Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 1-28-16

Episode Date: January 29, 2016

Bill rambles about Stingrays, snake bites and 70's love songs.

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What's going on? Let me do that like I'm falling off a cliff. And I... I woke up this morning. Ba-do-ba-do-boop. I had the dumbest song in my head and I can't get it out. And now I'm going to sing it to you. So it will be stuck in your head.

It's a very vengeful thing for me to do. It's something that, you know, pieces of shit guys do. You know, if I'm going down, I'm taking you down with me. You know, those kinds of pieces of shit. You know, they do that. The ladies, the ladies like to dabble in that. Well, fuck you. This isn't a relationship.

At least I'm getting some of your t-shirts, right? They're going to get something from it. Well, if this song is going to be stuck in my head, I'm sorry to say that it's going to be stuck in your head too. All right. And I have given you a good... I've been talking about this for a good 18 seconds. That's plenty of time.

Even if you're driving in the car to hit pause and you're choosing not to... How do you do this to yourself? Why don't you just choose the road that's going to bring you true happiness? Is it because you grew up and you watched people being abused? And you felt like you didn't have a choice in life? That this is the way it was?

You know what? That last 10 seconds is probably going to be worse than the song. But here it is. When I need love, I hold out my hand and I touch love. It's something. It's something.

I don't know who sings that song. I don't think I've ever gotten past those first two lines of that song. It always comes on. Session presents love songs from the 70s. Look at this one. Well, I need love. And don't it make my brown eyes blue? Right?

And you say, look at this fucking horseshit. And you start thinking about your childhood. Next thing you know, you're on the phone with the operator. Can I get the deluxe edition? Yeah, I still have a CD player in my car. Well, because I'm frugal. It's not because I'm failing. And I resent you saying that.

Of course, I still want the CDs. Speaking of my old car. My car, I've had it since October of 2007. It's a 2008. Oh, it was a brand new. It had fucking stars in its eyes. Right? Just stepped off the bus here in Hollywood with a piece of straw between its teeth,

like Axl Rose in the guns and roses video. Welcome to the jungle. And now look at it. Oh, this thing, it looks like somebody attacked it with a fucking can opener. Right? It did as of the other day. My wife was out of town. She was in New York City for the great Patrice O'Neill benefit.

I want to thank everybody who came out and I want to thank everyone who did the show. I, unfortunately, was not able to get a fucking flight in in time. If you can believe that. I actually missed the benefit. Fucking brutal. I had a flight out Saturday morning. Say. And I believe that when I was on American Airlines and they just gave me a call and they were like,

like, you know, what, what 800 number? And I went, hello. And they were like, hello, this is a American Airlines at four of you. There's like two, nine or one, three has been canceled. You have been relocated. No, you might want to grab a pen. You have now been rebooked on flight number one, seven, five, zero out of LAX on Tuesday, January 26 at 1.50 p.m.

The benefit was on the 26th. I was supposed to be flying out on the 23rd. They pushed it three fucking days and I was going to leave for 15 East Coast time when the show starts at seven. So I'm like, well, that's not going to work. So I call my travel agent, you know, and so she got me a flight on JetBlue 745 a.m. on Sunday, the 24th. So I'm like, no worries. All right.

So I missed a day. No big deal. And I get a call. I get a call like the night before I'm all packed. I got my shit right next to the door. And there's like, there's a recording from JetBlue. You might want to have a pen and a piece of paper. Right.

And then they fucking bumped me to fucking Tuesday. So I said, fuck these guys. I called my travel agent again. Now I'm on Virgin. All right. I don't know why they call it Virgin Airlines. And then it looks so jizzy in that fucking thing. It's like if the W hotel was a plane, you know, with the fucking aquarium lighting.

That just says no one wants to see a good look of their face in a mirror after they do what they do in here. Right. So they booked me on that fucking thing. And they're like, well, the time we can get you out is right when the New England Patriots game starts. And I'm like, fuck. They're like, all right, you got TV. Fuck it. Put me on it.

Right. And then that one got canceled. So at that point, I deduced, if I'm using the word properly, that the fucking every poor bastard from Saturday and Sunday, now that those flights had all been canceled, we're now eating up all the Monday and Tuesday once. So I had my travel agent go after another flight. And then meanwhile, I called my manager who knows all these big guys. And I said, can you get me a replacement in case I'm not going to be able to get in? Long story short, I wasn't able to get in in time.

We got a replacement. And I wish I could have been there because Rich Voss who crushed it as a host once again this year. And he said, blah, blah, blah, blah. Unfortunately, Bill Burke can't be here. And he's like, oh, what the fuck? Where is the red cunt? Right. And he said, that's the bad news.

He said the good news is Louis CK and Louis CK walked out and they went fucking absolutely mental. And, you know, I was replaced one balding redhead with another balding redhead with more credits. So nobody missed me. And I guess he fucking murdered it. And then the only to do is 15 because he's such a great guy did like 25. He was fucking destroyed and everybody had a great time. And somebody sent me a picture of everybody in the end coming out. Al Dalbenny flew in all the way from Sydney, Australia.

That's another reason why I didn't want to reschedule because this guy flew in from the other side of the fucking world. And who else was there? Rachel Feinstein, Greer Barnes, who absolutely murdered, you know, one of the greatest who ever did it, Greer Barnes. Jim Norton. I don't have it in front of me. I wasn't there too. So I know I'm going to end up forgetting somebody. But anyway, everybody Godfrey did it. Everybody fucking killed and they had a great time.

So anyway, so I was out here and I was supposed to be in New York from Saturday until Wednesday. So nobody knew that I was out here. You know, so I was just like, well, fuck it. I'm not telling anybody I'm here. And I just started handling a bunch of shit that I've been putting off for months, if not years. I did everything from get my last will together. You know, when I die or whatever, make sure that everything goes to the people it needs to go to. So there's no fighting, hopefully.

Which is actually it's really morbid, but it's also fucking kind of cool. It's like, yeah, fucking you take this and you take that and I'm out of here. Good luck to you, Saul. I had a great time and a great ass. I rolled change that we had in jars. I handle that and I dropped my fucking Prius off and I had all the fucking dense repaired. You should say it looks brand fucking new. There's a couple little ones that they just they left in there.

They buffed the whole thing up. I didn't get new bumpers because, you know, you have new bumpers out here. They last for about three days before somebody just bumps into them. So I just had him buff those things up and it looks fucking great. And I'll tell you right now, having a paid off Prius with 80,000 something miles on it in LA is the greatest fucking car you could ever drive. It's just it's the shit and it takes the hits to it's like Ben Rothless burger. It just fucking shakes them off and it keeps going. And no matter how bad the gas prices get, I've never paid more than 40 bucks a gallon.

I don't give a fuck if somebody runs into it. I can park it wherever I want. Nobody's going to take it. It's fucking perfect. Right. I bought my wife a nice car. It's nice. I can't stand it.

I can't. You know, I feel like when I'm driving that thing, do you guys ever see that fucking hilarious Howard Stern's movie private parts? Do you remember when he was showing himself when he first became a DJ and like when he went to put the needle on the record and he scratched and he fucked the whole thing up? Remember that noise he was making was going. That's what I feel like when I drive that car. Like I'll be going to the grocery store and I'll just be thinking like, God damn it. I need to go in there and buy some fucking hamburger. But you know, if I don't see a bunch of wide open spaces, I won't park it in there because I know somebody's going to come in and just park right next to it.

And fucking open their door right into the side of it. And it's going to make me fucking sick. You know, it's like when you go to a movie, right? Like right now is a great time to go see Star Wars, maybe in another fucking week, right? Nobody's going to be there. You go see a matinee, right? It's during the work week. You're a comedian.

You got a gig that night. You say, fuck it. I'm going to go. I'm going to go see a matinee showing of Star Wars fucking six weeks after it came out, right? You go in there. There's nobody fucking there. You got your feet up. You're having a great time.

It is fucking inevitable that someone's going to walk in during the fucking trailers. They're going to sit down right behind you and they're going to talk or munch popcorn fucking loudly. Or they're going to be fucking dressed like Chewbacca and there's going to be getting hair in their mouth. They're going to be doing that the entire fucking time. It's the same way that is inevitable. If you park in a parking lot, even if there's a bunch of fucking spaces, it's going to pull in right next to you and they're going to open their fucking door right into it. And that's just regular people.

Forget about out of shape people. They got to put stress on the hinges of their doors to just make it wide enough. That's when you know you're fat. When you get one of those Formula One fucking steering wheels that just pops out so you can get your gut out. You keep lying to yourself. I'll tell you, they don't make these Ford Broncos as big as they used to. Yeah, they do. Yeah, they do.

They most certainly fucking do. So anyway, speaking of cars, dude, I saw somebody up the street, man. It's got a killer fucking car. It's one of those Volkswagen. It's not the bug. It's not the Carmen Guillen. It's the fucking station wagon. And they put some white walls on it and some fucking fog lights.

They got the luggage rack on it. It's fucking cool as shit. I love a station wagon. I love a station wagon. Sorry, I got a little fucking. Who's that guy? It's as big as a whale and it's about to set sail. The love shack.

Hang on. Sorry. Sorry, I'm singing all these fucking songs. It's a little old place where you can get together and do what? What kind of depravity goes on in the love shack? Did that song even make sense? They just went out to a shack and they fucked. I mean, maybe I'm taking it too literally.

What was I looking up? Oh yeah, the Volkswagen station wagon. The Volkswagen station wagon. The classic VW station wagon. Let's see what this thing's called. There it is. The fuck is it called? So I got all the pictures of it.

That's such a fucking cool car, man. I love the front end on it. And the guy also had it in a stick shift, which I think is a picture below. A rear view of the Volkswagen Beetle from 61 to 77. That's not what I wanted. What are these days? One of these days I'm just going to look shit up, you know, before it starts and I'll have a nice, smooth podcast. I'm imitating my science teacher from high school when he was talking about some sort of biology thing.

He said, there's rough and smooth. I forget what it was and he was like, there's rough and smooth. He used to make a joke out of it and everybody would laugh and you'd never get it wrong on the test. You know why there's not more funny teachers? It's because they all become comedians because they're just like, all right, I'm basically doing stand-up here and I'm not making any money. So fuck these kids and their future. Volkswagen Type 3 Squareback. That's all it's called.

Come on, they had to give it a better name than that. Oh, this is some fucking gearhead thing. Goddamn fucking bastards. Can you just tell me the name of the fucking car? When I need information, you think I could look it up in the internet? By the mid-60s, it was clear that Volkswagen's iconoclastic Think Small campaign on behalf of the lowly beetle had succeeded in transforming the third hike. Wait a minute, wait. Was this about Hitler?

I'm trying to read about the fucking. Carmen Gia's Type 2. Maybe it is a Carmen Gia. You know what the fuck I'm talking about. You know what? I'll just put a picture up. How about that? I'll put a picture of that.

Hey, did anybody see Bill Belichick of Football Life? It was a two-part. And I got to admit, I was bored shitless. I've never been more bored watching a football life. Even when it was him and Tom Brady sitting in the office, it was fucking egghead shit, but it was just all monotone. Just going, yeah, the Lions have a good defense, so I'm going to put together a game plan. And then Tom Brady would be smiling, but just going like, yeah, I thought maybe we could have the running back come out of the back, so we could exploit some things underneath of their secondary. Oh yeah, Tom, I'm going to look into that.

Okay, Bill. And that would be like a scene. It was like fucking, even when he got emotional, when he went to Giant Stadium, I was just like, this is, you know, he didn't get emotional. Like, if you want to see the emotional one, you got to see the Dick Vermeer one, but I was, I can't even watch it. I feel like a bad Patriots fan. I cannot get fucking through it. Maybe I will eventually. So actually, that was another thing I did when I was here.

I was just binge watching shit. I watched the whole first season of Top Boy on Netflix. It's only four episodes. Fucking good show, man. And I just started the second one last night. And I watched this documentary on Nas, who I never got. I never got it. When Illmatic came out, I was like, I don't like this.

I don't get it, right? And now I went back and listened to it. I was like, oh, wait a minute, this is fucking unbelievable. You got to admit, okay, when you're younger, there's a lot. Sometimes there's albums that come out or artists that come by and you just don't see them because you're like, you know, he's an older guy. Like, like David Bowie. I never went to see that guy live. And now I'm doing the classic now that he's dead.

Let me take another listen to his fucking music. And I, you know, I had that fucking album like everybody has that album. I had the Ziggy Stardust one. And that's still an amazing fucking album, obviously, but it's been played to death. But that was killer. But I downloaded Diamond Dogs and it's fucking on. It's unreal. And I was like, how many times could I have seen this guy?

I could have seen him on the let's dance tour. Let's dance. Put on your red shoes and dance the blues. I could have seen him on any of those. And I never did, you know, Bob Newhots playing out Friday night. I'm not going to get a chance to see him as fucking show is sold out. It's like way the fuck out in the desert. And I got something 930 the next morning, so I can't go fucking see the guy.

And so I'm trying to make a bucket list of guys. I got to go fucking see. I hope they don't, none of, nobody plays this form because I'm going to see them because not only I respect them as an artist, but I also, I'm afraid they're going to die. You know, I don't want to jinx anybody, but you know who they are. Or even you just want to see him before they quit touring. Right. Everyone from Tony Bennett to Stevie Wonder to Bob Newhart to Morton Downey Jr.

Right. I'm joking. I already saw him and he's dead. All right, let's plow ahead. I think I got to do a read for the week here. Why don't I do the read and I'll be singing the melody to when I need love. Dollar Shave Club. Lots of players will be sporting playoff beats.

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And that's the end of the reads. What did I just want to talk about something in there reminded me of something. Oh yeah, the fucking I'm going to be going to Denver. When I go to Denver, they're either going to be super bowl champions or they're going to be depressed that they lost. But they're probably still going to give me shit that they beat my Patriots. But I got to tell you this man. This is pretty cool. Do you know Denver is the only team the New England Patriots have a losing record to.

And I know a lot of you guys like, yeah, fucking Denver. And I'm actually thinking like, I can't believe that's true because I watched the Patriots before Tom Brady. All right. And I think there was very few people that we had a winning record against. And the fact that who's kidding who Bill Belichick came in with Drew Bledsoe and that really started turning shit around. And just the way that they've won over the since like 2000 or 2001. Bob really like the last 20 years, the way they've won. They were, let's see 2035 they were 35 years or 3033 years in or 32 years in when Drew Bledsoe took over and Drew Bledsoe took over 24 years ago.

So, you know, that's what it took. It took two and a half decades to undo fucking three decades of fucking up. And I think that's amazing. Now you're probably going, well, why the fuck? What are the Broncos doing? You always got to play in that altitude. It was always snowing. And then they had Craig Morton and the Orange Crush defense in the 70s.

And I think before that they had that Floyd Little, great running back, Randy Graddyshire, Haven Moses, Rick Upchurch. They always had some fucking guys. And then they got John Elway in 83. And that fucked after Craig Morton, they went, you know, a few years and then 83 Elway came in and that fucked us from 83 to 98. So even when we had Drew Bledsoe for the first fucking six, seven years, it was against John Elway, who's like top three all time, I think, you know what I mean? I'd actually put him ahead of Peyton Manning personally, personally speaking. So I'm actually excited that there's 32 fucking teams. We're one of them.

So of the 31 other teams, 30 of them we had a winning record against. Can anybody else make that claim? I don't think they can. All right. Sorry. So anybody watch 60 Minutes this past week? They did a, they did this feature, feature on mountain lions. And our California is the only state that has mountain lions just walking around.

I'm going to fuck this up in a park. I guess maybe the size of like Griffith Park or Runyon Canyon or whatever those ones are out in the valley. I guess they have these fucking things. And so anyways, I was watching it because a few of the places is where I hike with my dog. And this thing has intermittently this, this, this group of fucking mountain lions has been around there. But fortunately they, they try to avoid you, I guess, at least during the day. If that I fucking hungry, but they showed this fucking these people this mountain lion, right? Okay.

They were having some work done. So they had somebody going underneath the house into the crawl space of their house and they were right up against this park. And the guy went down there and he immediately came back up and he was fucking like white as a ghost. And they were like, don the ass, you know, fucking white people trying to speak Spanish, right? Is that French? I don't know. And the guy comes out of the fucking hole and was like, yeah, but I fucking is a mountain lion down there. I just came faced and I get out of here.

Are you sure? Are you sad? And they will, he's like, yeah, it's fucking down there. And so anyways, they interviewed this fucking LA couple and they had the quintessential fucking LA couple. You know what I mean? He looks like the leading man of a B movie, right? She's got like bleach blonde hair. She's wearing fuck me pumps.

She's on 60 minutes wearing fuck me pumps. It's fucking hilarious walking around done up to the nines. And I actually, it was pretty cool. I was trying to figure out where the house was. I Google mapped it and I think I was able to find it. But how fuck this state is so fucking insane with the droughts, the fires, the rattlesnakes, the coyotes, the mountain lions. You know, everybody's like, this place is so phony and so plastic. Well, you know, it can get, uh, that can all go away pretty damn quick with the wildlife.

It's sort of like a fucking Australia light, like super light. You know what I mean? As I was throwing that out there, I just heard everybody down there. Oh, give me a fucking brain. I'm flipping out about how dangerous they're fucking, you know, how dangerous Australia is. Let me tell you something right now. There's no fucking snakes in Sydney, Australia. All right.

There's all that shit's in the middle of their fucking country everywhere. There's some at the zoo, right? Every once in a while, you'll see somebody, you know, goes to pick up a snake thinking it's a garden snake. He gets fucking bit and that goes jogging and it races through his veins and he fucking dies. Yes, that does happen. But, you know, people die. You know what? Let's, let's actually, let's look up some stats here.

Let's go to the stats here because I don't think you're going to hear enough stats between now and the Super Bowl. You know, as they, as they sell the game. We upstart new talent, Cab Newton with his whole career ahead of him coming up against the wally. That's what Peyton Manig, who went to Germany and God knows what happened, but he's not on the Patriots. So ESPN's not going to cover it. I'm not, I don't even think he did anything, but you know, but the accusation was out there. I mean, it came from Al Jazeera. I mean, who knows more about NFL football than Al Jazeera?

Al Jazeera. All right. What the fuck was I looking up? All right. Snake bite deaths. Australia comes right up. This is all touristy shit. Like, am I going to die if I go down there?

Snake bite deaths 2015. List of fatal snake bites in Australia. Got to love the internet. I'm not saying the information's right, but they always have an answer. All right. Snake bite death. East, the Eastern brown snake is responsible for about 60% of deaths caused by snake bite in Australia. All right.

Here's the numbers. The 2010s. All right. In 2015, there was one, one brown snake or tie pan. The species is unconfirmed. You know why? Cause the snake left. Didn't hang out like, yo, I did that shit.

Like the little sound. It's a snake. You get it? I'm sorry. In 2014, there was two. All right. That's big, bad, dangerous. Fuck in Australia.

Let's check out the U.S. When I need fuck. Love United States. List of fatal snake bites in the U.S. All we got to do is be one. One ties it and it goes into overtime. In the 2010s. Oh, oh, we crushed them.

One, two, three, four. Go fuck yourself, Australia. Paul, how far is 39 year old female? A green Mojave rattlesnake. Russell E. Davis, 39. Jesus, 39 was an unlucky year. Timber rattlesnake. You want to hear the story?

Dave was sitting around the fire at his family's camp when he was bitten by a rattlesnake. Jesus Christ in the balls right in front of his whole family. He was taken to the hospital and from there, air lifted to a Pittsburgh area hospital. While en route, the helicopter, Davis suffered a cardiac arrest. Ah, Jesus. Grant Thompson, 18 male. A cobra. Who the fuck has a cobra?

He get hit by a car? Wait, Thompson was found unresponsive in his car in North Austin at a low store parking lot. How the fuck do you get by a monocled cobra? Oh, it's got the one fucking glass on it, too. One little eye-grass. It was evil. It's a James Bond villain. All right, it's a cobra species which is widespread across the south and southeast Asia.

Oh, Jesus, somebody fucking ordered one. A monocled cobra that he was known to own was missing and was later found dead nearby having been run over by a car. Wait a minute. I'm sorry. We got to get to the bottom of this fucking story. So this fucking kid ordered a goddamn cobra. Wait a minute. Dude, one of these people got a fucking, let me, let me, let's, let's not get crazy here.

Let's, let's find out what happened to this kid. Jesus Christ. Grant Thompson. Grant, T-H-O-M. Thompson, cobra. All right, Grant Thompson committed suicide by allowing a cobra. This is the most, this can't be true. Suicide by snake bite?

Question mark. Is this clickbait? I was going to say this kid looks just like Lance Bass and it was actually clickbait on the side. It says Lance Bass shows us the most expensive item from his wedding registry. Isn't that a little disrespectful to have next to this kid? All right. We're sitting here with a parrot from one of his, like one of those Beretta parrots. Police investigate Texas teen's death after he leaves a cryptic message on Facebook.

The death of a Texas teen who was killed after being bitten by a cobra last Tuesday is being investigated as a suicide. Austin police confirm to people. Is this People magazine? Yeah, they're into what people are doing. Grant Thompson was found unresponsive inside his car in a Lowe's parking lot last week with puncture wounds to his wrist and a snake cage beside him. KWTX reports.

He was discovered surrounded by a large, by a number of animals including a non-venomous snake. Six torrential is in a frog, but his pet cobra was missing. This was in his fucking car. Thompson was rushed to blah, blah, blah, where he later died. Yeah. I don't think in Austin, they're going to have shit for a cobra unless they got a zoo nearby, right?

It was located above. Police believe that Thompson committed suicide by allowing the venomous snake to bite him. Surely before he was found Tuesday, the teen posted a cryptic message to his Facebook page writing, I'm sorry. Thompson's family owns a pet shop in Temple, Texas. He'd worked for the store most of his life. He could handle torrential is like they were kittens. He loved animals and loves spreading awareness about animals in the community.

Nob Sobsi was performed Thursday, but authorities are waiting for the toxin. What the fuck? Jesus, dude, that is hardcore. Have you ever heard those things? There is nothing like the hiss of a fucking reptile and that fucking reptilian look like what other look are they going to have in their face? How is Lance Bass reverse aging? Jesus Christ.

Fucking teeth are like, does he even eat anything? His teeth are like brand new, like out of the box. All right. I think it's time to wrap this up. I'll take it. Wait a minute. Where the fuck am I here? Where's the rest of this shit?

Jesus Christ, Bill, what are you doing? All right. That's not it. Is this it? That's not it. That's the shit about my will. I don't know what this is and I don't know where everything went. I give up.

Oh, fuck it. Anyways, that's the end of the podcast. Jesus Christ. My condolences to anybody who knew that kid. Holy, you know, what are the odds? There's no way he was covered for that. Huh? And your fucking insurance.

Accidental death. Accidentally getting bit by a cobra in the wrist in the parking lot of a Lowe's in Austin, Texas. All right. Anyways, that's the podcast. I hope you guys have a great weekend and stay away from the snakes. So you know what? Australia. All right.

That was deliberate. So we can't count that one. So we had three times as many deaths as you did. So why don't you tone down how fucking nuts your state is or your country, whatever it is, right? Island. You know, it's not that fucking dangerous. You know what it is? We buy into it because of the fucking the shrimp on the Barbie guy, Paul Hogan, and then the

crocodile hunter. You know, and when you really think about it, how did the crocodile hunter die? Was it one of those snakes that he was constantly fucking with? Was it any other of the land animals that he was constantly fucking with? It was not. He fucked with the stingray and he forgot that those things always are armed. They always have a shank. He got stuck, right?

Like a fucking prisoner. As enough time gone by that you can actually address the foolishness of that death. Like, let me fucking go just jump on the back of a stingray. You know, and I'm not talking about the Corvette people. I'm talking about the actual fucking fish. When you jump on a stingray, you gotta watch that tail or it'll stab you in the heart. You swim to the surface and pull it out. Sorry.

Anyways, that's the podcast for this Thursday afternoon. Have a wonderful weekend. My condolences to that kid in the Lowe's parking lot into the crocodile hunter. Even to Paul Hogan. You know, I don't know what he's up to. I hope he's got a new hat though. You know, nice new fresh hat. And with that, here's a little bit of music from Andrew Thamelis and a little bit of

Throwback Podcasts from a year going by. I'm not crazy like my brother, but isn't without you. I don't hang around with the system when I got everything to lose. Would you bring me my money and take from me all that I was worth? Cause I wasn't worth nothing and I wasn't yours. Oh, won't you be a pass-by? Oh, won't you sit down and stay a while? Oh, won't you be a pass-by?

And that is it. Bill, a bit of a dilemma here for you. I'm an 18-year-old male who's about to graduate from high school. Congratulations. Over the past few years, I've been told I'm a really good dancer. Not ballet or artsy stuff, but just good dance floor dancing. Oh my God, I'm going to take over the dance floor. Hey, Angie, watch me.

Yeah, John Travolta, this is great. Do you go out to the Staten Island Bridge and do headstands with your buddy Bobby? Huh? You know, if he didn't have an Afro, he never would have fell off that bridge. If you had it high and tight, like all these Armenians out here. Every Armenian looks like they know MMA. When was the last time you saw an Armenian dude in his 20s or 30s, and he did not look like he could put you in an arm bar within two seconds if you wanted to?

If I was Dana White and I was running the UFC at one point, at this point, they're up to like what? Like UFC 2006. You know, they've run out of adjectives. This time it's really, really personal, right? I'm not saying I'm not a fan. I'm a huge fucking fan. I'm just saying, you know, the way they have those things like every other week,

there's only so many like, you know, redemption. I mean, you're running out of words. I'm such a fucking idiot. This is what I would do if I was Dana White. At some point, I would have, you know what? This is what I would branch off. They had those tough man competitions, and they would have just people coming in, throwing haymakers, which is some of the best boxing ever is when you watch people

who just aren't trained whatsoever, and they just start, you know, because somebody's going to connect, right? I think that they should have one week. They should have the Armenians versus the Russians tough man competition, because I really think that that needs, it needs to be decided who is the tougher of the two. Because when it comes to white people, that's who I got my money on. All right. Those are the crypts and the bloods of white people is the Armenians and the Russians.

All of them, they just have that vibe. There's something you just like, yeah, I'm not fucking with that guy. Just really, I'm really not doing it. Anyways, not a ballet or artsy stuff, but just ballroom dance and a fucking dance and over here. I kind of think of, think dancing is gay from an outside point of view. It isn't, it really isn't. That's just how white people look at it. It's considered gay because it involves like letting yourself go and actually admitting that you have emotions as a man, as a white male.

Yeah, it's considered gay. As is crying, as is showing any sort of emotion, as is not dying for no good goddamn reason before you're 56. Oh, not dying, I should say. If you live to be 60, I believe amongst white men, that's also considered gay because that means at some point you cried something out of your chest and you didn't have a heart attack. Anyways, he says, I think dancing is gay from an outside point of view, but I'll be the first one to admit that I'm actually a pretty good dancer. If I didn't think so, I wouldn't be out there doing it. Yeah, but dude, you gotta be getting some, I'll fucking women love a guy who can dance. Dude, if you can dance and you're wearing like a silk scarf, it's fucking over, it's gonna be raining pussy.

As far as my outside view, my freckled view from over in the bar, trying to stand out from underneath those hot lights so I don't get burned. You know, redheads, we're the closest thing to vampires. You know, we have none of the powers of vampires, but the sun affects us the same way. A friend of mine who is a female dancer keeps telling me I could make money doing it on commercials or music videos. Or you could go to fucking Broadway and be like one of the five straight men who dances on Broadway and just tag every fucking lonely chick out there. Who's all stretched out. Just make sure you keep their shoes on. Dancers feet are always fucked up. Here's where it gets complicated. I plan on becoming a policeman. Oh, dude, this is a no-brainer. You need to dance at bachelorette parties dressed as a cop.

All you need, dude, is that a fake uniform and a boombox, and you're on your way to making money. Dude, you should fucking do that in a second, and then you write a book about it. I was a gyraton cop for bachelorette parties, and you write a tell-all book about how many fucking broads who about ready to get married, get married, suck your dick. You really need help on this one? I mean, I'm gonna read the rest of it, but I think I've already come with the solution. Anyways, how is anyone supposed to take me seriously on the force if there's a video going with me pop and locking next to Little Wayne? At the same time, oh, dude, you should fucking pull people over. You should pull people over and fucking moonwalk up to their car and just freak them out. Even if they were reaching for a gun, they'd be laughing too hard, and they wouldn't shoot you.

Then you could rest them, and then you move up next thing you know, you're a commissioner. Right? Nothing? Anyways, at the same time, I'm getting laid a lot because of it. Of course you are. I'm a 7 on a scale of 10. I like this guy, he's honest. And like having a jump shot, it's put me up to an 8-5. I'm banging 10s. I've always wanted to be a cop, but the parks here seem better if I was able to make money doing it in a dancing thing. I wouldn't just be getting hummers for letting gross moms off on speeding tickets.

I could be banging JLo. She's into dancers, right? Thanks. Yeah, dude, apps are fucking loopy. Dude, you're basically saying, what should I do here? Should I bang JLo's, beat down at the club and make all this fucking money? Or should I take a job where I'm going to get shot at and not be appreciated? You know, I'll tell you, every cop out there would dance if they could as opposed to being a cop. I don't care if they're like seven generations in. Dude, this is what I think of as far as like dancing.

I think if I like compare it to being a comedian, the open mics would be getting a piece of cardboard and being on a subway platform making money that way. And then when you move up to hosting a show, that would be your dress as a cop and you fucking dance at bachelorette parties. That's what you do on the side. That's like your fucking day job, that bullshit. And then during the day, yeah, I would try out for those fuck, I don't, do they make music videos anymore? Or fucking, I don't know, believe it or not, I don't know how to climb the ladder as a dancer.

But dude, apps are fucking loopy. If you can make money doing that shit. And then what the great thing is, is once you get to a certain level to make more money, you know, once you got some credibility, you can always have the fallback where you can teach your class. You can be like, I danced for nine years and chitty, chitty bang bang and fucking banged every fucking broad on there. If you'd like to not have fucked the women in your cast while still not losing your job, come on down to Frankie's fucking dance studio, whatever. Just, you'll figure it out as you go in there.

And yeah, absolutely. Apps are fucking loopy. I would definitely do it. You want to do it. You wouldn't take in the time to write in. So your big fear should be whatever, but everybody's big fear is like, what if I fucking go out for the stream and I'm 30 and I'm sleeping on a fucking futon and it hasn't happened yet? Well, I got to tell you something, sir.

I've been there. I was there at fucking 34. I was still sleeping on a futon in a fucking studio apartment that they called the one bedroom because they slammed a fucking wall in there and put a door on it. And then one day I was trying to bang the girl upstairs who had the fucking apartment right above me. And it was the exact same unit and hers was a studio, but she had been there longer so they never slammed a wall in there. And I realized, hey, wait a minute, I'm getting fucked. You know, I should go down there and try to get some money taken off this. I should go down to the fucking me over rental board, but I didn't.

I said, fuck it. Just keep writing jokes. Right. So whatever. All you got to do, you just got to commit to this shit. And then realize that, you know, sleeping on a futon when you're 30 is not the worst thing. It isn't. You know, it's worse than sleeping on futon at 30 sleeping in a king bed next to a fucking woman you're not really in love with, but for some reason married.

And you got a couple of kids and you got a job that you fucking hate. Okay, you'll be laying there fantasizing about fucking sleeping on a on a on a on a futon. There there's no risk when you go after a dream. It's all fucking reward. It's all going to lead to something good. It always does. There's a tremendous amount of risk to playing it safe. And that leads to unbelievable levels of regret, which is something else I've also experienced because I'm an old mother fuck.

It shines for the bit of seven years, forty times. Oh, don't you be a pass-by. Oh, won't you sit down and stay a while. Oh, don't you be a pass-by. Oh, won't you sit down and stay a while. Now, hey Bill, this is entitled, Afraid to Break Up with Girlfriend. I'm going to read slow so this takes up as much time as possible. Hey, Bill, I'd like to get your advice on something.

I've been dating my girlfriend for almost a year now and I've been thinking about breaking up with her. Well, it's time to break up with her, sir. All right, been dating her for a year. You know, you think about breaking it, it's time. Okay, he says we get along fine and we rarely argue. I was just thinking of a great way, a great way to break up with someone. They should invent like a breakup suit, right? Just something where you just cannot get injured and you just put the thing on with the fucking helmet.

You don't wear the helmet, you just put the ones you zip up on, which totally protects everything, right? And then you get in the passenger seat and you let her drive. Now, why are you going to let me drive? Well, you just drive tonight, but you always like to drive. Honey, you just drive. Okay, why are you wearing that suit? It's all going to make sense in about five miles. You get out on the fucking highway and you just start talking to her.

Not in no way you just put the helmet on. You know, and she says, what are you doing? And just say, listen, I don't want to go out with you anymore. And then she goes, what? And you go, hey, watch this and you just open the door and you roll out of the fucking car. That's it, you're out. You know, type up a fake police report, you tell them that you died, then she feels bad for you. You don't have to deal with any sort of repercussions.

Anyways, he says we get along fine and we rarely argue, but I'm starting to realize I don't really want to be with her for the long haul. When we started dating, this fucking thing. These iPads suck, by the way. All right. You know what an iPad is? It's a fucking laptop for pussies. What's the matter?

Your laptop is too heavy. Your fucking douchebag. This thing doesn't have a keyboard. It's got nothing. You think that they don't know how to make this thing into a fucking laptop already? Of course they do. This is the Steve Jobs way of doing things. Rather than just giving you the whole fucking thing,

he's going to give it to you in increments like a goddamn drug dealer. You know, that's why I haven't bought one of these yet. This is Neas, by the way. Borrowed this fucking thing. And I am not enjoying it, as you can tell, as I'm throwing a temper tantrum here. You know when I'm going to buy a fucking iPad? I'm going to buy it when it is a laptop, when it is a little light laptop. Until then, I'm not having this fucking...

This is like when you go, you know, I really want to get the new Camaro. And then you get the one with the V6 engine. Rather than getting the full out one with the stick shift. Which is a laptop, right? It's too heavy. You know, fucking do shoulders at the gym next time you do that. Okay, maybe you do that, maybe you do some stuff to build up your wrists. Oh God, Bill, can you get through the question?

All right, I will. He says, when we first started dating, I loved hanging out with her. But I'm just not into her anymore. Does that make me an asshole? No, it doesn't. Why would your own true feelings make you an asshole, sir? How awful were your parents? He says, I'm 23 years old with a somewhat...

Why am I... You know something, I'm really being a cunt this week. This guy's asking for my advice. Let's try to bring the anger down, Bill. You're frustrated. It's fucking hot in here. You can't open the window because you say cunt too much. This building's a co-op and they'll kick you out.

Okay, that's what's going on here. It has nothing to do with this person, okay? Just want you to just try to be a nice guy. So I should have done off the mic like I'm scolding myself. Just try to be a nice guy. Let's not take out your bad day on everyone else, okay? You're embarrassing me. All right, I'm 23 years old with somewhat of a decent job

and really just want to go back to being single for a while. Exactly, dude, you're 23 years old. Dude, you're a fucking movie star at that age. I don't care what you're doing for a living. You should definitely be single. I said the problem is she's got a lot of stress in her life right now. Not your problem. She's finishing nursing school and trying to find a job.

All right, we'll tell her to put on the outfit, bang her one more time, and hey, watch this. You bail out of the car. That's mean. Anyways, he says, oh, and she has a history of depression. Over the past year, I feel like she is becoming emotionally dependent on me like I'm keeping her going or something. Well, Jesus Christ, no wonder you want to get rid of her.

You don't want this, you know? You want something that's going to be fun to be around. You don't want her, you know, sunny out and she's like, it's raining out. Fucking head under the pillow. One of these days, you know, you stay with that long enough. One of these days, you're just going to smother with that pillow. Anyways, he says, how do I go about breaking up with her while causing the least amount of damage?

He says, also, she always leaves some of her shit in my apartment. Yes, because she wants to fucking... Oh, yeah, she's clinging on to you. He says, clothes, blanket, other random shit. I try to get her to take her shit home with her, but how do I avoid the after-breakup coming over to get my stuff? I hate that. Anyway, go fuck yourself.

Alright, look. There's no way, there's no easy way to break up with somebody. Alright, there's just easier ways. The sooner, the better. Um... Oh, Dino, dude, this is like dismantling a bomb. See, you know what you would like to do? Is say, hey, can you come by today?

I want to talk to you about something, right? And she'll be right over, and then immediately just take out a box, put all of her shit in it, tape it up, and then she rings the bell, bing-bong, you open the door, you go, yeah, don't want to date you anymore, and you just hand her the box and close the door. Right? Dude, there's money to be made in this, man.

Does anybody have a professional break-up service? That's such a pussy thing to do, but that would be phenomenal. You know, you make your person feel like they got fired. You know, like when a corporation fires you and just two security people show up, you know, confiscate your computer and then escort you out of the building. Wouldn't that be great? Dude, that's what you should do. Just hire two of your friends to dress up like security guards.

Tell her you want to break up, you know, and then they have all her shit in the box, and then they escort her right out of your apartment building. Like, she got fired. They come off as professional rather than like personal. Um... How do you go about breaking up with it? You know what I would do?

I wouldn't put all her shit in the box, because that's going to come off cold, you know, and you don't want to hurt her feelings like that, so I would just, uh... Oh, fuck it. I don't know. I don't know how to do it. Why did I drink last night? And then I got up and did open Anthony.

What the fuck is wrong with me? I knew I had a podcast to do. You embarrassing me. Um... I don't know. I don't fucking know. Just have a come over and just say, listen, um...

I'm not happy. Oh, that's a great one. That's a classic. You know, like, if you were a singer-songwriter, the second you said that, the whole crowd would start applauding, recognizing the big hit. You know?

Of all the girls I do before, you know, they all start fucking clapping. You know, if they just came out, you just did classic break-up monologues. Listen, um... I'm just not happy. Everyone's just that smattering of applause. You wait for it to die down.

Let the orchestra come around again. Jump back in on the one. Um... Man, just tell you I'm not happy. I'm not happy anymore. And dude, let me tell you something. Her being depressed is not your fucking problem. All right?

Her being depressed is the fucking problem. How can you do this to me? What do you mean how can I do this to you? You don't want to be worse if I fucking stayed with you and I didn't love you. I don't love you anymore. I don't love you depressed whore. I just called you a whore as a generic term.

You know? I don't... I'm not happy. I want out. Okay? I just feel like I want to be single right now. I just don't feel like I'm going to be with you in the long haul. Uh, we'll just be wasting each other's time.

My time is important and so is yours. All right? I don't want to go anymore. But I'll tell you what, if you go to stamps.com, they'll give you $55 free stamps and a scale. That's what you do. Just tag every mean thing you say with all the advertising.

You know, if you go to Amazon.com through Bill Burr's website, you know, click on the little Amazon banner, whatever you buy, you know, portion of that money goes back to Bill Burr and then the percentage of that goes to the Wounded Warriors project. So I know I'm breaking up with you right now, but you could... We could also support the troops.

Right? Sir, look, there's no fucking easy way to do this and you're going to be sitting there. How many more holidays, how many more birthdays, how many more Christmases, which is a holiday? Sorry, you always need three examples. Do you want to go through with this person? How many more times do you want to go out and rent bikes,

go to a picnic, sit there on a sunny day as she's sitting there with that cloud over her fucking head? You know? Dude, you know, don't do that to yourself. You want to fucking people who are just wonderful human beings and they just end up with assholes. I swear to God, assholes, they look for wonderful human beings

because other assholes are not going to put up with them. You know? So you need to be an asshole here. You know, how society looks as an asshole, like you're being selfish, not being selfish. All right? Choose yourself, choose your own fucking life. Dump her and get on with your life.

You know? This is what you do. You get yourself a six, a fucking pale ale, or whatever beer you like. You stick a couple of glasses in the fucking freezer. All right? Like anticipation of this championship that you know you're going to win, you know?

Like they did in the Red Sox dugout when they had the champagne on ice in Game 6 in 1986 before they had to quickly wheel it out. Okay? Except you're not going to let this one go through your legs, sir. You're kicking this one right in the cunt and you're taking home the fucking championship. And when it's over,

all you got to be just thinking about those frosty fucking bruise in the fridge. Just think about that. Just look at the clock when she walks in. All right? Let's say she comes in at 10 past two. Just say to yourself, worst case scenario,

buy three fucking 30. I'm going to be sitting down on this fucking couch. All right? With my goddamn phone off, drinking a couple of five or six of these things. And then that's it. All right? And then don't fucking have

post-breakup sex. Don't do that, because then she'll think that you're back together again. Fuck all of that. All right? Well, I just got to come by and get my stuff. Okay? When do you want to come by?

This is coming off really cold. She's going to do all of that and just try to keep dragging you back into the fucking thing. Um... I don't know if this is a punk thing to do, but after you break up with her, just don't answer the phone when she calls.

And then she'll finally just say, listen, I got to come by and get my stuff. Can you text her back? Fuck it, just be a man. What is she going to do? Body slam you? She's just going to make you feel bad. All right? Why did you break up with me?

Is it because I don't blow you enough? No. It's because you're a mopey. You're sucking the life out of me. You know, when you get that sad look on your face, you look like a muppet. There, I said it. All right? There's your shit over there in the corner.

I got a couple of cool ones in the fridge. So why don't you do me a favor? All right? Get over there, bend down, lift what you need. Get your shit and get the fuck out of here. What do you say there, toots? Your Prince Charming is out there somewhere. You know? I'm not riding that horse anymore.

Okay? I just shot it in the back of the head. It's over. Okay? So why don't you trudge on out of here? They have fucking Cinderella. Go look at a mirror, go climb up in a tower and fucking drop your hair out. Whatever the fuck you're supposed to do. Kiss a frog.

All right? I got drinking to do. Beat it! Something like that? Like I said, all that bullshit I said. 10 pass 2, it's over by 330. You're boozing. All right? I don't know.

No, they're fucking brutal. Breaking up for something is brutal. Nah, it's brutal is just the awfulness of this fucking podcast. But other than that... What the fuck? I don't know I've been all over the map politically, but it's why like you know certain ways of looking at shit Like when people talk about guns, let's just make them let's just make them illegal and then nobody will have them You know like that's sort of like thought process is you're you're acting as though the world is a utopia

And that there's not morons and that there's not People who say I don't give a fuck what the rules are you're totally not even taking into consideration sociopaths, which is why that new fucking thing that Obama signed that whole defense package where now they can just arrest people Without a trial J and put you in jail forever With without a trial because they just think you're a fucking terrorist. You can't give people that level of power I'm a fucking moron and I know you can't do that historically. No one has ever handled that level of power Well, anybody here want to go live in China? Now we out there practicing your nun chucks wearing your wooden slippers and all of a sudden a van pulls up and you disappear

And that's it forever. You want to live there? Of course you don't you want to live here where they can't fucking do it Well, they can do it now You know They just put in a fucking order for a bunch of black vans. That's what I heard According to holy shit calm. That's what's going down. I don't understand why stuff at that level that affects Citizens to that level why we don't get to vote on it Do you think it's because we'd say hey, you know what fuck that? Do you understand like that is just a jump-off point? Do you think like that's just how it's gonna?

So as long as you're not a terrorist You think it's just gonna stop with that That's not how you take away freedom. You don't just fucking do it all in one fail swoop. It's incremental It's just like when you're dating some fucking woman and you're not paying attention And she just gradually every day takes another foot of real estate next thing, you know You're in goal line D going how the fuck that I end up in this situation You started at the 50 a little push a little pull right everything was fine next thing You know you're up against the goal line. You think that they're just gonna keep it with the terrorist thing

You know, you know the wait for a whole nother generation of babies to be born And they always grew up with government having that level of power and then they add something else to it Then they add something else then that's it You can't have it Okay, if Tiger Woods can't handle the level of free pussy on a golf tour how the fuck is our government Gonna handle a new Defense package which basically gave them a mute button When you love that, how would you handle that if you had that power do you how long before you just started abusing that if you could just hit mute on

Anybody who ever disagreed with you and I just and you could have them whisked away I mean that is the sociopaths wet dream That's what that is. That is a fucking mute button Mr. Stalin, don't you think that's it yet mute? You're done. You're gone. See ya I think I think it's it's fucking insane and The only thing that I get out of it is that I feel like I was proven correct That I don't think it matters at that level whether you vote Democrat or Republican Obama the first black president ever you would think this would be the most liberal Politician in in the history of this country

Because of his background you would think that he signed off on that shit All right, I'm telling you I don't know what happens when you become president, but I think they let you peak just enough behind the curtain And you there is a fucking agenda that we are moving towards because it does I don't think it fucking matters I really don't which is why I always vote For the Ralph Nader the fucking Ron Paul all those guys that all those fucking idiots go because you did that you've ruined the election Really did I I feel like those guys wouldn't have signed shit like that. I feel like their track record shows that they would not sign shit like that I don't know

I have no I imagine I'm gonna get a ton of fucking emails. I remember somebody was yelling at me one time saying that because I voted for Ralph Nader In 2000 that's why George W. Bush won And they were just going on and on and on about it and I was like dude I live in New York Al Gore won my state Okay You understand that so your whole fucking theory right now is out the window I voted for Ralph Nader in New York and Al Gore still won the state so go fuck yourself What I'm trying to do

Mr. Fucking red and blue tie here. I'm trying to fucking encourage more people like that to vote so mission accomplished That's what I'm trying to fuck not to vote to run You know Uncorruptible how far can you get if you're uncorruptible I would say that you can get to the Whatever level politics is when you decide whether or not they should put a gazebo in the center of town I think be once you get beyond that You got it. You got to be a little dirty, right?

I love talking about this shit because it just stirs people up You know, um, you know, maybe should I read a little more before the next time you fucking oh Really what are you reading? Huh, what are you reading what they give you is that what you're reading fuck head while you acting like you have clearance to the bottom floors of the fucking Pentagon You're guessing just like I am. All right, mister informed. I read the pamphlet I don't buy a fucking word of it You know You can use coca-cola to take right

You know you can use coca-cola to take rust off of metal you can use it for that, you know You understand that yet they're still able to sell it to us like it's refreshing I don't know what that point man either You You Okay, ladies and gentlemen