Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 1-26-19

Episode Date: January 26, 2019

Bill rambles about being late with the podcast, expiring technology, and his TV crushes.

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Hey Bill, dude, what the fuck? Why are you checking in on us so fucking late this week, dude? Would you have a fucking hernia? Is that what happened? Did you get hit by a car? No, it's been the most difficult podcast I've ever had to record you guys I need a start-up for my emotions Honestly

Honestly Honestly I don't know what happened I fucking got real busy and then I recorded the podcast For some reason, there was no audio I can't figure out what the fuck I did to my mixer Oh, I did something All Freckles did something

So this is my second attempt The last attempt was believe it or not I believe it was on Thursday, always on Wednesday I swear to God, the dog ate my homework That's literally what I'm telling you in a podcasting way So I'm back to one of my original mixers here Thank God I didn't throw it out Thank God I'm a bit of a pack rat, you guys

No, actually, I didn't want to throw it out I was going to give it away to somebody, that's what I wanted to do That was the thing, I was going to be like Do you realize the amount of times a semi-known comic said the word cunt into this mixer? Mixer? Mixer? Mixer? And I thought it'd be worse to somebody that they would take it But I never got around to doing that Thank God I had a backup mixer

That's the level that I'm balling at right now You got a mixer, buddy? I got a mixer and a backup mixer What the fuck do you got? You know, if they still had MTV Cribs right now, I would be on it Or Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous They have one and a half mixers Alright It's Saturday, Saturday

Alright, and Oh Freckles has been alcohol free for nine miserable fucking weeks It's actually, you know, something, I'm at the point now I don't even give a shit I don't think, I think about it occasionally But now when I think about it, I think, well why would I go back to that? Huh? Oh Billy Boo's face Sitting back enjoying himself after a long day of hard work of performing words that other people wrote Do you guys realize how hard it is to be an actor sometimes To just show up and say things that people already said for you on a piece of paper?

That's one of the reasons why this week's a little crazy I got a little acting gig over the next week or so And I'm on General Hospital And I'm not allowed to say Everything you're not allowed to say now Because you got all these fucking cunts Who tries to figure out what you're on And then they start, I don't know what they do

And then somehow they know what you're doing before you even shoot it That's like the level of technology, okay If you actually say what you're acting on And somebody listening to you on a podcast Has a drone with one of those GoPro's Somehow they will know what scene you're doing the next day before you are Before you do Okay

Speaking of drones Do you know that the next level of Uber The next level of Lyft The next level of fucking There's only two fucking, there's only two of them You either take Lyft or Waze It's like back in the day when there was VHS or Beta And everybody chose VHS

So think about that the next time you're going to get in a car with a stranger Huh? There's a bunch of weird movies coming out now I don't understand, you know there's a fucking documentary right now In Sundance It's, I can't, I glance at it quickly I think it said it was four hours long It can't be four hours long

It's a documentary about two now adults Who said when they were kids They allegedly got molested by Michael Jackson Now I gotta ask you this Why the fuck would I want to sit down and watch that? I'm going to sit there with a bucket of popcorn and some fucking juniors Alright Let me hear the worst story that can happen to a kid

You know You know some people say oh they're just doing it for money I don't know what the fuck happened, I wasn't there but it's you know True or untrue, I don't want to listen to those stories What kind of a fucking person wants to fucking sit down You go into the movies, you know you're going to get something to eat And you're sitting there at the counter Ooh, what do you feel like indulging in before we listen to this horror?

Um, I don't know but when I go back I think when I saw Schindler's List I believe I was eating popcorn I mean that's just With certain movies you should not be sitting there Stuffing your face with food, right? We now have a documentary about the genocide in Rwanda And out of respect for the victims None of you fat Americans will be allowed to eat over the next two hours

Aw, everybody fucking groans Hashtag hypoglycemic Anyways, so they are getting back to the drones The next level of Uber is that they're actually going to have I swear to God like unmanned drones Well I guess none of them are really manned right now That you can get into like a life size one, like a human size one And you get in this fucking thing and you fly over the traffic

Like I do And I fly one of the Heliotype copters And I have to tell you this You are out of your fucking mind If you remember the Lasik eye surgery when that first came out You remember that and there'd be a couple of fucking people go Oh my God, I can see it to the future But like one out of every 15 would be like

My eyes! What did you do? I'll never see you again Yeah, there's going to be the first week of Lasik eye surgery version of that I want to know how in the fuck The FAA is going to fucking sign off on that one You know goddamn well It was a glitch

The hatch just blew You're going to have the Gus Grissom fucking Something's going to happen You know It's bad enough that you're going to have the person up there Careening down or falling down to the death You're going to be sitting there fucking watching NFL

And a fucking hipster is going to fall through your goddamn ceiling Tight jeans and all You know, Hitler Youth fucking Fade With the, I know how to make shoes by hand The beard that he's going to have is going to come falling right through your fucking ceiling I don't know, you know You know, you'd think if fucking people like Elon Musk are trying to figure out a way to drill through the goddamn earth

And now they're going to have unmanned people Unmanned people Unmanned devices flying people around up there You'd think at some people, at some point Jesus Christ the kid speaks Somebody would address the fucking population problem Signs you have too many people We're going to have unmanned drones flying people over densely populated areas

Hey everybody You have cell phones, you have laptops How many times, what's the longest they've consistently worked Before you had to refresh it Or shut it down or restart it Or take it over to the Apple Store So one of the geniuses Could be like, oh, oh, I find the, I found the problem

People in aviation, you can't hit a refresh button Okay Yeah, they refresh, they refresh by hosing off wherever the fuck you crash landed Let's refresh this scorched earth And then it'll be like, well should they install horror struck today When two hipsters from Silver Lake were trying to get from Silver Lake out to Santa Monica To go to a craft beer tasting fucking festival, whatever the fuck it is they do To go to a pocket watch convention

Yeah, and then they'll fall in through some fucking, you know Not paid in a month, air traffic control is fucking irony struck today I don't know, you're out of your fucking mind And I also gotta think it's going to be at least 300 bucks per trip That'll become some elite thing and then they'll be like, you know, we have to have affordable unmanned drones Why are you saying unmanned, Bill? Why? Because man learned how to fly, not women And I'm sure when Hollywood does the fucking next biopic of Orville and Wilbur

It'll be like, well, why can't it be Orville and Wilma? And they'll make one of them a woman and they'll make some sort of backstory that one of them actually identified as female Just so they don't get yelled at on Twitter Orville and Wilma, we're very proud of this That the real story of fucking Devil's Island, whatever the fuck they call it Actually where they learned how to fly is like some devil's something or other Now I'm sure there's some Jesus fucking group out there Jesus free group, we'll just talk about it

That's why you tell you right now that's why flight is evil Ain't you ever read the story of Icarus? They flew too close to the sun and his winged beast caught on fire And he went all the way back down to earth and he continued to fall to earth Through the earth into the pits and the flames of hail I don't know what I'm talking about and I don't give a shit I'm just contractually obligated here to give you guys some sort of an effort for 30 minutes Okay, that's what you're getting out of me

Oh, by the way, speaking of effort, Sunday, tomorrow, Sunday January 27th, 2019 This is the soft open of a sports world without football for the next six months This is the one God bless ESPN, God bless Fox Sports The way they're going to be keep yammering on Sunday is if something sports-wise is actually happening in football We're down here at the training camp and Rob Gronkowski is touching his left hand to his right fucking cleat Rob, you find it harder to reach to the right one with your left hand or the left one with your right hand?

I'm sorry, Rob Gronkowski is not answering questions right now I mean, who the fuck is going to sit around and watch that? They used to at least have the goddamn Pro Bowl They had something going on But that's it people, there's only one more week of NFL football and there's only two teams left All right, one left So you have to ask yourself, who are you inviting to your Super Bowl party? Huh?

Are you going to have the balls to fucking only invite sports fans? I guess if your team isn't in it, why do you give a shit? Why not be social? You know what I mean? Why not have a bunch of people come over who don't give a fuck? They're just there for the burgers, the Doritos, the fucking hot dogs, the stupid dips That fucking thing that somebody made that nobody really likes but they bring it every year And everybody's going to take at least one fucking bite out of the thing And be like, oh, it's even fucking better than last year I think I'm toying with the idea of having people over, it's going to be a select few

All right, and they will come in and unmanned drones and hopefully not fall through the fucking roof of my house That's what I'm hoping, that's what I'm hoping happens Now why the fuck is this? This seems like the sound is down low on this one Ah, Jesus Christ, who knows? Who the fuck knows? I just want to thank all the brave men and women who make the mixers out there Who are fighting for my freedom and defending this country against terrorism How's that? Dude, how much longer is this government shutdown going to lie? This is like the most fucking petty goddamn like...

And I don't understand too, why if the government shuts down? Okay, air traffic controllers and people like that, they don't get paid But politicians continue to get fucking paid I bet, I'll go out on a limb here I'll bet because there was some sort of legislation that a fucking politician paid somebody to come up with And they all fucking agreed They all agreed to be like, yes, we will continue to get paid Those fucking filthy cunts

I still don't understand how somebody could actually be a Democrat or a Republican When you watch behavior like this, for you to actually just fucking sit there You know, I mean, I don't know, I'm gonna sit here And what I'm gonna do now is do what every fucking cunt does Which is I'm gonna state the obvious without a solution You know, and act like I am above you Alright, that's what I mean, I do that in general Just part of being a reformer, part of getting on stage

Part of being back and waiting for your name to be called And feeling that rush of excitement that can only be described as someone else who has taken the stage You know, when you speak into a microphone, you just feel like you know things Alright, and I apologize to all of you poor people out there who never in your life Will you ever know the thrill of not reading and simply turning on a device Speaking into a microphone recording yourself You know, I feel bad for you, you know, I respect all of you You know, you put your pants on one leg at a time

You know, Joe's six packs, you get through at least four beers Before you physically abuse the woman in your life You know, the regular Joe's out there, Lunch Pale Larry Right, Ham Hawk Harry You know, fucking Capri Sun Sandra Capri Sun, mother fuck that I pull that out, I don't know I never got into those fucking juices back in the day, all that fucking weird shit people used to eat Over those things during lunchtime, 30 fucking years ago in the cafeteria I'd go to

It would literally be what they would call fruit roll-ups They used to have this shit fruit roll-ups and I swear to God, it looked like wax These people would just fucking just be, I don't know what it was, it was some sort of fruit infused flavor With like a pound of sugar and then, I don't know Earwax from fucking workers in a third world plant or some shit, I don't know what it was Kids would sit there and eat them, you know what, nobody died Nobody died and the world was actually, in a lot of ways, was a better place I'm not saying we were as progressive as we are today

Some would argue overly progressive And when I say some, I would say a lot of the voices in my head would say I think we're going a little too far with this shit, you know You start giving actors shit for acting Why are you pretending to be something that you're not? Because it's acting, that is what acting is Okay, if you take an acting job and you just act what you already are, that's not really acting Which is why so many people have done a decent job being what they are on screen

And then everybody thinks they can act, oh I can act Acting's easy Remember when that chick from Hull, that crazy drug addicted chick from Hull Played the crazy drug addicted chick in that fucking, she was unbelievable That crazy drug addicted chick, I couldn't believe how well she played a crazy drug addicted chick Not saying every crazy drug addicted woman can then go on screen There is a certain level of fucking talent, okay But don't put yourself on the same level that my left foot guy

Guy walks around acting like Abe Lincoln for a fucking year before he's actually Abe Lincoln Okay, then you're going to just come in and play a heightened version of yourself What am I doing right now? I am describing my acting career Anyways, how much time is that? Oh Jesus Christ, it's like fucking, you know what's hilarious, it's like 5.50 in the morning And I got up to go to the gym I got the acting gig also happens today, I just have a later call time So I was like, I'm going to get up and go to the gym, alright

Cause I'm trying to get myself back in shape here, right So remember the old gym song, I go to the gym every day It's just become pop me life And if you don't want to be a fatty You go to the gym every day, you can't everybody I go to the gym every day So I don't go every day, I take one day off, alright I figure even if the Lord needed to take one day off when he was creating the universe

As I'm sculpting this flower covered colored body Do you know how, you know something, all of these minorities out there with their pigment Bitch moaning and complaining, I ask you this as a privileged white male Do you understand how difficult it is to get shredded when you're as transparent as me Okay, I could be in just as good a shape as some Hawaiian Okay, but because I am so pasty, the world is never going to know it And do you understand how difficult that is for me when I walk out into the world? It's like, hey, I have a couple of abs too, you just can't see them

I want to get that Janet Jackson stomach makeup, you know, get one of those people When you almost have abs, then they just spray paint them in I want to do that, alright And then I'm going to put on a half shirt and do my dance cover of Miss You Much I miss you much, oh, I miss you much, I really miss you much I remember, I had a crush on her when she was on different strokes I didn't like her when she was on good times, you know what I mean? And not because she was younger with baby fat, you know, because we're basically the same age

It was because she was broke, okay And I'm not trying to get with some, she was living in the projects then I liked her better when she was, you know, on different strokes, you know Interacting with super rich white people Then me as a little white kid could relate, like, alright Oh, now the world don't move to the beat of just one drum Well, my review may not be right for some Alright

That was inadvertently one of the funniest things that I've said on this podcast But I'm sure someone will take it in the wrong way What are you saying? You can't fall in love with someone because they live in the projects, projects, projects? That's exactly what I'm saying That is how privileged I am You know, if women can go into these fucking single bars, these meat markets And one of their first questions they ask you when you run into them Is what do you do for a living, you know?

How much fucking cake are you putting on the table there, swinging dick, right? Why can't I choose... Why can't I choose my TV crushes? Huh? That's how I was, I was an elitist with my TV crushes You know, fuck all those bitches on the Waltons But I would fuck anybody on Falcon Crest Including the men

Now the world don't move to the beat of just one drum Bunch of rich white people throwing each other in the pool in evening gowns I've never seen that one Is that when Joan Crawford and Morgan Fairchild had their infamous cat fight, you know? I think it's reenacted on floats during the Gay Pride Parade in every city Isn't that what they... Isn't that required? They have to have one stereotypical thing Alright, gay people, gay men, let's...

Let's do what straight people think we're into Let's appease them so we can try to be a little more mainstream this year Oh man, that different stroke song, when it gets in your fucking head, you just can't get it out You know, but it's enjoyable Everybody's dead except the dude who played Willis That's kinda sad I guess I died next I think I'm the same age as Willis

Willis drumming, boo boo boo Willis drumming He's the only one left alive, yes he is You know something, that's what I do when I watch me TV I try to see like who's the only guy left Oh, that's a great fucking trivia thing Name TV shows where there's only one series regular still alive Different strokes

The Beverly Hillbillies The fucking, uh, the dude You know, that's how you right now, that shows you right now how hard show business is You know what I mean, cause in the real world women outlive the men Alright, but this business is so fucking difficult That, that doesn't make any sense, does it? Well let's see, well the one chick overdosed and then the housekeeper, she was like 93 when they started shooting that She fucking crushed it

She had a great acting career You know, she had two shows that made syndication She was on, uh The facts of life, right? You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both, and there you have the facts of life, you know You know why that song was at that tempo, because when you really just slow that down, that doesn't make any sense You take the good, you take the bad You take them both, and there you have the facts of life

What, that doesn't mean anything When you speed it up, take the good, you take the bad, you take them both, and there you have the facts of life Oh, that's catchy, I don't feel like thinking, the facts of life I know what you're thinking, hey Bill, your wife is black, were you into Tooty on that show? No, I was not, I liked Joe Joe the mechanic, I liked her riding the dirt bike The fucking tomboy I liked Blair at first, you know, at first I liked Blair, but there was just something so fucking wholesome about her after a while

I was just like, ah Jesus Christ Can you imagine the fucking look she'd be given me a weekend to this? Do you like how I'm entertaining the fact that a young freckled me could have actually dated Blair from, um What was that fucking show, I just said it, the facts of life Alright, I don't have anything to talk about, so I'm gonna tell you about my TV crushes Alright, back in the day I would occasionally watch Charlie's Angels, because even back then I was so sexist That I couldn't get over the fact that I was watching these women all made up running down the alleys, tackling these fucking guys into trash kids You know, having said that, I obviously liked Farrah Fawcett

Alright, but I was a Kate Jackson fan She was sort of the first Demi Moore, I feel, you know, the fucking brunette with the smoky fucking voice And then the best was when she was on the rookies You know what I would love to have on the fucking podcast? I would love to have the trumpet player from the 1970s Who fucking just got in with whatever studio and played half of those theme songs Dude, if you were in a fucking horn section, living in LA in the 70s Right, and you just fucking, and then they had all those cop shows You were working every fucking week, you and that bongo player

The bongo player was just crushed, every time you fucking chased a suspect down a fucking alley They always were playing the congas and the bongos, right? And then whenever they had the theme song for the show, it was the fucking horn section Fucking horn players, crushing it Walking around with polyester shirts unbuttoned down to your navel, you add your medallion, your little coke spoon Right? Don't go to bed with a press on your head, no, don't do it Alright, Bill, what are your predictions for the Super Bowl?

You know me, I never think my team's gonna win I hope they win, but I'll tell you right now They're gonna have their hands full with these rams of Los Angeles Did I already make fun of those fucking, those 30-something douchebags in the rams jerseys who were crying? They were getting all emotional and their fucking girlfriends were comforting them When the rams beat the saints, it's like, what the fuck are you, that's such a typical phony fucking LA douchebag It's like the rams have been back for three years, they left in the 80s You're fucking 30 years old

You don't remember these fucking people? Oh my god, I've been waiting since I was 26 and now I'm 29 Now the world, don't move to the beat of just one drum, your team just moved back Stop with the crocodile tears, that's the wrong expression, stop with your phony fucking tears Those were actors, that's what they were, and then the NFL of course has to show them Look how happy we make people And now let's take a veteran out of the crowd and charge the Marines money for it Ladies and gentlemen, I'll about a round of applause for this hero that we're now charging the military a fee for a commercial acting like we support

Let's bring out the American flag everybody and whore out people's patriotism so we can make more money Let's settle this class action suit with former players that comes down to about $38 per player Oh jeez, I'm getting cynical 29 minutes, ah, we made another one, you know what, I gotta read a little advertising here Oh yeah, that was a spaghetti bolognese with a lot of garlic Download the Maideleise app and cook with Yeah, great The Leise, along with the Gleven

I can be broken my own motherfucker That's how I justify my crush My elitist crush on Janet Jackson Alright, here we go Helix everybody, Helix? Hey man, you ever wake up in the morning with a raging heart? No, you ever wake up in the morning with regrets of what you've done? Do you know what I did this morning?

I woke up this morning, I had a dream that one of my relatives was on a boat that sank with like 200 fucking people and they were all missing and somehow I was in the ocean but still in my house and I found my loved one and I picked her up and she was face down and when I turned her over she started crying and was coughing and she was still alive and I came in and I think I talked shit, I talked to the other rescuers, I said beat that and then I realized she was still alive and I started crying and then I really just started wailing crying

and I walked by my mother and she just went, Jesus, Bill Like I was crying too much I don't even get supported in my dreams Replaying the terrible decisions you made the previous night over and over and over? The kicking, the sweating, the yelling, or whatever else you did to piss everyone off to piss everyone in the bedroom off, well guess what? Depending, deciding to sleep on a shitty mattress is your choice I like how these people try to write this dialogue like the way I talk

so now I have to take my head away from the microphone and read literally what they wrote But Bill, buying a mattress is so hard, where would I ever begin? Well, you're in luck, buddy A lot of buds and buddy here, it's written by Jeff Spicoli What's your problem, bud? Because Helix, Helix Sleep, the mattress I've been yelling at you to buy for almost two years will challenge your life, just go to helixsleep.com slash burr Take their two-minute sleep quiz and they'll match you to the perfect mattress

It's like tinder for finding a mattress All the fun with none of the next morning regrets and misery And right now, you can get up to $125 off your mattress order on helixsleep.com slash burr They have a 100 night trial Gross! Free shipping and won't send you creepy texts the next day That's helixsleep.com slash burr for up to $125 off your mattress They let you try that, you got a 100 night free trial

It doesn't feel right You know, when I'm banging my broad, it just doesn't feel right in my cock You know Well, what kind of balls do you have? I got those medium-sized ones, but for some reason they weigh down my ball sack as if it's not a quality ball sack You know, like I feel like if I had a quality ball sack, the weight of my balls, they wouldn't be mid-thigh It actually makes me, do they end plastic surgery? Am I going to see one of the male Kardashians go down there and get a ball tuck, a ball sack tuck?

You know Do you have a wrinkly ball sack? That is so 2018 Come on down and get Botox, give you balls Botox Just listen to what these women have to say I never used to lick my husband's balls, but now that they're so smooth and not hairy, I'm down there every night Every night taint Alright, that was my nod to David Cross and Bob Odenkirk One of the hardest I've ever left in a sketch show

Is when they did that fucking sketch about the guy with the giant taint in the porn industry And how they went, it was not that sketch I didn't even hear that sketch, it's the way they went into that sketch Where they had like a Batman style fight I can't really remember what happened, but like, you know, they were doing the freeze frame on the punches They go pow, biff, you know, slam And then the last one, this dude looked like he kicked the guy in the balls and it just said taint And I was fucking screaming laughing

Because taint was in the white world a very not known reference at that point If I remember correctly, that came out of the African-American community You know, taint pussy, taint balls, it's the taint Right, and that was new to white people and I was not ready for, I think Patrice told me that one And I wasn't ready for that to be coming out of that show And I was screaming laughing and my lady at the time, who was Caucasian, she didn't know what I was laughing at But I was laughing, you know when somebody laughs so hard, even if you don't get it, you start laughing That's basically what happened

And you know what just happened there? You just listened to 34 minutes of my bullshit I got you again, motherfuckers Alright, that's the podcast Have a great weekend, you cunt There's going to be a little musical interlude here And then you're going to listen to another 30 minutes of A Greatest Hits Thursday afternoon Just before Friday, Monday morning podcast, possibly released on Saturday It might have came out 10 years ago, 8 years ago, or fucking 8 minutes ago

I don't know, I don't pick them, alright I'll see you on Monday Good morning! What's going on? It's Bill Burr It's the Monday morning podcast for Monday, January 24th, 2011 How the hell are you? How you doing? Did you have a good week? Was the world nice to you? This is a big day for me, everybody This is my 100th day

Remember when I said I was knocking off the booze? Because I was starting to have a big bloated face I was like, fuck this I got to get on the treadmill I got to knock off the booze And I was trying to beat my previous record of going 75 days And this time I said, fuck it, I'm going for an even 100 And the goal has been achieved, achieved, achieved, achieved

I'm psyched, I did it And tonight I'm going to the Bruins L.A. King's game Down at the Staple Fennah The most unfriendly fan fucking place you'll ever go to It's the haves, the really haves, and the have-nots I've broken it down for you before You got all the corporate seats down low Sitting next to Diane Cannon, Jack Nicholson, and fucking Sissy Spasic

Who ever the fuck else is down there? Those douchebags sitting there with their fucking faces Yank-backed, you know By the way, how long has Jack Nicholson been going bald for? It's just fucking unbelievable How long it took for that guy to go bald He lost one hair a day since 1972 So have you noticed that?

There's certain people it just takes for fucking ever Unless they seamlessly went into a toupee But you know, being someone who's balding myself You know, I pay attention to that type of shit And I pay attention to all these motherfuckers I see the receding hairline and all of a sudden it's not there The next movie, and I was like, there you go Look at that guy, he went out

And he got himself sort of scalped in a user-friendly way And then they receded the front I ain't going out like that My goal in life, I want to look like Clint Howard Woo, it's not going to end good for me Yes, I went a hundred days One hundred days Went a hundred days and

Yes, and I don't know, I'm afraid I'm scared, everyone I'm afraid to start drinking again Because I noticed that I just pick up where I left off Like, I really learned about addiction During these last hundred days I realized how much shit I was You know, not addicted to a level

That it was like, you know I was coming home and slapping my girl around You know, getting on all fours Growling at my dog as I peed on the stereo And then the next morning like I didn't do anything, I don't remember that Well, maybe I wouldn't drink If you weren't such a cunt

You know, I wasn't doing stuff like that I was just out having a good fucking time I like beer the way I like cake and cookies There's really no reason There's no reason to have cake or cookies There's no nourishment that your body needs You don't need that much fucking sugar But I like it, I like the fucking rush

You know? You're sitting there feeling gloomy I hate myself, what am I doing? Remember when I was young And I'd just go out and play frisbee And it was fun, man, it was simple Right? You get older, you got all this debt

You got all this bullshit, everybody's fucking nagging you You get the blues, so you go out You get a slice of cake, right? Feeling like shit Six bites of cake later, you're like Dude, I am fucking awesome Right? You got that sugar rush going So that's what I realized

I have a number of addictions I am addicted to sugar It's not like I need an intervention But I fucking crave it But if I lay off it for four days If I don't eat any sweets for four fucking days When I look at a donut or a piece of cake It's like laughable

Like why the fuck would you eat that? Look at it It doesn't even look like real food You know? When you're off, when you're fucking When you kick sugar, when you look at a glazed donut Just sitting there all fucking sweaty It just looks horrible

It's like why would you do that to yourself? You look at all the frosting on a cake You make that face Like you just sucked on a lemon Like Jesus Christ Enough already That fucking cunt downstairs just slammed the door Because I'm being too loud

I don't care Douchebag, I fucking love old people But I hate that motherfucker downstairs I fucking hate that guy I hate that He's got that classic old person smell He does it He has a unique smell

He smells like a fucking If you lit a wet dog on fire Okay, if you did that That's what he smells like Fucking miserable motherfucker Those goddamn dockers The original dockers Fucking army navy store shop

And douchebag Fucking miserable cunt Giving me the stink guy Every time I walk up the fucking walk I can't stand the guy, fucking hate him There, I hate him, I don't give a shit I die, I'll fucking, you know I'll argue that one

In the afterlife I'll sit right there, you know You drank and drove, yes I did Guilty as charged You treated a lot of women like shit You're absolutely right, guilty as charged You had a poor opinion About the old man downstairs

Well let me tell you something Jesus You try living above that fucking cunt Go talk to your dad, he made him Oh my god, shut up you fucking hippie Oh gee So anyways So tonight I am going to I'm going to go watch

The best of the Of the four Sports, the four major sports Hockey is the best Goddamn sport out there, alright And I know a lot of you won't realize That because you never played it You never went to a game

Hence you don't know what you're talking about You know, it'd be like me Making fun of line dancing I've never done it, you know I've never gone out and bought a pair of Wrangler jeans That were fucking eight dollars And nine sizes too small for me So they cupped my fucking bowls

And got out there And stuck my hands in my pockets And did this little fucking That little, oh my god that fucking Line dancing Can there be a mass Suicide amongst line dancers Could that just fucking happen in the middle of

Your fucking corn ball Stupid ass fucking Country music Country music is I don't even know what it's for It's for like pod people There's absolutely no soul in it There isn't

Right there, angry redneck Listening to this, punching the dashboard Of your Chevy S10 Alright, there isn't, it fucking sucks And that line dancing We sit there with your fucking thumbs In your fucking pockets And you do that little

Actually, I'm in Dallas, Texas this week So let's go for big air on this one We do that thing, you fucking I wish this was a vodcast Which I'm not doing by the way So stop fucking asking me Is you can listen to it while you're doing other shit Right?

Are you or are you not doing Other shit right now? Well alright then Are you or are you not pretending to be Working right now, looking at spreadsheets Right? You want a fucking plane? What are your choices for food?

Aren't you doing that as you listen to this? Well then quit your fucking bitchin Alright, so anyways they do that stupid thing Where they ban their fucking nays And I can't even think of the fucking music Right? Isn't that how the music goes? And then they do that little thing where they

Just one of their feet The right foot, we'll say the right foot It's just pivoting on the heel And the toes are face forward And then to the side and then back to the front Ah! Then they do that little thing where they bring their fucking foot up And they spank the bottom of their foot

All of them You know what kills me about those people Is they actually think that Jesus loves them I got news for you Rednecks, Jesus is looking the other way He's embarrassed He's combing his fucking hair into his face When he watches you people line dance

He is Looking like that chick in the ring Um Yeah, so speaking of which, I'm gonna be I completely forgot what the fuck I was talking about I know, yeah, I'm going to Going to the hockey game tonight Kings vs. Boston Bruins

The LA Kings, who actually have a really good team I like that dude Simmons He's fucking fast as hell And Cobata Um It's the greatest fucking game And I've actually been playing hockey recently

Ice hockey, the real fucking deal And I'm excited, guess what I learned how to do this week 42 years of age, not married, no kids I learned, finally learned how to stop On both sides But you know what's funny I have to go buy some more hockey stuff You know what's funny, out here in LA

I have to drive all the way down to like Orange County just to find some place That will sell hockey stuff But I have to Even though I suck at the sport, I just I'm just an old man and like It takes about four days That's how deep the bruises are

After I'm done falling on the ice And like four days after I play I look like I've been beaten With a fucking bamboo cane I had a brutal one When I was in fucking Atlantic City Last weekend Doing the Miami Heat tour of comedy

By the way Atlantic City was so successful I just got an email today for an offer Up in Foxwoods For April 30th So I will let you know as soon as I find out I might actually have an update right now Wouldn't that be amazing

Right here on the fly As you listen to the Monday morning podcast Fuck, let's just keep the flow of this podcast going I think this was gonna It's gonna be a good one We're almost 11 minutes in Things are going well for some reason My voice seems way too loud on this thing

What's going on with this Anyways Yeah, so I fell on my fucking Right ass cheek and hip Last time we played before Atlantic City And Because I kept pushing on it going I can't believe that didn't bruise

It hurts when I touch it When I push my thumb into my little fucking Right butt cheek, it hurts, right And then like four days later I'm in Atlantic City And I'm showering and I look down And it looked like somebody Through a can of grape soda at me

So I will be getting all of the hockey stuff Which I really didn't want to do Because I don't want to put it out there That I think I know how to play hockey Because I don't, I just enjoy it It's fucking fun, it's a fast game The only equipment I wear is I wear

A helmet for my big fucking head And I wear the full cage in the front Because I don't need any hockey scars You know, with the sticks And all that shit, why would I do that to myself You know, like I'm gonna win a cup And I need to sacrifice No speaking of which, I should probably

Win a cup too, right? No lifting Hang on a second We're going to the inbox, did I get anything? Did I get anything? Nothing, you motherfucker So anyways, yeah So tonight actually, technically

I can start boozing This is the 100th day But I gotta be honest with you, I'm not gonna do it I think I'm gonna try to see How long I can go with this I'm gonna wait till there is a specific Event where boozing makes Sense

And Then I'm gonna knock it off Then I'm gonna booze What am I gonna do, honestly Am I never gonna have a beer for the rest of my life? I don't know how those people In AA do it, I have a weird Sort of like respect for people

In AA And I also have a A disdain for them Cause I went to a couple of AA meetings Not by choice The judge told me I had to go That's part of your sentence

And I went there And I didn't like it I kind of liked it I liked sort of the room, kind of like The only aspect of church that I like I like going to church because it reminds me Not to be a complete piece of shit, but other than that All that stuff about hippies

Walking on water, talking to bushes It just sounds like an acid trip And, uh, it's just Stupid, and there's always a fucking leper How many fucking lepers Were there back then? Jesus Christ You can't tell me you wouldn't have a fucking giant

Stick Back in the day, just for the lepers You know? Ugh, Jesus Christ I'd fucking smash him right Get the fuck away from me Fucking leper Jesus Christ

He has the ability to cure himself I don't Don't you think that Maybe that's why he was such a good shit Because he's the son of God He knows he's going to heaven Of course he's doing the right thing It's so fucking easy to be a good shit

When you can walk on water And touch something and it gets cured Of course he's going up and shaking your hand You fucking freak Get away from me, I can't do that You're a leper, fuck off Now go cry to the son of God So anyways

Yeah, so I would go to these meetings These meetings And, uh, you know I don't know, I believe in addiction And then other times I just think, I don't think all those people are addicts I think some of them, they're just weak I can't stop myself

It's like, you don't have Like Your brain tells your arm to move And pick up something and put it to your lips Right? Do you guys like alcoholics? Do you guys become like such an alcoholic Like the bottles actually talking to you?

Look at me Come over and pick me up I don't fucking buy into that shit You know? Goddamn Fucking pussy alcoholics Alright Go drink a case of beer I understand it, puke it up

And then take, you know, a week or two off You don't do it every night You know? Actually I'm full of shit I 100% believe in that addiction thing And I actually believe I actually now I now understand

After watching the biggest loser every season I now realize, yeah It is an addiction Because every one of those people Has some sort of psychological reason As to why they do it But wait a minute I'm not fat

But I'm out of my fucking mind Yeah Yeah, so fuck them Alright, alright, sorry, I had to work that out Fuck those fat fucks Fuck them I get sad and then I eat 24 cakes How come nobody gets sad

And they do sit-ups What's the deal? We're working out Actually some people do That's one of the last shows they'll do Gym addictions You know? They'll do something like that

Because I think they're out of boring jobs To try to make exciting Have you seen that they actually have a show out there right now About people mining for gold You know? I mean mining for gold, obviously they still do it But it's like big business now You know what I mean?

That cut the tops off of mountains And then they grind them down Like you did with your number two pencil in second grade Trying to get down to the eraser Right? Okay, but nobody with a big bushy beard Is squatting down Like a Chinese gambler

Next to a fucking river with a goddamn dinner plate Trying to find gold But lo and behold They found 10 douchebags who were doing it And they decided to make it a show And they decided to fucking have What, film these guys arguing each other And play this something dangerous

Is happening music underneath it And I'm sick of it, alright? Fuck miners, fuck people who Make cakes for a living Fuck those goddamn crab fishermen You know? Nobody is making you go on That goddamn boat

Fucking idiots going out there Risking your lives over flounder You know? Just say what you do out loud for a living Just say it out loud a couple of times to yourself I go on a fucking tugboat Okay, and I Risk my life

To get king crabs So rich people have something crunchy to eat Go fuck yourself JP Morgan You want crab? Go get it yourself What are your fucking options? Actually, you know something I'm making fun of I actually respect those guys because I have a tremendous Tremendous fear of the ocean

Huge fear People who go out and swim in the ocean You're out of your fucking minds You're out of your fucking minds I know I've said this before On the podcast, but you know what? I'm gonna say it again I'm gonna give a shit

I'm edgy, I'm crazy They should make a show about me and my podcast And the dangers of it You know? And then me and Nia will have fake arguments You know? We'll have shit like plugs or something We'll go wrong, you know? I don't have, I don't have what

Where's my Olympus LS 10? I thought you were gonna have it Then they'll cut to me I couldn't find the Olympus LS 10 You know? I mean, I gotta get this podcast done by Monday I don't know what the fuck they're gonna have You notice that? Like, I think that

Orange County choppers They basically created The template For all those reality shows And now everybody does that shit The exact same thing that would happen On that fucking motorcycle show Where the sun would be like

And then we had a problem The carburetor didn't fit Well, the carburetor wasn't here Then the dad comes in Yo, what's going on? The carburetor isn't here What do you mean the carburetor isn't here? Then the fuck is this done by Friday?

Then he gets on there So Mikey's fucking standing around I want you where the fucking carburetor is How fucking Jacked is the dad on that show? He could squeeze my entire family to death If he got excited enough So now they do that shit Like it makes sense on the chopper show

A bunch of mechanics They're wearing their greasy dickies They got butt cracks hanging out They're gonna yell and scream at each other Right? But the fucking idiots making cakes So we get a job We have to make a cake for the firehouse

And I decided to do A cake that was shaped like a fire hydrant I wanted to do a fire hydrant motif With a little Dalmatian You know peeing on the fire hydrant But Michael was like I don't think we should bring urine into something

That's gonna be in your mouth It was typical Michael just shitting on my creative process I'll kill yourselves Nobody cares Nobody cares about you and your fucking cakes And I like cakes You guys didn't know that about me, did you? Let's see how we would

20 minutes in here The fucking podcast Should I do it? Should I do it? I'm gonna be a class act here My condolences To the Chicago Bear fans And the fans in the New York Jets The true fans

The true sports fans The ones that don't talk shit The ones who are cool You can actually have a conversation about football With my condolences I believe as a fan of Boston Teams for my entire life I know what it feels like to be that fucking close

And get kicked in the seeds again So my condolences, congratulations To the Steelers And the Green Bay Packers And uh I would like to open this dialogue This is something that bugs me About NFL football

Is Is this I don't get why The fucking major sport They count championships from a hundred years ago Like Let's look at the Red Sox They won the championship in like

1908 or something when they had Crazy Legs McGee Was playing fucking third base with his giant Ebenezer fucking mustache They count those The Red Sox count five World Series titles that we won from 1918 and before

Fucking Montreal Canadians They count Stanley Cups that they won During that time too Alright The Yankees they count all their Pre-depression era during the depression Or whatever that's right when they started When they count all of those

The fucking Celtics count theirs from the 60s the fucking Lakers Count their championships Their first two or three It wasn't even the NBA Those are BBA championships Their first four out of five championships Were one before the 24

Second shot clock even existed When you could win a basketball game Like 17 to 12 They count those So my question For sports fans is this Why don't they Count NFL championships

Why do they only count Super Bowls Because When you just count Super Bowls the Pittsburgh Steelers are The Yankees they're the Canadians They're the Celtics of football But it's bullshit It's fucking bullshit

Because the Green Bay Packers Have won like 12 Or 13 NFL titles and Super Bowls They've won three Super Bowls and like another Eight or nine NFL titles that for some Reason they don't count The Pittsburgh Steelers were in the NFL

When Green Bay Was winning all those titles so they had a Shot at winning them As much as I give the Canadian shit You dominated A six team league Which isn't really true They were going tit for tat with the Maple Leafs until

67 But the Bruins were In that original six So we should have dominated and we didn't So that's why I shut the fuck up When it comes to that conversation So can anybody out there tell me Why don't they count NFL titles Like

I don't get that If you didn't count that in baseball You would have missed out on Babe Ruth Mickey Mantle Joe DiMaggio None of that would count Bill Russell wouldn't count It's fucked up

I think it's bullshit and I think it's I want to go to I love sports history I want to go to an Eagles game and I want to see 1960 NFL champions And I'm not giving Eagles fans shit The Cleveland Browns won it

I don't know 63 or 64 With Jim Brown The Bears won one With Mike Ditka And what's his face there Dick Buckus They won it

The Green Bay Packers won a few then The Colts with Johnny United The ones that they won The greatest game ever fucking played Yankee Stadium, Giants vs. The Colts They don't count any of that shit It's disrespectful To the athletes that played

Those were the best of the best At least white guys For most of those years But seriously There was only one professional league So the talent pool was even greater Then and they don't They don't count it

And I think it's fucking bullshit And I'm hoping That somebody talks about that Considering you have The most successful team Since the Super Bowl era And then you have playing the most Successful team

In NFL history They have won In every era Except for the 70's And 80's I guess they didn't want a championship In the 2000's But they've been competitive

Speaking of which I realize that right now Brett Favre Is getting sued Sort of the shit This is how fucked up the world is right now Brett Favre Is getting sued By the

By two masseuses Because he tried to get Some sort of sexual favors afterwards And they're Suing for that Do you understand that? Let me say that just one more time Brett Favre is getting sued by a masseuse

Two masseuses Is that how you say it? Maseuses Mousses Two masseuses For asking basically To To bang him at the end of it

They're suing him Can you fucking believe that? I just, it's fucking You know what that's like? That's like me suing a comedy club Because I got heckled It comes with the job There is not

Any masseuse Any female masseuse out there That listens to this podcast Are you honestly gonna tell me That you've been rubbing guys' backs And their legs And their chest and all that And no one has ever asked you

For a fucking handjob at the end of it It fucking comes with the territory That's like being a cop And suing the city because you got shot at All right You fucking Put hot oil All over a guy's body

And you rub everything but their dick I mean give me a fucking break Your goddamn cock teases Yeah, people are gonna ask you to rub one out Okay, and if you had a shred of fucking decent So you'd do it, you'd complete the goddamn job All right Because your sign says full body massage

All right Because Last I saw my dick is still part of my body All right You know what masseuses are like They're like the fucking quarterback Who can't get it done Just always comes up a little bit short

They should fucking interview him afterwards What happened in there I just didn't get it done It's like right there all I do is just Reach out and grab it And I just We didn't want it Um

That's just like just that's such a classic Piggyback lawsuit It's like once that first stupid whore Um You know Gave Brett Farve shit This is very interesting that I've noticed about whores Once one comes out of the woodwork

Then all of a sudden 20 come out of the woodwork You know And then they always try to paint it as Well we were too scared, we were scared Fuck you, you were You're trying to make money And you're trying to build on the momentum of the other case That's the female version

Of pulling a train on somebody You know The guy version is you know you and 80 of your friends bang the same girl The female version is You know you're a fucking whore And you're just waiting for a whore To sue a guy that you fucking banged

And then you fucking you draft in Right behind their lawsuit Like one of those fucking fairies That rides in that bike race out there In France That just pissed some people off Actually you realize That the level of cardio

That you need to compete in that sport Is 10 times that of a professional hockey player That's when you know you're watching A sport that no one gives a shit about When you have to really start bringing out like science They did a study The heart rate of The average highlight player

Go fuck yourself Why don't you take that highlight thing And just fucking cup your nuts, your taint And your asshole and carry yourself out of here Why don't you do that Did that make sense? Is that what they do with the highlight sticks? Or is it shaped that way? It's sort of a you know

A user friendly bike seat That you can rock up and down on Hahaha You know what I think it's time to read some questions for this week I'm going to say I've exhausted All improv skills at this point Oh first thing I want to tell you guys

Can you guys do me a huge favor If you're on Facebook There's some douchebag pretending to be Me on Facebook Just don't add the guy He has a Celtics logo I don't know what he's doing He's not doing anything malicious

He's just really weirding me out I don't know what he thinks he's getting I can't get laid off of Facebook Maybe he's got a better typing game than I do But I just don't want that shit to be added To my file down there in Houston There's a lot of question out there About things that happen

Within society This is something that I think a lot of white people need Not because we're more racist Than anybody else The consequences Of us fucking up Is so much harsher than other people Because

We are the gold standard When it comes to racism We are in the driver's seat right now We have been in the driver's seat for a while Basically meaning that if we are ignorant Assholes it has way more Effect than when other people are Back in the day

When other people were running shit That's the thing, whoever's on top If you're thinking ignorant That's why If you're on top and you're thinking ignorant shit You have to be called on it Because Because of the effect that you can have

You know what I mean? Like if somebody from Bangladesh Fucking hates me, that's such a stupid example That's not a race of people I don't even know where Bangladesh is To be honest with you, I don't even know if that's a city Or a country Bangladesh

I've ever seen that on the prices Right? Showcase showdown We're sending you to Bangladesh Some white trash person like myself Says with the confused look on their face Like I don't know where that is Is that where the terrorists are?

I don't want to go there Whatever, like if Filipino people Fucking hate me, that doesn't affect my life I'm not going to go and do a job interview At, you know Walmart is not run by Filipinos You know what I mean? You know, not saying there's anything wrong with Filipinos

See what I have to do with this white person? Not saying I'm saying anything bad about Filipinos Just to be clear here I have never had issues I've never had a problem You gotta go to the Jerry Lewis voice there Lady So yeah, people have questions

So here we go, and I think all races should chime in The questions that you have If you have feelings about a different race of people And you just think you're thinking something funny There's nothing malicious, but is this offensive? Is it racist? This is the new topic, okay? And if you feel that I answer these questions

Like the ignorant white man that I am Call me out on it So here we go This first one, Bill, is it racist To call Indians Dibu Dabuz And I'm talking about the Asian ones

Not Native Americans I'm guessing by dibu dabuz You mean dibu dabu You're saying like that? Dibu dabu Is it racist? Probably But it's fucking funny

So that knocks it down a little bit This is what I feel that makes something like racist It's like Like the reason why That one isn't as offensive Is because we haven't We never enslaved them That's the reason why

White and black shit is so sensitive Is because of the shit that we did to them But we haven't really fucked with those people You know? So If the black version of that was Is it offensive to call black people Hey man, motherfucker

Whatever, yes That would be offensive Did some sort of mocking of the way they spoke Yes, that would be That would be offensive If some CEO was giving a speech And I was driving Actually, I was having someone else drive my town car

And we drove by A group of Yo motherfuckers And they proceeded to walk towards Yeah, you'd have to apologize So I guess technically Dibu dabu That would be offensive

Racist This is what I really It's hard for me to say because It's what's in your heart You know? I make fun of everybody You know? I play a game out here

Let me ask you, I got a question For you, is this racist? I have a game out here when I ride around With Nia and she does not approve of this To keep her in the clear She does not approve of this When somebody makes a moronic move In front of me

You know, driving You know, just makes a fucking horrific move I play a game called Old or Asian And you have to guess Because I'm going to pass the person Because I got to see what they look like You know? Whenever somebody does something

Fucked up, some comedians do a great joke About that, you just want to see what the fuck They look like, right? That's the game, Old or Asian So as I speed up To try to pull parallel to them What do you say, Nia? What are you going with? Old or Asian, what do you got?

She goes, I'm not playing this game, that's mean And then I was going, I'm going to go with old And then I pull up, oh, it's fucking Asian You know, oh, I nailed it It was an old guy So is that racist? I'm sure it's offensive But within the context of my own car

You know? I don't get it, anybody And I got to admit, you know, there's a lot of truth In the fucking game Jesus, I'm going to have to apologize next week On the podcast, so I would say That, uh, uh, Indian people Why don't you chime in?

I would say that, yeah, that they would find that They would find that offensive Um Is it racist? Let me see if I can use it in a sentence here Hey, uh, you know There was a customer service And, uh, you know, one of those

And tried to tell me that his name was Steve And act like he was in Kentucky But I know that he was actually in India Because what he talked to, he was going How could I help you? Is it racist? Probably You know what?

Something bad has to happen between Western culture And, uh, Indians You know what I mean? It's like, uh, it's like You're playing a team and there's no rivalry Like Patriots vs Jets this year Was like, uh, whites and blacks

It was bad It was a lot of hate, you know But like Patriots vs Like the fucking lions You know Yeah, there's going to be some shit talking It's knocked out But it still hurts if somebody says something mean

I don't I really don't know what the fuck I'm talking about Alright, let's move to the next one The next one on the new Controversial topic on the Monday Morning Podcast Is it racist? Alright, here we go

Um, Bill, I had an interesting Experience today, apparently Involving me as a racist I was walking with two of my co-workers Who are both black, oh jeez Here we go We were going to go get some lunch One of my co-workers who I'm most a friend with

Uh Did a little High-five fist bump Shuffle with one of the female Security guards at the front desk Knowing both of them And how they interact with one another I kind of made

A in passing comment To the tune of, man Your handshakes While obviously laughing While obviously laughing At just how choreographed it was And more or less picturing them In a studio or something

Working out the logistics To get the fucking handshake perfect Anyways, we all laughed And moved on And we got our lunch Alright, so nothing wrong yet So you're cool with these people You made a joke

No problem so far Um, however After coming back through security I noticed the security guard Stopped me and kind of had a Scowl on her face I thought she was mad at me for something But it turned out she was mad

At this other lady Who was black Because she overheard my comment And was telling That security guard That she couldn't believe I had to nerve And I should be ashamed Also to the point where she could

Um, almost to the point where she could Actually complain to the human resource People because she was offended Um, etc. Without even considering that maybe Just maybe I was talking about The security guard and my co-worker And not all black people

Now, it being corporate America And all, I'm sure Rather than even face the possibility Of any bad press Rather just sweep me out the door And completely ruin any reputation That I may or may not hold at the company Just to save their own asses

I feel I did nothing wrong And had no intentions of ever Doing anything wrong I'm not going to go on and on About how I kiss black babies And try to rehabilitate inner city schools Because I don't, but I'm certainly not Some corn fed rebel flag

Waving ignorant product Of what might be incest I guess my question is, do we really have to Walk on eggshells when we are just Making casual conversation That just any That just any cunt Can pick apart, select the context

That they might think it is in And then start crying foul Basically, I would have liked to call that Woman a cunt and told her to go fuck herself But let's just say I was already Kind of worried about my job Alright See

Yeah, I think this is The classic one Where you were fucking around The other two people knew you were Fucking around, but then one person Decides to get offended And then you have to go on TV and apologize Which personally, I think is the wrong move

Because when you apologize Now it's like You're admitting that you meant it in a bad way I mean, the apology I would do They would say, look, I'm sorry That you didn't understand that I was joking But I'm not going to say to her and apologize Like I have any

Sort of ill will come in Your way, you know But just to avoid the problem In the future White people do not Use the expression You guys or you people When talking

About black people You're setting yourself up For someone To get offended There's a weird sort of Push-pull going on With that whole You guys and you people thing

Where When somebody white Says that There becomes this concern That you're separating You're separating Like, you know, you people over there With how you live your lives

And we're over here Black people have that weird relationship With people where they're like, you know Can you stop stealing our fucking music In our culture But then like if something, you know Hey, let's pave the streets Well, make sure you do it in our neighborhood

We're all in this together, right All of us together You know what I mean? So it's that weird sort of fucking push-pull thing Going on, so yeah Just avoid Avoid the whole fucking Yeah, you fucked up

You didn't fuck up, but You left yourself open For a sucker punch by saying, you guys You know That's, I guess that that's what it is I don't know, that's my I'm basically a white guy Telling a white guy how he fucked up

So black people, if you're listening to this thing Please, please help me out here Did I basically get it right? Is that essentially it? And I know most people wouldn't get offended But that's one of those things Like that girl getting offended and then you got to worry That you're going to lose your job

It's like those fucking piggyback whores Who massage guys for a living You know some of those masseuses They'll actually come to your house And give you a full body rub down With oil Okay, and then have the fucking nerve To get upset

That you try to get a handjob at the end of it You know Give me a fucking break Why don't you fucking masseuse broads Man the fuck up And start rubbing one out Is it that goddamn hard? No pun intended

Is it that fucking difficult To just fucking You know It's like you're revving a motorcycle That's it That's all you got to do Up and down, up and down with that fucking Oil you in and out

You want that house on the hill sweetheart There's a price to pay All right And when a quarterback who owns every fucking record Good and bad in the goddamn universe Asked you to rub one out God damn it, you fucking rub one out Well maybe you don't blog in this business sister

That's right, stare at your fucking manicured toes Pedicured Whatever the fuck you're supposed to say Jesus Christ, mean spirited All right, so there you go, that's the new topic Is it racist I would love to hear Some honest comments from

Non-white people about Their thoughts You know The fucked up ones too Okay Because I've watched enough Spike Lee movies to think that evidently it's just us But I've hung around enough people From different races to realize

Oh yeah, everybody's like this Everybody has Their little fucked up thoughts You guys ever see that Broadway play, they got that song Everyone's a little bit racist What is that, the alphabet city one Whatever the fuck it's called I actually enjoyed that, I actually went to a Broadway musical

And there was puppets in it And I had a great time, how about that What does that say about me All right, let's get on with advice Advice for this week, all right, advice Bill, let me set this one up for you Because it gets a little complicated over there I went to a New Year's Eve party

With my best friend of 13 years Oh Jesus, oh by the way He uses so many fucking names I'm just gonna use the names All right, I know I don't name names But fuck this guy, there's like 15 fucking names And then he goes back to the first name Back to the 7th name, so fuck it, I'm naming names

All right, so here we go I'm suspending that rule Much like they suspended the salary cap In NFL football this year Same way, all right Bill, I went to a New Year's Eve party With my best friend of 13 years Mock

I got really drunk And hooked up with my friend John's ex-girlfriend Anna John and Anna had dated for two years John broke up with Anna Back in September Rather harshly and immediately started banging other girls

Anna and I also worked together Oh Jesus And we've become good friends Here we go, so hooking up seemed inevitable Our friends have even joked about it Hey, have you guys like Fucked each other yet? You guys want to get wings?

Anyway I've been dating this girl Sarah since October We never got too serious And we kind of agreed to take a break When she left to go to London for spring semester Mock's girlfriend Who happened to be a cunt

Is best friends with Sarah All right, are you like me Are you already lost? Are there too many fucking names here? Mark and I got really drunk No I went to a New Year's Eve party with my best friend Mark I got really drunk

And hooked up with, okay, Mark's his friend John has the ex-girlfriend This is like a fucking mini-series I had to show you clips from last week So anyways He's dating some cunt named Sarah They agreed to take a break And the girl you're taking a break with

Is best friends With your friend's girlfriend Mark, okay, I got it All right, I'm up to speed here So at this party, Ann and I This is John's ex Ann and I get pretty drunk and start making out None of our friends were there

Except for Mock Mock saw it And got upset You fucking pussy And just had to leave Oh my god, really? Like some 15 year old girl Exactly

Ann and I went to her place And proceeded to do some stuff We didn't bang that night, but oral sex And whatnot was traded And we passed out We both agreed that nobody needed to know What happened I went to Mock's house later

New Year's Day And said nothing happened with Ann And I, Ann and I And by the way, we just made out It's nice enough for him to know not to tell anyone Especially his fucking girlfriend Neither of us brought it up For the next four days

And it seemed like everything was fine A couple of days passed Out of nowhere, Mock Asked me if I was going to tell John That Ann and I made out I was sort of taken aback As you should have been Sort of taken aback

By the question But I told him I hadn't planned on it He said he wouldn't tell John if I didn't Because he didn't want to be a bad friend Alright, good man I told him that it wasn't a big deal That we just made out And he was being a huge bitch

That was a bad move on your part Even though he was being a huge bitch You shouldn't have said that He's acting like a fucking chick right here And hell has no fury like a woman scorned And you just scorned that fucking bitch man Right there So you can guess where the fuck this is going

And then asked him If he told his girlfriend about it And of course he said yes When I asked him why the fuck he did that He said because I needed to know if I should tell John Jesus Christ

I proceeded to call him a bitch Good man, and let him know How much of a bitch Move it was to tell his girlfriend Especially since he acted like everything was fine For four days This guy is beyond a pussy This is the kind of guy who like

Does he like bake brownies See one of those guys Who like doesn't mind going shopping With his fucking girlfriend That's funny that I just said that I'll bake brownies in a fucking second Such a fucking hypocrite Nobody needed to know about what happened

And now he told his girlfriend Sarah This isn't my fault Nobody needed to know about what happened And now he told his girlfriend Sarah Would definitely find out I knew Sarah wouldn't care about me Drunkly hooking up with Anna But it's still something she didn't need to know

Oh Sarah's the fucking Twan who went to Europe Somehow I was able to leave Mark's house Without beating the shit out of him I called John who was spending winter break In El Paso and told him what happened He said he didn't really give a shit And agreed it was fucked up for Mark To say anything to anyone

Anything to anyone especially his girlfriend When I told Mark He could have asked anyone else About whether or not his bitch ass should tell John what happened He said he asked his girlfriend so he could get A serious opinion As if being told to keep your fucking mouth shut

You little girl from either one of your Either one of our 10 or so close Guyfriends wouldn't have been A serious enough opinion Anyways I just needed your validation Of how much of a bitch Mark was about the whole thing So Anna and I decided to start sneaking around And are banging each other

No harm no foul Feel free to Add on to the story of me when you're reading any podcasts Yeah dude yeah that's That guy right there That guy you need to cut out of the loop Okay that is That's it

You forfeited your fucking Guy card It's over you can't be trusted You think like a woman Which is fine There's nothing wrong with thinking like a woman But just go hang out with a bunch of women now What a fucking

Ugh Dude the amount of shit That has gone down That I have fucking I have so buried in me that I don't even remember it The amount of fucking shit Is ridiculous And I don't even bring it up

When it's me and just the other dude Who did the dirty shit I'll fucking bury it in a second I know exactly how to do it When I meet your fucking wife Or your girlfriend I'll fucking look you right in the eye Hey sweetie how are you

You look great You've been going to the gym That's fantastic I'll tell you your guy is such a sweetheart God damn it the other day there was a cat stuck in the tree He didn't even wait for a ladder He just started climbing up there What a swell guy

Even if it's a dick Even if it's a fucking dick What I'll then do is I'll just avoid his girlfriend But I'm not fucking bringing it up Dude that guy really needs to go get his fucking tubes tied What a fag Alright YouTube

YouTube videos of the week YouTube Alright this one is Fucking absolutely insane And if this was made by white people This would actually be considered racist On some level But it was actually made

I don't know if it's Japanese, Chinese, people whatever The name of the video is How to Poop And it is an animated cartoon Teaching children How to go poopy In the toilet And it is fucking Insane

It's fucking insane It's great It's awesome In your life that is just weighing on you And it's sucking the energy out of you And you just need to clear every thought from your brain Please watch How to Poop Just go to themmpodcast.com

We got all these videos That's the official fan site of the Monday Morning Podcast Just Please go and watch this thing It's fucking awesome We got really good I got three really good YouTube videos this week The next one is

The Federal Reserve music video That you have to see It's uh... He's doing basically a song parody of the police's Song Every Breath You Take It's fucking great The guy actually has a really good voice This is fucking funny as hell

Another great one And then the last one Is It's just a highlight video Of Jim Brown And there's so many fans that say In today's NFL Just look at this

Highlight reel, the balance and the power That this guy has Is It's un-fucking- He's like running Sideways half the time Or running backwards just plowing over people The combination of balance And power is like

It's foreshadowing To Earl Campbell. Earl Campbell is the only guy I've seen with runs like this And Some things Jim Brown couldn't play now You're 100% wrong And I know what you're gonna do You're gonna look at how tall he was

And how much he weighed and say he would get crushed In today's NFL That's the wrong way to look at it If you took Jim Brown and you put him in the modern era What you have to do is also give him All the modern Nutrition All the modern sports science

And all of that. So he would look Like today's NFL football With his skills Is God giving strength and balance And he would fucking tear up the goddamn league Go fuck yourself I don't want to hear another argument I'm sick of people bringing up fucking guys

From nowadays Where they're taking fucking horse tranquilizers And you tell them he would have dominated In 1950 I would have dominated in 1950 Somebody 50 years from now Could dominate the NFL right fucking now It's called advancement

Jesus fucking Christ Morons All right, overrated underrated for this week Overrated Every minority And woman in commercials playing The straight man to the dumb white guy I'm not racist or misogynistic

In the least bit But enough is enough Dude, that's fucking hilarious And that's another thing That's not Minorities are women's fault That's because of all the fucked up shit white people have done And we don't want to get sued

That's why they're doing it Not because they're trying to be sensitive To other sexes or other races They just make the white guy be the stooge At all these fucking commercials Because they don't want to get sued But yeah, it's starting to get annoying There's always like the black guy shaking his head

Is the fucking white guy slamming himself In the face with like a fucking rake That's not the way you do it That was actually A man-woman one Remember that one where the woman sit there at the computer And their husband is outside Fucking

There's a beehive And he's taking like a broom handle And he's shoving it up the fucking beehive And then he gets stung And she's sitting there rolling her eyes like My husband, he's a fucking retard And they do that Between men and women and race

And the fucking The white dude always has to be the moron But I mean, you know, it is what it is But you know, you should be happy White person who wrote that That they have that That's the way they balance it out You know, you're still winning

So quit your fucking crying Alright, also Overrated in real life And not what I see on TV Is the female carpenter Or construction worker I get that you've got to make up And try harder

For all the bullshit you deal with For fuck's sake crack a smile For once in your life I really don't know what he's bitching about there Female construction workers don't smile enough Alright, underrated The PJs Eddie Murphy was brilliant And the claymation was the shit

Back in the day Why the fuck that show isn't on DVD Is a crime To all comedy One of the few shows that is actually better That shows caption on Number two, real musicians Anybody remember these

People that naturally play Actually play their instruments And none of that fucking auto tuner Sampling machine and turntables All of those are not fucking instruments Well, I mean, you know I've actually come to a place where I can I can understand the brilliance

Of being able to take pieces of The Beastie Boys did it on Paul's Boutique Where you took like 10 or 12 different samples Looped them together And created a new song I mean, there is That is a talent

You know, turntables, that's just I don't get that shit, that's just I don't understand that I'm too fucking old to get that And I don't get mashups I've bitched about that before Mashups are Emperor's new clothes of music

Okay All you have to do is pick two songs That are the same tempo Okay, same beats per minute Then the lyrics will fit On that other one Then all you have to do is just one That where the lyrics fit the mood

Of the new music you're putting it over That's not that fucking difficult If you got sad sort of music Pick another sad fucking song You just stick that music under those sad lyrics As long as The tempo is the same Yeah, it's gonna work out

Dude, he took jingle bells And blended it with Santa Claus He's coming to town What else do we got? Road trips with your fucking Buddies never gets old That's absolutely true That's why The Hangover was such a great fucking movie

Real lemonade Coconut Pepsi packaged garbage But real shit with fucking Pulp and flavor I like this guy, this guy's into old shit A pen and paper Not this fucking laptop Horseshit

I don't remember my laptop ever crashing I've actually said that That's it, that's the podcast for this week everybody I hope you had a great week And once again I'm looking forward to the Steelers Green Bay Championships and do me a favor

Bring up all Green Bay's NFL titles I would really like to try to start An underground debate about that Because I want them to start counting NFL titles And I want to see NFL franchises Fly those NFL championship flags You want it You know, I think the AFL one

Should fly those flags It's part of the history If you're a fucking Nerd like me, I like that type of shit I'm actually reading a book right now called By Richard Bailey Somebody gave me this book And

It's actually about the Bucky Dent Red Sox That one One day playoff game and you know That's the great thing about the Red Sox Finally winning a World Series and then winning another one I can actually sit back and read this book And it is It's a fucking

Great read It's a great read, I recommend it That's it, that's the podcast for this week I'm at the Improv and Addison Addison, Texas this week And What else do I got coming up? Let's go on my website

Hang on one second, come on guys Hang in there, don't shut it off just yet Don't shut it off just yet Alright Then I'm going to be at the Count Basie Theatre In Redback, New Jersey On February 18th And I'm going to be at the new

Jesus Christ Oh Jesus Christ I'm going to be at the Terry Town Music Hall On the 17th of February Miami Beach, we have a new theater They had me booked in another one But they had already booked another act there So they had to switch it up

I'm actually going to be at the New World Symphony Theatre On 17th Street Miami Beach, Florida On the 4th of March The Tower Theatre In Philadelphia, look at that I got a bunch of new dates on the website In Philadelphia

On April 9th And This is the last one here I'm going to be at the Pap's Jesus Christ, the link didn't work I was having such a great podcast too On April 22nd I'm going to be at the Pap's Theatre

In Milwaukee, Wisconsin And right off the bat I just want to tell you, I'm blown away about how many tickets sold the first day Milwaukee was one of those cities Where I was like, you know, I don't know I don't know I don't know if I'm going to sell tickets there You know

It's not like New York It's not Chicago It's not LA So it's not one of those kinds of cities But it doesn't strike me as a get-or-done Kind of city either It's one of those middle ground ones So I don't know where the fuck I'm going to fit in it

So I want to thank everybody in Wisconsin Who went out and bought tickets Especially Oh, you know what? Somebody sent me a fucking email If I can just From Escanava, Michigan Saying they were coming all the way down Because they remembered back in the day

I played a college up there In the upper peninsula of Michigan And they said I went up in front of 17 people In a cafeteria And evidently I killed So the fact that I actually put on a show In front of 17 people

See all that? Those fucking shows matter Years later They'll actually show up If you give them hell In front of 11 people Doing a nooner in the upper peninsula of Michigan I actually fucking remember that gig

I did a couple of gigs up there That's an amazing group of people Who live up there I like how they embrace winter They really have no choice But they actually get real fucking snowstorms You know, when you come out Or you know, when you get buried

By like nine feet of fucking snow You're walking down the street On your snowshoes and you're stepping over Like frozen elk, right? You know, and they just They embrace it As opposed to all the pussies down here Every time there's four inches of fucking snow

Every goddamn fatty is running down To the fucking supermarket Like they're gonna starve to death I just want one news guy During all that insanity It's six to eight inches It's like, do you realize Six to eight inches of snow

That would barely reach the average Person up to their calf And considering You can last about 35 days Without food as long as you have Water, okay? And snow is water Stick it in your mouth, see what happens

You're gonna be fucking fine Alright? So sit tight Alright there, sport That's what I want them to say I want them to just Fucking sit there and watch the weatherman Losing his fucking mind All excited that he's the focus

This week on the goddamn fucking newscast Right? Well that night on the newscast And then when they go back to the anchor Who's fucking the co-anchor Cuz he's the goddamn alpha male I want him to dress down that fucking The goddamn Weatherman

Four inches of snow Jesus Christ I could stick my dick in that You could still see the shaft The fuck are you talking about Go fuck yourself Alright that's it, that's the podcast for this week You guys have a great weekend, yeah

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