I feel bad for them too But India Indians The real one

Because they had the 7-Eleven industry Locked down That was their shit And now it's all Arab dudes And I'm Arab So good for the Arabs But they just got shoved out of that Business man

Yeah, but they got shoved They also had the whole world locked down At one point And then England went over there And took them over Yeah That's kind of happened to them a lot Oh man

How does England take anything over? I like England, but you know I don't know, Joe Did you ever get bullied by an English kid? I read like a third of a book About Winston Churchill and Gandhi And then I... I don't know what I did after that

I started reading this book About Ric Flair after that I love that Ric Flair You want me to... Let me just get back to the Unacceptable story here We just sounded so fucking stupid, dude Oh, by the way

This is why we do the radio show Uninformed Absolutely You know what's great about Joe Is the fucking people who listen to this And make them feel better about themselves Like they're not fucking morons, too That's my favorite part of this show

These guys are fucking idiots I said I felt sorry for Indians And you go, they ruled the world Till the English took over And then I said How do you let an English guy push you around And then you said something about Ric Flair It was just...

Stream of stupidity There was not one worthwhile piece of information You know what, it's actually my fantasy, Joe That I'm actually... That my listeners are just as dumb as I am I hope so I just throw it out there Because I don't have to...

One of the great things, Joe About free art Is you don't have to be nice To the people who listen to you No Because I've had people complain And I've just been like Hey, don't listen

You don't mind fantasies What am I gonna make... How do you make less than zero? I guess you can make... You can lose money My fantasy is that The people that listen to The uninformed show

Are actually smarter than us And cultured And build us up like It's a brilliant commentary On the thought process Of the average American And we... I actually think that we're smart

And we've got the genuine article It's like one of those movies Where the guy doesn't know What the fuck he's doing Becomes famous because of it And he's just like Sure, everybody I'll play along

Then there's a brutal rave scene Alright, this is unacceptable Kentucky Fried Chicken Here we go What the fuck did we start? Anyways, I want to share With you my unacceptable Experience at KFC

There is a KFC by my house That at least three-quarters Of the time I visit it Does not have any crispy chicken Available And last night When I went there At 6 fucking 30 p.m.

Right in the middle Of the dinner hour My computer just shit it Right in the middle Of the dinner hour They again told me Sorry, no crispy chicken At this time

It will take 16 minutes To cook more I had enough Did not respond in any ways That the pumps Punks could not turn Anything around on me And I just left

Went down to I don't know You got a chili dog Or some shit Anyways, so today after work I found myself craving Crispy chicken breast And a wing combo

Again, and against My better judgment I went back to this fucking place They gave me my meal And I started to leave But before I left I was like, you know what These people don't exactly

Have a great track record So I opened the bag And lo and behold The breasts looked a little Small I lifted the skin Saw it was dark meat So I went back

To the drive-thru window And waited five minutes While blowing my horn For someone to at least Give a shit When the girl came to the window I said very nicely I asked for a breast

And a wing And I got a thigh She said to me Now I made it myself It's a breast Like I'm too retarded To know the difference

Between white and dark meat Breasts a lot I know what a breast is She began to spew some crap About it was just some sort Of small breast or something But because I didn't let her Finish

I just said it's a thigh So finally she decided to realize I wasn't taking any crap So she said okay Five minutes later They bring my food back Asking me If I need any sauces

I ignored their Too little too late Attempted customer service Took the food and left When I got home They hadn't closed the mashed potatoes All the gravy was spilled All over the side of the box

Not only that But the breast they gave me Was only partially cooked Obviously once again They were ill-prepared Blah blah blah blah blah So for the first time in my life I find myself writing a letter

Of complaint to the company's Corporation headquarters In which I describe the situation Above with the word unacceptable Intermittently dispersed Throughout the letter Not sure how long it will be Before I receive any responses

But their website feedback Only allowed 1,800 carers This is where it goes off the rails Because he hasn't found out What happened Well this is your problem Number one First of all

You did the right thing By making an account Of all the mishaps Don't write a letter Just call the place up Call the customer service line On the website Complain and demand compensation

Before you hang up And they'll probably send you A bunch of free coupons And shit like that So we can go back to this Completely inept KFC The thing about this is Free is, you know

It's free, fuck it, you know Sub-serious Can you please say that again, Joe? It's free, fuck it, you know There you go Okay, well, Joe DeRosa This is what I brought Joe in Every once in a while

I bring an expert in Just like Oprah You should be sitting here In scrubs right now Dude, you know something I gotta admit When it comes to food I don't really, I don't complain

Like I would ask for my money back And I would go that route But I would not be like, you know Listen, you know It's a thigh I know what a thigh is Get me a thigh And then they disappear

And come back I mean Say what he needs to do Because, dude, I've done this So many times I've been in these situations And I always complain I would go to the manager

Of the restaurant And go and be like I don't mean the night shift manager I want the guy that runs this shop That guy, he's not here When's he here? I'll be back And go back

And then you go to that guy And you go, listen to me, buddy Here's all the shit you guys fucked up Don't curse, but, you know However you gotta phrase it That's how you're gonna say it No, I like this fantasy calm Joe That you're creating

No, dude, trust me This is what I would You've actually been able to When I have to do this Yeah, if I collect myself I can do this If I call in the moment That's when I fuck up

But if I get my shit together I can do this You go in calm And you go, listen Here's the deal These are all the mistakes you've made I'm a loyal customer I spend a lot of money here

I keep coming back I'm telling you right now Either you give me compensation And you really gotta play up This is the angle you gotta play up You can't just say I ordered this and I got that Because then it's just gonna be like

Wow, they made a mistake You gotta play up Every time I order They give me the wrong thing But what's worse than that And what's truly unacceptable People make mistakes Okay, fine

Get to the point, Joe The fact that your staff The fact that your staff Is unable to live up to their mistakes And when I ask for them to rectify them They give me an attitude Like I am somehow wrong For what they screwed up

Joe, you know what? You're 100% right Because I'm about ready To give you a refund Just to not live on the rest of this And then you go Work with me here And if the guy gives you the problem

Then you go Well, I'm gonna go to corporate I want your store number And I want your full name Jesus Christ, Joe, you're wrong And if the guy gives you any trouble You go, really? You're not gonna give it to me?

Well, I know your first name Because I see on your name tag You think I'm not gonna figure out What this is? Because some of them won't do that Like, I've had people walk away from me I'm not giving you information Threaten them, man

Joe DeRosa says to make threats I like that But after? I'll call corporate All right, here's overrated and underrated We gotta start wrapping this thing up here, Joe Yeah, I gotta actually I gotta go now, actually

I gotta address Well, thank you for dropping in And dropping by I gotta go into the other room Yeah, I hope your pants are dry On the fan I fucking miss this place, man Thanks a lot

Can I plug something? Yeah, why not, Joe? Pour yourself out Thanks, Bill Why don't you pour out your sneaker contract? My album is coming out On Comedy Central Records It'll be out very soon

What did you call it? Did you call it what I wanted you to call it? No It's called the Depression Auction Which I think is a great title So, why are you shaking your head? You don't like it? I liked your other one better

It's fuck time at the shit party, dickhead Yeah They won't let me name it that Because too many curses in the title Oh, that promotes curiosity Is this the most filthy comedian ever? I know The next one

It all would have been the look in your face Like something was about ready to happen It's gotta be this one Looks like it's about time at the shit party, dickhead That would have been great Anyway, it's called the Depression Auction It'll be out on Comedy Central Records In a couple months

And I got some headlining dates coming up I'm doing... Well, Jesus, Joe You got a night at Vinnie Brand's Stress Factory in February I think it's... Is that like Tyler Perry's stress factory? Vinnie Brand's stress factory?

Yeah New Brunswick, New Jersey It's on Thursday, I believe the 11th, I think So come out to that, all right? All right, Joe That was some of the worst hyping ever Joe DiRosa, everybody I swear to God

You know He's... What happened? You just lost your momentum there No, I was trying to... Because I wanted you to be happy about my album title And you kind of shook your head No, no, no, I like it

I like it, but I'm just saying Shit time at the fuck party Shit time at the fuck party I was kind of wishing, you know Fuck time at the shit party Whatever the fuck it is It's funny I know, I just...

It couldn't happen I had to call it something else And depression auction is a bit I do Because they won't let you Which is why we're making our own fucking movie Exactly Because that's what this business is You come up with an idea

And then you go up to these people Who aren't funny and you go Is it okay if we do this? And they're like, no No, it isn't And you go, okay And you got to come back with some other stuff I actually never even asked if I could call it that

No, Joe I'm disappointed in you like a parent All right, okay So now it's back to the regular podcast Me just babbling I'm going to read underrated, overrated Over the week Here's a question to I have for you guys

What do you think is more overpriced? Okay, just little cunty fucking ideas What do you think is more overpriced? Disposable razors or orange juice Because both of those products They've somehow... Like if I was in the corporate world And I was trying to decide

How to make more money off of our product That would be my presentation That we somehow have to have our product To be perceived the same way Disposable razors and orange juice Orange juice I always say that wrong Orange

Orange juice are perceived And that would be my presentation I have like this fucking buildup of music And it would be like disposable razors Orange juice And then bam Whatever the fuck we was selling Fucking Kool-Aid

Just like orange juice It is drank And it's a different color than water Now you know why I'm a comic And I'm not in the corporate world Alright, let's get to overrated, underrated Overrated Drinking under the age of 21

I've always been a good kid Quote on quote What does that mean? You didn't drink But you fucking vandalized places And never started drinking Even now that I'm 19 However, all the guys I knew

Who have been getting wasted Since 14 Are all huge losers Ah Jesus Christ Isn't that true If you start at 17 You're okay That's what I'm advocating

Underage drinking from 17 on Yeah, those people who If you start drinking at 14 You have a terrible home life Or you're just a You're a follower And yeah, all those kids That's basically

Yeah, the kids who started Drinking in eighth grade If you can't make it To fucking out of junior high Make it to high school Without needing a fucking scotch To take the edge off from Adding and subtracting fractions

You know, you're just On your way to the gutter Anyways, he said I still have fun And I still meet girls By the way, I don't think Booze is bad or anything I do plan on getting hammered

On my 21st birthday Which is actually on St. Patrick's Day But it's not essential To having fun Like most people think You know something? I'm not trying to fuck up

What you're doing here Because I think what you're Doing here is great But until you've gone out And gotten shit-faced You really don't know Which is better, okay? But it's great that you haven't

Because what you haven't done Is you haven't opened up Pandora's Box It's kind of like me, you know Sitting here going, you know I don't need heroin, you know I feel great, you know If I go to the gym

I feel fucking awesome That's all I need You know why? Because I've never felt How awesome heroin feels Does that make any sense? This is really a fucking Irresponsible thing

That I'm doing here I'm almost like encouraging you To go drink I'm just saying, you know what? If you don't drink until then You might not want to You just never fucking do it It's not good for you

Drives out your joints You drink enough of it You need a fucking hip replacement I actually think that's more like If you do like coke and crystal meth Yeah, why do I even try? I don't even know what the fuck I'm talking about

Underrated Girls who wink at you I was introduced to a girl By my friend last night She winked at me And I almost creamed right there Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Oh, dude

You know what? I'm jealous of you You are, uh You ever hear that thing How you can't go back You can never go back You can't recapture your innocence I just wish I could somehow

You know, like when you get An external hard drive And you take all this shit Off your laptop And then you just drag it Into the hard drive So your fucking laptop Runs smoothly again

I wish I could do that With my brain And the first thing I would do Is I would take all the porn That I ever watched And I would just eliminate that You know? And I would just put that

On the fucking, uh You know, I bet we're about Five years away from Being able to do that shit That would be great I wish I could do that Um, a couple of chicks The memory of a couple of chicks

I fucked up in life I'd fucking download that Put that shit there Um, what other dumb shit What else has been fucking me up? Ah, whatever I don't fucking know I wish I could do that shit

If a girl winked at me now I'd be like, oh god What a fucking cheeseball I bet she can't kiss Who fucking winks? That's what I would think But if I was your age And I hadn't drank yet

And someone fucking winked at me Yeah, I would have fucking That would have been it That would have been it Um, that was really depressing What I just fucking said I think more so for me Dude, you know what?

You're doing the right thing You're living life the right way Don't, uh, yeah Don't do it Don't do whatever everybody else does Okay, you go out You get shit-faced And then you move on to fucking weed

And then you fucking bang As many fucking chicks as you can And you think that you're accumulating All this shit And someone is taking a hammer And a chisel to your fucking soul And you're just moving Further and further away from fucking

You know what I think true happiness is? It's being, uh, I don't know Not ignorant, just fucking Yeah, you didn't indulge I don't know You know what? I'm glad Joe was here I didn't realize I was

This fucking depressed this week It's just all the bullshit You know what I mean? To fucking eat a donut, right? But it takes you an hour to burn it off You know that all that fucking On a goddamn treadmill It's just that

Am I really giving you guys a whiny It isn't fair speech, Joe? This whole fucking thing Just went off the, uh, off the rails What happens when I leave, Bill? Is that what happens? You need me around, pal Well, why don't you help me wrap this up?

I can't, I gotta get my rides downstairs Your ride? This is New York City This is gonna be equipment For the big film, Bill Okay, Jesus Joe, you're gonna, you know what? Odds of somebody snapping on set tomorrow

I'm guessing you No, that was me I was trying to be funny I wasn't saying I know, but there's a tension in your voice One second, I was going We gotta pick up the equipment there, Bill I was just trying to be funny

All right, your face is a little tight That always is, Bill I'm saying there's not a general Okay, this podcast has just been An absolute clusterfuck But you know something? I dragged a mixer across the goddamn Country for you people

All right? And, uh, I want to, first of all I know I kind of shit on you guys this week Calling you morons and that type of thing And, uh, if you don't ever listen to this again I fucking understand And, uh, you know, I'll learn my lesson And I'll come back on next week

Under a disguised name Someone else, uh, I think I found a new place Where I'm gonna be doing these podcasts I have time to do one more podcast On Gcast I'll do it next Sunday When I'm in Tampa I will be in Tampa, Florida

And, uh, at the improv So please come out And, uh, oh, the last thing too By the way, that theater I'm playing in England I guess is the Leicester Theater For some reason it's, it's I don't even know, it's, it's fucking written like L-E-I-C-E-S-T-E-R

Maybe that's like some of their history You know, Europeans are always talking about America How there's no history over here You know what I mean? No documented history You know what I mean? I mean, I'm sorry we didn't build some fucking castles That you guys don't even want to visit

Unless you're in the fifth grade And they make you take a fucking field trip over there And do a report on it But anyways, I'll be over there Um, the Leicester Theater in, uh, London, England On the 18th And the 19th I'm in Dublin, Ireland

I believe at the Sugar Club And then I'm at Glasgow I thought it was Glasgow But it's Glasgow Uh, G-O-W Uh, I guess it said like slow Glasgow, Scotland You know, there's a couple places like that

Like, um, Oregon People read it And that's a big thing with people in the state of Oregon Joe's walking out They're like, it's not Oregon It's Oregon Really? Then why don't you spell it G-I-N?

Wow I'm actually doing bits now About the little wacky names of states I'm gonna fucking end this I don't know what happened Um, anyways, I'm frazzled We're shooting a movie this week I'll let you guys know when that thing comes out

And, uh, where you can purchase it And then one of you will purchase it And then you'll put it up on YouTube And then everybody will take it for free L-O-L Oh my god, laughing my ass off Oh, by the way I actually, uh, got in the

That fucking band Laughing my fucking ass off L-M-A-O-F Is that how you say it? Laughing my L-M I don't fucking know Whatever, work it out Have you heard that song that they do?

That shot song? I'm sure you've heard it Those guys, when I first heard that song I'm in Miami, bitch I thought that they were idiots And that that was the end of music And now I realize The fucking genius of what those guys are doing

If I was fucking 19, 20, 21, 22 And that fucking song came on In a bar, in a club People must be just going absolutely Out of their fucking minds When that comes on And then did the fucking hot bartenders Jump up like in that fucking coyote

Ugly and they start pouring shots If I was a club owner right now That's the fucking song I would be playing And I'd pour out shots to all you youngsters And then I would hire a couple of more Illegal aliens with mops and buckets To wipe up all your puke You inexperienced fucks

But that's a great fucking That's a great goddamn song That actually made me want to go out and drink But I haven't If you're wondering I still haven't drank What the fuck is today? It's the 25th

So I'm 24 fucking days in And this is my Catholic school upbringing I'm on punishment right now I sinned on January 1st And I just want Jesus to forgive me That's it, that's it for the podcast I know it was all over the place I know it sucked

And so, you know, I already know Oh, fuck! I forgot to tell this story This one's gonna be long All right, real quick I went to the UCLA game UCLA Bruins at the Pauly Pavilion This would be funny

This is worth hanging out for All right, and I was sitting down And I was down in the front row Right behind the basket And because it's college sports You know, you can get that For like fucking 65 bucks, you know So we show up

Me and a buddy of mine And there's this guy in the In a blue, UCLA blue Like Afro wig So I'm like, all right He's the crazy guy And right off the bat There was just something off

About the guy And I couldn't figure out what He started clapping And rocking back and forth And I just thought it was the Typical white dude with no rhythm And it just got progressively At first it was funny

And then you realized that the guy Was mildly... What is the politically correct Term for retarded? Mildly, mentally challenged And every once in a while A cheerleader, a male cheerleader Would come by

By the way, what's worse A male stewardess or cheerleader If you were a father Which one would you be more disappointed in? Male cheerleader comes by And he goes, all right We're going to do an 8 clap And I guess they got this cheer

And they just go One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight You see LA You see LA, fight, fight, fight That's like their fucking chant, right So he comes out And he brings the sign And he goes, all right everybody

We're going to do an 8 count And this fucking dude Who's like literally almost 50 years old He has this really high pitched voice With the blue afro He just gets up, he goes I know it, I know it, I know it, I know it He starts doing the cheer

With the male cheerleader And what is the word for that? That laugh That out of political correctness You're not laughing Because the person is, you know Got some issues, you know There before the grace of God

Go why, but what he's doing Is fucking hilarious Like when the other team would go To take a foul shot, you know People, they yell and they scream He would get up and he would We were like 10 feet behind the bucket Like that whole area was wide open

For the cheerleaders He would walk up there And just be like jumping up and down Like an absolute fucking spectacle And I swear to God He was actually, he was so fucked up He was actually making people Miss their shots

Because this old lady was like really annoyed Because she had season tickets She's like he comes here every game He's here every game And he thinks he takes credit When they miss And I wasn't, you know I respect old people too

And I also don't like making fun Of people who are mentally, you know Challenged But you know, there was a fucking Situation there, right I'm trying not to fucking laugh But the guy was hilarious And he was literally making people

Miss their shots And you know what the fun of the whole Thing was Was when he would walk up to people That they, that, you know Didn't know him And just watching them The look on their faces

As they slowly figured it out Like they're like Whoa, what's with this guy Is he drunk? Oh, oh, oh, okay And then they would sort of look down And some people would engage And they would shake his hand

And be like hello But then it became this conversation That you couldn't get out of But I have to admit, dude One of my ears is fucked up And his voice was so fucking loud I think he actually furthered My fucking tinnitus

So if you go to a UCLA game And even if they lose You're going to get a fucking show Because that dude is He's absolutely hilarious I think his name is Steve I don't know why I'm not making fun of the fucking guy

I guess I kind of was But I don't know I should have tapped out Like 10 minutes ago I probably should have told That fucking story Because I actually had a good time Going there

Legendary Alina Am I just talking to myself At this point? Oh, yeah Jesus, please, memory is what I'm not good at Even time will do Day and night is too long Day and night is too long