Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 1-26-23

Episode Date: January 27, 2023

Bill rambles with Mike Donovan about his early days in Boston, history books, and Lenny Bruce.  Mike's new book 'The Stand-Up Comedy Book: A Collection of Thoughts, Stories, Biographies, Jokes and Journals of Stand-up' is available on Amazon and where books are sold. Thursday Afternoon Podcast: start - (45:59) Thursday Throwback:  (46:33) - (01:49:47) (1-26-23) Bill rambles about the Patriots loss, the Bonzo Bash, and the world's poop. Anything Better NFL Preview: (01:50:03) - end Thursday Interlude: Kenyon Hopkins - Minnesota Fats

all right all right hey what's going on it's bill burr and it's time for the thursday afternoon just before friday monday morning podcast and you know if if it's being filmed that means that i have a very special guest because as some of you weren't who are new to the podcast i usually just talk to myself in my little man cave there but every once in a while somebody comes to town that i have to sit down and talk with and this is no this is not an exception the one and only mike donovan is here he has a new stand-up book called the stand-up comedy book a collection of thoughts stories biographies jokes and journals

of stand-up mike donovan one of the legends of the boston comedy scene i when i started out welcome to the podcast first of all um when i started out you were one of the guys that i used to watch and i would sit in the back of the club and just watch you get on these roles and just absolutely like level the room and you would be killing so hard that i forgot that i wanted to be a comedian that or that was trying to be a comedian i literally you you one of those guys that was so funny that you became like an audience member and i remember sitting

in the back of the club thinking how do you get that funny so do you think because this is what people have always asked me why there's so many funny guys coming out of boston like i always said the guys that started set the bar so high and there was a standard to be original and no stealing jokes and none of that shit yeah hear you that's right yeah or you got you got punched in the nose and i just remember watching all of you guys how hard you killed that i didn't think that it was out of the ordinary

like when i would watch you guys killing like my idea of what killing is is because of guys like you lenny noxy rest his soul tony v all of those guys gavin sweeney and all of them and i remember when i moved to new york oh god this is going to start some shit but i moved to new york and i saw people coming off stage going like ah dude i killed i fucking slayed and i would be like i mean you had a good set yeah some of these people that say i killed i say you should be killed yeah

what was i know what killing is and right you that wasn't killing it i gotta stand i killed last night i i i've known you 20 years i've never seen you kill apparently it's only when i never see you that you kill yeah why why what was it that made all of you guys just i don't know what it was like from the beginning it seemed like dj hazard frank senatorally all of you guys were just murderers fucking murdered and there wasn't there wasn't any kenny rogerson i'm trying to think of anybody you don't

got a name and name in there that would kind of just you know hit a single to right and wait for somebody everybody was just kind of swinging for the fences yeah they're northeast it's cold and i don't mean the welly you know if you stumble on the sidewalk it doesn't matter who's walking by it could be a 90 year old nun right people laugh at you it's a mean thing you think a little bit yeah yeah i don't i i don't know i i something that uh i'm i'm very thankful that i started out and uh

i got to see you guys do anything so how did you i never even i remember when i used to open for you you were real quiet so i get really intimidated and you'd say hey listen pal keep it to like three or five fucks no no more let me tell you that story it's how that worked i love that it wasn't three or four be like three to five fucks right right well first michelle palito at the cowloon told me one night watch this new guy because she trusts me i'll always be honest with her what do you think of this new good just let me know what you

think of this new guy bill burr and i watched you at the cowloon i was watching and you did this one bit that really got to me in a good way it was about clouds you were saying who is the first pilot that saw a cloud and said let's fly through this and we had the ball to go through and the other guy saying no no no it's gonna destroy the plane i thought that is brilliant you know that is just brilliant and that won me over and so then the next a lot of people used to call me up and say hey uh can you recommend me to some

bookers and say well you know it should be something that i decide to do it shouldn't be something you're leaning on me to do so so i called without you know did you have a problem saying that to people yes i wouldn't say it i'd sort of lie to yeah i'll see what i can do i'll get right on that yeah i'll get right on that you know because if you're asking me chances are obviously the answer is no otherwise i would have done it by now i know and louis ck was another guy he didn't ask me i saw him and i said i like this

kid and i i called a couple of bookers and i got him into a couple of clubs he might not remember it you might not remember it but i called uh pretty poly uh denise courage that was one of the big phone calls i ever got i remember when they called me pretty poly used to book college gigs and they were like hey bill this is so-and-so from pretty poly mike donovan gave you a shout out and they go do you know who we are i say yeah i know you are i go you guys you guys yeah we and it happened fast a week later she's going just so happens i got something coming up at

dartmouth so we took the ride to dartmouth it was three and a half hours it's a lot longer than we're going to be here on this podcast it's three and three fifteen each way and we got there and it was uh three degrees and windy it was one of the coldest nights ever we had to park four blocks away but you know you did a great job and it was all uphill but let me just tell you one thing i was i was watching one of your specials last night you were talking about how you were checking out the new music because you figured well

i'm going to play this club so i'm something i'm going to do bill burr's podcast should i watch his specials because i'm i live under a rock i'm a bookworm i'm writing history books all the time that is my life is history books right and writing them and try and self publishing them and i didn't know i knew that you would become big but i didn't know what you would become and i'm thinking to myself what if i don't like what i see what if i watch this special and he's some nasty prick

some right wing asshole or some left wing asshole or maybe he's mean spirited or maybe he's become hacky i don't know i don't know i know that i like so you think politically i'm in the middle yes thank god because that's what i try to do because i don't want to i don't know i i don't have the answers i don't want to piss anybody else so i sort of trash both sides i gotta be honest with liberals are more fun to trash because they're not used to it we're conservatives are like eh fuck you you guys always shit on the you know when you came into nix i i had the night before

you came into nix i didn't know you were coming to town and uh i had a dream that you were in my kitchen talking to me and he handed me your address i was and it was a long time i thought that is bizarre i haven't really thought about bill that much lately i know he's big i haven't talked to him in ages and then the next day i get a phone call from nix and do you mind if bill burr comes in and does a guest set and without hesitating i said yeah i think i do mind he's going to destroy the place and then they're going to boom me off the fucking stage

and then and then i said uh and then ryan said ryan cot said don't worry about it it's going to be fine it's all right i just it was just an initial reaction right and then you came in and i watched your set you didn't hurt my set at all because you know i couldn't you're mike donovan well you're you're a mom i was also nervous dude i went right back this was last summer when i was getting i was getting ready to do the that gig that i hadn't in boston so i wanted to do a little set to to warm up and i i i went right back to be a little billy burr opening for you and like drake it do you know i was

serious away dude you got like you know you got that face dude where you're just sitting there you like that poker face like i don't know what you're thinking and i'm just going like keep it to three or five fucks don't piss off don't piss off mike donovan mike clark won't get me a giggles anymore i went right back to that and i gotta tell you when i got off stage and you said man really funny stuff like i can't even tell you what a lift that gave me because i hold all of you guys way you should be like the like you guys built the scene that gave me a career

so when i was watching you and i was watching you really have a wonderful rhythm and i was watching that uh but i was noticing uh that you were even handed and that's a lennie bruce quality and before we finish the show i want to do a lennie bruce impression if we can okay uh but i was wanting you were even handed and there isn't a lot of that out there there is there's a lot of people that don't do any political leanings they're just hacks or whatever or they just do their thing and it and it doesn't touch on politics but you can name a hundred right wing redneck comedians and a hundred left wing liberal comedians i'd say a thousand left

but they don't they don't have a a moderate bone in their body and they never know how to say well i changed my mind on that i'm back and forth on that or i'm not sure about that or i don't know enough about that or i used to feel this way and now i feel this way and call me tomorrow i might feel differently about it right and i used to be on wbz radio as a as a guest for several years before the pandemic hit and one of the things that my co-host really liked what i said was never let your opinion become your identity because then you have a vested interest in not backtracking and not changing your mind because now my ego's on the line because i asserted myself on this issue and now my opinion has become my identity and i work very hard to

always be ready to change my mind in a heartbeat on anything but anyway i was noticing it it was wonderful to see uh anybody that was even handed it's so rare that to me that's one of your outstanding qualities and i think it's uh it's not my good looks of course it is no i i really appreciate that because um i think that like i i don't know i don't know shit right but when i see people like just like in entertainment tweeting their political opinions it's just like why would you do that like nobody gives a fuck nobody exactly you know what dude just the way you said nobody was beautiful it's nobody you're yelling at nobody and there's a couple of morons that will yell back at you like last night we went out to dinner my wife and i with a couple uh great friends of ours and at one point

i showed this this thing that somebody had posted about how the politicians and the senate and the house representatives all crushed it last year in the uh in the stock market you know and everybody else like took a bath but somehow they knew exactly what it you know and he looked at it and he goes is this true and i was like you know i don't know somebody just put it on the internet and he goes because you know i don't know if that's true and i started to argue with him then i just stopped i go like why don't i just just fucking agree with you that maybe it's not true because i'm not gonna change yours and let's just enjoy dinner and we both just started laughing because at the end of the day like if you get sucked into that thing we're like i think this way and you don't and i'm gonna

convince you to think the way i think like what the fuck do i know so but back to that point is that the person talking like you're describing is never going to backtrack and say you know i've changed my mind about that my friend actually laughed and goes yeah you're right like he's he's nobody says you know well tomorrow i might think differently about everybody once you once you establish this i'm a conservative or i'm a liberal i write history books that's what i'm i'm self publishing i'm what part of history is is fascinates you that you that you're right well the world war two i've always been interested when i was 12 years old i wasn't a very good student but when it came to anything to do with world war two this teacher would stand next to me to make sure that no one

could steal my answers i couldn't slip the answer i knew i was an expert on world war two and i was 12 but then i forced myself to you got an a in history and f's and everything else pretty much close enough but i have i have a great trilogy i've written called who's who in world war two who's who in the civil war and who's who in russian history right now i'm on a binge on russian history i'm a wizard on russian history i'm available to be a teacher if anybody wanted to hire me that's amazing people say why don't you teach well it's not that simple you don't just walk out the door say anybody want to hire me to be you know what's funny i actually wanted to do that like one summer i wanted to go back and went to emerson college and i was like i would love to

just teach a course because they have like a comedy or performance course out there and i was like i would love to teach a course on like stand-up comedy and just hang out in boston which i love eat the food i love put on 40 pounds and then go down there and help out you know these this next generation of comedians and then i found wow you gotta get certified you gotta do this right it's not that simple yeah it's a long if somebody heard this podcast and say this guy i checked him out online i heard him he sounds like somebody we could i i mean i'm available but i'm also available to just live the rest of my life as i'm doing it i'm not worrying about that but my history books you wouldn't know i wrote a jfk a history i wrote a history of every presidency not every

president every presidency i might be the only difference between every president of every presidency because the uh a president's a presidency is a history of the united states in that president's time my books are called like the usa and the time of jfk so it's not really about jfk but it's divided by presidencies and when if you're in college or high school and you're reading books about american history it's always these large blended chapters that roll into each other you know economics and the pre-civil war era and you know education but but to have it nice and organized uh one book at a time but anyway the point is a friend of mine was uh he's a successful writer jackolson he wrote a bunch of uh true crime books but anyway he's uh was looking at my stuff

and he sent it to one of his friends and he asked his friend does this guy swing from the left or the right because the guy read the whole book and the guy said you know that's an interesting question i mean right there i'm in i'm in gold because he doesn't know he doesn't know that's perfect and he thought about he says i think he swings from the left but just the way that what i just said went down that says it all yeah i've written uh i got some ebooks i've published about uh i call it the heritage of american slavery and it's a history of uh mostly it's stories and incidents that have to do with slavery in american history and you get tumbleweeds when you mention it on social media because everyone's a friend believe it or not this might be hard to believe it doesn't

have any left-wing stink on it and it doesn't have any right-wing patriotic stink on it either it's just stories it's old-fashioned history i'm an old-fashioned guy i'm a bookworm i'm up all night reading old-fashioned books and i'm creating these history books and this is my life this is this is why i'm only a household name in the boston area until i got here this is the biggest thing that ever happened for me and that's not a backhanded compliment because you're a special person i appreciate that and i remember one time just if you want to know about this guy i remember when i was i was talking to you way back in the day about some hell gig i did out in lee massachusetts and somebody threw a fucking dinner roll at me and i'll pissed i was when i left just humiliated

and you look to me he goes you know what i do when i have a gig like that he go i take the money and i go out from the money from that gig i go out and buy myself something nice it was back then he goes you go i had a gig like that i went out and i bought a fucking vcr and every time i pop a tape in i think fuck you to that crowd i gotta and i was just sitting there like i was like that is such like a great way to try to get something um there was always that story and then the don gavin the classic one where he drove all the way up to western massachusetts to play a fair and he showed up and he's like yeah hey i'm the comedian away am i performing and they go ah we figured you'd just stand right over here get up on that picnic table he goes you're gonna

set up any chairs they go no we just figured you'd start doing your act and people would assemble and he goes is there a microphone they said no he goes okay great he goes you know i got my props in the car i'm gonna go get it it's not a prop comic and he just got his car and drove home and i remember thinking like i didn't know you could do that right like i would have been like well i i don't want to piss off the people at the fair and i would have stood there and humiliated myself so that was another thing that i liked about you guys was the self-esteem that if it was a bullshit gig or something happened you guys all had your little thing like you know don would leave you're like i'll fucking do the gig but i'm getting a vcr out of this right i always just thought that

was so cool one of my favorite things in the book that i mentioned is a a slogan i have called don't and this is going out to aspiring comedians don't forget your shield your shield is your act if you're in a situation it's noisy there's music coming in from the next room the mic is shorting out the the manager is being a grouch and you're like this sucks right how am i gonna get through this don't forget your shield you're not just going up there as yourself you have an act just do your act and that's your best strategy to get through this difficult situation that's how did you get the nerve to do stand up being like you remind me a little bit of myself or believe it or not as much as i run my yep i am introverted especially back then right i was

pretty walled off and everything like that easy answer okay i love doing impressions and that's what i started out as and so i'm so uh thrilled to get up on stage and do the impressions that the nervousness doesn't even enter into it can i do my best impression what is tony soprano get the fuck out of here up your ass up your ass all the conversation i get around here miles be a fucking dildo you know what you got that let this is the fucked up for me even to think about and i was walking on the on the walk of fame and i stepped on charlton heston star and he went get your stinking shoes off me you damn dirty tourist oh one more where did you start uh i started out in corning new york i was a disc jockey i was a top 40 disc jockey i didn't know that oh

yeah wkte 98.5 fm hemmonsport bass i started off in radio college radio oh yeah i was uh you're listening to 88.9 we know 88 yeah 88.9 er s boston a broadcast service of emerson college and before that i was on 640 am wecb which only went to the dorms and i had the two to six a shift that was nobody listening and i said anybody has any requests like they were listening to me and i remember at one point i was almost done with my shift and i was like i was just exasperated and i finally just said you know just call in just tell me you hate me i don't care just something and i think lit up and i picked it up and this guy goes i hate you yeah i got a couple of then i hung up and i sat there like thinking the whole world was listening and he was actually

the boyfriend of the girl that had the 6 a.m shift so they would just listen to hear if i was still on the radio yeah do you shake requests yes i do we please leave town yeah i got all of that i used to why am i i used to host the jazz oasis ice on on wers and those fucking jazz fans were the worst that you'd ask for requests they wouldn't request anything and then i would play something and then some old duber call it man this isn't jazz who the fuck this is like well give me a request i shouldn't have to and then they would hang up on me and i would be sitting there like it was charles mingus i thought i couldn't go wrong with that but i i picked one of those um those late 60s early 70s where they completely just were playing like freeform and yeah i like

that stuff it was do you have that gets too crazy let's let's talk about your book though that i cannot wait to read because i already was going through this and there's san aureli frank san aureli mark scalia yeah you guys all i start out kenny rogerson you guys should know these names by the way and then you even had just chris rock you have all of these stories um i actually saw bill downs yeah billy down billy down shout out to billy downs gave me a lot of my uh first gigs dick darty rest his soul um it's a fun read it's not comprehensive it does it's not a history of stand-up comedy it's not how to do stand-up comedy it's not entirely a biography it's not entirely about the boston state it's all over the road and there's a lot of a i i have stacks of

index cards that's partly how i maintained a level of quality in my act is is always listen every ten every show i ever did i listen to you did every show i ever did not in the last 10 years but up while i was you know coming up every show i listen to and i'd stop and take notes and write them down on index cards you know and some in the book there's a lot of my index cards where i i go word for word on the end and then i translate it because sometimes it's like it's in shorthand yeah and so it's like notes from uh shows like for example uh i i'll have a i'll find an index card 98 on 89 that means it's 1998 and i'm listening to a show from 1989 and i'm making notes and i'm going you didn't have to snap at that crowd you didn't have to snap at that

heckler he meant well the hell's wrong with you this is this is a you talk to yourself like you're somebody else like you didn't have to do that that's hilarious oh yeah sure yeah wait so in 1998 you went back and listened to i had piles of tapes and you i always gained things from old shows like hey that's a a breadcrumb that fell off the table oh yeah yeah and also if if you have a joke that you did in 1989 and you're listening to it now on a on a very old tape you go if i brought that joke back now word for word didn't change a thing i would do it three times better because of my experience i would pay to listen to tapes of stand-up like real stand-up not the shit that i saw on tv where everyone's doing there you know the tv set just to hear you know

just is a fan of stand-up like how many hours you must have like oh it's endless and the and laughs are beautiful and lennie bruce said this about you you can't fake a laugh lennie bruce said if you tried to fake a laugh they'd lock you up into a lunar tick asylum or people notice and you notice when it's a fake laugh but i thought about that and i said ever since then this is i went on a lennie bruce binge in the mid eighties i was going to the library before the internet i'm printing out stuff from the new york times and ever since that day i've been watching actors and i've never seen an actor recreate a real laugh never not even every time i watch a movie or a tv show and an actor has to laugh i'm like this is painful it's

so fake it's a laugh has a perfect rhythm like the pistons of an engine and whenever an actor is doing it it's not even it's not even it's the toughest thing actor once told me you know anger is the easiest thing to do in the world as an actor oh that's my anger is not exactly not exactly but all right let me swing around to another point i was starting on earlier i was not can we talk about the laughs though i'll tell you a laugh that's a legit laugh yeah that i feel like the actor was improv and so the other guy was laughing was it was harvey kytel and rest his soul one of my favorite actors chris penn um and they were sitting in the car and he was telling this story uh about you know some mexican guy blah blah blah blah and you could tell he was

improv and and everyone in the car was bishemmy you could see they were really laughing and what i loved about chris penn he's just you could just see like this guy knows how to tell a story like he's just like you know like an oak tree like rooted in the ground and you're just like drawn in there's been a couple of those another harvey kytel one is if you watch um uh thelma and louise um i always forget the guy's name the guy who plays daryl in that uh when he's like what wait what like harvey kytel is just laughing like he can't control himself right if the person has a quirky laugh that comes out easily yeah they can do it in a movie but it's but i know i know what you're saying okay now he he says something and they also they always laugh too soon drives me

out of my mind you haven't even heard the entire punchline but you know as an actor you you're supposed to laugh and they laugh before that might be the editor though it might not be the comedian because they condense it because i'll tell you what blow what no but i mean in real time i see it all the time oh they won't they just laugh too soon but let me finish i was worried about not liking you because no seriously but i knew i dug you initially you know but i didn't know what you would become see i live under a rock i'm always i'm reading history books all day i live under a rock too believe it or not but i don't know who's famous uh i most of the comedians today i don't know who they are actors most of uh but as far as comedians go amongst all the greats there's

only 25 percent of them that i like you know most of them i don't like it seems most of the comedians love all the other comedians and i don't i i'm easily pissed off by stuff that i think is hacky or vicious or mean uh there's an intangible to uh there's like a spirituality to a person's act is this person just trying to be funny is it mean spirited and everyone's talking about you saying ah yeah he's angry he's angry he's got this fuck you attitude he runs you a little bit of humor he's got this fuck you had so i wasn't sure what i was going to find and right and so i watched you and i was i was moved because you are not just angry you're nice you you are everybody's friend there's something intangible about you where you're mean and nasty but you're also kind and and you're

reaching out i'm more defensive than ang but people just you know there's something really nice about you i appreciate that i'm not going to take in compliments but i just stand up it's very rare to be edgy and nice at the same time i'm not sure i've ever pulled that off i'm a little edgy i'm not sure well i will tell you that i don't want anybody leaving not having a good time sometimes if you just bring up a topic like there's no way to please people like i did this thing for netflix uh yeah friends who kill and i went up there and i was just doing like topical stuff because i was like well this stuff isn't going to live long enough for my next special so i'll do some of this stuff and i did something about some kid that shot a gun or whatever and like the level

of you know he shot a you know kill two people or whatever and the level of people saying how unfunny i was i was like no no but i realized that it was like because i made fun of something that they were into like they thought i was going after what amendment is it with the guns is it the second yeah fifth i always forget plead the fifth fifth i forget i who gives a fuck right um the second amendment and it's just like i don't give a shit i like guns i don't care if you have a gun but this particular guy was an idiot so i was making fun of him and you get to those people who just can't you know they're so that they were like that was quite possibly the most unfunny six minutes of my life and that's when i started to realize like of your life

you're old enough to remember 9 11 9 11 was more enjoyable than my six minutes on this fucking jerk off with a gun all right so um but it bothered me because i don't want people to do that i want people like what i loved about richard prior was when he made fun of white people he did it in a way that got me to laugh at myself which made me open to what he was saying where if somebody came the other way you know like that i would always be like all right this guy hates white people uh you know fuck you i'm not listening to you so i i try to do it like um do you remember that was there was a period of time and stand up where walking the crowd was like this badge of honor right and i used i never understood that i was like well once they

leave the fun's over right like the game is to annoy them but still keep them on the hook so they stay ray garvey used to book in atlantic city he said any comic that doesn't walk a table now and then isn't a real comic as far as i'm concerned which is a great statement but it's essential that the phrase now and then is in there you don't want to consistently walk people but once in a blue moon somebody should uh go ah i'm so well i never right but then there's another thing too it's like what's wrong with just being silly oh of course i've really come into this new period of enjoying i've always loved silly but like i find that if you add silliness to a really serious topic it's it's like magic yeah like you're just being like domestic violence the

other night i was talking about it and i was just being over the top silly and sexist but it was so fucking silly that everybody could laugh and it breaks the tension like my newest joke i might never do it is uh i'm not going to mass anymore i'm sick of all these mass shooting i'm i'm afraid i don't know if that one would work it might not i feel like people get the mass shooting thing is it depends on the crowd if you're working a rough crowd they don't care and boston's pretty right you know well so this is you know i like about this book already is you're telling me that i can kind of basically just even if i like it with my add i could just yeah it's totally browsable there's no essential grand motive to it and you know there's no grand theme it's just comedy

collection of biographies like my i call it the myclopedia of stand-up comedy but there's a ton of people that aren't in there it's just i just i enjoy writing what what year did you start i my first show was in 1975 at wet goods in corning new york i did an hour and 20 minutes 1975 yeah but what was the scene like back then uh there was no scene there was there was a catcher rising star in new york and i went down there to try to do it down there so you went on that that fame that's like the famous one and then everybody would hang out at the green kitchen or something like that on the east side i always heard about that place i don't remember that one but the guy that was the coolest guy in the world to all the comedians

was richard belza oh is that he was the king of comedy as far as we were all concerned he hosted open mics at the catcher rising star and he'd be on stage four hours he brought me up on stage and he stood there working the crowd while i was standing next to him like he hadn't even mentioned my name yet but if it was anyone else i would have been insulted i didn't care i'm standing next to richard belza he was the king he was the king of comedy i remember it's like 30 years ago when he booked that procedural show that he he has like the record for being on tv like the longest time in a row or something like that longest years in a row i remember him standing going yeah they're off for me this thing you guys think i should do it he

was joking around obviously he was gonna do it so i always feel cool like i was like um i saw him right before he got that that what the what show is that i never all i do are in order oh it is he's on one of the law and orders right um and then uh i remember seeing what was it jimmy fallon we were at the tempe improv and it was right when he got the tonight show and he was doing stand-up you know to get ready to like monologues and stuff like that and i remember talking to him as he was like trying to get his head around the fact that he was the uh the new host of the tonight show i like that's one of my favorite things about being in this business is to be there right before you see you know a friend of yours or someone you admire blow up like that and um

yeah i used to hang out with steven right when he was working in uh at the in cambridge and just to see what happened to him was wonderful for the most part the best people do get the best breaks i think you know yeah but it's not an accident they happen to be the best people but occasionally there's a dick that goes far but most of the people that go far and nice and that's part of why they went far right but i what i like about you and steven right is i relate to you guys in that despite what you do for a living you like you're alone time oh yeah and like i've talked to uh steven right one time i can't even believe i got to talk to him and he was telling me how much he likes to be alone that he actually called the post office to see if he could legally stop getting mail like

this is how much he doesn't want to get bugged and they were like no sir you have to have a legal address and like i don't know if it's it's being around crowds and all of that stuff that after a while you you kind of love that alone time and i keep having like this reoccurring dream like not like i'm a sleep dream but just of having a house in the middle of nowhere and just sitting on the porch with like a cup of coffee or a cigar and just not having anything to do or anybody to talk to obviously my wife and kids are there um right and just like hanging out with them simple living yes yes which is why i can't relate to a lot of the um you know capitalism was always selling you that you needed the next thing but like nowadays um like that whole you

know grind in 24 seven and you know money never sleeps and all of that shit it's just like uh that is not a road uh from how i'm wired that's not going to be a road to happiness you know walking around wearing some chinchilla coat and never having any free time like i don't understand like what the purpose of that is but um i got so much out of guys like you when i was coming up and uh i really cannot wait to read this book and you you've always been like one of the great guys to have a conversation with when i got over you're a very intimidating guy just no be well what it is is you're quiet and introverted so what happens is is if you're an insecure person you immediately go like oh he's not talking to me because he doesn't like me because

i was quiet and introverted and right people used to look at me going like oh people think you're aloof and that was the funniest thing to me it's like because you don't talk to when i first came out i was really shy especially in new york i was just i was scared and um you know i remember saying oh people think you're aloof and it's just like if they realized that when i was sitting over the corner not talking to them because i was questioning everything i did in the last seven minutes of my life um it was something i had to learn is like i'll tell you how quiet i've never told this story i did a show in pennsylvania i think it was scrant it was one of those old cities and uh it's friday night and i did good on friday night it's first time at the club and after the

show they came up to me shook me you were great he says we were thinking about firing you like what says we were talking to the management down in new york city and we thought you were so quiet that you couldn't possibly they weren't joking yeah they were discussing it at two o'clock in the afternoon whether to have me replaced just based on the fact that i was that quiet sitting in the corner reading a history book oh my god like and and i didn't say anything but inside i was thinking you fucking assholes you didn't even give me a chance then i was i was in gold because i did good on stage right you know i i i light up on stage and i'm pretty quiet offstage unless i'm watching the three stuages or somebody i think is hilarious you know i can get a phone call from

the hotel management you got to keep the laughing down right because it's not like i don't have a sense of humor but uh i have a high standard for what's funny you know what that reminds me of one time i had a gig and i was living in la the first time and it was uh i was playing atlantic city and the plane was late i landed in newark and i got a rental car and i was one of my first headlining gigs and i'm driving like a madman to get down there and i make it down there just in time and i come walking and i say the guy hey you know hey so-and-so uh bill burrow i'm the headliner he goes oh he's like you look nervous yeah right and it's just like and i just immediately just felt what little energy i had drained out of me and i was just thinking like i have to work for this

fucking cunt all weekend but i was old enough that i knew i was like this guy is miserable and this has nothing to do i was just starting to learn that but this is the thing i still needed his approval and he never quite gave it to me really the whole weekends yeah so the whole weekend i just felt like he was leaning on me and um you know those casino gigs are not easy gigs when you first start because it's this this sort of cross-population if you're not used to doing the road your act's going to be a little regional and also very age-appropriate i was a young guy in my 20s and these people you know had just lost money and they were in their 50s yeah why don't you smile more put a hidden camera on me leave the room i'll brighten right up yeah exactly why don't

you fuck off for a minute unfortunately oh look at that we're coming to the end of them um i can talk like another i also have a lennie bruce book i've written it's i was going to ask you if you if you if you uh wrote one because i didn't realize like i knew that guy was great obviously but like i he did this bit on jackie kennedy oh yeah that was great she wasn't trying to help the secret service man aboard she was hauling ass to save her ass just like anybody else and i wouldn't want my wife to have to live up to that stand because it's all bullshit right and he did that in like the beginning of 64 like that literally happened in november in six five six months later he was already making jokes about it and to to hear him do it and actually hear people laughing was

um it was one of those those great things we like people really haven't changed because that's the kind of thing that somebody you know back in the day the comedy seller when i was down there and i would watch all these great comics like louis and all of them like they would have collin would have a bit about that like i'm oh man i remember calling it like the best he had the best fucking 9-11 joke of how people were trying to be like sort of like make it seem like they were almost in the towers and each example got more and more ridiculous like somehow they were like literally like they couldn't set their ego aside i'm totally butchering it but they they had to make nine even 9-11 had to be about them and he was doing that like on like september 20th or whatever like nine ten

days after it happened and he was killing with it and um you know there's there's a thing where you watch comedians from way back then you know take my wife please and you see that you just think it's all this you didn't realize that like no there was guys you know lenny red fox and all these guys were just slinging it the same way people do it now that you just could not get on tv saying stuff there was no hbo but like people were were joking about that stuff and you had like no idea his stuff on like uh uh homosexuality and all of that that stuff he did live at carnegie hall oh yeah and i'm just sitting there going like he had silly he had to but that's tremendously silly but the the the dustin hoffman movie and that awful book by albert goldman and a lot of these

documentaries that they might be loving documentaries and they're taking this heavyweight meaning to what he was to society and everything but they forget about how silly he was and i at this back before even before cds i had made this cassette tape the best of lenny bruce my homemade uh selection your mix tape yeah my Lenny bruce and i handed it to comedians all the time i was like the Lenny bruce johnny apple seed i would hand it to comedians and i swear every time the comic would come back to me two months later and say mike i never realized how fucking funny he is yeah he was amazing because people are so focused on the seriousness of his life story and how he defied society and redefine this and that and there's a lot of truth to all of that

but he was also hilarious and people don't realize just how fucking and his stuff stands up like oh big the the the Carnegie hall he kind of screws around for like the first 10 minutes but right around 10 11 minutes when he goes into his act like i was listening and you forget that it was i mean that was in the 50s or 60s that he did that i can't remember when he did it but i you know it's just back when i i had my i had a cd player in my car and i popped it in and i was like wow like this guy's stuff was still contemporary woody allen comedian was another one that was still like contemporary and i think it's because those guys were like talking about life in like an honest way um it really is amazing but um dude i so enjoyed having you on the podcast and and and you

know all these years i've known you actually got to know you even better like knowing that you're a history buff and all of that and and i got to get those world war two books i'm on mike donovan's bookstore on facebook that's the only place i promote myself with an apostrophe mike donovan's bookstore on facebook donov an and the name of the book is the stand-up comedy book and it's a good read that's all it is it's just a good it's for people who like to if you don't like to read don't buy the book it's for readers seriously it's a book you know it's not for people that just don't like to read and think i love stand-up comedy i'll read yeah if you appreciate good writing i'm a pretty good writer i think you're an excellent writer and i can't wait to uh i can't

wait to read this mike it was an absolute honor yeah have you on the podcast it was an honor to you know open for you and learn from you i'm a big fan of you now after watching you last time when i get back to boss i'm gonna watch all your specials because i just simply want to enjoy myself well can you just i'm worried that you're gonna watch the older ones i'll probably like them better than the newer ones all right all right thank you so great to see you the stand-up comedy book mike donovan he also has uh what is it world war two honey uh who's who in world war two who's who civil war who's who in the civil war and who's who in russian history russian history i mean they're all about a hundred thousand words long they're fairly big books how many pages uh 350 400

they're big books well i want to read the russian history because i know they whacked that family and they finally found him right they buried him didn't they well the best story about that is the the girls they kept shooting them and they wouldn't die and they didn't understand when they were and they turned it turned out they when they examined the body they had all the family jewels hidden in their corsets so these are the kind of stories that's the best part of the book yeah yeah oh no these there's a lot of good stories in there about russian history yeah i i you will love that book all right those who are the of uh yeah and the twelve font version is called mike donovan's people of russian history but and the the e-book is called who's who in russian history all right

well you are an absolutely amazing comedian and a fascinating guy to talk to i can't wait to read this when i go from this i'm going to russian and i'll pump all that on the podcast anytime you're out here or anytime i'm back in boston if you want to come back on the podcast i would love to yeah great to have your respect sir right back at you mike donovan everybody thank you so much for uh listening to the thursday afternoon just before friday monday morning podcast uh have a great weekend you can't uh hey what's going on is bill burr and it's the monday morning podcast for monday

um january 26 2015 what's going on how are you how's it going um i am doing this at about 10 41 p.m monday night in perth perth australia sorry you guys are going to deal with my awful australian accent um and also the shitty recording thing that i'm going to use this week because i was not lugging my fucking mixer all the way over here i remember i had a flash i was packing up the mixer and uh last time i was in australia i remember i i fucking i plugged in the mixer and it got all shorted out even though i had the thing to uh the adapter whatever the fuck you call it anyways i'm gonna fucking hotel room right now and uh it's gross i'm gonna gross fucking hotel room right now um i don't i don't even know where to begin to describe first of all the

little fucking round coffee table i had to wipe the whole thing down from the sticky drinks from the last time and uh then the fucking the rug is just like i'm trying to find an area of the rug that isn't stained overrated everybody the hide the fucking hide i remember when i was a kid you know the fucking hide even like a hilton was considered nice now granted i grew up in a family that you know a number of times a month we had chip beef on toast or chicken a la king for dinner the scalloped potatoes and ham this is before the food network so whatever whatever the fuck recipes were handed down or on the back of a fucking rice crispy box that's what you ate if you think about some of the shit you had uh we had this fucking goulash hungarian goulash that

was actually good then we had this other shit my mother used to put these fucking noodles in it and one day my older brother told me they were actually worms and every time i went to eat it i'd be like fucking gagging my mother didn't give a shit she'd make me finish it i can't believe i can't remember the name of it anyways whatever but back in the day you know a hide and a hilton were nice now i don't know what happened i don't think they've bought a rug much less shampooed one every time i'm thinking i'm staying at the hide i always thought the hide this is going to be great it's still stuck in my head like way back in the fucking day this place is a shit hole um anyways but i am excited to be out here this is the

furthest into uh australia that i've ever been nice 14 hour flight to sydney and then uh we landed and uh fucking went into a hotel hung out for part of the day and then i had to do um some big talk show i don't remember the name of it i'm so fucking jet-like it was weird it was weird we uh this is how we taped the thing i went down into a conference room in the hotel and they had me sitting in the room and then in another room they had the camera that i just look into and talk and um that person in there was in a room with the light shut out so i look like some crazy person when my wife came in because i was sitting there with the light on me talking into a dark room and um trying to be pleasant but it was actually a really fun

show i wish i could have done it live so um anyway so i'll be letting you guys know my fucking adventures over here as i go like i said i'm starting off here in perth i believe the next night is in melbourne melbourne however the fuck you say it and um then brisbane and then sydney and then i'm done that's going to take a week and then i'm over to new zealand then up to singapore hong kong and then the fucking mumbai india then over to new york to go do the uh the patrice o'neill benefit so there you go that's gonna be my goddamn week um all right the fucking i talk about other than just being like goddamn playing for the last fucking day of my life where do we begin where do we begin did anything happen this week i don't

know if you guys saw this week i was on the bill ma show um i don't think i ever felt felt so dumb in my life you know i felt like when i was on bill mar show i felt like if i went on espn and i didn't watch sports that's what it felt like everybody's throwing out these fucking stats it was like fantasy football except they were talking about terrorism or jails or something i don't even know um did the larry wilmore show too the first one had a great time on that one and that was another one it's a politician from new jersey was just firing out these fucking staleo 85 percent of black bales uh that they don't have enough toothpicks in their life and uh you know if you're a white male uh you get that plenty of everybody nodding in a grad no fucking idea what anybody was talking

about and you're probably saying well bill you know you're dumb you know you're not you know i'll meet the press kind of fucking person either on a real or a fake news show why the fuck would you go do those gigs because everybody i am promoting a movie um that comes out january 30th called black or white that stars kevin costner octavia spencer and was written by mike binder and directed by mike binder and um i had a great time working on that thing and you know the classic hollywood didn't want to make it kevin costner loved the story he's worked with mike binder before on a movie called upside of anger and he's costner said fuck it we're gonna make this movie and he ended up putting up his own money so um if you have the

time and you have you know 20 or 30 close friends if you could drag them out to the local cineplex and uh buy a ticket watch it legally and that type of thing that would be awesome i would really appreciate it's called black or white i actually play a lawyer i play kevin costner's lawyer anthony mackey's in it i mean come on and soon to be star uh jillian estelle is in it i mean it's just it's a veritable who's who except for me somehow i snuck in there um should i tell the story bill how did you get the part in that movie uh you know what the conan o bryant show i was on conan running my yap and mike binder had a friend who was watching it said hey you gotta see this guy this guy's funny binder watched it and said hey you know what that's the guy that's

rick reynolds and i didn't even have to audition for it and i fucking went out to new orleans when we shot it and i had no idea what i was getting myself into as far as uh i'm trying to think when i even read the fucking thing when i even read the script i think i read it as i was flying out there you know because that's where i am in this business if you say i have a movie i say yes before you even tell me what it's about speaking of which i had another one that came out i actually did a uh uh zombie verse it's a movie about beavers that turned into zombies okay and if that doesn't get your ass off the couch i don't think anything will um you know people try to give me shit about that movie like zombies what the fuck dude like we didn't know that it was a joke going into it uh

friend of mine jordan rubin rubin i used to do uh stand up with him like 20 fucking years ago in new york called me up and said hey bill i'm uh doing this movie um it's fucking over the top it's crazy it's ridiculous so i was wondering if you would just do a one scene in it and i said yes and i did a scene with somebody else who's in disguise who's actually super famous and um i'm actually hearing really good things about that thing but fucking radio guys like to break my balls about it like i called up uh wbc end in boston toucher and rich show morning show toucher was breaking my balls about it you know people see it's it's a red flag you know you got a movie called zombivers they start looking at you like bill did you fucking did you blow a guy in this did

you do a little bit of porn um but whatever uh so those are the two but black or white comes out january 30th i know i'm horring myself out right out of the gate but if you guys could go see it it'd be really really important it's a great movie great story and a lot of these kinds of movies don't get made anymore because nobody pays for movies anymore which is why movies either cost they have like a fucking five hundred thousand dollar budget or five hundred million because they're either like not gonna invest a lot of money anymore or they're gonna try to make something like those transformers superhero fucking movies because they're betting on the fact that you're gonna be like well i gotta go see that at the theater um i don't know i don't

know how the whole fucking thing works out but you know the deal everybody steals everything now people put the fucking money up so who knows what um so anyways this is the money money podcast let's see what the fuck happened this week now this is the off week the fucking off week between the afc and nfc championship games and uh and the super bowl so you know there's never anything to talk about so this week they had the whole stupid deflate gate thing which i don't even really want to talk about it was so fucking stupid you know what i mean it was almost like espn should have got sued or whatever you're not supposed to cry like you're not supposed to yell fire in a crowded movie theater that's literally what they were doing it was the stupidest the

fucking the cults lost by 38 goddamn points you know it's funny some guy on espn one of those science guys actually uh you know did this whole scientific experiment thing um to see if uh i'll actually post this video and i always say this but this time i actually will to see if it was an advantage it actually turned out to be a slight disadvantage the ball got there like a split second later and they said it was enough for a defender to get a fingertip more in the way of the path of the ball i mean it was so fucking stupid i swear to god man i'm trying to come up with the theory here i just think generally speaking people are sick of the patriots and they fucking hate bill bellichick and i know right now that you guys are going to roll your eyes and whatever i understand that you

like this guy's a fucking patriots fan i don't want to hear it but we'll just hear me out here this is what i love about bill bellichick is even in the press conference after the game and the press conference before his next game that's already part of his game plan everybody always sits there and they talk about how he's so boring i listen he's fucking idiots on sports radio they try to say that he's a joyless man because he just goes up there and they'd be like uh hey you got you got seattle coming up you know well what do you think about them yeah you guys are favored do you think you can beat him and it'll just be like oh you know they're a uh they're great team and uh gotta work gotta work cut out for ourselves he would do that if you were playing

like the fucking Tampa Bay Buccaneers you know they're a great team and uh it's gonna be a tough game gotta work cut out for ourselves he knows what he's doing okay because sports media they're lazy their pieces of shit and they fucking take whatever you say and they only they only fucking take a clip of it and they twist it around and his bullet and board material for the other team or it creates a fucking controversy and a distraction in the locker room so he gives them nothing so they don't like him so they're looking to take the piss out of him you know who the media loves they love a guy like rex ryan who's gonna fucking come up and just be like we're gonna win the super bowl i wrote it on a bus right right there rex ryan will write 16

articles for you in one fucking one press conference he's gonna give you your whole fucking season and as a writer you don't even have to work you just put your feet up all right either he does it and he's like babe ruth calling the home run shot or he fails and we get to take the piss out of him done bill pelichek gives him nothing he makes him fucking work he makes him actually watch the goddamn game um that was the biggest non-fucking story i've ever heard and uh you know i'm over here i went on uh new yorkpost.com and i saw how richard sherman was kind of mentioning trying to suggest that we have this fucking special relationship with the commissioner i love how people just can't see the dirtbag shit that they're doing

do you know the seattle seahawks have had the most people test positive for performance enhancing drugs since 2011 including richard sherman who also tested positive and then he said oh it was a banned substance and uh i took a sip off of of another player's drink you know what i mean and uh i sipped it i didn't know it was in there so he got out of it now i'm gonna choose to believe him okay if i can choose to believe him why can't he give us the fucking benefit of the doubt really that's why it's in there you took a sip of your buddy's drink who fucking missed a blonde who then did the time for you and he did it like a man man he's gonna come in here

and decide on it a fucking blue um give me a fucking break okay seattle seahawks with their goddamn stadium that makes their their their crowd sound louder than it is is that cheating your own fucking coach who got busted so bad in the ncaa they actually took a championship away from the guy and this is the fucking thing i'm not a seahawks fan and i don't give a fuck about any of that shit i don't give a shit if richard sherman was hurt he did a fucking cycle to get through it i don't give a fuck i think they ought to be able to do it i said that on bill marth fucking nfl players ought to be able to take steroids and the other people smoke weed after the fucking game they ought to be able to heal up their bodies and fucking you know smoke a little

weed take away some of the pain and there's actually arguments out there that say in the medicinal purposes of the fucking drug could actually you know combat Alzheimer's and this new study saying that i don't know if it's fucking true but i just think if you're gonna like beat the shit out of your body these fucking adonises that with two fingers could throw me across the room in their 20s and in their 40s couldn't fucking beat me in a foot race you know across a fucking hotel lobby i mean i just feel like these guys the damage that they do to their bodies it shortens their lives and the quality of life that they're gonna have when they are alive like i really think that they ought to be able to like steroids or it's almost like medicine

i don't know that's just my feeling hey you want to build a fucking stadium that makes your crowd louder than it is that's not against the rules but it's kind of a what the fuck considering that seattle was unbeatable at home and was pretty fucking human on the road for a couple of years now i still don't even give a shit about that and as far as that Pete Carroll breaking all those fucking rules to the point that they took away a heisman trophy and a national championship you know old sneaky Pete fucking sitting there telling Mark Sanchez that he was leaving college too soon and then all of a sudden the ncaa is at the front door and he sneaks out the back door like a fucking rat and abandons all those goddamn kids that you know he told when they

signed their scholarships that he wasn't fucking going anywhere he saved his own ass and he ran out the back fucking door and you know what that's division one college football that's how it's fucking done i don't give a fuck i look at p caro like he just he got caught you know he might have been a little worse or a little less who the fuck knows but it's just the way it works it's the way fucking works so the same way your defensive back grabs a handful of jersey and then the announcers go hey you know if you can get away with it you know good for you it's the same fucking thing so you got all that shit going on this is what kills me is seattle is actually going to be riding into the super bowl wearing the white hat which is fucking hilarious to me

because they're just as filthy as anybody else including the fucking patriots give me a fucking break do you realize these people who actually sit there and call the patriots cheaters do you realize that your entire fucking argument is based on eric man genie and fucking jim ursay okay not exactly the most upstanding citizens i know i've talked about jim ursay before but i'll talk about the guy again that guy could not beat the fucking patriots his team could not beat the patriots 10 years ago we fucking manhandled his receivers during this game he bitched about it paint manning bitched about it to the refs after the game the refs were like whatever it was legal the fucking pro bowl comes along paint manning is still bitching about it after the

super bowl ursay and they make a fucking tape and they send it to the league and the league goes the patriots did nothing wrong that is legal jim ursay sat on the rules committee in the very next year the way the patriots were covering the fucking colts was now suddenly illegal and after five yards you couldn't touch him and you just had to escort him down the field and they had paint manning and his prime well guess what the colts beat the patriots and then they won a super bowl is that cheating is that gamesmanship and as far as the spy gate thing goes there was a league wide memo telling everybody to stop doing it okay to stop having a fucking cameraman standing down there on the sidelines in front of all the

fans they told everybody to stop doing it eric man genie fucking built his resume doing that shit oh Jesus let me just ring the door am i gonna get in trouble here whatever so give me a fucking break so the patriots get caught and then all of a sudden they question their entire fucking legacy oh and then meanwhile we go off and win like fucking 13 games every goddamn year for the rest of the fucking time and then people like well you didn't win a super bowl and it's like oh yeah that has nothing to do with our defense it has to do with the fact that we weren't fucking filming people give me a goddamn break because i'll tell you this right now if just filming the other team got you a goddamn dynasty every fucking team in the league

would still be doing it they'd be just doing it right up from the coaches box there's no camera with the zoom on it and if you think people aren't fucking doing that now stealing goddamn signs absolutely they are hang on a second there's somebody here hold on hold on hold on hold on hold on hello oh hey room service all right set it down like that all right you just put it right there on the table right here right here this table this table yeah beautiful um sorry about that there you go you like that that was actual room service captured on a podcast um so whatever all you guys out there all you patriot haters you can run out you fuck you guys can run your mouths all you want i don't give a fuck okay your team's

doing shit too okay i love how only we get questioned about that stuff the saints were taking out bounties on other players does anybody question their Super Bowl title i don't you know did you guys see fran tarkenton losing his mind he's still talking about Super Bowl 9 when he showed up and he talked to his lineman was it stew void is that what's the guy's name it's like a hall of famer and he's looking over at the Steelers and he's looking at looking at the Vikings and he just goes how come there's so much bigger than we are it turns out later like 90% of them were on roids including terry bradshaw who admitted that he was on roids does anybody question the fucking Super Steelers of the 70s no so go fuck yourself if you're gonna be sitting

here talking about goddamn balls that weighed like fucking half a fucking whatever the fucking was that minute unbelievable deflate gate and by the way can we stop putting gate at the end of everything that was funny in like the 1980s with the iran contra and somebody called it iran gate and ever since then everything is gate it's just like fucking hacks come up with a better goddamn joke so there you go everybody all you fucking country we're on twitter and you're trying to say that uh you know the patriots a bunch of cheaters i i see through everything that you're saying you're saying you're sick of losing to us but get used to it because tom brady still has another three four years left now can we get on to talking about the super bowl which is arguably the greatest

fucking matchup going oh you know made a fucking great point about the patriots colt's thing um hang on a second another fucking stain on the goddamn table sorry man i gotta clean this fucking table this goddamn was it just this fucking gross fucking gross anyways it's going to be a great goddamn game um i still seattle should be favored but every mouth breathing moron in vegas is going to see brady and bellichick so they put their money over there so then vegas has got to adjust the line to get money on both sides of the ball it's the same old fucking story but um i actually like that this whole stupid uh deflated footballs things came out um i think that's going to work to our advantage um

nah maybe if we played this sunday i think by next sunday it's going to be pretty much fucking over i'll be looking for some silly stupid signs from dumb fans i'll paint it in green you know the seattle fans will have signs talking about the patriots like their cheaters and uh no point will it dawn on them why they don't sound even remotely as loud in a different stadium they'll blame it on the fact that half the place is filled with the fucking patriots fans well do the math you should at least be half as loud as you are in your stadium which you're not going to be because down there in arizona it's just a regular old stadium so so there you go that's my whole take on that type of thing and uh here's a deal if we

play the fucking super bowl in seattle beats us and they do some dumb shit like fucking deflate the ball a little bit you know and we lose by 38 okay give me a fucking break i will sit there and be like wow the seattle seahawks just kicked our fucking ass that's what i would say but you know that's not how the fucking world works is it when you get fucking for 24 hours um 24 hour sports channels there's a fucking lead story on cnn give me a fucking break so anyways what do what do i think about the super bowl i have no i i mean i think on paper the fucking seahawks win i think defense wins championships as they always say and they have the better defense and a monster defense um i love their defense i think uh

and i think it's way easier to shut down to patriots offense than it is to beat seattle's defense and i think our defense is good but it's not as good as seattle's and when i look at it i just feel like that's going to be the difference we're not good at stopping the run and they have marshan lynch and uh russell wilson is obviously looking pretty human after the last game but i mean maybe he just had a bad game but uh that guy's mobile is hell and so we're obviously as all teams we're gonna have to have one guy just sitting there babysitting him the entire fucking game but uh they don't have the greatest receivers i don't know but i still you know we can't get any pressure on the quarterback i swear to god so i i don't know i just think on paper we lose but

for some reason i have a good feeling for some reason i think we're gonna win that's probably just me as a patriots fan but uh this is really a super bowl i have no fucking idea um i have no idea about but i got this feeling that's gonna be a classic i really hope it is um i don't want to see a boring one but here's the thing i don't know if i'm even gonna be able to see it live i think i'll be live well do it live i think i'm actually flying to new zealand when the fucking game is on and it's a five hour flight they better have some fucking tv's on there man i screwed up booking this this fucking tour when i did how the fuck did i know the pats were gonna be in this goddamn super bowl remember that when they lost to the fucking chiefs

now everybody's acting like they didn't fucking say that they were done i was convinced they were done i thought uh you know i just felt like it you know we just kept getting rid of veterans didn't want to pay their last contract and we just were getting slowly weaker by the season i totally bought into it so i'm as surprised as anybody that were there so that's it i won't talk anymore about that shit so anyways i'm over here in australia and uh today lo and behold is australia day i don't know why i don't know what it is if it's their independence day i don't know that you know i don't know a fucking thing

about australia i know they have a very similar history to the united states in that you know they had some english when come over here right and then there was people already here so that was a problem and they dealt with it in a way that uh centuries later you know musicians and shit with guilt would write songs didn't they out where the river broke right the time has come you remember that guy he said the time has come to say fair is fair to pay the rent to pay right pay our share and then the any let's give it back give what back the fucking land and then what are you gonna displace fucking nine million people how many fucking people in this country it's over you know it's

a terrible thing that happened just give them casinos like we did and you get on with your lives so anyways i have no idea what australia day is um i could probably look it up here for you if you want to you already heard room service you want to listen to me fucking type here anyways let's say basically they celebrate australia i gotta think that they could have come up with a better fucking name than australia day hey it's usa day you know it's not attached to anything but whatever i gotta respect that everybody gets a day off which is great on a monday which is even better so you get a three-day fucking weekend and then everybody kind of booses it up we got out here to Perth you know what i saw two fucking el camino looking cars that i

haven't seen like uh i don't like i don't it wasn't made by chevrolet but what was fucking hilarious is that both people were fucking kind of doing burnouts and driving like assholes so it's nice to see that that made me feel like i was home oh like a guy with a ratty haircut driving a fucking el camino looking car all right here we go uh australia day is the official official the official national day see that's how i read my fucking brain is ahead of my goddamn mouth australia day australia day is the official national day of australia uh celebrated annually on the 26th of january it marks the anniversary of the 1788 arrival of the first fleet of british ships at port jackson new south wales and raising of the flat the flag of great britain at that site

by governor arthur phillip by the way that reference do you have a flag that's um eddie isard who was actually on my flight um and i want to say a little because i'm a huge fan but i don't know i just felt like i was going to be bugging him so i didn't he's actually over here right now thank god not playing the same city that i'm playing or i wouldn't have sold any tickets in present day australia celebrations reflect the diverse society and landscape of the nation nice nice see how they wiggled their way out of that because i was just saying the indigenous people here must not be thinking january 26 was the great fucking day in their history so now they've kind of moved it around it's kind of uh you know the diverse society that we live in

you know we live indoors and uh you live outdoors in the uh outback or maybe you sit around playing a fucking didgeridoo on the street corner in sydney family events reflections on australian history reflections on australian history hey you probably shouldn't have killed all those people uh officially official community i'm not i'm not judging you guys you Aussie people okay we get the same fucking history and worse imagine if you did that and then you added slavery and then uh then you let a select group of people take over your food supply and turn it into poison right and then everybody gets addicted and then years later you yell at the fat people on a show called the biggest loser you know what they finally

came out with a fucking article talking about how dangerous that show is uh me and neah used to watch that all the time and i used to sit there saying they're gonna fucking kill somebody somebody's gonna die i don't work out this hard ever in my fucking life and uh you know i'm not 400 pounds over fucking weight but they were talking they did this whole article on it talking about people fucking up their joints and having really really bad problems and afterwards and putting the weight back on and the diets that basically the amount of calories that they give them is like really dangerous and all the shit that you obviously knew when you watch the fucking show but um one of the funniest things was uh something i can't even fucking remember what the fuck was

i just thinking of oh jesus christ i mean this is the usual me out of my mind and i'm beyond fucking jet lagged um oh i know they they said like really over the top mean stuff like you're not going to see your daughter's 12th birthday and as mean as that is it's actually true though you can't walk around some of the shit they were doing there was one guy i was actually jealous of him you know not that he was fat but just the fact i would love to have done what he did every day he fucking had like three quarter pounders with cheese and like three large fries for lunch and a giant coke you know i know that you would feel like shit afterwards but just think of how awesome that would be as you were consuming it when you felt that rush of salt and sugar just sending

your mood and everything else through the fucking roof that's one of those things where you just start rocking back and forth by the time you get into the third one you've already drinking half a gallon of soda you start like humming songs that didn't even exist before you know it's a very creative point during that process before you just completely crash out um but anyways what how many minutes are we in here oh shit 32 minutes okay let me let me read a little bit of advertising all right what was getting to let me attempt let me attempt to read here you know what the time has come to read the fucking advertisement what a hell is it live reads all right bam okay 90 percent oh me undies me undies no more sweaty balls but boop boop boop hey you know what i'm actually wearing

a pair right now and i gotta tell you they even work down under down under my fucking balls there i i could be a personal trainer i mean i couldn't the way i'm shaped right now but i mean like i could do that fucking job i think i don't be a fun job and then you would stay in shape because you know no one's going to go to a fat personal trainer it'd be good uh good motivation all right vegas.com unless you get something pussy did you see that that fucking dude in the kayak that tipped over help me i don't know what to do you got to see this thing if i can find it some woman taped her fucking friend water is filling up in the kayak if i move it sinks i don't know what to do this is an adult can you imagine trying to personal train that person

i can't imagine the amount of women out there that are personal trainers right to some fucking shlubby guy who fucking bitches and moans like that that's got to be extra fucking awful for him you know just to sit there dealing with i already if he had some whiny female client i would think a whiny dude would be even worse you know i don't know anyways let me just move on here vegas.com everybody ten percent off everything excluding air hotel packages using my code BRR vegas.com is the way to book vegas all right they really do serve up vegas from the inside because unlike the other travel sites they're from vegas they live in vegas work in vegas party in vegas they give you insider tips on where to stay and what to do when you get there

vegas.com comes propriety drop watch tool promises the lowest rates on hotels drop watch continues to monitor the prices even after you book and notifies you of changes to ensure that you get the best deal book at the lower rate and they will refund you the difference um what book at the lower rate and they will refund you the difference what do you mean i'm booking at the lower rate the difference of what the higher price i was paying now jesus uh vegas.com saves you money on shows headliner shows comedy pen and teller ron white caratop cirque de sole vegas.com offers more vip bottle service at top clubs oh we're in the fuck the vip movie cheap tickets best strip clubs go to vegas.com right now and when you book hotels shows clubs pick anything on the site that suits

you enter my code burr in the promo box and check out check check out and get an extra 10% off everything but air hotel packages that's vegas.com get bonus savings with my secret code burr i gotta tell you guys if you want some insider thing they kind of alluded to it now they're getting away from it but um you can go out to vegas and you can drive like a fucking lamborghini or a Ferrari on a racetrack if you get off the strip you also can go out there and you can shoot a fucking machine gun in the desert okay anybody can go and get some fake boobs rubbed in their fucking face okay as they drink a drink with the fucking umbrella in it you know i'm not saying don't do that all right definitely do that and have a good time but you know you should also be talking to her

you know hey Porsche you know i shot a machine gun today while riding in a Ferrari you can do something like that um all right my apologies for that awful fucking just awful everything in general content what the hell is it come on man come back to me it's time for the content and you won't show it to me all right here we go wait was there anything else i want to talk about before i got into the emails before i got right before i got into the emails uh oh you know when i was on the plane ride over um i actually uh you know i i watched that movie Lucy that was a movie that i wanted to see in um in the theaters it just kind of came and went i didn't hear the greatest things about it

i gotta tell you for a rental it's not bad it's not a bad movie you know you got that big pouty lipped uh hotties you know she's running around whatever her fucking name is Sebastian Bach what the fuck is her name she's got one of those names except the chick it's like the chick version of Sebastian Bach right what is her name aniston it's a really beautiful name anyway she's in it and uh uh they got some good bad guys they got like some Asian mob guys those guys are always cool you know i mean they fucking cut their finger off if they do something bad for their boss i've always liked that i've always liked the uh the italian mob thing i've always liked that and uh the asian mob guys you know i mean because the asian mob guys always combine like fucking

not only can they shoot a gun but then they always added the martial arts shit in there with fucking knives and spinning stuff around you know that's what i like about the asian mob before they whack you they have the decency to put on like a show like like murder Cirque du Soleil right torture Cirque du Soleil whatever the fuck it is i actually watched that and then you know i still had another like five hours on the flight and um i listened to uh sergeant peppers the whole fucking album which i hadn't listened to in so long that is one of the greatest fucking albums of all time and this is kind of this backlash by younger people that try to say the Beatles are overrated um and all i'm gonna say is i just feel

bad for you guys because i had never heard of jay dilla until he died and i follow quest love on twitter and he did some sort of link and i kind of got into that guy and if you actually listen to sergeant pepper with all this shit that they got going on in the background crowd noises and all that and these crazy sounds and all of that you almost see like the these elements of what jay dilla was doing on that album like fucking 40 years before it's absolutely fucking amazing album but anyway so we were flying right and as always i use all my miles when i got a really long flight like this and uh so we were riding up front like big shots and this woman was up front these two women were sitting next to each other

in front of them they had two little kids and then there was another little kid and these kids were running all all the fuck way around and um is there anything worse than seeing a parent whose kid just doesn't even listen to him it's like seeing a coach that like lost the locker room the kid kept getting up the kid was getting up we were still taken off like we were still be we were still ascending to our cruising altitude and um this she'd be like she'd go hey i told you to sit down he would just look at her nod her head and then continue to fucking run around and um i don't know she looked over me at one point i just gave her this fucking look like uh i don't know what it was i was annoyed because the kid kept you know running by and

that bumping into you and the kid was old enough to not be cute anymore you know he was just old enough where i was considering tripping him when he went by he was like that age what is that age like six seven years old not seven seven he can talk to him it's like look four and under you don't lay your hands on him between four and six you trip them and then after that age you just look at him like you sit him down like a person you like do what the fuck's wrong with you all right is that good parenting um anyways uh all right let's get to the fucking questions here for the week what the hell are they i'll tell you it was cool being at the airport man now that i'm actually flying and to all the shit that i looked out the window and i never fucking

understood i'm actually seeing what runway we're on what taxiway we're on and i'm figuring out why we're still holding there you know it's pretty fucking cool because it was uh horrible weather just blew me in that type of shit so um the fucking the uh tower had like all this traffic lined up and we were just sitting there and my wife's going like you know how come we're not leaving we're not leaving and i'm looking out the window and i think i was able to call it like when when he was gonna let us go um i don't know i can't wait to get back to that i got six more lessons and then i actually take my i have my check ride and uh i can't fucking wait i can't fucking i'll be a major fucking accomplishment if i actually get that thing i gotta be honest with

that i brought my notebooks and all that shit to study and um these fucking pretests on the internet and uh i don't know you gotta get a 70 percent and my school tries to get you up to like 90 and um i'm all over the map i'm 85 90 on some shit and other stuff i'm in the 60s but i'm no lower than the 60s so i figure this the next three weeks as i'm out on the road i'll just try to do an hour and a half every fucking day um anyways i probably bored the shit out of you but i don't care all right be the match everybody uh billy md i'm a 45 year old female whose son survived from a rare form of bone marrow cancer because of be the match.org be the match.org was something that i i uh mentioned joining um a couple podcasts ago

in case you weren't listening so anyways i was driving to work and listening to your podcast and when you mentioned this i almost started screaming for joy uh we you're the first woman who ever listened to my podcast who considered screaming for joy unless i was saying well that's the podcast for this week then they usually like oh thank god it's over um we were told that he would have a very hard time qualifying to be a donor because of certain factors you mean getting a donor um very hard time yeah to be a donor i think you mean qualify getting a quali a match i should say anyways we stayed positive and after a year and a half a donor match was found the match was a young man in his late 20s who had heard about be the match and decided to enter

decided to register on a whim thank you so much for mentioning it on the podcast my husband and i often question why programs like this aren't mentioned in bigger forums uh be it 60 minutes or the state of the union address i don't know anyone who wouldn't help someone's save someone's life if they could the donor or as we refer to him as superman had heard about this from a friend at a dinner party attending that dinner party in turn saved my son's life which means that you could be part of saving someone's life too just by having mentioned it uh i'm welling up just writing this email and i know your listeners are usually writing in about psycho women and sports but if you happen if you do happen to read this i just want you to know that it means the

world to us this is too fucking nice for me to read um too many compliments here uh to reiterate what you mentioned on the podcast the test is literally just swapping i think swapping your cheek with a q-tip not swapping your cheek that would be uh some face off shit uh with a q-tip they send you and putting it in a mailbox if you happen to match with someone in the registry they contact you and you have the option of saving someone's life fuck this i'm doing this i gotta do this jesus christ uh be the match.org everybody how about you do that why don't you guys go out and do that thing and then the next time your spouse your girlfriend or your boyfriend gives you shit like what have you been doing all day what have i been doing

saving fucking lives lady or buddy whatever women say to their guys you fucking asshole all right got drunk said some things wow got drunk said some things did i write this uh dear bill i am what many people have called a habitual line crosser ah the classic charlie murphy line from the rick james sketch uh i am a habitual line crosser when i drank last night i was out with some co-workers and my boss oh no at a brewery festival oh jesus all right what are you guys guessing here um probably told his boss he didn't know what he was doing and if his boss was female he probably made a pass at her what are you guys going with did he say something dumb or did he grab somebody's ass anyways i ended up getting fucking i ended up getting fucking rocked and

told my boss to her face oh my god she's a female here we go i am willing to lose my job to sleep with you that's actually kind of funny he said she laughed and blushed at the bold statement and proceeded to leave almost directly after this oh no oh you said it to the wrong person oh you said it to the wrong person i'm writing this to you on sunday morning and have to report to the old fucking clock puncher tomorrow i have no shame addressing sexual tension with the woman but my boss fucked me my plan is to just carry on like it never happened because honestly i don't care and see how she responds with either a not addressing it and keeping me employed be filing sexual harassment losing my job and sleeping with me and he writes

yeah see filing sexual harassment losing my job and not sleeping with me boo uh letting me keep my job and sleeping with me fuck yeah what's your what's your take on all of this um i don't have a take on it because you have to give a shit and you don't you're one of those guys i have no problem and i have no shame addressing sexual tension um i love the sexual tension what your sexual tension it doesn't seem like she had any you kind of just looking at this from your own perspective um you have all the makings of a high-ranking ceo and of a corporation because you you don't give a shit you have no guilt whatsoever you've already weighed out all the options you just hey i get away with it either do or i don't you've completely emotionally not even attached

to this thing um you're a dangerous human being i hope you don't get up uh i hope you're not in charge of the fucking water supply all right relationship advice yo billy bitch tits first off just want to say and right now that guy's like what the fuck man that's fucking dude think about it right now you don't have any guilt whatsoever you don't give a fuck you're not looking like oh man i got a drinking problem i uh you know i got to change my life you know if i'm going to get anywhere in life you completely don't even give a shit and then you turn yourself into like this fucking hero hey i got no problem addressing sexual tension hey you know who i am you know i am somebody's got to say it's gonna be me

and whatever man good for you i hope you're banger all right it's time for some more advertising i actually forgot to read these things so uh just had to fucking read these and then drop them in so sorry for the abrupt um going for me bablin to talking about the fucking advertising all right here uh relationship advice yo billy bitch tits first off just want to say huge fan of your stand up podcast all right so i am 21 years old and in the military living in england i just got here two months ago and have a girlfriend back home in the states who i've been with for about a year and a half and you've already met someone who wants to ban you over there because you got an accent in a military haircut you've been doing pull-ups and you're in the prime of your life right that's

what i'm guessing she's a great girl tall brunette has a fucking rocking body oh Jesus and it's a sweetheart with a good family ah good lord dude if all of that is true i would rub one out in england for a while um i feel like i hit the jackpot and we are working on getting her over here which would mean we would have to be married i want to do it but the same time whenever we talk about it i get nervous as fuck and this weird feeling in my gut holding me back i don't know if that's normal cold feet or what i feel like if i dumped her i'd be making a huge mistake but at the same time i don't want to get married and wake up two years from now angry that i wasn't single living overseas and could have had the time of my life what would you do in my situation she's the

mother of my kids material what but not sure if we're too young oh she's the mother of my kids material but not sure if we're too young thanks and go fuck yourself um i don't know how old you are you sound like you're young i would address this with her i don't know is that bad advice i think every guy fucking has cold feet freaks the fuck out and it's just like jesus christ the fuck am i doing what the fuck am i doing because women get married it's just like there's such an advantage to it you know the way the divorce laws are set up like they're there for the most part they're not going to lose unless they're making more money and then they got to be and then they got to be nervous i would think but also i think just in general they're they believe

in that roman stuff and all that shit what would you do um i don't know man that's a fucking rough one let me tell you that's a rough one you know do you love her you know what i mean if you love and you don't want to lose her i gotta tell you um you won't regret marrying her all right occasionally you'll be pissed that you didn't crush all that ass over there and you're going to the bathroom and you'll rub one out and the second you rub one out you're gonna be like i you know i made the right fucking choice all right i don't know are you 21 years old or do you're not gonna get married at 21 here's the deal just tell you want to be with her be never ready to get married you're only 21 years old that's what i would do see i don't want to be

married yet i'm only 21 i want to experience my 20s a little bit what do you mean fuck somebody else yeah no dude you're only 21 years old okay if this fucking woman already wants to get married i mean i think it's normal to 21 to fucking not want to get married just say look let's get married around like 26 what is the rush let's be single and fucking enjoy ourselves but like be together whatever i would go down that road um ah Jesus you know sometimes you guys ask me these life changing fucking questions and i gotta try to weigh all options here i don't want you to get rid of the love of your life and i also don't want to fucking have you locked down at 21 it's gonna come down to use their fucking private you're gonna have to figure this one out um but uh yeah i

would i would start with that see if you can oh i see to get her over there you'd have to fucking marry her dude that's not a reason to marry her i would do the long distance relationship thing um i don't know what the fuck i would do all right sorry i did my best if anybody has any advice for this kid just fucking write it next week and i'll you know if it makes sense i'll read it all right annoying father-in-law dear bill i'm a pretty well-rounded guy all right let's get this fucking right out of the gate this guy's patting himself on the back i'm not a complete stiff but i'm also not a flake but wait a minute dude those are both bad things you know i'm not a jerk but i'm also not an asshole i'm not a complete stiff i'm also not a flake

uh what that doesn't make any fucking sense to anyways i have my shit in order when you work hard to have your life together the last thing you want is someone telling you stuff you don't need to hear about when you're supposed to be doing or what you're supposed to be doing with your life and money my father-in-law is this person in my life all he cares about is the market stocks bonds mutual funds iras he actually wrote bonds instead of bonds all he talks about is watching his money grow and now i should be saving everything so i can live rich when i'm older the thing is i do save aggressively i'm doing just fine recently i booked a trip to greece to surprise my wife for our third wedding anniversary on our first date she said she always wanted to

go to greece i told her she'd get there within five years that was just under five years ago look at you you're the man of your work it seems like i came came through clutch here her father on the other hand said it was not the right time because of the exchange rate safety of traveling abroad and anything else he could throw in there how do i respond to him do i laugh it off and just wait till he talks shit again and again and live with it would i put him pull him aside and let him know i don't want to hear his shit anymore thanks i would do both i would experimenting with laughing it off at first and if he keeps coming at you at some point you just got to take him aside you know and just be like listen um i would actually talk to you to uh your wife

about it first just to tell her that you're gonna do it just in case he comes at her with his fucking story of like i was just trying to help it and he he just browbeated me i would just say you just say to your wife like listen i know your father means well but uh you know he's always talking to me about my finances our finances and that type of thing all right i know he's very smart with money and that type of thing but i also feel like i'm smart with money in my own way all right and uh i've saved my money and we can afford this and we're young and you're beautiful and you want to go to greece and i'm taking you because i love you all right but i got to be honest with you if your dad keeps opening his yap i'm going to fucking shove a dinner roll in it are we cool all right

what are we watching tonight real housewives are we going to watch the little sports whose night is it there you go and then you're out but at some point yeah you got to sit down if you do have an uh an annoying person like that in your life you really do you got to sit down with them and you have to do it uh i do it in our restaurant take them out to lunch you know so there's no option for any screaming and yelling and um just lay it on the line you just got to say it on that listen you know i love your daughter more than anything in the world and you have to know that i'm going to take care of her all right and then it'll it'll be oh right right after that you catch him off guard because he knows it's a fucking deep conversation he wasn't ready for it you're ready

all right and just say listen um i know you're concerned about a well-being of course you are you're a great dad all right but i am saving money and we are going to be fine i just do it a little bit different than you your daughter has always wanted to go to greece and i would rather take her now in the prime of her life then bring her over there when we're both you know walking around with dentures and canes okay i want her to enjoy this before we have kids and blah blah blah blah blah and this is what i'd like to do and i need you to respect that and i appreciate your comments about our finances but i would but i would i don't how do you say this part i would just say listen i will come to you because i know you know what

you're doing but if i if i am having a problem financially which i am not but if i am you are the first person i will come to with advice okay until then i don't want to hear another fucking word how the fuck you do it smooth it out that's basically what you do all right so that's the podcast for this week everybody um i got my first show tomorrow night um here in Perth i'm really looking forward to it man i'm gonna put my hour together out here and looking forward to all the people that i'm gonna see uh comics that i'm gonna meet and that type of shit and um it's gonna be insane it's already been saying going through australian into new zealand but when i go into southeast asia um experiencing those cultures it's just gonna be unreal like in

china i had this great interview um with the guy for the the hong kong gig and he was mentioning how hong kong you know that they're they're basically their own deal they have their own constitution and shit but in mainland china as he called it like do you know he said recently the they they banned puns they banned puns in wordplay in the media which i know everybody else is probably gonna laugh like oh that's silly you can't make a pun but you know humor is a great way to take the piss out of the fucking people that are in power um and it's a clever way to do it where you can't quite get busted for it and um unless you get a psycho which maybe they do but whatever but it's a way to kind of make your point and stay out of jail and start a movement or

whatever so they've banned that type of thing and i guess the comedians in china are pushing the boundaries of what is allowed on stage and what is amazing to me over there is that in china the stand-ups over there that art form which i think eventually it will go global it's really weird that that art form has not the fact that music you know acting and and all these uh film all pictures painting all the other arts are worldwide but stand-up one of the great arts i feel that there is is not worldwide and it's like brand new essentially in china and what's so fascinating mainland china what's so fascinating to me is that they are actually pre lennie bruce over there you know what i mean like i look at these other places where they can actually talk and i'm like

it's exciting to me because it's like all right they're going to have their richard prior they're going to have their george carlin their sam kinison or whatever and um you know these these guys are actually in china are like they're waiting for their lennie bruce to come along which is pretty amazing to me and um i also can't imagine living in that type of oppression how that would affect the comedy um on just like a whole other level like just listening to like richard prior and then what he ended up talking about because of what he went through i can't imagine over there i know it's just like a different thing like this is that whole fucking experience living in a fucking country with his like what is that three four billion fucking people something like

that or billion people they got over there i just can't imagine how you would try to stand out over there and then you got this oppressive fucking thing where people got to stand in front of tanks and shit i know that was like 25 years ago but um i don't know i think it's going to be really interesting too i'm hoping that some comics when i go to hong kong some chinese comics will come out and i'll get to talk to them and find out about that because the guy was actually going would you actually do a gig on main in mainland china and i was like no i wouldn't because i don't know how to fucking i've been a free man so i wouldn't know how to rein that in i mean i've done corporate gigs and tried to tone it down but i wouldn't trust myself to not blur it out something that would

then end i'd end up god knows what haven't have somebody call a fucking embassy over a shit i mean i don't i i couldn't handle that because the guy was going do you have any advice for those kids over there and i was like no i don't because i i i would had a a a privilege stand-up career where all those walls were already broken down i actually said what i would rather i would like to talk to him you know and hear what they're going through but uh hopefully you know things open up over there because i really don't think that any government if you fucking oppress the people it it's just it's like it can only last for so fucking long before people have had it so hopefully uh you know jesus christ i mean you need government and you need fucking rules and

that type of shit but you don't gotta be taking it to that level banning puns and fucking wordplay give me a break anyway so that's the type of shit i'm gonna be countering here on this trip uh like i said i'm gonna try to watch the super bowl i'll figure out when the fuck it is i actually left and i forgot to tape it what's up everybody and welcome back to the anything better podcast another nfl edition and this week we will be talking about it's championship week everybody it's championship and then there were four and then there were four weeks left all what happened every year uh dude it's sad the fact that there's only a few games left is fucking sad it's over

um so fast but but i'll tell you what i am i might have had a good regular season but boy boy am i i mean with the points with the points in the playoffs i am hurting bill you're definitely having a better playoff run than me i mean my new york football giants that's a that's a that's a that's i mean whoo i am too i took the giants too i had uh i had the bangles i had the 49ers i don't even know if they covered 49ers cover they covered right um through my man mush i literally watched damn game um yeah so girl dude just coming in just breaking their hearts buffalo they're like this is it we're a team of destiny the whole country's rooting for us because of that poor kid football god's saying no again

this year fall but you gotta start to wonder what happened in the buffalo rochester area that they just i mean they they had all the pieces in every year fall the pieces they just they just they like the snow falling they fall in the ground bangles came in there like assassins dude and you know what's crazy and i i i tweeted something and at the exact same time i tweeted it the hilarious joe list tweeted it and then we texted with each other going it blew my mind tony romo in the second quarter of the game and it was the only time in my life because i'm a tony romo guy everybody a lot of people talk i like tony romo but this was the first game where i'm going what is he he said in the second quarter and i'm going to anybody hear this he goes well you know

buffalo they really need to score here if there's any hope and he said that and i go dude any hope i go it's a seven point game in the second quarter so then i tweeted it and then i saw joe list and he goes yeah blew my mind but that he was right oh he saw he saw that buffalo was finished early and he knew that they couldn't stop it um but an announcer shouldn't and a national broadcast in the second quarter goes out dude if they want any hope had one solid quarterback coach instead of 47 during his tenure with the cowboys now everybody's jumping all over Zach Prescott dude when your team doesn't win for 30 fucking years at some point you got to look at the front office to stop blaming your quarterbacks and running them out of town oh that's a hot take ball

and that's right up on espn the banner yeah oh what about now we got to do that segment poll we got to do the uh the new york post trying to guess the headline oh so this is so this is gonna be a new thing that me and bill talked about it's gonna be on the show and we decided to do it with the new york post because i don't care how you feel about politics or anything the new york daily news does not do these as good as the post but the post will always come up with one of those clever after a game it'll be like for example like not so giant and then it'll be like the giants losing or some shit like that so me and bill when you were talking about uh they were talking about how many people have smoked in pot

they you know and you can smell it everywhere in new york uh what do i how do i get out from mine in one hour um so they said uh eureka reek eureka uh something like that the city that that always wreaks then they had a couple of good i forget what they were if they had like fucking nine jokes on two pages all about that uh um how new york smells like doobie doobie do and a weed reference so we're gonna start trying to guess the new yorks if the games go the way that we want you gotta guess okay so we got what we already got left here you got the bangles we got the purple row and chiefs we got the bangles and chiefs and we got the philadelphia egos and the 49ers we already came up with one you came up with one well let's do our picks first

okay okay we'll do our we'll do our picks first um so look i would i actually think i'm right with both of these now okay and i know it's only two but i think i'm right but we got andrew we got the live lines thank you we got to get the live lines here now to win the game to win the game i have you want me to do my picks and then you do your picks oh i would love to hear your picks the whole world your picks for okay i like cincinati and philadelphia to win the game and be in the super bowl but andrew i need the live numbers now because i said if it's over seven i would take the niners so what is the what is that line the niners are getting two and a half okay niners are getting two and a half i love philadelphia in that game especially in what's that i love the eagles

the eagles at home it's a problem the eagles at home after what they you know after what they did to the giants approved jaylen hertz is a healthy i love that and i i'm rooting for the niners i think a coach nodding in the thing going i know what the fuck i'm doing i know what the fuck i was doing too if i had jaylen hertz by the way let's talk about that for a second and this is not sour grapes from a giant's fan i promise one of the worst things that i've ever saw any coach do is when that dude looked in the camera and went dude that was that was an upper deck at yank down to his fucking eyeballs dude that was a fan in the upper deck gets at the bus stop that gets hit in the side of the head with an ice fall yo that was a fan in the upper deck

that was a fan i've never seen a coach go dude that was one of the worst douchey's things oh who would ever say i know what the fuck i'm doing that's how morons think i know what the fuck i'm doing it's just like nobody knows what the fuck i'm doing you're having a good day oh my god you imagine bill parcells or bill bellichick ever looking in the camera going dude and jaylen hertz the amount of improv on every fucking play where he did the whatever the play is is out the fucking window and then he makes something happen and then this fucking snowball throwing jerk off is all i know what the fuck i'm doing he likes the camera this coach too he loves do he loves the camera do they were doing the 360 shot around the guy like

every fucking play i know i know i hope it doesn't it's it's bad enough when they do with the players you know paul the game is passed us by we're just two old guys i i i miss the old stoic coach that just sits there remember joe tory you would never know anything he didn't smile until you won the world series even then it was a half a smile there were two types of coaches when i was coming up there were the joe tories who were stoic and didn't say much and then there were the bill parcells who didn't recognize it and they were just more of like the bobby knights now you got fans you got fans coaching you got guys talking an instagram influencer it started with you got you called it bill it started with rex ryan rex ryan was the first guy to be like we're gonna go down there

and we're gonna fuck with the new york jets jerry glanville jerry glanville the guy there was always a guy like sort of popping off i just never saw a guy play to the fucking camera and like uh look there's always been like personalities like that but now it's just so like i mean he's trying to get like a sneaker deal he's trying to get like a fucking aftershave lotion fucking uh commercial he's trying to he's trying to be a spokesperson for aqua velva take it away from george brett whatever who gives a fuck i can tell you this though that guy's got a great fucking team he does they're gonna they're gonna beat the say i they beat the san francisco 49ers i think it's gonna be uh not so purdy eagles soar to the super bowl yeah not yeah yeah yeah not so purdy um

and then i think if the purdy stays ugly yeah yeah and and if the eagles if the eagles pull it off it'll be like uh i mean i'm sorry if the niners pull it off like niners ground purdy grounds birds or something along with the flight of a bird that they can't look up purdy what 49ers sitting purdy as eagles fall haha dude i would love to be in the writer's room just one thing what about this one purdy grounds the birdie purdy grounds it runs bro dude purdy grounds the birdie and then you just see an eagle sitting on a fucking yeah something like that um purdy grounds the birdies purdy grounds the birdies um all right and then one ever on the new york post was when clemen said he was retiring

and they had a big send off with the yankees and then he sighed with houston and the title it said what an astro that's pretty good it was like they call them an apple in a clean way no the post the post doesn't go away um all right now so we i like the eagles with the uh by by three and then there's no way there's no way joe for some reason i guess the young kids are calling them joe sheisty have you heard that no oh so anyway but joe burrow is gonna go into arrowhead and he's gonna beat the one-legged limping mohomes i think he would beat him even if he wasn't hurt i think they're really good dude what's that one chiefs are getting one chiefs are getting one which means it's a pick them it's a pick them i think burrow gets back

there he's got the running game he's got the fucking uh you know jamar chase that wide receiver he's got t higgins he's got some good players xin running the ball he's got a great mcpherson's a great i think it mcpherson's a great kicker i'm gonna take the i'm gonna take cincinati to win that game you know he's protecting his backside sorry um i gotta tell you paul this game scares me i don't think that either team spanks the other team i think one is the perfect number i only think kasey is is getting one because mohomes is allegedly hurt uh i've seen that guy get hurt in games and come back and win he did it with against the cleveland browns i don't think that he's going to be limping around um i think the btk killer their fucking coach out there andy reid dead ringer

for the btk killer you know those guys that been there before they got travis kelsey i don't know about this paul i think this is a classic trap game where they just beat the bills trap as far as being a better that you just think because it just seems like oh yeah joe burrow just doesn't lose in the playoffs he's got the thing going you know he was just too young to win the super bowl that one time oh this is a tough one paul this is a tough one i'm actually gonna go kasey oh okay on him it's gonna hurt me because i love joe burrow and i love the bangles but i just feel like uh everybody's gonna think the bangles everybody's gonna be like fucking uh the forward lateral guy there he's gonna be patrick mohomes is gonna be hurt

ba ba ba they're gonna put a bunch of money on it i think the line's gonna move paul i think you're gonna get more than one point you might get a point and a half or two come sunday and uh it's gonna be a foregone conclusion just one of those fucking games and then chiefs are gonna come out and vegas is gonna clean up if mohomes does one of those laterals and they go oh you got one leg it's unbelievable what's gonna happen anything that does it's just like it sounds like wrestling like somebody just ran out of the fucking locker room anytime and it goes pat paterson um all right so if the chiefs win yep oh i had it uh what mohomes hobbles into the super bowl chiefs hobble into the bat battled uh patrick mohomes uh gives cool joe the deep freeze

oh city okay um if he loses patrick mcmoans loses something about they're gonna figure out how to make yeah yeah aim talk about how he was hurt and wait uh i'm trying to think of if they're gonna use the the last name burrow too burrows his way into the barrels his way something that'll be it yeah yeah back in the day they would have made like an indian reference chiefs get massacred it was a hatchet job he's sent back to the reservation no hatchet yeah something like that um wait a minute what's his name oh jamar but here's the thing here's the thing we're forgetting jamar chase and joe mixon are big parts so so like burrow chases the the chiefs that has something there's gonna be something like that hold on me think of one

oh burrow the right mix oh the right chaser oh my god wait a minute joe mixing i like that one yeah yeah the right uh the right mix uh oh shit there's two joes these aren't as easy as you think uh especially with the two of us put our heads together so you're so you're taking you're taking the chiefs to to beat him i'm rooting for the bangles but i just got this feeling man i've got this feeling sorry um i just sent the chiefs have been there they got a great fucking coach i don't think my home's is gonna be as hurt wink wink nudge nudge you know if he is really hurt magically he won't feel the pain on sunday you know it is paul yeah that's the question paul can you go and there's only one answer yes yes i can put me in coach they're gonna get him in

there all right they're gonna needle him up yeah they're gonna throw a needle in his leg his neck leg's gonna be fucking numb and he's gonna play yeah hey they gave the guy 400 million dollars he's playing he's fucking he's playing he's got four million dollars do you know what four one a million dollars gets you in kansas city that gets you in kansas city hey uh yeah you find a whole city and every barber join in it for four hundred million dollars your money goes a long fucking way out there man if if andy ranson get yourself a house boat if if if andy reid makes a good coaching move and they go like if he challenges something andy reads it right or reads it right something like that um and it's twice you go andy right reads it right

like dude we have such a couple of summer school kids all right so paul bersey has the cincinetti bangles laying one yeah whole billy freckle took chasey getting one and then we got uh we both took the eagles we both took the eagles uh like you said with the other with the chiefs and the and the bangles i'm rooting for the niners i'm rooting for the niners but i have to be uh i have to i saw what i saw and even though the coach did that and even though they beat my team uh i i they're a better team so the eagles coach i would love to have a beer with that guy absolutely fucking loopy but i'll tell you this right now no one knows what the fuck they're doing to that level to that level to sit

there and not at the fucking camera it's like dude you're winning a playoff game thousands upon thousands of coaches have done that yeah and went any further so like i don't know but plus like i said fucking broken record here that to see what jaylen herz was doing you know what i mean it's like fucking i can't say lt but back in the day when lt was running around bill part sells you know not gonna take anything away from that guy but he literally had a marvel superhero yeah on d phil jackson yeah okay phil jackson's got more rings than red aura back he also had superman and superman's son to build his fucking team around like okay jesus christ did you win yeah and the whole handshack the mountain that could talk um you know what i liked serrani

before the nod of the head because they asked him they go hey did you watch the giants did you watch the giants send to minnesota game and he goes yeah i got all the coaches in the room and you know what for some reason we just decided to get some bad pizza or something he goes we got pizza hot stuffed crust pizza and we just sat down and watched it and ate it and i was like all right this guy's this guy's like you know even though it's terrible he knew and then when i saw the head nod and then the you don't think i know what the fuck i'm doing i was like all right i'm done i'm done um but all right so we both like that we both like the eagles and bill's gonna take the chiefs i'm gonna take uh joe burrow getting one and there you go you know what

you know what the fuck you're doing and because i because we know what the fuck we're he literally looked like some jerk off with end zone seats nodding into the camera excited that he was on tv and this is like a professional head football coach i really think that that was a a moment in nfl history where now all the young coaches that saw it are now going to start doing that shit and now we're gonna have to deal with like the team they're gonna have to have a split screen when the team scores the touchdown to watch the player doing his dance and the head coach like what he's doing i i just like i don't know pa i'm telling you this is this is like a we are living in an unprecedented ignorant time it is all of these people and all of these cameras

and all these ways to put your fucking opinions out there i mean look at us pa okay now like we're not part of the problem but um the way that ignorance is being like like lofted up and something to aspire to and if i hear one more moron say i like this guy because he reminds me of me i just want to be like have you done any introspective work on yourself whatsoever somebody had that joke like i like the president he sounds like me he's like i don't want the president to make me no i want him to be way smarter yeah yeah yeah he's a regular guy he's a he's a fucker right yeah yeah he's a moron like us he's i don't know yeah i do coaches used to be coaches used to look like football coaches the way baseball managers used to now

baseball managers are jacked and thin i remember stump merrill his name was stump and he looked like a stump i don't know if he's alive if he's alive you know if he's not rest his soul he came out to the yankees he waddled out to the mall everyone go stump he had a big belly he looked like a baseball manager don zimmer rest his soul looked like a baseball manager football coach i'd give it to andy reid bill parcells uh who was it who was it a chuck not chuck no chuck no but who was the eagles guy the eagles one oh uh uh dick for meal no the other one uh he had a oh uh ryan buddy ryan rex's dad buddy ryan buddy ryan looked like those guys look oh so does his brother hank shram well his brother actually looks like a roadie for the almond brothers though

yeah hank shram hank shram was like a an in-shape out-of-shape guy if that makes sense he was like a put-together out-of-shape guy with the red jacket oh teamster body he talked like he was selling watches he was he was like he just he was always go over to the ref and like have like really fast conversations yeah yeah he talked like a used car salesman yeah that you kind of liked yeah come on tell the thing runs it runs great just i'm telling you yeah yeah lombardi dude look at lombardi lombardi not not the greatest shape but you were like this guy knows what he's what the hell's going on out here that's that have nobody yeah now they showed that one guy doing yoga the fucking coach of the charges was like doing yoga with his back it's just like i i don't like it hey look

dude i i mean i don't want to die either so these guys being in shake doesn't bug me it's like i'm telling you dude that that fucking thing was that was a shift yeah shift yeah it was like when donald trump was running for president and the press was accusing him of a shit and he just hey you know you're probably right and they had no follow-up he exposed them like you guys are a paper tiger there's nothing about this like you want me to back down and then fucking no i'm not leaving this election and i'm admitting to what you're accusing me of what do you got and they had fucking nothing now did you see that fucking joe by did you see that joe biden clip no the new one from him way back in the day dude he's going off going like i you know i i was in

the bottom third half of my class and went up to the bottom of the top third like the math didn't even work out on it and i have i have two degrees in this blah blah blah blah blah all of this shit it was all bullshit yeah yeah you saw him dude he was just making up shit back when his mind was sharp that guy could make up fucking lies on the fly about how great it was and that's the kind of shit dude when i was a kid if that ever came out you had to fucking you had to bow out in shame you know changed it bill clinton yeah bill clinton when all bill clinton's whores came out and said he did this and he did all that and he was just like i had a couple of you know yeah fidelities but i ain't leaving whole slick willy yeah and i was right there with that

fucking jesus christ that you know al gore was like panocchio middle age hey he was like i'm sorry dude i love uh did you see dana did you see dana carvey's summer school which w bush did you did you see dana carvey's al gore he goes dana dana carvey's al gore he goes he's like really like a feminine and he goes it is getting hot dude it's so fucking great um oh my god dude but you know what that that arkansas twang makes you get away with stuff dude it makes you if he sounded like if he sounded like trump he wouldn't get away with it as much what bill clinton was from arkansas where was al gore from yeah uh i don't that's a good question are liners or something like that it's gotta be it's getting

it's getting hot it's going like i worked so all out i was i was touching it you just said all stupid shit and he's there and i'm like why is this wooden puppet talking to me about farming uh that guy really had the charisma of like a fucking door yeah washington dc he's from dc he was like what if an inanimate object could talk this but dude they've had some bad ones like they've had some bad people just bombing but then if you have too much energy then you're fucked that one guy here you know that guy oh uh howard dean i was getting it right there that was great and then he was going uh and they were dude they yanked him right when that happened it was a wrap

and now it isn't wouldn't even matter it'd just be a meme and he would roll with it and they would bring him on stage to that sound let's battle cry and there'd be a million mouth breathing morons going it's over paul it's over just enjoy yourself before we fall into the ocean all right weekend everybody um all right we're gonna do a uh we are gonna do a one game parlay for the afc championship game versus the chiefs and the bangles um what this year it's just one every round we have to knock them out listen we're gonna do it this week we're gonna do it this week and we're gonna do it with the superbowl because i know what the fuck i'm doing and then we're gonna look at the camera go

with our fucking dumb hats over our eyes okay um they look like a hat his mother's so mom i don't want to wear it all right you get uh pull it over your ears it's snowing couple precautions uh i'll just i'll read a few out you got patrick mahomes over under 285 passing yards uh over under 15 rushing yards and now that might just be a fun under right there if you don't think he's gonna be able to move at all um you gotta do it no but here's a deal if god forbid it's like everything's on the line and he's got open field in front of him and he does it and everybody goes nuts and then they go mahomes on one leg gets the first down i don't even want to fucking let's just play it hurt at that position like that ever before that's funny

all right um plus one passing yards plus two passing or passing touchdowns plus i told you appreciate what you just saw that one leg it's kiffer yeah oh yeah i haven't seen somebody sacrifice their body and says john elway did the helicopter in the super bowl you hear all that shit all right because they actually gave credit that somebody else did it you have to act like no one has ever done it ever all right all right um what's the joe burrow passing situation over under 275 yards uh anytime touchdown that's what that'd be rushing one plus touchdown two plus touchdown passing i think under on either one of those i take the under on either one of those so under 275 passing yards yeah under under 275 passing yards for burrow i agree uh touchdown

for burrow no i was saying for uh patrick mahomes i do it with either one of them i just don't see this game like they're gonna be like fucking throwing 50 yards i do the unders what's the under passing yards what's the under for my home's passing yards 285 i'll take i like that under so 285 for my home's 275 for burrow no no no we don't have to do both let's can we know i'm just saying they just take group yeah let's well you know what do you think bill which one do you think is under more under burrow going 275 or my home's going 285 i like my home's under even though i'm betting the chiefs i just think i just think this is going to be one of yeah that's a lot of yards that's a lot of yards in an afc championship

game and you know he may dink and dunk but i don't know let's take under 285 okay um i think burrow is going to throw one to jamar chaser t higgins uh i said why can't break one uh i think i think jo burrow's going to throw a touchdown to either uh t higgins or jamar chase for sure okay okay so i couldn't do in any time for t higgins no can we just do a touchdown for jo burrow touchdown pass for jo oh yeah pass yeah so plus one passing jo burrow yeah pass what plus one for jo burrow under 285 for my home's and then um what's jo mixon's rushing yards number uh over under 60 rushing receiving 25 any other fun ones over there um great numbers they just picked there yeah yeah juju smith schuster uh over under 50 yards receiving um tyler boyd over under 40 yards

receiving i'm gonna probably take the over that um travis kelsie over under 85 yards receiving is travis kelsie for a touchdown uh anytime touchdown so yeah receiving i mean that's his guy in the red zone every time all right let's go with that then all right so we'll go travis kelsie to travis kelsie to catch one jo burrow to throw one and under my home's 285 passing i think it's gonna be a close game and not a high scoring game smash cut absolute blowout my home's looks great um all right 174 yards in the first half we don't even know which leg was hurt um all right let's uh let's uh wrap this up now so both of us are taking the eagles oof as painfully as that is to say with with this sitting next to me and that we're gonna take the

eagles laying two and a half and bill is taking the chiefs getting one and i'm taking Cincinnati given one and then we have our parley for you guys our championship parley okay travis kelsie to catch a touchdown that's his guy i like that jo burrow to throw one anytime in the game i like that and we think patrick my home's is gonna go under 285 passing yards um i like that too so there you go and uh guys as always just download the app and you can play with us you put in the anything better uh you could click on the anything better parley and bet with us here's how you do it you go to bet mgm you download the app use bonus code burr burr it's very simple you put in as much as 10 as little as 10 bucks and they'll match up to a thousand even if you lose all you got to

do is make sure you put in the bonus code our bonus code for anything better is burr burr and there you guys go uh bet responsibly and like i said as little as 10 bucks up to a thousand they're gonna match it doesn't beat that get a stack you can't beat it get a stack you know there you go um enjoy championship week what could i say you know that was perfect get a stack you wipe your nose you can't beat it get a stack yeah like i've been doing blow wait no um call your wife later get a stack you'll be fine like one day a week i do blow 52 times a year on sunday if we and then uh oh my god one more week and then we'll be back with our super bowl edition next week but uh actually we could wait oh paul what's that pro bowl this year buried it i got my feet away to win big

you're gonna bet on that flag football game that uh there's always one that goes hard and ends somebody's fucking career every couple of years no yeah it's it's yeah i do it you know yeah put a helmet on fucking hit somebody yeah i ended that catcher's career the fucking all-star game ran him over oh my god that was it all-star game all-star game that was pete rose right what was the catcher's name nobody remembers for the detroit tigers that's fucking horrible andrew find out who pete rose ran over just for his family's sake if somebody's listening to the fact that you said nobody knows is so horrible man that guy got bulldozed listen paul sometimes life hurts you know sometimes you pete rose sometimes you're the other guy just standing there with

waiting for the ball to come in dude what ray fossey ray fossey i remember that yeah i want to do one they think they're sensation they uh they just showed they just showed a picture of pete rose like this holding his first like gambling ticket at like one at a sports book and he's just like this because he bet on like i think he bet on like one of his teams and they just showed him there and it was just such like a a prop was like oj holding a fucking oj holding a fucking guy that bet illegally on baseball to a guy who fucking killed two people no no i was thinking of like oj holding something that like as like a you know i was gonna say knife

probably an off-color joke i'm sorry um he's on the network he's on chopped oh my wife the other day oh she was watching the one of those she watches that food show where they have the kids cooking and they fire the kids because they can't fucking cook good enough it's just a fucking horrible show and she's watching it and there was this kid on there he was such a fucking little douche you ever just see a kid you just see the fucking corporate c always gonna be i don't want to describe him because he's still a kid and i don't want to fucking like you know make us like gordon ramsey dude they're building another kitchen for him to scream at people in you call that a cupcake

eyes no matter how you cook it he's not going to be happy with it what do you say to what do you say to your son if he's an inspired aspiring chef and he's going to go on the gordon ramsey show and just all right paul listen you know you have a temper so like when he starts yelling at you because he's gonna yell at you just just block it out just keep stirring that just stirring that fucking thing in the in the pot if he if he screamed at my son or daughter like that and i was there i'd stick his dumb irish head in boiling water and be the end of the fucking season what eat what he's english oh whatever english but that fucking dude somebody's got to get him some lotion this face looks like a fucking ran

mcnally map when i started it's such an act to be that mad when it's not good it's one thing to go like this is he like gets like like he wants to fight the person it yeah i mean it's a showman i will tell you this when he you when he was going around in those fucked up restaurants trying to fix him that show was my favorite because the guy can cook his fucking ass i'm just breaking his balls here that fucking thing when he went in and he would go when they always had some fucking piece of chicken that had been there since last february and he would be like oh go what was that smell and he'd come in and let me start like fucking gagging yeah yeah like just rancid shit in that and it was god i will tell you that dude like you know if anything gets that guy into heaven was was that

show because he was talking to some of the dumbest people i it's like how do you how did you even open a fucking restaurant they was so fucking stupid and uh what was that called that wasn't called bar rescue that was uh no um restaurant i know what it was though i know what it was he would like find a failing restaurant with like bad chefs and like change the menu i forgot the name of it it was like a restaurant version of bar rescue but like you know you know and days of him leaving it just went back to the same shit hole it was um kitchen night oh kitchen nightmare kitchen nightmares um uh all right guys well that's it i hope you guys have a good championship week hope your teams win hope you win some money this has been the anything better uh unfortunately second to

last one ever for this season uh oof that's tough to say no more football no more but let's help all you guys out there know what the fuck you're doing all right guys this is the show enjoy championship weekend and we'll see you next week all right sorry you